1
00:00:01,868 --> 00:00:03,634
Archer.

2
00:00:03,634 --> 00:00:06,580
Code name -- duchess.

3
00:00:08,646 --> 00:00:12,170
Knowfrom berlin to bangkok as

4
00:00:12,170 --> 00:00:15,425
The world's most dangerous spy.

5
00:00:15,425 --> 00:00:21,455
So for us, this is -
how you say? -- "A good get."

6
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,940
But not so good for you,

7
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:27,762
Mr. Archer, because you have
information that I want.

8
00:00:27,762 --> 00:00:30,888
And this may be old cliché, but...

9
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:35,746
...we have ways of making you talk.

10
00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:38,027
What, your little go-kart battery?

11
00:00:38,027 --> 00:00:39,405
Golf cart. Whatever.

12
00:00:39,405 --> 00:00:41,104
Would you pick an accent and stick with it?

13
00:00:41,104 --> 00:00:43,853
Listen here, you little -- son of a bitch!

14
00:00:43,853 --> 00:00:45,599
Now you did it.

15
00:00:50,505 --> 00:00:53,175
What is the point of these simulations...

16
00:00:53,175 --> 00:00:54,035
Crenshaw's arousal?

17
00:00:54,035 --> 00:00:56,348
...if you don't take them seriously?!

18
00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:57,356
How can I?!

19
00:00:57,356 --> 00:00:59,760
Between his lame accent
and the go-kart battery.

20
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,123
Golf cart! Shut up.

21
00:01:01,123 --> 00:01:03,151
And speaking of lame, my code name --

22
00:01:03,151 --> 00:01:05,951
Was chosen at random by the isis computer.

23
00:01:05,951 --> 00:01:08,077
Random? It was your dog's name.

24
00:01:08,077 --> 00:01:10,290
Ohh, duchess.

25
00:01:11,183 --> 00:01:13,262
I loved her so much.

26
00:01:13,262 --> 00:01:14,909
That it was creepy and pathetic?

27
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,594
And if you were half as smart as she was --

28
00:01:17,594 --> 00:01:19,937
She wasn't too smart to
die from eating chocolate!

29
00:01:19,937 --> 00:01:20,574
Was she?

30
00:01:20,574 --> 00:01:21,961
Exercise terminated!

31
00:01:21,961 --> 00:01:23,007
All right, that's lunch, then.

32
00:01:23,007 --> 00:01:26,571
Agent performance -- unsatisfactory!

33
00:01:26,571 --> 00:01:28,272
At worst, that was "Needs improvement."

34
00:01:28,272 --> 00:01:29,334
Jesus, archer.

35
00:01:29,334 --> 00:01:30,436
You think this is a game?

36
00:01:30,436 --> 00:01:31,912
No, I think jenga's a game.

37
00:01:31,912 --> 00:01:33,756
What if I'd been real kgb?

38
00:01:33,756 --> 00:01:35,573
I assume you'd be trying
to suck a promotion out

39
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,240
Of some russian guy's cock!

40
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:38,937
Well, maybe I never get omoted..

41
00:01:38,937 --> 00:01:39,586
And never will.

42
00:01:39,586 --> 00:01:41,512
...because my mommy's not the boss!

43
00:01:41,512 --> 00:01:44,402
And maybe you just got your face kicked off!

44
00:01:44,402 --> 00:01:46,270
That is my foot in your face!

45
00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:47,443
Smell the embarrassment!

46
00:01:50,130 --> 00:01:52,629
Mother, did you see that?!

47
00:01:52,629 --> 00:01:56,703
Mother?! Mother?!

48
00:01:56,704 --> 00:02:06,704
www.addic7ed.com

49
00:02:38,412 --> 00:02:40,772
Leave a message at the tone.

50
00:02:40,772 --> 00:02:43,026
Uh...tone.

51
00:02:43,026 --> 00:02:44,808
This is four-five-six laundry.

52
00:02:44,808 --> 00:02:47,504
Your srts are ready...for a week.

53
00:02:49,148 --> 00:02:50,136
Good morning.

54
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:52,273
Hey, you. I'm so hungry.

55
00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:54,095
Just give me five minutes
on my backhand, and

56
00:02:54,095 --> 00:02:55,718
We'll see if there's a...

57
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:56,804
Is that a dog?! Oui.

58
00:02:56,804 --> 00:02:59,392
Is it a dog?! Oui, that is abel

59
00:02:59,392 --> 00:03:00,597
Oh, adorable!

60
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,075
Now get the hell out of here!

61
00:03:02,075 --> 00:03:04,210
But you promised me breakfast!

62
00:03:04,210 --> 00:03:06,243
You want breakfast? Try the diner!

63
00:03:06,310 --> 00:03:07,610
You're obviously into greek!

64
00:03:08,979 --> 00:03:10,212
Get it?

65
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,681
Thank you, ababelard.

66
00:03:12,749 --> 00:03:14,624
It's a short list, woodhouse.

67
00:03:14,624 --> 00:03:16,338
Two things we don't allow in here
-- what are the

68
00:03:16,338 --> 00:03:17,987
Dogs and your mother.

69
00:03:17,987 --> 00:03:19,368
That's a very short list, isn't it?

70
00:03:19,368 --> 00:03:20,416
Yes, but... What?

