- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --
Aw, new pennies, so shiny.
Got your whole life ahead of you.
- Don't end up in the gutter. - Ugh.
It's doing that weird clanky-wobbly-screechy thing again.
- What, your ding-a-ling? - Or is it your butt this time?
I'm guessing your back?
No, it's our meat grinder.
I think it's finally seriously time to get a new one.
Aw, really?
But the meat grinder's like part of the family.
It watched the kids grow up. And never grinded them once.
I know. That was nice of it.
But it gets jammed all the time and it fights me
unless I wiggle the crank halfway through every turn.
So, we're back on your ding-a-ling?
- Gene. - Oh, Gayle's here.
And she's running? Oh, she fell.
She's up. Okay, she's fine.
She's fine.
Guess who you're looking at?
I know this one. Aunt Gayle.
You're looking at... a contestant
on the next season of Tough Stuff Island.
- Tough Stuff Island? - The TV show?
- The one on TV? - That's the one.
Oh, that show where the contestants are
on an island and they have to do
all sorts of obstacles and challenges?
But the hardest challenge is figuring out where
- to poop, I assume. - Yup.
And the winner of the show gets a million dollars.
Aunt Gayle, you could win a million dollars.
I probably will, right? Just as soon as they pick me.
- Oh. - After they see my audition tape.
Which I... I haven't sent in yet
- 'cause I haven't made it yet. - Mm.
But as far as everyone in my apartment building thinks,
I've already been cast on the show.
- Why do they think that? - 'Cause I told them that.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Isn't that gonna be maybe a little hard since they...
they kind of pick people who look, um, muscle-y?
- And maybe mostly under 40? - No, no, Mom,
there's always a scrappy middle-aged contestant
who can do one-armed pull ups or something.
I bet I could even do two-armed pull-ups.
- Whoa. - Anyway, that's why I'm here, Linda.
I need your help making my audition tape.
- Oh. - Uh-huh. Uh...
I'm thinking I'll climb a building...
I'm a good climber... or swim across the ocean?
You know, one of the littler ones. Or both.
- Seems doable. - I don't have it all worked out,
but I do know that at the end, I'm gonna rip off my shirt
and right here on my upper belly it'll say "Cast Gayle."
Which I would need to re-do for the actual tape
because I wrote it upside down.
That's how you spell Gayle?
- I think so. - What are we waiting for?
Let's get cracking on this audition tape, people.
No. No, no. W-wait, hang on.
I don't know about this one, Gayle.
- It seems tough. - Yeah, Mom,
that's the name of the show. Tough Stuff Island.
But maybe too tough?
Linda, why can't you help me for once in your life?
Gayle, I help you all the time.
I helped you build a fake person
to put in your window so burglars didn't think you lived alone,
I-I helped you build a panic room
for just your cats,
I let you practice on me
to see if doing acupuncture was your thing...
uh, PS, it's not... and that was just last week.
Okay, fine, you don't want to help?
I'll just tape a camera to my head
and do action stuff in front of a mirror.
Just have to get a mirror.
Don't worry. I'll never ask you for anything ever again.
Can I borrow some money?
For the camera and tape? And the mirror?
I'll pay you back when I get the million.
Yeah, we don't have any
hand-crank meat grinders
'cause we live in the present day now.
All we have are these electric ones.
Oh, these cost more money than my old one did.
This one right here will grind
between four to five pounds per minute.
Whoa. That would take me, like, a half hour with my grinder.
Yeah, this thing doesn't just grind meat.
- It makes time. - It makes time. Wow.
- There's still magic in this world. - I have a credit card.
Okay, let's get that out.
This is when you got to dig deep.
They're pushing 50-gallon drums
full of the heaviest sand we could find.
This is when you're asking yourself,
"Am I tough stuff?"
Why would Gayle even think she could go on this show anyway?
Those are young, strong people with body hair
- where you'd expect it to be. - Mm.
And-and muscles.
I mean, Gayle and I are past that point in our lives.
Like, I could always do a split
on the dance floor and then I couldn't
at my cousin Teresa's wedding.
- Remember that? - Uh. Uh... uh-huh.
And I was fine with that.
I mean, I won't do a split anymore.
- So what? - Uh, same for me.
I'll-I'll stop doing splits at weddings.
- Bob. - What?
If you think your stuff is tough enough,
we want to see your audition.
But, of course, not everyone's stuff is up to snuff.
Ouch! We'll be right back.
- What the hell is that? - I-I wasn't looking.
I'm-I'm reading the grinder manual.
They humiliate people who send in bad auditions?
Oh, yeah, I-I kind of remember that now.
