1 00:00:03,087 --> 00:00:05,423 [PHONE RINGING] 2 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,510 Okay, I'll-I'll get that. [RINGING CONTINUES] 3 00:00:09,594 --> 00:00:11,011 [BEEPS] Hello? 4 00:00:11,095 --> 00:00:14,306 Hey, Manny's getting his outfit together for the dance tonight- 5 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:16,433 I was just taking some supplies out to the car. 6 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,268 Isn't this exciting, the boys' first dance? 7 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:22,106 Greatest day of my life. Does Phil have a green pocket square for him? 8 00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,774 Teal. Teal. 9 00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:26,860 I don't know. I don't think Phil's really a pocket square kind of a guy. 10 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:28,279 Wow. 11 00:00:29,113 --> 00:00:30,072 Wow. 12 00:00:30,156 --> 00:00:31,740 Why don't we conference in Mitch? 13 00:00:31,824 --> 00:00:33,033 [BEEPING] 14 00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:34,952 Ay, look. This might work. 15 00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:37,371 Well, except that it's turquoise. 16 00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:38,956 Oh, and a bra! 17 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,750 Do you think the kids in my village have pocket squares? 18 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,335 Here we go with the village. 19 00:00:43,419 --> 00:00:45,838 -Dad, you still there? -Unfortunately, yes. 20 00:00:45,922 --> 00:00:49,216 Please ask Claire what time do I need to be at the school to help set up. 21 00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:51,260 Gloria wants to know- No, I heard. I heard. 22 00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:55,514 Um, tell her thank you so much, but we have all the help we could possibly need, 23 00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:57,891 and she doesn't even have to come tonight if she doesn't want to. 24 00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,685 -Claire said- -I heard. 25 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:02,229 [RINGS, BEEPS] Hello? 26 00:01:02,313 --> 00:01:05,357 -Oh, hey, Mitch. Where are you? -Oh, we're at the park. 27 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:07,734 You would not believe how some of these people dress their kids. 28 00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:10,779 Lily's friend just pulled a Britney Spears getting out of a sandbox car. 29 00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:12,447 So Dad's on the line. 30 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:15,284 Do you have a teal pocket square for Manny? 31 00:01:15,368 --> 00:01:17,286 Cam, Manny needs a teal pocket square. 32 00:01:17,370 --> 00:01:20,038 -Oh, I've got teal, I've got aqua, I've got seafoam. -Yeah, Cam's got one. 33 00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:22,082 -Cam's got one. -Yes! 34 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:24,042 Oh, you know what? I lent it to Andre. 35 00:01:24,126 --> 00:01:25,711 Uh, he lent it to Andre. 36 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:27,921 Flag on the play. What's that mean? 37 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,590 What's it mean? 38 00:01:29,674 --> 00:01:30,883 [SIGHS] 39 00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:32,468 Now I got to go to the mall. 40 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,220 Is this okay? 41 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:37,556 Oh, hey, Luke has to go to the mall too. 42 00:01:37,682 --> 00:01:39,600 What? CLAIRE: Phil. 43 00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:42,270 Let's go, incredible Hulk. 44 00:01:43,813 --> 00:01:45,772 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 45 00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,900 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 46 00:01:47,984 --> 00:01:49,860 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 47 00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,987 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 48 00:01:52,071 --> 00:01:53,239 ♪ Hey♪♪ 49 00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:57,117 [GIRL SQUEALS] WOMAN: Hey. 50 00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,535 Hi. Hi. 51 00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,287 Is that your little girl over there, Lily? 52 00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:02,122 Yes. Look at her. Yes. 53 00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:05,459 Uh, this is a little bit awkward, but she bit Tyler. 54 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:08,086 Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. 55 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,130 I- I don't even know what to say. 56 00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,716 She's never done anything like that before. How did it happen? 57 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,259 I don't know. I didn't see it. 58 00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:16,428 Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. 59 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:18,472 It's time to play everyone's favorite game. 60 00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:20,016 "Let's blame the gay dads." 61 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:23,060 You know who had straight parents-Adolf Hitler. Charles Manson. 62 00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,978 Shall we go on? Naomi Campbell. 63 00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:26,980 I know it happened. 64 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:29,024 He's got bite marks on his arm. 65 00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:30,609 Oh, wow, yeah. Oh, gosh. 66 00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:32,778 Someone really sunk their teeth into ya, huh? 67 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:36,323 It's 'cause you're such a yummy little guy. Yes. [LAUGHS] 68 00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:37,867 Our daughter didn't do that. 69 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:39,576 But he said-Right. 