1
00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:03,879
Do we really have to wear
these ugly sweaters?

2
00:00:03,963 --> 00:00:06,506
It's just until Grandma
can see them.

3
00:00:06,591 --> 00:00:08,258
My neck hole is too small.
Mine's itchy.

4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,510
You know what?
I'd rather be itchy than chokey.

5
00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,053
Come on, Phil.
Hurry up.

6
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,763
Okay, here we go.
[Typing]

7
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:15,432
Connecting.

8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:20,270
[Lmitates Static]
Come in, Florida. Over.
Mom? Dad?

9
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,939
- Hello, Philip.
- [Laughs]

10
00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:26,234
[All]
Merry Christmas Eve!

11
00:00:26,319 --> 00:00:28,195
Merry Christmas Eve!

12
00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:29,905
A little-
little lower, Dad.

13
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:31,907
[Deep Voice]
Merry Christmas Eve!

14
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:33,950
[Laughs]
Thank you.
Get it?

15
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:36,494
- Thanks for the sweaters.
- I-I- Oh, you're welcome.

16
00:00:36,621 --> 00:00:38,413
[Luke] Thank you.
You look beautiful
in them, darling.

17
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:41,374
- Where's Mom?
- Mom is sinking fast.

18
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,210
[Phil]
Uh-oh.
She's in the bathtub.

19
00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:44,502
[Laughing]
Get it?

20
00:00:44,629 --> 00:00:46,880
[Phil]
They have that claw-foot.
Honey, come on.

21
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,965
Hey, Pops, here's the tree.

22
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:53,929
And, uh, there-there's the, uh-
there's the ornament you sent us.

23
00:00:54,055 --> 00:00:56,139
Right here. Right here.
[Dad] Oh.

24
00:00:56,224 --> 00:01:01,311
There are the stockings,
hung by the chimney by Claire.

25
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:04,689
Ah! Still funny, Son.
[Laughter]

26
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:06,399
[Claire]
What the hell is that?
Still funny.

27
00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:08,360
What is that?
That looks like a cigarette burn.

28
00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:09,945
Was one of you smoking
a cigarette?
What?

29
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:12,530
- [Children] No.
- [Claire] Which one of you was smoking?

30
00:01:12,657 --> 00:01:15,659
Not me. I have
a respiratory problem.
Obviously it wasn't you.

31
00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:18,870
[Claire] Now I've got
a family of liars and smokers.
Honey, come here.

32
00:01:18,955 --> 00:01:21,706
- You gotta see this.
- Did you shoplift your
Christmas presents too?

33
00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,917
Philip?
Haley, keep that
ugly sweater on.

34
00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:27,254
Anyway, merry Christmas!

35
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,506
[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

36
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:33,677
♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

37
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:37,013
♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

38
00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:41,768
No, no, it isn't
that kind of a trial.
[Sniffling]

39
00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:43,853
It's just because he says
he's Santa Claus.

40
00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:47,107
[Girl] But I've got a feeling
he is Santa Claus, Mother.

41
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:50,068
[Mother] Some people don't
believe that. That's why-
Are you crying?

42
00:01:50,152 --> 00:01:53,405
What are you, a robot?
It's a deeply emotional movie.

43
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:56,449
Manny, miamor, I need you
to help me in the kitchen.
[TV Off]

44
00:01:56,534 --> 00:02:00,120
We gotta finish this first, Gloria.
The kid's never seen
Miracle on 34th Street.

45
00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:03,290
That's because he always
spends Christmas in Colombia
with my family.

46
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:06,584
And all we see there is
Salazar and El Oso Save Christmas.

47
00:02:06,711 --> 00:02:08,461
Sounds like a classic.
[Gloria]
It is.

48
00:02:08,546 --> 00:02:11,214
Mom, can we finish
the movie?
Okay.

49
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,591
[TV On]
[Girl]
He's not like anyone else.

50
00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,677
He must be Santa.

51
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:18,430
I think perhaps
you're right, Susie.

52
00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,098
[Shrieking]
[Gasps]
What the hell is that?

