1
00:00:02,618 --> 00:00:05,929
What do you even do here?
Sit on your ass and analyze data?
2
00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:09,481
I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton,
I risk my life, so yeah...
3
00:00:09,601 --> 00:00:12,293
I do deserve the best space
in the parking garage.
4
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:14,315
Like it would kill you to roll 50 feet.
5
00:00:14,435 --> 00:00:15,872
Stupid thing's electric.
6
00:00:15,992 --> 00:00:19,160
Archer, I still haven't got those
TNE reports you promised.
7
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:21,071
Are you sure? You didn't eat them?
8
00:00:21,191 --> 00:00:24,555
Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me
I've been finding solace in food.
9
00:00:24,675 --> 00:00:28,206
Well, keep your chins up Cyril.
All eleven of them.
10
00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:30,798
Cyril's about half a rack, huh?
11
00:00:30,918 --> 00:00:32,482
Yeah, so why do you pick on him?
12
00:00:32,602 --> 00:00:34,596
I, oh, was that a rhetorical?
13
00:00:34,716 --> 00:00:36,116
And why are you
bleaching everything?
14
00:00:36,184 --> 00:00:38,937
Ugh... because it
sneezed out here!
15
00:00:38,975 --> 00:00:39,820
Okay.
16
00:00:39,888 --> 00:00:40,687
And is mother in?
17
00:00:40,755 --> 00:00:44,014
- Oh, she's in there, all right,
- And they're expecting you.
18
00:00:44,134 --> 00:00:45,514
Thanks, crazy.
19
00:00:45,634 --> 00:00:46,391
Who's they?
20
00:00:46,511 --> 00:00:47,919
Hello, Archer.
21
00:00:48,039 --> 00:00:48,862
Trinette?!
22
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:49,961
Why are you here?
23
00:00:50,081 --> 00:00:53,100
You don't call me for a year,
and that's how you talk to me?!
24
00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:54,034
Yes, dear.
25
00:00:54,102 --> 00:00:55,335
Where are your manners?
26
00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:56,003
Oh, I'm sorry.
27
00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:58,138
I guess I skipped the Emily post
chapter about how to introduce
28
00:00:58,206 --> 00:01:00,040
your mother to a hooker!
29
00:01:00,108 --> 00:01:01,341
Escort! Ya puke.
30
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:02,510
And I'm retired.
31
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:03,377
Yeah?
32
00:01:03,444 --> 00:01:04,378
Your 401k doing that well?
33
00:01:04,445 --> 00:01:06,079
I have a sep, smartass!
34
00:01:06,147 --> 00:01:07,014
Oh, and this.
35
00:01:07,081 --> 00:01:10,017
So I ain't worried about gettin' by.
36
00:01:10,084 --> 00:01:11,852
What is... Why, is
this a subpoena?
37
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,120
It's for the paternity test.
38
00:01:13,187 --> 00:01:13,887
The what?!
39
00:01:13,955 --> 00:01:17,081
Yes, "the what," dear...
And "the who."
40
00:01:17,201 --> 00:01:18,709
What who?!
Who is that?!
41
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,694
Why, this is Seamus
McGoon Sterling.
42
00:01:20,762 --> 00:01:23,897
No, Seamus Sterling McGoon Archer.
43
00:01:23,965 --> 00:01:25,949
And why is that "who"
named like me?!
44
00:01:26,069 --> 00:01:27,251
Why do ya think?
45
00:01:27,371 --> 00:01:28,535
I'm asking you why!
46
00:01:28,603 --> 00:01:30,312
Because he's your son.
47
00:01:30,432 --> 00:01:33,454
You colossal idiot.
48
00:01:39,637 --> 00:01:50,430
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
49
00:02:10,638 --> 00:02:11,472
Why?
50
00:02:11,592 --> 00:02:15,110
Why didn't you just get the vasectomy
like I ask you to?
51
00:02:15,230 --> 00:02:18,091
- Honestly, I thought it would hurt.
- And this doesn't?
52
00:02:18,211 --> 00:02:19,687
- It-it's apples and oranges.
53
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:22,528
- I'm not ready to be a grandmother.
- Really? But you're so...
54
00:02:22,648 --> 00:02:24,004
Grandmother-ly?
55
00:02:24,124 --> 00:02:25,509
No... Old.
56
00:02:25,629 --> 00:02:27,990
If and when I am ready for a grandchild
57
00:02:28,110 --> 00:02:30,197
it won't be the potato face spawn
58
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,765
- of some Irish whore!
- Exactly. It's probably not!
59
00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:34,132
I mean, seriously, what're
the odds on that?
60
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,034
- So she had a lot of... Ugh...
- You kidding?
61
00:02:36,102 --> 00:02:38,303
I used to have to book
her weeks in advance.
62
00:02:38,371 --> 00:02:40,572
- Although...
- Although what?
63
00:02:40,639 --> 00:02:42,221
Um... whew!
64
00:02:42,741 --> 00:02:44,777
Wow, Trinette, that was amazing.
65
00:02:44,897 --> 00:02:46,711
Yeah, that... Wh-?!
66
00:02:46,779 --> 00:02:48,112
Wait a minute!
67
00:02:48,180 --> 00:02:48,980
[ Clink! ]
68
00:02:49,047 --> 00:02:49,347
You liar!
