You missed another episode of Shameless,
and now we got to take valuable time
out of our show to tell you what the hell you missed
'cause you were too damn lazy to get up off your fat asses
and watch the damn TV.
Why wouldn't you just tell me that you're married?
We stayed together for the kid.
Oh.
Holy shit, you're a fucking asshole.
I'd like you to meet our son, Santiago.
He crossed the border with his father and sister.
They were looking for asylum, but they got separated.
[Veronica] We can't keep this kid.
Yes, we can. He has an amazing arm.
Kid brought the heat.
[Ingrid] All I ever wanted was to be a mother.
Frank, Would you fertilize my eggs?
I would be honored to introduce my little Frankies
- to your little Ingrids. - [laughs]
[Ingrid] You think our chances are good?
[Dr. Kwan] I'm extremely optimistic.
[Ingrid] Thank you, Dr. Kwan.
Don't thank me. Thank Frank.
- Mm. - [smooches]
[Debbie] I took care of the bills, by the way.
It cost 1,700 bucks.
Damn.
The squirrel fund is back. Everyone needs to step up.
I've been giving Fiona money for the bills.
She just hasn't been paying them.
[Kev] Hey, Gallaghers.
[Carl] Shit.
- She do this a lot? - Yeah, lately.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Think of all the luck you got ♪
♪ Know that it's not for naught ♪
♪ You were beaming once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Round up the friends you got ♪
♪ Know that they're not for naught ♪
♪ You were willing once before ♪
♪ But it's not like that anymore ♪
♪ What is this downside ♪
♪ That you speak of? ♪
♪ What is this feeling ♪
♪ You're so sure of? ♪
[cell phone chiming]
♪♪♪
[sighs]
♪♪♪
[chuffs]
♪ bluesy rock music ♪
[sighs]
♪♪♪
Ah.
♪♪♪
- We need our money back. - What the fuck? What money?
We've been giving you money for utilities
that have not been getting paid.
We need that money back.
[sighs] Fine.
Jesus!
The bills are under my name now.
That water you're using? We're paying for that.
- [scoffs] - So, until you repay us
what we've been paying you for the last three months,
plus your share of rent for the last three months,
plus what it cost for me to get shit turned back on,
I don't really feel like sharing my water with you.
Yeah, I'll tell you what--
you take everything that I owe you
from the last three months
and subtract it from everything that you owe me
for the last 18 years.
And when I've used all of the water that I am entitled to
some time in, I don't know, 2048,
then we can talk about who's even.
[water running]
What are you wearing?
Oh, Tami's mom died of cancer,
so her family does a five-K thing every year.
You look sort of ridiculous.
[pipes groan]
Everybody looks ridiculous in running shorts.
[Fiona] Debbie! Turn my water on!
[Lip] Hey, did you turn the water off on her?
- Yep. - Deb, she carried us
for years-- you can give her a break.
Turn the water back on!
Once you pay us what you owe us.
I'm gonna get it to you. I just lost track--
You owe Carl, Lip, and I $832--
[both shouting at once]
- [knocking at door] - Stop. Guys!
- [both shouting at once] - [Lip] The door! Debbie!
If you had the month I had, you would have lost track, too.
[mockingly] Ooh, my Irish boyfriend left me.
Stop it!
Go take a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut!
- What? - Go take a rolling fuck
- on a flying doughnut! - Hello?
I come in peace.
Oh, fuck, no.
- [drawer rattles] - I just want my tools back.
What tools?
My carpenter tools. They're missing.
Well, why would I know about that?
Come on, Fiona.
What, you think I just wandered on to your site
and picked them up out of your truck or something?
Maybe.
Or maybe I came into your house
in the middle of the night
and I watched you sleep for an hour
and then I just took them on my way out.
[scoffs softly] Do you have them or not?
No. [laughs] You egotistical fuck!
I haven't thought about you in weeks!
[Debbie] We thought about you, though.
♪ rock music ♪
- Guess I'll be going, then. - Yeah.
Damn straight you'll be going, 'cause next time,
I won't stop them from beating the shit out of you!
If my tools happen to turn up, let me know.
That's how I make my living.
Oh, if they "happen to"-- Fuck you!
[car door closes, engine turning over]
[motor rumbling, tires squeal]
♪♪♪
[sighs] Thanks.
Breakfast is on me at Patsy's after I shower.
Nope.
No money, no shower.
Oh, Christ.
[Liam] Where are you going?
To shower at Veronica's.
♪♪♪
[rocks clattering]
♪♪♪
What are you doing here?
I've been waiting in the tent all night.
But you should have been working on your hardship essay
- for West Point. - I've had to jerk off twice.
I can't write about that to West Point.
My dad found out that I've been skipping
softball camp to hang out with you.
He'll kill you if he finds you here.
He only has one working limb. That doesn't scare me.
♪ intense music ♪
It only takes one limb to pull a trigger, son.
Get inside.
♪ Ever try to stop a moving train... ♪
Okay, pee now, 'cause you're not gonna get another chance
for, uh, about five kilometers.
Hey, Brad, let's try to finish
ahead of Grandpa this year, huh? [scoffs]
Your family makes me want to drink again.
[mockingly] Boo-hoo-hoo.
He's just busting your balls.
Change your shirt already.
We can just jog this thing, right?
Yeah.
Fucking extra large?
Do I look like an extra large, Gigi, you vindictive bitch?