53
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:21,599
What the hell is that?
[Both Laughing]

54
00:02:21,726 --> 00:02:23,935
Inocente!
What the hell?

55
00:02:24,020 --> 00:02:27,063
When you told me we were
going to watch this movie,

56
00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:29,274
I got a joke copy
from the Internet.

57
00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,276
You are the inocente!
[TV Off]

58
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:35,113
Well, maybe I'm a little
confused right now.
What is this "inocente" stuff?

59
00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:38,199
In Colombia, practical jokes
are a Christmas tradition.

60
00:02:38,284 --> 00:02:40,243
The one that is fooled
is the inocente!

61
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:42,704
We tell practical jokes
on April Fool's Day,

62
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:46,416
so do not do that again.
Ay.
[Laughing]

63
00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:49,627
"Inocente."
[TV On]

64
00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:52,380
Does it do it again?
Ah, it's ruined.

65
00:02:52,465 --> 00:02:54,132
Are you kidding me
with this line?

66
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:56,801
I'm gonna ask Santa for the
last 45 minutes of my life back.

67
00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:59,429
Would you cheer up?
We're in Santa's Village
with our daughter.

68
00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:03,016
Where were we a year ago?
We were at
the beginning of this line.

69
00:03:03,142 --> 00:03:05,685
You know what? Somebody
needs to get in the holiday-
♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪

70
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,229
Son of a bitch.
♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪

71
00:03:08,314 --> 00:03:10,357
- ♪ Remember Christ our savior ♪
- Maybe it's not them.

72
00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,734
Oh, it's them.
♪ Was born on Christmas day ♪

73
00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:14,069
♪ To save us all ♪
It's them.

74
00:03:14,153 --> 00:03:15,278
♪ From Satan's power ♪

75
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:17,364
Three years ago,
I formed a caroling group.

76
00:03:17,448 --> 00:03:19,366
We were known
as The Greensleevers.

77
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:21,368
We would perform
at charity events, hospitals-

78
00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:23,244
[Mitchell]
Αnd they were
very, very popular.

79
00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:27,707
Uh, last year,
one of my carolers-

80
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:31,086
Andrew- staged a little coup.
♪♪ [Sustained Note]

81
00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,338
And he, um-

82
00:03:39,512 --> 00:03:41,137
They kicked Cameron
out of the group.

83
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,264
[Carolers]
♪ Save us all
from Satan's power ♪

84
00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:45,266
♪ When we were gone astray ♪

85
00:03:45,351 --> 00:03:49,896
♪ O tidings of comfort and joy
Comfort and joy ♪

86
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:56,486
♪ O tidings of comfort and joy ♪♪

87
00:03:56,612 --> 00:03:58,279
[Applause]
Thank you.

88
00:03:58,364 --> 00:04:00,907
We're the New Greensleevers.

89
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,617
[Mouths Word]

90
00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,370
The New Greensleevers?

91
00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:06,913
Is there a slap mark
on my face?

92
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:09,082
I mean, why is Edna singing
the low harmony?

93
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:11,084
It's like people are
applauding out of shock.

94
00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:12,460
Let it go.
Why would-

95
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,504
Okay, next.
Ah, finally.

96
00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:19,217
Whoa! [Chuckles]
I'm- I'm sorry.
Can I- Could you-

97
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,219
What happened
to the other Santa?

98
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,430
Listen, we've been
waiting in this line
for a really long time,

99
00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:26,141
and we just want
a Santa that actually
looks like Santa.

100
00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:28,435
Mitchell, it's okay.
No, no, no.
Cam, it's not okay.

101
00:04:28,519 --> 00:04:31,146
This is Lily's first Christmas.
I want to make sure
everything is perfect.

102
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:33,773
And... we're gonna wait
for the fat Santa.

103
00:04:33,858 --> 00:04:35,942
All right?
I knew this would happen.

104
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,986
I-I don't even know why
we hired this guy.

105
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,447
See? Even his elves
agree with me. Thank you.

