1
00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,527
<i>Wallace, whatever you saw, there's an explanation.</i>

2
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:03,901
<i>I'm not saying that it's a good explanation,</i>

3
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,862
<i>it's obviously a bad explanation,</i>

4
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:08,243
<i>but we can't just leave things like this.</i>

5
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,995
<i>You have to call me back, okay?</i>

6
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:12,781
<i>Wallace, whatever happened, I still love you.</i>

7
00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:16,578
<i>This message has been saved for 379 days.</i>

8
00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:20,047
<i>Message deleted.</i>

9
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,780
Yeah, that was supposed to be
an anonymous fridge magnet poem.

10
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,445
And here I am quietly judging you.

11
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,580
Oh, I can handle it.
I've humiliated myself

12
00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,117
much more thoroughly in front of people I actually know.

13
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,786
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

14
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:19,682
I'm sorry, I moved your poem.

15
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,316
I find this, like, weirdly addictive.

16
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,771
- Yeah, like face tattoos.
- Like peeing in the ocean.

17
00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:26,897
Here it is. Here it is.

18
00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:28,361
- Hi.
- Hi.

19
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:30,275
- Oh, did you guys meet?
- Kind of, yeah.

20
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,160
- Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry.
- Hi.

21
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,993
She's an animator. Chantry, this
is my college roommate Wallace.

22
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,156
- You're Wallace?
- Yup.

23
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,621
This is the first time he's been outside in, like, a year.

24
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,795
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you do look pale.

25
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:44,456
I just assumed you were, like, anemic or partially albino.

26
00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:46,625
- It's both, actually.
- He's been hibernating

27
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:49,136
like an adorable bear cub because of his broken heart.

28
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:52,173
Please stop telling people that and stroking my face.

29
00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,717
- Anyway--
- Hey. Do you guys know Becky?

30
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,887
She's small, has brown hair, always
bragging about her eating disorder.

31
00:02:58,053 --> 00:02:59,305
I'm Becky.

32
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:01,599
- It's been a while.
- Oh, hello.

33
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,108
It's so good to see you again.

34
00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:06,486
- That's just what she sounds like.
- Can I give you a tour of the house?

35
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,151
Come.

36
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:11,654
To be fair,

37
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,031
I don't always like parties, either.

38
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:17,198
Awkward small talk is not my forte.

39
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:18,661
It's <i>fort,</i> actually.

40
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:22,124
Forte is Italian, it means "forcefully."
And fort is French for "strength."

41
00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,128
But I still say forte too.
If you say fort,

42
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,915
everyone thinks you're getting it wrong,
even though it is correct.

43
00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:30,006
So is that, like, your thing?
Correcting people's pronunciation?

44
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,262
- Yeah, that's my thing.
- How's that going for you?

45
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:35,971
I have a dead-end job, I live in my
sister's attic, I basically never go out.

46
00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,806
Correcting pronunciation is my old thing.

47
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,811
My new thing is over-sharing.

48
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,105
Here, try some of Allan's beer.

49
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,311
Thank you.

50
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,816
You actually knocked yourself out?

51
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:48,024
I think so. And I'll tell you
something really weird.

52
00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:50,359
My face is, like, permanently damaged.

53
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:53,150
Like, if you look up here,
you can see there's, like--

54
00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:57,037
- I think there's, like, a dent.
- Sort of like Quasimodo.

55
00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:58,196
Yeah.

56
00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:05,379
So I've got to go to the bathroom.

57
00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,539
Do you need anything, like some dental floss,

58
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:11,506
- or, you know, expired aspirin?
- No, but I've left a matchbox in there,

59
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,638
and I was hoping all the women here
could leave one pubic hair in there.

60
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,844
I'll just go around with, like, a party tray.

61
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,760
No, they'll be in there. It'll be fine.
I'm stuffing a pillow.

62
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,018
Okay.

63
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,158
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

64
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,370
I was just leaving without saying goodbye, like a dick.

65
00:04:42,532 --> 00:04:48,255
Yeah. Yeah, that's totally
what I am doing as well.

66
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,670
<i>Where are you...?</i>

67
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,838
I'm just, like, a couple blocks west.

68
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,052
Me too.

69
00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:01,515
- Would you like to walk together?
- Yeah. Sure.

70
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,178
Cool.

71
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,395
I read in the tabloids that she's a cannibal

72
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:10,561
- and he faked Parkinson's for attention.
- I read that too. Crazy.

73
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,071
Awful people. Really.

74
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,857
This is actually me here.

75
00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:17,776
Right. Well, hey, I had
a really good time talking to you.

76
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,741
Yeah. Me too.
Which is rare, actually.

77
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:22,247
I'm usually not that social, so...

78
00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:24,407
Well,

79
00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,827
maybe you'd like to talk again sometime.

80
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,586
Yeah, definitely.
We should hang out.

81
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,839
Yeah. It'd be lovely.

82
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,546
Okay, so I'm gonna give you my number.

83
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,210
- Okay. I will...
- Top secret.

84
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:36,424
Good.

85
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,714
I did not mean to stay out so late.

86
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,427
No, me neither.

87
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:43,639
My boyfriend will be worried about what happened to me,

88
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,772
so, you know, call me.

89
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,308
Yes. Thank you very much.

90
00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,522
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice meeting you.

91
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,732
- Cool.
- Good night.

92
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:53,895
Good night.

93
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,104
<i>Well, hey, I had a good time talking to you.</i>

94
00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:32,813
<i>Yeah. Me too.</i>

95
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:38,653
<i>My boyfriend will be wondering what happened to me.</i>

96
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,152
- Hey, what's up, Felix?
- Hey.

97
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,275
- You all right?
- Just dropped an earring.

98
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,859
Your dinner's in the oven.

99
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,150
- Good night.
- What time will you be home?

100
00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:23,114
If the date is good, midnight.

101
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,449
If the date is bad, 8.

102
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,369
No treats, okay?
And no horror movies.

103
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,204
And don't let him go up on the roof.

104
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,165
And don't sell his organs on the black market.

105
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,079
Okay. I'm off.

106
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:37,215
Take care. Have fun. Good luck.

107
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:48,598
- Clear!
- All right, mate, close your eyes.

108
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:49,852
<i>Clear.</i>

109
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,401
Okay, you can open them again.

110
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,815
Thank you.

111
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,029
<i>Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure</i>

112
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,539
<i>as ordering Westley around.</i>

113
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,325
<i>Farm boy?</i>

114
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:55,209
<i>Polish my horse's saddle.</i>

115
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:58,042
<i>I want to see my face shining in it by morning.</i>

116
00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,172
<i>As you wish.</i>

117
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:06,464
<i>"As you wish" was all he ever said to her.</i>

118
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,018
Thank you.

119
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,990
- Hey. Need a ride?
- Oh, hey.

120
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:30,321
Hey. No, I think we're okay.
Thanks. Yeah.

121
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,664
Sorry, I didn't see you there.

122
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:36,167
No, I also didn't see you standing right next to me.

123
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,623
Hi, Wallace.

124
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,129
- Chantry.
- Yes.

125
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,381
- I'm here alone.
- Me too.

126
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:45,965
My boyfriend was supposed to come,
but he had to work late, so...

127
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:47,754
I like seeing movies by myself, though.

128
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,015
I think it's really cool you're here alone.

129
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:52,141
Oh, yeah. Super cool.

130
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,347
Yeah.

131
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:55,887
- Seriously?
- Yeah, seriously.

132
00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,978
Oh, Wallace, I don't think you can have <i>Princess Bride</i>

133
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:01,484
as one of your favorite movies if you actually think love

134
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,065
makes you a worse person.

135
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:04,650
Well, no, it's irrelevant.

136
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:06,486
<i>The Princess Bride is</i> a fairy tale.

137
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:10,027
In fairy tales, love inspires you
to be noble and courageous,

138
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:14,369
but in real life, love is just an
all-purpose excuse for selfish behavior.

139
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:20,083
You can lie and cheat and hurt people,
and it's all okay because you're in love.

140
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:25,626
I don't know if you are actually cynical,

141
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:29,842
or just a super crazy, romantic cheese ball.

142
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,757
You did go see Princess Bride by yourself, on a weeknight,

143
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,050
like a total loser.

144
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:38,313
Yeah, well, your boyfriend ditched you,
and you still came all by yourself,

145
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,565
- so who's the real loser?
- Are you hungry?

146
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,393
I can't believe
you ordered deep-fried pickles.

147
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:47,155
Pickles are disgusting.
Pickling is like embalming, basically.

148
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,782
Like, a pickle jar is like a tomb for cucumbers.

149
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:53,115
I violated a tremendous amount
of corpses in medical school,

150
00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,326
so I know that pickling is not the same as embalming.

151
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,615
- You're a doctor?
- No.

152
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,125
- Med school dropout.
- All right.

153
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:07,043
The whole premise of deep-frying
is it makes everything taste better.

154
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:09,461
- I don't like deep-fried food.
- French fries?

155
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,463
Onion rings?

156
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:12,630
- Fried chicken?
- Nope.

157
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:13,798
- Fish and chips?
- Gross.

158
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:16,184
Funnel cakes? Doughnuts?
Deep-fried banana sandwiches?

159
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,935
No, but Elvis ate those.

160
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,471
And something called Fool's Gold.

161
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,139
- What is that?
- I don't know exactly,

162
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,559
but I read on the Internet that Elvis died

163
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:27,150
with 40 pounds of undigested feces still in his intestine.

164
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,565
Thank you for telling me that in the middle of dinner.

165
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,529
- You're welcome.
- Next time I take a bite,

166
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,035
- you can say "diarrhea."
- Diarrhea.

167
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,821
Is this something you learn in med school?

168
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:38,115
Yeah. They go through the...

169
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,454
- All the famous people.
- All the famous people

170
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:43,712
and how much feces were left in
them at the time of their death.

171
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:44,871
- Marie Antoinette?
- Tons.

172
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,292
In fact, they had to guillotine
her intestine <i>as</i> well as her head.

173
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:52,088
Yeah. They just, like, moved the body
further along through the machine.

174
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,675
Who do you think weighs the feces?

175
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,215
I think, as the king,

176
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:57,679
it would've been, like, a job that people fought for.

177
00:11:58,509 --> 00:11:59,852
“Well, if I can't dress him,

178
00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:03,732
if I can't make him look pretty for the
casket, can I at least touch his poo?"

179
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,642
- You think he kept a bit?
- I'm sure he did.

180
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,401
In a matchbox or something, yeah.

181
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,188
Like, one of those little vials
you could wear around your neck.

182
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,824
Like, yeah, he had, like, a little shit locket.

183
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,154
Yeah, yes.

184
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:19,039
So, like, I've been with Ben for five years, and, like,

185
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:22,576
I get that guys don't want to hang
out with the girl with the boyfriend,

186
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,877
but it just sucks, you know.

187
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,788
It just makes you feel like the only thing

188
00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,674
that's interesting about you
is how you look with your clothes off.

189
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,836
I mean, like, it should be easier to
make friends if you have a boyfriend,

190
00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:35,255
because there's no confusion.

191
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,090
So is that it?

192
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,680
That's your big pitch to be my friend?

193
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:42,562
- That was terrible.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

194
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,394
I'm just--
I practiced in the mirror, and...

195
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:46,933
- Anyway.
- Friends?

196
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,228
- Yeah, why not? Friends.
- All right.

197
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,396
Is this how you make friends?
Like a business deal?

198
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,735
Yeah, actually. It's just my style.

199
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,821
It's quite unnerving, but it's good.

200
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,410
"What's shaking, hot pants?"

201
00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,867
You can't write
“What's shaking, hot pants?"

202
00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:04,500
Have you seen anyone wearing
hot pants in the last five years?

203
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,753
That homeless man who shouts at people near the pool.

204
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,751
<i>"So I found this website</i>

205
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:16,138
where they explain what Fool's Gold is.

206
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,431
<i>You take</i>

207
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:21,593
<i>a loaf of Italian white bread,</i>

208
00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,352
<i>you coat it in butter</i>

209
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:25,725
<i>and bake it.</i>

210
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:31,444
<i>Then you hollow out the inside</i>

211
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:39,115
<i>and coat it with an entire jar of peanut butter,</i>

212
00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:43,327
<i>and an entire jar of jam.</i>

213
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:48,120
<i>Then you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon.</i>

214
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:54,755
<i>The website said it serves
eight to ten people, or one Elvis. "</i>

215
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:59,427
You know, a jar of peanut butter
has, like, 6,000 calories in it.

216
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,136
And bacon is not even a food.

217
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:04,052
Technically, it's just pure fat.

218
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:09,274
"Championbeefcake@hotmail.com,
re: Just pure fat.

219
00:14:09,432 --> 00:14:12,902
I can't confirm how much feces
were in Elvis's colon when he died,

220
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:16,406
but I did find out
how he discovered Fool's Gold."

221
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,111
They get on the jet, private jet,

222
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,072
fly to Denver, get to Denver,

223
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,532
order Fool's Gold sandwiches to be delivered to the plane,

224
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,323
eat them, fly back to Graceland
without ever getting off the plane.

225
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:28,710
And the best part is,

226
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:33,590
February 1st, 1976?
The day my parents got married.

227
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,635
- Oh, no. Wallace!
- Come on.

228
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,217
- Got it!
- Mail storm!

229
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:18,801
It starts dirty, it ends dirty.

230
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,305
A relationship that starts with a breakup
is doomed to end with a breakup.

231
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:23,589
- Who said that?
- Me.

232
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,511
You, after Vicky Cardero gave me
a BJ at her boyfriend's keg party

233
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,271
- and I wanted to ask her out.
- I recall you ignored that advice.

234
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,148
- What was the result?
- It ended dirty.

235
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:33,558
Gonorrhea-and-a-fistfight dirty.

236
00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:36,694
This is not gonorrhea and a fistfight.
I'm not trying to break them up.

237
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:40,323
I just-- I'm happy
just being friends with her.

238
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,568
Is this a good housewarming gift for Nicole?

239
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,863
Why are you buying a housewarming
gift? She's moving into your house.

240
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,873
Girls are weird about this sort of stuff,
and I'd rather overcompensate.

241
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,293
How much for the flying moose?

242
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,999
This dinner is a terrible idea.

243
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:57,587
Normally, I wouldn't care about you
tumbling into some mess with a girl.

244
00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,546
I'd even rejoice at the statistically tiny

245
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:02,553
but mathematical possible chance
of a threesome, but this is my cousin.

246
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,464
I accidentally saw her labia one time,

247
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,098
immediately, explosive diarrhea.

248
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:08,760
Oh, but you are misreading this whole situation,

249
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:11,770
because you can't interact with
a woman without sex screwing it up.

250
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,522
But I can, because I'm a grown-up.

251
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:15,729
And it's so adorable that you really believe that.

252
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:18,111
More importantly, if this was your bedside lamp,

253
00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:21,239
do you think the warm glow would make
you feel more sexually experimental?

