1
00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:06,640
-I'm getting married!
-Yeah!
2
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:07,760
Take one of my face.
3
00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:10,680
We've got loads of your face.
Shall we get one with your dad?
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:13,760
-Take one of my face or I'll cry.
-OK.
5
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:15,360
This is Lee.
He used to go out with Becky.
6
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,080
We were together
four and a half years.
7
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:18,400
So, Laura's just told me.
8
00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,120
She said you were pregnant.
9
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,600
But I'm not supposed to tell Steve?
Is that right?
10
00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:24,560
Just want you to know
I'm here for you, Becks.
11
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,240
It's got nothing to do with you.
12
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:27,720
-Hi.
-I'll leave you to it.
13
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,040
-What did he want?
-Nothing.
14
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,000
You have both made
the declarations required by law
15
00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,440
and have made a solemn
and binding contract
16
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:37,920
with each other in the presence
17
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,240
of your witnesses
and guests.
18
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:44,560
It gives me great pleasure
to pronounce you...
19
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,680
husband and wife.
20
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,400
[cheering and applause]
21
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,880
-Is this on?
-Yep.
22
00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:05,760
Ha-ha. Right, then.
23
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,480
Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome
to Paul and Laura's wedding!
24
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:12,360
[cheering]
25
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,960
I'm Lee. I'm your Master of Ceremonies
for this afternoon.
26
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,280
And do we have some speakers for you!
27
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,120
[cheering]
All right. Calm down!
28
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,800
Erm... We'll start off in a minute
with everyone's favourite
29
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:28,760
old-age pensioner,
Laura's dad, Nigel.
30
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:29,720
Watch it.
31
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,280
And then we'll hear from the groom
himself, Mr Paul Parker.
32
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:38,840
[cheering]
33
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:44,920
And then last
and by all means least...
34
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,840
the best man's speech from Steve.
35
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:48,800
[applause]
36
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,480
But first, Laura's prepared
a little something
37
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,240
she'd like to kick things off with.
38
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:56,160
Laura...
39
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:00,080
[she clears throat]
40
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:03,800
[cameras clicking]
41
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:11,600
[she sings weakly]
♪Amazing grace ♪
42
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:16,920
♪How sweet the sound ♪
43
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:25,280
♪That saved a wretch like me ♪
44
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:32,640
♪I once was lost ♪
45
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:38,760
♪But now I'm found ♪
46
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:46,600
♪Was blind but now I see ♪
47
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:54,000
[cheering]
48
00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:55,960
Let's hear it for the lovely Laura.
49
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,360
-Well done.
-Shut up.
50
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,640
Now please put your hands together
and make some noise for...
51
00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:10,960
the father of the bride, Nigel!
52
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,320
[cheering]
53
00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,280
[he clears throat]
Hello, can you hear me?
54
00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,440
-[distortion feedback]
-[all] Yes!
55
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,320
-Is that better?
-[all] Yes.
56
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,560
Hello, I'm Nigel
and I'm the father of the bride.
57
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,080
[wolf whistle]
58
00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,120
[laughter]
59
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,160
Welcome to the wedding
of Laura and Paul...
60
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,640
whether you're friends,
family or freeloaders...
61
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,120
loved ones or loathed ones...
62
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,640
people we like or people
we had to invite.
63
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:56,760
[laughter]
64
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,320
Whether you're here for a free meal
and a free drink,
65
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:02,360
people who wouldn't have missed this
special day for the world
66
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:04,800
or people who had nothing better to do.
[laughter]
67
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,560
Whether you've brought a present...
or not -
68
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:09,960
you're all welcome.
69
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,160
[he whoops]
70
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:12,120
[he laughs]
71
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,360
But joking aside,
72
00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:16,120
I know some of you have come a long
way to be with us today.
73
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,600
We have the Clarkes here,
Jill's cousin and her family,
74
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,720
who've come from Nottingham.
Where are you?
75
00:04:21,079 --> 00:04:21,920
Give us a wave!
76
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:23,720
Over here.
