1
00:00:08,333 --> 00:00:09,834
[keys clacking]

2
00:00:09,834 --> 00:00:11,792
[typewriter bell dings]

3
00:00:11,792 --> 00:00:13,375
You won't leave your house.

4
00:00:13,375 --> 00:00:14,750
You're stoned before breakfast.

5
00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:15,750
And you look like...

6
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:17,375
I look like what?

7
00:00:17,375 --> 00:00:19,750
You look like what
I imagine you'd look like

8
00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:21,000
if you'd never left Michigan.

9
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,792
[gasps]

10
00:00:22,792 --> 00:00:25,166
We had a vehement conversation
about Anthony Powner Smith.

11
00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:26,667
Who knows?
He might surprise you.

12
00:00:26,667 --> 00:00:27,500
By tap-dancing.

13
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:28,917
[gasps]
That is wildly offensive.

14
00:00:28,917 --> 00:00:30,667
You're wildly offensive.

15
00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:32,333
Hello, good people.

16
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,333
Ah.

17
00:00:33,333 --> 00:00:36,875
Numbers through the roof!

18
00:00:36,875 --> 00:00:37,500
No shit?

19
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:38,667
Get your ass down there.

20
00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:40,083
You got a show to shoot!

21
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:40,917
We'll see.

22
00:00:40,917 --> 00:00:42,959
[Helen] He has demands?

23
00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:45,417
He masturbated
in front of America.

24
00:00:45,417 --> 00:00:47,208
And America said,

25
00:00:47,208 --> 00:00:48,875
"Thank you."

26
00:00:49,875 --> 00:00:53,542
[keys clacking]

27
00:00:53,542 --> 00:00:54,375
[typewriter dings]

28
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,083
[wind whooshing]

29
00:01:04,083 --> 00:01:07,083
♪ quirky music ♪

30
00:01:07,083 --> 00:01:11,208
♪♪♪

31
00:01:30,583 --> 00:01:31,625
[gunshot]

32
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,917
♪ quirky music ♪

33
00:01:41,917 --> 00:01:44,709
So you'd be playing this guy

34
00:01:44,709 --> 00:01:46,750
who used to be
a hit man for the mob.

35
00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:48,250
So typecasting?

36
00:01:48,250 --> 00:01:49,000
[laughs]
Yeah.

37
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,208
You just got out of prison,

38
00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:52,959
and you're trying to stay clean,

39
00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:54,625
but you got no money.

40
00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:56,000
Totally broke.

41
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:56,917
Got it.

42
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,500
So you're only option

43
00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,083
is to move in with your mother

44
00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:00,792
in her retirement community

45
00:02:00,792 --> 00:02:04,041
in Florida.
[laughs]

46
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,917
It's kind of
Goodfellas  meets  Cocoon.

47
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,041
Funny.
[both chuckle]

48
00:02:07,041 --> 00:02:09,667
[upbeat cell phone ringtone]

49
00:02:09,667 --> 00:02:10,542
Ugh.

50
00:02:10,542 --> 00:02:13,000
Sorry, I got to grab this.
My ex-wife.

51
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,291
Oh, no,
go-go-go.

52
00:02:15,291 --> 00:02:16,041
Yo?

53
00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,333
So, uh,

54
00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:18,834
I saw your little show

55
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:20,208
with the girl in the box.

56
00:02:20,208 --> 00:02:22,250
Yeah, that was a shit-storm.

57
00:02:22,250 --> 00:02:23,500
But hey, ratings are up 30%.

58
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:25,458
30%.

59
00:02:25,458 --> 00:02:27,458
Aw, I'm happy for you.

60
00:02:27,458 --> 00:02:28,375
Eh, hey.

61
00:02:28,375 --> 00:02:30,750
Are you fuckin' crazy?

62
00:02:30,750 --> 00:02:31,333
One of the kids at school

63
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:33,375
saw it and told Michael.

64
00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:34,792
So Michael watched it.

65
00:02:34,792 --> 00:02:35,834
Then Michael

66
00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:36,792
showed Aiden.

67
00:02:36,792 --> 00:02:38,291
So now both your boys

68
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:40,500
have seen you
with your dick in your hand,

69
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,041
jerking off to some girl
in a glass box

70
00:02:43,041 --> 00:02:44,500
with her cooch hanging out.

71
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,375
30%.

72
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,625
I'm not fuckin'
doing this with you.

73
00:02:49,625 --> 00:02:51,458
The therapist says
you got to talk to them.

74
00:02:51,458 --> 00:02:52,125
Ah--can't you do it?

75
00:02:52,125 --> 00:02:54,250
No.
This is your mess.

76
00:02:54,250 --> 00:02:56,166
You clean it up.

77
00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:57,875
Which I'm sure you didn't do
after your little video.

78
00:02:57,875 --> 00:02:59,291
Fine. Whatever.

79
00:02:59,291 --> 00:03:00,083
I gotta go.

80
00:03:00,083 --> 00:03:01,166
Go.

81
00:03:02,125 --> 00:03:03,000
You all right?

82
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,500
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry.

83
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:06,375
Um, so you were saying...

84
00:03:08,834 --> 00:03:10,125
I have no idea what
you were saying, um...

85
00:03:10,125 --> 00:03:11,458
one more time.

86
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,375
♪♪♪

87
00:03:13,375 --> 00:03:15,417
[woman on TV] Julie
and her fiance Dave

88
00:03:15,417 --> 00:03:17,000
Have been looking
in the Chicago area...

89
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,166
Come on.
Get dressed.

90
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,250
We're going on a hike.

91
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:21,500
[snorts]
No, I'm not.

92
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,125
Yes, you are.

93
00:03:23,125 --> 00:03:25,041
This is ridiculous.
You've got to get out of here.

94
00:03:25,041 --> 00:03:26,500
I'm in the middle of something.

95
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:27,750
What?

96
00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:29,333
This stupid woman
and her husband

97
00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:31,125
are looking for a house.

98
00:03:31,125 --> 00:03:32,500
[woman on TV] The first house
in Buffalo Grove--

99
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,792
How many hours have you
been at this today?

100
00:03:34,792 --> 00:03:37,208
What time is it?

101
00:03:37,208 --> 00:03:38,083
9:30.

102
00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:39,041
Oh.

103
00:03:39,041 --> 00:03:41,250
The longer you stay here,

104
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:41,875
the harder it's gonna be
to leave.

105
00:03:41,875 --> 00:03:43,875
It's like quicksand.

106
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:45,125
You sit here, hour after hour,

107
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,208
watching these shows,

108
00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:48,083
getting high--

109
00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:49,583
I'm not getting high.

110
00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:50,375
Since when?

