[♪ theme music playing]
Okay, so what are we looking for here?
What's this, Boyz 4 Now thing you're going to, again?
It's the premiere of their new concert film, Boisterous.
Susmita and I and some other girls from school are gonna go see it tomorrow night.
We're gonna get glammed up 'cause of their song,
"Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up!" Sorry, I cursed, but it's in the song.
-"Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up!" -Okay.
Ooh! How about this?
Mom, I love you, but this is freaking Boyz 4 Now, not a baptism.
Yeah, right. Get back in there, you dumb shirt.
Oh! Speaking of dumb shirts, this weekend, I want you kids to pull out
all the clothes that don't fit anymore so we can donate them.
Some lucky little boy's gonna get to wear jeans or jorts.
-[gasps] Oh, my God. -Where are you going?
Towards the not discount stuff? Don't let it pull you in, Tina.
It's the dark side.
-Whoa. -What is it?
-A lady cummerbund? -[Tina] It's a tube top.
What? It's so small. Where's the rest of the tube?
It's the last one. Please be my size.
It is. Mom, Can we get it?
Uh...
I don't know.
Can I please just try it on?
Uh, or maybe you...
-try this on. -A swim shirt?
Yeah. So if someone spills soda on you, not a problem.
Uh, I think I'm just gonna go try on the tube top.
Okay. Uh... This one's got UV protection.
Never mind.
Why do we call them menus?
Why don't we call them wo-menus?
-Yeah, Dad, you sexist pig. -[Bob Belcher] Hmm.
-[thud on glass window] -What just happened?
Did someone just try to throw a really soft brick at us?
[Louise] Aww, poor guy.
-Must have flown into our window. -Your window.
Yeah, that window is dangerous, Bob. I know from experience.
The glass is just totally see-through.
I mean, that's what glass is, Teddy.
-Yeah, not good. -Is it just me, or is this bird gorgeous?
It looks like it flew here from Carnival.
-It is interesting looking. -[bird chirping]
-Ahh! -It's okay, Bob. Don't be embarrassed
'cause you're scared of a half-dead bird.
-Thanks, Teddy. -So what happens now?
Get this guy airlifted to the best bird hospital in the country?
Maybe we can call someone who knows about birds?
Birdman? I mean, you'll have to listen
to a lot of improvisational jazz, but he might be helpful.
I know a guy. He works at a wildlife rescue.
He helped me with that injured bat I thought was gonna turn me into a vampire.
-Oh, okay. -It did not, by the way.
Thanks for asking.
Tina, do you hate it?
Should we put it back? Hand it to me. I'll put it back.
Oh, gosh, I mean... Wow!
I love it. Do you love it?
[stuttering] Yeah.
I feel like I'm older, but I'm also magic.
And I live in a castle that's also a disco.
It's just, you know, it's so expensive,
which is the only problem I have with it.
It's totally fine that so much of your skin is showing.
-Well, what if I buy it with my own money? -Oh!
But buying this would really wipe out my savings.
Right, that's not good.
I've sort of been saving up for the beret brownstone.
It's a little townhouse for your berets.
Oh, yeah, you got to get that.
That's a game changer.
Huh. Maybe I shouldn't buy it.
Yes! I mean, right.
-Good choice, hon. -Thanks.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh...
Ding-dong. Anybody home?
Sorry, that's probably more fun when you're four.
Ding-dong. Sorry I did it again.
Yeah, I'm gonna go change.
So yeah, I'm definitely not a vampire.
I go in sunlight all the time. I eat all the garlic I want.
Anyway, Craig, I'm gonna hand you over to Bob.
It was his window that the bird flew into.
We're all kind of thinking that this is his fault.
What? Uh, hi, this is Bob. Uh, it's not really my fault, right?
Uh, you wanna know how it looks?
Uh, I guess like it flew into a window.
And also, like a feathery sleeping beauty.