77
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:31,480
And we have Richard and Mary,
old, old friends from way back,
78
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,160
who've come all the way from Worcester.
Where are you?
79
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,400
There you are. Hello.
80
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:44,720
And, of course, we have our Lee,
Lee Roberts, who you've all met.
81
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,560
Lee used to go out with Becky,
didn't he?
82
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,040
Yep.
83
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,840
And he's just got
back from Afghanistan,
84
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,160
where he was supporting our troops.
85
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,840
Lee, stand up, mate,
so we can all see you.
86
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,160
[cheering]
87
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,320
We're all so proud of you, mate.
88
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,960
Thank God you're better at being a
TA than you are at ten-pin bowling.
89
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,000
That's below the belt!
90
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,520
[laughter]
91
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:15,840
But seriously...
92
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,960
thank you all for making the journey
to be here with us today.
93
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,320
So now, uh...
94
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:31,520
I'm now going to tell
you a bit about my daughter, Laura.
95
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,440
Laura was a lovely baby.
96
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:37,040
I remember she started screaming
as soon as she came out of Jill's womb...
97
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:37,920
[laughter]
98
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,760
and from what I used to hear
when she had boyfriends round,
99
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:44,840
she hasn't stopped screaming since!
[laughter]
100
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:49,320
She was always alert as a baby,
always looking around her,
101
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:54,280
always reaching out for something
to play with or suck on -and from
102
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,880
what I used to hear when she had
boyfriends round...
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00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,400
she still does.
104
00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:00,920
[laughter, some groans]
105
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,480
I remember the doctors were very
worried about her when she was born.
106
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:09,360
She was very ill and I watched
as they took her temperature
107
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,920
with a thermometer, first in the mouth
and then in the anus.
108
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:16,160
And from what I used to hear
when she had boyfriends round...
109
00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,680
[laughter]
110
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,120
Laura was a truly wonderful child.
111
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:28,080
I remember watching her lying there,
naked, dribbling and crying
112
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,440
-I think you should stop drinking.
-I think you should fuck off and die.
113
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,560
..vomit down her front, her
legs in the air, waiting for someone
114
00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,360
to pick her up -and that was just
her 18th birthday party!
115
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:37,800
[laughter]
116
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,800
But joking aside,
Laura's a great daughter.
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00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,040
You're never bored
when Laura's around.
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00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,720
She lights up every room she enters.
119
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:51,560
She knows how to have fun
and boy does she have it.
120
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,400
She's a high achiever.
121
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,320
She's got five As, three Bs
and a C at GCSE
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00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,360
and an A and two Bs at A-Level -
they're the best
123
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:01,920
results our family has ever seen and
we're all very proud of her indeed.
124
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,600
She gained a place at Loughborough
University to study psychology
125
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,000
but, having just met her Paul,
she chose instead to stay at home
126
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,000
and concentrated on her singing career.
127
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:21,800
She's a prolific diary-keeper.
She passed her driving test first time.
128
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,600
She had a letter read
out on Points Of View
129
00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,720
when she was just eight years old.
130
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,440
[murmuring]
131
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,440
And she sang in the chorus
for her school
132
00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,720
production
of Little Shop Of Horrors.
133
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,920
But her most important role
is as a mother to Bernadette,
134
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,240
and what an excellent mother she is.
135
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,360
I think we can all agree Laura
looks gorgeous today,
136
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:53,120
as she does every day
because she takes after her father.
137
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:54,200
You wish!
138
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:55,880
[laughter]
139
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,520
Now, then. Paul...
140
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,000
How do you solve a problem like Paul?
141
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:06,400
[laughter]
142
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:07,760
It's like that TV show
143
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:09,920
-"How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"
-Yes, it is, isn't it?
144
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,920
Like most girls these days,
Laura has been through all different
145
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:17,440
types of men, young and not
so young, all shapes and sizes,
146
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,280
all colours of the rainbow.
There was a black lad,
147
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:21,640
there was a brown lad,
148
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,520
there was a yellow lad, there was a
couple of Jews, a fella in a turban.