111
00:03:50,375 --> 00:03:50,792
Since I ran out of dope.

112
00:03:50,792 --> 00:03:52,208
Aww.

113
00:03:52,208 --> 00:03:54,750
You're like a white
Billie Holiday.

114
00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:57,208
It's not funny.

115
00:03:57,208 --> 00:03:58,709
I can't afford any more.

116
00:03:58,709 --> 00:04:00,083
Well,

117
00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:01,709
I do have a thought about that.

118
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,375
You're buying me dope?

119
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:04,542
No.

120
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,166
If you need money,

121
00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:10,792
and this is gonna sound
a little extreme,

122
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,083
have you considered

123
00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:14,250
suing Helen and the network?

124
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:15,500
[chuckles]
I can't do that.

125
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,000
No, hear me out.

126
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,417
Your employer initiated
an affair with you,

127
00:04:19,417 --> 00:04:21,291
and then, when she
broke up with you,

128
00:04:21,291 --> 00:04:26,375
she created
a hostile work environment,

129
00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:27,959
forcing you to leave.

130
00:04:27,959 --> 00:04:28,875
And now,

131
00:04:28,875 --> 00:04:30,875
you can't get hired.

132
00:04:30,875 --> 00:04:31,291
Oh.

133
00:04:31,291 --> 00:04:33,166
I don't know.

134
00:04:33,166 --> 00:04:34,208
I think you have
a very strong case.

135
00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:37,792
It just doesn't feel right.

136
00:04:37,792 --> 00:04:40,250
I mean, a lawsuit?

137
00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:43,417
Also, it seems like
so much work.

138
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,000
Yes, it would cut into
your busy schedule

139
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,750
as a real estate viewer.

140
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,625
So...

141
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,000
...you ever see her?

142
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:53,959
Who?
Helen?

143
00:04:53,959 --> 00:04:56,083
Mm, sometimes.

144
00:04:56,083 --> 00:04:56,959
In meetings.

145
00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:58,834
She doesn't, um,

146
00:04:58,834 --> 00:05:00,250
ever ask about me, does she?

147
00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:03,333
Probably not.
[laughs, snorts]

148
00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:05,875
I--I'm just curious.

149
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:07,750
After everything
she did to you?

150
00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,959
She literally
stripped you naked,

151
00:05:10,959 --> 00:05:11,792
on a hill.

152
00:05:11,792 --> 00:05:12,709
I know.

153
00:05:12,709 --> 00:05:14,834
That you're even
thinking about her!

154
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:15,208
I know.

155
00:05:15,208 --> 00:05:17,125
Please.

156
00:05:17,125 --> 00:05:18,333
Get out of this house.

157
00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:19,750
Get out of your head.

158
00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:20,917
- I will.
- When?

159
00:05:20,917 --> 00:05:24,875
Right after Love It or List It
and Property Brothers.

160
00:05:24,875 --> 00:05:27,792
And Flip or Flop.

161
00:05:27,792 --> 00:05:30,375
♪♪♪

162
00:05:30,375 --> 00:05:32,667
So I'd be playing
this former hit man who

163
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:36,000
has to move into his mother's
retirement community.

164
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,917
It's like a cross between
Goodfellas  and  Cocoon.

165
00:05:39,917 --> 00:05:41,166
Prosecco.

166
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,208
Oh, we didn't order any--

167
00:05:43,208 --> 00:05:44,709
Our compliments.

168
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,000
Thanks.

169
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,667
They like to
bring me stuff here.

170
00:05:47,667 --> 00:05:47,917
Why?

171
00:05:47,917 --> 00:05:50,750
Why?

172
00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:52,709
So the bit is
all these old people

173
00:05:52,709 --> 00:05:54,375
keep trying to hire me
to kill each other.

174
00:05:54,375 --> 00:05:56,041
And they're, like,
worse than the mob.

175
00:05:56,041 --> 00:05:58,417
Oh, that's funny.

176
00:05:58,417 --> 00:05:59,208
Is it?

177
00:05:59,208 --> 00:06:00,333
Mmm.

178
00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:01,834
See, that's what
I was afraid of.

179
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:03,458
I--oh.

180
00:06:03,458 --> 00:06:05,709
Oh, thank you.
And this is?

181
00:06:05,709 --> 00:06:07,792
Chef's house-made
goose liver pâté.

182
00:06:07,792 --> 00:06:09,375
Wait until you try this.

183
00:06:09,375 --> 00:06:09,875
Thank him for us, please.

184
00:06:09,875 --> 00:06:12,000
Bon appétit.

185
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,542
[chuckles]

186
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,083
It helps if you
eat a lot of bread with it.

187
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,041
What about you?

188
00:06:17,041 --> 00:06:18,375
No, I fucking hate pâté.

189
00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:19,458
I hate geese.

190
00:06:19,458 --> 00:06:21,208
Why didn't you say something?

191
00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:23,208
I made a big fuss
the first time they brought it.

192
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:25,125
Now they bring it every time.
Just eat it.

193
00:06:25,125 --> 00:06:26,333
Why do I have to eat it?

194
00:06:26,333 --> 00:06:27,083
It'd be rude.

195
00:06:27,083 --> 00:06:27,917
So you eat it.

196
00:06:27,917 --> 00:06:29,959
[groans]

197
00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,709
Okay, look, forget about
the hit man in Florida.

198
00:06:31,709 --> 00:06:32,667
You're right.
It sucks.

199
00:06:32,667 --> 00:06:33,500
Here's another one.

200
00:06:33,500 --> 00:06:35,208
Another one?

201
00:06:35,208 --> 00:06:37,041
Did you ask me here just
to pick my brain about these?

202
00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,333
No, come on.

203
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:41,041
I haven't seen you.

204
00:06:41,041 --> 00:06:41,834
All right.

205
00:06:41,834 --> 00:06:42,500
[exhales]

206
00:06:42,500 --> 00:06:44,709
But since I got you here...

207
00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:45,875
You've got a list?

208
00:06:45,875 --> 00:06:47,875
- There's not that many.
- How many's not that many?

209
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:50,250
Um...

210
00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:51,709
[mumbled counting]

211
00:06:51,709 --> 00:06:53,375
All right, just pitch me
your absolute favorite.

212
00:06:53,375 --> 00:06:55,875
What's the one
you're really excited about?

213
00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:57,208
Well, really excited?
[groans]

214
00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,417
Okay, let's try this.

215
00:06:59,417 --> 00:07:01,250
Go through your list,

216
00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:04,000
eliminate every one
where you're recently divorced.

217
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,083
Gotcha.

218
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:05,917
Or a "former" something.

219
00:07:05,917 --> 00:07:07,625
Sure.

