1
00:00:05,411 --> 00:00:08,702
Mom.
*
2
00:00:08,718 --> 00:00:10,769
I want to strangle
that crazy old thing.
3
00:00:10,820 --> 00:00:11,886
Just ignore it.
4
00:00:11,921 --> 00:00:13,088
It's easy for you
to ignore
5
00:00:13,122 --> 00:00:14,773
Because you have
the old-man hearing.
6
00:00:14,824 --> 00:00:16,991
But manny and I --
we have the young ears.
7
00:00:17,026 --> 00:00:18,943
I don't get how one dog
keeps you awake
8
00:00:18,994 --> 00:00:20,628
When you grew up
sleeping through
9
00:00:20,663 --> 00:00:21,913
Cockfights and revolutions.
10
00:00:21,947 --> 00:00:23,998
Mm-hmm.
Very funny, jay.
11
00:00:24,033 --> 00:00:26,400
Manny hasn't been able to
sleep in weeks.
12
00:00:26,419 --> 00:00:28,203
It's screwing his brain
for school.
13
00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:29,337
And it doesn't stop.
14
00:00:29,371 --> 00:00:31,840
It goes on and on and on
and on and on and on
15
00:00:31,874 --> 00:00:34,426
And on and on and on.
Yes,
that could be annoying.
16
00:00:36,429 --> 00:00:37,712
That's it.
I'm going over there.
17
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,681
Gloria, now, don't go
starting something
18
00:00:39,715 --> 00:00:41,816
Because whenever you do,
I'm the one that --
19
00:00:41,851 --> 00:00:44,385
That she couldn't hear.
20
00:00:48,023 --> 00:00:49,557
They're gone. Cam.
21
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:50,925
All the children
are gone.
22
00:00:50,943 --> 00:00:52,143
What children?
23
00:00:52,194 --> 00:00:53,278
I was running in the park,
24
00:00:53,312 --> 00:00:54,596
And I noticed
that none of the kids
25
00:00:54,630 --> 00:00:56,097
Lily usually plays with
were there.
26
00:00:56,115 --> 00:00:58,366
Well, it's still early.
But then I ran into
lori.
27
00:00:58,400 --> 00:00:59,934
Boobs lori
or adult-braces lori?
28
00:00:59,969 --> 00:01:01,619
Great-shoes lori.
Oh, I like her.
29
00:01:01,654 --> 00:01:04,005
And she said that they all sent
their kids to preschool.
30
00:01:04,039 --> 00:01:06,274
What?! We agreed to wait
till next year.
31
00:01:06,308 --> 00:01:09,661
It was a fake-out to make sure
that their kids got a spot.
32
00:01:09,712 --> 00:01:11,579
Those skinny bitches.
33
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,348
We have got to get her
into school, cameron,
34
00:01:13,382 --> 00:01:14,682
Or else she's gonna
fall behind.
35
00:01:14,717 --> 00:01:15,800
Don't you think
I know that?
36
00:01:15,835 --> 00:01:16,885
This is perfect.
37
00:01:16,919 --> 00:01:18,319
Oh, leave it to the gays
38
00:01:18,354 --> 00:01:21,523
To raise the only
underachieving
asian in america.
39
00:01:21,557 --> 00:01:24,959
Okay, here you go.
40
00:01:24,977 --> 00:01:26,627
Guys, breakfast.
41
00:01:26,645 --> 00:01:28,897
Guys. Phil.
Hello.
42
00:01:28,931 --> 00:01:30,014
Totally with you.
43
00:01:30,065 --> 00:01:32,233
Kids, put your dishes
in the dishwasher.
44
00:01:32,268 --> 00:01:33,568
Okay, no. That's it.
45
00:01:33,602 --> 00:01:35,270
Everybody,
gadgets down now!
46
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,821
Why are you
freaking out?
47
00:01:36,856 --> 00:01:38,807
Because you're all so involved
with your little gizmos,
48
00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:40,474
Nobody is even talking.
49
00:01:40,493 --> 00:01:42,377
Families
are supposed to talk.
50
00:01:42,411 --> 00:01:44,612
What are you doing
that's so important?
51
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:45,997
Oh, I'm locking in
my fantasy roster.
52
00:01:46,031 --> 00:01:47,165
I'm unbeatable.
53
00:01:47,199 --> 00:01:49,317
We're totally getting
an aboveground pool.
54
00:01:49,351 --> 00:01:50,869
Die,
stupid, die!
55
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,537
Luke, I told you
to put that down now.
56
00:01:52,588 --> 00:01:53,755
Come on, buddy.
57
00:01:53,789 --> 00:01:55,507
One second. I'm about
to beat dad's record.
58
00:01:55,541 --> 00:01:57,091
You heard your mother.
59
00:01:58,360 --> 00:01:59,961
What is so funny?
60
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:00,962
Nothing.
61
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:03,497
"mom's insane."
thank you, haley.
62
00:02:03,516 --> 00:02:04,933
At least we talk.
63
00:02:06,101 --> 00:02:07,051
Hello.
64
00:02:07,102 --> 00:02:09,804
Hey, it's me.
What's a good preschool?
65
00:02:09,839 --> 00:02:11,556
Uh, well, our kids went
to wagon wheel.
66
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,107
And it was good?
You liked it?
67
00:02:13,142 --> 00:02:14,225
Oh, well, you know my kids
68
00:02:14,276 --> 00:02:16,027
Are middle-management material
at best.
69
00:02:16,061 --> 00:02:17,779
Didn't want to waste
a lot of money --
70
00:02:17,813 --> 00:02:18,780
Yes, mitchell,
it's good.
71
00:02:18,814 --> 00:02:19,881
Why the interest?
72
00:02:19,915 --> 00:02:21,282
I just realized
that all of lily's friends
73
00:02:21,317 --> 00:02:24,518
Are going to school this year,
and now she's late.
