1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,394 What was my best brush with celebrity? 2 00:00:02,478 --> 00:00:04,791 Oh, this is such a good one. 3 00:00:05,216 --> 00:00:07,179 One time I saw Jack Nicholson at the car wash. 4 00:00:07,214 --> 00:00:08,862 I can't go through this again. 5 00:00:08,897 --> 00:00:11,063 Jack Nicholson does not drive a Hyundai Odyssey 6 00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,184 with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam. 7 00:00:13,489 --> 00:00:16,200 Being in the closet business, I met a lot of famous people. 8 00:00:16,235 --> 00:00:17,461 I can't name names, 9 00:00:17,503 --> 00:00:20,091 but let's just say it's someone who's the boss. 10 00:00:20,126 --> 00:00:22,859 - You met Bruce Springsteen? - No, Tony Danza. 11 00:00:22,894 --> 00:00:25,341 Oh, from the TV show? Nah, she was the boss. 12 00:00:25,376 --> 00:00:27,339 It's open to interpretation. 13 00:00:27,709 --> 00:00:30,111 I saw Santa Claus at the mall. 14 00:00:32,634 --> 00:00:35,703 "The Unwitting Miss Castle." What's that about? 15 00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:38,539 It's about three persecuted women in different time periods, 16 00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:41,351 or one time traveler with incredibly bad luck. 17 00:00:41,386 --> 00:00:42,447 I don't know which. 18 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,569 Somehow, I was able to join a very exclusive book club 19 00:00:45,604 --> 00:00:47,783 filled with the most intelligent women. 20 00:00:47,818 --> 00:00:51,812 I can never seem to impress them. They use words like "sanguine." 21 00:00:51,847 --> 00:00:54,337 I don't want to look like an idiot, so I use it, too. 22 00:00:54,372 --> 00:00:57,592 Isn't that the most sanguine thing you ever heard? 23 00:00:57,627 --> 00:00:59,518 You're not using it right. 24 00:01:00,513 --> 00:01:03,765 CLAIRE: I've read the same chapter eight times... still don't get it. 25 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,728 Just say, "It holds a mirror up to society." 26 00:01:06,763 --> 00:01:08,416 You'll get your "C" and get out of there. 27 00:01:08,451 --> 00:01:09,867 Huh. 28 00:01:09,902 --> 00:01:12,363 - Good morning. - Hi. 29 00:01:12,398 --> 00:01:14,119 Who's that young thing? 30 00:01:14,154 --> 00:01:17,139 Wow, what's up with the outfit, Mod Squad? 31 00:01:17,174 --> 00:01:19,685 Oh, yeah, I'm, uh... I'm showing a house to someone. 32 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,448 - Oh. - I'd rather not say who it is. 33 00:01:21,483 --> 00:01:24,422 - I totally get that. - It's Chris Martin from Coldplay. 34 00:01:24,457 --> 00:01:27,085 - [GASPS] Come on, really? - It's not a big deal. 35 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,630 Says the man who spent most of last night 36 00:01:28,665 --> 00:01:29,890 sewing that flower onto his jeans. 37 00:01:29,925 --> 00:01:31,168 Okay, it's a really big deal. 38 00:01:31,203 --> 00:01:32,745 I'm meeting the man who sings how I feel. 39 00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:35,427 Yes, his music is so sanguine. 40 00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:36,716 Eh, closer. 41 00:01:36,751 --> 00:01:39,099 Never been a big Coldplay guy. 42 00:01:39,134 --> 00:01:41,666 I'm more into hip-hop, death metal, "Little Mermaid." 43 00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:44,481 That one really imprinted on me back in the day. 44 00:01:44,516 --> 00:01:47,850 - My stomach feels weird. - You're probably just nervous. 45 00:01:47,885 --> 00:01:49,670 Ooh, maybe you need someone to come with you. 46 00:01:49,705 --> 00:01:51,889 No, he's there to buy a house, not talk about music, 47 00:01:51,924 --> 00:01:54,134 which is why I'm not even gonna mention that I'm a songwriter, too. 48 00:01:54,169 --> 00:01:55,376 Oh, you wrote one song. 49 00:01:55,411 --> 00:01:58,039 - I said everything I had to say. - About a realtor. 50 00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:01,501 It was about life! This is why they mock you at book club. 51 00:02:09,144 --> 00:02:14,144 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com. 52 00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:17,155 Oh, here's a brush with celebrity I can actually talk about. 53 00:02:17,197 --> 00:02:19,003 Last summer, I was called upon 54 00:02:19,087 --> 00:02:21,859 to participate in the most American of traditions... 55 00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:23,497 getting out of jury duty. 56 00:02:23,581 --> 00:02:26,395 Do you have any experience with law enforcement? 57 00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:29,125 Big time. I-I don't trust, uh, cops. 58 00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:31,141 Also, I despise robbery victims. 59 00:02:31,225 --> 00:02:34,039 They're the real criminals for clogging up our court system. 60 00:02:34,123 --> 00:02:36,937 - Nice try, Juror 3. - What about economic hardship? 61 00:02:37,021 --> 00:02:40,801 The last time I missed work, the California closet market collapsed. 62 00:02:40,843 --> 00:02:42,775 Some people think that caused the L.A. Riots. 63 00:02:42,817 --> 00:02:44,455 [MOANS] 64 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:45,757 I must be done talking. 