220
00:07:07,625 --> 00:07:11,750
Who "reluctantly"
agrees to do something.

221
00:07:11,750 --> 00:07:16,583
Especially if you're "forced
to move in with" someone.

222
00:07:16,583 --> 00:07:20,000
Oh, and nix anything
with the words "dysfunctional,"

223
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,625
uh, "instant family,"

224
00:07:21,625 --> 00:07:23,792
or "comes to realize."

225
00:07:23,792 --> 00:07:24,417
What's wrong
with "comes to realize"?

226
00:07:24,417 --> 00:07:25,667
Because whatever it is,

227
00:07:25,667 --> 00:07:28,583
the network will insist
you "come to realize" it

228
00:07:28,583 --> 00:07:30,250
by the end of the pilot.

229
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,333
- [soft exhale]
- So then you've got no show.

230
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:34,583
Right, okay.
Give me a second.

231
00:07:34,583 --> 00:07:35,583
At least try the fucking pâté.

232
00:07:45,709 --> 00:07:46,875
- Eh.
- [pen crosses]

233
00:07:46,875 --> 00:07:50,125
Well?

234
00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:52,291
I've never actually
tasted baby shit,

235
00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:52,959
but I have to assume.

236
00:07:52,959 --> 00:07:55,333
Okay, done.

237
00:07:55,333 --> 00:07:56,792
So what have you got left?

238
00:07:56,792 --> 00:07:58,291
Fuck.

239
00:07:58,291 --> 00:08:00,125
I don't want to do
the one where I'm a ghost.

240
00:08:00,125 --> 00:08:01,458
Probably wise.

241
00:08:01,458 --> 00:08:02,750
And I just realized,
it's a ghost

242
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:05,834
who has an instant family
and they're dysfunctional.

243
00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:07,625
Jesus.

244
00:08:07,625 --> 00:08:10,208
Look, you're in
a unique position.

245
00:08:10,208 --> 00:08:11,792
You have a ton of fuck-you money

246
00:08:11,792 --> 00:08:12,917
and a good day job.

247
00:08:12,917 --> 00:08:15,709
You can afford to take a risk.

248
00:08:15,709 --> 00:08:17,083
You need to come back with
something no one's expecting.

249
00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:19,583
Do a drama.

250
00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:22,000
Do a really dark comedy.

251
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,250
If you're gonna play
a former hit man

252
00:08:23,250 --> 00:08:26,500
with a bunch of old people,
fucking shoot some of them.

253
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:29,000
Do a show that'll make people
go, "Shit,

254
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,000
I didn't know he could do that."

255
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,333
Yes.

256
00:08:34,208 --> 00:08:35,000
You guys got to do it.

257
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,625
♪♪♪

258
00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:39,250
Can I start you
with something to drink?

259
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,166
Iced tea for me.

260
00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:42,583
Double scotch, neat.

261
00:08:42,583 --> 00:08:43,417
Very good.

262
00:08:43,417 --> 00:08:44,125
A double scotch.

263
00:08:44,125 --> 00:08:46,208
[sighs]

264
00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:47,667
It's my wife's medical stuff.

265
00:08:47,667 --> 00:08:49,500
How's she doing?

266
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,834
Well, now they're saying she
needs a bone marrow transplant.

267
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:52,959
Oh, my God.

268
00:08:52,959 --> 00:08:55,291
Turns out, I'm a match.

269
00:08:55,291 --> 00:08:57,333
My luck.

270
00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:59,208
[whispers] Oh.
Wow.

271
00:08:59,208 --> 00:09:01,000
Apparently,

272
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,542
it can be very painful.

273
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,875
Oh, poor thing.

274
00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:06,542
I'm talking about me.

275
00:09:06,542 --> 00:09:07,959
Oh.

276
00:09:07,959 --> 00:09:11,166
This is not what you want
from a second marriage.

277
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:14,959
Why can't you?

278
00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,875
We're a little busy helping
to destroy our current show.

279
00:09:16,875 --> 00:09:18,625
And you're fucking miserable.

280
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:20,709
- From the chef.
- Ah.

281
00:09:20,709 --> 00:09:24,375
Tuna tartare with
a light truffle sesame oil.

282
00:09:24,375 --> 00:09:25,792
Ooh.

283
00:09:25,792 --> 00:09:27,041
Mmm.

284
00:09:27,041 --> 00:09:28,750
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm.

285
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:29,375
Gave me the squirts
for a week.

286
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:32,041
Why are we eating here?

287
00:09:32,041 --> 00:09:34,000
Come on.
We got to do this.

288
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,417
Yes, well, I'm not sure
the network will be

289
00:09:35,417 --> 00:09:36,667
very keen on us
jumping ship.

290
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,000
Don't worry about the network.

291
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,834
They'll do anything
to keep me happy.

292
00:09:39,834 --> 00:09:40,875
I can protect you.

293
00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:43,166
I'll be your 500-pound gorilla.

294
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,333
That's what this smells like.

295
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,125
Yeah, it's gross.

296
00:09:46,125 --> 00:09:47,375
Mmm!

297
00:09:48,750 --> 00:09:50,875
[cell phone rings]

298
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:55,625
Hello?

299
00:09:55,625 --> 00:09:58,250
You are gonna be
so proud of me.

300
00:09:58,250 --> 00:09:59,291
Am I?

301
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:00,792
I'm out!

302
00:10:00,792 --> 00:10:01,959
No?

303
00:10:01,959 --> 00:10:03,041
[laughs] Uh-huh.

304
00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:05,834
It's like a scene from
Shawshank Redemption.

305
00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,083
You should see me.

306
00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:08,542
I'm on a street!

307
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:09,750
Taking a walk!

308
00:10:09,750 --> 00:10:11,417
Good for you!

309
00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:13,291
I got a donut.

310
00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:14,166
You did not?

311
00:10:14,166 --> 00:10:14,750
And?

312
00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:16,667
Donuts are expensive.

313
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:17,917
I know.

314
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,458
It's because they're so rare.

315
00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:20,250
Mmm.

316
00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:21,291
But it's good.

317
00:10:21,291 --> 00:10:22,500
I'm glad I did it.

318
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,083
You should be.

319
00:10:24,083 --> 00:10:25,208
It's a big step.

320
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,458
I may get a juice.

321
00:10:27,458 --> 00:10:29,041
Well, don't go crazy.

322
00:10:29,041 --> 00:10:30,458
Okay.

323
00:10:30,458 --> 00:10:32,041
I'm gonna let you go.

324
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:33,250
You don't have to.
I'm just walking.

325
00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:35,709
It's a figure of speech
when someone wants to hang up,

326
00:10:35,709 --> 00:10:36,875
remember?

