1
00:00:01,896 --> 00:00:03,996
- Morning, mom.
- Good morning, papi.

2
00:00:04,648 --> 00:00:05,768
*** day. Am I right, Jay?

3
00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:08,875
Your days ends at 2:30.

4
00:00:08,910 --> 00:00:10,077
Can't come fast enough.

5
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,200
Quitting time. Am I right, Jay?

6
00:00:11,201 --> 00:00:14,086
Let's not make this a thing.

7
00:00:14,137 --> 00:00:16,688
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this?

8
00:00:16,689 --> 00:00:18,230
Where's my soft-boiled egg?

9
00:00:18,231 --> 00:00:19,440
I scrambled it.

10
00:00:19,441 --> 00:00:21,121
It's good for you
to try new things.

11
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:22,621
I don't want to try new things.

12
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,306
You can't just spring this on me.

13
00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:25,458
I have bad news, Manny.

14
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:27,026
This is not the biggest curve ball

15
00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:28,752
that life is going to throw you.

16
00:00:28,753 --> 00:00:31,363
Buddy, don't close yourself off
from new things.

17
00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,632
I ever tell you the story
about me and crab cakes?

18
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,885
Thought I didn't like them,
tried them, love them.

19
00:00:36,335 --> 00:00:37,203
Wow.

20
00:00:37,237 --> 00:00:39,872
Are the movie rights
available for that one?

21
00:00:41,378 --> 00:00:50,498
Sync by YYeTs
www.addic7ed.com

22
00:00:52,700 --> 00:00:54,891
Dunphy spring classic.

23
00:00:54,892 --> 00:00:57,351
Who's gonna do the dishes
for the next week?

24
00:00:57,352 --> 00:00:59,391
Boys versus girls.

25
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:02,194
Testosterone versus estrogen.

26
00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,762
Standing up to pee
versus the squat.

27
00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:05,397
Phil, come on!

28
00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:11,536
Swing and a miss.

29
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,438
- Ohh.
- He's in her head, Luke.

30
00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:15,273
And boys rule and girls drool.

31
00:01:15,291 --> 00:01:16,959
You drool all the time.

32
00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:18,827
Mom had to take you
to a specialist.

33
00:01:18,878 --> 00:01:20,509
I'm still growing into my tongue.

34
00:01:20,510 --> 00:01:22,543
Hey, mom, can I go
to the movies with Robin?

35
00:01:22,544 --> 00:01:25,472
No, you may not,
'cause you are still grounded.

36
00:01:25,473 --> 00:01:27,121
Then can I be sent to my room?

37
00:01:27,122 --> 00:01:29,083
No, 'cause we're having
some fun family time.

38
00:01:29,118 --> 00:01:30,752
We're gonna spend
this beautiful afternoon

39
00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:33,972
outside in the fresh air,
getting some exercise, okay?

40
00:01:34,491 --> 00:01:35,440
Pitch it, Phil.

41
00:01:42,922 --> 00:01:43,693
Oh, well.

42
00:01:43,694 --> 00:01:44,592
That's the game.

43
00:01:44,593 --> 00:01:45,900
What do you mean?
We just started.

44
00:01:45,934 --> 00:01:47,201
That was our only ball.

45
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:48,369
So what?

46
00:01:48,404 --> 00:01:49,704
The game's over
just because you're afraid

47
00:01:49,738 --> 00:01:50,905
of stupid Mr. Kleezak?

48
00:01:50,939 --> 00:01:52,606
Yep. I'm not going over there.

49
00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:53,549
That was fun.

50
00:01:53,550 --> 00:01:56,960
If Hannibal Lecter and
Freddy Krueger had a love child,

51
00:01:56,961 --> 00:01:58,880
he would be afraid
of our next-door neighbor.

52
00:01:58,914 --> 00:02:00,915
I don't have a mean thing
to say about anyone,

53
00:02:00,949 --> 00:02:03,885
but Mr. Kleezak is...

54
00:02:03,919 --> 00:02:05,853
not a nice person.

55
00:02:05,888 --> 00:02:07,316
Easy, honey.

56
00:02:08,957 --> 00:02:10,892
- Hey, Haley.
- Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.

57
00:02:10,926 --> 00:02:12,677
- Hey, is your mom home?
- No.

58
00:02:12,728 --> 00:02:14,896
She had to take Alex
to the oncologist.

59
00:02:14,930 --> 00:02:16,014
Oh, my God, what's wrong?

60
00:02:16,065 --> 00:02:17,565
She needed new glasses.

61
00:02:17,599 --> 00:02:20,368
- Oh. Did you mean optometrist?
- Whatever.

62
00:02:20,402 --> 00:02:22,203
- So, should I give her a message?
- Yes, yes.

63
00:02:22,237 --> 00:02:23,905
Could you ask her if
she could possibly babysit Lily

64
00:02:23,939 --> 00:02:25,726
on Saturday night?

65
00:02:25,727 --> 00:02:27,375
We'd really, really appreciate it.

66
00:02:27,409 --> 00:02:28,543
Saturday night, we're having dinner

67
00:02:28,577 --> 00:02:29,861
with Pepper, Longinus, and Crispin.

68
00:02:29,912 --> 00:02:31,546
They're our gay friends.

69
00:02:31,613 --> 00:02:33,014
I think that was clear.

70
00:02:33,599 --> 00:02:35,605
I've been spending a lot of time

71
00:02:35,606 --> 00:02:36,984
with a lot of straight people lately.

72
00:02:37,019 --> 00:02:39,962
And, darling, I need
a night with my homies.

73
00:02:39,963 --> 00:02:42,521
- You mean homos.
- Okay. Yeah.

74
00:02:42,522 --> 00:02:44,744
You know what?
Maybe you should stay in and babysit.

