1
00:00:02,611 --> 00:00:04,439
BOB: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

2
00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:06,745
Uh-oh. You looking at the kids'
Christmas lists again?

3
00:00:06,918 --> 00:00:08,095
Binders, Lin.

4
00:00:08,269 --> 00:00:09,922
They put them in binders
this year.

5
00:00:10,096 --> 00:00:12,794
I-I think we need to explain
to them what "poor" means.

6
00:00:12,968 --> 00:00:15,624
You're putting too much pressure
on yourself. On both of us.

7
00:00:15,798 --> 00:00:17,887
We're so poor, Lin!
And it's Christmas!

8
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:19,410
Again! It keeps coming!

9
00:00:19,583 --> 00:00:21,282
It never stops!Okay okay.

10
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,760
[takes a deep breath]Calm down.

11
00:00:22,934 --> 00:00:24,111
It's just, sometimes
this holiday

12
00:00:24,285 --> 00:00:26,286
makes me feel like
I'm a failure.

13
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,332
Hey, hey, hey.
You kiss Santa with that mouth?

14
00:00:28,506 --> 00:00:30,117
Come on. Look,
we'll do all we can,

15
00:00:30,291 --> 00:00:31,987
and it'll be fine.
Besides, you know

16
00:00:32,161 --> 00:00:33,642
what the greatest gift
of all is?

17
00:00:33,816 --> 00:00:35,252
Family.

18
00:00:35,426 --> 00:00:37,167
You say that to the kids
with a straight face.

19
00:00:37,341 --> 00:00:39,343
Yeah, I know.
I was just trying it out.

20
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,301
What about
"Christmas is for closers?"

21
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,042
Um, needs a little work.

22
00:00:43,216 --> 00:00:45,348
Well, we'll figure it out.
And the kids will be okay.

23
00:00:45,523 --> 00:00:48,091
They know it's not all about
Christmas presents. They know.

24
00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:49,832
Christmas presents countdown,

25
00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:53,140
now at: six days,
ten hours, 35 minutes.

26
00:00:53,314 --> 00:00:54,618
Oh, my God.

27
00:00:54,792 --> 00:00:56,012
I'm not gonna make it!

28
00:00:56,185 --> 00:00:58,014
Gene, be strong.
Be my big strong boy.

29
00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,798
[door jingles]You guys, look what I found

30
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,451
on sale at the store?

31
00:01:01,625 --> 00:01:03,628
These light-up
Christmas necklaces!

32
00:01:03,801 --> 00:01:05,629
They were only
a buck 99 for five.

33
00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:07,718
Can you believe that
unbelievable bargain?

34
00:01:07,893 --> 00:01:09,156
I mean, I want to.

35
00:01:09,329 --> 00:01:10,331
Well, I think it's a sign

36
00:01:10,504 --> 00:01:11,635
that this is the year.

37
00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:12,811
The year of Belcher family

38
00:01:12,984 --> 00:01:14,204
Christmas caroling!

39
00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:15,379
Ooh!
Oh, no.

40
00:01:15,552 --> 00:01:16,466
Ugh, caroling?

41
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:17,859
Mom, we've had this talk.

42
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:19,426
We're just not
those kind of people.

43
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,950
I mean, those people get
their clothes dry-cleaned,

44
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,126
they floss...

45
00:01:23,299 --> 00:01:24,474
You know, honkies.

46
00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:25,998
Well, count this honky

47
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:27,043
♪ In. ♪

48
00:01:27,216 --> 00:01:28,131
That's the spirit!

49
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:29,218
Come on, guys!

50
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:30,655
We'll go out to the suburbs,

51
00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:32,308
to a nice street
with pretty lights,

52
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:34,093
where people
will give us hot cocoa,

53
00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:36,008
and cider
with real cinnamon in it.

54
00:01:36,182 --> 00:01:37,358
Wait. Hot cocoa?

55
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:38,533
La Vida Mocha?

56
00:01:38,706 --> 00:01:40,055
I call it naughty mud.

57
00:01:40,229 --> 00:01:41,536
I just call it hot cocoa.

58
00:01:41,710 --> 00:01:43,189
I didn't know we
had cool names for it.

59
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:44,712
And people will want to join us,

60
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,409
and our group
will get bigger and bigger

61
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,194
until it's hands across America,

62
00:01:48,368 --> 00:01:50,718
singing carols
and saving mankind.

63
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,546
Oh! Amity the albino
polar bear cub!

64
00:01:52,721 --> 00:01:54,243
He's on the news again!Turn it up, damn it!

65
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,680
OLSEN BENNER:
Amity, the albino polar bear cub

66
00:01:56,854 --> 00:01:59,335
born at the Bog Harbor Zoo
only a few days ago,

67
00:01:59,509 --> 00:02:01,076
is being called
a Christmas bear-icle.

68
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:02,557
KIDS:
Aww.

69
00:02:02,730 --> 00:02:04,906
Amity makes non-albino
polar bear cubs

70
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:06,430
look like a sick joke!

71
00:02:06,603 --> 00:02:08,736
Ugh! He's so cute
it disgusts me!

72
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:12,218
Oh! "Christmas bear-icle"!
I just got it.

73
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,611
Come on, Bob,
time to go caroling.

74
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,526
[door jingles]Teddy, lookin' good.

75
00:02:16,700 --> 00:02:18,138
Yup. It's a shame
I can only wear

76
00:02:18,312 --> 00:02:19,877
this sweater four months
out of the year.

77
00:02:20,051 --> 00:02:22,098
[phone rings]Bob's Burgers.

78
00:02:22,271 --> 00:02:24,579
Bob. It's your favorite
landlord, Calvin Fischoeder.

79
00:02:24,752 --> 00:02:26,276
Oh hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

80
00:02:26,449 --> 00:02:28,235
Bob, I need you to deliver
some food to my house.

81
00:02:28,408 --> 00:02:29,800
I'm having a little party,
nothing weird,

82
00:02:29,974 --> 00:02:31,281
so just bring whatever.

