MUNCHING
Careful. It's electric.
You're bleeding again.
Do you want to lick it?
No.
-No! -Come on. Don't be a dick.
Steve.
If you loved me, you'd lick my blood.
Seriously, Becks! You'll electrocute yourself.
I'll be the one that has to tell your parents.
Is that your only problem with me electrocuting myself?
Yes.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Mmm.
I've just moved in with the world's biggest idiot.
THEY SIGH
Shall we unpack your stuff?
Ugh.
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
I was thinking we should make a rota.
Becks.
I was thinking of making a rota.
Yeah, I heard you. I was ignoring you.
Just for the cleaning and stuff.
What are we going to clean?
I don't know. The kitchen? The loo?
What's the point of cleaning something if you're only going to go and shit in it?
Or the washing up.
-Oh, please can we get... -We're not getting paper plates.
Mmm.
You're salty.
I got sweaty bringing the stuff up.
Mmm.
HE TUTS
Becky.
All the hangers have to face the same way.
What?
Are you a lunatic?
It makes it easier when you take them out.
DOORBELL RINGS
If you make a rota, I'll kill myself.
Shelly!
Where are the others?
I'm early.
Oh, okay, come in.
All right, Shell?
Oh, what's it like out?
It's lovely. Yeah. Very nice.
Good.
Well, congratulations on the move.
I got you this.
Oh.
It's come back.
Aw. That's lovely.
Aw! Thanks, Shell.
Kieran made it. He's got these pens.
He's a clever boy.
Yeah. His father was a judge.
I need a wee.
SHE CHUCKLES
Shall I wait in there till the others arrive?
-That's a good idea. -Oh, okay.
How did she meet a judge?
Oh, Becky, Steve. Before I forget.
Yeah?
I bumped into Julie Taylor.
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get that.
-I've known her for ages, 'cause I used to shag her Dad. -Oh, did you?
I've moved in!
Congratulations.
Oh, my God, Becks.
You're never going to guess who got me a job interview, is she, Paul?
-Julie Taylor. -Paul.
I apologize for that, Becks. I wanted you to guess.
So, she's moved in.
Steve, I was just in Boots for my Omega 3, and guess who works there now?
-Julie Taylor? -Yes, Steve. Well done.
God, she's hot, Becks. She's like something out of Nuts.
Lovely.
And she remembered me from Brownies, because I had all the badges,
and I told her about you and Steve, and she's got me a job interview.
-They're going to stick her on the perfume counter. -I don't know about that.
-They will. They stick all the fit ones on the perfume counter. -LAURA CHUCKLES
I didn't know you went out with Julie Taylor, Steve.
Yeah, I was a very different person then.
I tell you, if I got on the end of that, I'd bang it till its teeth came out.
-Paul. -What? I would.
She said she's popping round. Shelly told her where you live.
Oh, did she?
Sorry.
Don't worry, Becks. She's out of Steve's league.
Just put something nice on. Something slutty. Make the effort.
Wear your Ben Sherman. Don't be a dick.
-Ooh, I really need a wee-wee. -So do a wee-wee.
She's "popping round"?
PAUL AND SHELLY CHAT IN THE BACKGROUND
Who just "pops round" their ex-boyfriend's house?
SCOFFS
-What? -Do people still do that?
Yes.
-Really? -Yes.
SHE SNIGGERS
It's come straight off a tree. Of course I'm going to rub it.
I'm not just going to eat something that's been on a tree!
All right.
Bloody hell.
If she comes round, we'll just get rid of her.
Then you and me will snuggle up and have sex on a chair.
-Really? -Yeah.
-I'd love that. -I know you would.
Thanks.
LAURA: So, in future, just make sure you're not here before Paul and I,
because frankly, Shelly Becky's my sister, and you're fucking rude.
I didn't want to wait in the rain.
I've said everything I've got to say on the matter.
So I've moved out of Mum and Dad's at last.
Steve!
-SHELLY: Hooray. -LAURA: What are you doing?
I'm about to do a wee.
I have some very important news, and Paul's got to be back at one.
Can I just do a wee?
No.
PAUL: If you're more than five minutes late from lunch,
Dean, the new guy, he makes you down a pint of wine.
-Bloody hell. -A pint of wine?
Yeah.
-Well, let me just do a quick wee, and... -No, Steve.
Ridiculous.
So. First things first, we've chosen a choir for the wedding.
