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♪ ♪
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-Ow. Ow. Ow.
-Ow. Ow. Ow...
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I never thought
Andy would beat me
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in the "leaping off
the bus stop bench" game,
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but that was one hell of a leap.
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I don't know about the "leaping
off the bus stop bench" game.
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Andy almost broke his leg.
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I didn't say
he stuck the landing.
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Wait, Ollie, you didn't
skin your knee.
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He hit my leg with a rock
so I could feel what he feels.
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You're welcome.
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Oh, hello, free mirror
that someone
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carelessly left on the curb
for children to find.
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Okay, how are we smashing this?
Anyone got a bowling ball, or...
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Maybe we could just use it
to make sure we're not vampires?
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And we're not.
Phew.
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Maybe we could point the mirror
up and signal an airplane?
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And then maybe we could
become friends with an airplane.
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What? No. Come on,
it's a mirror made of glass.
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-And glass breaks!
-I think
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Andy's had enough
excitement for one day.
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I need time to recuperate
and center myself. And pee.
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Also, there's the whole
"seven years bad luck" thing.
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Seven years?
That's the amount of time
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Brad Pitt spent in Tibet.
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Louise, why do you always
want to do
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the most dangerous things
all the time?
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Whoa, whoa. Smashing a mirror
is not dangerous.
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It's called fun.
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No? Just me?
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I mean, I think it's great that
you love doing scary stuff
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that makes me shut my eyes
and think
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"when will this be over?"
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Fine.
This doesn't even look like
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a good smashing mirror anyway,
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so I'm just gonna
leave it for the next
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perfectly normal kid
who wants to smash it.
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We'll figure out another way
to be friends with an airplane.
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Hi. I'll take a beer.
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Louise, no.
We-we don't give her beer.
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What's wrong, sweetie?
You have a rough day?
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Is it school? Did you think
something had one answer
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but then it had a different
answer and you were like,
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"What the heck?"
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I'm fine. We just, you know,
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found a perfectly good mirror
to smash on the way home
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and everybody made me
feel weird about it.
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Ooh, I love smashing
a good mirror.
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-Lin.
-Right. Playing with glass
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isn't a good idea.
You could get cut.
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Yeah, you could get cut.
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I thought
that was part of the fun.
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It's just, your fun
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sometimes involves things
that terrify me?
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(grunting, exclaiming)
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What's your point? Look,
if I'm too cool and exciting
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for people, then forget 'em.
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They can just be boring
and do their boring stuff.
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Louise, don't smash mirrors.
Because they don't deserve that.
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I mean, they taunt you
every day, don't they?
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They really do.
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Louise, I guess smashing glass
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can be a little off-putting
to some people, maybe.
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But don't give up on those
people. I mean, you don't want
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to end up like your father.
Without, you know, any friends.
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-What? I have friends.
-No.
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Dad has friends. Teddy...
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I shouldn't have made that sound
like I was gonna have a list.
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People come visit Dad
in the restaurant every day.
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Right, sir?
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-Um...
-Ignore them. Okay,
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first of all,
why is this about me now?
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And second of all,
I have friends that aren't
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paying customers.
I just, you know,
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lost touch with a bunch of them.
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Back when I was a teenager.
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Is it because there were
no telephones back then?
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I'm gonna go in the kitchen.
Where everyone's nice to me.
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I mean, the dishwasher
doesn't like you.
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I know.
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LOUISE:
Dumb super
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smashable mirror.
(scoffs)
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I don't know why people
got so dumb about it.
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Oh. Hey there, spider.
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You're... in my room.
On my loft bed.
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But you know what?
You're kind of
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unconventionally cute.
You would tell me if you were
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super venomous, right?
Yeah, you look like you would.
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I like that about you.
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See? Look at all the friends
I have in here. Jack.
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Who's Jack? Probably
a really good friend.
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Oh, I know who this is.
He dinged our car
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-and never called me back.
-Aw, Jack.
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Okay, this is ridiculous.
I have to have friends I see
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that aren't Teddy and the people
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that buy food from us.
Oh, hey, Cliff.
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Who's Cliff? I don't know Cliff.
It's a good name, though.
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Hey, I'm going out with Cliff.
Back in a jiff. Ha.
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I met him
at a back-to-school night.
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He was trying to organize a
basketball thing for the kids,
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so we exchanged numbers.
I didn't have the heart
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to tell him
our kids don't do stuff.
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Hey, Cliff, don't fall off
yourself. Ha. You can use that.
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He seemed like a person that
I could do activities with.
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-Is that what people say?
-Maybe don't open with that.
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Should I text him?
Is it too late?
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It's never too late for Cliff.
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Okay, I'll do it.
Wait, no, it's too late.
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Oh, God,
I just texted him the letter I.
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-What do I do?
-Okay, gimme the phone.
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(yawns) Hey, Spider,
you're still here.
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And you built a web?
Impressive.
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Borderline showing
off, but I like it.
