(playing upbeat melody)
*
* I want some burgers and fries *
Well, there's some right here!
TINA & LOUISE: * Don't you tell me no lies!
I can't tell if they're helping or hurting us out there,
but I think hurting.
Got me in here. You're here every day, Teddy.
True, but today, it's 'cause of them.
I think they sound good!
It's better than this stupid hold music.
Oh, hi, Dr. Rinaldi!
No, no, I love your hold music.
Listen, Doc, the rash is still there.
I did everything you said-- no shaving, no deodorant.
Oh. Yeah.
But now it's in both armpits.
Eh. Mm-hmm.
It's red and flaky...
itchy, bumpy. (both groaning)
Sometimes it's oozy.
I look like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
Lin, please stop describing your rash.
I'm on the phone with the doctor, Bob!
I know. Everyone knows. Shh!
Sorry, folks. It's not...
It's not a big deal. It's not...
I mean, it doesn't get in the food.
No, no, no, where are you going?
* You want some burgers and fries! *
Talking to you, buddy!
Hey, thumbs up! Yeah! I got a thumbs up!
That's better than a customer!
Cool song, Gene. Yeah, you guys sound good.
I'm diggin' it. You happen to be
in the presence of child straw prodigies.
We're pretty strawsome.
That's awesome, but with straws? Strawsome?
We borrow from a lot of genres.
Maybe you guys can use a little wind?
(playing lilting run of notes)
Whoa! You just walk around with that thing?
We were at orchestra practice.
And, hey, why make it difficult when you can make it cymbal?
Are we punnin', or are we jammin'?
(playing upbeat tune)
Oh! Oh!
Ah! Ooh!
(crowd cheering)
Guys, you know what this is, right?
Tuesday? Oh, my God, it's trash day.
No, we're a band! Finally, it's happening.
Wait. We weren't a band before?
Uh... before we had the "raz," but we needed the "matazz."
So... what do you say?
Yeah! Let's do it! Okay.
All right, but I don't carry my own equipment.
Yeah! That's the spirit!
Okay, thanks, Doc.
Boy, can that lady talk about rashes.
What did she say?
The rash'll probably go away on its own,
but I got to wear a tank top to let it breathe.
It's festering under there, I guess.
Look at it. Can you see it? Lin, please!
It's like my grandma used to say.
Starve a fever, feed a cold
and air out a festering rash in a tank top.
(playing upbeat tune)
Whoa, kids.
Outside only with the loud noise, remember?
Dad, this is the noise of a band.
Aw, you guys are a band?
That's fun. What's your band name?
We're called The Itty Bitty Ditty Committee.
'Cause we have little ditties.
Oh, now I get it.
GENE: All right, everyone.
This is the first official band practice,
slash, band lunch for The Itty Bitty Ditty Committee.
ALL: Yay!
Oh, we were supposed to bring slash lunch?
I didn't get the slash memo.
Peter, I think you'll like the changes I made to your recorder.
Oh. I electrified it.
Give her a toot.
(playing tune with distortion and reverb)
Cool. Let's wail.
(band plays tune)
* Burger and fries, burger and fries *
* Uh, uh, uh, uh!
All right, so we got that song.
Is it really a song, though,
if you just say words over and over?
Hmm. Good point. I guess most songs are sung.
But here's the thing.
When I sing, people don't seem to really, uh--
how do I, uh, put it?
Oh, yeah, enjoy it. Same with these two.
It depends on your definition of "enjoy."
I just prefer chanting.
Can you guys sing?
No. (raspy): Not if I want to live.
If only we knew someone who could really sing.
I think we do. Follow me.
* Oh, oh, here she comes
* Watch out boy, she'll chew you up *
* Oh, oh, here she comes
* She's a man-eater...
Of course, Darryl-- the computer-nerd songbird.
He's like a funky Bill Gates.
* The woman is wild, oh...
Wow, he can sing.
And he hardly even fainted.
* Oh, oh, here she comes, she's a man... *
Darryl! Aah! Don't do that!
Darryl, ever think about being the lead singer of a band?
Like, only every day.
Great! You can be the lead singer of our band.
You guys are a band?
Why don't you see for yourself?
(scat singing)
So, yeah, we're a band.
Guys, this is nice, but... Casio and straws at lunchtime?
This is kind of kids' stuff.
I'm just saying, if I'm gonna join a band,
it's gonna be a real band, like Steely Dan.
Darryl, honey, don't wait around for Steely Dan.