-Say that. -Gene, shush.
Oh, a video would help? Uh, okay.
-I'll take it. -And tell Craig we're deciding between
naming him Tweet Aldrich or Jonathan Tail-or Thomas.
Taily for short.
Ask him if he has a preference.
-No. -Excuse me?
-Did he get it? -Did you get the... Oh. Okay.
He's watching it.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
He says that's an unusual species for this area.
Yeah, that bird's from Hot-assachusetts.
What? Yeah, it's still alive.
Oh. No, it's dead.
It's totally dead.
-Oh, yeah. -Aw, damn it!
[wails] Why?
Okay. Well, I guess that's the end of this interaction,
uh, 'cause the bird is dead.
Uh, so...
-Uh, bye. -Bye, Craig.
We're back! With the fun shirt for Tina.
-Sort of fun. -And underwear for everybody.
-Oh. -Sorry. Not for you, Teddy.
-Oh, okay. -Anyway, what did we miss?
Is that a dead bird?
Yes, he was beautiful and he loved life
and he especially loved to shake a tail feather, I assume!
Aw, sad.
And gross.
Why is it here?
Well, it flew into our window and we tried to help it, but it died.
So is it just gonna stay here or...
Well, I was thinking, maybe, the dumpster could be a nice place to put it.
-Father! -How dare you?
This stunning creature deserves a proper burial
and a shout out at the Oscars in memoriam.
At the very least.
Well, the dinner rush is coming soon, and then it'll be dark.
So why don't we figure out a dignified bird body disposal plan later.
Dumpsters still on the table.
-I've made a decision. -Huh?
Mom, I really liked that tube top, a lot.
-Tube top? -Tube top.
-Tube socks? -Tube top.
-Oh. -Life's too short. Look at that dead bird.
Just look at it. What did I miss out on, huh?
I don't want to live with regret.
I'm gonna go back to the mall and return the shirt
and buy that tube top with my own money.
-Oh. -How could you be talking about tube tops
at a time like this? And also, what color was it?
-Fireball Fuchsia. -Sequins?
-Like you wouldn't believe. -Okay, I'll allow it.
But what about the beret brownstone?
My berets are gonna have to couch surf a little longer.
Mom, one more quick trip to the mall, please?
-[sighs] Oh, okay. -Great. I'll go get my money.
[sighs]
Hey, Linda, since you're going there anyway,
could you pick up some XL Fruit of the Looms?
-Assorted whites. -Yeah, sure, Teddy.
So it's shaped like a tube and it's a top?
You know who should wear those? Snakes.
Wish I had gotten the memo that the theme for dinner was Studio 54.
I have outfits, too, you know.
I'm just trying to break it in before Boisterous.
-[cell phone vibrating] -It's a very nice tube top.
-[Louise] Mm-hmm. -Hey, Teddy.
-We're eating dinner. Can I call you back? -I just had an idea.
-Are you busy? -I mean, we're eating dinner.
What if we bury the bird in my yard? It's grassy. It's peaceful.
-My guinea pig Francis is buried there. -[Linda] What's he saying?
He says we could bury the bird in his backyard.
He buried his guinea pig there.
-[Gene] Oh. The one you sat on? -Uh. Yeah.
[Tina] Jeez, what animals didn't you kill?
There are some.
But if we use my yard, no headstone, okay?
I took Francis's headstone out
'cause I've been thinking about getting into cornhole. You know, for exercise.
Yeah, Teddy, I don't know if we need to do any of that.
-I'll get donuts. -Donuts?
-[Louise] Donuts? -[Tina] I've heard of donuts.
[Gene] I've been known to go nuts for donuts.
[sighs] Okay, fine.
How about we do it tomorrow morning before we open?
Great. I'm not inviting Mort.
What? Why are you saying that?
Just 'cause it's about death doesn't mean Mort gets to come.
-Some funerals are just for us. -[oven dings]
Okay, Bob, I gotta go. I'm about to eat dinner.