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Hey, I was thinking,
if we're gonna be roommates,
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I should probably
give you a name.
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How do you feel
about Winona Spider?
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Wait-- Arachnaphoebe.
Phoebe for short.
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You don't really get
excited about things, do you?
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That's all right.
I know it's a great name.
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Morning, sweetie.
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I need to get your
dirty laundry for the wash.
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I don't know about you,
but I'm about to start
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wearing my bathing suit bottoms
for underwear.
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Ooh! Uh, okay. Uh, spider.
We got a spider, people.
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Mom, no, it's okay.
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Th-This is Phoebe.
Phoebe, this is my mom.
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I know this is
a little early to be
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in the meeting-the-parents
phase, but here we are.
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Did you say spider? Here, Linda,
I brought a paper towel.
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Dad, are you making Mom
kill a bug for you again?
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I'm not making her.
We just have our roles.
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I bring a paper towel, and your
mom does everything else.
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He doesn't like to get his
hands dirty. Like a mob boss.
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Hey, the spider's with me.
We're friends.
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It has a name. Arachnaphoebe.
Phoebe for short.
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But never Pheebs.
She hates that.
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Now, can you holster
the paper towel, please?
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Louise, we don't have
anything against Phoebe.
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I'm sure she's great,
but she's a spider
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and they belong outside.
Not in our home. Where we live.
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Yeah, and if they come
inside our home or restaurant,
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then we kill them.
Lovingly. That's the contract
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that we all agreed to.
Mostly us, not the bugs.
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What about relocation?
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-I hear outside is nice.
-Yeah, okay.
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Uh, Louise, you want to tell her
she doesn't have to go home
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but she can't stay here?
Go get a cup.
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A bottle of wine would be
a nice send-off gesture.
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She's fine right here, people.
You're the ones who
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came in here uninvited. I'm
not trapping you under a cup.
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Sorry, kid. It's either
outside or one-way ticket
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to paper towel town.
Your choice.
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And then I need
everyone's laundry.
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Also, everyone feel free
to learn how to do laundry.
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Ugh. Okay, Phoebe.
Pack your stuff.
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You're too good
for this place anyway.
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And maybe she could tell
other spiders not to come here?
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-In-in a nice way.
-No.
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-Okay.
-(phone dings)
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Oh, it's Cliff.
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He-he texted me back.
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Cliff? That big red dog?
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-He has your number?
-That's the guy your dad's
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-trying to be friends with.
-I mean, we're already friends.
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Kind of. I was gonna ask him
if he wants to hang out.
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Wait, you're asking a guy out?
To prom? Dad prom?
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What's the theme
this year-- khakis?
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It's not dad prom.
It's casual, and also,
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I'm getting pretty good
at texting.
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I just make sure your mother
looks at all of them first.
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Mom, you want to run them by me?
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And then Tina
can run them by me
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and then I'll run them
up through corporate.
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Okay, Phoebe.
Out into the world
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you go to seek your fortune.
Try to avoid
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the cars and all the bikes
and people's feet.
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God, do people
always walk so hard?
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Okay, you know, let's go look
in other neighborhoods.
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I mean, yes,
it's our stinky dumpster,
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but at least
you won't get trampled.
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Spiders can't die of smell,
can they?
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I mean, if so,
I'm sure our house
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would have killed you already.
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All right. So long, Phoebe.
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And hey, don't let anybody
tell you spiders are bad.
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I think you're delightful.
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Well, I'll let you get going.
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Goodbye.
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Go on, Phoebe. Get.
You got to find cover, pal.
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You can't just hang out there,
a bird could get you.
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Or... I don't know
what eats spiders.
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A spider monkey?
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Don't look at me like that.
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What?
What do you want me to do?
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(sighs)
Okay. New plan.
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We're gonna sneak back
into the house.
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And no one
needs to know, because
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this is just
a me-and-you thing.
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We're gonna stick together.
(chuckles) Stick.
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It's funny because
you're a spider
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and you make the sticky stuff.
Look, Phoebe,
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if we're gonna be friends,
you're gonna
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have to start
laughing at my jokes.
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Okay, Phoebe. I know
it's not what you're used to,
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being stuck in a box,
but I need to keep this
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living arrangement under wraps
because of the whole
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"spiders aren't supposed
to be in the house" thing.
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Also, I hope the twigs
are to your liking.
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I picked out the ones that
looked the best for climbing
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or just casual lounging.
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Are you hungry?
You look hungry.
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I'll get you something to eat.
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00:08:00,038 --> 00:08:01,980
But what do you eat?
Do you like chips?
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00:08:02,131 --> 00:08:04,465
Everyone likes chips.
Fine, I'll look it up.
215
00:08:04,559 --> 00:08:05,725
Don't yell at me.
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Okay, a little secret
online spider research
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while everyone's
down in the restaurant. Hmm.
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"House spiders, like many
spiders, prefer live prey"?
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Okay. No judgement.
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I'll just look for the prey
that have it coming.