74
00:02:24,537 --> 00:02:25,737
Don't worry.
She can wait another year.
75
00:02:25,788 --> 00:02:27,522
Just buy her a blackberry,
76
00:02:27,556 --> 00:02:29,157
That's all she's gonna want
to do anyway.
77
00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,158
What did she say?
78
00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:31,492
She says to buy her
a blackberry.
79
00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:34,078
Lily doesn't have
the dexterity for that, claire!
80
00:02:34,129 --> 00:02:35,496
What is happening?
81
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:36,998
Can you just check
with your school
82
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,466
And see
if maybe you can get us in?
83
00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:41,469
Hmm. I-I can probably
get you an interview.
84
00:02:41,503 --> 00:02:42,971
Oh, no. That's great.
That's great.
85
00:02:43,005 --> 00:02:44,439
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
86
00:02:44,473 --> 00:02:46,257
Oh, and, by the way,
what do you think
87
00:02:46,308 --> 00:02:47,976
Of that place
billingsley academy?
88
00:02:48,010 --> 00:02:50,094
Ooh. Billingsley.
Very hoity-toity.
89
00:02:50,145 --> 00:02:52,480
You can't get in there
unless you're really rich
90
00:02:52,514 --> 00:02:53,714
Or you know somebody
on the board.
91
00:02:53,732 --> 00:02:55,884
Oh, god,
this is a nightmare.
92
00:02:55,918 --> 00:02:58,019
Mitch, it's preschool.
Don't overthink it.
93
00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,554
My kids didn't go to
billingsley, and they are fine.
94
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,059
I have to go.
95
00:03:05,077 --> 00:03:06,160
Phil.
96
00:03:08,130 --> 00:03:10,832
that's awesome.
97
00:03:10,866 --> 00:03:16,866
-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/
98
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,549
Buenos días.
Hi.
99
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:29,884
We haven't formally met.
100
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,970
I'm gloria pritchett
from next door.
101
00:03:32,021 --> 00:03:33,521
Larry paulson.
Yeah, I've seen you.
Mm.
102
00:03:33,555 --> 00:03:34,588
Lucky guy.
103
00:03:34,607 --> 00:03:36,090
Wait a minute,
then tell me.
104
00:03:36,108 --> 00:03:38,059
Your dog doesn't stop
barking.
105
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,961
All morning, all night.
106
00:03:39,995 --> 00:03:42,397
He wakes my son up,
and he needs his sleep.
107
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,732
It's not my dog.
It's my soon-to-be ex-wife's.
108
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,267
She moved out
three weeks ago.
109
00:03:46,302 --> 00:03:47,402
Is she coming back
for it?
110
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,103
Not unless
it starts crapping money.
111
00:03:49,121 --> 00:03:51,272
Well, you need to do something
about the dog.
112
00:03:51,290 --> 00:03:52,940
The dog
is old and stupid.
113
00:03:52,958 --> 00:03:54,575
Who are you really
mad at, larry?
114
00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:56,411
The dog
or your wife?
115
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:57,829
Who the hell
is this kid?
116
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:58,880
Hey, there's no need
for that.
117
00:03:58,914 --> 00:04:00,348
I'll tell you
who he is.
118
00:04:00,382 --> 00:04:02,350
His name is
"shut up your damn dog"!
119
00:04:02,384 --> 00:04:03,351
You know what's ironic?
120
00:04:03,385 --> 00:04:04,802
You come over here
complaining,
121
00:04:04,837 --> 00:04:06,354
And I have never once
said a word
122
00:04:06,388 --> 00:04:08,006
About that obnoxious parrot
of yours
123
00:04:08,057 --> 00:04:09,090
That's always squawking.
124
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,124
Parrot?
125
00:04:10,142 --> 00:04:11,676
What parrot?
126
00:04:11,727 --> 00:04:12,460
Jay!
127
00:04:12,478 --> 00:04:13,127
Jay!
128
00:04:13,162 --> 00:04:14,395
Jay!
129
00:04:14,430 --> 00:04:17,631
What is he talking about?
What parrot?
130
00:04:17,650 --> 00:04:18,900
How the hell
do I know?
131
00:04:18,934 --> 00:04:19,934
So, what do we do now?
132
00:04:19,969 --> 00:04:21,469
Nothing. We did it.
He heard us.
133
00:04:21,487 --> 00:04:22,970
He didn't hear nothing.
134
00:04:22,988 --> 00:04:24,939
Jay, don't go.
Jay!
135
00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,774
Jay! Jay!
136
00:04:30,579 --> 00:04:32,697
Okay, we have called
this family meeting
137
00:04:32,748 --> 00:04:35,450
Because the personal electronics
have gotten out of control.
138
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:38,002
Starting today, there's going
to be a one-week ban
139
00:04:38,053 --> 00:04:39,871
On all cellphones,
texting,
oh!
140
00:04:39,938 --> 00:04:42,674
Im'ing, video chatting,
video-gaming,
141
00:04:42,708 --> 00:04:44,976
Anything
on the internet.
How am I supposed to do
my homework?
142
00:04:45,027 --> 00:04:46,060
The way I did.
143
00:04:46,094 --> 00:04:47,428
With a chisel
and a piece of stone.
144
00:04:47,446 --> 00:04:49,247
Phil.
Can't unplug
my funny bone.
145
00:04:49,298 --> 00:04:51,265
I have
a huge science paper due.
146
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:53,968
And we have a great set
of encyclopedias...Somewhere.
147
00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:56,304
What do you think
the public library is for?
148
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,973
I thought that was a bathroom
for homeless people.
149
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,241
Mnh-mnh.
150
00:05:00,275 --> 00:05:01,942
Can I still play
plants vs. Zombies?
