[♪ theme music playing]
You know, I bet if coffee came in different colors,
more kids would drink it.
That's why I drink rose.
Oh hey, Nat!
Linda! Robert!
-Children, Theodore. -Hey Nat!
Nat! Light of my life! Come! Sit!
Tell us of the world.
Yeah, grab a stool, fool. Sorry.
I'd actually love to sit and chat
while I eat one of your fine cheeseburgers.
I have a little time to kill before I meet with my next client.
Dad. You heard the lady.
Go make the burger.
Sorry about him. He's new.
I-- I'm not. I-- I've been here-- a while.
Are you driving anyone interesting in the limo today?
Is it a girl who just found out she's a princess
and now her world is gonna turn upside-down?
-Oh. -No, that's tomorrow.
Today I'm working with one of my Calm in 60 Seconds students.
-Your what? -Calm in 60 Seconds.
It's a business I started to help people with road rage.
Especially folks who need court-mandated rage restructuring.
Wow. You teach people not to road rage?
But without road rage, there would be no Mad Max Fury Road.
You haven't seen that though, right?
Just the trailer. And all the scenes that are in the trailer.
And the rest. And the prequel. Why? Have you?
Yeah, they were really good.
How did you get into the road rage racket, Nat.
Well, this may shock you, but I am a former road rager.
Yep, I had a case of the double R's and bad.
You see, when I first started driving a limo
I worked for a guy named Ronnie Glow...
[Gene] Glow on.
[Nat] This was at the height of the stretch limo biz.
If you weren't riding around in a car that was at least 30 feet long,
you were nothing to nobody.
And Ronnie Glow was the biggest game in town.
But working under him, [scoffs] it wasn't easy.
He made us drive 70, 80 hours a week,
and if you asked for any time off,
he'd say, "If you don't want to glow, you gotta go."
And then he'd make you repeat back, "I want to glow."
[Gene] Dad makes us say, "If you don't want to Bob, get another job.
I don't say that, but I should.
I felt so much anger towards Ronathon, Glow all the time.
But I held it in until I drove home
and then, oh boy,
I'd really let it out.
Honking.
-Yelling. -Move it or lose it.
And worst of all, the throwing.
Whatever food I had in my car.
Hot dogs. Taquitos. Croissants. Sandwiches.
I kept it bottled up when I was in the limo with clients.
But then one day, an incident occurred.
Oh my God! Sorry, I just love hearing about incidents.
It was the day before Easter, which, turns out,
was the day of the Easter parade.
I had a wedding party in the limo and
we were running just a smidge behind schedule.
I pull up to an intersection
and this guy driving an Easter bunny float
rolls through the stop sign
and I get stuck right behind him
and he's going so slow.
And now I'm afraid I'm gonna be late for this wedding.
And there are three things you should know about me.
I sunburn easy. I have a hell of a time getting out of a beanbag chair.
And I am never late.
The rage, she took me.
And that's when I reached for...
my tomato basil soup.
I had a big old 20 ounce Tupperware
and I launched it right at that poor bunny.
[screams]
Almost lost my limo license.
That was rock bottom.
I spent three months on a woodworking commune in Pennsylvania,
just trying to clear my head,
making rocking chairs and wooden knick-knacks.
Whittling. Releasing. Healing.
[whispering] I'm sorry.
I realize road raging is like trying to muscle
your way through hardwood.
You'll cut your finger and you'll chip your blade.
The trick, it turns out, is to go with the grain.
You gotta muscle the wood when you turn the trick.
-Got it. -[Bob] Gene.
So with that newfound wisdom, I swore I would do my best to help others.
But also charge them. 'Cause I need money.
Hey, that's why I charge people too! Money.
Uh, so you help people get over road rage?
That's-- interesting.
-Isn't that interesting, Linda? -I guess.
Yeah, I agree, Mom.
-That is interesting. -Mm-hmm.
What the hell is everyone looking at me for?
[fake cough] Because you have road rage.
I do not have road rage that much.
[Tina] Yeah. Only on roads.
And in parking lots and on the bumper cars.
And when we listen to that song Life is a Highway.
Well, that song is stressful!
But, come on, people, I'm fine.
Okay, I guess all of our eyes and ears are wrong.
Look, I can only give help to those who are ready to receive it.
If that's ever you, Linda, you know where to find me.
Wait, Nat! I'm making you a burger, right?
