I've just moved in with the world's biggest idiot. I've moved in.
Congratulations!
There's this bloke called Graham at the gym
-and he was saying that I should... -PAUL!
You look lovely in that.
I look disgusting.
As if.
Right, I'm off to Pilates.
-Do you want a lift, lover? -Graham's here.
We got robbed at work and they took my phone.
Oh, bloody hell.
Oh, don't. Laura's in there.
There's this bloke called Graham at the gym.
Paul. We're going.
You are being so suspicious today.
What's this?
Don't you dare get married before me.
Think at one point you thought I was going to ask you to marry me.
Why would I want to marry you? You fucking stink!
Don't ask her to marry you, Steve.
Look, I know we like to have a bit of banter, the two of us,
but let's just be serious for a minute.
And I will be talking to your dad as well.
If you ask her to marry you, I'll break your fucking neck.
How was your gran?
Ugh. Boring. All she does is talk about dead people.
Ugh.
They're dead. Get over it. Do you know what I mean?
What have you been doing?
What?
I made a bit of a mess in the bedroom. It's horrible.
You'd better have a look.
Have you done a poo in there?
No, of course I haven't done a poo in there!
Do you honestly think I'm the sort of man who'd do a poo
in his bedroom and get his girlfriend to go and look at it?
Just go and have a look.
Do you know what I mean though?
Just cos someone's dead, doesn't make them interesting.
Oh, my God.
Steve!
Have we got a new telly?
And...
Ah!
And also...
-It's cider. -Oh, my God!
9%.
Wait there.
Oh, you got Skittles.
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
What are you supposed to do when you see your doctor in the street?
Fuck me.
What's that?
I saw my doctor at a bus stop and I didn't know
whether to say hello or not.
Oh. Ha!
It's kind of awkward, isn't it, cos he's, like, 60 and
he's a nice bloke but at the same time he's had his finger up my arse.
Have you had some?
No.
Wow!
No wonder it was only a tenner.
So...
Why are you being creepy?
I'm not. What do you mean creepy?
Shutting the door. Your face. It's creepy. Stop it.
Would you mind if I just said something?
That's such a creepy thing to say.
Becky.
OK.
My dearest, darling Rebecca.
Today is our first anniversary.
Rebecca? You're such a knob!
Just let me finish.
Ooh. I haven't taken my pill.
Like them, by the way.
-OK? -Yep.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's just Dan.
My dearest, darling Rebecca.
Sorry!
Today is our first anniversary.
DOORBELL RINGS
Becky! Steve! I need your help with Laura!
Seriously. When they've gone, I'm going to rip the piss out of you.
DOORBELL RINGS
She's been drinking. She called me from a phone box.
-Shut up, pig. -Are you OK, Laur?
She was groping me.
I was trying to get her off the bus.
Any excuse. Any fucking excuse.
-Don't do that, Laura. -Shut up, pig.
-Do you want to call Paul? -Yep.
I am not going in there and there's nothing you can do about it.
Come on. Let's go and have a lie down.
Don't touch me!
She doesn't wash her hands when she pisses.
I wash them after a poo.
-Pig. -Paul?
No, it's Steve.
Come on, Laura. Let go of the door frame. There's a good girl.
Don't I, Laura? I wash them after a poo.
Mm-hm.
-He's on his way! -Tell him I love him!
-OK. She loves you. -Come on, Laur.
He loves you too!
-He's lying. -OK.
-Get your hands off me. -BECKY: OK.
What's going on?
Sorry. Becky's sister's poorly.
Nice dressing gown.
Thanks.
And you.
Present?
Yeah.
Me too.
Have you got it on the back?
Yeah.
Bye then.
Bye.
I went to see Granny. She sends her love.
She's a wrinkly old fuck.
-She's excited about the baby. -Shall I get my tits out?
No.
Laura, that's our dinner!
Shush, Steve. I'm trying to eat.
For God's sake.
Where's Paul?
-Don't do that. -Where's Paul, you blow-job?
He says he's at Pilates with Graham.
He's a fucking liar!
-OK. Becky, can I have a word? -Yes.
I feel sick.
I'll get you something.
You'll feel better if you're sick.
When I was pregnant with Kieran...
When you were pregnant with Kieran, you were fucking enormous.
Becks?
Paul's not at Pilates.
I know.
He says that when he's with some fucking whore!
No!
Wow.
Are you OK?
Sorry. Bit of an over-reaction.
Yeah!
Come here.
I think that's the first time I've ever been called a blow-job.
Yeah?
Ooh. Chicken.
She's so drunk.
It's horrible.
She wiped her hands on the duvet.
Like you've never done that.
Don't give her anything.
I'll just make her a Resolve. Don't be such a blow-job!