254
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,325
- Absolutely.
- What do you think?

255
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,777
I've got the same one at home.

256
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,621
It's the worst thing that's
ever happened in all of human history.

257
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:36,079
Was it worse than when that meteor
hit Earth and killed all the dinosaurs?

258
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:39,499
Yes. My breakup is definitely
worse than a stupid meteor.

259
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,417
I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you.

260
00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,757
- With a grad student.
- No, I know.

261
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,094
Her thesis is probably
on how to be a rat-faced whore.

262
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,475
And I really liked him. I'm so sorry.

263
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:53,684
I liked him so much, I don't even want to
sleep with his friends to get back at him.

264
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,598
I mean, I will, but I'm not gonna enjoy it.

265
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:59,770
Do you think there might be, like,
a less skanky option for rebounding?

266
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:02,064
No. This is something
you have to do.

267
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:04,524
I'm gonna go. I don't want
to wreck your dinner party.

268
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,863
No, no, it's not a dinner party.

269
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,619
It's just, like, my friend, Wallace.

270
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:11,497
Stay. This Wallace guy
could be a good rebound for you.

271
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:14,579
Okay.

272
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,495
Please, go easy on him.
He's delicate.

273
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,881
- Hi.
- Hi.

274
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,292
- Hey. I brought booze.
- Thank you. That's so nice.

275
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,301
- You're welcome.
- You can take your coat off.

276
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,803
I will. Thank you very much.

277
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,589
Wow, this place is just like I imagined.

278
00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,098
- Really?
- Well, I mean,

279
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:32,352
yeah, I pictured more potpourri
and doilies and stuffed animals

280
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,808
- and things, knowing you, you know...
- I put that away.

281
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,689
I know that it weirds you out.

282
00:17:36,847 --> 00:17:39,225
Ben, Wallace is here.

283
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,315
- Hi.
- Hey, Wallace. How are you?

284
00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,979
Hi.

285
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,781
- Sorry.
- No worries.

286
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,199
Let me dry off my hands.

287
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,820
- Thanks for coming by.
- No. Nice to meet you. Thank you.

288
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,579
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.

289
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:54,331
Oh, Wallace, this is my sister, Dalia.

290
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:56,208
- Nice to--
- So nice to meet you.

291
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,165
- Hi.
- Hello.

292
00:17:58,369 --> 00:17:59,837
- You smell really good.
- Really?

293
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,169
Yeah. Or maybe
it just smells really bad in here, right?

294
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:05,130
No, he smells great.
But it is getting kind of oniony in here.

295
00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:08,012
- Can someone open the window?
- Yeah, I'll get it.

296
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,093
Right over there.

297
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,429
So, Wallace, I'd like to get your opinion on something.

298
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,351
- Yeah?
- Europe.

299
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,978
The--? The continent?

300
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,184
- See?
- Is it?

301
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:18,939
- Is it?
- Yes, it is a cont--

302
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,725
- Is it a continent?
- It is.

303
00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,689
He is from that continent, he should know.

304
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,354
Okay, look at a map, any map,

305
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,898
Europe's not a separate continent,
it's clearly part of Asia.

306
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:31,991
Right. But, wait, so if Europe isn't
a continent, then why is it a continent?

307
00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:34,906
Because Europeans were the ones
who decided what the continents are,

308
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:39,043
and they didn't want to get lumped in
with all the, you know, Asians.

309
00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:43,251
Ben is trying to change the world from the inside out.

310
00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:45,462
Okay? Eurasia.
That's what they should call it.

311
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,424
- Europe plus Asia: Eurasia.
- Okay.

312
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,930
- Who wants more wine?
- I do. Please.

313
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,340
- In my glass.
- Yeah.

314
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,055
And so, Ben, what is it exactly
that you do at the U.N.?

315
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:58,187
I'm part of an international consortium
of lawyers with a U.N. mandate

316
00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:00,269
to negotiate global copyright standards.

317
00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,809
More importantly, are you trying
to sleep with my girlfriend?

318
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,736
Ben was working late, I don't know,
and Allan invited me...

319
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:08,944
Don't worry, we're just talking "guy," okay?

320
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:11,529
They think we're talking about
international copyright law.

321
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:12,818
Okay.

322
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,989
Now, look, I have no problem with the
concept of Chantry having guy friends,

323
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:19,159
- but if you're trying to move in--
- No, no, God, I wouldn't do that.

324
00:19:19,325 --> 00:19:21,293
I just want to be friends with her.
And with you.

325
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:23,671
Friends is fine. Okay?
I can do friends.

326
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,628
But you'd better not try
and put your penis anywhere near her.

327
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,839
- Okay.
- Every country has different laws,

328
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,175
so it's a logistical nightmare, but
I think it's important work, you know?

329
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,432
- I think it's worth it.
- Yeah, that is impressive.

330
00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,308
Very impressive.

331
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:41,514
Oh, shit.

332
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:42,682
You all right?

333
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,271
- Oh, my God, my eye.
- What is it?

334
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,686
He's just rubbed his eye.

335
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,650
God! My eye. It's really burning.

336
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,690
- Did you cut the jalapeno?
- Yeah, I did.

337
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,904
- Yeah.
- Oh, my...

338
00:19:54,819 --> 00:19:56,662
- Wallace, medical school!
- Shit, it hurts!

339
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:59,324
Okay, well, do you--? Saline solution.
Do you use contacts?

340
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:01,618
- I do. It's in the bathroom.
- Ben wears contacts.

341
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,411
- Okay. Where?
- Through that door.

342
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:05,329
- Yeah.
- Oh, God, that's painful!

343
00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:09,296
- Okay, what can I do, honey?
- God, that burns so badly.

344
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,211
It's on that rag and it's in my other eye now!

345
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,973
I'm sorry. Just...

346
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,308
Over there!

347
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:24,936
- Ben? Ben!
- Oh, shit!

348
00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:26,442
- Oh, my God!
- Ben?

349
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,443
Are you okay?

350
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,900
Okay, don't move. Ben!

351
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:33,779
- Do something.
- Call 911!

352
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,364
Oh, no!
Okay, stay right there! Don't move!

353
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:40,490
I'm sorry. You look fine.

354
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:44,786
It hurts me! It hurts me!

355
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,047
- Just be still.
- What if I'm paralyzed?

356
00:20:48,205 --> 00:20:49,752
- What if I'm--?
- You're not paralyzed.

357
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,384
I'm gonna give you something
for the pain to help you relax.

358
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,170
Oh, my God.
What if I relax too much?

359
00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,384
What if I lose control of my bodily function?

360
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:57,799
What if I shit myself?

361
00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,093
You know, that actually happens more than you'd think.

362
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,387
It's the worst part of my job.
It's super gross.

363
00:21:02,553 --> 00:21:04,180
Here we go.

364
00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:06,061
Okay. Okay. Okay.

365
00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:09,523
- And there we are.
- Just lie still.

366
00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:14,524
Should you really be eating?

367
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:17,443
Stress makes me hungry. That's why
I can never be a fighter pilot.

368
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:20,614
I'd weigh, like, 500 pounds, I wouldn't
even be able to fit in the cockpit.

369
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:24,580
<i>Holy night</i>

370
00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:36,045
So, what's the prognosis, doc?

371
00:21:36,212 --> 00:21:37,839
He'll need the cast for a few more weeks,

372
00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:39,973
but the neck brace is a precaution.

373
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,305
And he'll probably be out in the morning.

374
00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,721
If you're gonna spend the night, I can wait here with Ben.

375
00:21:44,887 --> 00:21:46,230
You guys get something to eat.

376
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,021
What are you getting?

377
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,570
Tuna salad. Yeah.

378
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:56,528
- I hate hospitals.
- Me too.

379
00:21:57,358 --> 00:22:00,202
I spent a lot of time in hospitals as a child.

380
00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:02,079
Because of all your deformities?

381
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:05,992
- My parents met as surgical interns.
- Right.

382
00:22:06,158 --> 00:22:08,035
He does cardiology, she does orthopedics.

383
00:22:08,202 --> 00:22:12,127
He actually proposed to her on the roof
of Charing Cross Hospital in London.

384
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,461
That's romantic.

385
00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:15,626
Yeah, until the affairs.

386
00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,466
She cheated on him, he cheated on her.

387
00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:18,675
It was just a mess.

388
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:21,466
How old were you when they got divorced?

389
00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:23,805
Seven, I think.

390
00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:26,687
You don't know how to teleport, do you?

391
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:27,893
- No.
- Okay.

392
00:22:28,055 --> 00:22:30,604
Then I want to apologize
for the horribly awkward situation

393
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:31,813
you're about to witness.

394
00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:33,523
Hi.

395
00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:37,691
Sorry, Chantry, this is Megan, my...

396
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:39,359
Well, my nothing in particular.

397
00:22:39,817 --> 00:22:42,070
Nice to meet you.

398
00:22:42,611 --> 00:22:44,784
Wallace, what are you doing here?
Are you sick?

399
00:22:44,947 --> 00:22:49,123
No, Chantry's boyfriend
fell out of a window, but he's okay.

400
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:52,084
- Do you want me to look in on him?
- No. That won't be necessary.

401
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:56,755
I'm gonna go.
We only get 15 minutes to eat lunch.

402
00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:58,669
Don't get the bagel with smoked salmon,

403
00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:00,804
or the tuna salad, or anything with seafood in it.

404
00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:03,682
The company that stocks the machine
has failed four inspections,

405
00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:05,639
but the manager's brother works for the mayor.

406
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,850
I'm sorry, I've been on shift
for 18 hours and I'm really tired.

407
00:23:09,013 --> 00:23:12,017
I had so much coffee, and when I saw
her, I thought she was your girlfriend,

408
00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:13,729
and that made me want to cry.

409
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,566
It's weird I'm saying this out loud, right?

410
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,322
- You are, and it is.
- I just want us to be friends.

411
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,073
Not today, but someday.

412
00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:22,030
Whatever he said,
it wasn't black-and-white--

413
00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:24,945
He hasn't said anything about you.

414
00:23:25,696 --> 00:23:27,164
He's never even mentioned you.

415
00:23:33,329 --> 00:23:36,082
Okay, it was nice to meet you.

416
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:39,673
- I hope your boyfriend feels better.
- Thank you.

417
00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:45,432
That was my ex-girlfriend.

418
00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:47,639
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

419
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:05,577
Dude, you're really fishhooking me over this new manual.

420
00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:07,738
Is fishhooking good or bad?

421
00:24:07,905 --> 00:24:10,249
- You enjoy being fishhooked?
- I've never been fishhooked.

422
00:24:10,407 --> 00:24:12,250
- Take a guess.
- Probably not.

423
00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:13,456
Definitely not.

424
00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:14,996
Nobody wants to be fishhooked.

425
00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:18,132
All those girls in high school
you fishhooked, they didn't like it.

426
00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:22,545
They just wanted to have sex with me.
You. Men. Men.

427
00:24:22,711 --> 00:24:23,758
I'm off topic.

428
00:24:23,921 --> 00:24:26,549
- God, I hope so.
- Yeah. Manual.

429
00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:27,932
It needs a lot of work.

430
00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:30,686
So I'll give you another wee--
Month.

431
00:24:30,844 --> 00:24:33,393
Extra month. So make it...

432
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,057
Make it right.

433
00:24:39,103 --> 00:24:40,150
Hang on a second.

434
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:43,657
Seriously, Josh, this is where we're doing it?

435
00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:47,286
With the wood? Because I think
it might be cleaner someplace else.

436
00:24:47,444 --> 00:24:49,993
- You're blocking the shot, so...
- Oh, sorry.

437
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,374
- Keep going, Josh.
- Douche.

438
00:24:52,533 --> 00:24:55,787
It is total bullshit that Josh got
the project manager job over you.

439
00:24:55,953 --> 00:24:58,706
Everyone knows it's your design,
and now Josh is acting like it's his.

440
00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:01,546
- It's, like, sexism or something.
- Our boss is a woman.

441
00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:04,508
I am so pissed that I gave Josh
a hojo after the Christmas party.

442
00:25:04,670 --> 00:25:07,594
In your defense, it is kind of your
tradition to give one of our coworkers

443
00:25:07,756 --> 00:25:09,884
a handsie for Christmas.

444
00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,553
Listen, guys, Holly offered me the promotion first.

445
00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:14,472
- I turned it down.
- What?

446
00:25:14,638 --> 00:25:18,313
- Why?
- Because I like being an animator.

447
00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:21,775
I do, and the project manager
has to deal with so much more,

448
00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:24,656
like, hassle and paperwork and meetings,

449
00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:27,819
and Josh is gonna end up stuck in Taiwan half the year.

450
00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:30,579
Yeah, all that extra power and money
and travel is gonna suck.

451
00:25:30,738 --> 00:25:32,786
Stop. She doesn't want
the hassle, okay?

452
00:25:32,948 --> 00:25:36,953
She's got a great job, a great boyfriend,
great friends like me, kind of you.

453
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:39,042
She's happy just the way things are, right?

454
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,624
Right.

455
00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:46,796
Oh, good, there they are.

456
00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:49,010
"Servings per pack, about 107."

457
00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,220
- Oh, about.
- About.

458
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:51,884
Oh, okay.

459
00:25:52,051 --> 00:25:54,645
Just in case you wanted to eat all of it in one sitting.

460
00:25:54,803 --> 00:25:56,897
That is not a good idea.

461
00:25:57,056 --> 00:25:59,104
Please don't-- Please don't eat it all.

462
00:25:59,266 --> 00:26:00,893
I won't.

463
00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:05,776
I wanna know where the weird shit is.

464
00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:08,533
Like, where are the animal parts that you think are trash,

465
00:26:08,692 --> 00:26:10,990
- but are actually food?
- Chantry, I've been waiting

466
00:26:11,153 --> 00:26:13,406
for the right moment to talk to you about this,

467
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,542
but I think maybe it's better just
to stop building it up and just say it.

468
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:17,917
Okay. ls everything okay?

469
00:26:18,077 --> 00:26:20,626
Oh, no, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, yeah.

470
00:26:20,788 --> 00:26:22,335
Okay, so we've been together five years,

471
00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:25,923
and it feels like our relationship is built to last.

472
00:26:26,085 --> 00:26:28,213
No matter what the future holds.

473
00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,890
I've been asked to take charge
of the European negotiation.

474
00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:34,009
It's a six-month contract.

475
00:26:34,176 --> 00:26:36,520
But the thing is, the team is based in Ireland,

476
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:38,521
so I would have to live in Dublin,

477
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,684
although I'd have to travel around the whole continent.

478
00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:45,737
You mean the subcontinent,

479
00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:48,490
- but that's okay.
- Right.

480
00:26:49,108 --> 00:26:50,951
Look, this is important to me,

481
00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:53,363
but there is nothing more important than you.