65 00:02:45,841 --> 00:02:47,395 I'm going into labor. 66 00:02:47,479 --> 00:02:49,285 Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's gonna be all right. 67 00:02:49,327 --> 00:02:51,175 Bailiff, help Juror 11 with anything she needs, 68 00:02:51,259 --> 00:02:53,065 and bring in the next alternate. 69 00:02:53,149 --> 00:02:54,997 Uh, as her Lamaze coach, 70 00:02:55,081 --> 00:02:57,121 I think I should probably be out in the hall with... 71 00:03:01,632 --> 00:03:04,488 Terry Bradshaw. I love Terry Bradshaw! 72 00:03:04,572 --> 00:03:07,470 Juror 11, is there anything that might prevent you 73 00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,612 from serving effectively on this jury? 74 00:03:09,696 --> 00:03:11,754 No scheduling conflicts, Your Honor. 75 00:03:11,838 --> 00:03:15,408 However, I am going through kind of a rough patch right now. 76 00:03:15,492 --> 00:03:16,836 You see, I lost my best friend. 77 00:03:16,878 --> 00:03:18,768 Or did he just find one? 78 00:03:18,852 --> 00:03:20,280 But I'm happy to serve. 79 00:03:20,322 --> 00:03:22,380 I believe in the American legal system, 80 00:03:22,422 --> 00:03:24,396 and I believe it's all about teamwork. 81 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,034 [CLAPS] 82 00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,176 That's a touchdown of an answer, champ. 83 00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:30,234 Uh, this lady here... 84 00:03:30,318 --> 00:03:31,662 put me down for that. 85 00:03:31,704 --> 00:03:34,266 Are you ready for some justice? 86 00:03:36,770 --> 00:03:39,516 - Oh, my God. - GLORIA: What? A celebrity? 87 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,204 - It's Sam Anvilmaker. - Who? 88 00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:43,632 He wrote "The Forgetters and the Forgotten"? 89 00:03:43,674 --> 00:03:46,908 "Farce, American Style"? "Screw You For Reading This"? 90 00:03:46,992 --> 00:03:48,041 What the hell is happening? 91 00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:51,191 Yes, that one, too! He's my favorite playwright. 92 00:03:51,275 --> 00:03:53,123 Why don't you go over and tell him that you're a fan? 93 00:03:53,207 --> 00:03:54,719 Maybe he can give you some advice. 94 00:03:54,761 --> 00:03:58,667 No, no, I wouldn't want to bother him. He's notoriously private. 95 00:03:58,751 --> 00:04:01,313 He writes in a hollowed-out tree somewhere in Montana. 96 00:04:01,355 --> 00:04:04,127 - Don't be nervous. - It just doesn't feel right. 97 00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,227 Manny, if somebody admired my work as much as this, 98 00:04:06,311 --> 00:04:07,697 I would like to know. 99 00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:08,957 [SIGHS] 100 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,981 - Go. - Okay. Here we go. 101 00:04:16,475 --> 00:04:19,205 - Uh, excuse me, Mr. Anvilmaker? - Let me guess... 102 00:04:19,289 --> 00:04:21,851 I'm the reason you want to be a writer. 103 00:04:21,935 --> 00:04:23,279 Yeah, actually. 104 00:04:23,321 --> 00:04:24,875 Your first play changed the way that I looked at... 105 00:04:24,917 --> 00:04:25,925 Look, listen, kid. 106 00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:28,943 I'm not here to collect panties with phone numbers on them. 107 00:04:28,985 --> 00:04:33,401 I'm here to experience the cold absurdity that is being alive. 108 00:04:33,485 --> 00:04:36,845 So go and find someone else to venerate. 109 00:04:36,929 --> 00:04:40,414 Oh, uh... Sorry for bothering you. 110 00:04:40,498 --> 00:04:41,590 Here's a writing tip... 111 00:04:41,632 --> 00:04:45,034 show me you're sorry for bothering me. Don't tell me. 112 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:47,638 GLORIA: Okay, let's take a picture of the two new best friends. 113 00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:48,898 Come together. 114 00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:51,376 I should never have left my tree. 115 00:04:52,078 --> 00:04:54,232 And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis at our dry cleaner. 116 00:04:54,849 --> 00:04:57,117 Not him. No. 117 00:04:57,201 --> 00:05:00,183 Uh, the time we actually saw a celebrity was last December 118 00:05:00,225 --> 00:05:02,115 when we were shopping for gardening supplies. 119 00:05:02,157 --> 00:05:04,341 I'll never forget the feeling of having Lincoln 120 00:05:04,425 --> 00:05:07,785 look directly into my eyes and saying, 121 00:05:07,869 --> 00:05:12,195 "We couldn't get the barbecue sauce out." 122 00:05:13,131 --> 00:05:15,735 CAMERON: We both don't need a pair. We can just share these. 123 00:05:15,777 --> 00:05:17,079 And what if I want my own? 124 00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:19,599 [SCOFFS] We share everything. We share a toothbrush. 125 00:05:19,641 --> 00:05:21,321 - We do? Oh... - Oh, my... Oh, my gosh. 126 00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:23,505 There's the guy who hosts that home makeover show we love so much. 127 00:05:23,547 --> 00:05:24,723 - What? Where? - It's Scott Hunter. 128 00:05:24,807 --> 00:05:26,319 - Scott Hunter is right over there. - [GASPS] 129 00:05:26,403 --> 00:05:29,636 Every week, Scott Hunter, the host of "I Beg Your Garden," 130 00:05:29,678 --> 00:05:31,946 selects an unsuspecting couple at a home store. 