1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,394
What was my best brush with celebrity?
2
00:00:02,478 --> 00:00:04,791
Oh, this is such a good one.
3
00:00:05,216 --> 00:00:07,179
One time I saw Jack Nicholson
at the car wash.
4
00:00:07,214 --> 00:00:08,862
I can't go through this again.
5
00:00:08,897 --> 00:00:11,063
Jack Nicholson does not drive
a Hyundai Odyssey
6
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,184
with a Co-Exist bumper sticker, Cam.
7
00:00:13,489 --> 00:00:16,200
Being in the closet business,
I met a lot of famous people.
8
00:00:16,235 --> 00:00:17,461
I can't name names,
9
00:00:17,503 --> 00:00:20,091
but let's just say it's someone
who's the boss.
10
00:00:20,126 --> 00:00:22,859
- You met Bruce Springsteen?
- No, Tony Danza.
11
00:00:22,894 --> 00:00:25,341
Oh, from the TV show?
Nah, she was the boss.
12
00:00:25,376 --> 00:00:27,339
It's open to interpretation.
13
00:00:27,709 --> 00:00:30,111
I saw Santa Claus at the mall.
14
00:00:32,634 --> 00:00:35,703
"The Unwitting Miss Castle."
What's that about?
15
00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:38,539
It's about three persecuted women
in different time periods,
16
00:00:38,574 --> 00:00:41,351
or one time traveler
with incredibly bad luck.
17
00:00:41,386 --> 00:00:42,447
I don't know which.
18
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,569
Somehow, I was able to join
a very exclusive book club
19
00:00:45,604 --> 00:00:47,783
filled with the most intelligent women.
20
00:00:47,818 --> 00:00:51,812
I can never seem to impress them.
They use words like "sanguine."
21
00:00:51,847 --> 00:00:54,337
I don't want to look like an idiot,
so I use it, too.
22
00:00:54,372 --> 00:00:57,592
Isn't that the most
sanguine thing you ever heard?
23
00:00:57,627 --> 00:00:59,518
You're not using it right.
24
00:01:00,513 --> 00:01:03,765
CLAIRE: I've read the same chapter
eight times... still don't get it.
25
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,728
Just say, "It holds a mirror
up to society."
26
00:01:06,763 --> 00:01:08,416
You'll get your "C"
and get out of there.
27
00:01:08,451 --> 00:01:09,867
Huh.
28
00:01:09,902 --> 00:01:12,363
- Good morning.
- Hi.
29
00:01:12,398 --> 00:01:14,119
Who's that young thing?
30
00:01:14,154 --> 00:01:17,139
Wow, what's up with the outfit,
Mod Squad?
31
00:01:17,174 --> 00:01:19,685
Oh, yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm showing a house to someone.
32
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,448
- Oh.
- I'd rather not say who it is.
33
00:01:21,483 --> 00:01:24,422
- I totally get that.
- It's Chris Martin from Coldplay.
34
00:01:24,457 --> 00:01:27,085
- [GASPS] Come on, really?
- It's not a big deal.
35
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,630
Says the man who spent
most of last night
36
00:01:28,665 --> 00:01:29,890
sewing that flower onto his jeans.
37
00:01:29,925 --> 00:01:31,168
Okay, it's a really big deal.
38
00:01:31,203 --> 00:01:32,745
I'm meeting the man
who sings how I feel.
39
00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:35,427
Yes, his music is so sanguine.
40
00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:36,716
Eh, closer.
41
00:01:36,751 --> 00:01:39,099
Never been a big Coldplay guy.
42
00:01:39,134 --> 00:01:41,666
I'm more into hip-hop, death metal,
"Little Mermaid."
43
00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:44,481
That one really imprinted on me
back in the day.
44
00:01:44,516 --> 00:01:47,850
- My stomach feels weird.
- You're probably just nervous.
45
00:01:47,885 --> 00:01:49,670
Ooh, maybe you need someone
to come with you.
46
00:01:49,705 --> 00:01:51,889
No, he's there to buy a house,
not talk about music,
47
00:01:51,924 --> 00:01:54,134
which is why I'm not even gonna mention
that I'm a songwriter, too.
48
00:01:54,169 --> 00:01:55,376
Oh, you wrote one song.
49
00:01:55,411 --> 00:01:58,039
- I said everything I had to say.
- About a realtor.
50
00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:01,501
It was about life! This is why
they mock you at book club.
51
00:02:09,144 --> 00:02:14,144
Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com.
52
00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:17,155
Oh, here's a brush with celebrity
I can actually talk about.
53
00:02:17,197 --> 00:02:19,003
Last summer, I was called upon
54
00:02:19,087 --> 00:02:21,859
to participate in the most
American of traditions...
55
00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:23,497
getting out of jury duty.
56
00:02:23,581 --> 00:02:26,395
Do you have any experience
with law enforcement?
57
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:29,125
Big time. I-I don't trust, uh, cops.
58
00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:31,141
Also, I despise robbery victims.
59
00:02:31,225 --> 00:02:34,039
They're the real criminals
for clogging up our court system.
60
00:02:34,123 --> 00:02:36,937
- Nice try, Juror 3.
- What about economic hardship?
61
00:02:37,021 --> 00:02:40,801
The last time I missed work,
the California closet market collapsed.
62
00:02:40,843 --> 00:02:42,775
Some people think that
caused the L.A. Riots.
63
00:02:42,817 --> 00:02:44,455
[MOANS]
64
00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:45,757
I must be done talking.
65
00:02:45,841 --> 00:02:47,395
I'm going into labor.
66
00:02:47,479 --> 00:02:49,285
Ma'am, Ma'am, everything's
gonna be all right.
