Archer: Antarctica‐‐ icy graveyard of hubris,
not hostile to humanity,
but worse‐‐ utterly indifferent,
a blank wall at the edge of the universe,
defying us to find meaning in it.
So you can see why I'm not going.
‐ For God's‐‐the antenna at McMurdo Station is down.
All we've heard is a garbled transmission
about a murder, and two days ago,
we detected an unidentified‐‐
‐ [gulping] ‐ Really?
You need a pickleback? ‐ Do you?
‐ I‐‐ ‐ We're as concerned
about McMurdo as the average citizen is,
but we run a business.
‐ Obviously, we're extremely concerned
about the consequences. ‐ Are you?
The death of everyone on Antarctica,
the loss of research that may save the planet,
and a flaw in the ice cap
that could doom us in the short‐term?
‐ Sure, those, but does this look like a nonprofit?
‐ Yeah, one that distributes liquor to needy child‐men.
‐ Hey! It happens to be man‐child!
And now I'm craving a pickleback,
so thanks for that. ‐ For the last few years,
this organization had a newfound reputation
for effectiveness and ethical conduct.
What happened?
‐ Uh, I woke up, and we got awesome again.
‐ Jesus, Lana, how far you've fallen.
‐ Uh, I'm sorry? ‐ Some history here?
‐ I honestly have no idea what's happening right now.
‐ Oh, please. It's Sandra.
You were the star
of the environmental science department,
sucking up all the grants and funding
like a selfish vampire, then skipping out,
leaving our department blacklisted for grants
for the next five years.
‐ Oh. Grad school Sandra.
Yeah, I still don't know who you are.
‐ Oof. Nothing worse than a nemesis
who doesn't know you exist‐‐
like playing air guitar with your entire life.
‐ Why don't you all take a deep breath?
[helicopter approaching]
There's wonderful oxygen right outside my office.
‐ Guys! Guys!
It's landing on the building!
‐ Wait, but we don't have a‐‐
[crashes, rumbles]
"Helipad" is what I was gonna say.
Trip: Uh‐huh. ‐ Oh, hey, Trip.
I didn't know that you were coming.
‐ As the major private donor to McMurdo,
I am determined to solve this crisis at all costs.
‐ Funny, that's exactly the number of costs we charge.
‐ I'm taking your full team to McMurdo.
Severe winds there right now, so we'll have to take my sub.
‐ You have a submarine? ‐ Hey, bud.
I love humanity, but in a warming world
on the brink of anarchy,
an exit strategy is only sensible.
‐ We, of course, are very familiar
with your technology ventures.
‐ Including those floating mini‐cities.
Didn't you blow a ton of money designing those?
‐ In a warming world‐‐ Archer: We get it.
‐ Yes, we get it.
Why are you so concerned with McMurdo?
‐ I've spent time with the people of McMurdo,
and they truly are my family.
My guess is one of those freaks went eco‐terrorist,
and I need to protect my investment.
‐ Really? Any evidence for that?
‐ Don't need it, because I have
something better: vision.
‐ Though, not quite enough vision to see
that we don't have a helipad.
‐ When you're innovative enough,
everything's a helipad.
[rumbling, thudding]
‐ Hard to argue with that. [laughs]
[main title theme]
♪ ♪
Archer: Place your bet, folks.
Thawed alien monstrosity? Uh, flesh‐eating virus?
‐ [gasps] Demon possession.
‐ Sex worms! ‐ Look.
All we've got to do is make sure everyone is okay.
‐ Other than the murder victim. ‐ So we solve the murder,
we fix the antenna, and then we get out of here
before our nipples rip through our clothing.
‐ Ooh, multi‐dimensional hell‐beast that confronts us
with the horror of our own existence?
‐ No, Mother's still on the sub.
Trip: But why? ‐ I'll go when they train
penguins to mix a decent French 75
and not a moment before.
I'll be in the bar. ‐ And I just don't like
being places, you know.
‐ Okay, but how can you help from the sub?
‐ Help what? Lana: Oh, I don't know,
maybe putting our stuff on the sledge.
‐ I'm dealing with my own supplies, Lana.
‐ Is that just booze in there? ‐ No!
For your information,
there's also a huge amount of pickle juice.
Seriously, you got me fiending.
‐ Welcome to the most beautiful place on Earth.
