1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:03,705
You... You're a thief!
2
00:00:05,740 --> 00:00:06,741
Those were gunshots!
3
00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:07,642
This is Peter Falk.
4
00:00:07,742 --> 00:00:10,144
Here are some scenes from
the next episode of Columbo.
5
00:00:10,245 --> 00:00:11,546
All the members are tested.
6
00:00:11,646 --> 00:00:13,848
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
7
00:00:13,948 --> 00:00:17,285
Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world...
8
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:18,586
and I never even noticed.
9
00:00:18,653 --> 00:00:19,954
It might have been a woman.
10
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:22,624
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
11
00:00:22,724 --> 00:00:24,759
The shots we heard
were on that record.
12
00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:26,628
It's a terrific puzzle.
13
00:00:54,289 --> 00:00:56,057
I wasn't that bright.
14
00:00:57,025 --> 00:01:01,229
So there I was, me, a welder,
in the Sigma Society,
15
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:04,432
with an IQ right at
the top of the scale.
16
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:08,136
And my first thought was,
17
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:12,040
"What a crummy world,
where somebody as smart as me...
18
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,075
is nothing but an ordinary welder."
19
00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:17,946
Then I... I got my head straight...
20
00:01:18,046 --> 00:01:21,316
and I figured it out that it
was a pretty sensational world...
21
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:25,486
where even welders got a high
enough IQ to be in a Sigma Society.
22
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:34,128
Not that there's anything wrong
with being a welder.
23
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,498
Because I'm gonna tell you
right now that there's nobody...
24
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:42,770
in this room can even begin
to do what I can do.
25
00:01:44,706 --> 00:01:47,475
You know what I heard
about the Sigma Society?
26
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:51,546
I heard that with all your brains,
the one thing you can't figure out,
27
00:01:51,646 --> 00:01:55,249
the one problem you can't solve
is what you're all doing here.
28
00:01:55,350 --> 00:01:57,619
I mean what we're all doing here.
29
00:02:05,827 --> 00:02:11,132
You've got me crying for you
30
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:15,770
And as I sit here and sigh
31
00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:20,074
Says I, "I can't believe it's true"
32
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:23,378
Boo-hoo
33
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:29,651
I tell my mama on you
34
00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:34,355
The little game that you played
35
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:38,559
Has made her baby oh so blue
36
00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:44,432
You left me in the lurch
37
00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:50,772
You left me waiting at the church
38
00:02:50,872 --> 00:02:54,075
Boo-hoo
39
00:02:55,309 --> 00:03:00,448
That's why I'm crying for you
40
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:05,186
Someday you'll feel like I do
41
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:09,424
And you'll be boo-hoo-hooin' too
42
00:03:09,524 --> 00:03:12,894
Boo-hoo
43
00:03:13,795 --> 00:03:18,833
You've got me crying for you
44
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:22,570
And as I sit here...
45
00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:27,568
Thank you, Mike, thank you.
46
00:04:28,970 --> 00:04:32,039
Jason, in all due respect to Mike's
lecture on feelings of inadequacy.
47
00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:36,077
I thought we were gonna hear from a
computer engineer on intelligent machines.
48
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:39,881
May I ask the program chairman if he
still intends to bring in outside guests?
49
00:04:39,981 --> 00:04:42,550
I'm afraid I was very busy
at the office today.
50
00:04:43,151 --> 00:04:45,753
Didn't have time. Try to do better.
51
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:46,654
Good.
52
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:49,924
Thank you, Mike, thank you, Mr. Wagner,
thank you, Bertie.
53
00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:51,993
For new business,
ladies and gentlemen,
54
00:04:52,093 --> 00:04:54,896
I have the committee report
on neighborhood crime.
55
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:58,266
They strongly recommend the
purchase of a burglar alarm.
56
00:04:58,366 --> 00:05:04,505
Miss Eisenback has prepared a study of the
various units available, the advantages...
57
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:05,973
Good evening, Mr. Brandt.
58
00:05:06,073 --> 00:05:08,075
Good heavens, I am late.
59
00:05:08,810 --> 00:05:10,778
Oliver, we were just
discussing a burglar alarm.
60
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:14,515
Dear me. I didn't know we had
anything worth stealing.
61
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,652
Unless, of course,
it's Bertie's incredible brain power.
62
00:05:18,286 --> 00:05:21,088
I understand the Russians
have been after him again.
63
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:28,062
Okay, gang. That's it.
Meeting's adjourned.
64
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:39,106
That, my dear, is the total
history of Bertie's life.
65
00:05:40,074 --> 00:05:42,777
Does the joke always
have to be at my expense?
66
00:05:42,877 --> 00:05:44,145
You two at it, again?
67
00:05:44,245 --> 00:05:45,646
Again and forever.
68
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:49,517
Friends forever.
Partners forever. Right, Bertie?
69
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:51,686
Bertie.
70
00:05:55,890 --> 00:05:57,258
Friends.
71
00:05:57,992 --> 00:06:00,027
There's a good little fellow.
72
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:03,931
Something wrong?
73
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,634
I think I just
drank my contact lens.
74
00:06:09,270 --> 00:06:12,673
It's there. I found it. I'm sorry.
75
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,509
Always sorry.
76
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,478
What are you up to, Caroline?
77
00:06:17,612 --> 00:06:21,716
Making an inventory of everything in
the house. For the insurance.
78
00:06:22,016 --> 00:06:23,818
Don't you have to go around
to look at things?
79
00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,387
Don't have to look. I remember.
80
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,521
Imagine.
81
00:06:27,889 --> 00:06:30,258
While this wine was still
in a French cellar,
82
00:06:30,358 --> 00:06:32,159
you, Caroline,
were being put together...
83
00:06:32,260 --> 00:06:35,630
by a confluence of data processors
and memory banks.
84
00:06:35,730 --> 00:06:38,332
Oliver, I have to talk to you.
85
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:42,069
I want to talk to you, too, Bertie.
Pick a page.
86
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,574
237. Pick a number.
87
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:47,742
12. Even.
88
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:48,809
Odd.
89
00:06:48,910 --> 00:06:51,379
Come along, Bertie.
To the library.
90
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:55,049
The drinks are on Bertie or on me.
91
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:58,185
A dollar says Brandt wins again.
92
00:06:58,386 --> 00:06:59,987
It's only luck, you know.
93
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,525
- Page 237, correct?
- Yes.
94
00:07:04,926 --> 00:07:07,194
- Word?
- 12.
95
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,196
All right.
96
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:15,169
Here we are. Carina or carina.
97
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,873
Six letters. Even.
Drinks are on you, Bertie.
98
00:07:18,973 --> 00:07:22,209
Interesting. Carina. We seem
to have forgotten our biology.
99
00:07:22,310 --> 00:07:25,346
Carina is a part resembling a ridge...
100
00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:28,649
as on the projection
on the breastbone of a bird.
101
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,885
And that is the word for today.
102
00:07:30,985 --> 00:07:33,154
I didn't come up here
to play games, Oliver!
103
00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:34,755
Nor did I, Bertie.
104
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,525
- You've always enjoyed tormenting me.
- Don't be a fool.
105
00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:39,660
School, college,
even our own firm.
106
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,896
I've always been
the butt of your jokes.
107
00:07:41,996 --> 00:07:45,232
I've always been your friend, Bertie.
Surely you know that.
108
00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:49,236
Come on, Bertie,
I never taunted you.
109
00:07:49,337 --> 00:07:50,705
I only tickled you.
110
00:07:51,372 --> 00:07:52,473
Stop that!
111
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,076
Stop! Will you? Stop it!
112
00:07:56,644 --> 00:07:57,445
Stop it!
113
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,681
No! I'm through running!
114
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:04,218
I know.
115
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:09,991
I know. I know what you've been doing
in the office, Oliver.
116
00:08:11,192 --> 00:08:14,662
I know how you've been
stealing from our clients.
117
00:08:14,996 --> 00:08:18,065
I took the trouble
to examine your accounts.
118
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,369
I know you have.
I'm well aware of it.
119
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,170
Oh?
120
00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:29,643
Are you aware that I intend
to expose you?
121
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,681
Well, in that case,
I intend to kill you.
122
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:42,223
We were friends.
123
00:08:43,324 --> 00:08:45,259
I could never hurt you.
124
00:08:47,261 --> 00:08:49,230
I couldn't hurt you either.
125
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:56,837
You... you... you're a thief!
126
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,673
- Bertie.
- You can't threaten me out of it!
127
00:08:59,774 --> 00:09:02,910
I'll tell the whole world
what you are!
128
00:09:05,513 --> 00:09:07,181
What a pity.
129
00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:08,582
Oliver.
130
00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,553
Oliver, I'm talking to you!
131
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:16,724
Yes, I hear you.
I hear you, old friend.
132
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,429
I really did love you, Bertie.
133
00:11:47,341 --> 00:11:49,677
Yeah? Who? Long distance?
134
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:52,913
Tonight, children,
the drinks are on Bertie.
135
00:11:54,448 --> 00:11:56,817
Congratulations again, Oliver.
136
00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,453
What was the word, Mr. Brandt?
137
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,188
Carina. C-A-R...
138
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:05,259
Well, with a capital 'C', Carina is a
constellation in the Southern Hemisphere.
139
00:12:05,359 --> 00:12:07,595
This was not capitalized.
140
00:12:07,695 --> 00:12:10,598
Well, then it's like
the breastbone on a bird.
141
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,935
Phone's for you,
Miss Eisenback. Memphis.
142
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:19,206
That's my daddy. I've been
trying to reach him. It's his birthday.
143
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,208
She's been waiting for his call.
144
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,577
Oliver got lucky again.
145
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,612
Daddy?
146
00:12:24,712 --> 00:12:27,114
Why don't we got out and
get the living room put back in order?
147
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:29,817
Why not indeed?
Come on, come on. Gentlemen.
148
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:32,186
- You watch that drink.
- I'll watch it.
149
00:12:32,286 --> 00:12:34,021
The club's insured
through you, isn't it?
150
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,289
Yes, and very well.
151
00:12:35,389 --> 00:12:36,624
Fire? Theft?
152
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:37,725
The works.
153
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,995
Okay. It's wonderful here.
The weather is so nice.
154
00:12:41,095 --> 00:12:42,696
Then if we are already covered,
155
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:45,866
why on earth bother spending
all this money on a burglar...