83
00:02:31,454 --> 00:02:32,716
Mr. Fischoeder, actually,
I'm about to go

84
00:02:32,890 --> 00:02:34,371
caroling with my family, so...

85
00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:36,025
What? Why? Never mind.

86
00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:37,765
Bob, I don't want
to play the landlord card here,

87
00:02:37,939 --> 00:02:39,201
but actually, I do.

88
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:41,421
Oh, okay.
How much food do you need?

89
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:42,944
Oh, I don't know.
Just... just bring...

90
00:02:43,118 --> 00:02:45,121
five or six foods.
Over and out.

91
00:02:45,295 --> 00:02:48,254
So, Mr. Fischoeder wants me
to bring food over to his house.

92
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:49,777
He's having a party.

93
00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:52,127
Nothing weird, he said,
which is troubling.

94
00:02:52,301 --> 00:02:54,913
Ugh! It's definitely
a human sacrifice party.

95
00:02:55,086 --> 00:02:56,610
Or a sensual
grown-up party.

96
00:02:56,784 --> 00:02:58,742
Dad, you need a Venetian mask
and a thong, stat!

97
00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:00,135
Stop it.
Aw, Bob.

98
00:03:00,310 --> 00:03:01,572
What about caroling?

99
00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:03,008
Well, we'll just
drop off some burgers,

100
00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:04,270
and then we'll go afterwards.[coughs]

101
00:03:04,444 --> 00:03:05,794
You're getting sacrificed.Oh!

102
00:03:05,967 --> 00:03:07,403
Bob would be great
at getting sacrificed.

103
00:03:07,578 --> 00:03:08,752
He's got the body for it.

104
00:03:08,926 --> 00:03:10,058
Mm-hmm.

105
00:03:10,233 --> 00:03:12,800
♪ ♪

106
00:03:12,974 --> 00:03:14,105
Okay, I'll be right back.

107
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,890
And they never saw him again.

108
00:03:17,457 --> 00:03:18,502
FELIX:
What's the password?

109
00:03:18,675 --> 00:03:19,764
Uh, it's Bob. I'm just here

110
00:03:19,937 --> 00:03:21,157
to drop off some food.

111
00:03:21,330 --> 00:03:22,985
That's not it.Felix, let me in.

112
00:03:23,158 --> 00:03:24,639
Okay, fine, but
if anyone asks,

113
00:03:24,812 --> 00:03:26,293
you totally knew
the password was

114
00:03:26,466 --> 00:03:27,990
"pee-pee, poo-poo,
one, two, three, four."

115
00:03:28,163 --> 00:03:29,295
They're all down in the dungeon.

116
00:03:29,469 --> 00:03:30,514
It's what we call the basement.

117
00:03:30,687 --> 00:03:31,514
Oh, boy.

118
00:03:31,688 --> 00:03:33,430
♪ ♪

119
00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:38,956
Oh, God. Please don't be
something horrible.

120
00:03:39,131 --> 00:03:40,829
Oh, they're gonna cover me
with candy and eat me.

121
00:03:41,002 --> 00:03:42,177
Bob!

122
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,180
Welcome to the Gingerbread
Gentlemen's

123
00:03:44,353 --> 00:03:46,574
Annual Gingerbread House
Competition.

124
00:03:46,747 --> 00:03:49,140
Everyone, meet this year's
guest competitor, Bob.

125
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:50,317
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.

126
00:03:50,490 --> 00:03:51,795
I... don't understand.

127
00:03:51,969 --> 00:03:53,537
I'm just here
to drop off the food.

128
00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:55,016
[laughing]:
Oh, Bob.

129
00:03:55,191 --> 00:03:56,800
You're always doing
that confused

130
00:03:56,974 --> 00:03:59,021
food delivery man business.

131
00:03:59,194 --> 00:04:01,675
[stammers] And I get
why-- it's hysterical.

132
00:04:01,849 --> 00:04:03,330
Now, come with me,
and let's, uh,

133
00:04:03,503 --> 00:04:05,506
get you into your tuxedo.
Come, come, come...

134
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,855
Mr. Fischoeder,
what is going on?

135
00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:08,986
Hey.
Listen.

136
00:04:09,161 --> 00:04:10,510
how are you at building

137
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:11,902
gingerbread houses?

138
00:04:12,076 --> 00:04:13,426
Well, actually, not bad.

139
00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,211
My mom and I used
to build them together

140
00:04:15,384 --> 00:04:17,518
before she died.
It was kind of our thing...

141
00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:19,040
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
okay, okay, okay.

142
00:04:19,214 --> 00:04:20,129
Forget about all that,
because I want you

143
00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,478
to enter this contest, and lose.

144
00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:24,394
What? Why?Because every year,

145
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:26,831
every damn year, I lose.

146
00:04:27,004 --> 00:04:28,050
You wouldn't think it
by the looks of them,

147
00:04:28,223 --> 00:04:29,442
but those men out there

148
00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:30,922
[stuttering]:
those, there are, so...

149
00:04:31,096 --> 00:04:33,490
Well, they are some
creative bastards.

150
00:04:33,663 --> 00:04:35,362
O-Okay. I should
really get going.

151
00:04:35,536 --> 00:04:38,060
Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup...But, oh, hey, uh, okay.

152
00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:41,019
Where is he? All right, while
we're waiting, let's warm up.

153
00:04:41,192 --> 00:04:43,413
Now repeat after me:
Ang-ang-ang-ang-ang.

154
00:04:43,586 --> 00:04:46,850
ALL:
Ang-ang-ang-ang-ang-ang-ang.

155
00:04:47,024 --> 00:04:48,418
[groans]
Mr. Fischoeder, I...

156
00:04:48,591 --> 00:04:50,899
can't Felix lose for you?What? No!

157
00:04:51,072 --> 00:04:53,074
He wishes.
Only the eldest son

158
00:04:53,249 --> 00:04:55,730
in each founding family
is allowed to compete.

159
00:04:55,903 --> 00:04:57,687
Well, then, why would
I be allowed to compete?

160
00:04:57,862 --> 00:04:59,516
Because I'm the host
this year, and the host

161
00:04:59,689 --> 00:05:01,778
is allowed to pick
one guest competitor.