151
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,577
Are you not listening?
152
00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:05,546
But you learn
about plants.
Mm-hmm.
153
00:05:05,564 --> 00:05:07,114
And plants are life.
154
00:05:07,148 --> 00:05:09,116
Are you against life?
155
00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,418
How am I supposed to talk
to my friends?
156
00:05:11,453 --> 00:05:12,553
Talk to them at school.
157
00:05:12,587 --> 00:05:13,787
Or at a juice bar.
158
00:05:13,822 --> 00:05:15,422
Or on the house phone.
159
00:05:15,457 --> 00:05:16,490
Nobody even knows
our number.
160
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:17,691
I don't even know
our number.
161
00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:19,159
So, you're saying
dad's not going to go online?
162
00:05:19,177 --> 00:05:20,294
Yep.
Dad?
163
00:05:20,328 --> 00:05:21,929
That's right.
What about
fantasy football?
164
00:05:21,963 --> 00:05:24,598
Not a problem.
My team's set this week.
165
00:05:24,616 --> 00:05:25,783
I am completely on board
166
00:05:25,817 --> 00:05:27,534
Your mother's horse and buggy
to yesteryear.
167
00:05:27,569 --> 00:05:29,736
For the next week,
I may as well be amish.
168
00:05:29,754 --> 00:05:31,271
Jebediah dunphy.
169
00:05:31,306 --> 00:05:32,740
Raising barns,
witnessing murders,
170
00:05:32,774 --> 00:05:34,808
Making electric
fireplace hearths.
171
00:05:34,843 --> 00:05:36,660
Oh!
This is so unfair!
172
00:05:37,111 --> 00:05:38,111
You know what?
173
00:05:38,146 --> 00:05:39,646
We're gonna make this
fun.
174
00:05:39,664 --> 00:05:41,114
Turn it into a game.
175
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,116
Whoever stays unplugged
the longest, wins.
176
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,651
Not what I had in mind,
phil.
177
00:05:44,685 --> 00:05:45,885
What do we win?
What do you want?
178
00:05:45,903 --> 00:05:46,937
I want a new computer.
179
00:05:46,988 --> 00:05:48,071
Done.
180
00:05:48,105 --> 00:05:49,773
We're gonna get them
off of electronics
181
00:05:49,824 --> 00:05:51,491
With the promise
of more electronics?
182
00:05:51,526 --> 00:05:53,660
I want chicken pot pie.
And chicken.
183
00:05:53,678 --> 00:05:54,661
I want a car.
184
00:05:54,679 --> 00:05:56,096
No way!
Done!
185
00:05:56,130 --> 00:05:57,597
Yeah,
I'm getting a car!
186
00:05:57,632 --> 00:05:59,516
Yeah, fun, right?
Phil!
187
00:05:59,550 --> 00:06:00,934
We cannot afford
a third car.
188
00:06:00,968 --> 00:06:03,687
Relax. They're never gonna last
as long as us.
189
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,439
Oh, honey, don't take this
the wrong way,
190
00:06:06,474 --> 00:06:08,642
But I have
almost no faith in you.
191
00:06:12,096 --> 00:06:14,314
Joanie will be right out.
192
00:06:14,348 --> 00:06:15,698
She's just finishing up
another interview.
193
00:06:15,733 --> 00:06:17,016
Okay. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
194
00:06:17,051 --> 00:06:18,501
You're welcome.
I really like this place.
195
00:06:18,535 --> 00:06:20,003
Look at
all these drawings.
I know.
196
00:06:20,037 --> 00:06:21,571
And did you see
the duckies in the yard?
197
00:06:21,605 --> 00:06:22,722
Lily loves duckies.
I know.
198
00:06:22,756 --> 00:06:23,957
I'm gonna mention that.
199
00:06:23,991 --> 00:06:25,258
Okay, well, do,
200
00:06:25,292 --> 00:06:26,459
Because that's really gonna
set her apart
201
00:06:26,493 --> 00:06:27,727
From the rest of the kids.
Oh.
202
00:06:27,761 --> 00:06:29,195
We should also mention
how she always perks up
203
00:06:29,229 --> 00:06:30,530
When we watch
"charlie rose."
204
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,665
That was one time.
He was interviewing elmo.
205
00:06:32,699 --> 00:06:34,717
You boys ought to relax.
206
00:06:34,768 --> 00:06:36,135
Oh, I'm sorry.
207
00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:39,038
We just -- we really want
to make a good impression.
Mm.
208
00:06:39,072 --> 00:06:41,391
Gay adoptive parents
with a minority baby?
209
00:06:41,425 --> 00:06:44,277
Sugars, you can get
into any school you want.
210
00:06:44,311 --> 00:06:46,045
What was that?
Really?
211
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:47,180
Oh, you didn't know that?
212
00:06:47,214 --> 00:06:48,848
oh, yeah.
213
00:06:48,882 --> 00:06:51,718
All of these schools like
to brag about their diversity.
214
00:06:51,752 --> 00:06:53,386
You're diverse times three.
215
00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:54,453
In demand.
216
00:06:54,471 --> 00:06:56,389
You're like
jimmy buffett tickets
217
00:06:56,423 --> 00:06:58,691
To these hybrid-driving,
straight white folks.
218
00:06:59,509 --> 00:07:01,894
I hear that, girl.
219
00:07:01,928 --> 00:07:03,929
Yeah.
220
00:07:05,882 --> 00:07:07,800
I'm coming!
221
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:12,871
Where the hell is
the dog?
222
00:07:12,906 --> 00:07:14,506
Who is it?
It's our neighbor.
223
00:07:14,541 --> 00:07:15,424
The dog is gone.
224
00:07:15,458 --> 00:07:16,842
Maybe it ran away.