That's horrible.
They don't say their names, do they?
Don't they blur their faces or something?
You think those people don't know who they are?
And their families and their neighbors?
- That's gonna be Gayle. - Right.
Her name's gonna be written on her hairy, jiggly belly
for everyone to see.
Like a sack of mayo with hair stuck to it.
Oh, God. Would it help to hear more
about the electric grinder? How many gears do you think it has?
Bob, we've got to shoot her audition video.
- We do? - And edit it.
Oh... O-okay.
She cannot end up on that
"let's laugh at these idiots" rejection reel, Bob.
- She would be crushed. - Yes. Yes. Got it.
- Do you get it? - Yes, I got it.
- Crushed. - So we'll-we'll help her
- make a good audition tape? - Boring.
- Boring audition tape. - Why... Wait. Okay.
Simple. Instantly forgettable.
Okay, but not me, right?
I-I got to stay in the restaurant.
Plus, Lin... meat grinder?
I don't know if you noticed, but I got a new one and...
Okay, you're asleep.
It has four gears, by the way.
- Four. Four, four. - Yeah.
Here, I'll hold up the picture.
Oh, look who's the early bird nerd.
Yeah, with the new grinder,
I was done downstairs pretty quick.
Now I'm just figuring out what to do with my morning.
Organize paperwork, maybe? Learn French or Spanish?
It's just freed up a lot of time.
Too bad we're already grown, papa.
Yeah, you could've spent more time with us, but you blew it.
Yeah. Oh, well.
Do you want to come with us to the park?
- No, I'm busy. - Okay, all right.
We're off to film Gayle's audition tape.
We'll be back as soon as we can.
Yup. We got some big ideas... Gayle fights a bear...
Do we know a good place to rent a bear?
- Maybe no bears. - We'll see.
Does anyone know if Gayle has her helicopter pilot's license?
I want to say she does?
I-I think we want this to be
a kind of normal audition tape, you know?
- Normal? - I mean, great normal.
Uh, you know, exciting normal.
Like "Wow, can you believe how normal that was?
But also really good?"
- So, like, bread? - Yes. Yes, exactly.
We're gonna make the bread of audition tapes.
Uh, yeah, let's go, 'cause I actually just
thought of a place that might rent bears.
- Now I want bread. - Bear first, then bread.
But the bear doesn't get any bread.
- Aw. - Fine. One bread.
You want to film some of this?
Uh, no.
So I thought we'd start over here with the step-ups.
- Step-ups? - Step-ups? - Yeah, step-ups.
You step up on the beam and then you step down.
- Then what? - Then you step up again.
- And then you... - Step back down.
Got it. W-Wait...
How about Gayle does a few step-ups
but then she, like, rips the beam out of the ground
and twirls it above her head?
We just have to dig this part up a little bit.
No, no, no. The normal step-ups
are gonna look great on tape.
Okay. What if Gene climbs on Gayle's back
while she's doing it?
And I've got my hands over her eyes
and I'm screaming "I'm doing this because I love you!"
Gayle, just do some step-ups. Gene, no climbing on Aunt Gayle.
- Boo. - And action.
And I'm stepping up
and I'm stepping down.
And rip it out of the ground.
- Okay. - No, no, no, no, no.
Just stick with the stepping.
- Oh. - Yeah.
And, Gene, get ready to mount Gayle.
- Always ready. - Kids, knock it off.
Tina, you're the bear. In three, two...
- Wait, what... Uh... - Cue Gene and the bear.
Nope, nope.
Gayle, look out! Bear!
Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Perfect. We'll clean it up in post.
Let's keep moving, people.
One burger of the day.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, come to papa, my lunchtime lover.
Mm. I-I don't like it when you call the burger
your lunchtime lover.
You w... I-I thought you said it was okay
as long as it wasn't every time.
- Fine, fine. - Mm.
Mmm.
What? I won't say it next time.
- I'll just think it. - No, no. I was just, you know,
seeing what you think of the burger.
- It's good. - Yeah. And?
And... it fills an empty hole inside of me?
It's the one time of the day that I feel okay?
Oh, sorry.
I-I was just asking about the burger itself.
'Cause I-I got a new meat grinder.
Oh. I kind of bared my soul there.
You're talking about how does this meat taste?
Yeah. Does it taste any different?
Okay. Yeah, now I'm getting something.
Mm, there it is.
Different but really good, but not too different.
- Mm. Is that right? - Um, it's whatever you think.
But is it what you want me to think?
I didn't know there was gonna be a quiz today, Bobby.
Do you want to see it?
- Fast, huh? - So fast.
