This is awkward.
The cute, smiley, popular girl.
I think she murdered me.
So, you think that if a girl likes me,
there must be something wrong with her.
That's not what we're saying. Dad!
She's my little...
Why are the coppers after you?
I didn't mean to hurt them.
I didn't mean to hurt anyone, especially not you.
What are you doing?
Bruno!
You killed him!
SILENT
THUNDER
# TCHAIKOVSKY: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy
DOORBELL
How would you describe your ability?
I call it lacto-kinesis.
What's it like being called the world's first superhero?
That has to be the shittest power ever.
# The city breathing
# The people churning
# The conversating
# The price is what?
# The conversating
# This place is heaven
# If you see them! #
Hey, man.
I can't believe this guy has gone public.
You better believe it.
Because he's going to make a fortune.
Maybe we should think about doing the same?
The early bird catches the massive pay cheque.
Nice cock, man.
Fuck off.
I don't think going public's a good idea.
Look, we finish our community service in two days. Count them.
I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly swamped
with lucrative job offers.
We need to think about cashing in on our powers.
I mean, I'm immortal.
I shouldn't be flipping burgers, I should be eating burgers,
massive burgers, the size of my head.
Think about it, we could have really cool superhero names.
Captain Invincible.
Mr Backwards.
I sound retarded.
The Invisible Cunt.
Why do I have to be the Invisible Cunt?
Because you just are, man. Get over it.
I mean, what's the point in all of us having superpowers
if we can't use them to make obscene amounts of money
and shag loads of drunk, impressionable girls.
It's clearly what God intended for us. I for one will not let him down.
SIREN
Simon! What?
What's going on with you and Jessica?
After what happened with her dad, she said she can't see me, so...
Seeing a girl whose dad tried to kill you...
it's never going to work.
You'll meet someone else.
Trust me.
SHOUTING
What was that?
They know what about us.
Who?
Everyone.
What are you talking about?
There are reporters and TV cameras outside, lots of them.
Bullshit.
No way.
Are you serious?
Right. I think I might take a little peek.
Don't open the door.
SHOUTING
That was really quite a lot of reporters.
How did they find out about us?
What? No, I didn't do anything.
I don't think I did.
I'm almost certain I didn't.
You!
You told them about us.
Yeah.
You sit on your arse doing nothing for six weeks
and then you sell us out.
Looks like that, doesn't it?
Is that ironic?
Never too sure.
You're our probation worker. You're supposed to sort us out.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
Like you give a shit.
That's a good point. See you.
Where you going?
Antigua. Hm.
So, this is goodbye, so long, and fuck off.
Wanker!
I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner.
We haven't really been that careful.
What are they going to do to us?
They'll treat us like freaks.
They'll lock us up in a secret military facility
and conduct experiments on us.
Hey, no-one's experimenting on me. I'm not a monkey.
What are we going to do?
We have to go into hiding.
We assume new identities.
We break off all connection with our family and friends.
We wear disguises and only go out after dark.
I'm not loving the sound of that.
Do you expect me never to see my mum again?
Who's going to do my washing? Huh?
You have not thought this through.
There is an alternative.
Who are you?
I'm the person who can make it so you don't need to go into hiding.
If this is handled right, you're all making some serious money.
What are you thinking?
This isn't why we got our powers.
No. There is no why, there's only what.
What are we going to spend all our money on?
None of us even know what we're doing after.
It's better than signing on. What about the people we killed?
I guess we should ask her about that. -Yeah.
I'm not saying we have,
but what would happen, hypothetically speaking,
if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people?
Probation workers and such. No-one important.
I would say that these people
you may or may not have killed
were evil.
You were protecting society.
You're not murderers. You're heroes.
Superheroes.
Rich, famous superheroes.
And if that doesn't work,
we vanish the bodies and pay off the relatives.
Good answer.
Sign us up.
Good.
We're making a mistake.
We should all stick together.
Just do it with us.
This will change everything.
Call me when you change your mind.
I don't know.
Do you trust her?
They're waiting for you.
They're calling you the ASBO Five.
I haven't even got an ASBO.
No-one cares.
OK, any questions you don't want to answer, just let me handle it.
Teeth, good.
Hair, beautiful.
Cock, in.
Flies, up.
