1
00:00:21,289 --> 00:00:24,158
Hey, this stool is making
a new sound when I spin on it.

2
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,527
It's somewhere right
between seal the animal

3
00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:28,361
and Seal the amazing singer.

4
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,397
(squeaking, singing)

5
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,365
I'd buy
that stool's album.
Hey, hey.

6
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:34,935
No having fun.
You kids are grounded.

7
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,770
Here's something fun. I need
someone to run the old grease

8
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,072
out to the Dumpster.

9
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:39,740
Don't talk
about Mom that way.

10
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:40,841
Mom, are you still mad?

11
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,243
You grounded us
four hours ago.

12
00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:43,743
We've grown so much
since then.

13
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,345
Yes. I'm still mad.

14
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:46,947
And I'm gonna be mad
about it forever.

15
00:00:46,979 --> 00:00:48,415
But it's
the weekend.

16
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:50,283
Everybody's supposed
to go to Bernie's!

17
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:51,951
Come on, Lin.
I-I know you...
No!

18
00:00:51,984 --> 00:00:55,555
Can I just... L-Lin.
Not talking
about it. Ever.

19
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:58,359
Oh. Here comes Aunt Gayle.
And I know this sounds crazy,

20
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,027
but she looks
like she's crying.

21
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,195
Oh, God. She can't
just stop by, can she?

22
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,796
Why don't we
have a panic room?

23
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:08,201
Well, my life
is ruined. (crying)

24
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,870
Oh, God.
What's wrong?

25
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:13,606
Oh, Linda, you remember
that guy I met on Cat Chat?

26
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,243
Stacy?
Yeah...

27
00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:19,612
Wait, men can be named Stacy?
I love America!

28
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,450
Well, we were supposed
to go see Yarnival--

29
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,918
it's like Cirque du
Soleil but with cats--

30
00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:27,787
and then he canceled.
So I guess I'll take Bob.

31
00:01:27,820 --> 00:01:30,823
Oh. Uh, no. No, no, no.
No. J... No.

32
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,293
I'll go with you, Aunt Gayle.
We've been meaning to hang out

33
00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:35,094
for ages but couldn't make
our calendars work, remember?

34
00:01:35,128 --> 00:01:37,230
No, take me!
I yearn for yarn.

35
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:39,500
Please, Gayle!
I need to breathe outside air!

36
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,402
I need to touch the wind!

37
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:44,472
Wow, you guys really want
to hang out with me.

38
00:01:44,504 --> 00:01:47,007
Ah, they only want to go
'cause they're grounded.

39
00:01:47,039 --> 00:01:48,241
Why are they
grounded?
Well...

40
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,109
No reason!
I just felt like it.

41
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,479
They're not allowed to go.
Okay, fine.

42
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:55,182
I'll go by myself.
That's okay.

43
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:57,016
I can use the empty
seat next to me

44
00:01:57,049 --> 00:01:59,420
to slump into
when I die alone!

45
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:03,123
(crying)
All right, fine.

46
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:05,091
One of them can go.
I don't care which one.

47
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,460
They're all equally
terrible. Eeny, meeny...

48
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,096
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up there.

49
00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:11,098
You have to let us
compete for it.

50
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,700
To the death.
No. No death, Louise.

51
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,135
Or we could, I don't
know, maybe go by, uh,

52
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,604
who has the
biggest ding dong.

53
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,206
Gene.
Mmm?

54
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:20,707
No. I'll tell you
what you're gonna do.

55
00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,342
You're gonna do
something you hate.

56
00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,344
Let me see.
What do you hate?
Nachos?

57
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,112
Homework. That's
what you're gonna do.

58
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,348
You're gonna do math.

59
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,716
Or we could
write essays.
(gasps)

60
00:02:28,748 --> 00:02:30,850
(grunts)
How dare you.
Never!

61
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,187
What a great idea,
Tina. I love it.

62
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,622
Since I'm the one
with the tickets,

63
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,557
I want the essays
to be about me!

64
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:40,627
I want action, adventure,
love, drama.

65
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,128
And Scott Bakula.

66
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:43,896
Oh, God.
All right, you
heard the lady.

67
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:46,098
Your time
starts... now!

68
00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,870
LINDA:
And time. Pencils down.

69
00:02:49,902 --> 00:02:52,139
Okay, who's up?
Who's gonna read?