67
00:02:49,327 --> 00:02:51,175
Bailiff, help Juror 11
with anything she needs,
68
00:02:51,259 --> 00:02:53,065
and bring in the next alternate.
69
00:02:53,149 --> 00:02:54,997
Uh, as her Lamaze coach,
70
00:02:55,081 --> 00:02:57,121
I think I should probably
be out in the hall with...
71
00:03:01,632 --> 00:03:04,488
Terry Bradshaw. I love Terry Bradshaw!
72
00:03:04,572 --> 00:03:07,470
Juror 11, is there anything
that might prevent you
73
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,612
from serving effectively on this jury?
74
00:03:09,696 --> 00:03:11,754
No scheduling conflicts, Your Honor.
75
00:03:11,838 --> 00:03:15,408
However, I am going through
kind of a rough patch right now.
76
00:03:15,492 --> 00:03:16,836
You see, I lost my best friend.
77
00:03:16,878 --> 00:03:18,768
Or did he just find one?
78
00:03:18,852 --> 00:03:20,280
But I'm happy to serve.
79
00:03:20,322 --> 00:03:22,380
I believe in the American legal system,
80
00:03:22,422 --> 00:03:24,396
and I believe it's all about teamwork.
81
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,034
[CLAPS]
82
00:03:26,118 --> 00:03:28,176
That's a touchdown of an answer, champ.
83
00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:30,234
Uh, this lady here...
84
00:03:30,318 --> 00:03:31,662
put me down for that.
85
00:03:31,704 --> 00:03:34,266
Are you ready for some justice?
86
00:03:36,770 --> 00:03:39,516
- Oh, my God.
- GLORIA: What? A celebrity?
87
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,204
- It's Sam Anvilmaker.
- Who?
88
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:43,632
He wrote "The Forgetters
and the Forgotten"?
89
00:03:43,674 --> 00:03:46,908
"Farce, American Style"?
"Screw You For Reading This"?
90
00:03:46,992 --> 00:03:48,041
What the hell is happening?
91
00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:51,191
Yes, that one, too!
He's my favorite playwright.
92
00:03:51,275 --> 00:03:53,123
Why don't you go over
and tell him that you're a fan?
93
00:03:53,207 --> 00:03:54,719
Maybe he can give you some advice.
94
00:03:54,761 --> 00:03:58,667
No, no, I wouldn't want to bother him.
He's notoriously private.
95
00:03:58,751 --> 00:04:01,313
He writes in a hollowed-out tree
somewhere in Montana.
96
00:04:01,355 --> 00:04:04,127
- Don't be nervous.
- It just doesn't feel right.
97
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,227
Manny, if somebody admired
my work as much as this,
98
00:04:06,311 --> 00:04:07,697
I would like to know.
99
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:08,957
[SIGHS]
100
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,981
- Go.
- Okay. Here we go.
101
00:04:16,475 --> 00:04:19,205
- Uh, excuse me, Mr. Anvilmaker?
- Let me guess...
102
00:04:19,289 --> 00:04:21,851
I'm the reason you want to be a writer.
103
00:04:21,935 --> 00:04:23,279
Yeah, actually.
104
00:04:23,321 --> 00:04:24,875
Your first play changed
the way that I looked at...
105
00:04:24,917 --> 00:04:25,925
Look, listen, kid.
106
00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:28,943
I'm not here to collect panties
with phone numbers on them.
107
00:04:28,985 --> 00:04:33,401
I'm here to experience the cold
absurdity that is being alive.
108
00:04:33,485 --> 00:04:36,845
So go and find someone else to venerate.
109
00:04:36,929 --> 00:04:40,414
Oh, uh... Sorry for bothering you.
110
00:04:40,498 --> 00:04:41,590
Here's a writing tip...
111
00:04:41,632 --> 00:04:45,034
show me you're sorry for
bothering me. Don't tell me.
112
00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:47,638
GLORIA: Okay, let's take a picture
of the two new best friends.
113
00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:48,898
Come together.
114
00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:51,376
I should never have left my tree.
115
00:04:52,078 --> 00:04:54,232
And then, I saw Daniel Day-Lewis
at our dry cleaner.
116
00:04:54,849 --> 00:04:57,117
Not him. No.
117
00:04:57,201 --> 00:05:00,183
Uh, the time we actually saw a celebrity
was last December
118
00:05:00,225 --> 00:05:02,115
when we were shopping
for gardening supplies.
119
00:05:02,157 --> 00:05:04,341
I'll never forget the feeling
of having Lincoln
120
00:05:04,425 --> 00:05:07,785
look directly into my eyes and saying,
121
00:05:07,869 --> 00:05:12,195
"We couldn't get
the barbecue sauce out."
122
00:05:13,131 --> 00:05:15,735
CAMERON: We both don't need a pair.
We can just share these.
123
00:05:15,777 --> 00:05:17,079
And what if I want my own?
124
00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:19,599
[SCOFFS] We share everything.
We share a toothbrush.
125
00:05:19,641 --> 00:05:21,321
- We do? Oh...
- Oh, my... Oh, my gosh.
126
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:23,505
There's the guy who hosts that home
makeover show we love so much.
127
00:05:23,547 --> 00:05:24,723
- What? Where?
- It's Scott Hunter.
128
00:05:24,807 --> 00:05:26,319
- Scott Hunter is right over there.
- [GASPS]
129
00:05:26,403 --> 00:05:29,636
Every week, Scott Hunter,
the host of "I Beg Your Garden,"
130
00:05:29,678 --> 00:05:31,946
selects an unsuspecting couple
at a home store.
131
00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:34,550
Yeah, he taps them
on the shoulder and says,
132
00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:35,810
"I beg your garden."