162
00:05:01,952 --> 00:05:03,432
I mean, uh, generally they're...

163
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,696
they're a lot richer
and cleaner than you,

164
00:05:05,870 --> 00:05:08,089
but I-I only had this idea
a couple of hours ago,

165
00:05:08,264 --> 00:05:10,613
so, well, here we are. As far
as those guys are concerned,

166
00:05:10,788 --> 00:05:13,661
you're my wealthy, woolly buddy.Uh, listen, sorry,

167
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,271
but I'm supposed to go
caroling with my family.

168
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,579
[grumbles]
You keep saying that.

169
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,231
It's so strange.

170
00:05:20,406 --> 00:05:21,930
Hey, what if
you don't have to pay

171
00:05:22,103 --> 00:05:23,278
the rent next month?Huh.

172
00:05:23,452 --> 00:05:24,889
Mm-hmm.
We could use the money

173
00:05:25,062 --> 00:05:26,761
to get better Christmas
presents for the kids.

174
00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,588
That's not what I'd do,
but sure.

175
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:30,199
Okay. Okay, I-I'll do it.

176
00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:31,634
Fantastic! And...and you're okay

177
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,288
with being killed when you lose?

178
00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:35,072
What?
Oh, I'm just kidding.

179
00:05:35,247 --> 00:05:36,639
Ha. Ha.
Ha. Or am I?

180
00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:39,600
[laughs]
I am.

181
00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:45,432
Mr. Fischoeder wants you to lose
a gingerbread house contest?

182
00:05:45,605 --> 00:05:47,216
But we need your
beautiful soprano voice.

183
00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:48,608
We need it to do the song

184
00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:50,218
"You Can't Spell
Christmas Without Us."

185
00:05:50,393 --> 00:05:51,829
It's a classic.

186
00:05:52,002 --> 00:05:54,136
I mean, I'm not a soprano,
but if I do this,

187
00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:55,745
we won't have to pay rent
next month.

188
00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,444
[quietly]: And we can
use that money to buy

189
00:05:57,617 --> 00:05:59,620
you-know-whats
for the you-know-whos.

190
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,012
[quietly]:
Who are the you-know-whos?

191
00:06:01,185 --> 00:06:02,536
[whispers]:
Yeah, who are they?

192
00:06:02,709 --> 00:06:04,668
Hey, Whispering Willies,
I'm going with Dad.

193
00:06:04,841 --> 00:06:07,278
I want to see this gingerbread
competition madness.

194
00:06:07,454 --> 00:06:09,281
Me, too.
Yeah, Dad, we could
cheer you on.

195
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:11,196
Like "Dad, Dad,
he's our man.

196
00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:13,197
If he can't do it,
that's good."

197
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:14,809
No, kids.
Y-You go with your mom.

198
00:06:14,983 --> 00:06:17,115
Caroling will be... fun, too.

199
00:06:17,288 --> 00:06:18,987
Okay, well, sold me.

200
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,031
I bought it.Kids, I want you to know

201
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:23,338
I'm not trying to replace your
father while we're caroling.

202
00:06:23,512 --> 00:06:25,646
But if you so choose,
you may call me Caroling Dad.

203
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,168
Thanks, Teddy.
All right.

204
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,997
Well, we'll go caroling
around this neighborhood

205
00:06:29,170 --> 00:06:31,173
and then we'll meet
you back here, Bob.
Okay.

206
00:06:31,346 --> 00:06:32,653
Good luck losing, Dad!

207
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:33,827
You're in your element.

208
00:06:34,002 --> 00:06:35,872
Do I, uh, look all right?

209
00:06:36,047 --> 00:06:37,483
Yeah. I mean, there's nothing
we can do about your face.

210
00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:39,050
And your hair.
Hmm.

211
00:06:39,223 --> 00:06:41,356
So, how-how do you
want me to lose?
Simple.

212
00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,576
If your house falls down,
it's disqualified.

213
00:06:43,750 --> 00:06:46,187
So, just build it really tall
and extremely unstable,

214
00:06:46,362 --> 00:06:48,146
like-like,
some of my properties.

215
00:06:48,319 --> 00:06:49,495
What?Well,
[clears throat]

216
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,192
Not your place.
[chuckles]

217
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,413
Yeah, you're fine.
Anyway, right before the end,

218
00:06:53,586 --> 00:06:55,023
down goes your house,
the judge declares a winner

219
00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:56,720
and a loser,
which won't be me, and bing.

220
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:57,981
It's over.[opens door]

221
00:06:58,156 --> 00:06:59,331
The judge? What-what judge?

222
00:06:59,505 --> 00:07:00,680
Godfrey-- the same
guy who's been

223
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:02,204
judging this thing
since the beginning.

224
00:07:02,377 --> 00:07:03,987
BOB:
Wow. He is old.

225
00:07:04,161 --> 00:07:05,598
Is he alive?

226
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:06,730
That's a good question.
Let's find out.

227
00:07:06,903 --> 00:07:07,862
[yelling]:
Godfrey!

228
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:08,992
[shrieks]There he is.

229
00:07:09,166 --> 00:07:10,254
[shrieks]

230
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,300
Now, let's introduce everyone.

231
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:12,300
This is August Scharffenheimer.

232
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:13,606
We all call him Auggie.

233
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,564
[German accent]:
I do not like it.

234
00:07:15,738 --> 00:07:17,740
And this is downtown
Randolph Brackenbrown.

235
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,002
BOB: Wow, You are

236
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:21,091
really arching your eyebrow.

237
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,050
Yes, I'm in fierce
competition mode.

238
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,487
Also, it's a medical thing.

239
00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:26,009
I can't always lower it

240
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,750
[straining]:
when I want to.

241
00:07:27,925 --> 00:07:28,752
And finally,

242
00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:30,362
Samuel Summerbottom.

243
00:07:30,536 --> 00:07:32,668
I like my houses
like I like my women--

244
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,409
sturdy and ginger.

245
00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:36,673
Okay.And Bob, as you know,
I'm Felix,

246
00:07:36,846 --> 00:07:38,108
and I'm not jealous
of you at all.

