# Happy Christmas # Happy Christmas
# Happy Christmas to you
# Happy Christmas to Steve # Happy Christmas to Mum!
# Happy Christmas to you #
Yeah!
Are you OK?
-Happy Christmas! -Yeah. It's a tradition.
That's so cool.
Are you having a lovely Christmas?
Yeah! Are you having a lovely Christmas?
Yeah!
# Lovely Christmas Lovely Christmas
# Lovely Christmas
-Is that a tradition? -No.
# Lovely Christmas Lovely Christmas #
LAUGHS Yeah!
How's Lanzarote?
What's that?
How's Lan-zar-ote?
Oh, yeah, it's very nice! Yeah! Very warm!
Oh no! It's freezing here!
LAUGHS
That's so unfair!
You OK? You made lots of friends?
Yeah! A few of us girls are having a right laugh!
Yeah. It's been very nice.
Just us girls hanging out together, having a nice time and stuff.
Playing on the beach.
Having a little drink.
Yeah. It's been very nice, actually.
Yeah. It's been good to get away.
Thanks for the presents!
-Do you like them? -Yeah!
Yeah, they're amazing!
I got them from that same place where I got them dressing...
Your mum's got such good taste in men.
Shut up!
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
I don't care!
The Queen'll be on in a minute!
Becky! Becky!
Oh.
I hate the Queen. She's such a nob.
Here we go.
Glasses are stupid, she's so old.
She dresses like a prick.
Name me an old person that doesn't dress like a prick.
She does that stupid voice.
That's her voice!
No one's that posh.
Did you get anything good?
Nope. You?
You'd better that before Laura gets here.
BOTH: Mmm.
This is honestly the best Christmas present
that anyone has ever given me.
It's not as good as my toaster though, is it?
Shut up.
Oh, come on. You got me a toaster!
It's a good toaster. It normally costs fifty quid.
And how much did you pay for it?
Did you get it for free?
DOORBELL RINGS
No. Of course not.
Did you?
I spent all my money on your bloody ring.
You little bastard!
Agh! Becky! That hurts!
-No, it doesn't. -Becky!
DOORBELL RINGS
Here we go.
They are going to love this!
Dad!
Here he is! Happy Christmas!
Happy Christmas.
What are you doing here?
I've come to see my boy, haven't I?
Great.
Happy Christmas!
Thanks! Lovely. Happy Christmas!
Well, come in. Come in.
Oh, thanks. Thanks, Steve.
I just knocked on the flat down there and she was not happy!
No. She's a difficult one.
I can imagine!
Is Suzanne with you?
No, no, no.
I can't believe it's Christmas again!
It comes round so quickly, doesn't it?
Yes. It does. It does.
You having a good one?
Yep. You?
Oh, yeah! It's lovely.
Christmas is great, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, this is nice.
Yes. It's a bit of a mess but there you go!
Well, you know what you can do about that.
What's that?
Get that girlfriend of yours to move in and get her to do the cleaning!
Yes!
But, well, she did move in, didn't she, so...
Of course she did! Sorry.
We got engaged.
No, I know you did. I know.
And that's great, isn't it?
Make an honest woman of her!
Absolutely!
Becks! My dad's here!
Speak of the devil!
Happy Christmas, Becks.
Welcome to the family.
Happy Christmas.
I've heard a lot about you. None of it good!
And how was the move? The move was OK, was it?
You moving in here.
Oh, yeah. No, it was great.
Good. Excellent.
Don't worry, I won't stop long...
DOORBELL RINGS
Ooh, more people! I really am getting in the way, aren't I.
-No! -No!
Go and have a seat. Do you want a beer?
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
That'll oil the wheels!
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN
Well, that's breakfast sorted.
I'll put it in the freezer.
Make it gloopy.
Mmm.
DOORBELL RINGS
STEVE: Thank you.
BOTH: Happy Christmas!
Happy Christmas.
Oh, my God, Becks. Shut up and listen to this.
BEAR: Hey, Rudolph. Suck my balls.
Can you believe it?
BEAR: I did a shit in your stocking.
Oi, it's my go.