70
00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:54,375
I'll go first because I
have the biggest ding dong!

71
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:57,076
Gene.
Mmm. My story
is called

72
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:58,579
"The Ballad of Gayle
and Jo Gene."

73
00:02:58,611 --> 00:03:00,213
And I hope you brought
your hankies

74
00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:01,914
and some toilet paper,
'cause there's not

75
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,084
gonna be a dry eye
or butt in the house.

76
00:03:04,116 --> 00:03:06,086
The place:
Nashville, Tennessee.

77
00:03:06,118 --> 00:03:08,389
It was a hot, sweaty night,
and the patrons

78
00:03:08,421 --> 00:03:10,824
at the Fiddle of the Road
Saloon couldn't wait to hear

79
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,058
their favorite act,

80
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:14,026
Lindette and Jo Gene.

81
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:17,531
They had the glitz and glam
to make you say, "Hot damn!"

82
00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:19,432
* La, la, la, la,
la, la, la *

83
00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:23,170
Lana loves a llama,
but the llama loves pajamas.

84
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,838
Y'all sound
great, Lindette.
I better.

85
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:29,109
Lou Belchera is here, the big
fancy Hollywood singing agent.

86
00:03:29,141 --> 00:03:32,012
So don't screw it up
for me.
(coughing)

87
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,014
(cheering and applause)
A-one, a-two,
a-one, two, three, four.

88
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:38,418
* Oh, the sheriff
had a piggy *

89
00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:40,187
* And he was mighty mad

90
00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:43,691
* He saw me a-coming
and my wiener he did grab *

91
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,460
(cheering)
* Now I can't quit cryin'
and life just ain't no fun *

92
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:47,961
* 'Cause a fat dog ate
my hot dog *

93
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,563
* And I got nothin'
but the bun. * Yeehaw!

94
00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:53,300
(cheering and applause)
Wow. Wowee, wow, wow, wow.

95
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,102
(clapping)
Hi, kids.

96
00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:57,437
I'm Lou Belchera,
Hollywood singing agent,

97
00:03:57,471 --> 00:04:00,206
and I'm gonna cut to the chase.
I like what you did out there.

98
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,776
I liked it a lot. And I'd
like you to be my client

99
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,378
and compete in the Big Ole
Opry sing-off next Friday.

100
00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:06,646
What do you say?

101
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:07,747
We say yes!

102
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:08,981
No, not you, fumble weed.

103
00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:10,717
The tall one with
the big yams.

104
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:14,322
I'm sorry, but we're a duo.
No! I'm going solo!

105
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,823
Wait, what? No.
Yes!

106
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:19,560
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
* Yes...

107
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:20,761
But what about me?!

108
00:04:20,793 --> 00:04:22,228
What about you? You heard her.

109
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,130
I'm a star.
(chuckles)
No,

110
00:04:24,163 --> 00:04:26,165
not yet, you aren't, lady.
But if you win the big sing-off

111
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,836
tomorrow night, I'll take you to
Hollywood and give you a mansion

112
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:32,673
and introduce you to, uh, I
don't know, Mr. Scott Bakula?

113
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,608
Yay!
Get out of here, Jo Gene.

114
00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:36,175
I'm like a rhinestone rainbow

115
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,978
and you're like a trunk full
of wet boots.

116
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,180
Fine! But I'm taking the
rest of the cold cuts!

117
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:43,182
And my sequin tube top!
And my dreams!

118
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,151
And the pepperoncinis!

119
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,954
Take whatever you want,
you little pig.
And the crudités.

120
00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:51,459
Don't you touch
that crudités!
It's mine!

121
00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:52,793
(indistinct chatter)

122
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,528
Shot of hot fudge
with a root beer back.

123
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:57,365
Leave the bottle.

124
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,298
(hiccups)
Tough night, huh?

125
00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:02,002
My singin' partner
up and left me.
Oh, man.

126
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:06,038
(hiccups)
My singin' partner up
and left me 15 years ago.

127
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,841
But look at me now.
I'm doing great!

128
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,810
Here it comes.
(retching)
Ah!

129
00:05:10,843 --> 00:05:12,379
Oh, God.
Gayle!

130
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,146
Come clean up
this throw-up.

131
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:18,317
GAYLE:
* There's lipstick
on his pickup *

132
00:05:18,351 --> 00:05:23,223
* There's mascara
on the wheels *

133
00:05:23,255 --> 00:05:27,060
* I looked
inside the glove box *

134
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:32,231
* And I found a red high heel.