133
00:05:35,852 --> 00:05:37,448
What?! Oh, my God! I can't believe it!
134
00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:39,086
That's how it goes every time.
135
00:05:39,128 --> 00:05:40,304
Every time.
136
00:05:40,388 --> 00:05:41,393
Where are the cameras?
137
00:05:41,404 --> 00:05:43,118
I know. I wish I would've worn
something more colorful.
138
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,470
Okay, you know what?
We have to get on the show.
139
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,830
Can you imagine a backyard makeover,
what he would do with ours?
140
00:05:48,872 --> 00:05:53,124
Yeah, one word, three syllables,
starts with "gah," ends with "zebo."
141
00:05:54,309 --> 00:05:56,262
- Gazebo.
- I love gazebos.
142
00:05:56,287 --> 00:05:59,077
I do, too! Now that I'm thinking
about it, I have to have one.
143
00:05:59,081 --> 00:06:00,147
- Oh, my gosh.
- Wait, we work hard.
144
00:06:00,231 --> 00:06:02,254
We deserve to stand in the shade
a few inches off the ground.
145
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,835
Yeah. Okay, you know what?
Let's go get tapped.
146
00:06:04,919 --> 00:06:05,943
[LAUGHS QUIETLY]
147
00:06:06,427 --> 00:06:08,127
Hm, what's over here?
148
00:06:08,169 --> 00:06:11,109
I don't know. Oh, my gosh, Mitchell,
do you like this planter?
149
00:06:11,193 --> 00:06:14,847
It would go great in our hopelessly
outdated and neglected backyard.
150
00:06:14,931 --> 00:06:18,081
Well, I love it if you love it.
And what do you think of these pavers?
151
00:06:18,123 --> 00:06:19,509
Oh, I think they go great
with that gazebo
152
00:06:19,593 --> 00:06:20,642
we've always dreamed of having.
153
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:21,818
Oh, forget it. He's gone.
154
00:06:21,860 --> 00:06:24,296
W-What did we do wrong?
We were pleasant.
155
00:06:24,380 --> 00:06:26,522
You know what? Maybe we were too nice.
156
00:06:26,606 --> 00:06:28,958
Couples on those shows
always have conflict.
157
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,520
So do we. When's the last time
we agreed on anything?
158
00:06:31,604 --> 00:06:32,990
We... We're constantly bickering.
159
00:06:33,074 --> 00:06:35,006
I know, sometimes it reveals
something deeper,
160
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,770
but not always.
161
00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:37,862
You know what?
162
00:06:37,946 --> 00:06:40,970
Let's go show him our delightful brand
of bitchy friction.
163
00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:43,364
I was thinking the exact same thing.
164
00:06:43,406 --> 00:06:45,044
- Stop seeing eye-to-eye with me.
- Sorry, sorry.
165
00:06:45,128 --> 00:06:46,640
Let's go find him
and drum up an argument.
166
00:06:46,724 --> 00:06:48,278
Yeah, terrific idea.
167
00:06:48,362 --> 00:06:50,252
I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm just...
168
00:06:53,823 --> 00:06:56,805
Oh, ow. What is going on?
169
00:06:56,889 --> 00:06:58,821
My gro... oy... oh!
170
00:06:58,905 --> 00:07:01,467
This was a nightmare.
I was about to meet my hero,
171
00:07:01,509 --> 00:07:03,441
and I was experiencing
this bizarre pain in...
172
00:07:03,483 --> 00:07:06,171
in my... nether region.
173
00:07:06,213 --> 00:07:08,573
Wait, I'm a grown man.
I should be able to say it...
174
00:07:08,598 --> 00:07:10,245
my left bean bag... did it again.
175
00:07:10,287 --> 00:07:13,101
My tersticle... That's as close
as I think I'm gonna get.
176
00:07:14,203 --> 00:07:15,295
Hello?
177
00:07:15,379 --> 00:07:17,100
Hey, hey!
178
00:07:17,184 --> 00:07:19,788
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
179
00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:21,006
- Phil.
- Hey, I'm Chris.
180
00:07:21,090 --> 00:07:22,434
- Oh!
- Hey, what's wrong?
181
00:07:22,476 --> 00:07:23,610
Oh, nothing.
182
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,710
[SIGHS] You thought
I'd be better looking.
183
00:07:25,752 --> 00:07:27,600
People think that
because the rest of the band
184
00:07:27,642 --> 00:07:29,686
- look like hobbits.
- No, no, no. It's... It's a little...
185
00:07:29,711 --> 00:07:32,724
Hey. I love your flower jeans.
Where did you get those?
186
00:07:32,808 --> 00:07:34,320
They're from a store.
187
00:07:34,404 --> 00:07:37,596
Well, they're very me. They're very me.
Do you remember the name of the store?
188
00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:40,704
- Actually, I embroidered them myself.
- Impressive.
189
00:07:40,788 --> 00:07:43,964
When you're ready for it,
you get a T-shirt,
190
00:07:43,999 --> 00:07:45,570
you put it on top of a long-sleeve,
191
00:07:45,605 --> 00:07:48,641
then it lets everybody know
you own multiple shirts.
192
00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:49,926
Impressive.
193
00:07:49,961 --> 00:07:53,600
[BRITISH ACCENT] So, mate,
shall we have a trod-a-bout?
194
00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:54,899
I'm flattered.
195
00:07:54,983 --> 00:07:57,503
I'd rather just keep it professional,
have a walk around.
196
00:07:57,545 --> 00:08:00,000
[NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, that's not what... Oi... I meant...
197
00:08:00,103 --> 00:08:01,157
[GRUNTS]
198
00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:06,155
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
199
00:08:06,197 --> 00:08:07,834
Terry was just sitting there by himself
200
00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:10,522
because everybody's always afraid
to talk to the prettiest girl,
201
00:08:10,564 --> 00:08:13,924
except this guy.