Oh yeah, that just felt like a cool moment to go.
It was. It was.
Everyone hurry!
I want my butt in the seat before the movie starts. Capiche?
I piche. But I can't find my glasses.
It's so hard to find my glasses without my glasses.
Oh my God, Bob. You done pooping yet?
[Bob] No, I'm not happy about it either.
I'm ready when you are.
Gene. You need pants.
Okay, boomer.
Mother, I'm ready and probably your favorite.
Whoa! What's this mattress doing out here?
It's Gene's. He spilled melted butter all over.
[Gene] I needed something to dip my bedtime artichokes in.
So we're airing it out.
Since it's here, I should probably ride it down the stairs, right?
No, no. We're leaving.
Also, that's how someone breaks an arm. We're too poor for that.
I changed into my bathing suit.
So if the movie theater has a hot tub, I will be ready to roll.
Great. Bob!
[Bob] Almost done. Sort of.
[Linda groans]
Just find a stopping place Dad. It doesn't have to be perfect.
[all] Whoa!
Damn it. Stupid light.
Linda, are you sure you don't want me to drive?
No offense, Bob but if you drive, we won't get there until it's over.
You drive like a nerd.
Ugh. Why does no one know how to drive?
[yells] Move it, Parker slow-sy!
I don't think you're supposed to be over here,
this lane is for parking--
It's fine. It's fine.
Look, that guy up ahead of us is doing it too.
We're gonna make it, people!
-Mom! -Linda!
[all yelling]
[sheepishly] Oh God. Uh, hi.
Sorry. Sorry.
[gasps] Is she flipping me off?
-Uh, yep. -Sassy.
[phone vibrating]
Go for Kinkle.
Nat, it's Linda.
Linda. I know why you're calling.
-You do? -Yep.
How many bottles of my signature barbecue sauce should I put you down for?
Oh, uh... N--No,
I was calling about my road rage.
Oh. Well, I can help you with that too.
I do have a barbecue sauce road rage package
I could also offer you.
-Uh... -Just the road rage? Okay.
[Nat clears throat]
Welcome to Calm in 60 Seconds,
an anti-road rage program that will have you
driving and smiling in only five 90-minute sessions.
Now, I know that's a lot longer than 60 seconds but let's be realistic.
-Right. Right. -What is road rage
and what are the risks?
Well, there are physical effects in and upon the rager's body.
High blood pressure. Heart disease.
Digestive issues- I'm talking road rage diarrhea.
-Ragarrhea. -Oh.
And of course, death. Which is also pretty bad.
Another risk, going to jail.
You ever have a birthday party in jail? It sucks.
They sing you the happy birthday song,
but they add the words "in jail" to the end of every line,
like-- ♪ Happy birthday in jail ♪
-Oh gosh! -Yeah.
Okay! What causes the rage in road rage?
Let's pop open the proverbial hood and take a look inside.
For me, it was a bad boss that took away my dignity
with every single gosh damned interaction.
What causes your rage, Linda?
Let's see--
-people that drive too slow... -Mm.
-People cut me off. -Okay.
People that drive with the dog on the lap
and the dog looks at me like he's better than me
-'cause he's in the driver's seat. -Okay.
-PT Cruisers! -Yes.
But let's go deeper.
Where is the anger coming from in your non-car life.
Huh, I don't know.
I mean, I love my family, I love the restaurant,
I just got new socks. Things are good.
Okay, well, how about this...
Do you remember your first experience with road rage?
Oh, uh, huh...
I guess it was with-- my mom?
Hm, tell me more.
Sometimes when she drove, she would yell, all the time.
She would yell all the time, now that I think about it.
She yelled at a pigeon eating a hot dog bun once.
-He wasn't even driving. -Mm, interesting.
-Now we're getting somewhere. -Great.
-Am I cured? -No, Linda. No, you're not.
-Oh. -But you are ready
-for burp. -[Linda] Burp?
It's my method for overcoming road rage.
B! Breathe.
Then another B!
Become the other driver.
Try to step into their shoes.
U! Unplug.
Unplug from your rage, imagine yourself somewhere calm.
For me, it's in the hammock with a little bit of whittling
and just a ton of lizards.
R! Release.
Release that rage.
And then P! Play.
Ground yourself in the spirit of play.
That could be anything, singing a song, thinking of a joke.