149
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,400
She's kissed many a frog,
but in Paul she's found her prince.
150
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:30,720
[guests] Aww.
151
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,360
[laughter]
152
00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:36,039
Paul's a good,
honest man with a heart of gold
153
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,679
and a wicked sense of humour.
154
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,679
And I think we could all
see during the ceremony just how
155
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,159
much our Laura means to Paul.
156
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,600
[all] Aww!
157
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,240
It is at this point in a father-
of-the-bride speech that
158
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,200
I am expected to offer some
advice to the newlyweds.
159
00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:56,160
I mean, what kind of advice can I give?
160
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,920
Look at the state of my marriage!
161
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,560
Dad...
162
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,920
No, I'm only joking.
163
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,200
Jill's a great woman who's still
got a great figure.
164
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,480
Or she does once you get
the cobwebs off it.
165
00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:08,800
[laughter]
166
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,040
She's actually had to go back
to bed cos she had quite a lot
167
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,400
to drink last night, didn't she!?
168
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:15,880
So...
169
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,320
[he clears throat]
170
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:21,320
..Paul and Laura, I'll give you
this piece of advice
171
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,360
that my father gave to me.
172
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:24,240
This'll be good.
173
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:25,800
When you're going out
in the evening,
174
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:29,200
tell her that you'll be back an hour
later than you plan to be.
175
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,960
Then, when you're back at the time
you were going to be back at anyway,
176
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,920
she'll think you've come back
an hour early just to be with her.
177
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,600
That way, you're happy,
she's happy...
178
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,600
..and she'll be more inclined
179
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:46,480
to do things for you,
both sexually and non-sexually.
180
00:09:50,760 --> 00:09:52,200
[embarrassed coughs]
181
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:56,520
[she mouths]
182
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,600
Today is a day that will stay
with me forever.
183
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:01,000
-Your dad's a legend.
-Yeah...
184
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,680
I'll never forget walking my lovely
Laura up the aisle. Amazing.
185
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,360
I'll never forget this wonderful
meal we've had today
186
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:09,120
and the joy of having
everyone together.
187
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,560
But most of all,
I'll never forget how much it cost.
188
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,760
[laughter]
189
00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,880
Though I should say,
most of the cost of today has been
190
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:21,800
paid for by Laura and Paul -
or, should I say, by their plastic
191
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:26,640
friends Mr Barclaycard, Mr Capital
One, Mr Amex and Mr Virgin Money.
192
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,560
[laughter]
193
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:36,400
So, all's that left for me to say is,
one down, one to go.
194
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,840
[laughter]
195
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,440
Worse things have happened to me
than my daughter getting
196
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:45,400
engaged to Steve -though I can't
think of any right now.
197
00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,240
[laughter]
198
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,320
He's doing the best man's speech
so that'll be interesting.
199
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,040
I think we're all looking
forward to that!
200
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:53,880
[laughter]
201
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,320
But anyway...
202
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,320
Without further ado, would you all
please charge your glasses
203
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:08,480
and be upstanding, for a toast
to the happy couple -
204
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:13,240
Mr and Mrs Parker!
205
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,360
[all]Mr and Mrs Parker!
206
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:22,400
[applause]
207
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,240
Thank you, Nigel! Great speech.
208
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,760
And, just a point of order -
last time we went bowling,
209
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,720
I got a strike on every go,
so have that, old-timer!
210
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:37,840
[laughter]
211
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,600
OK, so not long now till that
much-anticipated
212
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,040
speech from the best man, Steve.
213
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,840
But before that, next up we have
a speech from the man himself,
214
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,800
it's the groom, everyone's favourite
stationery salesman,
215
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,240
the one and only, Mr Paul Parker!
216
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,120
[cheering]
217
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:58,040
Don't fuck it up, you perv.
You're a bald, fucking cocksucker.
218
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:02,960
Paul-o!
219
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,160
[he whispers]
This'll be interesting.
220
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,080
On behalf of my wife and I...
221
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,760
[cheering]
222
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:16,080
-On behalf of my wife and I...