247
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:40,154
[laughs]
Isn't that nice?

248
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,766
So, Bob, just put your guns on
the gun table, and we can begin.

249
00:07:42,939 --> 00:07:45,202
Oh, I, I didn't
bring any guns.

250
00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:46,944
No guns. Okay.
Interesting. Well,

251
00:07:47,117 --> 00:07:49,730
let's get started.Haven't you forgotten something?

252
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,731
We can't really start
until last year's loser

253
00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:53,560
puts on the loser hat.

254
00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:54,778
[groans]

255
00:07:54,951 --> 00:07:56,737
Calvin has to wear it
every year.

256
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:58,042
It's an old bed pan.

257
00:07:58,216 --> 00:07:59,870
It's very shameful.
[laughs]

258
00:08:00,043 --> 00:08:02,569
[mocking laughter]BOB:
Yikes.

259
00:08:02,742 --> 00:08:04,439
♪ ♪

260
00:08:04,613 --> 00:08:06,615
Wow. Mr. Fischoeder's
neighborhood

261
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,096
really is beautiful.

262
00:08:08,269 --> 00:08:09,401
Yeah.
[whistles]

263
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,315
Whoa, except for
that poor thing.

264
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:13,754
LINDA: Oh yeah, what's going on
with that? Ugh.

265
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,538
Oh, man, I know that place.

266
00:08:15,711 --> 00:08:17,800
I've heard crazy stories
about the guy that lives there.

267
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:20,281
Stories not suitable
for children.

268
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,630
Like what, Teddy?Okay, I'll tell you.

269
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:22,632
See all those bedsheets

270
00:08:22,805 --> 00:08:23,980
up in the windows?

271
00:08:24,154 --> 00:08:24,981
He puts those up there

272
00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:26,548
to hide his evil deeds.

273
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,245
Bathroom stuff?Murder!

274
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:29,944
Huh.His parents used to
live there with him.

275
00:08:30,117 --> 00:08:31,641
But where are they now?Florida?

276
00:08:31,814 --> 00:08:33,687
Murdered! A delivery man
went in there once,

277
00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:35,993
never came out.
What happened to him?

278
00:08:36,167 --> 00:08:37,821
They got married?Murdered!

279
00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:39,649
Aah...They say he buried them all
in the backyard,

280
00:08:39,822 --> 00:08:41,476
and then he just went
right on murdering.

281
00:08:41,650 --> 00:08:44,306
Murder, murder, murder, murder,
murder-- hello, sir--murder!

282
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,525
All right, Teddy, you convinced
me, let's go there.

283
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:48,484
No! What? The murder!
The murder part.

284
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,834
Teddy, stop with your stories.
You're ruining the vibe.

285
00:08:51,008 --> 00:08:53,140
Come on, let's go carol
the crap out of this place!

286
00:08:53,315 --> 00:08:56,710
Yeah! I came here for hot
chocolate, not notchocolate.

287
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,754
FISCHOEDER:
I got to say, gentlemen,

288
00:08:58,928 --> 00:09:00,365
I'm feeling good
about this year.

289
00:09:00,539 --> 00:09:01,802
Tell that to your potty head.

290
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,977
Ha! Classic ginger boom.

291
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:05,631
Ha, ha, ha. Felix!

292
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:06,807
I need more frosting.

293
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,634
Coming! Here we go.

294
00:09:08,808 --> 00:09:09,809
Frosting, Calvin?

295
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:11,332
More like losting.

296
00:09:11,506 --> 00:09:13,856
Ha! Another incredible
ginger boom.

297
00:09:14,030 --> 00:09:15,032
[nervous laughs]

298
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,643
Uh, look at Bob...

299
00:09:16,817 --> 00:09:17,947
uh, in general. I mean,

300
00:09:18,121 --> 00:09:19,297
that's bad, right?

301
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:20,647
His whole deal? Ugh!

302
00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:22,822
Uh. Okay. So, what's, uh,

303
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,738
everybody's Christmas plans?

304
00:09:24,912 --> 00:09:27,740
I was going to buy an island
and flip it. Literally.

305
00:09:27,914 --> 00:09:29,437
I'm going to have my cash
washed and waxed.

306
00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:30,918
It really needs it.

307
00:09:31,091 --> 00:09:33,528
I'm going to treat myself
to a new penis.

308
00:09:33,702 --> 00:09:36,357
Okay. So... no one's spending it
with family?

309
00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,142
No way. Ha.
Nope.
No.

310
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:40,144
Wait, what about
your brother, Felix?

311
00:09:40,317 --> 00:09:42,058
Oh, right. Him.

312
00:09:42,232 --> 00:09:44,975
Oh, uh, look! I have this,
uh, extra plate under my arm.

313
00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,498
Maybe I could just,
uh, join you guys...

314
00:09:46,673 --> 00:09:47,673
Felix, no!

315
00:09:47,847 --> 00:09:49,066
All right, here I go.

316
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,286
Oh, I can't wait
for that prize to be mine.

317
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:52,504
There's a prize?

318
00:09:52,678 --> 00:09:53,897
You didn't know? We chipped in

319
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:55,855
and made
an obscenely large donation

320
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,032
to the Bog Harbor Zoo to procure

321
00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,337
a private Christmas Day
cuddle session

322
00:10:00,511 --> 00:10:02,731
with Amity the albino
polar bear cub.

323
00:10:02,905 --> 00:10:04,865
He's the "it" bear right now.

324
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,169
He's so fuzzy.

325
00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:07,649
Wow. My kids would love that.

326
00:10:07,823 --> 00:10:09,173
Why?
Uh, because...

327
00:10:09,346 --> 00:10:11,044
kids love baby animals?

328
00:10:11,219 --> 00:10:13,264
I don't think that's right.Uh, they, they do.

329
00:10:13,437 --> 00:10:15,875
Why do you guys want
to cuddle a polar bear?

330
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,833
An albino polar bear cub cuddle

331
00:10:18,008 --> 00:10:20,096
is a very
prestigious cuddle, Bob.

