1
00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:03,586
[SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:05,713
ARCHER:
And so here's what I propose:

3
00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:09,592
We finish these, get some roadies,
head back to my huge penthouse...

4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,053
...drink chilled champagne
served by my valet...

5
00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:14,347
Isn't it pronounced "valet"?

6
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,724
Only if he's parking your car.

7
00:00:16,892 --> 00:00:20,395
Then we slip into my new hot tub
and see where the evening takes us.

8
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:24,107
Well, I have to wait until my friend
comes back from the powder room.

9
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,943
Obviously we're gonna wait for her.
She's the hot one.

10
00:00:27,111 --> 00:00:28,194
[GASPS]

11
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:29,570
Pig!

12
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:30,822
[CHUCKLING]

13
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,615
Uh, I'm sorry, is something funny?

14
00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:35,284
Just that last part,
where she slapped you.

15
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,620
Yeah? You like physical humor?

16
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:38,955
[GRUNTING]

17
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:40,957
Depends on the situation.
Ow.

18
00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:44,627
You okay?
No, I'm not o... Oh, my God.

19
00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:46,671
You're Burt Reynolds.
Yes, I am.

20
00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:49,340
And if I let you up,
are you gonna do anything stupid?

21
00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:50,842
No, no, I'm not.

22
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,803
Hi, Sterling Archer.
Sterling Archer?

23
00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:56,597
Yeah, you heard of me? Right?
Well, just from your...

24
00:00:56,765 --> 00:01:00,893
Press clippings. Hard to stay anonymous
when you're the world's greatest secret agent.

25
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:04,647
Calling yourself that can't help.
Hang on, true story. Operation C.I.A.?

26
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:08,484
That movie's basically why
I became a secret agent in the first place.

27
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:09,652
Really?
Yes.

28
00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,362
That movie was just god-awful.

29
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:15,158
What's awful is I almost punched you.
Heh, heh. No, you didn't.

30
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,493
I've seen all your other movies
like five times.

31
00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:22,498
Sam Whiskey, Navajo Joe, Fuzz, Hooper,
Shamus, Shark, The Longest Yard...

32
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:26,502
...Deliverance, the Smokeys,
White Lightning, obviously Gator.

33
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:28,838
Oh, I even saw At Long Last Love.

34
00:01:29,006 --> 00:01:31,674
Yeah, yeah. Well...
I thought you were great.

35
00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:33,676
Really?
I mean...

36
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,595
Well, I wanted to.
Me too.

37
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,889
Listen, I kind of have a date.

38
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:41,058
No, no, no, Mr. Reynolds, wait.

39
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:45,605
Sorry. Let me buy you a drink.
I wanna tell you my idea for a Gator sequel.

40
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,273
Gator was a sequel.
I know.

41
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,318
And this will be the final chapter
in the McKlusky trilogy.

42
00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:54,030
Trilogy? Huh.
Yeah, with twice as many airboats as Gator.

43
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,866
Twice as many would be none.
What? Gator had...

44
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,201
Speedboats, not airboats.

45
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,912
Really? Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure. I directed it.

46
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:04,415
Okay, but this one has airboats,
and they're central to the plot.

47
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:07,543
It sounds great, kid, but like I said,
I kind of have a date...

48
00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:11,714
I get it. You gonna take her upstairs
and give her The Longest Yard?

49
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:14,050
Uh, heh...
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!

50
00:02:14,218 --> 00:02:16,219
Mother? What are you doing here?

51
00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:19,555
What are you doing here?
I'm kicking it with...

52
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,766
Burt? Oh, no. No.
Yeah. Yeah.

53
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:24,310
Remember how I said I kind of have a date?
Oh...

54
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,104
It's kind of with your mom.
Oh, Burt Reynolds.

55
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:28,564
[THUD]

56
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:30,942
I hope that's not gonna be a problem.

57
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:11,941
MALORY:
Oh, please!

58
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,735
Burt Reynolds didn't give you a black eye,
the floor did.

59
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,612
When you fainted like a schoolgirl.

60
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,823
It was an involuntary reaction, Mother...

61
00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:23,452
...to seeing you all tarted up
to meet my hero in a hotel bar for sex.

62
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:28,207
Oh, for... We were meeting for drinks.
I mean, obviously sex was implied, but...

63
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,043
Ugh!
And since when is he your hero?

64
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,503
Since always!

65
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:35,256
[SINGING]
Eastbound and down

66
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:38,759
I thought that was Richard Petty.
Which doesn't even merit a response.