156
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:49,770
Those were gunshots!
157
00:12:58,379 --> 00:13:01,882
Bertie! Bertie! Bertie!
158
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:13,193
Oh, my God! Bertie. Bertie.
159
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:20,067
Unlock it.
160
00:13:22,136 --> 00:13:23,904
Take Caroline downstairs.
161
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:32,713
I think he's dead.
162
00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:40,254
You mustn't look.
163
00:13:40,354 --> 00:13:41,755
You better leave.
164
00:13:42,356 --> 00:13:43,624
Come on.
165
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,393
Oh, my.
166
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,746
Could you all go inside, please?
167
00:14:15,656 --> 00:14:18,092
Would you like a drink, Oliver?
168
00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:21,128
What? No, no.
169
00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:26,633
Well, it's clear enough some
neighborhood hoodlum finally broke in.
170
00:14:26,734 --> 00:14:28,435
What was Bertie trying to protect?
171
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,572
A few bucks in his wallet?
His manhood? I mean, what?
172
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:36,677
Excuse me. Mr. Brandt?
173
00:14:39,113 --> 00:14:40,013
Yes.
174
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,182
Would you come with me, please?
175
00:14:51,925 --> 00:14:53,227
Are you guys all done in there?
176
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,895
- Yeah. He's wrapping it up.
- Good.
177
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:57,264
- Good night, Sergeant.
- Good night, George, Harry.
178
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:10,878
Now, would you just wait here
please, Mr. Brandt?
179
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,946
May I ask why?
180
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:15,215
Sure. Somebody will be along.
181
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:00,621
They know who did it?
182
00:17:00,721 --> 00:17:01,922
No!
183
00:17:09,897 --> 00:17:11,365
Oliver Brandt, sir?
184
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:15,669
Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide.
185
00:17:17,004 --> 00:17:21,508
I thought maybe you'd like to be up here
away from all those people down there,
186
00:17:21,975 --> 00:17:24,278
being that the victim was
your friend and partner.
187
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:28,315
I'm really quite upset.
I do appreciate the courtesy.
188
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:31,218
This Sigma Society, sir,
189
00:17:31,652 --> 00:17:34,688
I understand it's some kind of a club.
But to tell you the truth,
190
00:17:34,788 --> 00:17:37,424
I don't understand
what kind of a club it is.
191
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:42,329
Why it's a private club. International.
We're just one chapter.
192
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,731
All the members are tested.
193
00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:48,335
And they have to rate
in the top two percent.
194
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:49,836
Two percent of what, sir?
195
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:52,172
Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.
196
00:17:52,806 --> 00:17:54,207
Top two percent in the world?
197
00:18:00,314 --> 00:18:02,382
Is that what the pin means, sir?
198
00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:06,420
Here I've been talking with the most
intelligent people in the world...
199
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,255
and I never even noticed.
200
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:11,291
May I ask, sir,
201
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:15,596
what is it that you people do
in a place like this?
202
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:19,866
Well, we meet, discuss,
enjoy each other's company.
203
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:20,867
Scientists?
204
00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:22,703
Not necessarily.
205
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,338
Like a think tank?
206
00:18:24,438 --> 00:18:27,374
No, no, no. Nothing nearly
as grand, Lieutenant.
207
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:30,611
People come to Sigma from all
walks of life, all kinds, all types.
208
00:18:30,711 --> 00:18:34,748
There are 20,000 of us around the world.
We're really quite ordinary.
209
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,684
Except for this.
210
00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:38,785
Well...
211
00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:41,521
But you're not ordinary.
212
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:46,159
Brandt and Hastings. That's
a very important accounting firm, sir.
213
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:47,995
I heard of them.
214
00:18:48,095 --> 00:18:52,532
Well, very kind of you,
Lieutenant. But, it's quite true.
215
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,134
We handle...
216
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,604
We... Oh, dear.
217
00:18:57,704 --> 00:19:00,307
Well, just a few
minor questions, sir.
218
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:05,379
Some of the ladies say that
they heard music coming from up here.
219
00:19:05,579 --> 00:19:07,581
Bertie must have put on
a record on after I left.
220
00:19:07,681 --> 00:19:10,150
You see, we were playing a word game,
221
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,219
looking things up in the dictionary.
222
00:19:13,687 --> 00:19:15,055
On the floor, sir?
223
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,494
He must have put it on the floor.
224
00:19:32,806 --> 00:19:34,741
You mean to tell me, Mr. Brandt,
225
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:38,679
that these very intelligent
people still like to play with trains?
226
00:19:39,413 --> 00:19:40,947
Some of us do.
227
00:19:42,049 --> 00:19:43,617
Poor Bertie did.
228
00:19:43,717 --> 00:19:45,318
Well, I'll tell you,
that's a relief to hear.
229
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:48,488
Because I'll tell you the truth, I could
play with something like that forever.
230
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:54,828
Caroline Treynor. That's the one.
231
00:19:55,095 --> 00:19:57,798
I beg you... Our youngest member.
232
00:19:58,331 --> 00:19:59,866
She's a member too?
233
00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:03,303
Fourteen?
234
00:20:04,004 --> 00:20:06,673
Amazing. Okay.
235
00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:10,110
Now, Caroline, she was standing
in that doorway there.
236
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:14,114
And she says she didn't hear any
footsteps going down those stairs.
237
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,784
Now, everybody else
heard the burglar.
238
00:20:18,185 --> 00:20:21,621
That is, the man
that killed Mr. Hastings.
239
00:20:22,723 --> 00:20:26,193
May I ask you, sir,
what did you hear?
240
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,328
I don't remember.
241
00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:34,201
Okay.
242
00:20:38,205 --> 00:20:39,673
Thirty seconds.
243
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:42,309
Exactly what I got when I timed it.
244
00:20:47,013 --> 00:20:49,416
We didn't start up there the second
we heard the shots.
245
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:53,053
That's right. We were stunned
for eight, maybe 10 seconds.
246
00:20:53,153 --> 00:20:55,889
Good. That means 14 seconds past
between the time...
247
00:20:55,989 --> 00:20:58,692
that you heard the shots and
the time you arrived in the library.
248
00:20:58,792 --> 00:21:00,894
Is that right, excuse me, Mr...
249
00:21:00,994 --> 00:21:03,096
Jason Danziger. I'm the president.
250
00:21:03,196 --> 00:21:05,766
Mr. Danziger. Then when
you arrived in the library...
251
00:21:05,866 --> 00:21:08,201
you saw the other door slam shut.
252
00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:11,872
Now, when you heard
someone running away,
253
00:21:11,972 --> 00:21:16,309
did he go down the stairs
one step at a time, two at a time, how?
254
00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:17,711
One at a time.
255
00:21:18,211 --> 00:21:19,212
You don't agree, ma'am?
256
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:22,716
No, no, no, no. At least two at a time.
He was really flying.
257
00:21:25,352 --> 00:21:26,920
Heavy man, sir?
258
00:21:28,255 --> 00:21:29,689
I'd say so.
259
00:21:30,023 --> 00:21:31,091
Do you agree, sir?
260
00:21:31,191 --> 00:21:33,560
Not necessarily. Average man.
261
00:21:34,094 --> 00:21:37,430
He sounded light to me.
I think he was a woman.
262
00:21:37,764 --> 00:21:39,966
Well, that clears that up.
263
00:21:43,203 --> 00:21:45,338
I must say,
after this dreadful affair,
264
00:21:45,438 --> 00:21:48,341
it would be a comfort
to have a policeman as a member.
265
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:52,546
Lieutenant, do you happen
to know your IQ?
266
00:21:52,646 --> 00:21:54,481
Mine, sir? Oh, no, sir.
267
00:21:54,581 --> 00:21:57,017
No, they took it in the Army
but they never told us.
268
00:21:57,117 --> 00:21:59,286
I'm certainly not
in your league, sir.
269
00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:02,088
You might astonish yourself.
270
00:22:02,189 --> 00:22:06,493
Do you enjoy riddles,
puzzles, that sort of thing?
271
00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:09,963
Well, I enjoy them, yes, sir, I do.
But I don't have any feel for them.
272
00:22:10,063 --> 00:22:12,833
Now, Mrs. Columbo, she's
a whiz at crossword puzzles.
273
00:22:12,933 --> 00:22:14,968
Here's my car, sir.
274
00:22:15,869 --> 00:22:17,838
You might consider testing yourself.
275
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:22,108
Lieutenant, I'm gonna
give you a little problem,
276
00:22:22,209 --> 00:22:24,110
to test your powers
of logical thinking.
277
00:22:24,211 --> 00:22:25,745
That'll be fine, sir.
278
00:22:25,846 --> 00:22:28,849
It's what we call
a minimum information problem.
279
00:22:29,583 --> 00:22:31,918
- Minimum information?
- Practically none.
280
00:22:32,018 --> 00:22:35,188
Now, in a room, are several
sacks of gold pieces,
281
00:22:35,288 --> 00:22:36,623
as many sacks as you like.
282
00:22:36,723 --> 00:22:39,759
Each sack contains several
of these gold pieces.
283
00:22:39,860 --> 00:22:41,528
Again, as many as you like.
284
00:22:41,628 --> 00:22:42,696
Right. Got it.
285
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:45,765
One sack, however, is full
of artificial gold pieces.
286
00:22:45,866 --> 00:22:47,267
And they weigh differently.
287
00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:48,602
Uh-huh.
288
00:22:48,702 --> 00:22:51,404
Now, the solid
gold pieces weigh...
289
00:22:51,504 --> 00:22:55,208
Let's say, a pound each. And the artificial
pieces weigh whatever you like.
290
00:22:55,408 --> 00:22:57,244
Well, what about a pound
and an ounce?
291
00:22:57,344 --> 00:22:58,712
Splendid. Why not?
292
00:22:58,812 --> 00:23:01,648
Now, you have a penny scale.
293
00:23:01,748 --> 00:23:03,817
So I put the penny in
and I get a card...
294
00:23:03,917 --> 00:23:05,986
and that tells me how much
the weight of the gold is?
295
00:23:06,219 --> 00:23:09,923
Exactly. But you only
have one penny.
296
00:23:10,190 --> 00:23:14,227
Now, which sack has
the artificial gold pieces?
297
00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:16,630
- That's it?