‐ Yep, just narrowly edged out the walk‐in freezer at IHOP.
‐ [clears throat] This is Rex, chief of station.
‐ And this is baby Lamont.
‐ I am not saying hello to a flightless bird.
‐ Your loss and also Lamont's. [Lamont cooing]
He's sensitive. You just bought me an hour
of tummy rubs tonight.
‐ Hey there, sailor, you giving those out for free?
‐ Yes, penguins don't use currency.
So are you here for the antenna repair
or for the murder?
‐ Both; we need to get a handle on the situation.
Gather everyone on base for questioning.
Krieger here will attempt to repair the main antenna.
‐ But right now, you need to get me inside
because if I get any colder,
I'm gonna literally murder someone.
Oh! Sorry.
Too soon? ‐ He was my friend.
‐ But come on, it's not like there were
a ton of options out here. ‐ [Cheryl groans]
It's like an oat milk orgy in here.
‐ A half‐bottle of substandard vodka?
‐ I don't drink alcohol.
I need every brain cell at top capacity
when my mind is uploaded to the cloud.
‐ Which means we'll need the vodka
to deal with you until then. ‐ [laughs]
He thinks alcohol goes in your brain.
You use your mouth.
‐ But, please, do not leave this area.
‐ Does that seem fishy to you? ‐ [sniffs]
I mean, it's not like you're not gonna drink it.
‐ [gulping]
Lana: I'm not saying you're wrong.
I just think we want them looking
at the pickaxes, so they're, you know,
"facing their crime." ‐ Oh.
What about ropes to symbolize‐‐ Archer: Shh!
I'm getting into character.
‐ As a douchebag? I think you're there.
‐ Lana, please. We are in the midst
of a closed‐door whodunnit, so forgive me
for actually enjoying my work.
‐ No. Rex: What do you mean, "no"?
‐ I don't deal well with dead bodies,
so maybe I should‐‐ahh!
God, it's worse than I thought! ‐ What's with him?
‐ Well, after turning his life around
while Archer was in a coma,
he's fallen back into some old habits.
‐ Like being a whiny little bitch!
‐ Keep it together. You're a man!
‐ Yeah, that's the thing about real men‐‐
always saying they're men. ‐ [sighs]
Sharp entrance wound, no evidence
of sawing or slicing.
We're looking at a single blow, angled downward.
My verdict: this wasn't a murder at all!
It was an icicle!
‐ This was next to the body.
‐ [laughs] Oh, the shame.
Just sit in it.
‐ It's a pretty standard move. ‐ Oh, I'm‐‐I'm Gray.
I've spent most of the last 15 years with penguins.
I kind of forget how to‐‐ ‐ Be a person?
[snaps finger]
‐ I am Dr. Gertrude Rilsa.
‐ Wow. That was intensely sinister.
‐ Yeah, do you have a vocal setting
where it doesn't seem like you're about to kill us?
‐ I will humanize myself.
I study how the isolation of a small group
affects willingness to engage
in increasingly deviant sexual behaviors...
with robots...
on drugs.
‐ Wow! ‐ The robots?
‐ Do we introduce her to Krieger or would that‐‐
‐ Bring about the death of humanity
in a cyber‐sexual apocalypse? Hard yes.
‐ Yes‐‐no. I mean, yes.
No, I‐‐I didn't do it.
I'm second in command of this base,
and I do everything by the book.
‐ Um, name? ‐ Maddox.
Sorry, little jumpy. Whoo!
‐ Uh, hey, that's okay. It's a stressful sit‐‐
‐ It wasn't me, goddamn it!
Kinski: Playing at detectives, they must face death
in all her guises, both that of the victim and their own.
‐ You, uh‐‐you wanna turn that off?
‐ I am afraid that is not possible.
‐ [gulps] We were all in the common area.
Maddox: Bob left first.
We didn't see him for the rest of the night.
Rex: Then I think Gray left for a while.
‐ Ah! He must have left
to do some light murdering, then‐‐
‐ He went to my experimental robot den
to engage in his ultimate fantasy.
‐ Gray is great, but let's just say
I don't leave him alone with Lamont.
‐ I think we get it.
‐ He wants to fornicate with penguins.
‐ Did you know penguins mate for life?