482
00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:55,748
So if you feel like
the long-distance thing

483
00:26:55,906 --> 00:26:57,453
is too much, I'll turn it down.

484
00:26:57,616 --> 00:27:01,621
This is a huge opportunity for you, right?

485
00:27:01,787 --> 00:27:03,664
Lead negotiator?

486
00:27:06,208 --> 00:27:07,585
- I love you.
- I love you.

487
00:27:08,544 --> 00:27:09,545
Go, Felix!

488
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:13,432
Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it.
I'm saying you'll get horribly sick.

489
00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:14,637
But it wouldn't kill you.

490
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,177
You can eat your own poop,

491
00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:18,141
but if you eat the poop that you poop out

492
00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:21,182
after eating the first poop, it's so toxic, you'll die.

493
00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:23,521
So you can eat your poop once, but not twice.

494
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,232
Hey, excuse me.

495
00:27:26,395 --> 00:27:28,944
Okay, where did you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?

496
00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:31,529
"Where'd you get beer
at a children's karate tournament?"

497
00:27:33,152 --> 00:27:35,780
So, Wallace, we should get to know each other better.

498
00:27:35,946 --> 00:27:37,414
Talk about the issues of our time.

499
00:27:37,573 --> 00:27:41,043
Gay marriage, abortion,
can men and women really be friends,

500
00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:43,078
or do you secretly want to bang Chantry?

501
00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:44,747
Thank you. She has a boyfriend.

502
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:47,382
- Yeah, who you threw out a window.
- By accident.

503
00:27:47,541 --> 00:27:50,010
Dude, listen, Ben is moving to Dublin,

504
00:27:50,169 --> 00:27:53,719
and your whole "if it starts dirty,
it ends dirty" thing is bullshit anyways.

505
00:27:53,881 --> 00:27:55,724
The night I met Allan, I was so into him,

506
00:27:55,883 --> 00:28:00,480
it wasn't till I woke up the next morning
that I remembered I had a boyfriend.

507
00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:02,355
Love is dirty, baby.

508
00:28:02,514 --> 00:28:03,936
Sometimes it's downright filthy.

509
00:28:05,225 --> 00:28:07,319
Oh, Christ.

510
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:31,919
Hey-

511
00:28:32,085 --> 00:28:34,304
I need to wear something to this company dinner

512
00:28:34,463 --> 00:28:37,057
with our production partners from Taiwan.

513
00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:38,308
What do you think?

514
00:28:38,467 --> 00:28:39,719
I think that's quite a dress.

515
00:28:39,885 --> 00:28:42,638
Do you think it's, like, a little too slutty for me?

516
00:28:42,804 --> 00:28:45,227
- No, nothing's too slutty for you.
- Can I help you?

517
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:47,859
Yeah, actually, I would like to try on that dress.

518
00:28:48,018 --> 00:28:50,567
We only have the one left, and it's a size two.

519
00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,731
- Are you a two?
- Yes.

520
00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:55,617
- I'm gonna get the measuring tape.
- I'm a two.

521
00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:25,980
Wallace?

522
00:29:26,723 --> 00:29:28,896
- Wallace.
- Yes?

523
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,607
Are you alone?

524
00:29:31,770 --> 00:29:33,147
Like, in the universe?

525
00:29:33,313 --> 00:29:35,361
No, in the hallway.

526
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:38,027
- Yes.
- Okay...

527
00:29:38,652 --> 00:29:41,747
- Do you need me to get someone?
- No, no, don't get anyone.

528
00:29:41,905 --> 00:29:44,704
I need you to come in here.

529
00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:45,913
What?

530
00:29:46,076 --> 00:29:47,578
I'm kind of stuck.

531
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:51,123
So I need you to crawl under, but keep your eyes closed.

532
00:29:51,290 --> 00:29:53,167
- Really?
- I am in a state of undress.

533
00:29:53,333 --> 00:29:55,051
- You need to close your eyes.
- Okay, okay.

534
00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:56,803
Do you promise to close your eyes?

535
00:29:56,962 --> 00:29:59,590
- Yes, I promise.
- Hurry.

536
00:30:01,508 --> 00:30:02,600
- What?
- I-- No--

537
00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:05,182
- Did you open your eyes?
- No, I just banged my head

538
00:30:05,345 --> 00:30:06,597
because my eyes are closed.

539
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:08,561
Okay, so here's what happened.

540
00:30:08,724 --> 00:30:11,398
I tried it on, and I think
it got hooked on my bra or something,

541
00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,608
- and now I can't get it off.
- Right.

542
00:30:13,770 --> 00:30:15,022
You're not gonna laugh, are you?

543
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:17,737
- I can't even see what's going on.
- Okay.

544
00:30:18,692 --> 00:30:20,035
Okay.

545
00:30:20,193 --> 00:30:23,413
- Are your eyes closed?
- Yes.

546
00:30:24,865 --> 00:30:26,617
I think you need to move a bit.

547
00:30:26,783 --> 00:30:28,785
There, yeah.

548
00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,637
- You're all right.
- No. It's stuck.

549
00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,724
Okay, okay.
Turn around, turn to me.

550
00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:48,855
Yeah.

551
00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:10,456
- Thank you.
- It's okay.

552
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,042
Should I hold that?

553
00:31:25,509 --> 00:31:27,728
Here, hold this.

554
00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:31,140
And keep your eyes closed.

555
00:31:36,728 --> 00:31:39,197
Oh, I love you so much,
I wanna just rip off your arms and legs

556
00:31:39,356 --> 00:31:41,074
and carry you around in my purse all day.

557
00:31:41,233 --> 00:31:43,531
I love you so much I want to grind up your muscles

558
00:31:43,693 --> 00:31:47,163
and organs and bones and spread you on toast.

559
00:31:47,322 --> 00:31:50,667
I love you so much I want to just cut
you open and scoop out your insides

560
00:31:50,826 --> 00:31:53,955
and wear your skin around town like an Allan suit.

561
00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:01,883
- Okay. Bye, Wallace.
- Bye, Nicole.

562
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:08,473
Can I talk to you about something?

563
00:32:11,096 --> 00:32:14,316
I just had sex.
I'm about to eat nachos!

564
00:32:14,474 --> 00:32:17,023
It's the greatest moment of my life!

565
00:32:17,352 --> 00:32:19,650
Unless you screw it up with whatever you're about to say.

566
00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:22,031
It's about your cousin.

567
00:32:22,190 --> 00:32:24,363
She's my cousin. It's like incest.

568
00:32:24,526 --> 00:32:25,698
Well, she's not my cousin.

569
00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:28,535
But you're like my brother,
so it's like my brother asking my advice

570
00:32:28,697 --> 00:32:30,290
on how to incestuously bang my cousin.

571
00:32:30,449 --> 00:32:32,122
No, I'm not. She--
She has a boyfriend.

572
00:32:32,284 --> 00:32:34,036
Yeah. Yeah. He's been coming over

573
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:36,751
for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the past five years.

574
00:32:36,913 --> 00:32:38,290
Okay, let me break it down for you.

575
00:32:38,457 --> 00:32:40,801
This perfect nacho chip is Ben.

576
00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:45,214
He works at the United Nations as
an expert in international copyright law.

577
00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:47,348
This moldy banana is you.

578
00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:50,226
I have no idea what you do.
Every time you tell me, I fall asleep.

579
00:32:50,385 --> 00:32:53,104
You know I write user manuals
for dedicated purchasing software.

580
00:32:53,263 --> 00:32:56,483
- Like copyright law is so exciting.
- At least he's an expert in something.

581
00:32:56,641 --> 00:32:58,268
What are you an expert in? Nothing.

582
00:32:58,643 --> 00:33:00,361
"There are no people anywhere in the world

583
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,522
seeking my advice on any subject."

584
00:33:02,689 --> 00:33:04,942
Ben's been dating Chantry for five years.

585
00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:06,155
They live together.

586
00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:07,695
They own furniture.

587
00:33:07,861 --> 00:33:09,955
They have a cat. You have nothing.

588
00:33:10,113 --> 00:33:11,456
You don't even have a plant.

589
00:33:11,615 --> 00:33:14,209
You've been single since that douche bag Megan

590
00:33:14,367 --> 00:33:15,619
broke your fragile little heart.

591
00:33:15,785 --> 00:33:17,753
Okay, okay.
I broke up with Megan, all right?

592
00:33:17,913 --> 00:33:19,665
She wanted to stay together and work it out.

593
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:21,708
I said no, so I dumped her.

594
00:33:22,709 --> 00:33:23,835
Of course you did.

595
00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,128
Anyway, I get it. It's fine.

596
00:33:25,295 --> 00:33:27,138
She's in a relationship.
Nothing's gonna happen.

597
00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:31,310
You totally killed my sex nacho high.

598
00:33:31,468 --> 00:33:32,845
So...

599
00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:34,729
Keys,

600
00:33:34,888 --> 00:33:37,141
wallet, there it is.

601
00:33:37,641 --> 00:33:38,688
Passport, phone.

602
00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:42,104
Keys, wallet and, yes, this.

603
00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:45,490
It's an open ticket to Dublin.
It's a five-hour flight.

604
00:33:45,649 --> 00:33:47,822
It's already paid for, so use it whenever you want,

605
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,531
even if it's just for a weekend,

606
00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:51,241
even if it's just for a day,

607
00:33:51,404 --> 00:33:53,122
even if it's just for a kiss.

608
00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:54,745
Okay?

609
00:34:05,919 --> 00:34:08,138
No, baby, baby, I got to go.
I got to go. The cab's here.

610
00:34:08,296 --> 00:34:11,140
I'm so sorry. I can't miss my flight.

611
00:34:11,299 --> 00:34:13,597
Okay, I'm so late. Okay?

612
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:15,637
Okay, baby?

613
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:19,023
Goodbye.

614
00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:23,896
- Love you.
- Love you too.

615
00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:25,814
Bye.

616
00:34:54,593 --> 00:34:56,937
<i>Hey, it's me.
Sorry I missed your call.</i>

617
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,517
<i>I'm in Berlin.</i>

618
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,603
<i>Hey, it's me. I'm in Munich.</i>

619
00:35:00,890 --> 00:35:03,814
<i>Hey, I'm in Prague.
I'm in Amsterdam. I'm in Florence.</i>

620
00:35:03,977 --> 00:35:05,854
<i>Hey, honey, I'm in Vienna now.</i>

621
00:35:07,397 --> 00:35:10,196
<i>I got your message.
Cell reception in Athens is a mess.</i>

622
00:35:10,358 --> 00:35:11,985
- <i>Did you get my postcard?</i>
- <i>Hey, it's me.</i>

623
00:35:12,152 --> 00:35:16,157
<i>Why don't you call me right before you
go to bed, even if it's a weird time here.</i>

624
00:35:16,323 --> 00:35:18,075
<i>I just want to hear your voice.</i>

625
00:35:31,004 --> 00:35:32,847
<i>So I finally got my cast off.</i>

626
00:35:33,006 --> 00:35:35,350
<i>My arm's all smelly and shriveled.</i>

627
00:35:35,508 --> 00:35:38,512
<i>If I felt you up, it'd be like you were
cheating on me with my evil twin.</i>

628
00:35:38,678 --> 00:35:41,101
Please, tell me more about how you want to molest me

629
00:35:41,264 --> 00:35:43,483
with your creepy, rancid freak arm.

630
00:35:43,642 --> 00:35:45,064
You'd love Dublin, though.

631
00:35:45,226 --> 00:35:47,069
They've got us all staying in the same building,

632
00:35:47,228 --> 00:35:49,697
so the whole office is basically living together,

633
00:35:49,856 --> 00:35:51,608
but I've already made some good friends.

634
00:35:51,775 --> 00:35:54,324
It's nice, but I just...

635
00:35:54,486 --> 00:35:55,988
You know, I miss you so much.

636
00:35:56,154 --> 00:35:57,781
Yeah, I know, I...

637
00:35:57,947 --> 00:35:59,949
I really miss you too.

638
00:36:00,283 --> 00:36:02,786
Look, I got to go, okay?

639
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:04,295
I love you.

640
00:36:04,454 --> 00:36:05,546
Okay.

641
00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:07,173
- <i>See</i> you.
- Okay.

642
00:36:07,332 --> 00:36:09,710
- <i>All right, speak tonight.</i>
- <i>All right, talk to you</i> then.

643
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,878
' BYE-bye.
- Bye.

644
00:36:12,462 --> 00:36:13,930
- Sorry.
- No worries.

645
00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:16,717
- Black for you, milk for me.
- Cheers.

646
00:36:18,385 --> 00:36:19,386
Yep.

647
00:36:19,761 --> 00:36:21,855
So is Ben settling in okay?

648
00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:24,482
Yeah, he's great. He's doing great.

649
00:36:24,641 --> 00:36:27,110
He's having a great time.

650
00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:29,987
Are you having a great time?

651
00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:33,867
Not really. I'm having
kind of a crappy time, actually.

652
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,699
- Sorry.
- Yep, this, right now,

653
00:36:36,861 --> 00:36:39,455
this is the high point of my social calendar.

654
00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:40,661
See, that is sad.

655
00:36:40,824 --> 00:36:44,920
I know. I've been thinking
about just starting drinking.

656
00:36:45,078 --> 00:36:46,125
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

657
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:47,288
- Heavily.
- Heavily.

658
00:36:47,789 --> 00:36:50,212
Do you need someone to start drinking with you?

659
00:36:50,750 --> 00:36:53,173
- Really?
- I'm very, very willing.

660
00:36:53,336 --> 00:36:55,304
You want to help me drown my sorrows?

661
00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:57,340
Of course. Absolutely.

662
00:36:57,507 --> 00:36:59,225
Done.

663
00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:07,442
Bottoms up.

664
00:37:09,686 --> 00:37:10,938
Oh, my God!

665
00:37:11,104 --> 00:37:12,151
- Horrible.
- Horrible.

666
00:37:12,313 --> 00:37:13,656
- As always.
- And cheap.

667
00:37:13,815 --> 00:37:16,864
All right, prospective person at this bar for you.

668
00:37:17,026 --> 00:37:19,495
I don't think anyone I'd like
would come to a place like this.

669
00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:20,701
You're here, Wallace.

670
00:37:20,864 --> 00:37:22,491
- Yeah, because you dragged me here.
- So?

671
00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:25,410
Look at this girl. She's so pretty.

672
00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:27,207
Oh, yeah.

673
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,998
- "Yeah." No, she's super pretty.
- Yeah. Oh, okay.

674
00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:32,634
You want me to go tell her that you have six nipples?

675
00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:34,294
- Yeah. No, you know what?
- All right.

676
00:37:34,461 --> 00:37:37,681
No, you know what? I'll do it myself.
It'll be easier coming from me.

677
00:37:37,839 --> 00:37:39,091
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

678
00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:41,305
- I'm sorry, hi.
- Hi.

679
00:37:41,468 --> 00:37:43,095
You've got amazing teeth.

