Oh, wow. Thank you, Laura. Thanks, Paul.
Yeah, that is lovely.
STEVE: CLEARS THROAT Hmm, yeah.
BECKY: Really nice.
STEVE: Yeah.
Thanks.
-It's just a little something to welcome Becky to her new home. -BECKY: Yeah.
No, that's lovely.
-Steve? -Yeah?
CLEARS THROAT It's really nice.
LAURA: The chair's real leather.
-So where d'you want it? -Oh, um...
Um...
They'll have it up there, Dad. For maximum impact.
Um...
Er, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Let's...let's put it up above the bed.
Perfect.
Perfect?
Shall we check on dinner?
Okay.
Right.
-STEVE: Oh, my God, I don't believe it. -BECKY: Bloody hell.
STEVE: It's, like, the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
HAMMERING
That was the last one!
Oh, was it?
Right. You've got 20 seconds to go to your stash of Mars bars,
wherever it is, and get me one. 20...
-I'm not going to do that. -...19, 18, 17,
16, 15, 14, 13,
-12, 11. -D'you wish you'd started at 10?
...10, 9, 8, 7,
6, 5, 4, 3,
2, 1. Becky!
Shut up and eat your banana.
82p. 82p! Seriously, though.
82p for a banana.
D'you know what? I think you've mentioned it.
I'm going to tell your dad about it.
-Don't tell my dad about it. -I've got nothing else to say to him.
STEVE: Hmm.
STEVE: Mmm.
Did you top up the electricity?
Yeah, of course.
Oh! Great.
I think this is going to be nice tonight.
Your dad's in a good mood. I think we're going to get on today.
Don't do that while you're talking about my dad.
DOORBELL RINGS
LAURA: Oh, look at us, king and queen
-of everything we survey. -STEVE: Ah!
LAURA: You look so handsome, Paul.
JILL: You are. Very photogenic, Paul.
PAUL: Thank you, Jill.
-What d'you think? -Oh, that's nice.
That looks lovely up there.
-Hello. -Hello, love.
-Oh. -Come in! Come in!
BOTH: Mmm.
-Is that it? -Yeah.
It's not even big.
Come on in, babe.
You all right, Mike? Glad you could make it.
Oh, bollocks.
I've left the beers in the car
That's going to stink.
So you don't feel it's a little bit like it's taking over the room a bit?
Yes. That's kind of the point. Honestly, Mum. It's the new millennium.
Take your head out your crack and look around you.
Laura!
-Peanut? -Er, no, I'm all right, thanks.
Oh, where's she got to, eh?
So what d'you think about me doing your mum?
-Pardon? -What d'you think about me doing your mum?
What? Don't say that, Mike. Be nice.
Say you're seeing her.
Well, I'm not, I'm doing her. What d'you think about it?
I think it's absolutely fantastic.
Good. 'Cause your mum's a good-looking woman. Someone's got to fuck her.
SIGHS
JILL: It really is a lovely photograph.
Oh, wow, the picture looks amazing!
Thank you, Steve. It's of me and Paul.
Yeah. My mum's here.
-She brought us these. -Wow...
Lovely.
She's just popped back to the car, so she won't be a minute.
PAUL: Excellent!
It'll be marvelous for us all to get together at last, won't it, Jill?
Yes.
Okay.
So, what's on the menu this evening?
Well, Nigel, it's a simple but delicious dish I used to make for myself before I met Becky.
-That's promising. -EVERYBODY LAUGHING
Dad!
Well, I'm sure you'll like it once you've tried it.
I bet you say that to all the boys, don't you?
PAUL: Yeah.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Sorry, everyone.
Hey, Shell. What?
Shelly, I thought you said you didn't like that.
No, I'm the same.
You can get bored of your vagina, can't you?
Hmm, so how long was it in there for?
-Oh! -God, Shelly!
Oh, my eye hurts. D'you ever get that?
All right? Oh, here they are. Come in, come in.
Everyone, this is, um, Mike.
He's my mum's...partner?
Partner, Mike.
BOTH: Nice to meet you.
Ah-ha, and this is my mum, Janet. LAUGHS
Er, Mum, this big sexy hunk of an oaf is Nigel, Becky's dad.
-Nice to meet you. -It's nice to meet you.
