1 00:00:02,723 --> 00:00:04,191 Why do I seem annoyed? 2 00:00:04,259 --> 00:00:07,761 Let's see... Instead of savoring this espresso, this cigarette, 3 00:00:07,828 --> 00:00:10,130 and the exactly four minutes of free time I have today, 4 00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:12,299 I'm talking to you cockwits. 5 00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:13,300 What else? 6 00:00:13,368 --> 00:00:16,248 Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating for a bunch of diplomats from the 7 00:00:16,304 --> 00:00:18,071 State Department and Albania. 8 00:00:18,139 --> 00:00:21,141 So not only do I have to create a meal out of yogurt and a goddamn 9 00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:23,510 sheep's head, apparently there's been some vague security 10 00:00:23,577 --> 00:00:27,247 threat, so my highly-trained staff... has been infiltrated! 11 00:00:27,315 --> 00:00:29,383 - Sorry... - By Shithead Squadron. 12 00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:33,186 Just need to grab some menus, for-- the camera, why is there a camera? 13 00:00:33,254 --> 00:00:35,989 I assume because this restaurant can't hold three million viewers? 14 00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:36,924 Two-point-eight. 15 00:00:36,991 --> 00:00:38,725 Because it's not promoted properly! 16 00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:40,227 This is gonna be televised?! 17 00:00:40,295 --> 00:00:41,995 Yeah, the show's called Bastard Chef? 18 00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:44,064 Mm. Scuse me. 19 00:00:44,132 --> 00:00:45,632 Thank you, giraffe-lady! 20 00:00:45,699 --> 00:00:49,436 Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing security, and for some inexplicable reason 21 00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:52,839 they have to do that undercover, so- 22 00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:05,852 Whoops. 23 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,655 That's probably why I seem annoyed. 24 00:01:08,722 --> 00:01:10,590 Let's go Chet, c'mon, chop chop. 25 00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:13,093 You're the one who dropped it, why do I have to clean it up? 26 00:01:13,161 --> 00:01:16,796 Because you're the garçon de cuisine, which means kitchen boy, whereas 27 00:01:16,864 --> 00:01:20,700 I am the sous chef, which means shut your face and mop up the damn yogurt. 28 00:01:20,768 --> 00:01:22,169 And why do you get to be sous chef? 29 00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:24,938 Because I have fine dining experience! 30 00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,239 I used to own a restaurant. 31 00:01:26,307 --> 00:01:27,607 It was a burger joint! 32 00:01:27,675 --> 00:01:28,241 Cyril? 33 00:01:28,309 --> 00:01:29,609 I mean Chet? 34 00:01:29,677 --> 00:01:30,610 Archer? 35 00:01:30,678 --> 00:01:31,378 She means Randy. 36 00:01:31,446 --> 00:01:32,479 Can I borrow you? 37 00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:34,681 Sure, Mitzi. 38 00:01:34,748 --> 00:01:36,483 My name is not Mitzi. 39 00:01:36,550 --> 00:01:37,050 Walk-in. 40 00:01:37,118 --> 00:01:37,851 Now. 41 00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:39,586 Yeah, I got time for a quickie. 42 00:01:39,653 --> 00:01:40,620 Wait, a what? 43 00:01:40,688 --> 00:01:41,888 Arch -- Randy! 44 00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:44,391 Whoaaa, whoaaa... ungh! 45 00:01:45,259 --> 00:01:46,926 You guys can edit that out, right? 46 00:01:46,995 --> 00:01:47,760 Yes. 47 00:01:47,828 --> 00:01:49,729 But we won't. 48 00:01:49,797 --> 00:01:53,766 So, quick question, do you think it's a good idea to be talking to a 49 00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:54,468 TV crew when we're undercover? 50 00:01:54,535 --> 00:01:58,938 Fake names, duh, follow-up question, do you know how TV actually works? 51 00:01:59,007 --> 00:01:59,725 I -- 52 00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:02,845 They're not gonna broadcast this episode in this restaurant tonight! 53 00:02:02,877 --> 00:02:03,643 Wait, are you guys? 54 00:02:03,711 --> 00:02:06,279 No, we -- Like a closed-circuit deal, or...? 55 00:02:06,347 --> 00:02:07,047 No. 56 00:02:07,115 --> 00:02:10,283 Because come to think of it, I don't know how TV actually works either. 57 00:02:10,351 --> 00:02:11,472 How about geopolitics? 58 00:02:11,486 --> 00:02:14,021 - Eh... - Because if anything goes wrong tonight, 59 00:02:14,088 --> 00:02:17,690 US-Albanian relations could become even more unstable, so -- 60 00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:18,691 What the shit?! 61 00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:21,428 Speaking of unstable -- that guy is a powder keg. 62 00:02:21,496 --> 00:02:26,033 Why is there yogurt frickin' soup all over my spotless frickin' kitchen?! 63 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:26,566 Randy did it. 64 00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:31,104 Whoa whoa, first of all, no I didn't, and second, these bowls are the worst! 