135
00:05:32,264 --> 00:05:35,735
Well, pinch my loaf.
That girl can sing.

136
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:42,141
Those pipes you got sound like
they came straight from heaven.

137
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,577
Ugh, the bathroom pipes?
Sorry they're clogged.

138
00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:47,480
People keep putting tampons
down 'em. Even the sinks.

139
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,882
No, no. I meant your pipes.
Your singing ones.

140
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,350
My name's Jo Gene,
and I'm looking

141
00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,185
for a new singing partner.

142
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,023
(sighs) I'm not really a singer.
I'm just a beautiful waitress

143
00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:58,725
who cleans up throw-ups
in a bar.

144
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,427
Not anymore you're not.
Let's get you

145
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,762
to the all-night Rhinestone
Warehouse quick.

146
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,033
LINDA:
The preposterous ostrich's legs

147
00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,668
were monstrous.

148
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,336
Sally Struthers' other brother's
her mother.

149
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,038
Well, howdy,
former pardner.

150
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,274
Wha? What are you doing here,
Jo Gene?

151
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,410
I came here to win
with my new partner!

152
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:19,547
We've got this in the bag.
But not this bag I'm holding,

153
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:22,249
because that has my sandwich
in it!

154
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:24,084
Get out of here!
Ah! Not my eyes!

155
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:26,252
I need them
for eye exams!

156
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:27,954
(quietly):
Psst. Hey. Stage girl.

157
00:06:27,987 --> 00:06:29,589
Yes?
I need you
to put

158
00:06:29,622 --> 00:06:31,124
a rattlesnake
into someone's guitar for me.

159
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,292
Yes, ma'am.

160
00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:35,362
* I'll...

161
00:06:35,394 --> 00:06:37,764
* Trade you these tears
for a couple of beers *

162
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,399
* And this snot
for a shot of whiskey... *

163
00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,302
Oh, she's
good.

164
00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:44,237
Yeah. She's real good.

165
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,105
* ...too frisky.

166
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,475
(cheering and applause)
Let's hear it
for Lindette!

167
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,644
Now a brand-new duo.

168
00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:52,480
He used to be
Lindette's partner,

169
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:55,314
and she used to be a waitress
who cleaned up throw-ups.

170
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:58,050
Let's give a big Nashville
welcome to Gayle and Jo Gene!

171
00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:01,588
(cheering and applause)
We call this one
"I Won't Go Solo on You."

172
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,490
* Well, I got to
use the restroom *

173
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,257
* But there ain't
a stall for two *

174
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:06,994
* So squeeze on in
and don't breathe in *

175
00:07:07,026 --> 00:07:08,629
* 'Cause I won't
go solo on you *

176
00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:10,230
(rattles)

177
00:07:10,262 --> 00:07:12,565
Um, I think there's a
snake in my guitar.

178
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,901
Use it.

179
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,302
* Well, I'd like
to eat spaghetti *

180
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:18,271
* But you want vindaloo

181
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,939
* So I'll leave in a hurry
and order some curry *

182
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,574
* 'Cause I won't go solo
on you *

183
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,144
* Oh, you and me
* You and me

184
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:25,978
BOTH:
* We're together
through and through *

185
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:28,581
(rattle)
* So if you move to China

186
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:31,317
(rattle)
* I'll be right behind ya

187
00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:35,288
* 'Cause I won't go solo
on you. *

188
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,624
(cheering and applause)
BOTH:
Yeehaw!

189
00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:39,326
(snake rattles)

190
00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:41,427
(rattles)

191
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,430
And the winner is...
Gayle and Jo Gene!

192
00:07:44,463 --> 00:07:47,167
And that wacky snake!
What?
That's my snake!

193
00:07:47,199 --> 00:07:49,435
I should win!
Oh, my face!

194
00:07:49,468 --> 00:07:51,838
GENE:
So Lou Belchera signed them
and took them to Hollywood,

195
00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:55,375
where they saw the Hollywood
Sign and met Scott Bakula!

196
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:57,377
I come to the second "O"
in the Hollywood sign

197
00:07:57,409 --> 00:07:58,612
when I'm feeling sad,

198
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,514
but, oh, boy,
am I glad I met you.