225
00:07:16,876 --> 00:07:18,026
It was chained to a tree.
226
00:07:18,061 --> 00:07:19,261
Maybe your wife took it.
227
00:07:19,295 --> 00:07:21,346
According to my credit card,
my wife is in europe,
228
00:07:21,381 --> 00:07:23,348
Searching for the world's
most expensive hotel.
229
00:07:23,733 --> 00:07:24,866
Then what do you want
from us?
230
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:26,168
You come over complaining
about the dog
231
00:07:26,202 --> 00:07:27,169
And the next day
it's gone?
232
00:07:27,203 --> 00:07:28,136
You tell me.
233
00:07:28,154 --> 00:07:29,971
I'll tell --
how dare you?
234
00:07:29,989 --> 00:07:33,291
You come to our house,
you ring our bell many times,
235
00:07:33,342 --> 00:07:35,427
And you accuse us
of taking your dog.
236
00:07:35,461 --> 00:07:36,511
You should go home.
237
00:07:36,546 --> 00:07:38,480
We're not done here.
Yes, we are.
238
00:07:38,514 --> 00:07:41,399
What did you do?
239
00:07:41,450 --> 00:07:44,102
You don't want to know.
240
00:07:44,486 --> 00:07:46,771
Gloria's grandfather
and uncles were butchers,
241
00:07:46,789 --> 00:07:48,423
So she's always had
a certain comfort level
242
00:07:48,457 --> 00:07:52,577
When it comes to...Killing.
243
00:07:52,611 --> 00:07:54,078
One time, we had this rat...
244
00:07:54,112 --> 00:07:55,997
What?
First you smash it,
245
00:07:56,048 --> 00:07:58,382
Then you cut the head off.
246
00:07:58,400 --> 00:07:59,934
It was like nothing to her.
247
00:07:59,985 --> 00:08:01,152
I go to church now.
248
00:08:02,955 --> 00:08:04,289
She left the head out there
249
00:08:04,323 --> 00:08:06,691
To send a message
to the other rats.
250
00:08:07,125 --> 00:08:09,060
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
251
00:08:09,094 --> 00:08:10,361
How was your day at work?
252
00:08:10,395 --> 00:08:11,362
Amazing.
Mwah.
253
00:08:11,396 --> 00:08:12,563
Great. What happened?
254
00:08:12,597 --> 00:08:14,582
Instead of wasting
my lunch hour surfing the web,
255
00:08:14,633 --> 00:08:16,000
Checking football stats,
256
00:08:16,034 --> 00:08:17,551
I put on
some mellow music,
257
00:08:17,586 --> 00:08:18,853
And I meditated.
258
00:08:18,887 --> 00:08:20,137
Wow.
For how long?
259
00:08:20,171 --> 00:08:22,806
I have no idea.
I just woke up 20 minutes ago.
260
00:08:22,824 --> 00:08:24,158
Hey, mom.
261
00:08:24,192 --> 00:08:27,428
I need a bar of soap and a
black marker for an art project.
262
00:08:27,462 --> 00:08:29,714
Okay. Well,
the marker's over there,
263
00:08:29,748 --> 00:08:31,732
And the soap
is under the sink.
264
00:08:31,783 --> 00:08:34,051
Isn't it great
how much time you have
265
00:08:34,086 --> 00:08:35,469
Now that you're
not wasting it online?
266
00:08:35,504 --> 00:08:38,472
Oh, my god. Is this
what you always sound like?
267
00:08:38,507 --> 00:08:41,559
Look what I built, dad.
Dunphy towers.
268
00:08:41,593 --> 00:08:44,962
200 condos,
a happy family in every one.
269
00:08:44,997 --> 00:08:46,630
Way to go, buddy.
270
00:08:46,648 --> 00:08:48,099
I got to hand it to you,
honey.
271
00:08:48,133 --> 00:08:49,667
24 hours
without video games,
272
00:08:49,701 --> 00:08:51,602
He's already contributing
to society.
273
00:08:51,636 --> 00:08:53,904
Die! Die!
274
00:08:54,639 --> 00:08:57,374
To be fair, he's using
his imagination.
275
00:08:57,408 --> 00:08:58,842
there's no fire escapes!
276
00:08:58,876 --> 00:09:00,210
They cut corners!
277
00:09:00,228 --> 00:09:02,479
I'll cut your corners!
278
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:07,597
Hello?
279
00:09:07,632 --> 00:09:09,456
Oh, hi.
Luke, honey, it's for you.
280
00:09:09,490 --> 00:09:11,686
Hi, griffin.
How are you?
281
00:09:11,722 --> 00:09:14,728
Yeah, he's right here.
Hold on.
282
00:09:14,746 --> 00:09:17,347
Hey, griffin.
283
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:20,254
Oh, my god!
What happened?
284
00:09:20,306 --> 00:09:22,975
There's a parasailing-donkey
video on youtube.
285
00:09:23,009 --> 00:09:24,461
Oh, my god!
286
00:09:24,496 --> 00:09:26,624
Wait, luke.
What about the contest?
287
00:09:26,659 --> 00:09:27,976
I quit.
288
00:09:28,011 --> 00:09:29,716
I'm not made of stone,
you know.
289
00:09:29,768 --> 00:09:31,592
Uhh! I can't believe it.
290
00:09:31,627 --> 00:09:34,059
I got a "b"
on my paper.
291
00:09:34,094 --> 00:09:35,766
Good for you.
Yeah.
292
00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:36,831
No, it would be good
for you.
293
00:09:36,865 --> 00:09:38,250
It's terrible for me.
294
00:09:38,284 --> 00:09:40,380
Thanks to your
moldy encyclopedias,
295
00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:43,691
My take on mitosis
was completely out of date.
296
00:09:43,726 --> 00:09:45,567
They don't even call it
protoplasm anymore.