Ooh.
We've been emailing a vicar,
and he's given us the website of a choir made up entirely of blind people.
Seriously, Steve. Can't see a thing.
-That's nice. -Very nice.
That's very generous of you, Laura.
I know, Shelly. It's an act of charity.
But also it's a tribute to Paul's uncle, who is unfortunately himself blind.
-Is he? -Yeah. He got stabbed in the eyes.
Hmm-mmm, so, we're inviting submissions for hymns for them to learn.
We want something upbeat, like they have at black weddings. But also something with a heart.
Something about baby Jesus.
Exactly, Shell.
I want it to be a very serene ceremony,
like when Diana died.
STEVE SNIGGERS
Sorry.
There's nothing funny about Diana, Steve. She was beautiful.
Yes. She was.
For God's sake, Steve.
SHELLY: She was too beautiful to live,
but she was too young to die.
That's nice. Did you come up with that yourself, Shell?
Very clever. Well done.
Okay. Finished?
No, Steve. Sit the fuck down.
-I want to do a wee. -Steve.
I now hand you over to Paul for the main event of the day.
Becks, Steve, put your apples down.
This is very important.
I told Julie Taylor about this, and she was very excited.
Right. So, you know, Iggy got put away 'cause he lost it with his missus?
No. What do you mean?
Well, she wound him up, and he got annoyed, and...
LAUGHS
Um, put it this way, she won't be doing the hokey-cokey.
PAUL AND LAURA LAUGH
Needless to say, I'm going to need a new best man.
And I've decided to announce, once and for all,
who better for the job than my one and only best buddy?
Steve.
LAURA: Three cheers for Steve! Hip hip...
ALL: Hooray.
-LAURA: Hip hip... -ALL: Hooray!
One for luck?
ALL: Hip hip, hooray!
Now, give him his present, Paul.
No. Are you sure? What about Darren? Or the other Paul?
Open your present, mate.
It's for your speech, Steve. So, you can write down all the funny little things Paul says and does.
Like the time I smashed up Mothercare!
HE LAUGHS MANICALLY
Now the bride, the chief bridesmaid and the maid of honor are going to depart
to let the groom and his new best man get up to some mischief.
Come on, Becks. Shelly.
Congratulations, Steve.
You'll have lots of fun on the stag do, won't you, with all Paul's friends?
LAURA: Becky!
-Mmm? -Mmm.
HISSES Shit, don't go.
I've got three words for you.
Coke, whores and violence.
LAURA: Steve looked so pleased, didn't he?
Can I have some OJ, Becks?
Yeah. Of course.
So you've moved in, then? You've gone through with it?
Yeah. It's great.
Weird, but...
You know there's always a bed at Mum and Dad's.
-Er, yep. -And at ours.
If Luke's not on the chaise longue.
I want more than that.
There's also refuges, Becks.
Women's refuges. Shelly stayed in one, didn't you, Shell
Yeah.
I know it sounds a lot of fun, a refuge full of girls chilling and talking about boys,
but you do have to watch out for the lezzers.
Fill it to the top, Becks. I'm parched.
I'm parched, but I also need a wee-wee.
I'm funny like that, aren't I, Shell?
Everything I do ends up being funny.
Ugh. Oh, it's got bits in it.
Oh, Pete's sake, I'm not drinking that.
We're going to this parlor in Gateshead where my cousins went.
It's hot, and it's full of whores. You pay a flat fee, and it's like all you can eat.
And we're going to go in the street, wind everyone up and hit them.
And we're going to drink Stella till we're basically disabled.
And we're going to do so much coke, we look like fucking Santa.
Then, during the days, they've got a railway museum.
Okay.
And the genius of it is because you're organizing it,
Laura's going to believe anything you tell her. It's genius.
So, we'll tell her we're paintballing, or some bollocks,
and she'll believe it because she's a moron,
and actually we're smashing the fuck out of Geordies, and sitting up to our necks in tits.
When I moved in with Paul, I wrote a will.
Ooh, yeah. I should write a will.
It was just a part of my long-term commitment to Paul.
So basically, I'm leaving all my possessions, or what have you,
my bits and bobs, my straighteners, my TV, my globe,
I'm leaving that all to Paul, because he's the love of my life.
Sorry.
And then I'm going to leave £50 to an animal sanctuary.