And, er, and this, this hot little thing...
...no, it's not Becky's sister,
LAUGHS she's called Jill and she's Becky's very own yummy mummy.
This is my mum.
Nice to meet you at last.
Nice to meet you, yes.
And I'm Paul.
It's an honor to meet you, Mrs. Marshall.
Yes. Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
And, um, I'm going to be his best man when he marries Becky's sister.
Oh, Janet. Jill and Nigel have raised such a wonderful daughter
and I just feel so lucky to be marrying her.
MIKE CHOMPING
-Okay. -PAUL: Mmm.
MIKE MUNCHING
Ha, what a lot of names.
LAUGHTER
Shelly, fuck's sake, I'm trying to tell you how amazing Paul is!
Thank you. Now, what Paul does is, if he doesn't come home one night,
the next morning, or whenever he turns up,
he brings me a rose. Yeah, a single red rose.
And he...
Oh, my God, Shelly, will you please just shut the fuck up?
Look what Paul and Laura got us.
Oh, yeah. Very nice.
Nigel put it up. Thank you, Nigel.
We don't have a date for the wedding yet but hopefully next year, Paul?
If not sooner.
Isn't it lovely?
-Lovely. -MIKE SLURPING
LAURA: Seriously, I don't test anything on animals.
I don't know, it's just one of my principles, I suppose. Just like I'd never kill anyone.
D'you think you'd ever kill anyone, Shell?
Okay. But what if there was an intruder
and he got Kieran and he started stabbing him?
Okay. What if he was bumming him?
I got you this, Becky. It's a housewarming present.
Oh! Thanks, Janet.
It's just something silly.
That's very nice of you, Janet.
Yeah, thanks, Mum.
-It's a football. -LAUGHTER
No, no. It's a pizza. CHUCKLES
Oh. Wow!
Look, look, it's the same as Steve's!
Becky was just saying the other day, wasn't she, how much she wanted one of those.
-Was she? -Dad.
Go on, then, put it on.
Oh, yeah, put it on, Becky.
You'll look lovely in that.
-STEVE: Hey! -JANET: Oh.
LAURA: Well, you know the problem with you, Shell.
You use too much carbon.
You do.
BUBBLING
You know you do.
You've got a massive carbon footprint, Shell.
Yes, you have.
You have, Shell. It's no wonder we haven't got an ozone layer with you traipsing about.
Well...well, the truth is, Shell,
you go through carbon like it's going out of fashion. You're a maniac.
It's embarrassing.
Everyone's noticed it.
They talk about it behind your back.
-And is Steve your only child, Janet? -Yeah.
She did so well with me, she didn't need another.
I think it was probably the other way round, Steve.
She thought, "Bloody hell. What's that? Don't want another one of them."
Nigel's got a very dry sense of humor.
I don't know what she's talking about.
He was a nightmare as a kid, wasn't he, Janet?
No!
I was. I was hell as a baby. Poor Mum,
I never slept, I cried every night.
No change there, then.
Oh, Nigel.
And it was a difficult birth. I came out legs first.
-Did he? -Yeah. Didn't I?
You poor thing.
Oh, it was awful, Jill.
He ripped me to shreds.
They had to patch me up with bits of me thigh.
You can still see the damage he did to it.
It's never been the same since.
-I need to check on dinner. CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY -Yes.
Shall we sit down?
Yeah.
Anyone want a Guinness? I bought 12.
LAURA: All right, Shelly.
Oh, my God!
She is absolutely amazing.
I made Shelly cry.
Oops. SNIGGERS
"Patch me up"?
-So are you going to... -Leave it on.
Really?
Just till she's gone.
Oh.
Shut up.
So are you going to cut your spaghetti up?
What does that mean?
I'm just worried about you eating spaghetti in front of my dad.
You get it all over your chin and your cheeks. You look brain-damaged.
-Shut up! -Fuck off.
What about you when you eat a chicken - you're like a wolf.
There's no other way to eat a chicken.
You don't have to eat the bones.
I'm going to check your cock-sucking Mum isn't talking to my Dad about her messy gash.
Sorry.
JILL: So, how long have you two been together?
MIKE: That's actually a bit of a funny story, actually.
LAURA: It's quite a new thing, isn't it?
-MIKE: Yes. -Yeah.