Let's go be famous.
Hello, ladies!
Phew!
Laura, hi.
Have we heard anything from the French about this cheese deal?
Do they know what I can do?
They know. They're calling you Monsieur Grande Fromage.
Mr Big Cheese.
PHONE RINGS
Can we do this later? I'm really busy right now.
Have you got it?
Take her straight to the hotel and don't let her talk to anyone.
How wonderful. No, we're very excited.
(WHISTLES)
Ah!
Jesus!
Sorry.
Why are you skulking around in my bathroom?
My parents are freaking out about the invisible thing.
I didn't have anywhere else to go.
Can I stay with you?
Sure, man.
Hang back a few minutes, though. I'm just going to go
slip these girls one before they sober up.
Sorry I'm late.
I was just enjoying the fruits of our new-found fame and celebrity.
You know I'm not actually talking about fruit.
Although you should see the size of my fruit bowl... Massive!
Did you shag those skanky girls?
I most certainly did.
Loving the canapes.
I was just saying, if there's anything you don't want to see
in the papers, tell me now and then I can deal with it.
Everything about me has already been in the papers.
Do any of your ex-boyfriends have
any intimate photographs or videos of you?
I'll delete them.
Make sure you do.
Right. Is there anything else I need to know?
Yes?
Just before I started my Community Service,
- there was an incident with this girl... - What kind of incident?
Really?
I picked her up in this dentist's waiting room.
She was having some kind of oral surgery.
So we go out - a few drinks, a couple of kebabs,
then it's straight back to her place and start with the shagging.
I've built up a nice rhythm...
I'm getting really close to blowing my load,
just hovering in the pleasure zone.
And then BAM! All hell breaks lose.
I tripled myself.
I'm not familiar with that term.
You know... Tripling.
It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.
Fuck's sake!
Three bodily functions. Doing the triple.
You're telling me that's never happened to you?
No.
Anyway, I lied about my name, so she probably doesn't even remember me.
I don't think she's ever forgetting you.
Anyone else?
I shagged a monkey.
Technically, it was a gorilla.
What are we doing here?
I wanted you to meet my other clients and also some potential sponsors.
Just relax and enjoy yourself.
I should mingle.
Laura.
Down the wrong way.
Hi.
Good to see you.
Oh, you're that milk guy, innit.
It's not just milk. It's all dairy products.
So you're here to make the coffees then?
I'm done making other people coffee. People make my coffee now.
So what's the point in having your power?
Were you one of those fat kids who had milk seeping out
of his man boobs during puberty?
No.
We had a kid like him at our school. We used to milk him every lunchtime.
I wasn't one of those kids.
Get off me - what are you doing? I'm milking you!
Get off!
This reminds me of school. That was some good times.
Fuck off!
That's what the kid at my school used to say and he had a nervous breakdown.
Nathan.
How would you feel about blowing your brains out
live on national television tomorrow night?
Yeah, I am definitely up for that.
Another please.
Hi.
Be nice to him, yeah?
I'm not promising anything, but I'll definitely try.
Maybe a tuxedo - what do you think?
Why not? They're planning to film it at the Community Centre.
Right. It's like a whole going back to my roots kind of vibe.
Daisy! Daisy! >
Excuse me.
Who's she?
That's Daisy. >
More and more people with powers are coming forward.
What can she do?
She can heal people - any illness, any disease,
she plans to cure the world.
She's like a pretty, modern day Mother Theresa with a superpower.
She is going to make a fortune.
Daisy! Daisy!
That's far enough...
No, no, let him through.
What's your name?
Neil.
I'm just going to touch your legs, OK?
Steady!
I'm walking.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you.
Hi, honey.
Where are you going?
There's somewhere I need to be.
I thought you liked me.
Well...
So now there are other people with powers you're not interested in me?
There's a guy downstairs who can rewind time.
You can do stuff with milk.
I'll show you what I can do.
(RETCHES)
What are you doing? What is that?
That's the Greek yoghurt you ate earlier.
It's moving up into your trachea.
You think I'm a nobody.
You're nothing.
Oh Jesus, no!
There's puss seeping out of my cock.
Ugh!
One of those three girls, or the girl I shagged in the toilets at the club,
one of them had poor personal hygiene.
