After some hard-hitting journalism,
we can report that smoky eye is hotter than shimmer eye.
And now, "The Tina Table,"
a chat with one of Wagstaff's snooze-makers.
I mean newsmakers.
Mr. Branca is back at the table
to tell us about some of his most memorable mopping moments.
One time, the mop part fell off.
-I was just a man with a stick. - Whoa.
- Can we do math instead? Please. - Fractions!
Yikes.
Just turning it down a little.
Little more, a little more.
- Hoo-boy. - Next time, part three
of my interview with Mr. Branca. Stuff he's found in the trash.
It's mostly what you'd expect.
I think I'll leave the makeup on. I like it.
So, uh, Tina,
"The Tina Table" is getting tired.
I mean, it's a little splintery on this side, but I'm careful. Ow.
Not the actual table, the segment.
You're losing the kids.
From what I hear in the faculty lounge,
classroom fidgeting is up 40%.
The fifth grade switches over to a screen saver
of a kelp forest when you come on.
But that is a good screen saver.
It is, but unless you can deliver
a fresh, fun interview that kids want to watch,
I'm gonna have to ax the "Table."
- The actual table, or-- - The segment.
- Oh. - Well, eh, maybe both.
I'll have to get it out of here somehow.
I can't believe "The Tina Table" might get cancelled.
- I know. - Crazy, yeah.
Hey, Jimmy Jr., you enjoyed today's "Tina Table," right?
I kind of missed it. I was watching Zeke
try to put his elbow in his mouth,
which no one has ever done.
I'll get there. I can do it.
But Tina, if you do get kicked off,
you should make a giant stink on air.
- The best kind of stink. - Like when Channel 13 rebooted
Get On Up with Chuck and Pam, and then Pam got kicked off
and it was just Get On Up Chuck.
Today, we're losing a valued member of our Channel 13 family.
Pam is leaving to spend more time being fired.
You do one what should have been award-winning story
on work safety violations at Channel 13,
and suddenly, they're not renewing your contract.
Yes, Pam, you always tell it like it is,
even though that grip was clearly standing
in the wrong place underneath that thing
and so was that other guy that other time.
Chuck, you're literally a worm with eyes--
You all right, Sully? He's all right.
Come on, what a pro.
I don't want to get Pammed.
I've got to find a good interview.
Maybe Zeke, if he can make that elbow thing happen?
Damn. Not looking good.
And every part of the body is cut off and lying there.
Feet, ears, nose.
Looks like someone took apart a big Mr. Potato Head.
- Whoa. - Um, what are you talking about?
B-Bob, please. Quiet during the movie.
Oh, you're doing that thing where Linda describes
a horror movie to you because you're too scared to go see it.
Yes, Bob, I love horror movies,
but I can't actually watch them
'cause I'll lie awake in bed all night
waiting for the thing in the movie to come murder me.
- So, I need to do it this way. - Makes perfect sense.
So, the mouth part is still on the head,
and it's talking to the girl, like,
"I'm still gonna kill you!"
So she picks up the head
and rolls it down the hill and says,
"That was the seventh weirdest thing I ever saw."
- And that's Saw VII. - Wow.
Saw VII was even better than Saw VI,
when the girl saw that other thing.
- Hmm. - Well, I'm gonna put my adrenaline rush
to good use and go snake a drain.
- Bye. - Bye.
The Saw movies are about someone who saw stuff?
You know I can't watch the movies as fast
as Teddy wants to hear about them.
Yeah, but Lin, you're just making stuff up.
So? Teddy's happy and I enjoy it.
- It's a perfect system. - I guess,
if he wasn't tipped off by your Friday the 13th
where Jason goes on a shopping spree.
Oh, and he tells the snooty saleslady,
"You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Huge."
- And then he stabs her with a credit card. - Yep.
Ms. Schnur, is, uh, Principal Spoors in?
Thought I'd follow up in person
on my follow-up phone call on my other calls.
I really want to show him the project I've been working on.
Mr. Frond, sometimes it's important to listen to the silence.
I'll just sit here and wait for him.
Oh, goody for me.
Hi, Ms. Schnur. So, I kind of desperately need
a cool person to interview and I thought, "Hey,
who's cooler than Principal Spoors?"
He does like Wagstaff School News.
- He even watches "The Tina Table." - Oh, great.
- But he doesn't do interviews. - Oh.
- Like Beyoncé. - Okay, thanks.
Uh, Tina, could I see you in my office?
Oh, is this because I seem a little down?
What? No. I mean-I mean, sure.
So, it's perfect. I need Principal Spoor's eyeballs,
you need a big interview.