She seem a bit more on edge than usual?
This five-K brings up a lot of memories
of our mom's death.
Tough day for all of us.
So what's the deal with you and my sister?
[Lip] "Deal"?
Like, are you fucking other people?
I don't think we have a deal.
Hey, back off, Cory. He doesn't want the syph.
All clean, Tami.
Penicillin. It's a miracle drug.
Mm.
- [man] Oh! - [Lip] Wow.
- [Tami] Jesus Christ, Cory! - [man] Whoa.
Who doesn't wear a fucking bra when they run?
[Cami] What is your problem?
Hey, can you get this into the register?
Well, is it counted?
Sure.
You smell like a barroom floor.
It's mouthwash. I just gargled.
Manager's got to count it.
I'm not gonna be on the hook if it's short.
You're the assistant manager. You count it.
- Fiona, I-- - Get off my ass!
♪ rock music ♪
Sorry, sorry. It's been a...
[scoffs] It's been a morning.
Just count it, get in the register.
I got to get this cast off.
Okay.
Thanks.
♪♪♪
She okay?
She's going through some stuff.
[man howling]
[family howling]
[man howling] Boone!
[family howling] Boone!
[indistinct chatter]
[howling] Boone!
[family howls and applauds]
Oh, you're so fucked.
- [Boone] Hey, man. - Who the fuck's this guy?
- [Brad] That's Boone. - Boone, I think.
Thanks, fucknuts. Who's Boone?
Well, right now he's the guy kissing your chick.
♪♪♪
Must be an amazing experience, giving birth...
feeling life violently ripping its way out of you.
Doesn't that sound exciting?
Well, I've never thought of it so graphically,
but, yeah.
Did you see all your other children being born?
Uh...
uh, not a one.
I came close on a few, but, you know,
scheduling conflicts.
[knock at door, door opens]
- How do you feel, Ingrid? - [Frank] Hey.
- Oh, super pregnant, Dr. Kwan. - [chuckles]
I put together a vision board--
all these images of healthy babies
with loving parents and puppies and joy.
And then I stared at it all night.
I am telling you, I feel all that in my uterus.
- [Frank chuckles] - I'm pregnant.
Let's see what we've got.
Oh.
- Congratulations, guys. - [Frank] Oh, boy.
- You're gonna be parents. - [both laughing]
- I knew it! I knew it! - You knew it!
- [Ingrid] Oh, oh! - You knew, didn't you?
- You knew. - Oh, I did, and I couldn't
have done it without you, Frankie.
Well, with my superior genetics, why would you try?
[both laugh]
- Uh, hold on a second. - [Ingrid] Why? What?
- What's going on? - Oops.
"Oops"? What-what's "oops"?
Well, it looks like six of them have hunkered down in there.
- Six of what--babies? - Oh, my.
Uh, embryos.
I don't usually place all the fertilized embryos
in at once, but at your advanced age,
most women's uteruses aren't as...
accommodating.
[sighs] We're gonna have to terminate a few of them.
- Five? - What?
It's a safety issue.
Carrying six embryos to term
poses a major health risk to the mother.
W-what kind of health risk?
Uh, months of bed rest, possible death.
You know what?
Let's just-- let's just keep one.
Uh, it's the safest route, I think.
Right, Doc?
What, and--and kill five of my babies?
Now, embryos.
Ingy, we want as m-many little Frankies and Ingys
running around as possible-- that's obvious.
But do you really think we can afford more than one?
Not on my income, but you'll get a job.
[laughs]
We'll keep five.
You can safely keep three.
Okay, then...four.
I will lose my medical license
if I let you keep any more than three.
We'll do three.
[Dr. Kwan] Great.
We'll schedule the reduction at the front desk
on your way out.
- Wow. - Three.
- [laughs] - [door opens]
- Wow. - Three babies!
- [laughing awkwardly] Wow. - [door closes]
[Jolene] Are you saying our biggest client is asking us
to sell something that is undrinkable?
[Ryan] Yeah, we're in advertising. That's what we do.
Dax?
[Dax] Globally, three groups testing semi-positively
in taste tests--
uh, Siberians, the Dalit caste of India,
and the American hobo.
[device clicks]
[sighs]
You mean... literal homeless people.
Well, general indigents.
[Dax grunts] these were all taken on the South Side.
Homeless people, hookers, transients.
[Jolene] Bachman's not going to turn a profit
- selling to those people. - No, no, no.
But-but if we use them as influencers,
we can crack the Millennial market wide open.
They identify as poor
or as victims of a society that doesn't care about them.
[Ryan] Thing is, they're not poor.
They just don't have the money they think they're entitled to,
and we think we can capitalize
on their complete lack of perspective.
They're self-proclaimed hobos.
We're simply offering them the chance to prove it.
[chuckles] "Hobo Loco"?
[Dax] Bachman Alcohol rebranded
as the nectar of the bona fide hobo.
I don't hate it.
[Ryan] We need to build our campaign
around the search of a spokesperson.
No advertisements, no media bias,
just Millennial word of mouth.
Authenticity is key.
The "hoboiest" of all hobos...
the Hobo Loco Man.
♪ rock music ♪
"Hobo Loco Man."
♪♪♪
[whistles]
Hey, where'd you get this kid? Can I have him?
Back off. He's our kid.
Hey, George. What we got?
Uh, the usual. Plus...