So I won't be available for a while. Don't call during dinner, Bobby.
-[sighs] Oh, my God. -Yay! Donut bird funeral.
[Tina] You know, tube tops are kind of the donuts of the clothing world.
-Something to think about, huh? -Yep. Yep.
-I need some ice cream. -Yes, please.
-Yeah! -Oh, right. The bird's in here.
It was that or just sitting around the house, decomposing.
-Like Dad does. -Gene.
Oh, God, pushing it to the side. [gags]
Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. Are we too good
to have dead birds near our frozen foods?
I want us to be, but I guess we're not.
So I guess it was gonna happen at some point.
The dead bird in our freezer,
-or Tina wearing a tube top to dinner? -Both.
Well, it's better than when Gene first saw Austin Powers
and he was walking around the house naked,
holding fruit in front of his privates and saying, "Yeah, baby."
Also, didn't you want to wear stuff like that when you were Tina's age?
I mean, there was this one summer where all the girls switched
to wearing bikinis and I didn't want to.
Oh, why not?
Well, I had a bit of a situation back then.
From my navel to my downtown area,
there was a pretty serious strip of hair.
-Really? -I don't have it anymore.
I guess it was a puberty thing.
But anyway, I was pretty embarrassed about it.
I tried to bleach it, but then I had a Lance Bass treasure trail.
I don't know who that is, but I think I can still follow the story.
So, yeah, I didn't wear a bikini back then.
I'm sorry about that.
But Tina doesn't have that issue, does she?
No. But that's not the only reason to not wear a tiny tube top.
It's just... My mother used to say
what you wore told the world if you were a smart-smarty or a tart-tarty.
Yeah, but she was wrong. Like she often is.
Also Tina's a smart-smarty, so you know, it might be fine.
I know she is.
But, ugh, why don't they just make tube tops that cover more of your skin?
-So, a shirt? -Yeah, a tube shirt, that could catch on.
-Hmm. -Oh, hush, you just don't get it.
-Tube shirt. [snores] -Hmm.
Okay, let's go to Teddy's and bury a bird we met yesterday.
And then get back here as quickly as possible.
We're all getting tattoos of this bird afterwards,
and I don't wanna hear another word about it.
-No. -Kids, did everyone put their clothes
that don't fit anymore in the box in the hall?
-Yup. -Not yet.
Louise is looking through my old stuff.
I want to drop the box off at the donation place on the way to Teddy's.
Kill two birds, one stone. [laughs]
-Good Lord. -Poor taste, Mom.
Sorry. So, Louise, you find anything?
[sighs] Not much, Mom.
Tina's clothes have done some hard living.
A lot of stains, a lot of smells.
Just wait till you're 13, princess.
Okay, whatever. I'm gonna go pee real quick.
[Gene] Pee real slow.
If Taily taught us anything, it's to live in the moment.
I know that's true.
And I don't know if there's a heaven for birds,
but there is Jonathan Tail-or Thomas in it,
and he's flying around right now with his angel wings,
which I guess he has in addition to his regular wings.
I just hope it's not too many wings.
Um... Gene.
[singing] ♪ Tail-or, hoo-hoo ♪
♪ I miss you, bro ♪
♪ My dad failed you, hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Killed by his window ♪
♪ And if justice had prevailed ♪
♪ Right now his butt would be in jail ♪
♪ Tail-or, hoo-hoo ♪
♪ I cannot wait until I see you ♪
♪ At the pearly gates ♪
♪ You'll say, who in heaven do you want to see? ♪
♪ It could be any celebrity ♪
♪ Taily, it's just you ♪
♪ You're the person I'm most excited to see when I get to heaven ♪
-The end. -Okay,
so coffee and donuts are right this way, if you want to follow me.
And if you're a fan of Boston Cream,
-sorry, I already ate those. -Oh.