So, interview me on "The Tina Table."
I guess what you're working on does sound kind of interesting.
Do you think you could also put your elbow in your mouth?
- What? - Never mind. Let's do it.
Sally Marshall, Tilda Stroot and Lenny DeStefano.
So if you did not hear your name,
you're not invited to Jocelyn's birthday party.
But you can still give me a present. Just kidding.
Unless you really want to, then I'll take it.
And now, ugh, "The Tina Table."
-My guest today is Mr. Frond, the-- - Imagine.
-Oh. - Imagine a world where everyone
has a guidance counselor just a click away, ready to share
the most precious gift of all, counseling.
-Imagining it. - Now imagine a video game...
- Video game? - that can tell you
who you are and what's wrong with you,
just like I would, based on how you play.
-And how does it work if you're-- - Stop imagining.
-Oh. - Because it's right here.
Working with top-notch software developers,
I have created The Final Frond-tier.
In the game, you try to protect a convoy of spaceships
-from space pirates. - And that's counseling
-because, um... - The best way to show you
is for you to play.
-Okay. - Just follow the prompts.
Your decisions will tell the program what it needs to know.
"Your fleet is attacked and you take damage to your power plant."
"Do you send remaining power to shields,
send remaining power to lasers or attempt to negotiate?"
- What's the right choice? - Full power to lasers.
-"Game over.
"You have arrived with two ships remaining in your convoy."
Okay. Two is better than none.
-[chuckles] - Evaluating emotional profile.
You are conscientious, a truth finder.
Something to work on, maybe you care too much?
Wow. Nailed me.
Thanks for being my guest, and that's the "Table."
And we're clear.
Principal Spoors. Y-You saw it?
You loved it?
Well, it could use a little more testing-- What's that?
Roll it out without more testing? Sounds good.
I want to play space games to find out
- what's wrong with me. - You should.
I just heard from the fifth grade.
They didn't switch over to the kelp forest once.
- You did it, Tina. - I did?
Keep it up and I might expand the "Table."
You mean, the segment or the--
- Both! - Great.
Can you believe it? Principal Spoors approved $75 in funding.
- My game's a hot start-up. - What?
You have issues with aggression.
Something to work on, taking it down a notch.
Aggression? Huh. Maybe I am aggressive... Ow.
Not interested in the game, Henry?
I don't use computers to understand my feelings.
I use computers to escape my feelings.
I use chicken shawarma to escape my feelings.
Who's got two tightly clenched fists and aggression issues?
- This guy. - Aggression?
Rudy, that doesn't sound like you.
No, I think it does, Louise.
Sorry, didn't mean to take your head off like that.
- Damned aggression. - Rudy, chill.
You are an introvert.
Hey, everyone, I'm an introvert!
You have issues with sibling rivalry.
Ooh, that's what I got.
- You are a conformist. - What?
Something to work on, not being a pushover.
Pushover? I'll push you over, computer.
So, the game said I'm too closed off emotionally.
I was thinking maybe we could have
a long talk about life sometime?
Sure! Uh, I mean, sure. Cool. Cool.
So the babysitter's boyfriend says,
"Bummer, the power's out. But I got some delicious bean dip
I left in my car. I'll pop out and get it."
No, buddy, don't get the delicious bean dip.
Oh, intermission, Teddy.
I got to take this, it's Gayle.
Her cats don't like the new litter and I said I'd help mediate on speaker.
Linda, you can't stop in the middle.
I'm gonna lose my goose bumps.
Uh, hey, m-maybe Bob can finish it.
- He, uh, saw it, too. - What?
- Uh, no, I-I... I can't. - Sure you can.
It's the latest Scream one. The one with the bean dip?
- Okay... Uh, fine. - Yay.
I'm on, Gayle. Can everyone hear me?
- Hi, it's Aunt Linda... - Uh, okay, so,
uh, um, uh, the-the babysitter is waiting for the guy.
And, uh, she looks out the window,
and there-there's, um, a different guy there.
Uh, maybe I'll wait for Linda.
No offense, but you're ruining it.
No, no, no, I-I just thought of...
I, uh, remembered what happened.
- I... I got it. - Doesn't seem like it.
Uh, then, her "boyfriend"
comes back and sits down next to her.
And he hands her a bowl and a tortilla chip.
- Yeah? - And she looks down,
and it's not bean dip, it's her boyfriend's intestines!
- Ahhh! - And just then,
the high school glee club pulls up in a van,
and they're all singing a cappella,
so they don't hear her screaming.
Their singing blends with her screams, Teddy.
- It harmonizes. - Oh, my God.
This is the best movie I've never seen.