67
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:42,972
And you cannot date Burt Reynolds.
Can, am, and will continue to do so.

68
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,308
I'm serious, I will do something drastic.

69
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:49,020
You will not. Mainly because you've got
bigger things to worry about.

70
00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:52,356
I'll be the judge of... A Cuban hit squad
is in New York to kill me?

71
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,650
Apparently.
This intel's a week old.

72
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:58,112
Why are you just telling me about it now?
Because.

73
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,406
Pick up, Sterling. Pick up, pick...

74
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,867
ARCHER [ON RECORDING]: Hello?
Sterling, dear, it's me. There's...

75
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:05,953
Voicemail. You know what to do.
Oh, for God's sake.

76
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:09,206
ARCHER: Hello? Oh, man. Hold on.
Sterling? Sterling, dear, it's me.

77
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,500
Hold on, hold on! Hang on.
Pick up, Sterling.

78
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:12,919
[VASE SMASHES AND CAT MEOWS]

79
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,128
I got it.

80
00:04:14,296 --> 00:04:15,421
Sterling?
Don't hang up!

81
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,590
[PANS CLATTER
THEN ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

82
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,175
ARCHER: Hello?
Sterling, it's...

83
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:21,510
Elaborate voicemail hoax.

84
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,012
Leave it.

85
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,181
[GRUNTING]

86
00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:28,684
And then I just forgot about it,
because that same night, I met...

87
00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:29,852
[INTERCOM BEEPS]

88
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:33,439
CHERYL [OVER INTERCOM]:
Burt Reynolds is on line one!

89
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,858
Oh...
For you, for some reason.

90
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:39,362
Burt, dear, what a lovely surprise.

91
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:42,573
BURT: I'm sitting here with just a mustache
and memories of last night.

92
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,408
Oh, Burt.
Ugh!

93
00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:49,372
Also a blanket.
The AC in my room's stuck on freeze.

94
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:54,126
Deliverance, Gator,
and this is him in Cosmo.

95
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,045
How totally hot is he?!

96
00:04:56,213 --> 00:04:59,924
I swear to God, you could drown a toddler
in my panties right now.

97
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,968
I mean, not that you would, but...

98
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,219
Hey!
ARCHER: Shut up!

99
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,471
You're not my supervisor!

100
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,889
Wait, who is my supervisor?

101
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,391
MALORY: Carol!
Oh, right.

102
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:11,268
Go get my gray fox out of cold storage.

103
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:14,939
Burt Reynolds is taking me
to a movie premiere tonight, so...

104
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:18,609
Help me, God, if you throw
that computer on the floor again...

105
00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:23,906
...you'll wake up in a mental ward with
total amnesia under someone else's name!

106
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,866
That's actually kind of scary.
Eh.

107
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:27,451
Wouldn't be the first time.

108
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:30,621
Archer, hey, about this expense report...
Not now, Cyril.

109
00:05:30,789 --> 00:05:35,334
Mother is ruining what remains of my life
before a Cuban hit squad assassinates me, so...

110
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:37,044
[WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

111
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,421
[LAUGHING]

112
00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,423
Yeah, laugh it up, Lana.
I am.

113
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,258
You almost got shot in the face.

114
00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:43,467
Get off.
You get off.

115
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,594
Cyril, I'm pretty tense right now.

116
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,764
Because of the Cubans or because
Burt Reynolds is doing your mom?

117
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:49,974
[CHUCKLING]

118
00:05:50,142 --> 00:05:51,851
Yeah, laugh it up.
I am.

119
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,020
Cyril...
Burt Reynolds is actually banging...

120
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,938
Ow! Unh.
Archer!

121
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:58,024
You broke my freaking nose!
What's that?

122
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,444
Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound
of "I broke your nose."

123
00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:04,822
Bullying Cyril isn't gonna make
Burt Reynolds stop shtupping your mom.

124
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,115
He's not doing that!

125
00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,451
But even if he is, which he is...
No, he isn't!

126
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:12,455
- This Cuban hit squad is no joke.
If I were you, I'd lay low in the safe house...

127
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:15,541
...for a few days until
we work out a plan to neutralize them.

128
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,585
Oh. Yeah, okay. The safe house.

129
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:21,130
I'm sorry, your words made sense,
but your sarcastic tone did not.

130
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,799
Because there are no Cubans.
Uh...

131
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:25,760
Mother just wants me out of the way...

132
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,637
...so she can do unspeakable things
with Burt Reynolds.