131 00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:34,550 Yeah, he taps them on the shoulder and says, 132 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:35,810 "I beg your garden." 133 00:05:35,852 --> 00:05:37,448 What?! Oh, my God! I can't believe it! 134 00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:39,086 That's how it goes every time. 135 00:05:39,128 --> 00:05:40,304 Every time. 136 00:05:40,388 --> 00:05:41,393 Where are the cameras? 137 00:05:41,404 --> 00:05:43,118 I know. I wish I would've worn something more colorful. 138 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,470 Okay, you know what? We have to get on the show. 139 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,830 Can you imagine a backyard makeover, what he would do with ours? 140 00:05:48,872 --> 00:05:53,124 Yeah, one word, three syllables, starts with "gah," ends with "zebo." 141 00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:56,262 - Gazebo. - I love gazebos. 142 00:05:56,287 --> 00:05:59,077 I do, too! Now that I'm thinking about it, I have to have one. 143 00:05:59,081 --> 00:06:00,147 - Oh, my gosh. - Wait, we work hard. 144 00:06:00,231 --> 00:06:02,254 We deserve to stand in the shade a few inches off the ground. 145 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,835 Yeah. Okay, you know what? Let's go get tapped. 146 00:06:04,919 --> 00:06:05,943 [LAUGHS QUIETLY] 147 00:06:06,427 --> 00:06:08,127 Hm, what's over here? 148 00:06:08,169 --> 00:06:11,109 I don't know. Oh, my gosh, Mitchell, do you like this planter? 149 00:06:11,193 --> 00:06:14,847 It would go great in our hopelessly outdated and neglected backyard. 150 00:06:14,931 --> 00:06:18,081 Well, I love it if you love it. And what do you think of these pavers? 151 00:06:18,123 --> 00:06:19,509 Oh, I think they go great with that gazebo 152 00:06:19,593 --> 00:06:20,642 we've always dreamed of having. 153 00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:21,818 Oh, forget it. He's gone. 154 00:06:21,860 --> 00:06:24,296 W-What did we do wrong? We were pleasant. 155 00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:26,522 You know what? Maybe we were too nice. 156 00:06:26,606 --> 00:06:28,958 Couples on those shows always have conflict. 157 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,520 So do we. When's the last time we agreed on anything? 158 00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:32,990 We... We're constantly bickering. 159 00:06:33,074 --> 00:06:35,006 I know, sometimes it reveals something deeper, 160 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,770 but not always. 161 00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:37,862 You know what? 162 00:06:37,946 --> 00:06:40,970 Let's go show him our delightful brand of bitchy friction. 163 00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:43,364 I was thinking the exact same thing. 164 00:06:43,406 --> 00:06:45,044 - Stop seeing eye-to-eye with me. - Sorry, sorry. 165 00:06:45,128 --> 00:06:46,640 Let's go find him and drum up an argument. 166 00:06:46,724 --> 00:06:48,278 Yeah, terrific idea. 167 00:06:48,362 --> 00:06:50,252 I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm just... 168 00:06:53,823 --> 00:06:56,805 Oh, ow. What is going on? 169 00:06:56,889 --> 00:06:58,821 My gro... oy... oh! 170 00:06:58,905 --> 00:07:01,467 This was a nightmare. I was about to meet my hero, 171 00:07:01,509 --> 00:07:03,441 and I was experiencing this bizarre pain in... 172 00:07:03,483 --> 00:07:06,171 in my... nether region. 173 00:07:06,213 --> 00:07:08,573 Wait, I'm a grown man. I should be able to say it... 174 00:07:08,598 --> 00:07:10,245 my left bean bag... did it again. 175 00:07:10,287 --> 00:07:13,101 My tersticle... That's as close as I think I'm gonna get. 176 00:07:14,203 --> 00:07:15,295 Hello? 177 00:07:15,379 --> 00:07:17,100 Hey, hey! 178 00:07:17,184 --> 00:07:19,788 Welcome, welcome, welcome. 179 00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:21,006 - Phil. - Hey, I'm Chris. 180 00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:22,434 - Oh! - Hey, what's wrong? 181 00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:23,610 Oh, nothing. 182 00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,710 [SIGHS] You thought I'd be better looking. 183 00:07:25,752 --> 00:07:27,600 People think that because the rest of the band 184 00:07:27,642 --> 00:07:29,686 - look like hobbits. - No, no, no. It's... It's a little... 185 00:07:29,711 --> 00:07:32,724 Hey. I love your flower jeans. Where did you get those? 186 00:07:32,808 --> 00:07:34,320 They're from a store. 187 00:07:34,404 --> 00:07:37,596 Well, they're very me. They're very me. Do you remember the name of the store? 188 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,704 - Actually, I embroidered them myself. - Impressive. 189 00:07:40,788 --> 00:07:43,964 When you're ready for it, you get a T-shirt, 190 00:07:43,999 --> 00:07:45,570 you put it on top of a long-sleeve, 191 00:07:45,605 --> 00:07:48,641 then it lets everybody know you own multiple shirts. 192 00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:49,926 Impressive. 