[♪ opening theme music playing]
-Hey, Jimmy Jr. -Hey, Tina.
Are you excited for the Eight Grade Academic Improvement Reward Field Trip?
You better believe it.
I developed better study skills this semester,
and I'm ready to be rewarded with a field trip.
And it's so cool that it's at that
indoor rock climbing place, "Vertically Challenged."
Yeah, I looked it up. You get a partner and one person "belays"
while the other person climbs.
And the belayer stands
underneath the climber and holds a rope and just makes sure
everything's safe up there in the harness area.
Um, s-so I wanna be belay buddies.
-Uh... Oh, okay. -Yes.
I've been doing pull-ups to get ready.
Working on those biceps and trapeziuses.
Man, I hope the harness is comfortable.
I did zip lining last summer, and the harness was super tight.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Well, I gotta go meet Zeke.
He found a sponge, and we're gonna go kick it around.
Okay. See you, be-later. [laughs awkwardly]
Just got to keep that 2.8 GPA to be eligible for the field trip.
You mean, like, metaphorically?
No. Like a 2.8 grade point average.
Oh, okay.
Do I have a 2.8 grade point average?
No. Did you think you had a 2.8 grade point average?
I don't know. Jimmy Jr. has one.
He's developed very strong study skills this semester.
Yeah, I've heard. Sorry.
So I just need to jhuzh my old GPA up a few notches.
Um, I was hoping I could maybe sign up for one of those super cool, easy classes.
I think they're called "electives"?
You know, less taxing, more chillaxing, wink, wink.
[Gene] Yeah, I think Peter Pescadero got an A in robotics
for taping a battery to a cup.
-Okay. What about typing? -Typing?
Mr. Grant teaches typing.
The new term started this week, but I can still sign you up.
My fingers have tickled a few keyboards in their day. Let's do it.
You want to go to that indoor climbing gym, I get it.
There's nothing like being 12 feet off the ground
to make you feel like you're 20 feet off the ground.
I'm kind of excited about the belay thing.
She wants to look up at Jimmy Jr.'s butt.
And kinda control it with a rope.
Like it's a float at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
-Hey, Teddy. -Hi, Teddy.
Hey, guys, I'll have a Burger of the Day and extra fries.
Extra fries? Check you out.
Yeah, yeah. I just landed a big job.
I'm custom building a high-end grill
-for this rich guy's outdoor kitchen. -A grill?
-Really? What kind? -A Gaucho grill.
Wait, seriously? You're building an Argentinian Gaucho grill?
That-That's like my dream grill.
I thought was your dream grill. Ha!
Yeah, the rich guy, Elliot.
He's super into Argentinian cooking.
He's actually on some sort of food pilgrimage in Patagonia right now.
I'm working while he's gone.
Wait, Teddy, do you know how to build a Gaucho grill?
I mean, how hard can it be? It's a grill, right?
And then you slap some Argentina on it.
No, Teddy, you gotta have a firebox,
you gotta have an adjustable grill grate
to control the distance between the meat and the flame...
Whoa, Bob, slow down.
I don't speak grill nerd.
Ha! He is a grill nerd.
[stuttering] It's just... It's more complicated
than some normal backyard barbecue.
It needs to be done right.
[nerd voice] "It's more complicated." [laughs]
That's you, Bob. [laughs]
-[nerd voice] "It needs to be done right." -[laughs sharply]
I don't like either of you.
[Mr. Grant] The Constitution.
Romeo and Juliet, the Bible.
Ever heard of them?
Well, they were all typed on computer keyboards.
Wait, what?
Everyone in this classroom has the ability to type.
But right now, your fingers are clay.
I will mold that clay.
And I swear to God and Qwerty that by the end of this term,
you will be typing up to 45 WPM.
WPM?
Words Per Minute.
How fast do I type?
Sorry, I thought someone asked how fast I type.
The answer? A hundred and ten WPM.
I guess that's why it's on a certificate over there on the wall.
I won a typing competition, fastest 13-year-old in the county that year.
No big deal, except that it was a huge deal. Yeah.
Now, place your fingers of the index variety on F and J.
Just feel for the keys with the little bumps.
[student] Ew.
Oh, wow, I've always wondered about those bumps.