-Excuse me.
223
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,080
..I'd like to thank you
all for coming.
224
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:25,680
It's been a very wonderful occasion
and Laura and I feel very
225
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,760
fortunate to see so many familiar
faces on this, our special day.
226
00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,680
[quiet applause]
227
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:37,360
On behalf of Laura and I, I'd
like to thank you all for coming.
228
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:41,240
I know some of you have come a long
way. Laura's mum's cousin
229
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,800
and her family have come all
the way from Nottingham.
230
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:48,800
We've got some
people from Worcester.
231
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,040
And Lee's come from Afghanistan.
232
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:00,320
Thank you for coming -
233
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,600
I hope you're all enjoying
the day as much as we are.
234
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,400
I'd like to thank you all for coming
and for your generous gifts.
235
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,760
I can assure you
we will cherish them
236
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,520
in our hearts for years to come.
237
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,120
On behalf of Laura
and I, I'd like to thank Kieran
238
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,320
and my little Lukey for being
the ring bearer and the pageboy.
239
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:20,720
Where are they?
240
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,480
They're with Shelly. I think
they had one too many sweets...!
241
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,920
[laughter]
242
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,920
I'd like to thank Laura's Auntie Sue
for making the delicious cake.
243
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:42,080
It truly is a mouth-watering cake
244
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,320
and we really couldn't have
hoped for anything more.
245
00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,640
Do we have a present for her?
246
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,080
You know we fucking do.
247
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:49,720
[guests] Ooh!
248
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,760
[laughter]
249
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:56,160
We haven't been married five minutes
and she's already bossing me about!
250
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,280
[laughter]
251
00:13:58,600 --> 00:13:59,880
Just give her the fucking present.
252
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:03,080
Sue, if you'd like to come forward,
we've got you a present.
253
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,440
Give your wife a kiss, Paul.
254
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:29,040
Ohhh! Wow.
255
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:33,360
It's impossible to thank everyone
but you know who you are.
256
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,560
-Show my mum.
-Is it Laura?
257
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,680
You're all a part of this,
our special day.
258
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,040
When you fall in love with someone,
259
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,680
it's like your heart
has been set on fire.
260
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,120
You get all hot and you say weird
stuff and you do these mad things.
261
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,320
It's like you've discovered
this side of yourself that you can
262
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,960
only see because you've been
lit by the light of love.
263
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,120
Love is like a delicious cake.
264
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,120
You try a bit of the icing
and it's nice,
265
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:23,040
so you cut yourself a slice and have
a bite and it's even nicer, and you
266
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,560
end up eating the whole thing and
licking the cream off your fingers.
267
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,360
Being in love is like giving
the keys of your car to some
268
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,040
drunk person and letting him
drive you round.
269
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,920
Trying to fall out of love
with someone is like trying to
270
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,760
change the colour of your skin.
271
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:43,960
It hurts.
272
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,080
And if it doesn't hurt, it isn't love.
273
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,240
[he sniffs]
274
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,840
So I'd like to thank
Laura for organising the day.
275
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,240
It's been great.
276
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,600
The dress is great
and you look great in it
277
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,760
and you're a great mum
to Bernadette.
278
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,560
I'd like to thank my adoptive
parents, John and Anne.
279
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,440
[she sighs]
280
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,200
Unfortunately, they're unable to
be with us today
281
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:37,320
because they're visiting
their biological son in Australia.
282
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,200
Thank you for everything
you've done for me.
283
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,280
You've always been there to
look after me
284
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,560
through the hard times,
like when Nan died,
285
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,680
or when I was accused of murder
or when Luke was ill.
286
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,840
I owe you everything and I'm very
sorry for trashing your house.
287
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,480
I'd also like to
thank my biological brother, Ian...
288
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,360
Half-brother.
289
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,400
And my biological mother, Judith.
290
00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:08,359
Unfortunately,
she also couldn't make it today
291
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,520
because she had an emergency,
didn't she?
292
00:17:11,839 --> 00:17:12,640
Yes.