- This part lights up. - Does it?
Yeah. It's a little work light, I guess.
Or maybe for parties?
It's a really nice meat grinder.
- You notice anything else? - Eh...
I organized those shelves. I mean, I started to.
Uh, geez.
I feel like you should put a sheet over the old one
so it doesn't have to watch this.
I always pictured its eyes were on the other side,
so it's staring at the wall.
You think the eyes are on that side?
- The eyes are on this side. - All right, you know what?
This is over. Let's go back upstairs.
- Eh... - I'm going back up.
So, we're gonna get you running on the beach.
The ocean's nice
and people can sort of focus on that, if they want to.
Maybe I could even pan to it a bit.
You know, in the background, if need be and just-just,
- you know, pan a little bit. - And maybe you film Aunt Gayle
rescuing Tina from a shark attack.
Ooh, I like that.
Wait, why is a shark attacking me?
- Does it know I'm a bear? - No, no shark attack. No.
How about you start on me, a handsome sunbather.
Gayle enters frame, running like the wind,
and she hurdles me, saying, "Nice tan, young man."
All right, kids, stop. I know you're trying to help,
but Gayle is just gonna do a normal...
hopefully coordinated... running down the beach.
Action.
And panning to the ocean.
And... go.
Wait, wait, wait, stop.
Why you doing that? You look like a giant baby.
What? You know this is how I climb stairs.
- No, it's not. - Yeah, they did that study.
This is how people are supposed to climb stairs.
Everyone else is doing it the dumb way.
How about we try it the dumb way on this next take, okay?
I think this is gonna make a good finale.
- Eh. - Finale? Going up stairs?
- Yeah. Look how many there are. - I-I'm sorry, Mom,
do you think "finale" means "dumb, unimpressive thing"?
You kids just don't understand editing.
We got a lot of stuff.
We put a little music under it, it's gonna be great.
Just saying, Gene is ready for Gayle to kick him
through the goalposts like he's a football.
It's not gonna hurt, is it?
- Nah. Uh-uh. - Everyone, trust me.
- Mm... - Okay? Trust my vision.
- Mm. - And... action.
This feels weird.
- Does it look weird? - Really weird.
Shush, shush, shush.- ♪ ♪
Eh?
Wow. That's great.
You stopped it before I ripped off my shirt.
You got to see a little bit.
It's better. Leave 'em wanting more.
I say give 'em all of it all the time.
Uh, Mom, can I talk to you in the kitchen?
It's about something private.
Um, my butt.
And Tina and Gene need to come, too.
Okay. Okay. Ow. Ow.
That tape isn't gonna get Aunt Gayle
on Tough Stuff Island.
We don't know that. It's good enough.
And there's nothing better than good enough.
A million dollars, Mom. A million dollars.
Gayle said she's a good climber.
She didn't climb anything besides stairs.
- And the step-up. - Right, and the step-up.
- Sort of. - Was. She was a good climber.
She was a great climber, but it's not like
she can just climb to the top of the Old Mill Drawbridge
and jump into the canal like she used to
- when we were teenagers. - Wait, what?
You guys were teenagers? Hot.
Let's film that. Why aren't we filming that?
What? No. I said it's not like she could do that.
That was a really long time ago. Things are different now.
Yeah, do we even have drawbridges anymore?
Did you guys live in a castle when you were teenagers?
Come on, Mom. Climbing up a bridge?
Jumping into a canal?
That's what we should have been filming today.
- Not the crap show we just watched. - Crap show?
Yeah. It means a show that's not good.
Yeah, I know, Tina. That is the tape we are sending in.
Kids, I am going back into the living room.
You meet me in there and bring crackers
and a better attitude.
And cheese.
And that dip that might be expired.
Smell it first. Thank you.
Guys, if Aunt Gayle says she can still climb that bridge,
then we got to film her climbing that bridge.
I mean, that's what's gonna get her on the show.
But what about everything Mom just said?
Tina, Mom is not on team million dollars anymore.
She's on team being weird for some reason.
Sorry, I don't follow sports.
So, what do we do?
The only thing we can do.
- _ - Next stop, Old Mill Drawbridge.
Hi, kids!
I brought coffee!
You kids drink coffee, right?
I ran out of filters so I used a T-shirt,
but I think it tastes better. Try it.
Mmm, cottony.
So, this is what the sun does in the morning.
Little showy-offy.
I've been up since 4:00. My clocks are on Europe time
'cause my cats think we all live in Paris.
That explains their attitude.
Ah, I can't wait to see the Old Mill Drawbridge.
When we were in high school,
Linda and I used to go there all the time.
