Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
[ Typewriter Clacking ]
[ Clacking Continues ]
Who is it?
Oh, you're not intimidated, huh?
Oh, come on, Ken.
You're forgetting that I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team.
You, uh, don't have gloves on, your finger's not on the trigger,
and there are no bullets in the cylinder.
You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.
What are you doing here with that thing, anyway?
I was on my way down to the cabin. I thought maybe I could use it for protection.
Also came by to apologize.
- For what? - For blowing my cork the other day. I got out of line.
Forget it. You know, that happens.
Nah. Shouldn't happen. Not between you and me.
So, believe it or not, sir,
this is a peace pipe.
Bottoms up, Jim.
In the middle of the morning?
Oh, come on. Relax. It's Saturday.
And in the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night.
Oh! A toast.
Dear sir,
I give you...
our divorce.
Well, it's not really a divorce.
Oh, sure it is. Come on. Let's be honest.
I mean, it's-- There's no alimony, but, uh, it is a termination.
Ah, yes. And our dear little children.
All 1 5 of them.
Fifty million copies.
And to the lady who made it all possible, the greatest sleuth in the world,
Mrs. Melville,
whom we brought to life and now we're about to bury.
Come on, Ken.
You're making me feel guilty. All I want to do is write on my own.
You're right. I am being selfish.
Okay, my boy. My blessings on your solo flight.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
After all, friendship is more important than partnership. Right?
Here's to our friendship.
Right.
And now, sir,
I'm gonna kidnap you.
What? The aforementioned cabin...
which has been finished for over six months now--
You haven't seen it. You're gonna be my first male guest.
Oh, I can't, Ken. Not now. Well, why can't you?
It's all the way down in San Diego. Oh, it's a couple of hours' drive.
I'll have you home before midnight.
Yeah, well, I promised Joanna I'd take her to dinner and a show.
Aw, that's easy. You pick up that phone, you say, ""Honey, I'm gonna be working late at the office tonight.'' Come on.
Soon as we get down there, we uncork another bottle, and then we go fishing.
Well, I-- You know what your trouble, old buddy is--
I mean, you're afraid to unwind even for a day. Oh, no, I'm not.
Well, then, prove it. Come on. If you want some justification,
you're doing it as a favor for me.
At least give me a chance to bury the hatchet with some style, huh?
You just don't drop your partner, then turn down his invitation all in one week, now do you?
Actually, the timing isn't bad. I was just finishing the final chapter.
Ah, Mrs. Melville's last case.
You know, we ought to send that broad some flowers.
Listen, I made a list of things I'd like to take from the office.
You want to take a look at it?
I don't get it. It's a list of names. Oh, I'm losing my mind.
It's the wrong one. I must have left the other one at the house.
Uh-- Oh, I am losing my mind.
What's the matter? I left my lighter in the office.
Do you need it? That's my security blanket.
I'll only be a minute.
?? [ Whistling ]
And to think I had to talk you into this trip.
Ah, Jim, smell that air. How far is the cabin?
Ah, it's not far. About an hour.
We have to skirt San Diego.
I'll only be a minute. I just have to get some supplies.
Do you want to hand me that book in that glove compartment?
Hey, it's one of ours. [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
The boss lady here's a big fan of ours.
I've been promising this for months. [ Chuckles ] The price of fame.
You want me to come with you? No, no. I'll only be a minute.
Miss La Sanka!
Anybody home? In a minute.!
Mr. Franklin!
Oh, my planets must be in the right house!
[ Chuckles ] Not only that, but they're working overtime.
I have a surprise for you. Pour moi?
Pour moi. Prescription: Murder.
""A Mrs. Melville thriller...
by James Ferris and Ken Franklin.''
Oh, uh, take a look at the first page.
You signed it? You dear man.
Well, Mr. Franklin!
I'd rather have the storyteller than the story.
Well, I'll tell you what.
If you play your cards right and give me my grocery list, someday you may have both.
Empty promises. Miss La Sanka!
What do you need? just a few things for overnight, thanks.
Who is it this week? The blonde or the redhead? Uh, Miss La Sanka,
I'm all alone this weekend.
Except for, uh, some contemplation, some fishing and a refreshment of my spirit.
Could you break this for me? I need some change for the phone. Thanks very much.
[ Cash Register Dings ]
That'll do fine. Thank you.
Operator, I'd like to place a station-to-station call to Los Angeles.
The area code is 21 3.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello. Joanna, it's Ken.
Well, Ken! I thought you weren't talking to us.
Oh, that's all patched up.
As a matter of fact, I left Jim at the office a few hours ago.
- We signed the armistice. - Oh, well, that's a relief.
Look, Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him.
I'm sure he'd like to surprise you himself.
Uh, why don't you join us for dinner? We'll celebrate.
I'd really love to, but I'm--
I'm spending the weekend down here in San Diego at the cabin.
As a matter of fact, that's where I'm calling from.
All right. Then we'll do it another time. Absolutely.
Uh, Joanna, I thought maybe if you,
for some reason, needed to get in touch with me, you do know the number at the cabin.
Right. I'll see you in a few days.
Fine.
Good-bye.
Did you ever get a feeling of déjà vu?
What?
Like you've, uh, done something before, but you know you haven't.
Why? What do you mean?
I'm getting it right now. It's strange.
You know I've never been here before.
Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?
Ken, it's fantastic. The house that Mrs. Melville built.
Wait till you see the inside.
[ Sighs ] It's no wonder.
""No wonder'' what?
What woman could resist this setting?
Not very many. I promise you that.
How about a drink, Jim? More alcohol? No, thanks.
It'll corrupt me. [ Chuckles ]
You're thinking about Joanna, aren't you?
Well, yeah. You know,
just taking off like that.