680
00:37:43,553 --> 00:37:45,851
Sorry, can I buy this drink for you?

681
00:37:46,014 --> 00:37:47,982
Yeah, that's so sweet.

682
00:37:48,141 --> 00:37:50,018
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

683
00:37:50,185 --> 00:37:51,732
So...

684
00:37:53,396 --> 00:37:54,522
Burn.

685
00:37:54,689 --> 00:37:57,659
All right, weirdest place you've ever had sex.

686
00:37:57,817 --> 00:37:59,569
Bakery, night shift.

687
00:37:59,736 --> 00:38:03,081
<i>I will never be comfortable eating a cupcake again.</i>

688
00:38:03,281 --> 00:38:04,783
What about you?

689
00:38:05,825 --> 00:38:06,872
Ferris wheel.

690
00:38:07,035 --> 00:38:09,413
<i>Stuck at the very top.
We could see for miles around,</i>

691
00:38:09,871 --> 00:38:11,168
<i>but no one could see us.</i>

692
00:38:12,582 --> 00:38:14,926
Yes! Oh, yeah!

693
00:38:15,084 --> 00:38:16,757
Thank you for being so gracious in victory.

694
00:38:18,087 --> 00:38:19,714
Hand clasp of champions.

695
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,428
Rub it in.

696
00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:32,314
So how many serious relationships have you actually had?

697
00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,571
Four! Two in high school,

698
00:38:34,729 --> 00:38:37,949
and one in college before Ben, and then Ben.

699
00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:39,529
- You?
- Six?

700
00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:42,574
One in high school, one the summer after high school,

701
00:38:42,737 --> 00:38:44,614
three in college, and one since.

702
00:38:44,781 --> 00:38:46,749
No, sorry, two since. So seven.

703
00:38:46,908 --> 00:38:49,081
Are you usually the dumper or dumpee?

704
00:38:49,285 --> 00:38:52,459
Statistically, I'm a dumper, but it's
not like I've never been dumped.

705
00:38:52,622 --> 00:38:54,795
I've just been really good at knowing when to get out.

706
00:38:54,958 --> 00:38:57,837
- You?
- No, I've never dumped anyone.

707
00:38:58,002 --> 00:38:59,845
I always try to make it work.

708
00:39:00,380 --> 00:39:04,135
You know, I haven't hit the bar scene
in, like, a very long time.

709
00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:07,270
I thought it was gonna be the worst,
but that was surprisingly painless.

710
00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:09,726
I'm just sorry you didn't find true love tonight.

711
00:39:09,889 --> 00:39:11,766
Well, you can't have it all.

712
00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:14,812
And what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?

713
00:39:15,687 --> 00:39:17,314
The worst thing that's ever happened to me

714
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:20,484
is kind of the best thing that's ever happened to me.

715
00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,652
<i>Megan, you met the other day,</i>

716
00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:28,246
<i>I burst in on her making out with our,
frankly, gross anatomy professor,</i>

717
00:39:28,408 --> 00:39:34,086
<i>and I was like, "Wow, we actually are my parents.</i>

718
00:39:34,247 --> 00:39:35,794
<i>We are almost both doctors,</i>

719
00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:38,756
<i>and we're already
starting cheating on each other."</i>

720
00:39:38,918 --> 00:39:41,967
So I got out of there, and yeah.

721
00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:43,598
So, in a way, that became

722
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:45,804
the best thing that ever happened to me.

723
00:39:45,967 --> 00:39:49,562
So, what is the worst thing that ever happened to you?

724
00:39:50,763 --> 00:39:54,688
My mom died when I was in junior high.

725
00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:59,651
She had breast cancer.

726
00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:06,447
You don't realize how quickly
everything can fall apart until it does.

727
00:40:07,447 --> 00:40:11,293
Makes you never want to give up anything good ever again.

728
00:40:13,953 --> 00:40:16,047
Can I change my answer?

729
00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:17,707
The worst thing that happened to me

730
00:40:17,874 --> 00:40:19,501
is saying my lame relationship drama

731
00:40:19,667 --> 00:40:21,214
is the worst thing that happened to me,

732
00:40:21,377 --> 00:40:23,471
when something really awful happened to you.

733
00:40:23,630 --> 00:40:25,098
It's okay.

734
00:40:25,256 --> 00:40:27,384
I like your answer.

735
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,928
Plus, I get to be part of the worst part of your life now.

736
00:40:30,094 --> 00:40:31,471
That's really good.

737
00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:33,769
And for future reference, when the answer is

738
00:40:33,932 --> 00:40:36,560
your mom died of cancer, you should really go first.

739
00:40:37,393 --> 00:40:40,112
All right.
Thanks for the etiquette lesson.

740
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:41,989
No worries.

741
00:40:42,649 --> 00:40:44,322
Good night, Wallace.

742
00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:46,702
Good night, Chantry.

743
00:40:56,579 --> 00:40:58,752
You know, he has all these new experiences,

744
00:40:58,915 --> 00:41:00,792
he's meeting all these new people.

745
00:41:00,959 --> 00:41:02,381
And then,
“What's going on with you?"

746
00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:05,638
And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle
of my same old life,

747
00:41:05,797 --> 00:41:09,017
except, whoops,
my boyfriend's out of the country."

748
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:12,437
So Dalia was telling us about this Wallace guy...?

749
00:41:12,595 --> 00:41:13,596
We're friends.

750
00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:17,267
Well, no, I know, obviously
you guys are friends, but is he cute?

751
00:41:17,433 --> 00:41:18,685
Should you be introducing him

752
00:41:18,851 --> 00:41:20,649
to your single, desperate friends like me?

753
00:41:20,812 --> 00:41:23,065
No, no, I already called dibs on him.

754
00:41:23,231 --> 00:41:24,278
Why?

755
00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,319
He was supposed to be my rebound.
That's why it didn't work with Noel.

756
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,237
I needed a buffer between Rob and Noel.

757
00:41:29,404 --> 00:41:30,701
A buffer made of sex.

758
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:33,241
You little prostitute.

759
00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:35,706
- Dalia, you barely know him.
- Well, you know him.

760
00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:38,041
You hang out with him all the time, so he's not a loser.

761
00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:39,706
He hasn't made some creepy move on you,

762
00:41:39,872 --> 00:41:41,920
so we know he's not a creep.
He's vetted.

763
00:41:42,083 --> 00:41:44,962
Well, is he funny or smart?

764
00:41:45,128 --> 00:41:47,130
He's definitely smart.
He's not funny.

765
00:41:47,296 --> 00:41:49,173
He's, like, kind of, like, bantery.

766
00:41:49,340 --> 00:41:51,559
He's kind of like a male version of Chantry, actually.

767
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:53,937
- Oh, wait, so he's Mantry?
- Oh, no.

768
00:41:54,095 --> 00:41:56,268
- Yes, he is. He's totally Mantry.
- No. No, we're not--

769
00:41:56,431 --> 00:41:58,775
Dalia wants to have rebound sex
with her sister's man-twin.

770
00:41:58,933 --> 00:42:00,810
<i>Option one, make a move on her.</i>

771
00:42:00,977 --> 00:42:02,650
Bold, direct.

772
00:42:02,812 --> 00:42:05,440
If you're lucky, you hook up,
she feels guilty, breaks up with Ben.

773
00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:07,779
If you're unlucky, she's furious, ends your friendship.

774
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:09,159
- So be sleazy?
- Yeah.

775
00:42:09,318 --> 00:42:10,945
- You think that'll work?
- No.

776
00:42:11,112 --> 00:42:13,865
Even if she goes for it, she'll
resent you for getting her to cheat.

777
00:42:14,032 --> 00:42:16,285
She'll break up with him, won't go out with you, you're...

778
00:42:16,451 --> 00:42:18,453
- Sleazy.
- Yeah. Option two,

779
00:42:18,619 --> 00:42:20,542
be the guy she goes to for advice.

780
00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:23,128
The downside is you have to listen to her talk about Ben.

781
00:42:23,291 --> 00:42:26,090
The upside is you can slant your
advice to slowly turn her against him.

782
00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:27,299
- So be conniving?
- Yeah.

783
00:42:27,462 --> 00:42:28,634
- And that'll work?
- Maybe.

784
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:30,514
Maybe she'll see through it, think you're...

785
00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:31,674
- Conniving?
- Yeah.

786
00:42:31,841 --> 00:42:34,765
Option three, patiently wait it out.

787
00:42:34,927 --> 00:42:37,100
Either the distance gets to them and they break up,

788
00:42:37,263 --> 00:42:40,358
or it doesn't, and they get married, live a happy life,

789
00:42:40,516 --> 00:42:45,272
with you always on the outside
looking in, quietly pining indefinitely.

790
00:42:45,438 --> 00:42:47,156
- So be pathetic?
- Yeah.

791
00:42:47,315 --> 00:42:48,362
That sounds fun.

792
00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:50,697
Well, it's got the advantage of not being unethical,

793
00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:52,203
but the disadvantage of being...

794
00:42:52,361 --> 00:42:53,487
- Pathetic.
- Yeah.

795
00:42:53,654 --> 00:42:57,375
So your advice is be sleazy, conniving or pathetic.

796
00:42:58,785 --> 00:43:01,914
Well, when you put it that way,
it doesn't sound like very good advice.

797
00:43:06,334 --> 00:43:08,336
- Oh, my God.
- Do you like it?

798
00:43:09,295 --> 00:43:10,763
Well, it's not my engagement ring.

799
00:43:10,922 --> 00:43:13,471
- It's whether she'll like it.
- I think she'll love it.

800
00:43:13,633 --> 00:43:15,306
Then you're made for each other.

801
00:43:15,468 --> 00:43:18,642
Why'd you get all snaky when we
were talking about Wallace earlier?

802
00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:20,724
<i>I...</i>

803
00:43:20,890 --> 00:43:22,142
Come on.

804
00:43:22,934 --> 00:43:24,106
Look, you just, like--

805
00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:27,488
You don't have the greatest
track record with guys. That's all.

806
00:43:27,647 --> 00:43:29,649
I'm gonna break his heart, mess up your friendship?

807
00:43:29,816 --> 00:43:30,817
No.

808
00:43:30,983 --> 00:43:32,701
So you think I'm not good enough for him?

809
00:43:32,860 --> 00:43:35,363
Obviously not.
That's obviously not what it is.

810
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:37,373
Okay, some of us aren't as lucky as you and Ben.

811
00:43:37,532 --> 00:43:40,081
Some of us just want a guy
that doesn't make us feel like crap.

812
00:43:40,243 --> 00:43:41,290
There is a fourth option.

813
00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:42,624
- Yeah?
- Be honest.

814
00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:43,959
Tell her how you feel.

815
00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:46,216
It might ruin the friendship, but at least

816
00:43:46,374 --> 00:43:48,593
you stood up like a man and expressed your feelings.

817
00:43:48,751 --> 00:43:51,254
Wait, I'm sorry.
Since when does being a man

818
00:43:51,420 --> 00:43:53,013
involve expressing your feelings?

819
00:43:53,172 --> 00:43:54,719
Did I miss a memo?
Because if I recall,

820
00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:57,101
being a man meant hiding your feelings forever.

821
00:43:57,260 --> 00:43:59,854
Like Bruce Willis. You never see
Bruce Willis expressing feelings.

822
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:02,265
The most you ever get out of Bruce is a hint of melancholy

823
00:44:02,431 --> 00:44:04,229
- at the edge of a smirk.
- Do you think Bruce

824
00:44:04,392 --> 00:44:06,941
would be happy just being friends?

825
00:44:07,103 --> 00:44:09,947
A hundred percent honesty
is the foundation of any relationship.

826
00:44:10,106 --> 00:44:11,858
You are a hundred percent honest with Nicole?

827
00:44:12,024 --> 00:44:13,321
- Yes. Yep.
- About everything?

828
00:44:13,484 --> 00:44:16,488
New Orleans, 2006?
What was her name? Favia?

829
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:19,032
Yeah, she did look like a woman, to be fair.

830
00:44:19,198 --> 00:44:22,042
Ninety-nine percent honesty
is the foundation of any relationship.

831
00:44:22,201 --> 00:44:25,751
You know, it's not worth the risk,
not if it means losing her as a friend.

832
00:44:25,913 --> 00:44:27,756
- Well, so then it's option five.
- What's that?

833
00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:29,667
You move on.

834
00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:46,067
Hello.

835
00:44:46,225 --> 00:44:47,226
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

836
00:44:48,644 --> 00:44:50,021
Hello, welcome.

837
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:51,656
Welcome to our engagement party.

838
00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:56,741
We are so happy to have everybody
we care about together in one space.

839
00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:59,281
Here's the thing, we both
really want to get married, but--

840
00:44:59,447 --> 00:45:02,417
But we hate weddings. Every wedding
I've been to has completely sucked.

841
00:45:03,034 --> 00:45:06,163
Sorry, Aunt Cathy, Uncle Drew and Olivia.

842
00:45:06,329 --> 00:45:09,879
And we don't like long engagements,
so we are getting married

843
00:45:10,041 --> 00:45:11,509
here, tonight.

844
00:45:12,919 --> 00:45:14,592
Zella is our registered civil officiant.

845
00:45:14,754 --> 00:45:18,600
Oh, and, Mom, I got your wedding
dress altered. I hope that's okay.

846
00:45:18,758 --> 00:45:20,431
Becky's gonna be Nicole's maid of honor.

847
00:45:20,593 --> 00:45:22,220
- Wallace
- Here!

848
00:45:22,386 --> 00:45:24,480
Is gonna be my best man.
Thank you very much.

849
00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:26,687
Everyone stay away
from my Uncle Herman. All right.

850
00:45:33,356 --> 00:45:36,109
Okay, I-- Like, I don't need you
finger-combing my wisps. I'm serious.

851
00:45:36,275 --> 00:45:37,618
- You look pretty.
- Nicole?

852
00:45:37,777 --> 00:45:38,949
I've been sent to get an ETA.

853
00:45:39,111 --> 00:45:40,488
- Oh, is that Wallace?
- Yes.

854
00:45:40,655 --> 00:45:42,407
Just come in.

855
00:45:42,573 --> 00:45:43,745
Oh, wow, you look amazing.

856
00:45:43,908 --> 00:45:45,160
Yes. Becky, seriously,

857
00:45:45,326 --> 00:45:47,203
if I don't get some alcohol, I'm gonna panic.

858
00:45:47,370 --> 00:45:48,997
- Hey, I'll go.
- No, no, no, you stay.

859
00:45:49,163 --> 00:45:52,258
Becky's more nervous than I am, and
frankly, it's wigging me out. Now, go.

860
00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:54,881
You, stay, talk to me.

861
00:45:58,381 --> 00:46:00,804
- So...
- So?

862
00:46:01,509 --> 00:46:03,853
- So?
- What?

863
00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:05,388
Why are you torturing yourself

864
00:46:05,554 --> 00:46:08,774
over a ten-second conversation with
Chantry that would answer everything?

