1 00:00:01,059 --> 00:00:03,594 - Good night, Triangle. - Good night, Square. 2 00:00:03,663 --> 00:00:07,113 Thanks for showing us how fun it is to learn. 3 00:00:07,148 --> 00:00:10,452 Do you want to get their pajamas, or should I... 4 00:00:10,537 --> 00:00:11,649 Ohh. 5 00:00:13,539 --> 00:00:16,875 Next, "Blood Orgy 7: Rise of the Organ Hoarder." 6 00:00:20,079 --> 00:00:21,282 Aah! 7 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:27,318 Oh, my God! 8 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,386 Why?! 9 00:00:28,387 --> 00:00:29,654 Why?! 10 00:00:30,104 --> 00:00:41,854 Modern Family S11E14 Spuds Original Air Date on Feb 19, 2020 11 00:00:42,701 --> 00:00:44,569 Are you Daniel Boone? 12 00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:46,971 Who's asking? 13 00:00:47,072 --> 00:00:48,806 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 14 00:00:48,908 --> 00:00:50,742 I just came to see Kentucky, 15 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,677 the fifth-largest tobacco producer 16 00:00:52,778 --> 00:00:56,114 and the third-largest coal producer in the country. 17 00:00:56,215 --> 00:00:58,283 I feel like I am there. 18 00:00:58,384 --> 00:01:00,451 The only thing more painful than children's theater 19 00:01:00,553 --> 00:01:02,287 is what's going on with my back right now. 20 00:01:02,388 --> 00:01:05,156 Why can't you take the pills that the doctor gave you 21 00:01:05,257 --> 00:01:07,158 so that you can enjoy your son's tour de force? 22 00:01:07,259 --> 00:01:08,726 I just need a little stretch. 23 00:01:08,827 --> 00:01:10,595 Doctors give you pills for everything today. 24 00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:11,930 Now we need a volunteer. 25 00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:14,232 Mr. Pritchett, thank you for your enthusiasm. 26 00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:15,833 - What? - One of our players 27 00:01:15,935 --> 00:01:17,068 has been kidnapped by his stepfather, 28 00:01:17,169 --> 00:01:18,236 but the show must go on. 29 00:01:18,237 --> 00:01:19,337 Place a star on the flag 30 00:01:19,438 --> 00:01:21,239 every time a territory becomes a state. 31 00:01:21,340 --> 00:01:22,807 Seriously, but do the police... 32 00:01:22,908 --> 00:01:25,543 How 'bout a round of applause?! 33 00:01:27,279 --> 00:01:30,048 Faster, please. We're losing them. 34 00:01:30,149 --> 00:01:31,482 Where are you? 35 00:01:31,584 --> 00:01:33,985 You're missing Joe's tribute to the 50 nifty United States. 36 00:01:35,621 --> 00:01:37,689 I'm at home in bed with the worst cold. 37 00:01:37,790 --> 00:01:39,390 Afraid the whole family's down. 38 00:01:39,491 --> 00:01:42,226 Might've even lost a few house plants, yeah. 39 00:01:42,328 --> 00:01:44,062 Okay, well, I'm gonna get some rest now. 40 00:01:44,163 --> 00:01:45,863 Alright. Take care. 41 00:01:50,266 --> 00:01:52,003 - Aah! - Phil! 42 00:01:52,004 --> 00:01:55,273 You told me you sold your dad's RV! 43 00:01:55,374 --> 00:01:57,976 And you told me you were running your 5-mile loop! 44 00:01:58,077 --> 00:02:00,178 This street is on your 3-mile course, 45 00:02:00,279 --> 00:02:02,146 so who are you really mad at, Claire? 46 00:02:03,649 --> 00:02:05,283 Gloria, we are so sorry, 47 00:02:05,384 --> 00:02:07,652 but we're not gonna be able to make it to Joe's play. 48 00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,654 No, no, Ronaldo's mom, she had... 49 00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,756 well, she had emergency surgery, 50 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,559 and, uh, he and Pepper dropped off their Great Danes 51 00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:16,194 to our place with no warning. 