(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
So this storm front could change course and make landfall this weekend.
We're in wait-and-see mode.
Either way, don't get mad at me about it. Just doing my best.
Aw. Scott Baggs seems really vulnerable right now. That's hot.
- Hey, Mr. Fisch. - Hello, burger lady.
- Tiny people. - KIDS: Hello.
Bob. How are you, Bob?
- Uh... Good. - Good, good, good.
Uh, is this about the rent? Sorry. Linda put a smiley face on the check.
I thought it was too much. Was it too much?
- Is that why you're here? - No.
- I enjoyed it. - I knew it.
What are you doing this weekend, Bob? Nothing fun, interesting or cool, right?
Probably not. Why?
Well, I need a private chef for private cooking at a private location.
And yes, you will need to sign this NDA.
NDA? No ding-a-lings allowed?
Wait. Are you asking me to cater an event or something?
Yes, a camping event.
- Oh, camping. - It's actually more like fancy camping.
Flancing, I call it.
With, let's just say, a secret club of powerful members.
A brotherhood, really. The blood oath was fun, but messy.
Mr. Fischoeder, are you in the Illuminati?
You can tell us. We're on the waitlist.
(CHUCKLES) No. Those guys wish they were in the Babylon League.
- The Babalong League? - Babylon, like the ancient, uh, thing.
- Oh. - Yes, a bunch of powerful men
letting our hair down
and picking the next president over s'mores and cocktails and naughty jokes.
None of that makes me want to take this catering gig. Sorry.
Bob, I need you.
I sort of, kind of forgot that we voted last year to each bring our own chefs
from now on since everyone's got their "dietary restrictions,"
and the other members picked the best chefs in town,
so now I'm asking you.
- Thank you? - Name your price.
- A billion dollars. - No.
- A million dollars. - No.
- A billion. - She just said that.
- How about $973? - That's very specific.
It's the price for a new condenser for the walk-in,
which apparently we need.
The one we have is ready to go to that walk-in in the sky.
Right. I guess ignoring that horrible sound isn't gonna fix it.
- Boring, but sold. - Really?
- So, Bob, do we have a deal? - (SIGHS) Okay, I guess I'll do it.
Yay! Wait, there might be a storm. Aren't you worried about the weather?
You don't really need to worry about weather when you know the people I know.
- They take care of all that. - Wait. What?
Oh, and, Bob, whip up a custom cocktail.
It's kind of part of the whole thing.
Think refreshing yet sour. Manly, yet whimsical.
- A cocktail. Uh, okay. - And gin. Lots of gin.
- Call it something clever. - The things we'll do for a condenser.
- I mean, you'll do. - Yep.
Okay, come aboard. Wait, wait, wait. Put this on.
- BOB: All right. - Okay. Now come aboard.
BOB: But I have a blindfold on. I can't see.
Should've thought of that before you put the blindfold on.
- Okay, I'll try. Ow! - I don't know why you stepped there.
- Ow! - You're bad at this.
- No peeking. - I'm not.
- What? Speed up? Okay. - (SCREAMS)
No peeking.
Can I take the blindfold off? I'd love to be able to see things again.
Uh, fine.
Oh, my God. We're on a cliff.
- Mr. Fischoeder, what if I fell? - It would've been embarrassing for me.
I'd be the idiot whose chef fell off the cliff.
So, my custom cocktail is going in my mouth soon?
Yeah. It was actually fun to come up with.
I hope you like it. It's gin and mint and a dash of pickle juice.
I call it "The League of Ex-brine-inary Gentlemint."
Mmm. We should call it "the Ring-a-Ding."
Hmm. Fine.
I haven't had any reception since we got to the island.
- Is there a place where... - There's no reception on the island.
We paid a lot of money for that.
You can make your TikToks when you get home, Bob.
- That's not what... - Come.
- Bring the Ring-a-Ding. - Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sticky Nicky McArthur, how's the family?
Which one? (CHUCKLES)
Hubert "The Hammer" Hammerschmidt. How were the hearings?
Some people are going to prison. Not me.
- Brother Calvin. - Downtown Randolph Brackenbrown.
- There he is. - Here I am.
MR. FISCHOEDER: Soggie Auggie Sharfenheimer. The gang's all here.
Calvin, no chefs at the Sacred Circle.
They're supposed to stay at the tents.
Can I keep him? The liquor pitcher is sweaty.
I don't want to hold it.
Let's have a taste. The cocktail will decide his fate.
Oh, uh, okay.
- Mmm. Exquisite. He can stay. - Why does your chef look so familiar?
Was he working the omelet station at your last sex party?
