1
00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:07,480
-STEVE: Er, that's, that's my chicken.
-Jesus!
2
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,680
All right! Paul!
3
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,080
DARREN: That's it Paul!
He touched your bird!
4
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,160
He disrespected you
on your birthday.
5
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,040
-I'm gonna go out there
and kick him till he dies!
-Oh, Paul!
6
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,040
Kick the cupboard, Paul.
Imagine it's his bollocks.
7
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,760
Paul, don't kick my cupboard.
8
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,160
Kick it again, Paul.
Imagine it's his arsehole.
9
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,160
LAUGHTER
10
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,240
It's a compliment really
when you think about it.
11
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,400
He must see...
12
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,000
SHELLY: What?
13
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:36,120
How many people's arses
d'you think you see a day?
14
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:42,080
A million? So he sees
a million people's arses every day
15
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:46,280
and mine's the one he decides
to pinch. I've still got it.
16
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:47,360
Hmm.
17
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,720
You're an attractive young lady,
Laura.
18
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,520
Yes, I know. I don't need you
to tell me that, Shelly.
19
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,840
-Honestly, Shell!
-SHOUTING AND BANGING FROM KITCHEN
20
00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:57,760
PAUL: When it's your birthday,
21
00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,440
you don't expect to be treated
like you're somebody
who isn't having a birthday.
22
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,920
I know, Paul. I know, Paul.
23
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,280
-Careful!
-I'm the birthday boy!
24
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:08,920
I know you are, I know you are.
25
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:11,400
I've gotta check on my princess.
26
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,680
Are you all right, darling?
How are you feeling?
27
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,440
I think I'm gonna have a bruise.
28
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:22,800
Laura!
29
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,600
Will you kiss it better?
30
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:33,080
LAURA: Thank you, Paul.
31
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,440
SHELLY: Oh, look at him now.
32
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:39,920
Maybe we should leave it.
33
00:01:40,320 --> 00:01:43,080
-He's just being a prick.
-He's ruined my birthday, Becky!
34
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,920
D'you know how many birthdays
I get a year?
35
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:46,800
-Yes.
-And no one,
36
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,000
no one touches my bird!
37
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,520
Um, I'm not your bird, Paul.
38
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:51,640
Yes, you are.
39
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,720
-I'm a feminist.
-No, no, you're not.
40
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,480
-Yes, I am.
-No, no, you're not.
41
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:56,560
Yes, I am, Paul.
42
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,200
No you're not.
43
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,040
I'm a feminist,
I'm just not a dykey one.
44
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,960
Paul, are we gonna kill this freak
or not?
45
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,160
-Listen, Darren, mate...
-Shut up!
46
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,960
-Yes, but why don't we be the mature
ones and stay up here and...
-Shut up!
47
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,800
Yep. Okay.
48
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,600
But, er, you know, we just got
Paul the Home Alone films
for his birthday.
49
00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,400
We could have some
beers, watch 'em in order...
50
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:19,960
Shut the fuck up!
51
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:22,640
What's he doing down there?
52
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,160
He's just sort of sitting.
53
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,040
SCOFFS: Bastard!
54
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,640
I think he's basically waiting
so he can have another go on me.
55
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:30,480
-Paul.
-Coming.
56
00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:32,440
MUMBLES Paul!
57
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,240
-DARREN: We don't just walk into 'em.
-PAUL: Alright.
58
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:36,360
DARREN: We take our time.
59
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,040
Go with him, Laur.
60
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,680
Calm down, Paul!
You'll get an ulcer.
61
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:46,160
Come on, Paul! Let's watch Home Alone!
You'll like it. It's funny!
62
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,240
-LAURA: Right, Shelly, how do I look?
-You look lovely.
63
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,160
Good. Okay, let's do this.
64
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,360
D'you think we should go down there
and stop him.
65
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,800
Nah.
66
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,000
Home Alone?
SHE LAUGHS
67
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,480
I dunno. It was worth a try.
68
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,560
PAUL: Oi! Gay boys!
69
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,280
Oh, God.
70
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,400
DARREN: They're ignoring you, Paul.
71
00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:18,000
PAUL: Oi, look at you!
You're a bunch of gay boys!