865
00:46:08,933 --> 00:46:09,980
It's your wedding day.

866
00:46:10,142 --> 00:46:12,440
- Can we talk about you?
- Exactly. It's my wedding day.

867
00:46:12,603 --> 00:46:14,401
As best man, it's your job to keep me calm

868
00:46:14,563 --> 00:46:17,032
so that I don't crawl out that window
and go and bang a sailor.

869
00:46:17,191 --> 00:46:19,569
- Where are you gonna find a sailor?
- At the dock.

870
00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,492
God, what's the best-case scenario?

871
00:46:22,655 --> 00:46:26,080
"Wallace, I love you. Let's have sex
forever until we die having sex"?

872
00:46:26,242 --> 00:46:27,459
That is the best-case scenario.

873
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:29,666
Okay, and what's
the worst-case scenario?

874
00:46:29,829 --> 00:46:31,172
"Wallace, you shit-drizzling liar.

875
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:34,584
This whole time, you've just been
trying to put your junk inside my trunk."

876
00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:36,423
The phrase “put your junk inside my trunk"

877
00:46:36,585 --> 00:46:38,303
actually would be
the worst-case scenario.

878
00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:41,466
Look, the one thing I like about getting married

879
00:46:41,632 --> 00:46:44,226
is that you get to stand up
in front of everyone you care about

880
00:46:44,385 --> 00:46:48,765
and state, for the record, that you
believe in the best-case scenario.

881
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:51,517
It terrifies me,

882
00:46:51,684 --> 00:46:53,357
but that's why the outfits are so nice.

883
00:46:54,437 --> 00:46:56,110
Okay.

884
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:00,902
- Thanks.
- Cheers.

885
00:47:20,129 --> 00:47:23,599
I got her. She's mine. My wife.

886
00:47:24,175 --> 00:47:25,927
Yeah. Mommy!

887
00:47:26,552 --> 00:47:28,520
I can't believe no one stopped that.

888
00:47:28,679 --> 00:47:29,726
Nice.

889
00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:35,821
And I learned a lot of lessons that night
about gambling addictions

890
00:47:35,978 --> 00:47:37,605
and identity theft

891
00:47:37,772 --> 00:47:40,446
and the Romanian legal system,

892
00:47:40,608 --> 00:47:45,580
but the most important lesson I learned was from Nicole,

893
00:47:45,738 --> 00:47:48,036
and it was about friendship.

894
00:47:48,199 --> 00:47:49,701
I love you, Nicole.

895
00:47:50,368 --> 00:47:52,621
Oh, so much fun.

896
00:47:54,330 --> 00:47:56,048
Look at you.
You didn't even practice.

897
00:47:56,707 --> 00:47:58,175
- Go, Wallace!
- Go, Wallace!

898
00:47:58,334 --> 00:47:59,961
Thank you, thank you.

899
00:48:00,378 --> 00:48:04,849
To those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend,

900
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:08,227
it seems impossible that any woman
could handle him for an hour,

901
00:48:08,386 --> 00:48:09,729
let alone a lifetime.

902
00:48:10,346 --> 00:48:11,973
And then you meet Nicole,

903
00:48:12,139 --> 00:48:14,267
and that is the good news here.

904
00:48:14,475 --> 00:48:16,318
If these two can find each other,

905
00:48:16,477 --> 00:48:19,731
then there truly is somebody for everyone.

906
00:48:19,897 --> 00:48:21,865
The bad news is that one day, they will procreate,

907
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,618
and their hideous offspring
will obviously cause the Apocalypse.

908
00:48:24,944 --> 00:48:27,663
But tonight, we celebrate the good news.

909
00:48:27,822 --> 00:48:31,372
I remember the night Allan and Nicole met,

910
00:48:31,534 --> 00:48:34,708
and that instant connection.

911
00:48:34,870 --> 00:48:36,918
You know, if you're lucky,

912
00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:38,253
it happens once in a lifetime,

913
00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:42,966
and if you're unlucky, then you have to come to weddings

914
00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:44,802
and hear people like me talking about it,

915
00:48:44,964 --> 00:48:47,888
and assume that we are all hopeless romantics.

916
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,809
It's very easy to be cynical about love,

917
00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:54,474
but this, tonight,

918
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:56,108
this is hard.

919
00:48:57,893 --> 00:48:59,611
So to Allan and Nicole,

920
00:48:59,770 --> 00:49:01,693
for making the hard way look easy.

921
00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:04,826
- Cheers!
- To Allan and Nicole.

922
00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:09,155
All right, thanks, everyone.

923
00:49:10,364 --> 00:49:11,741
Yep. That's it.

924
00:49:26,672 --> 00:49:28,640
Perfect timing.

925
00:50:02,041 --> 00:50:05,420
Are you sure?
It's so near here for me.

926
00:50:05,586 --> 00:50:08,339
Oh, yeah, no, I'm all about
the door-to-door service.

927
00:50:09,715 --> 00:50:11,092
Okay.

928
00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:14,895
- Can you let me out?
- Sure.

929
00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:16,476
Oh, gosh. German cars.

930
00:50:19,141 --> 00:50:21,018
Good night.

931
00:50:21,727 --> 00:50:23,479
Wallace, you clean up nice.

932
00:50:23,646 --> 00:50:25,899
Yes, so do you.

933
00:50:26,482 --> 00:50:28,155
- Okay.
- Good night.

934
00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:32,530
Bye.

935
00:50:32,696 --> 00:50:33,913
- Bye.
- Bye.

936
00:50:48,087 --> 00:50:50,590
Great. Thank you very much.

937
00:50:51,423 --> 00:50:52,970
Listen,

938
00:50:53,425 --> 00:50:56,053
I don't think it's a good idea for me
to come inside with you.

939
00:50:57,179 --> 00:50:59,557
- What?
- Don't get all mad.

940
00:50:59,723 --> 00:51:02,192
Because if you're gonna get mad,
I guess we could make out,

941
00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:04,854
- but we are not having sex.
- No.

942
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:07,485
I'm not sure that's a good idea.

943
00:51:07,648 --> 00:51:09,696
Why? Because I won't
have sex with you?

944
00:51:09,858 --> 00:51:11,906
That's really nice, Wallace.

945
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,491
No, that's not what I meant.

946
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:16,661
I know, I'm just kidding.

947
00:51:16,824 --> 00:51:19,748
Oh, right.
What part are you kidding about?

948
00:51:19,910 --> 00:51:22,584
- All of it.
- I'm very confused by this conversation.

949
00:51:22,997 --> 00:51:25,045
Fine, let's go inside.

950
00:51:31,005 --> 00:51:34,930
- Dude, my sister. Sweet score.
- No, this isn't what it looks like.

951
00:51:35,551 --> 00:51:38,304
Well, okay.
Yeah, it is, it is what it looks like.

952
00:51:38,470 --> 00:51:42,850
She's super-hot. Plus, she's 99 percent
genetically identical to me, so...

953
00:51:43,309 --> 00:51:47,780
Anyway, have fun making out with my sister.

954
00:51:47,938 --> 00:51:50,532
Actually, just FYI, if you do go through with this,

955
00:51:50,691 --> 00:51:52,659
you can be pretty much absolutely positive

956
00:51:52,818 --> 00:51:56,539
I will never, ever, ever, ever have sex with you ever.

957
00:52:00,993 --> 00:52:02,290
<i>Ever!</i>

958
00:52:02,453 --> 00:52:03,500
I'm sorry.

959
00:52:03,662 --> 00:52:09,044
Dalia, I-- Look, I think--
I think you're great, but I can't do this.

960
00:52:09,209 --> 00:52:11,803
"Great"?
You think I'm great? I don't--

961
00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:13,805
I don't throw myself at guys, like, ever.

962
00:52:13,964 --> 00:52:16,934
I made an exception for you because
you were cute, and you think I'm great?

963
00:52:17,092 --> 00:52:18,639
Great?

964
00:52:18,802 --> 00:52:20,395
- Get the fuck out!
- Sorry.

965
00:52:20,763 --> 00:52:21,855
God, get your...

966
00:52:22,348 --> 00:52:23,725
- Get out faster!
- Okay, I'm going.

967
00:52:24,308 --> 00:52:25,981
I can't believe I got a Brazilian for this!

968
00:52:26,143 --> 00:52:28,111
Goodbye!

969
00:52:28,270 --> 00:52:29,271
Jesus.

970
00:52:43,827 --> 00:52:47,172
- <i>Hello?</i>
- Ben. <i>Hi.</i>

971
00:52:47,331 --> 00:52:48,753
- <i>Hi. Are you okay?</i>
- <i>Hi.</i>

972
00:52:48,916 --> 00:52:50,589
<i>It's the middle of the night there.</i>

973
00:52:50,751 --> 00:52:52,094
I'm really good.

974
00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:55,096
I'm really just a little bit drunk.

975
00:52:55,297 --> 00:52:56,514
- Okay, but--
- And I'm wearing

976
00:52:56,674 --> 00:53:00,053
such a fancy, fancy dress.

977
00:53:00,219 --> 00:53:01,721
- <i>I</i> see.
- Hang on a second.

978
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:02,934
- But--
- Hang on a second.

979
00:53:03,097 --> 00:53:04,895
Listen very closely, okay?

980
00:53:05,057 --> 00:53:07,435
- Okay.
- Really closely.

981
00:53:07,601 --> 00:53:09,069
<i>But...</i>

982
00:53:11,647 --> 00:53:13,149
- Do you hear that?
- <i>I</i> can, but--

983
00:53:13,315 --> 00:53:17,946
That's the sound of me unzipping
my very, very fancy dress...

984
00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:21,207
- Well, that's good <i>news.</i>
- ...that I happen to be wearing

985
00:53:21,365 --> 00:53:23,868
really cute panties under.

986
00:53:24,034 --> 00:53:25,786
- <i>You</i> are?
- And also, like, a bra

987
00:53:25,953 --> 00:53:28,957
that totally, totally matches.

988
00:53:29,123 --> 00:53:32,627
- Chantry...
- Can you picture me in them?

989
00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:35,546
Hey, can you picture me out of them?

990
00:53:35,713 --> 00:53:37,340
I-- I-- I definitely can.

991
00:53:37,506 --> 00:53:41,056
The thing is, I'm just in the middle
of the Brazilian presentation now.

992
00:53:41,218 --> 00:53:44,563
That's not to say I don't fully support the concept.

993
00:53:44,722 --> 00:53:46,770
It sounds very interesting.

994
00:53:46,932 --> 00:53:51,608
And I would love to continue
discussing it at a later time.

995
00:53:52,020 --> 00:53:54,148
Okay, I'll confirm. Bye.

996
00:53:57,443 --> 00:53:59,787
Sir. Please, carry on.

997
00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:01,659
- It's good?
- Oh, yeah.

998
00:54:24,344 --> 00:54:27,314
You never asked me what happened
with Wallace the other night.

999
00:54:27,473 --> 00:54:29,851
I'm respecting your privacy.

1000
00:54:30,225 --> 00:54:33,024
He's a big, stupid, fat jerk.

1001
00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:34,814
I hate him.

1002
00:54:34,980 --> 00:54:36,277
Okay.

1003
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,067
He propositioned me.

1004
00:54:38,233 --> 00:54:42,363
He said, like, dirty, disgusting
things he wanted to do to me.

1005
00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:44,497
Me, your little sister.

1006
00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:45,782
That's so terrible.

1007
00:54:45,949 --> 00:54:48,122
I know, and so I told him, "I'm not that kind of girl,"

1008
00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:49,753
and he just, like, flew into a rage,

1009
00:54:49,912 --> 00:54:53,542
and he attacked me and tried to break
all my fingers and poke my eyeballs out.

1010
00:54:53,707 --> 00:54:55,709
So the cops had to come and pull him off me.

1011
00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:57,628
- The cops came?
- Yeah.

1012
00:54:57,795 --> 00:55:00,674
And then he just shot them all
in the face, and they all died.

1013
00:55:00,839 --> 00:55:03,262
And some of them had kids
and they'll never know their father.

1014
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:05,393
He didn't even care.
He was just, like, laughing

1015
00:55:05,552 --> 00:55:07,975
and shooting them all, and he had a huge chubby.

1016
00:55:08,263 --> 00:55:10,641
And then he said he was gonna
come to your house and kill you

1017
00:55:10,808 --> 00:55:12,276
while you were sleeping.

1018
00:55:12,434 --> 00:55:15,438
Yeah, that sounds exactly like Wallace.

1019
00:55:15,604 --> 00:55:17,606
Have you talked to him lately?

1020
00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:19,366
No.

1021
00:55:20,484 --> 00:55:22,282
So he didn't say anything about me

1022
00:55:22,444 --> 00:55:24,913
completely humiliating myself in front of him?

1023
00:55:25,739 --> 00:55:27,707
No.

1024
00:55:27,866 --> 00:55:29,493
He's a big, stupid, ugly jerk,

1025
00:55:29,660 --> 00:55:31,628
and you shouldn't be friends with him anymore.

1026
00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:33,460
Okay.

1027
00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:36,584
Look how pregnant I can make myself look.

1028
00:55:38,919 --> 00:55:40,262
You want to feel my baby?

1029
00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:42,138
It's so hard.

1030
00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:44,049
- Oh, my God, it kicked.
- Shut up.

1031
00:55:44,967 --> 00:55:47,015
I'm gonna make you raise it.

1032
00:55:51,306 --> 00:55:52,353
<i>I'm firing Josh.</i>

1033
00:55:52,516 --> 00:55:54,564
<i>The Taiwan team hates him, nobody listens to him.</i>

1034
00:55:54,726 --> 00:55:57,570
On the plus side, I hear
he's banging enough Taiwanese girls

1035
00:55:57,729 --> 00:55:59,276
to qualify for the douche bag Olympics.

1036
00:55:59,439 --> 00:56:00,691
So there's a silver lining.

1037
00:56:00,858 --> 00:56:02,610
That's unfortunate.

1038
00:56:02,776 --> 00:56:05,871
I need someone full-time in Taiwan
to clean up Josh's mess.

1039
00:56:06,029 --> 00:56:07,076
I want it to be you.

1040
00:56:07,239 --> 00:56:08,832
I mean, this whole thing is your concept.

1041
00:56:08,991 --> 00:56:10,993
If we had had you as project manager from the start,

1042
00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:13,207
- we'd have saved a lot of time.
- Honestly, I just--

1043
00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:16,544
I don't even know if I would enjoy
being the project manager, so...

1044
00:56:16,707 --> 00:56:18,584
You get an apartment, car, language lessons.

1045
00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:20,172
- Yeah.
- Obviously a raise.

1046
00:56:20,335 --> 00:56:22,008
I need your answer by the end of the month.

1047
00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:25,470
And to be clear, this is the last time
I offer you a promotion.

1048
00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:28,101
Okay. I got it.