327
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:38,125
You used to use it on me
all the time.

328
00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:39,500
March on.

329
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,041
I am very proud of you.

330
00:10:42,041 --> 00:10:42,625
Me too.

331
00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:44,875
Thanks for pushing me.

332
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:45,417
I needed the push.

333
00:10:45,417 --> 00:10:47,583
Enjoy your donut.

334
00:10:47,583 --> 00:10:49,500
Oh, I am.

335
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,792
♪ quirky music ♪

336
00:10:53,792 --> 00:10:57,875
♪♪♪

337
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,291
♪ dramatic music ♪

338
00:11:09,291 --> 00:11:15,125
♪♪♪

339
00:11:18,417 --> 00:11:23,166
[muttering, crying]

340
00:11:23,166 --> 00:11:25,625
[woman on TV] Buying a house
in Woodbridge, Connecticut,

341
00:11:25,625 --> 00:11:27,792
hasn't been easy
for newlyweds Bill and Fern.

342
00:11:27,792 --> 00:11:29,709
[sighs]

343
00:11:29,709 --> 00:11:30,875
[woman on TV] They can't agree
on what they want.

344
00:11:30,875 --> 00:11:33,542
They're looking
in the New Haven sub--

345
00:11:33,542 --> 00:11:34,667
[TV clicks off]

346
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,417
[groans]

347
00:11:41,917 --> 00:11:42,834
[man on TV] Two balls
and two strikes.

348
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,667
[phone ringing]

349
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:45,583
[man on TV] And with the two
strikes, continues to--

350
00:11:45,583 --> 00:11:46,583
[TV clicks off]

351
00:11:46,583 --> 00:11:48,000
[sighs]

352
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,083
Hello?

353
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,125
Sean?

354
00:11:50,125 --> 00:11:52,625
Who?

355
00:11:52,625 --> 00:11:54,458
What?

356
00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:56,208
Carol?

357
00:11:56,208 --> 00:11:56,959
Oh, shit.

358
00:11:56,959 --> 00:11:59,583
[chuckles]
"Oh, shit" to you.

359
00:11:59,583 --> 00:12:03,041
[laughs]
I'm sor--I'm sorry.

360
00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:04,542
I just, uh,

361
00:12:04,542 --> 00:12:06,500
I-I was calling Beverly

362
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,458
and I guess

363
00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:09,250
Lincoln is next to Lapidus.

364
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:10,750
That's okay.

365
00:12:10,750 --> 00:12:13,542
I'll take a butt-dial
from you any day.

366
00:12:13,542 --> 00:12:16,500
Well, not exactly
a butt-dial,

367
00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,250
but, uh, so,

368
00:12:18,250 --> 00:12:20,834
um,

369
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:22,458
sorry to bother you.

370
00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:23,083
Take care.

371
00:12:23,083 --> 00:12:25,333
Oh!

372
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:29,000
[phone ringing]

373
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,250
[groans]

374
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,208
[phone ringing]

375
00:12:33,750 --> 00:12:34,500
Hello.

376
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:35,834
Are you okay?

377
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:37,458
Yeah.
I'm great.

378
00:12:37,458 --> 00:12:38,583
Really?

379
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:39,709
Mm, mm-hmm, no, I'm...

380
00:12:39,709 --> 00:12:42,792
[inhales, exhales deeply]

381
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:43,750
...I don't know.

382
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:45,417
You want to grab a bite?

383
00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:46,500
Let me buy you dinner.

384
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:47,959
Oh, God.

385
00:12:47,959 --> 00:12:49,917
[chuckles] No.
No, no.

386
00:12:49,917 --> 00:12:50,208
Ah, come on.

387
00:12:50,208 --> 00:12:52,250
No.

388
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:56,583
Honest, uh-um...

389
00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:58,583
...if you saw me right now,

390
00:12:58,583 --> 00:13:00,458
you'd lose your appetite.
[laughs]

391
00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:02,250
I'm...

392
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:03,417
...kind of a mess.
[laughs]

393
00:13:03,417 --> 00:13:05,542
Are you sure?

394
00:13:05,542 --> 00:13:06,625
Yeah.

395
00:13:06,625 --> 00:13:09,709
Yeah, I'm really--

396
00:13:09,709 --> 00:13:11,291
I'm better off
by myself right now.

397
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,583
Well,

398
00:13:13,583 --> 00:13:15,333
tell your butt
I'm here if it needs me.

399
00:13:15,333 --> 00:13:18,125
Mm-kay.

400
00:13:18,125 --> 00:13:20,750
[sighs]

401
00:13:20,750 --> 00:13:22,333
[sad chuckle]

402
00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:25,542
So I understand from Mommy

403
00:13:25,542 --> 00:13:28,709
that you guys saw me
on the computer doing some

404
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:31,333
pretty silly stuff.

405
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:33,417
Now, I don't know why
we don't have some kind of

406
00:13:33,417 --> 00:13:34,250
parental control thing
that would

407
00:13:34,250 --> 00:13:36,750
stop you from seeing
stuff like that.

408
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:37,834
Not the point.

409
00:13:37,834 --> 00:13:38,709
You want to do this?

410
00:13:38,709 --> 00:13:40,625
No, this is you.

411
00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:41,458
Do it.
Just do it.

412
00:13:41,458 --> 00:13:42,083
I'm doing it.

413
00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,333
Anyway,

414
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,041
you know how sometimes
you guys do stuff

415
00:13:49,041 --> 00:13:52,667
you know you shouldn't do
but you do it anyway?

416
00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:54,625
Hm?

417
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,208
Well, sometimes daddies
do that too.

418
00:13:56,208 --> 00:14:00,041
I mean, it's a little different
'cause the stuff you do

419
00:14:00,041 --> 00:14:01,834
doesn't end up on Fox News,

420
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:03,208
'cause apparently
Greta Van Susteren

421
00:14:03,208 --> 00:14:06,000
doesn't have enough real stuff
to fucking talk about.

422
00:14:09,959 --> 00:14:11,667
But the point is,

423
00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:14,709
that doesn't make
what Daddy did okay.

424
00:14:14,709 --> 00:14:16,750
And I feel bad.

425
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:19,709
[Matt] I feel bad
that it happened,

426
00:14:19,709 --> 00:14:22,208
and I feel bad
you had to see it.

427
00:14:22,208 --> 00:14:24,709
I'm sure it was
very, very weird for you,

428
00:14:24,709 --> 00:14:26,291
seeing that naked lady

429
00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:29,375
and Daddy's penis.

430
00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:31,333
So we don't need
to talk about Daddy's penis

431
00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,583
'cause the point is...

432
00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:43,375
...The point is,
I made a mistake.

