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♪
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TINA:
Uh...
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Did someone switch Tina
to white noise?
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Tina, sweetie, why are you
making your sad mumble grumbles?
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I'm just nervous
about the oral report
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I have to give in class today.
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For Wagstaff
75th Anniversary Week.
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Ooh, right!
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The 75th anniversary thing.
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That school's
getting up there, huh?
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Yeah, it looks much younger,
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but it had a lot of work done.
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-Boob job.
-BOB: Mm.
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Our class had to make posters
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for the anniversary assembly.
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Also, breaking news--
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fourth graders don't know
how to spell "anniversary."
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Well, Tina,
I'm sure you'll do great,
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even though sometimes you get
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a debilitating fear
of public speaking.
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Sorry, pretend
I didn't say that last part.
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It's not just that.
This is a speech with a partner.
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Zeke and I are doing
a report together.
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Wait.
Why is having a partner bad?
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(sighs)
I kind of have a reputation
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when it comes to doing
oral reports with partners.
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They call her "the cooler."
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She'll take your perfectly good
oral presentation
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and throw a bunch
of cold sweat on it.
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They also call her the cooler
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because you can sit on her
at the beach.
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I just don't want to let
my partner down, so
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I get all nervous and sweaty
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and I mess up
my note cards and...
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(hacks)
...my mouth gets all phlegmy,
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(thickly): like right now,
'cause I'm thinking about it.
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Okay, calm down.
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You know, maybe just picture
everyone with a giant booger
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that's trapped
in their nose hairs
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and they look ridiculous.
Speaking of...
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-Bob. Nose hairs.
-Oh.
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Uh, well, I gotta go.
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Not because I had a booger
in my nose.
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I'm gonna go to
the Tuesday farmers market
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in Bog Harbor for produce.
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That's what Dad says
when he goes to his mistress.
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Tina, I'm sorry about
the sweat stuff.
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Y-You get that from me.
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Sometimes I put rolled up
socks under my arms.
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No wonder this guy's
got a mistress.
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ZEKE:
Hey, partner!
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I'm real excited
about our report today.
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Hey, Zeke. Uh, yup!
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I mean, I'm not nervous
or anything. I-I feel great.
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Tell that to your pits.
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Ah!
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Anyone have an extra pair
of socks I can borrow?
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For... no reason?
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I have extra socks,
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but I'm wearing them
over my other socks.
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Why do you have
all those clothes on?
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Jocelyn and I are doing our
Wagstaff Anniversary report
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on what popular people wore,
past and present.
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We're gonna take off layers
to reveal popular people clothes
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from different decades.
Yes, you're jealous.
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Who's jealous?
Oh, them.
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-(school bell ringing)
-See ya later, Tina!
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We got this, right?
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Yeah, totally, thumbs up!
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Oh, God. (panting)
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Tina. Are you okay?
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Yeah, really great.
(panting)
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Okay, I think I know
what's going on.
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Let's go to my office.
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This seems like a situation
for the Anxiety Society.
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So, Panicky Paul,
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Nervous Nellie, and Worry Murray
have all experienced
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what you're experiencing.
Isn't that nice?
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It's just-- I have to give
an oral report with Zeke...
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-(phone chimes)
-(stammering)
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I just got a text.
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Oh, my God,
it's from Cassie.
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She's a person I'm dating.
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Twice.
We went on two dates.
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Um, okay...
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(giddy laugh)
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Cassie had a nice time
last night.
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What do I write back?
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Maybe... say you had
a nice time, too?
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Ooh, that's good!
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Uh... Okay, Tina, back to you.
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Did the dolls work, or...
what are we doing?
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Uh... A little?
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Uh-huh, uh-huh.
See this crystal?
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Cassie gave it to me.
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That's... nice.
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She says it brings
good energy
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to whoever is
in possession of it.
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I-I think that's how she put it.
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Are you saying
maybe it could help me?
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What?
Oh, because of your thing?
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With the nervousness?
Maybe.
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I mean, Cassie's so pretty.
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And her car was so clean.
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So, maybe she's right...
about crystals.
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So, yeah,
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go ahead and borrow it.
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Okay. I mean,
I guess it can't hurt.
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Unless it's sharp.
Ow.
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That part's a little sharp.
Thanks, Mr. Frond.
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Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How does this look?
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Maybe just one full line
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of exclamation points
instead of two?
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But then how will she know
I'm excited?
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He's back!
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Oh, thank God.
I was worried about you.
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Why? I was just at
the farmers market.
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Yeah, but you know
how farmers get.
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With their pitchforks.
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Whoa, that's a big box
of fruits and veggies.
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Yeah, and I got a huge discount
on all this, too.
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Look at this carrot.
It's got legs.
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We could put a little pair
of pants on it.
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And this tomato's all lumpy.
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Wait a minute, all this stuff
in here is weird-looking.
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Yeah, that's why
it was so cheap.
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Also, it's all
about to go rotten.
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Uh... yum.
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People get so judgmental
about how food looks.
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I mean, ugly, soft,
discolored food is food, too.
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No, it's not. Sorry.
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I'm proud of you, Bobby.
You saved all this food.
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Yeah. I mean,
nobody at the farmers market
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said the word "hero,"
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but I think
they were thinking it.
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Hey, Linda, can you turn
the tomato that way?
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So it's not looking
right at me
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with its weird tomato eyes?
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Okay,
but the other side's worse.
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-Ah!
-And here comes Mr. Carrot.
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(as carrot):
I'm coming to say hi
to you, Teddy.
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I don't like it!
I don't like it!
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...and in the '90s,
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popular people at Wagstaff wore
baby doll dresses
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like Wynona Ryder did
in Reality Bites,
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which is
my dad's favorite movie
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and also the password
for his laptop.