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Would you guys want to go
to my menu-wiping seminar
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called "It's Men-You,
Not Men-Me"?
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-Oh.
-Yes.
-No.
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Okay, uh, taking out the trash.
225
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Totally normal part of my job.
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Someone's on the ball today.
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Kinda jealous I didn't
get to do it first.
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Louise, hold on a sec.
That bag's half empty.
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Some people might think that,
Mom. But I'm an optimist.
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So, to me, it's half full.
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Of dreams and rotten food.
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00:08:42,672 --> 00:08:44,505
And we don't want it
to attract bugs, do we?
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(stilted laughing)
Okay, anyways, don't wait up.
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-All right.
-(phone dings)
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It's Cliff. He said he'd love
to hang out sometime.
236
00:08:52,849 --> 00:08:54,424
Ooh, he likes you.
237
00:08:54,442 --> 00:08:56,034
Did you tell him
the Cliff joke I told you?
238
00:08:56,185 --> 00:08:58,537
Tell him you're busy. Then say,
"I'll check my schedule
239
00:08:58,688 --> 00:09:00,113
and try to make it work.
No promises, though."
240
00:09:00,265 --> 00:09:02,207
Or tell him you're gonna
pick him up on your motorcycle
241
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:04,768
in five, then get your ass
a motorcycle!
242
00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:07,270
Look at you,
middle-aged buddies.
243
00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:08,880
You two gonna
talk about documentaries
244
00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:11,049
and how many times
you get up at night to pee?
245
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,217
-(chuckles)
-(phone dings)
246
00:09:12,444 --> 00:09:14,110
Oh. Cliff just
added me to a group chat
247
00:09:14,203 --> 00:09:15,703
with some other dads
from school
248
00:09:15,797 --> 00:09:17,447
that hang out together
sometimes.
249
00:09:17,465 --> 00:09:19,040
-(phone dinging)
-Wow, he moves fast.
250
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,800
Two of the guys
just welcomed me to the chat.
251
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,803
Thanks. Hi, guys.
252
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,288
Someone's the belle of the ball.
253
00:09:25,307 --> 00:09:26,881
(chuckles)
One of them just wrote,
254
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,142
"Just a bunch of dads
to the bone."
255
00:09:29,294 --> 00:09:31,069
I'm gonna write something
funny back.
256
00:09:31,296 --> 00:09:34,480
Um, Dad Boys II.
Like the movie?
257
00:09:34,633 --> 00:09:36,074
-Oh, God, can I delete?
-(phone dings)
258
00:09:36,301 --> 00:09:37,634
Oh, no, wait,
one of them laughed.
259
00:09:37,803 --> 00:09:39,244
-Oh, thank God.
-(phone dinging)
-(entry bells jingle)
260
00:09:39,471 --> 00:09:40,895
Whoa, someone's
getting some texts.
261
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,415
Dad's in a group chat with
Cliff and some other cute boys.
262
00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:45,733
I mean, they may be cute,
we don't know. And they're men.
263
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,494
Bob's on a group chat with
people? Like, friend people?
264
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:50,422
That's great.
That's nice, that's great.
265
00:09:50,573 --> 00:09:52,573
Bob's trying to make a friend
that's not a customer.
266
00:09:52,593 --> 00:09:55,743
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Customers
can be friends. Best friends.
267
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,670
But hey, you want me to stop
coming in here to eat?
268
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,339
Is that what you want?
I'll stop.
269
00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:00,673
If that's what it takes
for our friendship.
270
00:10:00,826 --> 00:10:02,659
Just make me, like,
200 burgers and I'll never
271
00:10:02,752 --> 00:10:05,252
step in here again.
Unless it's in disguise.
272
00:10:05,347 --> 00:10:06,996
It's okay, Teddy.
We're-we're friends.
273
00:10:07,165 --> 00:10:09,423
Huh, what's taking Louise
so long with the trash?
274
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,276
Tina, Gene, you want
to check on your sister?
275
00:10:11,427 --> 00:10:13,094
Okay. Hopefully,
she didn't accidentally
276
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,446
fall in the dumpster
while throwing the trash out,
277
00:10:14,597 --> 00:10:16,615
which has never,
ever happened to me.
278
00:10:16,842 --> 00:10:19,008
-(phone continues dinging)
-Maybe switch it
to vibrate, Bob?
279
00:10:19,027 --> 00:10:20,768
Just kinda rubbing it in, eh?
280
00:10:20,862 --> 00:10:23,179
Ugh. Come on, flies.
Let me catch you.
281
00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:25,198
I'm totally not gonna
feed you to my spider.
282
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,200
-Louise, what are you doing?
-Oh! Nothing.
283
00:10:27,352 --> 00:10:29,110
Just, uh, throwing out
the trash.
284
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,187
And, uh, trying to catch flies
and put them
285
00:10:31,206 --> 00:10:32,947
in this Tupperware thing,
because
286
00:10:33,041 --> 00:10:35,358
that's always been
a hobby of mine.