71
00:03:20,416 --> 00:03:22,152
...you were quite, uh,

72
00:03:22,152 --> 00:03:24,506
Insistent thatn exception be made.

73
00:03:24,506 --> 00:03:26,931
No, no, no, because forget the dog rule

74
00:03:26,931 --> 00:03:30,148
Because this pug is aming!

75
00:03:30,148 --> 00:03:32,200
Watch this. Abegard, go.

76
00:03:33,618 --> 00:03:35,340
Do you not hear that?

77
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,381
That's "Puttin' on the ritz," man!

78
00:03:37,381 --> 00:03:39,464
*** Yes, sir.

79
00:03:39,464 --> 00:03:40,896
But I'm not to be trusted, am I?

80
00:03:40,896 --> 00:03:41,757
No, sir, but --

81
00:03:41,757 --> 00:03:43,646
Stop. St up.

82
00:03:43,646 --> 00:03:44,382
I have to go.

83
00:03:44,382 --> 00:03:45,799
But if iind one single dog

84
00:03:45,799 --> 00:03:47,769
Here when I get back, I'll rub

85
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,869
Sandn your dead, little eyes.

86
00:03:49,869 --> 00:03:51,875
Very good, sir.

87
00:03:52,522 --> 00:03:54,043
I also need you to go buy sand.

88
00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:54,593
Yes, sir.

89
00:03:54,593 --> 00:03:57,636
I don't know if they grade it, but...

90
00:03:58,828 --> 00:04:00,728
Coarse.

91
00:04:07,631 --> 00:04:10,365
One entire, whole week
we've been calling you.

92
00:04:10,365 --> 00:04:12,186
Highly unprofessional. Rlly?

93
00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:15,462
Because I find your
sweatiness unprofessional.

94
00:04:15,462 --> 00:04:16,162
So we have something else in

95
00:04:16,162 --> 00:04:17,810
Common, besides the fact that

96
00:04:17,810 --> 00:04:20,236
Now both of our shirts reek of curry!

97
00:04:20,236 --> 00:04:22,369
And when will y settle your account?!

98
00:04:22,369 --> 00:04:23,961
When will you buy some dress shields?

99
00:04:23,961 --> 00:04:26,620
This is not a dress! Are you serious?!

100
00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:28,321
That's not a dress?!

101
00:04:30,683 --> 00:04:33,021
Oh, god, with the curry again.

102
00:04:33,021 --> 00:04:35,650
This shirt smells like
indira gandhi's thong.

103
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:38,412
Bitte warten sie. Danke.

104
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,211
Bonjour!

105
00:04:39,211 --> 00:04:40,741
Hey, you want to smell something?

106
00:04:40,741 --> 00:04:43,753
Swear to god, mr. Archer, I have h.
R. On speed dial!

107
00:04:43,753 --> 00:04:45,067
Shut up.

108
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,628
Hey, krieger, you got to smell this.

109
00:04:47,628 --> 00:04:49,337
Krieger?

110
00:04:50,538 --> 00:04:52,148
Hey, you geeks want to smell something?

111
00:04:52,148 --> 00:04:53,220
Archer, get the hell out!

112
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:54,921
What is it with you people?

113
00:04:55,246 --> 00:04:57,033
Try to include people in your life,
and then you --

114
00:04:57,033 --> 00:04:58,673
Lana! Hey!

115
00:04:58,673 --> 00:04:59,835
Hey, what does this smell like?

116
00:04:59,835 --> 00:05:02,970
Um, like the dysfunctional
asshole I broke up

117
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,918
With six months ago!

118
00:05:04,918 --> 00:05:06,230
Oh, my god.

119
00:05:06,230 --> 00:05:08,382
You're amazing! You are amazing,

120
00:05:08,382 --> 00:05:09,046
Sweet stuff.

121
00:05:09,046 --> 00:05:11,558
Want to do it again and put
on some interracial porn?

122
00:05:11,558 --> 00:05:14,053
God, it's like my brain's
that tree and you're

123
00:05:14,053 --> 00:05:16,355
Those little cookie elves.

124
00:05:16,707 --> 00:05:18,123
Uh, just a second.

125
00:05:18,123 --> 00:05:19,511
No, baby, don't answer that.

126
00:05:19,511 --> 00:05:21,640
I have to. Sorry. It's mother.

127
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,321
Mother, hey. I cannot believe you.

128
00:05:23,321 --> 00:05:25,294
Just a second. No, turn it on.

129
00:05:25,294 --> 00:05:28,209
I-I can do both.

130
00:05:28,209 --> 00:05:29,154
What?

131
00:05:29,154 --> 00:05:30,818
So don't speak to me...

132
00:05:30,818 --> 00:05:31,421
Ever.

133
00:05:31,421 --> 00:05:32,501
And while you're not ever

134
00:05:32,501 --> 00:05:35,470
Speaking to me,
jump up your own ass and die!

135
00:05:35,470 --> 00:05:38,042
Oh, real-- after all that h.R. Mediation?!

136
00:05:38,042 --> 00:05:38,929
Really?! Yep!

137
00:05:38,929 --> 00:05:40,802
After all the hard work pam did!

138
00:05:40,802 --> 00:05:42,374
Is that archer? Ah, damn it.

