1
00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:08,400
Oh, wow. Thank you, Laura.
Thanks, Paul.
2
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,760
Yeah, that is lovely.
3
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,080
STEVE: CLEARS THROAT Hmm, yeah.
4
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:15,240
BECKY: Really nice.
5
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,520
STEVE: Yeah.
6
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:18,960
Thanks.
7
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,040
-It's just a little something
to welcome Becky to her new home.
-BECKY: Yeah.
8
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:25,000
No, that's lovely.
9
00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:27,880
-Steve?
-Yeah?
10
00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,600
CLEARS THROAT It's really nice.
11
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,280
LAURA: The chair's real leather.
12
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,400
-So where d'you want it?
-Oh, um...
13
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:42,880
Um...
14
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,960
They'll have it up there, Dad.
For maximum impact.
15
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:48,680
Um...
16
00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:53,000
Er, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
17
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,680
Let's...let's put it up
above the bed.
18
00:00:57,920 --> 00:00:59,200
Perfect.
19
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:00,800
Perfect?
20
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:02,680
Shall we check on dinner?
21
00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,400
Okay.
22
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:06,400
Right.
23
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,680
-STEVE: Oh, my God,
I don't believe it.
-BECKY: Bloody hell.
24
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,680
STEVE: It's, like, the ugliest thing
I've ever seen.
25
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,440
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
26
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,840
HAMMERING
27
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:44,600
That was the last one!
28
00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:46,920
Oh, was it?
29
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,480
Right. You've got 20 seconds
to go to your stash of Mars bars,
30
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,040
wherever it is,
and get me one. 20...
31
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,880
-I'm not going to do that.
-...19, 18, 17,
32
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,120
16, 15, 14, 13,
33
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,760
-12, 11.
-D'you wish you'd started at 10?
34
00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,000
...10, 9, 8, 7,
35
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:07,360
6, 5, 4, 3,
36
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,960
2, 1. Becky!
37
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,240
Shut up and eat your banana.
38
00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:20,720
82p. 82p! Seriously, though.
39
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,080
82p for a banana.
40
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:24,800
D'you know what?
I think you've mentioned it.
41
00:02:24,920 --> 00:02:26,080
I'm going to tell your dad about it.
42
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,040
-Don't tell my dad about it.
-I've got nothing else to say to him.
43
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,840
STEVE: Hmm.
44
00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,400
STEVE: Mmm.
45
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,320
Did you top up the electricity?
46
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,840
Yeah, of course.
47
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,800
Oh! Great.
48
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,560
I think this is going
to be nice tonight.
49
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:00,880
Your dad's in a good mood.
I think we're going to get on today.
50
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,160
Don't do that
while you're talking about my dad.
51
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,840
DOORBELL RINGS
52
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:12,680
LAURA: Oh, look at us, king and queen
53
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,360
-of everything we survey.
-STEVE: Ah!
54
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,200
LAURA: You look so handsome, Paul.
55
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,520
JILL: You are. Very photogenic, Paul.
56
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,600
PAUL: Thank you, Jill.
57
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,920
-What d'you think?
-Oh, that's nice.
58
00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,280
That looks lovely up there.
59
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,080
-Hello.
-Hello, love.
60
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,840
-Oh.
-Come in! Come in!
61
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:36,440
BOTH: Mmm.
62
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,240
-Is that it?
-Yeah.
63
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,800
It's not even big.
64
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,280
Come on in, babe.
65
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,040
You all right, Mike?
Glad you could make it.
66
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:51,760
Oh, bollocks.
67
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,160
I've left the beers in the car
68
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,280
That's going to stink.
69
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:06,080
So you don't feel it's a little bit
like it's taking over the room a bit?
70
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:11,240
Yes. That's kind of the point.
Honestly, Mum.
It's the new millennium.
71
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,840
Take your head out your crack
and look around you.
72
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,480
Laura!
73
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:19,680
-Peanut?
-Er, no, I'm all right, thanks.
74
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,640
Oh, where's she got to, eh?
75
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,560
So what d'you think about me
doing your mum?
76
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,440
-Pardon?
-What d'you think about me
doing your mum?
77
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,600
What? Don't say that, Mike. Be nice.
78
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,080
Say you're seeing her.
79
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,320
Well, I'm not, I'm doing her.
What d'you think about it?
