1 00:00:00,226 --> 00:00:01,697 Does everyone have a glass? 2 00:00:01,722 --> 00:00:02,970 I'm just giving my thanksgiving toast. 3 00:00:03,126 --> 00:00:05,827 Oh, come on, Dad, isn't it weird that every year you single out 4 00:00:05,836 --> 00:00:09,802 one person who somehow made you extra proud this year? 5 00:00:09,827 --> 00:00:11,620 - Makes the rest of us feel like... - It's you, Claire. 6 00:00:11,694 --> 00:00:13,027 Yeah! I knew it! 7 00:00:13,095 --> 00:00:16,297 And you, Phil, and you, Mitchell. Actually, it's all of you. 8 00:00:16,365 --> 00:00:19,801 I know I get a hard time for stirring up competition in the family, 9 00:00:19,869 --> 00:00:21,636 but look at the results. 10 00:00:21,704 --> 00:00:23,605 Phil scoring with his new magic shop. 11 00:00:23,672 --> 00:00:25,473 Cam winning the big game. 12 00:00:25,541 --> 00:00:26,941 Claire winning the race. 13 00:00:27,009 --> 00:00:28,910 And Mitchell scaring away that burglar. 14 00:00:28,978 --> 00:00:31,746 And you are a winner, too, Jay. 15 00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:33,815 He wanted to spend more time with Joe, 16 00:00:33,883 --> 00:00:37,785 so he's dropping him off and picking him up from school every day. 17 00:00:37,853 --> 00:00:38,953 Dad, what is wrong with her? 18 00:00:39,021 --> 00:00:42,190 I challenged her to get to 100,000 steps in a week. 19 00:00:42,258 --> 00:00:43,724 - That's easy. - That's so easy. 20 00:00:43,746 --> 00:00:44,792 Without shopping. 21 00:00:44,860 --> 00:00:45,994 - Oh. - I get... I get the challenge. 22 00:00:46,061 --> 00:00:48,780 She's 1,000 steps from glory. 23 00:00:48,809 --> 00:00:51,911 Like the rest of you, she was motivated by my stingy praise. 24 00:00:51,979 --> 00:00:53,813 As I look around the room, I see nothing but winners, 25 00:00:53,881 --> 00:00:55,381 and I couldn't be prouder. 26 00:00:55,449 --> 00:00:59,018 To us! Everyone here is a winner. 27 00:01:09,496 --> 00:01:14,496 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com 28 00:01:15,436 --> 00:01:17,015 Oh, you knew I was nervous 29 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,572 about the big game, so you set out my... Okay. 30 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,274 Sprinkles are for heroes. 31 00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:24,489 Here, Daddy. Thank you for protecting us. 32 00:01:25,146 --> 00:01:28,381 We're all so proud of Mitchell about what happened the other day. 33 00:01:28,449 --> 00:01:30,350 What I was thinking was, we could... (GASPS) 34 00:01:30,417 --> 00:01:32,886 - Oh, my gosh! - Was there a break-in? 35 00:01:32,953 --> 00:01:34,387 Yeah, yeah. It was... It was crazy. 36 00:01:34,455 --> 00:01:37,791 I just started yelling at him, and I guess I scared him away, so... 37 00:01:37,858 --> 00:01:40,326 Oh, my gosh, sweetie. Are you okay? 38 00:01:40,394 --> 00:01:41,861 Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. 39 00:01:41,929 --> 00:01:43,429 - You're so brave. - Oh, honey. 40 00:01:43,497 --> 00:01:45,298 So proud. 41 00:01:45,366 --> 00:01:47,600 If the robber comes back when Brave Daddy isn't here, 42 00:01:47,668 --> 00:01:49,803 - we can use these. - Okay, no, no, no, no. 43 00:01:49,870 --> 00:01:52,705 I had to confiscate those at school. They're very dangerous, 44 00:01:52,773 --> 00:01:55,074 and, plus, you should avoid the cliché. 45 00:01:55,142 --> 00:01:58,144 Confiscating contraband is part of my new job at school. 46 00:01:58,212 --> 00:02:02,115 I was recently promoted to (CHUCKLES) acting vice principal. 47 00:02:02,183 --> 00:02:05,752 Which has nothing to do with acting. That was made very clear to me. 48 00:02:05,820 --> 00:02:08,154 Hey. Hey. Y-You seem a little nervous. 49 00:02:08,222 --> 00:02:09,522 Are you... Are you worried about the big game? 50 00:02:09,590 --> 00:02:11,124 Yeah. I'm a little nervous. 51 00:02:11,192 --> 00:02:14,160 The Rattlesnakes have beat us the last six years, and we cannot lose. 52 00:02:14,228 --> 00:02:16,296 Is any of this because their coach is a woman? 53 00:02:16,363 --> 00:02:18,531 I mean, shouldn't we be rooting for her, because... 54 00:02:18,599 --> 00:02:21,501 Oh, what, because she's another straight person coaching football? 55 00:02:21,569 --> 00:02:23,407 - Well, good luck. - Thank you, sweetie. 56 00:02:23,427 --> 00:02:25,161 You know, I can't promise that I'll make you as proud 57 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:27,530 as your daddy who fought off a burglar, but I will try. 58 00:02:27,598 --> 00:02:29,399 You know, there's murmurs that the booster club 59 00:02:29,467 --> 00:02:31,735 is gonna divert some of our money to the science program 60 00:02:31,802 --> 00:02:33,970 because that's what made the Kennedys cool, you know, 61 00:02:34,038 --> 00:02:36,573 playing science on the lawn. 62 00:02:37,041 --> 00:02:39,008 Ow! The first person who figures out... 63 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:42,145 how to stick these numbers right on is gonna be rich. 64 00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:44,273 You could just pin it to your shirt before you put it on. 65 00:02:44,341 --> 00:02:47,243 Have you shared this idea with anyone else? 66 00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:49,812 When Alex was a baby, I used to throw her in a jogging stroller, 67 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,081 and she was my running buddy. 