MUSIC: "DAKOTA" BY STEREOPHONICS
SINGS ALONG # ...Made me feel like the one
# The one
# I don't know where we are going now
# So take a look at me now
# So take a look... #
MUSIC STOPS
SPINS THROUGH RADIO STATIONS
MUSIC: "DAKOTA" BY STEREOPHONICS
# Laying back, head on the grass
# Chewing gum, having some laughs
# Yeah, having some laughs
# You made me feel like the one
# The one
# You made me feel like the one
# You made me feel like the one #
SCREAMS
GRUNTS Oh! Oh, my God.
# Drinking back, drinking for two #
Bloody hell.
# ...Drinking with you
# When drinking was new
# Sleeping in the back of my car
# We never went far
# Didn't need to go far
# You made me feel like the one #
THUDS
# Made me feel like the one
# The one #
Oh, fuck sake!
# Make me feel like the one
# You made me feel like the one
# The one
# I don't know where we are going now
# I don't know where we are going now #
MUSIC STOPS
DOOR OPENS
All right?
LAURA: Oh, my God, Steve.
LAURA: This wheelchair man came into Boots,
and Julie's got the best wheelchair jokes out of anyone I've ever met.
It's been a nightmare.
She's got such a dark sense of humor, hasn't she, Steve?
Steve. Listen.
So, a wheelchair man, a poof and a spastic walk into a bar,
and the barman says...
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
...And the barman says, "I'm not serving him.
"He's legless!"
GIGGLES
That is so wrong.
GIGGLING CONTINUES
Aw.
That does look nice up there, doesn't it?
-Yeah. We love it, don't we? -Yeah. It's great.
I've got mine above my bed, as well.
Have you, Shell?
Aw! You guys.
Yeah. And Kieran's got his one above his bed.
LAURA: So, he knows I'm always watching him.
And we put the other one in the loo.
-Did you? -Yeah.
So...less than a half hour to go. The jackpot's at 15 million, Laura.
What's wrong with the living room?
Why don't we get everyone a drink, yeah?
Yes, yes! Barney's bringing some beers in a bit, but there's plenty of vodka.
-Yeah, and we've brought some Coke. -I paid for it.
Okay. Two vodka and Cokes?
-I'll have a slice of lime. -Okay.
Do you want some money for the Coke?
I'll add it to your tab.
PHONE BEEPS That'll be from Julie.
She hasn't stopped talking about Julie Taylor all day.
Literally, every five minutes, she comes out with some new bit of bollocks about her.
Hmm.
LAURA: That's very funny.
How's it been otherwise? How's the weather been?
What do you mean?
Was it nice? It looked like it was gonna rain.
Are you taking the piss?
No.
-Are you really being this boring? -No.
People who are inside like to know what it's like for people who are outside.
Well, put your head out of the window and see for yourself.
Bloody hell.
LAUGHS
-How was your day? -Played Sims. Built a mansion.
Made an old man piss himself. Yours?
She tried on every wedding dress, and then we went to Pizza Hut and she made us all have pasta.
I hate everyone.
BURPS
Rogan josh?
Very good.
Here. Touch that.
-CRACKLING -SCREAMS
LAUGHS
What did you make me do that for?
LAUGHS
Do you remember when you got me that mug of hot water
and I thought it was cold and drunk it and it burnt my mouth?
No.
Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
Yeah, of course you do.
I thought it was cold, and it burnt my mouth.
Are you sure it was me?
Yeah.
Steve. Becky. I need a word.
There's no simple way to say this, but Paul's got a lump.
-A lump? -A lump.
What kind of lump?
It's on his testicles.
Shit.
Bloody hell. Why didn't you say anything?
What, like... Not a cancerous lump?
I'm afraid so.
I discovered it last night when I was sucking him off.
We went to A & E,
and the doctor had a go on it and gave him the all clear, but I don't know.
He could hardly speak English, what's he gonna know about cancer?
So, the doctor said he's fine?
But he was foreign, Becks. So, we're looking to Steve for a second opinion.
What do you mean?
Use your imagination, Steve.
Hold one of yours in one hand and one of Paul's in the other,
and check if there's a difference.
-What? -It's not funny. Paul's dying.
No, he's not.
-He's got cancer. -No, he doesn't.
-But he might. -Yeah, but he definitely doesn't.
I think you should check him, Steve. It's better to be safe than sorry.
Thank you, Becky. I don't know why you're being so obstreperous.
Look.
Of course, it's very serious, and it was very good of you and Paul to go and see a doctor immediately.