- What? - No. Bob's a burger man.
Well, those were good omelets and a hell of a sex party.
Just really well organized.
I went a bit more upscale with my private chef.
I brought Sergio from Sergio.
- Heard of it. - Me too.
He's making llama because I only eat llama now.
- Oh, enough about the llama. - More llama drama?
Mr. I Brought a Live Llama can't seem to talk about anything else.
- You're gonna slaughter it here? - No.
For every one I eat, I adopt a live one. Some people don't get it.
- I'm one of those people. - Sergio gets it.
What do you say, fellas?
Shall we tell the chefs to start cooking?
We'll have our feast, then let out our inner beast.
Feast and beast. I love that they rhyme.
(WIND BLOWING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Not bad, burger-meister. I saw Randolph eyeing my dinner.
- He barely touched his llama. - Oh, thanks.
What are you doing? Cleaning?
- (SCOFFS) Square. - Yep.
I just took a bunch of drugs, Bob. A bunch.
All mixed together in a cast-iron cauldron heated over the fire.
That's how people do drugs.
That seems to make sense for what this is.
- Can you do my face paint? - Uh, sure. What's this for?
Tradition. Ritual. Make me look like Simon Le Bon in Hungry Like the Wolf.
I'm just gonna do a stripe. You're moving, so... That looks good.
Feeling strong. Very strong.
Whoa Speaking of strong... Geez. This is...
It's... I think it's about to rain.
- Uh, do you feel drops? - It's starting, Bob. It's starting.
So, this is a storm, I think.
The one you said wasn't gonna happen.
- (MUSIC THUMPING IN DISTANCE) - (LAUGHS) I love electronic dance music.
Great.
LINDA: Still nothing from your father.
How's he supposed to grill burgers in a storm like this?
When you don't listen to Scotty Baggs, you end up with soggy buns.
He's on a camping weekend with rich people.
I assume there are butlers that hold umbrellas over all the buns.
Speaking of buns, why are we not eating
post-dinner, pre-bedtime snacks right now?
My hand keeps doing this but there's nothing in it.
- I'll get something. - I'll go with you.
- So it's not just crackers. No offense. - What? We had carrots that one time.
Dad left a lot of bar things. It's like we live in a nightclub.
Yeah, your dad was Sir Mixologist last night.
It was quite the cocktail party.
If you like a cocktail party where it's just you and a person making drinks.
Are those a real thing? I thought they were just in movies and TV shows.
Oh, yeah, someone invites you to their house, they made snacks,
they made a playlist,
and you have to pretend you like the music.
You'll go when you're older.
It's how adults socialize till they have kids. Then you don't do anything.
I don't understand. Why is it called a cocktail party?
Why isn't it a hanging out and talking party?
Is that what you guys are doing? 'Cause the snacks are taking a while.
Snacks are coming. They're coming. They call them cocktail parties
because some grownups have a drink to loosen up.
Don't have too many, you don't get invited back.
Don't monopolize the conversation, don't stay too late,
don't get there too early.
Should I be writing this down? You're freaking me out.
Don't wear brown and black. Never look into someone's eyes.
- Bring your own fork and briefcase. - Of course. Everyone knows that.
- Leave one of your shoes as a gift. - But hide it.
I don't get it. How does everyone know all this stuff?
No, no, no. Don't listen to them. They're messing with you.
I can show you everything you need to know.
You wanna have a mocktail party?
Meet me in the living room in 10 minutes.
- Wear something nice. - How much cleavage is too much cleavage?
- Your call. - Ooh.
This'll probably be just as fancy as the party your dad's at right now.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Huh?
What?
(EDM MUSIC PLAYING)
Mr. Fischoeder, people are leaving.
Boats are leaving. They took the llama.
- And they left. - Bob, you're saying too many words.
Close this part. Shake that part.
Look at Hubert. He's all hips. And drugs.
Mr. Fischoeder, I'm worried that the storm is gonna get worse.
And we're on an island and our phones don't work, and that's bad.
No. That's good. That's why we're here.
You just don't have enough face paint on.
It keeps you dry. Haven't you noticed I'm completely dry?
Have you asked yourself how that's possible?
- Uh-oh. - (HOWLS)
(ALL HOWLING)
You are all very stoned.
Okay, I'm gonna go pack everything onto your boat,
and then we should go,
and everyone else should go soon too.
I will be right back to get you and whoever wants to live tonight. Okay?
Oh, boy. Tent not looking good.
(PANTS) And the boats are sinking.
Mr. Fischoeder? Hello?
Mr. Fischoeder?
Is that blood? Oh, my God.