We smoked so much... meat there.
Ah, to be young again.
Smoking meat after school like there's no tomorrow.
Where is Linda? Why couldn't she come?
Oh, yeah, she wanted to come,
but, ugh, she had to wash father.
Today's the day. Once a month.
- She hoses him off out back. - Okay. Makes sense.
Time for some pump-up tunes.
Pump the Gayle, pump her up ♪
♪ Pump the Gayle up... ♪
Is this you singing over the song?
Yeah. I heard it on the radio
and I recorded myself singing
'cause I thought of better lyrics.
♪ Get the Gayle, going on the Gayle floor. ♪
- Eh, morning, babe. - Morning. I made breakfast and coffee.
There's some breakfast left.
I-I've been up for a while.
Aw. Can't you sleep in a little with the new grinder?
You don't have to get up so early
and do all your grinding anymore, right?
Yeah, but nobody told my body, so, yeah,
breakfast, that I also ate some of.
You don't need to know how much there used to be.
- It was a lot. - Why does it smell like fart in here?
- I mean... - Oof. Sulfur. It's sulfur-y.
- Yeah. Six eggs. - Oh, my God. Bob.
- Yeah. - Did the kids have any?
No, 'cause they're gone. They left, like, a while ago.
- They left? - Yeah.
They said you knew they were going with Gayle someplace
and they said if you're looking for the audition tape,
they have it 'cause they want to find
a cool envelope to put it in.
But now that I see your face,
I feel like I didn't ask enough questions.
And they had towels, which I didn't ask about.
What?!
♪ Gayle my day ♪
- ♪ Gayle my day. ♪ - Oh, who's that?
Oh, uh, it's someone named Spam Risk?
- You don't want to get that. - He sounds interesting.
No! Avoid. His last name is Risk.
His first name is working for me.
I say give him a chance.
But not today, right, Gene?
Right. Today we play hard to get.
Hmm. I've never done that before. Fun.
Now I got to go to the bridge
to stop Gayle from doing something dumb
'cause our dumb kids are dumb.
Where are the keys? Where are the keys?!
Uh, Linda, do you want me to drive?
Y-You seem a little ragey.
- I am not ragey! - No, right.
Uh, it's just that when you're like this...
not ragey at all... but, you know,
you don't always drive as well as you normally do.
Move it, Slowbodon Milosovic!
Yeah, you can drive.
Well, I haven't climbed it in years,
but it'll come back, right?
Just like climbing a bridge.
If anything, I've only gotten stronger and hotter since then.
And my bottom muscles are off the charts lately.
It sure is tall and leaning
in a way that looks hard to climb.
She says she can do it and she's got herself pumped up.
I'm pumped up. Are you pumped up?
- Uh, I could "Gayle my day." - That's the spirit.
All right, I'm going.
Ready when you are, tough stuff.
Island. Oh.
We'll just put some music over it.
Go! Go, go, go, go! Drive! Drive!
That's helpful, Lin, thanks.
We got to stop Gayle before she gets hurt
or makes a fool of herself or both.
I mean, do you really think she might get hurt?
I don't know. All I know is that she's doing something
that people our age should not try to do.
She's just... she's got to accept it.
We're old. We're middle-aged ladies.
We're not as strong as we used to be.
We're not shiny and new anymore.
I accept it. I mean, look at me.
So I couldn't do a split at the wedding...
something I've been able to do since I was a kid...
so what?! I'm fine with it!
Uh-huh. Yup. I mean, you-you almost did a split.
You were more down than up.
I'm not talking about me, Bob.
I'm talking about Gayle. This is about Gayle!
Right, I know. Obviously. Yeah.
- I kno... Yeah. - Look out for the duck!
How am I doing... almost at the top?
Top-ish?
Uh, you still have most of the bridge to go.
You don't have to keep asking every few seconds.
- You'll know. - 'Cause you'll run out of bridge?
Oh, crap. And, uh,
maybe pick up the pace, Gayle.
A little bit. Huh? no reason.
Cut! Cut!
Hi, Linda. Hi, Bob.
Bob, you look nice and clean.
Hi, Gayle. Thank you?
Oh, hey, Mom.
Whoa, wait, when did that drawbridge get here?
And how did Gayle get on it?
This is crazy.
Why are we cutting? Is it 'cause of all my farting?
I thought they were silent.
Hang on, Gayle. I got to yell at the kids
about something for a second.
Uh, are you gonna yell at us about how much you love us?
Mm, mm-mmm. Mm-mm-mm.
Do I just... I'll keep climbing.
Yup, keep up that great momentum.