This is a catastrophe of tsunami-like proportions.
No girl in her right mind is going to have sex with that.
You should ask that Daisy girl to cure you.
Right.
She wants to cure the world, she can start with my cock.
'We'd just found that other boy's body stuffed in the locker and then
'Curtis grabbed my hand and he's all like,
' "Oh, I wanna bone you, I wanna shag you senseless." '
(TV) 'This was just the beginning.
'The five young offenders soon found that
'each of them had been affected by the storm.
'Afraid they would be outcast from society,
'they swore a pact of secrecy...'
Oh, for...
Hi.
Hi. Come in.
Right.
It's Nathan, right?
Right. I just wanted to swing by and say hi, as one superhero to another.
That's really sweet of you.
So, how mad is all this?
Totally mad. And look at you, with your wonderful, amazing power.
I saw what you did with the guy in the wheelchair.
That's like curing two normal people. Double points.
And so...I was wondering... if you could maybe help me out
with a small, personal affliction of my own.
Of course.
What is it?
Well...
I appear to have contracted a sexually transmitted
disease of some kind. I honestly don't know how I got it.
I'm sorry. I don't do sexually transmitted diseases.
No?
Because of the rubbing.
Go to the doctors. They'll give you some antibiotics.
And how long will that take to work?
Out there, there are loads of drunken girls, staggering around,
waiting to be shagged. Do you really want to disappoint them?
I'm sorry. I'm just not prepared to spend my life
rubbing other people's genitalia.
C'mon. Just give it a quick rub.
It's lovely and clean. It's pine forest fresh.
I'm not going to rub your cock.
Where's your humanity?
It's not going happen.
OK?
No. That's fair enough.
I suppose have only myself
and the dirty bitch I had sex with to blame.
What's that?
That's my Mother Theresa, Young Humanitarian of the Year Award.
It's for the charity work I did in India.
Good for you, and good for Mamma Theresa.
God rest her beautiful soul.
Myself next year myself.
Gotcha!
Urgh!
Get off!
SQUELCH!
Oh!
(SCREAMS)
Fuck, what have I done?
Hey...look...just...
heal yourself! All right?
Heal yourself. That's it.
Rub it better, now, rub it better.
What did you do?
It was an accident.
She was rubbing my cock.
She started foaming at the mouth, she tripped, and impaled herself
on her Mother Theresa, Young Humanitarian of the Year Award.
I know it sounds unlikely...
But there it is.
The police are going to want to interview you again,
but they seem to be satisfied that Daisy's death was an accident.
Oh! Thank you!
I just want to say...
it's a tragedy.
And no-one is more upset about this than me.
But what's done, is done.
I think we should all move on, huh? Stronger, fitter, wiser.
This could only happen to you.
She was going to cure the world.
There's only so many times I can say I'm sorry!
And if you're so cut up about it, why don't you...
..And fix this entire situation? You know it doesn't work like that!
I'm getting pretty sick of hearing that! - Prick!
You fuck up like this again, and I will finish you.
I'll try not to.
SCREAMING
I'll tell you something, though.
It's all cleared up.
You know... Down there.
As clean as a new pin.
KNOCK ON DOOR
If you're still in hiding, you should probably do your invisible thing.
Oh, hey!
You're alone?
Uh-huh. So are you all right then?
I thought I'd feel like we'd made it.
You know, all this fame stuff. It just...
feels a bit... pointless.
Of course it's pointless.
That's why famous people pretend to care about the Africans.
- He knew it would be like this. - Who?
Simon.
We should've listened to him.
Do you know where he is?
No. No, I haven't seen him.
Nuts?
He said picking up litter was the best time of his life.
I think that demonstrates his rather low expectations.
If you see him, tell him he was right.
Cheerio.
What's up with you?
I never said that, about picking up litter.
LIFT PINGS
When was that taken?
Where did you get that?
Someone gave it to me.
Who?
What is this place?
The guy in the mask...
He lived here.
Who is he?
It's you.
You came back, so that we could be together in the future.
You...
And me...
We're together?
Yeah, we were, and we will be again...
I hope we will be.
You think you're surprised? Imagine being me!
You're still you, but you're different.
You're more confident, and...
My power doesn't work on you.
You can touch me.
And then I die?
You saved my life.