332
00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:23,057
I've cuddled a rhino baby,
a tiger baby,

333
00:10:23,230 --> 00:10:26,364
and now I may cuddle
an albino polar bear baby.

334
00:10:26,538 --> 00:10:28,192
That's such a good
order to do it in.

335
00:10:28,365 --> 00:10:30,412
Thank you.Pay no attention
to Bob, everybody.

336
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,109
He's not smart--
ginger boom.

337
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:34,067
He's also pear-shaped--
ginger boom.

338
00:10:34,241 --> 00:10:37,114
If a pear could be dumb
and bad at things.

339
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:38,681
Ha, ha. You know what I mean?[chortles]

340
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:41,118
A dumb pear.Pears are the worst.

341
00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:44,426
[singing "Deck the Halls"]
♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la. ♪

342
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,687
Okay. Thank you.

343
00:10:45,861 --> 00:10:47,211
And we will take
our hot cocoa now.

344
00:10:47,384 --> 00:10:48,604
So, thank you.

345
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,911
Sorry, I don't have any.BOTH: What?!

346
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:52,433
Cider?No.

347
00:10:52,607 --> 00:10:53,783
Cinnamon?Afraid not.

348
00:10:53,956 --> 00:10:55,219
What about hot cocoa?

349
00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:56,437
Again, no.

350
00:10:56,611 --> 00:10:57,394
Damn it!Then we don't have

351
00:10:57,568 --> 00:10:59,048
any caroling for you, pal.

352
00:10:59,222 --> 00:11:00,572
Well, I mean,
you already did it.

353
00:11:00,746 --> 00:11:02,923
Oh, did we?
Yeah, we did.

354
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,620
[out of sync]: ♪ Fa la la la la
la la la la ♪

355
00:11:05,794 --> 00:11:07,100
Okay, good night, then.

356
00:11:07,274 --> 00:11:08,754
No, no, no, no.
Now you join in.

357
00:11:08,928 --> 00:11:10,234
Oh, uh...

358
00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,932
♪ Hark, the angel
Harold sings ♪

359
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,412
Grab your coats.
Come on out.

360
00:11:14,586 --> 00:11:16,240
Whoops, the door
is closing.

361
00:11:16,413 --> 00:11:18,590
♪ About all the
Christmas things ♪

362
00:11:18,764 --> 00:11:20,288
Okay, bye-bye, then.Everybody.

363
00:11:20,461 --> 00:11:22,942
♪ Peace on Earth
and salsa mild ♪

364
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:25,772
♪ La la la la ♪MAN: Uh, great.

365
00:11:25,946 --> 00:11:28,338
Wait. Come with us.
Join our Christmas Crusade!

366
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:31,298
I just want to
shut this on you.

367
00:11:31,472 --> 00:11:33,605
Unh. Aw, sugar plumbs![lights sizzle]

368
00:11:33,779 --> 00:11:36,129
Um, where are all
the candy wafers?

369
00:11:36,303 --> 00:11:37,913
Auggie, you're
hogging them aren't you?

370
00:11:38,087 --> 00:11:39,610
You're a hoggie
Auggie.

371
00:11:39,786 --> 00:11:42,397
Look who's talking, Mr. Too
Many Jelly Fruit Slices.

372
00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:45,008
Samuel, what are you building
with those mini marshmallows?

373
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:46,356
Oh, just a mini snowman.

374
00:11:46,530 --> 00:11:48,097
Damn, that's brilliant.

375
00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:50,274
So you're just sticking
peppermints everywhere, then?

376
00:11:50,447 --> 00:11:51,711
Uh, yeah.

377
00:11:51,884 --> 00:11:54,017
It's uh,
some ornamental filigree.

378
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:56,498
Bob, I got to say
your gingerbread scoring

379
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,673
is exquisite.Oh, uh, thank you.

380
00:11:58,847 --> 00:12:00,937
You just got to
be firm but gentle.

381
00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:02,677
Show us.Um, okay.

382
00:12:02,851 --> 00:12:03,940
I don't think
that's necessary.

383
00:12:04,114 --> 00:12:05,506
Potty head, shush.Mmm...

384
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:07,509
Ah, so firm but
so gentle.

385
00:12:07,682 --> 00:12:09,597
Uh-huh. And does your
big fat belly

386
00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:11,207
get in the way, Bob?

387
00:12:11,381 --> 00:12:12,861
Uh, no, it-it doesn't.

388
00:12:13,035 --> 00:12:14,515
And what about your
body odor, Bob?

389
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,038
Do you find that distracting?

390
00:12:16,212 --> 00:12:17,998
I mean, it's like
your armpits threw up.

391
00:12:18,172 --> 00:12:18,999
Whoa!Oh, my.

392
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,347
Uh, okay, easy.

393
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,393
You smell like
a stevedore's shorts.

394
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:23,698
You smell like failure.

395
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,527
Like stinky
failure farts.

396
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,181
Okay, that's it. Calvin,
can I have a word with you

397
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:28,703
in the other room?Sure.

398
00:12:28,878 --> 00:12:30,966
Look, I'm doing you
a favor, Mr. Fischoeder.

399
00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:32,229
You can't treat me
like this.

400
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,360
What's the matter, Bob,

401
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:34,491
can't handle
my garbage mouth?

402
00:12:34,665 --> 00:12:35,884
You mean trash talk?

403
00:12:36,058 --> 00:12:37,017
Trash talk, garbage mouth,
ginger booms--

404
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,408
It's all the same thing.

405
00:12:38,582 --> 00:12:39,628
And it's part of
the gingerbread game, Bob,

406
00:12:39,802 --> 00:12:40,889
so get used to it.

407
00:12:41,063 --> 00:12:42,196
Well, get used to this!

408
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,544
I'm gonna take you down.

409
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,024
I'm gonna try
to win this thing.

410
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,895
My kids would love
that polar bear cuddle.

411
00:12:47,070 --> 00:12:49,028
That would be an amazing
Christmas present!

412
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,161
What? No, no.
We have a deal.

413
00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:52,989
The deal's off,
Mr. Fischoeder.