Bachman's sending over complimentary cases
of this stuff for bars to test.
"Hobo Loco"?
It's deadly. Sampled some in the truck.
Had to take a water shit in the alley,
it tore through me so fast.
They're running a contest to see
if anybody can create cocktails with it
- to mask the taste. - [Kev] Oh.
Winning bar gets social-media exposure
during the Hobo Loco Man contest.
Flyers for it are in the box.
- See yous. - See you.
♪♪♪
We're going to Indiana, Kevin. It's the right thing to do.
Why are you trying to take my kid away from me?
Reuniting Santiago with his real family was your idea.
Well, I hadn't seen his knuckleball when I said that.
They were gonna go live with his uncle in Indiana
before they were detained by the government and split up.
We go to Gary, find the uncle.
How are we gonna find
some random Guatemalan guy in Gary, Indiana?
I did a web search--
"where to find illegal immigrants, Gary, Indiana."
Got a whole list of places.
We don't even know what he looks like!
♪♪♪
On the back.
"Papa 'Y' Tío Jose."
Where'd you get this?
I may have gone through Santiago's stuff
- while he was sleeping. - Aw, V.
Moms are supposed to go through their son's stuff--
get rid of their porn and weed.
Hear that? You're already doing mom shit.
You want to keep him, right?
Kev.
♪♪♪
All right, fine. We'll go to Gary.
♪♪♪
Oh! Lord, Jesus!
[indistinct chatter]
Didn't think you were gonna make it, son.
I didn't either, sir.
Caught a break with an Air Force transport
out of Okinawa,
then hopped a commercial from Seattle.
- [Brad] Good God. - [exhales sharply]
- Wow. - [woman] Mmm, mmm.
[scoffs]
Hey, Lip, you know Boone's a war hero, right?
Pulled three towelheads
out of a burning building in Mosul.
Just one.
Oh, you couldn't grab the other two?
Buried bullets in the other two.
They were ISIS, so he shot 'em.
Got a medal for haji-murdering.
Want to choke on his dick right here, Cory?
You can't have everybody, you selfish bitch.
[dishes clattering]
Who are you?
Lip. And you are...
- Boone! - Boone, right.
[Cory] Boone's Tami's boyfriend.
[Tami] Was.
A long time ago.
Ah, it wasn't that long ago.
Whatever. You know you two are gonna get married.
[Bob] Okay, troops!
Let's pay our tab and run for cancer.
[Brad clears throat]
Hey, man. You know about this guy?
If I say yes, am I in trouble?
- Yes. - Then, no.
♪ rock music ♪
The bar that creates the best new cocktail
gets to be mentioned in the Hobo Loco Man competition.
"Hobo Loco Man"?
I didn't make the name up, Kermit.
It's some advertising bullshit. I don't know.
- But it sounds cool. - [Veronica] All right, thanks.
Hazel is on her way,
and Debbie said she'll watch Santiago, so...
Why don't you bring him with?
Tell him you're looking for his uncle?
We don't want to get his hopes up.
Hey, Santiago?
Buddy, you don't have to do that.
- [squeegee squeaks] - [Kev] No. No, no, no--
no n-necesito...
Shit, I really got to learn some Spanish.
All right.
So here what we got is the Hoborita.
It's a teaspoon of Hobo Loco, shit-ton of lime juice,
and some margarita mix.
This is the Napalm Gut Rinse.
Half a shot of Hobo Loco
and a cup and a half of cranberry juice.
And here, what I just made...
a full shot of Hobo Loco
and four ounces... of Baileys.
What do you call that?
Death.
Bottoms up.
- [Tommy] Cheers. - Cheers.
- Motherfucker! - [groans]
- I can feel it in my eyeballs. - [door opens]
- [Ingrid] Okay. - [Frank] Hey, a round
of your best stuff for everybody, Kev-o!
Ingrid and I are pregnant.
- Oh! - No way!
[Frank] Yeah.
- Here, try that. - It's true. Thank you so much.
And not only that...
- [Tommy laughs] - We are gonna... [coughs]
We are having a, uh-- That's really good.
Can I get... [coughs] ...another one of those?
We are having a baby shower, and you're all invited.
- When? - Now!
Here. No gifts. We'll take money.
And our three unborn children thank you in advance.
Triplets?
Sextuplets.
Holy shit, is that, like, seven?
- [Ingrid] Six. - No, no, no, no, no.
No, you told Dr. Kwan three.
I know what I said, but I know what I want.
But what I'm saying is that, uh, a verbal contract...
It is my body, my choice, Frank!
- ...in the state of Ill-- - I am not gonna kill
- my babies. - Okay. Okay.
- We're gonna have all six! - Okay.
Six. Six!
Okay. It's okay. Everything's okay.
- Yeah? [laughs] - Okay.
- It's all good. Yeah. - Six!
That's great, isn't it?
- Ooh. [laughs] - [clears throat]
I can feel them now.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Yo.
Those are some pretty short shorts you got there.
Yeah, if the wind blows just right,
- you can see up the lining. - Hot.
[inhales sharply] So you're getting married.
I haven't decided yet.
Our moms were best friends.
We were dating when my mom got sick,
and she made him promise to take care of me
on her deathbed.
She was pretty loopy with all the pain meds at the end,
but...now Boone thinks that means we have to get married.
He's a traditional guy, you know,
like, "a promise is a promise" and all that.