It wasn't immediate. We had to wait half an hour for the bloody ambulance.
Okay. But, what do I know about cancer?
You're his best man, Steve. If he dies, it'll be your fault.
DOORBELL RINGS
Now, be nice, Steve. He's at the end of his tether.
-What are you laughing at? -What do you think I'm laughing at?
ROARS
-Hey, Lukey, you little sexpot. -ROARS
All right, babe?
-How was the party? -Yeah, it was good till they kicked us out.
-Good magician? -Fucking brilliant magician.
ROARS
LAUGHS
ROARS
Oi, Shelly.
Come on, Lukey. Let's watch the lottery.
SHELLY: Hello, Lukey.
What the fuck are you wearing?
It's Becky's turn to do the washing, and she ain't done it.
Have you spoken to Laura?
-Yeah. -Okay.
Okay.
-Look at this, everyone. I'm kicking the telly. -Don't do that, Luke.
Um, Becky, he's a child. He's still learning about the world.
I'm gonna smash it to bits.
You carry on, Lukey.
Stupid piece of stupid tat!
I don't want to jinx it, but I think I'm gonna win the lottery tonight.
No. I am. But I'm not gonna let it change me.
LUKE: Look at me, Laura.
Me and Julie were saying we're gonna give some of our winnings to a charity.
Oh, yeah. If I could, I'd give all my money to the pandas.
Not me. I'd give mine to kids with AIDS.
-SHELLY: Oh, I love kids with AIDS. -LAURA: I saw a thing about them.
I mean, they've got AIDS, so I don't wanna meet them,
but it's not their fault their mums are slags.
ROARS
Luke.
I'm... I'm on a precipice.
I know. I know.
I might die.
You're not gonna die.
There's stuff in Laura's books about it.
The doctor said you were fine, Paul.
So, I think that means you're definitely absolutely fine
and we should go in the bedroom and just enjoy the lottery.
What d'you think?
I think they're fabulous. Now put them away.
I'll move this.
LAUGHS UNEASILY Honestly, the doctor was definitely right.
Will you check 'em?
LAUGHS
Steve. Please.
I'm begging you.
Check 'em.
BANGING Luke.
Becks, can you stop bullying him?
I'm gonna smash it to bits.
What I've done this week is I've chosen numbers 1, 2 and 3
because they've got to come up, haven't they?
Statistically, at some point, they have to come up.
Then the next three are 8, because it's my birthday,
11, when I lost my virginity,
and 42, which is how old Shelly pretends to be.
Why don't you play with this?
Look, I'm gonna tear it.
Oh, he's just like his dad.
Be gentle.
Sorry.
You had a good day?
Yep.
INHALES What about that bit?
That's meant to be there.
It's a tube.
I've got one on mine.
Can I feel it?
Um...
Doesn't matter.
DOORBELL RINGS
When I'm a mother, I'm gonna let my kids do whatever they want,
because it's a free world and everybody's equal.
But then if they're naughty, I'll wallop them.
All right, Becky? I've brought my cousin.
Alex. Nice to meet you.
-I love the dress. -Oh. Okay.
I've just been showing Alex round the area.
Yeah. I'm looking to move. Looking for a fresh start, new horizons.
Lovely round here, though, isn't it?
So close to London but you don't feel like you're right in the center?
Best of both worlds in a way.
I really like your wallpaper. The leaf effect is glorious.
Thank you.
DAN: Have you seen that? It's the sign you get for the men's toilets.
ALEX: Yeah, very good.
-ALEX: Very funny. -DAN: Where's the man himself?
BECKY: He's just in the bathroom. He'll be out in a minute.
ALEX: So how many flats are actually in this building?
Oh! Look at you.
Nice to meet you. I'm, er, Alex, Dan's cousin.
I like your face paint. Very fetching.
Thank you. I'm... I'm a lion.
Marvelous.
ROARS
He couldn't find anything.
-What's happened? -Paul's been cured of cancer.
-Oh. Congratulations, Paul! -Thanks, Shelly.
ROARS
-That's Steve. -Hi, Steve. Alex. Dan's cousin.
Oh, all right?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good, thanks. Nothing to complain about.
There's always something to complain about, isn't there?
Yep.
Oh, and I hear congratulations are in order, with you two moving in.
Wonderful news. Good luck with the lottery.
-In here, is it? -Yes.
PAUL: Yeah, I hope so.
ROARS
Hello, everyone. I'm Alex, Dan's cousin.
Hello, little fella!
ROARS
-He's nice. -He's really nice.
I've got that shirt.
