♪ ♪
[Bob humming]
[grunts] Got to be some in there.
[soft grunting]
Nope, that's just water.
Hmm. "Une bouteille de shampooing."
[sniffs] Smells like... lilies?
Also, happiness?
Eyebrows and mustache, get in on this.
-Morning, kids. -Hello. -Morning.
Whoa. You look really nice today, Dad.
I do?
Yeah. I mean, not your clothes--
No offense. I think it's your... hair, maybe?
It looks good.
-You wearing a wig? -No, Louise.
You do look really great today, Bob.
Your hair's got a lot of body.
And your body has a lot of hair.
I used that stuff that was on top of the toilet.
-Pee-pee? -Oh, no! The fancy stuff?
I was gonna use that.
You didn't use it all, did you?
-Um... -Aw, nuts.
I found it yesterday and I wanted to try it.
Wait-- You found it? W-where?
Out at the dumpster.
That's my special lady.
You got shampoo from a dumpster?
-Yeah! -[Tina] What, um...
else around here do you get from dumpsters?
Not food, right?
Don't you worry about it.
I like dumpster eggs. You can taste the danger.
[Frond] So, if you find
any of the chess club's missing chess pieces,
check with us, mate. Check mate.
I was being Australian,
because of the way they say "mate" all the time--
You guys don't care. Okay, uh...
and one more announcement.
This afternoon's lunch recess is canceled.
What?
[Frond] No students will be
permitted outside after lunch,
and must either go directly to the gym,
or, if you're more of a reader than a do-er,
-you may go to the library. -Mm.
[Frond] And any students found outside after lunch
-are gonna get in so much trouble... -[groans]
...their grandchildren will have detention.
Yes, we can do that.
Okay, have a great day!
No recess? Is that even legal?!
Labonz, get me on the horn with the superintendent.
-[Labonz] No. -Dang it!
-It is shiny. And bouncy. -Uh-huh.
Yeah, less matted down with grease than usual.
Thank you.
Well, I better get going.
T-minus 45 minutes until funeral blastoff.
That-that's not a technical term.
Just making it fun.
I'm allowed to have fun sometimes.
-Right. -No, of course.
Bye!
I like Mort, but he always makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway, I got to get going, too.
Want to get to my job early so I can finish in time
to pick up Kathleen this afternoon.
Oh, right. Her colonoscopy's today.
Aw, Teddy, it's so nice she asked you to be the person
-that picks her up. -Right?
That's a big step in a relationship.
Scooping her up after she gets her pooper checked.
I know, and I do not want to blow it.
I want everything to go smoothly. I cleaned my truck.
I added some cushy pillows to the passenger seat.
I got all of Kathleen's favorite snacks
she wasn't allowed to eat for the last few days:
Nuts, sunflower seeds...
Ooh, yum... sort of.
And I made her a playlist:
"The Long and Winding Road," "Brown Eyed Girl."
-Aw. -Hmm.
I just want to make her feel comfortable.
You know, Kathleen could have asked her cousin,
who lives in town, to do it.
But she didn't, she asked me.
Take that, Cousin Muriel! I win, you lose!
I've met her, by the way. She's very nice.
What the hell is going on? No recess?
Even in prison you get recess.
Bunch of hardened criminals playing Foursquare.
How are we gonna find out what's going on?
I mean, do we bug their phones, or...?
[Frond muffled] It had to be during recess.
It was the only time they could do it.
Okay, eavesdropping works, too.
Only time who could do it?
The drone operator.
He wants us to say "pilot,"
-but I'm not saying that. -Good for you.
Principal Spoors says,
"If your school website doesn't have a drone shot,
you might as well not have a school at all."
A drone's flying over the school to shoot video?
Is our school Top Gun?
And, apparently, it's so expensive
we'll only get one shot at it,
so that's why we have to keep the kids inside.
Principal Spoors thinks they'll try to ruin the video
when they see the drone.
That is 100% true.
Not ruin, improve.
And if Spoors doesn't get his drone shot,
I don't get my two days off
to take my mother to Massapequa to see her sister.
-Ooh, road trip. -Mm-hmm.
-[school bell ringing] -Louise, the bell rang.