80
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:50,840
I think it's absolutely fantastic.
81
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,800
Good. 'Cause your mum's
a good-looking woman.
Someone's got to fuck her.
82
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,240
SIGHS
83
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,840
JILL: It really is
a lovely photograph.
84
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:06,000
Oh, wow, the picture looks amazing!
85
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,480
Thank you, Steve.
It's of me and Paul.
86
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,600
Yeah. My mum's here.
87
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,360
-She brought us these.
-Wow...
88
00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:18,640
Lovely.
89
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,720
She's just popped back to the car,
so she won't be a minute.
90
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,040
PAUL: Excellent!
91
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,960
It'll be marvelous for us all to
get together at last, won't it, Jill?
92
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,320
Yes.
93
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,120
Okay.
94
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,080
So, what's on the menu this evening?
95
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:41,440
Well, Nigel, it's a simple
but delicious dish I used to
make for myself before I met Becky.
96
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,360
-That's promising.
-EVERYBODY LAUGHING
97
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,120
Dad!
98
00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,880
Well, I'm sure you'll like it
once you've tried it.
99
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,920
I bet you say that to all the boys,
don't you?
100
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:52,360
PAUL: Yeah.
101
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,720
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
102
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,600
Sorry, everyone.
103
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,760
Hey, Shell. What?
104
00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,000
Shelly, I thought you said
you didn't like that.
105
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,520
No, I'm the same.
106
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:09,760
You can get bored of your vagina,
can't you?
107
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,360
Hmm, so how long was it in there for?
108
00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,000
-Oh!
-God, Shelly!
109
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,760
Oh, my eye hurts.
D'you ever get that?
110
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:20,880
All right? Oh, here they are.
Come in, come in.
111
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,480
Everyone, this is, um, Mike.
112
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,960
He's my mum's...partner?
113
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:29,120
Partner, Mike.
114
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,400
BOTH: Nice to meet you.
115
00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:36,800
Ah-ha, and this is my mum, Janet.
LAUGHS
116
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:41,200
Er, Mum, this big sexy hunk
of an oaf is Nigel, Becky's dad.
117
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:44,360
-Nice to meet you.
-It's nice to meet you.
118
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,200
And, er, and this,
this hot little thing...
119
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,800
...no, it's not Becky's sister,
120
00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,320
LAUGHS she's called Jill and she's
Becky's very own yummy mummy.
121
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,200
This is my mum.
122
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,000
Nice to meet you at last.
123
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,400
Nice to meet you, yes.
124
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,920
And I'm Paul.
125
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,840
It's an honor to meet you,
Mrs. Marshall.
126
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,400
Yes. Nice to meet you.
127
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,000
Yeah.
128
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,760
And, um, I'm going to be his best man
when he marries Becky's sister.
129
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:23,040
Oh, Janet. Jill and Nigel have raised
such a wonderful daughter
130
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:26,640
and I just feel so lucky
to be marrying her.
131
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:28,560
MIKE CHOMPING
132
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,080
-Okay.
-PAUL: Mmm.
133
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,600
MIKE MUNCHING
134
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,400
Ha, what a lot of names.
135
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,120
LAUGHTER
136
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:41,520
Shelly, fuck's sake, I'm trying
to tell you how amazing Paul is!
137
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:51,000
Thank you. Now, what Paul does is,
if he doesn't come home one night,
138
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,600
the next morning,
or whenever he turns up,
139
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:57,680
he brings me a rose.
Yeah, a single red rose.
140
00:07:58,440 --> 00:07:59,760
And he...
141
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:04,760
Oh, my God, Shelly, will you please
just shut the fuck up?
142
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:06,720
Look what Paul and Laura got us.
143
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,760
Oh, yeah. Very nice.
144
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,920
Nigel put it up.
Thank you, Nigel.
145
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:18,520
We don't have a date for the wedding
yet but hopefully next year, Paul?
146
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,840
If not sooner.
147
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,000
Isn't it lovely?
148
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:27,880
-Lovely.
-MIKE SLURPING
149
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,160
LAURA: Seriously, I don't test
anything on animals.
150
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:37,720
I don't know, it's just
one of my principles, I suppose.
Just like I'd never kill anyone.
151
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,080
D'you think
you'd ever kill anyone, Shell?