It's all about confidence.
202
00:08:13,966 --> 00:08:16,360
[HIGH-PITCHED] Excuse me, Mr...
[CLEARS THROAT]
203
00:08:16,402 --> 00:08:19,979
[NORMAL VOICE] Excuse me, Mr. Bradshaw.
Jay Pritchett, juror number 3.
204
00:08:20,014 --> 00:08:21,275
Terry. Call me Terry.
205
00:08:21,310 --> 00:08:22,785
- How you doing, Terry?
- Hi. Good. You?
206
00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:24,248
Hey, this robbery case, huh?
207
00:08:24,283 --> 00:08:26,037
Now, I know we don't have
all the facts yet,
208
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:29,324
but I think it might be hard for me
to lock up a... "Steeler."
209
00:08:29,359 --> 00:08:30,400
[LAUGHS]
210
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,440
I try to keep it light.
You might if I join you?
211
00:08:33,475 --> 00:08:35,721
No, no, no, free country.
Sit down.
212
00:08:35,756 --> 00:08:36,993
He said "yes"!
213
00:08:37,028 --> 00:08:38,953
The '70s, it was a better game.
214
00:08:38,988 --> 00:08:41,247
You guys did everything...
offense, defense.
215
00:08:41,282 --> 00:08:43,876
Didn't I see you mow the field
one night before the game?
216
00:08:43,911 --> 00:08:45,695
You know, that's how
I made my money? [LAUGHS]
217
00:08:45,730 --> 00:08:49,301
I can't actually believe that I'm having
lunch with Terry Bradshaw.
218
00:08:49,336 --> 00:08:51,384
I mean, from football fame
219
00:08:51,419 --> 00:08:54,399
to country music stardom
to big-screen idol.
220
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:57,410
"Smokey and the Bandit II."
Now that was a challenge.
221
00:08:57,445 --> 00:08:59,941
To play yourself,
that can be kind of tricky.
222
00:08:59,976 --> 00:09:02,707
- I thought you stole the movie?
- Ah, stop that. You're too kind.
223
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:05,198
You know, not everything I touch
turns to gold.
224
00:09:05,233 --> 00:09:07,790
I mean, I've had my share
of missteps along the way.
225
00:09:07,825 --> 00:09:09,342
[LAUGHS] Well, right, like
"Failure to Launch," right?
226
00:09:09,377 --> 00:09:11,031
- Sorry?
- You should be.
227
00:09:11,066 --> 00:09:12,824
I mean, that thing was a real stinker.
228
00:09:12,859 --> 00:09:14,568
I happen to be proud of that movie.
229
00:09:14,603 --> 00:09:16,865
I mean, that's some of the best work
I've ever done.
230
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,356
No, you were good, yeah.
231
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:19,950
But, I mean, don't worry about it.
Nobody saw it.
232
00:09:19,985 --> 00:09:21,696
Yeah, well.
233
00:09:21,731 --> 00:09:24,717
Guess it's about time
we get on back in, huh?
234
00:09:24,752 --> 00:09:26,024
Same time tomorrow.
235
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:27,807
Hey, I'm wide open.
236
00:09:28,846 --> 00:09:30,521
Like in football.
237
00:09:34,432 --> 00:09:36,322
Nobody speaks to my son like that.
238
00:09:36,364 --> 00:09:38,086
No, no, Mom, Mom, Mom.
239
00:09:38,170 --> 00:09:40,270
Please don't get up and make a scene and
embarrass me more.
240
00:09:40,312 --> 00:09:41,404
I'm begging you.
241
00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:44,302
Okay, but you don't have to block me in.
I am not crazy.
242
00:09:44,344 --> 00:09:47,578
I am not the hot-headed Latina
that you all make me out to be.
243
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:50,097
You sent a cow heart to
a children's soccer referee.
244
00:09:50,181 --> 00:09:52,449
Manny, what else was I supposed to do?
245
00:09:52,491 --> 00:09:54,213
Look, what happened was a good thing.
246
00:09:54,297 --> 00:09:57,531
He was teaching me the focus required
to live the life of an artist,
247
00:09:57,615 --> 00:10:01,689
and that is a very valuable lesson
that I'll cherish forever.
248
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:04,163
Okay, Papi, if you're happy,
then I'm happy.
249
00:10:06,057 --> 00:10:07,891
Why don't you pick your dessert?
250
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:13,388
Hmm. I wouldn't say no to an almond
cookie and an espresso and...
251
00:10:13,423 --> 00:10:14,789
You're gone, aren't you?
252
00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:18,878
- SAM: Honey, I'll take another...
- Shut up. That's my son over there.
253
00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:22,530
He opened his beautiful soul to you,
to praise you,
254
00:10:22,565 --> 00:10:25,386
to get some advice from you,
and you were mean to him?
255
00:10:25,421 --> 00:10:29,670
Come on, we both know that your attitude
is just a defense mechanism
256
00:10:29,705 --> 00:10:33,955
to protect the tiny, little ego
from the truth...
257
00:10:33,990 --> 00:10:37,923
that you don't deserve any praise,
that you're a fraud,
258
00:10:37,958 --> 00:10:41,832
that you're just a big, fat nobody.
259
00:10:42,367 --> 00:10:45,448
[WHIMPERS]
260
00:10:45,532 --> 00:10:48,430
[CRIES]
261
00:10:49,722 --> 00:10:51,654
All men break the same.
262
00:11:03,666 --> 00:11:04,884
What's happening? What is all this?
263
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,942
- Go up the next aisle.
- Okay.