70 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,161 He's probably just confused. 71 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:43,330 You know who I bet did it, though? Billy. 72 00:02:43,414 --> 00:02:45,791 Rhymes with "Lily." Plus, he is very aggressive. 73 00:02:45,875 --> 00:02:47,501 His babysitter is right over there. 74 00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:49,836 She's-She's not much of a disciplinarian. 75 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,421 Because I can assure you, 76 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,006 if our child did something like this, 77 00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,925 we would be on her like white on rice. 78 00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:57,427 And I know that sounds a little bit like a racial slur... 79 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,680 because we're white and she presumably likes rice, 80 00:02:59,764 --> 00:03:01,724 but I didn't intend it that way. 81 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:05,018 Ah, finally. There's a spot. 82 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,187 PHIL: Oh. 83 00:03:07,271 --> 00:03:09,690 Guys, I am just bursting with pride right now. 84 00:03:09,774 --> 00:03:12,526 Your first dance. Soon you're gonna be men. 85 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:14,611 I want you to know there's more to being a man... 86 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,196 than just shopping for fancy outfits. 87 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,031 Yep. Pretty soon you get some hair on your chest, 88 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:21,265 you start answering the phone, people don't think you're ladies. 89 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,996 Come on. Today, Miss Daisy. 90 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,625 Actually, Miss Daisy was the one being driven, not the one driving. 91 00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:30,419 Never saw it. It's called Driving Miss Daisy. 92 00:03:30,503 --> 00:03:32,963 You got a real lip on you today, you know that? 93 00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:39,511 JAY: Hey, that was our spot! 94 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,556 What are you doing? You gonna let him snake your spot? 95 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,141 Not worth it. 96 00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:46,560 Boys, here's the only thing you gotta know about being a man- 97 00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:48,562 never let someone take what is yours. 98 00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:51,648 Unless it's just a parking spot and there's plenty of others. 99 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,734 That's sweet, Phil. You ought to write that down. 100 00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:56,445 You got any lipstick in your purse? 101 00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:59,031 I love Jay. Are you kidding me? He's my boy. 102 00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:02,326 Yeah, he gives me a hard time, but that's the deal with a father-in-law. 103 00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:07,415 The key is, I never let him see just how much it devastates me. 104 00:04:07,540 --> 00:04:09,666 It's Dunphy. That's what I said-Dumphy. 105 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,085 No, not "Dum." Dunphy. 106 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,211 Dumphy. 107 00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:14,296 Say "Dun." Dun. 108 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:15,840 Say "phy." Phy. 109 00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:17,383 Dunphy. Dumphy. 110 00:04:19,969 --> 00:04:22,012 All right, just bring it this way. This way. 111 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:24,097 There it is. Perfect. Thank you. Perfect. 112 00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,558 -Claire! -What? 113 00:04:26,642 --> 00:04:28,310 Can you ask Gus to fix that light? 114 00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:31,229 I asked him, but he just growled at me. Oh, gosh. Okay. 115 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:34,149 Gus, stop scaring Bethenny and fix the light, please. 116 00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:35,692 Don't make me come over there. 117 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,903 I'm busy. You fix it. 118 00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:41,448 Is this because I said I wouldn't come to the dance with you? 119 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,533 Gus, I'm a married woman. People would talk. 120 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,952 One dance with me, you'd forget all about it. 121 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,955 Yeah, I already have a husband who doesn't fix lights. 122 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,666 Please? 123 00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:54,544 Thank you so much. [CHUCKLES] 124 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,922 This school would literally fall apart without you. 125 00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:58,673 Oh, well, I don't know about "literally," but- 126 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,551 ¡Hola! ¡Hola! I'm here. 127 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:04,054 Oh, you came anyway. It's great. 128 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:05,806 I think it's great too. 129 00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:08,934 A few weeks ago, they asked for someone to be in charge of the school dance... 130 00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:10,477 and I volunteered. 131 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:14,189 The school asks for volunteers so that everybody will feel included. 132 00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:17,401 But who are they kidding? They want me to do it. 133 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:20,862 I've put on every school dance since Haley was 12. It's my thing. 