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♪ ♪

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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Wagstaff's own

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puberty positive players,
The Hormone-iums,

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featuring Tina Belcher.

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[crowd whooping and applauding]

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♪ New friends on your face ♪

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♪ It isn't yucky ♪

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♪ You're breaking out
and you're lucky ♪

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♪ Breaking out♪

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♪ Can't keep it in any more ♪

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♪ Breaking out♪

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♪ You're bursting
out of your pores ♪

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♪ Breaking out♪♪ It's simple ♪

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♪ It's pimples ♪

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♪ You've got inside-out
dimples ♪

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♪ You're... ♪

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♪ Breaking...♪

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♪ Out... ♪

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[crowd cheering]

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Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

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Oh.

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Ooh, my little star

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has a Hormonee-os show today.

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Hormone-iums.

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Ugh, we have
the Internet now,

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do we still have
to listen to songs

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about puberty
during lunch?

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What's the show about this time?

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Changing bodies?

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Aunt Flo?

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We have an Aunt Flo?

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She's missed all my birthdays.

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[sighs]

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We're performing
"Body Hair! Where? There!"

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Tina, you seem upset.
Do you not like that one?

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No, I love it.

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It's just... I've been
in that group for two years,

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and even though I'm totally
over my stage fright now,

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Mr. Frond has never
given me a solo.

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Chorus is just as big a deal
as the solos, sweetie.

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Just because people
don't care about something

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doesn't mean it's not important.

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Thanks, Mom.

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Lost and Found auction time.

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All right!
I'm ready, Linda.

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We got a pager,

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a thermos with something
rattling around inside it.

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Oh, my God, maybe
it's an emerald!

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Could be.

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You got to buy it to find out.

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We also got a "I Voted" sticker;

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could save you a trip
to the polls next year.

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I want that!All right,

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Teddy, get down!

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One really large
high-heeled pump,

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and a half bottle of Chardonnay.

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Hey, I left that here.

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Guys, this stuff
isn't that good.

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I mean, you know

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you don't have to
buy anything, right?

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Uh-uh,
yes we do, Bobby.

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Linda's such
a good saleswoman.

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She sold me a nickel
for a dime once.

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Great nickel, too,
super shiny.

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All right, just...Come on, come on, come on,
I'm so excited!

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Yup.
Okay, here we go.

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You know the rules.

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Your hand goes up,
you got to pay,

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so don't stretch or wave
unless you got the dough.

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FROND:
Three minutes, performers.

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Angela, you look
a little pale.

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Do you have blush
or would you like

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one of the
other students

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to slap you?
Your choice.

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I have blush.

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Hi Tina.
Wassup, girl?

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Hi Jimmy Jr., Zeke.

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Hey, did you hear
about Jocelyn's party

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this Friday night...You mean about

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the 45 minute window
when her mom is going

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to pick up her brother
from soccer practice

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and her dad is
on a business trip

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so there will be
[whispering]: spin the bottle.

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Um, yes, I heard.

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Yeah, that one.Pretty crazy, huh?

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It's not that crazy
once you realize

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that the bottle's rotation
is pretty predictable

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if you can figure out
the drag so you just...

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Tina, line up.

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[upbeat music playing]

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♪ There's something new
on me and you ♪

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♪ Brand-new fur on him and her ♪

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♪ Hair! ♪♪ Where?♪

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♪ There! ♪

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[gasps]

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Ow, Mr. Frond,
she fell on me.

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[whispering]:
Is this part of the show?

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I have no idea,

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but this is the best
they've ever been.

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Angela, come with me.

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Everyone else,
keep going.

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And people say
that theater is dead.

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LINDA:
15 now, who'll say 15?

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For this very nice

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book of matches, 15 cents.

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15!15 cents from the sexy

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stylist on the stool.

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Do I hear 20 cents?

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Oh, oh, me!

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Oh, I got 20 cents
from the tomb raider,

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Mort the mortician.

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25!

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Whoa, too rich
for my blood.

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Going once...

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going twice...

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sold to Teddy
for 25 cents.

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Yeah! Yes!

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In your face, Mort.

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In your face.

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Easy.

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Sorry, sorry,
you know I get

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carried away
at the auction.

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Okay, next item is

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an extra large, extra in-charge

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women's high-heel shoe,
left behind by Marshmallow.

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I asked her if
she wanted it back,

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she said it was out of season.

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Let's start the bidding
at one dollar.

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One dollar,
come on, people.

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Teddy?

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I don't know any extra
large one-legged ladies,

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but if I did, man,

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I would be
getting that shoe.

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50 cents?

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Forty-five?

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Thirty?

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You're missing the
possibilities, here, people.

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It's not just a giant shoe,

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it's a, it's a...

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it's a... uh,

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it's a Wine Shoe.

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Yeah, it's an elegant way
to display your wine.

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Oh, my God,
I love it.

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It's like a foot
that gets you drunk.

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Five dollars.

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No, no, no,
no, no, six!Uh, seven!

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Really?
Okay, seven dollars
going once.

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[doorbell dings]Eight!

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Eight dollars,
do I hear nine...
Nine!

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Mike, you want that thing?

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You don't?
No.

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Good.
$15!

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Do I hear $15.50?