Oh. I guess it did.
Boy, it was a bit subtle, don't you think?
It was a bell. So, no.
[laughs] Labonz, you are a hoot.
Okay, bye now!
Meet back here after next period.
We'll talk strategy. And we need to tell Tina.
I'll call her assistant and get it on her schedule.
[phone ringing]
Bob's Burgers. Puttin' yum in your yappers.
-[Teddy] Linda! -Oh, hey, Teddy.
-You pick up Kathleen? -No.
That's actually why I'm calling.
-Oh, what's wrong? -Uh...
I'm kind of in the emergency room.
-What? -I'm worried I'm not
-gonna make it-- -[loud beeping]
Teddy!? Teddy!
Sorry, it was my phone.
My face hit the button. Anyway,
I'm worried I'm not gonna make it to pick up Kathleen.
I need your help.
But, uh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
[laughs]
I'm in a lot of pain, though. [sighs]
You're in the emergency room? W-What happened?
You sound kind of funny.
Well, I-I got an ice pack
on my face 'cause I bit my lip.
You went to the ER 'cause you bit you lip?
Not exactly. It started with the bee.
The bee?
[Teddy] Yeah, it landed in my goggles.
And then I put them on.
It stung me on my eyelid.
Then I kind of shot myself in the foot with the nail gun.
[yelling]
And, yeah, that's how I bit my lip.
-Oh, no! -What?
Beesting on the eye, then nail in the foot.
-Ooh. -Aw, Bob says, "Ooh."
Aw, you poor thing.
But I'm calling because Kathleen's gonna be done
with her colonoscopy soon
and I can't drive 'cause my gas pedal foot
has a nail hole in it
and I can't see 'cause my eye is swollen shut.
Okay, okay. So you want me to go pick up Kathleen?
No, Linda! It's got to be me!
I got to be the one to pick her up.
Okay, well, what do you want me to do?
Can you come pick me up?
And then take me to get Kathleen?
Hold on. Hey, Bob?
Are you okay on your own for a bit?
Sure. You go help Teddy and Kathleen.
My hair and I have got this.
Yeah, I could use a break from the hair.
Teddy, Bob's hair is turning him into a monster.
A gorgeous monster.
I'm on my way.
Don't hurt yourself anymore!
Stay away from elevator shafts.
And sit on your hands until I get there.
Okay, everyone, thank you for coming.
When this drone goes over,
I'm thinking resistance movement
meets covert op meets art piece.
That's what I tell the barber
when I go in for a haircut.
[Jimmy Jr.] Hey, Tina.
What are you guys talking about?
You guys look more guilty than my Nana
sneaking pepperonis at a Papa John's.
-[shushing] -We found out why
we're not allowed outside during recess.
They're gonna shoot a drone video of the school.
Oh! That's why they won't let us outside?
A secret drone shot?
They're worried we're gonna moon the drone or something?
Yeah, so we're gonna do that.
Or something better. You in?
-Hecks yeah. -Let's do a dance.
-[groans] -It's an overhead drone shot.
Those were invented for filming dance.
-And for war. -You guys doing a dance
for a secret drone shot?
Guys, I'm not sure about the dancing.
What? Why? It's dancing.
Adults will notice dancing.
We have to be unseen by the naked eye
so they'll actually use it on the website.
Who's got naked eyes?
I guess glasses are like pants for your face.
-Oh! -Shh. People. People.
I've got this figured out. We sneak out of lunch,
go to the storage area with all the school play props,
we grab the bushes and the fog machine
that they used in that play, Bushes and Fog.
Wasn't our best play...
And we're gonna use the bushes
to form the school's "butt,"
if you will, and we're gonna use
the fog machine to make it look like
the school's butt is farting.
But to the unsophisticated adults,
it'll just look like some shrubbery and a bit of,
-uh... low-hanging cloud. -The school farting?
It's elegant, provocative.
But this could be the one chance
we ever have to do a dance for a drone.
I'm with J-Ju. I say we dance,
and just be like, we're here in this moment, truly alive.
Guys, if we don't make the website
and cement our legacy,
what's the point of any of this?
Don't you want to be remembered as
incognito, school-flatulating legends?
You had me at flatulating.