75
00:02:45,494 --> 00:02:46,930
Yeah, our babysitter bailed,

76
00:02:46,931 --> 00:02:48,600
and we're kind of in a bind, so...

77
00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:49,917
I can do it. I can watch Lily.

78
00:02:49,918 --> 00:02:51,993
I'm really good. 
I'm babysitting Luke right now.

79
00:02:51,994 --> 00:02:53,170
Oh, yeah?

80
00:02:53,171 --> 00:02:55,056
You want... you want
to babysit Lily?

81
00:02:55,804 --> 00:02:57,772
Oh, well, that's very sweet, honey,

82
00:02:57,790 --> 00:02:59,850
but you're...
you're a very popular girl.

83
00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:01,257
I'm sure you have
better things to do, so...

84
00:03:01,258 --> 00:03:04,380
Oh, seriously, I'm totally free.

85
00:03:04,381 --> 00:03:07,488
Being grounded is so much worse
than it was in the olden days.

86
00:03:07,489 --> 00:03:09,862
My friends text and Facebook
all the fun stuff they're doing

87
00:03:09,863 --> 00:03:12,551
while I'm stuck at home
playing jenga with my dad.

88
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:17,044
Are you serious?

89
00:03:17,045 --> 00:03:18,332
You don't even have to pay me.

90
00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:20,009
I promise I'll take
super good care of her.

91
00:03:20,010 --> 00:03:22,549
Okay, well, that would be great.
Thank you.

92
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,346
Yes, well, we'll see you
on Saturday night.

93
00:03:24,347 --> 00:03:25,951
Bye, sweetie. Bye.

94
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:28,613
Luke?

95
00:03:30,808 --> 00:03:31,859
Luke?

96
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:35,267
What are you thinking?!

97
00:03:35,318 --> 00:03:37,646
Haley is a very sweet
and fashionable girl,

98
00:03:37,647 --> 00:03:40,256
but seems hardly
a responsible caregiver!

99
00:03:40,257 --> 00:03:41,823
Well, you know what?
We needed a sitter.

100
00:03:41,858 --> 00:03:43,559
She's family.
I say we give her a shot.

101
00:03:43,593 --> 00:03:45,428
A shot? Oh, with our only child?

102
00:03:45,429 --> 00:03:46,127
Sure, why not?

103
00:03:46,145 --> 00:03:47,021
If something goes wrong,

104
00:03:47,022 --> 00:03:49,800
we'll just pop over to the orient
and grab another one.

105
00:03:59,526 --> 00:04:00,161
What?

106
00:04:00,162 --> 00:04:02,848
My name is Luke Dunphy.
I live next door.

107
00:04:02,849 --> 00:04:03,742
What do you want?

108
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,501
I want to get our ball
from your yard.

109
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,352
I don't want you messing
around back there.

110
00:04:08,353 --> 00:04:10,143
Just go home.

111
00:04:10,576 --> 00:04:11,999
- Are you going scuba diving?
- Hmm?

112
00:04:12,017 --> 00:04:13,944
Why do you have that tank?

113
00:04:14,402 --> 00:04:15,669
You being smart?

114
00:04:16,261 --> 00:04:18,872
You mean in school?
Well, I do okay.

115
00:04:18,907 --> 00:04:21,493
My teacher says I get distracted.

116
00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:23,320
Why do you have
that tube in your nose?

117
00:04:23,321 --> 00:04:24,484
For fun.

118
00:04:24,485 --> 00:04:26,372
Really? Can I try?

119
00:04:26,373 --> 00:04:28,137
It's oxygen.

120
00:04:28,138 --> 00:04:30,784
We have that in our house,
but we don't need tanks.

121
00:04:30,819 --> 00:04:33,237
Oh, for God's sake,
just get your ball.

122
00:04:33,288 --> 00:04:34,405
Okay.

123
00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:44,001
Oh my God!

124
00:04:44,002 --> 00:04:45,380
I was watching the news,

125
00:04:45,381 --> 00:04:49,139
and another flock of birds
fell out of the sky dead.

126
00:04:49,140 --> 00:04:50,274
What is happening?

127
00:04:50,308 --> 00:04:52,809
Sweetie, you got to stop
watching the news.

128
00:04:52,844 --> 00:04:56,446
That's your big solution...
embrace ignorance?

129
00:04:56,481 --> 00:04:57,831
What are you two arguing about?

130
00:04:57,882 --> 00:04:59,132
Never mind, I don't want to know.

131
00:05:00,284 --> 00:05:01,418
Be back in a couple hours.

132
00:05:01,452 --> 00:05:02,752
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where you going?

133
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:04,888
To my friend Walt's house
to watch "High noon."

134
00:05:04,906 --> 00:05:07,586
Ooh, I love westerns...
the bloodier, the better.

135
00:05:07,587 --> 00:05:09,282
That's my favorite type of movie...

136
00:05:09,283 --> 00:05:10,911
That and anything set
against the backdrop

137
00:05:10,912 --> 00:05:12,237
of competitive cheerleading.

138
00:05:12,238 --> 00:05:14,498
Is Walt the one
who's always skateboarding?

139
00:05:14,532 --> 00:05:16,516
No. Where would
he put his oxygen tank?

140
00:05:16,551 --> 00:05:18,402
Okay, now I'm really confused.

141
00:05:18,436 --> 00:05:20,037
You sound like Walt.

142
00:05:20,071 --> 00:05:22,264
He gets confused a lot.
It's hilarious.

143
00:05:22,265 --> 00:05:24,741
- Wait, are we talking about Mr. Kleezak?
- Yeah.

144
00:05:24,776 --> 00:05:27,053
I went over to his house
to get my ball,

145
00:05:27,054 --> 00:05:28,927
and we've been hanging out.

146
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,887
You were in Mr. Kleezak's house?

147
00:05:30,888 --> 00:05:32,324
Luke, that is not okay.