72
00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:19,720
BECKY: Gay boys?
73
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,360
LAURA: Excuse me.
We're talking to you!
74
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,400
SHELLY: Leave it, Paul.
It's not worth it.
75
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,160
DARREN: Paul.
They're disrespecting you.
76
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,520
PAUL: Are you listening to me
77
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,200
or am I gonna have to come over
there and shout it
in your fucking brains?
78
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,560
-BECKY GROANS
-MAN: Go back inside.
79
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,960
PAUL: No! I won't! It's my birthday!
80
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,600
-MAN: Happy birthday.
-PAUL: Thank you.
81
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,520
STEVE BREAKS WIND
82
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,560
That was a goodie.
HE LAUGHS
83
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,920
BECKY LAUGHS
84
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:49,000
I don't know why I find that funny.
85
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,920
Shall we have sex?
86
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,720
-I dunno. They might come back up.
-I'll be quick
87
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:57,520
I won't.
88
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,880
The other Paul ate the chicken.
89
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:12,320
Did he?
90
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:14,920
That's annoying.
91
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,160
I've been thinking about that
for hours
92
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,080
SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE
93
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:26,440
One day, shall we buy
an egg with a chick in it,
hatch it, grow it up,
94
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,440
feed it with its own eggs,
then kill it, pluck it,
95
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,880
then roast it on a spit and eat it?
96
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,120
Feed it with its own eggs?
97
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:43,040
CELLPHONE RINGS
98
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,320
Who is it?
99
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,360
Oh, I dunno.
I haven't got their number.
100
00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:49,680
Well, answer it!
101
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,600
No, it might be a weirdo.
102
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,040
It won't be a weirdo.
Just answer it.
103
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,840
I'm not answering the phone
to a weirdo.
104
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:01,440
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME CONTINUES
105
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:10,600
Are you dancing to your own ringtone?
106
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,400
Yep.
HE LAUGHS
107
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,160
Laura does that.
108
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,040
-I'm just doing it ironically.
-Hmm.
109
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,320
What time does Nando's shut?
110
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,800
I'm not walking for ten minutes
just to go Nando's.
111
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,080
Somerfield's have got a rotisserie.
112
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,160
Ooh. KFC!
113
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,120
We could share a Bargain Bucket.
114
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,040
I'm not sharing a Bargain Bucket
with you.
115
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:43,040
We'll split it equally.
116
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,440
How many times have I heard that?
117
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,600
Why has no one started a business
where you can just call them
day or night
118
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,480
-and they bring you a chicken?
-STEVE BREAKS WIND
119
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:52,200
Ugh!
120
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,320
You'd think Branson would do it.
121
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,240
CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE
122
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,600
-TIRES SCREECH
-MAN: Fuck you!
123
00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:01,840
SHOUTING, CAR HORN BEEPS
124
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,880
PAUL: I was trying to cross the road
to deal with these bastards
125
00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,160
STEVE: Why is chicken the only meat
you can eat from a bucket?
126
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,880
CAR HORN BEEPS, SHOUTING
127
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,680
Oh, I'd love a bucket of beef.
128
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,320
-Or a bucket of pork.
-Lamb.
129
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,200
Oh! Mmm, a bucket of lamb.
130
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:23,160
-Mmm! Mmm!
-CAR HORN BEEPS
131
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:27,560
GRUNTS
132
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,880
CAR SPEEDS OFF
133
00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,160
So what is Salon Wolves?
134
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,560
HE MUMBLES
135
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,720
Nope. Didn't get a word of that.
136
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:53,080
SLOWLY Barney's old band.
137
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,600
I didn't know Barney was musical.
138
00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:09,080
-Drums.
-Oh.
139
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:16,920
Yeah they got this, um...
this song.
Sure it's in here.
140
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,840
It's such a load of crap, innit?
Bloody hell!
141
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:25,080
Yeah, so they've got this one
really nice song
and the rest of them are dog shit.
142
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:27,960
Where is it?
143
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,480
What are you doing?
144
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:32,600
I've got their CD.
Sure it's in here.
145
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,120
Bollocks!
HE GROANS
146
00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,160
Never get that back in. Urgh.
147
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,240
HE SIGHS AND GROANS
148
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,640
Shit!