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Uh...

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$15 going once.[Teddy groaning]

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Twice![groaning]

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And three times a lady,

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sold to Gretchen for $15.

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Thank you very much.

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Oh, that is
gonna haunt me.

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FROND:
Thank you all for coming in.

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I have terrible
slash wonderful news,

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Hormone-iums.

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Angela has come down
with mononucleosis!

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Oh, no,
will she be okay?

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Who knows?

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But the real news is

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that to confront
this urgent crisis,

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there will be a
special assembly this Friday

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about the dangers of mono,
and I have asked the principal

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to ask us to
perform at it...

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and he said,
wait for it, "Fine."

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So, this Friday,
The Hormone-iums will present

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our new revue, Mona Nucleosis,
on the auditorium stage!

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[all gasp]

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Exactly!

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I'll be holding auditions
between Tina and Candy

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to determine who will

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temporarily replace Angela

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as our female soloist.

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Tina can have it.

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I'm just in this group
as a punishment.
Wait, what?

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What?
Nothing,
congrats, Tina.

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Okay... congratulations
to our new soloist,

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Tina Belcher.

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♪ Oh, my God. ♪

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I mean, I guess
that'd be okay.

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[excited chattering]

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ZEKE:
Tina, look over here!

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PETER:
Tina, we love you!

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She's great.
She's so great.

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Tina, is it true

193
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that you'll be starring
as Mona Nucleosis

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at the all-school
assembly this Friday?

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Well, I don't want
to brag, but it's true.

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[crowd cheering]

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Tina, I know this
is weird timing,

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but will you marry me?

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No, no, no, marry me!

200
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No, marry me!

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You get over here.Ow, Zeke, ow!

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Ow, Zeke![grunting]

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Zeke, ow! Zeke!

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I could get used to this.

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Tina-bean-a,

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time to get ready
for school.

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More like school needs
to get ready for me.

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Love it!

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Love the confidence.

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Linda!

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Have I got a bone
to pick with you.

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Me?
Yes, you.

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What?

214
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My girlfriends
at the salon

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love the Wine Shoe
so much,

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they will not
stop bugging me

217
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to order one for them.
[gasps]

218
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It's like the Patrick Dempsey

219
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calendar situation
all over again.

220
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Oh, my God, really?

221
00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:34,218
Yeah, I've got four hairdressers

222
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,918
who are willing to pay upwards
of, like, $20 for one.

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00:06:37,091 --> 00:06:38,528
Stop it.Yeah.

224
00:06:38,701 --> 00:06:39,572
You hear that, Bob?

225
00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:40,965
I heard.

226
00:06:41,139 --> 00:06:42,314
You don't have any
more Wine Shoes, though.

227
00:06:42,488 --> 00:06:44,185
Right, well,
uh, let's see.

228
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I can call Marshmallow

229
00:06:45,752 --> 00:06:46,709
and see where she
gets her shoes.

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00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:47,841
Bob, give me her number.

231
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,278
I-I don't have
her number, Lin.

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00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:50,627
Oh, I thought
you had it.

233
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,542
Okay, uh, do you know
where she lives?

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00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:55,240
All I know about Marshmallow
is that she comes and goes

235
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as she pleases,
she answers to no one,

236
00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:58,939
and she is truly free.

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00:06:59,113 --> 00:07:01,202
Okay, calm down.
She's a free spirit, we get it.

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00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,377
TINA:
♪ There's nothing ♪

239
00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:03,552
♪ You're missing ♪

240
00:07:03,726 --> 00:07:05,206
♪ If you're not kissing ♪

241
00:07:05,380 --> 00:07:07,035
♪ Kissing is so scary♪

242
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:09,471
♪ It will make you ill, oh!♪

243
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,692
♪ So if you wanna kiss someone♪

244
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♪ Go on and kiss your pill-ow♪

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♪ I never want to kiss ♪

246
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♪ Even if I have great breath ♪

247
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♪ Kissing causes mono ♪

248
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♪ And mono can cause... ♪

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death.

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Say, Mona, I'd like
to kiss someone.

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But kissing
is dangerous.

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[mouthing]
PETER:
It won't hurt to do one kiss.

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Okay, when you
put it that way.

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[smooching]

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[coughs]

256
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Oh, no.

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I'm dying...

258
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of mono.

259
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♪ She's dying,
she's dying♪

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♪ She's dying♪I... I...

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Mr. Frond, my character
really dies?

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That seems kind of extreme.

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Oh, okay, Tina, perhaps
we should do a non-extreme show.

264
00:07:48,163 --> 00:07:49,120
That'll get our
point across, right?

265
00:07:49,293 --> 00:07:50,600
Something subtle?

266
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:52,254
I'm just not sure
this is the best way

267
00:07:52,427 --> 00:07:53,821
to teach kids about mono.

268
00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,562
I mean, most of the time,
kissing is fine.

269
00:07:55,735 --> 00:07:56,911
Maybe that could be the song.

270
00:07:57,084 --> 00:07:58,956
♪ Most of the time ♪Oh, Tina,

271
00:07:59,129 --> 00:08:00,218
♪ Kissing is fine... ♪Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina,

272
00:08:00,391 --> 00:08:01,785
Tina, Tina, Tina, Tina.