65 00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:34,083 Look, they're like, totally slipper-- 66 00:03:21,890 --> 00:03:23,590 Seize, please hold. 67 00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:24,790 Seize, please hold. 68 00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:26,230 Seizepleasehold seizepleasehold! 69 00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:26,940 seizepleasehold! 70 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:28,100 Rrrg! 71 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:28,760 What're you doing? 72 00:03:28,830 --> 00:03:31,330 Well I'll tell you what I'm not doing -- Besides your job? 73 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,300 My job, is -- Answering the damn phone. 74 00:03:34,370 --> 00:03:38,040 A task so simple that if the health department should let me, I'd have a monkey do it. 75 00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:38,610 Why? 76 00:03:38,610 --> 00:03:40,010 No, I was obviously being facetious. 77 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,710 I would never allow a monkey in my restaurant. 78 00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:44,510 Except maybe in the form of an exquisitely prepared entrée. 79 00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:48,550 No, I mean you're booked solid for... Holy shit, the next ten months? 80 00:03:48,620 --> 00:03:50,390 So why even bother answering the phone? 81 00:03:50,450 --> 00:03:51,990 To tell people they can't eat here. 82 00:03:52,050 --> 00:03:53,850 So, to drive people away, basically. 83 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:54,960 Those people. 84 00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:57,060 That's not even the real phone number for reservations. 85 00:03:57,130 --> 00:03:57,830 I'm sorry? 86 00:03:57,890 --> 00:03:59,090 The real number's a secret. 87 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,330 Closely guarded by people I deem acceptable. 88 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,930 So, just so I'm clear, instead of assessing the security needs for 89 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,740 tonight, I'm answering phone calls from people who aren't good enough 90 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,270 to eat here in the first place. 91 00:04:09,340 --> 00:04:13,970 Yeah, so try to sound apologetic, but not, ya know, overly so. 92 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:14,640 Seize. 93 00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:17,550 I'm sorry, we have nothing available for the next ten months. 94 00:04:17,610 --> 00:04:19,850 Mmmkaybye. 95 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:21,050 Keep trying. 96 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,480 Ugh, why? 97 00:04:22,550 --> 00:04:23,950 Besides I said so? 98 00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:25,050 They're booked. 99 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,920 If I'd known I couldn't get a table I'd have never 100 00:04:26,990 --> 00:04:28,820 agreed to do security! 101 00:04:28,890 --> 00:04:30,490 Why do they need security anyway? 102 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,600 There was a... threat, of some sort, it's all rather vague, 103 00:04:34,660 --> 00:04:37,430 but when those State Department dweebs see just 104 00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:43,240 how good ISIS really is, mark my words... one day soon we'll be a major player. 105 00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:45,740 What. 106 00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:48,540 - No, you know, just... - You say 107 00:04:48,610 --> 00:04:50,610 that like you believe it. 108 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:51,550 Wh-? Hey! 109 00:04:51,610 --> 00:04:52,650 Get me a table. 110 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:59,490 Or the fish gets it. 111 00:05:00,860 --> 00:05:01,890 Jesus, what's the big deal? 112 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:07,660 That's my fish, his name's Jermaaaine! 113 00:05:07,730 --> 00:05:08,630 Oh. 114 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,160 I thought he was just your food. 115 00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:11,300 Food?! 116 00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:13,430 We're not making food, people! 117 00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:14,840 We are creating cuisine! 118 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:16,700 Food is what a dog eats! 119 00:05:16,770 --> 00:05:17,710 Or a tourist! 120 00:05:17,770 --> 00:05:19,510 Wait, a dog ate a tourist? 121 00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:20,110 What! 122 00:05:20,180 --> 00:05:22,080 That was ambiguously worded! 123 00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,040 Gnfgh! 124 00:05:23,110 --> 00:05:24,410 Was that ambiguous?! 125 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,280 Why? 126 00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:26,980 Are you antagonizing him? 127 00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:30,550 Cyril, c'mon, it's my nature. See? 128 00:05:30,620 --> 00:05:31,890 Yeah, kinda! 