68 00:02:52,149 --> 00:02:54,617 This week, when she found out I was doing a 10K, 69 00:02:54,685 --> 00:02:56,352 she insisted on coming. 70 00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:58,020 Snore. 71 00:02:58,088 --> 00:03:00,189 I'm using my mom as a subject for my stupid psych paper 72 00:03:00,257 --> 00:03:02,358 because I started too late to sign out a monkey. 73 00:03:02,426 --> 00:03:04,794 It's about positive versus negative reinforcement. 74 00:03:04,861 --> 00:03:07,229 First half of the race... "You can do it, Mom!" 75 00:03:07,297 --> 00:03:09,465 Second half... "It's not your day, lady!" 76 00:03:09,533 --> 00:03:10,966 Thankfully, after it's done, 77 00:03:11,034 --> 00:03:12,968 I'll still be able to give out the banana I bought. 78 00:03:13,036 --> 00:03:15,037 GLORIA: Thank you so much for taking care of Joe. 79 00:03:15,105 --> 00:03:17,640 I still have to get some things from the store for dinner. 80 00:03:17,708 --> 00:03:18,874 - It's no problem. - (CHUCKLES) 81 00:03:18,942 --> 00:03:21,043 I got a lot of knowledge to pass on. 82 00:03:21,111 --> 00:03:22,745 You been practicing your burping drills? 83 00:03:22,813 --> 00:03:24,747 (BURPS) (BURPING) Yes! 84 00:03:24,815 --> 00:03:26,682 - Better. - Okay, enough chitchat. 85 00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:28,217 Give me the V.I.P. pass for the sale. 86 00:03:28,285 --> 00:03:30,720 Everybody's heard of the H. Bronfman Clothiers 87 00:03:30,787 --> 00:03:34,390 Black Friday sale where the hoi polloi fight over tuxedos like animals. 88 00:03:34,458 --> 00:03:36,325 But on Thanksgiving Day, 89 00:03:36,393 --> 00:03:38,561 a select few are invited to get first crack. 90 00:03:38,628 --> 00:03:40,396 If I get everything I want, 91 00:03:40,464 --> 00:03:43,632 that tux will be 80% off in Tammy Bosworth's dorm room. 92 00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:45,134 Black gold. 93 00:03:45,202 --> 00:03:46,869 I got it as a tip from some club members... 94 00:03:46,937 --> 00:03:48,537 who had me "deal" with some geese. 95 00:03:48,605 --> 00:03:51,006 You will not taint this experience. 96 00:03:51,074 --> 00:03:52,441 (GLORIA GASPS) 97 00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:54,543 Claire, why do you have that number? 98 00:03:54,611 --> 00:03:56,412 Are you in a pageant? 99 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,482 She's running a 10K. And she is going to do great. 100 00:03:59,549 --> 00:04:04,353 (SIGHS) I know that you're gonna make us oh-so proud! 101 00:04:04,421 --> 00:04:06,088 Obviously, this was meant to be a group hug, 102 00:04:06,156 --> 00:04:07,890 and my invitation got lost in the mail. 103 00:04:07,958 --> 00:04:10,559 Phil... that crazy phone booth 104 00:04:10,627 --> 00:04:12,228 that you ordered for your magic trick... 105 00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,696 It's already at my house. 106 00:04:13,764 --> 00:04:17,533 It's here two days early?! I can shoot my how-to video today! 107 00:04:17,601 --> 00:04:20,302 Haley! Showtime! 108 00:04:20,370 --> 00:04:22,004 It goes without saying that the greatest trick... 109 00:04:22,072 --> 00:04:24,340 to come out of World War II is the Normandy Phone Booth. 110 00:04:24,407 --> 00:04:28,244 Over the years, its reputation has ebbed and flowed. 111 00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:29,445 It was famously booed 112 00:04:29,513 --> 00:04:31,614 at the 1969 Narragansett Magic Festival. 113 00:04:31,681 --> 00:04:35,451 Of course, this is a time when most people are into protest magic. 114 00:04:35,519 --> 00:04:39,255 So naturally, they would thumb their nose at a classic trick 115 00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:42,925 where a heroic soldier dashes into a phone booth 116 00:04:42,993 --> 00:04:45,094 to make a world-saving call 117 00:04:45,162 --> 00:04:47,296 while it slowly fills with water! 118 00:04:47,364 --> 00:04:49,698 Come on, hippies! 119 00:04:49,766 --> 00:04:52,768 God! 120 00:04:52,836 --> 00:04:54,603 All right, buddy. Run outside and play real quick. 121 00:04:54,671 --> 00:04:56,071 I'm gonna take care of something upstairs. 122 00:04:56,139 --> 00:04:58,073 I had to update my profile pic 123 00:04:58,141 --> 00:05:00,409 on this new social-media app called Inseam. 124 00:05:00,477 --> 00:05:03,279 It's super cool. No one knows about it. 125 00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:05,714 Some old guys were using it for home tailoring, 126 00:05:05,782 --> 00:05:07,149 but then two Brooklyn DJs 127 00:05:07,217 --> 00:05:09,485 started sharing a couple of videos on it, and it blew up. 128 00:05:09,553 --> 00:05:10,820 Not approachable. 129 00:05:10,887 --> 00:05:11,987 Too approachable. 130 00:05:12,055 --> 00:05:13,956 - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - There's my guy. 131 00:05:14,024 --> 00:05:16,725 - (CELLPHONE RINGS) - What's up? 132 00:05:16,793 --> 00:05:18,093 Dude, I was just about to leave, 133 00:05:18,161 --> 00:05:19,728 and I saw your new pic popped up on Inseam. 