152
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,600
Okay. But what if there was
an intruder
153
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,360
and he got Kieran
and he started stabbing him?
154
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,000
Okay. What if he was bumming him?
155
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:02,160
I got you this, Becky.
It's a housewarming present.
156
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:06,520
Oh! Thanks, Janet.
157
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,200
It's just something silly.
158
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,680
That's very nice of you, Janet.
159
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,200
Yeah, thanks, Mum.
160
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,480
-It's a football.
-LAUGHTER
161
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:19,280
No, no. It's a pizza.
CHUCKLES
162
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,440
Oh. Wow!
163
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,480
Look, look, it's the same
as Steve's!
164
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,960
Becky was just saying the other day,
wasn't she,
how much she wanted one of those.
165
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:32,800
-Was she?
-Dad.
166
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,720
Go on, then, put it on.
167
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:37,280
Oh, yeah, put it on, Becky.
168
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,280
You'll look lovely in that.
169
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,040
-STEVE: Hey!
-JANET: Oh.
170
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,800
LAURA: Well, you know the problem
with you, Shell.
171
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,040
You use too much carbon.
172
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,440
You do.
173
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,040
BUBBLING
174
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,600
You know you do.
175
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,880
You've got a massive carbon
footprint, Shell.
176
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,560
Yes, you have.
177
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:17,920
You have, Shell. It's no wonder
we haven't got an ozone layer
with you traipsing about.
178
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,920
Well...well, the truth is, Shell,
179
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,720
you go through carbon
like it's going out of fashion.
You're a maniac.
180
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:35,720
It's embarrassing.
181
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,320
Everyone's noticed it.
182
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,480
They talk about it behind your back.
183
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,600
-And is Steve your only child, Janet?
-Yeah.
184
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,920
She did so well with me,
she didn't need another.
185
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,520
I think it was probably
the other way round, Steve.
186
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:52,080
She thought, "Bloody hell.
What's that? Don't want another
one of them."
187
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,480
Nigel's got a very dry
sense of humor.
188
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,000
I don't know
what she's talking about.
189
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,400
He was a nightmare as a kid,
wasn't he, Janet?
190
00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:06,600
No!
191
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:09,760
I was. I was hell as a baby.
Poor Mum,
192
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,880
I never slept, I cried every night.
193
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,640
No change there, then.
194
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,080
Oh, Nigel.
195
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,400
And it was a difficult birth.
I came out legs first.
196
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:25,880
-Did he?
-Yeah. Didn't I?
197
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,040
You poor thing.
198
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,360
Oh, it was awful, Jill.
199
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,160
He ripped me to shreds.
200
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,520
They had to patch me up
with bits of me thigh.
201
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,320
You can still see the damage
he did to it.
202
00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:39,640
It's never been the same since.
203
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,440
-I need to check on dinner.
CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
-Yes.
204
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,720
Shall we sit down?
205
00:11:58,120 --> 00:11:59,440
Yeah.
206
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,040
Anyone want a Guinness?
I bought 12.
207
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:07,880
LAURA: All right, Shelly.
208
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:11,520
Oh, my God!
209
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,800
She is absolutely amazing.
210
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,400
I made Shelly cry.
211
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,200
Oops.
SNIGGERS
212
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,280
"Patch me up"?
213
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,600
-So are you going to...
-Leave it on.
214
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,000
Really?
215
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,440
Just till she's gone.
216
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:35,280
Oh.
217
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,200
Shut up.
218
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,160
So are you going to cut your
spaghetti up?
219
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,960
What does that mean?
220
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,720
I'm just worried about you eating
spaghetti in front of my dad.
221
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,840
You get it all over your chin
and your cheeks.
You look brain-damaged.
222
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,160
-Shut up!
-Fuck off.
223
00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,360
What about you when you eat a
chicken - you're like a wolf.
224
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:01,720
There's no other way
to eat a chicken.
225
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,160
You don't have to eat the bones.
226
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:10,760
I'm going to check your cock-sucking
Mum isn't talking to my Dad
about her messy gash.
227
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,560
Sorry.
228
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,960
JILL: So, how long have you two
been together?
229
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:24,400
MIKE: That's actually a bit of
a funny story, actually.
230
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,200
LAURA: It's quite a new thing,
isn't it?
231
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,880
-MIKE: Yes.
-Yeah.