‐ Fantastic. ‐ Did anyone else leave
after Gray? ‐ Sure, I left for a while.
‐ Oh, ho, ho, ho. Very interesting.
‐ I did, twice. ‐ I left four times.
‐ Thank you.
This has all been very unhelpful.
‐ Worse murder suspects ever. ‐ Perhaps not.
I went outside to document the desolate, inky night...
‐ Well, I'll notify the consulate
of the great nation of I‐don't‐care‐istan.
‐ Whilst pouring over footage, I found I had captured
Maddox exiting the murder location at the time of death.
‐ Why didn't you tell us before?
‐ Who can say?
Trying to understand the human motives
only leads to a labyrinth of madness and chaos.
both: Shut up! Archer: Oh, shut up!
All right, let's announce our next contestant
on "Did You Commit Murder?"
And Maddox, come on down!
[overlapping chatter]
Archer: Pam, come on!
You were supposed to get everyone.
That was a big moment.
‐ Maddox ain't coming. ‐ Did she bolt?
‐ No, dummy. She just got murdered.
[overlapping murmurs] ‐ My God, this is terrible.
‐ Seriously, that totally ruins my game‐show thing.
‐ Really? That's the problem?
‐ Um...
I made a Plinko board!
Archer: Guys, we're sure Plinko wouldn't be useful here?
‐ No! ‐ So Maddox
wasn't the murderer.
‐ Ya think? Rex: Look.
If we're going to solve this, it's not going to be
by engaging in petty squabbles!
‐ Man, you don't know us at all.
‐ Can you think of any motive for the murder?
I don't know‐‐any research worth killing over?
‐ Don't be ridiculous.
Our main study has been mapping the depth of ice sheets,
using small explosive charges.
‐ Congratulations.
You just made explosives boring.
‐ Well, they found a flaw in the ice sheet,
which would be catastrophic if it gave way‐‐
a hundred years of sea level rise in ten minutes.
‐ Wow. I stand corrected.
That is in fact so boring,
the word "boring" just killed itself.
‐ Krieger, can you examine these bodies?
We need a clue.
‐ Okay, but these days,
I've got more practice with cephalopod bodies.
‐ What the hell happens in that lab?
‐ Okay, Archer and I are gonna go search Maddox's quarters.
‐ I'll give you a hand. ‐ No, you will not.
You're a suspect.
‐ And just what are we expected to do?
‐ Oh, no, Rexy, Big Mama lost again.
What am I gonna have to take off now?
‐ Strip solitaire is not a thing!
Gray: I'm out. Cyril: What?
‐ Yeah, on people. I'm out.
‐ I can see that. So what now?
‐ Isn't it obvious?
‐ Prison tats! ‐ Exact‐‐no!
We find something else to drink!
I don't care what Trip says.
No one plans for an apocalypse
without a stash of the good stuff.
‐ [gasps] This is a coke sub?
‐ No, I mean, liquor.
‐ Why would they smuggle liquor?
‐ They don't.
‐ So where's the cocaine, lady?
It's called logic. Look into it.
Sandra: Into what?
We don't even know what we're looking for.
‐ Yes, well, you've certainly pinpointed
the very nature of a clue.
‐ The question is, who had the time to ransack the place
after the murder but before Pam announced it?
‐ No, not necessarily. They could have
tossed the place before they killed her.
‐ Shut up, both of you,
with this deductive timeline circle jerk.
‐ Wait a minute. Weren't you the one
reveling in this closed‐door whodunnit?
‐ Before it became a stupid logic puzzle.
Who am I, Bernard Bolzano?
‐ So what do you suggest?
‐ We need to get back to our instincts,
like, uh, this, I guess.
‐ Give me that!
‐ This is Maddox's notebook,
and there are a bunch of pages ripped out.
‐ But before that‐‐ [shrieks]
‐ She went out on the ice, and she found something,
and she was‐‐ ‐ With Rex.
Oh! ‐ Feel that power.
‐ [groaning]
‐ And I'm going to do that every two minutes
until you let us out.
‐ And his anguish was not just in his genitals.
It was in his soul.
‐ Jesus, Cyril.
You leave your nuts in your other uterus?
‐ No!
It's abundantly clear they're still here.
‐ Seriously, what happened to you?
‐ Archer happened to me! Can't you all see that?
He, like, drags you back to your worst self
like some kind of horrible reverse therapist!