JILL: Oh...lovely... how nice.
We've been married 25 years this year, haven't we?
You get less for murder.
LAUGHTER
Imagine that, Paul. Imagine being married to me for 25 years.
He'll end up killing me.
No, I won't.
And how did you meet?
Well, they've known each other for a long time, haven't you?
'Cause Steve's very old school friends with Mike's son, Barney.
Barney's got a degree in Economics.
It's an A-level.
So you came together through friendship?
-Yes. -Exactly.
-Well. Sort of. -Mike.
I've always fancied her.
Then Friday night, I'm in Chicken Cottage,
completely out of the blue, she walks in.
We got chatting, did a bit of kissing,
then we went back to mine and did it.
None of this fussing about with flowers and shit.
It was more romantic than it sounds.
Nigel...did you hear about my banana?
No, I think I missed that news bulletin, Steve.
That's very good, very good. FAKE LAUGHTER
Oh, so what it was, was...
He bought this very average banana.
Yeah. Me and Becky went over to Azeem's to do the Lottery
and out of the blue, I fancied a banana.
-Just a normal banana. -Yeah.
Thanks. So I went and chose one, took it to the till.
MIKE: Should've got it at the supermarket!
Okay, thanks, Mike.
STEVE: Um...
WATER TRICKLING
Where was I?
You chose a banana.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I chose a banana.
-They weighed it. -They weighed it
and I got them to re-weigh it, and, um...
TRICKLING CONTINUES
...they still charged me, get this,
82p.
-For a banana! -For a banana. I'll show you.
BECKY: This is what it's like living with him.
He hasn't shut up about his bloody banana.
JANET: I've seen it, seriously, it's not even big.
LAURA: Those corner shops are always expensive, aren't they, Mum?
NIGEL: Laura...
I can't find it. But, er, seriously, it's just the size of a basic banana.
82p!
Those corner shops are always expensive, Steve.
That's why me and Mum are going to join the BNP.
-Are you? -LAUGHTER
It's not...
They just put a leaflet through the door.
They've got policies about it.
-SIGHS -They're proper politicians. They've got a leader and everything.
-Laura! -Winston Churchill was a member.
Okay, Laura.
They just say what we all think.
I'm not thinking that.
STEVE: No.
Good. LAUGHS
I don't think any of us are thinking that.
I don't think Laura's actually saying she'd actually join the BNP.
Yes, I am, Steve. 82p's a lot of money for a banana.
Nigel, hungry?
Yes, Steve. Very.
Excellent.
Pink wafer? Another beer?
Um, no, thanks, I'm fine. I'm driving.
Goody-two-shoes, isn't he, Jill?
Have another beer, you silly old sod.
I'm driving my family home, Steve. I'm not going to do that drunk.
Okay.
TOILET FLUSHES
JILL: I'm not joining the BNP.
I really was just passing my eyes over their leaflet.
Okay, Jill.
What you want to do is go down an Asda's or a Tesco's,
buy, like, ten bananas there, they'll be 20p each or some shit.
Then you get yourself down a greengrocer's,
tell 'em you bought these ten bananas off 'em
and there's something wrong with 'em.
I put holes in mine with me penknife.
You know, use your imagination, make something up.
So, you demand your money back, threaten them a bit,
push over some of their stock, eventually, they'll give you a refund,
which by their prices is normally more like...
30p for each banana.
I don't know about this 82p bollocks.
So they give you a refund, you walk out, you basically done nothing for an hour
and you've made yourself a quid.
Pure profit. That's what you want to do.
DOORBELL RINGS
Thanks, Mike. I'll remember that next time I need a pound.
JILL: Yes, it's a very interesting idea, Mike.
Thank you. We'll look into that, won't we?
MIKE: It works for apples too.
JILL: Does it?
D'you think this might be the worst idea you've ever had?
Yes. Go in there and make conversation.
Yeah. Like I know how to do that.
Um, not long till dinner.
-Oh, hello, Dan. -What d'you think?
Oh, it's nice.
Did you want something? I'm cooking.
Are you? LAUGHS
Dan.
I'm going for a Big Mac with Anita. Thought I'd make the effort.
I thought she...
It...You know, I thought you'd split up.
Why?
She had sex with her uncle?