106
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,991
I didn't know Christmas
made you so petty.

107
00:04:43,075 --> 00:04:44,868
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

108
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,911
- ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
- Lackluster!

109
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,581
[Louder]
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas
and a happy New Year ♪

110
00:04:49,665 --> 00:04:51,583
♪ Good tidings we bring ♪♪
I hate you!

111
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:54,461
This is unacceptable,
and I want to know who did this.

112
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:57,297
- Ηmm?
- Nobody, huh?

113
00:04:57,381 --> 00:04:59,632
I guess the couch
did it to itself.

114
00:04:59,717 --> 00:05:03,136
Guess it came home after
a tough day, lit up a cigarette
and then it burned itself.

115
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,847
Is that what happened?
Because that makes no sense.

116
00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:08,141
If whoever is responsible
doesn't come forward,
your father and I...

117
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:09,976
are just gonna have to
punish all three of you.

118
00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:11,269
What?
[Claire]
Yeah.

119
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:13,229
- That's not fair!
- I can forgive the smoking,

120
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,814
but I can't
forgive the lie.
No.

121
00:05:14,899 --> 00:05:16,858
Or the smoking.

122
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:21,196
No one wants
to confess, huh? No?

123
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,406
That's fine, 'cause you know
what happens next?

124
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:25,033
We cancel Christmas!

125
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:27,994
[Alex Sighs]
[Luke]
That's not fair.

126
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:29,787
[Haley Chuckles]
Okay, Dad, sure.

127
00:05:29,872 --> 00:05:32,749
Phil has a habit of
making big pronouncements
to the kids.

128
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,418
[Chuckles]
One time I told Luke...

129
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:39,881
that if he didn't put his dirty
dishes in the dishwasher,
we would put them in his bed.

130
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:43,760
[Claire]
Phil's problem is follow-through.

131
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,262
[Flies Buzzing]

132
00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:50,808
We had no more dishes,
so we were eating cereal
out of the goldfish bowl.

133
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:52,977
Okay. Guess where
I'm headed?

134
00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:55,355
To take down the tree.
That's right.

135
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:56,981
Come on, guys.
This is your last chance.

136
00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:58,942
Whoever did this,
just take responsibility.

137
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:02,445
Don't put the rest
of us through this.
Luke? No?

138
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:06,074
This is really it.
Okay? Here we go.

139
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,411
Three, two, one.

140
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,957
Okay.
Good-bye, Dunphy Christmas.

141
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,959
Haley, I guess you're not
getting that car.

142
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:19,212
- I was getting a car?
- Nope. I was lying, because
that's what we do now.

143
00:06:19,296 --> 00:06:21,589
Dunphys are liars.

144
00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:31,891
When I was in charge,
it was all about the music.

145
00:06:31,976 --> 00:06:34,852
I mean, what's with them
tossing out candy canes
after every carol?

146
00:06:34,979 --> 00:06:37,897
It's pandering.
I think you made that clear
when you tossed them back.

147
00:06:37,982 --> 00:06:39,899
How am I supposed to get
all this in the car?

148
00:06:39,984 --> 00:06:41,859
- Let me give you a hand with that.
- Uh, thanks.

149
00:06:41,986 --> 00:06:44,404
Thanks. Thanks, Santa.
Can't call me that anymore.

150
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:46,781
Just got canned.

151
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,366
Oh- Really?

152
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,535
Guess a couple people
complained I wasn't fat enough.

153
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:54,372
Well, that's terrible.
That's what I get for trying not
to have a second heart attack.

154
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:57,041
There you go.
Always a way to make room.

155
00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,086
Take it from someone
who lives in his car.
Um-

156
00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,046
Oh, well,
thank you so much.

157
00:07:02,131 --> 00:07:04,048
No problem.
Merry Christmas.

158
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:07,302
Um, wait, wait. Um, please,
uh, let me give you
a little something...

159
00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,928
for your troubles.
No, that's okay.
No, no, really-

160
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:10,888
Gosh. Really? Okay.
Do you really
live in your car?