He's not coming for you.
He's not coming for any of us.
It could happen.
Just sing with us.
If you, like, know a song that goes with these chords.
Fine. One song, but nothing from Frozen,
'cause I don't want to cry.
(playing upbeat song)
(scat singing)
* Girls, girls...
(scatting continues)
Hey, Lenny Destefano.
Are you hiding from one of your many girlfriends?
Yup. Hey, you guys sound good.
Are you a band? Yes! Um...
You guys want to play my birthday party this Saturday?
GENE, RUDY, PETER & DARRYL: Yes! Cool.
(laughing): Not so fast, Lenny.
We have to go over the particulars. What do you mean?
We want the corner pieces of the cake, half of the piñata candy
and ownership of the streaming and performance rights
worldwide in perpetuity.
I'm not having a piñata. Get a piñata.
Okay. See you guys Saturday.
Oh, my God! We just booked a gig
at Lenny Destefano's birthday party!
So, are you in the band, Darryl?
Heck yeah, I'm in the band! Yeah!
The Itty Bitty Ditty Committee just got their first giggy!
You guys, I blocked out my schedule
every day after school for band practice.
Every day? That's a lot of practice.
We don't want to sound too rehearsed.
Uh, yeah, Gene, we do.
We want to sound really good.
Lenny Destefano's party is a big gig.
All right, fine, as long as practice includes snack breaks.
And bathroom breaks and commercial breaks
where I describe my favorite commercials.
Hey, Tina. Hey, Jimmy Jr.
I guess you heard the news about the Itty Bitty Ditty Committee.
Huh? I was gonna tell you
that you're standing in front of my locker.
Oh. Sorry.
What's the Itty Bitty Ditty Committee?
Is that one of those improv groups?
My cousin was kidnapped by one of them.
That's our band name.
We're playing Lenny Destefano's party on Saturday.
It goes from 5:00 to question mark.
Just kidding. It ends at 7:30.
Two burgers of the day.
I'm wearing this tank top 'cause the doctor prescribed it for me.
Lin, you don't have to say that to every customer.
What? I don't want people to think
I'm trying to look like a hot potato.
What's going on under there?
It's just a little hair.
I haven't been shaving my pits. See?
Oh, my God.
Wait. Wha...? It's just,
there's so much of it.
How long since you've stopped shaving?
(groans) A few days. It grows in really fast.
It's like animal fur.
It looks like that guy's hair from Counting Crows. Yes!
Okay, all right, everyone's having fun.
Say good-bye to Mr. Jones. Aah.
(band playing)
Guys, I wrote a song for Lenny's party.
Darryl, here are the lyrics.
"His name is Lenny.
"It is not Jenny.
One time he ate a penny, and he thought nobody saw."
Is that true? True enough.
I changed the name of the guy who ate the penny
from "Gene" to "Lenny," and it was a nickel.
And two pennies and a tiny rock.
All right, follow my lead.
(playing upbeat tune)
* His name is Lenny...
You know what? (clears throat)
This key isn't working for me.
Can we try it in D or E flat?
No can do. Why not?
'Cause no know how to do.
I can only play in this key. (plays notes)
And I don't know which letter that is.
(playing notes) Yeah, that's it.
Here. Let me see. Uh...
(scat singing, band playing)
* His name is Lenny...
Are we playing in the right key? Oh, yeah.
* One time he ate a penny and he thought nobody saw... *
Whoa! Whoa!
(laughs) Well, that was a mess!
Let's not do that again!
Ever. Right guys?
(chuckles) Okay, all agreed.
How was band practice, kids?
Good. Fine.
I thought it was kind of weird.
Right, guys? Didn't you think it was weird?
You mean when Darryl played your keyboard?
And you stood there looking terrified?
Yeah, that was weird.
Darryl played your keyboard? Why?
You know how when you only know how to play in one key,
and the other people want to play in different keys,
and you're like, "What's a key?"
Whoa! Mom, your armpit forests are really filling out.
You can barely see your rash anymore, or your skin,
or anything behind you. Dad, are you there?
Yes, Tina, I'm right here... behind the armpit hair.
Oh. Good.
I love it! We finally have pets.
I'm calling them "Laverne and Curly."
Too late. I already named them "Harry and Sally."
Wait. One's a boy? Obviously.
It's not a boy. It's a man! No, it's not! I'd know
if one was Billy Crystal. Everyone leave my pits alone!
That one just got angry when you got angry.
Enough!