273
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,786
Yes?
The theater
is about drama.

274
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:04,788
Happiness...

275
00:08:04,961 --> 00:08:06,180
sadness, fear, death!

276
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:07,487
Now, let's take it
from the top...

277
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:09,096
and, Candy,
let's make sure

278
00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:10,663
those jazz hands look
a little jazzier, okay?

279
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:12,622
It's not called
wet napkin hands.

280
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:14,798
[sighs]

281
00:08:14,971 --> 00:08:15,843
Maybe no one will come

282
00:08:16,016 --> 00:08:17,235
to the mandatory assembly.

283
00:08:17,408 --> 00:08:19,629
Kids, your dad and I
are going to Toe-Tanic

284
00:08:19,802 --> 00:08:21,283
so we can make
more Wine Shoes.

285
00:08:21,456 --> 00:08:23,850
Oh, my gosh, we're almost
out of Wine Shoes?!

286
00:08:24,024 --> 00:08:25,678
What the heck are you
guys talking about?

287
00:08:25,853 --> 00:08:27,985
Toe-Tanic is an over-sized
women's shoe store.

288
00:08:28,158 --> 00:08:29,987
Wine Shoe is a thing
your mom invented,

289
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,771
and now Gretchen's
friends want to buy

290
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:33,250
them for some reason.

291
00:08:33,424 --> 00:08:35,078
Of course, of course,
makes perfect sense.

292
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:38,125
W-w-w-wait, you are not going
to Toe-Tanic without me.

293
00:08:38,299 --> 00:08:39,475
I guess you can come.

294
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:40,649
Like you
could stop me!

295
00:08:40,823 --> 00:08:41,999
All right,
fine, I'll go,

296
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:43,000
and I'm in charge
of everything.

297
00:08:43,173 --> 00:08:44,000
I called it.

298
00:08:44,174 --> 00:08:45,176
Tina, you want to go?

299
00:08:45,350 --> 00:08:46,787
No, I'm good.

300
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:47,788
Tina, you okay?

301
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,485
Yeah, fine, fine, fine.

302
00:08:49,658 --> 00:08:51,399
Just going over
my script for the big show.

303
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:53,183
Well, we're all
really proud of you

304
00:08:53,357 --> 00:08:54,969
and your...
and your puberty stuff.

305
00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:56,057
I know it's
a big deal to you.

306
00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:57,318
Yeah, I'll just stay here

307
00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:58,363
and memorize my lies.

308
00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,886
I mean lines!
Bye!

309
00:09:00,061 --> 00:09:01,671
O-okay, see you
in a bit.
Great!

310
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,412
Let's go to the land
where the women are big

311
00:09:03,586 --> 00:09:05,196
and the dreams
are bigger.

312
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,417
MAN:
Hello, welcome.

313
00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:10,027
I'm Adrian.
How can I help you?

314
00:09:10,201 --> 00:09:12,159
Hi, we're in the
market for high heels.

315
00:09:12,333 --> 00:09:13,248
Sir, my mom's

316
00:09:13,422 --> 00:09:14,902
got a business idea.

317
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,426
It's called Wine Shoe,
and we want to buy in bulk.

318
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:18,818
Well that sound--
I'm sorry, wait,

319
00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:21,038
did you just say "Wine Shoe"?

320
00:09:21,211 --> 00:09:22,865
Yeah! You take
a bottle of wine,

321
00:09:23,039 --> 00:09:24,041
and you put it in a shoe.

322
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:24,999
Uh-huh...

323
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:26,173
Right?

324
00:09:26,347 --> 00:09:27,870
Oh... that's it?

325
00:09:28,044 --> 00:09:29,220
Yeah!
Pretty good,
right?

326
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:30,700
Yeah.
Now, what will a pair

327
00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:32,528
of these honeys
set my client back?

328
00:09:32,701 --> 00:09:33,528
Oh, those?

329
00:09:33,702 --> 00:09:35,182
Uh, they're $155.

330
00:09:35,356 --> 00:09:37,140
[coughs]
Wow!Okay.

331
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:40,667
Can you show us something
in the, uh... ten dollar range?

332
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:41,711
Ten dollars?

333
00:09:41,884 --> 00:09:42,842
Uh, okay.

334
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,408
Do you know how much material

335
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,236
goes into a size 14
woman's shoe?

336
00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:47,890
How much engineering?

337
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:51,286
This heel will hold up
to 350 pounds of woman.

338
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:52,852
Walking... working...

339
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,375
dancing... living.

340
00:09:54,549 --> 00:09:56,072
In fact, my good friend,

341
00:09:56,246 --> 00:09:57,770
the incredible
Miss Taint Behavin'

342
00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:00,990
does five shows a weekend
in these exact shoes.

343
00:10:01,164 --> 00:10:03,427
So even if there was a
ten dollar size 14 woman's shoe,

344
00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:05,299
I wouldn't sell it.

345
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:06,822
Lives are at stake!

346
00:10:06,996 --> 00:10:08,259
How old do you have
to be to work here?

347
00:10:08,432 --> 00:10:09,390
Twenty-seven.