134 00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:22,823 They made us cochairs, 135 00:05:22,907 --> 00:05:25,826 which means we're supposed to do everything together. 136 00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:29,079 But Claire won't take any of my ideas. 137 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:32,999 She suggested an Arabian Nights theme. 138 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,835 Isn't that a little soon? 139 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,753 Okay. Hey, everybody, 140 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,298 do you know Gloria, Manny's mom? 141 00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:42,050 She's here to help us out today. I'm the cochair. 142 00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,677 Oh. All right. 143 00:05:43,761 --> 00:05:47,222 So the kids are gonna be here in two hours, so everybody back to work. 144 00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:48,890 Everybody back to work. 145 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,517 I just said that. 146 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,394 And I just co-said it. 147 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:57,649 I mean the nerve of that lady, accusing Lily. 148 00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,526 Mmm. You know what? You can't change people, Cam. 149 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,487 I mean, we just have to rise above. 150 00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:03,697 Ow! Ohh! What happened? 151 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,283 She bit me. Are you serious? 152 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:11,205 Ohh! She did it again. It's like Twilight back here. 153 00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:14,291 [BOY WHIMPERING] No. No ice cream for you, Billy, 154 00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:17,086 because the lady say you biting. 155 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,671 Okay, go, go! Yeah. 156 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:20,965 Go, go, go. Drive. Okay. 157 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,221 Are you sure this is teal? 158 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,557 'Cause I'm starting to get a real strong green thing here. 159 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:32,517 That's the fluorescent lights. 160 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,811 Do you mind if I walk this over to Lamps Galore? 161 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,730 I need you to worry about this less. 162 00:06:36,814 --> 00:06:40,233 Guess who fit into the suit on the mannequin and saved us 20%? 163 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:43,904 Here's something I didn't know about mannequins-they don't have a wiener. 164 00:06:43,988 --> 00:06:45,530 What the heck is that? 165 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,449 It's a nicer word for "penis." 166 00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:49,326 No, I mean, what the heck is this? 167 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,036 It's a tie. It's teal. 168 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,622 I don't care. I just grabbed the first one I saw. 169 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,540 Well, grab a different one. No! 170 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:57,542 Now I like it. 171 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,794 Uh, I think we were here first. 172 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:02,214 I just have one thing. I'm in a big rush. 173 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,425 So are we. That's fine. Go ahead. 174 00:07:04,550 --> 00:07:06,718 Seriously. Jay, it's not a big deal. 175 00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:09,346 And can you give me the sale prices for some things I bought last week? 176 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,182 Oh, for God's sake! Now this is what I'm talking about, boys. 177 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,267 You give people an inch, they'll run all over you. 178 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,186 Or you could just be nice. Pay it forward. 179 00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:17,896 They don't make movies out of bad ideas. 180 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,940 All I know is you gotta fight for what you want. 181 00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:23,944 If there's one job available, this guy just got it and they go hungry at the Dumphys. 182 00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:25,946 Dunphys. 183 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:29,364 Okay, I don't get it. Why is she biting? 184 00:07:29,450 --> 00:07:32,410 Lily, why are you biting? She's not biting, she's teething. 185 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:37,207 On people. All right, she starts biting her playdates, she's gonna be a pariah. 186 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:38,875 Try piranha. Really, Cam? 187 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,085 It was right there. 188 00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:42,754 All right, you should also know that I, in no way, 189 00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:44,881 in no way blame you. 190 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,175 -Thank you. Why would you blame me? -I don't. 191 00:07:47,259 --> 00:07:50,596 -Well, good, because I don't blame you. -Well, obviously. 192 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,640 Uh, okay, well, now I'm starting to feel the blame. No. 193 00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:57,394 No. Don't. It's-It's just that you're with her all day. 194 00:07:57,478 --> 00:08:00,772 Oh, wow. I have a daughter who bites and a partner who stings. 195 00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:03,525 Okay. Okay, you want to know the truth? 