- Bob! - Huh?
- Turn off your light. - What? Why?
Shh! He's hunting us. He took a bite out of Randolph's arm.
- Who took a bite? - Hubert. He's gone completely wild.
He's turned into some sort of animal with Eddie Bauer pants on.
Okay. Well, I have to tell you about your boat.
(GROWLING)
- (WHIMPERS) - Shh!
(SCREECHING)
(GROWLING)
This is awful. This is so, so awful.
We're trapped on this island with that? Why did I say yes to this?
- Ah. This is gonna get infected. - Shush!
Calvin, you don't have any antibiotics, do you?
No. Seems like kind of a nerdy thing to pack on a boys' weekend.
(GROANS) It hurts. What's the point of taking drugs
if you feel pain when someone bites your shoulder?
Should we go to the boats? This has been fun.
Bob, you were saying something about packing up?
There's no boats, Mr. Fischoeder.
That's what I was trying to tell you. They're all gone or smashed.
- What? Why didn't you tell me? - I did. You were on drugs.
Don't blame the drugs.
- What boats are gone? Who left? - A lot of people.
The private chefs are all gone, I think.
Other people, they saw the storm and they left 'cause they're smart.
- Who's this guy? - He's sober.
- Oh! - Shush!
- (GROWLS) - Ahhh! Run!
You're not an animal, Hubert. You're an Episcopalian.
You know what we need? Couple of Ring-a-Dings.
Looking nice. Looking very sophisticated.
Gene, liking the shorts with Dad's jacket.
Mmm-hmm. Business-dad-ual.
And I invented a new way to tie a tie.
It makes the old way look stupid.
All right. Now that we have some drinks in hand, let's do some roleplay.
Tina, stand there. You're the host.
- I'm the host? - Just for this.
Okay, I'm the first guest to arrive. You ready? Ding-dong.
- Hello. - Hi, honey. I'm 30 minutes early.
Here's a bottle of wine someone gave me as a gift.
Is that what you'll wear? Gonna put on music?
- Can I help out with snacks? - What?
No? Okay. Can I see what you have in the fridge?
- I haven't had dinner. - Wait.
I blocked your neighbor's driveway. He's cool, right? And scene.
Do's and don'ts. Call them out. What did I do right? Wrong?
- You showed up early. That's nice. - No, no, no.
Showing up 30 minutes early is worse than showing up an hour late.
- Ahhh! - Take the time they tell you to arrive,
add 30 minutes and you're good. What else? Call them out.
Don't be like how you were?
More specific. What did I do wrong?
- Everything after hello? - Correct.
Let's do another one. Louise, stand here. We're both guests.
You're waiting for the bathroom. I come up behind you.
Hi. I'm drunk. Will you hold up my hair while I puke?
- And scene. - She seems fun.
Okay, let's stop for a minute. I can't see where we're going.
But I don't wanna use the lamp because the bitey guy might see us.
The bitey guy has a name, Bob.
God, I wish we had our guns.
Not to kill him, just to shoot him a bit.
Yeah. Why don't you have your guns?
I thought that was part of your group dynamic.
No guns on the island.
Our insurance covers us for drugs or guns.
- But not both. - Can we stay here?
Are we hidden? I think we're hidden.
- AUGGIE: Found you. - Ah!
Yeah. We could hear your voices from over there.
- You two get bit at all? Still just me? - Stop asking that.
- Mosquitos love me too. - (RUSTLING)
- What was that? - Did you fart?
No. That was a twig snapping. Farts don't sound like that.
Some do.
(ALL SCREAM)
- That hurts. - Told you.
- Stop biting us, Hubert. - And put some clothes on.
(HUBERT HOWLS)
All right. I think we have to go on offense.
If we keep running, he's gonna keep jumping
out of the bushes and biting us.
- Us? Have you been bitten? - Oh, hush.
You were pretty pissy about us talking about our bites a moment ago.
Listen to Bob. I'm nominating him for captain.
- What? - He's the least drugged-up of all of us.
- Who's Bob? - Me.
But I don't wanna be captain. I just wanna live.
Listen. This Hubert guy, can we catch him somehow?
Trap him? If we can tie him up till the drugs wear off,
all we have to deal with is the storm.
That gives a slightly better chance of surviving the night.
- Trapping Hubert. Hmm. Not bad. - True. Good idea, Captain.
To set a trap, we need bait.
- ALL: Not it. - Wait. What?
No, no, no, no. Bad plan. Bad plan.
Just a little more beef on the eyebrows to make him seem extra tasty
and I think we're done.
AUGGIE: I'm giving him a beef moustache on top of his real moustache.