193 00:07:49,961 --> 00:07:53,600 [BRITISH ACCENT] So, mate, shall we have a trod-a-bout? 194 00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:54,899 I'm flattered. 195 00:07:54,983 --> 00:07:57,503 I'd rather just keep it professional, have a walk around. 196 00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,000 [NORMAL VOICE] Oh, that's not what... Oi... I meant... 197 00:08:00,103 --> 00:08:01,157 [GRUNTS] 198 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:06,155 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 199 00:08:06,197 --> 00:08:07,834 Terry was just sitting there by himself 200 00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:10,522 because everybody's always afraid to talk to the prettiest girl, 201 00:08:10,564 --> 00:08:13,924 except this guy. It's all about confidence. 202 00:08:13,966 --> 00:08:16,360 [HIGH-PITCHED] Excuse me, Mr... [CLEARS THROAT] 203 00:08:16,402 --> 00:08:19,979 [NORMAL VOICE] Excuse me, Mr. Bradshaw. Jay Pritchett, juror number 3. 204 00:08:20,014 --> 00:08:21,275 Terry. Call me Terry. 205 00:08:21,310 --> 00:08:22,785 - How you doing, Terry? - Hi. Good. You? 206 00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:24,248 Hey, this robbery case, huh? 207 00:08:24,283 --> 00:08:26,037 Now, I know we don't have all the facts yet, 208 00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:29,324 but I think it might be hard for me to lock up a... "Steeler." 209 00:08:29,359 --> 00:08:30,400 [LAUGHS] 210 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,440 I try to keep it light. You might if I join you? 211 00:08:33,475 --> 00:08:35,721 No, no, no, free country. Sit down. 212 00:08:35,756 --> 00:08:36,993 He said "yes"! 213 00:08:37,028 --> 00:08:38,953 The '70s, it was a better game. 214 00:08:38,988 --> 00:08:41,247 You guys did everything... offense, defense. 215 00:08:41,282 --> 00:08:43,876 Didn't I see you mow the field one night before the game? 216 00:08:43,911 --> 00:08:45,695 You know, that's how I made my money? [LAUGHS] 217 00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:49,301 I can't actually believe that I'm having lunch with Terry Bradshaw. 218 00:08:49,336 --> 00:08:51,384 I mean, from football fame 219 00:08:51,419 --> 00:08:54,399 to country music stardom to big-screen idol. 220 00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:57,410 "Smokey and the Bandit II." Now that was a challenge. 221 00:08:57,445 --> 00:08:59,941 To play yourself, that can be kind of tricky. 222 00:08:59,976 --> 00:09:02,707 - I thought you stole the movie? - Ah, stop that. You're too kind. 223 00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:05,198 You know, not everything I touch turns to gold. 224 00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:07,790 I mean, I've had my share of missteps along the way. 225 00:09:07,825 --> 00:09:09,342 [LAUGHS] Well, right, like "Failure to Launch," right? 226 00:09:09,377 --> 00:09:11,031 - Sorry? - You should be. 227 00:09:11,066 --> 00:09:12,824 I mean, that thing was a real stinker. 228 00:09:12,859 --> 00:09:14,568 I happen to be proud of that movie. 229 00:09:14,603 --> 00:09:16,865 I mean, that's some of the best work I've ever done. 230 00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,356 No, you were good, yeah. 231 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:19,950 But, I mean, don't worry about it. Nobody saw it. 232 00:09:19,985 --> 00:09:21,696 Yeah, well. 233 00:09:21,731 --> 00:09:24,717 Guess it's about time we get on back in, huh? 234 00:09:24,752 --> 00:09:26,024 Same time tomorrow. 235 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:27,807 Hey, I'm wide open. 236 00:09:28,846 --> 00:09:30,521 Like in football. 237 00:09:34,432 --> 00:09:36,322 Nobody speaks to my son like that. 238 00:09:36,364 --> 00:09:38,086 No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom. 239 00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:40,270 Please don't get up and make a scene and embarrass me more. 240 00:09:40,312 --> 00:09:41,404 I'm begging you. 241 00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:44,302 Okay, but you don't have to block me in. I am not crazy. 242 00:09:44,344 --> 00:09:47,578 I am not the hot-headed Latina that you all make me out to be. 243 00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:50,097 You sent a cow heart to a children's soccer referee. 244 00:09:50,181 --> 00:09:52,449 Manny, what else was I supposed to do? 245 00:09:52,491 --> 00:09:54,213 Look, what happened was a good thing. 246 00:09:54,297 --> 00:09:57,531 He was teaching me the focus required to live the life of an artist, 247 00:09:57,615 --> 00:10:01,689 and that is a very valuable lesson that I'll cherish forever. 248 00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:04,163 Okay, Papi, if you're happy, then I'm happy. 249 00:10:06,057 --> 00:10:07,891 Why don't you pick your dessert? 250 00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:13,388 Hmm. I wouldn't say no to an almond cookie and an espresso and... 251 00:10:13,423 --> 00:10:14,789 You're gone, aren't you? 252 00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:18,878 - SAM: Honey, I'll take another... - Shut up. That's my son over there. 