293
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,280
I'd like to thank my beautiful
daughter, Bernadette.
294
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,880
You're a little bundle of joy.
295
00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:22,960
You're the apple of my eye
296
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,400
and when you smile you make
the whole world smile with you.
297
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,440
And without further ado,
I'd like to propose a toast.
298
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:35,120
To my fantastic wife, Laura.
299
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,920
[all] Laura!
300
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,240
Thank you, Paul!
301
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,360
Absolutely incredible, I think
we can all agree.
302
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:10,640
Was that about him?
303
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,000
So now it's time for the one
we've all been waiting for.
304
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:14,840
It was, wasn't it? It was all about him.
305
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,000
I met Steve for the first timetoday
and if you've not met him yet,
306
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,840
I can tell you, it's an experience.
307
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,480
[laughter]
308
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,400
Answer me, you fucking faggot!
309
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,840
This is the man who proposed to
Becky in his flat
310
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,640
and served his future in-laws a dish
called spaghetti nuggets.
311
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,440
[laughter]
312
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,080
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the best man -Steve!
313
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,880
[cheering]
314
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,200
I'm going to tell everyone
you're a faggot.
315
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,720
-Don't you fucking dare.
-Don't fucking threaten me.
316
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:45,880
Ladies...
317
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:53,320
Ladies, gentlemen...and Paul.
318
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,040
[laughter]
319
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:58,720
Friends, family...
and those just here for a free feed.
320
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,760
For those of you who don't
know me...lucky you.
321
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:09,240
I'm Steve, the best man, and
I have the dubious pleasure of being
322
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,400
engaged to Laura's sister, Rebecca.
323
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,400
[laughter]
324
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:15,680
Now.
325
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:20,080
They say a best man's speech
should be short and make you laugh -
326
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,880
which, by coincidence,
327
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,560
is exactly how Laura describes
a certain part of Paul's body.
328
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,040
[laughter]
329
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:32,640
No, I'm joking. As anyone who knows
Paul knows, it's gigantic.
330
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,640
[laughter]
331
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:37,480
So, yes...
332
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,320
If there's something
we can all agree on,
333
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,400
it's that Paul is well-endowed.
334
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:47,160
In fact, Paul's member is so big
that when there was a hosepipe ban,
335
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,880
Paul got arrested for doing a wee.
336
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,080
[laughter]
337
00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,760
As I'm sure you can tell,
this speech is going to be
338
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,040
so funny your jaws will
ache from laughing -
339
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:01,360
unlike poor old Laura tonight,
because having such
340
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,840
a well-endowed husband, her jaw will
ache from something else entirely.
341
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:08,840
[isolated laughter]
342
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,920
Maybe that was a bit blue. Sorry.
343
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:22,280
Anyway, all the wedding websites say
"don't forget to say how
344
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:24,880
"beautiful the bride looks."
And how could I forget
345
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,520
when she looks as fabulous
as Laura does today?
346
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,960
A round of applause for how great
Laura looks.
347
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,680
[whooping]
348
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:40,040
You look really beautiful, Laura,
I must say -it just makes all us
349
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,160
blokes wonder how someone who looks
like Paul managed to get so lucky.
350
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,720
[laughter]
351
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,600
But seriously, it's been a great
day. Thank you all for coming.
352
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,240
You've all made Laura and Paul's
day as special as the school Paul
353
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,280
got sent to
when he torched his teacher's car.
354
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,960
[isolated laughter]
355
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:01,920
So let me be the first to say
356
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,080
congratulations to you both
on your... On your wedding. Erm...
357
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:08,640
Thanks.
358
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:11,120
OK.
359
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:16,160
From the ushers, who managed to turn
up sober -for once!
360
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:21,840
I said to Keith that I wanted him
to come to the wedding as an usher.
361
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,720
Unfortunately, he misheard me
this morning
362
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,760
and he turned
up as the singer Usher.
363
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,360
Luckily we had a spare suit and he
got changed into what he's wearing now.
364
00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,680
-That never happened.