Clever. And the trap is baited.
No. Your captain says no. No human bait. No human bait.
Sorry, Bob. The captain doesn't have voting rights.
- I'll never forget you, Captain. - Oh, my God.
Guys, please untie me. I don't like this.
Don't worry, Bob. We're not gonna let Hubert eat you.
I mean, not all of you.
Just nibble long enough so that we can grab him and tie him up.
Ten to 15 bites max.
It's just the "not it" thing. I wasn't ready.
- Should we count to three? Do-over? - One, two, three...
- ALL: Not it. - Damn it.
Okay. Let's review. How many drinks do you have at a cocktail party?
- Depends on your body weight. - And zodiac sign.
- Your age plus one. - No, no, no.
Two and a half. First one loosens you up. Second one, nurse it.
Last one, put it down. Don't finish it. You don't need it.
But don't put it on the stereo
or any furniture where it'll leave a ring.
Make a show of looking for a coaster.
- What's a coaster? - We don't have any.
Some people do. Some people care about their furniture.
- But where do I put this? - I'm pouring mine in the plant.
No. Plants don't like sweet drinks.
- Just hard liquor? - Tina, hold on to it.
Pretend it's your second. Let me think. What's next?
Ooh, I'm gonna throw my keys into the key bowl.
It's something grown-ups do when they wanna meet Sigourney Weaver.
I'm loosening my tie. Dad's missing a wild night.
(GRUNTS) How did you tie this so well?
- You're all so stoned. - I had a friendship bracelet period.
Calvin doesn't wear his.
It just doesn't really go with anything I own.
- (HUBERT HOWLING) - Shh! Quiet.
He sounds hungrier.
Guys, guys. Let's do this differently.
- Maybe we dig a hole, put a tarp across? - But who wants to dig a hole?
BOB: I should never have come here.
- I just needed a new condenser. - Hmm.
I'm gonna go put some more meat on him. I think we missed a few spots.
Give him a beard to go with the moustache.
- Here I am, putting meat on you. - What are you doing?
Taking your wallet in case he kills you.
- What? - Kidding. I'm untying you.
And some meat there. And some more meat here.
Thank you. But why?
I don't know. Guess my buzz is wearing off.
And someone needs to cook breakfast in the morning.
(HUBERT HOWLING)
- Now Hubert sounds horny. - Go, go. Run.
- Argh! You didn't untie my feet. - I thought it would be funny.
The bait's getting away! The bait's getting away!
- Calvin. - Sorry, fellas. He's my chef.
- Food before dudes. - Let's get them. We'll use both as bait.
Yes. Do you hear that, Calvin? You just joined the bait club.
Oh, that's good.
(PANTING) Oh, boy. They seemed really ticked off.
I hope they don't vote me out of the club.
The kicking-out ceremony is brutal. So much singing.
Sorry. But also, this club doesn't seem great, so...
I can see how the biting thing has been a bit of a downer.
No. All of it.
Your people and the way you are, and the things you do.
Quietly run the world really well with no problems?
We actually have an award party. We all get trophies.
We'll need a chef for that too. Don't worry. Different island.
- Oh, my goodness. The boathouse. - What boathouse?
The one on the other side of the island that has a boat in it.
- You're just remembering this now? - Yes. Well, it's old. No one uses it.
There may be just a dinghy there, but still worth a shot.
Row home, get to my house tonight in time for a nightcap.
I don't think we should go out in the open ocean in a dinghy in a bad storm.
The weather is calming down and it's not exactly the open ocean.
Yeah, it is. We're like an hour away from the mainland.
More like five minutes. Maybe 15 in the dinghy.
Depends on who's rowing. Not it.
What? Then why did it take us so long?
You've never had a secret island, have you?
You can't blindfold someone and go five minutes away.
- I did a few laps. - Oh, my God.
Well, do you think we could fit everybody in the dinghy?
Yeah. Anyway, I think I know the way. Shall we talk and walk?
But quietly, because of the multiple parties hunting us.
Oh, and while we're walking, maybe you can think
of a reasonable partial refund for me, since you won't be cooking breakfast.
- (BOB GROANS) - (HUBERT HOWLS)
- God, I hate that he does that. - No boathouse there.
- I also hate when you do that.
It makes me think you don't know where we're going.
Am I thinking of the right boathouse? Darn.
- It might be something I made up. - What?
- Well, we had a nice walk, anyway. - (WHIMPERS)
- Oh! There it is. - Oh!
I'm pretty sure this is the boathouse with the dinghy inside.
Wait. Was it a dinghy or was it a disco? Now that was a cool boathouse.