149
00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,840
BANGING AND YELLING NOISES
FROM DOWNSTAIRS
150
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,680
DOORBELL RINGS
151
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,600
Anyway, they're really good.
They've got this song that goes...
152
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,880
Don't sing it.
153
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:08,720
SHELLY: There's somebody
chucking stuff. It's not right,
it's not safe.
154
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,880
They've started chucking stuff. SOBS
155
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,240
LAURA: Oh! Oh, it's crazy
down there, Becks.
156
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:17,600
DAN: Steve.
157
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,920
Steve!
158
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,320
What's going on?
159
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,080
Look at me, Becks.
I'm like Rapunzel.
160
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,520
MEN SHOUT OUTSIDE
161
00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:40,600
Oh, yeah. Bit of good news.
162
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:44,080
You know Paul's friend,
the other Paul? He said he'd shag you.
163
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:45,960
Oh. That's nice.
164
00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,040
Yeah. He reckons you're a six.
165
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,320
What a sweetie.
166
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,440
-Oh, did you see
the one that pinched my arse, Shell?
-Yeah.
167
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,320
He's like an eight or a nine,
isn't he?
168
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,720
I'm not boasting, Becks
but he looks like Jude Law.
169
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,040
Except he's black.
170
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:01,480
Yeah, a black Jude Law.
171
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,200
SIGHS We were gonna go down
The Goose,
172
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,760
but Laura got her arse pinched
and Paul went mental.
173
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:07,960
What's that?
174
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,720
HE LAUGHS
175
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:17,800
Kevin McCallister.
176
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:22,640
Anita's getting
a bit aggie about the noise.
177
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,120
Hmm.
178
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,240
Is Shelly in there?
179
00:09:29,480 --> 00:09:30,600
Yeah.
180
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,360
Mind if I hide in here?
181
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,360
I thought I told you to shut them up!
182
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:42,600
Yes, sweetheart. Sorry.
Just dealing with it now.
Go back to bed.
183
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,840
It's utterly unacceptable.
184
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,760
I know, darling.
I'm dealing with it. Go on.
185
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:52,200
Well, are you dealing with it
or are you standing around
talking to your bum chum?
186
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:53,800
-All right, Anita?
-Daniel.
187
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,480
Yep. Okay.
I'll be up in a minute, darling.
188
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:02,640
Just let me sort everything out for
you. Go on. Hop back into bed.
Go on, love.
189
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:05,960
DOOR SLAMS
190
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,440
She normally shaves it.
191
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,200
I don't like violence, Becky.
192
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,560
I know you don't. I know.
193
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,560
It reminds me of when I was little.
194
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,960
All right, Shell!
I've heard enough about your
childhood to last me a lifetime.
195
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,960
But, Laura, I mean,
what's the point?
196
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,600
People go to war
and they kill each other.
197
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,760
And then there's terrorists
and ash clouds.
198
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,560
Why does everything
have to be so mean?
199
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,280
I don't get it.
I just don't get it, Laur.
200
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,000
All right, Shell,
it's fine for you not to get it.
201
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,280
Just don't go on about
your fucking step-dad.
202
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,520
My parents used to
leave me at home a lot.
203
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,640
-Did they?
-Yeah.
204
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:48,520
And we got burgled. It was terrible.
Nothing like the film.
205
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:51,920
They tied me to the banisters
and killed my dog.
206
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,240
Okay.
207
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,400
I still think about it.
208
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,800
CELLPHONE RINGS
209
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:03,720
Who's that?
210
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,520
Dunno. I haven't got their number.
211
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,560
You should answer that.
Could be your Mum.
212
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:11,360
But no 'cause I've got her number
in my phone, haven't I?
213
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:12,840
But I haven't got this number.
214
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,240
Oh, right. Yeah.
215
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,040
Becky? Could be Becky.
216
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,520
No. Again...
HE CHUCKLES
217
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,680
I've got her number.
And she's in there.
218
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:22,880
She wouldn't be ringing me,
would she, Dan?
219
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:24,800
Yeah. Of course.
220
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,800
-DOOR OPENS
-PAUL: His mates are coming!
221
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,320
-Could be your...
-PAUL: His mates are coming!