161
00:07:10,973 --> 00:07:15,393
Yeah. It's not so bad.
It's pretty roomy
since the wife moved out.

162
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:18,521
[Mouthing Words]
Why don't you come over to our
place for dinner tonight?

163
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:21,232
- Seriously?
- Yeah. It's Christmas Eve.

164
00:07:21,317 --> 00:07:23,443
Y-You can't spend it
in your car.

165
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,445
Wow, that's really
nice of you guys.

166
00:07:25,529 --> 00:07:28,740
Listen, can I bring anything?
Ketchup, soy sauce, straws?

167
00:07:28,824 --> 00:07:30,742
We're good.

168
00:07:30,826 --> 00:07:33,119
So, uh, why don't you
follow us to our house?

169
00:07:33,245 --> 00:07:34,704
Okay.
In your house.

170
00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,914
[Chuckles]
[Chuckles]

171
00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,166
[Man]
All right!

172
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:39,709
Cameron.
What?

173
00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:47,592
Okay. Tonight, 9:00 sharp,
we open one present each.

174
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,260
Pajamas- which we sleep in.

175
00:07:49,345 --> 00:07:52,180
Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m.,
Manny,

176
00:07:52,264 --> 00:07:54,766
on the stairs
for the Christmas picture.

177
00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,226
Then we open presents.

178
00:07:57,311 --> 00:08:00,563
In Colombia, they open presents
at midnight and stay up till morning.

179
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:03,983
I'm sure that they do, but as
you'll notice from the absence
of goats in the street,

180
00:08:04,068 --> 00:08:05,568
we are not in Colombia.

181
00:08:05,653 --> 00:08:08,404
Come on! I'm kidding.

182
00:08:08,489 --> 00:08:11,407
Why can't we mix a couple
of Colombian traditions in?

183
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:13,951
- Like what?
- Like fireworks.

184
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:15,953
Come on. You don't have
fireworks in Colombia.

185
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,705
You're trying to make me
the inocente again.

186
00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:21,125
No, we do. At night
the sky is beautiful-
very Christmassy.

187
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:24,921
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Look, every country
has their own traditions.

188
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,882
In our culture, for example,
the baby Jesus is the one...

189
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,343
that brings the gifts,
not the Santa Claus.

190
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:34,847
But that doesn't make sense.
How could a newborn baby
carry all those presents?

191
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,599
They don't even know
where their hands are.

192
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,476
At least a baby can
fit through a chimney.

193
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,146
How would you sit
on the baby Jesus' lap?
You'd squish it.

194
00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:46,025
Manny, next year we'll talk
about some of your little
Colombian traditions.

195
00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:49,112
- Okay? Maybe.
- I know what "maybe" means.

196
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,614
It's like you're trying to
take away my whole Christmas.

197
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:56,244
I can't believe it's all gone.
Dad never follows through.

198
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,871
Are you sure one of your friends
didn't burn the couch?

199
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:03,084
Hey, don't look at me.
Only one of us was ever
caught playing with matches.

200
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:07,213
Luke?
That was a year ago.
Just admit you did it.

201
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,923
- You admit you did it!
- No!

202
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:11,175
Okay. Look,
I have an idea.

203
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:13,177
Do you remember the movie
Spartacus?

204
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:19,809
Here's what we do:
Luke, you tell Mom and Dad
it's your fault.

205
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,978
- I didn't do it.
- It doesn't matter.

206
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:26,941
Because after you confess,
Haley and I will each
confess to the same thing.

207
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,943
How does that do anything?

208
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:31,404
They'll be so touched that
we're protecting each other...

209
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:33,865
that they'll have to
bring back Christmas.

210
00:09:33,949 --> 00:09:35,867
That's awesome.

211
00:09:36,869 --> 00:09:38,453
How does it work again?

212
00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:40,580
We're gonna pass
into legend.

213
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,874
- The parents who canceled Christmas.
- I thought you'd be happy.