134 00:05:19,796 --> 00:05:20,930 You're on Inseam? 135 00:05:20,997 --> 00:05:22,331 Yes, I've been on it for a week. 136 00:05:22,399 --> 00:05:25,367 Okay, look at your picture. Joe is in a tree behind you. 137 00:05:26,161 --> 00:05:27,161 Whoa! 138 00:05:27,229 --> 00:05:28,897 Aah! Aah. 139 00:05:28,964 --> 00:05:31,359 Oh, my God, he's right there! Hang on, Joe! 140 00:05:31,379 --> 00:05:32,379 - (CELLPHONE BEEPS) - Hello? 141 00:05:32,387 --> 00:05:34,688 - What's going on with Joe? - You're on Inseam? 142 00:05:34,756 --> 00:05:37,858 Of course I'm on Inseam. Is my son hanging from a tree? 143 00:05:37,926 --> 00:05:39,044 Oh, that's great! 144 00:05:39,069 --> 00:05:41,628 You fell for it. I'm, uh... I'm getting pretty good at Photoshop. 145 00:05:41,696 --> 00:05:43,363 That's a fake picture? 146 00:05:43,431 --> 00:05:45,666 Yeah, I got a bunch of Joe doing dangerous stuff. 147 00:05:45,733 --> 00:05:47,701 You're gonna have to show me this later, okay? 148 00:05:47,769 --> 00:05:49,503 Will do. 149 00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:51,305 - (SIGHS) - Well, thanks to you, 150 00:05:51,372 --> 00:05:53,140 now I'm all sweaty, and it's gonna be impossible 151 00:05:53,207 --> 00:05:54,241 to judge the silk shirts. 152 00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:56,076 They're supposed to blouse, not cling. 153 00:05:56,144 --> 00:05:57,611 Hey, can I see that card for a second? 154 00:05:57,679 --> 00:06:00,247 - What are you doing? - I'll put this card back in your hand 155 00:06:00,315 --> 00:06:02,883 when you Photoshop that kid's head in an alligator's mouth. 156 00:06:04,585 --> 00:06:06,553 ANNOUNCER: Upper Valley on the 2-yard line 157 00:06:06,621 --> 00:06:07,955 with 10 seconds to go. 158 00:06:08,022 --> 00:06:09,623 A touchdown will win the game. 159 00:06:09,691 --> 00:06:11,758 Okay, timeout! Timeout! 160 00:06:11,826 --> 00:06:13,694 Let's go, Dolphins! 161 00:06:13,761 --> 00:06:15,295 Coach, what is our defense? 162 00:06:15,363 --> 00:06:17,064 Okay, you know what? It's a running situation, 163 00:06:17,131 --> 00:06:18,799 but they've been killing us with that pass all day. 164 00:06:18,866 --> 00:06:20,467 My gut tells me they're gonna pass, but... (STAMMERS) 165 00:06:20,535 --> 00:06:23,136 Okay, just let me think about it. Move. Move! 166 00:06:23,204 --> 00:06:24,938 - (STATIC) - COACH: Those dumb bastards 167 00:06:25,006 --> 00:06:28,408 are going to be thinking pass, which is why we're going to run. 168 00:06:28,476 --> 00:06:30,010 Trap Two, on the left side. 169 00:06:30,078 --> 00:06:31,411 CAMERON: My vice principal walkie-talkie 170 00:06:31,479 --> 00:06:32,646 accidentally picked up that Upper Valley coach 171 00:06:32,714 --> 00:06:34,114 calling her dumb lady play. 172 00:06:34,182 --> 00:06:36,950 Now, was I gonna change my defense? 173 00:06:37,018 --> 00:06:40,587 Only some spineless win-at-all-costs glory hound 174 00:06:40,655 --> 00:06:44,491 would choose winning over showing some moral fiber. 175 00:06:44,559 --> 00:06:46,159 ANNOUNCER: Dolphins win! Dolphins win! 176 00:06:46,227 --> 00:06:47,561 Yes! 177 00:06:47,628 --> 00:06:48,628 (TEAM WHOOPING) 178 00:06:48,696 --> 00:06:51,264 (TEAM CHEERING) 179 00:06:51,332 --> 00:06:53,166 JAY: Everybody in that stadium, 180 00:06:53,234 --> 00:06:54,735 including me, was expecting a pass. 181 00:06:54,802 --> 00:06:56,370 But your instincts told you something else. 182 00:06:56,437 --> 00:06:59,506 - That's big-time, my friend. - Well, I-I-I appreciate it, Jay. 183 00:06:59,574 --> 00:07:00,607 Uh, thank you. 184 00:07:00,675 --> 00:07:01,708 (WHISPERING) Mitchell! 185 00:07:03,511 --> 00:07:04,778 I'm a fraud. 186 00:07:04,846 --> 00:07:05,946 Well, then stop telling that barista 187 00:07:06,014 --> 00:07:07,948 that you understudied Javert on Broadway. 188 00:07:08,016 --> 00:07:09,983 He knows your name. He can look it up. 189 00:07:10,051 --> 00:07:12,319 No, I overheard the lady coach call her play on my walkie-talkie, 190 00:07:12,387 --> 00:07:14,254 and I changed my defense to win the game. 191 00:07:14,322 --> 00:07:16,456 And now I'm having anxiety, and I have to confess. 192 00:07:16,524 --> 00:07:18,158 No, you... you are not gonna confess. 193 00:07:18,226 --> 00:07:20,227 You're gonna smush that anxiety into a little ball, 194 00:07:20,294 --> 00:07:22,095 and you're gonna push it into that little, tiny hole 195 00:07:22,163 --> 00:07:23,764 in your soul where childhood traumas go. 196 00:07:23,831 --> 00:07:25,832 Everybody here is a winner. 197 00:07:25,900 --> 00:07:28,201 If you end up being the one loser at the table, 198 00:07:28,269 --> 00:07:31,038 I'm gonna get nothing but condescending pity from everybody. 199 00:07:31,105 --> 00:07:34,174 Especially Claire, that insufferable phony. 200 00:07:34,242 --> 00:07:35,842 - Mm. - (WHISPERING) Hey, so pretty! 201 00:07:39,054 --> 00:07:40,062 Luke! 202 00:07:40,086 --> 00:07:43,162 Oh, hey Gloria. Sure love those bangs. 203 00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:44,496 What's the story with those? 