I thought maybe they were the keyboard's nipples,
which now that I say it seems wrong.
Okay, so your fingers are on the home row.
The home row is the cornerstone of learning to type.
It keeps us oriented, it keeps us safe.
You lose the home row, you're in the wilderness.
Cold, alone, waiting for death's sweet kiss.
Okay, let's hit "return" to load your first prompt.
[Tina] Sheila...
went... to... the...
store.
Wow, this is taking forever.
What if I just type how I always type?
Take a quick vacation from home row?
Now Sheila can get where she needs to go.
Wow, Tina, you're fast.
I can't even find the O.
Is that it? Is that it?
Fine, I'm just gonna use the Q.
Uh, Tina, what's happening here?
Your fingers are all over the place.
It's like a Muppet playing piano.
I know, but this has been kind of working for me.
You appear to be typing at 50 WPM
but I don't even understand what I'm looking at.
Just go to the home row.
Go home, go home now.
-Or I just... boom. -[groans]
Where are the emojis on this?
[Tina] Okay, Mom, I typed up your grocery list.
All right.
Gene, I'm gonna print out that letter to Michael McDonald
that you had me type up asking him what a doobie is.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
Anybody else need anything typed?
Can you crap out a paper on photosynthesis real quick?
No, Louise.
Fine. I guess I'll do my homework like an idiot.
Boy, that class has got you typin' up a storm.
I know. I'm in the zone.
And I'm kinda the fastest one in there.
So, yeah, I'm gonna get that easy A,
which means I'm also gonna get to see a belay-full of B.
-Hmm. -Jimmy Jr.'s butt.
-[phone vibrating] -Yep. Got it.
-Hello? -Bob! I-I finished the Gaucho grill.
I did everything they said to do online, but I-I don't know if I built it right.
Can you come over tomorrow and check a look?
Oh, now you want my help?
Yes, please.
Uh, I don't know if I want to.
-What? -Yeah, maybe I'm busy
with my... cool life.
Come on. I'm sorry I called you a grill nerd.
Just come over, Bob, I need you.
[sighs] Okay, fine.
Great. I knew you would, nerd.
-So, how's it look? -Hmm.
"Hmm"? What's "hmm" about it?
It just seems like the lowest level for the grill grate
is still too far from the embers.
Oh, no! No, no, no.
I can't lose this job, Bob.
Rich people make great clients because of all the money they have.
Okay, I-I can help. We can do this.
[whispers] We're gonna fix all his mistakes and make you perfect.
Bob, please don't talk about me to the grill.
[whispering] He doesn't understand you and he never will.
Cut it out, Bob. Don't listen to him, grill. You were my friend first.
[♪ amusing music playing]
-Hey, Belay Buddy. -Hi, Tina.
-Yeah, you are. -What?
You know it.
Well, look at Tina.
Having witty banter in the hallway with my belay buddy,
rocking that A in typing class.
Now nothing can come between me and a harness full of hiney.
I mean, I definitely have an A in typing, right?
[laughs] Oh, you're not getting an A Tina.
What? But I'm the fastest typer in here.
I'm pulling down 75 WPM.
Yes, your bizarre and somewhat grotesque finger waggling
seems to work somehow.
But I can't in good conscience give you an A.
You're not learning to type the way you should.
You're a "street typer." And frankly, it's disgusting.
Okay, fine. If it'll get me an A, I'll use the home row. See?
-[keyboard clacking slowly] -Ty... ping... so... fast.
Yeah, never mind, my fingers hate this.
Ugh, Mr. Grant I need an A so I can have a 2.8-grade point average
so I can go on the field trip to Vertically Challenged.
I wish those words meant anything at all to me, but they just don't.
Listen, my job is to help you not type like a psycho.
It doesn't seem fair.
If I'm fast, it shouldn't matter how I do it.
Okay? What if, uh, what if I can type that fast?
-[♪ dramatic sting] -A hundred and ten words per minute?
Yeah. Then would you give me an A so I could go on the trip?
Tina, I-I'm glad you got big dreams.
Even when those dreams are ridiculously stupid.
So sure, I'll give you an A
-if you can hit 110 WPM. -Yes!
Mr. Grant, my mom wrote me a note.