129 00:05:31,950 --> 00:05:32,990 Well how about this?! 130 00:05:33,050 --> 00:05:33,720 Gnfgh! 131 00:05:33,790 --> 00:05:36,190 Plus he can't aim for shit, he's pulling everything to the right. 132 00:05:36,260 --> 00:05:38,830 And if you can't turn that into promo gold, you should honestly 133 00:05:38,890 --> 00:05:40,160 consider suicide. 134 00:05:40,230 --> 00:05:41,560 Hang on, there's a bumper. 135 00:05:41,630 --> 00:05:43,230 Now prep, you [BEEEEEP] maggots! 136 00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,970 And then bleep out [BEEEEEP], since Darlene won't let me say that. 137 00:05:46,030 --> 00:05:48,900 But seriously guys, we do have a lot of food to prep, so... 138 00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:52,610 Uh, the food's spalttered all over the wall and floor and... 139 00:05:52,670 --> 00:05:55,380 Chet here, so -- So scoop it into a bowl. 140 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,950 Nobody'll know, it's Albanian glop, the entrée's a frickin sheep face. 141 00:05:59,010 --> 00:06:02,020 I value all cultures equally highly. 142 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,980 Should you be smoking in here? 143 00:06:04,050 --> 00:06:05,750 Should you be flaming in here? 144 00:06:05,820 --> 00:06:08,420 - Ya know... - Boom! Bumper! 145 00:06:08,490 --> 00:06:11,060 He's just such a... bastard! 146 00:06:11,130 --> 00:06:12,030 Wh-? 147 00:06:12,090 --> 00:06:13,590 And that's not my name! 148 00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:14,730 Yeah, "Child-Murderer" 149 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:19,330 shouldn't be hyphenated, that makes it seem like he's a murderer who's also a child. 150 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,100 Actually no, it doesn't -- Actually yes, it does. 151 00:06:22,170 --> 00:06:26,170 "Publicity whore" isn't hyphenated, so why-- Why the shit?! 152 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:26,810 Are you maggots! 153 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,280 Not prepping?! 154 00:06:28,340 --> 00:06:30,480 I -- wait, are you doing a bumper? 155 00:06:30,550 --> 00:06:34,720 Coming up, on Bastard Chef! 156 00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:36,050 Aaaaaagh! 157 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,220 Aaaaaaagh! 158 00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:40,250 I have seriously never been happier. 159 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,460 Aaaaaagh! 160 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,220 Boom, bumper. 161 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,330 Wait, so what'd Malory say exactly? 162 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,900 I -- she said "credible threat." 163 00:06:56,970 --> 00:06:59,840 I know, but what kind of credible -- Cyr -- Chet! 164 00:06:59,910 --> 00:07:00,910 I need those onions! 165 00:07:00,970 --> 00:07:02,340 Yes, chef! 166 00:07:02,410 --> 00:07:02,740 Ha! 167 00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:03,910 He has to call me chef. 168 00:07:03,980 --> 00:07:06,410 How and why are you enjoying this? 169 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,950 Well for one thing I'm pretty drunk. 170 00:07:10,020 --> 00:07:13,090 And besides bartending in Polynesia, I've never had a real job, so -- 171 00:07:13,150 --> 00:07:14,250 Wait, never? 172 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:18,360 Uh... oh, when I was ten I asked if I could sell "Grit" door to 173 00:07:18,430 --> 00:07:20,830 door, so I could win some of those x-ray specs? 174 00:07:20,890 --> 00:07:22,360 But Mother said they were fake. 175 00:07:22,430 --> 00:07:24,130 And also that I'd get raped and murdered. 176 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,430 It is like peeling an onion with you. 177 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:27,370 Right? 178 00:07:27,430 --> 00:07:27,930 Oh wait. 179 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:28,500 Chet! 180 00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,500 Onions! 181 00:07:30,570 --> 00:07:31,400 Here. 182 00:07:31,470 --> 00:07:34,840 What dish are they going in? 183 00:07:34,910 --> 00:07:36,110 Oh eat a dick! 184 00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,010 That's eat a dick, chef! 185 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,050 And for a third thing, I think I actually might be good at this. 186 00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:42,710 Okay, yeah, nice technique, Randy. 187 00:07:42,780 --> 00:07:43,820 Thank you, chef. 188 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:45,250 Want me to prep the 'shrooms? 189 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:46,950 No I got these, you do the aubergines. 190 00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:47,690 Right away, chef. 191 00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:52,620 If Chet gets his incompetent thumb out of his equally incompetent ass! 192 00:07:52,690 --> 00:07:55,530 Nice, yes, that is excellent A.B.B.A.B. 193 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:56,800 Always Be Berating And Belittling. 