I just felt so alive, Lin.
I didn't know where I was going,
I just knew I was gonna get there.
I mean, some of your details were a little much, what I heard.
Like, the blood dripping off the machete
making the killer flash back to a melting ice cream cone his mother bought him?
- I mean, come on. - That's symbolism.
- That's just craft. - Stupid.
Hey, my cute stuffs, how was school?
Good. I reported on a computer game
that tells you all about yourself and now
"The Tina Table's" back on top, baby!
But does it tell us about ourselves?
I mean, it's a computer,
it probably knows what it's doing.
- Huh. Me, a conformist? - Well...
It said I'm a "studious bookworm."
There, see? Uh, wait.
People do have hidden qualities.
Like, I didn't know until today that I was
- a master horror storyteller. - Here we go.
I got to do a follow-up on that game. It's total "Table" candy.
And I got to go studiously use the toilet. Sir, madam.
My expose into how banana and kiwi smoothies
taste together is being cut
to bring you an expanded "Tina Table."
And I'm cool with that because the game says
I'm easygoing and generous.
Welcome back, Mr. Frond. New look?
It's tech visionary-ish.
Same with the stubble.
-Not seeing any stubble, but-- - It-it... It's there.
-So, The Final Frond-tier-- - Thanks for asking, Tina.
I am honored to announce my proposal
to rename the computer lab the iFrond Counseling
and Unattended Emotional Diagnostic Center.
Catchy? So, can you talk more about how the game works?
Uh, you know, the computer computes.
- Uh-huh. - Excuse the jargon.
And can you say anything about those top-notch
software developers you mentioned?
So, what you're basically asking
is what does it feel like to change the world?
To disrupt the paradigm?
-That wasn't really what I was-- - It feels humbling
-slash Nobel-ish?
Hey, Tina, great interview,
but what's with the tough questions?
You do remember the first rule of TV journalism, right?
- Floss? - Keep it puffy and fun.
Which I call "fuffy."
But isn't it sort of weird that Mr. Frond
- won't even answer how he-- - Uh, ah-ah-ah.
That's not fuffy.
Plus, I played The Final Frond-tier,
and it told me I have major trust issues, Tina.
So from now on, I'm just believing anything anyone says.
♪ Ooh, the Frond-tier nation ♪
♪ Yeah, math equation ♪
♪ Movie summarization ♪
♪ Wood restoration ♪
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
Andy, you're not sitting with Ollie?
No, we think we're in a fight
so we're giving each other space.
Thank you for the space, Ollie.
You're welcome. I miss you!
I miss you, too! You look pretty.
Yeah, things are weird now.
Hi, I'm letting you know
my birthday party is canceled.
I'm so sad, but I'm an introvert.
Hey, Jimmy Junior, want to wrestle me over there in front of Chloe Barbash?
Gotta warn you, I'm aggressive.
- Ow. - I don't want to wrestle,
but I would discuss my vulnerabilities with you.
- Does that help? - Mmm.
Okay, things are a little off, but...
Kids are told some crap about themselves
and believe it just because a video game said so?
It's like that thing, uh,
with the pill that doesn't do anything.
- Tic Tacs? - Placebo. The placebo effect.
And come on, top-notch software people?
Do we really think Mr. Frond's gonna
get ahold of top-notch anything?
Hey, there's Mr. Frond now.
Walking out carrying a bunch of juice boxes.
- Must be nice. - Hmm.
I've got sugar.
I don't want any more sugar. I just want
to take a break, see the outside world.
Not too outside, but still.
You can take a break when the stupid game works, Henry.
We can't keep faking it forever.
- Faking it? - Ahhh!
Mr. Frond!
Also, are those juice boxes spoken for?
I knew it! Final Frond-tier. More like Fraud-tier.
It was all fake? And your top-notch software developers
are a 13-year-old boy?
I work in a school.
It's not like I meet any adults.
Mr. Frond wanted a quick prototype to show Principal Spoors.
I cranked it out over recess
in exchange for pizza and a college recommendation.
But it's just a beta with no back end.
Excuse me, our father's a beta with no back end.
He had me fake your results to look good on air, Tina.
Everybody else has gotten something random I took off the Internet.
But, Mr. Frond, why?
I was gonna finish the game, but then Spoors wanted it
right away so I was like, "Okay, cool."
Well, I hope you don't mind open containers,
'cause Tina's gonna blow the lid off this.
You can't prove anything.
And Henry signed a nondisclosure agreement.
I really should have run that by my lawyer.
My lawyer's my mom.
Besides, Tina, we've both benefited.
It's a great story.
And Henry's probably just one pizza away from finishing
the nerd part, and I'll do the psychobabble part.