232
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:32,160
JILL: Oh...lovely... how nice.
233
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,080
We've been married 25 years
this year, haven't we?
234
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:38,800
You get less for murder.
235
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,320
LAUGHTER
236
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,720
Imagine that, Paul. Imagine
being married to me for 25 years.
237
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,360
He'll end up killing me.
238
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,520
No, I won't.
239
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,680
And how did you meet?
240
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:56,480
Well, they've known each other
for a long time, haven't you?
241
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,360
'Cause Steve's very old school friends
with Mike's son, Barney.
242
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,880
Barney's got a degree in Economics.
243
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,280
It's an A-level.
244
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,800
So you came together
through friendship?
245
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,080
-Yes.
-Exactly.
246
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,120
-Well. Sort of.
-Mike.
247
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:12,840
I've always fancied her.
248
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,400
Then Friday night,
I'm in Chicken Cottage,
249
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,520
completely out of the blue,
she walks in.
250
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,560
We got chatting,
did a bit of kissing,
251
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,160
then we went back to mine
and did it.
252
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,000
None of this fussing about
with flowers and shit.
253
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,520
It was more romantic than it sounds.
254
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:39,840
Nigel...did you hear about
my banana?
255
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:43,680
No, I think I missed
that news bulletin, Steve.
256
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,320
That's very good, very good.
FAKE LAUGHTER
257
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,040
Oh, so what it was, was...
258
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,600
He bought this
very average banana.
259
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,320
Yeah. Me and Becky went over
to Azeem's to do the Lottery
260
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,800
and out of the blue,
I fancied a banana.
261
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,560
-Just a normal banana.
-Yeah.
262
00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,480
Thanks. So I went and chose one,
took it to the till.
263
00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,240
MIKE: Should've got it
at the supermarket!
264
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:07,520
Okay, thanks, Mike.
265
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:08,720
STEVE: Um...
266
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:11,240
WATER TRICKLING
267
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,720
Where was I?
268
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,680
You chose a banana.
269
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,680
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, so I chose a banana.
270
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,760
-They weighed it.
-They weighed it
271
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,200
and I got them to re-weigh it,
and, um...
272
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,560
TRICKLING CONTINUES
273
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:31,240
...they still charged me,
get this,
274
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,520
82p.
275
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,240
-For a banana!
-For a banana. I'll show you.
276
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,800
BECKY: This is what it's like
living with him.
277
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,320
He hasn't shut up about
his bloody banana.
278
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:48,240
JANET: I've seen it, seriously,
it's not even big.
279
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,400
LAURA: Those corner shops are always
expensive, aren't they, Mum?
280
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:53,880
NIGEL: Laura...
281
00:15:56,200 --> 00:16:00,280
I can't find it. But, er, seriously,
it's just the size of a basic banana.
282
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,680
82p!
283
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:03,920
82p!
284
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,480
Those corner shops
are always expensive, Steve.
285
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,760
That's why me and Mum
are going to join the BNP.
286
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,320
-Are you?
-LAUGHTER
287
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:18,880
It's not...
288
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:20,960
They just put a leaflet
through the door.
289
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:22,480
They've got policies about it.
290
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,960
-SIGHS
-They're proper politicians.
They've got a leader and everything.
291
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,040
-Laura!
-Winston Churchill was a member.
292
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,120
Okay, Laura.
293
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,920
They just say what we all think.
294
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:32,480
I'm not thinking that.
295
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:33,880
STEVE: No.
296
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,000
Good.
LAUGHS
297
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,720
I don't think
any of us are thinking that.
298
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:43,280
I don't think Laura's actually
saying she'd actually join the BNP.
299
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,680
Yes, I am, Steve.
82p's a lot of money for a banana.
300
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,160
Nigel, hungry?
301
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:54,160
Yes, Steve. Very.
302
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,680
Excellent.
303
00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:57,960
Pink wafer? Another beer?
304
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,720
Um, no, thanks, I'm fine. I'm driving.
305
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,800
Goody-two-shoes, isn't he, Jill?
306
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:06,000
Have another beer,
you silly old sod.
307
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:11,040
I'm driving my family home, Steve.
I'm not going to do that drunk.
308
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,840
Okay.
309
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,400
TOILET FLUSHES
310
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:33,520
JILL: I'm not joining the BNP.