1049
00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:30,516
Holly.

1050
00:56:32,097 --> 00:56:33,849
I'm gonna think about it, I promise.

1051
00:56:40,689 --> 00:56:44,034
So I was reading this thing about how,

1052
00:56:44,192 --> 00:56:48,038
when they were trying to name Cool Whip,

1053
00:56:48,196 --> 00:56:51,120
they came up with 10,000 ideas.

1054
00:56:51,283 --> 00:56:53,627
Like, they brainstormed 10,000 ideas.

1055
00:56:53,785 --> 00:56:55,458
And none of them were as good as Cool Whip?

1056
00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,589
No, Cool Whip was the best.
That's what they said.

1057
00:56:57,748 --> 00:57:00,968
And they said, "Just try to, like,
think of, like, ten of your own,

1058
00:57:01,126 --> 00:57:04,676
just to see, like, how hard it is."

1059
00:57:05,464 --> 00:57:06,886
- Cool Puff.
- Puffy Whip.

1060
00:57:07,049 --> 00:57:08,426
- Creamy Dream.
- Zit Topping.

1061
00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:09,969
- Angel Puff.
- Angel Gas.

1062
00:57:10,135 --> 00:57:12,763
Bruce Springscream
and the E-Foam Band.

1063
00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:15,058
- Puffin' Lovin'.
- Dump That Puff on My Face.

1064
00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:16,725
Whip-Master Cool
and the Puff Brigade.

1065
00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:18,314
Stuff Me with Puff.

1066
00:57:18,477 --> 00:57:19,854
Sir Puff-A-Lot's Whipped Foam.

1067
00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:21,067
Non-Hodgkin's Cream-Foam-A.

1068
00:57:21,229 --> 00:57:24,904
- Shove This Shit on Food.
- Whip-- Whippy-- Whippy Pippitins.

1069
00:57:26,568 --> 00:57:28,115
- So how many is that?
- I don't know.

1070
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:29,871
- Yeah, it's not that hard.
- No.

1071
00:57:30,030 --> 00:57:32,408
- No.
- Let's go swimming.

1072
00:57:34,159 --> 00:57:37,538
- I didn't bring my suit, did you?
- No.

1073
00:57:37,955 --> 00:57:40,174
- We should take our clothes off?
- Yeah.

1074
00:57:41,500 --> 00:57:43,047
- Are you gonna come get me?
- Yeah!

1075
00:57:43,210 --> 00:57:45,463
Are you gonna come get me?

1076
00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:47,631
You're hitting me.

1077
00:57:47,798 --> 00:57:50,142
It's warm. It's very warm.

1078
00:57:50,300 --> 00:57:52,678
It's cold. It's cold. It's cold.

1079
00:57:52,844 --> 00:57:55,142
<i>It's cold!</i>

1080
00:57:56,056 --> 00:57:57,774
Allan!

1081
00:58:00,978 --> 00:58:02,446
Don't.

1082
00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:09,112
Do you want to go swimming?

1083
00:58:10,696 --> 00:58:12,414
Yeah.

1084
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:22,128
Do you think it'll be cold?

1085
00:58:22,290 --> 00:58:23,883
Yep.

1086
00:58:54,698 --> 00:58:57,076
You've got a tattoo.

1087
00:58:57,242 --> 00:58:58,869
Yeah.

1088
00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:02,873
- Yeah, it's--
- I know, it's...

1089
00:59:03,457 --> 00:59:05,505
It's your mom, right?

1090
00:59:08,879 --> 00:59:10,301
- Oh, God.
- What?

1091
00:59:10,464 --> 00:59:12,387
Something just--
Something just touched my foot.

1092
00:59:12,549 --> 00:59:14,017
- Okay.
- No, it was really gross.

1093
00:59:14,176 --> 00:59:15,678
- Okay.
- It's not funny.

1094
00:59:15,844 --> 00:59:16,845
That was funny.

1095
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:28,357
Oh, yeah.

1096
00:59:30,233 --> 00:59:32,031
Wallace?

1097
00:59:33,028 --> 00:59:34,496
Yes?

1098
00:59:35,113 --> 00:59:37,332
I'll look if you look.

1099
00:59:39,951 --> 00:59:41,294
Okay.

1100
01:00:04,309 --> 01:00:06,357
Where are our clothes?

1101
01:00:07,104 --> 01:00:10,699
- Did we drift further down?
- No, the fire's right there.

1102
01:00:12,692 --> 01:00:15,320
Yeah, they took our clothes.

1103
01:00:27,582 --> 01:00:29,084
Oh, God.

1104
01:00:35,966 --> 01:00:37,843
The car is gone.

1105
01:00:38,009 --> 01:00:40,262
God, how'd it get so cold?
It wasn't cold at all before.

1106
01:00:40,428 --> 01:00:42,180
It was, like, a warm night.

1107
01:00:42,347 --> 01:00:45,442
Okay, you keep the sleeping bag
and I will figure something out.

1108
01:00:45,600 --> 01:00:48,069
No, I can't let you just, like,
spend the night on the sand,

1109
01:00:48,228 --> 01:00:52,574
like, all cold and wet and naked like a walrus.

1110
01:00:53,150 --> 01:00:54,652
Do you think that's funny?

1111
01:00:55,026 --> 01:00:57,245
Do you think this is, like, some hilarious prank

1112
01:00:57,404 --> 01:01:00,499
played on us by our wacky pals?
Because I don't.

1113
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:02,455
I thought you were trying to lighten the mood

1114
01:01:02,617 --> 01:01:04,915
with a mildly amusing joke involving a walrus.

1115
01:01:05,078 --> 01:01:08,048
I'm sorry if I misunderstood the
seriousness of your walrus reference.

1116
01:01:08,206 --> 01:01:09,423
Don't be an asshole.

1117
01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:12,177
- I'm not being an asshole.
- You are. You are being an asshole.

1118
01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:15,805
You're not taking this seriously, and
you're treating it like a joke, and it's not.

1119
01:01:15,964 --> 01:01:19,468
There is a line, a line that should not
be crossed, and they crossed it.

1120
01:01:19,634 --> 01:01:22,513
And you know what? Treating it
like a joke is being an asshole.

1121
01:01:22,679 --> 01:01:25,023
I'm not treating this like a joke,
I'm not being an asshole.

1122
01:01:25,182 --> 01:01:27,310
Allan is being an asshole, Nicole is being an asshole,

1123
01:01:27,475 --> 01:01:29,022
and right now, you are being an asshole.

1124
01:01:29,186 --> 01:01:31,029
Me?
I'm standing here with a branch.

1125
01:01:31,188 --> 01:01:34,863
A branch that cuts down 0 percent
of the wind-chill factor on my dick.

1126
01:01:35,025 --> 01:01:36,777
I've got a branch, you've got a sleeping bag.

1127
01:01:36,943 --> 01:01:39,071
How does that make me an asshole?

1128
01:01:39,821 --> 01:01:42,040
- Fine.
- Fine? What does "fine" mean?

1129
01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:44,998
Fine. It means we'll share.

1130
01:02:06,640 --> 01:02:08,859
- Chantry?
- What?

1131
01:02:09,351 --> 01:02:11,649
They brought our clothes back.

1132
01:02:27,494 --> 01:02:29,167
I'll never doubt you again.

1133
01:02:35,669 --> 01:02:38,172
Hey, you guys have fun last night?

1134
01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:44,431
Hey-

1135
01:02:46,721 --> 01:02:49,270
- Sleep well?
- You're an asshole.

1136
01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:16,190
Ben.

1137
01:04:17,437 --> 01:04:19,030
Chantry?

1138
01:04:21,733 --> 01:04:23,406
Julianne is part of the Argentinean team.

1139
01:04:23,610 --> 01:04:25,578
She lives in the apartment next door.

1140
01:04:25,737 --> 01:04:28,365
A bunch of us went for a drink after
work, I was helping her home.

1141
01:04:28,531 --> 01:04:32,081
- Ben, I'm not accusing you of anything.
- You need not worry about his fidelity.

1142
01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:35,087
I'm not some beautiful but morally corrupt Argentine girl.

1143
01:04:35,246 --> 01:04:36,793
Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

1144
01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:39,459
Because I wanted to surprise you.

1145
01:04:39,959 --> 01:04:40,960
Surprise.

1146
01:04:41,127 --> 01:04:43,926
Okay, I need to go to my apartment now,

1147
01:04:44,089 --> 01:04:46,933
and stuff old socks in my ears

1148
01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:49,220
so I don't hear your lovemaking through the wall.

1149
01:04:49,386 --> 01:04:51,229
And I'm keeping this meat.

1150
01:04:51,805 --> 01:04:54,058
Good night. Sorry, you startled me.

1151
01:04:54,224 --> 01:04:56,397
This isn't how I planned to welcome you to Dublin.

1152
01:04:56,935 --> 01:04:58,312
Are you still startled?

1153
01:04:58,478 --> 01:05:00,196
Should I get you some warm milk?

1154
01:05:02,232 --> 01:05:03,859
Welcome to Dublin.

1155
01:05:52,282 --> 01:05:55,081
So I was reading this thing about

1156
01:05:55,243 --> 01:05:57,792
how when they were trying to come up
with the name for Cool Whip,

1157
01:05:57,954 --> 01:06:00,127
- they brainstormed 10,000 ideas--
- What is Cool Whip?

1158
01:06:00,290 --> 01:06:02,543
It's a kind of processed cream.
Comes in a spray can.

1159
01:06:02,709 --> 01:06:03,756
Or in a tub.

1160
01:06:03,918 --> 01:06:05,010
I've had the Cool Whip.

1161
01:06:05,170 --> 01:06:07,639
I prefer the fresh whipped cream.

1162
01:06:07,797 --> 01:06:10,550
Well, when they were trying to come
up with the name for that product,

1163
01:06:10,717 --> 01:06:13,470
they brainstormed 10,000 ideas,

1164
01:06:13,636 --> 01:06:17,641
and they said, "Try to come up with ten
of your own just to see how hard it is."

1165
01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:21,482
Like Puffy Whip,
or Whip-- Wiffy Puff.

1166
01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:24,193
Puffy Air. Whippy Air.

1167
01:06:24,814 --> 01:06:26,157
Cow Mixture?

1168
01:06:26,316 --> 01:06:28,410
- Sweet Dreams?
- Sweet Dreams.

1169
01:06:28,985 --> 01:06:30,532
Cotton Vul-candy-cow?

1170
01:06:30,695 --> 01:06:31,947
That could be one.

1171
01:06:32,113 --> 01:06:33,740
Cloudy Cow?

1172
01:06:34,949 --> 01:06:38,328
So you must be really proud of our Benji.

1173
01:06:38,495 --> 01:06:40,293
- Yeah.
- He has the Brazilians on the run.

1174
01:06:40,997 --> 01:06:43,625
You know he has the whole negotiation in his hands?

1175
01:06:43,791 --> 01:06:46,089
We're so happy that he's able to stay another six months.

1176
01:06:46,252 --> 01:06:48,596
And his Portuguese is really coming on.

1177
01:06:48,755 --> 01:06:51,725
He's going to be so good
by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro...

1178
01:06:51,883 --> 01:06:53,385
<i>I haven't accepted the offer yet.</i>

1179
01:06:53,551 --> 01:06:56,145
Obviously, I was planning
on talking to you about it first,

1180
01:06:56,304 --> 01:06:58,056
but I mean, I love it here.

1181
01:06:58,223 --> 01:07:02,273
Not just the work.
The people, the culture, the music.

1182
01:07:02,435 --> 01:07:04,108
You never asked me to move here with you.

1183
01:07:04,270 --> 01:07:06,193
When you got the job, you never asked me to come.

1184
01:07:06,356 --> 01:07:07,983
I didn't want to ask you to quit a job.

1185
01:07:08,149 --> 01:07:10,151
- And I mean, you never offered.
- You never asked.

1186
01:07:10,318 --> 01:07:12,992
Well, okay, I'm asking you now.

1187
01:07:13,154 --> 01:07:15,373
I mean, there must be animation companies here.

1188
01:07:15,532 --> 01:07:17,375
I couldn't do that to Holly.
She's been generous

1189
01:07:17,534 --> 01:07:19,161
giving me this week to make my decision.

1190
01:07:19,327 --> 01:07:22,627
Okay, so take the job.
It doesn't have to be a bad thing.

1191
01:07:22,789 --> 01:07:24,132
You'd be in Taipei, I'd be here.

1192
01:07:24,290 --> 01:07:25,382
We can meet in the middle.

1193
01:07:25,542 --> 01:07:26,589
Like in Toronto?

1194
01:07:26,751 --> 01:07:30,130
No, like Tel Aviv, Istanbul, Mumbai...

1195
01:07:30,296 --> 01:07:33,140
It'll be a story we can tell our kids.

1196
01:07:33,383 --> 01:07:35,886
- It's romantic.
- Sounds lonely.

1197
01:07:36,052 --> 01:07:39,898
Look, I'm just trying to make this work, okay?

1198
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:41,937
Don't you wanna make this work?

1199
01:07:50,441 --> 01:07:52,864
Did you guys want to borrow some of my balls?

1200
01:07:53,194 --> 01:07:56,949
I think someone sharted
and it might be Mrs. Cole.

1201
01:07:57,115 --> 01:07:59,584
<i>Everyone, check.
Check. Shart check.</i>

1202
01:07:59,742 --> 01:08:01,710
You can look it up on Urban Dictionary.

1203
01:08:01,869 --> 01:08:05,373
Fail. You couldn't find that stone
if it was in your kidney.

1204
01:08:05,540 --> 01:08:07,588
I can see your back acne through your blouse.

1205
01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:11,220
Look at you just drunkenly
spewing out joy like a shit Santa.

1206
01:08:11,379 --> 01:08:14,303
- Yep.
- That's you now, yeah?

1207
01:08:16,050 --> 01:08:18,348
Nicole's spending the night at Becky's.

1208
01:08:18,511 --> 01:08:20,605
We had a fight.

1209
01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:23,896
First fight as a married couple.

1210
01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,023
You want a beer?

1211
01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:27,732
Sure.

1212
01:08:34,902 --> 01:08:36,654
So...

1213
01:08:38,865 --> 01:08:41,459
I'm sorry, okay?

1214
01:08:41,618 --> 01:08:44,371
I let Nicole talk me into it,
even though I knew it was a bad idea.

1215
01:08:44,537 --> 01:08:45,584
I'm not like you.

1216
01:08:45,747 --> 01:08:48,546
I can't hook up with somebody
if they're already with someone else.

1217
01:08:48,708 --> 01:08:51,211
It's wrong. It was wrong
when my parents did it to each other,

1218
01:08:51,377 --> 01:08:52,879
it was wrong when Megan did it to me.

1219
01:08:53,046 --> 01:08:55,014
It was wrong when you and Nicole did it to her ex.

1220
01:08:55,173 --> 01:08:57,847
You don't think the fact
that we got married kind of justifies it?