She still expects me for dinner. We can fix that. We'll put plan ""A'' into effect.
Pick up the phone and call her.
What am I gonna tell her? The man is too square for words.
Now, look. You simply say that you're working at the office.
You're calling from the office. She knows you have a deadline to meet with the book. You're working late.
How many times have you had to do that? A couple hundred, I guess.
Exactly. That's why she'll believe you.
Yeah, well, I-- I just hate lying to her. You know.
You're not lying to her. You're saving her a little anguish.
Now, will you pick up the phone and call her so we can start enjoying ourselves?
Okay.
- Oh, Operator, I'd like to make a collect-- - Hold it.
It's a cinch you have never cheated on Joanna before.
If you want your wife to believe you're calling from the office,
you don't have the operator place the call--you dial it direct.
The area code is 21 3.
Hi, honey.
How are ya?
Well, that's what I'm calling about.
Um, I'm at the office, and...
I'm pretty well into this last chapter.
I'd like to work straight through. Yeah, I know.
I-- I know.
This'll be the last time. That I can--
[ Shot Fires ] jimmy?
jimmy!
Operator, get me the police.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello. Joanna?
What?
Joanna--
Will you take it easy? Now, say it again once more.
Are you sure?
Did you call the police?
Yes, yes, of course. I'll leave right away.
Uh, Joanna, please.
Take it easy.
And don't worry.
I'm sure it's nothing but a practical joke.
Good-bye.
No, I know it's insane.
And I-I-I just-- I keep thinking of the clichés and-and--
Jim and Ken wrote this scene...
in their books a hundred times.
Look at it this way, Mrs. Ferris. Maybe he isn't dead.
Now, there's no body, no blood--
No! He was shot! I-I know it!
I-I-I heard-- I heard it on the phone.
Are you sure it was a gunshot? This place was searched.
- Papers on the floor. Have you any idea why? - No, I have no idea why.
Did you notice anything special missing?
No, no, no. Are you sure it was his voice?
[Joanna ] Yes, I know it was his voice, and maybe somebody--
[ Man ] Was he under any kind of extra pressure?
[Joanna ] No. Maybe somebody was--
- Did he say where he was calling from? - Yes.
He said he was calling from the office. He said-- He said...
"I'm calling from the office. '"
I really don't care if anything was missing.
I just really want to find out what happened to my husband.
We'll do our best. You sure it was his voice?
I know it was his voice. Are you sure it was a gunshot?
Yes, that's right. [ Man ] Would you like to sit down and get a glass of water?
Yes, I would like-- Really, please.
'Cause I really feel stupid,
and I just really want to clear my head. Get the water.
Okay.
[ Columbo ] I think that's out of order, ma'am.
Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings. The fountains never work.
Then you have to use the coffee machine.
And then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy.
Who are you? Uh, I'm just another cop.
My name's Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.
Were you in there-- I got the proof right here.
You didn't see me in there because I left before you got in there.
And you know why? Because it's so smoky in there and so noisy in there...
that I just had to come outside and get a breath.
Oh, I think I'd better get back. Now, look. Wait a minute.
Let me tell you something. You look very tired to me,
and I think you had a terrible experience in there.
And I think I ought to drive you home. Let's call it a night.
Well, don't you think they want to ask me questions?
Oh, I don't think they'll mind. I think you've answered enough questions,
and I'll call them and I'll tell them you're with me.
Okay? Well, what about Ken?
Why isn't Ken here?
I don't know why he isn't here.
Is that Mr. Franklin, the other half of the writing team?
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, the other half of the team.
You know, that's what I like about these buttons.
You don't have to push 'em. They go off with the heat of your hand.
I bet you haven't had anything to eat.
You're a very nice man, Lieutenant, but I'm not really hungry.
I'll tell you, Mrs. Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world.
But there's one thing I do terrific, and that's an omelet.
Even my wife admits it. Uh, I need something for the eggshells.
- Over there in that cabinet. - Right.
I'm really not hungry. Listen.
You take a taste. You don't like it,
you throw it away.
I'll tell you what the secret is to a good omelet.
- No eggs. Just milk. - [ Stifled Chuckle ]
- Uh, skillet. - Over there.
You're a very persuasive man, Lieutenant.
Maybe I should hold up my end and make the coffee.
I need cheese and onions and, uh, butter.
Cheese-- Uh, I need something to grate the cheese.
Over there in the cupboard.
Right.
What did they do with him, Lieutenant?
I don't know, ma'am.
Well, there was no body in the office. Couldn't that mean that he isn't dead?
Well, that's hard to say. Uh, it's bothering me too.
I tell ya, the whole thing doesn't make sense unless it's a kidnapping.
Well, you don't shoot a victim first, do you?
Why'd you laugh before? When?
When I asked you if Mr. Franklin was the other half of the writing team.
Did I laugh? Yep.
Maybe it was the way you put it.
""Writing team.''
Maybe I shouldn't say it,
but Ken hasn't written a word of a Mrs. Melville novel in years.
Mrs. Melville? Who's Mrs. Melville?
The character that Jim and Ken created.
The one who solves all the crimes brilliantly.
Well, uh, why did your husband put up with it?
What I mean is, uh, him doing all the work.
Well, there were compensations.
Ken did the publicity, went on all the talk shows,
and he did interviews and cultivated the film people.
He contributed.
He just didn't do any of the writing.
Boy, I'll tell ya, I'd love to be a writer.
That's a terrific talent.
Where did he get all the ideas?
Oh, from almost anything.
People. Magazines.
Conversations.
I'm constantly finding scraps of paper and old matchbook covers...
just all over the house with notes and ideas.
And those were mysteries, too, weren't they, huh?
Mm-hmm. They're tricky. I'll tell you that.