196 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:06,403 Sometimes you send her some mixed signals. [GASPS] 197 00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:09,990 I'm gonna bite your feet. I'm gonna bite 'em right off. 198 00:08:10,074 --> 00:08:12,909 [GROWLING] 199 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,787 Oh, I'm not the one who uses my teeth like a multi-tool. 200 00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:17,372 Here we go. 201 00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:19,332 Cookies for Lily, 202 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:22,085 wine for us. 203 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,253 Okay. 204 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,921 I can't believe you would equate that- 205 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,008 Don't bite my head off. I'm not a pack of batteries. 206 00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:31,637 [SPEAKING SPANISH] 207 00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:35,015 Whoa! ¡Ay! 208 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:39,394 Why is this box here? I am sorry. We did because we were moving the tables. 209 00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:41,355 Why are you moving the tables? 210 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:46,026 So the kids have more space to dance. It's better this way. Is it really, Gloria? 211 00:08:46,110 --> 00:08:50,947 Because right now it kinda just looks like a clump of tables and a big open space. 212 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:54,159 Look, I'm sorry, but we've always done it this way. 213 00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:57,037 And I think it's gonna throw people off if you move them around. 214 00:08:57,121 --> 00:09:00,999 Oh, my God. These tables look great. Who did this? 215 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,084 -I did. -I love it. 216 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:04,794 [CHUCKLES] Hello. 217 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:07,297 We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Gloria. 218 00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:08,923 I'm Bethenny. 219 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,886 I don't know if anybody's ever told you this, but you're really pretty. 220 00:09:12,970 --> 00:09:15,055 No. No, Bethenny, no one's ever told her that. 221 00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:18,683 I am seriously freaking out about these tables. 222 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,519 You know what? Let's just put a pin in where we're gonna put the tables. 223 00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,021 Yes, we're keeping the tables. 224 00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:24,356 So what else can I do? 225 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:29,069 Um, you can... help me with the chairs. Okay. 226 00:09:29,153 --> 00:09:33,406 We need a lot of them. They're under the stage right here, so- 227 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,409 It's like dirty and dark there, no? 228 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,244 Yeah, I know. Bummer, right? 229 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,371 Ew! 230 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,666 Off you go. It smells funny, Claire! 231 00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:45,294 So sorry. Keep going. [CLANGING] 232 00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,966 What? We needed chairs. 233 00:09:54,178 --> 00:09:56,179 [SPEAKING SPANISH] 234 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,849 [SPEAKING SPANISH] 235 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,397 What are you guys talking about? 236 00:10:05,481 --> 00:10:10,068 No, nothing. He was just saying how much he loves the tables. [LAUGHS] 237 00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:15,448 If I had the receipt, I wouldn't need you to look it up. 238 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:19,953 At this rate, I'm gonna miss the first dance... at my wedding. 239 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,871 I thought he only had one item? 240 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:25,458 Tell your dad if it were up to me, we'd have been in and out of here in about 10 minutes. 241 00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,293 You mentioned that. And I'll probably mention it again. 242 00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:30,004 Because thanks to someone, we're gonna be here a while. Yeah, I get it. 243 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,966 Luke, you should order that suit in a larger size-I get it. 244 00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:35,385 Because by the time we get out of here-Pay for the suit. 245 00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:38,263 Where the hell are you going? Luke needs socks. 246 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:40,265 Make 'em teal. 247 00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:42,642 You're playing a very dangerous game. 248 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:43,852 Hey, boys. 249 00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:47,147 Look who it is, the guy that stole our parking spot. 250 00:10:47,231 --> 00:10:49,149 Are you going to hit him? I'd totally hit him. 251 00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:52,235 I'm not gonna hit him, but I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. 252 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:55,780 Now, boys, pay attention. You wanna be men? This is how you handle a jerk like this. 253 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,116 Hey, chief. 254 00:10:58,242 --> 00:11:01,494 You know, you stole our parking space today. What? 255 00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:04,205 That's right. I was waiting for the parking space, you sneaked right in there. 256 00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,790 That make you feel like a big man? 257 00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:08,918 Did I? I didn't even notice. That's no excuse. 258 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,920 I'm really sorry. 259 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:14,549 My dog died today. I had to put him to sleep. 260 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:16,301 Fourteen years. 