1
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:06,560
You are being so suspicious today.
2
00:00:07,560 --> 00:00:09,800
I think at one point, you thought
I was going to ask you to marry me.
3
00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:13,640
Why would I want to marry you?
You fucking stink!
4
00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:14,800
What's this?
5
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,600
Don't you dare get married
before me.
6
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:22,280
I was just wondering
if I could have a word,
about me and Becky?
7
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,920
Sorry if I was a bit, you know,
when we did things.
8
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:28,920
No, don't worry.
9
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,760
I don't know what to do
with my hands.
10
00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:32,080
Don't worry.
11
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,480
Don't ask her to marry you, Steve.
She doesn't like you.
12
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:38,400
She doesn't care about you.
She doesn't love you.
13
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:39,840
No one does.
14
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,000
GRUNTS
15
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,160
SCREAMS
16
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,560
Would you still love me
if I wore this every day,
for the rest of my life?
17
00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:49,200
Probably.
18
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,160
Have we got any beers?
19
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:15,720
Becks, there's no beers in the fridge.
20
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,560
Are you speaking to me?
21
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,640
CELLPHONE VIBRATES
22
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,240
There's no beers in the fridge.
23
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:30,600
There must be.
24
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:32,120
My mum's just got off the bus.
25
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:35,200
-Don't sit there.
-God.
26
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:37,640
A lot of it, wasn't there?
27
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:38,760
Yep.
28
00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,040
You enjoyed that, didn't you?
29
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,160
You had a lovely time.
30
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,280
Don't talk to it.
31
00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:48,280
Gimme that.
32
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,400
That.
33
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,240
Bit more?
34
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:15,000
We've run out of beers.
35
00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,880
Shall we talk
when I've finished this, yeah?
36
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:19,520
We've run out of beers.
37
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:21,800
Have a look in the cupboards.
38
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:23,880
I have.
39
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,160
There's no beers in the fridge
or the cupboards?
40
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,160
No. We've run out.
41
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,520
Oh, shit.
42
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,720
There must be one in the cupboard.
43
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,840
Why's Barney not got us any?
44
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:40,520
He's visiting his mum.
45
00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:47,640
Wasn't there one on the shelf?
46
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:48,800
I drank it.
47
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,960
Oh, I think I saw one
behind the...
48
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:58,760
Thank God for that.
49
00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,080
DOORBELL RINGS
50
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,640
Hopefully, she'll have some with her.
51
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,000
Hi, Mum.
52
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,920
Thanks, Becky.
53
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,360
Mike is being a dick.
54
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,480
He's trashing my bloody house.
55
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,000
CELLPHONE RINGS
56
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,120
SIGHS
57
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,000
Excuse me.
58
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:22,760
What?
59
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:27,080
Yeah, well, that is bollocks, Mike,
because if you did love me,
60
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,960
you wouldn't be trashing my house.
61
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,840
Imagine loving your mum.
62
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,360
Shut up. I love her.
63
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,960
You don't love her.
You just want to fuck her.
64
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,120
CHUCKLES
65
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:46,680
Wow.
66
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:49,840
It's Children In Need.
67
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,760
I'm not watching Children In Need
without a beer.
68
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,520
You should use my roll-on.
69
00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:56,040
We're gonna have to go Azeem's now,
aren't we?
70
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:57,360
Cans are a pound each.
71
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,000
Anything?
72
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:02,840
I found the Marmite.
73
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,000
Have some of that.
74
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:08,520
We're saving that
for a special occasion.
75
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:09,800
That.
76
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,200
I can't believe
I'm considering drinking this.
77
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,240
If you even try
and make me clear that up,
78
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,240
I promise you
I'll pull your bollocks off.
79
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:35,960
Hello, hello, hello.
The door was open...
80
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:37,720
Don't come in. I smashed a glass.
81
00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,280
It's gone everywhere.
82
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:43,640
Can you chuck us our shoes?
83
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,320
Yep.
84
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,040
So, The One Show is on at seven.
85
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,120
Then Children In Need
starts at half past.
86
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,600
What time are they announcing
the grand total?
87
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,320
I didn't mean chuck.
88
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:03,840
Sorry.
89
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,640
Do you reckon
Darren would get us free pizzas?
90
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,280
Dunno. I'll call him.
91
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,640
What shall we get?
Couple of meat feasts?
92
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,360
Ow, Dan!