214
00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,792
They'II write songs
about us,

215
00:09:44,877 --> 00:09:47,336
make one of those Christmas
specials with those ugly
little clay people.

216
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:50,882
You're the one who always says
I shouldn't be such a pushover
with the kids.

217
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:54,427
- So this is where you decide to
make your stand? Really, Phil?
- Okay. Okay, look.

218
00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:56,429
Don't worry.
We're going to have Christmas.

219
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:59,265
We've raised our kids right.
Whoever did it will come forward.

220
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:01,893
Or the other two
will rat 'em out.

221
00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:03,436
Mom, Dad.

222
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,899
Hey, Luke. What, uh-
What can we do for you?

223
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,110
[Sighs]

224
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:12,779
I did it.

225
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:15,323
I was playing with matches.
I'm sorry.

226
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,785
You, uh- You did
the right thing-
Yeah.

227
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:21,788
By confessing, but, um-

228
00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:25,291
This is bad, buddy.
I mean, really bad, okay?

229
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:28,127
Claire, you want
to handle this?

230
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:31,214
Um, Luke, why didn't you
say something?

231
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,049
Mmm, I don't know.

232
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:37,178
Okay, well, your father
and I are extremely
disappointed in you, so-

233
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:39,931
Go up to your room.
Go on.

234
00:10:40,057 --> 00:10:42,350
Alex!
We'll be up to talk
to you in a minute. Just go.

235
00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:43,684
Haley!
What?

236
00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:45,686
- Say something!
- About what?

237
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:47,647
Uh, I take it back!
What is going on?

238
00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:51,108
These guys were gonna say
they did it too, and you were
gonna be proud of all of us.

239
00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:53,653
Why would we do that?
I don't know what
to believe with this kid.

240
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:55,446
Liars! I didn't do it!

241
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,323
Well, it wasn't me.
Don't look at me.

242
00:10:57,449 --> 00:10:59,492
Seriously?
Wait.

243
00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,661
[Panting]
Nobody did it again?

244
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:03,704
[Groans]
No, that's fine.

245
00:11:03,789 --> 00:11:06,499
Guess what?
Christmas is still canceled.

246
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,501
That's fine by me.

247
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:11,254
Let's start working
on next year.

248
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,589
Hey, and memo
to New Year's Eve...

249
00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:15,758
and Easter-

250
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,927
Watch your back!

251
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:21,848
So, after I left the marines,
I just kinda traveled the world.

252
00:11:21,932 --> 00:11:24,517
Now I go from town to town
picking up odd jobs.

253
00:11:24,601 --> 00:11:26,143
Oh. Kinda like the Hulk.

254
00:11:26,270 --> 00:11:29,647
[Laughs]
That's weird. That was
my nickname in the corps-

255
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,608
'cause of my bad temper.

256
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,779
Anyway,
thanks for having me over,

257
00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:39,073
having me for dinner,
letting me do my laundry.

258
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:42,368
It's not been a good day.
[Exhales]

259
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:47,039
Um, Scott, I-I have
a confession to make.
Yeah?

260
00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:49,625
Um, I didn't, uh-

261
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,252
I didn't clean the lint tray,

262
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,462
so, um, your clothes
might be a little pilly.

263
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:55,715
Oh, no problem.
That's the least of my worries.

264
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:58,759
Thanks for everything.
You guys made my day.

265
00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:01,804
- It's the least we could do.
- What do you mean?

266
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:04,891
- I don't know... what I was saying.
- [Chuckles]

267
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,517
[Slaps Leg]

268
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:10,021
[Mouthing Words]

269
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:12,732
I just say we never tell him.
Exactly.
[Stammers]

270
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:16,485
We give him some money,
a hot meal, laundry.
I think we're square.

271
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:19,030
Agreed. Okay,
how does this thing work?

272
00:12:19,114 --> 00:12:21,991
Yeah, I think you just press
that button right there
in the middle. Yeah.

273
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:24,035
Oh, my-
Okay. That-

274
00:12:24,119 --> 00:12:25,745
That seems a little high,
doesn't it?