311
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,960
I really was just passing my eyes
over their leaflet.
312
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,320
Okay, Jill.
313
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:48,080
What you want to do is go down
an Asda's or a Tesco's,
314
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,120
buy, like, ten bananas there,
they'll be 20p each or some shit.
315
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,200
Then you get yourself down
a greengrocer's,
316
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,520
tell 'em you bought these
ten bananas off 'em
317
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,000
and there's something wrong with 'em.
318
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,080
I put holes in mine with me penknife.
319
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,440
You know, use your imagination,
make something up.
320
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:08,840
So, you demand your money back,
threaten them a bit,
321
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,960
push over some of their stock,
eventually, they'll give you a refund,
322
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,120
which by their prices
is normally more like...
323
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,200
30p for each banana.
324
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,280
I don't know about this 82p bollocks.
325
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,480
So they give you a refund,
you walk out, you basically
done nothing for an hour
326
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,880
and you've made yourself a quid.
327
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:29,480
Pure profit.
That's what you want to do.
328
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,160
DOORBELL RINGS
329
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:37,640
Thanks, Mike. I'll remember that
next time I need a pound.
330
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,520
JILL: Yes, it's a very
interesting idea, Mike.
331
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:45,080
Thank you.
We'll look into that, won't we?
332
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,720
MIKE: It works for apples too.
333
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,400
JILL: Does it?
334
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,360
D'you think this might be
the worst idea you've ever had?
335
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:56,040
Yes. Go in there
and make conversation.
336
00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,040
Yeah. Like I know how to do that.
337
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,880
Um, not long till dinner.
338
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,840
-Oh, hello, Dan.
-What d'you think?
339
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:09,920
Oh, it's nice.
340
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,120
Did you want something?
I'm cooking.
341
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,520
Are you?
LAUGHS
342
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,200
Dan.
343
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,320
I'm going for a Big Mac with Anita.
Thought I'd make the effort.
344
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,760
I thought she...
345
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,720
It...You know,
I thought you'd split up.
346
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,280
Why?
347
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,760
She had sex with her uncle?
348
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,720
Yeah - bloody women.
349
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,240
It's a nice photo, isn't it?
350
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,080
ALL: Yes, very nice.
351
00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,880
-Anything else?
-Nope.
352
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,040
Better be off.
I'm already an hour late.
353
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,680
-Oh!
-Bye, Steve.
354
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:07,960
Bye.
355
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:14,320
DOORBELL RINGS
356
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,520
I forgot to give you this.
357
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,520
MUSIC PLAYS
358
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,200
What's this?
359
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:32,560
Dan!
360
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,040
Dinner's nearly ready.
361
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,480
Great.
362
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,920
I hope you're all hungry.
363
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,720
ALL: Mmm!
364
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,560
What sort of food
do you like, Janet?
365
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,920
Oh, um, all sorts.
366
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,320
Yeah. Everything, really.
367
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,720
We like a nice Chinese, don't we?
368
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:10,800
Yeah. Flied lice.
369
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,640
LAUGHTER
370
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,160
Yes. Chinese is very nice.
371
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,160
Paul. Love you long time.
372
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,760
Paul, Paul. Love you long time.
373
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,160
How long, Steve?
374
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,120
-Just adding the secret ingredient!
-Okay.
375
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,160
LAURA: Or there's the other one,
isn't there, the Indian one?
376
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,280
IN INDIAN ACCENT "My name is Rupinda."
LAUGHS
377
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:40,840
Paul, Paul, look at me.
Would you like some naan bread?
378
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,200
Or vegetables.
379
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:48,880
Okay, Laura, that's enough, yeah?
380
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,360
Well, if you're going to live here,
lose the accent. Isn't it, Mum?
381
00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,960
Okay, Laura.
382
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:55,720
Do you really think that?
383
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,320
No, she doesn't, do you?
384
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,160
Oh, lighten up, everyone. I'm just
being funny, aren't I, Paul?
385
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,760
Yeah. It's hilarious.
386
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,840
Do you have any idea
what he actually thinks of you?
387
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:12,000
Becky, get the food.
388
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:13,720
Steve!
389
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,600
Just adding the magic twist.
390
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,880
Laura and Paul
are very happy together.
391
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,960
They have their ups and downs,
but they're very much in love.
392
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:24,560
Thank you.