1221
01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,808
Not unless you want to be married to
someone who doesn't mind cheating.

1222
01:09:00,970 --> 01:09:03,473
Hey, that's my wife, okay?

1223
01:09:03,640 --> 01:09:06,985
Nicole talks a good game, but she's
been hurt like everybody else.

1224
01:09:07,143 --> 01:09:08,895
Her ex was a dick.

1225
01:09:09,062 --> 01:09:10,439
He treated her real bad.

1226
01:09:10,605 --> 01:09:11,652
It's complicated.

1227
01:09:11,814 --> 01:09:14,533
All this love shit's complicated.
And that's good.

1228
01:09:14,692 --> 01:09:17,036
Because if it's too simple, you've got no reason to try.

1229
01:09:17,195 --> 01:09:19,948
And if you got no reason to try, you don't.

1230
01:09:21,991 --> 01:09:24,164
Wait, I just described you.

1231
01:09:25,328 --> 01:09:27,171
You know what? Maybe you're right.

1232
01:09:27,330 --> 01:09:29,958
But either way, you're an asshole, Allan.

1233
01:09:36,589 --> 01:09:38,432
Hit a three-pointer.

1234
01:09:53,648 --> 01:09:55,946
- Hi.
- Hi.

1235
01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:57,736
Come in or whatever.

1236
01:10:00,988 --> 01:10:02,706
I just jogged over here to feed the cat.

1237
01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:04,913
If I don't shower right away my pores get all clogged

1238
01:10:05,076 --> 01:10:07,420
and I get this, like, zit nest on my forehead.

1239
01:10:07,578 --> 01:10:09,546
So why are you feeding the cat?

1240
01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:11,128
So it doesn't starve to death.

1241
01:10:11,290 --> 01:10:13,793
- But why can't Chantry feed it?
- Because she flew to Dublin.

1242
01:10:14,794 --> 01:10:16,717
She flew to Dublin?

1243
01:10:16,879 --> 01:10:18,802
Yes, of course she did.

1244
01:10:20,091 --> 01:10:21,183
You like her.

1245
01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:24,270
You like Chantry.

1246
01:10:24,429 --> 01:10:26,477
Get in the shower.
I can see your blackheads here.

1247
01:10:26,639 --> 01:10:29,392
No, don't get all snooty with me
just because you're so busted.

1248
01:10:29,559 --> 01:10:31,106
Look, I'm not in love with your sister.

1249
01:10:31,269 --> 01:10:34,022
You are a nice-ish guy,

1250
01:10:34,188 --> 01:10:37,067
and you're amusing, but Chantry loves Ben.

1251
01:10:37,233 --> 01:10:39,736
They're gonna get married and live happily ever after.

1252
01:10:40,361 --> 01:10:43,365
You're just gonna be this guy that she
was friends with for a couple months.

1253
01:10:43,531 --> 01:10:46,751
"What was his name...?
Walter? I don't know."

1254
01:10:46,909 --> 01:10:49,913
So you just need to do whatever
you need to do to get over it, okay?

1255
01:10:50,288 --> 01:10:52,837
Because it's never gonna happen.

1256
01:11:08,473 --> 01:11:11,852
<i>Welcome to Dublin and thank you for flying with us.</i>

1257
01:11:32,622 --> 01:11:33,965
Okay.

1258
01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:40,801
She's gone.

1259
01:11:42,590 --> 01:11:45,844
Is she coming back?

1260
01:11:59,941 --> 01:12:02,694
<i>Hey, Wallace, it's Chantry.
I'm getting on a plane right now,</i>

1261
01:12:02,860 --> 01:12:04,862
<i>and I'm wondering if you're free for lunch tomorrow</i>

1262
01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:08,283
<i>at, like, noon, at the George Street Diner?</i>

1263
01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:11,415
<i>There's something I want to talk to you about.</i>

1264
01:12:12,578 --> 01:12:16,424
Shit! Shit! Shit!

1265
01:12:16,582 --> 01:12:17,629
Taxi!

1266
01:12:19,961 --> 01:12:21,053
George Street Diner.

1267
01:12:22,213 --> 01:12:23,635
Shit.

1268
01:12:27,969 --> 01:12:29,516
Excuse me.

1269
01:12:43,901 --> 01:12:45,903
- Hi.
- Hey.

1270
01:12:47,238 --> 01:12:49,206
Oh, my God, what did you do to yourself?

1271
01:12:49,365 --> 01:12:52,494
Oh, ninja attack.

1272
01:12:52,660 --> 01:12:53,707
Those stupid ninjas.

1273
01:12:53,870 --> 01:12:55,042
- I know.
- I hate them.

1274
01:12:55,204 --> 01:12:58,003
Me too. Very annoying.

1275
01:13:00,167 --> 01:13:01,840
Oh, thank you.

1276
01:13:02,003 --> 01:13:03,596
I'm good.

1277
01:13:05,590 --> 01:13:07,558
- How you doing?
- Hi.

1278
01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:09,810
So I went to Dublin, right?

1279
01:13:09,969 --> 01:13:12,313
- Right. Yes.
- Yes. Listen,

1280
01:13:12,471 --> 01:13:14,064
there's a bunch of stuff going on with me

1281
01:13:14,223 --> 01:13:16,772
that I haven't told you about because

1282
01:13:16,934 --> 01:13:20,029
I haven't been sure what the right thing to do is.

1283
01:13:20,187 --> 01:13:21,780
Wallace, your face just looks terrible.

1284
01:13:21,939 --> 01:13:25,614
Oh, no, don't worry about it, really.
What were you gonna say?

1285
01:13:26,319 --> 01:13:29,698
Okay, so-- Just that--

1286
01:13:30,865 --> 01:13:34,745
I've been having to do a lot of
big-picture thinking about...

1287
01:13:35,453 --> 01:13:37,547
Wallace, seriously, I cannot concentrate

1288
01:13:37,705 --> 01:13:38,877
because of your mangled head.

1289
01:13:39,040 --> 01:13:41,134
What did you do to yourself?

1290
01:13:41,292 --> 01:13:43,386
Did you hit yourself with something?

1291
01:13:43,544 --> 01:13:44,921
Car accident?

1292
01:13:45,087 --> 01:13:47,556
Did you walk into a door...?

1293
01:13:50,051 --> 01:13:51,268
Ben punched me.

1294
01:13:52,803 --> 01:13:54,976
I flew to Dublin.

1295
01:14:00,436 --> 01:14:01,688
Why did you fly to Dublin?

1296
01:14:02,563 --> 01:14:06,443
To tell you how I feel about you.

1297
01:14:07,652 --> 01:14:10,246
- That's not why.
- Well, I wanted to be honest with you.

1298
01:14:10,404 --> 01:14:12,156
You could have been honest with me any time.

1299
01:14:12,615 --> 01:14:16,586
You flew to Dublin to break up me and Ben.

1300
01:14:17,119 --> 01:14:18,712
Right?

1301
01:14:21,457 --> 01:14:24,711
How long have you felt this way?

1302
01:14:26,253 --> 01:14:28,676
Pretty much since the clay we met.

1303
01:14:31,258 --> 01:14:33,932
So when I said "I have a boyfriend
and I just want to be friends"

1304
01:14:34,095 --> 01:14:36,689
and you said that's what you wanted too, that was a lie?

1305
01:14:36,889 --> 01:14:38,266
No. No. I wanted that to be true.

1306
01:14:38,474 --> 01:14:40,317
But it wasn't.
You never wanted to be my friend.

1307
01:14:40,476 --> 01:14:46,028
We are friends. I haven't just been
trying to put my junk inside your trunk.

1308
01:14:47,108 --> 01:14:50,282
I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy,
but you're totally that kind of guy.

1309
01:14:50,444 --> 01:14:53,243
God, he must think I'm such an idiot.
You must think I'm such an idiot.

1310
01:14:53,406 --> 01:14:54,658
- Of course not.
- I trusted you.

1311
01:14:54,824 --> 01:14:57,998
I trusted we were what we said we were: friends.

1312
01:14:58,160 --> 01:15:00,128
But you can't be friends if you're skulking around

1313
01:15:00,287 --> 01:15:01,960
waiting for some opportunity to screw them.

1314
01:15:02,123 --> 01:15:04,171
No. Look,
what are you talking about?

1315
01:15:04,333 --> 01:15:06,711
I'm not--
It's not like you've caught me

1316
01:15:06,877 --> 01:15:09,756
bathing in orphan blood or masturbating in your kitchen.

1317
01:15:09,922 --> 01:15:11,595
I just...

1318
01:15:11,757 --> 01:15:14,556
I like you a little bit more romantically than I let on.

1319
01:15:14,719 --> 01:15:15,766
It's not a crime.

1320
01:15:16,554 --> 01:15:19,558
And if it is, you're not exactly innocent.

1321
01:15:20,307 --> 01:15:21,559
What's that supposed to mean?

1322
01:15:21,976 --> 01:15:24,946
You crossed all the same lines I did,
and I was single. You weren't.

1323
01:15:25,479 --> 01:15:27,698
I've never cheated on anybody.

1324
01:15:27,857 --> 01:15:30,280
And now you're making me feel like
I somehow cheated on Ben?

1325
01:15:30,443 --> 01:15:31,535
Wait. Hold on.

1326
01:15:31,694 --> 01:15:33,492
I'm making you feel like that?

1327
01:15:33,654 --> 01:15:36,203
What, and you did nothing
that I might possibly misconstrue?

1328
01:15:36,365 --> 01:15:39,289
That night on the beach?
"I'll look if you look"?

1329
01:15:39,452 --> 01:15:40,920
<i>I mean...</i>

1330
01:15:41,078 --> 01:15:42,421
What, did you tell Ben about that?

1331
01:15:48,502 --> 01:15:50,004
That was a mistake.

1332
01:15:50,171 --> 01:15:52,390
This was a mistake.

1333
01:15:54,050 --> 01:15:55,097
- I'm leaving.
- Please.

1334
01:15:55,259 --> 01:15:57,603
- No, Chantry, please--
- No, I'm leaving the country.

1335
01:15:57,762 --> 01:15:58,979
- You're moving to Dublin?
- No.

1336
01:15:59,305 --> 01:16:01,524
I've been offered a job in Taiwan.

1337
01:16:01,682 --> 01:16:03,025
I'm putting my career first.

1338
01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:06,188
So I'll be gone soon, for a year.

1339
01:16:06,937 --> 01:16:08,780
Maybe more.

1340
01:16:09,398 --> 01:16:12,026
It's a really big promotion.

1341
01:16:14,528 --> 01:16:16,496
Congratulations.

1342
01:16:21,410 --> 01:16:22,457
See you around, Wallace.

1343
01:16:36,008 --> 01:16:38,431
- Uncle Wallace?
- Not right now, Felix.

1344
01:16:38,594 --> 01:16:42,519
- Can I talk to you?
- Felix, I said not right now.

1345
01:16:42,681 --> 01:16:45,025
I'm having a bad life.

1346
01:16:47,019 --> 01:16:48,521
What are you doing that's so important

1347
01:16:48,687 --> 01:16:50,689
that you don't have time for your nephew?

1348
01:16:50,856 --> 01:16:52,233
I'm not the kid's dad, all right?

1349
01:16:52,399 --> 01:16:54,697
- He's your responsibility, not mine.
- Fine.

1350
01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:56,112
I'm a bad mom.

1351
01:16:56,278 --> 01:16:57,655
And when Felix grows up,

1352
01:16:57,822 --> 01:17:00,245
he can blame me for all his problems

1353
01:17:00,407 --> 01:17:01,829
and the circle of life can continue.

1354
01:17:01,992 --> 01:17:03,585
I'm doing the best I can.

1355
01:17:03,744 --> 01:17:06,418
Which is all any of us can do, except you.

1356
01:17:06,580 --> 01:17:09,504
You are not doing
the best you can do. You--

1357
01:17:09,959 --> 01:17:12,508
What's wrong? What's wrong?
Are you choking?

1358
01:17:13,254 --> 01:17:15,052
Okay, I'm gonna try and Heimlich you.

1359
01:17:16,298 --> 01:17:18,266
Okay. Again.

1360
01:17:18,467 --> 01:17:19,810
Big one.

1361
01:17:19,969 --> 01:17:21,516
Oh, God.

1362
01:17:28,060 --> 01:17:31,155
Ellie, you know you're not a bad morn, right?

1363
01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:35,159
It wasn't my plan that you should be
my son's primary male role model.

1364
01:17:35,484 --> 01:17:37,202
But you are.

1365
01:17:40,114 --> 01:17:41,787
Mine.

1366
01:17:42,575 --> 01:17:44,452
Gross.

1367
01:17:44,618 --> 01:17:46,791
This expired months ago.

1368
01:17:46,954 --> 01:17:49,298
Yeah, it's probably Ben's.

1369
01:17:49,832 --> 01:17:52,460
So that's it?
You're just gonna throw it away?

1370
01:17:52,877 --> 01:17:54,845
Let me guess, we're not talking about salsa.

1371
01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:57,177
I just think you're making a huge mistake.

1372
01:17:57,339 --> 01:18:00,388
- You really think Taiwan's a mistake?
- Yes, I do.

1373
01:18:00,551 --> 01:18:03,145
I think you're totally screwing up your life, actually.

1374
01:18:16,734 --> 01:18:18,452
Or not, maybe?

1375
01:18:18,611 --> 01:18:20,613
I just don't have any idea what I'm doing.

1376
01:18:20,779 --> 01:18:23,578
I'm gonna be all the way over there,
and I'm not gonna have anybody.

1377
01:18:23,741 --> 01:18:26,836
I'm gonna be all alone, and I'm gonna
have all these huge responsibilities,

1378
01:18:26,994 --> 01:18:29,292
and then...
And you're gonna be so far away.

1379
01:18:29,455 --> 01:18:30,707
And Ben and...

1380
01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:35,837
And there's, you know...

1381
01:18:38,047 --> 01:18:39,424
Wallace?

1382
01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:42,468
Yeah.

1383
01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:45,638
Yeah. Have you heard from him?

1384
01:18:45,804 --> 01:18:49,058
No, but I think I messed it up really bad.

1385
01:18:49,225 --> 01:18:51,648
I called him a liar.

1386
01:18:51,810 --> 01:18:53,403
And I think that I might be the liar.

1387
01:18:53,562 --> 01:18:55,360
- No.
- Yes.

1388
01:18:55,522 --> 01:18:58,241
I mean, I think it might count as lying
if you lie to yourself.

1389
01:18:58,400 --> 01:19:00,528
No. Come here.

1390
01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:05,328
Everything might have turned out for the best.

1391
01:19:05,491 --> 01:19:09,212
I'm...
I'm going back to med school.

1392
01:19:09,370 --> 01:19:13,375
- I sent in my application today.
- So you just gave up?