139
00:05:42,374 --> 00:05:43,690
Archer, hey. Go away.

140
00:05:43,690 --> 00:05:45,673
Listen, about your operations account --

141
00:05:45,673 --> 00:05:47,766
Cyril, not now. Yes, now.

142
00:05:47,766 --> 00:05:48,355
Not a good time.

143
00:05:48,355 --> 00:05:51,228
You got some serious
discrepancies in your account.

144
00:05:51,228 --> 00:05:52,140
No, cyril.

145
00:05:52,140 --> 00:05:54,437
I'm sure you wouldn't use
operational funds for

146
00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:56,238
Personal expenses.

147
00:05:59,764 --> 00:06:02,572
Come on, 22 black! 22 black!

148
00:06:02,572 --> 00:06:03,861
22...

149
00:06:03,861 --> 00:06:06,104
Black! Ass! Son of a bitch!

150
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:09,032
I -- uh -- not you, giant african man.

151
00:06:09,032 --> 00:06:11,663
I'm -- I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink?

152
00:06:12,304 --> 00:06:14,670
W about this expensive prostitute?

153
00:06:14,670 --> 00:06:16,784
That is a very serious implication, cyril.

154
00:06:16,784 --> 00:06:18,509
Well, so is embezzlement.

155
00:06:18,509 --> 00:06:20,608
Yeah?! Well, so is the fact that you

156
00:06:20,608 --> 00:06:23,186
Some-crazy-how are screwing my ex!

157
00:06:23,186 --> 00:06:24,748
Archer, please. What, is that not

158
00:06:24,748 --> 00:06:27,127
Common kno-- you a know
about cyril and lana, right?

159
00:06:27,127 --> 00:06:27,681
Archer!

160
00:06:27,681 --> 00:06:31,099
Of course, because if pam knows,
then everybody knows

161
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:34,137
Because of pam's huge mth. Right, pam?

162
00:06:34,137 --> 00:06:36,834
H.R. Mediations are
supposed to be confidential,

163
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,895
Pam, you manatee!

164
00:06:38,895 --> 00:06:42,342
And as for you, cyril, good day, sir!

165
00:06:42,342 --> 00:06:45,109
Hey, wait! What about your...account?

166
00:06:45,109 --> 00:06:48,146
Oh, I get it. Classic misdirection.

167
00:06:50,339 --> 00:06:53,499
No, don't. You're so ugly when you cry.

168
00:06:53,499 --> 00:06:55,097
Mr. Archer! I'm fine.

169
00:06:55,097 --> 00:06:57,007
Is she in, or out eating a baby?

170
00:06:57,007 --> 00:06:59,373
You stood me up again last night!

171
00:06:59,373 --> 00:07:01,490
Last -- oh, yeah!

172
00:07:01,490 --> 00:07:03,141
What happened was, um...

173
00:07:03,141 --> 00:07:04,887
Did you see "Brian's song"?

174
00:07:04,887 --> 00:07:07,244
Same thing pretty much happened.

175
00:07:08,010 --> 00:07:09,455
I helped a guy with cancer.

176
00:07:09,455 --> 00:07:11,023
Look, I'm really sorry, carol,

177
00:07:11,023 --> 00:07:12,875
But I couldn't. It's cheryl!

178
00:07:12,875 --> 00:07:15,129
I know, okay? Cheryl.

179
00:07:15,129 --> 00:07:18,725
So to make it up to you... I'm ready.

180
00:07:18,725 --> 00:07:20,167
Could you buzz me in?

181
00:07:20,451 --> 00:07:22,856
Is that all you have to say?!

182
00:07:25,243 --> 00:07:28,001
Yes.

183
00:07:28,224 --> 00:07:31,279
Now tell me again how -- no, not that part.

184
00:07:31,279 --> 00:07:34,146
Go back. Yes! The pepper!

185
00:07:34,146 --> 00:07:38,529
Ohh! Yes! God! Oh, god!

186
00:07:38,529 --> 00:07:40,226
Ohh! God damn it!

187
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,173
What the hell are you doing?!

188
00:07:42,173 --> 00:07:46,330
What are you doing? I-I-I'm...

189
00:07:46,330 --> 00:07:47,760
For your information, I've just

190
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,098
Been reviewing your operations account.

191
00:07:50,098 --> 00:07:50,823
No. Yes.

192
00:07:50,823 --> 00:07:51,650
No. Yes.

193
00:07:51,650 --> 00:07:52,615
No. Yes!

194
00:07:52,615 --> 00:07:55,871
No! And it makes for fascinating reading.

195
00:07:55,871 --> 00:07:57,438
Let's see.

196
00:07:57,438 --> 00:07:59,622
You turned in an expense report

197
00:07:59,622 --> 00:08:01,129
From berlin, where the german

198
00:08:01,129 --> 00:08:02,816
Desk says you never checked in.

199
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,261
Oh, uh, berlin was -- ditto buenos aires.

200
00:08:05,261 --> 00:08:07,173
Too busy to check in? Yeah.

201
00:08:07,173 --> 00:08:08,537
Or alrey off to monaco?

202
00:08:08,537 --> 00:08:11,129
I'm spying. Or was it majorca?

203
00:08:11,129 --> 00:08:12,824
Ooh! Or tunis?!