For me, I like to pretend my mouth is a trumpet
and I'm doing a little jazz solo. Like this.
[♪ mimics trumpet]
Wow. That's pretty.
Okay then let's hop in your car and
turn the page on that rage, Linda B-word!
So, Linda's at road rage school, huh?
You know what keeps me from having road rage?
I just picture all the other cars naked, you know?
-What do you mean, naked? -Like nude.
Do I have to spell it out for you?
Yeah. Yes.
Oh my God. Just picture a car, then picture it naked.
Car butts. Car boobs. Car wieners.
-Car wieners? -Sorry, car penises.
[thud]
What was that sound.
Sounded like it came from the apartment.
The kids said they had homework they really wanted to finish
which, now that I think about it, should have been a huge red flag.
-[kids yelling] -[thud]
Okay, will you watch the restaurant for a minute, Teddy?
Uh, what if someone comes in What do I say?
Do I have to say, Burgers for sale?
-No, you don't. -Somethin' like that?
Just-- I'll be right back.
Okay. If you love me, push me down the stairs!
[Gene and Bob yell]
You can't yell at me if I'm sleeping.
[fake snores]
Gene. Kids, come on.
Mom told you she didn't want you riding down the stairs on the mattress.
Are you sure she didn't say
"I'd love it if you rode down the stairs on the mattress."
I can hear her saying that.
No Let's just stop before anybody gets hurt.
More than I just got hurt.
Dad. I feel like maybe you're not taking into account how much fun this is.
Yeah, I finally get having stairs.
Before, It just wasn't clicking for me.
Okay, great. Well, it's time to go back to work.
Dad, listen, just try it once.
And if you don't love it, then we'll stop and come back to work.
But we'll be good at work this time.
Guys, I'm not sliding down the stairs on Gene's mattress.
[Bob yells]
Uh-oh!
Again!
[children] Yay.
Okay, Linda. I'm going to deliberately place you
in one of the most maddening driving environments in the world.
[Linda] Oh God, the airport?
[Nat] Yep, the belly of the beast.
[Linda groans]
[Nat] Your directive is to get into the far right lane as soon as possible.
Okay. Well, I'm not actually flying anywhere
so I think I should be able to stay calm and
oh my God, what is this guy doing?
Use the steps, Linda.
Burp. First step, breathe.
Okay.
[breathes]
Oh, look at this guy.
[sarcastically] Oh, sure, sure.
Second B-- become the other driver. Put yourself in their shoes.
Maybe there's a reason they're kind of alf in
hand half out of our lane like that.
Because they're dumb?
Well, what's the answer? You are them.
-I'm dumb. -Okay. Or maybe you're a little tired.
Maybe you were up all night baking pastries
-for a bake sale to help end poverty. -Aw.
-Son of a bitch. -Okay.
U! Unplug! Where's your calm place?
-Uh... The mall? -Maybe calmer.
The bathroom at the mall? It's nice.
I'll have to check that out. Let's go with that.
Now, R! Release the rage There it goes.
Bye bye! Out the window.
Picture it floating away.
But don't close your eyes, Linda.
Oh. Right. Sorry.
[Linda] Come on, someone let me in!
Now go to P. Play.
Feel free to use the mouth trumpet if you want.
Uhhh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
That's more of a trombone. Have you never heard live music?
You know what? If it works for you, that's what matters.
-[car honks in background] -Argh! Honk me. Honk you!
[horn honking]
-Sorry. -That's okay. It's okay. It's all right.
This is just day one of a five day journey.
I know you'll get better.
-Linda, please stop honking. -Right, right.
[honks]
-[Tina and Linda yelling] -♪ Ragey driving ♪
[♪ upbeat music playing]
♪ Mattress riding ♪
[Bob and Linda yelling]
♪ Ragey driving ♪
Watch where you're going?
♪ Mattress riding ♪
♪ Ragey driving ♪
-[tires screech] -Ugh!
[Bob yelling]
Well, I'm off to my last session with Nat.
Wish me luck, I guess.
Oh... Do you think it's not working?
Because you sound like you think it's not working.
I mean, it's going great except for how mad I still am at the cars all the time.
It might be genetic.
My mom was a honker, and now I'm a honker.
She passed her honkers on to you.
I mean, sounds to me like you need more sessions with Nat.
Maybe lots more.
Preferably after school, but before dinner.
No reason we don't do anything when you're gone.