261 00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:18,845 He was all I had. 262 00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:22,224 Now I can't stand the thought of going back to my empty apartment. 263 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,934 So I just keep wandering around the mall. You know what? 264 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,645 Forget about the... spot. 265 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:31,483 [SOBBING] God! That was his name! 266 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:33,402 [SOBBING] 267 00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:35,946 Do not hit him. 268 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,037 Oasis for Men? 269 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,207 That's funny. [CHUCKLES] 270 00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:49,709 You made that sound like a question, then you didn't wait for me to answer. 271 00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:51,377 What? Here, let me show you. 272 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:54,130 You go-You go, "Oasis for... Men?" 273 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,007 You see what I mean? You went "Oasis for... Men?" 274 00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,384 You should have said, "Oasis for Men." Then I go, "Yeah. Give me two." 275 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,303 But instead, you went, "Oasis for... Men." 276 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,888 Okay, I get it. You see what I mean? 277 00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:04,891 I get it! No, I'm not sure you do! You sprayed before "men." 278 00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,435 You went "Oasis for... Men." 279 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:07,936 Okay. Okay. Men. Men. 280 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,062 Okay, stop it. Men! Men! 281 00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,772 Men! Men! Men! Stop it! 282 00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:14,025 Men! Men! Men! Men! Men! Stop it! Stop it! 283 00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:17,654 Men! Men! Men! Men! [SCREAMS] 284 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:32,711 [SIGHS] 285 00:12:32,836 --> 00:12:34,963 Hey, Phil. Hey. 286 00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:37,549 I don't know what happened. 287 00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:41,553 I just-I-I don't know what happened. 288 00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:46,182 Look, I might have come down on you a little bit hard today. I'm sorry. 289 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,434 I remember pretending to go look for some socks. 290 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:52,021 I mean, it's, uh, my fault. I pushed your buttons. 291 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,315 My father-in-law was the same way with me. It was horrible. 292 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,234 Grandpa Lucus? He was a sweetheart. 293 00:12:56,318 --> 00:13:00,446 Yeah, after the stroke mellowed him out good. Before, an animal. 294 00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,115 We named Luke after him. 295 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:03,741 Everything I did was wrong. 296 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,202 If I said it was white, he'd say it was black. 297 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,914 Although he never said anything was black, 'cause he was a pretty big racist. 298 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,166 I wear his watch. I hated him. 299 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,585 Hated him! 300 00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:17,589 And I was thinking, I don't know, 301 00:13:17,673 --> 00:13:21,175 I don't want you to think the same way about me. 302 00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:25,179 You ever think about maybe not being a jerk to me so much? 303 00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:28,182 You see, you got to stop taking that stuff personally. 304 00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,602 I'm like that with everybody. I'm tough. 305 00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:31,769 And mean. 306 00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:33,772 I don't like to take guff. 307 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:37,650 Or people's feelings into consideration. Okay, okay. 308 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:41,195 I can't swear my way is the right way. 309 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,156 I see you smiling, skipping around, 310 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,159 and I think sometimes, I don't know, maybe the boys would be better off... 311 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,870 if they were a little bit more like you. 312 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,083 You know skipping burns more calories than running, that's- 313 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,503 We're done here. 314 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:02,133 Oh, hey, listen. They didn't tell me, but what did you do to that guy? Did you get him? 315 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,469 Yeah. I sprayed him with cologne. I'm sorry I asked. 316 00:14:04,553 --> 00:14:07,889 No, but like a lot of cologne. I just like got way up in there. 317 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,810 Good boy. 318 00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:18,816 Did you find anything yet? Yes. There's a whole section on biting on this mommy forum. 319 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,360 Oh, good. What does it say? 320 00:14:20,444 --> 00:14:23,696 "My son was biting, so I got a stranger to yell at him. 321 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:26,908 Being disciplined by someone else outside the family scared him into stopping." 322 00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,660 Idiots! Cam. 323 00:14:28,744 --> 00:14:32,956 I am not hiring some hobo to come over here and traumatize my child. 