204
00:08:12,824 --> 00:08:14,728
Tunis kind of rings a bell.

205
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,546
Isis isn't your own personal travel agency!

206
00:08:17,546 --> 00:08:19,521
It doesn't exist just so you can

207
00:08:19,521 --> 00:08:22,007
Jet of to...whore island!

208
00:08:22,007 --> 00:08:24,250
That's not a real place.

209
00:08:24,250 --> 00:08:27,109
I have 50 agents who'd
literally kill to move up

210
00:08:27,109 --> 00:08:28,145
To your position.

211
00:08:28,145 --> 00:08:29,276
And if you don't square your

212
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,032
Operations account by monday,

213
00:08:31,032 --> 00:08:32,187
They won't need to.

214
00:08:32,187 --> 00:08:34,834
Your position will be vacant!

215
00:08:34,834 --> 00:08:36,330
Sterling!

216
00:08:36,330 --> 00:08:38,287
Sorry, I was picturing whore island.

217
00:08:38,287 --> 00:08:39,880
Have I made myself clear?

218
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,362
Are you -- you're looking
for the answer "Yes."

219
00:08:42,362 --> 00:08:43,534
Yes. Then yes.

220
00:08:43,534 --> 00:08:45,208
Good. Then get out.

221
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:47,943
And for god's sake, take a shower.

222
00:08:47,943 --> 00:08:49,722
Smells like a whorehouse in here.

223
00:08:49,722 --> 00:08:51,314
Okay, your own fingers.

224
00:08:51,314 --> 00:08:55,465
Nothing. Johnny bench called.

225
00:08:56,059 --> 00:08:57,250
I see the foot's all better.

226
00:08:57,250 --> 00:08:59,297
And I see you're still a hatche
t-faced prick.

227
00:08:59,297 --> 00:09:01,302
Mm, do you see that sign?

228
00:09:01,302 --> 00:09:03,451
Uh, do you see that sign?

229
00:09:03,451 --> 00:09:04,789
Well...

230
00:09:05,037 --> 00:09:07,765
That's why -- so we don't get ants.

231
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,349
Because when your co-workers put food in the

232
00:09:11,349 --> 00:09:14,661
Refrigerator, that's a bond of trust, okay?

233
00:09:14,661 --> 00:09:18,501
And if you violate that trust,
or the food --

234
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:20,693
There's my favorite section head.

235
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:23,613
I am dealing with the break-room problem.

236
00:09:23,613 --> 00:09:25,350
Oh, good. You caught the, uh -- oh, wait,

237
00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:27,235
I had something for this -- the

238
00:09:27,235 --> 00:09:28,349
Pita predator!

239
00:09:28,349 --> 00:09:28,991
You know what?

240
00:09:28,991 --> 00:09:32,335
Sorry, let's just call it
what it is -- food rapist.

241
00:09:32,335 --> 00:09:33,480
Not a pretty name, is it?

242
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,639
Want some food that's supposed

243
00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:37,066
To be cream-filled, I offer

244
00:09:37,066 --> 00:09:40,417
These delicious doughnuts -
in exchange for a favor.

245
00:09:40,417 --> 00:09:43,934
A favor?! After how you treated me?!

246
00:09:43,934 --> 00:09:45,764
Well your dolphin, pam!

247
00:09:45,764 --> 00:09:46,981
Archer, she's down, all right?

248
00:09:46,981 --> 00:09:49,819
Your dolphin! She's tapping out.

249
00:09:49,819 --> 00:09:52,966
I think she peed.
I had to get three stitches.

250
00:09:52,966 --> 00:09:54,452
And I broke my watch.

251
00:09:54,452 --> 00:09:56,176
And I'm sorry for that.

252
00:09:56,176 --> 00:09:57,585
But I-I need your help, pam,

253
00:09:57,585 --> 00:10:01,562
Because I-I'm...um...conducting

254
00:10:01,562 --> 00:10:02,816
A mole hunt.

255
00:10:02,816 --> 00:10:03,904
Gasp you should,

256
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:04,884
Because if you let me in the

257
00:10:04,884 --> 00:10:06,801
Mainframe, I'll drop these doughnuts.

258
00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:08,064
Then you can pretend they're

259
00:10:08,064 --> 00:10:10,479
Marbles and you're a hungry,

260
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:15,989
Hungry......hungry hippo.

261
00:10:16,942 --> 00:10:18,346
Hey, I know I'm supposed to be

262
00:10:18,346 --> 00:10:20,601
Up my own ass right now, but...

263
00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:24,089
Oh, is that what you want?! Yep.

264
00:10:24,089 --> 00:10:27,142
Because that's how you get ants!

265
00:10:27,142 --> 00:10:29,764
Cyril, my favorite section head!

266
00:10:29,764 --> 00:10:32,496
What do you want? To apologize for my

267
00:10:32,496 --> 00:10:35,701
Behavior, and also to -- what are you doing?

268
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:38,326
Oh, uh, just dicing veggies for dinner.

269
00:10:38,326 --> 00:10:40,899
I always make lana stir-fry on friday.

270
00:10:40,899 --> 00:10:42,549
Neat. Listen -- guess what we call it.

271
00:10:42,549 --> 00:10:45,537
Stir-friday?