Pilates? As if Paul's going to Pilates.
-Why are you being such a blow-job? -Becky!
-I think you'll find my name is Rebecca. -No. No. Becky!
-Don't be a dick. -Becky!
Steve, you're being annoying!
Becky... Just fuck off!
What the fuck was that?
Look.
DOORBELL RINGS
Sorry.
Get the door.
DOORBELL RINGS
Hi, Steve. I was wondering if I could borrow some limescale remover.
I was wondering if I could borrow some limescale remover?
My flat's covered in limescale.
Is that just an excuse to come in?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Shelly texted, said she was here. I've written her a poem.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
I'd love some feedback.
Not now, mate.
-Um...I'd change that. -Really?
And I'd take out that line. That bit, those two lines.
That whole section... Pretty grim.
That line.
And that line.
And I wouldn't end on the word "bollocks".
-Really? -Yeah.
Lucky I ran it past you.
Laura wants to get her tits out.
Becky! Come and have a look at them!
-Coming! -They're nice!
OK, Laur. Let's get you up, shall we? Paul will be here in a minute.
I want to sit on the floor.
It's not nice on the floor, come on.
Bring the chicken. He's not at Pilates.
He says that when he's out with some slut.
Drink your water. Come on.
I want to show Steve my tits.
I'm fine. I can see 'em. Fine as they are.
-Becks? -Yes?
Can I talk to you in the kitchen?
I'm all right, thanks.
I got ID'd.
Did you?
They were like, "Are you over 18?" and I was like, "Yes."
I've still got it.
-Look at the pig. -Don't be mean.
Come on. Drink your water.
He says he's at this Pilates with this Graham, but he's not.
Laura!
Sorry, Shell.
SHE LAUGHS
No. It's fine.
Maybe Laura and Shelly should wait outside for Paul.
They're fine.
Steve, what do you love most about me?
I love everything about you.
Do you want to look at these?
No.
Will you go on holiday with me, Steve?
Yes.
-Becky? -Come and have a nuzzle.
-DOORBELL RINGS -Paul!
I'll get you some more water.
DOORBELL RINGS
You are so ugly.
It's fucking killing me!
Where is she?
Bedroom.
I should go, Paul.
No. Wait.
Um...everyone, this is Graham. Graham, this is everyone.
Nice to meet you all.
Graham's my friend. From Pilates.
Yes.
I'll wait in the car.
No! I'll be two minutes.
Why are you speaking to me like this?
I'm not speaking to you like anything.
-LAURA: Paul! Paul, I need you. -Listen to yourself, Paul.
Paul!
-What? -Where have you been?
Pilates. Have you been drinking?
I had a glass of wine with my lunch.
For fuck's sake Laura, you're pregnant.
-He seems nice. -Yeah.
BECKY: Laura, come on.
I've written you a poem.
Will you read it to me?
I WAS at Pilates. Look what I'm wearing!
Graham picked me up from work and we went to Pilates.
No, you didn't.
Laura! That's not for you!
It's for the baby. It sends him to sleep.
-Laura! -PAUL: Laura! Stop it!
You're better than the telly.
You make me wobble like a strawberry jelly.
Strawberry jelly!
When I see you my heart bangs and wallops.
And I like what you look like when you suck on my...
...heart.
-I had to change the ending. -PAUL: 'Graham! Come here!'
No, it's brilliant. I love it.
Honestly, darling. You have to believe me!
Who's this prick?
This is Graham.
Who is it?
This is Graham.
This is my friend Graham, who I go to Pilates with.
-Graham? -Hello, Laura.
Yes, I'm Graham.
Lovely to meet you at last.
I've heard a lot about you.
Tell her. We've just been to Pilates, haven't we?
Yes. We've just been to Pilates.
I slipped a disc last summer
and it's actually rather good for the posture.
See?
Oh, my God!
SHE GIGGLES
Oh, my God!
So he hasn't been with some fucking whore?
No.
Well, I hope not, anyway.
No. Of course not. Those days are behind me.
Oh, my God! Paul!
-Have you got a stiffy? -No.
Laura!
I'd better be off. Nice to meet you all.
STEVE: Yes. Lovely to meet you.
Yes.
That is just sick.
Graham, one minute.
Look at the pig.
BECKY: Laura, don't be horrible.
LAURA: You're a fucking mess.
SHELLY: OK, Laura. Calm down.
Have you no shame, pig?
Why are you marrying her?
Well, it's...
Well, we've paid for the venue.
OK.
Graham. Please.
We can't do this.
Yes, we can.
It's not fair on me, Paul.
I'm sorry.
Graham.
Please!
You smell like a pig and you stink like a pig.
All right?
No, Laura. You can't speak to me like that.