324 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,249 She's already prone to flashbacks, if you know what I mean. 325 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,210 Okay, you know she didn't fight in Vietnam, right? 326 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,379 I don't know anything anymore. What else does it say? 327 00:14:39,463 --> 00:14:42,006 Okay, well, this one says, "When my daughter bit her brother," 328 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,217 I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. 329 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:48,638 "She cried and cried, but she never bit again." Smiley face. 330 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:50,640 Oh, well, the smiley face makes it okay. 331 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,267 I waterboarded our toddler. LOL. 332 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:54,936 All right, what do you suggest we do? 333 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:59,524 That we log off the Spanish inquisition web site and handle this with love. 334 00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:01,734 Okay, Lily. 335 00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,904 ♪ Take a bite of an apple ♪ 336 00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:07,907 ♪ Take a bite of a pear ♪ 337 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:13,913 ♪ Take a bite of the cookie that you left over there ♪ 338 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,916 ♪ Here's one thing you should never do ♪ 339 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,253 ♪ Don't bite Taylor or Brandon or Sue ♪ 340 00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:23,673 ♪ Because people aren't food People aren't food ♪ 341 00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:26,884 ♪ Your friends will run away if they're scared of being chewed ♪ 342 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:31,055 ♪ And as a side note, private parts are private ♪♪ 343 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:33,725 Well, problem solved. 344 00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:37,186 I know you're being sarcastic, but you don't know that it's not. Ow! 345 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:38,396 Honey. 346 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:40,106 Did she just bite you again? No. 347 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:43,109 That is it. I am getting the pepper. No. No, you are not. 348 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:46,488 Cam, you're not doing her any favors by being soft. 349 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:50,074 Why don't you just skip the pepper, I'll get some pliers and we'll pull her teeth now! 350 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:53,536 Relax. It's a seasoning. Okay, well, then, why don't you try some? 351 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:54,704 -Stop it. -No, try a little. 352 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,039 Stop it. No, try a little bit. 353 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,582 Stop it. Don't you hit me. 354 00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:00,251 Stop it. Here, put some in there. Ow! You bit me. 355 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,879 Well, why don't you sing me a song about it. 356 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,675 ♪♪ [DANCE] 357 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:17,393 [GASPS] Oh, look at you two in your matching ties. 358 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,395 Don't get me started. Oh, come here. 359 00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,606 [SNIFFS] 360 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,858 Luke, sweetie, are you wearing cologne? No. 361 00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:26,277 Dad attacked the perfume guy and then hugged me. 362 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:27,820 Okay. 363 00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:30,490 I saw the boys in those adorable little suits... 364 00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:33,159 and it made me realize this dance is about them. 365 00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:36,204 It's not about me and my petty little competition with- 366 00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:38,081 with Gloria. 367 00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:39,875 ♪♪ [CONTINUES] 368 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:48,800 Who wears that to a kids' dance? 369 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:52,220 I know. She looks amazing. 370 00:16:52,304 --> 00:16:57,475 Okay, I'm gonna slow things down with a blast from the past for our chaperones. 371 00:16:57,601 --> 00:16:59,978 Give them a hand. ♪♪ [SLOW ROMANTIC] 372 00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:07,611 Oh, my God. 373 00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,572 Oh, it's not a problem. 374 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:15,284 ♪ Now I look into your eyes ♪ 375 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,746 ♪ I can see forever ♪ 376 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:21,208 ♪ The search is over ♪ 377 00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:27,130 Oh. ♪ You were with me all the while ♪ 378 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:30,842 ♪♪ [CONTINUES] 379 00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:34,887 I'm-I'm fine. I'm fine. 380 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,015 I'm fine. [CHUCKLES] 381 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,725 I don't need a paper towel. I'm sorry. I didn't even see you. 382 00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,145 No, of course you didn't. Of course you didn't. 383 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,729 'Cause it's Gloria's night. 384 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:48,318 That's right. It's all about Gloria, Gloria, Gloria. 385 00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:51,863 When you're done getting married, 386 00:17:51,947 --> 00:17:54,366 you need to mop this up a little. 387 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:56,826 What was that? 388 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,703 It's this damn uniform. 