272
00:10:45,537 --> 00:10:47,788
Wow, it's actually better.

273
00:10:47,788 --> 00:10:50,264
It's all yours, so come
let me in the mainframe.

274
00:10:50,264 --> 00:10:52,736
Is this about your operations account?

275
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,554
No! Cyril!

276
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:56,532
I'm on a top-secret mole hunt.

277
00:10:56,532 --> 00:10:58,208
Oh, yeah, pam mentioned that.

278
00:10:58,208 --> 00:10:59,136
W-when?!

279
00:10:59,136 --> 00:11:00,797
Well, she called a minute ago.

280
00:11:00,797 --> 00:11:02,018
You know how pam loves to gossip.

281
00:11:02,018 --> 00:11:03,781
Yeah, I need rug marbles. I know.

282
00:11:03,781 --> 00:11:05,537
So come let me into the mainframe.

283
00:11:05,537 --> 00:11:06,645
Okay, but I need to

284
00:11:06,645 --> 00:11:07,987
Confirm this with your mother.

285
00:11:07,987 --> 00:11:08,836
No! No.

286
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:12,542
I-I mean, cyril, what if she's the mole?

287
00:11:12,542 --> 00:11:13,863
Think about it. Your own mother?

288
00:11:13,863 --> 00:11:15,664
Think what that would do to me...

289
00:11:15,664 --> 00:11:17,391
If we had to kill her... Archer.

290
00:11:17,391 --> 00:11:20,944
...by stabbing her wrinkly neck...

291
00:11:20,944 --> 00:11:22,269
With a knife.

292
00:11:22,269 --> 00:11:23,756
Yeah, I can't let you in there.

293
00:11:23,756 --> 00:11:26,987
"Can't" Or "Won't"? Either?

294
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,870
And after I gave you "Stir-friday."

295
00:11:28,870 --> 00:11:30,475
That is much better. I know.

296
00:11:30,475 --> 00:11:34,107
But if you want to access
the mainframe, I guess

297
00:11:34,107 --> 00:11:36,645
×Ö You'd have to break in.

298
00:11:37,305 --> 00:11:40,505
Ä» Break into the isis mainframe.

299
00:11:41,328 --> 00:11:45,681
Which is obviously ludicrous,
as is this baby corn.

300
00:11:45,681 --> 00:11:48,082
What is that about? Archer?

301
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:51,230
Isis headquarters makes
fort knox look like a

302
00:11:51,230 --> 00:11:54,342
Gingerbread house -
only two means of ingress.

303
00:11:54,342 --> 00:11:58,634
The first, at street level -
impenetrable after 6:00.

304
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,903
×Ö The second, through an
access door on the roof --

305
00:12:01,903 --> 00:12:04,587
Ä»  inexplicably unprotected.

306
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,399
But even if you zip-lined

307
00:12:07,399 --> 00:12:10,490
Across, reached the access door,

308
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:12,208
And somehow made it into isis

309
00:12:12,208 --> 00:12:14,380
Headquarters, you'd still have

310
00:12:14,380 --> 00:12:16,529
To find the mainframe.

311
00:12:16,626 --> 00:12:19,674
But wait -- it gets worse.

312
00:12:19,674 --> 00:12:20,752
Inside, there are three

313
00:12:20,752 --> 00:12:22,158
Countermeasure systems.

314
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,840
The first is pressur
e-sensitive in the floor.

315
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,509
Even a mouse triggers it.

316
00:12:26,509 --> 00:12:28,118
The second is sound-sensitive.

317
00:12:28,118 --> 00:12:30,551
Anything above a whisper sets it off.

318
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:32,069
And the third system is

319
00:12:32,069 --> 00:12:34,720
State-of-the-art voice activation.

320
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,465
Cyri..Figgis.

321
00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:42,472
So, obviously, it would be a lot

322
00:12:42,472 --> 00:12:44,116
Easier for me if you just

323
00:12:44,116 --> 00:12:45,281
Disabled all that when you left

324
00:12:45,281 --> 00:12:47,843
Work tonight, somehow.

325
00:12:47,843 --> 00:12:49,043
Yeah.

326
00:12:49,043 --> 00:12:51,410
That woulke me...

327
00:12:51,410 --> 00:12:52,396
Uncomfortable.

328
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:55,169
God, everything makes you uncomfortable!

329
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,724
Just the tip? Just the tip.

330
00:12:59,724 --> 00:13:01,896
Just the tip!

331
00:13:01,896 --> 00:13:03,091
How was I supposed to know u' 're

332
00:13:03,091 --> 00:13:04,138
Actose intolerant?

333
00:13:04,138 --> 00:13:06,288
Because I kept screaming it! Well?

334
00:13:06,288 --> 00:13:08,481
And this -- I'm just a secretary.

335
00:13:08,481 --> 00:13:12,619
I don't have access to security whatevers.

336
00:13:12,619 --> 00:13:13,932
Then get them from cyril!

337
00:13:13,932 --> 00:13:16,730
How would I do that? Seduce him or -- or

338
00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:19,567
Pam -- or both! I can't do that!

339
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:21,271
"Can't" Or "Won't"? Either.

340
00:13:21,271 --> 00:13:22,984
That's how you want to play it?