287
00:10:35,377 --> 00:10:37,802
Okay, listen.
I didn't let Phoebe go.
288
00:10:37,954 --> 00:10:39,545
I hid her in a shoebox
in my room and now
289
00:10:39,698 --> 00:10:42,031
I got to feed her since
she can't catch her own food.
290
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:43,383
Who rescued who, am I right?
291
00:10:43,535 --> 00:10:46,127
Yeah, so, uh, if you help me
catch some bugs,
292
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,312
I'll let you watch
me feed her.
293
00:10:47,463 --> 00:10:48,963
-'Cause she eats live bugs.
-(gags)
294
00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:51,708
I mean, she doesn't
eat live bugs. She does.
295
00:10:51,726 --> 00:10:53,710
-(gags)
-Come on, if you guys
296
00:10:53,728 --> 00:10:55,545
had a secret spider,
I'd help you feed it.
297
00:10:55,638 --> 00:10:57,547
Didn't we always
promise each other that?
298
00:10:57,565 --> 00:10:59,399
I thought it was a secret alien
robot agreement.
299
00:10:59,551 --> 00:11:01,718
I guess that was very specific
to The Iron Giant.
300
00:11:01,811 --> 00:11:03,161
(sighs)
I guess I'll help.
301
00:11:03,312 --> 00:11:05,997
Me too. Flies usually
land on me, eventually.
302
00:11:06,074 --> 00:11:07,648
Hey, Phoebe.
How's it hanging?
303
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:11,169
You know, like hanging from
your web? Little spider humor.
304
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,912
So, Gene and Tina are here.
305
00:11:12,989 --> 00:11:14,339
-Hi.
-Hello there.
306
00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:15,732
LOUISE:
We caught you
some flies for dinner.
307
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:18,159
-Tina, want to do the honors?
-Uh, not really?
308
00:11:18,253 --> 00:11:19,493
Also, I don't know
how we're gonna get them
309
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,404
out of the container
without them flying away.
310
00:11:21,423 --> 00:11:23,348
Tell them they won a free night
in a fancy shoebox resort.
311
00:11:23,499 --> 00:11:25,517
But they have to listen to a
presentation about a time-share.
312
00:11:25,744 --> 00:11:27,835
I think we just shake
the container and dump them in.
313
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:29,095
I'll do it.
314
00:11:29,247 --> 00:11:32,023
Shake, shake, shake.
And bon appétit.
315
00:11:32,175 --> 00:11:34,675
Oh, it looks like she's
wrapping it in a little blanket
316
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,511
to keep it warm.
And, oh, she's giving it a kiss.
317
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:40,347
-Nope. (gags)
-Does this make us
accomplices to murder?
318
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,942
Now I'll never be able
to run for Congress!
319
00:11:43,094 --> 00:11:44,260
(phone dings)
320
00:11:44,353 --> 00:11:45,895
You've been getting
so many text messages
321
00:11:45,897 --> 00:11:47,354
your little phone's
gonna be sore.
322
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:49,207
(sighs) I feel like this
is more than I talk to, like,
323
00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:51,692
you guys. But I don't
want to go silent, right?
324
00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:55,046
I'm just gonna say "ha-ha"
and hope that works.
325
00:11:55,273 --> 00:11:56,956
-(phone dings)
-Oh. Teddy's texting me.
326
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,442
He won't be in tomorrow
for lunch because he bought
327
00:11:59,535 --> 00:12:01,535
a bunch of sandwich stuff
and he's gonna
328
00:12:01,613 --> 00:12:03,963
"try this
making sandwiches thing."
329
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,056
He's not gonna
get it right away,
330
00:12:05,283 --> 00:12:06,466
but tell him to stick with it.
331
00:12:06,542 --> 00:12:07,892
-(phone dings)
-Hey. Cliff just invited me
332
00:12:08,044 --> 00:12:09,285
to hang out
with them tonight.
333
00:12:09,304 --> 00:12:10,562
Whoa. That's short notice,
but I think
334
00:12:10,713 --> 00:12:12,213
-I can get you ready.
-(buzzing in distance)
335
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,473
Okay, there's the dryer.
Laundry's done.
336
00:12:13,567 --> 00:12:15,567
Everyone's gets
getting clean sheets tonight.
337
00:12:15,794 --> 00:12:17,310
Won't that be weird? Louise,
I'm gonna start in your room
338
00:12:17,462 --> 00:12:20,071
and you get to help because
of your wonderful loft bed.
339
00:12:20,223 --> 00:12:22,298
That makes
changing sheets so easy.
340
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,317
No, no, no, no, no,
don't go in there. Uh...
341
00:12:24,469 --> 00:12:27,320
I can do it. I want to do it.
I should learn,
342
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,805
in case you and Dad die.
343
00:12:28,898 --> 00:12:30,582
Which you will,
I assume, one day.
