You're being so suspicious today.
-You thought I was going to ask you to marry me! -What's this?
Don't you dare get married before me.
Why would I want to marry you?
You fucking stink!
MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH WALL, WATER RUNS
STEVE: You OK in there, Dan?
Dan?
You OK in there?
Yeah.
She'll be here in 15 minutes!
Yeah, all right!
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
TOILET FLUSHES
HE STRAINS
Would you mind sticking those cans in the bin?
-Oh, yeah. I didn't see them. -Thanks, mate.
MUSIC FROM IPOD: "Have A Nice Day" by Stereophonics
MUSIC FROM IPOD: "Clocks" by Coldplay
DEPRESSING PIANO MUSIC
FLICKS THROUGH SONGS
MUSIC FROM IPOD: "Dakota" by Stereophonics
# Thinking about thinking of you
# Summertime, think it was June
# Yeah, I think it was June... #
Thanks for doing that, Dan.
Sorry I had to ask but it's all been a bit of a rush this morning
to get the place ready.
So thanks for coming round, but she's...
Have you eaten the crisps?
No. Course not.
-They're a pound a packet. -No, honestly, I...
Do you want a quid?
-Has he written on her wall again? -Yep.
STEVE TUTS
-Is there anything else? -Her sister posted this.
She's so ugly!
She's well ugly!
She's got such a punchable face!
You're going to have to see her all the time.
As if! DAN LAUGHS
As if, Dan! Don't you know me? As if!
I'm not spending my time with that manky bitch!
DAN LAUGHS
Manky bitch!
I'd end up killing her, Dan.
BOTH LAUGH
-Is it time for me to go? -Yeah.
-Bye, Steve. -Bye, mate. Have a nice afternoon.
Yeah.
DOORBELL RINGS
Er... One minute!
TURNS OFF MUSIC
-Hello. -Hi. Sorry, the front door was open so I came straight up.
Oh, no, don't worry. It's broken. It's always like that.
-Sorry. -No, I should've told you.
Well, come in. Come in. Sorry, leaving you standing there.
Sorry.
Sorry I'm early.
No, you're not early.
I had to get out of the house cos of this...
annoying thing with my dad. Sorry. Boring.
-Let's not talk about it. -OK.
I brought this.
Shouldn't have!
Wine!
-I thought I should bring something. -No.
It's lovely, thank you. I love wine.
Do you want a glass?
Erm...I'm all right, actually.
But don't let me stop you from having some.
Yeah, thank you. I think I will. Lovely.
Do you know what? I think I'll probably give it a miss.
It's only two. A bit early to start drinking.
-Yes. -I'm not an alcoholic.
Yet! HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
I'll save it for a special occasion.
Looks like a good vintage.
Can I take your coat? Or you might want to keep it on if we're heading out.
Or we could stay here for a bit. I've got crisps,
-the vegetable ones, and other stuff - Skittles. I bought olives... -Lovely.
Great.
-That's my bike. -Oh, that's nice.
Hmm.
RINGS BELL
Ring-ring!
I mainly just use it for exercise, getting from A to B.
-Might sell it. Get a motorbike. -Dangerous, though, aren't they?
Nah.
-So just to give you the quick tour... -Yes.
-That's the kitchen. -Right.
Out the window, you can see...um...
you can see the...um...
Oh.
It's just a bin shed. We'll see it on the way out.
And then this is the bathroom.
It's just your classic shower in a bath.
We've got one of them in my parents' house.
-Have you? -Yeah.
Funny.
SIREN OUTSIDE
Oh, somebody's late for their lunch.
Would you like to come through to the lounge?
Yeah. Thanks. Thank you.
-So you got here OK, then? -Yes.
My sister used to work in Greggs so I sort of know the area.
That's the sister I met the other night, isn't it? What's her name, again?
Laura, yes.
That's right, Laura. She's great. She seems a lot of fun.
-Yeah. She's brilliant. -And what a dancer.
Yes.
And great news about her engagement to...
-Paul? -Yes, Paul. Yeah.
-He's a lovely bloke. -Yes, he's lovely.
-No, I like Paul. -Yes,they're very suited to each other.
No, they are. They are. Well, take a seat. Take a seat.
-Sit anywhere you like. -Thanks, yeah.
Help yourself to Skittles.
Um... So I was thinking, as a plan for the afternoon
not that everything has to be planned
but maybe we could head over to the high street, go to Pret.
-OK. -Get a coffee. They do salads, paninis, sushi.
-Sounds nice. -Great.
Maybe we could go for a little walk, go down the reservoir. Or if the weather's bad,
pop into town, go to an art gallery.
Yeah.
Do you have a favourite art gallery?
I like all of them.
Yeah. It's hard to choose between them, isn't it?
Mmm.
Is that the Pret on Selbourne Walk?
Yeah. Or we could go somewhere else.
There's a bloke works in there who looks like my cousin.
-Does he? -Yeah.
That's funny. I look forward to meeting him, then!
Maybe it is your cousin!
Yes, maybe.
Have you ever seen them in the same room together?
