1 00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,800 MUSIC: "DAKOTA" BY STEREOPHONICS 2 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:11,080 SINGS ALONG # ...Made me feel like the one 3 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:14,680 # The one 4 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:23,920 # I don't know where we are going now 5 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:36,760 # I don't know where we are going now 6 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:44,080 # So take a look at me now 7 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,320 # So take a look at me now 8 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,720 # So take a look at me now 9 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:54,360 # So take a look at me now 10 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,000 # So take a look at me now 11 00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:58,680 # So take a look... # 12 00:00:58,760 --> 00:00:59,880 MUSIC STOPS 13 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,520 SPINS THROUGH RADIO STATIONS 14 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,160 MUSIC: "DAKOTA" BY STEREOPHONICS 15 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,080 # Laying back, head on the grass 16 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,600 # Chewing gum, having some laughs 17 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,840 # Yeah, having some laughs 18 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:20,040 # You made me feel like the one 19 00:01:20,120 --> 00:01:23,360 # You made me feel like the one 20 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:26,560 # The one 21 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,160 # You made me feel like the one 22 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,400 # You made me feel like the one # 23 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,880 SCREAMS 24 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,800 GRUNTS Oh! Oh, my God. 25 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,000 # Drinking back, drinking for two # 26 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:47,680 Bloody hell. 27 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,200 # ...Drinking with you 28 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:52,760 # When drinking was new 29 00:01:56,680 --> 00:01:59,400 # Sleeping in the back of my car 30 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,560 # We never went far 31 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,680 # Didn't need to go far 32 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,360 # You made me feel like the one # 33 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:13,560 THUDS 34 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,960 # Made me feel like the one 35 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:18,880 # The one # 36 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,840 Oh, fuck sake! 37 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,360 # Make me feel like the one 38 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:28,360 # You made me feel like the one 39 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,080 # The one 40 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:40,840 # I don't know where we are going now 41 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:54,680 # I don't know where we are going now # 42 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:56,480 MUSIC STOPS 43 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:01,880 DOOR OPENS 44 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:03,880 All right? 45 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,080 LAURA: Oh, my God, Steve. 46 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:09,840 LAURA: This wheelchair man came into Boots, 47 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:13,440 and Julie's got the best wheelchair jokes out of anyone I've ever met. 48 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,480 It's been a nightmare. 49 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,960 She's got such a dark sense of humor, hasn't she, Steve? 50 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,640 Steve. Listen. 51 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:24,760 So, a wheelchair man, a poof and a spastic walk into a bar, 52 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,080 and the barman says... 53 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,120 THEME MUSIC PLAYING 54 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,880 ...And the barman says, "I'm not serving him. 55 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,600 "He's legless!" 56 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:45,920 GIGGLES 57 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,080 That is so wrong. 58 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,280 GIGGLING CONTINUES 59 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:57,920 Aw. 60 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,480 That does look nice up there, doesn't it? 61 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,680 -Yeah. We love it, don't we? -Yeah. It's great. 62 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,680 I've got mine above my bed, as well. 63 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,120 Have you, Shell? 64 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,560 Aw! You guys. 65 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,440 Yeah. And Kieran's got his one above his bed. 66 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:14,560 LAURA: So, he knows I'm always watching him. 67 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:16,200 And we put the other one in the loo. 68 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,720 -Did you? -Yeah. 69 00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:25,840 So...less than a half hour to go. The jackpot's at 15 million, Laura. 70 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,080 What's wrong with the living room? 71 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,720 Why don't we get everyone a drink, yeah? 72 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:34,000 Yes, yes! Barney's bringing some beers in a bit, but there's plenty of vodka. 73 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,760 -Yeah, and we've brought some Coke. -I paid for it. 74 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,680 Okay. Two vodka and Cokes? 75 00:04:42,800 --> 00:04:44,800 -I'll have a slice of lime. -Okay. 76 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,720 Do you want some money for the Coke? 77 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,040 I'll add it to your tab. 78 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,080 PHONE BEEPS That'll be from Julie. 79 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,160 She hasn't stopped talking about Julie Taylor all day. 80 00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:02,120 Literally, every five minutes, she comes out with some new bit of bollocks about her. 81 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,240 Hmm. 82 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,360 LAURA: That's very funny. 83 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,640 How's it been otherwise? How's the weather been? 84 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:09,920 What do you mean? 85 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,960 Was it nice? It looked like it was gonna rain. 86 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,400 Are you taking the piss? 87 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,280 No. 88 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,280 -Are you really being this boring? -No. 89 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,640 People who are inside like to know what it's like for people who are outside. 