264
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,780
Oh, God, I'm loving these
new pavers we picked.
265
00:11:12,822 --> 00:11:15,132
You know what, I'm starting
to have second thoughts.
266
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:18,114
Oh, no, this isn't gonna be
another conflict between us, is it?
267
00:11:18,156 --> 00:11:20,378
Oh, gosh, I don't want another conflict.
268
00:11:20,403 --> 00:11:22,602
- Privy.
- Okay.
269
00:11:22,608 --> 00:11:25,450
Okay, you're...
you're not actually putting
270
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:27,434
a reclaimed wood piece
in our cart, are you?
271
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:28,555
- [WHISPERS] That's great, that's great.
- No.
272
00:11:28,590 --> 00:11:30,200
The whole "reclaimed wood" aesthetic
273
00:11:30,235 --> 00:11:32,941
is an insulting appropriation
of barn culture.
274
00:11:32,976 --> 00:11:35,756
No, I'm being serious.
It's like when Madonna wore overalls!
275
00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:37,874
- You're good.
- Mitchell, take it out I don't want it.
276
00:11:37,909 --> 00:11:40,281
- I think it's pretty.
- I think it's pretty offensive.
277
00:11:40,316 --> 00:11:41,745
Okay, rein it in.
278
00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:45,084
- Oh, there she is, Mother Superior.
- Okay, Rumple-thinskin.
279
00:11:45,119 --> 00:11:46,443
Okay, you know what? I don't need this.
280
00:11:46,478 --> 00:11:48,724
- I'm just gonna go wait in the car.
- Perfect, yeah, run away.
281
00:11:48,759 --> 00:11:52,554
And just FYI the reason I like
barn wood is cause it reminds me of you.
282
00:11:52,589 --> 00:11:53,976
- Really?
- Yeah.
283
00:11:54,011 --> 00:11:56,272
I mean I-I know that you
get homesick sometimes,
284
00:11:56,307 --> 00:11:58,342
and I-I want to bring a little,
you know, country into our house.
285
00:11:58,377 --> 00:12:00,463
I'm sorry. Didn't mean to offend you.
286
00:12:00,498 --> 00:12:03,796
Oh, you didn't offend me. I'm just
being oversensitive like you said.
287
00:12:03,831 --> 00:12:06,151
[SIGHS] I'm just being
my normal snooty self.
288
00:12:06,186 --> 00:12:08,041
I don't... I don't know
how you put up with me.
289
00:12:08,076 --> 00:12:09,323
I don't know how you put up with me.
290
00:12:09,358 --> 00:12:11,398
- I do.
- Mm.
291
00:12:11,807 --> 00:12:12,869
Excuse me.
292
00:12:12,904 --> 00:12:14,975
- Yes?
- Oh, yes? Hi.
293
00:12:15,010 --> 00:12:17,140
- I just need to get by.
- Okay.
294
00:12:19,853 --> 00:12:22,877
- He didn't say it.
- He didn't say it.
295
00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:27,664
And last, but not least,
the city at your feet.
296
00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:31,570
Yeah. I'm still kind of flabbergasted
that there's no bubble machine.
297
00:12:31,654 --> 00:12:33,208
It's okay. I can install my own.
298
00:12:33,292 --> 00:12:34,300
[GRUNTS]
299
00:12:34,342 --> 00:12:36,568
- Oh, you're judging me?
- No, no.
300
00:12:36,652 --> 00:12:38,878
[SIGHS] Maybe you're right.
301
00:12:38,962 --> 00:12:40,600
Maybe I am losing touch with who I am.
302
00:12:40,684 --> 00:12:43,120
All I really need is
three chords and a mattress.
303
00:12:43,204 --> 00:12:44,632
And my chef.
304
00:12:44,674 --> 00:12:46,942
[GROANS]
305
00:12:46,984 --> 00:12:48,916
Uh, hey, Phil, what's happening here?
306
00:12:48,958 --> 00:12:51,203
- Oh, not too much. [GROANS]
- Phil?
307
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:54,250
- Oh, my God, you've gone all yellow.
- [LAUGHS] That's like your song.
308
00:12:54,292 --> 00:12:57,548
Funny thing...
I also like to write mu...
309
00:12:58,954 --> 00:13:00,550
Phil?
310
00:13:06,183 --> 00:13:08,661
[EXHALES SHARPLY] What happened?
311
00:13:08,703 --> 00:13:10,719
Mr. Dunphy, you have acute orchitis.
312
00:13:10,761 --> 00:13:12,231
It's a massively inflamed testicle.
313
00:13:12,273 --> 00:13:14,162
I'm giving you
an I.V. bag of antibiotics
314
00:13:14,204 --> 00:13:15,506
and some pain meds because...
315
00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:17,228
[WHISTLES] Oh, boy.
316
00:13:17,270 --> 00:13:18,488
So embarrassed.
317
00:13:18,572 --> 00:13:20,966
I can't believe I passed out
in front of a rock star.
318
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:22,772
Please tell me he didn't know why.
319
00:13:22,856 --> 00:13:25,376
Oh, brilliant, you're awake.
I've got some ice for your biscuits.
320
00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:27,350
No. No, no, no, no, no!
321
00:13:27,434 --> 00:13:29,828
Oh! Oh, that really...
Oh, that feels so good.
322
00:13:30,985 --> 00:13:33,759
Terry, can we talk?
Please don't shut me out.
323
00:13:33,801 --> 00:13:35,278
I know I messed up,
324
00:13:35,313 --> 00:13:38,821
and I'm so sorry for my...
failure at lunch.
325
00:13:39,170 --> 00:13:41,443
- BAILIFF: Sir, please sit down.
- Do you mind?
326
00:13:41,478 --> 00:13:44,454
- Same seats.