133
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:30,681
So nice try, idiot.

134
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:34,310
I love it that I'm the idiot.

135
00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:38,439
MALORY: So unless the building is
literally on fire, none of you are to call me.

136
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,941
Because, as I may have mentioned...
Fifty times.

137
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:44,153
- Tonight I will be attending
a movie premiere with Burt Reynolds.

138
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:47,698
Oh, my God, that totally reminds me.
This came for you. From him.

139
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:48,908
And you opened it?

140
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,410
That's how I knew it was from him.
Give me that.

141
00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,788
"Dear Malory, it's been..."

142
00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:55,831
[GASPS THEN SOBS]

143
00:06:56,500 --> 00:07:00,336
"Dear Malory, it's been real,
but I'm dumping you for a young starlet...

144
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:03,214
...and heading back to Tinseltown.

145
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,634
Do not contact me.
Regards, Burt Reynolds."

146
00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:09,845
MALORY:
"Regards"? They weren't even warmest!

147
00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:13,599
Wait a minute. Who calls it Tinseltown?
Carol Channing?

148
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:17,603
Or somebody who just thinks
that's what movie stars call Hollywood.

149
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,979
Stockard Channing.

150
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:22,024
Archer. His mother, dating his man-crush?

151
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,859
I bet Archer kidnapped him.
How?

152
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,403
Archer goes to Burt's hotel room.

153
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,613
Archer?
Burt.

154
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:31,367
LANA: Knocks him out...
CHERYL: Archer knocks out Burt Reynolds?

155
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:34,203
LANA: With gas.
Oh, shit.

156
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,665
And then hides him somewhere,
like an idiot kid hiding a lamp he broke.

157
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:40,668
You really think he'd do that?
ARCHER: Yes, really.

158
00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:43,546
I'm serious. If you ever go near
my mother again...

159
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,090
...I will do something really bad.

160
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:48,717
Then you should probably
just get it over with.

161
00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:50,553
Don't worry, I... Wait, what?

162
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,347
Because if you don't kill me and I get loose...

163
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,308
...you're gonna wish you were in hell
with your back broke.

164
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,478
I don't have a response to that.

165
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,063
They never do.

166
00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,774
[LAUGHING]

167
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,573
MALORY:
It's my own fault. I should've known.

168
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,701
They tell you they love you
and then they just cast you aside...

169
00:08:13,869 --> 00:08:17,580
...when some young starlet catches their eye
with her perky little boobs!

170
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:21,917
Mm. I bet they were perky and big.
Jeez...! Ow!

171
00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:24,003
Why are you torturing her like that?

172
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,046
Why are you asking rhetorical questions?

173
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,256
[MALORY SOBBING]

174
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:30,092
Aw. That's actually kind of sad.
All right, here's the plan.

175
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,720
I say we go rescue Burt Reynolds,
and as a bonus...

176
00:08:32,888 --> 00:08:34,972
...beat some sense into Archer's
head and ass.

177
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,891
Yeah! Right in the head and ass.

178
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:40,561
So, Pam, Carol, stay here with Malory.
Everybody else, let's go to Archer's.

179
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:44,607
He's got a Cuban hit squad after him.
Why wouldn't he go to the safe house?

180
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:48,903
A, because he thinks they're imaginary,
and B, the safe house doesn't have a...

181
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:53,574
New hot tub! Fifty jets, hand-hewn
California redwood, no big deal.

182
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,534
The California redwood is endangered.

183
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,161
So? I already got my tub.

184
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,538
Woodhouse, Burt Reynolds.
Burt, Woodhouse.

185
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,665
Hi.
Loved you in Gone with the Wind.

186
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,792
Not him. Shut up, get him a drink.

187
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,211
What's your poison?

188
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,087
Pimm's Cup.
Odd choice.

189
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:08,881
Well, the whole thing's pretty odd.

190
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,133
What's odd is you wanting
to date my mother.

191
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,928
Why is that odd?
Because you're you, and she's...

192
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:17,598
Beautiful, smart, funny, successful.
Mm. Like, one of those, tops.

193
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:20,476
Not to mention drop-dead sexy.
Oh, dear God, yes.

194
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:22,478
Woodhouse!
I shall fetch a cucumber.

195
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:24,813
You have to not date my mother.
Can't do it.

196
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,107
Can't or...?
Won't, whatever. Pick one.

197
00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:30,236
Then here's what's gonna happen.
You'll drink your Pimm's Cup...

198
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:33,405
Which is exciting. Never had one.
Mm-hm. Then I'm gonna knock you out.