204 00:07:44,564 --> 00:07:46,231 I know you have been avoiding me... 205 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,135 because there are no Photoshopped pictures of Joe in danger. 206 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,737 And the the answer to your question is very simple... 207 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:52,905 They frame my face. 208 00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,740 Oh, those pictures. 209 00:07:55,584 --> 00:07:58,053 (CELLPHONE VIBRATES) 210 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,555 Here we are. 211 00:08:00,623 --> 00:08:04,794 - Ah. Joe poking a bees' nest. - Mm-hmm. 212 00:08:04,849 --> 00:08:08,318 Oh, and Joe killing Lee Harvey Oswald. 213 00:08:08,386 --> 00:08:10,187 So cute. 214 00:08:10,255 --> 00:08:13,357 Jay, Luke is a genius. 215 00:08:13,792 --> 00:08:14,858 Thanks, buddy. 216 00:08:14,926 --> 00:08:16,360 You can go do your fancy shopping now. 217 00:08:16,428 --> 00:08:18,529 Awesome. To make up for the time I lost, 218 00:08:18,596 --> 00:08:21,198 I'm gonna baby oil my heels so I can try on shoes faster. 219 00:08:21,266 --> 00:08:24,101 Phil, did you see this Photoshop stuff that Luke did? 220 00:08:24,169 --> 00:08:25,602 He's a real magician. 221 00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:26,970 I guess he came by it honestly. 222 00:08:27,038 --> 00:08:28,272 (LAUGHS) 223 00:08:28,339 --> 00:08:30,574 That means the world to me, Jay. 224 00:08:30,642 --> 00:08:32,042 I'm living a lie. 225 00:08:32,110 --> 00:08:35,179 Claire, everyone in this family's a winner except for me. 226 00:08:35,246 --> 00:08:37,481 Abraka-failure. 227 00:08:37,549 --> 00:08:39,650 Ready to fill this thing up? 228 00:08:39,717 --> 00:08:42,052 Um, yeah. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 229 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:43,287 The... The whole reason we're here... 230 00:08:43,354 --> 00:08:45,489 is to use the pool water, which is recyclable. 231 00:08:45,557 --> 00:08:47,391 I'm sort of a hero in the sustainable magic movement. 232 00:08:47,459 --> 00:08:49,993 I'd hate to lose my three green rabbits rating. 233 00:08:50,079 --> 00:08:51,995 Okay. Should we start filming? 234 00:08:52,063 --> 00:08:53,997 For sure. Yeah. For sure. 235 00:08:54,065 --> 00:08:56,700 I-I-I think I'll... I'll probably just take a quick minute. 236 00:08:56,768 --> 00:08:58,702 As a young man, I had no fear of any trick 237 00:08:58,770 --> 00:09:00,471 where I was jammed into tight spaces... 238 00:09:00,538 --> 00:09:03,440 Fox in a Box, The Wrong Shepherd, Einstein's Birdbath. 239 00:09:03,508 --> 00:09:06,844 Lately, though, I have had a touch of claustrophobia, 240 00:09:06,911 --> 00:09:08,378 which is usually cleared up 241 00:09:08,446 --> 00:09:11,081 by a quick call to my super-supportive wife. 242 00:09:11,149 --> 00:09:12,749 Oh, you finally picked up. 243 00:09:12,817 --> 00:09:14,351 No, no, it's not an emergency. 244 00:09:14,419 --> 00:09:16,720 I just... Hello? Claire? 245 00:09:16,788 --> 00:09:18,355 Just give me the word, Dad. 246 00:09:18,423 --> 00:09:20,324 Oh. Yep. Uh... 247 00:09:20,391 --> 00:09:21,825 Let's... 248 00:09:21,893 --> 00:09:22,893 Let's do this. 249 00:09:22,961 --> 00:09:24,561 Great. Ready? 250 00:09:24,629 --> 00:09:26,430 - Yeah. - And...action. 251 00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:28,699 Hello, and congratulations on your purchase 252 00:09:28,766 --> 00:09:29,833 of the Normandy Phone Booth. 253 00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:31,401 The following will demonstrate 254 00:09:31,469 --> 00:09:34,705 just how much fun you've... dialed up. 255 00:09:34,772 --> 00:09:37,074 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 256 00:09:41,011 --> 00:09:44,181 Here we are on D-Day. Where's the damned air support? 257 00:09:44,249 --> 00:09:46,550 Oh, good. 258 00:09:46,618 --> 00:09:49,086 A p... phone booth. 259 00:09:49,154 --> 00:09:51,255 I hear the Nazis have booby-trapped these, 260 00:09:51,322 --> 00:09:52,956 but I will... 261 00:09:53,024 --> 00:09:56,727 I definitely will take the risk of calling Allied Command. 262 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:03,800 Hello, General. 263 00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:07,271 Yes, the enemy is all around us. 264 00:10:08,171 --> 00:10:10,741 Blast! (BREATHING RAPIDLY) 265 00:10:10,808 --> 00:10:12,809 This is (GASPING) one of the phone booths 266 00:10:12,877 --> 00:10:14,111 that's booby-trapped. 267 00:10:14,179 --> 00:10:15,512 Oh, no! 268 00:10:15,580 --> 00:10:19,262 (WHIMPERS) Yes, General, the enemy is closing in! 269 00:10:19,650 --> 00:10:22,352 There's no esca... Haley! Get me out of here! 270 00:10:22,420 --> 00:10:25,322 - Who's Haley? I'm Nurse Rutherford. - (SCREAMS) 271 00:10:25,390 --> 00:10:27,858 If I can't do this trick, my magic shop... 272 00:10:27,926 --> 00:10:29,993 is gonna be the laughingstock of the mini-mall. 273 00:10:30,061 --> 00:10:31,795 And there's still a Blockbuster there. 