I could never figure those things out.
Well, it got harder.
Maybe that's why he decided to go out on his own.
Oh, really? I didn't know that. I guess he wanted to do some serious work.
No kidding?
How did Mr. Franklin take that?
Not very well.
But he'll get over it.
Gee, I'd hate to be in his shoes. Why?
Well, you got a writing team, and they're very famous, and now they break up, and what happens?
One fella continues writing books, and the other fella just stops.
Yeah. That's what I keep telling Jim--
that sooner or later, people are bound to find out.
What, that your husband did all the writing? Mmm.
Yeah.
Kind of tough on Mr. Franklin's ego.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Oh, Ken! jo.
I know, I know. just take it easy.
I drove up here as fast as I could.
Is there anything new? No, not yet.
Jo, it's incredible.
I just saw him this morning at the office.
Oh, I'm sorry, Ken. Uh,
Lieutenant Columbo, Mr. Franklin.
How you doin'? No, the question is, how you doing, Lieutenant?
Well, I'm afraid we just got started.
Has Jim been found yet?
Has he been found yet? Uh--
Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?
Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego.
You must know that this story is on every news station.
Oh, right. Yeah. Gee, I should have thought of that.
Well, has he been found? Gee, I'm afraid not.
No. Were you visiting friends in San Diego?
He has a place there-- a cabin. Oh, away for the weekend. Gee, that's nice.
Mmm. Could we get back to my question?
Have you come up with any leads, any clues?
Uh, it's a little early for that. Early?
Seems to me your men are standing around just marking time.
Could I have a drink, love?
I could use one myself. Thanks.
I'll tell you something, Lieutenant.
See, if Mrs. Melville were on this case,
oh, she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you by now.
Is that the lady in the books? That's right.
You see, she would have figured out that this is not just someone missing.
This is a professional killing.
Aha. Here it is.
Take a look at that. Uh, put it on the desk.
just drop it. 'Cause of the fingerprints, you know.
Jim's fingerprints are all over that. So are mine.
What is it? What's it look like? It's a list of names.
Look at that. Mustel, Delgado, Hathaway, Westlake--
Sound familiar? Uh, yeah, kinda.
Well, they should. That's a list of some of the top men in organized crime on the West Coast--
L.A., Vegas, Frisco-- I don't understand.
Well, it's painfully obvious.
One of these men had Jim killed.
Really? Why?
Tell me something. How long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant?
Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that. [ Snaps Fingers ]
Look, I-- I'm willing to take all the help I can get.
All right. Let me see if I can explain it to you.
See, my partner and I decided to split, go our separate ways.
I'm sure Joanna must have mentioned that to you.
Yeah, she said something about that.
Did she also mention the fact that Jim wanted to do some serious writing?
Hey. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Wait a minute. Yeah! Dawning on you now? I knew you'd get it.
But that's only the tip of the iceberg.
You see, Jim was researching a complete and factual exposé...
of all West Coast organized crime.
I mean, he was going around asking some pretty embarrassing questions.
Probing. Compiling dossiers.
That's why they searched this office.
Apparently, they got everything but that list.
And you think one of these fellas put out a contract on him.
Of course. Word must have gotten around that Jim was compiling all this information.
They knew they couldn't buy him off, so what do they do?
They chose the usual alternative.
Professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?
Well, who knows? But remember one thing-- Without a corpus delicti,
you can't prove a murder was committed in the first place.
But why would a professional killer care?
I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came.
Lieutenant, I can't answer all your questions. I've given you a list of the most likely suspects.
A clear motive. Isn't that enough to start with?
Oh, that's plenty. And believe me, I'm very grateful for all the help you've given me.
Gee, that's funny. What?
Well, this thing is folded lengthwise, like someone was carrying it in their pocket.
So?
Well, if he typed that on that typewriter--
and I'll run a check on that--
why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?
[ Chuckling ] I'm beginning to like you.
Why is that? Because you're finally beginning to think like Mrs. Melville.
Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper,
and he'd use it as a bookmark, you know. Ah.
Now, however interesting your observation is,
it only leads us far astray.
However, since you are beginning to learn how to emulate our dear lady,
I'm gonna give you something that you richly deserve--
a chance to read some of our books.
Well, that's very nice of you. Didn't expect gifts tonight, huh?
Thank you. Maybe I can pick up a few pointers.
Oh, I'm sure you can.
Uh, could you handle some more? Oh, all right.
Here you go. Oh, and an extra. Oh, that's very nice.
That ought to keep you busy for a while, huh? Yeah, it sure will.
Well, anything else, Lieutenant? Uh, no, I don't think so.
I think I'd better let you get some sleep. Oh, that's very nice of you.
I just only hope I was of some help. Oh, you certainly were.
Well, good night, Lieutenant. Good night, sir. Good night.
Oh, Mr. Franklin. Uh--
Actually, uh, there is one thing,
not that it makes that much difference.
What is it?
When Mrs. Ferris called you and told you her husband got shot,
you jumped in a car and drove right back to L.A.
Is that right? That's right.
You know, me, I'd have taken a plane.
I mean, it's a big airport, and they run every half hour. It'd been a lot faster.
Well, I-- That's true, but in a situation like that, who thinks clearly?
And look at it this way. You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport,
how much time do you really save?
Hmm.
Operator, would you get me the police, please?
Thank you.
Lt. Columbo, please.
Yes, thank you. I'll wait.
Columbo, this is Franklin.
I think you better get over here right away.
937 Skyview Drive.
It's an emergency.
[ Woman On Police Radio: Indistinct ]
[ Woman on Radio ] 1-L 1 0. MPs have been notified.
Do you still request a radio unit?
