Hey, this stool is making a new sound when I spin on it.
It's somewhere right between seal the animal
and Seal the amazing singer.
(squeaking, singing)
I'd buy that stool's album. Hey, hey.
No having fun. You kids are grounded.
Here's something fun. I need someone to run the old grease
out to the Dumpster.
Don't talk about Mom that way.
Mom, are you still mad?
You grounded us four hours ago.
We've grown so much since then.
Yes. I'm still mad.
And I'm gonna be mad about it forever.
But it's the weekend.
Everybody's supposed to go to Bernie's!
Come on, Lin. I-I know you... No!
Can I just... L-Lin. Not talking about it. Ever.
Oh. Here comes Aunt Gayle. And I know this sounds crazy,
but she looks like she's crying.
Oh, God. She can't just stop by, can she?
Why don't we have a panic room?
Well, my life is ruined. (crying)
Oh, God. What's wrong?
Oh, Linda, you remember that guy I met on Cat Chat?
Stacy? Yeah...
Wait, men can be named Stacy? I love America!
Well, we were supposed to go see Yarnival--
it's like Cirque du Soleil but with cats--
and then he canceled. So I guess I'll take Bob.
Oh. Uh, no. No, no, no. No. J... No.
I'll go with you, Aunt Gayle. We've been meaning to hang out
for ages but couldn't make our calendars work, remember?
No, take me! I yearn for yarn.
Please, Gayle! I need to breathe outside air!
I need to touch the wind!
Wow, you guys really want to hang out with me.
Ah, they only want to go 'cause they're grounded.
Why are they grounded? Well...
No reason! I just felt like it.
They're not allowed to go. Okay, fine.
I'll go by myself. That's okay.
I can use the empty seat next to me
to slump into when I die alone!
(crying) All right, fine.
One of them can go. I don't care which one.
They're all equally terrible. Eeny, meeny...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up there.
You have to let us compete for it.
To the death. No. No death, Louise.
Or we could, I don't know, maybe go by, uh,
who has the biggest ding dong.
Gene. Mmm?
No. I'll tell you what you're gonna do.
You're gonna do something you hate.
Let me see. What do you hate? Nachos?
Homework. That's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna do math.
Or we could write essays. (gasps)
(grunts) How dare you. Never!
What a great idea, Tina. I love it.
Since I'm the one with the tickets,
I want the essays to be about me!
I want action, adventure, love, drama.
And Scott Bakula.
Oh, God. All right, you heard the lady.
Your time starts... now!
LINDA: And time. Pencils down.
Okay, who's up? Who's gonna read?
I'll go first because I have the biggest ding dong!
Gene. Mmm. My story is called
"The Ballad of Gayle and Jo Gene."
And I hope you brought your hankies
and some toilet paper, 'cause there's not
gonna be a dry eye or butt in the house.
The place: Nashville, Tennessee.
It was a hot, sweaty night, and the patrons
at the Fiddle of the Road Saloon couldn't wait to hear
their favorite act,
Lindette and Jo Gene.
They had the glitz and glam to make you say, "Hot damn!"
* La, la, la, la, la, la, la *
Lana loves a llama, but the llama loves pajamas.
Y'all sound great, Lindette. I better.
Lou Belchera is here, the big fancy Hollywood singing agent.
So don't screw it up for me. (coughing)
(cheering and applause) A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four.
* Oh, the sheriff had a piggy *
* And he was mighty mad
* He saw me a-coming and my wiener he did grab *
(cheering) * Now I can't quit cryin' and life just ain't no fun *
* 'Cause a fat dog ate my hot dog *
* And I got nothin' but the bun. * Yeehaw!
(cheering and applause) Wow. Wowee, wow, wow, wow.
(clapping) Hi, kids.
I'm Lou Belchera, Hollywood singing agent,
and I'm gonna cut to the chase. I like what you did out there.
I liked it a lot. And I'd like you to be my client
and compete in the Big Ole Opry sing-off next Friday.
What do you say?
We say yes!
No, not you, fumble weed.
The tall one with the big yams.
I'm sorry, but we're a duo. No! I'm going solo!