-It's a joke, Keith.
365
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,240
Of course I didn't turn
up as fucking Usher!
366
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,600
I think that's rather
the crux of the joke.
367
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,440
Thanks also to the bridesmaids,
368
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,480
including my beautiful fiancee,
Rebecca, who doesn't
369
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,880
normally wear make-up.
In fact, I haven't seen her with
370
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,920
this much gunk on her face since...
371
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,080
Hm.
372
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,280
Erm...
373
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:07,680
Are you all right with that?
374
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,280
OK. Don't worry.
375
00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:14,280
This is going to get better now
because now we move on to the stag do...!
376
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,920
Unfortunately, I did organise
the stag do...
377
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,840
If you've sucked someone off on the
stag do I will never forgive you.
378
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,720
..but I was unable to attend myself
because of a sudden illness but I...
379
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,320
Shall we pop outside?
380
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,160
-Yep.
-This is completely inappropriate.
381
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,760
Unfortunately, I did
organise the stag do
382
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:44,400
but I was unable to attend myself,
because of a sudden illness.
383
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,960
But I managed to get some
information off of Paul's
384
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:47,920
half-brother, Ian.
385
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:52,200
-What did you tell him?
-Nothing.
386
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:53,640
I won't go into the details
387
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,280
but here are some of Paul's stag
highlights -courtesy of Ian.
388
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,560
They wrapped Paul in cling film
and tied him to a lamp post
389
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,560
and left him there all night.
390
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:07,040
They spiked Paul's drinks
with laxatives.
391
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,880
After paintballing, a few of them
ended up in A&E
392
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:14,240
where one of the stag party,
who shall remain nameless...
393
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:16,520
Keith,
394
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:20,840
got into a fight with
a guy in a wheelchair.
395
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:24,240
He was annoying me.
396
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:32,040
They made some children cry.
397
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,880
They broke into a dentist's
in the middle of the night.
398
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,440
They killed a dog.
399
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:40,840
And...
400
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,680
..they hired a...a fat stripper.
401
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,640
Ha. That all seemed funnier
on paper.
402
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,840
I thought you said you went
to a railway museum.
403
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,120
Like you went to a fucking
wildlife sanctuary.
404
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,680
Erm. Right, so that's the stag do.
405
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,120
Er, um...
406
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,600
I just put some thoughts in an
e-mail. I didn't expect him to use them.
407
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,080
So. OK. You'll like this bit.
408
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,800
Paul is known to his friends by many
different names -
409
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:16,680
Faggot.
410
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,440
What?!
411
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:26,800
He's known as Dopey, Nailer, The
Baguette, Parky, Baldy, Mr Ugly...
412
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:27,880
Mr Ugly?
413
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:35,080
Yep. The Creep. The Tripod. Uncle
Fester. Mr Dick. The Forehead.
414
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:36,480
What do you mean, "Mr Ugly"?
415
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,160
Alfred...
416
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,560
Sloth from the Goonies
and The Granny-Guzzler.
417
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,400
Who calls me Mr Ugly?
418
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,160
Now, anyone who knows Paul
knows he works in Ryman's.
419
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,400
Can we get a cheer
from the Ryman's gang?
420
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,000
[muted applause]
421
00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:59,640
But other jobs you may not know
Paul's had include...
422
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:03,720
barman, park supervisor,
rent boy and bin man.
423
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,720
If you've given me AIDS, I'm going
to fucking kill you.
424
00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:08,040
Only one of those is a joke.
Paul's never worked in a park.
425
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:09,120
I'm going to ruin you!
426
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:10,000
[ Paul laughs]
427
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,360
-Laura, be a bit quieter yeah?
-I am being quiet, Becks.
428
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,720
-Carry on, Steve.
-OK.
429
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:22,680
My fiancee, Rebecca, tells me that
the first time Paul and Laura made love...
430
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:23,680
Not that.
431
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:27,280
Right.
432
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,400
But seriously,
Paul is a great bloke.