344
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:32,992
Never! We'll get them
to start taking echinacea
345
00:12:33,144 --> 00:12:34,327
and they'll live forever.
346
00:12:34,479 --> 00:12:37,647
Okay, yup...
No, that's not working.
347
00:12:37,740 --> 00:12:39,257
What about...
Nah. Nope.
348
00:12:39,484 --> 00:12:41,334
Yeah. (scoffs)
I'm not doing this.
349
00:12:41,486 --> 00:12:44,153
It'll be fine.
Who needs sheets? Okay,
350
00:12:44,322 --> 00:12:46,431
goodnight, Phoebe...
Oh, no. No, no, no.
351
00:12:46,658 --> 00:12:48,767
Where'd she go? Where'd
she go, where'd she go?
352
00:12:48,994 --> 00:12:51,561
-Uh-oh. Phoebe's missing?
-Smart money says
the flies did it.
353
00:12:56,092 --> 00:12:57,667
Ugh, Phoebe.
Why didn't you stay in the box?
354
00:12:57,685 --> 00:13:00,336
You mean the shoebox
you trapped a wild spider in?
355
00:13:00,429 --> 00:13:02,113
-Yeah, I don't know.
-What's Phoebe's problem?
356
00:13:02,265 --> 00:13:03,782
That's one of the top three
boxes we have.
357
00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:05,784
Okay, she has a belly full of
flies, so she can't be moving
358
00:13:05,935 --> 00:13:08,602
too fast. Hopefully she hasn't
made it to the living room,
359
00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:10,622
'cause Mom and Dad are in there
watching that show
360
00:13:10,773 --> 00:13:12,682
about England.
I think it's called Queen Time.
361
00:13:12,775 --> 00:13:14,292
Yeah, seems like Dad's stalling.
362
00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:15,776
He's nervous about his dad date.
363
00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,353
Of course he's nervous.
It's Cliff.
364
00:13:17,446 --> 00:13:19,297
Okay, she's not in here.
Fan out.
365
00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:21,299
Gene, you go that way.
Tina, you go that way.
366
00:13:21,526 --> 00:13:23,284
I'll go this way.
Watch your step.
367
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,136
And if you see her,
let's have a signal.
368
00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:27,030
Say "along came a hmm-hmm."
369
00:13:27,198 --> 00:13:28,698
Ding-dong?
Oh, right. Spider.
370
00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:31,309
So, are you, uh, going out
tonight or what? Or no?
371
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:32,977
Yeah.
I'll-I'll probably go.
372
00:13:33,204 --> 00:13:35,538
They're-they're out, at a place,
so they're already there.
373
00:13:35,557 --> 00:13:39,392
I can just show up late,
you know? Or-or really late.
374
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,727
Yeah, I'm just gearing up to,
you know, put shoes on
375
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:44,881
and then I'll pick an outfit.
It's part of my process.
376
00:13:44,899 --> 00:13:46,324
Of hanging out.
With-with friends.
377
00:13:46,475 --> 00:13:47,826
Yeah, sounds like
you do it a lot.
378
00:13:47,977 --> 00:13:49,643
And I think it's fine
you didn't shower.
379
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,737
What? (sniffs)
Oh. Oh, boy.
380
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,481
Yeah, it doesn't matter. They're
dads. They probably smell, too.
381
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,059
Maybe it'll be
a nice icebreaker.
382
00:13:56,152 --> 00:13:57,836
(sniffs)
This one smells really bad.
383
00:13:57,987 --> 00:13:59,504
(sniffs) This one's okay.
384
00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,747
Maybe I can just angle my body
this way all night?
385
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:03,341
-You can start that now.
-Mm.
386
00:14:03,492 --> 00:14:05,492
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm used to it.
387
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,253
I just try
not to breathe so much.
388
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,739
Ugh. So, we didn't
find her. That means
389
00:14:09,757 --> 00:14:12,183
she's either in the living room
or in Mom and Dad's room.
390
00:14:12,335 --> 00:14:14,168
You guys got to get
Mom and Dad out of there
391
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,912
so I can look for her.
Tina, you take Mom.
392
00:14:16,005 --> 00:14:19,006
Gene, you take Dad. Get 'em into
your rooms and keep 'em there.
393
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:20,859
Uh, okay. I can do that.
No problem.
394
00:14:21,086 --> 00:14:24,529
I'll just tell Mom
we're looking for a spider?
395
00:14:24,756 --> 00:14:26,923
No, no. Don't tell her that.
Tell her anything but that.
396
00:14:26,941 --> 00:14:28,515
Right, right. Sorry.
397
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,368
I'll tell Dad I want
to have "the talk" with him.
398
00:14:30,519 --> 00:14:32,261
The talk about
my ingrown toenail
399
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,872
and just toe health in general.
400
00:14:34,023 --> 00:14:37,283
Wow, you agreed to come in here
and talk to me really fast.
401
00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:38,935
Well, it's not because I don't
want to go out
402
00:14:39,028 --> 00:14:41,528
with the other dads,
because I definitely do.