194 00:07:56,860 --> 00:07:57,460 And you. 195 00:07:57,530 --> 00:08:03,670 Time to lean, time to get your distracting tits off my line. 196 00:08:03,740 --> 00:08:04,970 Hey, is something burning? 197 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,710 Oh wait, it's you, because you just got burned. 198 00:08:07,770 --> 00:08:10,380 I -- oh my God, you admire that dick. 199 00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:11,770 He's a master chef, Lana. 200 00:08:11,810 --> 00:08:15,210 Which turns out is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. 201 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,850 I mean it's no secret agent, but it's way above architect. 202 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,250 Speaking, of secret agent, at some point before the restaurant is full 203 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,590 of diplomats, I'd love to go over the-- Menu, I know, let's -- 204 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:25,720 Plan! 205 00:08:25,790 --> 00:08:27,130 On going over the menu, yes. 206 00:08:27,190 --> 00:08:30,660 Get child murderer Gilles de Rais in here and I'll walk you through it. 207 00:08:30,730 --> 00:08:32,860 Answer the goddamn phone, woman! 208 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:34,630 Seriously, Mitzi, how hard is that? 209 00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,240 Rrgh! 210 00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:38,000 Now nobody's picking up! 211 00:08:38,070 --> 00:08:39,870 A monkey could do this stupid job! 212 00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:41,670 And yet I pay you to do it. 213 00:08:41,740 --> 00:08:43,380 Oh, so now I'm a monkey?! 214 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,250 No, because a monkey-- Hoo ooo ooo 215 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:49,080 ooo eee eee eee eee! 216 00:08:49,150 --> 00:08:50,220 What is this, Spain? 217 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:55,470 I mean, it is just constant A.B.B.A.B. 218 00:08:57,020 --> 00:08:58,560 Is that supposed to funny? 219 00:08:58,630 --> 00:08:59,260 Yes. 220 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,460 And also I think you might have low blood sugar. 221 00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:05,760 And I need you to focus, so we can get Cruella de Vil's mom in there 222 00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:08,130 a damn table before she kills Jermaine! 223 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,640 It's immpoossiibllle. 224 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:12,470 And what's so important about a stupid goldfish? 225 00:09:12,540 --> 00:09:16,280 Okay A, he's not a goldfish, and B-- Please don't berate me. 226 00:09:16,340 --> 00:09:19,710 Please don't make me, and B... Tell 'em Thuy! 227 00:09:19,780 --> 00:09:21,580 Toi ca voi ban nam ngan! 228 00:09:21,650 --> 00:09:24,520 Con ca Jermaine se giet con ca cua ban! 229 00:09:24,580 --> 00:09:27,350 Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine! 230 00:09:27,420 --> 00:09:29,390 Anyhoo, without gettin all into the details, 231 00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:32,490 I may or may not owe fourteen thousand dollars to some people 232 00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,730 you wouldn't wanna owe fourteen cents. 233 00:09:34,790 --> 00:09:36,760 I so can't relate to that. 234 00:09:36,830 --> 00:09:37,700 Could you try? 235 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:39,230 No. 236 00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:42,170 Could you pretend to try? 237 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,300 Yes! 238 00:09:43,370 --> 00:09:44,270 Absolutely not. 239 00:09:44,340 --> 00:09:46,310 Absolutely yes, Chet, c'mon I need 240 00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:49,140 the tongues first, and then every bit of meat scraped off those cheeks. 241 00:09:49,210 --> 00:09:49,970 Is that all? 242 00:09:50,010 --> 00:09:52,080 You don't want the... frickin eyeballs?! 243 00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:52,510 Oh. 244 00:09:52,580 --> 00:09:55,580 - Okay, so the tongues second... - I'm not cutting out their eyeballs! 245 00:09:55,650 --> 00:09:57,750 Well not with that, use a melon baller. 246 00:09:57,820 --> 00:09:58,820 I -- Ooh! 247 00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:00,350 I'm gonna go make a big pitcher of melon balls. 248 00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:00,940 You want one? 249 00:10:00,990 --> 00:10:02,850 No I don't want a damn melon ball! 250 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:03,960 Suit yourself. 251 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:08,060 But trust me, you are gonna want a melon baller. 252 00:10:08,130 --> 00:10:10,100 Okay, what's the word, how we doing? 253 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,130 Well I've swept the entire place for explosives, 254 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,230 and it's clear. 