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And these are lace-up jeans
from the 2000s.
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It's like your pants are shoes.
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And these are our clothes.
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Because we're great.
So, yeah, the end.
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Thank you, Tammy and Jocelyn.
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That was...
an example of what happens
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when I don't vet
your report topics.
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Okay! Tina, Zeke,
let's hear your report
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on Wagstaff's Amazing Alumni.
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(quietly):
You ready?
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(exhaling deeply)
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Okay, let me know
when you're, uh,
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at the end of that deep breath
and we'll start.
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(stops exhaling)
Ready.
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Hey, Tina, when you look back
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at 75 years of Wagstaff,
what do you see?
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What do I see?
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I Spy Amazing Alumni!
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-(quietly): Nice.
-Thanks.
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Hey, you know what, Zeke?
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Let's talk about
those amazing alumni.
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Alumn-I'd love to!
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(quietly):
We're killing it.
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Tina, you knocked it
out of the park.
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Yeah, you didn't get all sweaty
like you usually do.
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It's true.
The report went pretty smoothly.
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And this thing
only stabbed me once.
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-Whoa.
-Is that a diamond?
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Did you steal that
from a scepter?
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Oh. No, it's a crystal.
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Mr. Frond let me borrow it
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'cause I was nervous
about our report.
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The woman he's dating
gave it to him.
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She said it brings
good energy.
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-Good energy like a protein bar?
-Mm, no.
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Tina, Zeke,
I'm supposed to select
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some of the oral reports
to be given again tomorrow
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at the Wagstaff
Anniversary assembly
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and I'm choosing you guys.
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-Oh, my God!
-Do what?
-Yep.
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And Tammy, Jocelyn,
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since you two were
the only other people
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who didn't just read from
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the school website's
"about us" section,
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you will also be presenting
your report at the assembly.
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BOTH:
Wow.
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I mean, yay!
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What do you say, Tina?
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You up for doing this
again tomorrow?
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CRYSTAL:
You can do it if I'm with you,
Tina.
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Also, it might feel cool
199
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if you press me
to your face right now.
200
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Or do it later, maybe.
People might not get it.
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Here's an oral report, Zeke--
Let's do it!
202
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That's not really
a report, but yeah!
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00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:20,361
Tina, I'm so proud of you!
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My little lordy lordy,
look who's doing her report-y
205
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in front of the whole school!
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Yeah, you went from scaredy-cat
to She's All That.
207
00:06:26,703 --> 00:06:30,222
So, Tina, you think a crystal
made you do well on your report?
208
00:06:30,298 --> 00:06:31,965
I mean, I don't know
if I like your tone.
209
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But yes. Maybe.
I'm not sure.
210
00:06:35,137 --> 00:06:36,803
I'm just saying, it could be
that you practiced a lot.
211
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Like, over and over.
212
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Like, a few times, I thought
you were talking to me,
213
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'cause you were staring
right at me
214
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and I said "What, Tina?"
215
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And you just kept talking
about alumni.
216
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Look. All I can say is
before I got this crystal,
217
00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:48,815
I was the cooler,
and then yesterday I wasn't.
218
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I was the... furnace.
219
00:06:50,302 --> 00:06:51,801
-The Her-nace.
-Uh, Mom,
220
00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:53,245
is this dinner?
221
00:06:53,396 --> 00:06:54,654
It's, like, all vegetables
222
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,156
and I don't have
enough places to hide them.
223
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,324
Well, your dad bought
a giant box of weird produce
224
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for the restaurant
and there's no way
225
00:07:00,069 --> 00:07:01,661
we're gonna be able
to use it all down there,
226
00:07:01,830 --> 00:07:02,904
so I brought some up here.
227
00:07:02,998 --> 00:07:03,997
And this is our life now.
228
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I smell a reality show.
229
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:08,835
Hey, you kids want to take
these apples to school?
230
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Give 'em to your teachers?
231
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Are you sure that's an apple?
232
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It's fine. It's natural.
233
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That's how apples look
sometimes.
234
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It kinda looks like
Dad's butt.
235
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-But not as red.
-Oh, yeah. It does.
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BOB:
Mm.
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00:07:20,832 --> 00:07:22,089
Hey, Mr. Frond. So...
238
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-about this crystal
you loaned me...
-Uh-huh...
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Um, is it okay if I keep it
for the assembly today?
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00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,337
Uh, yeah, sure.
241
00:07:27,430 --> 00:07:28,672
Big things are happening,
Tina.
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I'm asking Cassie out
on a third date.
243
00:07:31,193 --> 00:07:32,342
What do you think of this?
244
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,952
"Want to come over
for dinner tonight?
245
00:07:34,179 --> 00:07:35,454
"I make a mean casserole.
246
00:07:35,681 --> 00:07:37,514
"Or in your case,
a Cassie-role.
247
00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:39,958
"LOL. I told you
I can be funny sometimes.
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00:07:40,185 --> 00:07:42,127
Anyway,
this is Phillip Frond."
249
00:07:42,354 --> 00:07:43,444
Um... Perfect?
250
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:46,523
Great. Adding a heart,
heart, heart, heart,
251
00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:47,707
heart and send.
252
00:07:47,859 --> 00:07:49,693
You got this, Zeke.
253
00:07:49,786 --> 00:07:50,802
There's my partner!
254
00:07:51,029 --> 00:07:52,119
-Don't talk!
-What are you guys doing?
255
00:07:52,214 --> 00:07:53,788
Zeke is trying
to break his record
256
00:07:53,865 --> 00:07:56,716
for how long he can hold up
a pencil with his lip.