90 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,720 Well, put your head out of the window and see for yourself. 91 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,080 Bloody hell. 92 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,440 LAUGHS 93 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,440 -How was your day? -Played Sims. Built a mansion. 94 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,400 Made an old man piss himself. Yours? 95 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:44,040 She tried on every wedding dress, and then we went to Pizza Hut and she made us all have pasta. 96 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,080 I hate everyone. 97 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:53,520 BURPS 98 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,040 Rogan josh? 99 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:00,320 Very good. 100 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,960 Here. Touch that. 101 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:13,160 -CRACKLING -SCREAMS 102 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,280 LAUGHS 103 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:19,880 What did you make me do that for? 104 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,720 LAUGHS 105 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,480 Do you remember when you got me that mug of hot water 106 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,080 and I thought it was cold and drunk it and it burnt my mouth? 107 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,040 No. 108 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,760 Yes, you do. 109 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,240 No, I don't. 110 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,480 Yeah, of course you do. 111 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,400 I thought it was cold, and it burnt my mouth. 112 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,320 Are you sure it was me? 113 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,880 Yeah. 114 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,840 Steve. Becky. I need a word. 115 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,880 There's no simple way to say this, but Paul's got a lump. 116 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,120 -A lump? -A lump. 117 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,040 What kind of lump? 118 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:22,880 It's on his testicles. 119 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,160 Shit. 120 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:33,040 Bloody hell. Why didn't you say anything? 121 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,920 What, like... Not a cancerous lump? 122 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,120 I'm afraid so. 123 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,560 I discovered it last night when I was sucking him off. 124 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,680 We went to A & E, 125 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,000 and the doctor had a go on it and gave him the all clear, but I don't know. 126 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,440 He could hardly speak English, what's he gonna know about cancer? 127 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,640 So, the doctor said he's fine? 128 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:57,000 But he was foreign, Becks. So, we're looking to Steve for a second opinion. 129 00:07:57,440 --> 00:07:58,720 What do you mean? 130 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,360 Use your imagination, Steve. 131 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,080 Hold one of yours in one hand and one of Paul's in the other, 132 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,480 and check if there's a difference. 133 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,240 -What? -It's not funny. Paul's dying. 134 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:11,560 No, he's not. 135 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:13,000 -He's got cancer. -No, he doesn't. 136 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,560 -But he might. -Yeah, but he definitely doesn't. 137 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,360 I think you should check him, Steve. It's better to be safe than sorry. 138 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,800 Thank you, Becky. I don't know why you're being so obstreperous. 139 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,000 Look. 140 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:30,000 Of course, it's very serious, and it was very good of you and Paul to go and see a doctor immediately. 141 00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,280 It wasn't immediate. We had to wait half an hour for the bloody ambulance. 142 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:38,160 Okay. But, what do I know about cancer? 143 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,960 You're his best man, Steve. If he dies, it'll be your fault. 144 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,800 DOORBELL RINGS 145 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:49,080 Now, be nice, Steve. He's at the end of his tether. 146 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,800 -What are you laughing at? -What do you think I'm laughing at? 147 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,480 ROARS 148 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,880 -Hey, Lukey, you little sexpot. -ROARS 149 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,040 All right, babe? 150 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,800 -How was the party? -Yeah, it was good till they kicked us out. 151 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,600 -Good magician? -Fucking brilliant magician. 152 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:15,720 ROARS 153 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:16,840 LAUGHS 154 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:18,000 ROARS 155 00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:19,880 Oi, Shelly. 156 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,040 Come on, Lukey. Let's watch the lottery. 157 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,160 SHELLY: Hello, Lukey. 158 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,320 What the fuck are you wearing? 159 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:36,360 It's Becky's turn to do the washing, and she ain't done it. 160 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,080 Have you spoken to Laura? 161 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,640 -Yeah. -Okay. 162 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,440 Okay. 163 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,600 -Look at this, everyone. I'm kicking the telly. -Don't do that, Luke. 164 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,240 Um, Becky, he's a child. He's still learning about the world. 165 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,240 I'm gonna smash it to bits. 166 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,440 You carry on, Lukey. 167 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,120 Stupid piece of stupid tat! 168 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,480 I don't want to jinx it, but I think I'm gonna win the lottery tonight. 169 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,600 No. I am. But I'm not gonna let it change me. 170 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:34,880 LUKE: Look at me, Laura. 