433
00:14:43,375 --> 00:14:45,709
A big mistake.

434
00:14:45,709 --> 00:14:47,333
But the good thing

435
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:48,709
is that every time
you make a mistake,

436
00:14:48,709 --> 00:14:52,083
you learn something.
Hmm?

437
00:14:52,083 --> 00:14:54,875
And what I learned,
and this is the one thing

438
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:58,417
I want you to remember,

439
00:14:58,417 --> 00:15:00,208
whenever you're about
to do something

440
00:15:00,208 --> 00:15:03,375
that you know is bad,

441
00:15:03,375 --> 00:15:07,542
always, always, always

442
00:15:07,542 --> 00:15:11,458
look for the camera.

443
00:15:11,458 --> 00:15:14,542
Hmm?

444
00:15:14,542 --> 00:15:14,917
So we're good?

445
00:15:14,917 --> 00:15:15,500
[mutters]

446
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,375
[knife clangs]

447
00:15:17,375 --> 00:15:19,709
Okay. Good.

448
00:15:19,709 --> 00:15:21,417
♪♪♪

449
00:15:21,417 --> 00:15:23,542
[knock at door]

450
00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:28,250
Oh, no.

451
00:15:28,250 --> 00:15:29,500
- Oh, yeah.
- No.

452
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,417
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- No, no, no.

453
00:15:31,417 --> 00:15:34,625
- You didn't have--
- I know.

454
00:15:34,625 --> 00:15:36,458
D'oh!
Stop looking at me.

455
00:15:36,458 --> 00:15:37,583
Why, you look great.

456
00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:39,250
Bullshit.

457
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:40,041
[scoffs]

458
00:15:40,041 --> 00:15:40,542
Well, you look comfortable.

459
00:15:40,542 --> 00:15:42,709
[both scoff]

460
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,959
You really shouldn't have--

461
00:15:44,959 --> 00:15:45,834
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

462
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:48,166
So I...

463
00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:51,417
...got the roast chicken
that you like.

464
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,583
I got some of those green beans

465
00:15:53,583 --> 00:15:54,583
and that potato thing,

466
00:15:54,583 --> 00:15:57,667
with...

467
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:59,083
...sauce on the side.

468
00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:00,083
Aw.

469
00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:01,792
I got no fucking kale.

470
00:16:01,792 --> 00:16:04,792
I got the mac and cheese.

471
00:16:04,792 --> 00:16:05,834
Oh, with the truffles?

472
00:16:05,834 --> 00:16:07,875
- [chuckles]
- [sniffs]

473
00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:08,667
[sighs]

474
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:10,208
But first,

475
00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:13,291
a little amuse-bouche.

476
00:16:13,291 --> 00:16:15,500
Oh, my God.

477
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,917
Did you bring papers?

478
00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:19,250
Did I bring papers?

479
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:20,458
[cries]

480
00:16:20,458 --> 00:16:21,834
Oh, Jesus.

481
00:16:21,834 --> 00:16:23,583
When you said you were a mess,
I--

482
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:26,125
I am a mess.

483
00:16:26,125 --> 00:16:28,458
Aww, honey.

484
00:16:28,458 --> 00:16:31,125
[sobbing]

485
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:33,458
[sniffling]

486
00:16:33,458 --> 00:16:36,500
Are you smelling my hair?

487
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,500
Don't smell my hair.

488
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,333
I'm trying not to.

489
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,709
- [sobs]
- Oh.

490
00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:46,625
♪♪♪

491
00:16:46,625 --> 00:16:49,458
So I get home last night
and kick off my shoes,

492
00:16:49,458 --> 00:16:52,166
and I start going
into the kitchen.

493
00:16:52,166 --> 00:16:54,458
Then, I turn around...
[laughs]

494
00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:55,375
...and there's Mr. Swizzleboots,

495
00:16:55,375 --> 00:16:58,333
and he's got his head
inside my shoe.

496
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,000
And all you can see
is his little bum,

497
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:01,458
and his tail wagging like crazy.
- [writers awwing]

498
00:17:01,458 --> 00:17:03,917
- Look-look-look-look-look-look-
look-look-look-look-look-look.

499
00:17:03,917 --> 00:17:05,166
[Tim on phone]
Who's in that shoe?

500
00:17:05,166 --> 00:17:06,125
Aww.

501
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:08,250
Who's in that shoe?

502
00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:10,166
Who's in that shoe?
Who's in that shoe?

503
00:17:10,166 --> 00:17:13,041
- [cat meows on phone]
- Who's in that shoe?

504
00:17:13,041 --> 00:17:16,208
So apparently, there is
another level of hell.

505
00:17:16,208 --> 00:17:19,000
[chuckles]
Never hated a cat more.

506
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,166
Who's in that shoe?

507
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:24,041
Oh, you guys.

508
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:25,041
Is this because I made
the banana bread?

509
00:17:25,041 --> 00:17:29,542
Actually, it's for
Sean and Beverly.

510
00:17:29,542 --> 00:17:31,000
Oh.

511
00:17:32,542 --> 00:17:33,875
From Matt?

512
00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:36,041
"Let me be your
500-pound gorilla."

513
00:17:36,041 --> 00:17:38,750
Uh, whenever you're done
playing with your plush toy,

514
00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:41,709
perhaps we could
get back to work?

515
00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:42,375
All right, where were we?

516
00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:44,542
Uh, I believe we were up to,

517
00:17:44,542 --> 00:17:46,709
"Who's in that shoe?"

518
00:17:48,583 --> 00:17:50,792
So good.

519
00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,750
[inhales sharply]

520
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:54,542
Oh.

521
00:17:54,542 --> 00:17:56,917
I missed you.

522
00:17:56,917 --> 00:17:58,375
[stifled chuckle]

523
00:17:58,375 --> 00:17:58,709
Oh!

524
00:17:58,709 --> 00:18:00,125
And you.

525
00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:03,458
- [snickers]
- Hello, old friend.

526
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:06,750
[exhales]

527
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:08,542
How great is this?

528
00:18:08,542 --> 00:18:10,000
Pretty fucking great.

529
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,041
[laughs]

530
00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:14,583
Ahh.

531
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:15,875
Mm.

532
00:18:15,875 --> 00:18:19,291
You've got a hit show.

533
00:18:19,291 --> 00:18:20,583
How the hell
did that happen?

534
00:18:20,583 --> 00:18:21,750
I hate it.

535
00:18:21,750 --> 00:18:22,667
You do not.

536
00:18:22,667 --> 00:18:24,291
I do.

537
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:27,208
They treat LeBlanc
like he's a fucking king.

538
00:18:27,208 --> 00:18:28,250
Like he invented ratings.