You said if you didn't come back and die,
you wouldn't become the person you needed to be.
It's like in Terminator, when John Connor sends Kyle Reece back in time
so that he can be his father.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
You protected us.
You're like a proper superhero.
When do I turn into this superhero?
So what happens now?
I have no fucking idea.
I don't understand.
Since this whole thing with the storm went public,
I've been taking on new clients all the time.
The truth is, I don't have time to represent you any more.
I'm sorry.
# DELIBES: The Flower Duet
What are you doing?
That's the cheese you had earlier,
slowly clogging your arteries...
OK, stand by for rehearsals, please.
If blowing my brains out live on national television
doesn't get the ladies juiced,
nothing will.
How do I look?
Like a prick in a suit.
That's sexual jealousy, because of my prowess as a lover.
Is it true you shit yourself when you die?
That only happened the once.
And I've got a bucket standing by, just in case.
Do you want that? Just lost my appetite...
No, I'm lactose intolerant.
Does that mean you're afraid of cows?
No. It means I don't eat cheese or dairy products.
Oh. I never knew that about you.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
We'll talk later, yeah?
Have I got time to go to the toilet before you shoot yourself?
A piss, yes. A shit, probably not.
I'll come with you.
TOILET FLUSHES
DRIPPING
Oh, gross!
What's that?
There's something dripping from the ceiling. I dunno what...
Kelly?
Quit dicking around.
DOOR BANGS
Ah! Christ!
Sorry, man!
What fucking prick did that?
This guy really is the most unbelievable tool.
I told you.
BEEPING
Roll titles.
Live in 20.
Going live in five, four, three...
And now, for your viewing pleasure,
I will blow my brains out, live on national television.
Enjoy.
Alisha?
Kelly?
What is that?
It's milk.
That milk guy?
We need to get to the hotel.
Oh, shit.
No!
MUFFLED TALKING
And that, boys and girls, is how you shoot yourself in the head.
I wouldn't recommend trying it at home.
APPLAUSE
I'm not being funny, but you might want to fuck off out of here.
I'm expecting some seriously horny, barely legal groupies
knocking on that door any second.
They're walking into a trap.
What's that?
The milk guy.
He's got Alisha.
What? When did this happen?
He killed me, Nathan.
I'm fucking dead.
Curtis, wait!
Alisha? Nikki?
Curtis?
You nipple-sucking, breast-feeding momma's boy! You killed her!
Does that feel strange?
You can't...kill me.
I'm...immortal...
I'm not trying to kill you.
That's the mozzarella wrapping itself around your central cortex.
You're going to spend the rest of your life as a vegetable.
PHONE RINGS
Nathan?
PHONE STILL RINGING
Why did you do it?
Because the only time people like me really get noticed
is when we kill a shitload of people.
They'll talk about this for years.
They'll talk about me.
Monsieur grand fromage!
That cheese shit won't work on me, dickhead.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Then maybe I'll just have to stab you instead.
They're all dead.
You have to save them.
We have to go back to before we were famous. We have to stop him. Do it!
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
What?
There's something we need to do.
DOORBELL
That's it, then.
It's over.
No more community service.
I thought we'd be, like, all celebrating and shit.
It doesn't really feel like there's much to celebrate.
I just want you to know...
being here with all of you, it's been the best time of my life.
I had a week in Spain last year. That was way better.
What is up with all of you? All the shit we've been through.
We're all here. We're all alive.
We made it.
Great(!) And I have no job, no money, no girlfriend,
nowhere to live, no useful skills or qualifications. OK, so I'm immortal.
But other than that, I've basically got fuck all going for me.
What are we going to do tomorrow? Or the day after that?
Huh? We have just been shat out
onto a huge pool of piss with all the other long-term unemployable.
Does anyone fancy a drink?
Yeah, sure, man.
Y'know, apart from all the killing and the dying and stuff,
this community service really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
# I don't know what's happened to the kids today
# I don't know what's happened to the kids today. #
I can give you your life back.
There was this guy took my power.
You sold your powers?
Yeah, mate.
That's how babies get turned into dwarves. I like dwarves. Me too.
My waters have broken! The baby's coming!
I'm Jesus Christ, and I have been reborn.
Where are you going?
I'm going to kill Jesus.
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