[ Man On Radio ] All units in the vicinity,
a prowler, 1 2F3-- [ Fades ]
When I got home, there he--
there it was, right in the middle of the lawn.
Terrible thing to come home to.
The funny thing is, I--
I kept hoping or I-- I was sure that Jim was still alive.
Poor Joanna.
Every time I think of feeling sorry for myself,
I think of how much she had to lose.
Look at 'em!
Vultures!
Lieutenant, you mind if I go inside? I...
can't stand to watch them... gape.
Listen. You mind if I come with you?
Because there's no lining in this coat, and I'm a bit chilly.
I don't mind.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Hello.
Yes, this is Mr. Franklin.
What? No comment.
Aw, you've gotta be kidding. You want an interview now?
A gentleman of the press. Afraid you're gonna get a lot of that.
I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I'm forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?
Yeah. Mmm. Maybe a drop of bourbon.
Bourbon.
Boy, this is quite a place.
This a copy?
Hardly. It's an original.
Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff on museums.
You own this?
Mrs. Melville has been very kind.
Boy. Quite a place.
Gee whiz. And you got that other place in San Diego.
Gee, the upkeep alone must be--
I manage to scrape by. Your drink.
Thank you. You know, there's one thing about writers that I don't understand.
Maybe you can help me clear it up.
If a fella's partner dies,
uh, does he own the other fella's half of the books, half of the, uh, um--
Royalties? Yeah.
No. They go into the deceased's estate.
Mmm. That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it?
Unless, of course, you insured each other.
Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?
You're right. We shouldn't be talking about this now.
It's not the time.
Uh-- Uh--
So, Mr. Franklin, tell me, uh,
why do you think that they left your partner's body out there on the lawn like that?
Do you mean to tell me you haven't figured that out?
Lieutenant, you disappoint me.
It was left as a warning. A warning?
Of course.
It also proves my theory about it being a professional killing.
See, the moment they dropped Jim's body in the middle of that lawn--
Please, sit down.
You know what they were saying?
That this could happen to you...
unless you stop in your partner's research.
- They're trying to scare you. - Exactly.
Right.
So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna continue writing the book anyway?
No, that's the irony of it. You see, that was Jim's pet project, not mine.
[ Chuckles ] I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Say, I guess they didn't have any way of knowing you two were gonna split up.
Nah. Even if they did, it wouldn't have done Jim any good.
I must say, Lieutenant, you're up against a dead end.
Look at this. You got a body,
you got a motive,
but you're never gonna find that killer.
It's not gonna be easy.
I'll lay you 5 to 1 it was someone in Las Vegas or Miami.
Picked up a phone and-- pfft!-- put out a contract. Right. Right.
How you're gonna make a case, much less solve one, is beyond me.
I know. I guess the only thing I can do is...just check out every name on that list.
Sure. You know what's gonna happen? Every one of those guys is gonna deny that Jim even existed.
Right.
I must say I don't envy you. I don't envy myself.
Now, look. I got a lot of phone calls to make. I'd better get on it, huh?
All the luck. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Mr. Franklin.
And listen. I'm very sorry about what happened tonight.
Thank you. Right.
You, uh--
You will keep me posted, Lieutenant? Oh, yes, I will. Yeah.
You know, there's only one thing that I'm not clear about.
But that can wait. You want to go to bed.
Lieutenant, I'm not gonna get any sleep anyway. What is it?
Would you go over for me once again-- I know you did it--
exactly what happened when you came home tonight?
Sure. I-- I've already told you, but...
[ Sighs ] the moment I saw Jim's body in the middle of the lawn,
I came running in here and I picked up the phone and I called you.
I mean, it's a purely reflexive action.
Uh-huh. Right. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. That's fine. Now, wait a minute. You look like you're troubled.
Is there some reason for your question?
Uh, it's your mail.
My mail? Isn't it funny how people are different?
Now, me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters.
But I-I-- I just did it to distract myself.
I mean, you got to remember one thing, that's a great shock.
Yeah. Oh, that's understandable.
And bills are distracting. Listen, if anything comes up,
I'll call you right away.
Good night. Good night.
I'm gonna have a hot dog. I guess I will too.
No, no, Mr. Tucker. You put that away.
This one's on me.
May I have a receipt, please?
All right, Lieutenant. You're bribing me with a handsome lunch.
What can I do for you? Uh, this is about an insurance policy.
Oh, excellent. It's about time you came to me.
I can give you a package within your-- Yeah, this is, uh,
an insurance policy that was already written.
Oh, this is official business. Uh, yeah. Uh, there are two mystery writers--
Ken Franklin and James Ferris.
Your company wrote a policy on them? Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant.
We like to cooperate with the police, but...
if you want confidential information, I'm afraid that you-- Oh, well, look, uh,
I don't want to cause you any trouble.
Maybe it'll be more helpful if I got a court order?
[ Chattering ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
Oh, Ken, it was simply marvelous. I was terrified.
Oh, really? I had the whole thing figured out by the end of the first act.
Oh, you did? I was completely fooled.
You must have a devious mind. No, dear, it's because you're young.
Always remember one thing, my love.
The moment a man mentions a long-lost twin,
you can inevitably know that it's going to be some impersonation.
It's an old plot trick.
Mr. Franklin! Yoo-hoo!
- Over here! - Who's that?
Someone that should be somewhere else.
[ Man ] No, we go this way. Excuse me a moment.
Miss La Sanka, what a pleasant surprise. Hi. [ Giggling ]
What brings you to the big city? Oh, I came in to do a little shopping.
You-- You like my dress? Oh, it's lovely.
See a play. [ Laughs ]
She's a beauty, Mr. Franklin.
Yes, she is. Uh, thank you.
I haven't seen her before have I?
No, I don't believe you have.