253 00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:22,530 He opened his beautiful soul to you, to praise you, 254 00:10:22,565 --> 00:10:25,386 to get some advice from you, and you were mean to him? 255 00:10:25,421 --> 00:10:29,670 Come on, we both know that your attitude is just a defense mechanism 256 00:10:29,705 --> 00:10:33,955 to protect the tiny, little ego from the truth... 257 00:10:33,990 --> 00:10:37,923 that you don't deserve any praise, that you're a fraud, 258 00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:41,832 that you're just a big, fat nobody. 259 00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,448 [WHIMPERS] 260 00:10:45,532 --> 00:10:48,430 [CRIES] 261 00:10:49,722 --> 00:10:51,654 All men break the same. 262 00:11:03,666 --> 00:11:04,884 What's happening? What is all this? 263 00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,942 - Go up the next aisle. - Okay. 264 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,780 Oh, God, I'm loving these new pavers we picked. 265 00:11:12,822 --> 00:11:15,132 You know what, I'm starting to have second thoughts. 266 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,114 Oh, no, this isn't gonna be another conflict between us, is it? 267 00:11:18,156 --> 00:11:20,378 Oh, gosh, I don't want another conflict. 268 00:11:20,403 --> 00:11:22,602 - Privy. - Okay. 269 00:11:22,608 --> 00:11:25,450 Okay, you're... you're not actually putting 270 00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,434 a reclaimed wood piece in our cart, are you? 271 00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:28,555 - [WHISPERS] That's great, that's great. - No. 272 00:11:28,590 --> 00:11:30,200 The whole "reclaimed wood" aesthetic 273 00:11:30,235 --> 00:11:32,941 is an insulting appropriation of barn culture. 274 00:11:32,976 --> 00:11:35,756 No, I'm being serious. It's like when Madonna wore overalls! 275 00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:37,874 - You're good. - Mitchell, take it out I don't want it. 276 00:11:37,909 --> 00:11:40,281 - I think it's pretty. - I think it's pretty offensive. 277 00:11:40,316 --> 00:11:41,745 Okay, rein it in. 278 00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:45,084 - Oh, there she is, Mother Superior. - Okay, Rumple-thinskin. 279 00:11:45,119 --> 00:11:46,443 Okay, you know what? I don't need this. 280 00:11:46,478 --> 00:11:48,724 - I'm just gonna go wait in the car. - Perfect, yeah, run away. 281 00:11:48,759 --> 00:11:52,554 And just FYI the reason I like barn wood is cause it reminds me of you. 282 00:11:52,589 --> 00:11:53,976 - Really? - Yeah. 283 00:11:54,011 --> 00:11:56,272 I mean I-I know that you get homesick sometimes, 284 00:11:56,307 --> 00:11:58,342 and I-I want to bring a little, you know, country into our house. 285 00:11:58,377 --> 00:12:00,463 I'm sorry. Didn't mean to offend you. 286 00:12:00,498 --> 00:12:03,796 Oh, you didn't offend me. I'm just being oversensitive like you said. 287 00:12:03,831 --> 00:12:06,151 [SIGHS] I'm just being my normal snooty self. 288 00:12:06,186 --> 00:12:08,041 I don't... I don't know how you put up with me. 289 00:12:08,076 --> 00:12:09,323 I don't know how you put up with me. 290 00:12:09,358 --> 00:12:11,398 - I do. - Mm. 291 00:12:11,807 --> 00:12:12,869 Excuse me. 292 00:12:12,904 --> 00:12:14,975 - Yes? - Oh, yes? Hi. 293 00:12:15,010 --> 00:12:17,140 - I just need to get by. - Okay. 294 00:12:19,853 --> 00:12:22,877 - He didn't say it. - He didn't say it. 295 00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:27,664 And last, but not least, the city at your feet. 296 00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:31,570 Yeah. I'm still kind of flabbergasted that there's no bubble machine. 297 00:12:31,654 --> 00:12:33,208 It's okay. I can install my own. 298 00:12:33,292 --> 00:12:34,300 [GRUNTS] 299 00:12:34,342 --> 00:12:36,568 - Oh, you're judging me? - No, no. 300 00:12:36,652 --> 00:12:38,878 [SIGHS] Maybe you're right. 301 00:12:38,962 --> 00:12:40,600 Maybe I am losing touch with who I am. 302 00:12:40,684 --> 00:12:43,120 All I really need is three chords and a mattress. 303 00:12:43,204 --> 00:12:44,632 And my chef. 304 00:12:44,674 --> 00:12:46,942 [GROANS] 305 00:12:46,984 --> 00:12:48,916 Uh, hey, Phil, what's happening here? 306 00:12:48,958 --> 00:12:51,203 - Oh, not too much. [GROANS] - Phil? 307 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:54,250 - Oh, my God, you've gone all yellow. - [LAUGHS] That's like your song. 308 00:12:54,292 --> 00:12:57,548 Funny thing... I also like to write mu... 309 00:12:58,954 --> 00:13:00,550 Phil? 310 00:13:06,183 --> 00:13:08,661 [EXHALES SHARPLY] What happened? 311 00:13:08,703 --> 00:13:10,719 Mr. Dunphy, you have acute orchitis. 312 00:13:10,761 --> 00:13:12,231 It's a massively inflamed testicle. 313 00:13:12,273 --> 00:13:14,162 I'm giving you an I.V. bag of antibiotics 314 00:13:14,204 --> 00:13:15,506 and some pain meds because... 315 00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:17,228 [WHISTLES] Oh, boy. 316 00:13:17,270 --> 00:13:18,488 So embarrassed. 317 00:13:18,572 --> 00:13:20,966 I can't believe I passed out in front of a rock star. 318 00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:22,772 Please tell me he didn't know why. 319 00:13:22,856 --> 00:13:25,376 Oh, brilliant, you're awake. I've got some ice for your biscuits. 