171 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,320 Me and Julie were saying we're gonna give some of our winnings to a charity. 172 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:41,080 Oh, yeah. If I could, I'd give all my money to the pandas. 173 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,560 Not me. I'd give mine to kids with AIDS. 174 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,360 -SHELLY: Oh, I love kids with AIDS. -LAURA: I saw a thing about them. 175 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,320 I mean, they've got AIDS, so I don't wanna meet them, 176 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,000 but it's not their fault their mums are slags. 177 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:53,880 ROARS 178 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,080 Luke. 179 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,400 I'm... I'm on a precipice. 180 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:00,880 I know. I know. 181 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,960 I might die. 182 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:06,720 You're not gonna die. 183 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:08,880 There's stuff in Laura's books about it. 184 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:16,520 The doctor said you were fine, Paul. 185 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,120 So, I think that means you're definitely absolutely fine 186 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,360 and we should go in the bedroom and just enjoy the lottery. 187 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,960 What d'you think? 188 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,600 I think they're fabulous. Now put them away. 189 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,720 I'll move this. 190 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:45,520 LAUGHS UNEASILY Honestly, the doctor was definitely right. 191 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:47,800 Will you check 'em? 192 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,200 LAUGHS 193 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,080 Steve. Please. 194 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,760 I'm begging you. 195 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:58,760 Check 'em. 196 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,840 BANGING Luke. 197 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,600 Becks, can you stop bullying him? 198 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,520 I'm gonna smash it to bits. 199 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,200 What I've done this week is I've chosen numbers 1, 2 and 3 200 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,840 because they've got to come up, haven't they? 201 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,560 Statistically, at some point, they have to come up. 202 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,800 Then the next three are 8, because it's my birthday, 203 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,040 11, when I lost my virginity, 204 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,000 and 42, which is how old Shelly pretends to be. 205 00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,120 Why don't you play with this? 206 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:28,520 Look, I'm gonna tear it. 207 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,480 Oh, he's just like his dad. 208 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,960 Be gentle. 209 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,480 Sorry. 210 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:44,080 You had a good day? 211 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,120 Yep. 212 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,120 INHALES What about that bit? 213 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,640 That's meant to be there. 214 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,400 It's a tube. 215 00:12:58,440 --> 00:12:59,760 I've got one on mine. 216 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:01,800 Can I feel it? 217 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:03,760 Um... 218 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,040 Doesn't matter. 219 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,800 DOORBELL RINGS 220 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,280 When I'm a mother, I'm gonna let my kids do whatever they want, 221 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:13,000 because it's a free world and everybody's equal. 222 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,000 But then if they're naughty, I'll wallop them. 223 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,920 All right, Becky? I've brought my cousin. 224 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,480 Alex. Nice to meet you. 225 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,120 -I love the dress. -Oh. Okay. 226 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,920 I've just been showing Alex round the area. 227 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,520 Yeah. I'm looking to move. Looking for a fresh start, new horizons. 228 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,120 Lovely round here, though, isn't it? 229 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,720 So close to London but you don't feel like you're right in the center? 230 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,080 Best of both worlds in a way. 231 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,920 I really like your wallpaper. The leaf effect is glorious. 232 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:47,920 Thank you. 233 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,920 DAN: Have you seen that? It's the sign you get for the men's toilets. 234 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,360 ALEX: Yeah, very good. 235 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,560 -ALEX: Very funny. -DAN: Where's the man himself? 236 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:08,000 BECKY: He's just in the bathroom. He'll be out in a minute. 237 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,120 ALEX: So how many flats are actually in this building? 238 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,120 Oh! Look at you. 239 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:17,000 Nice to meet you. I'm, er, Alex, Dan's cousin. 240 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,080 I like your face paint. Very fetching. 241 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,600 Thank you. I'm... I'm a lion. 242 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:23,400 Marvelous. 243 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,720 ROARS 244 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:29,400 He couldn't find anything. 245 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,560 -What's happened? -Paul's been cured of cancer. 246 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:33,920 -Oh. Congratulations, Paul! -Thanks, Shelly. 247 00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,040 ROARS 248 00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,560 -That's Steve. -Hi, Steve. Alex. Dan's cousin. 249 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,080 Oh, all right? 250 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:42,600 Yeah, yeah, I'm good, thanks. Nothing to complain about. 251 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,440 There's always something to complain about, isn't there? 