93
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:17,880
Sorry.
94
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:22,120
What do you think
about the meat feasts?
95
00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:23,960
-Extra meat?
-Yeah, course.
96
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,360
-Two?
-Three.
97
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:27,480
Four.
98
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,040
That's two pizzas each.
99
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,200
You're so boring.
100
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,000
Did you want anything?
101
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,560
Nope. No. Just filling time.
102
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:45,760
Until?
103
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:47,960
Dunno.
104
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,480
I found this.
105
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,320
Oh. That's nice.
106
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,920
JANET: Just get out of my house
or I'm calling the police.
107
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,840
Mike's being horrible to my mum.
108
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,360
LAUGHING
109
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:15,840
JANET: What you're saying, Mike,
is sexist. Yes, it is.
110
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,000
It's the most sexist thing
I've ever heard.
111
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:20,560
Because you're treating me...
112
00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:24,880
You are treating me
like a piece of meat and I am not.
113
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,800
I am not a piece of meat.
114
00:06:28,240 --> 00:06:29,440
OPENS BEER CAN
115
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:30,960
Mike?
116
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,400
Trust me, Mike.
117
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:36,600
It was in your coat.
118
00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,040
What were you looking there for?
119
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:41,720
Money.
120
00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,240
Nice.
121
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,440
JANET: I will say what I want.
This is a free country, Mike.
122
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:49,520
My Uncle Pierce,
he fought in the war,
123
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:52,400
so you could...
Oh, here we go again.
124
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,720
For God's sake,
I haven't changed my hair.
125
00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,120
I'm gonna apply for a job.
126
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,080
Yeah? What as?
127
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:07,800
-Dunno.
-Right.
128
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,760
JANET: Do you remember
what I said to you at the bingo?
129
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:16,320
At the bingo.
When we won the waffle-maker.
130
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,360
I need a poo.
131
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:27,160
Okay. Are you gonna do one?
132
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:31,360
No, not yet.
I'm gonna leave it
to the last minute so it's nicer.
133
00:07:31,440 --> 00:07:33,640
-Yeah. I do that.
-Yeah.
134
00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,080
Saves you having to push.
135
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:39,320
Yeah. I like the feeling
when it slips out.
136
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,080
Steve's not interested, Mike.
137
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,000
-This morning, I filmed...
-Too far.
138
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,120
Yep.
139
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,000
He's coming over.
140
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:52,480
Hey.
141
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,440
Don't worry, okay? I'm here.
I'm not gonna let him hurt you.
142
00:07:56,800 --> 00:07:58,280
I can't let him in, Steve.
143
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,160
I won't let him in.
I'll block the door.
He's not going to get past me.
144
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,760
He's just saying
all these bad things about me.
145
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,040
New telly.
146
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,800
It's Laura's.
They had it delivered here.
147
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:10,200
Pardon?
148
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,840
-They had it delivered.
-Oh, right.
149
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,240
So, Children In Need is on tonight.
150
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,160
I've met Wogan.
151
00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,160
-I'm gonna go in there.
-Cool.
152
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:28,320
STEVE: I'm sure it'll blow over.
He's just feeling down at the moment.
153
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,280
He's probably got problems at work.
The thing is, you know,
he's saying all these bad things,
154
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,120
like people do,
but he's just being Mike.
He didn't mean it.
155
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,200
He's just being emotional.
156
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,800
Yeah.
157
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,760
I should probably open a window.
158
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:46,880
Yeah.
159
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,480
Shall I open it?
160
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:55,760
Nah.
161
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,400
Can I get you an ashtray?
162
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,280
No. You're all right.
163
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,720
Yeah. With extra meat.
164
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:15,120
Extra meat.
165
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:22,320
No, I've got three bars.
It's you, Darren. We want extra meat.
166
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,960
We've been through this, Mike.
167
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,120
We've been through this.
168
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,920
He's doing my bloody head in.
169
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:39,600
Yeah, extra meat.
170
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,520
You know you shouldn't be
on the phone when you're driving.
171
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:43,760
Don't sit there.
172
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:46,800
Mike!
173
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,800
I'll text you. I'll text you.
174
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,560
Are you done?
175
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:14,320
Yeah.
176
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,640
You can keep it.
177
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:20,800
Thanks.
178
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,960
DOORBELL RINGS
179
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,560
Dan stuck his finger in the Marmite.