Wait, what? No. Yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes! * Yes...
But what about me?!
What about you? You heard her.
I'm a star. (chuckles) No,
not yet, you aren't, lady. But if you win the big sing-off
tomorrow night, I'll take you to Hollywood and give you a mansion
and introduce you to, uh, I don't know, Mr. Scott Bakula?
Yay! Get out of here, Jo Gene.
I'm like a rhinestone rainbow
and you're like a trunk full of wet boots.
Fine! But I'm taking the rest of the cold cuts!
And my sequin tube top! And my dreams!
And the pepperoncinis!
Take whatever you want, you little pig. And the crudités.
Don't you touch that crudités! It's mine!
(indistinct chatter)
Shot of hot fudge with a root beer back.
Leave the bottle.
(hiccups) Tough night, huh?
My singin' partner up and left me. Oh, man.
(hiccups) My singin' partner up and left me 15 years ago.
But look at me now. I'm doing great!
Here it comes. (retching) Ah!
Oh, God. Gayle!
Come clean up this throw-up.
GAYLE: * There's lipstick on his pickup *
* There's mascara on the wheels *
* I looked inside the glove box *
* And I found a red high heel.
Well, pinch my loaf. That girl can sing.
Those pipes you got sound like they came straight from heaven.
Ugh, the bathroom pipes? Sorry they're clogged.
People keep putting tampons down 'em. Even the sinks.
No, no. I meant your pipes. Your singing ones.
My name's Jo Gene, and I'm looking
for a new singing partner.
(sighs) I'm not really a singer. I'm just a beautiful waitress
who cleans up throw-ups in a bar.
Not anymore you're not. Let's get you
to the all-night Rhinestone Warehouse quick.
LINDA: The preposterous ostrich's legs
were monstrous.
Sally Struthers' other brother's her mother.
Well, howdy, former pardner.
Wha? What are you doing here, Jo Gene?
I came here to win with my new partner!
We've got this in the bag. But not this bag I'm holding,
because that has my sandwich in it!
Get out of here! Ah! Not my eyes!
I need them for eye exams!
(quietly): Psst. Hey. Stage girl.
Yes? I need you to put
a rattlesnake into someone's guitar for me.
Yes, ma'am.
* I'll...
* Trade you these tears for a couple of beers *
* And this snot for a shot of whiskey... *
Oh, she's good.
Yeah. She's real good.
* ...too frisky.
(cheering and applause) Let's hear it for Lindette!
Now a brand-new duo.
He used to be Lindette's partner,
and she used to be a waitress who cleaned up throw-ups.
Let's give a big Nashville welcome to Gayle and Jo Gene!
(cheering and applause) We call this one "I Won't Go Solo on You."
* Well, I got to use the restroom *
* But there ain't a stall for two *
* So squeeze on in and don't breathe in *
* 'Cause I won't go solo on you *
(rattles)
Um, I think there's a snake in my guitar.
Use it.
* Well, I'd like to eat spaghetti *
* But you want vindaloo
* So I'll leave in a hurry and order some curry *
* 'Cause I won't go solo on you *
* Oh, you and me * You and me
BOTH: * We're together through and through *
(rattle) * So if you move to China
(rattle) * I'll be right behind ya
* 'Cause I won't go solo on you. *
(cheering and applause) BOTH: Yeehaw!
(snake rattles)
(rattles)
And the winner is... Gayle and Jo Gene!
And that wacky snake! What? That's my snake!
I should win! Oh, my face!
GENE: So Lou Belchera signed them and took them to Hollywood,
where they saw the Hollywood Sign and met Scott Bakula!
I come to the second "O" in the Hollywood sign
when I'm feeling sad,
but, oh, boy, am I glad I met you.
And Lindette ended up married to the old drunk from the bar
because she was a mean person who liked grounding people
and going solo.
(retching)
Aw, nuts.
The end. (gasps) Oh, I just loved it, Gene!
Well, I hated it. Boo. You win, Gene!
* I won't go solo on you. * (humming)
Come on! Let's go!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait! What about my story?
And more importantly, my story.
Oh, right, right.