257
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:57,867
-(straining)
-You know, I never think
258
00:07:57,961 --> 00:07:59,052
school's gonna be interesting
259
00:07:59,204 --> 00:08:00,479
and then something
like this happens.
260
00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:02,539
Oh, my gosh, Zeke,
three more seconds.
261
00:08:02,632 --> 00:08:03,707
Two. One.
262
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,041
New record!
263
00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:06,876
I'm the holding up a pencil
with my lip champ!
264
00:08:06,895 --> 00:08:08,545
I think you can quit school now.
265
00:08:08,638 --> 00:08:10,655
Hey! I bet it was because
Tina was here.
266
00:08:10,882 --> 00:08:12,232
-With the crystal.
-Oh, yeah.
267
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:14,384
Hey, Tina, can I borrow
the crystal for PE today?
268
00:08:14,386 --> 00:08:16,328
We're running hurdles and
I want to clear all of them.
269
00:08:16,479 --> 00:08:18,145
So I don't hit my penis
like last time.
270
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,999
Uh... No.
Mr. Frond trusted me with it
271
00:08:21,226 --> 00:08:23,059
and I don't think
I should lend it out.
272
00:08:23,152 --> 00:08:24,318
Hey, I wasn't holding
the crystal
273
00:08:24,412 --> 00:08:25,987
when I broke
my lip pencil record.
274
00:08:26,064 --> 00:08:27,247
Tina was just
standing near me.
275
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:28,898
Maybe if she's just there,
276
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:29,841
you won't hit your poor penis.
277
00:08:30,068 --> 00:08:31,751
Oh, yeah.
Tina, could you do that?
278
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:34,087
-Sure. I guess.
-Great, let's go.
279
00:08:34,163 --> 00:08:36,515
Huh. They think Tina
and her crystal have powers.
280
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:38,833
That rock could make us
some paper.
281
00:08:38,910 --> 00:08:41,502
And maybe some money, too.
282
00:08:42,264 --> 00:08:45,339
Oh, sir! Don't forget
your free fruit or vegetable.
283
00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:47,751
-What?
-Yeah, one with every meal.
284
00:08:47,753 --> 00:08:48,935
-Take it!
-Oh...
285
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,529
I think I'm just gonna go?
286
00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:52,589
Sorry, Linda. His loss.
287
00:08:52,591 --> 00:08:53,757
Yeah. You want it, Mort?
288
00:08:53,850 --> 00:08:55,091
Uh...
289
00:08:55,184 --> 00:08:56,276
-Here's your burger, Teddy.
-Oh, thanks.
290
00:08:56,428 --> 00:08:58,111
Whoa. What's that?
What's happening?
291
00:08:58,263 --> 00:08:59,946
Uh, we're trying out
a new thing.
292
00:09:00,098 --> 00:09:02,023
A side salad is included
with your meal.
293
00:09:02,117 --> 00:09:04,100
Eh, no thanks. It looks weird.
294
00:09:04,119 --> 00:09:05,860
It doesn't matter
what it looks like, Teddy.
295
00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:06,936
Close your eyes and eat it.
296
00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:08,271
Bob, I know what you're doing.
297
00:09:08,364 --> 00:09:10,273
You're trying to get rid of
your weird vegetables.
298
00:09:10,366 --> 00:09:11,699
I'm not a garbage disposal.
299
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,052
You kind of are. You ate
that lemon rind that time.
300
00:09:14,279 --> 00:09:15,128
Oh, this again?
301
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:16,871
You put a lemon wedge
on my plate.
302
00:09:16,965 --> 00:09:18,223
What do you think
a guy's gonna do?
303
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:20,283
At least it was
a normal-looking lemon.
304
00:09:20,302 --> 00:09:21,618
Bob, let's face it.
305
00:09:21,636 --> 00:09:23,453
Even with the salads
and the free ugly food bowl,
306
00:09:23,546 --> 00:09:26,122
we're not gonna get through all
this stuff before it goes bad.
307
00:09:26,141 --> 00:09:27,807
I think we might have
to throw out the food
308
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,234
we didn't want
anyone to throw out.
309
00:09:29,461 --> 00:09:31,236
-Don't say that!
-I mean,
what are we supposed to do
310
00:09:31,387 --> 00:09:33,313
with this sad, old cucumber
that's at the end of its life?
311
00:09:33,465 --> 00:09:35,407
Oh, actually,
this one's going to Mort.
312
00:09:35,483 --> 00:09:36,633
Right. Yay.
313
00:09:36,726 --> 00:09:38,076
Wait! That's it!
314
00:09:38,303 --> 00:09:40,728
I-I know what we can do!
We'll just do what Mort does.
315
00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:41,988
Eat real slow
316
00:09:42,065 --> 00:09:43,640
-and chew a million times?
-What?
317
00:09:43,733 --> 00:09:44,808
-We pickle it.
-(gasps)
318
00:09:44,901 --> 00:09:46,901
Ooh! Good idea, Bob!
319
00:09:46,995 --> 00:09:48,569
Why is that like what I do?
320
00:09:48,738 --> 00:09:49,921
You know, like embalming.
321
00:09:50,148 --> 00:09:51,981
That's not even really...
Okay, never mind.
322
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,408
Ooh! All of the sudden
I'm feeling picklish!
323
00:09:54,502 --> 00:09:55,242
All right!
324
00:09:55,337 --> 00:09:57,153
Tina, my favorite sister...
325
00:09:57,246 --> 00:09:59,431
-Hey!
-And there's the crystal.
326
00:09:59,658 --> 00:10:00,414
Good, good.
327
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,749
You know, I've been thinking.