So, Linda's cooking today?
Yeah, she, uh, thought she'd be more
comfortable back there today. I'm hiding my pits.
Lin, would it help if I took off my shirt
in a show of solidarity?
I got some weird stuff going on under here.
No. Teddy, no. Maybe.
Coming off. HUGO: Surprise!
As in surprise inspection.
Ugh. Hugo. Hi.
Hi, Ron. I see you're busy as usual.
Just do what you got to do, Hugo.
Write me up for disorganized napkins or whatever.
Oh, count on it, Bob, I will.
But let's inspect the kitchen first.
Hello, Hugo. Hi, Ron.
Hi, Linda.
Linda, something is unusual about you today.
What is that?
What? Nothing. It's nothing.
Think fast! Ah!
Aha! Aw.
Linda here is in violation
of Health Code Title 21, Section A, Paragraph eight.
"Excessive body hair must be covered."
But I need to wear a tank top.
Need to? Why?
Because of this rash... shida Jones.
Uh, big fan. Oh, yeah.
She likes tank tops, too.
She does. She loves them. Uh-huh.
Well, I happen to have some armpit hairnets with me.
Ron? Here you go.
Ugh! Are you kidding me?
If you want to avoid a citation, you'll keep those on.
Come on, Ron. Let's go down to the walk-in.
Poke the produce, see what pokes back.
Great. Now I look ridiculous.
No. They look... good?
Yeah, very, uh... Wow.
It looks like I trapped two hedgehogs under my arms.
It doesn't... that much.
I love hedgehogs. I got to go!
Lin, where are you going?
LINDA: I'm shaving 'em!
Lin, wait.
Teddy, I'll be right back.
I got to go. Go to her, Bobby!
Lin, don't do this. I'm doing it, Bob!
I'm taking it all off!
The doctor said if you shave, you're just gonna make it worse.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but leave the hair alone.
I hate this rash, Bobby!
It's turning me into a monster!
You're not a monster, Lin.
Your armpits have monster qualities, but...
Look, we're gonna fix this. How?
First, you got to give me the razor.
You're gonna do it?
No. I wouldn't... go near that. Bob!
We'd have to rent a hedge trimmer,
or hire, like, a lumberjack or something like that.
Stop it!
Lin, listen, we're gonna go on the Internet.
Yeah? We're gonna type in "rash remedies."
Uh-huh. And we're gonna see some horrible, horrible images.
But we're also gonna get some help.
I love you so much, Bobby!
(band playing, Darryl scat singing)
Hi. Wait.
Did we have practice scheduled during lunch today?
Hey...
Gene.
Uh, maybe, uh, you should sit down.
Oh, good! I got here just in time for break,
my favorite part of practice.
Who's on whose lap?
Gene, there's... there's a reason
why we were practicing without you.
Because you guys need twice as much practice as me?
No... It's because we're making some changes,
and, uh, you are, uh...
We thought we should be in the band,
and you shouldn't be in the band. Sorry.
What?! I'm out of the band?!
Well, good luck getting my sisters to play without me!
Oh, yeah. They're out, too.
Yeah. We're sort of evolving away from straws.
The thing is, Gene, Rudy and Peter are trained musicians.
And I kind of figured out how to sing all your keyboard parts.
You can't sing my part and sing lyrics at the same time!
Gene, he can. We've seen it and it's so good.
Yeah, I brought in a looper pedal, so I can just...
* Skoop bop boo boo
(recorded): * Skoop bop boo boo
* Skoop bop boo boo, skoop bop boo boo... *
* I can sing on top of my voice *
* That's me, this is also me... *
But this is my band! I started all of this!
Yeah, and you're, like, the most fun member.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm all drama.
But the thing is you can't actually...
play. You only know three chords!
But I know them very well!
Well, two of them I know very well!
The other one I'm just getting acquainted with!
This is hard for everyone, Gene.
But mostly for me!
DARRYL and RUDY: Yeah. True.
Fine! You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get really, really good
in time for Lenny's party! Lenny's party's
in two days, Gene. I know that, Darryl!
You guys are gonna be begging me
to listen to you beg me to come back!
The door's always open, Gene.
Except can you close it on your way out?
I will slam it! (grunts)
(pneumatic hiss)
Stupid safety door closing thing!
Aw. Kicked out of your own band.
They David Lee Roth'd you.
I'm glad we got kicked out.
That was starting to cut into my not-going-to-band-practice time.
And that time is precious. I'm okay with it.