403
00:14:41,606 --> 00:14:42,547
Okay, good to know.
404
00:14:42,698 --> 00:14:44,716
So, w-what did you
want to talk about?
405
00:14:44,943 --> 00:14:48,535
Um, how do you feel
about ingrown toenails?
406
00:14:48,630 --> 00:14:50,279
I mean, I have them.
407
00:14:50,298 --> 00:14:52,298
Okay, follow-up question:
408
00:14:52,450 --> 00:14:53,633
-what should we talk about next?
-(phone dings)
409
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:56,377
(sighs) Uh, I guess
I've put this off long enough.
410
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,379
They're waiting for me
at the bar.
411
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,290
You sound really into it.
I'm excited to grow up.
412
00:15:01,309 --> 00:15:03,643
-I better go get dressed.
-In your room? No!
413
00:15:03,795 --> 00:15:06,237
Uh, I mean, you want to borrow
something of mine?
414
00:15:06,464 --> 00:15:08,055
What kind of look
are you going for--
415
00:15:08,149 --> 00:15:10,241
Bahama Tommy
or rhinestone cowboy?
416
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,443
Oh. I-I wasn't
thinking about a look.
417
00:15:12,670 --> 00:15:15,246
I was just gonna put on shoes
and maybe change my shirt.
418
00:15:15,473 --> 00:15:18,658
Your mother said things that
make me think I should change.
419
00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:21,811
No! Don't change your shirt.
Let me smell. (sniffs)
420
00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:24,589
Ooh, that's bold. It's like
your sweat started sweating.
421
00:15:24,782 --> 00:15:26,315
Ugh, no spider.
422
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:29,093
All right. Mom and Dad's room.
Maybe Phoebe likes
423
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,578
middle-aged bras
and dandruff all over the place.
424
00:15:31,673 --> 00:15:34,265
So I'm happy we moved over
here to talk about stuff.
425
00:15:34,492 --> 00:15:36,083
Leaning against the bookshelf
was a weird idea,
426
00:15:36,177 --> 00:15:37,769
but it was good we tried.
427
00:15:37,996 --> 00:15:39,162
Yeah, I like to try things.
428
00:15:39,180 --> 00:15:42,331
So, uh, how, uh, was your day?
429
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:44,350
Eh, it was good.
Although I did have a sneeze
430
00:15:44,502 --> 00:15:46,427
where I farted a little,
and I think a customer heard.
431
00:15:46,521 --> 00:15:48,947
Wow, let's talk about that.
What happened next?
432
00:15:49,098 --> 00:15:50,840
Tina, honey,
didn't you have something
433
00:15:50,858 --> 00:15:52,008
you wanted to talk about?
434
00:15:52,026 --> 00:15:53,434
No, this seems
much more important now.
435
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,861
So, uh, you talk.
More. Please.
436
00:15:56,014 --> 00:15:58,439
Okay. Well, I farted.
437
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,515
Uh-huh.
438
00:15:59,701 --> 00:16:01,350
And I-I tried to
cover it up with a cough,
439
00:16:01,369 --> 00:16:03,628
-but that made me fart again.
-Then what did you do?
440
00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:06,689
I looked over to see if she was
looking at me, and-and she was.
441
00:16:06,691 --> 00:16:09,634
(gasps) Didn't see that coming.
(weak chuckle) Keep-keep going.
442
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:12,453
So, I grabbed the trash can and
I started dragging it around
443
00:16:12,547 --> 00:16:14,955
on the floor so it'd make a
fart sound, so she'd think
444
00:16:15,049 --> 00:16:17,216
it was the trash can and not me.
But it wouldn't make
445
00:16:17,368 --> 00:16:19,143
the right sound,
so I had to fart again
446
00:16:19,220 --> 00:16:20,627
and then blame it
on the trash can.
447
00:16:20,722 --> 00:16:21,628
That's so smart.
448
00:16:21,797 --> 00:16:23,556
Okay, enough about me.
Your turn.
449
00:16:23,708 --> 00:16:25,650
I don't even know
if I can follow that.
450
00:16:25,877 --> 00:16:29,562
Um, should we take a few more
minutes to unpack your story?
451
00:16:29,714 --> 00:16:33,549
So, there you were, farting and
dragging a trash can around...
452
00:16:33,568 --> 00:16:36,477
Ugh, I give up.
Wherever you are Phoebe,
453
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:40,665
I hope there are plenty of bugs
for you to murder.
454
00:16:41,726 --> 00:16:43,668
No way.
Phoebe! I found you!
455
00:16:43,895 --> 00:16:45,061
BOB:
Wait, Phoebe?
456
00:16:45,154 --> 00:16:47,246
-Phoebe the spider?
-Oh, hi, Dad.
457
00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:50,717
No, Phoebe from Friends.
I see her everywhere.
458
00:16:50,826 --> 00:16:52,084
-Louise.