‐ Uh, whatever, dude. I feel great.
‐ Girl, if you were any more on the prowl,
there'd be an APB out on your cooch.
You see me backsliding?
I don't even want it anymore.
I gotta keep eating it to fill the void
that eating it creates, like a snake eating
its chocolaty delicious tail. ‐ Um, hi.
Can you come with me to the garage?
Things are getting creepy, and I'd feel better
with an escort. ‐ [munching noisily]
No, you do not see that.
‐ You're right. I'll‐‐I'll stand up to him.
Archer: Hey, Cyril, if you could stop masturbating
for a second, send Pam over with Rex.
Also, you suck.
[both laughing]
‐ [Pam laughing]
Oh! Innapropski.
‐ Rex, my man. There he is.
Hey, can you hand Lamont over to Pam?
‐ Oh! Archer: We know
you did it, asshole!
‐ [gasps] Let go of my beautiful
polar bear!
‐ Maddox's notebook said you went out on the ice
to investigate some blip after the flyover.
‐ That doesn't mean I killed her!
‐ Good point. One second.
Rex: But there could be any number
of reasons we're radioactive.
‐ Oh, I know, and it also explains
the penguin excrement on the ice ax!
‐ Damn it, Lamont! [Lamont coos]
‐ [groans] Malory: It's true.
I've had bottles smuggled into Yemen in a camel's ass.
You only drink what's inside, darling.
‐ So this doesn't seem at all undignified to you?
‐ Why should it? Trip: Uh‐huh.
‐ [gasps] Quick, the closet!
‐ Things are in motion. Just a bit of a cash crunch.
I can say there's gonna be a huge demand
for my floating cities very soon.
[snickering]
[cell phone beeping]
Pull the snowmobiles out of cargo bay.
We have the location of the package,
and I need Team Alpha out in force‐‐armed to the teeth.
‐ Now that's fishy because of the floating cities!
They're on water, where fish live!
‐ Ah, looks like I have insurance
if your team starts to meddle.
And can you possibly whisper any louder?
‐ [in loud whisper] Yes, obviously!
What is with this guy?
‐ Seriously, what's so important
that you had to kill two people?
‐ First off, it's not two.
And‐‐wait. You don't know?
[Lamont coos] Oh, I am sorry.
This has been a massive communication failure.
‐ So you didn't kill Bob!
‐ Oh, no, I totally killed that asshole.
This all gets a little confusing,
so just stay with me.
There was an unauthorized flyover,
and I noticed on radar
that the plane dropped something.
So Maddox and I went out to see what it was.
It was a hydrogen bomb.
We figured someone had dropped it as a way
to transfer it, since they're impossible to smuggle.
So Maddox and I took it back and stashed it.
That night, while we were deciding what to do,
we discovered Bob sabotaging the antenna.
He was trying to isolate the base,
and then he discovered us discovering him.
‐ [groaning] [grunts]
Rex: So when you guys got here,
I thought you were in on it.
‐ So where did you stash it?
‐ Wait. Oh, my God!
Are we in‐‐ Rex: Shackleton's Hut,
historically preserved exactly as it was in 1908.
Well...almost exactly.
‐ Uh, wow.
What are you guys doing down here?
‐ Oh, making moonshine, hydroponic marijuana,
amateur pornography‐‐ you know, for the fans.
‐ And to think I had a crush on you.
Heh. And now I love you.
‐ Maddox and I stashed it right here.
Malory: Nothing!
That's what I've got to show for this whole trip!
‐ Tell me about it!
You wouldn't even give me a tattoo.
‐ Look, let's all just‐‐
[grunting] ‐ Put the gun down.
‐ So, hi. And stab.
‐ Ahh! Are you serious?
‐ Seriously, you are nuts. ‐ Winters get pretty long.
Malory: Sterling, Trip is planning something.
I don't know what, but I have a few pieces of the puzzle.
‐ Excellent. Okay.
Everybody shut up and focus.
We must meticulously walk through
every piece of information we've gathered,
explore every doubt until we've cracked the case.
It will be a long, slow plod
of a conversation.
If everyone is ready... let's begin.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
So, in summary, Trip's putting a hydrogen bomb
on the flaw to destroy the ice sheet
to sell floating cities.
Wow, that wasn't so long.