320 00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:27,350 No. No, no, no, no, no! 321 00:13:27,434 --> 00:13:29,828 Oh! Oh, that really... Oh, that feels so good. 322 00:13:30,985 --> 00:13:33,759 Terry, can we talk? Please don't shut me out. 323 00:13:33,801 --> 00:13:35,278 I know I messed up, 324 00:13:35,313 --> 00:13:38,821 and I'm so sorry for my... failure at lunch. 325 00:13:39,170 --> 00:13:41,443 - BAILIFF: Sir, please sit down. - Do you mind? 326 00:13:41,478 --> 00:13:44,454 - Same seats. - JUDGE: Let's proceed. 327 00:13:44,513 --> 00:13:47,696 Juror number 10, has anyone in your family 328 00:13:47,731 --> 00:13:49,807 ever been the victim of a violent crime? 329 00:13:49,842 --> 00:13:54,545 - Well... my mother... - Psst! Not you, keep going. 330 00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,647 Oh, actually, could you tap him on the shoulder? 331 00:13:56,682 --> 00:13:58,905 Juror 11, is this man bothering you? 332 00:13:58,958 --> 00:14:00,577 You talking about the movie critic right here? 333 00:14:00,612 --> 00:14:02,376 - Absolutely, he's bothering me! - Objection! 334 00:14:02,411 --> 00:14:04,665 I request permission to approach Mr. Bradshaw. 335 00:14:04,714 --> 00:14:07,958 No! I mean, denied! Look, that's not a thing you can ask. 336 00:14:07,993 --> 00:14:10,577 Your Honor, we'd like to dismiss Juror number 3. 337 00:14:10,612 --> 00:14:12,969 What?! No, no. I'll be good. I promise. 338 00:14:13,004 --> 00:14:14,710 Sir, you have to leave now. 339 00:14:15,448 --> 00:14:17,846 Fine. I'm going. 340 00:14:20,482 --> 00:14:23,338 I'll be waiting in the parking lot, buddy. 341 00:14:23,422 --> 00:14:25,858 Judge hit me with a restraining order. 342 00:14:25,942 --> 00:14:28,924 But Terry had to sign it. 343 00:14:29,008 --> 00:14:31,612 We're gonna get through this together, Phillip. 344 00:14:31,654 --> 00:14:34,831 I guess I just don't understand why you're here. 345 00:14:34,866 --> 00:14:36,852 Well, because you really reached me back there, 346 00:14:36,887 --> 00:14:38,669 and I realized I got to be more of a regular guy. 347 00:14:38,704 --> 00:14:41,244 Mr. Dunphy, I have your... Chris Martin. 348 00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:44,382 Wow. I'm a huge fan. Can I get a picture with you? 349 00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,348 No. I want a picture with you. 350 00:14:46,383 --> 00:14:47,743 - Come on. Let's do it. - [GIGGLES] 351 00:14:48,272 --> 00:14:51,685 - Phil, 25 million followers. - No, thank you. 352 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,483 Uh, I'd love some privacy. Is there maybe a room opening up? 353 00:14:55,518 --> 00:14:59,485 CLAIRE: Phil? Honey? I came just as soon as Chris called me. Hello. 354 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,719 Claire, I've got to say, uh... [CLEARS THROAT] 355 00:15:01,743 --> 00:15:03,899 You're even more beautiful than you are in Phil's photos. 356 00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,119 Pbht! 357 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,956 - I like your music. - Well, thank you. 358 00:15:06,991 --> 00:15:08,194 Claire, can I talk to you for one second. 359 00:15:08,229 --> 00:15:10,295 - Yes, of course, sweetie, yes. Yeah. - Yeah. 360 00:15:10,981 --> 00:15:12,787 [WHISPERS] I want Chris Martin to leave. 361 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,131 Hm? What? Why? 362 00:15:14,215 --> 00:15:15,975 It's weird that he's here when I'm like this, 363 00:15:16,021 --> 00:15:17,197 and he's attracting attention. 364 00:15:17,239 --> 00:15:20,095 Oh, I don't think... yeah, okay. 365 00:15:20,179 --> 00:15:21,733 - DONNA: Claire? - Mm... 366 00:15:21,775 --> 00:15:23,871 Oh, you're not gonna like this. 367 00:15:24,398 --> 00:15:28,010 - DONNA: This is so exciting! - You invited your book club?! 368 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,900 [GIGGLING] We're huge fans. 369 00:15:29,984 --> 00:15:33,008 A book club sounds kind of regular. 370 00:15:33,092 --> 00:15:34,562 [CLEARS THROAT] I should join one of those. 371 00:15:34,646 --> 00:15:36,032 There's about to be an opening in ours. 372 00:15:36,116 --> 00:15:37,880 I'm the one who invited you here. 373 00:15:37,922 --> 00:15:40,190 And what are you beautiful, uh, scholars reading? 374 00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:41,996 ANGIE: "The Unwitting Miss Castle." 375 00:15:42,038 --> 00:15:44,012 Mm. I love that book. 376 00:15:44,096 --> 00:15:47,665 Although I did find the fences metaphor a little mundane. 377 00:15:47,707 --> 00:15:49,667 - Oh, yes. Pretentious. - Completely agree. 378 00:15:49,745 --> 00:15:51,593 I said the exact same thing last week, 379 00:15:51,677 --> 00:15:53,567 and you guys just rolled your eyes at me. 380 00:15:54,177 --> 00:15:55,815 Claire, don't be such a Mrs. Devereaux. 381 00:15:55,899 --> 00:15:57,621 [ALL GIGGLING] Twinsies! 382 00:15:57,705 --> 00:16:00,771 - DONNA: That is so you! - Hey, Phil. Our photo got 25,000 likes. 383 00:16:00,813 --> 00:16:04,226 - Phil? - Phil? 384 00:16:04,261 --> 00:16:05,323 Ohh... 385 00:16:05,407 --> 00:16:08,185 Oh, it's probably all the meds. I'll handle this. 386 00:16:08,220 --> 00:16:10,057 I've been to Burning Man with Keith Richards. 387 00:16:10,092 --> 00:16:13,268 No, no, no. I'll handle it. I've been on vacation with my mother. 