274 00:10:31,863 --> 00:10:33,797 Honey, I know you're going through something, 275 00:10:33,865 --> 00:10:35,299 but you need to keep it to yourself, 276 00:10:35,366 --> 00:10:38,068 because we will not be the loser family this year. 277 00:10:38,136 --> 00:10:39,336 - JAY: Claire. - Yeah? 278 00:10:39,404 --> 00:10:40,537 I had a genius idea. 279 00:10:40,605 --> 00:10:42,639 Your race went right by Pritchett's Closets. 280 00:10:42,707 --> 00:10:44,208 - Uh-huh. - Pull the security tape. 281 00:10:44,275 --> 00:10:46,310 We'll blow up a frame of you in the lead and run a big ad... 282 00:10:46,377 --> 00:10:49,413 "Pritchett's. Leading the Pack for 30 Years." 283 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,415 - Genius! - I love it, Dad! Yes! 284 00:10:51,482 --> 00:10:52,516 I am on that! 285 00:10:52,584 --> 00:10:54,151 (LAUGHING) Wow. 286 00:10:54,219 --> 00:10:55,485 We have problem. 287 00:10:55,553 --> 00:10:56,653 I had a problem. 288 00:10:56,721 --> 00:10:58,155 (RINGTONE PLAYS) 289 00:10:58,223 --> 00:11:00,157 H-H... Hello? 290 00:11:00,225 --> 00:11:02,626 Hel... (SIGHS) Damn it. 291 00:11:02,694 --> 00:11:04,261 Phil, this better be an emergency. 292 00:11:04,329 --> 00:11:06,029 Oh, you finally picked up. 293 00:11:06,097 --> 00:11:07,631 No, no, it's not an emergency. I just... 294 00:11:07,699 --> 00:11:10,500 I'm running a race, and you just screwed up my playlist! 295 00:11:10,568 --> 00:11:11,969 (CELLPHONE BEEPS) 296 00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:16,807 From that point on, 297 00:11:16,874 --> 00:11:18,742 I was no longer on the actual race course. 298 00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:21,745 (PANTING) Thank you! 299 00:11:22,947 --> 00:11:25,449 Thanks. 300 00:11:25,516 --> 00:11:29,353 I guess I hit a point where I funneled back onto the course. 301 00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:31,688 I did notice that I seemed to have more energy 302 00:11:31,756 --> 00:11:33,190 than the few people in front of me, 303 00:11:33,258 --> 00:11:36,326 but I didn't... I didn't think much of it. 304 00:11:36,394 --> 00:11:38,629 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 305 00:11:38,696 --> 00:11:41,198 I did it! I won! I won! 306 00:11:41,266 --> 00:11:42,399 Did you see that, honey? I won! 307 00:11:42,467 --> 00:11:44,001 Uh, no, you didn't. 308 00:11:44,068 --> 00:11:45,736 I was standing at the 5K mark and never saw you. 309 00:11:45,803 --> 00:11:47,571 - What? - GLORIA: Claire! 310 00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:49,740 I was at the store, and I saw you win! 311 00:11:49,807 --> 00:11:51,808 - Oh, honey! - Oh! 312 00:11:51,876 --> 00:11:55,646 - Oh. - I know her! She's my stepdaughter! 313 00:11:55,713 --> 00:11:56,880 There's not gonna be any footage... 314 00:11:56,948 --> 00:11:58,115 of you running past Pritchett's Closets 315 00:11:58,182 --> 00:12:00,417 because you cut two miles out of a six-mile race. 316 00:12:00,485 --> 00:12:02,319 Better tell Grandpa you didn't win. 317 00:12:02,387 --> 00:12:04,788 Oh, you are my moral compass. 318 00:12:04,856 --> 00:12:06,957 Which is why I don't want to talk to you for the rest of the day. 319 00:12:07,025 --> 00:12:09,693 Luke! I need a favor, no questions asked. 320 00:12:09,761 --> 00:12:11,194 What do you need? Phone cards? 321 00:12:11,262 --> 00:12:14,064 No. I need you to Photoshop a picture of me from today 322 00:12:14,132 --> 00:12:16,166 running in front of Pritchett's Closets. 323 00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:18,035 No problem. 324 00:12:18,102 --> 00:12:20,904 - New problem. - I... 325 00:12:22,974 --> 00:12:24,408 I want to grab a picture of you and Claire. 326 00:12:24,475 --> 00:12:26,243 I want to post it on my Inseam account. 327 00:12:26,311 --> 00:12:27,344 Oh, what's Inseam? 328 00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:28,712 - I use it for home tailoring. - Oh. 329 00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:29,813 - Claire. - Yeah? 330 00:12:29,881 --> 00:12:30,914 Could you get in here, please? 331 00:12:30,982 --> 00:12:34,051 - My two superstars. - Okay! (LAUGHS) 332 00:12:34,118 --> 00:12:35,802 I can't believe you won with that bad knee. 333 00:12:35,827 --> 00:12:36,850 (LAUGHS) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) 334 00:12:36,888 --> 00:12:38,922 Well, at least if somebody tries to steal that thing, 335 00:12:38,990 --> 00:12:40,057 they got to get through this guy. 336 00:12:40,124 --> 00:12:42,693 I just did what any hero would do. 337 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:44,261 - It's... (CHUCKLES) - Are you wearing makeup? 338 00:12:44,329 --> 00:12:46,229 Uh, well, yeah. I got a bruise. 339 00:12:46,297 --> 00:12:48,632 I thought... I thought you screamed and he ran away? 340 00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:50,934 Uh, well, there was a... There was a scuffle. 341 00:12:51,002 --> 00:12:52,369 You went with your instinct. 342 00:12:52,437 --> 00:12:53,937 Fight or flight. You fought. 343 00:12:54,005 --> 00:12:56,039 I'm gonna post this on Inseam. 344 00:12:56,107 --> 00:12:57,207 Double-click. 345 00:12:57,775 --> 00:12:59,810 - Damn it! - You fought. 346 00:12:59,877 --> 00:13:01,511 - Mm-hmm. - You fought? 347 00:13:01,579 --> 00:13:03,380 Uh-huh. How close did you get to this "intruder"? 