Hello, Mother. So, you seem upset.
I know you had some weird reservations
about doing this, but...
I am livid right now.
For one thing, I told you kids not to do this.
And for another thing, there are so many reasons
Gayle should not be doing this, any of this.
Why not? I mean, yes, it's a little dangerous, but
I don't think it's, like, "break all your bones" dangerous.
Yeah, maybe like "I'm gonna feel that in the morning" dangerous.
Also, Mom, come on, the tape we made is bad.
This is how she gets on the show and wins all the money
and generously shares 50 to 65% of it with us.
Kids, Aunt Gayle is not gonna get on the show.
Do you actually think Aunt Gayle's gonna get on the show?
- I mean... yeah. - Yeah.
Aunt Gayle's tough. She's scrappy as hell.
She's a firecracker. I think she gets it from me.
I wouldn't want to go up against her.
I feel like she's the kind of person
who would bite your nose off if she had to.
Throw your ding-a-ling in a river.
She doesn't have gym strength,
but she's got that inner demon strength
that you do not want to mess with.
I mean, Mom, look at her.
She's doing it, she's climbing up
a 30-foot bridge that's at an angle.
That's how I want to be when I'm middle-aged.
Me too.
Maybe with a little less of my underwear
sticking out of the top of my shorts, though.
And bottom, too, somehow. But still.
She is doing it.
I mean, so, so slowly, but, yeah.
Wait, what were the other reasons
you didn't think Gayle should do this?
Oh, uh... I think, actually,
you guys were right, she's got this.
Looking good, Gayle! Keep going!
That's what I'm doing.
I'm just saying, looking good!
Looking strong!
Not so much talking, please!
Yup. Yup. Sorry! I'm so proud of you.
- You're an inspiration. - Still talking.
- Still distracting. - Sorry.
Thank you!
Whoa, whoa.
Aah!
Cast me!
Oh!
And cut.
Look, this electric grinder
is amazing. And, sure, it saves me a lot of time.
Too much time, maybe. I don't have a lot of hobbies.
A-Anyway, I thought it was the same end product but quicker,
but I don't know if it is, exactly.
I think they taste a little different,
and I think I know what the difference was.
With the old hand grinder, yeah, it was hard to crank it,
and it'd fight me and sometimes I'd swear at it,
but the meat wound up having a little bit more texture,
you know what I mean? More complexity.
More like it had been through something.
I mean, it had been through a grinder, obviously,
but, I don't know, maybe it's all in my head.
I-I g-I guess I just, I miss that grind.
I-I need that grind.
I mean, you know, it's kind of a metaphor for life, really.
We get... we get older and it beats us up,
but we also get more textured, more complex, more...
more beautifully ground up into delicious burgers.
- So, you want to return it? - Y-Yes. Please.
- There's a restocking fee. - Yup, yup, I figured. Okay.
And you saw the line of people behind you.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Uh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry about that.
- _ - If you think your stuff is
tough enough, we want to see your audition.
I think this is it, I think this is the part.
I... There she is!
Yes! Yes, we saw it.
We just saw it. We were all watching.
You... Yeah, you looked amazing.
I know. I know, I'm sorry you didn't get picked for the show.
Oh, I know, I'm... But yeah, but yeah,
you were on the show, technically.
That's right! Uh, I didn't see a nipple.
You thought you could see your nipple?
Oh, it's a good thing. Oh, yeah...
Oh, then yeah. Yeah, it looked good, it looked good.
Aw, what the hell.
Here it goes.
Oh, God.
Holy split! I'm down!
I did it. I did it. Bob! Kids!
Come look! I'm doing a split!
Yay, mom!
But hurry up. Oh, hurry up.
I need a little help up. Mama's stuck. Mama's stuck.
- Oh, okay. - On our way. - Yup, yup, coming.
♪ Pump up the Gayle, pump her up ♪
♪ While your feet are stompin' ♪
♪ And the Gayle is pumpin' ♪
♪ Look ahead, the Gayle is jumpin' ♪
♪ Pump the Gayle a little more ♪
♪ Get the Gayle going on the Gayle floor ♪
♪ See, 'cause that's where the party's at ♪
♪ And you'd find out if you Gayle that ♪
♪ I want ♪
♪ A Gayle to stay ♪
♪ Get your Gayle on the Gayle tonight ♪
♪ Gayle my day ♪
♪ Gayle my, Gayle my day, Gayle ♪
♪ Pump up the Gayle ♪
♪ Pump her, pump her, pump her, pump her ♪
♪ Yo, pump her up. ♪
- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe - -- for www.addic7ed.com --