388 00:16:15,059 --> 00:16:18,820 Hey... Where are you off to, stranger? 389 00:16:18,855 --> 00:16:20,070 Honey, I need to be alone. 390 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:23,071 Oh, honey, I'm sorry I invited the girls from book club. 391 00:16:23,106 --> 00:16:24,858 It's... I just wanted them to like me. 392 00:16:24,893 --> 00:16:26,636 [SIGHS] I can't believe this happened. 393 00:16:26,671 --> 00:16:28,552 This was supposed to be such an amazing day. 394 00:16:28,587 --> 00:16:31,106 I know. Is there anything I can do to make it better? 395 00:16:31,141 --> 00:16:34,603 Yes. You can make Chris Martin go away, now. 396 00:16:34,638 --> 00:16:35,675 [GROANS] 397 00:16:35,717 --> 00:16:38,813 I'm so sorry, guys. Oh, I didn't mean to cause a... 398 00:16:38,848 --> 00:16:41,012 Oh, no, no, no, no. It's... it's not you personally. 399 00:16:41,047 --> 00:16:42,949 No, no, no, it is me. I'm a distraction. 400 00:16:42,984 --> 00:16:45,195 Everyone wants to say "hi" or they want to take a picture 401 00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:46,286 or they want to sleep with me. 402 00:16:46,321 --> 00:16:48,806 - MARIE: They sure do. - Shut 'er down, Marie. 403 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,013 And it's a nightmare. It's beginning to affect my creativity. 404 00:16:52,048 --> 00:16:54,358 The last song I wrote was about my helicopter. 405 00:16:54,393 --> 00:16:56,255 I was too ashamed to release it. 406 00:16:56,290 --> 00:16:58,124 I had to sell it to Qantus for $1 million. 407 00:16:58,159 --> 00:17:00,386 Your problems are so sanguine. 408 00:17:00,421 --> 00:17:03,012 - Is that how you use that word? - Nobody knows. 409 00:17:03,047 --> 00:17:05,059 Oh, anyway, I wish there was something I could do 410 00:17:05,094 --> 00:17:06,161 to make this all better. 411 00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:07,330 You could buy that house. 412 00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:09,564 No, Phil. Thanks to you, that's the old me. 413 00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:11,035 Oh, good. 414 00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:12,645 I know something you could do for him. 415 00:17:13,877 --> 00:17:17,378 ♪ You've been looking for your own special space ♪ 416 00:17:17,413 --> 00:17:20,853 ♪ Somewhere you can call your resting place ♪ 417 00:17:20,888 --> 00:17:25,028 ♪ You've been looking for your kids and your spouse ♪ 418 00:17:25,063 --> 00:17:28,101 ♪ It's time time to buy yourself a Dunphy house ♪ 419 00:17:29,687 --> 00:17:33,927 ♪ Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy ♪ 420 00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:42,774 ♪ They're affordable and comfy, comfy, comfy ♪ 421 00:17:43,598 --> 00:17:45,932 I can't believe he's actually making it work. 422 00:17:47,604 --> 00:17:48,738 Why would he not pick us? 423 00:17:48,822 --> 00:17:50,166 Yeah, we gave him everything he wants... 424 00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:51,608 - a fight, reconciliation... - Yeah. 425 00:17:51,678 --> 00:17:53,038 Not to mention we're camera-ready. 426 00:17:53,064 --> 00:17:54,304 It's everything TV wants to be. 427 00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:56,886 I mean, what does he want us to do, write the episode for him? 428 00:17:56,970 --> 00:17:58,902 Yeah, America deserves to see us get a free gazebo. 429 00:17:58,986 --> 00:18:00,540 There he is. 430 00:18:00,582 --> 00:18:02,220 I have half a mind to go over there and confront him. 431 00:18:02,262 --> 00:18:03,312 Yeah, well, I have the other half. 432 00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:04,908 - Wait, wait. - Hi. 433 00:18:04,992 --> 00:18:06,299 - Hi. - Hi. Excuse us. 434 00:18:06,324 --> 00:18:08,310 - Can I help you guys? - Yeah, how about an explanation? 435 00:18:08,394 --> 00:18:09,864 Why aren't you picking us for your show? 436 00:18:09,948 --> 00:18:12,594 Yeah, what... are we not sexy enough? Not young enough for your demo? 437 00:18:12,636 --> 00:18:13,956 Wait, no, is it 'cause we're gay? 438 00:18:14,022 --> 00:18:15,156 You know, I've actually never seen a gay couple 439 00:18:15,198 --> 00:18:17,361 - on your little program. - Yeah, or a P.E. teacher 440 00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:19,500 - slash vice principal. - He's literally that. 441 00:18:19,535 --> 00:18:20,694 Just tell us why you're not picking us. 442 00:18:20,729 --> 00:18:22,089 Guys, I don't have a show anymore. 443 00:18:22,127 --> 00:18:23,429 - Please, we just saw that episode... - Yeah. 444 00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:26,241 - Deb and Don in San Antonio last week? - Yeah. 445 00:18:26,276 --> 00:18:27,765 Don wanted a place to grill. 446 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,949 - We got canceled, like, two years ago. - What? 447 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,832 - What, why? - It's such a popular show! 448 00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:34,192 Look, uh... [EXHALES SHARPLY] 449 00:18:34,227 --> 00:18:35,325 The network fired me... 450 00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,640 - Why? - ­... when they found out 451 00:18:36,669 --> 00:18:38,443 that I had this website where people paid 452 00:18:38,478 --> 00:18:40,058 to watch me build stuff naked. 