69
00:02:49,414 --> 00:02:53,151
This ain't a condom wrapper,
it's from a frickin' candy bar!
70
00:02:53,218 --> 00:02:55,186
So? Sometimes
I like to treat myself.
71
00:02:55,254 --> 00:02:57,674
Well, sometimes I like to ovulate!
72
00:02:57,794 --> 00:02:59,991
Well, I gotta sleep, so
do it somewhere else.
73
00:03:00,058 --> 00:03:01,225
Money's on the dresser.
74
00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:02,026
Nothing.
75
00:03:02,094 --> 00:03:03,315
Hundred-to-one, he's mine.
76
00:03:03,435 --> 00:03:04,893
Well, he better not be!
77
00:03:05,013 --> 00:03:07,665
My God, I couldn't bear the
shame it would bring on this
78
00:03:07,733 --> 00:03:09,367
- family to have... um...
- No.
79
00:03:09,434 --> 00:03:11,135
Please, mother,
finish that thought!
80
00:03:11,203 --> 00:03:13,204
Oh my God, you're
such a hypocrite!
81
00:03:13,272 --> 00:03:15,072
You were gonna say
"illegitimate child"!
82
00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:18,009
No, I was going to say "bastard."
83
00:03:18,076 --> 00:03:19,388
Ouch.
84
00:03:19,508 --> 00:03:21,442
I mean, that's gotta hurt, huh?
85
00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:23,944
Why should I care if Archer
knocked up some dumb hooker?
86
00:03:24,012 --> 00:03:27,148
Because babies are soft-skulled, fat
little germsacks, and now we've all
87
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:29,269
been exposed to that
one's bacteria!
88
00:03:29,389 --> 00:03:30,418
What?
89
00:03:30,486 --> 00:03:31,573
Don't engage her.
90
00:03:31,693 --> 00:03:34,489
But c'mon, Lana, you dated Mr. Archer
forever and...
91
00:03:34,556 --> 00:03:36,691
And you have nothing
to show for it.
92
00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,107
Paging doctor Loggins.
93
00:03:38,227 --> 00:03:41,572
Couple things... One, I don't need
a baby to validate my existence.
94
00:03:41,692 --> 00:03:45,533
Two, the absolute last person
on earth I'd have a baby with
95
00:03:45,653 --> 00:03:48,558
is Archer, because he
is not sold separately.
96
00:03:48,678 --> 00:03:52,643
Did you try...
Yeah, I'll come over, mother.
97
00:03:52,763 --> 00:03:54,436
Just gimme... 20 minutes.
98
00:03:55,156 --> 00:03:55,946
[ Sigh ]
99
00:03:56,014 --> 00:03:56,914
Well, I'm sorry, Lana!
100
00:03:56,982 --> 00:03:59,083
But I didn't invent the
childproof pill bottle!
101
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:02,453
So as far as Archer's concerned, I actually
feel like I dodged the world's most
102
00:04:02,521 --> 00:04:03,759
dysfunctional bullet.
103
00:04:03,879 --> 00:04:06,407
Yeah, but Cyril was...
Oh, wait!
104
00:04:06,527 --> 00:04:08,764
Did he have some sort
of character flaw?
105
00:04:08,884 --> 00:04:11,700
Hello, hello, hello!
106
00:04:13,322 --> 00:04:15,867
Couple things...
[ Struggling sounds ]
107
00:04:16,535 --> 00:04:19,470
- Yeah, we are code blue here...
- Hey, yeah, blue!
108
00:04:19,538 --> 00:04:20,805
Like for baby boys!
109
00:04:20,872 --> 00:04:24,108
- No, I meant like for her face, but...
- No, like for let's have a
110
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:27,478
baby shower for Trinette
and the wee baby Seamus!
111
00:04:27,546 --> 00:04:28,479
Oh, my God, yes.
112
00:04:28,547 --> 00:04:30,934
But you're place is disgusting,
so where can we have it?
113
00:04:31,054 --> 00:04:33,926
Well, Archer's got
that bangin' pad.
114
00:04:33,951 --> 00:04:35,349
Ooh, he'll hate that!
115
00:04:35,469 --> 00:04:36,520
I wanna come!
116
00:04:36,521 --> 00:04:39,144
Ooh, I think I just did...
117
00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,839
And, so, thank you both for coming.
118
00:04:41,959 --> 00:04:45,310
Even though, Mr. Archer is the only
party named in the subpoena.
119
00:04:45,348 --> 00:04:47,385
Well, we both have
invested interest
120
00:04:47,423 --> 00:04:49,007
in the outcome of this silly test.
121
00:04:49,127 --> 00:04:52,503
And said test will, obviously, be
administered by a third party, so...
122
00:04:52,571 --> 00:04:53,905
A third party?!
123
00:04:53,947 --> 00:04:56,474
But we have a state-of-the-art
laboratory at ISIS!
124
00:04:56,489 --> 00:04:57,758
[ Brrrrrrrrpppt! ]
125
00:04:58,084 --> 00:05:01,762
Normally, I wouldn't let an intern
do this on his first day but...
126
00:05:02,316 --> 00:05:04,205
Chet?
127
00:05:04,325 --> 00:05:05,792
How's it hanging, buddy?