180
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,160
Oh, I see.
181
00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,120
What did you think I meant?
182
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,720
You don't wanna know.
183
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:50,280
DOORBELL RINGS
184
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,600
-All right?
-Hey, Steve.
185
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,000
Becks. Oh, love the hair.
186
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,520
Dan.
187
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,760
Paul. Give 'em a kiss.
188
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,080
Start with Steve.
189
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,560
Hello.
190
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,280
-Hi.
-Both cheeks.
191
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,760
I'm actually all right, thanks.
192
00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:34,760
He's got to learn, Becks.
He never kisses anyone
when he meets them.
193
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,160
-Seriously, don't worry about it.
-Both cheeks.
194
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,280
Don't.
195
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,040
Oh, Becks. You're so frigid.
196
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:45,080
Erm...
Are those yours to open?
197
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:53,320
Mr. DF Perkins. Have you ever heard
of a Mr. DF Perkins living round here?
198
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,240
You're so banal.
199
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,120
-Where's your mum?
-Mike, this is my flat.
You're not coming in here. Fuck off.
200
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,600
-Show me your other phone!
-Mike, get out. I mean it.
201
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,120
-Give me your phone.
-I don't know what you mean.
202
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:11,200
Scary.
203
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,320
You know exactly what I mean.
204
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,480
Shut up.
205
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,080
Oh, my God, Paul. Look at our telly.
206
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,040
-It's big, isn't it?
-It is big.
207
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,200
Just give me it.
208
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,040
It cost us £2,000.
I should hope it's big.
209
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:24,920
It cost us what?
210
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,240
Hey, Janet. Gimme your cheek.
211
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,440
Yes. Hello.
212
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,880
-Janet.
-Paul.
213
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,400
-All right?
-Yeah.
214
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:38,040
Mike, don't be such a grumpy guts.
Gimme your cheek.
215
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,120
-Erm, Dan?
-Yeah?
216
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,680
-You okay?
-Yeah.
217
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,080
Good.
218
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,120
-You using our loo?
-Yeah.
219
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:51,760
Steve, tell him.
220
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,240
Yeah. I'm coming. Dan...
221
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,000
-I'll flush it.
-I know you will.
222
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,560
-Okay.
-You only live up there.
223
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,320
It's coming out.
224
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,280
Come on, mate.
Fuck off, the lot of you.
225
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,800
Oh, Mike.
226
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:04,960
Right, this is the one.
227
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:06,920
Tell him, Steve.
There's nothing on it.
228
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,680
Well, why have you got
two phones then?
Why do you need two phones?
229
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,280
CAR ENGINE RUMBLES
230
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,240
-Bollocks.
-Mike.
231
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,040
It's my old phone, Mike.
There's nothing on it.
232
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,160
Come on, Mike.
233
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,760
Sent Monday at 11.17 pm.
234
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,560
When she told me
she was on her way home
from Jenny's.
235
00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:53,120
Jenny's got a new number.
I haven't saved it yet.
236
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,280
Look, this is all just
a big misunderstanding.
237
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,520
-Why don't you pop to Azeem's,
get us a few beers...
-It's locked!
238
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,600
Press unlock. Then the star key.
239
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:01,720
I'll do it.
240
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:04,640
Men.
241
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:13,520
-Press unlock. Then the star key.
-Okay, Paul. I don't need your help.
242
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,640
Now how does one unlock a Nokia?
243
00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:20,360
Press unlock, then the star key.
244
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,840
-For fuck's sake.
-All right. Keep your hair on.
245
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,480
Sent Monday at 11.17 pm.
246
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:26,640
Mike.
247
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,280
"Thanks for a fun night.
It's like we're both teenagers."
248
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,200
-She's clearly texting Jenny.
This is ridiculous.
-Yeah.
249
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:34,800
"It was great to see you.
I haven't had a night
like that in ages."
250
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,600
Come on, Mike.
It's Children In Need.
251
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,840
-He's being silly, isn't he?
-So silly.
252
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,920
"Next time, if you're good,
I'll let you put it in my mouth."
253
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,240
Come on, that's clearly...
254
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,320
That's clearly...
255
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,360
Mum.
256
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,560
We were toasting marshmallows.
257
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,880
-Bollocks!
-Mike.
258
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:09,200
We were toasting marshmallows
and Jenny wanted to feed me one
259
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,120
and I wouldn't let her,
because she hadn't been good.