199
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:37,868
You'll wake up in a mental hospital with
total amnesia, under someone else's name.

200
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,996
Now that's an idea for a movie.
Yeah, I think it already was.

201
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,539
I wasn't in it.
Maybe not...

202
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:45,668
Fade in: A mental ward.
White walls, white sheets...

203
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,045
...nurses in crisp white uniforms...

204
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:51,131
...broken men shuffle like zombies.

205
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,260
We see a hospital wristband
on a man's arm, John Doe.

206
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:59,556
And we slowly tilt up to see a man's face:
Gator McKlusky.

207
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:00,766
[GASPS]

208
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,394
And he's looking out the window,
the afternoon sun on his face.

209
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:06,355
A spark of recognition in his eyes.
Know what he's looking at?

210
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,816
No.
The Okefenokee Swamp.

211
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,526
There's a mental hospital there?

212
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:13,862
Right on the water.
And guess what's tied up out there at the dock.

213
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,615
An airboat! And the head nurse falls
in love with him...

214
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,493
...and finds out who he really is,
so she helps him escape.

215
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:22,496
And they get chased by dirty cops,
but in the end they win!

216
00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:24,748
And you just got a screenplay credit.

217
00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:26,625
For real?
Yeah, maybe even...

218
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:28,544
Your Pimm's Cup,
sir.

219
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,212
Doesn't it come in a silver chalice?

220
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,840
Uh, that would be a pimp cup, sir.

221
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,049
Oh.

222
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:37,386
I hate to sound Hollywood,
but could you put my Pimm's Cup in a...?

223
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,971
Pimp cup? Certainly.

224
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,973
It would be an honor, Mr. Gable.

225
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,392
ARCHER: Maybe even what?
Executive producer.

226
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,145
Executive producer?! But I'm not...

227
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,397
...falling for that, you big liar.

228
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,150
You're not gonna make that movie.
Oh, I absolutely am.

229
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:55,612
And once your ISIS buddies find out
that you kidnapped me and come find me...

230
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,906
...I'm gonna give them all an EP credit.

231
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,784
No, you're not.
So drink your stupid Pimm's Cup...

232
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,619
Yeah, where are we with the chalice?

233
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,414
- Because nobody is coming for you, Burt.

234
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,083
And especially nobody from ISIS.
LANA: Okay.

235
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,586
Don't take this the wrong way...

236
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:14,173
...but I'm kind of wondering how
you're gonna be an effective field agent.

237
00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,342
Interesting, coming from a woman.

238
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,344
Excuse me?
Burn.

239
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,553
MAN:
Eh?

240
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,472
[MAN SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

241
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,307
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

242
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,319
I mean, don't get me wrong,
I'm all for affirmative action, but...

243
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,613
Oh, my God. Okay, first of all...

244
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,448
Hey, guys?
LANA: Zip it, nerds!

245
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:43,160
I was twice the agent you were when
your legs worked, so don't hand me that...

246
00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:44,453
Shit!
What the...?

247
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,621
Duck!

248
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:49,917
Aah!
And this conversation isn't over!

249
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,293
Isn't it?!

250
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,504
No, no, no! My brand-new van!

251
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,590
Holy shit! Lana! Hang on!

252
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,093
Cuban hit squad! I gotta go!

253
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,929
Would you go?!
I can't yet!

254
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:05,015
And now I... Sorry.
Now I do actually see your point.

255
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,101
CYRIL:
Krieger, go!

256
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:10,687
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

257
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:15,651
Damn, Krieger can't outrun anything
with all that handicapped shit.

258
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,487
I gotta go after them,
but this conversation is not over.

259
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:19,780
You'll never catch them.

260
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:22,241
Yes, I will!
No, you won't. I've seen you drive.

261
00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,785
Heh, heh.
You drive like an egg.

262
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,328
You think you can outdrive me?

263
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,913
And I'll bet on it.
Go on.

264
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:32,000
If I don't catch them,
I will just ride off into the sunset.

265
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:35,629
Where they don't have telephones
to ever call my mother again ever?

266
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,798
On my word. And if I do catch them...

267
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,800
You keep dating my mother,
yeah, got it.

268
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:43,887
And since we've wasted a shitload of
time already, I feel pretty good about this bet.

269
00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:47,182
So let's do this!

270
00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:49,351
[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

271
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,942
You're kidding me.
It drives me nuts.

272
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,944
It's like the world's slowest elevator.

273
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:01,530
This is like the
world's slowest van!