I guess I could get into being a legend.
Move over, John L... Legend.
-Okay. -Let's do it. -I'm in.
All right. We'll meet in the cafeteria at lunch.
-Go! -And think of a cool codename
for yourself to add to the mystique.
Mine's Treat Williams--
No, no, no, no. Admiral Lasagna.
-Linda! -Teddy! Ooh.
-Does it look bad? -No.
No... No!
Sorry, it's a little messy.
Is that a bag of salt?
Oh, yeah, that's where the salt went.
[sighs] Could we maybe...
stop by the job site and get my truck
to pick up Kathleen?
Wait, wha? Aren't you worried about being late?
It's on our way! And, you know, I cleaned it
and it has the pillows and snacks
and the, "Yay, you got your colonoscopy!" mixtape.
And, uh, no ants.
Yeah, okay. Okay.
[entry bell jangles]
Hi. Welcome to Bob's Burgers.
-Hi. -Hi. Hello.
Have a seat. I'll get you some menus.
-Thanks. -Thank you.
[whispering in Arabic]
[Bob] Hmm. Are they whispering about me?
[all whispering in Arabic]
[Bob] Mm, yep.
[whispering continues]
-Is everything... okay? -Yes. Thank you.
All right. Take your time.
[all whispering in Arabic]
[Bob] Hmm, no-no boogers.
Mustache is relatively clean.
[sniffs]
[Bob] Usual armpit smell.
Hm.
Thank you. I got an update from the clinic.
Kathleen is in the recovery room. Recovering.
Already? Oh, boy. Okay.
Gonna go a little faster.
Yeah, but not over the speed limit, right?
No. Just maybe... ten over,
-12 over, 15 over. -[groans]
Teddy, 15 miles over the speed limit
is still, technically, the speed limit.
They factor in for that sort of thing.
-[police siren wails] -And...
there's a siren. That's bad.
Ooh! Are we getting pulled over?
Do we gun it? Should I gun it? Should we go?!
Linda, no!
[Linda] Right, right.
Okay, one at a time, we should slip out
and meet in the storage room.
Ugh! What if we started turning like a human pinwheel?
That would look so cool from up above.
Love it. Busby Berkeley?
More like Busby You-Gotta-Be-Berserk-ly
not to be inspired by that idea.
Human pinwheel does sound fun.
I've always wanted to be part of a human something.
-No, no, no. -Not that we're doing dancing,
but if we were, what would the song be?
"I Think We're A Drone Now?"
No, Gene! Finish food. Do plan.
Ah! I will finish my food, thank you very much.
And whoever else's food needs finishing.
-Fine. -You're welcome!
-[Teddy] Uh... -[Linda] Oh, boy.
[Teddy] Oh, God. Oh, God, we're gonna be late!
-You know how fast you were-- -Uh, sorry I was speeding, Officer.
I've never driven this truck before.
But not because I stole it.
It's his truck. He just can't drive it.
Right now. 'Cause he's all messed up.
-I mean, look at him. -Hi.
Uh-huh. License and registration, please.
Okay.
Uh, officer, we're late to pick up
Teddy's special friend. Uh, this is Teddy.
She asked him to be the one to pick her up from her colonoscopy
-and it's kind of a big deal. -[officer] Wait.
You're picking someone up from a colonoscopy?
-Yes. -It's the thing when they put the camera up your--
Oh, I know what it is.
A colonoscopy saved my nana's life.
And I was the one who picked her up.
-Oh. -Oh, okay.
Yeah. She's my best friend.
-Wow, that's nice. -Great. That's great.
You know what? I'm gonna give you an escort.
-An escort? A police escort? -Seriously?
You're doing a good thing. And giving escorts
is my favorite part of the job.
It's kind of why I became a cop.
Where's your friend getting her colonoscopy?
-The Main Street Medical Center. -Well, all right.
Let the escort begin!
-Thank you, Officer! -Yeah, thank you!
I always wanted one of these. A nice male escort.
-[siren wailing] -[Teddy] Wow.
Uh, I think we're actually gonna make it on time.
-You bet we are-- -[grunts]
-Oh, my God. -No, no, no...
-You hit me! -I'm sorry. Why did you stop?