I can't type today. I have type-one finger-betes.
It looks like my handwriting, but it's not.
[♪ ukulele plays]
...definitely should try cherry wood.
A true temple of meat deserves the best.
Are you talking about your underwear, Dad?
He's texting with Teddy.
Can't wait to throw some beef in there.
Dad's texts to Teddy have taken a turn.
[sighs] Eighty WPMs. Still not fast enough.
Hey T, do you think we can borrow those fast little fingers of yours to,
I don't know, do restaurant stuff?
It's called a work ethic. Heard of it?
-'Cause Gene and I are all about it! -Yeah!
Sorry, can't. I've only got a week to hit 110 words per minute
if I want to go to Vertically Challenged
-and, uh, you know... -See Jimmy Jr.'s butt in a harness.
Yes, we know.
Dad, I was gonna say get to do some fun indoor climbing.
-Oh, sorry. -And also, yeah, see that butt.
Mm-hmm.
♪ A hundred and ten words per minute ♪
♪ You're doing that That's how you win it ♪
♪ A hundred and ten words per minute ♪
♪ You're doing it, man That's how you win it ♪
♪ A hundred and ten... ♪
A 110 WPMs. I did it!
What the... I mean, good. Good for you.
Wow, Tina typed so fast.
And she doesn't even type the way you showed us.
It's like everything you taught us doesn't matter at all.
Maybe Tina should teach the class.
She kinda looks like an old lady already anyway.
Thanks, Jocelyn.
The last part I didn't like. But...
-[growls] -Mr. Grant, your face is weird.
Are you pooping?
I'm not pooping, Jocelyn.
So I get the A, right? I can go on the field trip on Friday?
You can go.
-Yes! -Mr. Grant, just go to the bathroom.
You're gonna have an accident, and it's gonna be a real distraction.
Wow, it turned out great.
We made something beautiful, didn't we, Teddy?
We sure did, Bob. Linda, I'm glad you could come, too.
Even though you didn't help at all.
Well, I wasn't about to work at the restaurant
while you two beef-boys had a "test out the grill" party.
I was only gonna be gone a couple hours.
Also, it's not a party, Lin.
Just 'cause I brought really good meat. And wine. And the perfect pineapple...
And tunes. Bluetooth is a-go.
[♪ upbeat instrumental music playing]
[grunting]
[♪ suspenseful music playing]
All right, that A in typing
-got you your 2.8. -Yay!
Tina's gonna be the first person in our family to graduate eighth grade.
And I'm making a note in the system
that you will be absent from class to attend
the Vertically Challenged field trip on Friday.
Yup, I'll be busy belaying my buddy.
-Uh-huh. -Okay, bye.
-Hmm, that's odd. -What?
Someone put another note in here for something on Friday.
Is it to remember not to come to school on Saturday and Sunday?
A mandatory typing test has been scheduled for Friday
at the exact same time they'll be loading up the bus for the field trip.
A mandatory typing test.
It says "Anyone who misses this test will get an automatic F,
"which could drop some people's GP below 2.8,
"rendering them 'field trip ineligible.'"
Well, that's specific.
What? I'm gonna go all caps on his ass.
-You! -Me?
-Me-Me what? -You know what.
I'm just going into the faculty lounge so I can enjoy my pasta
from last night and the night before.
Don't try to impress us with what you eat for lunch.
What's this B.S. about a "mandatory typing test" at the same time
as we're loading the bus for the field trip?
Ohh, that, right.
Well, it just felt like a good time for a mandatory test, that's all.
But I deserve to go on that field trip! I worked hard for that A!
Yeah, which is not something we usually do, pal.
Look, if you refuse to learn the home row method,
then you'll never be a great typer.
Or succeed at anything at all, ever.
I'm as good a typer as you when you were my age.
I-I bet I'm even a better typer than you now.
[laughs hysterically] That's hilarious, Tina.
You are not a better typer than me.
Yes, I am.
Well, maybe the only way to settle this is a typing battle.
-Huh? -A typing battle?
After school. Tina versus Mr. Grant.
Student versus teacher.
Teen girl versus... late 50s man?
How dare you. Look, I can't have a typing battle with a student.
We're supposed to help students, not demolish them
and leave them in a puddle of their own blood.