Psychobabble, qu'est-ce que c'est?
And, hey, Principal Spoors is in talks
with the superintendent to roll out the game
across the whole school district.
I could announce it on "The Tina Table."
The only thing that's gonna roll is your head, Mr. Frond.
Tina, this is when we leave.
With all the sass you can muster.
Oh, zero sass.
A different approach.
So there's a lot of buzz
about this new one that's streaming,
Subcutaneous Evil. I heard the director
is from around here someplace.
I think they're even gonna do a special screening with the guy.
I'll tell it. I saw it last night.
Or I could tell it, 'cause we saw it together, right?
Yeah, but I noticed you were kinda nodding off
during the fun, interesting parts,
and then woke up for the long-winded, heavy-handed parts.
Hmm. That's funny 'cause I remember you being awake for
more of the tangential stuff that took the movie off track.
You guys sound like you need to get more sleep.
So, it's set in a French village in the Middle Ages.
We hear Latin chanting. It's a midnight exorcism.
Then a scream, and the priest is flung out
a stained glass window.
Then the camera pulls back and we see
this is all just a dumb movie a bunch of hot college kids
are watching on TV at a cabin.
And they turn it off and say, "That's the worst movie
- we've ever seen." - Classic.
Then the girl who looks like a young Meg Ryan but dances
like a young Jennifer Grey that comes up later,
says, "Where are the extra-pointy
marshmallow skewers we brought?"
But it doesn't matter because she drops through a hole
in the floor that leads to another dimension. A dumb one.
Meanwhile, there's an ancient monastery next door...
That's suddenly hit by a meteor,
- and there's nothing left. - Mmm.
This movie's wild. I love it.
I don't know what to do!
If I take the game down on the air,
that's not very fuffy and I could lose the show.
And are things really that bad now?
Tammy's much less awful than usual.
And-and Jimmy Junior's been very emotionally available.
Last night he had me on the phone for an hour telling me
about every time he's cried since he was six years old.
It was a little much, actually, but...
Tina, Mr. Frond is messing with nature.
I heard Andy and Ollie peed in separate urinals.
And Ms. Twitchell says I need to work on reducing
my classroom participation. Is that bad?
Ugh! I wish I had someone to talk to
who's been in this situation.
Oh! Maybe you can.
So, keep it fuffy, or tell it like it is and lose everything?
What do you think, Pam?
It's kind of all up to you now.
So you're not my Postmates?
No, it's Tina, Gene and Louise. Again, we've met a few times.
And you got my address how?
We called the station and said we were you, and we forgot our address.
Great. Look, um, Tina,
I think, inside, you already know what to do.
TV journalism is a sacred trust.
When I left Channel 13, all I had was my pride.
I was scared. I didn't know if there was life after TV.
- And you know what? - Yeah?
- There isn't. - What?
Not being on TV sucks.
It's 4:00 and I'm not even dressed yet.
I don't remember when I put on this sweatshirt. Monday?
You need to do whatever you can to stay on that box.
Okay, bye, Pam.
Do you guys see my Postmates?
So, uh, great.
We know not to listen to her, right?
Tina, don't listen to Pam.
Tina? Tina.
I'm, uh, I'm glad you came to your senses.
This is a win-win for us both.
- Right. - How's my cat hair situation?
- Bad. - Darn it.
Guys, we're on in five. Big smiles.
The news is about smiles.
- Tina, please, you have to stop him. - Louise, no.
- I'm keeping it fuffy. - Ugh.
Is she allowed in here?
Uh, she is not. Tammy, some muscle?
Mmm. Sorry, you have to go.
Do you want one of my pre-show banana chips?
- I'm generous. - Ugh!
Oh, I missed a call from Teddy last night.
- Like a booty call? - What?
Like when your booty accidentally
calls someone from your pocket.
Lin, that's not... There's a message. Oh, no.
- Oh, no. - What?
He said he was about to head out
to that special director's screening of Subcutaneous Evil.
But... But we already told him the movie.
He said we made it sound so exciting he had to go see it.
Damn it, we're too good.
Now he knows we made everything up.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know. Should we move?
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
- Bob, Linda. - Teddy, hi.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, so, uh, di-did you go to that screening
or-or bail at the last minute, maybe?
- No, I went to it, Bob. - Great, great, great.
- Oh, good. - I bet that was like
a director's cut, uh, with, uh, all new scenes.
Probably felt like a different movie, even, right?
It did.
That came up later at the Q and A.
Hi. Hello.
Uh, my question is, uh, what the hell is going on?
Yeah, right, and my follow-up is why are you lying?