222
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,800
-Dan.
-DARREN: Paul, it's under control.
223
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:32,680
He's called his mates.
224
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,080
LAURA: Are you winning?
225
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,360
His mates are coming.
226
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,880
It's under control, Paul.
My dad's gonna bring his dog.
227
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,760
Okay. This is all getting a bit silly,
don't you think
228
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:43,280
Steve, I've been molested.
229
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:45,760
He's ruined the birthday
of a human being.
230
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,920
Yes I know,
but how about we un-ruin it
231
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,560
by sharing a cab to Nando's
and taking it all out on a chicken?
232
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:52,880
HE SCREAMS
233
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,200
You're embarrassing yourself, Paul.
234
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:55,920
Now get up, grow a dick
and get outside.
235
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,160
-I'm coming!
-MAN: Oi, gay boy! Come outside!
236
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,160
SHOUTS Fuck the lot of you!
237
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,640
JEERING AND LAUGHTER
238
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,560
CHEERING
239
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,160
Er...
240
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:12,160
MAN OUTSIDE: Whoa! What was that?
Fuckin' hell!
241
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,440
Missed.
242
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:16,160
CELLPHONE RINGS
243
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:17,800
Yeah?
244
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,200
-LAURA: Paul!
-Yeah, I'm coming.
245
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,400
-SHELLY: Stay up here, Paul.
-That's my lamp!
246
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,920
All right, Steve.
It was a shit lamp.
247
00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:29,800
That cost me a fiver! Bloody hell,
they're chucking stuff up now
248
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:35,600
I spent five pounds on that.
Oh, bloody hell! I'll fix the drawer.
249
00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:37,280
SHOUTING OUTSIDE
250
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,680
-Thanks, Dan.
-Thanks, Dan.
251
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,960
-LAUGHTER
-MAN: Ooh, nearly!
252
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,440
LAUGHTER
253
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,960
Can you pass me a pen?
We should do his card.
254
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,520
-Pen.
-Hmm? Oh.
255
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:10,360
-MAN: Fuck you, you fucking twat!
-Okay, what shall I put?
256
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,360
I dunno. To Paul?
257
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,400
Dear Paul?
258
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:21,200
Dear Paul?
Who the fuck do you think you are?
259
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:22,440
All right!
260
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,800
-LAUGHTER AND CLANGING OUTSIDE
-MAN: Good one, good one.
261
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,560
To...
262
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,480
Ugh.
263
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,680
SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE
264
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:43,920
It was a present.
265
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,360
Okay. Happy birthday?
266
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:56,360
No, think of something funny.
267
00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:57,560
Let's just put "happy birthday".
268
00:13:57,640 --> 00:14:00,680
No! We're funny, we can think of
something funny to put in it.
269
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,000
HE TUTS
270
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,360
CLATTERING AND GRUNTS
FROM OUTSIDE
271
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,800
Shall I just sign it
and we can fill it in later?
272
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,680
Yeah.
273
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,520
-MAN: Here we go.
-WHOOPING
274
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,320
-Bloody hell!
-Shit!
275
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,440
-Oi!
-LAUGHTER
276
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,360
-BECKY: We haven't done anything!
-STEVE: It wasn't us!
277
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,880
We're staying out of it!
278
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,280
MAN: Where's the bald bastard?
We dunno.
279
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:46,120
STEVE: We've just been sitting up here
eating cheese, haven't we?
280
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,440
BECKY: Yeah, yeah,
we don't wanna get involved
in stuff like that.
281
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,200
STEVE: Please, stop throwing
stuff at us!
282
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,600
Leave us alone!
283
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,280
Hello.
284
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,120
Here he is.
The world's most pointless person.
285
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:06,920
Steve just asked me to fix his drawer.
286
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,000
I've got one of my stomach aches,
thanks to you
and your noisy little cronies.
287
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:12,440
Oh, sorry.
288
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,960
-You don't think it might be...
-What
289
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,560
Nothing. No, sorry.
290
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,520
-You sure it's not the...
-What?
291
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,080
-Nothing. Sorry.
-Good.
292
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,080
I just mean...I'm wondering
if the corned beef might...
293
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:29,200
-Daniel.
-Yep. Sorry.