328
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,993
You and this crystal could
help a lot of people.
329
00:10:03,995 --> 00:10:05,419
And I feel like it's our duty
330
00:10:05,497 --> 00:10:07,772
to find these people
and ask for a small fee
331
00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:09,441
in order for you to stand
next to them.
332
00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,167
-Uh...
-You love it.
333
00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,426
Anyway, here's Peter Pescadero.
334
00:10:12,504 --> 00:10:13,945
And for the low,
low price of fifty cents,
335
00:10:14,172 --> 00:10:15,947
he'd like
some crystal Tina time.
336
00:10:16,024 --> 00:10:17,523
-Wait. What?
-I've been working on
337
00:10:17,676 --> 00:10:18,933
my breakdancing moves,
338
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,452
but I still can't crack
the windmill.
339
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:23,196
There's a crack in my windmill.
This guy.
340
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,531
Could you just stand near me
while I practice for one second?
341
00:10:25,700 --> 00:10:27,033
Oh. I guess...
342
00:10:27,185 --> 00:10:28,793
But I can't promise anything
is going to happen.
343
00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:30,536
You can do this, Peter.
344
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,613
Windmill...!
345
00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,949
He's doing it. I think.
346
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,968
Okay, Rudy,
go ask Chloe your question.
347
00:10:37,195 --> 00:10:39,804
I mean, I still think
she's a dumb shampoo bottle
348
00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:40,805
in the shape of a person.
349
00:10:41,032 --> 00:10:42,623
But you paid your money,
so have at it.
350
00:10:42,717 --> 00:10:44,309
Bring it home, Rudy.
351
00:10:44,536 --> 00:10:46,703
Hey, Chloe. How about you and I
be science partners today?
352
00:10:46,796 --> 00:10:49,648
Um, I was gonna be
Emmy Butler's partner today.
353
00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:51,224
-Oh.
-But then she got sick,
354
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,043
which is gross, so yeah.
Just for today.
355
00:10:54,137 --> 00:10:56,379
And maybe you do all
the experiments for both of us.
356
00:10:56,472 --> 00:10:58,715
'Cause I don't like wearing
the goggles. They hurt my hair.
357
00:10:58,733 --> 00:11:00,066
-Yes!
-Barf.
358
00:11:00,143 --> 00:11:01,734
I can't believe I'm doing this.
359
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:02,977
Eh, what the heck?
360
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,570
It's for online poker.
361
00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:06,072
I never go all in like this.
362
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,090
But screw it, I like this hand.
363
00:11:08,092 --> 00:11:09,409
Is it a royal flush?
364
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:10,835
That's the only poker hand
I know
365
00:11:11,062 --> 00:11:12,395
because it sounds like
a fancy poop.
366
00:11:12,564 --> 00:11:13,579
-(computer chimes)
-(gasps)
367
00:11:13,656 --> 00:11:15,340
Oh, my God, I won! I won!
368
00:11:15,417 --> 00:11:17,676
You know, the right thing
to do is to give us half.
369
00:11:17,752 --> 00:11:19,585
-No.
-We'll talk later.
370
00:11:19,662 --> 00:11:20,995
Today is the best day
371
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,405
of this young man's life.
372
00:11:22,498 --> 00:11:24,924
I finally got the corner piece
of the mac and cheese.
373
00:11:25,001 --> 00:11:26,333
-Crystal worked again, huh?
-Yup.
374
00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:28,353
Every other time I've asked,
Hildy said,
375
00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:30,504
"You get what you get
and you don't get upset."
376
00:11:30,582 --> 00:11:32,524
But this time,
Tina's crystal was there
377
00:11:32,751 --> 00:11:34,675
and now I'm
in the corner suite, baby!
378
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,102
Well, eat up.
379
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,696
We got some more crystal
customers booked after lunch.
380
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,197
Actually, I was thinking
381
00:11:39,424 --> 00:11:40,865
we should give
the crystal a rest.
382
00:11:41,017 --> 00:11:42,200
I'm not sure exactly
how it works,
383
00:11:42,427 --> 00:11:44,736
but, uh... maybe we should
save some of its powers
384
00:11:44,963 --> 00:11:46,037
for me and the assembly?
385
00:11:46,264 --> 00:11:47,706
I mean, I don't know
how to recharge this thing.
386
00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:49,023
I bet Billy Crystal would know.
387
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:50,208
Tina! There you are.
388
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:53,119
Cassie said yes
to having Cassie-role with me.
389
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,713
Also, she asked me
about the crystal
390
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,272
and I said I was enjoying it
very much.
391
00:11:56,441 --> 00:11:58,550
So I will be needing it back
after you give your speech.
392
00:11:58,777 --> 00:11:59,884
JOCELYN:
Ah!
393
00:12:00,036 --> 00:12:01,202
You okay, Jocelyn?
394
00:12:01,370 --> 00:12:03,780
I'm fine.
I tripped on my jean laces.
395
00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:06,891
So, Tina, as I was saying,
I'll need the crystal back.
396
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:09,302
Okay, Mr. Frond. I'll give it
back to you after the assembly.
397
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,895
And don't worry,
I'm taking good care of it.
398
00:12:11,122 --> 00:12:12,379
Oh, my God! It's gone!
399
00:12:12,457 --> 00:12:13,898
(high-pitched):
What do you mean, "it's gone"?
400
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,549
It was right here
just a second ago!
401
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:16,976
So was my mac and cheese!
402
00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:19,028
Oh, no. It's there.
Hi, you.
403
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,225
(high-pitched):
Where's Cassie's crystal?
404
00:12:24,302 --> 00:12:26,060
Yeah, Tina!
Where's Cassie's crystal?
405
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,820
It was right there!