- Okay, that-- - Where's the real movie?
Why? Why'd you do it?
We're so sorry, Teddy.
We just couldn't keep up.
We've got kids, we go to bed early.
And it was fun?
Eh, yeah, I get it.
- You do? - Actually...
I was sitting there last night and, sure, I was terrified.
But I was kind of bored, too.
You were bored and terrified?
Yeah, it was so formulaic.
No magic. Your movie was way better.
Aw. But who told it better?
Well, you both have a style that adds a certain charm.
- Right. But seriously. - Yeah.
- Uh... Uh... - I mean, come on.
- Say it. - Don't make me choose!
- All right, all right. - Anyway,
hey, there's this new Halloween movie. You guys see it?
- We saw it. - Yeah, we saw it.
So... what happens?
It's set a hundred years ago.
- And Michael Myers' great-great-grandfather... - Yeah?
...also escapes from an insane asylum.
And it's Valentine's Day and he's in love.
Halloween takes place on Valentine's Day?
Wow! A twist already.
So, we're in talks and soon,
kids all over the school district will be playing
- The Final Frond-tier. - Great.
Hey, why don't you play The Final Frond-tier
right here on "The Tina Table"?
Me play? That's fun.
Creator playing his creation.
- Fuffy. I like it. - Uh, let's see.
A mutiny has broken out on one of the convoy ships.
Uh-oh, mutiny. He just got handed a hot potato.
- Oh, no. Everyone got space cholera.
Darn. Well, that happens.
-Let's hear your profile. - Evaluating.
You are unstable and amoral.
Probably dangerous.
Wha... It's-it's a glitch.
Something to work on, staying away from everyone.
I always knew.
No. It's... It's wrong. It's... It's a bug.
Kids have been playing all week.
- How could it be a bug? - Well, it's still in beta.
But it's rolling out district-wide.
Is it ready or not, Mr. Frond?
Of course it is. I-I'm disrupting the paradigm.
I'm... No one tells you how hot these things are.
Well?
All right. It's all lies!
The game just says random gibberish.
It's... It's all a big lie.
Phew. It was exhausting being aggressive.
Oh, thank God. I'm great, everyone else is...
Crap. It's Principal Spoors.
I'll just let it go to voice mail.
I think he's watching us live
- right now in his office. - Oh f--
I can't believe Mr. Frond said "fart" on the air.
Ye-Yes sir, I...
I understand. We tell the school board
you were just kidding about the rollout,
and I-I won't touch the computers anymore.
And I'll change out of the turtleneck immediately.
But your neck is better turtled.
I thought you were on my side, Tina.
You and Louise argued about it.
Fake fight. To get you to drop your guard.
I was gonna change the world.
You could have been part of it.
But if you have to lie and cheat
and cut corners to change the world,
wh-what kind of world are you left with anyway?
Crap, I wish I'd thought of that on the air.
You're right. You're right!
Weird vibe over here.
So, great buzz on the "Table."
It was courageous but also fun but also newsy.
Which I've decided to call "curfuewsy."
- That saves time. - Curfuewsy!
If you say it twice, I don't know
if it still saves time. It's fine.
Tina, how did you know the game would say all that stuff about me?
I took care of that part.
Like you had Henry fix my results.
And now, I'm free of you forever.
But you're still gonna write my college recommendation, right?
Yeah, fine.
Party's back on. Don't wear that, though.
Party's back on. Just you, not you, sorry.
Hey, Tina, I know we blocked out two hours tonight
to talk about times I felt stuff.
- Yeah, um... - But Zeke got new sneakers
that make a cool squeaky sound,
so I was gonna watch him do some sneaker squeaks.
- I'm gonna squeak out! - Oh, phew.
I mean, cool.
The game was right about one thing.
Tina, you are kind of a truth finder.
And I'm bookish.
- No. Uh-uh. - No. Hey, Mr. Branca.
Next "Tina Table", you, me, dustpans?
I'll bring my favorite one.
- You know what I named it? - Dusty?
Have we already talked about this?
Hey, save it for the show.
♪ Conscientious truth finder ♪
♪ 'Twas The Final Frond-tier ♪
♪ Finding truth conscientiously ♪
♪ Watch my dreams disappear ♪
♪ Hunting down facts and such ♪
♪ I could have made the world better ♪
♪ One problem, I care too much ♪
♪ Time to take off my ♪
- ♪ Time to take off my ♪ - ♪ Time to take off your ♪
- ♪ Take off my ♪ - ♪ Take off your ♪
- ♪ Turtleneck sweater ♪ - ♪ Turtleneck sweater. ♪
A lot of cat hair.