Well, it's-- it's lovely to see you. I, uh,
hope you won't think I'm being forward, [ Chuckles ]
but is there any chance of, uh, our having a drink together?
Oh, I'd-- I'd love to, really. But, uh--
See, the young lady and I are going to have a late supper.
I think you might want to cancel it.
-Just why would I want to do that? - Because...
we really should have a discussion. [ Chuckles ]
Perhaps some other time. All right. I--
I suppose I'll have to find someone else to tell my story to. [ Chuckles ]
It's a mystery story.
Very interesting. Really.
It's all about this witness. [ Chuckles ]
just wait here. I'll be right back.
Anything you say, Mr. Franklin.
??[ Piano ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh, wow!
Oh, I just can't resist strawberries.
Oh, I'm glad you like them.
[ Giggling ]
[ Giggling Continues ] You're--
You're making me nervous.
That's quite a stare. I'm sorry. I-I can't help it.
You know, I've never seen you outside that store before.
You're very lovely.
May I call you Lili? Yes, please do. [ Giggles ]
How did you enjoy the play tonight? Oh, I thought it was predictable. You?
Oh, I like your books much more. That's very flattering.
But you said something before about, uh,
about your story or something about a-- a witness.
Oh, yes. Well, actually,
it's a, uh, true-to-life story.
Oh, the best kind. [ Giggles ]
It concerns your partner. Jim?
Uh-huh. What about him?
Well, I read in the papers about his death,
and I felt just terrible. Thank you.
I felt just terrible, because they said he was killed in his office.
So they did. Well,
in my story, you see,
he couldn't have actually been killed in an office,
because he was, uh,
somewhere else.
just for a moment, let's forget about your story,
and let's, uh-- let's talk about real life.
[ Chuckles ] It is simpler, isn't it? Much.
I'll tell you honestly, Ken.
I was very confused when I saw the papers, because,
when you were in my store making a phone call the other day, Uh-huh.
I wandered over to the side window to see...
if you had brought a lady with you. [ Giggles ]
You didn't believe me when I said that I was alone. Oh, I believed you. It's just that...
I'm very interested in you, Ken.
[ Giggles ] Well, anyway,
you can imagine my surprise when I saw your partner.
There he was, big as life,
sitting there in the front seat of your car.
And that disturbed you, huh? Oh, not at that time.
Only later.
And then I debated with myself for days...
whether to come and see you or not.
Why didn't you go to the police? Oh, Ken.
I wouldn't want to get you into trouble. [ Giggling ]
Of course not. [ Snorting Chuckle ] All right, Lili. How much?
[ Laughs ] I hope you don't think that that's the on--
Oh, no, no, no. I don't think anything.
I'll tell you something. I'm most grateful you came to me first.
Know why? Because I think we can reach an equitable agreement.
I do so admire your candor.
This isn't easy for me-- a widow running a...
small country store, trying to make ends meet. Oh, I can understand that.
And I also recognize in you a woman of-- of some breeding.
I mean, you're not just a common... blackmailer.
I'm so glad you're understanding.
Very well, Lili.
How much for your silence?
$1 5,000? I-- [ Plate Clattering ]
Oh! I-I know it's a lot, but that's all I'll ever ask for. Honestly.
- And I'm a woman of my word! - I know you are, and I respect you for that.
And you know what?
In that spirit, I accept your terms. Agreed?
[ Relieved Chuckle ] Agreed.
[ Chuckles ] And I know you won't take offense when I say,
""It's a pleasure doing business with you.''
No, no. My pleasure. [ Chuckles ]
[ Both Chuckling ]
- [ Chuckling Continues ] - [ Doorbell Chiming ]
Yes? Is Mr. Franklin home?
He's occupied at the moment. Who shall I say is calling?
Uh, Lt. Columbo. Oh. Well, won't you come in and wait?
Thank you. He'll be with you shortly.
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ] [ Man ] Only a few more.
Thanks muchly, Mr. Franklin. I think we're about finished,
if you can bear one or two more photographs. Fire away.
After all, your magazine was very kind to Franklin and Ferris during our lean years.
That's, uh, the second reason I granted the interview. Oh? What was the first?
- Why, the charm of the interviewer, of course. - Thank you.
- [ Thump ] - [ Shutter Clicks ]
Yes, Lieutenant. Is there something I can do for you?
Oh, yeah. If-If you-- If you have a moment.
That's about all I do have.
As soon as I finish here, I'll be right with you.
Is there anything else, Miss, uh-- May I call you Gloria? Please do.
Uh, just one last question.
I think our readers will want to know how the death of your partner will affect the Mrs. Melville books.
I'm afraid when I buried Jim I buried Mrs. Melville with him.
Mmm, I understand.
But everyone will miss her so. Can't you write another one?
Oh, I could, naturally, but what's the point?
With Jim gone, there... [ Smacks Lips ] wouldn't be much reason.
No, I'm afraid, uh, Mrs. Melville has solved her last case.
Actually, I've been... seriously debating as to whether I would ever want to write again.
Oh, well, I hope you do. Thank you. That's very kind of you.
Now, if you don't mind, huh? Of course. Let's go Harvey.
Perhaps, under better circumstances, I, uh--
less harassed circumstances-- I could give you a more detailed interview.
- Even in more depth. - Mmm, that'll be nice.
Shall I call you? Yes. Please do. Next week, huh?
Good-bye.
Oh, sorry, Harvey. Thanks, very much. Thank you.
All right, Lieutenant. What can I do for you?
Well, I brought back your books.
Well, that's fine. just put 'em over there on the table.
Yeah. Uh, sure. I wanted to tell ya how much I enjoyed 'em.
I think they're the most terrific-- Boy, I wanna--
And-- Oh, listen, I'll come back. I'll make two trips on this.