-(sighs)
459
00:16:52,237 --> 00:16:54,870
Okay, fine. I kind of
didn't take her outside
460
00:16:54,922 --> 00:16:56,997
and she's been
living in my room in a box.
461
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,574
Until now.
Now she's living
462
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,501
-in your bed.
-Oh, my God.
-LINDA: What?
463
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,912
-What's going on?
-Louise's spider is living
in our headboard.
464
00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:04,080
Who, Phoebe?
465
00:17:04,098 --> 00:17:06,173
-Louise, Mom... is here.
Hi, Mom.
466
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,841
Dad, why won't you let me
brush your back?
467
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,252
The other dads will love it.
468
00:17:09,270 --> 00:17:11,303
Any chance you guys
enjoy sleeping with spiders
469
00:17:11,455 --> 00:17:14,181
over your head? No? Okay.
Phoebe,
470
00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:16,275
Charlotte's Web time.
Spell something fun.
471
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,018
"Terrific parents."
Go.
472
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,163
Give her a second.
473
00:17:24,527 --> 00:17:26,044
Louise, why didn't you take
Phoebe outside yesterday?
474
00:17:26,237 --> 00:17:28,713
I tried, but it wasn't safe
out there. I couldn't do it.
475
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:32,199
The world's too dangerous for
a fresh-faced kid like Phoebe.
476
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:33,626
She's not ready
for the bright lights.
477
00:17:33,778 --> 00:17:35,035
She will be. One day.
478
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,721
Louise, sweetie, we're gonna
have to get the spider
479
00:17:36,948 --> 00:17:40,116
out of there somehow. It might
be nice or it might not be nice,
480
00:17:40,134 --> 00:17:42,134
but we got to do it.
I'm sorry, baby.
481
00:17:42,287 --> 00:17:44,395
No, no, no, no. It's okay.
I'll-I'll do it. I-I got it.
482
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,213
It's fine.
I'll get her out of there.
483
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,881
And I'll take her back
to her box,
484
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:49,475
and we'll all be happy
and we'll eat live flies--
485
00:17:49,627 --> 00:17:51,903
some of us-- and we'll be
this cool blended family
486
00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:53,296
that everybody's jealous of.
487
00:17:53,464 --> 00:17:56,890
Come on, Phoebe. Ugh!
I can't get her.
488
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,151
Oh, we're gonna get her.
Because I sleep
489
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,486
right under there, Louise.
490
00:18:00,638 --> 00:18:02,305
And I know you like her,
but I don't like her
491
00:18:02,398 --> 00:18:03,730
as much as you do.
And I don't want her
492
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,084
to crawl on my face
or go into my mouth.
493
00:18:06,311 --> 00:18:09,161
Or ears, nose, throat--
all the openings.
494
00:18:09,314 --> 00:18:10,588
-That's not all of them.
-Gene.
495
00:18:10,815 --> 00:18:13,649
Okay, uh, what if you guys
just sleep in my room with me
496
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,242
and this is Phoebe's room now?
497
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:17,336
I'd be open to roommates.
We could split the utilities.
498
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,688
I'm sorry, sweetie,
that's not gonna work.
499
00:18:19,748 --> 00:18:22,600
It's not fair. Everyone thinks
Phoebe is this scary spider.
500
00:18:22,751 --> 00:18:26,437
And, yeah, maybe she's a little
dangerous, but not much.
501
00:18:26,589 --> 00:18:29,273
She's just trying to live
her life. But that doesn't
502
00:18:29,425 --> 00:18:34,186
make her weird or bad.
Does it? I mean, does it?
503
00:18:34,339 --> 00:18:35,446
Are we still talking
about Phoebe?
504
00:18:35,673 --> 00:18:37,857
-I can't tell.
-Louise, are we possibly
505
00:18:38,009 --> 00:18:39,375
talking about you now?
506
00:18:39,377 --> 00:18:41,360
What? I don't know.
Maybe.
507
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,287
Oh, honey.
Come here. Come on.
508
00:18:43,439 --> 00:18:45,606
You know all that
so-called dangerous stuff?
509
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,941
That's a part of who you are.
But don't let anyone
510
00:18:48,152 --> 00:18:49,293
make you feel like
it's all you are.
511
00:18:49,445 --> 00:18:53,113
You're also thoughtful
and kind and imaginative.
512
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,373
Part of the big, crazy mix that
513
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:56,634
-makes Louise Louise.
-Your mom's right.
514
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,804
You are a little bit of a risk
taker, maybe, compared to some,
515
00:18:59,955 --> 00:19:02,306
but it's one of the things
that makes you interesting.
516
00:19:02,533 --> 00:19:04,049
And it's not like
it's hurting anyone.
517
00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:05,459
I mean, you know,
every once in a while,
518
00:19:05,553 --> 00:19:08,053
but probably not on purpose.
That much.
519
00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:09,555
Right. But, Louise,
520
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,983
you're adventurous,
and in another time,
521
00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:15,153
you might have been
a-a, uh, a pirate.