199
00:08:01,548 --> 00:08:04,552
And Lindette ended up married
to the old drunk from the bar

200
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:07,454
because she was a mean person
who liked grounding people

201
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,822
and going solo.

202
00:08:08,855 --> 00:08:10,290
(retching)

203
00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:12,125
Aw, nuts.

204
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:15,127
The end.
(gasps)
Oh, I just loved it, Gene!

205
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:18,165
Well, I hated it.
Boo.
You win, Gene!

206
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:20,199
* I won't go
solo on you. *
(humming)

207
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,201
Come on! Let's go!

208
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,403
Whoa! Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Wait!
What about my story?

209
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,540
And more importantly,
my story.

210
00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:28,007
Oh, right, right.

211
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,677
My story is called
"Lady Chatterteeth's Lover."

212
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,545
The sisters
Chatterteeth

213
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:34,313
were the most beautiful sisters
in all of Withering Wharf,

214
00:08:34,346 --> 00:08:37,183
especially Gayle.
She was what you'd call a ten.

215
00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:39,586
She had an almost
equally beautiful sister, Tina.

216
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,922
She was like a nine.
Nine and a half, maybe.

217
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,191
Also there was Eugenia
and Louisa, but they were

218
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,225
less important and not
that much fun in general.

219
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,860
Though Gayle was
extremely beautiful,

220
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,663
she was also extremely shy.

221
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,331
Gayle, could you please pass me
the bread?

222
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,667
(quietly):
Sorry. I can't. I'm too shy.

223
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,436
And the sisters were poor.
Very, very poor.

224
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:58,238
My petticoats are
unspeakable!

225
00:08:58,270 --> 00:09:00,072
The sisters got by
as seamstresses,

226
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,741
sewing the butts back on
to soldiers' pants

227
00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:04,577
when they were shot off
in battle.
Mmm...

228
00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:07,514
Tina longed
to marry Lord Jimmy Jr.,

229
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,582
whose butt had been spared
in battle, but according

230
00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:11,684
to the law of the land,
she couldn't do so

231
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,721
until her eldest sister Gayle
was married first.

232
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,688
So many fallen butts.

233
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:18,291
Why for not can there be an end
to this war?

234
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,927
At least we have the Rich Man's
Ball to look forward to.

235
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:22,129
Pass.

236
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,197
Oh, dear sister.
I cannot go to the ball.

237
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,033
I'm far too shy.

238
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,735
But, sister, until you marry,
none of us can marry, either.

239
00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:30,403
I want a wedding! But
instead of a wedding cake,

240
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:32,272
I want to get a
bunch of cupcakes

241
00:09:32,304 --> 00:09:35,307
because it's a long time ago,
so that idea is still good!

242
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:37,576
I am afraid
I'm far too shy.

243
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:39,879
We're all going to die alone
because of me.

244
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,782
Don't be mad,
though, 'kay?

245
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,984
That was the night that Tina
decided she had to find a match

246
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,385
for Gayle. It was mere days
before the Rich Man's Ball,

247
00:09:46,418 --> 00:09:49,456
and so Tina had to find Gayle
a suitor and with haste.

248
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:52,725
Tina tried every eligible
bachelor she could think of,

249
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,727
but unfortunately
she could only think of one.

250
00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,996
Theodore the blacksmith.
Thank you.

251
00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:59,265
Whoa, what do you
call this thing?
It's a cup.

252
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:01,301
Say it again.
It's amazing.
A cup.

253
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:03,135
You've never seen
a cup before?
Nope.

254
00:10:03,169 --> 00:10:05,504
I drink by sticking
my head in the river.
Oh.

255
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:06,840
And what's this?
What's what?

256
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,942
Uh, this thing
all around us.

257
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:10,509
A house?
How are you saying that?

258
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,446
House? No, house. House.
How-use. How-use. How-use.

259
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,182
House. House. House. Oh, God.
How-use. How-use. House.
So quick. House.

260
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,585
And what about... what
about... what about... what
about... what about...

261
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,087
But alas,
Gayle's heart remained empty.

262
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,124
Until he showed up.
My horse broke down
in front of your cottage.

263
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:27,527
May I use your old-fashioned
ink pens and paper

264
00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:30,529
to alert my family and friends
to my delay?

265
00:10:30,562 --> 00:10:33,432
Then I will send the letters
with my servant,

266
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,368
and my family will receive
the letters

267
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:38,471
right before I get there.
It's a pretty good system.