No.
Well, there you go.
He's like some sort of superhero, cousin by day,
-Pret by night! -Yes.
Here to save the world from sandwiches.
Yes.
-I'll just... -Cool.
HE SIGHS
Want a drink of anything?
Erm...I'm fine, thanks.
I'll have something in Pret.
If my cousin lets me!
Pardon?
If my cousin lets me have something in Pret!
Because he looks like the bloke that works in there.
Ha, yeah.
-Just a few little bits and pieces. -Very nice.
Help yourself, help yourself. Dig in.
Wow. Thank you. Lovely.
Well, I hope it's warmer today.
Oh, tell me about it. We went round my mum's neighbour's yesterday,
she's got a garden.
Got there about 11, it was nice, then it turned cold
and we had to go indoors. She made us watch This Morning.
-Phillip Schofield? -Eamonn Holmes.
Oh.
Oh, at last.
-Help yourself. -Thanks.
Are you into gardening and gardens and stuff?
Nah.
I just do it for my mum. You?
No.
Boring, isn't it?
Yeah.
So how have you been?
Oh, you know... Can't complain!
Well, I could but no-one would listen.
It's nice to see you again.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
-It was a good night, wasn't it? -Yeah.
Yeah. When we weren't getting interrupted by that bloody...
pillock Lee.
Yeah.
You look nice. I like that.
Oh! Oh, thanks. Yeah.
It's just a shirt with the top button done up, but, yeah.
Got the jeans in Barnardo's.
Basically new. Guess how much they were.
Fiver?
Yeah, pretty much.
And I got the socks in... Actually, I got the boxer shorts as well
cos they were on offer. I got them in ASDA. Yeah.
You look very nice too.
Thanks.
My mum got it for me.
-So how was last night? -Yeah, great.
Just went down The Prince with my sister and her fiance
-and some of their friends. -Oh, nice. Do you see a lot of your sister, then?
Yeah.
That must be lovely.
Yeah, it is.
-What did you do? -Me?
Oh, just had a chilled one, really.
Yeah. My mate came round.
We just had a couple of beers and watched News 24.
You met him. Dan?
Oh, yeah. Nice.
Bloody Hezbollah.
Sorry?
It's all on the news about Hezbollah.
-Was it? -Yeah.
I just don't think we'll ever see peace in the Middle East till we sort out Hezbollah.
No.
-Thanks. -They're special ones.
They make them out of turnips or parsnips or whatever.
Mmm. Wow. They are nice.
Yeah.
Mmm.
You enjoying that?
Yeah. Sorry.
No. Carry on.
One?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, come on.
OK.
Didn't take much convincing.
HE LAUGHS
So how's your CV going?
Mm...
Mm, sorry. Mm...
Really good. My dad got me a book about how to write one.
-Did he? -Yeah.
Have you read it?
Yeah. It's gripping.
So you going to write one, then?
-No, of course not. I've got nothing to put on it. -Yeah.
And, also, why would I write my CV just to spend my entire life
getting paid basically nothing to do something boring
-and get treated like shit? -Oh, my God, that is...
MOBILE RINGS
-Sorry. -No, don't worry. Answer it.
No. It's fine.
RINGING CONTINUES
RINGING STOPS
So what plans you got for the weekend?
MOBILE RINGS
Sorry.
-I should probably answer it. -Yeah. Of course. Don't mind me.
-I'll be in the kitchen. -I'll get rid of him.
No worries. No worries.
I'll be in there.
Hello? What do you want?
Yeah? Well, if you're going to say stuff like that to my dad,
it's going to come back to me.
Don't call me that.
No, I'm with someone.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, Lee. It's none of your business.
-Sorry, sorry. -One minute.
Sorry, don't mind me.
Seriously, don't mind me. Just...
Sorry.
I've got to go, OK?
Yeah, well, I don't.
And stop writing stuff on my wall, it's annoying.
OK, bye, Lee. Bye.
This is silly. I'm going now, OK? Bye, Lee.
-Sorry about that. -Oh. Oh, that's all right.
Sorry for disturbing you. I was just doing a bit of washing-up.
-Don't worry. -Great.
-You OK? -Yeah.
Good.
-Got a nice phone. I like it. -Oh, yeah, thanks
I've just got this crappy old thing. It's got Snake on it.
I used to have an HTC but I left it on a bus.
Oh, no.
-Do you remember it? -Yeah, of course.
-You've got to avoid hitting the wall. -Yeah, I know.
I hit the wall.
-Yeah, you're meant to avoid hitting the wall. -No, I get that.
You got 30.
-I didn't know what buttons to press. -Yes, you did!
All right, Steve. Why don't you go wash up your fork?
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, that'll be Dan.
Steve!
Told you.
I've got your umbrella!
He hasn't.
-DOORBELL RINGS -Steve!
He's going out with this complete bitch.
He reckons she looks like Winslet...
Kate Winslet?
But...she's just fat and posh.
DOORBELL RINGS
Steve! Did she turn up? Steve!
Steve! Did she turn up?
All right, then.