[Boone] All right! Let's run this thing, huh?
[Lip] You gonna run in those?
Yeah, why not?
That's what we ran in for Rangers training.
[Cory] He'll still win the thing.
Boone's won this five-K every time he's run it.
I don't know.
My man Lip's been running a lot.
[Cory] Oh, you guys should race.
- Winner gets to fuck me. - [Tami scoffs]
Loser should have to fuck her. [laughs]
Well, then loser buys us beers at the Alibi.
- They're alcoholics, Cory. - Christ, Cory.
Cokes, then. Unclench your vaginas.
Come on. It'll be fun.
[Boone] All right.
I'll go slow. I'll even wear my duffel.
Sure.
[Bob] All right.
Boone, you're with me in the van.
- [Boone whoops] - Whoo-hoo! Watch your step.
Hey, this isn't a piss-on-your-tree
type of thing, right?
'Cause I'm nobody's tree.
I can beat him.
Uh-huh.
[chuckling] Sure.
Ahh.
[whispering] It's vodka.
[woman over PA] Next stop with transfer available
for the brown, purple, and blue lines.
Next stop with transfer available
for the brown, purple, and blue lines.
[grunts]
[sighs]
Hey, excuse me, sir?
Would you mind giving up your seat for this lady?
No habla English.
Dude. Dude.
You "hablos" inglés just fine.
She's pregnant and disabled, so get your fucking ass up.
- Lo siento. - [Fiona] Okay,
lo siento get the fuck up.
[passengers murmuring]
There. Have a seat.
[chuckles awkwardly] Thanks, but I'm all right.
[scoffs] Are you fucking kidding me?
Okay, fine.
Fuck you.
You could've gotten up, too.
This is depressing. Can I please play video games?
No unnecessary electricity usage between ten and four.
That's not even peak hours.
- [door opens, knocking] - Hey, Debs.
- Thank you for watching him. - No problem.
That'll just be an eight-dollar flat fee
- for facilities usage. - What?
- Since when? - I take cash
or a personal check with a ten percent processing fee.
Well, how about that
minus a two-dollar immigrant labor fee,
since he's gonna clean your house
whether you want him to or not?
Deal.
Hey, listen, Santiago.
I know you can't understand anything I'm saying to you,
so I feel comfortable saying this.
We're gonna go look for your real family.
Not that we're not your real family,
but we're gonna look for your real real--
I can't. I-it's too hard.
- It's too much. - Come on, come on.
See you.
[door opens, closes]
[sighs]
Liam.
Your share of the bills this month--$70.
I don't have $70.
Then make $70.
- I'm nine. - Carl and I ran
a day-care center when he was nine.
Figure it out.
speaking Spanish
♪ driving music ♪
♪♪♪
Carl.
Your share of the bill this month is $70.
I thought I already gave you all my money
to turn the water and electricity back on.
I thought you were making money charging those scooters.
Yeah, that's until the hipsters on the corner
unplugged my extension cord, which is weird,
'cause I thought that was
the number-one transportation for hipsters.
Maybe you should get a real job
and stop hanging out with your girlfriend so much.
Even if I wanted to, I can't see Kelly anymore.
What happened?
Apparently I'm bad for her, her dad says.
Ever since we started going out,
her 20-mile run time has gone up,
upper-body strength has gone to shit.
You know, I don't want to screw up her shot at Annapolis.
That's weirdly unselfish of you.
Yeah, plus, her dad said every gun he owns
has a bullet with my name on it.
- [door clatters open] - [scoffs]
- [Kelly pants] - Hey, Kelly.
Hey!
What are you doing here?
Just ran my 20 miles.
Well, jogged 'em, really.
Who the fuck wants to run in this heat? Ah!
I don't think we're supposed to see each other.
"Supposed to" isn't a thing I'm doing anymore.
Oh, Fritos.
All I've ever wanted is to have kids.
What if none of these six embryos make it to term?
- Mm-hmm. - Or what if only three
of the eggs are good and those are the three I got rid of?
- Uh-huh. - Oh, and if I miscarry,
uh, that's it.
That's my chance to have children.
And I'll have no more frozen eggs to try again.
But what if you carry all six to term
- and we end up with six kids? - [line trilling]
Wouldn't that be great?
Dr. Kwan. Hi, it's Ingrid.
Yeah, I-I-I want to cancel my reduction.
- We're keeping all six. - [Dr. Kwan] The hell you are!
I am not losing my medical license
- over six white babies... - Jesus.
- ...and their psycho mother. - [groans]
I think we're gonna need someplace to hide.
[Dr. Kwan] I will find you and vacuum--
And he was like, No "hablos" inglés.
Sorry, you don't have to "hablos" inglés
t-to see that a pregnant woman on crutches
- needs a seat. - [Eliza] Yeah.
- You would think. - [sighs]
Eliza, call the police.
I'm on a completion deadline,
so I don't have time to fuck around, Fiona.
Just tell me how much you want for the tools.
- I don't have them. - Five hundred.
- A thousand. - Fuck off.
I'll give you $1,500 if you give them to me right now.
I know you could use the money.
[chuckling]
- I don't need... - [Eliza] Fiona, come on!
- [Fiona] ...your money! - [Eliza] Little help, please?
Get out of here, Ford. Get her some water.
I don't need anything from you!
- [Eliza] Hey. - I want my tools, Fiona.
- Yeah? - I want them.