348 00:13:03,448 --> 00:13:05,148 Okay, Claire. That is just about enough. 349 00:13:05,216 --> 00:13:06,450 Mitchell suffered a trauma, 350 00:13:06,517 --> 00:13:08,719 and I don't appreciate your mocking tone. 351 00:13:08,786 --> 00:13:11,254 - Excuse us. - Okay? 352 00:13:11,322 --> 00:13:12,789 - (SIGHS) - Thank you, sweetie. 353 00:13:12,857 --> 00:13:14,624 Okay, look, we both know two things for certain... 354 00:13:14,692 --> 00:13:18,161 I look fabulous in coral, and you didn't fight off any intruder. 355 00:13:18,229 --> 00:13:19,796 There... There is a backstory. 356 00:13:19,864 --> 00:13:22,566 In the summer of 1984, inspired by "The Karate Kid," 357 00:13:22,633 --> 00:13:24,835 I went through a martial arts phase. 358 00:13:24,902 --> 00:13:26,737 When Cam brought those nunchucks home, 359 00:13:26,804 --> 00:13:28,839 it was just too much to resist. 360 00:13:28,906 --> 00:13:31,108 Hello, old friend. 361 00:13:31,175 --> 00:13:33,196 (SIGHS) 30 years later, 362 00:13:33,221 --> 00:13:36,546 once again, it was time to sweep the leg. 363 00:13:36,614 --> 00:13:38,215 (EXHALING DEEPLY) 364 00:13:38,282 --> 00:13:39,416 (BREATHING SHARPLY) 365 00:13:42,453 --> 00:13:44,321 - Oh! Oh. - (GLASS SHATTERING) 366 00:13:44,389 --> 00:13:45,856 Oh, God. Oh, no! 367 00:13:48,926 --> 00:13:50,694 (SIGHS) 368 00:13:53,431 --> 00:13:55,432 Why didn't you just tell me? I don't know. 369 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,234 You... You walked in, and you asked if there was a break-in, 370 00:13:57,301 --> 00:14:00,337 and I-I was embarrassed and possibly concussed, 371 00:14:00,405 --> 00:14:02,005 so I just... I went with it. 372 00:14:02,073 --> 00:14:04,207 Besides, my dad and Claire cannot know, okay? 373 00:14:04,275 --> 00:14:07,177 That whole "Karate Kid" summer, they called me "Kung Sue." 374 00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:08,345 Oh. 375 00:14:08,413 --> 00:14:11,948 Turkey is gonna be ready in 10 minutes! 376 00:14:12,016 --> 00:14:13,517 - Where is Phil? - I'll let him know. 377 00:14:13,584 --> 00:14:15,318 Okay. 378 00:14:15,386 --> 00:14:16,553 (THUD) 379 00:14:16,621 --> 00:14:18,155 - 10 minutes. - PHIL: I can't take it! 380 00:14:18,222 --> 00:14:20,557 Just breathe, Dad. We are breaking this fear of yours. 381 00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:23,226 - I'm dying here! - Hey, hey, hey! Look at me. 382 00:14:23,294 --> 00:14:24,561 Do you want to spend the rest of your life 383 00:14:24,629 --> 00:14:26,496 as an open-space magician? 384 00:14:28,132 --> 00:14:30,300 Yeah. 385 00:14:30,368 --> 00:14:34,838 Jay, I saw on Inseam that there was a Thanksgiving pageant 386 00:14:34,906 --> 00:14:36,406 at Joe's school. 387 00:14:36,474 --> 00:14:38,574 Why didn't you tell me? 388 00:14:39,716 --> 00:14:40,877 I totally forgot. 389 00:14:40,945 --> 00:14:43,547 Joe hasn't been in school for a week. 390 00:14:43,614 --> 00:14:45,415 I had a falling-out with his teacher. 391 00:14:45,483 --> 00:14:48,318 And got sent to the principal's office. 392 00:14:48,386 --> 00:14:50,353 You said some pretty harsh things to Mrs. Barrish. 393 00:14:50,421 --> 00:14:54,257 In my defense, um, this banquet she's planning 394 00:14:54,325 --> 00:14:56,259 is not historically accurate. 395 00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:59,729 For example, I don't remember a tandoori chicken option 396 00:14:59,797 --> 00:15:01,264 at the first Thanksgiving. 397 00:15:01,332 --> 00:15:03,433 We have children here from many ethnicities, 398 00:15:03,501 --> 00:15:05,268 and we try to make them all feel included. 399 00:15:05,336 --> 00:15:09,272 Be that as it may, history does not record Pocahontas 400 00:15:09,340 --> 00:15:12,609 asking John Smith to pass the sashimi roll 401 00:15:12,677 --> 00:15:14,945 while Myles Standish helps himself 402 00:15:15,012 --> 00:15:18,114 to gluten-free huevos rancheros! 403 00:15:18,182 --> 00:15:20,883 After that, it got heated, and we got expelled. 404 00:15:21,107 --> 00:15:22,419 "We"? 405 00:15:23,263 --> 00:15:25,322 But they'll call. They need my check. 406 00:15:25,389 --> 00:15:27,224 Why didn't the school tell me anything? 407 00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:29,392 It's like I am off their e-mail list. 408 00:15:29,460 --> 00:15:30,760 Huh. 409 00:15:30,828 --> 00:15:32,629 I didn't even see the costumes. 410 00:15:32,697 --> 00:15:34,097 Well, he didn't have a costume. 411 00:15:34,165 --> 00:15:36,733 No, he was the narrator. Kid told the whole story. 412 00:15:36,801 --> 00:15:38,969 Ay, papi­. 413 00:15:39,036 --> 00:15:41,137 You must have been so cute. 414 00:15:41,205 --> 00:15:43,974 Why don't you perform it for everybody at dinner? 415 00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:46,643 I'll go get my phone, and we'll film it. 416 00:15:46,711 --> 00:15:48,311 - Okay? - (LAUGHING) Yes. 417 00:15:49,947 --> 00:15:53,917 I gotta get you up to speed in a hurry, buddy. 418 00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:56,913 The story of Thanksgiving. Here goes. 419 00:15:56,948 --> 00:15:59,089 It's no use! I can't do it! 420 00:15:59,156 --> 00:16:00,690 Aaahh! 