- JUDGE: Let's proceed.
327
00:13:44,513 --> 00:13:47,696
Juror number 10,
has anyone in your family
328
00:13:47,731 --> 00:13:49,807
ever been the victim of a violent crime?
329
00:13:49,842 --> 00:13:54,545
- Well... my mother...
- Psst! Not you, keep going.
330
00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,647
Oh, actually, could you tap him
on the shoulder?
331
00:13:56,682 --> 00:13:58,905
Juror 11, is this man bothering you?
332
00:13:58,958 --> 00:14:00,577
You talking about
the movie critic right here?
333
00:14:00,612 --> 00:14:02,376
- Absolutely, he's bothering me!
- Objection!
334
00:14:02,411 --> 00:14:04,665
I request permission
to approach Mr. Bradshaw.
335
00:14:04,714 --> 00:14:07,958
No! I mean, denied!
Look, that's not a thing you can ask.
336
00:14:07,993 --> 00:14:10,577
Your Honor, we'd like
to dismiss Juror number 3.
337
00:14:10,612 --> 00:14:12,969
What?! No, no. I'll be good. I promise.
338
00:14:13,004 --> 00:14:14,710
Sir, you have to leave now.
339
00:14:15,448 --> 00:14:17,846
Fine. I'm going.
340
00:14:20,482 --> 00:14:23,338
I'll be waiting
in the parking lot, buddy.
341
00:14:23,422 --> 00:14:25,858
Judge hit me with a restraining order.
342
00:14:25,942 --> 00:14:28,924
But Terry had to sign it.
343
00:14:29,008 --> 00:14:31,612
We're gonna get through
this together, Phillip.
344
00:14:31,654 --> 00:14:34,831
I guess I just don't understand
why you're here.
345
00:14:34,866 --> 00:14:36,852
Well, because you really
reached me back there,
346
00:14:36,887 --> 00:14:38,669
and I realized I got to be
more of a regular guy.
347
00:14:38,704 --> 00:14:41,244
Mr. Dunphy, I have your...
Chris Martin.
348
00:14:41,279 --> 00:14:44,382
Wow. I'm a huge fan.
Can I get a picture with you?
349
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,348
No. I want a picture with you.
350
00:14:46,383 --> 00:14:47,743
- Come on. Let's do it.
- [GIGGLES]
351
00:14:48,272 --> 00:14:51,685
- Phil, 25 million followers.
- No, thank you.
352
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,483
Uh, I'd love some privacy.
Is there maybe a room opening up?
353
00:14:55,518 --> 00:14:59,485
CLAIRE: Phil? Honey? I came just
as soon as Chris called me. Hello.
354
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,719
Claire, I've got to say, uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]
355
00:15:01,743 --> 00:15:03,899
You're even more beautiful
than you are in Phil's photos.
356
00:15:03,934 --> 00:15:05,119
Pbht!
357
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:06,956
- I like your music.
- Well, thank you.
358
00:15:06,991 --> 00:15:08,194
Claire, can I talk to you
for one second.
359
00:15:08,229 --> 00:15:10,295
- Yes, of course, sweetie, yes. Yeah.
- Yeah.
360
00:15:10,981 --> 00:15:12,787
[WHISPERS] I want Chris Martin to leave.
361
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,131
Hm? What? Why?
362
00:15:14,215 --> 00:15:15,975
It's weird that he's here
when I'm like this,
363
00:15:16,021 --> 00:15:17,197
and he's attracting attention.
364
00:15:17,239 --> 00:15:20,095
Oh, I don't think... yeah, okay.
365
00:15:20,179 --> 00:15:21,733
- DONNA: Claire?
- Mm...
366
00:15:21,775 --> 00:15:23,871
Oh, you're not gonna like this.
367
00:15:24,398 --> 00:15:28,010
- DONNA: This is so exciting!
- You invited your book club?!
368
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,900
[GIGGLING] We're huge fans.
369
00:15:29,984 --> 00:15:33,008
A book club sounds kind of regular.
370
00:15:33,092 --> 00:15:34,562
[CLEARS THROAT]
I should join one of those.
371
00:15:34,646 --> 00:15:36,032
There's about to be an opening in ours.
372
00:15:36,116 --> 00:15:37,880
I'm the one who invited you here.
373
00:15:37,922 --> 00:15:40,190
And what are you beautiful,
uh, scholars reading?
374
00:15:40,274 --> 00:15:41,996
ANGIE: "The Unwitting Miss Castle."
375
00:15:42,038 --> 00:15:44,012
Mm. I love that book.
376
00:15:44,096 --> 00:15:47,665
Although I did find the fences metaphor
a little mundane.
377
00:15:47,707 --> 00:15:49,667
- Oh, yes. Pretentious.
- Completely agree.
378
00:15:49,745 --> 00:15:51,593
I said the exact same thing last week,
379
00:15:51,677 --> 00:15:53,567
and you guys just
rolled your eyes at me.
380
00:15:54,177 --> 00:15:55,815
Claire, don't be such a Mrs. Devereaux.
381
00:15:55,899 --> 00:15:57,621
[ALL GIGGLING] Twinsies!
382
00:15:57,705 --> 00:16:00,771
- DONNA: That is so you!
- Hey, Phil. Our photo got 25,000 likes.
383
00:16:00,813 --> 00:16:04,226
- Phil?
- Phil?
384
00:16:04,261 --> 00:16:05,323
Ohh...
385
00:16:05,407 --> 00:16:08,185
Oh, it's probably all the meds.
I'll handle this.
386
00:16:08,220 --> 00:16:10,057
I've been to Burning Man
with Keith Richards.
387
00:16:10,092 --> 00:16:13,268
No, no, no. I'll handle it.