- That's it.
298
00:23:18,131 --> 00:23:22,569
That's a hell of a puzzle.
Gee whiz.
299
00:23:22,669 --> 00:23:26,206
You know,
I got a puzzle myself, sir.
300
00:23:26,339 --> 00:23:29,175
As I understand it, you people,
301
00:23:29,276 --> 00:23:32,345
you were all downstairs
when you heard the shots...
302
00:23:32,445 --> 00:23:36,816
and you ran upstairs to the library.
And that took about 40 seconds.
303
00:23:37,417 --> 00:23:40,186
But during that time,
all the killer had to do was...
304
00:23:40,287 --> 00:23:43,890
take the wallet out of your partner's
pocket and remove the money.
305
00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:45,425
Ten seconds.
306
00:23:46,426 --> 00:23:49,095
What did he do
with the rest of the time?
307
00:23:49,829 --> 00:23:52,065
I mean, 30 seconds, sir.
308
00:23:52,532 --> 00:23:56,036
That's a long time to hang around after
you just killed a man.
309
00:23:56,369 --> 00:24:00,507
Yes, a logical question.
Very good. I agree with you.
310
00:24:05,645 --> 00:24:09,049
I'm gonna think about that puzzle,
Mr. Brandt. You can count on that.
311
00:24:09,416 --> 00:24:10,583
Good night, sir.
312
00:24:10,917 --> 00:24:11,918
Good night.
313
00:25:33,633 --> 00:25:35,969
Oliver, is that you?
314
00:25:36,836 --> 00:25:38,638
Yes, love.
315
00:25:59,459 --> 00:26:00,994
How do you like it?
316
00:26:02,562 --> 00:26:04,230
I bought it for you.
317
00:26:04,931 --> 00:26:06,299
Quite lovely.
318
00:26:06,766 --> 00:26:10,837
Oh. You're moody again.
319
00:26:10,937 --> 00:26:13,073
You look exhausted.
320
00:26:14,274 --> 00:26:15,508
What's that?
321
00:26:15,608 --> 00:26:16,676
What? What is it?
322
00:26:16,776 --> 00:26:18,278
Just some mud.
323
00:26:19,079 --> 00:26:22,048
What have you been up to? There.
324
00:26:23,817 --> 00:26:25,718
Oliver, are you all right?
325
00:26:27,754 --> 00:26:30,924
No. Vivian, it's Bertie.
326
00:26:31,524 --> 00:26:32,559
He's dead.
327
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:34,694
What?
328
00:26:34,794 --> 00:26:37,897
At the club.
He was in the library.
329
00:26:37,997 --> 00:26:40,934
He was alone. A burglar got in.
330
00:26:41,301 --> 00:26:42,802
Oh, Oliver.
331
00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:46,906
Shot him twice.
The police came.
332
00:26:47,207 --> 00:26:49,909
You must be feeling awful.
333
00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:55,415
I was always the lucky one.
He had no one.
334
00:26:56,549 --> 00:26:57,917
He had us.
335
00:27:00,186 --> 00:27:01,721
I have you.
336
00:27:02,455 --> 00:27:03,823
Poor Bertie.
337
00:27:03,923 --> 00:27:07,093
We must put Bertie
out of our minds.
338
00:27:08,628 --> 00:27:10,296
We'll take a trip.
339
00:27:10,730 --> 00:27:12,398
We'll buy some clothes.
340
00:27:12,599 --> 00:27:14,134
I'm sure you will.
341
00:27:14,567 --> 00:27:15,935
Oliver.
342
00:27:16,970 --> 00:27:19,772
You have been behaving
very strangely lately.
343
00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:22,108
My best friend is dead, Vivian.
344
00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:26,546
But, darling, we're alive.
Let's enjoy life while we can.
345
00:27:26,713 --> 00:27:29,916
I don't want to spend it watching
your grieving, dismal,
346
00:27:30,016 --> 00:27:32,185
sweet, intelligent face.
347
00:27:32,285 --> 00:27:35,321
Quite right. Please forgive me.
348
00:27:38,358 --> 00:27:39,893
I wonder if you'd be kind enough to...
349
00:27:39,993 --> 00:27:42,562
tell me where I might find
Mr. Brandt's office.
350
00:27:42,662 --> 00:27:46,366
Through the double doors.
Mr. Brandt's secretary will help you.
351
00:27:46,466 --> 00:27:48,501
Thank you very much, ma'am.
352
00:27:55,308 --> 00:27:58,178
Excuse me, I'm looking
for Mr. Brandt's secretary.
353
00:27:58,278 --> 00:28:02,482
He'll be right back
I'm George Camponella. May I help you?
354
00:28:02,582 --> 00:28:04,851
No, no, no, sir.
Just waiting for Mr. Brandt.
355
00:28:04,951 --> 00:28:08,354
Well, he's not my responsibility.
Not anymore.
356
00:28:08,788 --> 00:28:11,191
He'll be right back.
Just have a seat.
357
00:28:28,274 --> 00:28:29,943
Yes, can I help you?
358
00:28:30,210 --> 00:28:34,013
Thank you very much, sir. Just
waiting for Mr. Brandt's secretary.
359
00:28:34,614 --> 00:28:37,050
As of today, I am
Mr. Brandt's secretary.
360
00:28:37,250 --> 00:28:38,284
You are?
361
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:42,555
I just met Mr. Camponella.
362
00:28:42,655 --> 00:28:44,757
Oh, I am sure you did.
363
00:28:44,857 --> 00:28:47,627
My predecessor considers
himself quite a big deal.
364
00:28:47,994 --> 00:28:49,395
Is that a fact?
365
00:28:49,495 --> 00:28:52,632
I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir,
police. And you are...
366
00:28:52,732 --> 00:28:54,467
Alvin. Alvin Metzler.
367
00:28:54,801 --> 00:28:56,970
Until last night,
I worked for Mr. Hastings.
368
00:28:57,470 --> 00:29:00,607
A fine man.
I hope he rests in peace.
369
00:29:01,808 --> 00:29:03,042
This is about Mr. Hastings?
370
00:29:03,142 --> 00:29:05,378
Yes, sir.
Bertie Hastings, the deceased.
371
00:29:05,712 --> 00:29:08,214
I'm looking for Mr. Brandt.
372
00:29:08,314 --> 00:29:10,183
Mr. Brandt took an early lunch.
373
00:29:10,316 --> 00:29:13,419
Sometimes he walks in the park across
the street. South side of the building.
374
00:29:13,686 --> 00:29:16,155
South side of the building.
Thank you very much.
375
00:29:23,096 --> 00:29:25,298
What is that, women's lib in there?
376
00:29:25,398 --> 00:29:27,800
They don't let ladies do
that kind of work anymore?
377
00:29:27,900 --> 00:29:31,904
It's still legal. The partners
prefer male secretaries.
378
00:29:32,005 --> 00:29:33,406
Graduate accountants.
379
00:29:33,706 --> 00:29:36,909
That way they learn
the business and they move up.
380
00:29:37,310 --> 00:29:41,247
Now why didn't I think of that?
Then they get secretaries, right?
381
00:29:41,347 --> 00:29:43,082
Girl-type secretaries.
382
00:29:44,484 --> 00:29:46,653
This fellow, George,
the one that I just met in there,
383
00:29:46,753 --> 00:29:49,555
he used to work for Mr. Brandt.
I guess he just got promoted.
384
00:29:49,656 --> 00:29:52,258
Right. A full-fledged accountant.
385
00:29:52,859 --> 00:29:57,463
I hope Alvin was polite to you
in there because he's very upset.
386
00:29:57,964 --> 00:30:01,534
Oh, So Alvin thinks
he should've gotten promoted?
387
00:30:01,768 --> 00:30:04,170
Who can figure bosses?
388
00:30:58,157 --> 00:31:00,560
You know, sir,
that new secretary of yours,
389
00:31:00,660 --> 00:31:04,063
that's a man you can
really depend upon, that...
390
00:31:04,497 --> 00:31:05,798
Alvin?
391
00:31:06,232 --> 00:31:08,101
- Alvin.
- Yes, Alvin.
392
00:31:08,201 --> 00:31:10,837
He tells me how much you like to
come to the park after lunch,
393
00:31:10,937 --> 00:31:14,340
and here you are, just like he said.
Mind if I walk along, sir?
394
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,276
No, no. I'd be delighted.
395
00:31:19,045 --> 00:31:22,815
I also met your other secretary,
the one that's the accountant now.
396
00:31:22,915 --> 00:31:24,083
Yes, George.
397
00:31:24,183 --> 00:31:25,251
George.
398
00:31:25,351 --> 00:31:27,720
Would you do me
a big personal favor, sir?
399
00:31:27,854 --> 00:31:28,821
My pleasure.
400
00:31:28,921 --> 00:31:31,991
You see, I have this nephew,
he's studying to be an accountant.
401
00:31:32,091 --> 00:31:33,526
Isn't that terrific?
402
00:31:33,626 --> 00:31:35,561
I mean, the young people
today, you know,
403
00:31:35,661 --> 00:31:38,965
all they wanna be is movie stars
and football players.
404
00:31:39,065 --> 00:31:42,869
Now this boy,
he wants to be an accountant.
405
00:31:42,969 --> 00:31:46,339
And I said to myself,
"Who could give me better advice to...
406
00:31:46,439 --> 00:31:49,108
pass along to
my nephew than Mr. Brandt?"
407
00:31:49,208 --> 00:31:53,212
I mean, you know firsthand how
this fellow George worked himself up.
408
00:31:53,312 --> 00:31:55,348
Well, that's because
our firm has a policy...
409
00:31:55,448 --> 00:31:59,485
of rewarding skill and dedication
rather than seniority.
410
00:31:59,585 --> 00:32:03,956
As far as your nephew is concerned, I suggest
he gets all the education that he can,
411
00:32:04,056 --> 00:32:08,361
and then, when he starts to work,
to apply himself assiduously.
412
00:32:08,461 --> 00:32:11,731
Mr. Brandt, thank you very much.
That's very good advice.
413
00:32:11,831 --> 00:32:13,833
And I am going to...
414
00:32:15,501 --> 00:32:17,804
Where did you get
the ice cream cone, sir?
415
00:32:19,972 --> 00:32:21,607
From a vendor across the park.