-I'm Paul. -LAURA: We're engaged to be married.
I hate kids.
I just fondled a man. I can't believe I was forced to fondle a man.
-Have you washed your hands? -Twice.
PAUL: Be nice, Lukey.
So, we'll start with his penis. It was extraordinary.
-Yeah, we know that. -It gets bigger every time I see it.
It's practically a tail.
-What about his bollocks? -Absolutely huge.
There's no lumps, there's no cancer, it's completely fine.
But each one, literally, the size of an orange.
No! Maybe there is something wrong with 'em.
Well, not an orange. A little one.
-A kumquat. -That's not big.
Satsuma, then.
-Oh, wow. Bloody hell. -Yeah.
LUKE ROARS
You know I didn't do that hot water thing, don't you?
Yes, you did. HE TUTS
Come on, it's 15 minutes.
LAURA: Then I'll spend another two million on our wedding,
because it's really important to me that we have the perfect day
and then I'll put the remaining 12 million pounds into gold bullion.
-I'm useless at doing the lottery. -LAUGHTER
No, I really am. I'm not even joking. It's like the whole system is against me.
LAUGHTER
Shelly's got a lucky number, haven't you, Shelly?
Yeah. The number one has always been very lucky for me.
-Oh, has it, indeed? -Yeah.
Because I've got one child, Kieran. I'm single, so I'm always on my own.
And I had one sister and she's dead and I've got one friend, Laura.
Hmm, thanks, Shell.
So, I think I might win this week.
I just... I just know.
Oh, I could do with a bit of luck myself, if I'm honest.
I've had a bad couple of years. I know, I know. Boo-hoo. Poor me.
But you get into a rut, don't you, and all you have is hope, you know?
You just hope for a little bit of luck to come your way.
LAURA: Well, whatever your problems,
it's very good to see that you're moving on with things
and you're not letting life get on top of you, Alex.
Yeah. Go, Alex.
Thanks. Thank you.
Paul's just come through a very serious illness
so there's always light at the end of the tunnel.
Yeah. Good on you, mate.
Thanks.
Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate it.
Actually, Steve, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
-No. Go ahead. -Thanks.
-What a lovely young man! -Yeah.
-Where've you been hiding him, Dan? -Nowhere. No.
I haven't been hiding him. He's been in prison.
What?
-Yeah. -What for?
He's a sex offender.
-What? -Yeah, but don't mention it. He's really embarrassed.
Wait, Dan, he's a sex offender?
Shh! Yeah. But it's all right. He's on the register.
-Jesus! -I'm gonna call the police.
No. Don't. He's done his time. He's not a beast.
-But he went to jail? -Yeah.
-He got out last night. -Oh, God.
Jesus!
What did he do, Dan?
Oh. No. Not in front of the kid.
TOILET FLUSHES
-Is he gonna hurt Luke? -No, no, don't worry, he's not a pedophile.
He likes women.
But seriously, don't mention sex. He gets all edgy.
That soap is just delicious. It really is, absolutely heavenly.
So, what would we spend all our winnings on?
Oh, good question.
LAUGHS
Laura, you were saying you'd give some to children with AIDS, weren't you?
-Yes. -ALEX: Hmm.
I'd throw a party. A massive one.
I'd get magicians, jugglers, waitresses.
Just have one really big wild night, you know, really let my hair down.
LAUGHS
Hmm.
-Shall we, shall we watch the lottery? -Yes.
Great news about your recovery, Paul.
At least we've had some good news, a rare treat nowadays.
What was the problem, if you don't mind me asking?
Oh. Nothing.
-You know, just man's problems. -Aw, rubbish.
You poor thing. D'you want me to take a look?
No, I'm, I'm fine.
I used to be a paramedic.
No, I'm, I'm fine. Thank you. I'm...
I'm, like, cured.
Okay. Cool. No probs, no probs.
Oh, I just love the lottery show, don't you?
-Absolutely! -And the quiz before it.
-It's brilliant. -Yes.
...on a bit of a roll then.
I thought, "Well, I'm not gonna do it tonight
"because Stephanie's done really well and she deserves to get through."
And I'll tell you what, Jamie, it doesn't matter that Stephanie's not got through tonight
because her place has got to be there sooner or later.
APPLAUSE ON TV
But right now, you have one final challenge.
Okay? You must play Do Or Die with one of your opponents.
I've always wondered why they don't get Wogan on this.
It would be the perfect vehicle for him.
TV: ...Leave the competition immediately, for good, okay,
you can't come back, you can't win the money.
More drinks?
-Yeah. -Yes, please.