539
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:31,583
- [giggles]
- Me, I'm a punch line.

540
00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:33,417
I mean, Jesus Christ,

541
00:18:33,417 --> 00:18:34,333
who brought them the show?

542
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:37,667
You were there.
It's such bullshit.

543
00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:40,000
[mock sobs]

544
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,083
[laughs]

545
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:42,875
Fuck you.

546
00:18:42,875 --> 00:18:44,709
No.
Fuck you.

547
00:18:44,709 --> 00:18:46,583
I don't have a job.

548
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:47,875
Mm.

549
00:18:47,875 --> 00:18:49,500
You should have a job.

550
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,458
I should have a job.

551
00:18:52,458 --> 00:18:53,458
More?

552
00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:54,542
Ugh--yes.

553
00:18:54,542 --> 00:18:56,875
[laughs]

554
00:18:56,875 --> 00:18:58,542
At least you're making money.

555
00:18:58,542 --> 00:19:00,792
It all goes to Jamie
and the other two.

556
00:19:00,792 --> 00:19:02,458
[inhales]

557
00:19:02,458 --> 00:19:04,959
And all those fucking kids.

558
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:07,083
Said with love.

559
00:19:07,083 --> 00:19:08,000
Always.

560
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,208
[laughs]

561
00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:09,667
How's your mother?

562
00:19:09,667 --> 00:19:10,625
[coughs]

563
00:19:10,625 --> 00:19:12,417
[laughs]

564
00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:13,125
Whoa.

565
00:19:13,125 --> 00:19:13,959
I was just wondering.

566
00:19:13,959 --> 00:19:14,875
She's meaner.

567
00:19:14,875 --> 00:19:17,291
Is that possible?

568
00:19:17,291 --> 00:19:19,083
Oh, science wouldn't have
thought so,

569
00:19:19,083 --> 00:19:21,125
but somehow she is.

570
00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:22,041
I think since my father died,

571
00:19:22,041 --> 00:19:24,417
she's doing the work of two.

572
00:19:24,417 --> 00:19:25,875
[both laugh]

573
00:19:29,542 --> 00:19:30,875
What?

574
00:19:30,875 --> 00:19:32,417
I miss that face.

575
00:19:32,417 --> 00:19:34,083
Ah, I said don't look at me.

576
00:19:34,083 --> 00:19:36,667
Hey, you're not
the boss of me.

577
00:19:36,667 --> 00:19:38,166
And you are not
the boss of me.

578
00:19:38,166 --> 00:19:41,750
- [chuckles]
- That's still weird.

579
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,709
I really fucked this up.

580
00:19:45,709 --> 00:19:48,333
Mm-hmm.

581
00:19:48,333 --> 00:19:51,583
You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.

582
00:19:51,583 --> 00:19:52,959
Damn right.

583
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:58,125
Stop looking.

584
00:19:58,125 --> 00:19:59,667
[laughs]

585
00:19:59,667 --> 00:20:03,000
♪♪♪

586
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,083
[phone ringing]

587
00:20:06,083 --> 00:20:08,500
Uh, it's Eileen.

588
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,000
Uh, we'll be right there.

589
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,333
Make it quick.
Don't want to miss the fun.

590
00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:15,375
If Voldemort were
a camp counselor.

591
00:20:15,375 --> 00:20:16,750
Hmm.

592
00:20:17,709 --> 00:20:18,709
Morning.

593
00:20:18,709 --> 00:20:19,583
[Eileen] Hi, guys.

594
00:20:19,583 --> 00:20:20,709
How's it going?

595
00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:21,917
- Horrible.
- Tortuous.

596
00:20:21,917 --> 00:20:23,792
Okay, so I just got a call

597
00:20:23,792 --> 00:20:25,417
from Roger Riskin,
Matt LeBlanc's agent.

598
00:20:25,417 --> 00:20:29,041
He's saying Matt asked you
to write his next show?

599
00:20:29,041 --> 00:20:30,834
- Yeah, Matt's been after us.
- Right.

600
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:31,542
I didn't know what to say.

601
00:20:31,542 --> 00:20:33,875
Got to keep me in the loop.

602
00:20:33,875 --> 00:20:35,166
Well, there really
is no loop.

603
00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:36,375
We've decided to
stick it out here.

604
00:20:36,375 --> 00:20:37,917
God knows why.

605
00:20:37,917 --> 00:20:39,667
We've got so much invested.

606
00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:40,542
I think that's very smart.

607
00:20:40,542 --> 00:20:43,208
The buzz on Opposite
is super hot,

608
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,250
and now with
Anthony Powner Smith--

609
00:20:45,250 --> 00:20:46,667
- Say what?
- I'm sorry, what?

610
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:47,667
What?

611
00:20:47,667 --> 00:20:49,166
Anthony Powner Smith?

612
00:20:49,709 --> 00:20:51,500
Right?

613
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,750
Is what?

614
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:54,291
In Opposite.

615
00:20:54,291 --> 00:20:55,542
[both chuckle]

616
00:20:55,542 --> 00:20:57,250
- No, no, no.
- No, not likely.

617
00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,583
Okay.

618
00:20:59,583 --> 00:21:01,250
Unless he is.

619
00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:02,458
Eileen, where
are you getting this?

620
00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:05,750
Look, I may be misinformed.

621
00:21:05,750 --> 00:21:09,458
Would it be from
your other client, Tim?

622
00:21:09,458 --> 00:21:10,208
Maybe.

623
00:21:10,208 --> 00:21:13,583
So you're not misinformed?

624
00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:14,917
No.

625
00:21:14,917 --> 00:21:17,500
Well, at least you've kept us
in the loop.

626
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,917
Uh, to that end,
full disclosure,

627
00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:23,750
I may have signed him
as well.

628
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,750
Who?

629
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:25,208
Anthony Powner Smith?

630
00:21:25,208 --> 00:21:27,000
I think so.

631
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,750
What do you mean
you think so?

632
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:29,959
No, I did.

633
00:21:29,959 --> 00:21:32,500
And Tim cast him in our show,

634
00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:33,959
knowing full well
how we feel?

635
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,000
Is it a done deal?

636
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,625
Uhh....

637
00:21:37,625 --> 00:21:39,792
I'm sure his agent
will be able to tell you.

638
00:21:39,792 --> 00:21:41,000
No, it's a done deal.

639
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,625
Oh, brilliant.

640
00:21:42,625 --> 00:21:43,959
- Okay, here's what I--
- [line disconnects]

641
00:21:43,959 --> 00:21:45,667
[indistinct chatter]

642
00:21:45,667 --> 00:21:46,291
Ah, just in time.