BEAR: I fucked an elf!
That's really funny.
Paul got it off his adopted parents.
And they got me socks, Cluedo and a metal detector.
They're very generous, aren't they?
Yes. It's because they love me.
Happy Christmas, everyone!
Where's our fucking Christmas card?
What's that?
You didn't send us a Christmas card.
Nor did Becky.
She was included on Mum and Dad's.
All right. I'm sorry I didn't send you a Christmas card.
Laugh it up, Steve.
You won't be getting a card from us next year.
We'll just be addressing it to Becky.
There's only one microphone.
Well, how are me and Becks going to do our harmonies?
PAUL: 'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.
Hello, I'm Laura, and I'm pregnant.
I'm not singing with her.
We'll see about that.
Seriously.
If she even tries and makes me sing, I'll rip her throat out.
Aaah. You're lovely!
PETE: We love Christmas in our family.
Drinking, lots of presents.
PAUL: Yeah, I got a metal detector from my parents, it's fuckin' mega.
Excellent... You just switch it on and it detects metal.
...so I'll take it to Southend and search for treasure.
Great idea.
Paul loves Christmas, don't you, Paul?
Yeah. Look.
Ooh, lovely!
If I could have my life again, I'd be an elf.
I think you'd make a good elf.
Thanks.
Right! Everyone sit!
Thank you, Paul.
Now, come on, Petey.
Tell us a story about when Steve was a kid.
Ha! No, my lips are sealed.
Tell us a story where he hurts himself.
PETE: Good one!
Oh, let me think. Erm...
Did he ever trip and smack his head?
Not that I can remember.
Did he ever fall off a swing?
What about pets? Did he ever try and fuck his pets?
Erm...
So Laura. How was midnight Mass?
Oh it was lovely, Becks. Yeah.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I hate the Pope.
But they had candles, hymns, everyone was chatting.
It was so Christmassy. And we think we saw Jesus, didn't we?
Yeah.
So, what did you guys do last night?
This?
Nice.
DOORBELL RINGS
Who wants a present?
Yeah!
Oh, Laura? Becky really wants to sing with you on the karaoke.
Aah. She's such a little diva.
Let's find us a song!
No. It's OK.
DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN
Dad, do you want another beer?
Don't worry. I'll get it.
I've got my own two legs, haven't I?
FORCED LAUGHTER
I'm not that old, yet!
LAURA: Oh, my God.
I love laughing.
Do you like laughing, Becks?
Mmmm.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
That's such a good impression of Santa.
Do it again, Paul.
Ho! Ho! Ho!
LAURA: It's like he's in the room.
ALL: Happy Christmas!
Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas, Kieran.
Happy Christmas.
Shelly got me a camera.
Oh, that's nice.
Smile.
Do something funny.
So, what do you want to sing, Becks? Slade? Wizzard?
He was joking. I'm not going to sing.
Ding Dong Merrily On High?
I'm not going to sing.
What about a Jesus one?
Away In A Manger?
If you don't sing it, I will.
I'm not going to sing, Paul.
Ta-da! I brought some champagne.
Wow! Thanks, Shell. That's a bit expensive isn't it?
She nicked it from work.
Dan!
Really?
Yeah.
I just took it off the shelf and slipped it in my bag
when no-one was looking!
What about the CCTV cameras?
Oh, no.
Happy Christmas!
-It's Christmas! -It's Christmas!
I'm so excited it's Christmas.
We've brought the karaoke machine, Shell!
Oh, good!
Hey, Kieran baby! Happy Christmas!
Show Auntie Laura what Father Christmas brought you.
Oh my god, Shell. Seriously. He's nearly eight.
Father Christmas doesn't exist.
Your mum's a fucking liar.
Kieran's breath fucking stinks.
Father Christmas does exist, doesn't he?
Yeah. Of course. Of course he does.
Silly Auntie Laura.
-Dan? -Yeah. Definitely.
He was in my class at school.
I sat next to him.
He was the nicest man in the whole wide world.
And he told me not to tell you this, but I will anyway
because you're my friend.
He's got a real soft spot for a certain someone!
WHISPERS You can't tell anyone.