Yeah - bloody women.
It's a nice photo, isn't it?
ALL: Yes, very nice.
-Anything else? -Nope.
Better be off. I'm already an hour late.
-Oh! -Bye, Steve.
Bye.
DOORBELL RINGS
I forgot to give you this.
MUSIC PLAYS
What's this?
Dan!
Dinner's nearly ready.
Great.
I hope you're all hungry.
ALL: Mmm!
What sort of food do you like, Janet?
Oh, um, all sorts.
Yeah. Everything, really.
We like a nice Chinese, don't we?
Yeah. Flied lice.
LAUGHTER
Yes. Chinese is very nice.
Paul. Love you long time.
Paul, Paul. Love you long time.
How long, Steve?
-Just adding the secret ingredient! -Okay.
LAURA: Or there's the other one, isn't there, the Indian one?
IN INDIAN ACCENT "My name is Rupinda." LAUGHS
Paul, Paul, look at me. Would you like some naan bread?
Or vegetables.
Okay, Laura, that's enough, yeah?
Well, if you're going to live here, lose the accent. Isn't it, Mum?
Okay, Laura.
Do you really think that?
No, she doesn't, do you?
Oh, lighten up, everyone. I'm just being funny, aren't I, Paul?
Yeah. It's hilarious.
Do you have any idea what he actually thinks of you?
Becky, get the food.
Steve!
Just adding the magic twist.
Laura and Paul are very happy together.
They have their ups and downs, but they're very much in love.
Thank you.
So who was that I saw him with on Sunday, then?
Okay, Mike, let's leave that there.
Da-dah! Dinner is served.
JANET: Ooh, good!
He's just being silly.
STEVE: I hope you're all hungry.
Yeah.
Oh, it looks lovely, Steve. Don't it, Mike?
It's food.
-What is it? -Um, well...
...it's spaghetti nuggets. I invented it myself.
It's, er, spaghetti, mushrooms, chicken nuggets and a dollop of Ragu.
And there's more of everything if you want it.
Help yourself to ketchup. Becks.
What is it?
Oh, my God!
You had your piano lesson on Sunday, didn't you?
Yeah, of course I did.
Of course he did.
STEVE: Here we are.
Nigel, get that down ya.
Mmm!
Laura, bon appetit. And last, but by no means least, Paul.
Okay, now, um, er...
Thanks. Okay, well, before we all get stuck in, I know we're all hungry.
It looks amazing, Steve.
Okay, but I'd just like to propose a toast.
-Really? -Yes.
-Okay. -Um, okay, well, this is a toast, um, to everyone, really.
Er, so, to Nigel and Jill for letting me have Becky here with me.
Oh, well...
There's always a bed at ours if she needs it.
Okay. And, er, for all the help you've given us with the move.
I don't know what we'd have done without ya.
Nothing, you'd have done nothing 'cause you were bloody useless.
I'm sure he wasn't that bad.
He really didn't have a clue.
They still haven't unpacked!
Yeah, okay, and also to my lovely mum,
er, and...and Mike, mustn't forget Mike, for everything you've done for me throughout my life.
No worries, mate. It's a pleasure.
And to Laura and Paul, who were great.
Er, good. And finally, of course, thank you to Becky for moving in with me,
um, though don't ask me why she has.
LAUGHS
She has been great, though. I think she even did the washing-up...once!
LAUGHS
Um... um...but she did top up the, er, the, um, little, um,
er, electricity stick thing all on her own today.
Well done, Becky.
So...
To everyone.
-To everyone. -To everyone.
To everyone.
Okay. Dig in.
LAURA: Don't you dare come out and speak to me. You lied to me
-about piano lessons. -Laura...
Everything all right, Nigel? Not eating your dinner?
-It's not really dinner, is it? -Dad!
It's spaghetti nuggets.
I think it's lovely. It's very original.
It's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
-Nigel! -Dad!
Got anything better I can have, Steve?
A plate of worms, maybe. Some scabs.
Oh, eat your dinner, you fucking twat.
Mike!
# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang, boom-bang-a-bang
# When you are near
# Boom-bang-a-bang-bang all the time
# It's such a lovely feeling
# When I'm in your arms
# Don't go away I want to stay my whole life through
# Boom-bang-a-bang-bang close to you #