52 00:02:17,963 --> 00:02:19,831 No! No, stay away from that! Not the vase! 53 00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:23,401 Sorry, Gloria. I gotta go. 54 00:02:23,502 --> 00:02:25,203 You couldn't just say you had a cold? 55 00:02:25,304 --> 00:02:27,205 Oh, yeah, and Abe Lincoln, 56 00:02:27,306 --> 00:02:29,374 he could've said, "87 years ago," 57 00:02:29,475 --> 00:02:31,109 and Hamlet could've said, "Maybe I'll kill myself." 58 00:02:31,210 --> 00:02:33,077 No, it's the finishing touches 59 00:02:33,179 --> 00:02:35,580 that separate the merely good from great, Mitchell! 60 00:02:35,681 --> 00:02:37,749 Sweetie, I know you're really tense about this... 61 00:02:37,850 --> 00:02:39,317 No, no, no! Don't jinx it, don't jinx it! 62 00:02:39,418 --> 00:02:40,785 Cam is up for head coach 63 00:02:40,886 --> 00:02:42,821 - at the University of Nor... - Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup! 64 00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:45,523 Bup, bup! 65 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,659 Cam is up for head football coach 66 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,195 at the University of North Central Missouri. 67 00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,529 It's his dream job, 68 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:53,565 and they're supposed to call him about it today, 69 00:02:53,666 --> 00:02:55,400 and it's making him a little crazy. 70 00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:56,534 In f-fact... 71 00:02:56,535 --> 00:02:58,369 C-Claire's always Dad's favorite, 72 00:02:58,471 --> 00:03:00,071 and I-I'm really miffed about that. 73 00:03:00,172 --> 00:03:02,874 Oh, boy. This again, huh? 74 00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:04,576 Okay. No, go on. 75 00:03:04,677 --> 00:03:06,478 - I'm ready. - Oh, my God! 76 00:03:06,579 --> 00:03:09,514 - Honey, you look gorgeous! Look at her. - Ah, sweetie! Oh! 77 00:03:09,615 --> 00:03:11,583 Now, may I give you a piece of advice from my first date? 78 00:03:11,684 --> 00:03:13,184 Don't say how much you want to have kids, 79 00:03:13,285 --> 00:03:15,019 and don't cry, because your makeup will run. 80 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:16,554 I'm more worried about my date running 81 00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:17,856 when he sees you two there. 82 00:03:17,957 --> 00:03:19,991 You'll barely even notice us, okay? 83 00:03:20,092 --> 00:03:22,160 Just be yourself. You are... You're so funny. 84 00:03:22,421 --> 00:03:24,262 Okay, tell that funny story 85 00:03:24,363 --> 00:03:26,264 of the old drunk guy who was kissing the donkey. 86 00:03:26,365 --> 00:03:28,433 Oh, because your family's perfect? 87 00:03:28,534 --> 00:03:30,301 Okay. Oh, my God! That's it! 88 00:03:30,402 --> 00:03:31,402 That's the job! 89 00:03:31,504 --> 00:03:33,137 Where's my phone?! Where's my phone?! 90 00:03:33,239 --> 00:03:35,573 This is the worst thing that could be happ... 91 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:37,239 Okay, it's just my mediation app. 92 00:03:40,246 --> 00:03:42,747 Okay, you need to control your man. 93 00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,148 If he gets bad news tonight 94 00:03:44,250 --> 00:03:46,017 and melts down in front of Randy, 95 00:03:46,118 --> 00:03:48,386 I can kiss "kissing him goodbye" goodbye. 96 00:03:48,487 --> 00:03:50,355 Okay, no, I gotcha, I gotcha. Come on, let's go. 97 00:03:50,456 --> 00:03:52,724 I understand we all get attached to things 98 00:03:52,825 --> 00:03:54,225 that belonged to our parents. 99 00:03:54,326 --> 00:03:55,393 That's not it. 100 00:03:55,394 --> 00:03:57,262 I'm doing this so you and I can have some adventures. 101 00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:59,197 Can't you see yourself making lists and folding shirts 102 00:03:59,298 --> 00:04:01,099 while we drive across the Golden Gate Bridge? 103 00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:03,168 We're never gonna use this thing. 