416
00:32:21,707 --> 00:32:25,745
Oh. Well, I was gonna get one,
but that's too far.
417
00:32:28,214 --> 00:32:33,152
Look at that, sir. Today is
my lucky day. I'll be right back.
418
00:32:57,610 --> 00:32:58,444
Delicious, sir.
419
00:33:00,112 --> 00:33:01,514
Just delicious.
420
00:33:01,614 --> 00:33:04,951
Yes, I know, Lieutenant.
I'm thoroughly addicted.
421
00:33:05,318 --> 00:33:06,886
Addiction.
422
00:33:08,254 --> 00:33:10,723
That must explain the umbrella, sir.
423
00:33:11,390 --> 00:33:12,658
My umbrella?
424
00:33:12,758 --> 00:33:14,827
Well, it's such a beautiful day, sir.
425
00:33:14,927 --> 00:33:18,264
I have to figure that
you always carry an umbrella.
426
00:33:18,364 --> 00:33:20,433
Another addiction, sir.
427
00:33:23,269 --> 00:33:24,737
Excuse me.
428
00:33:28,140 --> 00:33:30,977
Well, actually no, Lieutenant.
I had forgotten my umbrella...
429
00:33:31,077 --> 00:33:33,513
at the Sigma Club and
I stopped by to fetch it.
430
00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:35,181
Well, now...
431
00:33:35,648 --> 00:33:38,951
I suppose you're wondering why
I should bother on such a lovely day.
432
00:33:39,785 --> 00:33:42,688
That's what I was asking.
The umbrella, yes, sir.
433
00:33:43,256 --> 00:33:44,957
In order to serve,
an umbrella must be...
434
00:33:45,057 --> 00:33:47,793
available at the first
collision of seasonal clouds.
435
00:33:48,027 --> 00:33:50,029
The debut of a California drizzle.
436
00:33:50,129 --> 00:33:51,664
Now then, we must consider.
437
00:33:51,764 --> 00:33:53,366
Where shall I be when
the first rain strikes?
438
00:33:53,466 --> 00:33:56,569
Shall I be at home?
In the office? In my car?
439
00:33:56,669 --> 00:33:58,738
Shall I be at the club? At lunch?
440
00:33:58,838 --> 00:34:00,439
Now we're dealing in probabilities.
441
00:34:00,540 --> 00:34:03,876
Right, sir. Probabilities.
Options, you might say.
442
00:34:03,976 --> 00:34:05,845
Options indeed.
443
00:34:05,945 --> 00:34:10,116
Now, in the final analysis, I spend
just 13 hours per day at my residence.
444
00:34:10,216 --> 00:34:13,452
However, there are other factors to be
considered in this equation.
445
00:34:13,553 --> 00:34:16,188
Time at the office,
time at the club, time en route,
446
00:34:16,289 --> 00:34:20,426
and, dear me, we have not
even mentioned weekends.
447
00:34:20,526 --> 00:34:22,828
Time on the golf course.
448
00:34:22,929 --> 00:34:26,832
On top of that, I may be called upon
at any hour of the day or night...
449
00:34:26,933 --> 00:34:28,668
to confer with a client.
450
00:34:28,968 --> 00:34:33,706
Where then should one keep
an umbrella ready for instant use?
451
00:34:34,106 --> 00:34:36,509
Upon consideration of these
and other variables,
452
00:34:36,609 --> 00:34:39,478
I have come to the conclusion,
sir, that the one,
453
00:34:39,579 --> 00:34:42,348
the only proper place
to lodge an umbrella,
454
00:34:42,448 --> 00:34:46,419
giving one the best play in the game
of avoiding being rained upon,
455
00:34:46,519 --> 00:34:51,190
that place is precisely at home.
Good day, Lieutenant.
456
00:35:01,567 --> 00:35:02,768
Mr. Brandt.
457
00:35:02,868 --> 00:35:04,470
Yes, what is it, George?
458
00:35:05,004 --> 00:35:07,673
These private accounts
you were interested in, sir.
459
00:35:08,207 --> 00:35:10,009
I thought, what, with
this being tax season,
460
00:35:10,109 --> 00:35:13,412
you might prefer to work on them
at home, at your convenience.
461
00:35:13,779 --> 00:35:16,015
Yes, how very thoughtful of you, George.
462
00:35:16,382 --> 00:35:19,051
Why don't you drop them by
this evening on your way home?
463
00:35:19,619 --> 00:35:20,886
I'd be happy to.
464
00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:57,183
I have a theory, Lieutenant.
465
00:36:59,485 --> 00:37:01,554
I know how the murderer did it.
466
00:37:01,787 --> 00:37:05,391
There never was any burglar.
Somebody planned to kill Mr. Hastings.
467
00:37:05,658 --> 00:37:08,461
Planned? You really think so?
468
00:37:09,095 --> 00:37:11,664
I think he was killed
before we heard the shots.
469
00:37:11,764 --> 00:37:13,365
Because we never heard the real shots.
470
00:37:13,466 --> 00:37:16,001
The shots we heard
were on that record.
471
00:37:16,368 --> 00:37:19,905
On the record.
Shots on the record.
472
00:37:20,773 --> 00:37:22,742
I don't know. I mean
that's a very good idea,
473
00:37:22,842 --> 00:37:24,944
but I just played that record
four separate times.
474
00:37:25,044 --> 00:37:28,013
I don't suppose
I could've missed those shots.
475
00:37:28,347 --> 00:37:30,549
But I could play it again and see.
476
00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,852
That's okay, Lieutenant.
477
00:37:33,619 --> 00:37:36,188
I didn't realize you played
the record at all.
478
00:37:36,288 --> 00:37:40,259
Well, you keep thinking, Caroline.
I can use all the help I can get.
479
00:37:40,926 --> 00:37:44,263
And anyone who can come up with an idea
as good as the one that you just had...
480
00:37:44,363 --> 00:37:45,965
can also come up with the answer.
481
00:37:46,065 --> 00:37:47,900
And I'm gonna tell you something else.
482
00:37:48,734 --> 00:37:51,270
You not only have a terrific mind,
483
00:37:52,037 --> 00:37:55,207
you're also a remarkably pretty girl.
484
00:37:59,678 --> 00:38:01,347
You know something, Lieutenant?
485
00:38:03,582 --> 00:38:06,552
That's the very first time
anybody ever told me they...
486
00:38:06,652 --> 00:38:09,321
liked me for my body
instead of my mind.
487
00:38:21,700 --> 00:38:23,903
Excuse me! I'm sorry.
488
00:38:24,003 --> 00:38:25,171
Forgive me, sir.
489
00:38:26,105 --> 00:38:27,706
Well, it's a funny thing, you know.
490
00:38:27,807 --> 00:38:29,942
You're just the person
that I was looking for.
491
00:38:30,042 --> 00:38:32,244
Would you mind stepping inside for
just one moment, sir?
492
00:38:32,344 --> 00:38:34,513
I was looking for you too, Lieutenant.
493
00:38:34,980 --> 00:38:38,250
What a coincidence.
Let me ask you something, sir.
494
00:38:39,285 --> 00:38:43,289
That big dictionary on the floor,
does that look peculiar to you?
495
00:38:43,923 --> 00:38:45,691
Well, it should be on the stand.
496
00:38:45,791 --> 00:38:48,527
That's what I thought.
And another thing.
497
00:38:52,665 --> 00:38:57,436
The medical examiner says
that both bullets entered the body...
498
00:38:57,770 --> 00:38:59,438
at exactly the same angle.
499
00:39:00,039 --> 00:39:04,043
Now if the killer fired
and then the body fell.
500
00:39:04,543 --> 00:39:07,379
Then he fired again,
like you all heard...
501
00:39:07,479 --> 00:39:09,849
Then the bullets would've
entered at different angles.
502
00:39:10,182 --> 00:39:12,318
Yes, I would say so, sir.
503
00:39:12,418 --> 00:39:15,154
That goes right along
with my suicide theory.
504
00:39:15,588 --> 00:39:16,856
Suicide?
505
00:39:18,324 --> 00:39:23,529
You mean he shot himself
in the chest, then fell to the floor,
506
00:39:23,629 --> 00:39:25,331
then did it again?
507
00:39:26,498 --> 00:39:30,269
One thing, sir.
How did he get rid of the gun?
508
00:39:30,736 --> 00:39:32,605
Part of his plan. He had to.
509
00:39:33,005 --> 00:39:33,973
Had to?
510
00:39:34,106 --> 00:39:35,774
Get rid of the gun.
511
00:39:36,775 --> 00:39:39,678
I sold Bertie his life insurance.
512
00:39:39,778 --> 00:39:42,715
There's a suicide clause
in the policy.
513
00:39:42,815 --> 00:39:45,985
If I can ever be of any help...
514
00:39:46,218 --> 00:39:48,187
Suicide clause.
I can guess what that is.
515
00:39:48,287 --> 00:39:50,856
If he kills himself
your company doesn't pay.
516
00:39:50,956 --> 00:39:53,192
So he had to hide the gun.
517
00:39:53,292 --> 00:39:54,393
Now,
518
00:39:55,694 --> 00:40:02,067
I think he had it
on some sort of elastic tether.
519
00:40:03,802 --> 00:40:06,538
Elastic? Oh, that's very interesting.
520
00:40:06,639 --> 00:40:09,508
He fired the first shot,
521
00:40:09,608 --> 00:40:14,580
the rigging probably triggered
the second shot.
522
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:18,717
And the gun just snapped away.
Where to, sir?
523
00:40:18,817 --> 00:40:20,152
Two possibilities.
524
00:40:24,390 --> 00:40:26,992
Out the window.
525
00:40:28,527 --> 00:40:33,032
Screen on the window.
I don't know how the gun...
526
00:40:33,332 --> 00:40:36,902
Then, if you'll take the trouble...
527
00:40:37,803 --> 00:40:42,107
to glance up the chimney,
I am sure you'll find the gun.
528
00:40:44,510 --> 00:40:48,047
You're not gonna
believe this, sir. But I...
529
00:40:53,319 --> 00:40:54,887
You see, I...
530
00:40:54,987 --> 00:40:57,790
You already checked up there?
531
00:40:58,390 --> 00:41:02,428
Don't get me wrong, sir. I never thought
of the gun being on the elastic.