255 00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:14,200 That's the good news. 256 00:10:14,270 --> 00:10:16,400 The bad news is, if this vague threat is gunmen, we've 257 00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:20,810 got ingress points here, here, and... You are talking about eggplants. 258 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,380 No Lana, I'm talking about aubergines. 259 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,210 They're the -- They're the same thing. 260 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:26,110 Oh. 261 00:10:26,180 --> 00:10:27,950 Then where does auberge fit in? 262 00:10:28,010 --> 00:10:30,150 En nulle part, imbécile, parce qu'un auberge 263 00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:30,980 est un petit hôtel! 264 00:10:30,980 --> 00:10:32,450 Ahh, tu parles français? 265 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,690 Ouai. 266 00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:35,790 Then go answer the goddamn phone! 267 00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:40,690 Okay, moment of truth, taste test. 268 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,400 - Please don't B-and-or-B me too hard... - Mm! 269 00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:46,130 Not bad, Randy, not bad at all! 270 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,160 Thank you, chef. 271 00:10:47,170 --> 00:10:48,800 Just needs a little kick in the ass. 272 00:10:48,870 --> 00:10:50,370 Oh, and speaking of, where is Chet? 273 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,270 In the walk-in, weeping like a child. 274 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:57,710 Nice! 275 00:10:57,780 --> 00:10:59,180 Man, you shoulda been a chef. 276 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:00,910 Ohh... pshaw. 277 00:11:00,980 --> 00:11:01,680 I'm serious. 278 00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:03,850 I mean, maybe being a secret agent isn't your true calling. 279 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,680 Yeah, my Mother says that a lot... 280 00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:07,690 Oh what, so now I suppose you're 281 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,520 just going to sit there and pout?! 282 00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:13,090 Well I didn't get you into this, mister! 283 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,930 You got yourself into this! 284 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,700 And the clock is ticking, my friend. 285 00:11:20,770 --> 00:11:23,770 So, just so I'm clear... You want me to use this 286 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,170 top-secret 934-TX telephonic isolator unit, 287 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,610 for which you have neither the clearance nor 288 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,340 the written permission to even gaze upon, to find all 289 00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,880 phone numbers associated with this physical address. 290 00:11:35,950 --> 00:11:38,750 Yeah, Gilda Gotrocks here says ritzy joints like Seize have 291 00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:41,620 reservation numbers that're strictly on the QT. 292 00:11:41,690 --> 00:11:43,220 What is this, Spain? 293 00:11:43,290 --> 00:11:44,490 I mean the Thirties? 294 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,630 A flagrant violation of my sworn duty, for which my 295 00:11:47,690 --> 00:11:50,500 recompense will be, if in fact I heard you correctly... 296 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,560 Yes, you in fact did, and said recompense 297 00:11:52,630 --> 00:11:54,600 will in fact be a handjob. 298 00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:55,330 No. 299 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,100 From her. 300 00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:56,770 Yes! 301 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:57,300 Wh-?! 302 00:11:57,370 --> 00:11:57,740 No! 303 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:58,170 Yes! 304 00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,070 Please! 305 00:11:59,140 --> 00:12:01,640 C'mon, if I don't make good on that last fish-fight, 306 00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:04,680 you're gonna find me in a dumpster somewhere way out in Red Hook! 307 00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:08,150 Ya know, if you're ever in Red Hook snoopin around in random dumpsters. 308 00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:09,880 Great, so it's give him a handjob or 309 00:12:09,950 --> 00:12:11,820 change up my whole Sunday routine? 310 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,120 Um... apparently. 311 00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:17,260 Ugh, this is so unfair. 312 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,570 - Okay... - But I am not spitting in your face. 313 00:12:19,630 --> 00:12:25,230 I -- Take it or leave it. 314 00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,160 Mmmyello? 