275
00:12:25,829 --> 00:12:28,581
Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that.
It's like something astronauts train in.

276
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:31,876
[Jay, Knocking]
Ho, ho, ho! It's me!
Ho, ho, ho! It's me!

277
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,920
It's your dad.
Yeah.

278
00:12:34,004 --> 00:12:36,964
Hey, Dad. Hi.
Hey, guys. Hey!

279
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,675
I brought your presents.
Aren't we seeing you tomorrow, Jay?

280
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,094
These are your Christmas Eve
gifts. You know the drill.
Oh, yeah.

281
00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:44,347
You open those up before bedtime.
They're pajamas.

282
00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:47,266
Still keeping
traditions alive, huh?
Well, someone has to.

283
00:12:47,351 --> 00:12:51,604
I got two Colombians at home
trying to turn Christmas
into Cinco de Mayo.

284
00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:54,398
You know
that's Mexican, right?
Ah, burrito, "bur-right-o."

285
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:56,400
Christmas should be Christmas.

286
00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:59,528
Picture on the stairs,
hot chocolate,
opening the presents.

287
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,615
That was supposed to be
the good thing about having
a kid in the house again.

288
00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:05,242
I can have Christmas
the way we used to.
I hear you, Jay.

289
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:08,537
If I was home right now,
I'd be mixin' up a bathtub
full of eggnog...

290
00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:10,790
and trying to squeeze
a greased hog into a Santa hat.

291
00:13:10,874 --> 00:13:12,792
You don't think I miss that?

292
00:13:12,876 --> 00:13:14,210
Do you?

293
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:19,465
The point is that those
are memories that I'll always have,

294
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:22,093
but now I have
the perfect opportunity...

295
00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,803
to create new memories
with my new family...

296
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:25,680
that are gonna be
just as special someday.

297
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:28,683
Aw. No.
Cam's right, you know.

298
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,518
We create new traditions
every year.

299
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:33,688
So, who's ready
to try the swing?

300
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:40,903
[Gloria]
Okay, now remind me.
We put this in the oven...

301
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:44,073
first thing tomorrow
'cause Jay wants to eat at 3:00.

302
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:47,868
Ay, Manny! Did you put
this spider in the fridge?

303
00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:49,996
Oh, yeah.
Inocente.

304
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,123
Ay, papi, what's wrong?

305
00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:56,127
I want to have Christmas
like they do in Colombia.
Jay is messing everything up.

306
00:13:56,211 --> 00:14:01,632
Manny, try to understand.
Jay has great memories with
his kids when they were young.

307
00:14:01,717 --> 00:14:03,926
And he just wants
to recreate them with you.

308
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,221
So, maybe the best gift
I could give Jay would be...

309
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,390
Christmas like he used
to have it?

310
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:12,018
Ay, you're such
a beautiful boy!

311
00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:14,103
One day you're gonna grow up,
and I'm gonna miss...

312
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,313
all the things that you
used to do as a little boy.

313
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:19,567
Okay. But if this
so-called Santa Claus...

314
00:14:19,651 --> 00:14:23,821
doesn't bring me a burgundy
dinner jacket, we're going
to have a big problem.

315
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,614
[Toy Spider Clinks In Glass]

316
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:27,825
Honey?
Hmm?

317
00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:31,454
Would it really be
so bad to back down?

318
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,415
And have the kids
never take any of our
threats seriously again?

319
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,459
Yeah.
Mmm.

320
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,922
Or... the kids
could realize...

321
00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,258
that we're making
a supreme sacrifice...

322
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:47,386
by giving up our power
to save their Christmas.

323
00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:51,182
Which would, in a way,
be the greatest gift that
we could ever give them.

324
00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:53,851
And which would paradoxically
make them respect us even more.

325
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:55,895
[Groans]
Okay, forget that.
Go back one.

326
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,105
Hey, guys.

327
00:14:58,190 --> 00:15:00,608
[Sighs]
It- It was me.

328
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:02,276
What?
What?

329
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:06,155
I found a cigarette
at school,

330
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:10,743
and when no one
was home, I- I tried it.