[Eliza] Hey, you just got your cast off.
- How about some free coffee... - Fuck!
...for any customers who felt that
their safety was compromised?
So sorry about that, everyone.
- So sorry. - I can't fucking believe--
Oh, excuse me.
No. Did you just fucking touch my ass?
- Whoa, whoa! - [Eliza] Hey, Fiona!
- [Eliza] Come on! Fiona! - [Fiona] I fucking felt you!
- I felt you do it! - Allan, please! Fuck!
- Let's go! - [Allan] Fiona, come on.
- Let's go. - [man] What is wrong with you?
Get off of me! Stop! You cannot touch people!
Li-Lilli? How about if we get this guy
a couple of free burgers if he promises not to sue?
I'm so sorry.
So sorry, you guys.
It's all good. Enjoy your meals.
- [Fiona sighs] - [Eliza] It's all good.
Sit down.
[Fiona sighing]
- [Eliza] Sit down! - [indistinct chatter]
Drink this and calm the fuck down.
[sighs]
Do you know what I did when I found Roger
in bed with my sister?
I started boxing.
Look, I'm doing a class after our shift today.
Why don't you come with me
and find a safer place for this aggression?
[hip-hop playing in car]
♪♪♪
[keys rattles, music stops]
[indistinct chatter in Spanish]
Any of them look like Uncle Jose?
- All of them look like him. - [men speaking Spanish]
No, no, no. Uh, um...
N-n-necessito, um...
Are any of you Jose Gomez?
- [man] Sí, sí, sí. - Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Uh, do any of you Joses have a nephew
named Santiago?
[men] Sí.
Are any of you Joses illegal?
[men grumble indistinctly]
♪ lively music ♪
♪♪♪
speaking Spanish
♪♪♪
[Major Keefe on phone] Get your ass home
right now, young lady, or I'm taking your truck keys--
What are you doing?
Making this house cost-efficient.
Adding insulation to the attic, welding leaking pipes,
adding timers to light switches.
[Major Keefe] Where are you?
No, I'm not at Carl's.
[Major Keefe] Then where are you,
and when are you coming home?
My whereabouts are confidential.
[Major Keefe] Not from your father, they're not.
I'll let you know when the information gets declassified.
- That's it. That's the last-- - [stifles laughter]
God, if I knew pissing off my dad
would be this much fun, I would've started years ago.
Um...
I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore.
- Um, why? - Uh, because...
you're not...hot enough.
I'm not "hot enough"?
- Right. - For you?
- Mm... - [cell phone vibrates]
Hello, sir?
[Major Keefe] We had a deal, Gallagher.
Uh, now's really not a good time. Uh--
Sorry, Carl Gallagher's phone is out of service.
- He'll call you back never. - [phone clatters]
What the fuck? Why you always got to be
throwing my phone like that?
- Ow, ow, ow! - What did he offer you?
- Nothing. - Bullshit!
- A spot at West Point? - No.
We--then why are you breaking up with me?
I don't want to mess your future up.
Your run times have been up,
your test scores have been down
ever since you met me.
I don't want to screw up your shot to Annapolis.
What if I don't want to go to Annapolis?
What if I'm sick of working so hard?
What if...I just want to stay here and eat Fritos
with your family and watch TV
- and enjoy life for once? - [door opens]
Getting your ass kicked by a girl again, Carl?
[Debbie] Why are you walking like that?
Just beat a superhero in a five-K.
- [Debbie] What? - [groans]
He was wearing a 60-pound duffel and combat boots, so...
I'm not sure it was that impressive.
Hey. You got our money?
Hey.
Yeah, here. Some cash from today.
- Uh, Fiona, you still owe us-- - I'll get it.
- Calm down. - [door opens]
We're pregnant, and we're hiding
from a North Korean fertility specialist,
so make room, my practice family.
We are moving in.
[stammers] I'm sorry, y-you're what, now?
We're hiding from a North Korean
fertility specialist.
- [Lip] No... - You're pregnant?
- [Frank] Correct! - With six kids!
- [halfheartedly] Yay. - Oh, that's hysterical.
W-why is that funny?
Oh, uh, how are you gonna support them?
Hold on, you're saying I can't support six kids?
- No. - [Lip] Absolutely not.
I supported the six of you the first time.
You didn't support one of us the first time.
If I didn't support you, how did you turn out so well?
Bankrupt with anger issues?
Recovering alcoholic.
Sexually confused teen mom.
Military psychopath.
And let's not forget about the arsonist felon.
Okay, but Liam is turning out okay.
Liam woke up the other night screaming,
"Don't leave me with Frank!"
Well, you're alive.
Do you know how many parents murder their children?
But you all have blossomed into massively flawed humans
because I allowed you.
You--you make yourself at home, Ingrid.
- [smooches] - Oh, where are you going?
To prove this sorry lot of spilled seed wrong.
[door closes]
You all should be ashamed
for talking to your father that way.
But could you get me some scissors...
glue, a-and some magazines?
I'd like to begin my vision board.
Oh, safety scissors. Nothing too sharp.
I think my medication's wearing off.
♪ somber horn music ♪
Step right up and help build a border wall.
A buck a brick.
Keep illegals out of the South Side.
Thank you.
- No. - [Liam] Thank you.
Thanks for making America great again.
- [Santiago] Por favor, no. - Thank you.
speaking Spanish
Dios mío, no.