433
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,440
I'm going to stand up
434
00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,200
and I'm going to tell everyone what
you've done with that faggot
435
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,200
and you'll never be allowed to see
Luke alone and they'll sack
436
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:47,960
you from Ryman's and your biological
mother will abandon you again
437
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:54,040
because you're a gay, little AIDS-y
fuck and you disgust me.
438
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:57,840
Yeah? Well what's everyone going to
think about you for marrying me?
439
00:25:58,200 --> 00:25:59,760
...or, for that matter,
her mum's brains!
440
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,440
[Laura sobs]
441
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,600
Leave her. She'll be all right.
442
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:11,880
[murmuring]
443
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,160
-Shall I wait for her to come back?
-No, Steve.
444
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,040
Just cut to the end, mate.
445
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,160
Well, that's it from me.
446
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,400
Thank you for having me
as your best man, Paul.
447
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,920
I hope I've passed the audition
and maybe you'll have me
448
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,920
as best man at your next wedding.
449
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,080
Sorry about all this...
I'm not actually...
450
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:55,520
very used to public speaking, so...
451
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:56,680
You could've fooled me!
452
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:59,840
[laughter]
453
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:02,880
[applause]
454
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:09,200
[chattering]
455
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,600
In conclusion, then, a wedding is
a time of great happiness,
456
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,920
when two people who
love each other come together to
457
00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:17,720
tell the world that they do.
458
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:21,320
I know myself, because last year
I proposed to my Rebecca
459
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,520
and nothing makes me happier
than the thought of marrying her.
460
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:31,000
Joking aside, that's why today is
so important -not just because...
461
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,760
I think they've had enough, mate.
462
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,320
[chattering]
463
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:36,520
OK?
464
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:44,000
If you'd all, please, charge
your glasses and be upstanding
465
00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,000
and raise a toast to...
466
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:47,280
the bride and groom.
467
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,720
[all] The bride and groom!
468
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,280
Well, thanks for that, Steve.
469
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:57,880
A truly unforgettable speech,
I think we can all agree.
470
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:01,600
All that's left for me
to do is to say there'll be teas
471
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:02,800
and coffees coming round soon,
472
00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,440
then please stick around
for the cutting of the cake, then
473
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:07,640
they'll move the tables back and
we'll have the first dance...
474
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:08,520
Sit down.
475
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,440
..and I want to see you
strutting your stuff in the disco.
476
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:13,920
Oh, and don't forget the firework
display later on tonight. Enjoy.
477
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,280
[music begins]
478
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,200
-Hey was that all right?
-Yeah. Well done. Great. Good job.
479
00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,240
Well, that was an experience,
wasn't it?
480
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,600
-I've never seen anything like it.
-He was very nervous.
481
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,400
Yeah, but some of the stuff
he said, Becks.
482
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:29,760
He got it off the internet.
483
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:32,240
lots of people use those websites
so he thought it'd be OK.
484
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:33,520
Well done, mate.
485
00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,520
[music "boom bang-a-bang" by Lulu]
486
00:28:36,840 --> 00:28:38,280
I'm going to tell Steve
you're pregnant,
487
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,080
and there's nothing you
can do about it.
488
00:28:40,160 --> 00:28:41,360
Calm down, mate, come on.
489
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:42,440
Laura's fucked -she said
490
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:44,800
if I choose Graham, I'll never see
Bernadette again.
491
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:47,640
-Ooh, what a pickle.
-Becky's keeping a secret from you.
492
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:49,920
And she's told Lee
because she loves him.
493
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:51,240
You all right?
494
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:53,720
Not really.
495
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,040
Get in the cubicle and do it.
496
00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:57,560
Don't be silly Laura. Becks...
497
00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:59,600
-Come on. Just a hand-job.
-OK, careful...
498
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:01,240
You can close your eyes
and imagine I'm her.
499
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,040
-Oh, my God.
-What's Becky going to tell me?
500
00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:15,480
♪Your smile is so warm and inviting ♪
501
00:29:15,560 --> 00:29:18,960
♪The thought of your kiss
Is exciting ♪