But the-- the lady detective-- What a character, what a brain.
And what logic.! The way she figures it out.! Lieutenant.
I'd love to sit down and discuss literature with you, but I was on my way out.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to bother ya. Uh, you goin' someplace special?
Yes, as a matter of fact. I'm on my way down to my cabin for a rest.
- Would you like an itinerary? - Hey, I'm sorry.
- I'm makin' a pest of myself. - No.
Yes, yes, I am. I know, it's because I keep askin' these questions.
But I'll tell ya. I can't help myself.
It's a habit. I take it you're not goin' alone.
- Whatever gave that idea? - I noticed the two bottles of champagne.
Oh, those. Oh, I'm quite capable of drinking those two bottles...
and a good deal more without any help.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant.
Yeah. Uh, listen. Unless you just wanna take a second...
to know how we're progressin' on your partner's list.
Oh? Anything concrete?
No, not a thing. just like you predicted.
Everyone said they never even heard of James Ferris.
[ Smacks Lips ] That's just as I expected.
Well, it was lovely to chat with you, Lieutenant.
Oh, Mr. Franklin? Do you have a minute? Yeah.
Is it important? Well, it could be. You see, I was checking the, uh,
the phone company records in San Diego.
Now, why would you want to do that, Lieutenant?
Oh, well, I have to do that. You know, that's part of my job. I got to tie up all those loose ends.
Anyway, on the day of the murder...
there was a record of a call from the cabin.
It was a call to the Ferris house in Los Angeles.
I see. And now you're wondering whether I can explain that. Is that right?
Oh, I'm sure you can. Oh, you're right. I can.
But, you see, you would've saved both you and me a great deal of trouble...
if you'd checked with Joanna Ferris first.
She would've explained to you that I'd spoken with her from my cabin,
telling her that Jim and I had patched up our differences.
Oh, what do you mean by ""differences''? Uh--
Well, you see, ironing out any difficulties in a separation is never easy.
And I knew Joanna would be concerned, and I wanted to put her mind at ease.
Oh, I see. Can you understand that?
Oh, yes. Yeah, that's understandable. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, fine. Is that all?
Yes, that's all. Right. Good.
[ Snickers ] Listen, uh, enjoy your trip.
Thanks very much.
And drive carefully. [ Engine Starts ]
Don't worry, Lieutenant. You can count on it.
And... here you are! [ Laughs ]
Bearing gifts.
And more gifts. Why, Mr. Franklin, how lovely. [ Chuckles ]
Ken. Yes, of course. Ken.
Now, Lili, let me ask you a simple question.
You up to making a nice, quiet dinner for two tonight?
??[ Orchestra: Romantic ] Here's to... prosperity.
And romance.
[ Both Chuckling ]
A daily double. [ Laughing ]
Oh, I must say, Lili, that was a magnificent meal.
Where'd you learn to cook so well?
My late husband, may he rest in peace,
was a professional chef.
Wonderful man. [ Chuckles ]
He taught me all I know. Well, he taught you well.
Thank you, sir.
Refill? Oh, sorry.
Oop! We're all out. [ Laughs ]
Let's open another one. Dare we?
Dare we not?
Mm-hmm!
Here we go. Happy New Year! [ Cork Pops ]
[ Both Laughing ] Quick, the glass.
[ Laughing Continues ]
Oh! Mmm!
Delicious!
But I'm afraid I'm getting a little tipsy.
What's wrong with that?
[ Slurred ] I don't know if I can trust you.
Now, is there any reason not to?
Lili, if I make you uncomfortable, I can always leave.
No. Please. I do enjoy your company.
You know what we should do? What?
It's such a beautiful night, we should...
row out to the center of the lake and...
go for a swim. Mmm. Sounds nice.
Mmm. Is nice. Shall we?
Better not. Why not?
I trust you, Ken. Really.
But we all have our dark sides, don't we?
just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat.
After all, you might start having second thoughts about the money.
I wish you hadn't said that, Lili.
That kind of talk hurts me deeply.
I'm gonna tell you something, and I shouldn't.
But I'll tell you why, because I trust you.
I was prepared to give you considerably more than you asked for.
Fifteen thousand-- I mean, I've lost that much gambling in one night.
Well, it certainly is a great deal of money to me.
What do you think you'll, uh-- you'll do with all of it?
I don't know. Put it in the bank, I guess.
But not right away.
Ohh! I just want to look at it for awhile. [ Chuckles ]
??[ Continues ]
Better be careful.
Someone might, uh, rob you.
I'll just keep it for a day or two.
I've never seen so much money in my life.
Uh,
maybe-- maybe you could take a-- a trip somewhere, huh?
I may. I've always wanted to go on a cruise.
Oh, cruises, they're so romantic.
Did I tell you that my late husband was in the merchant marines?
Is that a fact? Mmm.
They're the ones who taught him how to cook.
I almost wish he were here now.
He could share this with me.
Or maybe we can do the next best thing.
[ No Audio ]
Who did you say it is? One of the cops said it was a local woman.
Some kind of drowning.
[ Woman On Police Radio ] Twelve A-1 5, clear. Twelve A-1 7, are you clear?
Twelve A-1, clear. Twelve A-1 5, stand by.
One L-1 0, M.P.S have been notified.
?? [ Whistling ]
?? [ Stops ]
Mornin'!
Well, Lt. Columbo. I must say, you turn up at the oddest times, don't you?
Listen, I hope you don't mind my comin' in that way, you know.
But the door was open, and I just let myself in. Oh, no.
How'd you get here? By magic carpet? I didn't see your car outside.
Oh, no. I pulled around back, and I put it in the shade.
You know, the sun raises hell with the paint. Oh, sensible.
Well, what brings you up here to the wilds?