My story is called "Lady Chatterteeth's Lover."
The sisters Chatterteeth
were the most beautiful sisters in all of Withering Wharf,
especially Gayle. She was what you'd call a ten.
She had an almost equally beautiful sister, Tina.
She was like a nine. Nine and a half, maybe.
Also there was Eugenia and Louisa, but they were
less important and not that much fun in general.
Though Gayle was extremely beautiful,
she was also extremely shy.
Gayle, could you please pass me the bread?
(quietly): Sorry. I can't. I'm too shy.
And the sisters were poor. Very, very poor.
My petticoats are unspeakable!
The sisters got by as seamstresses,
sewing the butts back on to soldiers' pants
when they were shot off in battle. Mmm...
Tina longed to marry Lord Jimmy Jr.,
whose butt had been spared in battle, but according
to the law of the land, she couldn't do so
until her eldest sister Gayle was married first.
So many fallen butts.
Why for not can there be an end to this war?
At least we have the Rich Man's Ball to look forward to.
Pass.
Oh, dear sister. I cannot go to the ball.
I'm far too shy.
But, sister, until you marry, none of us can marry, either.
I want a wedding! But instead of a wedding cake,
I want to get a bunch of cupcakes
because it's a long time ago, so that idea is still good!
I am afraid I'm far too shy.
We're all going to die alone because of me.
Don't be mad, though, 'kay?
That was the night that Tina decided she had to find a match
for Gayle. It was mere days before the Rich Man's Ball,
and so Tina had to find Gayle a suitor and with haste.
Tina tried every eligible bachelor she could think of,
but unfortunately she could only think of one.
Theodore the blacksmith. Thank you.
Whoa, what do you call this thing? It's a cup.
Say it again. It's amazing. A cup.
You've never seen a cup before? Nope.
I drink by sticking my head in the river. Oh.
And what's this? What's what?
Uh, this thing all around us.
A house? How are you saying that?
House? No, house. House. How-use. How-use. How-use.
House. House. House. Oh, God. How-use. How-use. House. So quick. House.
And what about... what about... what about... what about... what about...
But alas, Gayle's heart remained empty.
Until he showed up. My horse broke down in front of your cottage.
May I use your old-fashioned ink pens and paper
to alert my family and friends to my delay?
Then I will send the letters with my servant,
and my family will receive the letters
right before I get there. It's a pretty good system.
Of course, sir...
Sir Bob. Belcher.
Lord and heir to the Belcher Burger fortune.
(all gasping, whispering)
Why, you're the lord throwing
the Rich Man's Ball, are you not?
And who is this? Ah!
Your ankles are... great. Ah!
Her name is Gayle, and she's not married.
And if you like her ankles, you should see her shins.
Her shins go on for inches.
You better not be marrying my Bob off to Gayle, little missy.
Ugh, just let me finish, okay?
Well, Gayle, I hope I shall see you at mine ball.
Oh! Ah! Ah.
Should I, uh, pick her up?
Nah, we usually just let her sleep there when that happens.
Oh. wait. No, she's on fire. Let's move her.
(horse neighing)
TINA: The date of the ball had arrived.
Everyone from town was there.
Wow. Everyone from town is here.
Even Lord Ken the albino! Ken!
Oh, I can't wait to see Sir Bob!
Yeah. Have fun with that.
I'm gonna go put a bunch of crumpets down my corset.
Gonna leave this place with a month's worth of food.
Hello, Gayle.
What is that lovely sash about your waist?
I call it a fanny pack.
It's very fetching. Oh!
Hi, Lady Tina. Hi.
I hope you like the band Boys Fore the Present Tyme.
They are very popular in the city.
Come, let's dance.
They're playing the Heinie Liney.
Oh!
*
Tina, seriously? Dad, please! I'm almost done.
Sir Bob and Gayle danced together all evening.
They couldn't take their eyes, or butts, off of each other.
Where's my sexy fiancé?! (guests gasping)
Where is he?!
Bob!
Uh, here I am. Uh, hi... honey.
I can't believe you'd have a ball without me,
your loud, rude, American wife-to-be
that you're marrying for money!