Hey, is it okay if I go up now and start getting ready for Boisterous?
Get tubular, so to speak.
-Uh, yeah, that's fine. -Okay! Okay, great!
Lin, easy.
Can Gene and I be done, too? 'Cause, you know, we're grieving.
[sighs] You've told me that so many times today, Louise.
The answer's still no.
[cell phone vibrating]
Hello? Yes, this is Bob.
You got our number from Craig?
Oh, right. Wildlife Rescue Craig.
Uh-huh. Yeah, the one with the long tail and...
Oh. Oh... No.
It was your bird?
His name was Zeus.
Jonathan Tail-or Thomas had an owner?
You can't own a bird.
That's what that song Free Bird was all about.
I'm so sorry.
Oh. Of course you want the remains.
But we, um, buried him in our handyman's backyard.
Tell them it was a lovely service.
Mention the speech, but just the highlights.
Oh, okay.
Uh. I will text you the address and I guess meet you there.
See you soon, bye.
She wants to go dig up her bird.
-What? Why? -Maybe because she doesn't think
it makes sense for her longtime pet to be buried in a stranger's yard.
Where should he be buried, her yard? Okay. Yeah, that's fair.
It's gone! My tube top is gone.
-What? -No! This is all just too much.
I laid it out on my bed this morning and now it's not anywhere.
I'm just gonna ask what everyone's thinking.
Did we accidentally bury the bird in Tina's tube top?
I feel like we would've remembered doing something like that.
But also, we're all really fragile right now, so I just don't know.
-No, we didn't. -Okay. Just checking.
[grunting] Where the frig is my frigging tube top?
It's got to be in here somewhere.
Unless it hopped a train to Tubson, Arizona. [chuckles]
Mom, now is not the time.
-Sorry. -How's it going?
Are you throwing clothes everywhere because you found it?
No, Dad, we didn't find it.
Okay, I'm gonna walk over to Teddy's
to meet the owner of the dead bird and help dig it up.
And Gene and Louise want to come because they're really strange.
I love you but I have less than an hour to find the tube top,
get ready and get to the theater.
So unless you're fireball fuchsia, covered in sequins
and give me a tiny bit of an armpit rash, I need you to move along.
-Just go, Bob. Go. -Going. Uh, have a nice time at the thing.
-You have a nice time at the thing! -[Bob] Yeah.
So sorry again for your loss
and for burying your pet bird.
-Zeus. -Right, Zeus.
Uh, what kind of bird was he?
A Pin-tailed Whydah. I had him for eight years.
Wow, I think that means you two are legally married.
-Sometimes it felt that way. -Oh.
-'Cause we bickered a lot. -Oh, got it.
-Wait. What did you think? -Nothing at all.
So Whydah you think he flew away? Sorry.
We had a little tiff that morning.
He didn't like the new kind of bird food I got him.
I tried to tell him that the kind he liked had been discontinued.
And he was having quite a 'tude about it.
Like Mom, when the store ran out of her crackers.
Yeah. That was tense.
I said, "Well, aren't you just a little pampered prince?"
And I guess I didn't close the door on the cage all the way and he got out.
[crying] And then the window in the bedroom was open
and he got out of the apartment.
[hyperventilating] So the last conversation we had was a fight.
And you say to yourself, "Why him, God? Why did you take him instead of me?"
Oh, I mean, no.
Oh. Uh...
Any-whosey-doozy,
not sure this is the right spot.
Are we possibly digging in the wrong spot?
I thought this was the spot.
Do you not know where he's buried?
No, no, no, we do.
It's just... There's a lot of leaves on the ground,
so it's hard to see the fresh dirt. Uh.
Kids, do you remember where we buried him?
I remember it was definitely in this yard...
or that yard.
-It was a yard. Or maybe the beach? -[Bob] Hmm.
You think you got under the mattress somehow?
I don't know. I'm not a tube top scientist.