348
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:11,087
LINDA:
Oh, well,

349
00:10:11,261 --> 00:10:13,090
what's the use
of having dreams

350
00:10:13,264 --> 00:10:14,177
if they can't be crushed?

351
00:10:14,351 --> 00:10:15,962
Hold on, Mom.

352
00:10:16,136 --> 00:10:18,139
Maybe we don't need
to buy those shoes right now.

353
00:10:18,312 --> 00:10:20,053
What? Then all
we'd have is wine

354
00:10:20,227 --> 00:10:21,316
and what good is that?

355
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:22,664
I can't believe
I just said that.

356
00:10:22,838 --> 00:10:24,798
We pitch our idea
to investors.

357
00:10:24,971 --> 00:10:26,755
What investors?
Where do we find investors?

358
00:10:26,929 --> 00:10:28,365
Right... there.

359
00:10:28,539 --> 00:10:29,802
[laughing]

360
00:10:29,976 --> 00:10:31,456
Oh, hello, Belchers!

361
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:33,067
Just having one
of our money fights.

362
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,807
[laughing]:
Get away!

363
00:10:34,981 --> 00:10:36,113
[Fischoeder and Felix laughing]See what I mean, Mom?

364
00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:37,636
[gasps]FELIX: I got you!

365
00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:39,246
No, no, what're you
talking about?

366
00:10:39,421 --> 00:10:40,596
BOB AND LOUISE:
Oh, my God.

367
00:10:42,423 --> 00:10:43,990
This just in.
Someone got mono so

368
00:10:44,164 --> 00:10:45,644
now we all have
to watch a play.

369
00:10:45,818 --> 00:10:46,950
Here's more from Jocelyn.

370
00:10:47,124 --> 00:10:48,604
Thanks, Tammy.

371
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:51,128
The play is this Friday,
which is also my birthday.

372
00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:52,913
There will be an
all school assembly,

373
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,524
where the Hormone-iums
will perform, Mona Nucleosis,

374
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,264
a show about
the dangers of mono,

375
00:10:57,438 --> 00:10:58,831
but it's not about my birthday,
I don't think.

376
00:10:59,005 --> 00:10:59,875
Let's see the clip.

377
00:11:00,049 --> 00:11:01,616
♪ No, no, kissing ♪

378
00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:03,313
♪ Kissing is the worst ♪

379
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:04,967
♪ If you kiss me ♪

380
00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:07,623
♪ You'll end up in a hearse. ♪

381
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:09,364
Wow, downer.

382
00:11:09,538 --> 00:11:10,756
Don't kiss Tina, I guess.

383
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:12,062
And now weather.

384
00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:13,802
Jocelyn?

385
00:11:13,976 --> 00:11:15,543
Whoa, Tina!

386
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:16,763
You're like the cover girl
of No Kissing magazine.

387
00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:17,980
No, no, no!

388
00:11:18,154 --> 00:11:19,243
I do like kissing!

389
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:20,984
Didn't seem like it.No, I, I...

390
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,463
[gasping]

391
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,856
[nervous grunting]

392
00:11:24,030 --> 00:11:25,162
[Tina nervous grunting]

393
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,163
Oh, no!

394
00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:33,822
[nervous grunts]Tina, what are you doing?

395
00:11:33,996 --> 00:11:35,346
You can't put these up!

396
00:11:35,519 --> 00:11:36,259
No one will ever want
to kiss me again!

397
00:11:36,433 --> 00:11:37,173
[Tina nervous grunting]

398
00:11:37,347 --> 00:11:38,480
Stop it, Tina, stop it.

399
00:11:38,653 --> 00:11:40,350
I quit, I quit,
I'm quitting the show.

400
00:11:40,524 --> 00:11:42,004
I quit!
You can't quit.

401
00:11:42,178 --> 00:11:43,485
You're Mona Nucleosis!

402
00:11:43,658 --> 00:11:45,312
And we're gonna be
on the main stage!

403
00:11:45,486 --> 00:11:46,836
Do you know how long

404
00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:48,359
I've been trying to get
the principal to let

405
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,360
the Hormone-iums perform
on that stage?!

406
00:11:50,534 --> 00:11:53,059
And no one is going to think
you really hate kissing.

407
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,365
Do people think Tony Danza
is really The Boss?

408
00:11:55,539 --> 00:11:57,673
I do, I mean,
he's at least a boss.

409
00:11:57,846 --> 00:11:59,370
[groaning]

410
00:11:59,543 --> 00:12:02,198
Oh, Tina, you always
wanted to be a soloist,

411
00:12:02,373 --> 00:12:05,072
and now you will be and it
doesn't have to stop there.

412
00:12:05,245 --> 00:12:06,508
I mean, this could be

413
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:08,466
just the beginning
of solos for you.

414
00:12:08,639 --> 00:12:10,033
Really?Yes.

415
00:12:10,206 --> 00:12:11,556
Hey, what if I made you

416
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:14,734
the female Hormone-iums
soloist permanently?

417
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:17,083
Whoa, that's been
my dream for two years.

418
00:12:17,258 --> 00:12:18,693
And now it's all
coming true.

419
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:20,216
So, do we have a deal?

420
00:12:20,390 --> 00:12:21,697
[nervous groaning]

421
00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:23,220
Okay.
Great.