(gasps)
Come here! Give me a kiss!
(making silly noises) Whoa. Uh-uh.
(Linda makes silly noises, Bob mutters) Aah.
TINA: Gayle was so heartbroken over Sir Bob
that she fell deathly ill with pooping cough.
Her sisters tried everything to bring her back to health.
Leeches. Yum!
Beaches.
Screeches. Wake up! Stop being sick!
But nothing worked. They called the vicar
to come give her last rites.
I'm the vicar, Scott Bakula.
Well, hello! I'm feeling much better all of a sudden.
Oh, good. Well, let me whisper a prayer into your mouth.
(gasps) Oh!
(moaning)
Then they Quantum Leapt into the future
to the day of their double wedding
with Tina and Jimmy Jr.,
and they all lived happily ever after. Mmm.
And Sir Bob and Linda were also married,
and then they had a baby with a tail
because they were cousins. The end.
(gasps) That was so good!
Oh, I could feel Scott Bakula's kiss whispers in my mouth!
Kisspers! Ah, I've heard better.
And your father and I are not cousins.
That we know of.
You win, Tina.
Oh! Or should Gene win?
Oh, gosh, this is tough.
(clears throat) I think you're forgetting something.
Oh, right. Okay, go ahead.
I call it "Gayle of Thrones."
(all gasp)
Pace yourselves, guys.
You're gonna want to save your gasps.
Behold the tale of Queen Gayle of Catsteros.
She was the most powerful woman
in all of the nine Cat-life kingdoms,
and mistress of the world's only cat dragons.
People of Catsteros, please eat, drink and be meowy!
Your Royal Highness-- meow--
visitors from the kingdom of Litter Boxia!
Lady Gayle, we come on behalf of your sister,
Lindaryen of Litter Boxia,
to present you with a gift in her absence.
A gift? I'm surprised.
She's always been jealous of me because I have cat dragons,
and I'm not a cranky old hag.
Oh, well, she didn't mention that.
And now, may I present, this guy!
I'm Gene
from the House of the Unfarting.
My Queen, I am a warlock.
If I disappear, just check your rear. Blee.
But don't worry.
I always turn up. Blee.
Just never where you left me!
Oh, impressive.
He was over there-- meow--
and now he's over here. Meow.
I'm befuddled.
I love your cat dragons!
I'll take them in my wagon. Blee.
(gasps) Wha? I'm checking my rear!
He's not there! And he took my cat dragons!
Blee. Here I am.
Oh, phew. Blee.
Just kidding. No!
My cat dragons are gone. I must go get them.
They are my children.
They've suckled at my teats!
Ew. (crowd murmuring)
At least let our bravest knight go with you
to assist Your Grace. Meow.
My Lady Gayle.
Knight Louise, this is my fight.
I cannot risk your life.
But I can. Plus, I really dislike Lindaryen.
She's a tyrant who punishes children unjustly
for doing hilarious pranks.
I swear my service and my steel to you.
(gasps) The Burgarean Slapper!
Let us be off.
My cat dragons are probably very confused
without me and my breast milk.
People of Catsteros,
remain here, remain strong.
I will return with our dragons!
(applause and cheering)
And then I shall breast-feed all of you! Oh.
LOUISE: And so they set off for Litter Boxia,
fighting their many enemies along the way.
They were held prisoner by Theus of Grimward,
Thannis of Grinjammed, and Thambis of Gramjimnt.
But each time, they escaped.
There are the gates of Litter Boxia, My Queen.
Wow, it really stinks here.
Yes, Litter Boxia has not been cleaned in many moons.
And outside of Litter Boxia,
the most dreaded monsters
in all of the Nine Cat-Life Kingdoms.
(man speaking) Hark, my lady. A sound ahead.
What is it? It sounds really boring.
It's a White Talker!
Cover your ears, or they will
literally bore you into a deathlike slumber. (gasps)
I tried everything
to get that barbecue stain out of my underpants.
The best place to park at the hardware store
is probably the parking lot.
Oh. Oh, I have an itch. Oh. Oh, God. Oh, it...
Oh, it's so itchy. Oh, I got to itch it. Don't itch it!