Now I can focus on my solo straw stuff.
Like drinking liquids.
Guys, we're gonna get back together.
I'm just gonna become the greatest musician in the world
in the next 48 hours and that'll be that. Easy.
What are you gonna do, Gene? Go down to the crossroads,
make a deal with the devil?
Almost. I'm gonna ask Ms. Merkin to teach me.
The music teacher at school?
The Queen of the Keys?
Yep! I figure one quick power sesh
should get me ready for Lenny's party.
Great plan, honey. I'm ready for the garlic, Bob.
Not to be all Miss When Is Dinner,
but when is dinner? And what is dinner?
You've been stirring that stuff forever.
Oh, this isn't dinner. This is a home remedy for my armpit rash.
We found it online.
What?! It's well past dinnertime!
(sighs) Sorry. It's just... feed your children.
Okay, uh, Bob, hand me the oatmeal,
the fish oil, and the buttermilk.
No fair. Why do your armpits get to eat all the fun stuff?
(sniffs) Oh, it smells really weird.
Hmm. It's not that bad. (sniffs)
I mean, it's a little weird. Okay, it's really weird.
I'm just gonna try it. No! Tina! It's my medicine!
Just give Tina whatever your armpits don't finish.
I'm so hungry! Bob, order a pizza.
Get one with oatmeal, fish oil and buttermilk on it.
MS. MERKIN: So you want to become a skilled musician.
Yes. Well, good news, all it takes is practice...
No... ...discipline...
No. ...and hard work.
No! Okay. Hearing a lot of nos.
Look, I just want to get good enough to get back into my band,
get discovered, make it big, throw it all away,
get it back again, and we'll see what happens from there.
Okay. Let's open up the workbook.
Work book? Do you hear how you sound right now?!
Gene, settle down. Listen to this.
(playing scales)
That's a terrible song.
It's not a song. It's scales.
Gross. It's not gross.
It's gross. It's scales. It can't be gross.
It's gross.
It's not gross! It's scales!
Well, I'm just sayin',
it could use drums or somethin'.
What? Nothing.
(practicing scales)
Again. Again?! We've been doing this for hours!
You've been doing it for 45 seconds.
Aah! I can't take it anymore!
Gene, you don't become a skilled musician overnight.
But that's exactly what I have to do!
Lenny Destefano's birthday party is tomorrow!
You're playing Lenny Destefano's birthday party? I was.
Why don't you try and book next year
or the year after that and practice until then?
And see if you can get me on as your opening act, would ya?
(sighs) Who am I kidding?
I'm never gonna be a skilled musician.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
Would it help if I played you out? Maybe.
* He's a-leavin' little early, but that's okay *
* He seems real depressed and a... * Okay, not helping!
What? Not helping!
All right. It was a work in progress.
There's my little Genethoven.
How was your first music lesson? What'd you learn?
I learned that I don't have what it takes.
What are you talkin' about?
You've got swagger, you got flare, you got panache.
What else is there?
I'm not getting back in my band or any band!
I'm never gonna get to hear one of my songs used
in a Hyundai Elantra commercial! Never!
Aw, I'd give you a hug, hon,
but I'd get stinky pit paste all over your head.
Why do I never get that warning?
(timer dings) Time to reapply.
Ugh! Oh, God, you released the beast!
It smells fine if you don't breathe.
(straining): We got to move, Lin. It's gonna stink up the whole place.
All right, we're goin' out to the alley to reapply.
Tina, Louise, comfort your brother.
(groans) There, there.
I know what'll make you feel better.
Here comes Ticklin' Tina.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
I don't need to be a musician.
In fact, I don't need music at all.
Really? What? Stop looking at me like that,
keyboard! You know I'm right!
What would you do instead?
Mm. Maybe I'll be a baker.
Or a candlestick maker.
* Maybe I'll be a potter
* Or a teacher like Welcome Back, Kotter *
* Maybe I'll juggle or maybe I'll juice *
* Be a Top Gun and be friends with Goose *
* One thing I know for sure
* I don't need music
* I don't need you anymore
* I don't need music
* I'm gonna kick you right out the door *
* I
* Don't
* Need
* Music
* Anymore!
Aah! Why don't you take the hint and leave me alone?!
Here! Take this thing and get rid of it for me!
What are you saying?
I never want to see or hear from it again.
Burn it.
(gasps) Gene, you don't want to do that.
Take it! I have to report to the Miramar Naval Air Station
in Miramar, California!