331
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:15,456
And I-I guess I held it
too close to the couch.

332
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:17,666
I'm so sorry.

333
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:21,712
You can take my Christmas away,
but don't take it from everyone else.

334
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:23,756
That is very noble of you-
Mm-hmm.

335
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,884
To care about the family,
but you still smoked
and lied.

336
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,886
That's really bad.
Mmm.

337
00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:31,305
Now help me
grab the tree.
Phil.

338
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:34,350
Phil, Alex, come on back.

339
00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:40,689
Starting December 26,
you are grounded
for a full week,

340
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,691
and that includes
New Year's Eve.

341
00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:44,693
But, I was-
Yeah, non-negotiable.
So-

342
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:45,945
Mmm.
Yeah.

343
00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,114
Fine.

344
00:15:48,198 --> 00:15:50,199
Everybody!
[Door Opens, Closes]

345
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:53,619
It's official!
Christmas is back on!

346
00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,287
It is?
What happened?

347
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,957
Doesn't matter.
Stockings, lights, ornaments, wreath!

348
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,042
Go, go, go!
Okay.

349
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:03,838
Well, that sounds like
a stressful job to me.

350
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,965
Mmm. Not as much
as you'd think.

351
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,260
They always made sure one of us
had a blank, so nobody knew
who took the fatal shot.

352
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:12,221
- [Groans]
- This was mighty tasty.

353
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,099
Well, I don't want
to overstay my welcome.
You won't have me back.

354
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:17,726
- [Forced Laughter]
- You guys enjoy
the rest of your night.

355
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,728
You're good people.

356
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:24,233
Scott. Wait, wait.

357
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:26,944
Don't forget your laundry.

358
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,988
Oh! Thanks.
Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks.

359
00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:30,489
- Merry Christmas.
- Scott, merry Christmas to you.

360
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,950
♪ We wish you
a merry Christmas ♪
And happy- Son of a bitch.

361
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:35,828
- What?
- Oh. It's the New Greensleevers.

362
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,330
They're Cameron's old caroling group.
They kicked him out this year.

363
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:41,292
♪♪ [Continues]
I mean, it is one thing
to kick me out of the group,

364
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,043
but to rub my nose in it!

365
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:46,088
I'm turning on the sprinklers.
Wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

366
00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,257
I know it feels good
to get even.

367
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,259
Believe me.
[Chuckles]

368
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,262
To see the fear
in a man's eyes is-

369
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:58,058
But there's something
that feels even better.

370
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,145
♪♪ [Continues]
Forgiveness.

371
00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:04,565
Scott, you don't understand.
This- This group was my Dreamgirls.

372
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:06,150
I was Effie.

373
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:09,862
You know what the best thing
I did all day was?

374
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,114
Forgiving you
for getting me fired.

375
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:15,409
♪ Happy New Year
Merry Christmas ♪♪

376
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,621
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way ♪

377
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,665
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open
one-horse open ♪

378
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:24,752
♪ One-horse open sleigh ♪

379
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,754
♪ Jingle all the way
Hey ♪♪

380
00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:29,006
Andrew.

381
00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:30,633
Ensemble.

382
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:36,680
Uh, I know it's no accident
that you're here
on my street tonight.

383
00:17:36,765 --> 00:17:39,391
And I-

384
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:43,854
I just wanted to say to you all
that you sound great.

385
00:17:43,939 --> 00:17:46,857
And... merry Christmas.

386
00:17:46,942 --> 00:17:48,609
Wow.

387
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:50,611
Even your apology
is off-key.

388
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,404
Not cool, buddy.

389
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:54,031
[All Gasping]

390
00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:57,451
Well, I should, uh,
probably scoot.

391
00:17:57,535 --> 00:18:00,412
But-But- But what
about forgiveness?

392
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:02,623
You were nice.
He was naughty.

393
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,672
[Door Closes]
Where were you for so long?

394
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,507
Just a little
last-minute shopping.
[Gloria] Ah.