341
00:13:22,984 --> 00:13:23,642
Fine!

342
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:26,225
Are...you gonna pay for your lunch?

343
00:13:26,225 --> 00:13:28,617
Just the tip. Uh...

344
00:13:29,656 --> 00:13:32,525
Actually, I don't have any cash.

345
00:13:32,525 --> 00:13:34,983
Can you...get it?

346
00:13:34,983 --> 00:13:37,459
Sorry, I also need cab fare.

347
00:13:37,459 --> 00:13:39,906
Oh, ugly duckling.

348
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,397
×Ö Bawk! Bawk!

349
00:13:44,135 --> 00:13:46,013
Ä» Nothing, carol.

350
00:13:46,013 --> 00:13:47,467
Now I have to break into isi

351
00:13:47,467 --> 00:13:50,171
Headquarters in a $9 turtleneck.

352
00:13:50,171 --> 00:13:51,799
And if it gets ruined, I'm gonna

353
00:13:51,799 --> 00:13:53,737
Make you drink heavy cream,

354
00:13:53,737 --> 00:13:56,502
You...carol!

355
00:14:00,925 --> 00:14:02,889
Wow, that was actually pretty easy.

356
00:14:02,889 --> 00:14:04,436
Thanks, new turtleneck.

357
00:14:04,436 --> 00:14:07,284
Oh, f-- oh, and thank you, duffel bag!

358
00:14:07,284 --> 00:14:09,503
Jesus, what else could go wrong?!

359
00:14:17,875 --> 00:14:19,620
Exactly. You're not archer.

360
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:20,819
That's what's so great about

361
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,347
You -- that and the fact that

362
00:14:22,347 --> 00:14:24,122
Your mother died in a fire. What?

363
00:14:24,122 --> 00:14:28,105
I said, "Where are we
on that stir agent kane.

364
00:14:28,105 --> 00:14:29,769
What?! Yes. Confirmed.

365
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:32,092
Confirmed a naughty nelly's breaking our

366
00:14:32,092 --> 00:14:33,767
After-work phone rules.

367
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:35,513
Cyril, there's been a break-in at isis.

368
00:14:35,513 --> 00:14:37,172
What?! You think it's the mole?

369
00:14:37,172 --> 00:14:40,366
God, you and pam. Pam's all right.

370
00:14:40,366 --> 00:14:42,074
Okay, uh, I've got to go.

371
00:14:42,074 --> 00:14:44,820
But it's stir-friday. Hooray!

372
00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:49,835
But if I'm not here... Yeah.

373
00:14:49,835 --> 00:14:51,759
Because after three months of

374
00:14:51,759 --> 00:14:53,628
Whatever it is we're doing, I

375
00:14:53,628 --> 00:14:55,412
Just think it's a little weird

376
00:14:55,412 --> 00:14:57,001
That you can't leave me
alone in your apartment.

377
00:14:57,001 --> 00:14:59,465
I know I have trust issues, all right?

378
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:01,377
But it's archer's fault I'm like this.

379
00:15:01,377 --> 00:15:02,174
And here we go.

380
00:15:02,174 --> 00:15:03,540
All those years of the

381
00:15:03,540 --> 00:15:05,375
Lying and the cheating and that

382
00:15:05,375 --> 00:15:07,186
Thing with the mayonnaise -- it's fine.

383
00:15:07,186 --> 00:15:08,135
Not to mention how

384
00:15:08,135 --> 00:15:09,217
Messed up he is about his mother.

385
00:15:09,217 --> 00:15:10,815
Do you know he called out her

386
00:15:10,815 --> 00:15:14,731
Name once when we were -- fi-I-I-ne!

387
00:15:17,026 --> 00:15:19,502
And here we are. All fine.

388
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:20,789
Cyril, come on.

389
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:22,607
Now who's the naughty nelly?

390
00:15:22,607 --> 00:15:23,967
Yes? Hello? Hi. Who's this?

391
00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:26,647
Cyril...figgis. I'm sorry.

392
00:15:26,647 --> 00:15:28,489
Did you say, "Faggis"? Figgis.

393
00:15:28,489 --> 00:15:29,959
What is it? Figgis.

394
00:15:29,959 --> 00:15:31,328
Better not be pam. Not "Faggis"?

395
00:15:31,328 --> 00:15:32,911
Figgis. I was very clear.

396
00:15:32,911 --> 00:15:33,929
Hi, I'm a huge fan of

397
00:15:33,929 --> 00:15:37,492
Cock, and my nam cyril...figgis.

398
00:15:40,643 --> 00:15:41,521
Holy shit.

399
00:15:41,521 --> 00:15:43,568
Our security is atrocious.

400
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:46,294
Seriously, it's really bad.

401
00:15:46,294 --> 00:15:47,877
Password.

402
00:15:47,877 --> 00:15:49,345
Hmm. Password.

403
00:15:49,345 --> 00:15:51,522
How about "Guest"?

404
00:15:51,522 --> 00:15:53,132
No way!

405
00:15:53,132 --> 00:15:54,271
It can't be!

406
00:15:54,271 --> 00:15:56,185
Jesus christ, that is just

407
00:15:56,185 --> 00:15:58,033
Babytown frolics.

408
00:15:58,033 --> 00:16:00,073
Okay, operations account.