252 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:45,600 Yep. 253 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:48,280 Oh, and I hear congratulations are in order, with you two moving in. 254 00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,600 Wonderful news. Good luck with the lottery. 255 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,200 -In here, is it? -Yes. 256 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,640 PAUL: Yeah, I hope so. 257 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:56,960 ROARS 258 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,480 Hello, everyone. I'm Alex, Dan's cousin. 259 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,280 Hello, little fella! 260 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,720 ROARS 261 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,960 -He's nice. -He's really nice. 262 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,200 I've got that shirt. 263 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,760 -I'm Paul. -LAURA: We're engaged to be married. 264 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,240 I hate kids. 265 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,920 I just fondled a man. I can't believe I was forced to fondle a man. 266 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,680 -Have you washed your hands? -Twice. 267 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,600 PAUL: Be nice, Lukey. 268 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,440 So, we'll start with his penis. It was extraordinary. 269 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,400 -Yeah, we know that. -It gets bigger every time I see it. 270 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,960 It's practically a tail. 271 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:32,080 -What about his bollocks? -Absolutely huge. 272 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,840 There's no lumps, there's no cancer, it's completely fine. 273 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,800 But each one, literally, the size of an orange. 274 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,600 No! Maybe there is something wrong with 'em. 275 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,360 Well, not an orange. A little one. 276 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,920 -A kumquat. -That's not big. 277 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,240 Satsuma, then. 278 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,400 -Oh, wow. Bloody hell. -Yeah. 279 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,120 LUKE ROARS 280 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,480 You know I didn't do that hot water thing, don't you? 281 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,400 Yes, you did. HE TUTS 282 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,760 Come on, it's 15 minutes. 283 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,520 LAURA: Then I'll spend another two million on our wedding, 284 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,120 because it's really important to me that we have the perfect day 285 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,280 and then I'll put the remaining 12 million pounds into gold bullion. 286 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,800 -I'm useless at doing the lottery. -LAUGHTER 287 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,280 No, I really am. I'm not even joking. It's like the whole system is against me. 288 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,000 LAUGHTER 289 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,080 Shelly's got a lucky number, haven't you, Shelly? 290 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,240 Yeah. The number one has always been very lucky for me. 291 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:26,520 -Oh, has it, indeed? -Yeah. 292 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:31,240 Because I've got one child, Kieran. I'm single, so I'm always on my own. 293 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:37,000 And I had one sister and she's dead and I've got one friend, Laura. 294 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,120 Hmm, thanks, Shell. 295 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,920 So, I think I might win this week. 296 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:43,200 I just... I just know. 297 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,440 Oh, I could do with a bit of luck myself, if I'm honest. 298 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:50,040 I've had a bad couple of years. I know, I know. Boo-hoo. Poor me. 299 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:54,080 But you get into a rut, don't you, and all you have is hope, you know? 300 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,720 You just hope for a little bit of luck to come your way. 301 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,160 LAURA: Well, whatever your problems, 302 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,320 it's very good to see that you're moving on with things 303 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:03,680 and you're not letting life get on top of you, Alex. 304 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,600 Yeah. Go, Alex. 305 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,400 Thanks. Thank you. 306 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,800 Paul's just come through a very serious illness 307 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,240 so there's always light at the end of the tunnel. 308 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:15,080 Yeah. Good on you, mate. 309 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:16,880 Thanks. 310 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,800 Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate it. 311 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,960 Actually, Steve, do you mind if I use your bathroom? 312 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,360 -No. Go ahead. -Thanks. 313 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,800 -What a lovely young man! -Yeah. 314 00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:35,320 -Where've you been hiding him, Dan? -Nowhere. No. 315 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,120 I haven't been hiding him. He's been in prison. 316 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,360 What? 317 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,280 -Yeah. -What for? 318 00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,360 He's a sex offender. 319 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,200 -What? -Yeah, but don't mention it. He's really embarrassed. 320 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,960 Wait, Dan, he's a sex offender? 321 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,600 Shh! Yeah. But it's all right. He's on the register. 322 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,720 -Jesus! -I'm gonna call the police. 323 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:02,440 No. Don't. He's done his time. He's not a beast. 324 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,640 -But he went to jail? -Yeah. 325 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,760 -He got out last night. -Oh, God. 326 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:08,880 Jesus! 327 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,000 What did he do, Dan? 328 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,680 Oh. No. Not in front of the kid. 329 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:12,880 TOILET FLUSHES 330 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,360 -Is he gonna hurt Luke? -No, no, don't worry, he's not a pedophile. 331 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,280 He likes women. 