260
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,560
-That's such bollocks!
-Mike, please.
261
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:19,240
So, I simply said to her, next time,
if she's good,
262
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:24,720
I'll let her put it, the marshmallow,
I'll let her put it in my mouth.
263
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:26,720
Now what's wrong with that?
264
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:28,480
Right. Fine.
I'll read you another one.
265
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,040
No. I don't think
we need to hear any more.
266
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:33,400
To be honest, Mike,
in Janet's defence,
267
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,040
I wouldn't let someone feed me
a marshmallow.
268
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,840
She wasn't eating
a fucking marshmallow.
269
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,880
Okay, Laura...
270
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,160
-I like to eat at my own pace,
don't I, Paul?
-Yeah.
271
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,120
It's because I'm pregnant.
272
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,440
I don't even like marshmallows.
I really don't.
273
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,960
Crazy, I know,
but I think it's the texture.
They're so springy.
274
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,080
I'm the same with flumps.
Now, don't get me wrong.
275
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,280
I could eat cola bottles
till they come out of my nose
276
00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,280
and sometimes they do.
But would I eat a marshmallow?
277
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,160
No. And would I eat a flump?
No, I wouldn't.
278
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,160
Though I do like nougat.
279
00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:07,800
I like those giant snakes...
280
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,280
For fuck's sake!
Can't you all just fuck off?
281
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,600
Mike. I was round Jenny's.
We were toasting marshmallows.
282
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,640
Now, there is no need
for that language.
283
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,560
Can I get anyone
a nice glass of Advocaat?
284
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:39,720
Ooh. Yeah. I'll have one.
285
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,880
-Mum?
-No, I'll have this.
286
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:48,640
Laura?
287
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,080
-Do you have any plum juice?
-No.
288
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,400
-You don't have any plum juice?
-No.
289
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:58,280
Incredible.
290
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,160
Have you ever had plum juice, Janet?
291
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,680
-No.
-Really?
292
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:02,760
Becks?
293
00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:05,120
PHONE RINGS
294
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,080
Did you give anyone our number?
295
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,640
No. What is our number?
296
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,000
Dunno.
297
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,120
Are you going to answer it?
298
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:37,440
DOORBELL RINGS
299
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:39,360
Pizzas.
300
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,880
-Hello, Shelly.
-All right?
301
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,360
Hi, guys. Thanks for this.
302
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:52,640
Laura's been so good with him
but I think he's getting a bit,
303
00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,520
you know. Laura's Laura, isn't she,
which is great.
304
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,280
But, she can be a bit...
Well, I don't want to say anything
305
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:04,600
because she's been so good actually
helping with Kieran
306
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,920
but it's so nice of you
to give her a break
307
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,160
and I know Kieran's excited,
aren't you?
308
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,600
Yeah. I've got his toothbrush
in there and his DS,
309
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:18,840
and he's got swimming in the morning
so make sure he takes this with him.
310
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,240
It starts at eight
but he likes to get there for 7.30.
311
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,280
-Does he?
-Yeah.
312
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:25,600
Fantastic.
313
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:30,360
And you might need to help him
with his costume, Becky,
if that's okay.
314
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:31,680
What do you mean?
315
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:36,240
And he might wet the bed
a little bit tonight
but he's got his pajamas
316
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,440
so it shouldn't leak.
317
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,720
Laura said she'd spoken to you.
318
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,240
Erm...
319
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,560
By the way, Becks,
Shelly's going to... Oh, good.
320
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,520
So, is it okay if he stays?
321
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,760
-Um...
-Um...
322
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:58,840
I got you these.
323
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,800
-Yeah, he's more than welcome,
isn't he?
-Yeah. Definitely.
324
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:10,080
Thanks. Just stick him on the sofa.
He won't mind. Will you?
325
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,680
You'll be all right on the sofa
while Mummy goes to work,
won't you? Eh?
326
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,400
Thanks.
327
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,280
Do you mind
if he uses your loo?
328
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,880
No, of course not.
Dan, you going to hurry up
in there?
329
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,320
-Yeah.
-Kieran needs the loo.
330
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,360
-Okay.
-You all right, Dan?
331
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:35,280
Yep.
332
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,600
SHELLY: Thanks, guys.
I really appreciate it.
333
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,040
STEVE: Ah.