643
00:21:46,291 --> 00:21:48,041
Get 'em while they're hot.

644
00:21:48,041 --> 00:21:49,625
What's this?

645
00:21:49,625 --> 00:21:50,709
It's Falafel Friday,
didn't you know?

646
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:55,083
No, but clearly there's
so much we don't know.

647
00:21:55,083 --> 00:21:57,375
Anthony Powner Smith.

648
00:21:57,375 --> 00:22:02,792
Anthony bloody-fucking
Powner Smith.

649
00:22:02,792 --> 00:22:03,959
All right, look,

650
00:22:03,959 --> 00:22:05,959
why don't we have this
conversation after the flan?

651
00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:07,709
Uh, don't think so

652
00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:10,458
because there's not gonna be
any "after the flan."

653
00:22:10,458 --> 00:22:11,250
We're done.

654
00:22:11,250 --> 00:22:14,750
[writers gasp and murmur]

655
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:17,208
Oh-okay.
Let-let's just take a step back.

656
00:22:17,208 --> 00:22:19,542
Only if you're
at the edge of a cliff.

657
00:22:19,542 --> 00:22:21,166
[Sean] If I have to spend
one more minute

658
00:22:21,166 --> 00:22:22,834
looking at your--
your-your...

659
00:22:22,834 --> 00:22:24,333
- Smug.
- ...smug...

660
00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:25,583
- Self-satisfied.
- ...self-satisfied...

661
00:22:25,583 --> 00:22:26,792
- Weasel-faced.

662
00:22:26,792 --> 00:22:28,166
- I've got it.
- Oh-okay, okay.

663
00:22:28,166 --> 00:22:30,125
You are nothing but
a humor-deficient poser,

664
00:22:30,125 --> 00:22:32,417
filling in the huge gaps
in your talent

665
00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:34,166
with arrogance and crepes.

666
00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:35,166
Okay, let-let's not--

667
00:22:35,166 --> 00:22:37,375
You are a terrible writer.

668
00:22:37,375 --> 00:22:41,667
Your every instinct
is dead wrong.

669
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:44,542
You're about as funny
as--as--

670
00:22:44,542 --> 00:22:47,583
a tumor in a silly hat.

671
00:22:47,583 --> 00:22:50,792
I'm sorry, I don't normally
believe in public shaming,

672
00:22:50,792 --> 00:22:51,333
but what the hell?

673
00:22:51,333 --> 00:22:53,667
It's Falafel Friday!

674
00:22:54,208 --> 00:22:56,166
What are you doing?

675
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:57,625
Oh, shit, shouldn't.
I--

676
00:22:57,625 --> 00:22:59,125
I don't know
what he's talking--

677
00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:00,792
Oh, great, right.

678
00:23:00,792 --> 00:23:01,709
Now he's doing that thing
where he pretends

679
00:23:01,709 --> 00:23:03,875
he's lost interest
in the conversation.

680
00:23:03,875 --> 00:23:04,709
Well, it didn't work
at university

681
00:23:04,709 --> 00:23:06,041
and it's not going
to fly today.

682
00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:07,792
Hello!

683
00:23:07,792 --> 00:23:09,542
Oh, bollocks!

684
00:23:09,542 --> 00:23:10,917
You know, I've never enjoyed
your cooking more.

685
00:23:10,917 --> 00:23:11,750
- Hey!
- What?

686
00:23:11,750 --> 00:23:14,000
- [gasps]
- Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

687
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,041
That's okay.
They're really light.

688
00:23:16,041 --> 00:23:16,792
That's the egg whites.

689
00:23:16,792 --> 00:23:18,917
All right, so,
there we are.

690
00:23:18,917 --> 00:23:22,208
To the rest of you, I am
so sorry we're abandoning you.

691
00:23:22,208 --> 00:23:24,583
Nobody deserves
this walking nightmare,

692
00:23:24,583 --> 00:23:26,417
except obviously Amanda.

693
00:23:26,417 --> 00:23:28,041
Giving up gluten

694
00:23:28,041 --> 00:23:30,500
is not like you've discovered
a new vaccine

695
00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:31,083
or a new planet.

696
00:23:31,083 --> 00:23:35,208
It's just fucking wheat.

697
00:23:35,208 --> 00:23:37,208
Calm down.

698
00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:38,208
Getting off point.

699
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:39,834
Right.

700
00:23:39,834 --> 00:23:42,166
You know, it breaks my heart
to walk out of here,

701
00:23:42,166 --> 00:23:46,583
because I know this could
have been a really great show.

702
00:23:46,583 --> 00:23:48,959
But I just can't bear
standing by and watching you

703
00:23:48,959 --> 00:23:53,250
ruin it bit by bit.

704
00:23:53,250 --> 00:23:56,041
By the way,
Anthony Powner Smith?

705
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:59,000
We've already built
the fucking set.

706
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:02,834
It's all stairs!

707
00:24:03,917 --> 00:24:05,750
Oh, right.

708
00:24:08,625 --> 00:24:09,542
Hang on.

709
00:24:14,458 --> 00:24:16,959
Good luck getting
your Tupperware back.

710
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,834
You don't even like falafel.

711
00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,417
I know, but these
are really good.

712
00:24:21,417 --> 00:24:24,417
♪♪♪

713
00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:25,959
Have you seen my other sock?

714
00:24:25,959 --> 00:24:27,166
Which one?

715
00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:28,542
The right or the left?

716
00:24:28,542 --> 00:24:33,583
Well, very, very similar
to this one.

717
00:24:33,583 --> 00:24:34,792
Have not seen it.

718
00:24:34,792 --> 00:24:36,500
[both chuckle]

719
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:37,625
[clears throat]

720
00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:41,750
You want some?

721
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:43,291
Ahh.
[chuckles]

722
00:24:43,291 --> 00:24:44,166
[clears throat]

723
00:24:44,166 --> 00:24:47,291
So are you gonna be weird

724
00:24:47,291 --> 00:24:48,125
about last night?

725
00:24:48,125 --> 00:24:50,166
Oh, probably.

726
00:24:50,166 --> 00:24:51,750
[laughs]

727
00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:52,500
You're not?

728
00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:54,166
Nope.
It was perfect.

729
00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:56,834
It was delicious.

730
00:24:56,834 --> 00:24:59,333
It was us.

731
00:24:59,333 --> 00:25:01,834
I know.

732
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:02,625
But--

733
00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:03,959
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.

734
00:25:03,959 --> 00:25:06,000
Shh.
Uh-uh, no buts.

735
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,166
I can't do this again.

736
00:25:09,166 --> 00:25:11,583
There's just
too much history.