104 00:04:03,269 --> 00:04:05,537 It guzzles gas, and it takes an hour to park. 105 00:04:05,638 --> 00:04:06,705 Well, then leave it here. 106 00:04:06,806 --> 00:04:07,973 You've always wanted a guest house. 107 00:04:08,074 --> 00:04:10,475 Not one with seat belts at the dining table. 108 00:04:12,979 --> 00:04:14,112 No discussion, Dylan. 109 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,548 We're taking them to see a baby psychiatrist. 110 00:04:16,649 --> 00:04:18,350 Are you still talking about that crazy movie? 111 00:04:18,451 --> 00:04:19,751 Well, it messed them up! 112 00:04:19,852 --> 00:04:21,086 We took them to the park. 113 00:04:21,187 --> 00:04:22,654 Swing set... bored. 114 00:04:22,755 --> 00:04:23,922 Cute squirrels... snore. 115 00:04:24,023 --> 00:04:25,557 Then an old lady walking her poodle 116 00:04:25,658 --> 00:04:27,259 trips and gets dragged through a rosebush, 117 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,760 and these two burst out laughing 118 00:04:28,861 --> 00:04:30,128 like two stoners in a tickle fight. 119 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:31,796 I'm sure you're both overreacting 120 00:04:31,898 --> 00:04:33,331 the way all new parents do. 121 00:04:33,432 --> 00:04:34,666 No, Mom, we're screwing this up. 122 00:04:34,767 --> 00:04:36,468 At the very least, we need help, 123 00:04:36,569 --> 00:04:38,170 like... like an au pair or something. 124 00:04:38,271 --> 00:04:39,304 That's two nannies, right? 125 00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:40,138 - Correct. - Okay. 126 00:04:40,139 --> 00:04:41,740 Ohh. 127 00:04:41,841 --> 00:04:45,443 Look at how gentle they're being with that butterfly. 128 00:04:45,545 --> 00:04:47,379 See? You two were worrying for no... 129 00:04:47,971 --> 00:04:49,514 - They're tearing it apart. - Oh God! 130 00:04:49,615 --> 00:04:52,150 What do you say we leave the babies with Farrah 131 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,252 and the grown-ups go out and talk about this over dinner? 132 00:04:54,353 --> 00:04:56,955 Great idea. Oh! Four people, though. 133 00:04:57,056 --> 00:04:58,790 Try fitting that in a regular car. 134 00:04:58,891 --> 00:05:00,258 Wait a minute. 135 00:05:00,359 --> 00:05:03,762 What if we took the R... You kidding me?! 136 00:05:03,863 --> 00:05:05,864 Remind me to buy some wheel blocks! 137 00:05:09,502 --> 00:05:11,069 Oh, God. Lily needs my help. 138 00:05:13,773 --> 00:05:15,073 What the hell are you doing? 139 00:05:15,174 --> 00:05:16,875 I'm... I'm trying to get her to tell that funny donkey story. 140 00:05:16,976 --> 00:05:18,443 By making an Eeyore sound? 141 00:05:18,544 --> 00:05:20,679 You know what? Not all donkeys are depressed. 142 00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:22,113 That's an offensive stereotype 143 00:05:22,215 --> 00:05:24,449 perpetuated by a bunch of ignorant Iowans. 144 00:05:25,119 --> 00:05:26,218 Oh, my God! My phone's buzzing! 145 00:05:26,852 --> 00:05:27,852 It's just Longinus. 146 00:05:27,853 --> 00:05:30,322 Yeah, we know. You met Marie Osmond at a Five Guys. 147 00:05:30,423 --> 00:05:31,690 Nobody cares. 148 00:05:33,025 --> 00:05:35,360 My friend said we should try the potato. 149 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:36,595 - Lily! - Hey, guys. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 150 00:05:36,696 --> 00:05:37,829 - Hey. - Hi! 151 00:05:37,930 --> 00:05:39,097 Hey, guys! What are you doing here? 152 00:05:39,198 --> 00:05:41,050 Oh, just taking a break from scarring our children. 