On the table!
406
00:12:27,973 --> 00:12:30,156
Ugh. One of the alumni keeps
texting me.
407
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,641
He wants to know
where to park his scooter.
408
00:12:31,659 --> 00:12:34,160
Tina, I need the crystal back
by the end of the day.
409
00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:36,646
Or else my Cassie-role
is grass.
410
00:12:36,664 --> 00:12:38,089
Oh, my God.
411
00:12:38,316 --> 00:12:39,983
If we don't find it,
my Cassie-role is grass, too!
412
00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:41,317
I'll have to do
the report with Zeke
413
00:12:41,410 --> 00:12:43,319
in front of the whole school
with no crystal!
414
00:12:43,412 --> 00:12:44,745
Someone must've stolen it.
415
00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:46,656
And during peak
crystal business hours.
416
00:12:46,674 --> 00:12:47,991
We gotta find this monster.
417
00:12:48,009 --> 00:12:49,934
And we'll start
right after lunch.
418
00:12:50,161 --> 00:12:51,327
-Gene...
-Fine.
419
00:12:51,346 --> 00:12:53,162
But the mac and cheese
is coming with us.
420
00:12:53,181 --> 00:12:56,024
♪ Crystal, crystal, crystal ♪
421
00:12:57,185 --> 00:13:00,945
♪ Who can pull
the missing crystal? ♪
422
00:13:01,172 --> 00:13:04,190
♪ Distracting just
to find the crystal ♪
423
00:13:05,343 --> 00:13:07,860
♪ Crystal, crystal,
crystal, crystal. ♪
424
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,954
♪
425
00:13:10,181 --> 00:13:12,015
♪ We're pickling ♪
426
00:13:12,108 --> 00:13:15,368
♪ Just like
the cavemen used to do. ♪
427
00:13:15,444 --> 00:13:16,702
Here are all the jars we have.
428
00:13:16,855 --> 00:13:18,445
Oh, God.
That's a lot of smell.
429
00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:20,614
-What smell?
-The vinegar. Ugh.
430
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,025
It's really strong.
431
00:13:22,027 --> 00:13:23,284
We might've pickled
our whole restaurant.
432
00:13:23,378 --> 00:13:24,694
Wh-Why can't I smell it?
433
00:13:24,787 --> 00:13:26,879
You're pickled. Go to the
basement and come back up.
434
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,290
Okay...
Going down, going down.
435
00:13:29,384 --> 00:13:31,551
It's really dirty down here,
we should clean it.
436
00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:33,369
Turning around and...
Oh, God!
437
00:13:33,388 --> 00:13:35,721
What have we done?
You did this to us!
438
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:37,649
I'm sorry! I thought I did good!
439
00:13:37,725 --> 00:13:39,466
The produce is cursed, Bob!
440
00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:40,634
No! They're just ugly!
441
00:13:40,728 --> 00:13:41,820
Same thing!
442
00:13:42,047 --> 00:13:43,637
This is going to destroy
443
00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,048
everything we built together.
(sniffs)
444
00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:46,382
Wait, I can't smell it anymore.
445
00:13:46,401 --> 00:13:48,142
(sniffs) Yeah. Me, neither.
446
00:13:48,236 --> 00:13:49,160
-Should we keep pickling?
-Yeah, it's kinda fun.
447
00:13:49,312 --> 00:13:52,055
LINDA:
♪ Picklin', picklin'... ♪
448
00:13:52,073 --> 00:13:53,981
Uh, the assembly's
in one hour.
449
00:13:54,075 --> 00:13:55,667
We'll never find the crystal
before then.
450
00:13:55,743 --> 00:13:56,893
There it is!
451
00:13:56,986 --> 00:13:58,485
(gasps) The crystal!
Tammy has it.
452
00:13:58,580 --> 00:13:59,745
What? No, I don't!
453
00:13:59,898 --> 00:14:00,988
Wait a minute.
454
00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:02,415
You had Jocelyn
create a distraction
455
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,585
in the cafeteria with her big,
dramatic fall, didn't you?
456
00:14:05,661 --> 00:14:08,346
No. You know Jocelyn's knees
don't bend right.
457
00:14:08,423 --> 00:14:09,922
Give me back my crystal, Tammy!
458
00:14:10,075 --> 00:14:12,183
It's not your crystal, Tina.
459
00:14:12,335 --> 00:14:14,744
It's Mr. Frond's.
You borrowed it from him.
460
00:14:14,837 --> 00:14:16,354
And maybe I borrowed it from you
461
00:14:16,581 --> 00:14:17,914
and I'm gonna give it
back to Mr. Frond
462
00:14:18,007 --> 00:14:19,173
when I am done with it.
463
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,751
Because maybe I need
some crystal power.
464
00:14:21,753 --> 00:14:22,919
What are you talking about?
465
00:14:22,921 --> 00:14:24,178
I found out that
one of the alumni
466
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:25,196
who's coming to the assembly
467
00:14:25,423 --> 00:14:27,256
is the woman who owns
the boutique
468
00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:28,349
Mary Queen of Skorts.
469
00:14:28,443 --> 00:14:30,034
Yeah, I know,
she was in my report.
470
00:14:30,186 --> 00:14:34,038
Yeah. And she's in
the fashion industry, Tina. Uh.
471
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,707
If she likes my presentation,
472
00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:37,208
she might take me
under her wing.
473
00:14:37,435 --> 00:14:39,210
I could be Anne Hathaway
to her Meryl Streep,
474
00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:40,937
but I'd be blonde,
which is even better.
475
00:14:41,030 --> 00:14:42,213
Oops, oops, oops, oops.