-Let's go to Pret. -Yes. I'll just get my things.
I'll pop to the bathroom.
-TOILET FLUSHES -Fuck.
It was weird how we both ended up in The Goose, wasn't it?
-I only went there cos of Dan. -What, sorry?
I was thinking about Saturday.
When I went to The Goose cos of Dan and you went in there
cos of your sister.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Weird, isn't it? I was just going to stay in and get a Chinese.
Mm.
Oh. Maybe it wasn't that weird. Sorry.
Ready?
Erm...
I broke the sink.
Pardon?
I broke the sink.
You broke the sink?
Yeah.
How?
I was sort of climbing on it and it sort of came away from the wall.
HE LAUGHS You were climbing on it?
Yeah.
Why were you climbing on it?
I was trying to look at the photos.
HE LAUGHS
Have you seen this one?
You going to fix it?
Yes. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
-You good at fixing things? -Yeah. Of course. Let's have a look.
Hmm. Yep. I see. One minute. Just get a proper look at it.
Yeah. It's no problem. Oh, I see what's happened.
-I'll do it later. -Yeah?
Yeah. I need my toolkit.
-Where do you keep it? -In the cupboard.
-Do you want to get it? Do it now? -No.
-I don't mind. -No,
I don't want to hold us up. I'll do it later.
-It's just the... Yeah, it's just the pipes. That's all it is. -Oh.
It's just the pipes have come away from the...joist.
Good. Shall we go?
Yeah. It's a bit embarrassing... having those photos.
My mate Barney put them up on Facebook and I de-tagged them
-but he made me tag them again. -I'll have to have a look.
-Oh, yeah. I forgot we were Facebook friends. -He's lying.
We spent the whole of last night looking at your wall.
No, we didn't.
-Have a look on the laptop. -Oh, Dan...
-We weren't being pervy. -I didn't say you were.
No, I know, but some people might think it's a bit pervy.
-Did you think it was pervy? -No, but...
Because if you were doing it and you thought it was pervy,
that probably means it was pervy.
I didn't think it was pervy.
-I need the bathroom. -It weren't in a stalkery way.
You've got a photo of my sister on your laptop.
-He doesn't fancy her. He thinks she's well ugly. -No, I don't.
-A lot of men find her very attractive. -No, I know.
-The light's on the... -It's daytime.
Yep.
I was just interested to see what you had on there.
OK!
I was bored and Dan was just wondering if you and me
had any mutual friends.
-Do you mind not talking to me while I'm on the loo? -Sorry.
-Any crisps left? -No.
-You opened those olives yet? -Did you want anything, Dan?
No, thought you could use some moral support.
Oh, well, thanks for that. You've been great.
-Do you want me to come to Pret with you? -No!
I won't say anything. I'll just have a sandwich.
You really have to go now, Dan. OK, Dan...
Do you want me to give you a knock when you're back from Pret?
Can you go now, please?
-You going to shag her? -Please...
-Do you want me to come back in five minutes? -No, Dan.
-You touched her tits? -Dan! She's in there!
Yeah, but have you touched them?
OK, Dan, you've got to go.
-Shall I come back when she's gone? -No, Dan.
Where's he gone?
-He had to shoot. -That's a shame.
Yeah.
I'm so sorry about all that.
I really was just looking to see if we had any mutual friends.
-Do we? -Yeah.
Who?
-Rob Richards. -Do you like him?
-Not really. You? -No, of course not.
-Have you met his brother? -Ugh. Don't.
Let's get a coffee. And I promise I won't come home tonight
and go on your Facebook page or anything, OK?
-OK. -Good. Well, that's cleared up, then. I'll just get my wallet.
I'd forget my face if it weren't screwed on.
-Head. -Erm...
-What? -Do you actually want a coffee?
Erm...
I don't know. Do you?
I don't know.
They do smoothies.
Oh, OK.
Or we could just go for a little walk, if you didn't want a drink?
-Erm... -Or we could do something else. Head straight to the gallery.
We can do whatever you want, really.
OK.
I'm really sorry about the Facebook thing and your sister
and everything. I don't know what I was thinking.
But if you want to just sort of leave or whatever, I'll understand.
Because it was a really disrespectful
and basically sexist thing to do, if I'm honest.
I don't know why I did it because it's not a very me thing to do
and I've never done it before but...
I'm really sorry.
Do you think maybe we could just...
stay here?
OK.
Unless you want to go out.
No, of course not.
OK.
Maybe we could see what's on telly.
-Doctors. -Great.
Do you fancy a beer?
Erm... Are you having one?
Yeah.
If you are.
OK. What you got?
Um...
It's this weird Polish one my mate gets.
It's nice though. Moreish.
Sounds good.
-I'll wait in there. -OK.
# Come closer, come closer and listen
# The beat of my heart Keeps on missing
# I notice it most when we're kissing
# Come closer and love me tonight
# That's right
# Come closer and cuddle me tight
# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
# When you are near
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
# It's such a lovely feeling
# When I'm in your arms
# Don't go away, I want to stay My whole life through...
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you #