294
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:34,600
I'm just thinking about your stomach.
Um, if it's, you know...
295
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:35,960
If eating all that...
296
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,840
What d'you think
caused your stomach ache?
297
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:41,320
You did.
298
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,680
-You don't think it's
all the corned...
-No!
299
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,000
-Sorry.
-Now get upstairs and find
the Gaviscon. God.
300
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,000
-SOBBING
-DAN: Oh God! Shelly!
301
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:52,800
LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING
CONTINUES OUTSIDE
302
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,400
Oh, I can't stop thinking
about chicken.
303
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,600
Oh, it's definitely here somewhere.
304
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,800
It's got this song on it, I, um...
305
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,880
Ah, here it is!
306
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,360
It's got this song on it.
307
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,880
I listened to it the first time
we met.
308
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,320
Did you?
309
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:28,400
# When I saw you
standing there so pretty
310
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:30,440
# I cleaned my... #
311
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,080
PAUL: They threw a bin at me!
312
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,560
SWITCHES MUSIC OFF
313
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,440
You okay?
314
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,120
They descended on me. Did you see it?
315
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,760
They all came on me at once.
316
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,040
Oo-er.
317
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,400
I don't know what's going on, Steve.
318
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:43,920
Come into the bathroom, Paul!
319
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,720
That's it. How dizzy are you?
Are you very dizzy.
320
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:48,800
PAUL: I'm not dizzy!
321
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,440
You must be a bit dizzy,
they threw a bin at you.
322
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:51,600
I'm not dizzy, Laura!
323
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,120
Sit down, I don't want you
falling over
324
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,320
I can't sit down.
325
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,160
SHELLY: He can't sit down, Becky!
BECKY: Oh, no
326
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,880
LAURA: Paul, sit down,
keep calm and keep breathing.
327
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,040
You have to keep breathing
otherwise you'll die.
328
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:06,000
SHELLY: That's it Paul, in and out.
329
00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:07,200
STEVE: You're gonna be all right.
330
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,200
Just went on me own Steve,
saying stuff to 'em
331
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:11,600
and it was all under control,
it was all fine.
332
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,920
-LAURA: Look up, Paul.
-PAUL: I was running it, Steve,
I was calling 'em stuff,
333
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,080
-it was good.
-LAURA: Okay, now look down.
334
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,120
PAUL: And suddenly, out of nowhere,
he had all these mates
335
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,360
and they all came on me at once
and they all started running
336
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,040
and one of them picked up a bin
and threw it at me.
337
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:29,200
PAUL: Ow!
338
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,160
-SHELLY: They hit him
on the face, Becky.
-PAUL: Argh!
339
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:34,320
LAURA: I'm gonna do a little
eyesight test on you now, okay?
340
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,600
Paul, how many fingers
am I holding up?
341
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,160
Paul...how many fingers
am I holding up
342
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,360
Stop shouting at me!
343
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,680
Calm down, mate. Come on.
344
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,720
Keep calm or you'll rupture something.
345
00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:50,160
-Do something, someone!
-It was three.
346
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,000
LAURA: Step back, everyone.
I'm going to dress the wound.
347
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:53,760
-DARREN'S DAD: Where is
the little faggot?
-Paul. Paul!
348
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,640
-DOG GROWLS
-DARREN: You're being
an embarrassment!
349
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,880
Get outside, you little cocksucker!
350
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,320
No I'm coming!
Well, hurry up, then!
351
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,480
-DOG BARKS
-All right, boy.
352
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,480
Not yet. Not yet.
353
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,520
What am I gonna do, Steve?
Look at me.
354
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,360
Just... Just calm down
and we'll get you a plaster.
355
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,320
For heaven's sakes, Steve! We need
to sterilize the wound first.
356
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:16,480
-Have you got any TCP?
-Fucking TCP? Look at me!
357
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:17,560
SHE SCREAMS
358
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:18,960
You're a useless
piece of shit sometimes.
359
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,800
SHELLY WAILS
360
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,000
Will you shut up, Shelly?
361
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,840
I'm going to
burst a blood vessel in a minute.
362
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:25,240
Paul! What the fuck are you doing?
363
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,560
Yeah, I'm coming!