737
00:25:11,583 --> 00:25:15,792
Ehh, like old history,
like ancient history,

738
00:25:15,792 --> 00:25:18,000
like there's togas.
[chuckles]

739
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,083
We are in a different place now.

740
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:28,834
Hello.

741
00:25:28,834 --> 00:25:30,959
[chuckles]

742
00:25:30,959 --> 00:25:32,166
I just think right now--

743
00:25:32,166 --> 00:25:33,291
Okay-okay, no-no-no-no.
Got it. Got it.

744
00:25:33,291 --> 00:25:36,083
[chuckles]
I hear you.

745
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:37,166
Not pushing.

746
00:25:37,166 --> 00:25:40,667
Let me just say this.

747
00:25:40,667 --> 00:25:44,166
You know
what I was gonna do last night?

748
00:25:44,166 --> 00:25:45,709
Eat a Lean Cuisine,

749
00:25:45,709 --> 00:25:47,375
and watch, like,
three reruns of Shark Tank,

750
00:25:47,375 --> 00:25:51,000
take an Ambien,
and pass out.

751
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:52,291
And then the phone rang...

752
00:25:52,291 --> 00:25:56,542
...like a fucking miracle.

753
00:25:56,542 --> 00:25:57,792
When I heard your voice,

754
00:25:57,792 --> 00:26:02,208
and you know I don't believe
in any of that fate crap,

755
00:26:02,208 --> 00:26:04,375
but come on.

756
00:26:04,375 --> 00:26:04,834
I'm just saying.

757
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:10,792
[exhales]

758
00:26:10,792 --> 00:26:14,458
But we'll take it slow.

759
00:26:14,458 --> 00:26:17,333
Okay?

760
00:26:17,333 --> 00:26:18,125
I will take it

761
00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:21,291
any way you want

762
00:26:21,291 --> 00:26:23,500
to give it to me.

763
00:26:23,500 --> 00:26:24,875
[laughs]

764
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:26,875
[both chuckle]

765
00:26:26,875 --> 00:26:28,625
[cheers and applause]

766
00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,542
[Matt] So let's get right to it
and see what

767
00:26:29,542 --> 00:26:31,417
our box-mates are up to.

768
00:26:31,417 --> 00:26:32,291
[suspenseful music playing]

769
00:26:32,291 --> 00:26:33,166
Hey, Rafe.

770
00:26:33,166 --> 00:26:35,583
Losing your mind?

771
00:26:35,583 --> 00:26:39,333
I'd rather lose my mime.

772
00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,750
[laughter]

773
00:26:40,750 --> 00:26:42,959
Well, at least it's quiet.
Right, Jessica?

774
00:26:42,959 --> 00:26:45,000
- Quiet would be nice.
- [discordant violin playing]

775
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,750
[laughter]

776
00:26:46,750 --> 00:26:48,875
[Matt] So Rafe, any regrets
about spending all your points

777
00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:50,250
- ...to put Danika...
- Hey.

778
00:26:50,250 --> 00:26:51,792
- [Matt] ...in that sumo suit?
- Hey.

779
00:26:51,792 --> 00:26:53,875
I tried calling last night.
You didn't pick up.

780
00:26:53,875 --> 00:26:54,709
Something was messed up
with my phone.

781
00:26:54,709 --> 00:26:56,333
- Oh.
- I was on with the IT guy

782
00:26:56,333 --> 00:26:58,750
- ...for an hour.
- Ugh.

783
00:26:58,750 --> 00:27:00,417
Three scariest words
in the English language:

784
00:27:00,417 --> 00:27:02,542
"go to settings."

785
00:27:02,542 --> 00:27:04,542
Well, I missed you.

786
00:27:04,542 --> 00:27:07,792
[Matt] Marcel Marceau quiet
you'll want to kill yourself.

787
00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:11,458
Up next, there may be a llama
in Jonathan's future.

788
00:27:11,458 --> 00:27:12,458
[laughter]

789
00:27:12,458 --> 00:27:15,250
We'll find out
right after this.

790
00:27:15,250 --> 00:27:18,250
- [cheers and applause]
- [lively music plays]

791
00:27:19,375 --> 00:27:20,875
And we're out!

792
00:27:20,875 --> 00:27:23,625
[man] Two minutes, everybody!
Two minutes!

793
00:27:23,625 --> 00:27:25,792
Hey, what are you doing here?

794
00:27:25,792 --> 00:27:28,041
Want to do a show?

795
00:27:28,041 --> 00:27:28,792
Seriously?

796
00:27:28,792 --> 00:27:29,917
Sign us up.

797
00:27:29,917 --> 00:27:32,291
Woo-hoo!

798
00:27:32,291 --> 00:27:36,208
[sighs] All right,
but this is the last time.

799
00:27:36,208 --> 00:27:37,250
Ahh!

800
00:27:37,250 --> 00:27:39,166
When can we start?
I got a really good idea.

801
00:27:39,166 --> 00:27:39,709
Really?

802
00:27:39,709 --> 00:27:41,542
Yeah, I'm this guy

803
00:27:41,542 --> 00:27:42,542
who gets killed
in a car accident,

804
00:27:42,542 --> 00:27:45,125
and I come back
as a dog.

805
00:27:45,125 --> 00:27:46,875
Huh?
And my wife adopts me

806
00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:47,917
because she senses
this connection.

807
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:51,083
And I'm living with her
and her new husband.

808
00:27:51,083 --> 00:27:52,375
Okay, now, the audience

809
00:27:52,375 --> 00:27:53,834
sees me as me.

810
00:27:53,834 --> 00:27:56,667
But everyone on the show
sees me as a dog.

811
00:27:56,667 --> 00:27:58,750
And I have to, like...
[laughs]

812
00:27:58,750 --> 00:28:00,583
...crap outside and,

813
00:28:00,583 --> 00:28:02,792
and other dogs are humping me.

814
00:28:02,792 --> 00:28:04,500
Huh?

815
00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:06,875
- Let-let's-let's, let's, uh...
- That could be fun.

816
00:28:06,875 --> 00:28:08,125
- ...think about it, maybe.
- It certainly--

817
00:28:08,125 --> 00:28:08,959
Matt, we're back.

818
00:28:08,959 --> 00:28:10,000
Okay.

819
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:11,750
This is gonna be great.

820
00:28:11,750 --> 00:28:12,834
[smooches]

821
00:28:12,834 --> 00:28:14,750
No, no--no, ah.

822
00:28:14,750 --> 00:28:17,250
Dear God,
what have we done?

823
00:28:21,750 --> 00:28:23,291
[llama grumbles]

824
00:28:24,583 --> 00:28:25,375
[keys clacking]

825
00:28:25,375 --> 00:28:28,375
♪ quirky music ♪

826
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♪♪♪