409
00:16:00,073 --> 00:16:02,323
Just how deep in the red am I?

410
00:16:02,323 --> 00:16:03,680
Out of my mind?!

411
00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,731
Oh, no! How?!

412
00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:08,215
How did I spend that much money?!

413
00:16:08,215 --> 00:16:09,726
Yeah, I know it's sexy, woodhouse.

414
00:16:09,726 --> 00:16:10,922
That's why I bought 10.

415
00:16:10,922 --> 00:16:14,358
Now arrange those by color.
These are all black.

416
00:16:14,358 --> 00:16:15,633
Oh, are they?

417
00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:17,399
Or are five in a dark black and

418
00:16:17,399 --> 00:16:20,274
Five in a slightly darker black?

419
00:16:20,274 --> 00:16:22,627
And now I'm short a...slightly

420
00:16:22,627 --> 00:16:23,941
Darker black one.

421
00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,002
So le's just put all my

422
00:16:26,002 --> 00:16:28,556
Expenses into...some pathetic

423
00:16:28,556 --> 00:16:31,865
Idiot's account by the name of...

424
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:34,473
Oh! Crenshaw! Oh.

425
00:16:34,473 --> 00:16:36,769
Oh, god! That's not very nice.

426
00:16:36,769 --> 00:16:38,593
Hey, I was just

427
00:16:38,593 --> 00:16:40,359
Talking about you...and about

428
00:16:40,389 --> 00:16:42,112
How this isn't what it looks like.

429
00:16:42,112 --> 00:16:43,428
A lot of that going around.

430
00:16:43,428 --> 00:16:44,652
Yeah, it's an epidemic.

431
00:16:44,652 --> 00:16:47,979
For example, my real name is kremensky.

432
00:16:47,979 --> 00:16:49,741
Is that -- sound --

433
00:16:49,741 --> 00:16:52,379
Is that jewish? It's russian.

434
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:55,361
Russian jewish?

435
00:16:55,361 --> 00:16:56,917
I'm the mole, idiot.

436
00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:57,969
I made up the mole.

437
00:16:57,969 --> 00:16:58,955
Yes, but you told

438
00:16:58,955 --> 00:17:00,837
Pam, and now everyone is looking

439
00:17:00,837 --> 00:17:02,068
For a real mole.

440
00:17:02,068 --> 00:17:03,223
God, do we hate pam.

441
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:04,368
So I have to escape.

442
00:17:04,368 --> 00:17:05,738
And irony. But thanks for

443
00:17:05,738 --> 00:17:07,483
Breaking into the mainframe for me.

444
00:17:07,483 --> 00:17:08,251
Double irony.

445
00:17:08,251 --> 00:17:10,643
I'll need $50,000 for travel expenses.

446
00:17:10,643 --> 00:17:12,376
$50,000?! From your account.

447
00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:13,508
That's too much.

448
00:17:13,508 --> 00:17:16,499
It's all -minute bookings...for two.

449
00:17:16,499 --> 00:17:19,225
Wha-- oh.

450
00:17:19,225 --> 00:17:21,563
The notorious duchess to the

451
00:17:21,563 --> 00:17:23,116
Kgb, I won't just get a

452
00:17:23,116 --> 00:17:25,370
Promotion, I'll get my own dacha.

453
00:17:25,370 --> 00:17:27,129
Too bad you'll never see it.

454
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:30,219
What the -- lana!

455
00:17:30,219 --> 00:17:31,555
Crenshaw's a mole, and his

456
00:17:31,555 --> 00:17:32,835
Name's not really crenshaw.

457
00:17:32,835 --> 00:17:34,556
It's kremensky -- definitely

458
00:17:34,556 --> 00:17:36,209
Russian, possibly a jew.

459
00:17:36,209 --> 00:17:37,739
I don't know. Thoughts?

460
00:17:37,739 --> 00:17:40,662
Yeah, shut up. And, you, drop it.

461
00:17:40,662 --> 00:17:41,739
Or what? No, no, no.

462
00:17:41,739 --> 00:17:43,072
Do not wind her up.

463
00:17:43,072 --> 00:17:44,965
That is a big gun, and she is

464
00:17:44,991 --> 00:17:47,707
Baby-crazy. Baby-crazy?!

465
00:17:47,707 --> 00:17:48,950
That's why I dumped her.

466
00:17:48,950 --> 00:17:51,265
Of shit!

467
00:17:51,265 --> 00:17:53,200
I edduyou because're

468
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,296
Dragging around a 35-year-old

469
00:17:55,296 --> 00:17:57,011
Umbilical cord! See?!

470
00:17:57,011 --> 00:17:58,964
Baby shitas bout I

471
00:17:58,964 --> 00:18:00,402
Because you're baby-crazy!

472
00:18:00,402 --> 00:18:02,069
You want to see crazy?!

473
00:18:02,069 --> 00:18:03,053
No, I've seen that

474
00:18:03,053 --> 00:18:04,979
Movie, and -- spoiler alert --

475
00:18:04,979 --> 00:18:06,843
It ends with a closetful of my

476
00:18:06,843 --> 00:18:07,735
Suits on fire!

477
00:18:07,735 --> 00:18:09,243
I wish you'd been wearing one!

478
00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:11,691
Who would want to wear an on-fire suit?!