-What? -[Bob and children] Nothing.
Bob , Why did you say nothing?
Because they did.
I don't know. What do you mean?
I don't-- I didn't-- I don't know what our kids are talking about.
They're so weird, right?
Anyway, bye. I mean, Go get 'em, Lin. You can do this.
So get out of here.
To do.-- To... do it.
You know what? Maybe you're right. I can stop raging.
I can do anything as long as I believe in myself.
What the hell are you doing?
Linda, please pull over.
I'm sorry, Nat, but you saw
-that guy almost clipped me. -Hmm-hmm.
And then the guy in the bike, a bike is not a car, Nat.
A bike is not a car. You are right about that, Linda.
And that chicken truck.
Since when does our town have chicken truck?
I swear, those chickens were laughing at me.
Linda, I've never had to say this to a client.
But I don't think I can help you.
-No, Nat! No! -I'm sorry, Linda.
Now let's switch places.
And I'll drive you safely home and do my best
to hide my disappointment.
[sighs] So disappointed.
-[tires screech] -[Nat] Whoa!
Okay, that car just totally cut me off.
I'm gonna remain calm and--
Oh my Guadalajara!
That's. That's Ronnie Glow!
What the-- Really?
That's him, Linda. I'd know that car anywhere.
He called it, the Glowsmobile.
It's okay. It's okay.
I gotta do the steps. Breathe.
[angry loud breath]
Become. Become Ronny Glow!
So I'm a terrible monster who should be destroyed!
-Aah! -Aah! Nat?
Tighten your seatbelt, Linda.
It's about to glow down!
I don't know how to tighten my seatbelt.
Oh God!
I got you now, you tan little man.
Nat, I thought you were zen. I thought you conquered your age.
It was always simmering just below the surface.
Our rage is who we are!
Right. But, uh...
I'm coming for you, Ronnie.
Like a gnat out of hell.
[yells angrily]
Uh... What if--
What if Ronnie Glow's been baking pastries for poverty?
There is no poverty.
-I made that up. -What?
You got any food in here I can throw?
Nat, eyes on the road!
Oh, wow! There's lots of food back here.
You really don't care about this car, huh?
Half-eaten granola bar! Crunch on this, you bastard!
[Nat grunts]
-What a rush! -Oh God!
-Apple core. -Someone in my family ate an apple?
Whoo!
I'm glad I didn't cure you, Linda.
I think you cured me. I'm back, baby!
-No Nat, no! -Yes, Linda, yes!
Hold on tight We're going to Tokyo Drift!
[Linda yells]
No kids again, huh?
Yeah, they're up in the apartment.
-They love homework now. -[phone ringing]
-Huh? -Yep, they're
they're getting really smart.
-Bob's Burgers. -Dad, you've got to get up here.
We're taking it to the next level.
Hmm. What's the next level?
Stop asking questions and move your ass!
Oh, and you gotta come through the fire escape.
Front door is not an option.
Okay, I'm nervous, but I'm really excited. I'll be right there.
Teddy, watch the restaurant.
-I'll be right back. -Okay.
You hear that? I'm in charge.
He picked me, not you.
I'm his best friend. But I don't think it was biased.
I think he just picked me because I'm the right guy for the job, you know.
And I've done it before. He asked me before, so.
Okay, fine. You can be my assistant.
Oh, my God.
[Louise] I told you. It's the next level.
[Gene] Drink it in bruh!
You ready to fly like a cheetah? On a mattress?
-Please don't call me bruh! -You got it, bruh.
Okay, wait. Maybe I like it.
But guys, this seems so, so dangerous.
What's your point, bruh?
It feels-- I'm gonna say wrong of me to support this as your parent.
[children] Oh.
But what if we put another mattress against the door down there
and then I'm a great parent?
-Yes Dad! -Yaayy!
And then let's all ride together for maximum velocity.
There he is.
And also we gotta clean all this up before your mom gets back.
If we live, you've got yourself a deal, bruh!
[loud thuds]
-[Bob and children yelling] -[loud thuds and door cracks]
[Bob] Oh God!
Oh oh! Bob! Bob!
I gotta go over there.
You're in charge now. Watch the restaurant.
If anyone comes in, you just say "Burgers for sale" like we practiced.
If you don't want to glow, you gotta go
if you don't wanna glow--
Okay, so the quiet seething and the muttering
and the following is a little more scary than the yelling and the throwing was.