522
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,730
Uh, a nice pirate.
Or a fun bootlegger.
523
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,064
Ooh, bootlegger.
524
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,642
Anyway, we're all glad
you are who you are.
525
00:19:21,736 --> 00:19:23,552
Well, that's...
Thanks, guys.
526
00:19:23,571 --> 00:19:26,071
I like the pirate part.
That was a nice touch.
527
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,407
So, what should we do
about Phoebe?
528
00:19:28,559 --> 00:19:30,242
Please let this work.
Please let this work.
529
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,894
-Please let this work.
-LOUISE: Got her!
530
00:19:32,063 --> 00:19:33,396
-Oh!
-Oh, thank God.
-TINA and GENE: Yay!
531
00:19:33,414 --> 00:19:35,064
Aw, Bob. It's late.
Are your dad friends
532
00:19:35,082 --> 00:19:36,507
still waiting for you?
533
00:19:36,659 --> 00:19:39,993
Eh, it's fine. I'd rather be
doing this. Honestly, you guys
534
00:19:40,087 --> 00:19:42,847
are the only people I really
like to hang out with.
535
00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:44,256
Don't tell Teddy I said that.
536
00:19:44,409 --> 00:19:47,501
So, we're your only friends.
Which is not sad at all.
537
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,246
But, like, who's your best
friend? Don't say Mom.
538
00:19:50,264 --> 00:19:51,597
You're all equal.
But Phoebe the least.
539
00:19:51,749 --> 00:19:54,099
But just because
I don't know her that well.
540
00:19:54,252 --> 00:19:55,584
Okay, Phoebe and I
are going to bed.
541
00:19:55,678 --> 00:19:58,587
-We'll see you all
upon the morrow.
-Louise.
542
00:19:58,681 --> 00:20:00,531
Not that your box isn't really
nice with all the twigs
543
00:20:00,608 --> 00:20:03,108
and stuff, but I don't think
Phoebe likes it in there.
544
00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:04,593
She did escape.
545
00:20:04,612 --> 00:20:06,929
We've been through this.
I'm not taking her outside.
546
00:20:06,948 --> 00:20:09,207
She's a house spider.
I looked it up.
547
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,242
They gave themselves
that name for a reason.
548
00:20:11,394 --> 00:20:14,119
I-I think I know a place
where she'll be happy.
549
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:15,546
This is a great idea.
550
00:20:15,773 --> 00:20:17,606
She's gonna eat
so many flies for you, Dad.
551
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:21,052
Yup. I'm really, really glad
that we'll be working together.
552
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:23,370
She's not family,
so you might have to pay her.
553
00:20:23,464 --> 00:20:24,780
And I'm kind of taking care
of her finances
554
00:20:24,799 --> 00:20:27,616
while she gets on her feet.
So, you can pay me.
555
00:20:27,635 --> 00:20:30,119
-Yeah sure, okay,
we'll talk about that.
-(phone dings)
556
00:20:30,212 --> 00:20:31,787
Oh, it's Teddy.
557
00:20:31,806 --> 00:20:34,673
He says, "I'm sorry.
The sandwich was a disaster."
558
00:20:34,825 --> 00:20:37,460
There was blood everywhere.
It's okay now, but, uh,
559
00:20:37,553 --> 00:20:39,795
I'm gonna come into
the restaurant tomorrow.
560
00:20:39,814 --> 00:20:41,572
It's just easier to hang out
at the restaurant because
561
00:20:41,799 --> 00:20:44,558
that's where you work.
And it's where I eat.
562
00:20:44,635 --> 00:20:47,745
I know it's late but,
I-I need you to text me back.
563
00:20:47,972 --> 00:20:50,623
Tonight. Now.
And send.
564
00:20:52,827 --> 00:20:54,067
(phone dings)
565
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,921
"Sounds good."
Yes! We're back, baby!
566
00:20:57,148 --> 00:20:59,072
Ow. Ow. Oh, boy,
that's bleeding again.
567
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:02,318
♪ Me and my spider,
I'm stronger beside her ♪
568
00:21:02,336 --> 00:21:05,763
♪ Just can't deny that
we're two of a kind ♪
569
00:21:05,914 --> 00:21:09,174
♪ The world doesn't get us,
it tries to correct us ♪
570
00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:12,937
♪ But that's okay because
we'll leave it behind ♪
571
00:21:13,164 --> 00:21:14,680
♪ You've caught me in your web ♪
572
00:21:14,832 --> 00:21:19,668
♪ And there's no word
that can describe ♪
573
00:21:19,687 --> 00:21:24,840
♪ The feeling when
I look in all your eyes ♪
574
00:21:24,859 --> 00:21:26,450
♪ Little Phoebe ♪
575
00:21:26,677 --> 00:21:30,121
♪ I want to spend my life
catching your flies. ♪
576
00:21:30,272 --> 00:21:32,290
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
577
00:21:32,517 --> 00:21:34,500
and TOYOTA.