476
00:14:42,290 --> 00:14:43,773
Something's falling
out of my hands
477
00:14:43,866 --> 00:14:44,883
and into my locker
and it's closed.
478
00:14:45,110 --> 00:14:46,792
-(Tammy humming)
-(groans)
479
00:14:46,945 --> 00:14:47,960
Now what do we do?
480
00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:49,036
I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.
481
00:14:49,130 --> 00:14:50,555
We're gonna go to class,
482
00:14:50,632 --> 00:14:51,705
get some bathroom passes,
483
00:14:51,783 --> 00:14:53,207
and break into Tammy's locker.
484
00:14:53,301 --> 00:14:55,226
And then what?
Oh. Right. Get the crystal.
485
00:14:55,378 --> 00:14:57,878
Glad you came back for
a second lunch, Teddy.
486
00:14:57,972 --> 00:15:00,289
Because now you get to try
the quick pickles.
487
00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:01,641
They should be ready.
488
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,067
Oh, what a surprise.
489
00:15:03,294 --> 00:15:05,311
Bob is trying to foist
his ugly vegetables on people.
490
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,980
I'm ignoring that,
because they're pickles now.
491
00:15:08,057 --> 00:15:09,073
They're reborn.
492
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:10,724
They're pretty
pickle butterflies.
493
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,893
(sniffs) And I won't smell
like this forever, right?
494
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,820
-Right?
-Pickled carrot, anyone?
495
00:15:14,897 --> 00:15:16,581
-Ah, no thanks.
-I'll try it.
496
00:15:16,808 --> 00:15:19,825
Mmm. You can't even taste
how mangled it looked.
497
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,252
Pickled cauliflower?
498
00:15:21,438 --> 00:15:22,587
I think that's a strawberry.
499
00:15:22,664 --> 00:15:23,996
Oh, my God, I think
that is a strawberry.
500
00:15:24,165 --> 00:15:26,407
-Teddy?
-Eh... Nah, I'm gonna pass.
501
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:28,092
You know what, Teddy?
These pickles aren't for you.
502
00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:30,503
They're for people who don't
want to waste food
503
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,413
and want to make
the world a better place.
504
00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:35,007
That strawberry doesn't want to
make the world a better place.
505
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,842
It's frowning. It looks mean.
506
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,585
(as strawberry):
I'm not mean, Teddy,
507
00:15:38,663 --> 00:15:39,845
I'm a nice strawberry.
508
00:15:39,998 --> 00:15:41,422
Ah! Stop it!
509
00:15:41,499 --> 00:15:42,682
Sorry I'm late.
510
00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,016
I got my bathroom pass
511
00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:45,001
and then I actually had
to go to the bathroom.
512
00:15:45,094 --> 00:15:46,018
How's it going here?
513
00:15:46,171 --> 00:15:47,946
I mean, I don't feel
totally great
514
00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:49,672
about lying
to get out of class.
515
00:15:49,765 --> 00:15:51,340
And if we don't
get the crystal,
516
00:15:51,359 --> 00:15:52,858
I'm probably gonna have
a super sweaty, phlegmy meltdown
517
00:15:53,011 --> 00:15:54,010
in front of the whole school.
518
00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:55,194
And Mr. Frond's gonna hate me.
519
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,104
-But other than that, fine.
-Great!
520
00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,273
Ugh! Everything
at this school is lousy
521
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,017
except for
these weirdly amazing,
522
00:16:01,110 --> 00:16:03,186
-hard-to-break-into lockers.
-(school bell ringing)
523
00:16:03,279 --> 00:16:05,521
This is embarrassing--
Ooh! I got it!
524
00:16:05,614 --> 00:16:06,464
-Yes!
-(gasps)
525
00:16:06,691 --> 00:16:07,707
-Ah!
-Ah!
526
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,542
You guys are stealing
the crystal from me!
527
00:16:09,618 --> 00:16:10,635
You stole it from me!
528
00:16:10,712 --> 00:16:13,029
What does that have to do
with anything?
529
00:16:13,047 --> 00:16:14,455
-(grunting)
-Let go!
530
00:16:14,532 --> 00:16:16,199
(grunting)
531
00:16:16,292 --> 00:16:17,642
-Oh, no!
-Oh!
-Oh, my God.
532
00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:19,552
Uh... You know what, Tina?
533
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,220
Uh, you can have it.
534
00:16:21,297 --> 00:16:22,555
See you at the assembly.
535
00:16:22,631 --> 00:16:24,040
Ugh, damn it, Tammy!
536
00:16:24,042 --> 00:16:25,725
(pants)
The crystal! It's dead!
537
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,043
(panting)
538
00:16:27,045 --> 00:16:28,044
Unless it's
one of those crystals
539
00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:29,729
that crawls back together?
540
00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,547
-Nope.
-Tina, there you are.
541
00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:32,824
Please tell me you found the...
542
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,659
-(screams)
-I'm so sorry.
543
00:16:34,810 --> 00:16:36,160
(whimpering)
544
00:16:36,387 --> 00:16:37,887
I hear they're doing
great things
545
00:16:37,980 --> 00:16:39,388
with glue these days.
(laughs nervously)
546
00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:40,707
(whispers):
Let's go.
547
00:16:44,987 --> 00:16:46,245
(playing kazoos)
548
00:16:46,322 --> 00:16:47,897
TAMMY:
There's Mary Queen of Skorts.
549
00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:49,340
Should I wave? Hey!
550
00:16:49,417 --> 00:16:51,917
Okay, she didn't wave back
or look in my direction,
551
00:16:52,070 --> 00:16:54,403
but I think she saw me and
was like, "Who's that girl?"