315 00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:26,900 See how I did that? 316 00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:28,700 Just pick up the phone and talk into it? 317 00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:31,540 I -- And how did you get this number? 318 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,300 Which Kennedy. 319 00:12:32,370 --> 00:12:36,110 Because if it's Teddy he still owes me for a urinal, so -- oh. 320 00:12:36,180 --> 00:12:36,910 Oh. 321 00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:38,140 Yes, absolutely. 322 00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:41,050 Eight o'clock, table for four, thank you. 323 00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:51,620 - Thank yoooooooooooooouaaaagh... - Thank you. 324 00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:54,260 Hoo ooo ooo ooo eee eee eee eee! 325 00:12:54,330 --> 00:12:56,500 I think I'm -- Ptoo! 326 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,930 in love with you. 327 00:12:58,830 --> 00:13:02,070 And yet I will die alone. 328 00:13:02,130 --> 00:13:03,340 Yeah, probably. 329 00:13:08,630 --> 00:13:10,770 Okay, listen up! 330 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,970 Tonight has to go perfectly, because it is wall to wall VIP's out there. 331 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,640 We've got the Albanian ambassador and all his little diplomat buddies... 332 00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:22,310 And also Little Vernie Kennedy, JFK's crazy niece or cousin or something. 333 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:30,190 And then Teddy walks into the library wearing nothing but a whiskey sour! 334 00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:31,990 Oh, Teddy. 335 00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:33,060 Such a scamp. 336 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:34,960 So no screw ups! 337 00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:35,860 Now get to work! 338 00:13:35,930 --> 00:13:37,330 Talking to you, Gayvid Niven! 339 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,160 Oh, eat a di -- What was that? 340 00:13:39,230 --> 00:13:40,100 Yes, chef! 341 00:13:40,170 --> 00:13:41,470 Randy, ready the soup. 342 00:13:41,530 --> 00:13:44,470 I'll be out front, favoring the guest of honor with an aperitif 343 00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:45,900 and my presence. 344 00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:48,940 - And here you are, Mr. Ambassador... - I prefer to 345 00:13:49,010 --> 00:13:50,740 be called Your Excellency. 346 00:13:50,810 --> 00:13:52,180 Well, people in hell want ice water. 347 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:53,510 Ray! 348 00:13:53,580 --> 00:13:55,050 What is your problem?! 349 00:13:55,110 --> 00:13:58,220 Besides not knowing if I should add an eighteen percent gratuity? 350 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,550 Because I can, it's a party of six or more, but if they were gonna tip 351 00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:03,920 twenty percent, I just hosed myself. 352 00:14:03,990 --> 00:14:06,060 Not to mention US-Albanian relations. 353 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:09,330 So instead of insulting the ambassador, whom we're here to protect -- 354 00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:10,600 Protect him from what? 355 00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:14,370 The only threat around here is -- Dying of thirst, apparently. 356 00:14:14,490 --> 00:14:17,690 I've been trying to get a table at Seize for months and when I finally 357 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:23,060 do, instead of Casteau's world-famous risotto, I have to eat sheep face -- 358 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,010 Wait a minute... 359 00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:25,440 -- so for God's sake, the least you can do 360 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,200 is keep my wine glass full! 361 00:14:27,270 --> 00:14:28,870 Oh my God, it's you! 362 00:14:28,940 --> 00:14:30,340 You're the threat! 363 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,960 You couldn't get a table so made an anonymous threat and then got 364 00:14:32,970 --> 00:14:35,240 ISIS hired to do security! 365 00:14:35,310 --> 00:14:37,880 Well that's still no excuse for poor service. 366 00:14:37,950 --> 00:14:39,080 Wow. 367 00:14:39,150 --> 00:14:40,110 Okay, you know what? 368 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,410 Excuse me! 369 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:44,050 Yes, tell them all about it. That'll do wonders 370 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,750 for US-Albanian relations. 371 00:14:48,460 --> 00:14:49,790 Bon appetit! 372 00:14:49,860 --> 00:14:52,560 Hi, yeah, are you done shouting at my guests 373 00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:53,830 in barely-passable French? 