268
00:10:38,504 --> 00:10:39,471
Of course, sir...

269
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:40,941
Sir Bob. Belcher.

270
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,375
Lord and heir
to the Belcher Burger fortune.

271
00:10:43,409 --> 00:10:45,979
(all gasping, whispering)

272
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,346
Why, you're the lord throwing

273
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:49,115
the Rich Man's Ball,
are you not?

274
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,283
And who is this?
Ah!

275
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,953
Your ankles
are... great.
Ah!

276
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,688
Her name is Gayle,
and she's not married.

277
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,389
And if you like her ankles,
you should see her shins.

278
00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:59,292
Her shins go on for inches.

279
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,162
You better not be marrying my
Bob off to Gayle, little missy.

280
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,297
Ugh, just let me
finish, okay?

281
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:07,399
Well, Gayle, I hope
I shall see you at mine ball.

282
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,970
Oh! Ah! Ah.

283
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:13,373
Should I, uh, pick her up?

284
00:11:13,405 --> 00:11:16,143
Nah, we usually just let her
sleep there when that happens.

285
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,711
Oh. wait. No, she's on
fire. Let's move her.

286
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,916
(horse neighing)

287
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:25,684
TINA:
The date of the ball
had arrived.

288
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:27,419
Everyone from town was there.

289
00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:29,155
Wow. Everyone
from town is here.

290
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,224
Even Lord Ken
the albino! Ken!

291
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,760
Oh, I can't wait
to see Sir Bob!

292
00:11:33,793 --> 00:11:35,595
Yeah. Have fun with that.

293
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,831
I'm gonna go put a bunch
of crumpets down my corset.

294
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,932
Gonna leave this place
with a month's worth of food.

295
00:11:39,966 --> 00:11:41,368
Hello, Gayle.

296
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,870
What is that lovely
sash about your waist?

297
00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:46,373
I call it a fanny pack.

298
00:11:46,405 --> 00:11:47,875
It's very fetching.
Oh!

299
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:49,777
Hi, Lady Tina.
Hi.

300
00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:52,946
I hope you like the band
Boys Fore the Present Tyme.

301
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,782
They are very
popular in the city.

302
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,216
Come, let's dance.

303
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,616
They're playing
the Heinie Liney.

304
00:11:57,649 --> 00:11:58,951
Oh!

305
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:01,453
*

306
00:12:21,774 --> 00:12:24,778
Tina, seriously?
Dad, please!
I'm almost done.

307
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,647
Sir Bob and Gayle danced
together all evening.

308
00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:30,116
They couldn't take their eyes,
or butts, off of each other.

309
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:31,650
Where's my sexy fiancé?!
(guests gasping)

310
00:12:31,683 --> 00:12:33,086
Where is he?!

311
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,553
Bob!

312
00:12:34,586 --> 00:12:37,090
Uh, here I am.
Uh, hi... honey.

313
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,991
I can't believe
you'd have a ball without me,

314
00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:40,393
your loud, rude,
American wife-to-be

315
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,794
that you're marrying
for money!

316
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,230
(gasps)

317
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,764
Come here! Give me a kiss!

318
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:46,399
(making silly noises)
Whoa. Uh-uh.

319
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,836
(Linda makes silly noises,
Bob mutters)
Aah.

320
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,138
TINA:
Gayle was so heartbroken
over Sir Bob

321
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,273
that she fell deathly ill
with pooping cough.

322
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,341
Her sisters tried everything
to bring her back to health.

323
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,644
Leeches.
Yum!

324
00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:59,011
Beaches.

325
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:01,681
Screeches.
Wake up!
Stop being sick!

326
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,183
But nothing worked.
They called the vicar

327
00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:05,952
to come give her last rites.

328
00:13:05,985 --> 00:13:07,620
I'm the vicar, Scott Bakula.

329
00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:09,956
Well, hello! I'm feeling
much better all of a sudden.

330
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:13,125
Oh, good. Well, let me whisper
a prayer into your mouth.

331
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,527
(gasps) Oh!

332
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:15,962
(moaning)

333
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:17,865
Then they Quantum Leapt
into the future

334
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,099
to the day
of their double wedding

335
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,967
with Tina and Jimmy Jr.,

336
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,369
and they all lived
happily ever after.
Mmm.