532
00:41:02,528 --> 00:41:05,564
I mean, I just happened
to look up there...
533
00:41:05,664 --> 00:41:08,400
I mean, it was just because
the... All the lab boys, you know,
534
00:41:08,500 --> 00:41:11,470
they were vacuuming the rug
and they said that there was...
535
00:41:11,570 --> 00:41:13,706
powder carbon around.
536
00:41:14,606 --> 00:41:18,010
Well, anytime, Lieutenant.
537
00:41:44,670 --> 00:41:47,272
Oh, you poor man.
538
00:41:47,373 --> 00:41:49,808
Why didn't you park
in the driveway?
539
00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:52,845
Well, I have an oil leak
in my car, ma'am, and...
540
00:41:52,945 --> 00:41:56,782
Wouldn't you know it.
Just tonight my wife decided...
541
00:41:56,882 --> 00:42:00,419
to try out a new spot remover
for my raincoat.
542
00:42:00,619 --> 00:42:03,188
Why don't you put
your umbrella over there?
543
00:42:09,695 --> 00:42:11,730
Do sit down, Lieutenant.
544
00:42:12,998 --> 00:42:15,167
Oh, would you look at that?
545
00:42:16,101 --> 00:42:19,271
That's the same Victrola
that they have down at the Sigma Club.
546
00:42:19,371 --> 00:42:23,709
Yes, Oliver donated it.
One of his clients makes them.
547
00:42:23,809 --> 00:42:25,511
You know, the one at the club is
working very funny.
548
00:42:25,644 --> 00:42:27,279
Every time you push the play button...
549
00:42:27,379 --> 00:42:31,216
the needle drops down right in the
middle and always in the same spot.
550
00:42:31,316 --> 00:42:36,221
Oh, I think I can explain that.
It has a computer. A memory.
551
00:42:36,321 --> 00:42:40,359
So, say you wanted to
play a Sinatra record.
552
00:42:40,793 --> 00:42:42,594
How about this one?
553
00:42:42,995 --> 00:42:44,363
Really, Inspector?
554
00:42:44,463 --> 00:42:45,998
Well, why not?
555
00:42:46,632 --> 00:42:47,800
Well...
556
00:42:50,936 --> 00:42:55,507
Say you wanted to hear the second and
the fifth track of a record.
557
00:42:55,941 --> 00:43:01,113
You can set this, so that
it skips all the others.
558
00:43:02,247 --> 00:43:04,149
Just by pushing those buttons?
559
00:43:04,316 --> 00:43:09,421
You can even set it so that it plays
the same track over and over again.
560
00:43:09,621 --> 00:43:11,657
And it also switches itself off.
561
00:43:11,857 --> 00:43:13,158
Isn't that something?
562
00:43:13,692 --> 00:43:15,194
A glass of wine, Lieutenant?
563
00:43:15,294 --> 00:43:17,496
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
564
00:43:19,198 --> 00:43:23,235
Sir, here I am, playing with this
beautiful machine and...
565
00:43:24,169 --> 00:43:25,737
What a coincidence.
566
00:43:26,672 --> 00:43:29,041
What I was going to
ask you, sir, was...
567
00:43:29,641 --> 00:43:32,511
the murderer wouldn't have
put the record on up in the library,
568
00:43:32,611 --> 00:43:35,914
and you didn't do it.
So that means Mr. Hastings did it.
569
00:43:36,014 --> 00:43:39,084
Now did your friend have
any particular liking for Tchaikovsky?
570
00:43:39,585 --> 00:43:40,986
Bertie had a tin ear.
571
00:43:41,086 --> 00:43:43,689
He understood nothing
and liked everything.
572
00:43:44,189 --> 00:43:45,591
Tchaikovsky included.
573
00:43:45,891 --> 00:43:49,795
That's exactly what
your secretary Alvin said.
574
00:43:50,129 --> 00:43:52,731
I see. Well, I suppose
Alvin would know.
575
00:43:52,831 --> 00:43:56,101
He was with Bertie
for almost a year. Please.
576
00:43:57,469 --> 00:44:00,639
Oh. It's getting very late, sir.
Mrs. Brandt.
577
00:44:00,739 --> 00:44:02,508
But you haven't touched
your wine.
578
00:44:02,608 --> 00:44:04,910
Some other time, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
579
00:44:05,077 --> 00:44:06,478
I'll see you out.
580
00:44:12,718 --> 00:44:16,121
One more question, sir.
About those sacks of gold.
581
00:44:16,622 --> 00:44:21,493
If I put them all on the scale
and then take them off one by one.
582
00:44:21,593 --> 00:44:23,962
No. You use your penny.
583
00:44:24,062 --> 00:44:27,900
You get a card. You have
one reading on the weight.
584
00:44:28,667 --> 00:44:31,336
Right. Got it.
585
00:44:32,204 --> 00:44:35,507
I'm gonna work on that
tonight with Mrs. Columbo.
586
00:44:39,978 --> 00:44:41,313
Good night, Lieutenant.
587
00:44:57,129 --> 00:45:00,599
Hi. I'm Suzy.
588
00:45:00,899 --> 00:45:02,134
Hi, Suzy.
589
00:45:03,602 --> 00:45:07,372
I've tried Esalen,
Primal Scream, Pyramid Power,
590
00:45:07,472 --> 00:45:10,909
Synanon, a black mass
in San Francisco,
591
00:45:11,009 --> 00:45:15,881
open marriage, est, TA, TM,
I'm OK, You're OK,
592
00:45:15,981 --> 00:45:17,516
and I'm still a target.
593
00:45:21,086 --> 00:45:23,455
Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
We've met.
594
00:45:23,555 --> 00:45:25,157
Nice to see you here.
595
00:45:28,727 --> 00:45:32,731
It's really very crowded
here, ma'am. I'm terribly sorry.
596
00:45:32,831 --> 00:45:35,667
I enjoyed it.
I'm Suzy. He's George.
597
00:45:35,767 --> 00:45:37,803
How'd you find me? Alvin?
598
00:45:37,903 --> 00:45:40,339
I don't like to talk
behind people's backs, sir,
599
00:45:40,439 --> 00:45:42,174
but I don't think
Alvin likes you very much.
600
00:45:42,274 --> 00:45:43,909
Now do you come here often,
Lieutenant?
601
00:45:44,009 --> 00:45:45,777
No, ma'am. My first time.
602
00:45:45,877 --> 00:45:47,746
Listen, what else did he
tell you, Lieutenant?
603
00:45:47,846 --> 00:45:51,049
I can tell, sir, that
you're the kind of man...
604
00:45:51,149 --> 00:45:54,419
that has a lot of
terrific plans for himself.
605
00:45:54,720 --> 00:45:57,356
But I think you ought
to think about something.
606
00:45:57,456 --> 00:45:59,191
Let me buy you a drink, Lieutenant.
607
00:45:59,291 --> 00:46:01,593
Thank you very much, ma'am,
but I'm working.
608
00:46:01,693 --> 00:46:04,529
As a matter of fact, I can't think of
a time when I wasn't working.
609
00:46:05,564 --> 00:46:06,965
You see, sir,
610
00:46:08,467 --> 00:46:11,436
here I am telling you
something, sir.
611
00:46:13,772 --> 00:46:18,277
Any accountant who is
aware of a felony,
612
00:46:18,377 --> 00:46:20,879
he becomes an accessory
to that felony...
613
00:46:20,979 --> 00:46:23,448
unless he reports it
to the proper authorities.
614
00:46:23,548 --> 00:46:25,317
I like the way
you wear your hair.
615
00:46:25,417 --> 00:46:26,918
What I'm saying is...
616
00:46:27,019 --> 00:46:29,855
Oh, thank you very much, ma'am.
I like the way you wear yours.
617
00:46:31,023 --> 00:46:34,860
What I'm trying to say,
George, is I really don't think...
618
00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:38,497
you're gonna be able to make it
to the top with a police record.
619
00:46:39,398 --> 00:46:41,266
I don't think so.
620
00:46:44,603 --> 00:46:46,338
Goodbye, Lieutenant.
621
00:46:49,775 --> 00:46:53,545
You have some
very interesting friends.
622
00:46:54,046 --> 00:46:55,647
I wish I were dead.
623
00:47:15,233 --> 00:47:16,535
Lieutenant.
624
00:47:21,873 --> 00:47:22,941
You bought that here?
625
00:47:24,576 --> 00:47:27,012
No, I bought it in the donut shop...
626
00:47:27,112 --> 00:47:28,814
because I was gonna eat it
in the elevator,
627
00:47:28,914 --> 00:47:32,084
but then I saw my friend here and...
628
00:47:33,585 --> 00:47:36,021
I'm really terribly sorry.
629
00:47:41,660 --> 00:47:43,228
Well, let me see.
630
00:47:44,629 --> 00:47:46,498
Let's see now.
631
00:47:46,698 --> 00:47:47,966
I can come back.
632
00:47:48,066 --> 00:47:50,769
No, no, no, I'll have...
633
00:47:52,537 --> 00:47:54,406
I'll have a donut.
634
00:48:00,746 --> 00:48:03,315
I thought about
what you said, Lieutenant.
635
00:48:03,582 --> 00:48:06,051
Sir, if it'll be of any help to you,
636
00:48:06,284 --> 00:48:11,390
I know that Mr. Brandt lost lots of
money on some stock options.
637
00:48:11,723 --> 00:48:13,291
Alvin again?
638
00:48:15,961 --> 00:48:18,196
So Mr. Brandt needed money.
639
00:48:18,530 --> 00:48:20,766
Have you met Mrs. Brandt?
640
00:48:20,866 --> 00:48:22,234
Yes.
641
00:48:25,804 --> 00:48:28,874
Okay. I went back
to the office one night.
642
00:48:29,408 --> 00:48:31,676
He was Mr. Hastings'
secretary at the time.
643
00:48:31,943 --> 00:48:36,014
Well, there he was, replacing
some files in Brandt's office.
644
00:48:36,248 --> 00:48:39,751
Confidential accounts that
Brandt handled personally.
645
00:48:40,552 --> 00:48:43,388
Now this is when you were still
Mr. Brandt's secretary, right?
646
00:48:43,488 --> 00:48:44,489
That's right.
647
00:48:45,657 --> 00:48:49,094
Why would Alvin fiddle around
with your boss's accounts?