364
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,880
Grow a fucking dick, mate. Jesus!
365
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,600
SHELLY WHIMPERS
366
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,440
Don't listen to 'em.
367
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:35,880
Where were you when I needed you,
Steve? You're my best man
368
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,440
PANTING All these blokes
just came on me at once.
369
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:41,800
Oo-er.
HE CHUCKLES
370
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:45,200
We'll look after you.
Just stay up here, yeah?
371
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,280
Come on, Paul. It's not that bad.
372
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,120
I need some disinfectant, Steve.
Or bleach.
373
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,680
I need to clean the wound
before it goes green.
374
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:55,240
I want to go to bed, Steve.
It's my birthday. I wanna go to bed.
375
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:57,800
-HE SCREAMS
-Does that hurt?
376
00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:58,880
-Yes!
-Good.
377
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,960
You've got to be cruel to be kind.
Becks, I need a swab
378
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,720
HE SCREAMS
How can they do this to me?
379
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,880
I don't know, mate. How can they do
this to me on my birthday
380
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,480
Well, if you will go out with
someone like me,
381
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,320
you've got to accept
the consequences, Paul.
382
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,480
It's like when they killed JFK
cos he had a fit wife.
383
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:13,840
Laura! Fuck off!
384
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,040
-Paul!
-Paul, stop it!
385
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:19,520
I'm just trying to heal you, Paul.
386
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,240
There's nothing left of me to give!
387
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,600
-SHOUTING OUTSIDE
-SHELLY WHIMPERS
388
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,680
Shall we look for some dressing?
389
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:33,920
Yeah.
390
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:37,880
LAURA: Sit down, Paul.
I don't want you getting dizzy.
391
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,840
PAUL: Thanks, Laura.
392
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:45,600
Now, I'm gonna put some water
on this tissue
and dab it on your face, okay?
393
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:46,800
Okay.
394
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,720
What are you doing?
You're such a pillock!
395
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:54,760
LAUGHS: You said,
"Let's look for some dressing,"
as in wound dressing, and I...
396
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,080
Yes. I know. I got the joke.
397
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,440
How have we even got this?
398
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,640
Hmm...
399
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:10,720
LAURA: It's your birthday.
Dan, look in that cupboard,
see if they've got any bleach.
400
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,120
DAN: Yep.
401
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,000
PAUL: You can't put
bleach on my face, Laura!
402
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,040
We've got to clean the wound, Paul
403
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,240
Have we got any wound dressing?
404
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,440
LAURA: Honestly, it's revolting.
405
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,160
Yeah. It's in the first-aid kit.
406
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,480
HE LAUGHS
407
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:26,440
PAUL SCREAMS: Ow!
That's boiling hot!
408
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,920
-LAURA: No, it's not.
-PAUL: Jesus!
409
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,320
-PAUL: Boiling hot.
-LAURA: Come on, Paul.
410
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:36,840
One minute.
411
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,000
Ooh, I forgot about that!
412
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,200
So did I!
413
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,520
Can we eat it with our fingers?
414
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,480
Yeah, course!
415
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,240
Oh, my knickers are getting wet
just thinking about it.
416
00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:05,480
Becky! Don't say things like that!
417
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:07,960
Mmm! I'm gonna eat its arsehole.
418
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,640
-Rebecca!
-Oh, soup.
419
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:14,440
DARREN'S DAD: You're sat up here
with your dick in your hand!
420
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:16,280
MUFFLED RAISED VOICES
421
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:20,720
Thanks.
422
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:24,320
DARREN: Fuck's sake, Paul!
423
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,560
SHOUTING CONTINUES
424
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,440
PAUL: It's not fair. It's not fair!
425
00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,000
It's my lucky day!
426
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,080
So are we watching Home Alone or...
427
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:41,360
CELLPHONE RINGS
428
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,320
-Is that the same number?
-Yeah.
429
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,560
CELLPHONE CONTINUES TO RING
430
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,080
Alright.
431
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:55,840
No, he's not here.
432
00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:58,320
He's visiting a horse.
433
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,120
Can I ask who's calling?
434
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:08,840
CLEARS THROAT
435
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,560
You got any bread?
436
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:14,920
Well, who was it?