OK?
Good boy.
Do you want this back?
Erm, yeah, thanks.
BECKY AND SHELLY: Happy Christmas!
DAN: Happy Christmas!
PAUL: Ho-ho-ho.
Happy Christmas, Kieran.
All right, mate?
Nice bunch of friends you've got in there.
Yeah.
They seem a lot of fun.
Becky likes her food, doesn't she?
Yeah.
Well, that's what Christmas is all about, isn't it?
It's great to see you, mate.
Yeah. It's great to see you.
It's been a while.
I know it has. Yeah, blimey.
You got my birthday card, though? And the voucher.
Yeah.
Yeah. Get something nice?
Yeah.
Good.
Things have not been great between me and Suzanne.
LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
I thought not.
And what part did you play?
Shepherd.
Speak up!
Shepherd.
Anyone can play a shepherd.
Do you want to do your colouring in?
Yes.
I used to be really good at colouring in.
Has he brushed his teeth?
No. It's Christmas.
Give him a mint, Shell. I could smell him from here.
He's fine as he is.
This one's for Becky!
ALL: Yeah!
Ho ho ho! Happy Christmas, Becky.
Thank you!
Oh!
Thanks, Laura, thanks, Paul.
That's great.
It's like money but you can only spend it in Mothercare.
What a good idea.
Hold it up.
Do something funny.
OK.
PAUL: Who wants another present?
CHATTER FROM ADJACENT ROOM
-LAURA: Becks. Becks! -Yeah, I'm listening.
I've been thinking about our wedding.
Happy Christmas.
I'm Pete, Steve's dad.
Nice to meet you.
What you doing there, then?
My colouring in.
Very good. Excellent.
STEVE: It's lovely, really nice. LAURA: Thought you'd like it.
BECKY: That's great, thanks, Laur.
PAUL: Just a little something to show our appreciation
of how much you're doing for the wedding.
Well, that's very good, isn't it?
CHATTER FROM ADJACENT ROOM
So what's your favourite subject at school?
History.
-You like history, do you? -Yeah.
Excellent. Excellent.
I liked Maths.
BECKY: Any Pringles left in that one?
PAUL: No, you get 'em.
LAURA: Come on, Becks, we'll get them together,
then we can do some vocal warm-ups for the karaoke.
BECKY: Yeah, or we could just get Pringles.
But I want to do some vocal warm-ups.
I'm just getting Pringles, Laura.
I know, but if you don't do vocal warm-ups, you can tear your larynx.
PAUL: Where's your Dad gone? STEVE: I don't know.
He's hilarious, Shelly. Isn't he, Steve?
Yeah.
Hello, hello, hello! What's going on 'ere, then?
Give me a C.
One minute.
Give me a C, Becks.
I don't actually particularly want to.
Are you going to ruin Christmas?
SHE HUMS A C
LAURA HUMS THE SAME NOTE
Thanks.
A-hem.
Happy Christmas, Dan. That's quite a beard you've got there.
Thank you.
You poor thing, living above this reprobate.
I bet it's all wine, women and song round here, if I know my son!
Yes! It is! It's wild!
I don't know who he takes after!
And who's this?
I'm Shelly.
You didn't tell me about Shelly, Steve!
Be still, my beating heart!
But seriously, Shelly.
It's always nice to meet a friend of my son's but it's even better
when she's an absolute, 100%, bona fide stunner.
Happy Christmas, darling. Lovely to meet you.
Ooh. Don't mind if I do!
# I'm walking In the air-r-r-r-r-r-r-r... #
Go on.
# I'm walking in the air #
"Air-r-r-r-r-r".
You're flat, Becks.
"Air-r-r-r."
Don't.
One more time.
"Air-r-r-r-r."
That was sharp.
SHELLY: Laura! I've got a present for you!
It'll be shit.
Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!
I love Christmas.
I am so fucking happy that it's Christmas.
Happy Christmas, Laura.
Aaaaah. Thanks so much, Shelly.
You've got to be careful with Shelly, if you criticise her, she spazzes out.
It's from me, Kieran and Dan.
Aw. That's so nice. Thanks, Shell.