There was a car in front of me.
We're not supposed to smash into those!
-[siren wailing in distance] -Okay, that's a good reason.
Oh, no. It's the cops.
Don't tell him I was giving you an escort.
-What? -Don't tell. I'll get in
so much trouble. Shh.
[groans nervously]
-Oh, my God, oh, my god. -[whispering] Just lie for me.
-What? Lie to a cop? -It's fine, it's fine,
people do it all the time. Just tell him you rear-ended me,
-but don't say anything about the escort. -Eh...
Everything okay, Earl?
Yeah, yeah. Uh, this, uh, person that I've never met
until this very moment just rear-ended me.
Uh, that's right, I just plowed right into him--
into the police car.
Hmm. And where were you headed so fast, ma'am?
Oh, I was, uh...
I was going to go... have an affair. With that guy.
-Yeah. So, I was in a hurry -[grunting]
-to cheat on my husband. -What?
-Well, I for one believe that. -Are you all right, sir?
-I've been better. -He got stung by a bee,
and he drove a nail into his foot, and he bit his lip.
But, uh, that's how I like 'em.
This is all my fault!
It's my friend,
she asked me to pick her up after her colonoscopy.
-A colonoscopy, huh? -Oh, God.
-Earl? -Uh...
Where's the dang fog machine?
I haven't the foggiest. Sorry.
Louise, maybe the bush butt doesn't need to fart?
Listen to yourself, Tina,
of course the bush butt needs to fart.
-What are you doing? -Choreography. Just in case
-we decide to bust out some moves. -No!
We may not be able to help ourselves.
-[grunting] -All right! We're dancing!
-Zeke, ow! -I'm dancing!
-[Jimmy Jr.] Ow, Zeke! Too much, too much! -Ugh.
Here you go.
Uh, anyone need anything else?
-More coffee? -Uh, we're good. Thanks.
We just came from our mom's funeral next door.
Oh. Uh, I'm-I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
-Uh... the thing is... -Yeah?
-You smell like our dead mom. -Oh.
Sorry. I know that must sound very strange.
[speaking Arabic]
He says you really smell like our mom.
[both speaking Arabic]
He, uh, he was wondering if you know why?
I, uh, uh, great question. Uh, do you mind if I
-call my wife real quick? -Please.
-Of course. -I'll be right back.
Sorry about all this.
-The paperwork alone... -[phone buzzing]
Hello? Hi, Bob.
Lin, hi. D-Do you know why I might smell
like an old, dead woman?
What? You just have to floss, Bob. I told you--
No. A family came in after a funeral for their mom,
and the dad thinks I smell like his late wife.
-Oh. -Linda?
-Yeah? -The dumpster you got the shampoo from--
tell me the truth, Lin. Was it Mort's dumpster?
Did I wash my hair with a dead woman's shampoo?
Yeah... Sorry.
Sometimes families give Mort stuff
so he can make their loved ones
look as close to how they looked when they were alive,
and he puts all the stuff he doesn't use out by the dumpsters
and sometimes, if it's nice, I, you know, I grab it.
-Oh, my God. -Bob, I got to go.
We're running super late 'cause of the cops.
-Cops? Why are there cops? -It's fine, it's fine.
-Goodbye. -Uh, well, that's it.
I called Muriel-- the cousin.
She's gonna pick up Kathleen.
Oh, Teddy, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry we got pulled over.
But we really tried. Kathleen will understand.
It's not that. I know she will.
It's just, I guess all of this meant a lot to... me.
To be able to do this for her.
It's good for the heart, to do nice stuff.
And I felt lucky
to have the chance to do it. I just...
[sighs] I care about her a lot.
[sighs] Aw, Teddy, you're so sweet.
Okay, we're gonna figure this out.
You call off the cousin, I'll deal with the fuzz.
-It's just the theatre of it-- -Officers?
I'm really sorry about the fender bender
and the speeding.
-The what? -I mean, the fender bender.
But my friend Teddy promised his lady friend
that he'd pick her up after her colonoscopy
and that's a sacred trust.
And it's not just about the importance
of sticking a camera up your butt every few years,
this is about love. This is about kindness.