422
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,831
Now, Tina, no more
freaking out.

423
00:12:25,004 --> 00:12:26,267
Just press your feelings

424
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:29,182
into a tight little
diamond and sparkle.

425
00:12:29,356 --> 00:12:31,359
[groans]

426
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,753
Oh... hey, Tina.

427
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:35,624
Quick thing about
my birthday party.

428
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,844
Sorry, but I have
to uninvite you.

429
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:39,366
What?!
Yeah.

430
00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:40,672
It's a reverse-vitation.

431
00:12:40,846 --> 00:12:41,890
You have a minus
one to this party.

432
00:12:42,065 --> 00:12:43,066
Wait, why?

433
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,501
Because Tammy said.

434
00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:46,765
You're like a
kiss narc now. Hello!

435
00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,462
How can we trust
Miss No Kissing not to

436
00:12:48,636 --> 00:12:49,594
[whispering]:
rat out a kissing party?

437
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:50,725
I don't really
hate kissing.

438
00:12:50,899 --> 00:12:51,945
I'm just
playing a part.

439
00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:53,597
Okay, but I'm
playing a part where

440
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,251
I uninvite you
to my party,

441
00:12:55,426 --> 00:12:56,471
and I'm really
good at it.

442
00:12:56,644 --> 00:12:57,951
You are.
You're really believable.

443
00:12:58,125 --> 00:12:59,168
I know.

444
00:12:59,342 --> 00:13:00,953
I'm like so good
at this role.

445
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:03,216
[nervous groaning]

446
00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:04,913
Permanent soloist.

447
00:13:05,087 --> 00:13:06,437
Permanent
soloist.

448
00:13:06,610 --> 00:13:07,874
Permanent soloist.

449
00:13:08,048 --> 00:13:09,265
Permanent
soloist.

450
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,615
Permanent soloist!

451
00:13:10,789 --> 00:13:12,399
[doorbell rings]Oh, good, you're here.

452
00:13:12,573 --> 00:13:13,575
I got Gretchen to loan me

453
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:15,316
the Wine Shoe
back for 24 hours.

454
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:17,100
We got to work on our
pitch for the Fischoeders.

455
00:13:17,274 --> 00:13:18,623
They're coming
tomorrow afternoon.

456
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:19,885
Okay, Gene,
write these down.

457
00:13:20,059 --> 00:13:20,974
All right.

458
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,889
Um, Mer-loafers.Mm-hmm.

459
00:13:23,062 --> 00:13:24,280
Sauvingnon Blahniks.

460
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:25,500
Mom, listen to me.

461
00:13:25,673 --> 00:13:27,153
We need to sell Wine Shoe

462
00:13:27,327 --> 00:13:28,981
as a journey, not a product.

463
00:13:29,155 --> 00:13:31,418
We got to tell them a story
and if that fails,

464
00:13:31,592 --> 00:13:32,549
you have to cry.

465
00:13:32,724 --> 00:13:34,290
Huh, all right, okay.

466
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:35,945
Uh, the story is...

467
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,293
Wine Shoes...

468
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:38,947
go together...

469
00:13:39,121 --> 00:13:40,254
like wine...

470
00:13:40,427 --> 00:13:41,558
Good so far.

471
00:13:41,732 --> 00:13:42,951
Y... sometimes,
you just need

472
00:13:43,125 --> 00:13:44,605
a little wine
in your shoe...

473
00:13:44,779 --> 00:13:46,259
to get through...Wait, you could do, uh,

474
00:13:46,433 --> 00:13:47,783
Cinderella.
Yes!

475
00:13:47,956 --> 00:13:49,959
Like, oh, where
does this shoe fit?

476
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:51,655
On a bottle of wine.

477
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,658
The one you've been waiting
for your whole life.

478
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:55,529
Finally, you found
your Prince Charming,

479
00:13:55,703 --> 00:13:57,488
and it's a bottle of wine.

480
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,533
Oh, my God, Bobby,
I'm transported.

481
00:13:59,707 --> 00:14:00,927
Dad, you son of a bitch.

482
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,841
Let's do this.[whoops]

483
00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:08,020
♪ I thought kissing
would be heaven ♪

484
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:10,937
♪ So I kissed a boy ♪

485
00:14:11,110 --> 00:14:13,155
♪ Or seven♪

486
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,682
♪ Mononucleosis has got you ♪

487
00:14:17,856 --> 00:14:19,162
♪ On your knees ♪

488
00:14:19,336 --> 00:14:21,207
♪ Worse than halitosis ♪

489
00:14:21,381 --> 00:14:24,211
♪ It's a kissing disease ♪

490
00:14:24,384 --> 00:14:25,865
♪ All your bad decisions ♪

491
00:14:26,038 --> 00:14:27,778
♪ Have kicked you in your butt ♪

492
00:14:27,953 --> 00:14:29,606
♪ If only I'd kept my ♪

493
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,130
♪ Lips ♪

494
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:34,481
♪ Shut... ♪

495
00:14:34,655 --> 00:14:36,309
We're ready.

496
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:38,702
[upbeat music
from Gene's keyboard]

497
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,749
Oh, I have the most
beautiful bottle of wine

498
00:14:40,923 --> 00:14:43,970
in all the land...
but alas, I have no place

499
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:45,448
to display it.