148
00:05:32,325 --> 00:05:33,335
Why not?

149
00:05:33,336 --> 00:05:35,362
He's really nice and funny.

150
00:05:35,363 --> 00:05:36,630
Listen to this joke.

151
00:05:36,665 --> 00:05:38,816
Okay, two krauts walk into a bar.

152
00:05:38,850 --> 00:05:39,783
Phil, this is not good.

153
00:05:39,818 --> 00:05:40,934
Honey, don't jump to conclusions.

154
00:05:40,952 --> 00:05:42,236
Let him finish the joke.

155
00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:43,504
And one of them has a limp.

156
00:05:43,538 --> 00:05:46,740
Uh-huh. You may not go back
to that man's house.

157
00:05:46,775 --> 00:05:49,345
- Why not?
- Because... he's weird.

158
00:05:49,346 --> 00:05:51,005
- And not very nice.
- Yeah.

159
00:05:51,006 --> 00:05:53,324
That's what you said
about my friend Oliver.

160
00:05:53,359 --> 00:05:55,076
Oliver. Oliver who almost
burned down our garage?

161
00:05:55,111 --> 00:05:58,413
He likes to melt stuff.
Like you're so perfect.

162
00:05:58,447 --> 00:05:59,914
Luke, I'm sorry,
but your mother and I

163
00:05:59,949 --> 00:06:01,249
just aren't comfortable with this.

164
00:06:01,283 --> 00:06:02,250
That's so unfair.

165
00:06:02,284 --> 00:06:03,284
You don't even know him

166
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,353
'cause you're too afraid
to talk to him.

167
00:06:05,387 --> 00:06:06,554
Buddy, we're just
looking out for you.

168
00:06:06,572 --> 00:06:08,740
You never like any of my friends.

169
00:06:12,529 --> 00:06:13,684
We're doing the right thing.

170
00:06:13,685 --> 00:06:14,857
Absolutely.

171
00:06:16,437 --> 00:06:17,148
Aren't we?

172
00:06:17,149 --> 00:06:19,531
I don't know.
I mean, he makes a point.

173
00:06:19,532 --> 00:06:20,883
We don't know the man,

174
00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:24,052
and little kids can be friends
with old people, right?

175
00:06:24,087 --> 00:06:25,721
Of course they can.
There's tons of examples.

176
00:06:25,755 --> 00:06:28,957
"Up," um, "Gran Torino," "True grit."

177
00:06:28,991 --> 00:06:31,176
Cartoon, kills himself,
she loses an arm.

178
00:06:31,211 --> 00:06:32,974
We've got to go
talk to that guy.

179
00:06:32,975 --> 00:06:34,122
- Now?
- Yeah.

180
00:06:34,123 --> 00:06:35,898
It's so dark.

181
00:06:37,075 --> 00:06:39,243
Okay, so, the numbers
are by the phone.

182
00:06:39,244 --> 00:06:40,223
There's food in the fridge.

183
00:06:40,224 --> 00:06:42,513
I just changed her diaper,
so all you need to do

184
00:06:42,514 --> 00:06:43,890
is put her down
in about a half-hour

185
00:06:43,891 --> 00:06:45,875
and not let a serial killer
in the front door.

186
00:06:45,876 --> 00:06:46,816
Well, what if he's cute?

187
00:06:46,817 --> 00:06:48,716
Then save him for us.

188
00:06:50,384 --> 00:06:51,969
Nobody in, nobody out.

189
00:06:51,970 --> 00:06:53,450
Oh, we're gonna be totally fine.

190
00:06:53,451 --> 00:06:55,526
You just go get your gay on.

191
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,834
Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong.

192
00:06:58,496 --> 00:07:00,797
Well, clearly it's not on yet,
but it will be.

193
00:07:00,815 --> 00:07:01,958
- Thanks.
- So, okay, come on. Let's go.

194
00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:02,767
I'm telling you, kid,

195
00:07:02,768 --> 00:07:04,690
this is a concert
you're never gonna forget.

196
00:07:05,070 --> 00:07:06,036
Mm-hmm.

197
00:07:06,071 --> 00:07:07,164
Greatest music in the world.

198
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,627
Wait a minute.
What's this?

199
00:07:10,809 --> 00:07:11,942
What do you mean?

200
00:07:11,976 --> 00:07:13,343
What are we seeing?

201
00:07:13,378 --> 00:07:15,312
- The symphony "The four seasons."
- I thought we were seeing

202
00:07:15,346 --> 00:07:16,764
Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

203
00:07:16,798 --> 00:07:18,482
- No.
- No, it's Vivaldi.

204
00:07:18,516 --> 00:07:20,951
Oh, crap. You mean
nothing but instruments?

205
00:07:20,985 --> 00:07:22,386
- I'm out of here.
- No, you're not out. You're in.

206
00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:23,487
I hate this kind of music.

207
00:07:23,505 --> 00:07:24,488
Jay, you always do that.

208
00:07:24,522 --> 00:07:26,607
Every time we try something new,

209
00:07:26,658 --> 00:07:27,977
your first reaction is always no.

210
00:07:27,978 --> 00:07:29,084
It's 'cause I'm old enough

211
00:07:29,085 --> 00:07:30,271
to know what I like
and what I don't like.

212
00:07:30,272 --> 00:07:31,628
What about the crab cakes?

213
00:07:31,663 --> 00:07:32,428
That was a fluke.

214
00:07:32,429 --> 00:07:35,289
And I can't slather that
boring music in tartar sauce.

215
00:07:35,290 --> 00:07:37,872
So I have to try new things,

216
00:07:37,873 --> 00:07:40,694
like scrambled eggs,
but you don't have to?

217
00:07:40,695 --> 00:07:41,472
You see what you're doing?