414
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:54,860
Oh, and do you know who's
going to lose this contest?

415
00:12:55,034 --> 00:12:57,341
You are, potty head!

416
00:12:57,514 --> 00:12:59,125
How's that for
garbage mouth?

417
00:12:59,299 --> 00:13:01,215
Pretty good, actually.
Wait, Bob, come back.

418
00:13:01,389 --> 00:13:03,173
Auggie, pass me
the gumdrops.

419
00:13:03,346 --> 00:13:05,653
AUGGIE: Okay.
You don't have to shout.

420
00:13:07,743 --> 00:13:10,876
Uh-oh, looks like
someone's re-jigger-breading.

421
00:13:11,051 --> 00:13:12,529
And with so little
time left.

422
00:13:12,703 --> 00:13:13,836
Pretty ballsy, Bob.

423
00:13:14,009 --> 00:13:15,576
Well, I had this
sudden inspiration,

424
00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:16,751
and I'm gonna
go for it,

425
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:19,058
since I'm in it to win it.

426
00:13:19,232 --> 00:13:21,104
Ah, that is such
a cool expression.

427
00:13:21,278 --> 00:13:23,453
Think about what
you're doing, Bob.

428
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:25,195
Oh, I have thought
about it.

429
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:26,761
Well, have you
thought about this?

430
00:13:26,936 --> 00:13:28,458
Ow! Stop pinching
my thigh.

431
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,721
Stop putting your thigh
between my fingers.

432
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,594
[grunting]
Oh, the thrills

433
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,769
of gingerbread house
competition.

434
00:13:34,943 --> 00:13:37,076
LINDA:
What's wrong with these people?

435
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,774
A bunch of Christmas
crumb bums.

436
00:13:38,947 --> 00:13:40,950
Aw, maybe we should
just pack it in.

437
00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:42,951
Go home and drink the kind
of hot cocoa that's wine.

438
00:13:43,125 --> 00:13:45,432
Wait, if we're not gonna
get any cocoa,

439
00:13:45,606 --> 00:13:46,956
the only thing that's
gonna make this worthwhile

440
00:13:47,129 --> 00:13:49,480
is going to that
creepy, dark house.

441
00:13:49,653 --> 00:13:50,786
No, no, no, no, no.
no, no, no, no, no.

442
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,440
I-I got stuff to live for.

443
00:13:52,614 --> 00:13:54,789
I have a pair of pants
on layaway at the mall.

444
00:13:54,963 --> 00:13:56,096
Doesn't anyone
want to check out

445
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,140
this crazy killer?
I mean,

446
00:13:58,315 --> 00:14:00,447
bring Christmas spirit
to this poor guy.

447
00:14:00,621 --> 00:14:02,231
You're right.
Okay, let's do it.

448
00:14:02,405 --> 00:14:03,798
But if we get murdered,
don't tell your father.

449
00:14:03,972 --> 00:14:06,019
Fine, go. I'll be
right behind you.

450
00:14:06,192 --> 00:14:08,282
Protecting you,
in the back, where it's safe.

451
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,811
Okay, I'll just ring the bell.

452
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:17,595
Huh.

453
00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:19,770
Guess he's not home.Hello.

454
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:21,773
[screaming]

455
00:14:21,947 --> 00:14:23,774
Okay, Bob, you got this.
Ow!

456
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,951
A chance to give your kids
the best Christmas ever.

457
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:27,301
No pressure. Ow!

458
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:29,476
Just ignore Mr. Fischoeder.
Ow!

459
00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:30,565
Oh, is this not helpful?

460
00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:31,479
Hey, where did all the tiny

461
00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,220
candy canes go? Auggie!

462
00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:35,875
What? I needed them
for my tiny candy cane trees.

463
00:14:36,048 --> 00:14:38,181
But how the hell will my
"candy cripples" walk?

464
00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:39,703
Wait, there was one
chocolate Santa left.

465
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,532
I need him.
I need chocolate Santa!

466
00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:44,013
Oh, I may have eaten him.

467
00:14:44,187 --> 00:14:45,841
You son of a bitch![alarm chiming]

468
00:14:46,014 --> 00:14:48,669
Aah! Time's up.
Contest over.

469
00:14:48,844 --> 00:14:50,019
Oh, nuts!

470
00:14:50,192 --> 00:14:52,152
Why did we hide
instead of keep running?

471
00:14:52,326 --> 00:14:53,674
I don't know.
I panicked.

472
00:14:53,849 --> 00:14:55,807
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
This is how we die.

473
00:14:55,981 --> 00:14:58,679
I knew it. I knew it was
gonna be like this-- I'm sorry.

474
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:00,333
Mom, you're great
in a crisis.

475
00:15:00,508 --> 00:15:01,725
There you are.[all scream]

476
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:03,684
Wait. Please don't
run away again.

477
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,860
Sorry about the knife.
I was chopping hazelnuts

478
00:15:06,034 --> 00:15:07,341
for a winter salad.

479
00:15:07,514 --> 00:15:10,125
You're carolers, right?
I love carolers.

480
00:15:10,299 --> 00:15:12,693
Love killing them, or...What?

481
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,303
Nothing.Okay great talk, bye.

482
00:15:14,477 --> 00:15:17,003
No. We are carolers,

483
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:20,222
and we will sing
for you, right? Right?

484
00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:21,658
Ah, great.

485
00:15:21,832 --> 00:15:22,833
Why don't you come
a little closer

486
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,139
so I can hear you better?

487
00:15:24,313 --> 00:15:25,663
LINDA:
Uh, sure...

488
00:15:25,836 --> 00:15:27,621
[all muttering]

489
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:28,840
A little closer.

490
00:15:29,014 --> 00:15:30,451
[all groaning]

491
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:32,975
Boy, you guys are some
small-stepping carolers, huh?

492
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:34,149
Thanks.

493
00:15:34,323 --> 00:15:36,543
Judging, judging...

494
00:15:36,717 --> 00:15:38,720
Auggie, if I don't win,
it's on you.

495
00:15:38,894 --> 00:15:39,894
Oh, is that right,
Randolph,

496
00:15:40,068 --> 00:15:41,331
the Big-Nose Crybaby?