128
00:05:05,865 --> 00:05:06,852
I'm sure you do.
129
00:05:06,892 --> 00:05:09,973
But our client has concerns
about the integrity of the test results,
130
00:05:10,093 --> 00:05:14,287
given your agency's...
clandestine nature.
131
00:05:14,407 --> 00:05:18,809
Oh, and by the way, super-crazy about
that elevator pretending it's a dryer.
132
00:05:18,934 --> 00:05:19,735
Barry?
133
00:05:19,785 --> 00:05:23,968
But all kidding aside, ODIN will be
providing security for the paternity test.
134
00:05:23,969 --> 00:05:25,220
- Odin?!
- Oh, yeah.
135
00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:26,204
Hello, Archer.
136
00:05:26,324 --> 00:05:26,874
Barry.
137
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,110
- How's it hanging, buddy?
- Hanging great, Barry.
138
00:05:29,230 --> 00:05:29,908
How's the leg?
139
00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:32,310
Barry, does it hurt?
140
00:05:33,227 --> 00:05:35,317
Cause it looks like
it kinda hurts.
141
00:05:35,906 --> 00:05:40,207
It did hurt, and it still does, so...
So how can Trinette afford ODIN?!
142
00:05:40,327 --> 00:05:41,774
This is pro Bono.
143
00:05:41,894 --> 00:05:44,577
Consider it payback for
my shattered femur.
144
00:05:44,697 --> 00:05:46,779
And that reminds me... doctor Ben?
145
00:05:46,891 --> 00:05:49,216
Wh-?!
And what the hell is this?!
146
00:05:49,336 --> 00:05:52,932
We take a blood sample from Archer...
My God?
147
00:05:53,052 --> 00:05:54,549
What year is this?!
I know, right?!
148
00:05:54,669 --> 00:05:56,493
Why can't you just
take a DNA swab?!
149
00:05:56,553 --> 00:05:59,188
A blood sample is enough
to determine paternity.
150
00:05:59,256 --> 00:06:01,157
And after we take a liter...
A liter?!
151
00:06:01,224 --> 00:06:02,057
How much is a... Owww!
152
00:06:02,125 --> 00:06:05,528
Archer will be left in a weakened state,
which should prevent his attempting to
153
00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:07,029
compromise the test.
154
00:06:07,097 --> 00:06:09,832
Turtlenecks, I invented those.
155
00:06:09,900 --> 00:06:10,533
You're bleeding him dry!
156
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,568
Ser'sly, Barry, how
much is a liter?
157
00:06:12,636 --> 00:06:13,469
About 8 gills.
158
00:06:13,537 --> 00:06:17,339
What's a gill? You're just talkin' in circles.
Thanks doctor Ben.
159
00:06:17,407 --> 00:06:18,013
Next!
160
00:06:18,133 --> 00:06:22,344
Under ODIN guard, the sample is taken
to the vault of First Savings Bank.
161
00:06:22,464 --> 00:06:25,395
I don't know why I told you where,
but it doesn't matter, as the
162
00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:28,217
bank and vault will be
surrounded by ODIN agents.
163
00:06:28,285 --> 00:06:31,520
Merely an added precaution, as
the vault is basically one big
164
00:06:31,588 --> 00:06:34,456
shitstorm of
anti-intrusion devices.
165
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:38,948
Tomorrow, in full view of both
parties, we will test the sample
166
00:06:39,068 --> 00:06:42,311
here, along with a blood sample
from wee baby Seamus, thus
167
00:06:42,431 --> 00:06:45,818
ensuring complete accuracy
of the paternity test.
168
00:06:45,890 --> 00:06:46,824
Any questions?
169
00:06:46,891 --> 00:06:50,861
Yeah, Barry...
I'm still unclear on the liter thing?
170
00:06:50,929 --> 00:06:53,426
Vis-a-vis, uh, unit of volume
171
00:06:59,197 --> 00:07:01,076
I seriously don't
feel good at all.
172
00:07:01,196 --> 00:07:04,573
That's because those ODIN ghouls
drained a fifth of your blood.
173
00:07:04,641 --> 00:07:07,376
Oh hey, speaking of fifth...
A drink's the last thing you need!
174
00:07:07,444 --> 00:07:12,081
Well, you might want one too, cause...
Pretty decent chance the baby's mine.
175
00:07:12,148 --> 00:07:13,315
What?!
176
00:07:13,383 --> 00:07:14,983
What happened to a
hundred-to-one?!
177
00:07:15,051 --> 00:07:18,020
I may have uh,
massaged that number.
178
00:07:18,088 --> 00:07:21,056
How can I show my face around
town if... Trudy Beekman
179
00:07:21,124 --> 00:07:22,524
will eat me alive for this!
180
00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:23,158
Decent chance.
181
00:07:23,226 --> 00:07:26,497
Oh, oh, oh, and I can just forget all
about getting on the board at the met!
182
00:07:27,797 --> 00:07:28,664
The museum or the opera?
183
00:07:28,732 --> 00:07:29,398
Either!
184
00:07:29,466 --> 00:07:35,571
Sterling Malory Archer, you...
are going to break in that vault
185
00:07:35,638 --> 00:07:38,407
and replace your blood
with someone else's!
186
00:07:38,475 --> 00:07:39,408
Someone else's blood.
187
00:07:39,476 --> 00:07:43,345
Yeah, great, I'll just have Igor
bring a villager up to my castle.
188
00:07:43,413 --> 00:07:44,079
Oh, Igor!
189
00:07:44,147 --> 00:07:45,514
Yeesss?
190
00:07:45,582 --> 00:07:46,812
Oh, evening sir.
191
00:07:46,932 --> 00:07:47,616
Hello, mum!
192
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,218
Woodhouse, what the hell is this?!
193
00:07:49,285 --> 00:07:50,919
It's a baby shower!
194
00:07:50,987 --> 00:07:53,188
What's it look like, ya puke?
195
00:07:53,256 --> 00:07:53,722
Ugh.
196
00:07:53,790 --> 00:07:55,334
I think I could use a drink.
197
00:07:55,454 --> 00:07:56,681
Sterling?
198
00:07:56,732 --> 00:07:57,501
Pick a villager.
199
00:07:57,569 --> 00:07:59,716
Why did you let them in my house?!
200
00:08:00,205 --> 00:08:02,755
Because I told you to buy
lemon curd, Woodhouse!
201
00:08:02,875 --> 00:08:05,276
Now what am I gonna
spread on my toast?
202
00:08:05,343 --> 00:08:06,506
Your tears?!
203
00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:10,681
They just sort of barged in, sir...
Uh-huh.
204
00:08:10,749 --> 00:08:12,315
And why are you barefoot?!
205
00:08:12,435 --> 00:08:15,018
Oh, you guys, it's so sweet.
206
00:08:15,117 --> 00:08:16,654
I made that!
207
00:08:16,721 --> 00:08:20,191
It was gonna be a ham cozy,
but then I was like "eh."
208
00:08:20,258 --> 00:08:20,824
So.
209
00:08:20,892 --> 00:08:22,760
Well, he can use it as a blankie.
210
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:23,761
And... eww.
211
00:08:23,828 --> 00:08:25,696
What is this, homemade
salad dressing?
212
00:08:25,764 --> 00:08:27,398
Breast milk.
213
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,433
I have my own.
214
00:08:29,501 --> 00:08:31,168
So you won't need this.
215
00:08:31,236 --> 00:08:34,238
It's some plastic
dry cleaner bags.
216
00:08:34,306 --> 00:08:36,640
Oh, and a book about SIDS.
217
00:08:36,708 --> 00:08:37,174
Wh-?!
218
00:08:37,242 --> 00:08:38,876
What kinda shit gift is that?!
219
00:08:38,944 --> 00:08:40,110
Yeah, right?
220
00:08:40,178 --> 00:08:41,545
I made mine.
221
00:08:41,613 --> 00:08:42,246
Me too!
222
00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:43,247
That's disgusting.
223
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:46,617
If I wanted to look at your bare
feet, I'd sneak in and
224
00:08:46,685 --> 00:08:47,799
do it while you were asleep!
225
00:08:48,351 --> 00:08:49,119
Well?
226
00:08:49,187 --> 00:08:50,254
Have you picked out a donor?
227
00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:50,721
Yeah.
228
00:08:50,789 --> 00:08:53,591
I dunno if it's the blood loss or
what, but this whole thing feels...
229
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:54,846
Pretty stupid, Archer.
230
00:08:54,966 --> 00:08:56,594
Getting a hooker pregnant?
231
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:57,261
Yikes.
232
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,263
Cyril...
Oh, sorry, Ms. Archer.
233
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:01,799
I'm sure the board at the
met will frown on this.
234
00:09:01,866 --> 00:09:04,001
I'm sure I don't
care for your tone.
235
00:09:04,069 --> 00:09:09,599
Well, I don't care to be judged by a couple of...
Lousy hooker-baby havers!
236
00:09:10,642 --> 00:09:11,175
You were saying?
237
00:09:11,243 --> 00:09:14,245
You get him drunk, I'll go to the
drugstore and get some supplies.
238
00:09:14,312 --> 00:09:17,982
But you said I could hold him you've
been holding him and you've been drinking
239
00:09:18,049 --> 00:09:20,551
and yer hands are so damn big!
240
00:09:20,619 --> 00:09:22,286
Don't wantcha to, um, crush him.
241
00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:25,456
No, but I'm gentle, I'm soft,
give her the rabbit, Lenny.
242
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:26,290
Okay.
243
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:30,227
Thank... Wow, somebody's
got a full diaper, huh?
244
00:09:30,295 --> 00:09:31,128
Ugh.
245
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:35,132
And after that falafel, I am right behind him...
Did you see me?
246
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,034
Holding the baby?
247
00:09:37,102 --> 00:09:38,936
Looked like Tyson
holding that dove.
248
00:09:39,004 --> 00:09:40,019
Listen, bitch... Ah!
249
00:09:40,139 --> 00:09:42,706
Careful, 'cause, in about three
drinks, you're gonna get all
250
00:09:42,774 --> 00:09:45,342
boohooey, ask me to
pump a baby into you.
251
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:45,776
Wh-?!
252
00:09:45,844 --> 00:09:48,312
No, you guys should
totally do that!
253
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:50,714
The mochachino ones
are the cutest!
254
00:09:50,782 --> 00:09:56,353
Guess he'd be half-gay too, though...
So can you say best dancer ever?!
255
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:56,820
No!
256
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,323
Thank you, but I
don't care for any!
257
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,125
Cyril, it's a toast.
258
00:10:01,192 --> 00:10:02,359
Don't be rude.
No!
259
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:06,597
Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying...
Personality disorder!
260
00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:09,366
Sexual addiction's not
a real thing, asshole!
261
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:12,303
Well, just wait'll the
new DSM comes out!
262
00:10:12,370 --> 00:10:13,124
Then we'll see!
263
00:10:13,244 --> 00:10:15,339
We'll see you still
being an asshole!
264
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,309
So, uh... have you ever
thought about having a baby?
265
00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:18,709
I dunno.
266
00:10:18,777 --> 00:10:22,046
Sometimes I think, ya know, I'd
like to adopt a little baby...
267
00:10:22,113 --> 00:10:23,920
So I could abandon
it at the mall.
268
00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,524
That answers my
follow-up question.
269
00:10:28,644 --> 00:10:30,462
Cyril, you're insulting me.
270
00:10:30,582 --> 00:10:33,123
A toast!
And what is it to toast about about, anyway?!
271
00:10:33,191 --> 00:10:34,358
How bout that "upper decker"
272
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:37,115
I just left in the master bath?
273
00:10:38,229 --> 00:10:41,565
C'mon, Ray.
Sploosh, called it, three drinks ago.
274
00:10:41,633 --> 00:10:48,038
C'mon, we both have amazing genes...
Nobody's arguing we're both hot, but...
275
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,406
Ray, you can do it!
276
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:51,909
And I can watch!
277
00:10:51,976 --> 00:10:52,676
The door.
278
00:10:52,744 --> 00:10:57,247
Like a lookout, so nobody
sees ya doin' the dirt.
279
00:10:57,315 --> 00:11:00,417
Oh, and also here's
to child support!
280
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:01,452
See ya around, Cyril.
281
00:11:01,519 --> 00:11:06,190
And I'll see you at the
lawyer's office, granny.
282
00:11:06,257 --> 00:11:07,224
Toast, damn you!
283
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,058
No!
284
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:08,592
Toast!
285
00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:09,693
Jeezy petes, with you people!
286
00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:11,395
Well, at least I'm
not a sex addict!
287
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:13,464
And cue the collective
sigh of relief.
288
00:11:13,531 --> 00:11:14,398
Oh, shut up.
289
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:17,401
Hey, I just ran all the way
to the drugstore a liter low
290
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:19,737
on blood, so I am in no mood.
291
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,405
Oh, and I am?
292
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:26,443
Cyril won't drink, so we'll have to
find another way to... Woodhouse, dear?
293
00:11:26,511 --> 00:11:27,177
Yes, mum?
294
00:11:27,245 --> 00:11:28,445
I assume you're holding?
295
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:29,413
Holding?
296
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:33,250
Er, why, just this tray of...
Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend!
297
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:36,086
After that scrape I
got you out of?!
298
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:40,424
Let's liven things up, Burroughs...
Five grams of junk says I can
299
00:11:40,492 --> 00:11:43,794
shoot a piņa colada
off your wife's head!
300
00:11:43,862 --> 00:11:48,132
100,000 thousand pesos in bribes, and
my stomach's never been the same!
301
00:11:48,199 --> 00:11:51,235
I shall fetch my gear...
What the hell was that?!
302
00:11:51,302 --> 00:11:51,802
Who knows?
303
00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:55,105
I didn't have a sip of water the
entire time I was down there.
304
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:55,639
No!
305
00:11:55,707 --> 00:11:57,708
Maybe it was an ice cube...
Woodhouse!
306
00:11:57,776 --> 00:11:58,642
He's a heroin addict?!
307
00:11:58,710 --> 00:12:01,245
Oh, listen to you, mister judgy!
308
00:12:01,312 --> 00:12:05,449
Now, go lure Cyril into the bathroom
so we can drain his stupid blood.
309
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,451
Cyril, you are not to blame.
310
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:10,254
You are merely a victim
of sexual addiction.
311
00:12:10,321 --> 00:12:11,321
Cyril, you are not to blame.
312
00:12:11,389 --> 00:12:13,242
Preaching to the choir, buddy.
313
00:12:13,362 --> 00:12:14,402
And what's that supposed to mean?!
314
00:12:14,522 --> 00:12:18,676
It means, I understand, because I,
too, suffer from sexual addiction.
315
00:12:18,796 --> 00:12:20,931
Oh, you're just a,
dirty stomp-around.
316
00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:22,602
That's what society calls it!
317
00:12:22,722 --> 00:12:26,136
But you know how it is to
be surrounded... by women!
318
00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:26,804
Yes!
319
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,907
Prancing around in their... stirrup pants.
320
00:12:29,974 --> 00:12:31,298
Crotchless panties.
321
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:32,810
I didn't know they had those.
322
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,478
Pretty sexy.
323
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,013
I have to take care of something!
324
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:37,848
Medicine cabinet, Cyril, top left!
325
00:12:37,916 --> 00:12:40,150
Big bottle of coconut suntan oil!
326
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:44,121
Man, I probably shouldn't be
drinking this low on blood.
327
00:12:44,189 --> 00:12:48,992
Whur you doona me...?
328
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:51,067
I brained him with
the absinthe bottle.
329
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:51,966
Why?
330
00:12:52,086 --> 00:12:55,332
What was I to do, say "take a load off
while we pump you full of heroin"?
331
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,301
But if he was already knocked out...?!
332
00:12:57,368 --> 00:13:01,271
Dear God, that was
my entire stash!
333
00:13:01,339 --> 00:13:05,142
Going to be an itchy weekend...
Serves you right, smacky brown.
334
00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:07,244
God, how are you even still alive?
335
00:13:07,312 --> 00:13:09,413
Holy shit, how am I still alive?!
336
00:13:09,481 --> 00:13:11,482
Eight gills is way
more than I thought.
337
00:13:11,549 --> 00:13:13,042
That's why you're so woozy.
338
00:13:13,162 --> 00:13:14,785
Yeah, that, plus all
those melon balls.
339
00:13:14,853 --> 00:13:15,919
Had about nine of them.
340
00:13:15,987 --> 00:13:17,688
Why the hell were you drinking?!
341
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:18,489
Uh, hello?!
342
00:13:18,556 --> 00:13:19,490
It's a party?!
343
00:13:19,557 --> 00:13:20,858
It's a baby shower!
344
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:24,828
For the bastard child you
humped into a filthy whore!
345
00:13:24,896 --> 00:13:27,764
So... I'm obviously not
saying now, but one of these
346
00:13:27,832 --> 00:13:31,692
days, you are gonna make
just the best grandma ever.
347
00:13:36,222 --> 00:13:40,385
Oh my God... These ODIN dicks...
Hey, where'd ya get your turtleneck?
348
00:13:40,505 --> 00:13:42,480
The turtleneck store?
349
00:13:44,376 --> 00:13:46,315
Wow, definitely
missing that blood.
350
00:13:46,445 --> 00:13:49,748
But maybe if I drank some of Cyril's
blood, I'd... Wait, what am I saying?
351
00:13:49,815 --> 00:13:51,361
I don't even know his blood type.
352
00:13:53,853 --> 00:13:57,922
But I do know a liter of melon balls
can't replace a liter of blood.
353
00:13:57,990 --> 00:14:00,896
Because I'm... kinda
drunk for this oh nuts.
354
00:14:12,668 --> 00:14:14,005
Fantastic.
What.
355
00:14:14,073 --> 00:14:14,773
What're ya doin?
356
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:17,742
Oh, ya know, just...
Livin the dream Lana.
357
00:14:17,810 --> 00:14:18,743
Yeah?
358
00:14:18,811 --> 00:14:20,578
Well, I'm goin through yer stuff.
359
00:14:20,646 --> 00:14:21,784
Why are you still in my house?!
360
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:25,144
Eh, there's still a few stragglers here,
tryna keep the party goin...
361
00:14:26,269 --> 00:14:28,749
Cyril. Hey, you awake?
362
00:14:29,365 --> 00:14:32,539
Cause this is about to get weird.
363
00:14:32,858 --> 00:14:33,858
Ants!
364
00:14:33,926 --> 00:14:35,260
Oh! Oh!
365
00:14:35,327 --> 00:14:40,231
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg,
and I'll make you some Malcolm x tea!
366
00:14:40,299 --> 00:14:42,934
And ya know what's frickin lame?
367
00:14:43,002 --> 00:14:45,036
Phased-plasma laser
countermeasures?
368
00:14:45,104 --> 00:14:48,139
No, what's lame is you told
me a jillion times
369
00:14:48,207 --> 00:14:51,709
ya never wanted kids, so I move on with
my life, and then bam...
370
00:14:51,777 --> 00:14:53,641
you drill one into a hooker.
371
00:14:53,761 --> 00:14:55,513
Uh, it wasn't exactly
planned, Lana.
372
00:14:55,581 --> 00:14:56,214
Shut up.
373
00:14:56,282 --> 00:14:59,553
But didja ever think about you
and me, ya know, having a baby?
374
00:14:59,673 --> 00:15:03,788
No, not... I mean, maybe that one time,
when we had that little scare... Wh-?!
375
00:15:03,856 --> 00:15:05,757
Is that a frickin candy bar?!
376
00:15:05,825 --> 00:15:08,593
Yeah, but think you
need the calories?
377
00:15:08,661 --> 00:15:09,794
You are such a prick.
378
00:15:09,862 --> 00:15:12,564
Who dragged out all
this old crap?!
379
00:15:12,631 --> 00:15:16,334
Why are you and mother in my
room, going through my things?!
380
00:15:16,402 --> 00:15:19,137
Because I'll save you some time...
My diary's
381
00:15:19,205 --> 00:15:23,808
by the Barbie playhouse, and the key's
in a locket on Mr. Teddy!
382
00:15:23,876 --> 00:15:29,714
My God, I haven't seen this junk in...
Look at that, his little baby shoes.
383
00:15:29,782 --> 00:15:31,983
Can not picture him as a baby.
Ya know?
384
00:15:32,051 --> 00:15:34,085
I just see an adult him, but tiny.
385
00:15:34,153 --> 00:15:37,006
Like a little Archer G.I. Joe.
386
00:15:38,257 --> 00:15:39,824
You... want me to freshen that up?
387
00:15:39,892 --> 00:15:40,851
Mm... Try not to drown it.
388
00:15:42,728 --> 00:15:46,601
Aww, his little christening gown...
Pam!
389
00:15:46,721 --> 00:15:47,775
You... Get off Cyril!
390
00:15:47,895 --> 00:15:49,785
I was tryin to get him off!
391
00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:51,030
***
392
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:52,791
Out!
Out, just get straight on out!
393
00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:53,909
Aw, c'mon!
394
00:15:54,029 --> 00:15:55,306
Cyril came on to me!
395
00:15:55,374 --> 00:15:56,040
Oh shut up!
396
00:15:56,108 --> 00:15:57,842
He's totally passed out!
397
00:15:57,910 --> 00:16:03,381
Really... Hey, Cyril.
How's it hanging, buddy?
398
00:16:03,449 --> 00:16:07,318
His first pair of lacrosse cleats...
His first
399
00:16:07,386 --> 00:16:12,156
smoking jacket... and, oh my...
His first black turtleneck!
400
00:16:12,224 --> 00:16:14,125
I can't believe Lana and mother.
401
00:16:14,193 --> 00:16:17,376
No respect for people's privacy.
402
00:16:19,298 --> 00:16:20,798
White ass daddy!
403
00:16:20,866 --> 00:16:21,833
Shit's tight, huh?
404
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:22,901
Yo... Where you at, mama?
405
00:16:22,968 --> 00:16:25,003
And why're you calling
me right now?!
406
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:27,805
I had to, before it's too late!
I... What?!
407
00:16:27,873 --> 00:16:29,748
I don't want you to do it, Sterling!
What?
408
00:16:29,868 --> 00:16:32,239
I know you didn't plan on
this baby, but Sterling,
409
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:35,680
sometimes the unexpected things
can turn out to be the most
410
00:16:35,748 --> 00:16:38,707
important things in
the whole world!
411
00:16:39,385 --> 00:16:41,252
Wow, you sound shitfaced.
412
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:41,986
Oh, listen to you!
413
00:16:42,054 --> 00:16:43,388
Mr. melon balls!
414
00:16:43,455 --> 00:16:46,013
And the yes, maybe I've had a few.
415
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:49,635
And even though I was
not always mother of the year,
416
00:16:49,755 --> 00:16:51,121
I can change!
417
00:16:51,241 --> 00:16:53,798
And you can change, and maybe
together we could
418
00:16:53,866 --> 00:16:56,601
add up to one good parent
for this baby..
419
00:16:56,669 --> 00:17:00,538
But I'm, like, right here...
And I'm right here... for both of you.
420
00:17:00,606 --> 00:17:02,700
Mother, I'm not sure I'm ready.
421
00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:05,523
Sterling, no one's ever sure
they're ready for a child.
422
00:17:05,643 --> 00:17:09,449
That's why it's scary, and
that's why it's so special.
423
00:17:10,182 --> 00:17:13,918
So, please, dear,
do the right thing.
424
00:17:13,986 --> 00:17:17,751
God, the one time in my life she acts
like a human being, and it's now?
425
00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,812
Was it when I wanted a puppy?
No!
426
00:17:19,932 --> 00:17:22,126
Was it when I wanted cornrows?
No!
427
00:17:22,194 --> 00:17:25,263
But maybe she's right...
I mean, the kid's cool, and I'm
428
00:17:25,331 --> 00:17:28,575
obviously awesome, so...
Maybe I would be a good father.
429
00:17:30,869 --> 00:17:33,373
Ya know, at some
point in the future.
430
00:17:35,407 --> 00:17:36,808
Waaaagh!
431
00:17:36,875 --> 00:17:37,642
Waaaagh!
432
00:17:37,710 --> 00:17:38,810
Aww, you're okay, taterhead.
433
00:17:38,877 --> 00:17:40,378
They only took a
little bit of blood.
434
00:17:40,446 --> 00:17:41,813
Yeah, quit being such a baby.
435
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,015
You quit bein such a baby!
436
00:17:44,083 --> 00:17:44,749
You prick!
437
00:17:44,817 --> 00:17:45,483
Shut up!
438
00:17:45,551 --> 00:17:46,818
They took a liter from me!
439
00:17:46,885 --> 00:17:49,654
And as the 24 hours of
uninterrupted vault footage
440
00:17:49,722 --> 00:17:53,791
shows, said liter was never...
except for those nine frames of
441
00:17:53,859 --> 00:17:56,828
static there... out of
sight of ODIN personnel.
442
00:17:56,895 --> 00:17:58,705
We get it.
Let's move on, Barry.
443
00:17:58,825 --> 00:18:01,332
And since you all witnessed
the blood sample being taken
444
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,102
from the wee baby Seamus...
I hereby cede
445
00:18:04,169 --> 00:18:07,672
any and all rights to ever contest the
results of this paternity test.
446
00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:09,062
Move on, Barry!
447
00:18:09,182 --> 00:18:13,810
And, so, said test results conclude...
Exciting, isn't it?
448
00:18:13,930 --> 00:18:17,897
Not really, because it's gonna say...
that Archer is, in fact, the father!
449
00:18:18,017 --> 00:18:18,549
What?!
450
00:18:18,617 --> 00:18:19,384
Wait a minute!
451
00:18:19,451 --> 00:18:24,380
No, that's... Probably the most expensive
candy bar you ever ate, ya dunce!
452
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:26,406
Really super expensive.
453
00:18:26,526 --> 00:18:28,914
That's a schedule for
child support payments?
454
00:18:28,949 --> 00:18:30,883
First of the month
works best for us.
455
00:18:30,951 --> 00:18:31,517
No, wait!
456
00:18:31,585 --> 00:18:32,431
Somebody coulda
broken in the vault!
457
00:18:32,551 --> 00:18:35,455
C'mon, nine frames is... a glitch!
458
00:18:35,522 --> 00:18:38,285
Because even if somebody did
break into that vault, no one...
459
00:18:38,405 --> 00:18:40,328
No one, Archer...
could ever prove it.
460
00:18:40,448 --> 00:18:42,012
But...
And who'd even want to?
461
00:18:42,132 --> 00:18:44,123
Not a handsome, blond,
cripple like me.
462
00:18:44,243 --> 00:18:45,832
So, kudos, buddy!
463
00:18:45,899 --> 00:18:48,678
Let's go drink some kudos!
Yeah, let's do that!
464
00:18:48,679 --> 00:18:49,882
Clink, clink!
465
00:18:51,241 --> 00:18:52,659
I don't understand
how this happened.
466
00:18:52,779 --> 00:18:56,055
Well, from what I can tell,
it had something to do with
467
00:18:56,175 --> 00:18:59,387
disgustingly kinky sex and a
candy bar, but...
468
00:18:59,507 --> 00:19:01,099
A candy bar?
Mother!
469
00:19:01,219 --> 00:19:03,703
I am not the father. It was...
Cyril?
470
00:19:03,823 --> 00:19:05,627
That thing is huge.
471
00:19:05,747 --> 00:19:11,270
I mean how did you even get... you
sonuva snack-eatin-ass bitch!
472
00:19:11,390 --> 00:19:12,558
I'm sorry!
473
00:19:12,626 --> 00:19:14,956
How can you cheat
on Lana bareback?!
474
00:19:15,076 --> 00:19:16,562
I'm a sex addict!
475
00:19:16,630 --> 00:19:18,564
That's not even a real thing!
476
00:19:18,632 --> 00:19:21,934
And the guilt from sex makes me
binge, then I feel fat,
477
00:19:22,002 --> 00:19:26,516
then I turn to sex to feel attractive again,
then it's just this vicious cycle!
478
00:19:27,096 --> 00:19:28,214
Shitass.
479
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:29,205
Don't you see?!
480
00:19:29,325 --> 00:19:30,890
The wee baby Seamus is Cyril's!
481
00:19:31,010 --> 00:19:32,715
And Barry just wanted to frame me!
482
00:19:32,835 --> 00:19:34,003
You don't fool me.
483
00:19:34,123 --> 00:19:36,645
You had the chance to make the
switch, but you couldn't.
484
00:19:36,765 --> 00:19:38,451
No, yes I could!
485
00:19:38,519 --> 00:19:41,474
And I never thought I'd say this, but Sterling...
You did the right thing.
486
00:19:41,594 --> 00:19:43,322
No! I didn't!
487
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,725
Well, the thing I thought was
right, but not, ya know,
488
00:19:45,793 --> 00:19:47,326
what people think is right!
489
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:48,728
Well, maybe you're
turning into people.
490
00:19:48,796 --> 00:19:50,563
But I don't wanna be people!
491
00:19:50,631 --> 00:19:52,072
And I didn't want to
be a grandmother.
492
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,432
But c'est la vie, dear.
493
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:54,909
Yeah, and c'est la child support!
494
00:19:55,029 --> 00:19:57,230
Well, just tighten your belt.
My belt?!
495
00:19:57,350 --> 00:19:58,577
You said you were here for us!
496
00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:01,718
I am dear, but with the
economy how it is... What?
497
00:20:01,838 --> 00:20:02,794
My money isn't.
498
00:20:02,914 --> 00:20:04,226
You're in a limousine!
499
00:20:04,346 --> 00:20:08,581
And if I wanted to sit around all day
going nowhere, I'd be a teacher!
500
00:20:08,649 --> 00:20:10,556
Sorry dear, I have a fitting.
501
00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:11,815
Ciao!
502
00:20:11,935 --> 00:20:12,749
Fitting.
503
00:20:12,869 --> 00:20:15,403
And that's why people in this
family shouldn't have children.
504
00:20:15,523 --> 00:20:19,167
That, and a genetic
predisposition toward... Ants!
505
00:20:19,287 --> 00:20:22,595
Wh-?!
Wretched horrible ants!
506
00:20:22,663 --> 00:20:25,388
Ants are gonna be the least of
your worries, smackhound...
507
00:20:25,508 --> 00:20:27,128
Running around barefoot like that?
508
00:20:27,248 --> 00:20:28,423
Hello, hookworms!
509
00:20:28,543 --> 00:20:29,817
Get in my feet!
510
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,176
Or... whatever.
511
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:32,860
Some kinda worms.
512
00:20:33,652 --> 00:20:35,332
Will go in your feet.
513
00:20:36,176 --> 00:20:41,001
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com