334
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,840
BECKY: Yeah. It'll be really nice
to have him.
SHELLY: Thanks.
335
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,440
BECKY: Children In Need is on tonight.
336
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:49,120
SHELLY: I know. I was talking
to someone about it on the bus.
337
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,880
STEVE: Were you?
SHELLY: Yeah.
338
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:55,160
Right, Mike. Me and Janet
have talked it through
339
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,640
and we think
you're being a fucking twat.
340
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,720
Thanks, Steve.
341
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:06,240
We were toasting marshmallows, Mike.
I swear on Steve's life.
342
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,400
How's my favorite little page boy?
343
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,200
-Have you brought
his special pajamas?
-Yeah.
344
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,600
Stick him in a bin bag,
just to be safe.
345
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:17,960
We're gonna get the Advocaat.
346
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,400
Lovely. And I'll take one of them
for my Paul. Thank you.
347
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,080
How are we doing in here?
Everything okay?
348
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,640
Hey, baby. I got your nose.
349
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,240
LAUGHS
350
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,560
Oh, my goodness, Kieran.
What's that?
351
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,640
LAUGHS
352
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,560
I'm so good with kids.
353
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,560
The truth is, Mike,
354
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:50,400
I just don't like people
putting marshmallows in my mouth.
355
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,760
I know you don't. I know.
356
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:57,320
And she was cooking it on a fire.
Imagine how hot it was.
357
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,000
I bet it was really hot.
358
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,680
It was.
Then she starts shoving it in my face.
359
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,320
I don't know what came over her.
360
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,480
She was just shoving
the bloody marshmallow in my face.
361
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,640
Well, yeah. That would annoy me,
if I'm honest.
362
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,760
-Exactly.
-Exactly.
363
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,720
You swear on Steve's life
that's what happened?
364
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,480
I swear on Steve's life.
Just trust me.
365
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:26,920
Yeah.
366
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:30,720
Okay.
367
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:35,360
Good. Now we got pizzas coming,
Children In Need is on,
368
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,520
so why don't you pop down Azeem's,
get us a few beers
369
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,520
and we can have a nice
little celebration?
370
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,560
Becks, can you help us
with the telly?
371
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,320
Okay.
372
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,600
-Do you know how much it cost, Becks?
-Yeah, I heard.
373
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,240
LAURA: I'm sorry you're stuck
with Kieran.
374
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:05,080
He's so weak.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, physically weak.
375
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:07,360
But also, mentally, just so weak.
376
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,080
Oh. Hello.
377
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:13,800
Hi.
378
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:18,320
Dan, this is Kieran.
Kieran, this is Mummy's friend, Dan.
379
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,640
-Hello.
-Hi.
380
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:36,120
I tell you what.
If this Jenny starts trying
to feed me marshmallows,
381
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,040
I'll knock her fucking teeth out.
382
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,640
Well, it's all been sorted now
so shall we stop talking about it?
383
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:42,920
I wasn't talking about it.
384
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,240
You haven't been answering my calls.
385
00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:53,040
We got robbed at work
and they took my phone.
386
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,040
-Oh, bloody hell.
-Don't. Laura's in there.
387
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:58,920
Did you tell the police?
388
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:06,560
-Hello.
-Hello.
389
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:13,800
-Do you wanna see a magic trick?
-Okay.
390
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:16,960
Abracadabra.
391
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,240
-You can have that.
-Thanks.
392
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:32,480
Thanks.
393
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:37,280
-Children In Need is on tonight.
-I know.
394
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,120
Do you wanna come round after work
and watch it on iPlayer?
395
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,880
I need to pick Kieran up
from swimming and then...
396
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,160
Shelly! Are you two going to help
or are you going to stand there
like a pair of paedos?
397
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,680
Oh, yes. Sorry, Laura.
398
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:51,160
Shelly is giving us a hand.
399
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,480
DOORBELL RINGS
400
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,680
Right, let's set you up in here then.
401
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,720
Okay. That's it, good boy.
402
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,120
I'll put this up.
403
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:09,480
Okay? Mummy's got to head off now.
404
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,240
-Shelly.
-Coming.
405
00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:15,480
Me and Graham lift shit twice
as heavy as this on a daily basis.
406
00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:17,800
DOORBELL RINGS
407
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:19,520
You and Dan take one end.
408
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:22,840
Can we just take this home, please?