Come on out, sweetie. You been in there all morning.
Gene, come on, we got to open up the restaurant.
GENE: No, thank you! I'm fine!
We missed you at breakfast.
We missed all your funny banana jokes.
That one where you pretend the banana is your penis.
Eh, don't love that one. Why?
It's a little easy. Why? What do you mean, "easy"?
He's got other ones. Like what? Which ones?
He does the banana mustache, he does Captain Banana.
Oh, yeah. Ooh! I know what'll get him out.
Who wants to see Mommy's big hairy pasty pits?
GENE: Nah. Good idea, Lin.
LOUISE: All right, all right.
Nice try from the B-team.
You guys go ahead downstairs.
The A-team will take it from here.
Gene, we're coming in.
B-team? All right. We're leaving
but only because we have to open the restaurant.
And we're not the B team. No, like in a good way.
(whispers): Not in a good way.
So, you're, uh, still done with music, right?
Yes. You haven't changed your mind?
Nope. This is what I'm doing now.
Okay. Cool. Oh! I almost forgot.
What is this? That's your keyboard.
We burnt it. Just like you asked.
(gasps) TINA: That's what you wanted, right?
Yes. (groans)
(rock 'n' roll beat begins)
* Keyboard, my keyboard
* Keyboard, my keyboard... *
Keyboard! I don't want you to be dead!
Aha! We knew it! We knew you still cared!
And that's why we didn't burn your keyboard.
What? This isn't my keyboard?
No. We burnt Dad's new socks.
Who does he think he is?
(wails) If you want to see your real keyboard,
put on your burger suit, do something about that hair,
and come with us.
Come on, Gene, let's play together, like we used to.
You play the keyboard and we'll play the cups. Like old times.
No. I can't. I'm not a real musician.
Well, you're definitely a real something.
Maybe "musician" just isn't the right word for you.
Maybe you're a... musishy.
Come on, Gene. Just one song.
Yeah. And after that, if you're still done with music,
we'll really burn this sucker.
Uh...
Mmm... uh... Come on. (grunting)
There we go.
(fart sound)
This is going well. Mmm...
(playing notes) Mmm...
Hmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. There you go.
Mmm.
(straws squeaking)
(rhythm track playing)
Look! They got Gene to play!
Wow. They really are the A-team.
* You want some burgers and fries *
* Do you want some burgers and fries? *
* Well, there's some right here *
LOUISE/TINA: * Don't you tell me no lies
Yeah!
Burger Boy!
Give 'em some straw!
(straws squeaking rapidly and rhythmically)
SPEEDO MAN: Oh, yeah. Aw.
(grunting) Yeah. Ooh!
Wow! Spin!
Hey, you guys want to amp
things up? (chuckles)
Plug it up! Plug it in!
What does that mean? Plug in the amp!
Oh, right! Okay.
Oh, look! The kids have a little flash mob out there!
This thing's turning into a dance party!
I'm goin' out there.
Dog bark solo!
(barking sound effects)
(grunting) Lin, I think the pit paste worked.
I can't see your rash anymore.
Oh, yeah! The rash is gone!
You can shave. Yeah...
What? You don't want to shave?
I don't know. I kind of like 'em now.
My little Harry and Sally. Ugh.
I mean, great. Armpit hair!
Cool! Madonna...
Thank you!
(grunting) Yeah!
What are you guys doing here?
Isn't it almost time for Lenny's party?
Well, funny story. Um, after you were invited
to leave the band, and you reluctantly accepted,
we, um...
It's not fun anymore!
So you're saying you're sorry?
Yeah. Want to get the band back together
and go play Lenny's party?
All right.
Hey! Who wants to go to a cool sixth grader's party?
(cheering) LOUISE: Yay! Let's lead everybody
away from the restaurant!
BOB: No, no, no, no! No, no! LOUISE: Yes, yes, yes, yes!
TINA: I hope Lenny's okay with this.
What am I saying?
He's Lenny Destefano. You guys are gonna love him!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
* I want some burgers and fries *
* Well, there's some right here *
BOTH: * Don't you tell me no lies
* I want some burgers and fries *
* Well, there's some right here *
BOTH: * Don't you tell me no lies
(playing keyboard)
* I want some burgers and fries, ooh... *
* I want... * Well, there's some right here *
LOUISE and TINA: * Don't you tell me no lies
* I want some burgers and fries, ooh... *
* Well, there's some right here *
* Don't you tell me no lies!