479
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,126
Cosplay enthusiasts!

480
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:13,780
What? W shit!

481
00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:15,001
Do you even hear how

482
00:18:15,001 --> 00:18:17,283
Totally bat-shit insane you sound?!

483
00:18:17,283 --> 00:18:19,411
I'll tell you what I hear!

484
00:18:23,718 --> 00:18:26,012
Yeah, please keep talking.

485
00:18:26,012 --> 00:18:26,709
So, why are you

486
00:18:26,709 --> 00:18:29,530
Sitting here in the car eating stir-fry?

487
00:18:29,530 --> 00:18:31,979
It's stir-friday.

488
00:18:31,979 --> 00:18:34,471
Mm, and lana said to. Crenshaw?

489
00:18:34,471 --> 00:18:35,218
Ms. Archer?

490
00:18:35,218 --> 00:18:37,774
What's this flap about a break-in?

491
00:18:37,774 --> 00:18:39,955
Mother, look out! Crenshaw is a mole!

492
00:18:39,955 --> 00:18:41,385
Oh, pam's as full of

493
00:18:41,385 --> 00:18:43,527
Crap as she is of carbohydrates.

494
00:18:43,527 --> 00:18:44,506
Now -- hey!

495
00:18:44,506 --> 00:18:46,585
Not this time, you impossible bitch!

496
00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:48,771
Also, you should all be nicer to pam.

497
00:18:48,771 --> 00:18:50,484
I am always nice to her.

498
00:18:50,484 --> 00:18:51,479
To her face.

499
00:18:51,479 --> 00:18:52,792
Why aren't you in the car?

500
00:18:52,792 --> 00:18:55,864
Somebody do something! Archer!

501
00:18:55,864 --> 00:18:57,350
What are you doing, you idiot?!

502
00:18:57,350 --> 00:18:59,472
Shut up. It's classic misdirection.

503
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,944
Looks like we've got a mexican

504
00:19:00,944 --> 00:19:03,574
Standoff, kremensky.

505
00:19:03,574 --> 00:19:05,684
How is this a mexican standoff?

506
00:19:05,684 --> 00:19:08,210
Dumbass. I don't care if you shoot her.

507
00:19:08,210 --> 00:19:12,135
I do. But what if I shoot her, mama's boy?

508
00:19:12,135 --> 00:19:15,953
Sterling. Yes, picture
her dead in the gutter...

509
00:19:15,953 --> 00:19:17,317
Sterling!and what your

510
00:19:17,317 --> 00:19:18,970
Pathetic life will be like

511
00:19:18,970 --> 00:19:20,865
Without old mommie dearest.

512
00:19:20,865 --> 00:19:22,871
Jesus christ! What?! What is it?!

513
00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:24,963
He's got an erection! What?!

514
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:27,528
What the hell is wrong with you people?!

515
00:19:29,198 --> 00:19:32,054
Nothing. You, on the other hand -- ow!

516
00:19:32,054 --> 00:19:33,736
An erection?! Hey!

517
00:19:33,736 --> 00:19:35,228
What's in there -- buckles?!

518
00:19:35,228 --> 00:19:38,163
The thought of me dead gives you an erecon?!

519
00:19:38,163 --> 00:19:40,076
No, just half of one.

520
00:19:40,076 --> 00:19:41,386
The other half would have really

521
00:19:41,386 --> 00:19:44,014
Missed you. I mean, not...

522
00:19:47,464 --> 00:19:49,967
Ohnny bench called. Yeahe --

523
00:19:49,967 --> 00:19:52,703
Crenshaw just stole $50,
000 fr archer's account.

524
00:19:52,703 --> 00:19:54,016
Must have been doing it all along.

525
00:19:54,016 --> 00:19:56,961
Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche.

526
00:19:56,961 --> 00:19:58,460
Call him that again.

527
00:19:58,460 --> 00:19:59,853
Make me! What? What?

528
00:19:59,853 --> 00:20:00,703
Mother, do you see this?

529
00:20:00,703 --> 00:20:02,299
I just don't understand.

530
00:20:02,299 --> 00:20:03,660
This is a hostile work environment.

531
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:06,145
I would have known if we had a mole.

532
00:20:06,145 --> 00:20:07,453
How? "How" What, dear?

533
00:20:07,453 --> 00:20:11,053
How could you know if we had a mole? Uh...

534
00:20:11,867 --> 00:20:16,462
Am taking hot pepper and slowly,

535
00:20:16,462 --> 00:20:19,799
I'm rubbing it around -- god damn it!

536
00:20:21,483 --> 00:20:25,053
Darling? Who was this? Who are you --

537
00:20:25,053 --> 00:20:26,993
Comrade question?

538
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:29,481
And who are you -- comrade questions?

539
00:20:29,481 --> 00:20:30,778
Comrade -- oh, shut up.

540
00:20:30,778 --> 00:20:32,045
You and your erection.

541
00:20:32,045 --> 00:20:33,187
And why are there doughnuts

542
00:20:33,187 --> 00:20:34,923
Everywhere?! Lana did that.

543
00:20:34,923 --> 00:20:36,400
Do you want ants?!

544
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,144
Because that's how you get ants!

545
00:20:39,145 --> 00:20:45,145
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