-He's scared. -I'm not scared.
Scared of typing battles, scared of intimacy.
I'm not scared of either of those things.
Well, half scared of one.
Then say yes. If I win, there's no typing test on Friday.
And if you lose? Which you will.
I guess you get the pride of having beaten a child at something.
How about if you lose, there's still a test on Friday,
and you have to clean every single keyboard in typing class.
And trust me, you're gonna see some stuff that will haunt you forever.
-You're on. -I will crush you.
But not this afternoon, because I'm getting a thing lasered off.
-But tomorrow afternoon, I will crush you! -[♪ dramatic sting]
Good luck type-battling your teacher, Tina.
Which your mother and I are hoping is totally normal.
-Thanks. -Our girl's ready.
And you should find a spot for Mr. Grant's head.
'Cause we're coming home with it!
Don't bring it home, I wanna declutter.
-You got this, Tina. -Yeah, I do.
Good luck, Tina. You're fighting for all of us, girl.
Thank you. I am.
I hope you win today, Tina.
You deserve to go on that trip even though you kind of gamed the system.
-Thanks. -I'll be there, rooting for you...
With my mouth, not my arms.
I'm pretty sore from all the upper body stuff
I've been doing to get ready for Vertically Challenged.
That's why I keep rubbing this CoolZone cream on.
[sniffs] Whoa, that's potent.
I didn't know we were allowed to bring creams to school.
This changes everything.
You really gotta rub it in.
[groans] It feels so good on my muscles.
-[groans] That's the stuff. -Damn.
-See you later. -Mm-hmm.
-Tina. -Mr. Grant.
Just keep walking, Tina.
We'll see you after school at the type-off, Mr. Grant.
And also Tina will probably see you
during the regular scheduled typing class,
which may be a little awkward today. But, yeah.
I can't believe you were dumb enough to agree to battle a student.
Yeah, what's next? A kid challenges me to a running competition?
I threw my back out pulling up my shorts today.
Guys, cool your muffins. I'm gonna win.
You better win, Grant.
I'm not learning all the state capitals no matter how many kids want to battle me.
-Guys, I'm freaking out. -[bell over door rings]
Oh, God, oh, God. He's got security footage.
He's gonna see everything.
What? What are you talking about?
What security footage?
Elliot, the Gaucho grill guy, apparently has a security camera in his backyard.
-Oh. -Uh-oh.
He texted me asking about the grill.
He just got cell reception back.
He's getting on a plane in Patagonia,
and he's excited to watch the footage
of the grill being built on his layover in Miami.
So, he's gonna see...
Us having a big ol' beef party in his backyard.
-Oh, boy. -He'll never hire me again.
Also, what if he doesn't even pay me for this job?
I dropped a lot of money into that grill.
You just had to add the pineapple grilling hook, didn't you, Bob!
It came with the sausage hook. It was a set, Teddy.
Bob, Teddy, calm down.
We'll figure something out.
Should we just go smash the security camera?
No, no, it's all online.
Okay, okay. Um...
Well, right now, when he watched the footage, you're gonna be the bad guy
who had an unauthorized beef-part with his brand new grill.
-Yeah. -But what if
you were the good guy who heroically saved the grill?
Saved it from what?
[woman announcing on PA]
[♪ soft suspenseful music playing]
Okay, standard type-off rules.
We go three rounds, fastest typer wins the round.
Best out of three wins the whole damn thing.
Oh, and keep it down.
We don't want Principal Spoors finding out about this.
We're not quite sure where he stands on teacher-student battles.
-Hey. -What?
Try not to cry too hard when I whoop you.
Actually, you can use your tears to clean off these filthy keyboards.
I'm... just stretching out my right pinkie because I'm about to delete you.
[laughs] Yeah, she went there.
-Type his head off, Tina. -Yeah!
Okay, people.
-Prompt one. -[♪ dramatic music playing]
[keyboards clacking]
-Who are you rooting for? -What? Tina.
Same.
Mr. Grant, 111 words per minute.
Tina, 108.
First round goes to Mr. Grant.
-[chatter] -Oh, man.
Come on, Tina. You can beat him.
School that teacher.
Yeah. Serve him a piping hot mug of defeat.