297
00:09:45,602 --> 00:09:47,139
It's cytoplasm.
298
00:09:47,173 --> 00:09:48,862
Well, you could have asked
one of us.
299
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,383
Now you're making jokes?
300
00:09:50,417 --> 00:09:52,276
I'm not making
a joke.
Really?
301
00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:55,419
What's the difference
between a gamete and a zygote?
302
00:09:55,453 --> 00:09:57,885
Don't fall for it,
claire.
303
00:09:57,921 --> 00:09:59,947
She's just
making up words.
Huh.
304
00:09:59,982 --> 00:10:00,927
That's it.
305
00:10:00,961 --> 00:10:02,143
I need the internet.
306
00:10:02,162 --> 00:10:04,002
I'm out
of your stupid contest.
307
00:10:09,614 --> 00:10:11,184
Hmm.
308
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,127
And then there were three.
309
00:10:20,327 --> 00:10:21,408
She's kind of scary.
310
00:10:21,443 --> 00:10:24,635
We're not buying her
a car.
311
00:10:28,266 --> 00:10:29,921
Hey, buddy,
what you reading?
312
00:10:29,973 --> 00:10:31,965
"the old man and the sea."
313
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,402
You like it?
314
00:10:33,454 --> 00:10:35,176
I like that hemingway
gets to the point.
315
00:10:35,211 --> 00:10:36,342
You read
a lot of his stuff?
316
00:10:36,377 --> 00:10:38,488
That was a hint, jay.
317
00:10:38,524 --> 00:10:39,486
Oh.
318
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,206
Oh, okay.
319
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:43,896
I want to ask you
something...
320
00:10:43,930 --> 00:10:45,197
Between you and me.
321
00:10:45,249 --> 00:10:46,684
You want to know
if I think my mom
322
00:10:46,736 --> 00:10:47,951
Did something
to that dog.
323
00:10:47,986 --> 00:10:50,621
Yeah.
Sit.
324
00:10:52,731 --> 00:10:54,690
Don't most kids
drink soda?
325
00:10:54,725 --> 00:10:55,974
Who knows what they do?
326
00:10:56,010 --> 00:10:59,928
So, your mom.
327
00:10:59,964 --> 00:11:03,342
Jay, I've learned a few things
in my 12 years.
328
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,404
Don't skimp on linens,
329
00:11:05,438 --> 00:11:07,870
Don't compliment a teacher
on her figure,
330
00:11:07,906 --> 00:11:09,695
And when it comes
to my mom,
331
00:11:09,730 --> 00:11:11,892
Never ask questions
I don't want the answers to.
332
00:11:11,927 --> 00:11:14,494
I don't buy it.
Sensitive kid like you.
333
00:11:14,530 --> 00:11:16,826
I think you want to know
every bit as much as I do.
334
00:11:16,862 --> 00:11:18,213
You're wrong.
335
00:11:18,247 --> 00:11:20,291
Then why is
your hand shaking?
336
00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:22,267
This is my fifth one
of these today.
337
00:11:22,286 --> 00:11:23,890
I may have a problem.
338
00:11:23,924 --> 00:11:26,357
Okay. That's enough.
339
00:11:26,392 --> 00:11:29,230
No, no, no, 4:00 tomorrow
is fine.
340
00:11:29,248 --> 00:11:31,663
Yeah, my life partner and I
will see you then.
341
00:11:31,698 --> 00:11:32,914
Thank -- thank you.
342
00:11:32,948 --> 00:11:34,941
Since when do you call me
your life partner?
343
00:11:34,976 --> 00:11:37,477
Since a spot opened up
at billingsley academy.
344
00:11:37,511 --> 00:11:40,231
But I liked wagon wheel.
It had all the duckies.
345
00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,512
And it reminded me
of where I went in missouri.
346
00:11:42,547 --> 00:11:45,317
Cam, everyone goes
to billingsley for a reason --
347
00:11:45,352 --> 00:11:46,652
It's the harvard
of preschools.
348
00:11:46,687 --> 00:11:48,646
She's not even
2 years old yet.
349
00:11:48,681 --> 00:11:51,062
She doesn't need the harvard
of preschools.
350
00:11:51,097 --> 00:11:53,682
She needs finger painting
and duckies.
351
00:11:53,733 --> 00:11:55,422
I'm begging you to please
just say "ducks."
352
00:11:57,028 --> 00:11:58,007
Hello?
353
00:11:58,059 --> 00:12:00,458
Great news.
Wagon wheel loved you.
354
00:12:00,492 --> 00:12:02,147
You're in.
Oh.
355
00:12:02,182 --> 00:12:03,330
Wagon wheel wants us.
356
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,530
Oh, yes!
357
00:12:04,565 --> 00:12:06,135
Okay. Well, that's great
and everything,
358
00:12:06,170 --> 00:12:08,163
But actually we have
an appointment tomorrow
359
00:12:08,197 --> 00:12:09,515
- At billingsley.
- Really?
360
00:12:09,549 --> 00:12:12,066
Yeah, apparently we are
in very high demand.
361
00:12:12,102 --> 00:12:13,249
Oh, well,
362
00:12:13,301 --> 00:12:15,074
Just so you know,
I don't think wagon wheel
363
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:16,477
Is gonna hold a place
for you.
364
00:12:16,512 --> 00:12:18,083
Well, I think
we're gonna take our chance.
365
00:12:18,117 --> 00:12:19,383
Take our chance?
That sounds chancy.
366
00:12:19,418 --> 00:12:20,482
You know, mitchell,
367
00:12:20,517 --> 00:12:23,067
You were the one
who called me in a panic.
368
00:12:23,085 --> 00:12:25,788
You were the one
who needed me to get you in.