Well, I'll tell ya. I heard you and Mrs. Ferris talk so much about this place,
and you made it sound so terrific, and believe me, uh,
you weren't exaggerating, because...
this is magnificent.
And, uh, since I got a two-week vacation comin' up,
I said to myself, ""Go on down there, check out the area, look to see. Mmm.
Maybe you can rent a cabin.''
Lieutenant, you're not gonna tell me you drove down here just to look for a vacation spot, are you?
Why else would I come? You're wasting your time.
I have a feeling that cabins in this neck of the woods are pretty much out of your price range, anyway.
Most of them are-- are rented for the season.
Oh, gee whiz, that's-- that's too bad.
Gosh, my wife is gonna be disappointed.
Well, it was a nice ride, anyhow. Yes, a lovely drive.
Except for that bottleneck down the road. What was that all about?
Oh, there was a drowning. Well, what was it, a fisherman?
Well, I heard someone say it was a local woman.
Uh, a Miss La Sanka or something like that? Something like that, yeah.
Yeah. Did you know her? Not really, no.
I was just wondering, because, when I was in the kitchen before,
I noticed a grocery box with her name on it.
Oh, I occasionally buy supplies there, sure, like anyone else who lives around here.
Uh-huh. I think she was the one that drowned. Yeah.
'Cause I, uh, stopped by the grocery store on the way here to pick up some cigars,
and I noticed it was closed and the cops' cars around.
Well, if it was her, I-- I'd be very sorry.
She was always very friendly. Yeah, that's a shame.
Mm-hmm. [ Sucks Teeth ] Oh, you did know her.
Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without really knowing them.
You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants,
even the cop on the beat.
Don't you? Yeah. [ Chuckling ] Yeah, I do, matter of fact.
I'll tell you, though. People are strange.
You know, I can't figure 'em out. Why a woman goes out on a lake all by herself...
before the light comes up. Oh, there's nothing unusual about that.
A lot of us go out early.
It's peaceful and kind of makes you feel like you're...
plugged into nature. Mmm.
Know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, say, listen. Look, you came down here...
to get away from things, and I'm just takin' up your time.
I didn't mean to bother you. No, no, no. It's no bother at all.
Say, I'd be more than glad to let you have a bathing suit,
but, uh, you don't look like the athletic type to me.
Well, it's, uh, my wife that's the athlete.
Oh? Yeah.
So, you don't think I'm gonna be able to find a cabin to rent, huh? Mmm.
Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people. Uh-huh.
Because I think it'd be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks. [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughs ] Y-Yeah. Say, what kind of nightlife do you have around here?
Nightlife? None.
No partying? just sleep and crickets.
Gee, I was just wonderin', because,
you know, I didn't want to barge in on you today unannounced.
I don't follow you. No, last night I called to tell ya that I was comin'.
But there was no one at home.
[ Woman On Police Radio, Indistinct ]
Uh, you a reporter?
Uh, no, uh--
Uh, Lieutenant, uh, Columbo,
uh, police.
L.A. unit. All right.
L.A.P.D. Yeah.
What brings you down here, Lieutenant? Well, I'm workin' on a case.
Uh, listen, this is not really my jurisdiction,
but do-- do ya mind if I browse around?
Well, help yourself, Lieutenant. Always glad to cooperate.
[ Reporter ] Didn't she have a bruise on her head?
[ Man ] How'd you know that, Ben? Oh, come on, Sergeant. Doc Webster told us.
All right, so there was a bruise. Probably as a result of the boat capsizing and rendering her unconscious.
Any indication the lady was under the influence?
I can't ascertain that until we see an autopsy report.
The doctor's working on that right now.
[ Reporter #1 ] Sounds like drinkin' to me. [ Reporter #2 ] Could she swim?
[ Sergeant ] How would I know a thing like that? I wasn't married to the lady.
[ Reporter #3 ] Any living relatives? I don't think so. Somebody said she was a widow.
[ Reporter #3 ] How about the rowboat? Rowboat? What about it?
Well, who'd it belong to? Where'd it come from? It belonged to the deceased.
I've got witnesses that have seen her take it out on the lake.
[ Voices Continue, Indistinct ]
[ Reporter #1 ] Think she wanted some fresh air last night?
[ Sergeant ] This is all conjecture, gentlemen. I mean, there's no way of telling.
Maybe she did. Who knows?
It's also possible that she had a heart seizure or she got dizzy.
[ Reporter #3 ] Then you think it was an accident. I certainly don't think it was foul play.
You gonna be in your office this afternoon? [ Sergeant ] Absolutely.
[ Reporter #1 ] How long was she in the water, Sergeant? Oh, I don't know.
Wait'll we get the report. We're startin' to cover the same old ground here, gentlemen.
Now, why don't you meet me in my office an hour from now.
Well, we've got some more questions here we'd like to-- I'll answer 'em all then.
I'll have the reports, and I'll be able to give a lot more information. Okay? Okay, Sarge, thank you.
[ Columbo Reading ]
- I still don't know what this means. - It means that he knew her.
It means that he knew her not casually, the way he said.
It means that he knew her reasonably well. All right.
You've got a romantic inscription in a book and a champagne cork.
Now, what does that prove? By itself, it doesn't prove anything.
But once you assume that Franklin committed these crimes,
everything fits together. I just can't believe it.
I've known Ken too long. He's not a murderer.
Mrs. Ferris, it wouldn't make a difference if you knew him for a hundred years.
That wouldn't change anything. This man, Franklin, took your husband's life!
Do you have a match?
Help yourself. I don't smoke.
It doesn't make sense, Lieutenant! Ken has an alibi.
What's his motive?
I told ya how he could've worked the phone.
Now, his motive is the insurance money. He needed cash.