389 00:17:58,787 --> 00:18:00,330 ♪♪ [ENDS] 390 00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:07,128 Okay, we need to talk. No, I am fine. I do not need to talk. 391 00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:11,424 Well, you've been pushing me away the whole week. You've been fighting all my ideas. 392 00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:14,093 That's because this is my thing, Gloria. 393 00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,138 Why can't it be my thing too, Claire? 394 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:18,973 Because everything is your thing. 395 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:21,976 This-This is the one thing that was my thing. 396 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:25,438 This is my only thing. Oh, my God. This is my only thing. 397 00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:28,149 And then you come along and you steal my thunder... 398 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:31,152 with your tight dresses and your great ideas. 399 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:35,281 I was the one that all the moms looked up to. I was the only one Gus liked. 400 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:37,867 Please, if you like him so much, you can keep him. 401 00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:40,703 It's not the same now that I know he likes you. 402 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,998 That sounds really insane, but this isn't actually about Gus. 403 00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:46,792 Really? Because you've been talking a lot about him. 404 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,211 Gloria, Gus is a symbol. 405 00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:51,172 A sex symbol? 406 00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:53,466 Oh, stop it, Gloria. I'm already crying. 407 00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,927 Claire, I didn't come here to steal your thunder. 408 00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:58,179 Your thunder is your thunder and my thunder is my thunder. 409 00:18:58,263 --> 00:19:01,891 I know. It's just that God gave you so much thunder. 410 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,893 Yeah, maybe too much. 411 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,145 I hate how those woman look at me. 412 00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:10,066 You think I don't know what they're thinking? "Ah, here comes the hot one... 413 00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,610 with the big boobies that is gonna steal my husband." 414 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:15,488 And maybe they don't let their kids play with Manny. 415 00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:19,992 I volunteer because I want them to see that there is so much more to me. 416 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,869 Why didn't you tell me that? 417 00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:26,666 Maybe for the same reason you didn't tell me you had a weird thing for Gus. 418 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,960 It's embarrassing. Okay. 419 00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:33,923 I am sorry. I made this whole thing into some ridiculous competition, 420 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,134 and I'm pathetic. 421 00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:37,927 You're not pathetic. [SIGHS] 422 00:19:40,638 --> 00:19:42,932 Okay, that's a little bit sad. 423 00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:47,186 PHIL: We like to think we're so smart... 424 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,230 and we have all the answers. 425 00:19:49,314 --> 00:19:52,650 And we want to pass all that on to our children. 426 00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:55,444 But if you scratch beneath the surface, 427 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,155 you don't have to dig very deep to find the kid you were. 428 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:01,367 Which is why it's kinda crazy that now we're raising kids of our own. 429 00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,160 You know what? This is a milestone. 430 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:05,788 We're accepting that our little angel isn't perfect. 431 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,291 That's right, and it's okay. 432 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:12,003 I- I take it back. 433 00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:13,754 She is perfect. [CHUCKLES] 434 00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:15,631 PHIL: I guess that's the real circle of life. 435 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,134 Your parents faked their way through it, 436 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,553 you fake your way through it, 437 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:23,932 and hopefully you don't raise a serial killer. 438 00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:28,352 Ow! 439 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,271 [CHUCKLES] 440 00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,940 That's not funny. 441 00:20:34,984 --> 00:20:37,236 I am so sorry. 442 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,906 No, just come over. We'll watch a movie, put the whole thing behind you. 443 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,492 Okay, see you in a bit. 444 00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:45,870 That was Longines. He's in a very bad place. Oh, no. What happened? 445 00:20:45,954 --> 00:20:48,247 Well, apparently some maniac went crazy at the mall... 446 00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:50,124 and attacked him with Oasis for Men. 447 00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:53,044 Oh, well, I think we all knew that day was coming. 448 00:20:53,128 --> 00:20:55,463 All right, wish me luck. 449 00:20:55,547 --> 00:20:57,256 Good luck. 450 00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:01,302 Okay, honey, please don't hurt daddy. 451 00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:04,973 All right, ahh.