500
00:14:45,623 --> 00:14:46,624
Hark.

501
00:14:46,798 --> 00:14:48,017
Ooh, I wasn't
expecting that.

502
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:49,322
Excuse me, fair maiden,

503
00:14:49,496 --> 00:14:51,063
but I couldn't
help but notice

504
00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,153
that you may have dropped
this shoe at my castle.

505
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:54,414
I did?

506
00:14:54,588 --> 00:14:55,981
I am going
from home to home

507
00:14:56,155 --> 00:14:57,721
seeing what this
shoe could fit on.

508
00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,159
Oh, it looks too
big for me, alas.

509
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,552
But wait!

510
00:15:01,725 --> 00:15:04,076
What if the shoe fits
on the wine?

511
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:05,817
[all gasp]

512
00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:06,905
We'll fund your play.

513
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,298
I have a few notes,

514
00:15:08,471 --> 00:15:09,865
but I think it would
be great if you...

515
00:15:10,038 --> 00:15:11,039
Oh, no, no, no.

516
00:15:11,214 --> 00:15:12,259
Uh, we're not
selling the play,

517
00:15:12,432 --> 00:15:13,259
we're selling this.

518
00:15:13,433 --> 00:15:14,783
[keyboard plays fanfare]

519
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,873
Gentleman, today we are
offering you a 50% stake

520
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:19,440
in our company, Wine Shoe,

521
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:22,051
for the low price of $1,000.

522
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:23,618
Never more will
your wine look lame,

523
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,533
sitting there on the
counter like an idiot.

524
00:15:25,706 --> 00:15:27,360
Pinot gross-i-o!

525
00:15:27,534 --> 00:15:30,015
Give your wine that wow
factor with Wine Shoe.

526
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:31,059
Ah!

527
00:15:31,234 --> 00:15:33,409
So... you did not call me

528
00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:36,065
over here to give me rent money?

529
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:37,066
Okay, so you're out.

530
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,284
Felix, what do you say?

531
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:39,764
Well, I have had some businesses

532
00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:40,764
like this in the past.

533
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,636
I founded Light-Tights,

534
00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:44,246
the tights with
the light-up fannies.I have those.

535
00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:46,206
I'm afraid, however,
that Wine Shoe...

536
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:47,293
Wha-wha-what?

537
00:15:47,467 --> 00:15:48,424
...just doesn't speak to me.

538
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:50,210
What?!
Yeah, sorry, Linda,

539
00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:51,384
but it's a no.

540
00:15:51,558 --> 00:15:53,255
Oh, come on...
Mom!

541
00:15:53,429 --> 00:15:54,909
[whining]

542
00:15:55,084 --> 00:15:56,085
What?
[whispering]: Cry.

543
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:57,695
Oh, oh, right,
right, right.

544
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,827
[crying]Look what you
did to my mom.

545
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,394
[Linda wailing]Should we sneak out?

546
00:16:01,568 --> 00:16:02,657
Yes.

547
00:16:02,831 --> 00:16:03,571
Here we go,
sneaking out.

548
00:16:03,745 --> 00:16:04,832
BOTH:
Sneak...

549
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:05,921
[doorbell rings]sneak, sneak, sneak.

550
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:07,443
Ugh.
Aw, nuts!

551
00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,837
LINDA:
I don't know what went wrong.

552
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,447
I thought I could
sell anything.

553
00:16:11,621 --> 00:16:13,101
I really thought
I'd get my dream.

554
00:16:13,275 --> 00:16:14,755
Dreams are dumb!
They ruin your life!

555
00:16:14,929 --> 00:16:16,322
What?Tell me about it!

556
00:16:16,496 --> 00:16:18,280
I'll never be the Royal Baby.

557
00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:19,979
Can I finish my dinner
in my room?

558
00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:20,980
Uh, sure.

559
00:16:21,153 --> 00:16:22,110
[groaning]

560
00:16:22,284 --> 00:16:23,677
[Linda sighs]

561
00:16:23,851 --> 00:16:25,288
I guess I'll go
talk to her.

562
00:16:25,461 --> 00:16:27,072
No, Lin, you're still
sad about your shoes.

563
00:16:27,246 --> 00:16:28,073
I'll-I'll go.

564
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:29,075
All right.

565
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:31,163
[crying]

566
00:16:31,337 --> 00:16:33,296
Uh, Tina, can, uh, can we talk?

567
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:35,602
Still got that
spaghetti, huh?

568
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:36,647
Yeah.

569
00:16:36,821 --> 00:16:37,778
That's good.

570
00:16:37,952 --> 00:16:39,128
We'll wash
the sheets later.

571
00:16:39,302 --> 00:16:40,650
Okay.
Look...

572
00:16:40,825 --> 00:16:42,479
you are obviously upset.

573
00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:44,611
I-is... is it about
your puberty show?

574
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:45,787
Kinda.

575
00:16:45,961 --> 00:16:46,744
You want to tell me about it?

576
00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,876
Okay, but if I tell you

577
00:16:49,051 --> 00:16:50,705
then I'm telling you
another kid's secret.

578
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,010
Do you swear not to tell?