[Liam] Thank you.
♪ hip-hop music ♪
♪♪♪
I'll bet you this place is chock-full of illegal Mexicans.
Uncle Jose is Guatemalan.
Shouldn't we go to the Guatemalan place
down the street?
We'll go there next.
This place has chocolate-dipped ice cream tacos.
♪♪♪
Hola.
Necesito uno "chocolate"-dipped taco.
Dos.
Dos "chocolate"-dipped tacos.
And also...have you seen this man on the right?
His name is Jose Gomez.
We have his nephew Santiago. He's illegal.
Yo, Jose, are you illegal? These guys are looking for you.
[Veronica] Shit, Kev! It's him!
- We come in peace, Jose! Jose! - [cops shouting]
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[door clatters, siren blares]
[tires screeching]
[Veronica] No, no, no, no! Wait, wait!
- Don't shoot, don't shoot! - Freeze! On the ground!
Stay down.
Hands where I can see 'em.
[Rob] So is this your first time boxing?
[Fiona] Uh, boxing? Yeah. Throwing a punch? No.
I'm South Side, so...
- Where about? - North Wallace.
Grew up on the corner of Homan and Leonard.
The puke-colored house?
The shit-colored house, yes.
[both chuckle]
Um, your left wrist, it looks a little atrophied.
Uh, yeah, I-I broke it a while ago.
- When'd you get the cast off? - This morning?
And you decided boxing was the best first thing to do.
Well, South Side, so...
Yeah. So what I want you to do
is just mark through on your punches
and don't throw any of them full force.
- All right. - I'll see you in there.
[rock music playing over speakers]
- Booze for you. - Oh, thank you.
No booze for you.
Um...that was a good effort today, man.
You know, no hard feelings, though, all right?
[chuckles] Yeah, no sweat.
Everyone wins when you're running for cancer, right?
Sure, sure.
[Cory] Boone.
Where's my drink?
[Boone] Yes.
I think he really likes you.
I'm extremely likeable.
So, um...
where's he staying tonight?
I think he's staying with me.
Is he?
I mean, it was a surprise.
I can't have him stay with Cory.
She'd eat him alive.
Right.
What, is this a big deal?
No. Uh, no, not at all.
♪♪♪
- [Tami] Yes! - Nice shot.
Boone, you and me in the finals.
Let's do it.
[Boone] All right, rack 'em. You break.
You seem to be handling this all pretty well.
Yeah, why shouldn't I be? [sniffs]
'Cause they had sex in my guest room last time he was on leave.
It sounded like he was murdering her.
[scoffs]
Look, she's not my girlfriend, all right?
We can fuck whoever we want.
So make her your girlfriend if you like her.
"Girlfriend" implies a future.
Futures aren't her thing.
Yeah, she says that,
but it's just a bullshit self-protection thing.
Tami took her mom's death the hardest.
She tells people she's not gonna live past 40,
pretends like she doesn't care if she doesn't have a future.
[Cory] Shots, please. Shots over here.
You and me in the consolation game after they finish, yeah?
Lip?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
♪♪♪
[Veronica] Did you have to pull a gun on him?
You see a brown guy running,
you assume he did something wrong.
But you're a black guy.
Oh, you'd think that'd make a difference, wouldn't you?
He didn't do anything wrong.
He doesn't have any papers.
What are you gonna do with him now?
[indistinct chatter over police radio]
Fuck! [panting]
- Fly, my Mexican friend! - Guatemalan!
Guatemalan friend!
Fly!
Higher, just a little bit hi-higher.
Higher, higher. Yeah, yeah.
Right next to that little black kid
with his arm around the komodo dragon.
[chuckles] Perfect.
Thanks, honey.
So what's the point of a vision board?
You find images
that-that indicate what you want out of life,
and you put them on a board so you can see them.
It inspires you to make those things manifest.
You know, you guys should have vision boards.
- Uh, no. - I don't know.
[Ingrid] Oh, come on.
You're young. Your futures are ahead of you.
What do you want out of life?
♪ hopeful piano music ♪
♪♪♪
[vape pen crackling]
[inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
Howdy-do. Rhonda, my old friend.
How are you?
I'll be great in 30 seconds
when I kick your behind out of here.
Not before I apply for welfare for my children.
Most of your kids are too old.
Uh, not the old set.
Got some new ones coming in about eight and a half months.
Oh, how many?
- Could be as many as six. - Mm, six.
How many women did you get pregnant?
[chuckles] Just the one. I'm very virile.
The thing is, the old set doesn't think
I'm gonna be able to provide for the new set.
Oh. The old set is smarter than I figured they'd be.
And I'd like to prove them wrong.
And going on welfare is how you plan to do that?
I've done the math.
Start my checks now.
I'll invest the money in Bitcoin.
You know your way out.
Come on, Rhonda. Help a brother out.
[laughing] Excuse me?
"Bitcoin billionaire." You've heard the phrase?
My kids will be set.
I'll never have to bother you or the state of Illinois again.
I will see you in nine months.
That's your final word?
- Yes. - Fine.
This is why people hate big government.
It's all these bureaucratic rules.
I'm just trying to help. I'm coming up with solutions.
The only solution is to drain the swamp.
[bell dings]
All right, guys. Come on.
[grunts softly
There you go.
- You good? - Yeah.
All right, guys.
So it's gonna be jab, cross, jab, cross, and then boom.