274
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:03,532
It's all this handicapped shit!

275
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:07,286
Jesus, God, I get your point!

276
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:11,582
You should get a Bat-Pole.

277
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:13,125
Nine thousand bucks.
What?

278
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,127
Lowest quote I got.
That's ridiculous.

279
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:18,213
For just putting a pole
where the garbage chute already is.

280
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:21,633
But the co-op board was like,
"But what'll we do with the garbage?"

281
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:25,262
Yeah, but you could still throw it down the...
Whatever, the same shaft.

282
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:28,140
I know.
And then you'll have some garbage to land on.

283
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,601
If you're coming in hot, I know,
it's a win-win.

284
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:33,854
And you were gonna pay for it yourself,
no assessment or anything.

285
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:35,272
Yep.

286
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:38,317
Ridiculous.
Preaching to the choir, buddy.

287
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:39,818
[SIGHS]

288
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:43,030
That's not your car, is it?
Yeah, why?

289
00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:46,575
Nothing, just didn't know
they sold those to men.

290
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,785
Yeah, laugh it up, Burt.
I am.

291
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,954
[LAUGHING]

292
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,420
[ARCHER SCREAMING]

293
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:02,633
Heh, heh, heh.
Burt, it's too fast! You're going too fast!

294
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,260
No such thing.
Yes, such thing. Slow down.

295
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:08,055
BURT: Don't you wanna help your friends?
ARCHER: I don't care about them.

296
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:10,599
You do. You just pretend you don't
because you're afraid of...

297
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:11,808
[LINE RINGING]

298
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,144
Dying in this freaking car!

299
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:15,395
BURT:
Emotional intimacy.

300
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:16,688
Oh, my God, you...

301
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,440
LANA [OVER PHONE]:
You are such an asshole!

302
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:21,360
Lana! Lana, we're coming to help.
Where are you?

303
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:26,114
Heading north on the FDR at 60th.
Getting shot at by your damn Cubans.

304
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,075
Which is totally not cool!

305
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,118
Great. Now tell her to keep going north.

306
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:33,121
Doesn't matter, we can't catch them.
We're all the way acr... Oh, shit!

307
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,623
[TIRES SCREECHING]

308
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,458
We'll catch them. I know a shortcut.

309
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,503
What...? How?
I did a TV series here called Hawk.

310
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,046
I forgot about Hawk!

311
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,132
He was part Indian.
Right!

312
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,052
[SIRENS WAILING]

313
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,681
Whoa. Now it's officially a chase.
Hooray!

314
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,642
BURT: You know what your problem is?
ARCHER: My pants are wet?

315
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:57,312
You only see your mother as your mother.
But she's also a person.

316
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,107
She has hopes and dreams
and fears and needs.

317
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,441
Don't make it weirder.

318
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,653
Not sexual needs... Well, maybe those too.

319
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:09,491
- But personal, professional, all that stuff
that makes a person who they are.

320
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:12,661
And until you... Oops. Hang on.
What...?

321
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:19,376
Holy shit! Burt Reynolds!

322
00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:22,754
Hey, if you just pay attention,
you might just learn something here.

323
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:27,134
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound
of my giant throbbing erection.

324
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:28,844
[THUD AND ARCHER YELLS]

325
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:31,430
How about now?
It's gone. I'm all ears.

326
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,515
Good, because my point is...

327
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,726
Oh, wait, wait. You're gonna wanna see this.

328
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,519
See wh...? No!

329
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:38,895
Burt, no!

330
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,105
[CHUCKLING]

331
00:15:40,523 --> 00:15:41,940
Please, don't do this.

332
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:45,861
Oh, shit!

333
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,533
My pants are now literally wet.

334
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:54,161
And my point is,
until you can look at your mother...

335
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,663
...and see her not just as your mother...

336
00:15:56,831 --> 00:16:00,667
...but as a person, a real person,
you can't grow up.

337
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,337
Huh.
Food for thought.

338
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,756
And if I were you,
I'd come to terms with that...

339
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,091
...because I plan to be seeing a lot of her.

340
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:11,553
Oh, uh... By "a lot of her," I mean...
I get it.

341
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:14,890
But I guess you're out of luck,
because we had a...

342
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:16,725
...bet. Goddamn it.

343
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,727
Now what do you say we have some fun?

344
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,270
Whatever.

345
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:21,688
[GUNSHOTS]

346
00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:23,398
Oh, my God, not the van.

347
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:26,735
Will you please drive straight?!