Just because it's nice to give something back to the animals, isn't it,
after everything they've done for us?
-Yeah. -LAURA: Mmm.
You know, pulling stuff. Guarding things. Making honey.
DOORBELL RINGS
You could write a book about it.
SHELLY: That'll be Julie Taylor. I bumped into her in Boots.
Shall I answer it?
-LAURA: Oh. How was your interview? -SHELLY: I got the wrong day.
LAURA: Oh, yeah. I've done that.
It's Dan.
DAN TALKING IN DISTANCE
Oi.
Oi. Laura's written a will.
Has she?
THEY GIGGLE
-What we getting? -I don't know. What do you want?
-Her telly? -I'll see what I can do.
BOTH LAUGH
Can you believe her going on about Julie in front of you? She's such a twat.
You can say that again.
-She... -Don't say it again.
There is nothing more despicable than a man who winks.
DOORBELL RINGS
BECKY: That's what I meant to say, Laura. I really like your new telly.
-All right, Dan? -I've got a girlfriend. Anita took me back.
Oh. Oh, well done, mate.
She's lost weight. Look.
Didn't know you ate apples.
-Yeah. They're all right, aren't they? -Yeah.
-I like them when they're old and brown. -Okay.
What d'you think of her?
Um, yeah. She has lost weight.
-Great. -Yeah.
Would you do her?
What's that?
Anita. Would you do her?
Um, well, I've got Becky, so...
No, but if you were single, would you do her?
Um, yes.
Excellent.
Where have you gone?
All right, Paul? I've got a girlfriend.
Steve told you the good news?
Oh, yes. Um, Paul's asked me to be his best man.
But you don't even like each other. HE LAUGHS
Yes, we do.
Tell him about your girlfriend.
-What do you think? Would you do her? -Yeah.
Two out of two. Where's Becky?
-Hello, everyone. I've got... -Paul, we're going.
Julie'll be here soon, and I look like a pig.
Oh, you don't look anything like a pig, Laura.
Oh, Shelly. You're such an arse-licker.
Brilliant. Proper apples, from a proper fucking tree. Where did you get these?
Steve's mum nicked 'em.
Her neighbor's got a garden.
Paul loves apples. Don't you, Paul?
Yeah. They're spasmodic.
Well, you could use that in your speech, Steve. Paul loves apples.
-Yeah. -Go on, write it down.
STEVE CHUCKLES
Write it down.
STEVE CHUCKLES
Write it down, Steve.
HE SIGHS
HE MUMBLES
Thank you, Steve.
You all right, Dan?
Yep. Yeah.
Anita took me back. Got a girlfriend.
-That's good. -DAN: Yeah.
We had a full English, I took her to an airfield, you know.
Right. I'm going to pop home, have a wee-wee,
and do some research for my Boots audition.
Bye. Bye, Shelly.
Bye, everyone!
Well, thanks for popping round. Good luck with Boots.
Thanks, Becks, but I don't think I need it.
See ya later, best man.
PAUL: And congratulations on the move. I'm really pleased for you both.
-STEVE: Cheers, mate. -BECKY: Thanks, Paul.
Come on, Paul. I don't want to soil myself. Congratulations, guys.
Just don't take the piss with the ironing, Steve.
There's no need to iron his pants and his socks,
because they're underwear, and no-one can see 'em.
BECKY: Thanks, Laur.
Tell Julie I'll see her next Wednesday.
-Yeah. Thanks, Shell. -LAURA: Seriously, Becks.
Put something decent on. She dresses like a famous person.
Bye, then.
LAURA: I've got a new air freshener in my car, Shell.
-Have you? -Yeah.
-LAURA: Do you want to come and have a smell? -SHELLY: Oh, I'd love to.
-LAURA: It's shaped like a tree. -Ooh, sounds lovely, Laura.
She does his ironing?
Silly cow.
Any more of those apples?
HE SNEEZES
Thanks.
-Leave that for an hour. -Hmm.
-Thought there'd be more excitement about me and Anita. -Don't do that, Dan.
Your ex is coming round, is she?
-Yeah. -Awkward.
Hmm.
-Sorry, are you waiting for me to go? -Yeah.
Sorry.
BOTH: Bye, Dan.
STEVE: Thanks for coming round.
Ugh!
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, at last.
If we don't have sex soon, my willy is going to pop.
Honestly, it's glowing. And I need a wee. It's relentless.