421 00:16:02,134 --> 00:16:04,834 GLORIA: 99,999... 422 00:16:04,859 --> 00:16:06,411 100,000! 423 00:16:06,436 --> 00:16:08,555 (LAUGHS) Son of a bitch, she did it! 424 00:16:10,050 --> 00:16:11,216 See that, people? 425 00:16:11,284 --> 00:16:13,419 Another person doing their best, thanks to me. 426 00:16:13,486 --> 00:16:15,320 - (INDISTINCT MURMURING) - It's time to eat. 427 00:16:15,388 --> 00:16:18,857 Hey, Google, how much time left on the turkey? 428 00:16:18,925 --> 00:16:20,125 GOOGLE ASSISTANT: Two minutes remaining. 429 00:16:20,193 --> 00:16:23,562 See? I can control that crazy doughnut, I can do the steps. 430 00:16:23,630 --> 00:16:27,066 I have two achievements, and the rest have only one. 431 00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,300 So, Grandpa really motivated you 432 00:16:28,368 --> 00:16:29,902 by telling you you couldn't do something, huh? 433 00:16:29,969 --> 00:16:33,105 I need to see that My StepCounter for a paper I'm writing. 434 00:16:33,173 --> 00:16:35,340 Everybody achieved something today, 435 00:16:35,408 --> 00:16:37,409 so now it's Joe's turn. 436 00:16:37,477 --> 00:16:41,046 Joe... tell us about the first Thanksgiving. 437 00:16:41,114 --> 00:16:42,247 - (LAUGHING) Oh! - Come up here, buddy. 438 00:16:42,315 --> 00:16:43,582 You got this. 439 00:16:43,650 --> 00:16:47,086 There was once a land of godless natives. 440 00:16:47,153 --> 00:16:48,754 They did not know any better 441 00:16:48,822 --> 00:16:50,789 until, one day, the white man arrived. 442 00:16:50,857 --> 00:16:52,357 What is this? 443 00:16:52,425 --> 00:16:54,760 The white man took pity on these primitives... 444 00:16:54,828 --> 00:16:57,329 by teaching them to cultivate the land. 445 00:16:57,397 --> 00:17:00,766 But their kindness was mistaken for aggression, 446 00:17:00,834 --> 00:17:03,936 and a war began. 447 00:17:04,003 --> 00:17:05,604 What kind of school is this? 448 00:17:05,672 --> 00:17:07,506 - This is what I was taught. - What? 449 00:17:07,574 --> 00:17:11,176 Eventually, peace was restored, 450 00:17:11,244 --> 00:17:15,114 and we bestowed them with our nation's highest honor... 451 00:17:15,181 --> 00:17:16,782 naming football teams for them. 452 00:17:16,850 --> 00:17:18,884 Joe, what play is this? 453 00:17:18,952 --> 00:17:21,653 I wasn't in a play! I don't go to school anymore! 454 00:17:24,991 --> 00:17:26,792 All right, fine. 455 00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:28,460 We got kicked out, okay? 456 00:17:28,528 --> 00:17:29,795 Little argument with the principal. 457 00:17:29,863 --> 00:17:31,630 You've been lying to me 458 00:17:31,698 --> 00:17:35,267 while I was celebrating you as an amazing father? 459 00:17:35,335 --> 00:17:36,902 Hey, Gloria, this is weird. 460 00:17:36,970 --> 00:17:38,871 You know, I downloaded your My StepCounter data 461 00:17:38,938 --> 00:17:40,172 onto my computer, 462 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,707 and it's showing your path this morning... 463 00:17:41,774 --> 00:17:43,142 was the same route my mom took in her race. 464 00:17:43,209 --> 00:17:45,110 Hmm? 465 00:17:45,178 --> 00:17:48,080 I was never going to get 100,000 steps. 466 00:17:48,148 --> 00:17:51,250 But then I learned that Claire was going on a Turkey Trot. 467 00:17:51,317 --> 00:17:53,951 The second time I hugged her, it was a little harder 468 00:17:53,976 --> 00:17:55,354 because she was really wet. 469 00:17:55,421 --> 00:17:58,223 So I'm basically just your StepCounter mule? 470 00:17:58,291 --> 00:17:59,858 I thought you cared about my race. 471 00:17:59,926 --> 00:18:01,260 I love you very much, Claire, 472 00:18:01,327 --> 00:18:04,530 but your exercise doesn't really interest me. 473 00:18:04,597 --> 00:18:07,466 Hang on. When did Claire run past Pritchett's Closets? 474 00:18:07,534 --> 00:18:10,002 'Cause this thing says she never got near it. 475 00:18:10,069 --> 00:18:12,304 Well, it's probably the StepCounter made a mistake. 476 00:18:12,372 --> 00:18:15,541 Oh, yeah, did it? Or... Or... Or did you take a little shortcut? 477 00:18:15,608 --> 00:18:17,910 No, I was probably going so fast it couldn't even keep up with me. 478 00:18:17,977 --> 00:18:22,014 I have a picture of it. Luke? 479 00:18:22,081 --> 00:18:23,482 And there you go. 480 00:18:23,550 --> 00:18:26,084 That is me clearly running in front of Pritchett's Closets. 481 00:18:26,152 --> 00:18:28,520 Oh, yeah, yeah. With a Reagan/Bush poster 482 00:18:28,588 --> 00:18:31,823 in the window, huh? The photo is a fake. 483 00:18:31,891 --> 00:18:33,525 It's not my fault. Manny made it. 484 00:18:33,593 --> 00:18:35,694 Manny was Photoshopping everything? 485 00:18:35,762 --> 00:18:37,930 So Joe was in real danger? 486 00:18:37,997 --> 00:18:40,832 I did not realize how easy it would be for you to connect those dots. 487 00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:42,367 Pretty disappointed in you, Luke. 488 00:18:42,435 --> 00:18:44,236 Well, you know, it's easy to see where he learned it from. 489 00:18:44,304 --> 00:18:46,238 His mother's a cheater! 490 00:18:46,306 --> 00:18:49,074 What?! Oh, don't get so hot and bothered. 