218
00:07:41,506 --> 00:07:43,240
You're tearing this family apart.

219
00:07:43,274 --> 00:07:45,275
Let's take it down a notch.
You two go in.

220
00:07:45,310 --> 00:07:47,211
Have a great time.
I'll see you later.

221
00:07:47,245 --> 00:07:48,378
What are you going to do?

222
00:07:48,412 --> 00:07:50,297
I'm gonna walk like a man,
fast as I can,

223
00:07:50,348 --> 00:07:51,381
to that bar over there.

224
00:07:51,415 --> 00:07:52,850
And if you knew Frankie Valli,

225
00:07:52,884 --> 00:07:54,351
you'd be cracking up right now.

226
00:07:55,803 --> 00:07:57,546
It's okay.

227
00:08:00,258 --> 00:08:02,471
I'm telling you,
John Schneider was the one!

228
00:08:02,472 --> 00:08:04,754
John Schneider,
from "The Dukes of Hazzard"?

229
00:08:04,755 --> 00:08:05,933
That was your first crush?

230
00:08:05,934 --> 00:08:08,586
Oh, my God, yes.
Bo Duke... delicious.

231
00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:11,668
He was a redneck who drove
a car called the General Lee

232
00:08:11,703 --> 00:08:12,920
with a giant confederate flag on it.

233
00:08:12,971 --> 00:08:14,972
That wasn't a turn-off for you?

234
00:08:15,006 --> 00:08:16,240
Look, I know it was
all kinds of wrong,

235
00:08:16,274 --> 00:08:17,608
but the heart wants
what the heart wants.

236
00:08:17,642 --> 00:08:19,276
Richard Gere. Oh, my God.

237
00:08:19,310 --> 00:08:23,101
I'll be the officer.
Don't be a gentleman.

238
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:25,644
Montgomery Clift.

239
00:08:25,826 --> 00:08:26,670
Who?

240
00:08:26,671 --> 00:08:28,343
Don't do that, Crispin.
You're not that young.

241
00:08:28,344 --> 00:08:31,759
Anyway, my crush was gay.
At least I had a shot.

242
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,047
You had a shot with Montgomery Clift?
How old are you?

243
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:38,433
I will cut you like
it was nothing, farm boy.

244
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:39,556
Ooh!

245
00:08:39,557 --> 00:08:40,971
Oh, see, I miss this.

246
00:08:40,972 --> 00:08:42,185
Wait. What about you, Mitchell?

247
00:08:42,186 --> 00:08:44,658
Um, okay, well, I...
I didn't know it was a crush

248
00:08:44,659 --> 00:08:45,903
because I was only 8 at the time.

249
00:08:45,904 --> 00:08:46,929
I knew when I was 8.

250
00:08:46,930 --> 00:08:48,446
Everyone knew when you were 8.

251
00:08:48,497 --> 00:08:51,099
Longinus, get up.
We're switching seats.

252
00:08:51,967 --> 00:08:54,352
Okay, okay, back to me,
back to me, back to me.

253
00:08:54,386 --> 00:08:56,871
So, I had just seen
"St. Elmo's fire," and...

254
00:08:56,905 --> 00:08:58,673
Oh, Mitchell, look,
it's your father.

255
00:08:58,707 --> 00:08:59,958
Oh.

256
00:09:00,009 --> 00:09:02,143
Ooh. That's your father?
He's cute.

257
00:09:02,177 --> 00:09:04,746
Okay, can you please
turn it off for one second?

258
00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:06,214
Ooh, he's all alone.
Invite him over.

259
00:09:06,248 --> 00:09:08,216
Yeah, that's not
something we're gonna do.

260
00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:10,051
Relax, your dad knows you're gay.

261
00:09:10,085 --> 00:09:11,169
He doesn't know I'm this gay.

262
00:09:11,203 --> 00:09:13,391
Excuse us?

263
00:09:13,392 --> 00:09:14,222
Oh, Mr. Pritchett!

264
00:09:14,256 --> 00:09:16,357
- Jay! Jay!
- Yoo-hoo!

265
00:09:16,391 --> 00:09:19,794
Oh, he looks like that dentist
you hooked up with in Laguna.

266
00:09:19,828 --> 00:09:21,495
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was in my daddy phase.

267
00:09:21,513 --> 00:09:23,654
Yes, please, keep this up.
This is fun for me.

268
00:09:24,237 --> 00:09:25,483
- Fellas, how you doing?
- Hey, dad.

269
00:09:25,534 --> 00:09:27,329
- Hi, Jay.
- Hello, daddy.

270
00:09:28,351 --> 00:09:29,462
What are you doing here?

271
00:09:29,463 --> 00:09:31,827
I'm just getting a drink
while Gloria and Manny see a show.

272
00:09:31,828 --> 00:09:34,063
- Well, please join us.
- No, I don't want to intrude.

273
00:09:34,064 --> 00:09:36,042
- He doesn't want to intrude.
- You are not intruding.

274
00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:36,991
I'm just gonna watch
the game at the bar.

275
00:09:36,992 --> 00:09:38,126
He just wants to watch
the game at the bar, so...

276
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:40,861
Oh, sit down. We're up
by 25 with a minute to go.

277
00:09:40,862 --> 00:09:41,863
Well, maybe just for a minute.

278
00:09:41,898 --> 00:09:43,532
Okay.

279
00:09:54,215 --> 00:09:56,288
So, what does a guy got to do
to get a drink around here?

280
00:09:56,289 --> 00:09:57,437
Nobody say anything.

281
00:10:00,025 --> 00:10:02,473
Justin, more booze.

282
00:10:02,474 --> 00:10:04,047
Oh, Mitchell was
just about to tell us

283
00:10:04,048 --> 00:10:06,081
who his first boy crush was.

284
00:10:06,116 --> 00:10:08,117
- No, no, I wasn't.
- Let me bring you up to speed.