I think I've got an ulcer.
Laura's drunk out of that.
-Have her lips actually been on it? -Yeah.
HE GROANS
Ugh. Right. I'm doing my wee.
DOORBELL RINGS
WOMAN: Steve?
Steve!
Oh, no.
Is that her?
No.
DOORBELL RINGS
We're going to have to answer it.
Okay. You answer it, but tell her I've gone out.
Like she's going to believe that.
DOORBELL RINGS
HE SIGHS
Steve?
-Come on. -Oh, no. Wait, Becky! Wait! Becky.
Hello. Sorry to disturb you. Is Steve there?
Sorry. He can't come to the door. He's really ill.
Oh.
Yeah, he's got the shits.
-JULIE: Oh. Poor thing. -Yeah.
I think we've met. Julie?
Yeah. Ages ago. Becky.
Becky. Yeah. That's right. Laura's sister.
Yes.
Laura's a little minx, isn't she? Such a laugh.
She's hilarious.
I got her a job interview.
Pulled some strings. I could get you one if you like.
Thanks.
-I hear you moved in today. -Yes.
Congratulations. Shelly... Do you know Shelly Mills?
-Yeah. -She's hilarious.
She's thick as shit, but you've got to love her.
She mentioned it, and I had this. It's Steve's, it's his favorite CD.
It's been knocking round my parents' house for ages,
so I thought I'd come round get rid of it at last.
-That's nice. -Thank you.
I'm an old friend. Well. Not a friend, but, you know...
Yes.
-Girlfriend. -Yeah.
Ha. Whoops.
Funny. We went out for a while, actually. Yeah.
Two and half years? Yeah. Right up till I went off to uni. Mad.
Seriously. I've just finished Business and Admin.
Yeah. Bolton. Crazy days. Best years of my life.
So how is he? Apart from being poorly.
He's good.
Good.
All right, Steve?
Yep.
Congratulations on being Paul Parker's best man.
Thanks. Thank you.
I hope you feel better.
HE GROANS
Aw.
Well, I'll leave him my number, and he can call me when he's better,
and me and him can have a proper catch-up.
I'm sure he'd love to.
I'm doing the marathon in April.
I'll have to get you to sponsor me. It's going to be hilarious.
I'll be dressed as a chicken.
Have you got any paper?
Paper. Paper.
Now, where do we keep all our stationery?
Oh, my God. Thank fuck for that. I'm dying for a piss.
D'you reckon I should text Laura and ask her if I'm allowed to go yet?
CHUCKLES She gets worse.
What was Julie's excuse, Becks? Bringing a CD round?
Well, that's bollocks. That's so clearly bollocks.
Oh. That feels good.
Oh.
Bringing a CD around? What a twat!
CHUCKLES
Oh! Oh, that's lovely. Oh.
Hey, Becks. Are we still going to shag on the chair?
TOILET FLUSHES
TAP RUNS
Hello.
Hi.
I was just bringing this round.
Oh. Brilliant. I'll listen to that.
It's just been cluttering up my parents' house.
STEVE: Yes. Sorry.
How are your parents? All right?
Yeah.
Good. Good.
You well?
Yeah.
You?
My tummy hurts.
Mm.
Well, it was nice to see you.
Yes. It's lovely.
Places to go. People to meet.
Bye, Becky.
Bye.
No.
You are such a plonker.
-Did she hear me? -Of course, she heard you.
No way.
You just stood there weeing.
Well, I can't stop mid-flow, you know that. You know I can't stop mid-flow.
Oh, I can't believe I just did that.
After she went to all that trouble to bring your CD round.
Oi, you, leave her alone. She's got places to go, people to meet
BECKY SNIGGERS
So then, best man.
Oh, it is going to be horrible.
-Now that you've got rid of her so delicately... -Mmm.
...and everyone's left us alone at last.
Any idea what we should do next?
-Nope. -No?
It feels to me like you've just had a very good idea.
# Come closer, come closer and listen
# The beat of my heart keeps on missin' #
Er...did you throw my fairy lights in the bin?
# Come closer and love me tonight #
No.
You little bastard.
Ho-ho, Becky!
Woo-hoo!
# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang Boom-bang-a-bang
# When you are near
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang all the time
# It's such a lovely feeling
# When I'm in your arms
# Don't go away I wanna stay my whole life through
# Boom bang-a-bang-bang Close to you #