369
00:12:25,839 --> 00:12:27,360
I'm sorry, claire.
I didn't mean to put you out.
370
00:12:27,394 --> 00:12:29,082
But let's not get
too dramatic here.
You wrote an e-mail.
371
00:12:29,118 --> 00:12:30,164
It wasn't an e-mail.
372
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:34,136
It was a phone call
from a land line.
373
00:12:37,195 --> 00:12:38,292
What did you do?
374
00:12:38,344 --> 00:12:40,252
What's best for lily.
Did you?
375
00:12:40,287 --> 00:12:42,263
Cam, this is the first time
that being gay
376
00:12:42,298 --> 00:12:43,547
Is a competitive advantage.
377
00:12:43,582 --> 00:12:45,339
They're choosing teams
for gym class,
378
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:47,248
And we're finally
getting picked first.
379
00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:48,600
I always got picked first.
380
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:50,171
I could throw a dodgeball
through a piece of plywood.
381
00:12:50,207 --> 00:12:52,452
But I see your point.
382
00:13:14,759 --> 00:13:15,975
Hey.
383
00:13:17,057 --> 00:13:19,135
Don't sneak up on me
like that.
384
00:13:19,169 --> 00:13:20,656
What are you doing
out here?
385
00:13:20,690 --> 00:13:22,937
You got in my head
about my mom.
386
00:13:22,989 --> 00:13:24,881
Is that the rat shovel?
387
00:13:24,915 --> 00:13:26,367
Yeah.
388
00:13:26,402 --> 00:13:28,395
Are you checking it
for signs of dog?
389
00:13:28,430 --> 00:13:30,085
I was going to.
390
00:13:30,119 --> 00:13:31,437
Well, let's do this quick.
391
00:13:31,471 --> 00:13:35,018
If she catches us, we're as dead
as that dog probably is.
392
00:13:38,670 --> 00:13:40,815
What are you doing here?
Nothing.
393
00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,590
Why are you looking
at that shovel?
394
00:13:42,624 --> 00:13:43,773
Do you think someone
395
00:13:43,807 --> 00:13:46,612
Did something
with that shovel, manny?
396
00:13:48,505 --> 00:13:49,957
He thinks
you killed the dog.
397
00:13:49,992 --> 00:13:51,123
You little rat.
398
00:13:51,175 --> 00:13:52,593
Don't call me a rat!
399
00:13:52,611 --> 00:13:53,912
She kills rats!
400
00:14:00,312 --> 00:14:02,410
You really think
that I would kill a dog?
401
00:14:02,445 --> 00:14:03,866
Well, what was I
supposed to think?
402
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:04,882
I don't know.
403
00:14:04,916 --> 00:14:06,371
How about
I didn't kill a dog?
404
00:14:06,406 --> 00:14:08,098
Just tell me
what you did with it.
405
00:14:08,117 --> 00:14:10,231
He's in a better place.
406
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,992
That's what people say
when something's dead.
407
00:14:12,028 --> 00:14:13,244
Okay, fine.
408
00:14:13,263 --> 00:14:16,174
I took him to a farm where
he has plenty of room to run.
409
00:14:16,209 --> 00:14:19,068
That's the second thing people
say when something's dead.
410
00:14:19,087 --> 00:14:22,252
My hairdresser's brother
has three kids.
411
00:14:22,270 --> 00:14:23,556
They live in the country.
412
00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:25,147
They were so happy to have
the dog
413
00:14:25,182 --> 00:14:27,077
That they gave me a jar
of pickles.
414
00:14:27,111 --> 00:14:28,956
Is that also what they say
when something is dead?
415
00:14:28,991 --> 00:14:29,888
Really?
416
00:14:31,869 --> 00:14:33,798
Look. Look how happy
they are,
417
00:14:33,832 --> 00:14:35,847
Instead of him being tied
to a tree outside
418
00:14:35,881 --> 00:14:37,522
With no one to talk to.
419
00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:40,163
Why didn't you just tell me this
in the first place?
420
00:14:40,199 --> 00:14:42,060
Like you would be okay
with me stealing a dog?
421
00:14:42,095 --> 00:14:43,363
No.
Exactly.
422
00:14:43,399 --> 00:14:44,463
That's
why I didn't tell you.
423
00:14:44,482 --> 00:14:46,631
Now the dog is happy,
manny can sleep,
424
00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:47,681
And we have pickles.
425
00:14:47,715 --> 00:14:49,713
Okay,
it worked out this time,
426
00:14:49,747 --> 00:14:51,964
But don't forget that stealing
is against the law.
427
00:14:51,999 --> 00:14:54,012
Now, maybe in colombia --
ah, here we go,
428
00:14:54,048 --> 00:14:55,874
Because in colombia
we trip over goats
429
00:14:55,910 --> 00:14:57,517
And we kill people
in the street.
430
00:14:57,569 --> 00:14:59,904
Do you know
how offensive that is?
431
00:14:59,939 --> 00:15:02,240
Like we are peruvians!
432
00:15:05,966 --> 00:15:07,726
The contest was hard.
433
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,334
Reservations.
434
00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:10,739
Even though we had sworn off
the internet,
435
00:15:10,757 --> 00:15:12,737
The rest of the world hadn't.
436
00:15:12,771 --> 00:15:14,159
Orlando.
437
00:15:14,194 --> 00:15:15,767
Domestic.
438
00:15:18,731 --> 00:15:19,814
Representative.
439
00:15:19,849 --> 00:15:22,014
Representative!
440
00:15:22,050 --> 00:15:23,673
Representative!
Representative!
441
00:15:29,753 --> 00:15:31,783
Computer voice:
You've got mail.
442
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:40,604
- Really, claire?
- You don't understand.
443
00:15:40,638 --> 00:15:42,297
I was trying to deal
with our plane tickets
444
00:15:42,331 --> 00:15:43,482
To visit your family.