552
00:16:54,422 --> 00:16:56,848
Hey, Tina, you okay?
'Cause you seem kind of nervous.
553
00:16:57,075 --> 00:16:58,516
And you're perspiring-- a lot.
554
00:16:58,743 --> 00:16:59,684
(chuckles)
What?
555
00:16:59,835 --> 00:17:00,910
Don't worry, we'll be all right.
556
00:17:01,003 --> 00:17:02,094
You got the crystal.
557
00:17:02,171 --> 00:17:04,856
Um, yeah, so...
actually, I don't.
558
00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:06,190
Because Tammy stole it
559
00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,767
and then we got in a fight
and broke it.
560
00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:09,009
Ugh! Get over it, Tina.
561
00:17:09,087 --> 00:17:10,194
That was like ten minutes ago.
562
00:17:10,421 --> 00:17:12,196
Hold up. You don't have
the crystal, Tina?
563
00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:13,606
-No.
-Oh, boy.
564
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,700
Now I'm sweatin'. Right across
my little, tiny mustache.
565
00:17:15,927 --> 00:17:17,035
It's there.
566
00:17:17,262 --> 00:17:19,612
Thank you, fifth grade,
for that somber rendition
567
00:17:19,764 --> 00:17:22,598
of Matchbox Twenty's
"How Far We've Come."
568
00:17:22,691 --> 00:17:25,376
Kazoos have never sounded
so haunting.
569
00:17:25,528 --> 00:17:27,194
So... Wagstaff.
570
00:17:27,288 --> 00:17:28,529
75 years, huh?
571
00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:31,198
What a rich, wonderful past
this school has had.
572
00:17:31,292 --> 00:17:33,793
But, eventually,
everything is broken.
573
00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,127
And dreams die.
574
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,037
-He's taking it well.
-Mm-hmm.
575
00:17:37,131 --> 00:17:39,057
That's it for this jar.
576
00:17:39,208 --> 00:17:40,783
-Served all the pickles.
-Great.
577
00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:43,061
So we'll just keep doing
our part, being good people
578
00:17:43,137 --> 00:17:45,212
and getting a box
of ugly produce every week.
579
00:17:45,306 --> 00:17:47,290
-I love it.
-Yeah... yeah.
580
00:17:47,383 --> 00:17:48,749
What? What's with the face?
581
00:17:48,810 --> 00:17:50,459
You look like someone peed
in your pickle jar.
582
00:17:50,553 --> 00:17:53,887
It's just... I mean,
all of this was so much work.
583
00:17:53,965 --> 00:17:55,889
And everything smells.
584
00:17:55,967 --> 00:17:57,800
-Including you.
-No!
585
00:17:57,893 --> 00:17:59,911
It's true, Lin.
You do. You both do.
586
00:17:59,987 --> 00:18:01,913
Should we...
never do this again?
587
00:18:02,140 --> 00:18:02,988
LINDA and TEDDY:
Oh, thank God
588
00:18:03,141 --> 00:18:04,140
I was only doing this
589
00:18:04,309 --> 00:18:06,325
because I thought
you really wanted to.
590
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:07,418
I did.
591
00:18:07,495 --> 00:18:09,420
-But now I really, really don't.
-Yeah.
592
00:18:09,497 --> 00:18:11,756
At least we saved
all these sweet ugly babies
593
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:13,407
from going to the dumpster.
594
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,151
We're gonna get
into heaven now, right?
595
00:18:15,169 --> 00:18:16,743
-Yeah.
-I want to go to heaven,
596
00:18:16,912 --> 00:18:17,837
but not like that.
597
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:18,930
Not like that.
598
00:18:19,006 --> 00:18:21,173
And we all die alone.
599
00:18:21,326 --> 00:18:24,160
And now, I'd like to bring up
eighth graders Tina and Zeke
600
00:18:24,162 --> 00:18:26,178
to give their report
entitled
601
00:18:26,331 --> 00:18:28,013
"I Spy Amazing Alumni."
602
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:29,273
Oh, God.
603
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:33,644
Hey, Tina, when you look back
at 75 years of Wagstaff...
604
00:18:33,871 --> 00:18:35,187
-What do I see?
-Okay...
605
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,598
I Spy Amazing Alumni!
606
00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:39,283
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha.
607
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,267
-Oh, no.
-Uh-oh.
608
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,602
Let's talk about those
609
00:18:41,679 --> 00:18:44,013
amazing alu... (coughs)
610
00:18:44,015 --> 00:18:45,272
Sorry. Little phlegm.
611
00:18:45,366 --> 00:18:47,183
Um, anyway, ever heard of
612
00:18:47,201 --> 00:18:49,018
Mary Queen of Skorts?
Oh, wait.
613
00:18:49,187 --> 00:18:50,962
-That was your part, Zeke.
-Um... Uh...
614
00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:52,964
Oh, now it's me.
(clears throat thickly)
615
00:18:53,191 --> 00:18:55,282
She's skort of a big...
616
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,192
deal.
617
00:18:56,285 --> 00:18:57,877
-Oh, boy.
-(sighs) I'm sorry.
618
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,137
I'm sorry, everyone.
619
00:18:59,288 --> 00:19:00,805
I'm not great
at oral reports,
620
00:19:00,882 --> 00:19:01,973
and when I have a partner,
621
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,532
that makes me
even more nervous.
622
00:19:03,626 --> 00:19:04,717
I sweat like crazy.
623
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:05,718
And I get weird phlegm
in my mouth.
624
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:06,978
(hacks)
625
00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:08,629
It's like a spit smoothie
in there.
626
00:19:08,706 --> 00:19:10,373
And I'm extra nervous because
I don't have the crystal.