337
00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,171
And Sir Bob and Linda
were also married,

338
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:25,838
and then they had a baby
with a tail

339
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:27,340
because they were cousins.
The end.

340
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,708
(gasps)
That was so good!

341
00:13:29,741 --> 00:13:33,179
Oh, I could feel Scott Bakula's
kiss whispers in my mouth!

342
00:13:33,212 --> 00:13:35,148
Kisspers!
Ah, I've heard better.

343
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:36,649
And your father and I
are not cousins.

344
00:13:36,682 --> 00:13:37,884
That we know of.

345
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:39,351
You win, Tina.

346
00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:40,720
Oh! Or should Gene win?

347
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,721
Oh, gosh, this is tough.

348
00:13:42,754 --> 00:13:45,325
(clears throat) I think
you're forgetting something.

349
00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:47,326
Oh, right.
Okay, go ahead.

350
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,461
I call it "Gayle of Thrones."

351
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:50,830
(all gasp)

352
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,331
Pace yourselves, guys.

353
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,801
You're gonna want
to save your gasps.

354
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,538
Behold the tale of Queen Gayle
of Catsteros.

355
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,840
She was the most powerful woman

356
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:03,309
in all
of the nine Cat-life kingdoms,

357
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,812
and mistress of the world's
only cat dragons.

358
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:11,217
People of Catsteros, please eat,
drink and be meowy!

359
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,586
Your Royal Highness-- meow--

360
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:17,024
visitors from the kingdom
of Litter Boxia!

361
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:19,491
Lady Gayle, we come
on behalf of your sister,

362
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,394
Lindaryen of Litter Boxia,

363
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,363
to present you with a gift
in her absence.

364
00:14:23,395 --> 00:14:25,498
A gift?
I'm surprised.

365
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:28,000
She's always been jealous of me
because I have cat dragons,

366
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,769
and I'm not a cranky old hag.

367
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,738
Oh, well,
she didn't mention that.

368
00:14:31,770 --> 00:14:33,941
And now, may I present,
this guy!

369
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,408
I'm Gene

370
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,043
from the House
of the Unfarting.

371
00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:38,845
My Queen, I am a warlock.

372
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,014
If I disappear,
just check your rear. Blee.

373
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:42,448
But don't worry.

374
00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:43,850
I always turn up. Blee.

375
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,717
Just never where you left me!

376
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,086
Oh, impressive.

377
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,188
He was over there-- meow--

378
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:51,357
and now he's
over here. Meow.

379
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,759
I'm befuddled.

380
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:54,293
I love your cat dragons!

381
00:14:54,326 --> 00:14:56,629
I'll take them
in my wagon. Blee.

382
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,365
(gasps)
Wha? I'm checking my rear!

383
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,201
He's not there!
And he took my cat dragons!

384
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,634
Blee. Here I am.

385
00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:04,071
Oh, phew.
Blee.

386
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,940
Just kidding.
No!

387
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:13,080
My cat dragons are gone.
I must go get them.

388
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,447
They are my children.

389
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,982
They've suckled at my teats!

390
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,716
Ew.
(crowd murmuring)

391
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,451
At least let our bravest
knight go with you

392
00:15:19,485 --> 00:15:21,221
to assist Your
Grace. Meow.

393
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,123
My Lady Gayle.

394
00:15:23,155 --> 00:15:25,457
Knight Louise, this is my fight.

395
00:15:25,491 --> 00:15:27,394
I cannot risk your life.

396
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,562
But I can. Plus,
I really dislike Lindaryen.

397
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,000
She's a tyrant who punishes
children unjustly

398
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:34,834
for doing hilarious pranks.

399
00:15:34,866 --> 00:15:38,304
I swear my service
and my steel to you.

400
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:41,240
(gasps)
The Burgarean Slapper!

401
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,741
Let us be off.

402
00:15:42,774 --> 00:15:45,345
My cat dragons are
probably very confused

403
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,846
without me and
my breast milk.

404
00:15:47,879 --> 00:15:49,615
People of Catsteros,

405
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,750
remain here,
remain strong.

406
00:15:51,783 --> 00:15:54,854
I will return
with our dragons!

407
00:15:54,886 --> 00:15:56,523
(applause and cheering)

408
00:15:56,556 --> 00:16:01,927
And then I shall breast-feed
all of you!
Oh.

409
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,831
LOUISE:
And so they set off
for Litter Boxia,

410
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:07,333
fighting their many enemies
along the way.