374 00:14:53,890 --> 00:14:55,130 Oui. 375 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:58,230 Then go help Mincent Price with the -- 376 00:14:58,770 --> 00:15:00,010 Eighty-six soup! 377 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:03,600 Aww man, I'm frickin starving... 378 00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:05,440 Here ya go, gang, get in here. 379 00:15:05,510 --> 00:15:07,370 I brought a buncha crackers and jelly. 380 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,480 You promised you'd stop doing that! 381 00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:17,320 They were in my tuxedo from last time! 382 00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:21,990 For the love of God, will you -- 383 00:15:22,060 --> 00:15:24,020 Kicked out in the first act. 384 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:29,030 Well, we didn't have to fight for a cab. 385 00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:29,930 What? 386 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,930 Tell Randy, as his final act before 387 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,570 I walk back into the kitchen and murder him with his own shoes, to -- 388 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,470 Fire the entrées! 389 00:15:36,540 --> 00:15:37,640 Rrrrgh! 390 00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,370 Yeah, might as well. 391 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,880 Because, Randy -- except, of course, for your mother -- 392 00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:43,910 there is no threat. 393 00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:46,050 Tell that to my tavë kosi! 394 00:15:46,110 --> 00:15:48,680 The tender flesh of which I'm now ruining under 395 00:15:48,750 --> 00:15:51,020 the broiler, because I have no soup! 396 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:51,550 Ew. 397 00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:52,720 And who's fault is that? 398 00:15:52,790 --> 00:15:56,420 The -- whatever idiot invented those slippery-ass bowls! 399 00:15:56,490 --> 00:15:59,890 Now get -- back here and mop it up, Chet! 400 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,830 Chef...Eat a dick. 401 00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:03,700 A toast! 402 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,200 To His Excellency, the Ambassador Extraordinary and 403 00:16:06,270 --> 00:16:07,830 Plenipotentiary of Albania! 404 00:16:07,900 --> 00:16:10,740 And to a long, peaceful, and prosperous friendship between 405 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,070 his great nation and ours. 406 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:13,710 Gezuar! 407 00:16:13,770 --> 00:16:14,610 Gezuar! 408 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,640 While we sit here dying of thirst... 409 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,880 Hang on, I might have a juice box in -- 410 00:16:19,950 --> 00:16:21,010 Ron?! 411 00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,110 Thenk you, chef. 412 00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:26,550 The dolma, the rakia... I feel I am home in Albania. 413 00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:28,520 Just wait until you try my tavë kosi. 414 00:16:28,590 --> 00:16:29,150 Oooh! 415 00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:32,090 Tavë kosi is my most fevorit! 416 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,530 If you'll excuse me, I need to make 417 00:16:33,590 --> 00:16:35,260 sure my sous chef hasn't ruined it. 418 00:16:35,330 --> 00:16:35,960 It's ruined. 419 00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,470 No, it's actually really good. 420 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,860 Cyril and/or Chet? 421 00:16:38,930 --> 00:16:41,000 No, Cyril and Chet are now vegans. 422 00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:43,000 Aww, and just when I thought I 423 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,540 couldn't hate both of them more. 424 00:16:44,610 --> 00:16:46,570 Now get these entrées to the table! 425 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,610 Move, maggots, everybody take a tray! 426 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:49,310 Yes, chef! 427 00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:50,310 Right away, chef! 428 00:16:50,380 --> 00:16:51,440 Not you, Chet. 429 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,310 You look like a dinosaur's tampon. 430 00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,010 Boom! 431 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:54,880 Bumper! 432 00:16:54,950 --> 00:16:57,550 I am just killing it today. 433 00:16:57,620 --> 00:17:00,450 - Well finally... - Yeah, sorry, we were dealing with 434 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,560 this incredibly obnoxious hoax, so... 435 00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:06,660 So can I at least assume there will be a wine pairing? 