453 00:18:40,093 --> 00:18:41,993 - Is that so? - How naked? 454 00:18:42,035 --> 00:18:43,132 - Very. - You know what, 455 00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:45,163 why are you hanging out in the aisles of a home store? 456 00:18:45,198 --> 00:18:47,170 - I work here. Ohh. - You do. 457 00:18:47,205 --> 00:18:48,225 - Yeah. - Oh. 458 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:51,069 Hey, if you did still have a show, um... 459 00:18:51,104 --> 00:18:53,599 - would you pick us? - Umm... 460 00:18:54,281 --> 00:18:56,288 BOTH: It costs you nothing to say "yes." 461 00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:57,661 Oh, my God, we agreed again. 462 00:18:57,696 --> 00:18:59,059 - Ohh. - Aww. 463 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,252 I begged you not to go over there. I'm so embarrassed. 464 00:19:04,294 --> 00:19:06,982 Why? He's the one crying. 465 00:19:07,024 --> 00:19:08,200 My favorite part was 466 00:19:08,284 --> 00:19:10,426 when he was gasping for air between sobs, 467 00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:11,685 like a baby. 468 00:19:11,769 --> 00:19:13,155 Look at him. He's broken. 469 00:19:13,197 --> 00:19:14,247 [SOBBING] 470 00:19:14,289 --> 00:19:15,565 What if he never writes again? 471 00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:19,561 Okay, I'll apologize to the 12 people who still go out and watch plays. 472 00:19:19,645 --> 00:19:21,390 You do know I'm a theater major, right? 473 00:19:21,425 --> 00:19:25,026 Yes, and when you're a great play writer and you go to a restaurant... 474 00:19:25,061 --> 00:19:26,617 if you can afford it... 475 00:19:26,652 --> 00:19:28,964 then you're gonna be nice to strangers, 476 00:19:28,999 --> 00:19:31,341 because that's the right thing to do, okay? 477 00:19:31,376 --> 00:19:33,191 Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt. 478 00:19:33,226 --> 00:19:36,675 But I saw what happened before, and I'm sorry about that. 479 00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:38,719 But the way you stood up to that jerk Anvilmaker 480 00:19:38,754 --> 00:19:41,388 was kind of amazing, yeah. Good for you. 481 00:19:41,423 --> 00:19:44,058 And young man, listen... if this makes you feel any better, 482 00:19:44,093 --> 00:19:46,558 - he did the same thing to me. - Oh. 483 00:19:46,593 --> 00:19:48,934 That's very nice of you to say. Thank you so much. 484 00:19:48,969 --> 00:19:49,969 So... 485 00:19:51,019 --> 00:19:52,447 [CLEARS THROAT] 486 00:19:52,489 --> 00:19:54,883 You know, I, uh... I write. 487 00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,101 - Oh, boy. - [CHUCKLES] 488 00:19:56,185 --> 00:19:58,285 No, it's not like I'm just some, you know, some... 489 00:19:58,327 --> 00:19:59,419 excuse me... some... 490 00:19:59,461 --> 00:20:01,183 you know, just some city slicker who... 491 00:20:01,225 --> 00:20:03,114 who doesn't know what he's talking about. 492 00:20:03,156 --> 00:20:05,004 But, uh... if I could teach you one thing, 493 00:20:05,088 --> 00:20:08,322 just one thing that you learn from this, 494 00:20:08,364 --> 00:20:12,690 it'll make your plays sound and look marvelous. 495 00:20:12,732 --> 00:20:14,498 You know? 496 00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:19,284 So, the most important thing is to... 497 00:20:19,368 --> 00:20:22,140 is to know that writing is really re-writing. 498 00:20:22,224 --> 00:20:23,778 You may want to jot that down. 499 00:20:23,862 --> 00:20:25,458 Uh... And then change it. 500 00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:26,886 [CHUCKLES] Did you see what I did there? 501 00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:30,414 You know what? We really need to be somewhere right now. 502 00:20:30,456 --> 00:20:31,480 - Yeah, we better go. - Okay. 503 00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:33,396 - Yeah. - All right. 504 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,866 Okay, thank you. 505 00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:36,672 - Mm-hmm. - Hm. 506 00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:40,116 I'm sorry, we didn't realize we were so annoying. Our bad. 507 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:44,296 Have fun storming the castle! 508 00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:47,546 Nothing. I'm gonna shave. 509 00:20:49,079 --> 00:20:51,935 ♪ Come feel the thrill, thrill, thrill ♪ 510 00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,631 ♪ Of Phil, Phil, Phil ♪ 511 00:20:56,831 --> 00:21:00,191 - ♪ The thrill, thrill, thrill ♪ - [MONITOR FLATLINES] 512 00:21:00,275 --> 00:21:02,585 ♪ The thrill of Phil ♪ 513 00:21:02,669 --> 00:21:05,147 - [MONITOR FLATLINES] - [EXHALES SHARPLY] 514 00:21:05,663 --> 00:21:07,718 - Could you turn that down, please? - Oh! 515 00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:15,221 - Uhh, everybody. [STARTS SINGING] - [EVERYONE SINGS] 516 00:21:15,246 --> 00:21:19,166 [CLAPS] 517 00:21:19,191 --> 00:21:21,215 So, I couple of quick thoughts... 518 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:26,240 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com