1393
01:19:13,540 --> 01:19:16,293
No. I'm not giving up. I'm going--

1394
01:19:16,460 --> 01:19:18,963
I'm getting back to the life
I was supposed to have by now.

1395
01:19:19,129 --> 01:19:21,803
When you're old and wrinkled
and your penis doesn't work anymore--

1396
01:19:21,966 --> 01:19:23,309
Not that it's in great shape now.

1397
01:19:23,467 --> 01:19:27,938
--But in that old, wrinkled, dickless
future, will this seem like the right call?

1398
01:19:28,305 --> 01:19:31,559
Yes. I'll think dropping out of med
school because of a girl was stupid.

1399
01:19:31,725 --> 01:19:34,774
Not chasing after a girl who doesn't
want me was definitely smart.

1400
01:19:34,937 --> 01:19:35,984
I'm a doctor now.

1401
01:19:36,146 --> 01:19:40,117
I've saved probably millions of lives,
because I'm brilliant.

1402
01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:42,199
I cured the zombie epidemic.
You remember that?

1403
01:19:42,361 --> 01:19:44,363
I found the cure, so you can just all be grateful,

1404
01:19:44,530 --> 01:19:47,124
shut up and stop questioning my decisions.

1405
01:19:48,033 --> 01:19:49,660
What?

1406
01:19:49,827 --> 01:19:52,671
Well, it was supposed to be a secret,

1407
01:19:52,830 --> 01:19:58,508
but loose lips over here knocked me up.

1408
01:19:58,669 --> 01:20:01,639
Oh, shit. You got a baby in you.

1409
01:20:01,797 --> 01:20:03,674
- Yeah, I know. I know.
- Congratulations!

1410
01:20:03,841 --> 01:20:06,219
Oh, that means the Apocalypse has really started.

1411
01:20:06,385 --> 01:20:08,058
That's great.

1412
01:20:08,887 --> 01:20:11,891
And you're the first person we told,
so you can't be mad at us anymore.

1413
01:20:13,225 --> 01:20:16,149
You have to forgive pregnant people
for anything they've ever done to you.

1414
01:20:16,312 --> 01:20:18,280
- It's like a federal law.
- Deal.

1415
01:20:19,106 --> 01:20:20,528
I can't wait to meet this kid.

1416
01:20:20,691 --> 01:20:22,238
Yeah.

1417
01:20:23,152 --> 01:20:25,996
And we're having a going-away party
for Chantry,

1418
01:20:26,155 --> 01:20:28,408
and you should come to it to say goodbye.

1419
01:20:30,909 --> 01:20:32,206
No.

1420
01:20:32,369 --> 01:20:35,088
No, we already said our goodbyes.

1421
01:21:01,982 --> 01:21:04,576
- Wallace?
- No.

1422
01:21:09,990 --> 01:21:11,458
- It's nice.
- So slutty.

1423
01:21:11,617 --> 01:21:13,244
- No, it's not.
- Yeah, it is.

1424
01:21:40,521 --> 01:21:43,946
No, I think mine are normal and yours are tiny.

1425
01:21:54,243 --> 01:21:55,244
I don't want you to leave.

1426
01:21:55,411 --> 01:21:57,584
- No.
- Me neither.

1427
01:22:00,332 --> 01:22:01,675
I'm sorry I'm late.

1428
01:22:03,961 --> 01:22:05,679
Bye. Skype me.

1429
01:22:05,838 --> 01:22:07,511
Be careful. Take care of yourselves.

1430
01:22:07,673 --> 01:22:09,846
- I'm never gonna Skype.
- Call me tomorrow.

1431
01:22:10,008 --> 01:22:11,681
Bye.

1432
01:22:15,472 --> 01:22:17,474
- Hey.
- Hey.

1433
01:22:22,354 --> 01:22:24,402
- How are you?
- I'm great. How are you?

1434
01:22:24,565 --> 01:22:26,738
- Good.
- Good.

1435
01:22:27,943 --> 01:22:31,288
So your new job is going to be amazing.

1436
01:22:31,447 --> 01:22:32,994
And you get to live in Asia.

1437
01:22:33,157 --> 01:22:35,159
- Yeah.
- I hear Taiwan is incredible.

1438
01:22:35,325 --> 01:22:37,544
Yeah, and you're gonna go back to med school.

1439
01:22:37,703 --> 01:22:38,750
Yeah. Yes.

1440
01:22:38,912 --> 01:22:41,040
That is so great.

1441
01:22:42,332 --> 01:22:44,050
You think so?

1442
01:22:44,918 --> 01:22:47,091
No. Actually,
I've always hated doctors,

1443
01:22:47,254 --> 01:22:49,552
so I pretty much think you've become the Antichrist.

1444
01:22:49,715 --> 01:22:51,558
Right. And Taiwan is shit.

1445
01:22:51,717 --> 01:22:53,845
That was-- Everything I said
a second ago was a lie.

1446
01:22:54,011 --> 01:22:55,729
And you're gonna have an awful time because

1447
01:22:55,888 --> 01:22:59,108
Chantry means "syphilitic woman."

1448
01:22:59,266 --> 01:23:00,643
Well, at least it will be accurate.

1449
01:23:00,809 --> 01:23:02,982
- Yeah, right. Exactly.
- Yeah.

1450
01:23:03,145 --> 01:23:05,694
So how long until you see people just as, like,

1451
01:23:05,856 --> 01:23:08,075
slabs of meat that you can cut up and sew back together,

1452
01:23:08,233 --> 01:23:10,736
and not, like, actual people with, like, real feelings?

1453
01:23:10,903 --> 01:23:12,405
Oh, God, hopefully as soon as possible.

1454
01:23:12,571 --> 01:23:14,118
I mean, I've been practicing at night

1455
01:23:14,281 --> 01:23:16,909
on tiny, defenseless animals and homeless people.

1456
01:23:17,075 --> 01:23:19,453
Oh, good. That's actually what
homeless people are there for.

1457
01:23:19,620 --> 01:23:20,963
- Yes, I know.
- Yeah.

1458
01:23:21,121 --> 01:23:23,840
- They're all just bodies in waiting.
- Especially for a sociopath.

1459
01:23:23,999 --> 01:23:26,172
Especially for-- Yeah, that--
But that's been my goal,

1460
01:23:26,335 --> 01:23:28,337
as you know: just to feel nothing.

1461
01:23:28,504 --> 01:23:32,304
Yeah, it wouldn't be such a bad idea sometimes.

1462
01:23:33,258 --> 01:23:34,510
- So Dublin--
- It's okay.

1463
01:23:34,676 --> 01:23:36,394
No, it's not. I'm really sorry.

1464
01:23:36,553 --> 01:23:40,399
It was stupid, and I know Ben is
a good guy and he didn't deserve that.

1465
01:23:41,225 --> 01:23:43,774
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

1466
01:23:43,977 --> 01:23:45,229
So are you two okay?

1467
01:23:47,272 --> 01:23:49,445
I'm not sure.

1468
01:23:50,609 --> 01:23:52,828
About anything.

1469
01:23:57,783 --> 01:24:00,707
So I got really creative
when I was cleaning out my fridge.

1470
01:24:00,869 --> 01:24:02,792
- Did you?
- And...

1471
01:24:02,955 --> 01:24:04,753
<i>I...</i>

1472
01:24:06,250 --> 01:24:08,252
I made you that.

1473
01:24:15,884 --> 01:24:18,933
It's-- It's Fool's Gold.

1474
01:24:19,096 --> 01:24:24,193
I even coated the loaf in butter as you are supposed to.

1475
01:24:24,351 --> 01:24:26,695
That's the real thing.

1476
01:24:28,230 --> 01:24:29,607
I can't believe you did this.

1477
01:24:32,401 --> 01:24:35,029
This is your going-away present.

1478
01:25:02,055 --> 01:25:04,274
I don't know what to say.

1479
01:25:07,769 --> 01:25:11,649
So I've thought a lot about something you said.

1480
01:25:11,815 --> 01:25:15,365
About how, when you realize how quickly

1481
01:25:15,527 --> 01:25:17,450
everything can fall apart,

1482
01:25:17,613 --> 01:25:21,743
it makes you never want to give up
anything good ever again.

1483
01:25:22,784 --> 01:25:25,628
Whatever this is between us,

1484
01:25:27,039 --> 01:25:29,292
it is good.

1485
01:25:29,458 --> 01:25:30,459
It is so good.

1486
01:25:30,626 --> 01:25:35,052
It is actually the best thing
that has ever happened to me,

1487
01:25:35,213 --> 01:25:38,012
and I don't want it to be over.

1488
01:25:42,471 --> 01:25:45,224
I don't want it to be over, either.

1489
01:25:52,564 --> 01:25:55,283
I kind of wish, you know, like,

1490
01:25:56,610 --> 01:26:00,285
we could invent a time machine or something.

1491
01:26:01,573 --> 01:26:03,667
- If we ever invent time travel,
- Yeah?

1492
01:26:03,825 --> 01:26:06,749
I would go back to the night we met.

1493
01:26:07,371 --> 01:26:09,840
- You would?
- Yes.

1494
01:26:15,045 --> 01:26:17,764
What would you do differently?

1495
01:26:18,590 --> 01:26:20,263
Nothing.

1496
01:26:23,387 --> 01:26:25,185
Me too.

1497
01:27:21,486 --> 01:27:23,739
Hey, Walter.

1498
01:27:24,781 --> 01:27:26,374
- Wallace.
- Oh, sorry.

1499
01:27:26,533 --> 01:27:28,410
It's just so weird seeing you here.

1500
01:27:28,577 --> 01:27:29,624
Yeah, really weird.

1501
01:27:29,786 --> 01:27:31,538
- Where have you just come in from?
- Taiwan.

1502
01:27:31,705 --> 01:27:33,207
You've been in Taiwan this whole time?

1503
01:27:33,373 --> 01:27:38,095
Yeah, I was, and then I was doing
some traveling with my fiancé.

1504
01:27:38,587 --> 01:27:39,679
You got engaged?

1505
01:27:39,838 --> 01:27:40,885
Yeah.

1506
01:27:41,506 --> 01:27:42,849
Yeah, no, me too.

1507
01:27:43,008 --> 01:27:45,511
I don't know why I did that.
I have nothing on this hand.

1508
01:27:45,677 --> 01:27:47,600
So who is the incredibly lucky guy?

1509
01:27:47,763 --> 01:27:50,812
He's just this dude who stalked me all the way to Taiwan.

1510
01:27:50,974 --> 01:27:53,443
That's a coincidence. I followed
my fiancee to Taiwan as well,

1511
01:27:53,602 --> 01:27:56,151
but I made out with her sister first.
I'm a badass.

1512
01:27:56,313 --> 01:27:57,986
Come here.

1513
01:28:00,525 --> 01:28:02,948
<i>Oh. my God! Oh, my God!</i>
<i>Oh, my God!</i>

1514
01:28:03,403 --> 01:28:06,703
I'm so happy you're home!

1515
01:28:11,745 --> 01:28:12,871
She loved it.

1516
01:28:13,079 --> 01:28:14,672
She loved it.

1517
01:28:30,388 --> 01:28:31,935
Three!

1518
01:28:33,725 --> 01:28:35,898
Oh, please, he's not even a real doctor.

1519
01:28:36,061 --> 01:28:37,734
He's a real doctor.
He finished his degree.

1520
01:28:37,896 --> 01:28:40,866
- Allan, in Asia. We're not Asian.
- It's legitimate medical training.

1521
01:28:41,024 --> 01:28:42,901
- Wine, please.
- Here, ask him.

1522
01:28:43,985 --> 01:28:45,908
After you have a baby, if you eat the placenta,

1523
01:28:46,071 --> 01:28:47,414
does it count as cannibalism?

1524
01:28:47,572 --> 01:28:49,290
You know it's not a medical question, right?

1525
01:28:49,449 --> 01:28:52,373
If a baby's hand is bigger
than its face, will it have cancer?

1526
01:28:52,536 --> 01:28:54,755
No, it just means your baby has massive hands.

1527
01:28:56,289 --> 01:28:59,509
- What's going on here?
- Oh, Jesus.

1528
01:28:59,960 --> 01:29:04,887
Oh, it smells bad. Wait, can you write
us a prescription or not? Oh, God.

1529
01:29:05,048 --> 01:29:06,345
There goes my husband.

1530
01:29:06,508 --> 01:29:08,306
I can't believe you have a husband.

1531
01:29:08,468 --> 01:29:11,017
- It's crazy.
- You're weirding me out.

1532
01:29:11,972 --> 01:29:13,690
- Hey.
- So...

1533
01:29:13,849 --> 01:29:15,021
Careful. Give me your hand.

1534
01:29:15,183 --> 01:29:19,689
You're basically up here alone, like a total loser.

1535
01:29:19,855 --> 01:29:22,108
Yeah, but who's the bigger loser?
Me for escaping up here,

1536
01:29:22,274 --> 01:29:25,403
- or you for agreeing to marry me?
- No, that's me.

1537
01:29:27,070 --> 01:29:30,745
If I fell, do you think I'd die,
or just become massively paralyzed?

1538
01:29:30,907 --> 01:29:32,033
Probably just paralyzed.

1539
01:29:32,200 --> 01:29:35,579
You'd be so screwed. Because
you'd have to stay married to me.

1540
01:29:35,745 --> 01:29:37,292
If you didn't, people would be like:

1541
01:29:37,455 --> 01:29:39,378
"He divorced his wife immediately after

1542
01:29:39,541 --> 01:29:41,589
she became paralyzed
from the waist down."

1543
01:29:41,751 --> 01:29:43,173
- From the waist down?
- Yeah.

1544
01:29:43,336 --> 01:29:45,555
So everything would still work down there, though, right?

1545
01:29:45,714 --> 01:29:48,137
Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be able
to feel anything, but...

1546
01:29:48,300 --> 01:29:50,394
I really don't even need you to feel anything now.

1547
01:29:50,552 --> 01:29:53,055
I don't want the sex to be too good right away.

1548
01:29:53,221 --> 01:29:55,599
I'm intentionally being much worse
in bed than I actually am

1549
01:29:55,765 --> 01:29:57,688
so that it can just keep getting better forever.

1550
01:29:57,851 --> 01:30:00,570
But, like, very slowly, over many, many decades

1551
01:30:00,729 --> 01:30:02,481
so that we hit our sexual peak in our 90s.

1552
01:30:02,647 --> 01:30:04,524
Yeah. That's the plan, actually,

1553
01:30:04,691 --> 01:30:10,789
is if the last time we have sex is also
the best and that it actually kills you.

1554
01:30:10,947 --> 01:30:12,745
That wouldn't be such a bad way to go.

1555
01:30:14,492 --> 01:30:17,962
- We should head back soon, right?
- Yes.

1556
01:30:19,205 --> 01:30:22,209
Or we could stay here for another minute.

1557
01:30:23,793 --> 01:30:26,216
Or maybe, like, forever.