285
00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:11,036
Crispin's was Joey McIntyre...
whoever that is.

286
00:10:11,087 --> 00:10:13,222
Longinus said John Schneider.

287
00:10:13,256 --> 00:10:14,490
Your name is Longinus?

288
00:10:14,524 --> 00:10:16,992
I know. I never stood a chance.

289
00:10:17,026 --> 00:10:18,794
Cam's was Richard Gere,
and I was Monty Clift.

290
00:10:18,828 --> 00:10:21,897
Well, at least yours was gay.
I mean, you might've had a shot.

291
00:10:21,931 --> 00:10:23,365
Thank you.

292
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,234
Crispin, up.
I'm sitting next to this one.

293
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:29,680
Welcome.

294
00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:31,998
He's right there.

295
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:32,930
All right.

296
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,675
Mr. Kleezak? Mr. Kleezak?

297
00:10:41,676 --> 00:10:42,681
It's open.

298
00:10:42,682 --> 00:10:45,078
Honey, he's not moving.
Is he okay?

299
00:10:45,079 --> 00:10:48,364
Well, there's only one way to find out.

300
00:10:57,048 --> 00:10:59,015
Mr. Kleezak?

301
00:11:00,629 --> 00:11:01,563
Mr. Kleezak?

302
00:11:01,597 --> 00:11:02,764
Okay, look.

303
00:11:02,798 --> 00:11:04,666
I... I don't know
if he's breathing.

304
00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:05,867
Does he have a pulse?

305
00:11:05,901 --> 00:11:08,019
Well, there's only
one way to find out.

306
00:11:08,104 --> 00:11:10,004
Would you stop pushing me?
You do it.

307
00:11:10,022 --> 00:11:11,506
I hate this.

308
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:13,122
I'm gonna kill Luke.

309
00:11:16,645 --> 00:11:18,246
Oh, my God. He's ice-cold.

310
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,247
Hey!

311
00:11:19,281 --> 00:11:21,966
- Oh, my God!
- Ugh!

312
00:11:22,946 --> 00:11:25,631
I'm sorry. We thought there was
something wrong with you.

313
00:11:25,665 --> 00:11:26,882
Sorry. What?!

314
00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:29,000
We thought there was
something wrong with you!

315
00:11:29,018 --> 00:11:30,502
Phil.

316
00:11:30,537 --> 00:11:31,653
Hi.

317
00:11:31,721 --> 00:11:34,606
We haven't, uh, formally met.
Phil Dunphy.

318
00:11:34,624 --> 00:11:35,563
Yeah, I know you.

319
00:11:35,564 --> 00:11:38,210
You're the guy who just broke
into my house and fondled me.

320
00:11:38,228 --> 00:11:40,512
No. No. We were just concerned
that you looked dead.

321
00:11:40,563 --> 00:11:42,030
No offense.

322
00:11:42,064 --> 00:11:43,498
Well, what... what... what...
what are you doing here?

323
00:11:43,532 --> 00:11:45,800
Oh, um, our son, Luke, told us

324
00:11:45,835 --> 00:11:48,436
that you invited him
over here to watch movies,

325
00:11:48,471 --> 00:11:50,522
and I'm sure you could understand

326
00:11:50,556 --> 00:11:52,991
why we would...
be concerned about that.

327
00:11:53,025 --> 00:11:54,826
No. Phil.

328
00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:57,028
- You're doing great.
- Honey.

329
00:11:57,079 --> 00:11:59,247
Wait, are you saying
that I'm some kind of pervert?

330
00:11:59,281 --> 00:12:01,416
- No.
- Probably...Not.

331
00:12:01,450 --> 00:12:03,418
Look, I didn't ask him
to come over here.

332
00:12:03,452 --> 00:12:06,588
I was minding my own business,
like you should be.

333
00:12:06,622 --> 00:12:07,856
Okay.

334
00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:11,276
But in all fairness,
our son is our business.

335
00:12:11,277 --> 00:12:12,994
Well, then, keep him.

336
00:12:13,028 --> 00:12:16,497
And keep your daughter
from driving into my garbage cans.

337
00:12:16,532 --> 00:12:17,999
I...

338
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:19,334
And keep your blinds closed

339
00:12:19,368 --> 00:12:21,836
when you're doing
your little sexy dance.

340
00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:25,173
Oh, God, he's seen my sexy dance.

341
00:12:30,142 --> 00:12:32,193
So... I'm 12 years old,
and I'm staying over night

342
00:12:32,194 --> 00:12:33,878
at my best friend Jim's house,

343
00:12:33,912 --> 00:12:35,396
and neither one of us
want to go to sleep.

344
00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:36,464
I know where this is going.

345
00:12:36,515 --> 00:12:37,882
You're better than that, Crispin.

346
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:41,369
So, we sneak off to the movies,

347
00:12:41,403 --> 00:12:44,605
and we see this little picture
called "Solomon and Sheba."

348
00:12:44,656 --> 00:12:46,290
And Sheba was...

349
00:12:46,324 --> 00:12:47,842
- Gina Lollobrigida!-  Gina Lollobrigida!
- Bingo!

350
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:49,527
And for the rest of my life,
I swore, one day,

351
00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:51,450
I would marry Gina Lollobrigida.

352
00:12:51,451 --> 00:12:52,585
Well, dad, you kind of did.

353
00:12:52,619 --> 00:12:54,186
I hear that!

354
00:12:55,288 --> 00:12:57,389
Mmm. These are good.
What's in them?

355
00:12:57,407 --> 00:12:59,358
It's a margarita
with a shot of absinthe.

356
00:12:59,376 --> 00:13:01,427
Absinthe makes
the heart grow fonder.

357
00:13:01,461 --> 00:13:04,030
Ohh, are you making
a bad pun or just lisping?