491 00:18:49,142 --> 00:18:50,876 Your makeup's already running, and what do... 492 00:18:50,944 --> 00:18:52,711 Do you have a Chinese character on your bruise? 493 00:18:52,779 --> 00:18:54,580 Yeah, it's probably an imprint from the intruder's ring. 494 00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:56,715 He was... I'm sure he was in a gang of some sort. 495 00:18:56,783 --> 00:18:58,183 Just give it up, Mitchell. 496 00:18:58,251 --> 00:18:59,785 He knocked himself out with some nunchucks 497 00:18:59,852 --> 00:19:01,954 that I confiscated as acting vice principal. 498 00:19:02,021 --> 00:19:05,390 Oh, my God! Kung Sue is back. Daddy, did you hear that? 499 00:19:05,458 --> 00:19:08,293 Well, Cam... Cam didn't really win the football game. 500 00:19:08,361 --> 00:19:10,389 Uh-huh. He stole the last play from the lady coach! 501 00:19:10,463 --> 00:19:13,031 Accidentally! I overheard it on a walkie-talkie 502 00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:16,134 that I require as an acting vice principal, 503 00:19:16,202 --> 00:19:17,536 which is a position I'm pretty proud of 504 00:19:17,604 --> 00:19:19,071 because I'm basically a sheriff. 505 00:19:19,138 --> 00:19:21,773 - You're not basically... No. - Yes, I am basically a sheriff! 506 00:19:21,841 --> 00:19:23,075 - (INDISTINCT ARGUING) - I wear a hat! 507 00:19:23,142 --> 00:19:25,577 Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! 508 00:19:25,645 --> 00:19:27,079 Dad is doing his trick, and he's never done it before. 509 00:19:27,146 --> 00:19:28,180 He could die. 510 00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:29,481 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 511 00:19:29,549 --> 00:19:30,849 - Come on! - What trick? 512 00:19:30,917 --> 00:19:32,517 Oh, Phil. Honey, wait! 513 00:19:32,585 --> 00:19:34,686 - You don't have to do this. - Yes, I do! 514 00:19:34,754 --> 00:19:38,056 I'm the only loser in a remarkable family of winners. 515 00:19:38,124 --> 00:19:39,258 No, no, no! 516 00:19:39,325 --> 00:19:40,892 We are not all winners! 517 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,662 It turned out we all stink! 518 00:19:43,730 --> 00:19:47,099 It doesn't matter! I don't want to live a life ruled by fear! 519 00:19:47,166 --> 00:19:49,101 I have to do this trick today. 520 00:19:49,168 --> 00:19:50,235 (BREATHING RAPIDLY) 521 00:19:50,303 --> 00:19:51,970 Although, it is getting hard to breathe! 522 00:19:52,038 --> 00:19:54,806 Don't stop, Dad! You can do this! I believe in you! 523 00:19:54,874 --> 00:19:57,109 - That's not helping, honey! - Very interesting. 524 00:19:57,176 --> 00:19:58,944 Okay, I'm just gonna try to barrel through this. 525 00:19:59,012 --> 00:20:01,613 It's Normandy. I'm an American G.I. named Tony Ranzetti. 526 00:20:01,681 --> 00:20:04,182 I'm from Brooklyn, and I love my mama's home cooking! 527 00:20:04,250 --> 00:20:05,584 But I don't think I'm gonna be able to get out! 528 00:20:05,652 --> 00:20:08,320 Is he talking as Tony Ranzetti or as Phil? 529 00:20:08,388 --> 00:20:12,024 What is wrong with you cowards?! Phil needs help! 530 00:20:12,091 --> 00:20:14,760 - CLAIRE: Kung Sue's back at it. - (CLINK) 531 00:20:14,827 --> 00:20:15,827 - Hey! Hey! - Oh, God! 532 00:20:15,895 --> 00:20:17,162 - Ohh! - Ah! 533 00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:19,208 - It's too late to get out! - No! 534 00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:20,799 This was a mistake!! 535 00:20:20,867 --> 00:20:22,401 Something's wrong. Dad? 536 00:20:22,468 --> 00:20:23,535 Oh, God. Phil! Phil! 537 00:20:23,603 --> 00:20:25,137 (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (SCREAMING) 538 00:20:25,204 --> 00:20:26,471 (ALL SCREAMING) 539 00:20:26,539 --> 00:20:28,140 - Oh, my God! - What... What... 540 00:20:30,009 --> 00:20:32,511 Holy crap, where'd he go?! 541 00:20:32,578 --> 00:20:36,548 Private Ranzetti reporting Operation Overlord is a success. 542 00:20:36,616 --> 00:20:37,716 - Oh! - Wow! 543 00:20:37,784 --> 00:20:39,518 Cocktails are on me. 544 00:20:39,585 --> 00:20:41,820 - That was amazing! - Gotta hand it to you, Phil. 545 00:20:41,888 --> 00:20:43,388 You get the big turkey leg. 546 00:20:43,456 --> 00:20:45,223 Let's take this party to the table! 547 00:20:45,791 --> 00:20:48,126 Come on, hippies. 548 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,564 - (STEPS) - Cam, it's late. 549 00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:57,455 Cam, I have work early in the morning. 550 00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:01,993 Cameron! I cannot sleep! 551 00:21:02,061 --> 00:21:04,077 Well, you should have thought about that before you challenged me 552 00:21:04,102 --> 00:21:05,964 that I couldn't do 100,000 steps in a day. 553 00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:07,232 Well, how close are you? 554 00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:09,601 - 125. - Okay, fine. 555 00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:12,170 (FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE) 556 00:21:12,238 --> 00:21:13,972 Wait. 125 left? 557 00:21:14,039 --> 00:21:16,841 - Nope. - Oh, my God. 558 00:21:17,106 --> 00:21:22,106 Synced and corrected by BLuk www.addic7ed.com