436 00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:07,860 Mmmm! 437 00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:12,630 Chef Rendy, this is the best tavë kosi I ever tested! 438 00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:15,900 I -- grk! 439 00:17:18,870 --> 00:17:20,410 Wow, you really do like it. 440 00:17:20,470 --> 00:17:22,440 Your Excellency? 441 00:17:22,510 --> 00:17:23,710 He's dead! 442 00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:27,880 Wait, no, the threat was a hoax! 443 00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:28,710 A what?! 444 00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:29,210 Lana! 445 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,080 Oh my God! 446 00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:35,020 Well you can forget about ISIS working for the State Department! Ever! 447 00:17:35,090 --> 00:17:37,620 And sir, please, I'm sure this was just a terrible allergic 448 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:38,960 reaction! 449 00:17:39,030 --> 00:17:39,590 Yes! 450 00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:40,530 To poison! 451 00:17:40,590 --> 00:17:40,990 What?! 452 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,200 No, I started with the freshest ingredients, like -- 453 00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:45,670 Oh my God, the mushrooms! 454 00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:50,270 Casteau must've put poison mushrooms in the -- Pam! 455 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:51,140 What. 456 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,770 Nothing, here, have mine. 457 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:53,540 You sure? 458 00:17:53,610 --> 00:17:54,290 Pam! 459 00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:57,280 Okay, let's get Casteau before he -- He's gone! 460 00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:58,640 And also on the phone! 461 00:18:00,010 --> 00:18:00,930 Oh Teddy! 462 00:18:00,950 --> 00:18:02,210 Ever the scamp! 463 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,680 Please, let's have dessert and -- 464 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:05,420 No time! 465 00:18:05,490 --> 00:18:07,690 We have an embassy to close! 466 00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:09,860 So that's a "no" on the wine pairing? 467 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,890 Malory, a man's just been murdered. 468 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:12,360 But how? 469 00:18:12,430 --> 00:18:13,550 I mean, we all ate a little. 470 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,130 Or a lot. 471 00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,060 You said I could have it! 472 00:18:16,130 --> 00:18:17,400 But, if it wasn't the food... 473 00:18:17,460 --> 00:18:18,760 How the hell did he get poisoned? 474 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:21,600 I coated his glass with cyanide, you idiots! 475 00:18:21,670 --> 00:18:22,570 For the toast! 476 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:23,960 Ooh, there's toast? 477 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,940 Give me that. But chef... why?! 478 00:18:26,010 --> 00:18:27,610 Six million bucks! 479 00:18:27,670 --> 00:18:30,140 Which I'm gonna use to deficit-finance a new show, 480 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,640 where I travel, so I can insult people's cooking all over the 481 00:18:32,710 --> 00:18:33,480 globe! 482 00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:35,110 Now there's a show I'd like to -- 483 00:18:35,180 --> 00:18:38,120 wait, you won't get away with this! 484 00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:40,190 Well, you say that... 485 00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:43,320 Oh, and remember when I said you could've been a great chef? 486 00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:44,290 Yes? 487 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,790 Every morning I make two cooks like you in the toilet. 488 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:48,960 Why?! 489 00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:51,460 Why couldn't he let me have the dream?! 490 00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,600 Why can't you let me have some wine? 491 00:18:53,670 --> 00:18:55,300 What is this, Spain in the Thirties? 492 00:18:55,370 --> 00:18:58,040 And way, way more importantly, who would pay 493 00:18:58,110 --> 00:19:02,310 six million dollars just to make ISIS look like idiots? 494 00:19:02,380 --> 00:19:04,110 Seriously, for that much money we coulda built 495 00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:05,440 a whole new bionic man. 496 00:19:05,510 --> 00:19:06,850 Dun't tempt me, Barry. 497 00:19:06,910 --> 00:19:07,580 Boom! 498 00:19:07,650 --> 00:19:12,820 Bumper! 499 00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:18,160 Nooooooooooooooooooo! 500 00:19:18,230 --> 00:19:21,600 Wow, remind me not to piss you off. 501 00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:23,440 Remind yourself! 502 00:19:25,530 --> 00:19:26,830 Yes, dear.