- What the... Quit it. Ow! - Gee, Samuel. Too far.
Oh, I thought we were doing the whole whacky-whacky stick thing.
No? Okay. Well, sorry.
- FISCHOEDER: No need. I didn't feel it. - BOB: You didn't get hit. I did.
- FISCHOEDER: Well, apology accepted. - BOB: Oh, my God.
Guys, I really don't like being tied up.
I expressed that earlier when you tied me up the first time.
Tied up twice in the same day. Is that a record for you?
- Not for me. - You people are not listening to me.
There's a boat in the boathouse. We can use it to get off the island.
The bait's trying to trick us again.
- Sorry, bait. - Might. There might be a boat in there.
Stop saying that. Can someone just go and look inside?
- All the way over there? - I'll go.
It's the least bitten thing I can do.
I can't believe you were gonna leave us, Calvin.
And to think I was going to let you taste my llama.
We weren't. We were gonna get everybody.
Yeah, everybody-ish.
- It's here. I call front. - Wonderful. I call not-next-to-Auggie.
- AUGGIE: Hey. - Sorry.
It's just how you are in boats.
Okay, come on, Calvin and Calvin's chef. You can hop to the boathouse, right?
Bye-bye, Babylon Island. See you next year.
Good luck to you, Hubert, wherever you are.
You'll be getting a bill from my dermatologist.
No, no, guys. You can't leave your friend.
- Mmm, friend? - Why are we calling him a friend?
- Professional acquaintance. - I'm married to his sister.
Can we get going? Discuss it on the boat?
You can't leave Hubert. He could get hurt or possibly die.
- You would all feel bad. - I won't feel that bad.
Because I will be in my bed.
You gotta make some tough decisions sometimes.
You gotta be strong, burger guy. That's what this island's all about.
- Mmm-hmm. Sure. - You think a little compassion is weak?
A little decency? It might not be easy, but it's definitely strong.
That's what I think.
Can we start backing towards the boathouse?
Nod and step. Nod and step.
Ah, I think the self-righteous, high-horsed burger man is right.
It would be wrong and not strong for us to leave Hubert behind.
- Hey. - Whoa!
And I have an idea that I hate, but you will all like.
He's right. I really do like it. He's just good bait.
I know. I kind of want to eat him.
Third tie-up of the day, Bob. You've tied my tie-up record.
- Thank you. - (HUBERT SNARLING)
Oh, here he comes.
- Look. He's nude. - In good shape, isn't he?
Everyone ready? Everyone ready with the tarp?
You guys don't look ready. Where's the tarp?
- Oh, right. Tarp. Where did we put that? - Oh, my God.
- (PANTING) - What are you doing in here?
We're practicing how to get out of a boring conversation.
It's really fun. You should come back.
I can't, Mom. I don't know how I'm gonna remember all this stuff.
I'm never gonna be able to be an adult.
No one is gonna want me at their cocktail party.
How am I gonna remember to come a half-hour late,
use a coaster, don't double-dip, ask people questions about themselves,
two and a half drink max, lock the bathroom door before you pee,
thank the host, and don't be the last one out?
It's too much. I can't remember it all.
Tina, that was everything from top to bottom.
- You did it. - I did?
- Did the party move in here? - This is where the cool kids are.
Where are they hiding?
Teach us how to make nice with the cops when they come about the noise.
Ooh, yeah, let's do that one. I'll be the cops.
- (GRUFFLY) What's going on here? - Hello, Officer.
Does this dance make you wanna join the party?
Oh, wow, yeah. That changes everything.
- (GRUNTING) - This seems realistic.
Sorry again about your arm. Bob, is it?
- Yep. - Just send me the doctor's bill.
Does anyone else want to go get ice cream?
- Yes. - Ooh. Ice cream.
- Love this guy. - My treat. Anyone have any extra pants?
I'd like to go home.
No, you know where the secret island is now.
- I'm afraid we have to kill you. - What?
FISCHOEDER: Kidding. But come for ice cream.
- Won't be any fun without you. - Who will we fling our sprinkles at?
BOB: Oh, great.
Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding
Ring-a-ding-ding
- (HOWLS) - Ring-a-ding, ring-a-ding
Ring-a-ding-ding
Ding-dong
- Hello - Hi, honey
I'm 30 minutes early
Here's some wine Someone gave me as a gift
Is that what you're wearing? Aren't you gonna put on music?
Can I help out with snacks or anything?
No? Okay. Can I see what you have in the fridge?
I haven't had dinner Also I blocked your neighbor's driveway
He's cool, right?
(HOWLING)