579
00:16:52,184 --> 00:16:53,794
I think so...
as long as it's not...

580
00:16:53,969 --> 00:16:55,100
murder.

581
00:16:55,274 --> 00:16:56,493
It's not.
Good.

582
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,059
Well, there was gonna be

583
00:16:58,234 --> 00:16:59,495
45 minutes of
spin the bottle

584
00:16:59,669 --> 00:17:00,453
at Jocelyn's party...

585
00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:01,498
Okay...

586
00:17:01,672 --> 00:17:02,846
...but I got uninvited

587
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:03,847
because now
I'm Mona Nucleosis,

588
00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:05,459
the face of anti-kissing!

589
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,808
Oh, uh, that sounds bad, yeah.

590
00:17:07,982 --> 00:17:10,028
And Mr. Frond told me I could
be the new permanent soloist,

591
00:17:10,202 --> 00:17:11,638
but if I do the show tomorrow

592
00:17:11,813 --> 00:17:13,509
no one will ever want
to kiss me ever again.

593
00:17:13,683 --> 00:17:15,337
Okay, first of all,
people will want

594
00:17:15,511 --> 00:17:16,644
to kiss you again, Tina.

595
00:17:16,817 --> 00:17:18,340
Really?
Yup.
Boys?

596
00:17:18,515 --> 00:17:19,429
Yup.

597
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:20,560
Huh. What do they look like?

598
00:17:20,734 --> 00:17:21,692
I-it's a hypothetical, it's...

599
00:17:21,865 --> 00:17:22,692
Tan?

600
00:17:22,866 --> 00:17:24,391
Yes, they're tan boys.

601
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:25,913
But not like that
orange-y self-tan.

602
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:28,699
Nope. Anyway,
I know puberty positivity

603
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:31,093
is important to you
and that's good but

604
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:32,876
if doing this play
is making you say

605
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:34,488
something you don't
believe in, then maybe,

606
00:17:34,662 --> 00:17:35,750
you shouldn't do it.

607
00:17:35,923 --> 00:17:37,317
Even if I said I would?

608
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,231
Yeah, because whether
you kiss anyone or not,

609
00:17:39,405 --> 00:17:41,843
you're in charge
of your own... mouth.

610
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:43,974
Who you kiss with it
and what you say with it.

611
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:44,976
And, Tina?

612
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:46,239
Are you gonna say you

613
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:47,413
have to tell on
Jocelyn's party?

614
00:17:47,587 --> 00:17:49,372
No, I was going
to ask you if

615
00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:51,853
you wanted me to get
you a handful of ice cream.

616
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,201
[students chattering quietly]

617
00:17:53,375 --> 00:17:54,811
FROND:
All right,

618
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:55,987
places, everyone.

619
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,554
I'll see you
on the other side.

620
00:17:57,728 --> 00:18:00,252
[to self]:
It's my mouth. It's my mouth.

621
00:18:00,426 --> 00:18:01,602
It's my mouth.

622
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,517
Okay, everybody,
let's do this thing.

623
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:04,952
Just be advised I've made some
changes to the end of the show,

624
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,911
try to keep up.
There's our cue, let's go.

625
00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:14,744
Oh, no! I am afraid this
student, Mona, is dying.

626
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,269
Dying from mononucleosis.

627
00:18:16,442 --> 00:18:18,053
Nurse, I need you
to write something down.

628
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,794
Yes, Doctor?

629
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,883
[mouthing]
DARRYL:
Kissing is really dangerous.

630
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:23,450
♪ Well... ♪

631
00:18:23,624 --> 00:18:24,451
Wait, Doctor!

632
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:26,234
Um, uh, yes, Mona?

633
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,237
I feel better.
Oh.
Hey!

634
00:18:28,411 --> 00:18:30,152
Because mono would
really only cause death

635
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:31,587
in someone very old,
very young,

636
00:18:31,761 --> 00:18:32,894
or someone who
had a compromised

637
00:18:33,067 --> 00:18:34,677
immune system.
I looked it up.

638
00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:37,028
Okay...

639
00:18:37,202 --> 00:18:39,596
[whispering]:
Tina, if you don't stick
to the script, the only thing

640
00:18:39,769 --> 00:18:42,208
you'll be kissing is
permanent soloist good-bye.

641
00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:43,904
I've made up
my mind, Mr. Frond.

642
00:18:44,078 --> 00:18:46,603
Kissing isn't dangerous,
but misinformation is.

643
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:47,734
♪ Well... ♪

644
00:18:47,909 --> 00:18:48,997
Wait!

645
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:49,911
Darryl,
do you have mono?

646
00:18:50,085 --> 00:18:51,391
Uh, no.

647
00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:52,305
[smooches]
Whoa!
[audience gasping]

648
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:53,827
There, see?

649
00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:55,263
Nobody died... and
nobody's going to die.

650
00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:57,005
I mean, we all will,
eventually,

651
00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:59,311
but probably not today and
probably not from mono.

652
00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:02,096
Kissing is one of the great
parts of life, like dancing.

653
00:19:02,270 --> 00:19:03,097
Yeah!

654
00:19:03,271 --> 00:19:04,098
Or rainy days.