358
00:13:04,064 --> 00:13:05,965
I can't believe I drove
all the way to the Valley

359
00:13:05,999 --> 00:13:07,433
to pick you up.

360
00:13:08,516 --> 00:13:10,517
Justin, more booze!

361
00:13:10,551 --> 00:13:11,500
Oh!

362
00:13:13,498 --> 00:13:15,976
Haley, hi. Is... is everything okay?

363
00:13:15,977 --> 00:13:16,959
Yeah, why?

364
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,497
Because I just saw a man
walk through the living room.

365
00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:21,415
What? Where are you?

366
00:13:21,433 --> 00:13:24,218
I can see through
the camera on the computer.

367
00:13:24,253 --> 00:13:25,820
You're spying on me?
Oh, my God.

368
00:13:25,838 --> 00:13:28,439
Oh, my God.
That is so lame.

369
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,491
Look, I don't know
what you think you saw...

370
00:13:30,526 --> 00:13:33,038
Maybe the TV, or the reflection,

371
00:13:33,039 --> 00:13:35,002
or maybe you think that my body's
just shaped like a boy,

372
00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:36,364
like I don't have hips or something.

373
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:39,008
No, no, no, no.
You have a... a darling figure.

374
00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:40,902
I was just concerned that...

375
00:13:40,936 --> 00:13:42,885
That hurts so much.

376
00:13:42,886 --> 00:13:45,263
This is the kind of thing
that I expect from my mother,

377
00:13:45,264 --> 00:13:46,841
but not from my cool uncle,

378
00:13:46,842 --> 00:13:49,474
so thank you for all of your trust.

379
00:13:49,475 --> 00:13:51,763
Okay, I'm... sorry. Sorry.

380
00:13:53,088 --> 00:13:54,579
Unbelievable.

381
00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,171
You got to go.

382
00:13:56,172 --> 00:13:58,379
Okay.

383
00:14:09,273 --> 00:14:10,874
Yeah. All right.

384
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,251
Thank you. Thank you.

385
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:15,787
Dad, I've never
seen you sing before.

386
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,222
Well, you never
saw me in the shower.

387
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:18,623
And don't anybody go there.

388
00:14:20,122 --> 00:14:21,591
When I was 12 years old,

389
00:14:21,592 --> 00:14:24,443
my father walked into my bedroom
and caught me doing

390
00:14:24,444 --> 00:14:27,580
the most embarrassing thing
that a boy can do...

391
00:14:27,614 --> 00:14:30,449
dancing to Madonna's "Lucky star."

392
00:14:30,484 --> 00:14:33,273
And from that moment on,

393
00:14:33,274 --> 00:14:35,578
there's always been a part of me
that I've kept from him.

394
00:14:35,579 --> 00:14:36,912
And yet, yeah, here he was,

395
00:14:36,947 --> 00:14:38,681
you know, laughing with my friends.

396
00:14:38,715 --> 00:14:40,716
And... I don't know.

397
00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:43,252
Maybe the problem was me.

398
00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:46,371
Rob Lowe.

399
00:14:46,372 --> 00:14:47,371
- Where? - Where?
- Where? - Where?

400
00:14:47,405 --> 00:14:48,872
No, no, Rob Lowe
from "St. Elmo's fire."

401
00:14:48,906 --> 00:14:51,519
That was... that was my crush.
I loved him.

402
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,171
I get that.
He was a good-looking kid.

403
00:14:53,205 --> 00:14:54,906
- Mm-hmm. - Right?
- Yeah.

404
00:14:54,940 --> 00:14:57,058
Hey, "Walk like a man"?

405
00:14:57,093 --> 00:14:58,660
Well, I can sing it,
but I can't do it.

406
00:15:03,516 --> 00:15:05,616
I think I just pulled something!

407
00:15:05,835 --> 00:15:09,385
- Ow!
- Nurse!

408
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:17,469
Hello?

409
00:15:17,620 --> 00:15:19,404
Please tell me that
you have my shoes.

410
00:15:19,439 --> 00:15:20,989
Why would I have your shoes?

411
00:15:21,024 --> 00:15:23,292
Because I left them
at your uncles's house last night.

412
00:15:23,343 --> 00:15:26,513
What? How could you
leave without your shoes?

413
00:15:26,514 --> 00:15:28,915
I go a lot of places without shoes.

414
00:15:28,950 --> 00:15:30,851
I'm not wearing shoes right now.

415
00:15:30,885 --> 00:15:31,871
Oh, wait.

416
00:15:31,872 --> 00:15:34,365
That's 'cause I left them
at your uncles's house.

417
00:15:34,366 --> 00:15:36,717
This is a disaster!

418
00:15:36,752 --> 00:15:38,536
Well, maybe they'll think
they're theirs.

419
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:41,105
They're gay.
They know what shoes they own.

420
00:15:43,592 --> 00:15:45,092
Thanks a lot, Walt.

421
00:15:45,143 --> 00:15:47,344
You couldn't be nice
to my parents for two seconds,

422
00:15:47,379 --> 00:15:49,346
so now I'm not allowed
to hang out with you.

423
00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:50,548
What do you want from me?

424
00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:52,016
I thought you were my friend.

425
00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:54,696
You promised to teach me
how to grow tomatoes,

426
00:15:54,697 --> 00:15:56,648
and you were gonna
take me for an egg cream.

427
00:15:56,682 --> 00:15:59,200
Forget it. You're a little kid.

428
00:15:59,235 --> 00:16:00,979
I don't need the aggravation.

429
00:16:00,980 --> 00:16:03,545
Oh, sorry I "aggravated" you.

430
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:06,949
And, just so you know,
a lot of people think I'm adorable.

431
00:16:14,658 --> 00:16:16,258
I can't open this.

432
00:16:16,293 --> 00:16:19,365
Maybe if you had gone
to the concert instead...