445
00:15:43,516 --> 00:15:45,784
Please stop. You're just
embarrassing yourself.
446
00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:48,087
Well, it looks like
it's just you and me, old man.
447
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:49,475
Bring it.
448
00:15:53,268 --> 00:15:55,993
And finally, here we are back
at the office.
449
00:15:56,028 --> 00:15:57,906
If you two would like
to take a seat,
450
00:15:57,941 --> 00:15:59,548
I will let mr. Plympton know
that you're here.
451
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,800
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
452
00:16:03,376 --> 00:16:05,152
this place is amazing!
453
00:16:05,187 --> 00:16:06,490
I told you.
454
00:16:06,524 --> 00:16:07,945
It's like hogwarts!
455
00:16:07,997 --> 00:16:09,655
The ladybug sanctuary.
456
00:16:09,691 --> 00:16:11,518
Oh, my gosh.
The little cobblestones.
457
00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:12,550
So sweet.
I know.
458
00:16:12,586 --> 00:16:14,701
Screw the duckies.
We belong here.
459
00:16:14,735 --> 00:16:16,224
Do you think
they're gonna let us in?
460
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:17,358
Cam, relax.
461
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,865
We're queer,
we're here.
462
00:16:18,883 --> 00:16:19,932
Yes, we are.
463
00:16:19,983 --> 00:16:21,878
Okay.
Just a few more minutes.
464
00:16:21,896 --> 00:16:22,894
Thank you.
465
00:16:22,912 --> 00:16:24,993
Yes, thank you.
466
00:16:25,029 --> 00:16:27,399
Hi.
I'm stephanie kaner.
467
00:16:27,433 --> 00:16:28,583
And this is javar.
468
00:16:28,618 --> 00:16:30,971
We have an interview
with mr. Plympton.
469
00:16:31,022 --> 00:16:32,409
Wonderful. These two are first.
You'll be next.
470
00:16:32,444 --> 00:16:34,204
Single white mother,
black child.
471
00:16:34,222 --> 00:16:36,100
So what? Lily's asian.
We're gay.
472
00:16:36,135 --> 00:16:38,894
In the school admissions poker
game, we're the winning hand.
473
00:16:40,063 --> 00:16:41,010
Oh, honey, sorry.
474
00:16:41,044 --> 00:16:42,838
My partner kavita.
475
00:16:42,873 --> 00:16:45,174
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
476
00:16:45,209 --> 00:16:46,631
It will be just
a few minutes.
477
00:16:46,665 --> 00:16:50,355
Disabled interracial lesbians
with an african kicker.
478
00:16:50,389 --> 00:16:53,098
Did not see that coming.
479
00:16:53,132 --> 00:16:56,586
It's been a while since
I read an actual newspaper.
480
00:16:56,620 --> 00:16:57,770
Miss that sound.
481
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:05,219
No, no, no, no!
What is it?
482
00:17:05,254 --> 00:17:06,540
Brady's injured.
483
00:17:06,575 --> 00:17:08,030
No! He's my whole team.
484
00:17:08,065 --> 00:17:09,757
I have to change my roster.
485
00:17:09,775 --> 00:17:11,382
Honey, if you can't do it
over the phone,
486
00:17:11,417 --> 00:17:13,718
You can't do it, because we're
not buying haley a car.
487
00:17:13,753 --> 00:17:14,937
Yeah.
Yeah.
488
00:17:14,972 --> 00:17:15,953
Yeah.
489
00:17:15,971 --> 00:17:17,037
Well...
490
00:17:17,071 --> 00:17:20,897
Well, I'm just gonna go
to the bathroom.
491
00:17:25,546 --> 00:17:28,321
Phil dunphy, don't you
even dream of it.
492
00:17:28,356 --> 00:17:29,812
Claire, all my friends
are in that league.
493
00:17:29,847 --> 00:17:31,031
I'm gonna like an idiot.
So what?
494
00:17:31,065 --> 00:17:32,893
So I paid
a huge entrance fee.
495
00:17:32,927 --> 00:17:34,857
How huge?
Not huge. Tiny.
496
00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:39,631
Oh, my goodness. How is
she not cracking up there?
497
00:17:39,666 --> 00:17:41,256
Listen to her.
498
00:17:41,291 --> 00:17:43,390
No, I know,
but do you know?
499
00:17:43,424 --> 00:17:45,184
Wait a minute.
She's alone.
500
00:17:45,218 --> 00:17:46,810
So?
501
00:17:46,844 --> 00:17:48,604
She's alone.
502
00:17:48,638 --> 00:17:51,109
Oh, my god.
503
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,936
I know.
You should see her pants.
504
00:17:54,971 --> 00:17:56,493
I'll text it to you.
505
00:17:56,527 --> 00:18:00,099
Oh, wait. Okay.
Hold on. I'll send it.
506
00:18:00,151 --> 00:18:04,094
Ha! Aha!
Aha! Busted!
507
00:18:04,130 --> 00:18:06,177
Sophie, I have to
call you back.
508
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:07,921
I knew it.
I knew you couldn't do it.
509
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:09,360
I told you
I'd outlast them.
510
00:18:09,395 --> 00:18:11,290
This sucks!
What's going on?
511
00:18:11,325 --> 00:18:12,848
I'll tell you
what's going on.
512
00:18:12,882 --> 00:18:14,067
I win.
513
00:18:14,101 --> 00:18:17,249
Nobody gets a car,
I dump tom brady,
514
00:18:17,284 --> 00:18:20,466
And our long amish nightmare
is over.
515
00:18:20,484 --> 00:18:22,244
I can't believe
you thought
516
00:18:22,278 --> 00:18:24,394
You were gonna put one over
on us.