-[Nat] Uh huh. -What are we...
What are we gonna do when you catch up to him?
We'll see now, won't we?
-[sighs] -Whoa!
He's heading for the ferry.
Oh well, I guess that's it then.
Because we're not getting on the ferry, right?
-[Nat grunts] -Oh, we're getting on the ferry.
Yes we are. You're mine now, Ronnie.
[Linda] Oh God! Oh, boy!
Whoa, Nat!
That is very close.
[angrily] You like that, Ronnie? You like that?
Oh my God, Nat, what are you doing?
You're pushing his car!
Nat, you're pushing his car! You gonna push him right over the edge.
Yep, he's going inland.
Ronnie Glow is about to become Billy Ocean.
-[laughs maniacally] -[Linda groans]
[Linda] Oh God, this isn't good.
Oh, Nat you gotta try your steps again.
You gotta do your burps.
-Uh, Breathe. -No.
-Uh, Become. -Uh-uh.
-[Linda] Unplug? -[Nat] Hell, no.
Do your trumpet. Here, I'll start.
[nervously mimics trumpet sound]
No, Linda, no!
I'm gonna push Ronnie over the edge just like he did to me.
Oh no, you're gonna kill the guy. We're killing a guy.
It's me, Ronnie. Nat Kinkle.
Nat , don't do it.
Oh, I'm doing it. This is raw. This is real.
It's in me and it's in you and it was in your mom.
She was right all along about everything.
May she rest in peace.
[engine revving]
[frantically] She's not dead.
And I definitely wouldn't say my mother's right about everything.
She was just so angry!
In and out of the car!
And I think that's because she was a very unhappy person!
But maybe-- we shouldn't talk about this
while you're pushing someone into the ocean.
No, it's fine. I can multitask.
[Nat groans] I'm barely listening to you.
[tires screech]
[Nat groans]
Nat, stop!
Before, when you asked me what I was mad at,
I guess-- I'm mad at my mom for being mad at her life.
'Cause that life had me in it--
and I wanted that to be enough to make her not mad.
But now that I know that,
maybe I could start to let it go.
And the next time I get mad, I can just picture my family happy in the backseat
and my mom bound and gagged in the trunk.
Or maybe not bound and gagged.
But definitely in the trunk.
So I'm gonna let you borrow that image for Ronnie Glow.
Okay? We can let go.
See? There it goes.
Bye, Rage.
[♪ mimics trumpet sound]
Congratulations, Linda.
-You're cured. -Huh?
Well, not cured but on the road to recovery.
Wait, what's going on?
[honks]
That's not Ronnie Glow, Linda.
That's my fellow limo driver, Kristof.
He owes me one. I saved his life in Vietnam.
We were bungee jumping. It's a long story.
-What? This was all fake? -Yep, yep, it was.
It did work though, didn't it?
What about the chain? We broke the ferry,
I arranged that, thanks to my other friend, Sandra.
She's the ferry captain.
I didn't save her life, but I did save her cat's life
by feeding it while she was out of town.
I can't believe you did all this.
Well, you're the ragiest road rager I've ever worked with, Linda.
But I never give up on a client.
And so I had to get a little creative.
Well, I can't wait to get home
and tell Bob and the kids about this.
Oh, I bet! You just got 45 more minutes
on the ferry going this way
and then a 30 minute wait and then 45 minutes back.
[Linda] Right. Right. I'd better call Bob.
Uh, how much longer is it gonna take you to fix the door, Teddy?
Linda will be back any minute.
[Teddy] I don't know when I'll be done, Bob.
I don't know. I don't know. Wait. I'm done.
Oh God, they're back. Hide the tools! Hide the tools!
What-- What do I do? Where do I put 'em? Do I swallow 'em?
Agh! Agh!
Hello, Robert. May I present your new wife?
Send her back, Dad. Ask for a redhead.
I got an A plus in rage class.
Uh, you got a C minus.
Well, I passed with flying colors.
Squeaked by. Squeaked by.
Still a possible hazard to herself and others.
Yay, Mom.
I feel like celebrating.
Let's do something fun. But cheap.
Any ideas for fun, cheap stuff?
Play with dad's boobs.
Or... should we tell her?
Tell me what?
I'm scared. I'm scared.
I've got you, Linda. Send us.
[Linda and Nat yell]
[♪ vocalizing]