Thanks, Kieran.
Give her our one, Paul.
Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.
Oh, that's nice, Shell.
That is lovely.
What a lovely present.
Yeah, I like that, yeah.
Do you like it, Laura?
Yeah. It's nice.
It's an antique.
Mmm. An antique, great!
I thought you could wear it for your "Something old"
as your "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue."
Mmm, I'll do that. I'll definitely, definitely do that.
Can I take a photo of you wearing it?
No.
Oh, how lovely.
Thanks, Laura.
I just think it's better, isn't it, to let someone get what they want
rather than giving them something they'll never wear.
PAUL: Who wants to sing?
Becky does.
Yay! Go Becks!
Laura, can I have a go on that?
Testing, testing. 1-2, 1-2.
Testing 2-2.
Did you bring the champagne, Shell?
Erm, yeah.
Champagne!
Let's have it then, don't be a Scrooge.
Yeah, don't be a Scrooge, Shelly.
Laura. It's not good for the baby, remember.
He'll like it, it's fizzy.
PAUL: You can have one glass.
Oh, Paul, when have you ever known me to have one glass of anything?
I'll just get this off and then we can...
Wha-hay!
Lovely.
Mmm. Pour it.
Pour it! Pour it!
Could you show me where the glasses are?
-Yep. -Yeah!
Bring in my Christmas crackers, yeah?
Will do.
I've got these amazing crackers, Shell, they've got whistles in them.
PAUL: Right, who wants to sing?
CHEERING
PAUL: I can't believe it's gone three
and I'm still not wearing a paper hat.
I think I'll head off after this.
-Oh, no. Really? -Yeah.
That's a shame.
This is good stuff.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Very nice.
Yeah.
That Shelly's a good-looking girl, isn't she?
Yeah. She's nice.
Yeah.
Great. Thanks.
Do you recycle?
Nah.
Right then. Upwards and onwards!
I should probably get going, then.
It was nice to see you.
Yeah. It's great. It's great to see you.
Happy Christmas!
Yes! Happy Christmas! Great times!
I, erm, I got you something.
It's only little.
I didn't want to give it to you in front of everyone else.
You didn't need to get me anything.
I didn't have any paper.
Thanks.
I used to read it to you.
I know you did.
They had it on Amazon.
Oh, don't do that, Steve.
Oh, come on. Don't do that.
Thanks.
It's just something silly.
What are you doing for the rest of the day?
Oh, you know. I've got some bits and pieces to do.
I've got to phone Suzanne. GoldenEye's on.
You?
We're going round Becky's parents' for tea.
Oh...
Yeah...
Not good?
What are they like?
Her dad's such a prick.
Is he?
You'd hate him.
What does your mum think?
She hates him more than I do.
I look forward to meeting him!
So what time are you going round there?
Six.
I suppose I could stay till then. If you didn't mind?
No, of course not. It'd be nice.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Thanks. Thank you.
KARAOKE STARTS UP
Oh god, that...
# Are you hanging up your stocking On your wall... #
-Becks! -I'm all right. You carry on.
Come on!
# It's the time That every Santa has a ball #
Becks - harmonies!
In a minute, yeah?
# Does he ride a red nosed reindeer?
# Does a ton-up on his sleigh
# Do the fairies keep him Sober for a day? #
Come on Becks! It's the chorus, baby!
# So here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun #
-Let Becky do a solo! -Steve!
# Look to the future now It's only just begun #
Solo! Solo! Solo! Solo!
# Are you waiting for The family to arrive? #
Louder, Becks. Use your diaphragm.
# Are you sure you've got the room To spare inside #
You should hear yourself, Becks. You sound fucking awful!
You take over, I'm not as good as you.
I think we can all hear that!
You little bastard!
# So, here it is, merry Christmas Everybody's having fun... #
# Come closer, come closer and listen
# The beat of my heart Keeps on missing
# I notice it most when we're kissing
# Come closer and love me tonight
# Come closer and cuddle me tight
# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
# When you are near
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
# It's such a lovely feeling
# When I'm in your arms
# Don't go away, I want to stay My whole life through...
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you #