648
00:48:49,194 --> 00:48:51,997
Because Hastings told him
to bring him the files.
649
00:48:52,097 --> 00:48:55,934
He must've suspected
that his partner was engaged in some...
650
00:48:56,234 --> 00:48:58,270
creative bookkeeping.
651
00:48:58,370 --> 00:48:59,237
Will that be all?
652
00:48:59,337 --> 00:49:01,606
Yes, very nice. Thank you.
653
00:49:03,708 --> 00:49:05,277
Creative bookkeeping?
654
00:49:05,377 --> 00:49:07,412
You see, most of our work
is corporate.
655
00:49:07,679 --> 00:49:11,683
But Brandt likes to handle some of the
individual accounts himself.
656
00:49:11,783 --> 00:49:14,820
Old clients, mostly widows.
657
00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:17,756
Are these widows, sir, wealthy?
658
00:49:17,856 --> 00:49:21,326
Loaded. I checked the files and ran
some computer printouts.
659
00:49:21,793 --> 00:49:23,128
And what's the bottom line, sir?
660
00:49:24,095 --> 00:49:27,632
Brandt has been sifting funds
from his clients' accounts.
661
00:49:27,732 --> 00:49:29,701
A very nifty job.
662
00:49:29,801 --> 00:49:33,972
So you told your boss that
Mr. Hastings knew what he was doing?
663
00:49:34,439 --> 00:49:36,942
Congratulations on your promotion, sir.
664
00:49:37,175 --> 00:49:39,778
I'm always glad to
cooperate, Lieutenant.
665
00:49:42,714 --> 00:49:45,584
Oh, good morning, sir. I was just
explaining to the Lieutenant that...
666
00:49:45,684 --> 00:49:47,719
Sit down, George.
Finish your grapefruit.
667
00:49:47,819 --> 00:49:50,088
I think I can guess
what you were explaining.
668
00:49:50,188 --> 00:49:52,023
More tips for your nephew, right,
Lieutenant?
669
00:49:52,123 --> 00:49:55,961
Right, sir. George
was telling me exactly...
670
00:49:56,061 --> 00:50:00,499
how a young accountant gets ahead.
Take my seat, sir. Please.
671
00:50:02,367 --> 00:50:03,702
Sir.
672
00:50:11,476 --> 00:50:16,414
He wasn't talking about his
nephew, sir. It's Alvin again.
673
00:50:24,422 --> 00:50:26,124
Good morning, Mr. Brandt. I...
674
00:50:27,926 --> 00:50:28,927
What?
675
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:32,697
Good morning again, sir.
I thought you'd rather talk up here.
676
00:50:32,797 --> 00:50:33,999
You're at my desk.
677
00:50:34,099 --> 00:50:35,567
Oh, sorry, sir.
678
00:50:35,667 --> 00:50:37,702
You realize this is
our busiest time of the year.
679
00:50:37,802 --> 00:50:40,839
I understand, sir.
And I wouldn't bother you, but...
680
00:50:41,873 --> 00:50:45,010
I'm afraid that Mr. Hastings
might have been involved in some...
681
00:50:45,110 --> 00:50:46,945
nasty things around here, sir.
682
00:50:48,280 --> 00:50:52,050
I know this is hard to believe, sir.
But I happen to know...
683
00:50:52,350 --> 00:50:55,020
that he had his secretary...
684
00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:58,423
take some account files from your office.
685
00:50:58,623 --> 00:50:59,758
Alvin?
686
00:51:01,326 --> 00:51:05,830
Are you suggesting a conspiracy
between Bertie and Alvin?
687
00:51:05,964 --> 00:51:07,332
I hate to say this, sir,
688
00:51:07,432 --> 00:51:11,202
but Mr. Hastings might have
been doctoring those counts.
689
00:51:20,378 --> 00:51:23,848
This comes as a terrible shock
to me, Lieutenant.
690
00:51:24,316 --> 00:51:26,084
You'll have to excuse me.
691
00:51:26,184 --> 00:51:30,121
Oh, yes, sir. I understand.
You'll certainly need time to think.
692
00:51:42,934 --> 00:51:44,669
- Mr. Brandt.
- What is it?
693
00:51:44,769 --> 00:51:47,539
I owe it to myself
to express my dissatisfaction.
694
00:51:47,639 --> 00:51:49,608
I was clearly in line for
the position that you gave George.
695
00:51:49,708 --> 00:51:54,212
You dare tell me your position in
this firm. You niggling little twit.
696
00:51:54,312 --> 00:51:56,481
You self-serving ambitious lout.
697
00:51:56,581 --> 00:52:00,018
Maybe Mr. Hastings took this abuse
from you, but I certainly will not!
698
00:52:00,118 --> 00:52:03,321
And you'll take it, too,
Alvin, twentyfold.
699
00:52:03,421 --> 00:52:06,391
You'll be a secretary here
until you're old and gray.
700
00:52:06,491 --> 00:52:09,628
And if you try to work anywhere else,
I'll pull so many strings...
701
00:52:09,728 --> 00:52:10,562
that you'll strangle in them.
702
00:52:10,829 --> 00:52:12,931
- But that's...
- Now, go back to your desk!
703
00:52:13,031 --> 00:52:17,168
Suddenly, Alvin, you're a great,
choking stench in my life.
704
00:52:17,268 --> 00:52:17,969
Get out!
705
00:52:26,611 --> 00:52:27,879
What was that?
706
00:52:27,979 --> 00:52:29,180
What?
707
00:52:29,581 --> 00:52:31,750
Well, the whole house shook.
708
00:52:33,585 --> 00:52:35,820
The world is crumbling.
What do you expect?
709
00:52:46,898 --> 00:52:49,100
What is wrong with you?
710
00:52:49,200 --> 00:52:52,837
I have been betrayed, pursued,
and threatened by innuendo.
711
00:52:52,937 --> 00:52:55,340
The least I could hope for
is some understanding from my wife.
712
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:59,277
It's the new negligee
I bought. Is that it?
713
00:52:59,377 --> 00:53:02,313
It is everything you have bought.
We are in trouble.
714
00:53:02,414 --> 00:53:04,849
Oh, and of course it's my fault.
715
00:53:04,949 --> 00:53:07,052
Well, you are the mother
of my predicament.
716
00:53:07,152 --> 00:53:10,789
And now, little Oliver wants
to be mothered. Is that it?
717
00:53:10,889 --> 00:53:13,558
I want what is due me!
718
00:53:16,327 --> 00:53:20,098
Some affection, understanding, gratitude.
719
00:53:21,533 --> 00:53:24,936
Support in the worst of times.
720
00:53:25,036 --> 00:53:26,404
I don't know what
you're talking about.
721
00:53:26,504 --> 00:53:28,540
I have embezzled funds!
722
00:53:33,878 --> 00:53:35,080
And I did it for you.
723
00:53:38,049 --> 00:53:42,454
Oliver, I've never understood
about business.
724
00:53:43,021 --> 00:53:44,856
I belong to another part
of your life.
725
00:53:44,956 --> 00:53:47,759
Do you understand
what I am telling you?
726
00:53:48,860 --> 00:53:51,196
No. And I don't think I want to.
727
00:54:01,773 --> 00:54:02,774
Oliver Brandt.
728
00:54:02,874 --> 00:54:04,743
Mr. Brandt, this is Sergeant Kline.
729
00:54:04,843 --> 00:54:06,845
Lieutenant Columbo and Sergeant Burke
would appreciate it...
730
00:54:06,945 --> 00:54:09,247
if you'd come by the Sigma Club right away.
731
00:55:55,253 --> 00:55:57,088
Oh, there you are.
732
00:55:57,589 --> 00:55:59,190
Is that you, Mr. Brandt?
733
00:55:59,290 --> 00:56:00,859
It is, Lieutenant.
734
00:56:00,959 --> 00:56:02,927
Come on up, Mr. Brandt.
735
00:56:03,695 --> 00:56:05,029
You need anything else, sir?
736
00:56:05,129 --> 00:56:07,565
No, that's fine.
Good night, Sergeant.
737
00:56:07,765 --> 00:56:09,200
Good night, Lieutenant.
738
00:56:30,288 --> 00:56:33,258
Oh, just in time, sir.
Perfect. I want you to see this.
739
00:56:42,100 --> 00:56:45,370
Now I want you to see what happens, sir,
when the record finishes.
740
00:56:45,470 --> 00:56:49,140
It was really very thoughtful of you,
sir, to give this Victrola to the club.
741
00:56:49,240 --> 00:56:52,510
Well, I...
I enjoy giving pleasure.
742
00:56:52,610 --> 00:56:56,781
I hope those explosions didn't
frighten you, sir. Just experimenting.
743
00:56:58,216 --> 00:56:59,918
Soon.
744
00:57:00,885 --> 00:57:02,754
Finished. Now watch.
745
00:57:02,854 --> 00:57:06,591
It glides across the record
and it goes to this point right here.
746
00:57:06,691 --> 00:57:11,629
Then it goes back again,
past this point here, right here.
747
00:57:11,729 --> 00:57:15,300
And then it goes all the way back again
and it rests on this whatchamacallit.
748
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:17,735
Now, I want you
to notice this, sir.
749
00:57:20,338 --> 00:57:22,707
Here on this whatchamacallit.
750
00:57:23,107 --> 00:57:27,312
Right here.
Funny little scratches.
751
00:57:27,512 --> 00:57:30,815
Here and here.
752
00:57:31,015 --> 00:57:32,216
Do you see those, sir?
753
00:57:32,517 --> 00:57:33,584
Yes.
754
00:57:33,818 --> 00:57:36,154
A tiny clamp with teeth.
755
00:57:36,254 --> 00:57:39,290
Sergeant Burke thinks
baby alligator clamps.
756
00:57:39,390 --> 00:57:41,159
Now a funny thing.
757
00:57:42,994 --> 00:57:46,731
You remember Miss Eisenback
got a long distance call?
758
00:57:46,831 --> 00:57:48,599
Yes, from her father.
759
00:57:48,833 --> 00:57:50,335
In Memphis.
760
00:57:50,702 --> 00:57:54,772
The call came in just after you left
Mr. Hastings and went downstairs.
761
00:57:54,872 --> 00:57:55,907
Lieutenant Columbo...
762
00:57:56,007 --> 00:57:57,308
And then the call was interrupted.