He spent money like a drunken sailor. He had two houses.
He's got paintings. He's got women.
He's got--
What?
""Jack and Jill went up the hill.
""Did Jack kill Jill?
If so, find out why.''
Jim. One of his story ideas.
Oh.
Lieutenant, if Ken killed my husband,
then why did he murder Miss La Sanka?
Well, it's my hunch that she knew something.
Maybe she saw them together, and she tried to blackmail him.
But that's pure guesswork, isn't it? No, ma'am, it's not. Not quite.
I checked the bank. Yesterday, he took out $1 5,000.
Today, he put it back in again.
Now, why in the world would he do that?
All right. I'm still not convinced, but...
let's say I'll go along.
What happens now? I don't know.
But I've got a pretty strong circumstantial case. It's just not enough.
If I had one piece of hard evidence, I could nail this fella.
But you don't. That's right, ma'am. I don't. That's why I'm here.
Maybe you can give it to me. Me?
You knew both of these fellas very well. I want you to tell me about 'em.
Anything. Just talk-- whatever comes into your mind.
Kind of like analysis without the couch.
Would you like a little coffee first? That'd be fine.
Okay.
I don't know what you're looking for, but here goes.
They met in a typewriter shop, of all places.
Jim had broken a key, and Ken needed a ribbon. Does that help?
Yeah. Keep goin'.
Well, I told you lot about Jim. [ Faucet Running ]
He was brilliant, really. He'd wake up in the middle of the night with ideas--always throwing off sparks.
I remember he even did it on our honeymoon. [ Chuckles ]
Funny thing is that Ken didn't even talk about the books...
unless he was on television.
This the truck's gonna move my stuff outta suite 803? Yeah.
You almost finished? Haven't started.
- What do you mean, you haven't started? - I'm only the driver, mister.
Ask the other two guys. They've been in there a half an hour already.
Half hour?
[ Bell Chimes ]
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
Columbo!
Oh. Hiya, Mr. Franklin.
just finishing up this last Melville mystery. I didn't get a chance the other day.
All right. Now, what are you doin' here?
Why, I'm waiting for you. I happened to be in the neighborhood.
You're always in the neighborhood!
Can you tell me what right you've got to keep those movers out of this office?
Oh, listen, I'm sorry about that. It's just--
You know what I thought? I thought you and I should talk alone.
You and I have nothing to talk about. Yes, we do, Mr. Franklin. We have somethin' to talk about.
I'm here to arrest ya for the murder of your partner.
What?
Now, it's my duty to inform you of your Constitutional rights-- Oh, will you cut that drivel?
I've written that stuff so many times, I know it by heart.
And what is this nonsense, you're gonna arrest me?
Come on, Mr. Franklin. Why don't you make a statement and save us both a lot of trouble?
You know, I've really got ya.
All right, Lieutenant. You got me. I'm your prisoner. Here.
Clamp the irons on me.
Do you wanna give me a dime first, so I can phone my attorney?
Because I promise you, I'm gonna sue you and your department...
for false arrest and defamation of character.
I kinda knew it right from the start.
It was nothing definite. It was a lot of little things.
Little things--
driving back from San Diego on the day of the murder instead of taking a plane,
the open mail, never showing any genuine emotion for a man that you worked with for ten years--
[ Laughs ] With that, you know what they're gonna do?
They're gonna laugh you right outta court.
But they're not gonna laugh at the insurance policy, are they?
I've got a photostatic copy of it here in my pocket.
They gonna laugh at the fact that you withdrew $1 5,000, put it back the next day?
I've got the book that you gave to Miss La Sanka with your signature in it.
You expect to get a true bill of indictment on that... trivia?
Come on, Lieutenant.
I was down in San Diego. So was your partner.
That's a provocative statement. Can you prove that?
Yes.
Not with the witness, 'cause you killed the witness. But I got another way to prove it.
Well, you enlighten me. I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand.
You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth.
For a while there, I never thought I was gonna get you.
Believe me, you had me goin' in such circles.
I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I thought of something--
how clever that first murder was--
the phone gimmick, working late in the office.
Brilliant. Oh, are you awarding gold medals today?
Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy.
Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.
Oh, come on, get to the climax, Lieutenant.
You're talking to a writer. Am I? That's not what I heard.
And that's the key: that you're not a writer.
When Mrs. Ferris told me that you didn't contribute to the writing,
that her husband did all the work,
That's a lie. I had to say to myself,
""How could a man with no talent for mysteries make up such a clever murder?''
If you were that ingenious, you'd be able to write your own books.
Go ahead. I'm fascinated, as boring as it may be.
Then I got it.
The first one-- the clever one-- that wasn't yours.
The second one-- the sloppy one-- that was yours.
- But not the first. - Oh?
And whose idea was that, then?
Your partner's. Had to be.
And his wife told me how conscientious he was.
You know, the way he used to write down his ideas on every odd scrap of paper, backs of matches, whatever--
Ahh, ah. So that's why you wouldn't let the movers in.
Well, I had to rummage around here before they emptied everything out.
Is this your partner's handwriting?
Well, I think I can prove it is. Maybe I ought to read this to ya.
""Idea for a Melville book-- perfect alibi.
"""A' wants to kill "B.' Drives "B' to a remote house...
""and has him call his wife in city.
Tells her he's working late at the office. Bang, bang.''
Sound familiar? That's the part you used,
practically word-for-word.
Should I read some more?
No. [ Door Opening, Closing ] Officer.
With this, I think I got a conviction, don't you?
You got to admit I had you goin' for awhile though, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
[ Snickers ] You wanna know the irony of all of this?
That is my idea,
the only really good one I ever had.
I must've told it to Jim over five years ago.
[ Chuckles ]
Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?