332 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:25,160 But seriously, don't mention sex. He gets all edgy. 333 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:29,920 That soap is just delicious. It really is, absolutely heavenly. 334 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:45,600 So, what would we spend all our winnings on? 335 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,280 Oh, good question. 336 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,520 LAUGHS 337 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,240 Laura, you were saying you'd give some to children with AIDS, weren't you? 338 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,240 -Yes. -ALEX: Hmm. 339 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,080 I'd throw a party. A massive one. 340 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:04,720 I'd get magicians, jugglers, waitresses. 341 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,680 Just have one really big wild night, you know, really let my hair down. 342 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,000 LAUGHS 343 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,120 Hmm. 344 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:23,240 -Shall we, shall we watch the lottery? -Yes. 345 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,280 Great news about your recovery, Paul. 346 00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:31,120 At least we've had some good news, a rare treat nowadays. 347 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,720 What was the problem, if you don't mind me asking? 348 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,680 Oh. Nothing. 349 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,840 -You know, just man's problems. -Aw, rubbish. 350 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:43,360 You poor thing. D'you want me to take a look? 351 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,480 No, I'm, I'm fine. 352 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:46,680 I used to be a paramedic. 353 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,600 No, I'm, I'm fine. Thank you. I'm... 354 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,480 I'm, like, cured. 355 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,240 Okay. Cool. No probs, no probs. 356 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:01,120 Oh, I just love the lottery show, don't you? 357 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,680 -Absolutely! -And the quiz before it. 358 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,480 -It's brilliant. -Yes. 359 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:07,680 ...on a bit of a roll then. 360 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,520 I thought, "Well, I'm not gonna do it tonight 361 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,040 "because Stephanie's done really well and she deserves to get through." 362 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,880 And I'll tell you what, Jamie, it doesn't matter that Stephanie's not got through tonight 363 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,400 because her place has got to be there sooner or later. 364 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:19,840 APPLAUSE ON TV 365 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:25,160 But right now, you have one final challenge. 366 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:30,400 Okay? You must play Do Or Die with one of your opponents. 367 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:32,600 I've always wondered why they don't get Wogan on this. 368 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:35,520 It would be the perfect vehicle for him. 369 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,960 TV: ...Leave the competition immediately, for good, okay, 370 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:39,760 you can't come back, you can't win the money. 371 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:40,920 More drinks? 372 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,240 -Yeah. -Yes, please. 373 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:48,040 TV: ...who you choose to play. Okay, will the nine remaining players... 374 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,040 Oh, let me give you a hand, Becks. 375 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,520 -No, I'm all right. -Come on. Don't be a martyr. 376 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,560 So, what are we making? 377 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,960 -BECKY: Um, just something cold. -ALEX: I can do that if you want. 378 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,880 -BECKY: No, I'm fine. -ALEX: Don't worry, I was thinking of getting a job in a bar. 379 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,120 TV: Have you been doing much revision at home? 380 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,440 BECKY: No, not really. 381 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,960 Who do you think you are, bringing a sex criminal into the house? 382 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,360 DOORBELL RINGS 383 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:23,120 ALEX: Just at that moment, super-strength cocktails back in the day. 384 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:24,840 I can make you one now if you like. 385 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:26,800 -I'm fine, thanks. -No problem. 386 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,120 -All right, Steve? -All right, mate? Come in. 387 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,280 Sorry I'm late. Me dad keeps them in his bedroom and your mum was round. 388 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,200 All right. How much do I owe you? 389 00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:35,480 Er... 390 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:37,960 Call it a fiver? 391 00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:39,200 Excuse me, Becks. 392 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:43,400 I'm Alex, by the way. Dan's cousin. The infamous Dan! 393 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,520 He's a funny one, though, isn't he? The eternal black sheep. 394 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,080 Have you met Anita, his girlfriend? Bit of a battle-axe. 395 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,400 LAUGHS 396 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,600 -Cheers, mate. -You staying for the lottery? 397 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,040 Er, yeah, well, I can't go back to my dad's, can I? 398 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,560 -Your mum makes a right racket. -All right. Thanks for that. 399 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,280 Oh. Let me, let me. 400 00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,920 -Here we are, the party begins. -What a lovely bloke. 401 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,320 LUKE ROARS 402 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,000 TV: 'Former Chelsea Chairman, Ken Bates...' 403 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:12,320 Here you go. 404 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,360 Anyone want a beer? 405 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:16,760 -Yeah, actually... -Yeah, thanks. 406 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:19,360 -Paul O'Grady. -Correct. 407 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,560 How's everything with your lovely girlfriend, Barney? 408 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,400 Oh. Magic. A girlfriend. You lucky thing. 