Prompt two.
-[keyboard clacking] -[panting]
There she is.
There's our freaky-fingered gal.
[Gene] Look at those fingers bang!
[grunting]
[grunts]
Mr. Grant, 112 words per minute.
Tina, 113.
This round goes to Tina.
[all cheering]
-Crap. -[groans]
Last round, last prompt.
Winner of this wins the type-off.
[Jocelyn] Oh, my God, it could be either of them.
You got him on the ropes, Tina. Now finish him.
Sweep the fingers.
Vertically Challenged, here you come, Tina.
High-ten! [grunts]
Huh, that's a pretty wet high-ten, no judgment.
Wait, my hands feel weird.
My God. Ahh! My fingers are getting all tingly.
Uh-oh, it's the CoolZone stuff from my sore muscles.
Ahh, ahh! They're numb. My fingers are numb.
I can't feel the keys.
-That's not good. -I'm so sorry, Tina.
I was just trying to give you a supportive high-ten.
Ahh! I can't feel anything.
Well, now you know how teachers feel.
-[♪ dramatic sting] -Final prompt.
Wait, wait, wait. Stop!
Hold on the prompt!
I got CoolZone on my hands and now my fingers are numb.
-I'm not gonna be able to type. -Oh, wow.
Let me head over to my filing cabinet and file that under
"Not my problem."
I gotta wipe it off, I gotta wipe it off.
[grunts] It's not working.
[grunts] Quick emergency bathroom trip. [panting]
[struggling]
[groans]
Why won't he just text or call already?
I'm so nervous, I can't even eat.
It's gonna be okay, Teddy. It was a good plan.
Mm, not really.
-[phone vibrates] -Oh, oh! This is him.
Hello. Hey, Elliot. Uh-huh.
Yeah, That's us on the...
Yes, we grilled. We-We were just making sure it worked...
Well, I wouldn't call it a party.
I guess there was some dancing.
Yep, that was... a few cannonballs.
But I'm really sorry...
Oh, yeah, that car came out of nowhere.
And the guy with the bat,
he must've been one of those angry vegetarians I've been hearing about.
They hate grills.
Yeah, I know, the twists and turns of life, huh?
Okay, great.
I'll come over tomorrow. We can settle up. Bye.
Yes, he bought it.
-Yeah! -Seriously?
-[Elliot on call] Hello? -Oh, God. Hey! Sorry,
I'm at an auction and a guy bought a thing.
A very famous pair of pants.
Gotta go. Bye.
I couldn't wash it off.
Would it kill this school to have some warm water or soap
in these freakin' bathrooms?
Soap? Ooh-la-la.
I'm so sorry, Tina. Damn you, CoolZone.
In what zone is this considered cool?
Can we, um, reschedule?
You can't reschedule a type-off, Tina.
Anyway, isn't your little field trip tomorrow?
So yeah, we finish this today.
Sorry, Tina.
Third prompt!
[keyboard clacking]
I don't know where my fingers are.
Aw, I bet you're wishing
you'd just learned to use the home row now, huh, Tina?
But you just had to go your own way, didn't you?
Blaze your own trail with your freakish freestyling?
Well, you know what can happen to trailblazers?
They go up in blazing flames.
Yeah, that was a burn-burn.
Tina, don't let anyone tell you where home row is.
You make your own home row, you crazy SOB!
I can't. I'm gonna lose!
Come on, Tina. Weird, freakish typer.
-[chants] Come on, Tina. -[all chanting] Weird, freakish typer.
Come on, Tina. Weird, freakish typer.
Mr. Grant, 115 words per minute.
Tina, 116!
-Tina wins! -[Tina] What?
[all cheering]
No, no, no!
-Damn it! -Freakin' Grant.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[kisses]
Okay, my lips are numb.
[♪ upbeat music playing]
Did you see me get to that hand hold, Tina?
Oh, I saw. I saw the whole thing.
Looking good up there, buddy.
[Teddy in Spanish] ♪ Parrilla gaucha! ♪
♪ Has prendido fuego ♪
♪ Dentro de mi corazón ♪
♪ Templo de la carne ♪
♪ Siempre te adorare ♪
♪ Parrilla gaucha! ♪