We're going to miss
the start of Children In Need.
409
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:24,960
You all right, Steve?
I've got your pizzas.
410
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,200
Lovely. Thanks, mate.
How much do we owe you?
411
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:28,320
Just call it a fiver.
412
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,520
-Here you are. Thanks, mate.
-Thanks, Darren.
413
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,480
-Paul's here. Do you wanna say hello?
-I'd better not.
My bike's down there.
414
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,560
-No worries. See you later.
-Yeah. See you.
415
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:45,080
Ooh. Bloody hell.
What happened to your neck?
416
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:48,080
Oh, yeah. One of the perks
of the job, isn't it?
417
00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,800
-Is it?
-What do you mean?
418
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,960
I've got this MILF I deliver to.
She's fucking nuts.
419
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:56,320
She keeps texting me this filth
about fucking her in the...
420
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:04,600
Oh.
421
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:09,360
I'd better be off actually.
422
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:12,080
Um...
423
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,320
-You fucking liar!
-Don't swear at me, Mike!
424
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,920
You total fucking liar!
425
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,920
I will not have you speaking to me
in this manner. It's just rude.
426
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,120
That Janet, I know
she doesn't look like much
but she gives the most amazing...
427
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,240
She's my mum.
428
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:31,840
Oh.
429
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:35,640
Awkward.
430
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:36,720
GIGGLES
431
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,240
I'll go open the boot.
432
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,680
Oh, by the way, Becks, little tip.
433
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,400
If Kieran has a nightmare, film it.
It's hilarious.
434
00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,160
He sounds like he's dying.
Doesn't he, Shell?
435
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:51,800
Yeah.
436
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:53,720
Sorry, it's really heavy.
437
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,800
Well, help him, Shell.
Don't be a knob.
438
00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,680
Thanks.
439
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:04,480
You said she was an eight.
440
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,360
-I said seven or an eight.
-You said eight.
441
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:08,000
Well, you should see her
with her top off.
442
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,160
Ah. Jesus.
443
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,160
-So is she good in bed then, Darren?
-Yeah. She's a nutcase.
444
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,520
-What does she do?
-Everything. Anything.
445
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:18,080
-Bloody hell!
-She's got this cupboard
in her house...
446
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:23,080
Oh, my God.
447
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:27,480
Your mum is shagging Darren!
448
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:34,960
I think that is going to go down
as the worst moment
of my entire life.
449
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:44,800
Oh, for God's sake.
450
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,120
What?
451
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:48,560
The top one's vegetarian.
452
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,320
There must be some meat on it.
453
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,440
TOILET FLUSHES
454
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,360
Oh, this is the fucking pits.
455
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:06,720
You okay?
456
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,000
There was no toilet roll.
457
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,320
Thanks.
458
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:31,040
Your mum had to go.
She said say goodbye, didn't she?
459
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:34,960
Yeah. But she's really excited
about seeing you tomorrow.
460
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,440
Do you like pizza?
461
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,560
Hey. Come on.
462
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,120
There's no need for that.
Come on, big man.
463
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,480
Your mum'll be back tomorrow
to pick you up from swimming.
464
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:55,040
And in the meantime, we've got loads
and loads and loads of pizzas.
465
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:56,360
All the pizza you can eat.
466
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,760
We'll watch telly
and you can have as much of it
as you want. Imagine that.
467
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:04,640
And then, we'll play a really,
really, really fun tidying up game
in the kitchen
468
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,840
where we get to pick up bits of glass.
469
00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:10,880
Okay?
470
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:13,960
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
471
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:16,640
Good.
472
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:20,000
Now, Children In Need
is about to start.
473
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:22,440
Let's go and eat some pizza.
474
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,760
# Come closer and cuddle me tight
475
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,000
We'll give him the vegetarian one.
476
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,400
# My heart goes boom bang-a-bang
477
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,160
# Boom bang-a-bang, when you are near
478
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,400
# Boom bang-a-bang, boom bang-a-bang
479
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,080
# Loud in my ear
480
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:44,280
# Pounding away, pounding away
481
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:46,160
# Won't you be mine?
482
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:48,880
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
483
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,640
# It's such a lovely feeling
484
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:57,560
# When I'm in your arms
485
00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:59,720
# Don't go away, I wanna stay
486
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:01,480
# My whole life through
487
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,200
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang
488
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:04,440
# Close to you #