Oh, I can't wait any longer!
Do not take your hands off your ears!
My lady, no! Oh, I got to itch it.
Oh, God! Oh, oh! Ugh.
(yells) Oh, no. He got me.
So boring.
I'm... so bored.
Louise...!
Who goes there? It is I,
Gayle, Queen of Catsteros.
I seek my sister Lindaryen.
She has stolen my dragons.
Oh. Okay.
So you're Gayle. Okay.
Just go in or whatever. Hi.
Everyone, listen to me sing!
* La, la, la, la-la-la-la-la. *
Bobdor. Gayle!
Sister. Surprised to see me?
Not at all! I knew you'd come,
and I knew when you did I'd get rid of you once and for all!
I challenge you... to a duel.
(gasps) To the death?
Yes! But let's do that thing
where we pick someone to represent us
and fight in our honor, and then die in our place, right?
Oh, good idea.
I choose The Mort-tain!
Mm, uh. Huh? Oh, okay.
Um, hang on.
Sorry to do this, Louise, but I need you.
Aah. What-What's going on?
I need you to fight for me in a duel to the death.
Oh! Good. LINDA: Enough talk!
Let the duel commence!
But let's make this fight a little more interesting.
Be careful not to fall
into my pit of ravenous porcelain babies.
(babies chattering) They haven't been fed in days.
(maniacal chuckle) So hungry.
(grunts) (yells)
Thanks for playing, big guy.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! (babies whining)
Oh, crap. Shouldn't have done that.
Well, you beat me fair and square,
but I'm gonna kill you anyway.
Bobdor, throw 'em into the pit.
Bobdor.
Does that mean yes or no?
'Cause it's the only thing you ever say. Bobdor.
Yeah, that doesn't help.
I got to get a new fool. Maybe somebody thinner.
I want somebody hot.
What-what are you doing?
Aah! Ow! Oh! My babies are eating me!
Oh, bad babies! Down!
Thank you, Bobdor.
I'll breast-feed you first when we get back to Catsteros.
All right, everybody, let's go home.
(gasps) Scott Bakula?! Where did you come from?
Does it really matter?
Bobdor third wheel. Bye-bye.
Bobdor!
The end.
Louise, you haven't watched Game of Thrones, right?
No. Game of what?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, Louise, that was so good. Yup.
You're just all such wonderful nieces and nephews.
I don't need Stacy.
You've shown me that I'm talented
and lovable and strong...
(door opens, bells tinkle) Hey, Gayle.
Still up for that date? My emergency canceled.
Stacy! How'd you find me?
All those messages you left me at work and at home
and at my mother's telling me where you were going.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Okay, let's get out of here!
Bye, kids.
No! No!
Son of a bitch!
Mom, come on. Are we really still grounded?
We were just trying to be funny.
Yeah. We tried to make you laugh,
but instead, you made the world laugh.
Uh-huh. It did sound kind of funny.
Hey, uh, Mom, uh, can we get some ice cream?
Yeah. From that case right there. Yeah!
Ice cream. Yummy. Good idea, girls.
Freezer Frankenstein!
(yelling) Oh. Uh. Whoo. Oh. Whoa.
(passing gas, laughter)
Lin, you fell into a pile of maxi pads, and you farted.
It's pretty funny.
It wasn't funny! Everyone laughed at me.
Yeah. Yup. Yup.
And then I had to buy all those maxi pads.
Oh, it's gonna take me weeks to get through those!
And then I farted again when they handed me my bags.
Mom, it was perfect. Don't you see?
I'm proud of you!
You farted your way into our hearts, Mom.
Okay. It was... it was funny.
It was funny. (laughs)
So, we aren't grounded anymore?
Tell you what. You're grounded for tonight,
and you all have to watch TV with me.
All right, it's something.
And we're gonna watch whatever I want,
and we're gonna be a big snuggle sandwich.
I'm the cheese, right in the middle, and everyone likes me!
Wait, where are you going? We're not closed.
We-we don't close for hours. Bye, Dad!
Wai-wai-wai-wait. Don't close the d...
They closed the door. I should have gone with Gayle.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org