763
00:57:57,408 --> 00:58:01,145
She had to hang up
when she heard the shots.
764
00:58:01,245 --> 00:58:02,580
If you say so.
765
00:58:03,414 --> 00:58:05,249
Here it is.
766
00:58:05,750 --> 00:58:09,654
I got this from the South Central Bell
Telephone Company in Memphis.
767
00:58:09,754 --> 00:58:12,724
Here's the call from her father.
The date.
768
00:58:13,458 --> 00:58:15,727
How long they talked.
769
00:58:15,827 --> 00:58:17,962
All right.
They talked four minutes.
770
00:58:18,062 --> 00:58:20,865
Which is almost
exactly the same length...
771
00:58:20,965 --> 00:58:24,102
of time that
the record player is set for.
772
00:58:24,202 --> 00:58:28,439
Watch. I'm going to push
the play button.
773
00:58:33,411 --> 00:58:37,749
Notice that the arm doesn't start at
the beginning. It starts in the middle.
774
00:58:37,849 --> 00:58:41,019
And if you let that play, sir,
it will take four minutes.
775
00:58:41,219 --> 00:58:43,287
And it does it every time.
776
00:58:43,388 --> 00:58:45,523
Lieutenant, is this what
you called me out for?
777
00:58:45,690 --> 00:58:47,658
No, sir. Not quite.
778
00:58:48,693 --> 00:58:51,729
To tell you the truth, sir,
I have another reason.
779
00:58:54,265 --> 00:58:55,900
Mr. Brandt.
780
00:58:58,469 --> 00:59:01,672
I know exactly what you did
and how you did it.
781
00:59:03,241 --> 00:59:05,009
The gold sack puzzle, sir.
782
00:59:06,244 --> 00:59:08,746
Mrs. Columbo figured it out.
783
00:59:09,414 --> 00:59:12,750
You said that there were
these sacks of gold in a room...
784
00:59:12,850 --> 00:59:15,853
and that one of the sacks
was filled with phony gold.
785
00:59:15,953 --> 00:59:19,657
And that the phony gold
weighed more than the real gold.
786
00:59:19,757 --> 00:59:22,593
And that I had a penny scale
but only one penny.
787
00:59:22,693 --> 00:59:25,029
And therefore only one chance
to weigh anything.
788
00:59:25,129 --> 00:59:29,333
And I had to figure out
which of the sacks had the phony gold.
789
00:59:29,434 --> 00:59:30,768
Am I right so far, sir?
790
00:59:30,868 --> 00:59:31,869
Yes.
791
00:59:32,070 --> 00:59:33,838
All right. Well, let's just say
there were three sacks...
792
00:59:33,938 --> 00:59:36,307
because I happen to have
three sacks here.
793
00:59:36,707 --> 00:59:39,644
And we'll make believe that
this chocolate is the gold.
794
00:59:39,944 --> 00:59:44,248
And each real gold piece
weighs one pound.
795
00:59:44,715 --> 00:59:48,319
But one of these sacks
has the phony gold.
796
00:59:48,553 --> 00:59:52,657
And the phony gold weighs
one pound and one ounce.
797
00:59:52,924 --> 00:59:54,358
Am I right up to here, sir?
798
00:59:54,492 --> 00:59:55,726
Satisfactory so far.
799
00:59:55,827 --> 00:59:57,128
Follow me, sir.
800
00:59:59,330 --> 01:00:01,999
- We're going to the scale.
- Yes.
801
01:00:03,534 --> 01:00:05,636
And here's the scale.
802
01:00:06,170 --> 01:00:10,475
Now, one bag,
two bags, three bags.
803
01:00:10,575 --> 01:00:13,478
Now we take one piece from bag one.
804
01:00:13,578 --> 01:00:16,914
We take two pieces from bag two.
805
01:00:17,014 --> 01:00:20,118
We take three pieces from bag three.
806
01:00:20,218 --> 01:00:22,320
How many pieces is that, sir?
807
01:00:22,687 --> 01:00:25,523
- Six.
- Six. So far so good.
808
01:00:25,623 --> 01:00:29,660
We take all six pieces.
We put them on the scale.
809
01:00:30,228 --> 01:00:33,064
Now if that were
a regular scale...
810
01:00:33,164 --> 01:00:37,969
and if all six pieces were
the real gold, it would weigh six pounds.
811
01:00:39,303 --> 01:00:44,375
But if the first bag had
the phony pieces,
812
01:00:44,609 --> 01:00:48,312
it would weigh six pounds
and one ounce...
813
01:00:48,546 --> 01:00:52,517
because I only took one piece
from the first bag.
814
01:00:53,851 --> 01:00:58,022
And if the second bag had
the phony gold pieces...
815
01:00:58,122 --> 01:01:01,559
it would weigh six pounds
and two ounces...
816
01:01:01,692 --> 01:01:04,462
because I took two pieces
from the second bag.
817
01:01:04,562 --> 01:01:05,997
Bravo, Lieutenant.
818
01:01:06,097 --> 01:01:09,033
And if the third bag were
the phony bag,
819
01:01:09,133 --> 01:01:13,971
it would weigh six pounds and three
ounces and so on and so on and so on.
820
01:01:14,071 --> 01:01:17,408
Sir... It's a terrific puzzle.
821
01:01:50,841 --> 01:01:52,476
Must be fun playing
with these trains.
822
01:01:52,577 --> 01:01:54,979
It'd be terrific if we just
had the time, right, sir?
823
01:01:55,079 --> 01:01:57,148
Yes, it would be nice.
824
01:01:58,249 --> 01:02:00,785
You know, sir, it's a funny thing.
825
01:02:01,886 --> 01:02:04,822
All my life I kept running
into smart people.
826
01:02:05,356 --> 01:02:08,893
I don't just mean smart
like you and the people in this house.
827
01:02:09,727 --> 01:02:11,429
You know what I mean.
828
01:02:12,964 --> 01:02:16,300
In school there were
lots of smarter kids.
829
01:02:16,534 --> 01:02:19,337
And when I first joined
the force, sir,
830
01:02:19,971 --> 01:02:23,507
they had some
very clever people there.
831
01:02:24,609 --> 01:02:26,744
And I could tell right away that
it wasn't gonna be easy...
832
01:02:26,844 --> 01:02:29,247
making detective as
long as they were around.
833
01:02:30,848 --> 01:02:32,516
But I figured that...
834
01:02:33,517 --> 01:02:38,556
if I worked harder than they did,
and put in more time,
835
01:02:39,757 --> 01:02:41,459
read the books,
836
01:02:42,660 --> 01:02:47,198
kept my eyes open, maybe
I could make it happen.
837
01:02:47,865 --> 01:02:49,133
And I did.
838
01:02:54,138 --> 01:02:57,041
And I really love my work, sir.
839
01:02:57,141 --> 01:02:58,409
I can tell you do.
840
01:02:59,744 --> 01:03:01,812
If there's one thing
I've learned, Lieutenant,
841
01:03:02,013 --> 01:03:04,382
it's that we all have
a cross to bear.
842
01:03:04,482 --> 01:03:08,986
Including those of us
who seem most fortunate.
843
01:03:09,854 --> 01:03:12,723
My problem is just the opposite.
844
01:03:13,858 --> 01:03:19,697
Born smart, as they say.
A blessing, you'd think.
845
01:03:20,197 --> 01:03:24,001
I had no real childhood.
I was an imitation adult.
846
01:03:24,101 --> 01:03:26,704
'Cause that's what
was expected of me.
847
01:03:26,804 --> 01:03:32,109
Most people don't like smart people.
Most children despise smart children.
848
01:03:32,209 --> 01:03:35,680
So, early on, I had to hide
my so-called gift,
849
01:03:35,780 --> 01:03:40,251
conceal it from my own brothers and
sisters, my classmates, in the service.
850
01:03:41,686 --> 01:03:44,755
Painful, lonely years.
851
01:03:46,257 --> 01:03:48,359
You know, sir,
I never thought of that.
852
01:03:48,459 --> 01:03:50,795
I wonder if all those
early bitter memories...
853
01:03:51,796 --> 01:03:56,467
had something to do with my recent
discovery that I simply no longer care,
854
01:03:56,567 --> 01:04:01,005
even for my fellow
intelligentsia in this club.
855
01:04:01,572 --> 01:04:04,241
I find them eccentric bores.
856
01:04:09,213 --> 01:04:11,716
Mr. Brandt, now I've
got a puzzle for you.
857
01:04:13,451 --> 01:04:16,821
Man "A" wants to kill Man "B."
858
01:04:18,422 --> 01:04:19,790
What am I told?
859
01:04:20,024 --> 01:04:22,526
It's kind of a minimum
information problem, sir.
860
01:04:22,626 --> 01:04:24,895
The men are in a room, sir.
Say this room.
861
01:04:24,995 --> 01:04:26,831
Lots of people downstairs.
862
01:04:27,298 --> 01:04:30,601
And Man "A," the killer,
he plans to use a gun.
863
01:04:30,701 --> 01:04:31,902
Then the shot would be heard.
864
01:04:32,002 --> 01:04:33,237
Not with a silencer, sir.
865
01:04:33,337 --> 01:04:35,639
He also would have
to get rid of the gun.
866
01:04:47,918 --> 01:04:50,287
He would have to hide the gun.
867
01:04:50,955 --> 01:04:53,224
So the killer brings
an umbrella with him.
868
01:04:55,059 --> 01:04:56,494
May I see your umbrella, sir?
869
01:04:57,428 --> 01:04:59,930
An umbrella to conceal a gun?
870
01:05:01,298 --> 01:05:04,168
Audacious and foolhardy, I would say.
871
01:05:04,568 --> 01:05:08,072
But you may test your theory,
if you wish.
872
01:05:08,272 --> 01:05:11,308
Oh, I don't have a gun, sir.
Never carry one.
873
01:05:11,976 --> 01:05:13,844
The killer has a gun.
874
01:05:13,944 --> 01:05:15,780
With a silencer. So you said.
875
01:05:16,247 --> 01:05:19,650
You see, sir, the killer plans
to put the gun in the umbrella...
876
01:05:19,750 --> 01:05:22,386
and then hide the umbrella
in the fireplace...
877
01:05:22,486 --> 01:05:24,588
and take it away some other time.