655
00:19:04,272 --> 00:19:05,448
Or those croissants

656
00:19:05,622 --> 00:19:06,579
Meryl Streep made
in that movie.

657
00:19:06,753 --> 00:19:07,842
We don't have
to not kiss.

658
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:09,799
We just have
to smart kiss...

659
00:19:09,973 --> 00:19:12,325
and now, I am going to kiss
everyone in this row...

660
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:13,717
Do what?!

661
00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:15,632
Tina, no! No, no, Tina!♪ Well ♪

662
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:17,199
♪ I don't know much about
huggin' and a-kissin'... ♪

663
00:19:18,634 --> 00:19:19,593
You were good
in that play, Tina.

664
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,115
Thanks.

665
00:19:21,289 --> 00:19:22,813
And if you want, you
can come to my party.

666
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,118
You know, I'll probably
have to weigh my options.

667
00:19:24,292 --> 00:19:25,294
Okay, I'm in.

668
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:27,077
LINDA:
Unbelievable!

669
00:19:27,252 --> 00:19:28,818
Bob, look at this.

670
00:19:28,992 --> 00:19:30,343
That's your...
Wine Shoe.

671
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,258
Some company stole my idea!

672
00:19:32,432 --> 00:19:33,519
Booze Shoes.

673
00:19:33,693 --> 00:19:35,260
Our best selling
novelty wine holder

674
00:19:35,434 --> 00:19:36,784
for five years running.

675
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:38,263
Oh.

676
00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:39,787
Huh, they stole your idea
before you had it.

677
00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,135
Or another way
of saying that

678
00:19:41,309 --> 00:19:42,746
is you stole
it from them.

679
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:43,747
I didn't.

680
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:45,140
I thought of it.

681
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:47,010
Well, then look on
the bright side, Lin,

682
00:19:47,185 --> 00:19:48,273
you came up with an idea

683
00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:49,839
that people
clearly want to buy.

684
00:19:50,013 --> 00:19:51,277
Yeah, you're right.

685
00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:52,799
[gasps]
I just got another idea.

686
00:19:52,973 --> 00:19:54,061
Talk to me.

687
00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:55,890
Candle Sandals.
You take a sandal.

688
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,934
You cut a hole in it,
you put a candle in it.

689
00:19:58,108 --> 00:19:59,153
That... rhymes.

690
00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:00,373
Done, million dollars, done.

691
00:20:00,547 --> 00:20:01,721
It's genius.

692
00:20:01,895 --> 00:20:03,244
Et voila.

693
00:20:03,419 --> 00:20:04,986
Gene, go online and
order a thousand sandals

694
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,204
and a thousand candles.

695
00:20:06,378 --> 00:20:07,683
[doorbell dings]On it.
No.

696
00:20:07,857 --> 00:20:09,643
Oh, excuse me,

697
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,339
Jennifer Love Gorgeous.

698
00:20:11,513 --> 00:20:12,384
Are you lost?

699
00:20:12,558 --> 00:20:13,864
The set of whatever movie

700
00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:14,865
you're working on
is down the street.

701
00:20:15,038 --> 00:20:16,301
Mom, it's me, Tina.

702
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,217
[gasps]
Wha-what?

703
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:19,347
I'm just dressed up
because I'm going

704
00:20:19,521 --> 00:20:21,132
to Jocelyn's
birthday party.

705
00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:22,221
Just a regular old birthday
party, nothing special.

706
00:20:22,394 --> 00:20:23,221
Right, Dad?

707
00:20:23,395 --> 00:20:24,657
Right, Tina.

708
00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:26,528
Have fun at your
regular birthday party.

709
00:20:26,702 --> 00:20:28,096
Okay, bye.

710
00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:30,229
[doorbell dings]What was that about?

711
00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:31,359
They're gonna play
spin the bottle.

712
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:32,883
Oh. Oh!

713
00:20:33,057 --> 00:20:34,711
Aww.What's spin the bottle?

714
00:20:34,884 --> 00:20:36,322
Can we play?
Yeah.

715
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:37,365
That would be weird.

716
00:20:37,539 --> 00:20:38,714
♪ ♪

717
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:43,328
Mm-hmm... checking the wind.

718
00:20:43,502 --> 00:20:45,592
Floor is tilted one degree...

719
00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:47,549
Oh, my God, Tina, go!

720
00:20:47,723 --> 00:20:50,030
My mom's gonna be
back in 37 minutes.

721
00:20:50,204 --> 00:20:51,031
Okay.

722
00:20:51,205 --> 00:20:52,555
Here we go.

723
00:20:52,729 --> 00:20:54,470
["Just What I Needed"
by The Cars plays]

724
00:21:01,215 --> 00:21:02,782
♪ I guess you're
just what I needed ♪

725
00:21:02,957 --> 00:21:04,740
♪ Just what I needed♪

726
00:21:04,914 --> 00:21:08,441
♪ I needed someone to feed ♪

727
00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:10,355
♪ I guess you're
just what I needed ♪

728
00:21:10,529 --> 00:21:11,617
♪ Just what I needed♪

729
00:21:11,791 --> 00:21:14,750
♪ I needed someone to bleed... ♪

730
00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:34,162
♪ I don't mind... ♪