348
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,029
No, serpentine, serpentine!

349
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:31,156
[SCREAMS]

350
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,366
[GRUNTS]

351
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:35,160
Oh, hello.
Hello.

352
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,745
[GIGGLING]

353
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:39,456
Holy shit! It's Burt Reynolds!

354
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:40,707
[BURT SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

355
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,794
Now watch what I do right here.
Yeah, duh, I only invented it.

356
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:47,756
Oh, well, nice to meet you, Hal Needham.
Whatever.

357
00:16:48,758 --> 00:16:49,841
[TIRES SCREECHING]

358
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,347
[ASSASSINS SCREAMING]

359
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,974
Ha, ha, ha.
That was actually pretty sweet.

360
00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:02,270
Oh, looks like we're in danger
of a frown turning upside-down.

361
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,022
Cut it out, that tickles.

362
00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:05,524
Heh, heh, heh.
Burt, come on.

363
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:06,942
[LAUGHING]

364
00:17:07,110 --> 00:17:08,276
Cut it out.

365
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,779
Burt, watch the goddamn road.
Oh, shit.

366
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:12,823
Sorry about that.

367
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:15,367
You should be.
That was totally irresponsible.

368
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:16,785
[GUNS COCK]

369
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:21,998
[SCREAMING]

370
00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,961
Kick-ass!
Stupid villains!

371
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:27,379
Wait, was that the same footage?

372
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,880
[BURT CHUCKLES]

373
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:31,299
LANA: Thanks, Burt!
Anytime, darling.

374
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:34,094
But you probably wanna go ahead
and slow down.

375
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:35,387
LANA:
Oh, shit!

376
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,806
Krieger, brakes!
KRIEGER: I am!

377
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:40,642
They're not doing anything!
We're gonna die!

378
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:44,271
A round must have cut the brake line!
That's okay, I got it.

379
00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:45,897
What do you mean you g...? Oh, shit!

380
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,649
[TIRES SCREECHING]

381
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:49,818
Um...

382
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:56,074
Unh!
Hang on, everybody.

383
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,494
[SCREAMING]

384
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:01,997
[CHUCKLING]

385
00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:11,673
Everybody okay?

386
00:18:11,841 --> 00:18:13,341
I'm okay.
I may need a doctor.

387
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,803
Okay?! No, we're not okay!

388
00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,847
Look at Vanispheres!

389
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,766
No, we okay.

390
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,184
Don't you touch me!

391
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,771
Uh... Is that a ghost?
No, no, it's... Never mind.

392
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,355
We're good. Thank you, Burt.

393
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:30,358
Oh, no, don't thank me, thank, uh...

394
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,819
Uh, you...
Right, right.

395
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:36,948
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think we can still make that movie premiere.

396
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,534
Ah! You're taking me to the premiere?

397
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:44,873
Leave me for some hot little 20-year-old?

398
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,959
Well, I'll show him.
I'll go find me a 10-year-old!

399
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,253
Ew!
Yeah, I don't think you wanna do that.

400
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:53,673
Shut up.
Okay. Taxi!

401
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:55,675
[ALL GASP]

402
00:18:55,927 --> 00:18:57,677
You!
Malory, wait, I can...

403
00:18:57,845 --> 00:19:00,680
Save it! Nobody wants your...
Mother, Burt...

404
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:03,266
...mustache rides around here, buster!

405
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:07,479
Oh! Oh, my God.
Listen, Burt didn't write the note. I did.

406
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,565
You what?
I know, I'm sorry, I...

407
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:11,942
Ow. Ow. Ow!

408
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:13,527
What is wrong with you?!

409
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,654
A lot, actually.
He's kind of a mess.

410
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:19,741
I am too. Look at me. Raccoon eyes...

411
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:21,159
I think you look beautiful.

412
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:24,621
And I for one would love
to walk you down the red carpet.

413
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:28,375
And I for one would be delighted.

414
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:30,669
Have a good time, Mother.

415
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:32,254
And I honestly mean that.

416
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:33,964
Oh, blow it out your ass.

417
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:35,423
[LAUGHING]

418
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:36,591
[MALORY GASPS]

419
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:38,260
Oh, Burt!

420
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:42,556
Oh, Burt Reynolds is so freaking awesome.

421
00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,891
Yeah, he actually kind of is.

422
00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:50,939
And I for one am gonna go watch Hooper
and masturbate till my fingers bleed.

423
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:54,025
Just tape them up.

424
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:31,271
[English - US - PSDH]