433
00:16:19,366 --> 00:16:20,833
Could you open it, please?

434
00:16:20,884 --> 00:16:22,752
I would, but I'm old enough to know

435
00:16:22,786 --> 00:16:25,496
that I don't like
opening aspirin bottles.

436
00:16:28,206 --> 00:16:28,865
Hello?

437
00:16:28,866 --> 00:16:31,075
- Hey, dad!
- How do you guys do it?

438
00:16:31,076 --> 00:16:33,628
I thought cops could drink.

439
00:16:33,662 --> 00:16:35,363
Listen, I just...
I wanted to say I had

440
00:16:35,397 --> 00:16:37,732
such a good time with you
last night, and I wanted to...

441
00:16:37,766 --> 00:16:39,634
- Hey, hold on. I got call waiting.
- Yeah.

442
00:16:40,990 --> 00:16:41,555
Yeah?

443
00:16:41,556 --> 00:16:44,957
Woof, not a morning person.
Good to know.

444
00:16:44,992 --> 00:16:46,459
Listen, I'm five away.

445
00:16:46,493 --> 00:16:49,295
I hope you like blueberry scones
and dusty Springfield.

446
00:16:49,329 --> 00:16:51,314
- Who is this?
- Pepper, silly.

447
00:16:51,348 --> 00:16:52,932
It's gonna be a scorcher
in the desert today,

448
00:16:52,966 --> 00:16:54,700
so dress accordingly.

449
00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:57,170
Oh, this is your street.
See you in a minute.

450
00:16:59,306 --> 00:17:00,893
Holy crap!

451
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:02,428
That friend of yours, that Pepper.

452
00:17:02,462 --> 00:17:03,996
He's on his way over here. Why?

453
00:17:04,031 --> 00:17:06,132
Well, you made a date with him
last night. Don't you remember?

454
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:08,869
I think I would remember
if I made a date with a guy!

455
00:17:08,870 --> 00:17:11,022
I'm telling you, I know
a guy in Palm Springs

456
00:17:11,056 --> 00:17:13,641
who has every single
vintage record known to man.

457
00:17:13,675 --> 00:17:16,077
I'm driving out there tomorrow.
Come with me.

458
00:17:16,111 --> 00:17:17,044
It's a date!

459
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,446
All right!

460
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,947
- Yay! - Yay!
- Yay! - Yay!

461
00:17:19,981 --> 00:17:20,998
I was drunk.

462
00:17:21,033 --> 00:17:21,966
I'm not going shopping

463
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,651
with Priscilla, Queen of the desert.

464
00:17:23,685 --> 00:17:24,919
Okay, dad.

465
00:17:24,953 --> 00:17:26,253
Well, I'm feeling really good
about our relationship,

466
00:17:26,288 --> 00:17:28,222
and I want to hold on to that
for a little while longer,

467
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,790
so I'm gonna go ahead
and hang up with you.

468
00:17:29,858 --> 00:17:32,452
Give Pepper a big kiss for me.

469
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,294
Gloria, now, listen.

470
00:17:36,295 --> 00:17:38,096
I know that you're upset with me
about that concert thing,

471
00:17:38,130 --> 00:17:41,296
and rightfully so,
but you have to help me.

472
00:17:41,297 --> 00:17:41,936
What is it?

473
00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,703
It seems I made plans
with Mitchell's friend Pepper.

474
00:17:44,704 --> 00:17:46,104
That's someone's name? Pepper?

475
00:17:46,138 --> 00:17:47,996
Yes, and that's just
the tip of the iceberg.

476
00:17:47,997 --> 00:17:49,430
There's another guy
named Longinus.

477
00:17:49,465 --> 00:17:51,349
But Pepper's gonna
be here any second.

478
00:17:51,383 --> 00:17:53,051
He's gonna take me to Palm Springs

479
00:17:53,085 --> 00:17:54,502
to go shopping for records.

480
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:55,770
Now, when he gets here,

481
00:17:55,804 --> 00:17:58,398
can you pretend there's
some kind of an emergency?

482
00:17:58,399 --> 00:17:59,649
Can you do that, please?

483
00:17:59,683 --> 00:18:01,501
Ay, Jay!

484
00:18:01,502 --> 00:18:04,037
I... I think you'll have
to take me now to the hospital.

485
00:18:04,071 --> 00:18:05,972
My head is in pain.

486
00:18:07,424 --> 00:18:10,809
- Do you mean like that?
- Yes, thank you.

487
00:18:10,844 --> 00:18:11,497
Okay, it's showtime.

488
00:18:11,498 --> 00:18:13,749
And with this guy,
I mean that literally.

489
00:18:16,019 --> 00:18:17,671
I'm here!

490
00:18:18,191 --> 00:18:19,758
Oh, my God.

491
00:18:19,809 --> 00:18:21,727
What I could do with this house.

492
00:18:21,761 --> 00:18:22,878
Hello, Jay.

493
00:18:22,912 --> 00:18:24,530
Mwah. Mwah.

494
00:18:24,614 --> 00:18:25,998
Chop, chop... it's a two-hour drive,

495
00:18:26,049 --> 00:18:27,649
not counting our stop
at the outlet mall.

496
00:18:27,684 --> 00:18:30,285
Oh, okay.
Um, Gloria, we're leaving!

497
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,205
Hello. You must be Pepper.

498
00:18:33,256 --> 00:18:34,273
Ay, ay, ay.

499
00:18:34,307 --> 00:18:35,891
- My head.
- What's the matter, Gloria?

500
00:18:35,925 --> 00:18:37,376
Oh, nothing.

501
00:18:37,427 --> 00:18:39,795
- I just had a little ice cream.
- Huh?

502
00:18:39,829 --> 00:18:42,197
He hasn't stopped talking
about you all day long.