Mom, why aren't you looking?
What? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm looking.
Not there. Not there.
-Here, tube top. Here, girl. -Wait a second.
You don't want me to find my tube top, do you?
You hate my tube top.
What? No, I don't... That much.
You hid it somewhere, didn't you?
What? No!
Yes, you did. What did you do with it? Did you throw it away?
-Oh, My God. -Tina, where are you going?
Honey, stop. Don't go through the trash.
Why? Because you don't want me to find it?
-Ugh, that's slimy. -Tina, this is ridiculous.
Is it? Ugh, something wet.
Is it because I'm getting warmer? Oh, boy, wet and slimy.
Huh, Mom? Aha!
Okay, that's a chicken bone.
I don't know why I thought that was a tube top.
-I hit something. -Oh, thank God.
Zeus.
Wait, what is that?
-That is Francis. -Oh, God.
I could tell because I buried her with her favorite chew toy.
Also, this is clearly a decomposing guinea pig.
-[Bob] Mm-hmm. -Yeah.
-Phyllis, is this close enough or... -Not really.
-No? Okay. -[sighs]
Bringing up a lot of feelings.
You think you move past something,
and then you're right back in it.
Teddy, can we focus on the other grieving pet owner right now?
Yeah. Yeah, right.
Bob sat on Francis, by the way.
Okay. Great. Thank you, Teddy.
You don't have to tell the story right now.
No, I'll tell it.
-It was a cold, crisp night. -Oh, my God.
Tina, no! Don't go in the dumpster.
You're gonna get a dumpster disease.
Why do you hate my tube top so much, Mom?
-Umm... -Yeah?
-Because... -Because, why?
Because you look like a hoochie-hoochie. Sorry.
A hoochie-hoochie?
A floozy-doozy, a skanky-panky.
Well, I... I think I look really nice in it. So, I'm sorry you don't like it.
That's why you got rid of it? Because I look like a skanky-panky?
No, Tina, I didn't get rid of it.
When would I have even done it?
It was on your bed. Then we went to the bird funeral.
Then I went right into the restaurant when we got home.
Well, what about when you went to "pee" before we left for the funeral?
It was the perfect cover. You walked past my room,
you saw the tube top and you seized the opportunity.
[laughs maniacally] I'm going to kill you.
Tina, that didn't happen, I swear.
I mean, did I think about getting rid of the tube top?
Did I fantasize about it? Sure.
[♪ rock music playing]
[laughs maniacally]
But I didn't do it.
Then what the heck happened to it?
Well, Louise was in there, right?
To see if she wanted any of your old clothes.
Not this. Not this.
Ugh. No, thank you.
[Tina] Right. And then I went in there
and grabbed all the stuff to throw in the box.
Oh, my God, I put my tube top in the donations box.
-Oh, no! -We gotta go get it back!
Okay, oh, I hope we can find it.
I don't smell like I've been in a dumpster, do I?
Oh, it's fine. Every teenager smells like they've been in a dumpster.
[Tina] Oh, I hope my tube top's okay.
[Linda] Don't worry, honey. We'll get it back.
Hey, Slowy Deschanel!
-Go already. Come on! -[honks]
-Don't have road rage, okay? -Okay.
What are you looking at?
Okay. Good news. Bad news.
The good news is I found something.
The bad news is I'm pretty sure
it's my downstairs neighbor Mr. Zibinsky's iguana
that passed away last year.
I feel like saying good news was unnecessary.
Yeah, I just wanted to put a positive spin on it.
I'm gonna lie down for a bit.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by sadness.
-Oh, God. -Okay.
[quietly] Dig, guys. Dig, please find this bird right now.
I'm not even gonna mention the ferret skeleton I just found.
Yeah, you should just toss that right back in.
I'm so sorry, Tina.
I can't believe someone bought it that fast.
I can. Let's just go to the theater.
Or maybe just go home.