I want you to put your full force into the hook.
- [Eliza] Okay. - Got it? All right, cool.
[grunts rhythmically] Nice.
Don't stop breathing, okay? I want you guys to hear
you guys breathing before every hit.
- Try again. - [exhales sharply] Okay.
[grunts rhythmically] Nice.
Made it through, girl.
[exhales deeply] Okay, you're new,
so I want you to go slow with it, okay?
Mm-hmm.
Take it easy on your left wrist.
If you get lost, that's your target.
- Ready? - Yep.
Nice, nice. Again.
- Boom--Oh! - [Fiona] Ooh.
- Sorry. - [Rob] Fuck. [coughs]
That's okay. Uh, let's try again.
♪ rock music ♪
Ooh!
Fuck! [inhales sharply]
[coughing] Oh!
You all right?
- [coughs, sniffs] - [Eliza] Jesus Christ.
Oh, man. Is it bad?
speaking Spanish
Sí.
♪ Hold on ♪
[metal clanking]
[boys shouting]
Boom, bitches! Fork it over.
Hey, Dirk.
Think you could take my friend here?
- This little Mexican tamale? - He's Guatemalan.
speaks Spanish
Whatever. It'll be like stealing candy from a piñata.
♪♪♪
[boys shouting indistinctly]
♪♪♪
Yes!
That's a hell of a left hook you got.
You really put your hip into that one.
Yeah, sorry. South Side.
[chuckles] Yeah, you warned me.
I, uh...I get off in a couple hours.
Maybe you, uh, buy me a drink to make up for it?
I just broke your nose.
You think I want to buy you a fucking drink?
- [Eliza chuckles] Here we go. - So, no?
You know, apparently, you can throw plates at a guy.
- [Rob] Throw plates? - You can break
their fucking nose, and still,
they think that you're hiding their tools
- or you want to fuck them. - I didn't say that.
- Not related things, Fiona. - They are related.
You know why? 'Cause all men are fucking scum.
All...of...them!
- Sorry, Rob. - Yeah, sorry, Rob.
Sorry about your nose, Rob. I hope it heals crooked.
- All right, come on, girl. - Just wanted a drink.
- [sarcastically] Rob. - [Eliza] Get it together.
[water running]
[knob squeaks, water stops, drain gurgling]
[shower curtain swishes]
Looks like my timing's pretty good.
Christ. [laughs]
How, uh--how'd you get in here?
Debbie.
- Oh. - So you shower at night?
No, Cory puked on me at the Alibi.
You know, uh, you Tamiettis can really hold your liquor.
You get Cami to puke on you,
you'll have a Tamietti hat trick.
[both chuckle]
Look, I get how all this could be weird for you.
Yeah, I, um...
I'm not entirely sure how it's not weird for you.
Dead soul probably.
It's cool the way you're just rolling with it, though.
I just wanted to say that.
Hey, um...
- where's Boone? - Asleep.
Still on haji time.
Yeah, uh... Um, I don't think so.
What?
[drawer closes]
Did you fuck him?
♪ moody music ♪
Does it matter?
Yeah, the guy thinks you're marrying him.
So maybe it should matter to you, yeah.
Okay, well, why don't you give me a list of things
that should matter to me, and I'll get right on it.
You know, not everybody rolls with things
like you, all right?
Okay. That is good to know.
♪♪♪
That's a beautiful vision board, Carl.
- Isn't this magnificent? - [door opens]
- Kelly? - [door closes]
[Ingrid] Why don't you tell us about it?
[Carl] Well, at the bottom are the hardships
Kelly's helped me realize I need to overcome--
you know, being poor, shitty parents, prison.
And at the top is how I'm gonna overcome those hardships--
by killing for our country.
Oh, outstanding.
All right, honey.
Why don't you tell us about yours?
Vision boarding sucks.
No, what about your goals and your dreams?
I don't have any goals or dreams.
All right. Tell us about that.
The Major always just had them for me.
Graduate at the top of your class,
go to a service academy, become an officer,
get your legs blown off.
- Your dad's kind of awesome. - My dad is an ass-munch.
You know, I've never really had anyone tell me what to do,
but now I know what my life calling is--
to protect our country and fight for our freedoms.
What if my calling is to get fat on a couch
and have your babies?
How fat are we talking?
You can do whatever you want.
You just have to decide.
♪ rock music ♪
♪♪♪
- Come on. - Where are we going?
♪♪♪
This stuff is liquid paradise.
[door opens]
Hey, why don't you just leave the bottle?
- You gonna pay for a bottle? - Just give it to him.
Good riddance to that horse piss.
- [door closes] - You're a Nubian queen, V.
Uh-uh, no, sir, not from you.
You find Santiago's uncle?
Oh, yeah, found him and then lost him.
- Ready? - Yep?
[coughs]
Six kids...
times four years at Northwestern per kid
times 73,000 a year.
One million, seven hundred and fifty-two thousand dollars.
Wow, fuck, that's a kick in the nuts.
[Tommy] Jesus!
"Dreams dead? You're our man. Be the Hobo Loco Man."
Kev, what is this?
It's one of those flyers from the Hobo Loco box.
"We're looking for someone who has perfected the art
of making the best of what little life has...
given them."
They're holding a competition
to choose the Hobo Loco spokesperson.
The winner gets a $50,000 contract
to be in a social-media campaign.
Well, that'll get one kid half a semester at Northwestern.