627
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:12,057
That's a whole other thing.
I had a crystal.
628
00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:14,710
It might have had magic powers.
I don't know.
629
00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:15,820
Uh...
630
00:19:15,971 --> 00:19:17,304
-Are we still doing our report?
-Anyway,
631
00:19:17,398 --> 00:19:19,157
maybe I should just accept
that I get nervous.
632
00:19:19,384 --> 00:19:20,825
And maybe that's okay.
633
00:19:20,902 --> 00:19:23,052
Uh, I mean, why try not to be
nervous when I definitely am?
634
00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:24,328
I mean,
look at this pit sweat.
635
00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:26,889
Anyone need me to put out
a small fire? (chuckles)
636
00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:28,240
(chuckles)
637
00:19:28,317 --> 00:19:30,484
(exhales) Feels good
to say it all out loud.
638
00:19:30,578 --> 00:19:31,652
So, anyway...
639
00:19:31,746 --> 00:19:33,396
Oops! I'm getting
the "wrap it up" signal.
640
00:19:33,398 --> 00:19:35,506
Or that kid just really wants me
to look at her watch.
641
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:36,823
Uh... Thank you!
642
00:19:37,993 --> 00:19:41,086
Well, didn't really get to talk
about the Wagstaff alumni
643
00:19:41,163 --> 00:19:43,406
or, uh... just about anything
in our report.
644
00:19:43,499 --> 00:19:44,348
But I tell ya--
645
00:19:44,575 --> 00:19:45,165
it was a pretty nice
little speech.
646
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:46,409
Good job, partner.
647
00:19:46,627 --> 00:19:48,260
And you made being sweaty
and nervous kind of cool.
648
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,022
Thanks.
I'm gonna go get some water.
649
00:19:51,173 --> 00:19:52,581
-(coughs, clears throat)
-Good idea.
650
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:53,933
You sound like
phlegm-ageddon, girl!
651
00:19:54,085 --> 00:19:56,252
Next up: Eighth graders
Tammy and Jocelyn
652
00:19:56,421 --> 00:19:57,695
with their report on
653
00:19:57,772 --> 00:19:59,438
-Wagstaff fashions
past and present.
-(phone buzzing)
654
00:19:59,590 --> 00:20:00,514
Sorry. Sorry.
655
00:20:00,608 --> 00:20:01,848
Wait! Where is she going?
656
00:20:01,943 --> 00:20:04,017
She's gonna miss
our speech. (gasps)
657
00:20:04,095 --> 00:20:05,203
-Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
-Now she's never gonna take me
658
00:20:05,354 --> 00:20:07,688
to Paris Skort
Fashion Week with her.
659
00:20:07,782 --> 00:20:09,874
Tina, I liked your speech.
660
00:20:10,101 --> 00:20:11,934
I mean, it was very awkward.
661
00:20:12,103 --> 00:20:13,860
-So awkward...
-Thank you?
662
00:20:14,029 --> 00:20:15,771
And in a way,
663
00:20:15,864 --> 00:20:17,364
your speech gave me
the push I needed
664
00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:20,200
to leave Cassie a long and
very emotional voice mail
665
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:21,368
about her crystal.
666
00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:22,703
And she just texted me
667
00:20:22,797 --> 00:20:24,613
that she believes crystals
don't really "break."
668
00:20:24,632 --> 00:20:26,873
She says the energy just
"spreads out."
669
00:20:26,968 --> 00:20:28,968
Really? (exhales) Phew!
670
00:20:29,044 --> 00:20:31,454
She's very wise,
like a pretty owl.
671
00:20:31,456 --> 00:20:34,123
And she still wants
to come over for Cassie-role.
672
00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:35,716
-Oh, good.
-Ooh, I should go.
673
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,718
I need to get all the cat hair
off the furniture
674
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:38,811
before Cassie comes.
675
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,238
Great speech, T.
676
00:20:40,465 --> 00:20:42,131
At one point I think you sprayed
some of your mouth phlegm
677
00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:44,391
onto your armpit sweat.
That was magical.
678
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:47,078
-Thanks.
-Well, I got about $3.50
679
00:20:47,305 --> 00:20:48,654
of crystal money
in my pocket.
680
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,823
Is that enough to buy me
a new shirt on the way home?
681
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,083
Probably not.
682
00:20:52,234 --> 00:20:53,751
But maybe
a medium frozen yogurt?
683
00:20:53,828 --> 00:20:54,752
-Three spoons?
-Deal.
684
00:20:54,979 --> 00:20:55,753
You can make it two spoons.
685
00:20:55,830 --> 00:20:57,088
I like to use my hands.
686
00:20:57,164 --> 00:20:58,089
-TINA: Nope. Nope.
-LOUISE: Nope. Nope.
687
00:20:58,165 --> 00:21:00,508
♪ Crystal power ♪
688
00:21:01,910 --> 00:21:04,720
♪ Crystal power
689
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:09,016
♪ Crystal power
690
00:21:09,918 --> 00:21:12,270
♪ Crystal power
691
00:21:13,681 --> 00:21:15,940
♪ When you and your partner
have an oral report ♪
692
00:21:16,167 --> 00:21:18,091
♪ And you're feeling really
out of sorts ♪
693
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:20,002
♪ Maybe get yourself
a nice crystal, it'll ♪
694
00:21:20,095 --> 00:21:21,837
♪ Only stab you a little ♪
695
00:21:21,856 --> 00:21:24,365
♪ Crystal power ♪
696
00:21:25,843 --> 00:21:28,327
♪ Crystal power
697
00:21:29,196 --> 00:21:30,863
♪ Crystal power.
698
00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:31,789
Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
699
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,332
and TOYOTA.