TV: ...who you choose to play. Okay, will the nine remaining players...
Oh, let me give you a hand, Becks.
-No, I'm all right. -Come on. Don't be a martyr.
So, what are we making?
-BECKY: Um, just something cold. -ALEX: I can do that if you want.
-BECKY: No, I'm fine. -ALEX: Don't worry, I was thinking of getting a job in a bar.
TV: Have you been doing much revision at home?
BECKY: No, not really.
Who do you think you are, bringing a sex criminal into the house?
DOORBELL RINGS
ALEX: Just at that moment, super-strength cocktails back in the day.
I can make you one now if you like.
-I'm fine, thanks. -No problem.
-All right, Steve? -All right, mate? Come in.
Sorry I'm late. Me dad keeps them in his bedroom and your mum was round.
All right. How much do I owe you?
Er...
Call it a fiver?
Excuse me, Becks.
I'm Alex, by the way. Dan's cousin. The infamous Dan!
He's a funny one, though, isn't he? The eternal black sheep.
Have you met Anita, his girlfriend? Bit of a battle-axe.
LAUGHS
-Cheers, mate. -You staying for the lottery?
Er, yeah, well, I can't go back to my dad's, can I?
-Your mum makes a right racket. -All right. Thanks for that.
Oh. Let me, let me.
-Here we are, the party begins. -What a lovely bloke.
LUKE ROARS
TV: 'Former Chelsea Chairman, Ken Bates...'
Here you go.
Anyone want a beer?
-Yeah, actually... -Yeah, thanks.
-Paul O'Grady. -Correct.
How's everything with your lovely girlfriend, Barney?
Oh. Magic. A girlfriend. You lucky thing.
We're gonna have to get rid of him.
I can't just kick him out. It's rude.
He's a sex offender. You're allowed to be rude to him.
We've got a sex offender in our flat.
LAUGHS
Come on. Let's make sure he isn't sexually abusing Laura.
...and then Julie Taylor comes back in, and she gives you a mug of water and you take a mouthful of it,
because you think it's cold, but she's put boiling hot water in it...
LAUGHS
...so it burns your mouth.
LAUGHING
Who does that?
Julie Taylor.
She's twisted.
TV: ...Before we go any further, let's go live, then, to Lottery HQ to see what's coming up this evening.
PAUL: All right, here we go. This is it.
-Draw's starting. -Oh, good luck, everyone.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna kill it.
I muddled it up. I thought it was you.
-I'm a knobhead. -I know you are.
LUKE: Look at it, stuffed full of crap!
-All right, Luke? -Yeah.
TV: Release the balls!
Stupid thing.
TV: Here we go...
Would it help if I did the silly dance?
First ball is 30.
Oh, I got that one! I've got that one, Laura!
Quiet, Shelly. I'm trying to focus.
TV: ...your lucky night tonight.
And the second ball is 18.
Yes! Look. I knew it! I fuckin' knew it!
...one of the more popular numbers...
Have you forgiven me yet?
Um... No.
Okay, okay, I've forgiven you.
PAUL: What's wrong with these people?
Good.
You're a kabillion times better than Julie.
How many?
-A kabillion. -Oh.
14. Our fourth ball tonight, 14.
INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV
And here we go. Our fifth ball tonight, number 22!
SHELLY: Oh, that's sad.
It's a fucking fix.
That's going to make someone extremely wealthy indeed.
39. 'That's 39.
-You all right, Shell? -Yeah.
You just have to keep playing and eventually you'll win.
Now for the all-important bonus ball. It's number 11!
PAUL: Fuck the bonus ball.
I hate the bonus ball.
I've won a tenner.
I got three numbers. Guys, I've won a bloody tenner!
Hey!
I can't believe it!
Look, Steve. I've won a tenner.
LAUGHS
Sorry, guys. Um... I just, er...
It's hard to explain just how much it means to me, er...
Finally a little bit of luck at last.
And you guys have been so welcoming.
Um... It's been amazing! I...
Oh, God! LAUGHS
STEVE: Um... Alex, sorry, mate. I just, er...
I was just looking at your numbers here.
11 is the bonus ball. It doesn't count.
# Come closer, come closer and listen
# The beat of my heart keeps on missin'
# I notice it most when we're kissin'
# Come closer and love me tonight
# That's right
# Come closer and cuddle me tight #
Fuck!
# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang
# When you are near
# Boom-bang-a-bang-bang all the time
# It's such a lovely feeling
# When I'm in your arms
# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through
# Boom-bang-a-bang-bang Close to you #