393
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,640
So who was that I saw him with
on Sunday, then?
394
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,800
Okay, Mike, let's leave that there.
395
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:33,120
Da-dah! Dinner is served.
396
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,960
JANET: Ooh, good!
397
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,280
He's just being silly.
398
00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:38,880
STEVE: I hope you're all hungry.
399
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,080
Yeah.
400
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:49,760
Oh, it looks lovely, Steve.
Don't it, Mike?
401
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,040
It's food.
402
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,120
-What is it?
-Um, well...
403
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:58,200
...it's spaghetti nuggets.
I invented it myself.
404
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:02,040
It's, er, spaghetti, mushrooms,
chicken nuggets
and a dollop of Ragu.
405
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,640
And there's more of everything
if you want it.
406
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,520
Help yourself to ketchup. Becks.
407
00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:12,120
What is it?
408
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,000
Oh, my God!
409
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,520
You had your piano lesson on Sunday,
didn't you?
410
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:22,840
Yeah, of course I did.
411
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,320
Of course he did.
412
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:25,920
STEVE: Here we are.
413
00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:29,280
Nigel, get that down ya.
414
00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:30,880
Mmm!
415
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:35,800
Laura, bon appetit. And last,
but by no means least, Paul.
416
00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:40,320
Okay, now, um, er...
417
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,040
Thanks. Okay, well, before we all get
stuck in, I know we're all hungry.
418
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:46,960
It looks amazing, Steve.
419
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,280
Okay, but I'd just like to
propose a toast.
420
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,240
-Really?
-Yes.
421
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:56,800
-Okay.
-Um, okay, well, this is a toast, um,
to everyone, really.
422
00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:01,000
Er, so, to Nigel and Jill for
letting me have Becky here with me.
423
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,800
Oh, well...
424
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:07,440
There's always a bed
at ours if she needs it.
425
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:14,320
Okay. And, er, for all the help
you've given us with the move.
426
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:15,760
I don't know what we'd have done
without ya.
427
00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:19,280
Nothing, you'd have done nothing
'cause you were bloody useless.
428
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:21,720
I'm sure he wasn't that bad.
429
00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,480
He really didn't have a clue.
430
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:24,800
They still haven't unpacked!
431
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,640
Yeah, okay,
and also to my lovely mum,
432
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:38,680
er, and...and Mike, mustn't
forget Mike, for everything
you've done for me throughout my life.
433
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:40,640
No worries, mate. It's a pleasure.
434
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,080
And to Laura and Paul,
who were great.
435
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:02,480
Er, good. And finally, of course,
thank you to Becky
for moving in with me,
436
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,320
um, though don't ask me why she has.
437
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,920
LAUGHS
438
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:13,360
She has been great, though. I think
she even did the washing-up...once!
439
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:15,720
LAUGHS
440
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:23,600
Um... um...but she did top up
the, er, the, um, little, um,
441
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,880
er, electricity stick thing
all on her own today.
442
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,080
Well done, Becky.
443
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,680
So...
444
00:25:40,880 --> 00:25:42,080
To everyone.
445
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:44,760
-To everyone.
-To everyone.
446
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:46,280
To everyone.
447
00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:47,480
To everyone.
448
00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,480
Okay. Dig in.
449
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:03,080
LAURA: Don't you dare come out
and speak to me. You lied to me
450
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:04,520
-about piano lessons.
-Laura...
451
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:07,240
Everything all right, Nigel?
Not eating your dinner?
452
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,400
-It's not really dinner, is it?
-Dad!
453
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:12,960
It's spaghetti nuggets.
454
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,120
I think it's lovely.
It's very original.
455
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:20,040
It's a bit pathetic, isn't it?
456
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:22,800
-Nigel!
-Dad!
457
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,920
Got anything better I can have, Steve?
458
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,600
A plate of worms, maybe. Some scabs.
459
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:31,160
Oh, eat your dinner,
you fucking twat.
460
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,000
Mike!
461
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:45,480
# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang,
boom-bang-a-bang
462
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:47,480
# When you are near
463
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,320
# Boom-bang-a-bang-bang all the time
464
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:55,160
# It's such a lovely feeling
465
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,960
# When I'm in your arms
466
00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,680
# Don't go away
I want to stay my whole life through
467
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,920
# Boom-bang-a-bang-bang
close to you #