878
01:05:25,256 --> 01:05:28,125
Ah! But then there would be
soot on the umbrella.
879
01:05:28,292 --> 01:05:31,595
You are absolutely right, sir.
There would be soot.
880
01:05:32,263 --> 01:05:34,799
Now, there is a second use
for the umbrella.
881
01:05:34,899 --> 01:05:36,634
You see these, sir.
882
01:05:37,301 --> 01:05:40,504
They're like loud firecrackers.
We call them squibs.
883
01:05:40,604 --> 01:05:45,276
Now the killer plans to fake some shots
because the victim is already dead.
884
01:05:45,376 --> 01:05:50,581
I suggest that the squibs would leave
bits of paper when they explode.
885
01:05:50,681 --> 01:05:52,116
Telltale evidence.
886
01:05:52,216 --> 01:05:53,684
That's why, sir,
887
01:05:53,784 --> 01:05:57,388
the killer plans to catch
the shreds in here.
888
01:05:58,289 --> 01:05:59,657
Most ingenious, Lieutenant.
889
01:05:59,757 --> 01:06:03,527
But wouldn't the squibs leave
burns, scorch marks?
890
01:06:03,627 --> 01:06:06,263
Now, this umbrella, for instance,
is quite unmarked.
891
01:06:06,363 --> 01:06:07,998
You are absolutely right, sir. But...
892
01:06:08,098 --> 01:06:11,001
suppose this were
the killer's other umbrella.
893
01:06:11,569 --> 01:06:13,604
Oh, I forgot to tell you, sir.
894
01:06:13,838 --> 01:06:17,875
Last night when I was at your house,
I took the wrong umbrella.
895
01:06:19,376 --> 01:06:22,346
Excuse me, sir. Just one moment.
896
01:06:27,818 --> 01:06:30,654
I took yours. It was
an honest mistake, sir.
897
01:06:30,754 --> 01:06:33,123
And we're not allowed
to get evidence that way.
898
01:06:33,257 --> 01:06:35,493
But as long as I had it,
899
01:06:36,393 --> 01:06:39,897
the lab found burns from the squibs.
900
01:06:40,097 --> 01:06:41,665
And lots of soot, sir.
901
01:06:41,799 --> 01:06:45,002
I see.
Now, tell me this, Lieutenant.
902
01:06:45,102 --> 01:06:46,737
How were the squibs detonated?
903
01:06:46,837 --> 01:06:50,040
The killer is
a very intelligent man, sir.
904
01:06:50,774 --> 01:06:55,412
Watch. I put the squibs
in the umbrella and the gun.
905
01:06:57,848 --> 01:07:00,651
We'll pretend that this is the gun.
906
01:07:01,819 --> 01:07:03,521
Now, the killer...
907
01:07:04,955 --> 01:07:08,893
wedges the umbrella up the chimney.
908
01:07:08,993 --> 01:07:10,828
You can't be serious.
909
01:07:10,928 --> 01:07:14,198
Oh, I am, sir. I am.
Absolutely serious.
910
01:07:16,100 --> 01:07:20,304
Now, we'll just pretend
that this umbrella is up the chimney.
911
01:07:24,008 --> 01:07:26,110
Now, these wires, sir.
912
01:07:26,710 --> 01:07:32,349
They're attached to a battery
and the same kind of squibs.
913
01:07:32,616 --> 01:07:35,085
Now, we'll just put these
in the umbrella.
914
01:07:37,521 --> 01:07:41,759
And we'll run this wire, sir,
right over here to the Victrola.
915
01:07:45,229 --> 01:07:47,197
We push the play button.
916
01:07:49,500 --> 01:07:52,937
And we attach the wires here...
917
01:07:54,438 --> 01:07:57,575
and here, where I showed you
those scratches.
918
01:07:57,675 --> 01:07:58,976
Preposterous nonsense.
919
01:07:59,076 --> 01:08:01,512
Now the killer knows
when the record will end.
920
01:08:01,612 --> 01:08:03,314
Yes, yes, you've
demonstrated all that.
921
01:08:03,414 --> 01:08:07,084
And when the arm comes over
it will make contact.
922
01:08:07,184 --> 01:08:13,190
First here exploding one squib
and then here exploding the second.
923
01:08:13,290 --> 01:08:15,326
But the body fell between the two shots.
924
01:08:15,426 --> 01:08:19,697
Yes, sir. That's where the killer
has to take a very big chance.
925
01:08:22,700 --> 01:08:25,703
The dictionary has a line here,
dividing it in half.
926
01:08:25,803 --> 01:08:28,372
So it can be balanced on the edge.
927
01:08:28,472 --> 01:08:30,407
You see, sir? Like this.
928
01:08:31,375 --> 01:08:32,843
Clever but too unpredictable.
929
01:08:32,943 --> 01:08:34,511
Important for the illusion, sir.
930
01:08:34,612 --> 01:08:35,746
The sound of the body falling.
931
01:08:35,846 --> 01:08:37,915
- You've got it.
- But impossible to time.
932
01:08:38,015 --> 01:08:39,783
But this killer is very smart, sir.
933
01:08:39,883 --> 01:08:41,685
Can he make the book fall
between the two shots?
934
01:08:41,785 --> 01:08:42,553
Oh, yes, sir.
935
01:08:42,653 --> 01:08:44,455
- How? Triggered by what?
- I'll show you.
936
01:08:44,555 --> 01:08:46,123
He would have to be a genius.
937
01:08:46,223 --> 01:08:47,825
I think so too, sir.
938
01:08:47,925 --> 01:08:50,761
Now I don't mean to imply that I thought
of this all by myself.
939
01:08:50,861 --> 01:08:54,498
I mean, some of the smartest people
in the world are right here in this club,
940
01:08:54,598 --> 01:08:56,900
and they helped me, sir.
They helped me a lot.
941
01:08:57,001 --> 01:08:58,802
They're dunces, the lot of them.
942
01:08:58,902 --> 01:09:02,072
Mr. Danziger, the president of the club,
you wouldn't call him a dunce.
943
01:09:02,172 --> 01:09:03,607
Oh, wouldn't I?
944
01:09:03,707 --> 01:09:06,744
Well, it was his idea.
The book, the vibrations...
945
01:09:06,844 --> 01:09:09,613
Vibrations?
What are you talking about?
946
01:09:09,713 --> 01:09:14,218
The first squib, sir.
He really made it sound very simple.
947
01:09:14,318 --> 01:09:17,388
When the squib goes off,
it produces vibrations.
948
01:09:17,488 --> 01:09:21,458
And that knocks the book down.
That Danziger is a genius!
949
01:09:21,558 --> 01:09:23,827
Vibrations? That nitwit.
950
01:09:23,927 --> 01:09:27,598
The man who conceived all this,
you've made him out to be a bungling ass!
951
01:09:27,698 --> 01:09:31,301
No! This is what
he would've done. This.
952
01:09:37,975 --> 01:09:39,109
There!
953
01:09:42,212 --> 01:09:42,980
There!
954
01:09:56,727 --> 01:09:58,062
Oh, my.
955
01:10:01,465 --> 01:10:02,866
Oh, my.
956
01:10:11,208 --> 01:10:12,843
Lieutenant Columbo.
957
01:10:14,044 --> 01:10:16,280
Oh, yes, Mrs. Brandt.
He's right here.
958
01:10:21,385 --> 01:10:22,586
For you, sir.
959
01:10:26,924 --> 01:10:27,658
Yes?
960
01:10:28,258 --> 01:10:30,928
I'm so sorry, darling.
961
01:10:31,628 --> 01:10:35,766
Please come home. Come to bed.
962
01:10:37,768 --> 01:10:39,002
I need you.
963
01:10:39,937 --> 01:10:44,007
Alas, my dear,
I shall not be needing you...
964
01:10:46,143 --> 01:10:47,277
anymore.
965
01:10:50,047 --> 01:10:51,882
Was it the record player?
966
01:10:52,983 --> 01:10:56,386
Yes, sir.
First it was the record player.
967
01:10:57,254 --> 01:10:59,923
Why would anybody
start it in the middle?
968
01:11:03,527 --> 01:11:05,562
I should have changed the cuing.
969
01:11:06,163 --> 01:11:08,432
Extraordinary. That bothered you?
970
01:11:11,502 --> 01:11:13,337
Will you be taking me in?
971
01:11:13,837 --> 01:11:15,939
No, sir. Someone will be along.
972
01:11:16,473 --> 01:11:19,076
Lieutenant,
what did you say your IQ was?
973
01:11:19,409 --> 01:11:20,811
I really don't know, sir.
974
01:11:21,145 --> 01:11:24,047
It must be very high.
My own is...
975
01:11:26,216 --> 01:11:27,785
We have a test here.
976
01:11:30,821 --> 01:11:31,622
Oh, here.
977
01:11:31,722 --> 01:11:34,091
I'm really not very good
at that sort of thing, sir.
978
01:11:34,191 --> 01:11:37,094
You'll be surprised at yourself.
979
01:11:38,695 --> 01:11:40,063
Remarkable.
980
01:11:41,799 --> 01:11:45,068
We can go directly to
the more difficult questions.
981
01:11:45,302 --> 01:11:46,603
Ah, yes, here we are.
982
01:11:47,037 --> 01:11:49,907
Lieutenant, I'm going
to give you four words.
983
01:11:50,007 --> 01:11:52,176
And you tell me
which one does not belong.
984
01:11:52,276 --> 01:11:56,613
Asphalt, uncle, delight, leave.
985
01:11:57,147 --> 01:11:59,249
Which word doesn't belong?
986
01:11:59,683 --> 01:12:03,821
Asphalt, uncle, delight, leave.
987
01:12:04,054 --> 01:12:10,160
Well, let me see.
We got Uncle Sam. Dutch uncle.
988
01:12:14,431 --> 01:12:15,833
Asphalt's the word, sir.
989
01:12:15,933 --> 01:12:18,802
Because you can have
Turkish delight,
990
01:12:18,902 --> 01:12:22,306
French leave and Dutch uncle.
All nationalities.
991
01:12:23,207 --> 01:12:26,910
Lieutenant, have you ever considered
a different line of work?
992
01:12:27,010 --> 01:12:29,613
Me, sir? No.
993
01:12:30,314 --> 01:12:34,651
Never. I couldn't do that.