You're just so unpregnant, it makes me want to shit.
Come on.
OK. I'm going to leave now, Laura.
Go get that spastic to flick your flaky little bean. Go on.
Pig! I'm speaking to you!
-Pig! -Just shut up!
Ooh!
I am not a pig! I am Shelly!
All right. Go flick your bean, Shelly.
Paul!
No! I will not go flick my bean!
You're going to be someone's mother! You cannot behave like this!
This is not on! I will not stand for it any longer!
It is not on!
You might have financial problems, and you and Paul
might have other problems too, but that's no excuse.
We don't have problems, do we?
No, of course not.
See? Silly fat pig.
Laura! I am not a pig and this is not on!
Sometimes you're really not a nice person! And you're getting worse!
Go fuck yourself, you slag!
I am NICE! And I am only ever nice to you!
And you just make me cry! I go home and I cry!
Because of you!
And you keep doing this to people and you'll have no friends left
and I'm going to piss my fucking pants when that happens.
I'm going to have a party, and everyone will be there,
and you won't be invited and it'll be exactly what you deserve!
It'll be exactly what you deserve because you are a nasty,
ignorant, cruel FUCKING BITCH!
You make me cry, Laura,
and you'll die alone, and I will dance on your grave!
I will dance for hours on your stupid grave,
you horrible, BLOODY BITCH!
You do know I'm pregnant, don't you, Shelly.
Incredible.
Excuse me, everyone.
Paul.
Are you OK, my beautiful?
Dan, that...
Well, that was horrible.
I can't explain why I did what I did,
but you have to know, I had a really good reason.
Yeah? What's that then?
I can't tell you.
Wow. OK.
Oh, for God's sake.
You OK?
We were having a really nice night.
I know we were.
No. Please!
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Becks. I didn't mean to hurt you!
So why did you?
Where are you going?
For a walk.
I swear on my mum's life, there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm really sorry for hurting you because I'd never want to hurt you.
Please. Becky.
No! Becky!
The ring's in the... Don't go anywhere.
It was in the bread bin.
It was all part of a...
I had this.
I'd learnt it.
It was all part of, like, a plan,
which is why I didn't want you going in the bread bin.
And we were going to drink this.
I nicked the glasses from The Goose. I'm so sorry.
I just didn't want you to find it.
I'm so, so sorry, Becks. Please don't go.
I swear on my mum's life. I swear on your life.
I swear on my life and I'd swear on everything.
I am so sorry. I beg you, please don't go anywhere.
How long have you been planning this?
Ages.
Are you going to read it to me or not?
This?
Do you want me to?
OK. Here?
My dearest darling Rebecca - Becky.
Today is our first anniversary but it feels like our 50th.
The world began when we met.
It's like we've spent our whole lives in bed
and getting interrupted by Dan and Laura.
Everything else in the world is so boring except for you.
I get bored when you're on the loo.
We're the same person.
You're as different from me as one of my arms is or one of my thoughts is.
When I first met you, I didn't think it was possible to love someone more.
Now every day, I find that it is.
The days go by so quickly and we grow up and our lives change
but the one certain thing in all of it is that I'll always be with you.
So I've got something I want to ask you.
That was when I was going to take the dressing gown off.
Then what?
Well, then there was this thing.
Shall I get it?
Like in Deal Or No Deal.
You have to choose one, I'll open it and it'll give you the answer.
Sure?
You can swap.
My mum helped me make 'em.
That's so cool.
Then there was more. Shall I?
I know we say we don't believe in it,
but what's so bad about getting married?
We'd get to spend the rest of our lives together.
We could be a little family.
And we don't have to be dicks about it.
We don't have to have a big wedding.
We don't have to invite any arseholes.
I'd just like to marry you...
because I'd get to call you my wife.
And I'd be so proud.
We'd never have to worry about anything ever again. So...
Well, you've really fucked this up, haven't you?
Have you asked my dad's permission?
How did that go?
How do you think?
Well, I'm not getting married in a bloody church.
We can do it literally anywhere you want.
Of course I'll marry you, you silly prick.
Thank God for that!
I'm so sorry about...
Ssh! Don't worry.
I'm so sorry.
I can't believe I hurt you.
I just... I'm so, so, so, so sorry.
Oh, yeah.
One more thing.
# Come closer, come close and listen
# The beat of my heart Keeps on missing
# I notice it most when we're kissing
# Come closer and love me tonight #
You are such a pillock.
# Come closer and cuddle me tight
# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang
# When you are near
# Boom bang-a-bang boom bang-a-bang
# Loud in my ear
# Pounding away, pounding away Won't you be mine?
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
# It's such a lovely feeling
# When I'm in your arms
# Don't go away, I want to stay My whole life through...
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you #