‐ Well, I guess there's only one question now.
‐ Yeah.
What kind of porn?
[dramatic music]
[Lamont cooing]
Archer: Man, I'm actually jealous
of the guys at the Alamo.
At least they had access
to good Mexican food.
‐ I don't think that they did.
But anyway, if we fail, we're dead, so‐‐
‐ Thank you, Sergeant Sunshine, but, yeah,
we are way outgunned.
‐ I think we can help with that.
The salt water of the pickle juice
acts as a conductor.
When the glass breaks,
the circuit completes,
and it blows one of the charges.
‐ And this is our moonshine, creating the‐‐
‐ Ultimate pickleback. ‐ Jesus Christ.
Archer: Hey, uh, anyone know what's going on?
‐ They should be coming straight toward us.
There's no other way off Antarctica.
‐ Trip does not strike me as the noble suicide type.
‐ [laughs] Yeah, he's more the type to die
in bed with his mistress.
‐ I'm actually seeing him hog‐tied.
He's definitely a sub.
‐ Ah‐ha!
Gillette and Pam, you horny dorks!
Thank God you said that! ‐ Hog‐tied?
‐ There's no way Trip wouldn't have
a remote failsafe shutdown if things went wrong.
I have dealt with this type of person before‐‐selfish,
only thinking of themself at all times,
"screw everyone else" attitude.
I just can't imagine being like that.
‐ [groans] So close and yet so stupid.
‐ All right, we've trained for this.
You truly are my valiant crew.
‐ I'm sorry, what? [static crackling]
‐ What "what"? Everything's normal!
Cheryl: So what are we doing again?
‐ We're going to the engine room,
and we're going to take over the sub.
‐ Will I need Darla?
‐ We'll cross that bridge when you casually stab it.
‐ [laughs]
You can't stab a bridge... or can you?
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
‐ Brine time.
♪ ♪
[gunshots] [men shouting]
♪ ♪
‐ Whoo! [laughs] [static crackling]
‐ Eat halberd!
[laughs] [gunfire]
Damn it, Cyril!
‐ Damn it!
♪ ♪
Archer: Whoo‐hoo!
All right, mop up time!
[explosion booming]
[submarine creaking]
[gunfire]
♪ ♪
Lana: If he gets away, we are all dead!
Yes, Lana, we all still realize that.
‐ What are you doing?
If that propeller turns on, you are Archer sashimi!
‐ And your muscles will stop working in about 30 seconds.
‐ Nah, I'm sure it's not that fast.
‐ Would you please listen for once?
And he's gone.
[dramatic music]
Trip: This is Trip! Get us out of here!
♪ ♪
‐ If you move that hand another inch,
you won't have it anymore.
♪ ♪
[grunts] I knew it!
Would it kill you to share?
♪ ♪
Krieger: Archer.
Archer? Archer!
Wake up, dingus! ‐ Crackers, you nut.
I'll just wait till next time.
‐ There is no next time!
Give me your hand, idiot! ‐ I can't move.
‐ And I can't swim, yet here we are.
Come on, you featherless freak!
[tranquil music]
♪ ♪
Lana: Wow, Archer, I would like to present you
with a medal for being an idiot on every continent!
Gillette: God damn it!
You wanna open your eyes when you shoot?
‐ [laughs] You are pathetic.
‐ Hey, everyone! Why are you bitching?
‐ Hey! You're the one who made
all our lives worse by not being in a coma!
‐ Hmm, true.
Cyril's a wuss, Pam's gone full horn‐monster,
Gillette's probably binging again,
and Lana, you've been a bitch to Sandra
for, like, no reason.
But let me just call up 7.5 billion
of my closest friends to get their opinions.
Oh, hey, guess what!
They're totally fine with it because they're alive!
And how many times did you guys save the world
while I was in a coma?
I'll take your silence to mean zero times!
‐ Honestly, at this point,
I'd wipe out the entire Earth if you went with it.
‐ Did you people ever consider that you need me around
because you want the excuse to be your worst selves?
‐ Oh, shit!
[dramatic music]
‐ Your little victory meant nothing!
I can detonate the bomb remotely.
[cackles sinisterly]
[moans] Ahh!
♪ ♪
‐ [laughs]
So I guess not everything's a helipad.
‐ Made in Georgia.