395
00:18:11,633 --> 00:18:13,550
What's this?
Buñuelos.

396
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:15,552
Who? What?
Cheese fritters.

397
00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:17,680
It's a Colombian
traditional Christmas food.

398
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:19,682
Okay, new rule:
From now on...

399
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,268
we do Colombian things
when we're in Colombia.

400
00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:25,229
We do American things
when we're in America.

401
00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,731
That means no more of your food,
no more of your music...

402
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:30,567
and especially no more
of your crazy holidays!

403
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:36,282
- Inocente!
- Ay, Jay!

404
00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:38,909
What? Did I say it wrong?
You two are total inocentes!

405
00:18:38,994 --> 00:18:41,495
- You should see
the look on your faces.
- Aw!

406
00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:44,581
And by the way-
You know how hard it is to get
fireworks on Christmas Eve?

407
00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:47,001
[Laughs]
Go, Manny. Thank you.

408
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:48,877
[Laughing]

409
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:55,592
All righty.
Here's another one for Luke.

410
00:18:55,719 --> 00:18:58,804
Looks like a book.
I have a book already.

411
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:02,516
What is that? Oh, my God.
The couch is smoking.

412
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,935
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.

413
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:08,897
It's sunlight.

414
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:10,983
[Haley]
It's the ornament.

415
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:14,778
[Luke]
Cool. It's like
a magnifying glass.

416
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:16,864
Hey, how weird is that?
It's burning a hole...

417
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,450
in the exact same spot
that Alex was smoking in.

418
00:19:19,534 --> 00:19:21,076
Oh, Haley.

419
00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:23,537
Alex, why'd you
take the blame?

420
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,415
I didn't want
to lose Christmas.
Hmm.

421
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,335
That is so stinking beautiful.
Mm-hmm.

422
00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,337
Mm-hmm.
Get in here.

423
00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:33,213
[Children]
No.
Yes.

424
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:34,340
Oh, no.
Yes.

425
00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,717
Oh, yes!
Bear hug!

426
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,719
[Laughter]

427
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:42,181
Wait a- You were going to take
Christmas away for something
that none of us did?

428
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:46,477
Well, um, Christmas
is about moving forward.

429
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:49,355
I've never heard that.
Actually, honey, you did
kinda shoot your mouth off.

430
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:52,024
You called us all liars.
And- Yeah, and then-

431
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,526
It's hard to say.
I don't know. Let's-
Yeah, you did, and then-

432
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:58,906
[All Talking At Once]
Let's not all get worked up.
I made a mistake!

433
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:03,494
I made a mistake.
And people make mistakes.

434
00:20:03,578 --> 00:20:07,706
And they make up
for those mistakes-

435
00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:10,125
Mm-hmm?
By...

436
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:14,880
taking their family to Italy!

437
00:20:14,964 --> 00:20:16,298
[Haley]
Oh, my God!
Yeah!

438
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:20,803
[Laughing]
Can Dylan come?
Yeah! Yeah!

439
00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:25,057
Who wants
some dark meat?
[All Chattering]

440
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:28,769
[Jay]
We talk a lot about tradition
this time of year.

441
00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,563
But as much as we love
our traditions,

442
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:36,860
sometimes our best memories
come from the times
that are the most untraditional.

443
00:20:36,945 --> 00:20:38,946
Inocente!

444
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:44,118
We remember the year
Mom and Dad went crazy.

445
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:48,705
We remember the year
Santa punched out the caroler.

446
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:55,629
But for me, this was the year
that the word "tradition"...

447
00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:57,714
got a lot bigger.

448
00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:09,435
♪ All is calm ♪

449
00:21:09,519 --> 00:21:10,561
[Jay]
There's Cam.

450
00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:13,021
♪ All is bright ♪
[Manny Laughing]

451
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:20,279
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

452
00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:26,243
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪

453
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:28,745
- [Shrieking]
- [Screams] Ah, you didn't.

454
00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:31,415
You got me again.
[Laughing]

455
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,296
ENGLISH - US - PSDH