-Oh, hon. -[sighs]
I feel like that Boyz 4 Now song,
"I just want to cry myself to sleep in my brand new bed."
[gasp] Look, there it is. Edith has it.
Edith! Did, uh, did you just buy that tube top?
Wow. Coming in hot.
Not that it's any of your business,
but, yes, I'm gonna wear it to the Crafts Festival
Harold and I are going to.
Crochetlapalooza.
Yarn, drugs and everything in between.
So, any more dumb questions or are we done here?
Ah, just one more.
Okay. I think we need a plan for how to tell Phyllis
that her reburial is maybe not gonna happen.
Is it rude to quietly run away?
No, right?
Can I come too, even though I live here?
-I'm gonna go. -Oh, no.
-Really? -So soon?
[sighs] Yeah, I'm gonna go home.
Maybe smell Zeus' perch for a while.
Wait, hold on. This looks like fresh dirt.
I'm gonna dig.
Oh, please, please, please, please.
Oh, please.
Oh, Zeus!
There he is.
-Finally! -It's you.
[breathes] I'm sorry we fought.
I love you.
I'll always love you.
Gah, that's nice.
[high-pitched] Tweet! Tweet, tweet.
[continues tweeting]
Uh, what's going on?
This feels like a private conversation.
Hey, what are you doing out there?
-Is that my Igor? -[tweeting continues]
Oh, God. Hi, Mr. Zibinsky.
Everything's fine!
Just gearing up for some cornhole.
[whispering] Bury the iguana. Bury the iguana.
Please, Edith, you gotta give us the tube top back.
Nope. No way.
A tube top like this comes along once in a lifetime.
The sequins, the fit.
It's gonna be a real jug jamboree in this thing.
[sighs]
You know, I actually hate that frigging tube top.
And I didn't want Tina to wear it.
Ah, great. This again.
It's a very small piece of clothing.
I mean, I wouldn't have had the guts to wear it at her age.
Why? Because you're a lame-ass?
No. Maybe. I was a little ashamed of my furry belly.
-Huh? -Oh, you mean your human body, you idiot?
What I'm saying is, I had my own issues
and all the other stuff, the hoochie-hoochie stuff.
Sorry. My mom uses the term "hoochie-hoochie."
But the most important thing is that
my daughter tried that top on and she felt beautiful.
And I want her to feel beautiful and confident and good about herself.
And all the other crap I'm feeling doesn't matter as much as that.
Okay, I'll give it to you.
-Yeah? -Really?
-For a thousand dollars. -What?
-Deal. -No.
Fine. 750 and a ride to the crafts festival.
-It's in Ohio. -Deal.
How about 43 dollars and some mints from my purse?
I'll take it.
We're here. Go, go, go.
-Okay, bye. -Wait, Tina,
when should I pick you up? Like a couple of hours?
Oh, no, the movie is over four hours long.
-Holy crap. -Yeah,
there's one song called, "I'm still best friends with all 38 of my exes."
And Boo Boo brings them all onstage one by one.
-Okay. -Okay, bye.
-Wait, Tina! -Yeah?
You look beautiful.
Thanks, Mom.
Oh, my God! Is that her nipple sticking out?
Honey, wait! Oh.
Just a sequin. Just a stray seat.
Forget I said anything.
You're beautiful! Okay, bye! Driving away now. I'm driving away.
♪ Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up ♪
♪ If your name is Nancy I'd call you a fancy Nancy ♪
♪ Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up ♪
♪ Well, I'm sorry to swear ♪
♪ But I love your formal wear ♪
♪ Girl, look at you You clean up nice ♪
♪ I heard that you ironed those pants twice ♪
♪ Don't get me wrong You wanna be patriotic ♪
♪ I'm gonna pay you this compliment Girl, you sparkle ♪
♪ Damn, Yup! You Glammed Up ♪
♪ If your name was Tammy ♪
♪ I would call you... ♪