497
00:15:41,504 --> 00:15:43,332
What about you,
you Santa snacker?

498
00:15:43,506 --> 00:15:44,725
He was delicious!

499
00:15:44,899 --> 00:15:46,466
You are so lucky
all my guns are

500
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,209
on the gun table, and I'm not
concealing any weapons.

501
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:50,861
So are you, mister.

502
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,559
[all three grunting]

503
00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:54,692
Here we go.Aah, what's happening?

504
00:15:54,865 --> 00:15:55,823
We're pointing guns
at each other's

505
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:56,868
gingerbread houses, obviously.

506
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:58,217
Come on, Bob, keep up.

507
00:15:58,392 --> 00:15:59,174
Where were you even
hiding that?

508
00:15:59,349 --> 00:16:00,220
Let's just say I have

509
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:01,655
a high butt crack.

510
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,004
Well, if everybody's
doing it, whoop!

511
00:16:03,178 --> 00:16:04,354
Ha ha. Aah!

512
00:16:04,528 --> 00:16:05,876
Felix, don't you grab a gun.

513
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,269
We're having a moment here.

514
00:16:07,443 --> 00:16:09,097
You think you're
so great, Calvin,

515
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:12,144
just because you came out
of Mommy's hootenanny before me!

516
00:16:12,318 --> 00:16:14,321
Everybody just calm down.
I mean, come on,

517
00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:16,758
it's just a stupid
gingerbread house contest.

518
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:18,716
OTHERS: What?!Aah! Don't point at me.

519
00:16:18,889 --> 00:16:20,892
Back at the houses.
Back at the houses!

520
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,068
♪ In a one-horse
open sleigh ♪

521
00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:24,418
LINDA: Okay, good night.ALL: Bye.

522
00:16:24,591 --> 00:16:26,724
Wait, do you know this one?LINDA: What?

523
00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:31,816
[singing in falsetto voice]:
♪ Adeste Fideles ♪

524
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:36,081
♪ Laeti triumphantes ♪

525
00:16:36,255 --> 00:16:39,780
♪ Venite, venite ♪

526
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:44,264
♪ In Bethlehem ♪

527
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,308
Maybe Bob's right.
This is silly.

528
00:16:46,482 --> 00:16:47,615
We should put
our guns away.

529
00:16:47,788 --> 00:16:48,615
Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.

530
00:16:48,789 --> 00:16:50,225
Or, counterpoint.

531
00:16:50,399 --> 00:16:54,751
MAN [singing]:
♪ Natum videte ♪

532
00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:59,322
♪ Regem angelorum ♪

533
00:16:59,495 --> 00:17:03,456
♪ Venite adoremus ♪

534
00:17:03,630 --> 00:17:07,461
♪ Venite adoremus ♪

535
00:17:07,634 --> 00:17:08,766
♪ Venite ♪

536
00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:13,641
♪ Adoremu-uuus ♪

537
00:17:13,815 --> 00:17:18,124
♪ Dominum. ♪

538
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:19,690
Nice pipes.

539
00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:22,476
Uh, thanks. I'm Oscar.
Care for some hot cocoa?

540
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:23,651
Uh-huh.
Yes, please.
Sure.

541
00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:25,653
That sounds good.Yeah!

542
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,135
Well, it finally
happened.

543
00:17:30,309 --> 00:17:31,484
We finally shot up

544
00:17:31,659 --> 00:17:33,051
each other's
gingerbread houses.

545
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,141
I'm honestly surprised
it took until this year.

546
00:17:35,315 --> 00:17:37,708
[laughs]
Well, I just got to say

547
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:40,711
thanks so much for inviting me
to your competition,

548
00:17:40,884 --> 00:17:42,844
where I was almost a casualty

549
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,672
in a gingerbread massacre!

550
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:46,978
Calm down.Yeah, take a chill pill.

551
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,675
Y-You know why
I'm even here?

552
00:17:48,849 --> 00:17:50,503
Because I'm
Mr. Fischoeder's tenant,

553
00:17:50,677 --> 00:17:52,506
and he said I wouldn't
have to pay rent next month

554
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,898
if I lost on purpose.He's lying.

555
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,901
Huh, that's actually
a pretty good idea.

556
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:58,294
Yeah.
Innovative thinking.

557
00:17:58,468 --> 00:17:59,861
Really? Well, then,
he's right.

558
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:02,080
Sick of always being
the loser, huh, Calvin?

559
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:04,647
Yes, I am.
Every year I try,

560
00:18:04,821 --> 00:18:06,301
and every year,
a potty head.

561
00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:07,390
It's a lot of pressure.

562
00:18:07,564 --> 00:18:09,174
Look, I-I understand.

563
00:18:09,348 --> 00:18:10,827
This time of year
can be hard.

564
00:18:11,001 --> 00:18:13,003
I'm under a lot
of pressure myself

565
00:18:13,179 --> 00:18:14,528
trying to figure out
how to give my kids

566
00:18:14,701 --> 00:18:15,789
a good Christmas.

567
00:18:15,963 --> 00:18:17,138
Oh, not that again.
Please, Bob,

568
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:18,183
I'm talking about
real pressure.

569
00:18:18,357 --> 00:18:19,532
Oh, my God.

570
00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:21,970
And Bob's house is
the least destroyed.

571
00:18:22,144 --> 00:18:24,580
So I guess, uh,
Bob wins.

572
00:18:24,755 --> 00:18:25,843
Oh, my God.

573
00:18:26,017 --> 00:18:27,758
So, yeah, in hindsight,

574
00:18:27,932 --> 00:18:29,499
maybe covering all the windows
with bed sheets

575
00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,153
wasn't the best idea.

576
00:18:31,326 --> 00:18:33,286
I thought I was just
being frugal and creative.

577
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:35,983
I guess that kind of stuff does
get the rumor mill grinding.

578
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,289
The rumor mill.

579
00:18:37,463 --> 00:18:38,987
People love to
talk, you know.

580
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:40,380
[chuckles] But they don't
always have the facts.