437
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,840
-I wanna dunk.
-Dan, who was it?
438
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,640
-DAN: That'll do.
-STEVE: Er...Dan?
439
00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,320
STEVE: Dan!
440
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:30,360
Dan, tell us who it was or you can
go back upstairs to Anita.
441
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,040
Um, it was Julie, your ex.
442
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,120
What?
443
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,040
-She doesn't like you, does she?
-Hmm
444
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,400
-At all.
-Hmm.
445
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,200
-She hates you, in fact.
Thinks you're well ugly.
-All right.
446
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:46,320
Oh, God.
Paul's gonna go back down there.
447
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,200
Paul!
448
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:49,520
Oh, Steve, don't be a dick.
449
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:57,200
Paul. Paul, I want you to calm down
and stay up here, okay?
450
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,760
We'll put Home Alone on
and we'll tell 'em we're sorry
451
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,920
and ask then nicely to leave us alone.
452
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,960
Little bastard. It's funny.
453
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:07,880
What the fuck is this?
454
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,320
It's your, it's your birthday card.
455
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:11,480
Well, where's the message
456
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,600
We were trying to think of
something funny to write.
457
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:18,040
What's funny about giving
a human being a birthday card
without a message?
458
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,120
You're worse than my fucking mother!
459
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,520
-Oh, Paul!
-I'm living in a nightmare!
460
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:29,800
STEVE: Oh, no. Come on, Paul.
Paul, that was my granddad's. Paul.
461
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,480
Fucking... it.
462
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,800
Don't get blood on your shoes, Paul!
463
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:41,920
PAUL: Fuck yourself!
464
00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:44,520
Oh, Paul, come back here with that.
465
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:46,520
BECKY: Steve, come on,
I'll get you another one.
466
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,920
STEVE: Paul, that was my granddad's!
467
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,480
I've got a fairy you can have.
468
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,280
SHELLY SOBS
469
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:02,400
CRYING LOUDLY
470
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,680
# All the other guys
471
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:46,680
# I will spend forever
472
00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:51,240
# Thinking how great you look tonight
473
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:57,880
# I can't believe you like me
474
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,280
# But I think you might
475
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,400
# When you spoke to me
476
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,040
# I couldn't stop looking at you
477
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:21,040
# And the way your lips move
when you speak
478
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:27,040
# I just wanted
to take your lips and kiss them
479
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:33,160
# But I didn't
'cause I'm awkward and I'm weak
480
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:39,360
# And I will spend forever
481
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:44,320
# Thinking how great
you looked tonight
482
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,840
# I can't believe you like me... #
483
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,240
BECKY: Sorry, Dan. Sorry, Shelly.
Do you mind?
484
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,320
-Blimey, you all right?
-He got elbowed.
485
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:55,760
SIREN WAILS
486
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,000
You're so stupid! For fuck's sake!
487
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:05,520
Don't get involved.
Jesus, I said don't get involved.
488
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,040
#... Oh, I will spend forever... #
489
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:14,080
Oh, oh, oh, ouch!
It's just a shitty old star!
490
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,480
They're two for a quid
in the pound shop.
491
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:20,080
MUSIC STOPS
492
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:22,960
For fuck's sake!
493
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:28,040
We should've just stayed here
and finished the soup!
494
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:33,760
I said that. I said we should have
just stayed up here!
495
00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:41,520
Why would you go out there? What do
you know about being in a fight?
496
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,200
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
497
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,840
You stupid bloody idiot.
498
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:01,680
SIREN WAILS
499
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:14,800
Are you okay?
500
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,320
Not really.
501
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,120
How's your little nose?
502
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:26,640
Oh, God.
503
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,160
BECKY LAUGHS
504
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,240
You're such a twat.
505
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:51,840
HE LAUGHS
506
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,440
LAUGHS Ow!
507
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,400
-LAUGHTER
-Ow!
508
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:09,160
# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang
Boom-bang-a-bang when you are near
509
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,320
# Boom-bang-a-bang all the time
510
00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:17,240
# It's such a lovely feeling
511
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,880
# When I'm in your arms
512
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,760
# Don't go away
I wanna stay my whole life through
513
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,800
# Boom-bang-a-bang close to you #