This is about looking deep inside ourselves
and seeing something special in there.
And yeah, maybe some colon polyps.
And if we don't get there in the next few minutes,
Kathleen's cousin Muriel is gonna pick her up
and we'll have failed!
So, what's it gonna be?
But this is the last one, for real.
-Okay? -Mm-hmm.
-[officer] Whee! -[sirens wailing]
-All right! -The cousin's not picking up.
It's going to frigging voice mail again.
Hey, Muriel, this is Teddy from before.
I'm back on track here, so do not pick up Kathleen!
Do not pick her up, whatever you do!
Okay, great. Thanks again. This is Teddy.
[groans] Still no answer.
Maybe she doesn't want to talk
'cause she's driving.
Damn you, safety-conscious Muriel.
[Linda] Look at these suckers without a police escort.
Poor saps.
♪ ♪
Okay.
-We need our distraction. Gene? -[Gene] On it.
Oh, my. This is the biggest throw-up
I've ever seen in my life!
And it's so slippery!
A big slippery throw-up? This is when my training kicks in.
[Branca grunting]
Okay. Go, go, go!
♪ ♪
Just a normal extension cord, nothing to be afraid of.
Pretty sure it's been here the whole time.
[Dania] Okay, okay, he's coming.
So, uh... Yeah. It's the shampoo.
Apparently, I used your late mother's shampoo
and that's, uh, why I smell like her.
-Dad called it. -Yep.
Uh, how did you get it?
It's from France and they don't make it any more.
Mom bought a case when she was in Paris.
Well, my wife got it from, um, uh, the dumpster next door.
Oh! I-I told the mortician
that we didn't need any of the cosmetics back.
There was only a little left in the bottle.
It's true. Sorry, i-if it was upsetting.
Would you like anything else?
[speaking Arabic]
[sighs] Could we ask you a favor?
-Sure. -Um...
Could our dad smell your hair?
He didn't really go close to the casket during the service.
-He was upset. -But he'd like to, um...
have a good sniff before we go.
Is that okay? Kind of like that scene
with Demi Moore and Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost?
Oh. Uh, sure.
Uh, am I Demi or Whoopi?
Either one. That-That's fine, of course.
[siren wailing]
[Teddy] [laughs] There's Kathleen.
We made it. We made it. Kathleen!
Hello, everybody...?
Okay, we're good. Thanks, officers!
Oh, God. There's her cousin Muriel.
[Linda] I'll stop her. Hi...
Kathleen! Hi, I'm here. I'm here.
-Ready to go? -Teddy,
-what happened to you? -Funny story.
I'll tell you while we're driving--
While Linda's driving.
-Linda's driving? -Let me help you to the truck.
Wait till you hear the mix I made you.
♪ ♪
Oh, gosh darn it.
Do the dance.
-Do the dance! -[gasps]
[Zeke] Yeah!
Human Pinwheel!
Five, six, seven...
♪ ♪
Oh, no. They got out! [groans]
Stop! Stop it! Stop that right now! Sto--
Thank you, Teddy.
So hungry.
[inhales]
♪ ♪
[Linda] Oh, I love the dancing.
It's like you're all listening to a different song.
I was dancing to the high-pitched whine.
That's not nice to say about Louise.
Of the drone.
Oh, here's where Mr. Frond comes out and chases
Andy and Ollie all around the field.
Oh, yeah. So angry. Wait, is he joining the dance?
-No, he's just yelling. -So, Mr. Frond knew
it looked like this and they still posted it?
I heard him say, "Maybe no one will notice."
-And then he ran to his car. -Oh, yeah, there he goes.
[Louise] It's kind of like a butt-bush farting, right?
[Linda] Yeah, sure.
[Gene] Aren't we all? Aren't we all...
♪ Une bouteille de shampooing ♪
♪ Ça sent le lys, le lys, le lys ♪
♪ La pastèque, la pastèque, la pastèque ♪
♪ Viens voir papa ♪
♪ Une bouteille de shampooing ♪
♪ Ça sent le lys, le lys ♪
♪ C'est chic, le shampooing ♪
♪ Ça sent le lys ♪
♪ Ça sent le lys, le lys, le lys. ♪
Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT
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