581
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:42,685
Huh, Tina?
Lookin' at you.What?

582
00:18:42,859 --> 00:18:44,818
Well, Oscar, anyone
with a voice like yours

583
00:18:44,992 --> 00:18:45,863
can't be a murderer.

584
00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:47,038
And even if you are,

585
00:18:47,212 --> 00:18:48,387
you're still okay
in my book.

586
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:49,605
So are you?
I mean, you can tell us.

587
00:18:49,779 --> 00:18:50,606
We're cool.

588
00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:52,218
Uh, no, I'm not.

589
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,262
Damn.You did kill those high notes.

590
00:18:54,436 --> 00:18:56,569
Ooh, Oscar,
go caroling with us.

591
00:18:56,743 --> 00:18:58,223
Oh, and we can finally
do the song,

592
00:18:58,397 --> 00:18:59,921
"You Can't Spell
Christmas Without Us."

593
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:01,227
You can be our soprano.

594
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:03,054
[gasps]:
I'd love to.

595
00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:04,403
Great, but no
killing us, okay?

596
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,101
[chuckles]

597
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,103
Aah, he's got a chain saw!
No, it's just his mug.

598
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:10,105
I can't believe I won.Oh, quit gloating.

599
00:19:10,278 --> 00:19:12,106
Hey, does that mean
the rest of us lost?

600
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,413
Yep, you're all tied
for last place.

601
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:15,588
Well, there's some
good news.

602
00:19:15,762 --> 00:19:16,938
We're all losers.

603
00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:18,330
This is all Bob's fault.

604
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:20,070
He called
the competition stupid,

605
00:19:20,246 --> 00:19:22,116
and I just went into
a blind rage.

606
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:23,423
Same here.

607
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,119
What you said was
really hurtful, Bob.

608
00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:27,122
Yeah, they're called
feelings, Bob, look it up.

609
00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:30,472
[sighs]: You guys, I don't
really think it's stupid.

610
00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:33,998
I actually think this whole
thing is kind of sweet.

611
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,435
You get together every year,
you build gingerbread houses.

612
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:39,829
You even donated to a zoo.
It's nice.

613
00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:42,006
I mean, under that
rich-loner exterior,

614
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:45,270
you're all a bunch of softies
who care about each other.

615
00:19:45,444 --> 00:19:47,272
You're like
a weird little family.

616
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:48,664
Even me?

617
00:19:48,838 --> 00:19:50,798
Uh, yeah, sure,
even you, Godfrey.

618
00:19:50,971 --> 00:19:52,191
I'm the fun one.

619
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,279
And I mean,
it may sound cheesy,

620
00:19:54,453 --> 00:19:56,281
but you know what
the greatest gift of all is?

621
00:19:56,455 --> 00:19:58,806
Family.Oh, barf. Sounds cheesy.

622
00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:01,155
Um, I'm Calvin's
actual family.

623
00:20:01,329 --> 00:20:02,592
Just, uh, want
to point that out.

624
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:04,115
Hey, maybe next year,

625
00:20:04,289 --> 00:20:05,769
we don't even have
to pick a loser, hmm?

626
00:20:05,942 --> 00:20:07,117
That's the best part.No, we're still doing that.

627
00:20:07,292 --> 00:20:08,597
That stays.

628
00:20:08,771 --> 00:20:10,861
Well, until next year,
gentlemen.

629
00:20:11,035 --> 00:20:13,037
What is that awful racket?[muffled singing]

630
00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:15,997
♪ Because we can't
spell Christmas ♪

631
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:18,652
♪ Without us. ♪

632
00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:20,435
RANDOLPH:
Should we shoot them?

633
00:20:22,046 --> 00:20:23,787
[laughter, fawning]

634
00:20:25,571 --> 00:20:26,963
No wonder the ice caps
are melting,

635
00:20:27,137 --> 00:20:28,269
this bear is hot.

636
00:20:28,443 --> 00:20:29,836
I changed my mind
about having kids.

637
00:20:30,010 --> 00:20:31,708
I'm gonna have one,
and feed it to this bear,

638
00:20:31,882 --> 00:20:33,579
'cause I love him
so much.

639
00:20:33,753 --> 00:20:36,670
He's so cute, but it'd be really
hard to get stains off him.

640
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:38,846
Ah, best Christmas
ever, Bob.

641
00:20:39,019 --> 00:20:40,542
Oh, I want to pet him.
I want to pet him.

642
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:42,153
Yeah, can we have
our turn now?

643
00:20:42,327 --> 00:20:43,546
Thanks again for
letting us come, Bob.

644
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,679
Get ready for
the cuddle bug.

645
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:48,637
You know, Bob,
that family of yours,

646
00:20:48,811 --> 00:20:50,336
they're, uh, they're
lucky to have you.

647
00:20:50,509 --> 00:20:52,076
Thanks,
Mr. Fischoeder.

648
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,164
Okay, now you say
something nice about me.

649
00:20:54,339 --> 00:20:56,298
You have pretty... eye?

650
00:20:56,471 --> 00:20:58,082
Sounds like
a line, Bob,

651
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,824
but Merry Christmas.Merry Christmas,
Mr. Fischoeder.

652
00:21:00,998 --> 00:21:03,392
LINDA: ♪ I can spell
Christmas without a U ♪

653
00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:06,394
♪ But that would break
my heart in two♪

654
00:21:06,568 --> 00:21:09,223
♪ You can spell Christmas
without me♪

655
00:21:09,397 --> 00:21:12,096
♪ But that would be
a tragedy ♪

656
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:15,011
♪ We need S and U's
this time of year ♪

657
00:21:15,185 --> 00:21:18,058
♪ Because ♪

658
00:21:18,232 --> 00:21:20,887
♪ Because we can't
spell Christmas ♪

659
00:21:21,061 --> 00:21:25,021
♪ Without "us." ♪

660
00:21:25,195 --> 00:21:28,895
♪ Because we can't
spell Christmas ♪

661
00:21:29,069 --> 00:21:32,247
♪ Without "us." ♪

662
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:33,901
MAN: Thank you.

663
00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:36,903
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH