[jazzy music]
[elevator bell dings]
[phones ringing]
- Forward to HR.
Hmm, not quite.
Fix section two and bring it to my office.
Open door policy.
Tell them no, and swear a lot.
I expect foulness and creativity.
♪ ♪
- Hey, how was your weekend? Do not care.
-Where's the booze? - [sighs]
I'm sure you're capable
of finding a drink on your own.
- Come on. Where would I find--
I'll consider this an apology.
- Wow, you guys actually look pretty good.
- Thank you for noticing.
I am on a new fitness regimen.
- I've been practicing on the range.
[gunshot]
Didn't practice the spinning, though,
which I thought would be easier.
- And I feel like there's only a 10% chance
I'll attack my coworkers' eyes
with stainless steel kebab skewers.
- I mean, you should really be at zero.
- [inhaling deeply]
-Now it's up to 20. - Ah!
Lana: Eh, still pretty good.
All right, back to basics here.
Missions that make us money
and make the world a better place.
No muss, no waste.
- That certainly explains these guys.
- You, uh, ready for us to start?
- Yep, we're all about efficiency,
so you can start now.
[worker grunting] [loud banging]
- So this "no waste" thing, Lana.
How does that jive with your office remodel?
- It's part of my new philosophy, true transparency.
The walls of my office will be glass.
- Isn't it a contradiction for a spy agency
to be so transparent?
- No! - Why not?
- Because shut up! [clears throat]
I mean, that's not really constructive right now, Cyril.
- Nice save.
I don't think anyone noticed.
- Could you keep it...
[breathes deeply]
Down for just a minute
until the briefing is over?
[debris clattering]
Mission one of our new era.
The Vanguard is a crew of international jewel thieves.
Ex-Special Forces.
Highly organized.
They have stolen billions.
- Who cares about shiny rocks?
Unless...[gasps]
Are we working for magpies? - Ray?
- Y'all, this is our trial to work with Interpol.
One of their agents is asking us for the assist.
both: Wow. Cheryl: Interpol!
- This could really put us on the map,
and that map is of Paris, France, Europe.
- Nice! Who thinks I can eat
a whole baguette without chewing?
Bets on the table. Odds are two to one.
- Nah. - Pass.
- No. - Obviously you can.
- Oh, right, you guys saw that one.
- Pretty impressive, and it did make
for an entertaining funeral brunch.
- Pam, with all the new hires,
I need you here to keep an eye on HR.
- But Paris! And--
-[gunshot] -[glass shattering]
Sorry, thought I had it. Didn't have it.
But come on!
I can do both at the same time.
- Just like solemnly paying your last respects
and inhaling carbs.
- Exactly. Thank you.
I'll do HR stuff from the phone over there.
- Ugh, all right.
Pam, you'll go with Archer and Ray.
- Uh, I like Paris.
- Yeah, I need you here to get Accounting up to speed.
- Pam gets to go.
- Yeah, but we like her.
- Okay. We get this right,
and we'll have all the Interpol work we can eat.
It's all a part of our new beginning.
And with that, continue.
- [grunts]
[dramatic music]
And in the interest of new beginnings,
maybe we keep this to ourselves.
- [gasps]
- [whispering] Don't worry, Lana.
He was probably just gasping at your progressive leadership.
- B-b-b-body!
- No, it was the body.
[main title theme]
♪ ♪
- Why does everyone stand up?
It's not like we're going anywhere.
- You're standing up.
- Otherwise, I'll lose my spot.
[thud] - [grunts]
- Look at me like that again,
and I'll slap you like a Huguenot.
- Dude, you need to chill.
The wine they have in France is l'amazing.
- Uh, yeah, this stuff's from Quebec,
and I think it's made from beaver squeezins.
- Ah, the French.
- Where's the romance, the intrigue?
Spies do not fly coach!
- But they do apparently yell about how they're spies.
- Misdirection, everyone!
- Who's this Interpol douche anyway?
- All it said was "Agent Z."
- Probably some washed-up hack,
a bureaucratic mushroom feeding
on the decaying corpse of Europe,
giving come-hither looks to his--
[smooth music]
♪ ♪
-Shotgun! - Shotgun!
Ah, damn it!
[engine revving]
[tires squealing]
- Zara Khan, Interpol.
- We weren't expecting someone with your profile
or bone structure.
- Well, it's a blessing and a curse.
- Uh, what's the curse?
- Pretending there's a curse part.
- L'zing.
- So you are officially independent consultants
joining me on a fact-finding mission.
- And unofficially?
- Unofficially, I'd recommend a more modern hairstyle.
- Double zing!
- I would, but I'd be arrested
by the U.S. Park Service
for desecrating a national treasure.
[engine revving]
[tires screeching]
Uh, you in a hurry here?
[brakes screeching]
- Always.
[mysterious music]
[doorbell rings] - Wait, what are we doing?
- Like I said, fact-finding.
We're just chasing down a lead.
-[grunts] - Ah!
- Jesus. Um, was it in that guy's skull?
- Doesn't look like it,
but I bet there are more skulls in here.
Krieger: Well, it's not one of mine.
- Wait, what do you mean, "one of yours"?
- Well, this one has the "right" number of heads,
and look at those hands.
Oh!
Zero embedded poison sacs.
Cheryl: Well, we're in luck.
The teeth are well-preserved.
- Okay, cross-reference those with our dental records.
- I don't know what that means.
I just think teeth are neat.
"Hey, bones, get back inside!"
[laughing] "No!"
- So we're calling the police, right,
since we're so above board now?
- Yeah, this is an internal matter.
- Internal, like my fingers in this dead guy's mouth.
- Internal like I'm going to gently convince
and/or threaten the guy that saw this
so he forgets all about it.
Go get him.
- [clears throat] I think he just walked in.
- Well, that saves time.
- Tell me where the Eye of the Serpent is!
- Are we straight up robbing this guy?
- He doesn't look like a cat burglar.
- Because he's clearly a dog person.
- Don't say dog person! - Boom, got it in.
- No, you did not.
- Whoa, uh, guys.
- If you don't tell me, it's your pinky or your pug.
owner: Oh, Muffin!
Zara: Your choice.
- I--I--I can't choose.
- Guess it's both.
-3, 2... - Oh, no! Oh, no! No!
- I'll tell. I'll tell!
[whimpering]
- I wouldn't have shot the dog.
- And the finger?
- I've always thought ten is a lot.
Oh, mints.
[dog barks]
[owner whimpering]
- This is a real roller coaster.
- She knows how to handle herself, though.
- I don't trust her. This whole thing is designed
to bond us to her through intense emotion.
You gotta fight it.
- Jesus Christ, you worry too much.
- That is famously not my problem.
Tell her!
- He gets shot, like, all the time.
- And safe sex? Forget it.
He is absolutely riddled with God knows what.
The doctors sure don't.
- Good to know.
- Do you think she likes me?
- You're pathetic.
[safe beeps, clicks]
owner: I've done all I can.
That's 3-inch glass that can only be opened
by the insurance company.
- Bollocks.
Guess we should probably just give up.
Unless...did anyone bring a hypersonic punch?
Huh? What? Huh?
[gasps] I guess I did!
[whirring]
You'll want to get behind something.
[beeping]
[explosion]
- Is there any practical difference between
what we just did and blatant crime?
- Mm, it's more the attitude.
- Uh, spl--
- Do not say it. I forbid it.
- [whispering] Sploosh.
Archer: I heard that!
- And I am sorry you were privy to that internal discussion.
We try to keep things lighthearted.
- Not a problem, though I have already informed everyone
about the body because of our stated values
of openness and transparency.
- Cheryl!
Go get me some staples, please.
- Oh! Wait, you're right.
Those will totally hurt more.
- Thank you, Kurt.
I'm glad to hear you did that.
- You are?
- Obviously, because I'd already scheduled
a town hall where I'll be very happy
to hear everyone's concerns.
- Uh-huh.
- Does it bother you that Cheryl has
a kebab skewer holster?
- Mm, not as much as it should.
[soft accordion music]
- All right, you need to tell us what's going on,
like, now, because--
- Oh, she's got a little slide show.
- Last week, the Vanguard stole a sculpture
called the Golden Dragon from a private collector.
This, the emerald we stole today,
was originally one of its eyes.
We steal the second tomorrow from the National Gallery.
Questions?
- Um, feels more like a crime spree.
How does this get us to the Vanguard?
- I've chased these guys for years.
They're impenetrable.
The only time they interact with outsiders
is when they recruit new members.
- So we're basically rushing the Vanguard's fraternity?
- No, thanks.
My doctor says I have to cut down on getting paddled,
or I'll develop something called "dead ass."
What?
Sorry my life's cooler than yours.
- And Interpol is fine with this?
- In theory. - That means no.
- Every time I've gotten close to these guys, they bolt.
We're pretty sure we have a mole,
which is why we hired you guys.
[yawns]
Let's all get some rest.
Today you were just back-up, but tomorrow is the real deal.
[tense music]
- So we're turning her in to the cops, right?
If the French have cops
and not mimes with invisible guns.
- What are you talking about?
- Stealing jewels,
pretending there's a mole in Interpol
so we don't contact them.
She's obviously part of Vanguard
and even more obviously gonna double-cross us.
- Okay, and you're sure you're not just saying that
because you're intimidated by her?
- And she is not at all into you?
- One, she's obviously into me,
because I can read the subtle art of reverse body language.
And two, I'm not into her.
- You seem pretty worked up, bud.
Things will look better if you go have a glass of wine,
meditate, then gaze down at the Paris streets
while you rub one out.
That's what this gal is gonna do.
- I mean, I wasn't gonna do that,
but I think I have new plans.
- Yeah, you guys are probably right.
Maybe I am overreacting.
I'll just call it a night.
♪ ♪
Misdirection.
♪ ♪
God, I hate being right all the time.
Wait, no, I don't.
[laughs] It's the best.
[mysterious music]
♪ ♪
- Ah, the perfect place to meet up
with your Vanguard buddies.
Mmm, mmm, wow.
Mmm, that's pretty good.
You should order that again.
[elevator dings]
Ah, the perfect place to...
[glasses clink]
Be backstabbed by your friends!
- You what?
- I said the first part over there.
- Come on.
We're just hanging out.
- Monsieur, une chaise?
- Make it two, pal.
- Wow, going pretty hard, huh?
- Oh, you haven't seen me go hard.
- I think a lot of ladies haven't seen you go hard.
[laughs]
Also, you just ordered two chairs.
- Can you please keep it down?
Everybody's looking at us.
- Look, Archer, you seemed pretty steamed,
so I figured I'd let you cool off.
But I just want to get to know you guys better.
- Yeah, probably to probe for weaknesses.
- Sure it's not about something else?
- Yeah, they told me how someone
posing as an Interpol liaison kidnapped your child.
That must have been really hard.
- Well, I guess it was diff-- wait a second!
Why are you giving her information about my family?
And don't try to plumb my psychological depths,
because I assure you, I don't have any.
Pam, you're in contact with Lana.
What does she think of all this?
- Um, I actually turned my phone off
to concentrate on the mission,
because I'm a professional.
[phone buzzing]
Oh, boy.
- HR won't respond to our complaints.
- All we're asking is a simple workplace safety question.
How did the body get in the wall?
- And how long has it been there?
- Glad you asked.
Well, our working theory is
that the person in question was rehearsing
a one-man show of "The Cask of Amontillado"
that, hmm, got a little out of hand.
- What? No, that is not what--
- Or it was someone annoying we needed to get rid of.
[people groaning] - Seriously?
- For the love of God, Cheryl.
- Yes, right, for the love of God.
- Look, in the spirit of openness,
we don't know how the body got in the wall.
But you all signed a non-disclosure agreement
and a declaration that you might see
disturbing things at this job.
So let's all get back to work, okay?
- ♪ Who wants vegan protein mini muffins ♪
- Screw you. - Ugh.
- Come on.
[phone ringing]
Archer: Cyril, I need you to do
a thorough background check
on Interpol agent Zara Khan.
I think she's a mole.
Cyril: I'm kind of busy, Archer.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, in that case, do it anyway!
[phone beeps]
[gulps]
[spits]
Damn it, I said get the same one!
Now no one gets it.
So we're really following this obvious turncoat
into a situation that will probably get us killed?
- And we're really gonna sit here and listen
to rhetorical questions?
- It wasn't rhetorical.
- Or was it?
- Yeah, who's to say?
- Look, if you're so worked up about it,
just run a background check on her.
- Well, in fact, I did,
and she has a perfect record of arrests
on every case she's done, which is the perfect cover.
- I say we kill her. [laughs]
Come on. Let's go.
♪ ♪
- Sorry, hate to question you,
but should we maybe wait till it's closed?
- It is. Private event.
So more security.
Just means more chances for us to make them look silly.
- Gotta love that moxie. - I'm a little rusty.
Moxie is French for "terrible decision," right?
- Spoken like a man with moxie.
- It's not called moxie in men.
It's called just being a man.
- Oh, so it's called "double standard."
- Pff, no, you don't call it that.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
Man, what a shit show.
Who was this for, Gertrude Ederle?
Because I am swimming in this.
- I mean, mine fits great.
- Yours is okay. Mine is amazing.
- I'm sorry, Archer.
I was just going by memory, and I guess in my mind...
- Here it comes. - You have a gut.
- You call this a gut? - Quiet!
And no! Honestly,
it's really impressive for someone your age.
- [stammers] - Ray, Pam,
go to the rotunda and cause a diversion.
A big one.
- Uh, in front of everybody?
- Archer, come with me, and stay close
so I don't double-cross you.
- Oh, sure, joke about the thing
you're actually gonna do.
That's convincing everybody.
- Uh, looking a little green there, buddy.
- I kind of have a thing about looking silly
in front of fancy people.
In high school, I was a waiter
at the nicest restaurant in town,
and it wasn't great.
[country music playing]
[laughter]
- Boy, you're never gonna amount to nothing,
you stay a fool.
- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
- That was the nicest restaurant?
- Well, it was a small, very shitty town.
- Well, now you can purge yourself of your fear.
Embrace the chaos.
- Well, whatever this is, at least it won't be...
the wedding reception of an archduke and a movie star!
Pam, I can't do this.
- Come on. Nobody knows who you are.
- Excuse-moi, didn't you win
the bronze medal in the giant slalom?
Sorry, I'm just a giant skiing fan.
My whole table is.
Everyone, everyone, look who I just met.
- Nope, I'm leaving. Ow!
- How dare you speak to me that way!
[whispering] Come on, hit me.
- I'm not ruining this wedding.
- That's what you think.
You knave!
- They're rich, not medieval.
- [grunting]
[crashing]
person over PA: Attention! Attention!
All guards to the ballroom.
- Okay.
You can see both exits from here.
Stay and keep watch.
- Oh, so you can grab the jewel
and slip out like the snake you are?
- How would a snake grab a jewel?
- With its tongue, obviously.
They're prehensile.
- Okay, I still have questions about how it crawls,
but I'm gonna go grab this thing instead.
- You know nothing about nature,
and I'm coming with.
From here on out, I am attached to you.
- Oh, what, like a male anglerfish?
- Good reference, but I'm still mad.
- Hey, who are you guys?
- Oh, hey. I'm Officer Night.
You might be wondering my first name.
- Officer? We are not officers. [dart gun shot]
Ooh. [body thuds]
- First name, Good. "Good Night."
Oh, I don't think he gets it.
Well, smash and grab time.
[glass shattering]
That way! You lead!
- There is no way I'm turning my back on you.
[alarm blaring]
Archer: I would have gone left.
- Ugh! Stop backseat escaping!
- I don't care. Get it done!
- Yeah, I'm on it. Hold on a sec.
[grunting]
Usually HR complaints don't involve a dead body,
a town hall to discuss the dead body,
and then a blatant lie involving Edgar Allan Poe.
Cyril: Ouch!
- I'm on the goddamn phone!
Oh, sorry, your Archdukeness.
- I wouldn't worry about it.
It's not like violence against an archduke
ever led to something bad.
- I'll come up with something for you, Lana.
- If I wanted to be a career babysitter,
I would have majored in sociology
at a regional community college.
Fucking fix it!
- Here you are, Ms. Arch--
- Oh, my God, I'm Malory.
- Sorry.
Cyril: You know, systems of power--
[glass shattering] - Go print an invoice.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Huh?
Jeezy-petes!
[phone rings]
Cyril: Archer, we weren't hired by Interpol.
There's a zero instead of the "O."
-It's a fake! -[cocks gun]
♪ ♪
- Interpol didn't hire us.
You did. - It's not what you think.
- What I think is that you give me that emerald,
and I take you to the cops or mimes or whatever.
- I'm afraid I can't do that.
[tense music]
♪ ♪
- I am not cleaning that up.
- We're not so different, you and I.
Wait, I know how that sounds, but seriously.
- You're the mole at Interpol.
- [chuckles] "Intermole."
- Damn it, it was right there.
- You saw my record.
People at Interpol have been trying
to sabotage me because I make them look bad.
So I hired you personally to catch the Vanguard.
- Then why were you buying us all drinks
and trying to find out personal stuff about us?
- Because Interpol is Snore City,
and you guys are fun.
- We do kind of rule.
- But honestly, the real reason I hired you
is I just have to win.
And I knew you would come through.
[all grunting]
♪ ♪
I've got a motorcycle stashed on the stairwell.
- Can I drive down the stairs on the motorcycle?
- If you're okay with me sitting behind you.
- I accept.
[romantic music]
Oh, sorry. Uh, reflex.
- No, no, no, I get it.
I mean, look at me.
[engine revving]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo, motorcycle!
- Do you have to do that?
- Let me answer your question with a whoo!
You know, we make a great team.
- Hard to disagree.
[sirens wailing]
I think if we take some time building up our trust level--
- Then you're really gonna hate this.
Decoy! - Ah!
♪ ♪
[tires screeching]
[crashing]
- Okay, now I hate being right.
Lana: Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?
Well, first off,
I want to apologize for yesterday.
I really wish Cyril wouldn't have gone off script
and lied to you.
- God damn it.
- But you should all know
this is a spy organization.
We do dangerous work,
and that means you're gonna see some crazy-ass shit.
So while I will try to be as transparent as possible,
as transparent as possible
is not gonna be very transparent.
- Well, that is not acceptable.
- Hold up there, face-nuts.
The boss is talking.
- Is this part of your assistant duties?
- The only part of the job I like.
- [whimpers] - And let me tell you.
This will absolutely not be the most messed-up thing
you're gonna see here.
Want to leave? Go ahead.
Want to stay?
You just got a 5% raise.
- [grunting]
[elevator dings]
- Any questions?
Kurt: Hey, Jim, do you have those quarterly reports?
- Wow, Pam sure does know her shit.
Blame Cyril, tough love, raise.
- So you still gonna do the glass walls?
- Well, you know what they say.
People who live in glass houses are fucking morons.
- As soon as she pretended not to be into me, I knew.
Traitor, god damn it.
These apologies from Pam and Ray
better be absolutely abject 360-degree tongue baths.
[door slams]
- Hey, you made it.
I knew you would. - What--how--
what the-- - It was the only move.
No time to explain, but we do need
to introduce you to someone.
This is Pavle.
- Yeah, he's apparently with some sort of group
called, like, I want to say the Vanguard.
Did I get that right?
- And he wants to talk to us
about maybe joining up.
And I think we, us thieves, should hear him out.
- Oh, well, hello.
Whoa! [body thuds]
[dart gun shots] - Ah!
[bodies thudding]
- [laughing]
Hi.
♪ ♪
- Made in Georgia.
Captioned by 3Play Media Enhanced by illuminate Hollywood