Do you know how many people
have parlayed social media-ness into fame and fortune?
- None. - [liquid pouring]
[chuckles] Oh.
This is me.
I'm the Hobo Loco Man.
♪ rock music ♪
♪ Girl, I love you ♪
♪ You keep it wild ♪
♪ And these eyes of mine ♪
♪ Gaze upon no one else ♪
♪ It's a raising high... ♪
So you are fucking other people.
♪ You got me questioning whether my head's right ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Whoa ♪
[singers vocalizing]
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪♪♪
[panting]
[moaning]
It is now after 2300 hours.
- [door opens] - From this moment on,
you will owe me 20 push-ups for every minute...
- [door closes] - ...that you aren't here.
- Where the hell-- - Sit down.
You will refer to me by my title!
Sit...down!
[sighs]
[exhales sharply]
Um, what's happening?
Shut up. I'm vision-boarding.
I want to go to Annapolis.
- I do. - Then I sugge--
But I want to be with Carl, too.
I want to hang out
and eat trans fat every once in a while,
maybe skip a run here and there.
I want to not do extra crunches
every time I misname a naval vessel.
[chuckling] And I want to call you "Dad."
And I want it to be okay if I'm having
what you think is an unacceptable day!
And if either of you have a problem with that,
then you can step the fuck up right now,
and let's solve it!
Uh, I'm--I'm good.
I don't have a problem.
♪ rock music ♪
Okay.
And I'll be at the Gallaghers' three nights a week.
No. Five.
Debbie's gonna charge me money,
so I need a raise in my allowance.
Fine.
Yeah, I'm down with that.
Okay, then. Carl, let's go.
Fuck the tent. We're having sex in my room.
♪♪♪
[Kelly] Carl!
I better go.
Yeah, I guess you better.
♪♪♪
speaking Spanish
[locks click]
♪ tense Western music ♪
May I help you?
- How come my key doesn't work? - I changed the locks.
You have the rest of the cash you owe me yet?
♪♪♪
Fifty-one twenty-five. Nice job.
When you get the other 18.75, I'll get you a key.
- Come on in, Santiago. - How come he gets to go in?
Kev and V paid in advance.
I knew you were an asshole.
[inhales sharply] I knew it.
[grunts]
And you "felt a responsibility to me."
[sniffles] Really?
You don't hurt someone...
[laughing] ...you feel responsibility for, do you?
No.
Wow, that really took the shit out of that one.
♪ gloomy music ♪
♪♪♪
[sobs softly]
♪♪♪
[exhales deeply]
[laughs]
All right. [clears throat]
What do you do?
[laughing]
[laughs] God.
[sniffles]
[yelps] Ow!
[laughing] Fuck.
[snorts]
[laughs]
[groans]
♪♪♪
Hey.
What do you want?
Is, uh, Boone still asleep?
Yeah.
I fucked your sister.
You're really working hard for that Tamietti hat trick.
Jesus. That doesn't bother you?
Nope.
Okay.
Well, I don't know what to say, Lip.
That shit just-- it doesn't bother me.
Why?
I mean, why? Why do you care so little?
Is it 'cause of what happened to your mom or...?
My mom?
My mom died of cancer, you fucking asshole.
What, and you think she'd want you to just give up?
Hey, shit's happened to me, too.
That doesn't mean I don't feel things.
Now you're feeling things for me all the sudden?
No, that's not what I said. Not for you.
I just mean in general.
All right.
Good talk.
It bothers me.
It...
bothers me that you fucked Cory.
I mean... [scoffs] Of course it bothers me.
Christ, I...
♪ Lord Huron's "Love Like Ghosts" ♪
I mean, it bothers you that I fucked Boone, right?
Yeah, it does.
Well...
♪♪♪
Good.
Great.
♪ Oh, but if you're leaving, I got to know why... ♪
So maybe just don't fuck Boone anymore.
Fine.
- Don't fuck Cory anymore. - Yeah, fine.
Fine.
♪ And I love you through the night ♪
♪♪♪
Okay.
[train rattling]
♪♪♪
[keys jingle]
What the fuck?
[Liam] Debbie changed the locks.
Ugh. [sighs]
Jesus.
She won't let any of us in until we pay what we owe her.
[scoffs]
Is there room over there for me?
♪ And if I can't have you, then no one ever will ♪
♪♪♪
♪ Oh, if I can't have you, no one ever will... ♪
[sighs]
♪♪♪
You're never gonna screw over women, are you?
I don't know.
You don't know?
I don't know if I'm into women.
♪ I don't feel it till it hurts sometimes... ♪
Oh.
Still keeping my options open.
♪ I want ours to be an endless song ♪
♪ Baby, in my eyes ♪
Okay.
♪ You do no wrong ♪
♪ I don't feel it... ♪
I promise.
Promise what?
To never screw over women.
♪♪♪
♪ Oh, I sing all day ♪
♪ And I love you through the night... ♪
Thanks.
[door opens]
You get the rest of the money you owe us?
[chuckles]
Nope.
This doesn't mean you don't owe us.
♪ Oh, I sing all day ♪
♪ And I love you through the night ♪
♪♪♪
[children] ♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪
♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪
♪ Of thee I sing ♪
♪ Land where my fathers died ♪
♪ Land of the pilgrims' pride ♪
♪ From every mountainside ♪
♪ Let freedom ring ♪