I've been on vacation with my mother.
388
00:16:15,059 --> 00:16:18,820
Hey... Where are you off to, stranger?
389
00:16:18,855 --> 00:16:20,070
Honey, I need to be alone.
390
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:23,071
Oh, honey, I'm sorry I invited
the girls from book club.
391
00:16:23,106 --> 00:16:24,858
It's... I just wanted them to like me.
392
00:16:24,893 --> 00:16:26,636
[SIGHS] I can't believe this happened.
393
00:16:26,671 --> 00:16:28,552
This was supposed to
be such an amazing day.
394
00:16:28,587 --> 00:16:31,106
I know. Is there anything I can do
to make it better?
395
00:16:31,141 --> 00:16:34,603
Yes. You can make Chris Martin
go away, now.
396
00:16:34,638 --> 00:16:35,675
[GROANS]
397
00:16:35,717 --> 00:16:38,813
I'm so sorry, guys.
Oh, I didn't mean to cause a...
398
00:16:38,848 --> 00:16:41,012
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's... it's not you personally.
399
00:16:41,047 --> 00:16:42,949
No, no, no, it is me. I'm a distraction.
400
00:16:42,984 --> 00:16:45,195
Everyone wants to say "hi"
or they want to take a picture
401
00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:46,286
or they want to sleep with me.
402
00:16:46,321 --> 00:16:48,806
- MARIE: They sure do.
- Shut 'er down, Marie.
403
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,013
And it's a nightmare.
It's beginning to affect my creativity.
404
00:16:52,048 --> 00:16:54,358
The last song I wrote
was about my helicopter.
405
00:16:54,393 --> 00:16:56,255
I was too ashamed to release it.
406
00:16:56,290 --> 00:16:58,124
I had to sell it to Qantus
for $1 million.
407
00:16:58,159 --> 00:17:00,386
Your problems are so sanguine.
408
00:17:00,421 --> 00:17:03,012
- Is that how you use that word?
- Nobody knows.
409
00:17:03,047 --> 00:17:05,059
Oh, anyway, I wish there
was something I could do
410
00:17:05,094 --> 00:17:06,161
to make this all better.
411
00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:07,330
You could buy that house.
412
00:17:07,365 --> 00:17:09,564
No, Phil. Thanks to you,
that's the old me.
413
00:17:09,599 --> 00:17:11,035
Oh, good.
414
00:17:11,070 --> 00:17:12,645
I know something
you could do for him.
415
00:17:13,877 --> 00:17:17,378
♪ You've been looking
for your own special space ♪
416
00:17:17,413 --> 00:17:20,853
♪ Somewhere you can call
your resting place ♪
417
00:17:20,888 --> 00:17:25,028
♪ You've been looking for
your kids and your spouse ♪
418
00:17:25,063 --> 00:17:28,101
♪ It's time time to buy yourself
a Dunphy house ♪
419
00:17:29,687 --> 00:17:33,927
♪ Oh, Dunphy, Dunphy, Dunphy ♪
420
00:17:36,534 --> 00:17:42,774
♪ They're affordable
and comfy, comfy, comfy ♪
421
00:17:43,598 --> 00:17:45,932
I can't believe he's actually
making it work.
422
00:17:47,604 --> 00:17:48,738
Why would he not pick us?
423
00:17:48,822 --> 00:17:50,166
Yeah, we gave him everything he wants...
424
00:17:50,208 --> 00:17:51,608
- a fight, reconciliation...
- Yeah.
425
00:17:51,678 --> 00:17:53,038
Not to mention we're camera-ready.
426
00:17:53,064 --> 00:17:54,304
It's everything TV wants to be.
427
00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:56,886
I mean, what does he want us to do,
write the episode for him?
428
00:17:56,970 --> 00:17:58,902
Yeah, America deserves
to see us get a free gazebo.
429
00:17:58,986 --> 00:18:00,540
There he is.
430
00:18:00,582 --> 00:18:02,220
I have half a mind
to go over there and confront him.
431
00:18:02,262 --> 00:18:03,312
Yeah, well, I have the other half.
432
00:18:03,354 --> 00:18:04,908
- Wait, wait.
- Hi.
433
00:18:04,992 --> 00:18:06,299
- Hi.
- Hi. Excuse us.
434
00:18:06,324 --> 00:18:08,310
- Can I help you guys?
- Yeah, how about an explanation?
435
00:18:08,394 --> 00:18:09,864
Why aren't you picking us for your show?
436
00:18:09,948 --> 00:18:12,594
Yeah, what... are we not sexy enough?
Not young enough for your demo?
437
00:18:12,636 --> 00:18:13,956
Wait, no, is it 'cause we're gay?
438
00:18:14,022 --> 00:18:15,156
You know, I've actually
never seen a gay couple
439
00:18:15,198 --> 00:18:17,361
- on your little program.
- Yeah, or a P.E. teacher
440
00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:19,500
- slash vice principal.
- He's literally that.
441
00:18:19,535 --> 00:18:20,694
Just tell us why you're not picking us.
442
00:18:20,729 --> 00:18:22,089
Guys, I don't have a show anymore.
443
00:18:22,127 --> 00:18:23,429
- Please, we just saw that episode...
- Yeah.
444
00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:26,241
- Deb and Don in San Antonio last week?
- Yeah.
445
00:18:26,276 --> 00:18:27,765
Don wanted a place to grill.
446
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,949
- We got canceled, like, two years ago.
- What?
447
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,832
- What, why?
- It's such a popular show!
448
00:18:31,867 --> 00:18:34,192
Look, uh... [EXHALES SHARPLY]
449
00:18:34,227 --> 00:18:35,325
The network fired me...