411
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:10,003
They were held prisoner
by Theus of Grimward,

412
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:12,871
Thannis of Grinjammed,
and Thambis of Gramjimnt.

413
00:16:12,904 --> 00:16:15,142
But each time, they escaped.

414
00:16:15,174 --> 00:16:18,044
There are the gates of
Litter Boxia, My Queen.

415
00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:20,212
Wow, it really stinks here.

416
00:16:20,246 --> 00:16:23,182
Yes, Litter Boxia has not
been cleaned in many moons.

417
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,152
And outside of Litter Boxia,

418
00:16:25,184 --> 00:16:26,619
the most dreaded monsters

419
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,620
in all of the Nine
Cat-Life Kingdoms.

420
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,289
(man speaking)
Hark, my lady.
A sound ahead.

421
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:33,025
What is it?
It sounds really boring.

422
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:34,826
It's a White Talker!

423
00:16:34,860 --> 00:16:36,462
Cover your ears, or they will

424
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,798
literally bore you into
a deathlike slumber.
(gasps)

425
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,399
I tried everything

426
00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:41,900
to get that barbecue stain
out of my underpants.

427
00:16:41,933 --> 00:16:43,570
The best place to park
at the hardware store

428
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:44,971
is probably the
parking lot.

429
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,740
Oh. Oh, I have an itch.
Oh. Oh, God. Oh, it...

430
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:50,710
Oh, it's so itchy.
Oh, I got to itch it.
Don't itch it!

431
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,879
Oh, I can't wait any longer!

432
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,413
Do not take your hands
off your ears!

433
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,981
My lady, no!
Oh, I got to itch it.

434
00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:59,052
Oh, God! Oh, oh! Ugh.

435
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,988
(yells) Oh, no.
He got me.

436
00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:03,523
So boring.

437
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:06,226
I'm... so bored.

438
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:09,528
Louise...!

439
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:12,265
Who goes there?
It is I,

440
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:14,267
Gayle, Queen of Catsteros.

441
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:15,835
I seek my sister Lindaryen.

442
00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:18,404
She has stolen my dragons.

443
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:19,905
Oh. Okay.

444
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:21,407
So you're Gayle. Okay.

445
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,875
Just go in or
whatever. Hi.

446
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,579
Everyone, listen to me sing!

447
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,749
* La, la, la,
la-la-la-la-la. *

448
00:17:29,781 --> 00:17:32,352
Bobdor.
Gayle!

449
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,854
Sister. Surprised to see me?

450
00:17:34,886 --> 00:17:36,923
Not at all!
I knew you'd come,

451
00:17:36,955 --> 00:17:40,692
and I knew when you did I'd get
rid of you once and for all!

452
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,195
I challenge you... to a duel.

453
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,797
(gasps)
To the death?

454
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:46,133
Yes! But let's do that thing

455
00:17:46,165 --> 00:17:47,700
where we pick someone
to represent us

456
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,902
and fight in our honor, and then
die in our place, right?

457
00:17:49,935 --> 00:17:50,869
Oh, good idea.

458
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,939
I choose The Mort-tain!

459
00:17:52,971 --> 00:17:55,607
Mm, uh. Huh?
Oh, okay.

460
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,144
Um, hang on.

461
00:17:57,176 --> 00:17:59,746
Sorry to do this,
Louise, but I need you.

462
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,080
Aah. What-What's going on?

463
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:04,217
I need you to fight for me
in a duel to the death.

464
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,252
Oh! Good.
LINDA:
Enough talk!

465
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,920
Let the duel commence!

466
00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:11,258
But let's make this fight
a little more interesting.

467
00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:13,058
Be careful not to fall

468
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,229
into my pit of ravenous
porcelain babies.

469
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:19,632
(babies chattering)
They haven't been fed in days.

470
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,834
(maniacal chuckle)
So hungry.

471
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,303
(grunts)
(yells)

472
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:24,737
Thanks for playing, big guy.

473
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,306
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(babies whining)

474
00:18:26,338 --> 00:18:28,441
Oh, crap.
Shouldn't have done that.

475
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,910
Well, you beat me
fair and square,

476
00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:32,578
but I'm gonna kill you anyway.

477
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:34,113
Bobdor, throw 'em into the pit.

478
00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:35,515
Bobdor.

479
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,317
Does that mean yes or no?