503
00:18:42,231 --> 00:18:44,133
Why... wow.

504
00:18:44,167 --> 00:18:45,901
You are stunning.

505
00:18:45,935 --> 00:18:47,968
How rich are you?

506
00:18:47,969 --> 00:18:49,837
Are you sure
you're all right, Gloria?

507
00:18:49,871 --> 00:18:51,455
I feel great, mi amor.

508
00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:53,224
I am so happy that
he's doing this with you,

509
00:18:53,275 --> 00:18:55,709
because I never get him
to do anything different,

510
00:18:55,744 --> 00:18:58,179
like the Vivaldi, hmm?

511
00:18:58,213 --> 00:19:00,814
I think he likes you more than me.

512
00:19:00,849 --> 00:19:02,449
You two have
a great time together.

513
00:19:02,484 --> 00:19:03,767
All right, but we got
to be back early,

514
00:19:03,802 --> 00:19:05,135
because, you know,
I got that work thing.

515
00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:07,922
No, no, I canceled everything.
You don't have anything.

516
00:19:07,956 --> 00:19:09,890
You can spend all day long with him.

517
00:19:09,908 --> 00:19:12,901
Wonderful.
Well, shall we?

518
00:19:15,664 --> 00:19:18,732
Oh, my God. Tallulah! Oh!

519
00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:21,903
Don't worry. She'll stop yapping
when she gets on your lap.

520
00:19:27,510 --> 00:19:30,245
Alex, honey, come on.
We're gonna be late.

521
00:19:31,397 --> 00:19:33,586
A herd of cows
dropped dead for no reason.

522
00:19:33,587 --> 00:19:35,068
I'm not going anywhere.

523
00:19:35,069 --> 00:19:37,519
Get your affairs in order, people.
This is the end.

524
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:41,164
Don't be ridiculous.
There's nothing out there to be afraid of.

525
00:19:41,165 --> 00:19:42,326
- Hey! Oh.
- Oh!

526
00:19:42,327 --> 00:19:43,314
Mr. Kleezak.

527
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:46,317
I'm not used to waking up
with people poking me.

528
00:19:46,351 --> 00:19:47,985
I was startled, you know.

529
00:19:48,019 --> 00:19:49,895
We're really sorry about that.

530
00:19:49,896 --> 00:19:50,896
Yeah, well...

531
00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:54,466
these are onions from my garden.

532
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:56,418
Wow. Thank you so much.

533
00:19:56,469 --> 00:19:58,020
That is so nice.

534
00:19:58,054 --> 00:19:59,805
Yeah, well, don't go
throwing any parades.

535
00:19:59,839 --> 00:20:00,973
They're onions.

536
00:20:01,007 --> 00:20:02,625
Uh-huh. Okay?

537
00:20:05,962 --> 00:20:08,230
I used to be a fireman, you know.

538
00:20:08,265 --> 00:20:10,416
I don't hurt kids.

539
00:20:13,452 --> 00:20:15,472
Sir, would you like to come in?

540
00:20:16,574 --> 00:20:20,193
Just tell the boy that "Shane"
is on today at 3:00.

541
00:20:20,227 --> 00:20:21,227
He should watch it.

542
00:20:21,278 --> 00:20:22,896
Maybe you could tell him yourself.

543
00:20:22,947 --> 00:20:24,230
He's... he's right upstairs.
Hang on.

544
00:20:24,281 --> 00:20:25,281
Luke, honey, come on down!

545
00:20:25,316 --> 00:20:27,617
Your friend... Walt is here.

546
00:20:27,651 --> 00:20:30,519
- This is just so sweet.
- Yeah.

547
00:20:30,538 --> 00:20:32,188
Well, just don't start dancing.

548
00:20:32,206 --> 00:20:34,357
People can surprise you.

549
00:20:34,375 --> 00:20:37,794
You get used to thinking of them one way,
stuck in their roles.

550
00:20:37,828 --> 00:20:39,427
They are what they are.

551
00:20:39,428 --> 00:20:40,200
I was young at the time...

552
00:20:40,201 --> 00:20:42,715
And then they do something
that shows you

553
00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:45,051
there's all this depth and dimension.

554
00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:47,253
That you never knew existed.

555
00:20:47,304 --> 00:20:48,922
Are you talking about Rob Lowe?

556
00:20:48,973 --> 00:20:51,090
I'm just saying he's
a very versatile actor.

557
00:20:51,141 --> 00:20:53,560
I think his good looks
have actually held him back.

558
00:20:53,594 --> 00:20:55,526
Well, I can relate to that.

559
00:21:00,922 --> 00:21:02,956
- Haley!
- We need to talk.

560
00:21:02,990 --> 00:21:04,575
I know I freaked out
on you last night,

561
00:21:04,626 --> 00:21:06,543
but you have to see it
 from my point of view.

562
00:21:06,578 --> 00:21:08,882
- You were totally spying on me.
- I know.

563
00:21:08,883 --> 00:21:11,602
You were invading
my first-amendment right to privacy.

564
00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:12,234
We were.

565
00:21:12,235 --> 00:21:14,933
I'm sick and tired of people
not trusting me.

566
00:21:14,934 --> 00:21:16,901
- I get it.
- And especially you guys.

567
00:21:16,936 --> 00:21:18,570
I don't think of you guys
as my uncles,

568
00:21:18,604 --> 00:21:20,105
I think of you as my friends.

569
00:21:20,139 --> 00:21:21,406
And if your friends
don't believe in you,

570
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,108
then what else do you have?

571
00:21:23,142 --> 00:21:24,376
Dylan's shoes?

572
00:21:24,410 --> 00:21:25,788
Please don't tell my mom.

573
00:21:27,296 --> 00:21:28,578
Buckle up.

574
00:21:28,778 --> 00:21:36,978
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