450
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:36,640
- Why?
- ... when they found out
451
00:18:36,669 --> 00:18:38,443
that I had this website
where people paid
452
00:18:38,478 --> 00:18:40,058
to watch me build stuff naked.
453
00:18:40,093 --> 00:18:41,993
- Is that so?
- How naked?
454
00:18:42,035 --> 00:18:43,132
- Very.
- You know what,
455
00:18:43,167 --> 00:18:45,163
why are you hanging out
in the aisles of a home store?
456
00:18:45,198 --> 00:18:47,170
- I work here. Ohh.
- You do.
457
00:18:47,205 --> 00:18:48,225
- Yeah.
- Oh.
458
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:51,069
Hey, if you did still have a show, um...
459
00:18:51,104 --> 00:18:53,599
- would you pick us?
- Umm...
460
00:18:54,281 --> 00:18:56,288
BOTH: It costs you nothing to say "yes."
461
00:18:56,323 --> 00:18:57,661
Oh, my God, we agreed again.
462
00:18:57,696 --> 00:18:59,059
- Ohh.
- Aww.
463
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,252
I begged you not to go over there.
I'm so embarrassed.
464
00:19:04,294 --> 00:19:06,982
Why? He's the one crying.
465
00:19:07,024 --> 00:19:08,200
My favorite part was
466
00:19:08,284 --> 00:19:10,426
when he was gasping for air
between sobs,
467
00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:11,685
like a baby.
468
00:19:11,769 --> 00:19:13,155
Look at him. He's broken.
469
00:19:13,197 --> 00:19:14,247
[SOBBING]
470
00:19:14,289 --> 00:19:15,565
What if he never writes again?
471
00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:19,561
Okay, I'll apologize to the 12 people
who still go out and watch plays.
472
00:19:19,645 --> 00:19:21,390
You do know I'm a theater major, right?
473
00:19:21,425 --> 00:19:25,026
Yes, and when you're a great play writer
and you go to a restaurant...
474
00:19:25,061 --> 00:19:26,617
if you can afford it...
475
00:19:26,652 --> 00:19:28,964
then you're gonna be nice to strangers,
476
00:19:28,999 --> 00:19:31,341
because that's
the right thing to do, okay?
477
00:19:31,376 --> 00:19:33,191
Excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt.
478
00:19:33,226 --> 00:19:36,675
But I saw what happened before,
and I'm sorry about that.
479
00:19:36,710 --> 00:19:38,719
But the way you stood up
to that jerk Anvilmaker
480
00:19:38,754 --> 00:19:41,388
was kind of amazing, yeah. Good for you.
481
00:19:41,423 --> 00:19:44,058
And young man, listen...
if this makes you feel any better,
482
00:19:44,093 --> 00:19:46,558
- he did the same thing to me.
- Oh.
483
00:19:46,593 --> 00:19:48,934
That's very nice of you to say.
Thank you so much.
484
00:19:48,969 --> 00:19:49,969
So...
485
00:19:51,019 --> 00:19:52,447
[CLEARS THROAT]
486
00:19:52,489 --> 00:19:54,883
You know, I, uh... I write.
487
00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,101
- Oh, boy.
- [CHUCKLES]
488
00:19:56,185 --> 00:19:58,285
No, it's not like
I'm just some, you know, some...
489
00:19:58,327 --> 00:19:59,419
excuse me... some...
490
00:19:59,461 --> 00:20:01,183
you know, just some city slicker who...
491
00:20:01,225 --> 00:20:03,114
who doesn't know
what he's talking about.
492
00:20:03,156 --> 00:20:05,004
But, uh... if I could
teach you one thing,
493
00:20:05,088 --> 00:20:08,322
just one thing that you learn from this,
494
00:20:08,364 --> 00:20:12,690
it'll make your plays sound
and look marvelous.
495
00:20:12,732 --> 00:20:14,498
You know?
496
00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:19,284
So, the most important thing is to...
497
00:20:19,368 --> 00:20:22,140
is to know that writing
is really re-writing.
498
00:20:22,224 --> 00:20:23,778
You may want to jot that down.
499
00:20:23,862 --> 00:20:25,458
Uh... And then change it.
500
00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:26,886
[CHUCKLES] Did you see what I did there?
501
00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:30,414
You know what? We really need
to be somewhere right now.
502
00:20:30,456 --> 00:20:31,480
- Yeah, we better go.
- Okay.
503
00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:33,396
- Yeah.
- All right.
504
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,866
Okay, thank you.
505
00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:36,672
- Mm-hmm.
- Hm.
506
00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:40,116
I'm sorry, we didn't realize
we were so annoying. Our bad.
507
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:44,296
Have fun storming the castle!
508
00:20:45,030 --> 00:20:47,546
Nothing. I'm gonna shave.
509
00:20:49,079 --> 00:20:51,935
♪ Come feel the thrill,
thrill, thrill ♪
510
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,631
♪ Of Phil, Phil, Phil ♪
511
00:20:56,831 --> 00:21:00,191
- ♪ The thrill, thrill, thrill ♪
- [MONITOR FLATLINES]
512
00:21:00,275 --> 00:21:02,585
♪ The thrill of Phil ♪
513
00:21:02,669 --> 00:21:05,147
- [MONITOR FLATLINES]
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
514
00:21:05,663 --> 00:21:07,718
- Could you turn that down, please?
- Oh!
515
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:15,221
- Uhh, everybody. [STARTS SINGING]
- [EVERYONE SINGS]
516
00:21:15,246 --> 00:21:19,166
[CLAPS]
517
00:21:19,191 --> 00:21:21,215
So, I couple of quick thoughts...
518
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:26,240
Synced and corrected by BLuk
www.addic7ed.com