409 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:29,120 We're gonna have to get rid of him. 410 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,960 I can't just kick him out. It's rude. 411 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,600 He's a sex offender. You're allowed to be rude to him. 412 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:41,560 We've got a sex offender in our flat. 413 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:43,320 LAUGHS 414 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,960 Come on. Let's make sure he isn't sexually abusing Laura. 415 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,960 ...and then Julie Taylor comes back in, and she gives you a mug of water and you take a mouthful of it, 416 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:58,440 because you think it's cold, but she's put boiling hot water in it... 417 00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:59,560 LAUGHS 418 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:00,920 ...so it burns your mouth. 419 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,400 LAUGHING 420 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,000 Who does that? 421 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:09,560 Julie Taylor. 422 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,880 She's twisted. 423 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:21,600 TV: ...Before we go any further, let's go live, then, to Lottery HQ to see what's coming up this evening. 424 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,200 PAUL: All right, here we go. This is it. 425 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,160 -Draw's starting. -Oh, good luck, everyone. 426 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:30,560 I'm so sorry. 427 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,360 I'm gonna kill it. 428 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:34,520 I muddled it up. I thought it was you. 429 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,520 -I'm a knobhead. -I know you are. 430 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,600 LUKE: Look at it, stuffed full of crap! 431 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,400 -All right, Luke? -Yeah. 432 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:46,640 TV: Release the balls! 433 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:48,200 Stupid thing. 434 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:53,680 TV: Here we go... 435 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:55,080 Would it help if I did the silly dance? 436 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,640 First ball is 30. 437 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,400 Oh, I got that one! I've got that one, Laura! 438 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,360 Quiet, Shelly. I'm trying to focus. 439 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,120 TV: ...your lucky night tonight. 440 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,160 And the second ball is 18. 441 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:10,560 Yes! Look. I knew it! I fuckin' knew it! 442 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,560 ...one of the more popular numbers... 443 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:15,480 Have you forgiven me yet? 444 00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:19,560 Um... No. 445 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,800 Okay, okay, I've forgiven you. 446 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,400 PAUL: What's wrong with these people? 447 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:29,520 Good. 448 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,920 You're a kabillion times better than Julie. 449 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,160 How many? 450 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,160 -A kabillion. -Oh. 451 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:43,200 14. Our fourth ball tonight, 14. 452 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,280 INDISTINCT SPEECH ON TV 453 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:52,360 And here we go. Our fifth ball tonight, number 22! 454 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,520 SHELLY: Oh, that's sad. 455 00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:56,560 It's a fucking fix. 456 00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:00,240 That's going to make someone extremely wealthy indeed. 457 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,800 39. 'That's 39. 458 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,520 -You all right, Shell? -Yeah. 459 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,760 You just have to keep playing and eventually you'll win. 460 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:14,720 Now for the all-important bonus ball. It's number 11! 461 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,160 PAUL: Fuck the bonus ball. 462 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,480 I hate the bonus ball. 463 00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:22,480 I've won a tenner. 464 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:28,080 I got three numbers. Guys, I've won a bloody tenner! 465 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:29,320 Hey! 466 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:30,840 I can't believe it! 467 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,040 Look, Steve. I've won a tenner. 468 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:37,880 LAUGHS 469 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:42,600 Sorry, guys. Um... I just, er... 470 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:46,160 It's hard to explain just how much it means to me, er... 471 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,480 Finally a little bit of luck at last. 472 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,040 And you guys have been so welcoming. 473 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,280 Um... It's been amazing! I... 474 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,120 Oh, God! LAUGHS 475 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:03,040 STEVE: Um... Alex, sorry, mate. I just, er... 476 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:04,840 I was just looking at your numbers here. 477 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:10,160 11 is the bonus ball. It doesn't count. 478 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,080 # Come closer, come closer and listen 479 00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:24,960 # The beat of my heart keeps on missin' 480 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,840 # I notice it most when we're kissin' 481 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,480 # Come closer and love me tonight 482 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,040 # That's right 483 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,640 # Come closer and cuddle me tight # 484 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:38,760 Fuck! 485 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,520 # My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang 486 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,200 # When you are near 487 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,320 # Boom-bang-a-bang-bang all the time 488 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:51,000 # It's such a lovely feeling 489 00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:55,080 # When I'm in your arms 490 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,000 # Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through 491 00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,360 # Boom-bang-a-bang-bang Close to you #