480
00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:39,018
'Cause it's the only thing
you ever say.
Bobdor.

481
00:18:39,050 --> 00:18:40,487
Yeah, that doesn't help.

482
00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:42,788
I got to get a new fool.
Maybe somebody thinner.

483
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:45,525
I want somebody hot.

484
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:46,992
What-what are you doing?

485
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:49,596
Aah! Ow! Oh!
My babies are eating me!

486
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:50,962
Oh, bad babies! Down!

487
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,165
Thank you, Bobdor.

488
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,702
I'll breast-feed you first
when we get back to Catsteros.

489
00:18:56,736 --> 00:19:00,173
All right, everybody,
let's go home.

490
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:03,108
(gasps)
Scott Bakula?!
Where did you come from?

491
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,844
Does it really matter?

492
00:19:04,876 --> 00:19:06,979
Bobdor third wheel.
Bye-bye.

493
00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:09,615
Bobdor!

494
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,317
The end.

495
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,885
Louise, you haven't watched
Game of Thrones, right?

496
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:15,454
No. Game of what?

497
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,056
I don't know
what you're talking about.

498
00:19:17,088 --> 00:19:19,959
Oh, Louise, that
was so good.
Yup.

499
00:19:19,991 --> 00:19:23,529
You're just all such
wonderful nieces and nephews.

500
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:26,031
I don't need Stacy.

501
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,300
You've shown me
that I'm talented

502
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,502
and lovable and strong...

503
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:31,871
(door opens, bells tinkle)
Hey, Gayle.

504
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:34,374
Still up for that date?
My emergency canceled.

505
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:36,675
Stacy! How'd you find me?

506
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,077
All those messages you left me
at work and at home

507
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:41,381
and at my mother's
telling me where you were going.

508
00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:42,515
Oh. Oh, yeah.

509
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:44,049
Okay, let's get out of here!

510
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,151
Bye, kids.

511
00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:46,552
No!
No!

512
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,987
Son of a bitch!

513
00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:49,556
Mom, come on. Are we really
still grounded?

514
00:19:49,588 --> 00:19:51,190
We were just trying
to be funny.

515
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:52,759
Yeah. We tried
to make you laugh,

516
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:54,026
but instead, you
made the world laugh.

517
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,429
Uh-huh.
It did sound
kind of funny.

518
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,165
Hey, uh, Mom, uh,
can we get some ice cream?

519
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,335
Yeah. From that case
right there.
Yeah!

520
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,836
Ice cream. Yummy.
Good idea, girls.

521
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,038
Freezer Frankenstein!

522
00:20:06,071 --> 00:20:08,775
(yelling)
Oh. Uh. Whoo. Oh. Whoa.

523
00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:10,477
(passing gas, laughter)

524
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,382
Lin, you fell into a pile
of maxi pads, and you farted.

525
00:20:15,414 --> 00:20:16,915
It's pretty funny.

526
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,518
It wasn't funny!
Everyone laughed at me.

527
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,019
Yeah.
Yup.
Yup.

528
00:20:20,051 --> 00:20:21,921
And then I had to buy
all those maxi pads.

529
00:20:21,953 --> 00:20:24,423
Oh, it's gonna take me
weeks to get through those!

530
00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:27,058
And then I farted again when
they handed me my bags.

531
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:28,528
Mom, it was perfect.
Don't you see?

532
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,096
I'm proud of you!

533
00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:32,064
You farted your way
into our hearts, Mom.

534
00:20:32,097 --> 00:20:33,400
Okay. It was...
it was funny.

535
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:35,701
It was funny. (laughs)

536
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:37,236
So, we aren't
grounded anymore?

537
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:38,605
Tell you what. You're
grounded for tonight,

538
00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:40,573
and you all have
to watch TV with me.

539
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:41,907
All right,
it's something.

540
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,476
And we're gonna watch
whatever I want,

541
00:20:43,509 --> 00:20:45,311
and we're gonna be
a big snuggle sandwich.

542
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:48,247
I'm the cheese, right in the
middle, and everyone likes me!

543
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,816
Wait, where are you going?
We're not closed.

544
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:51,317
We-we don't close
for hours.
Bye, Dad!

545
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,118
Wai-wai-wai-wait.
Don't close the d...

546
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:55,887
They closed the door.
I should have gone with Gayle.

547
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:59,959
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org