517
00:18:24,429 --> 00:18:25,545
I can't believe
518
00:18:25,579 --> 00:18:28,085
That he's actually already
on the internet.
519
00:18:28,119 --> 00:18:29,456
Believe it, girl.
520
00:18:29,490 --> 00:18:32,250
So, you're actually online
right now?
Yep.
521
00:18:32,284 --> 00:18:35,059
Well, then I hate to break it
to you, daddy,
522
00:18:35,094 --> 00:18:38,310
But you lose.
523
00:18:38,345 --> 00:18:39,698
What?
What?
524
00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:41,086
This isn't my phone.
525
00:18:41,105 --> 00:18:42,949
I carved it
out of a bar of soap
526
00:18:42,984 --> 00:18:44,879
And colored it in
with a marker.
527
00:18:44,914 --> 00:18:50,093
Phil, she carved a telephone
out of a bar of soap.
528
00:18:50,128 --> 00:18:52,564
I can't believe it!
I'm getting a car!
529
00:18:52,583 --> 00:18:55,036
Holy crap.
We've been shawshanked.
530
00:18:58,322 --> 00:18:59,642
Sorry about the delay.
531
00:18:59,677 --> 00:19:02,689
I was going over the plans
for our new dance studio.
532
00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:04,907
Wow.
533
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:06,143
So, tell me
about yourselves.
534
00:19:06,178 --> 00:19:09,834
Uh, well, I'm a lawyer.
535
00:19:09,869 --> 00:19:11,357
Many of our applicants
are attorneys.
536
00:19:11,375 --> 00:19:12,441
Of course.
537
00:19:12,476 --> 00:19:13,660
What sets you apart?
538
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:15,420
Um, well, I --
539
00:19:15,456 --> 00:19:21,853
While my white-man name is
tucker, I am 1/16 cherokee.
540
00:19:21,872 --> 00:19:25,883
Ready for child
to soar like eagle.
541
00:19:25,918 --> 00:19:27,542
Oh, god.
542
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:30,708
So,
what are you saying?
543
00:19:30,744 --> 00:19:33,028
Um...
Uhhh...
544
00:19:33,062 --> 00:19:34,484
You're not getting
a car.
545
00:19:34,519 --> 00:19:35,668
But I won.
546
00:19:35,704 --> 00:19:37,429
Yes, but we never thought
you would.
547
00:19:37,465 --> 00:19:38,936
So?
548
00:19:38,988 --> 00:19:40,544
So, congratulations
on your victory.
549
00:19:40,563 --> 00:19:42,289
Nobody can ever take that
away from you.
550
00:19:42,341 --> 00:19:43,321
So true.
Mm-hmm.
551
00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:45,776
But I spent
two days in my room
552
00:19:45,827 --> 00:19:47,689
Talking to a bar of soap.
553
00:19:47,724 --> 00:19:48,705
It's not fair.
554
00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:50,567
It's totally not fair.
555
00:19:50,619 --> 00:19:51,599
We're outraged.
556
00:19:51,635 --> 00:19:52,819
Bad parenting.
557
00:19:52,871 --> 00:19:55,071
but we had a deal.
558
00:19:55,105 --> 00:19:58,388
Which, in hindsight,
was utter nonsense.
559
00:19:58,424 --> 00:19:59,743
Hey.
560
00:19:59,778 --> 00:20:00,860
We hated billingsley.
561
00:20:00,896 --> 00:20:02,367
The place is so stupid.
Ugh!
562
00:20:02,419 --> 00:20:04,653
You blew the interview,
didn't you?
563
00:20:04,687 --> 00:20:06,142
Lesbians.
564
00:20:06,178 --> 00:20:07,869
In a wheelchair.
565
00:20:07,888 --> 00:20:09,156
Oh.
566
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,081
You still mad at me?
567
00:20:15,117 --> 00:20:16,436
You tell me.
568
00:20:16,471 --> 00:20:18,586
What is this?
569
00:20:18,638 --> 00:20:20,533
I've been thinking if you said
as much about america
570
00:20:20,568 --> 00:20:22,700
As I said about colombia,
I'd be plenty ticked off.
571
00:20:22,735 --> 00:20:24,563
Doesn't make up
for everything, but...
572
00:20:24,597 --> 00:20:26,204
A trip to colombia?
573
00:20:26,256 --> 00:20:28,152
I want to see your village,
learn your culture.
574
00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:29,404
I love you.
575
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,504
I'm sure I'm gonna love
where you come from.
576
00:20:31,538 --> 00:20:34,044
Aw, jay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
577
00:20:36,584 --> 00:20:38,513
No way
he's going to my village.
578
00:20:38,547 --> 00:20:41,560
I was in two car accidents
when I was living there.
579
00:20:41,595 --> 00:20:43,135
Both times I hit a goat.
580
00:20:43,187 --> 00:20:44,810
One was hurt pretty bad.
581
00:20:44,846 --> 00:20:48,027
But it was a good thing
I had a shovel in the trunk.
582
00:20:49,829 --> 00:20:54,690
Tthat, though I layretold
with fire-haired man,
583
00:20:54,724 --> 00:20:59,061
The giving hawk
would bring us baby
584
00:20:59,095 --> 00:21:02,965
With her skin the color
of sweet corn,
585
00:21:02,999 --> 00:21:06,619
Which my people
call maize.
586
00:21:06,670 --> 00:21:08,003
Please stop.
587
00:21:08,038 --> 00:21:09,121
Well, um...
588
00:21:09,172 --> 00:21:14,810
Knowledge is her sustenance,
like so much maize --
589
00:21:14,845 --> 00:21:19,248
Which, you'll remember,
means "corn."
590
00:21:19,282 --> 00:21:21,450
What if I was
a single dad?
591
00:21:21,451 --> 00:21:27,451
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