153 00:05:41,085 --> 00:05:41,767 Now, come on. 154 00:05:41,804 --> 00:05:43,969 Haley and Dylan were having a little bit of a meltdown, 155 00:05:44,070 --> 00:05:45,570 and we thought we'd hit Spuds one last time 156 00:05:45,671 --> 00:05:46,671 before they close for good. 157 00:05:46,672 --> 00:05:48,406 I know. It's sad, isn't it? 158 00:05:48,507 --> 00:05:50,175 - Remember we used to spend all of our birthdays here... - Yeah! 159 00:05:50,276 --> 00:05:53,178 - ...and Spuddy Holly would always sing to us. - Yes! Oh. 160 00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:55,714 ♪ Scalloped, fried, or lyonnaise ♪ 161 00:05:55,815 --> 00:05:57,449 ♪ Spuds' potatoes amaze ♪ 162 00:05:57,550 --> 00:05:58,817 ♪ Happy birthday ♪ 163 00:05:58,918 --> 00:06:00,752 I want to stress that I'm adopted. 164 00:06:00,853 --> 00:06:02,654 Why don't we leave the lovebirds to their date? 165 00:06:02,655 --> 00:06:03,722 Good idea, but you know what? 166 00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:06,458 Spuds is better with more people, much like a vehicle. 167 00:06:06,559 --> 00:06:08,460 Let's... Let's see if they can sit the rest of us together. 168 00:06:08,561 --> 00:06:10,629 - Okay, yeah. Alright. - Okay. 169 00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:17,836 I'd been following Cam's competitor for the coaching spot 170 00:06:17,937 --> 00:06:19,454 on Instagram, and... 171 00:06:19,739 --> 00:06:22,741 ...he beat Cam out for the job, which meant, any minute, 172 00:06:22,786 --> 00:06:25,010 Cam would be getting the devastating news himself. 173 00:06:25,078 --> 00:06:28,013 And I-I-I couldn't rely on the joyful environment of Spuds 174 00:06:28,114 --> 00:06:29,781 to cushion the blow. 175 00:06:29,882 --> 00:06:31,950 Although, it is famously where Larry King broke up 176 00:06:32,051 --> 00:06:33,585 with four of his wives. 177 00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:34,819 Cam. Cam. 178 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,721 I-I-I just got some bad news, 179 00:06:36,822 --> 00:06:38,290 and I think it's best that you hear it from me. 180 00:06:38,391 --> 00:06:39,491 Oh, I heard. 181 00:06:39,592 --> 00:06:40,925 They're out of the Impossible Potato. 182 00:06:41,027 --> 00:06:42,327 Now, I'm sorry, 183 00:06:42,428 --> 00:06:44,996 you advertise the first potato made entirely of meat, 184 00:06:45,097 --> 00:06:47,098 ya better have enough for everyone. 185 00:06:50,895 --> 00:06:52,753 Please just take those pills. 186 00:06:52,850 --> 00:06:55,222 You're more crooked than General James Wilkinson 187 00:06:55,323 --> 00:06:57,624 during the Louisiana Purchase. 188 00:06:57,725 --> 00:06:59,393 We're down to the last state. 189 00:06:59,494 --> 00:07:01,361 It's actually better if I move. 190 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,824 Wow. This is gorgeous. 191 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,534 What do you call this place, again? 192 00:07:07,635 --> 00:07:08,802 Pearl Harbor. 193 00:07:16,244 --> 00:07:17,411 Aah! 194 00:07:17,467 --> 00:07:20,113 Save the flag, boys! 195 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,723 Haley, get off your phone. 196 00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:31,492 The babies are fine with Dylan's mom. 197 00:07:31,593 --> 00:07:33,694 If you're feeling tense, my dad's old foot bath is in the RV. 198 00:07:33,795 --> 00:07:35,496 Plugs right into the cigarette lighter. 199 00:07:35,597 --> 00:07:36,997 Honey, there could be a money volcano 200 00:07:37,098 --> 00:07:39,099 that plugs right into a white wine fountain in there. 201 00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:40,334 I still wouldn't want it. 202 00:07:40,435 --> 00:07:41,835 I keep remembering things I forgot to tell her. 203 00:07:41,937 --> 00:07:43,470 My kids are already sociopaths. 204 00:07:43,572 --> 00:07:45,673 I don't need to give them a strawberry allergy on top of it. 205 00:07:45,774 --> 00:07:46,907 Oh, I completely, totally get that. 206 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:48,042 Just gonna turn this off. 207 00:07:48,143 --> 00:07:51,045 You know what? Hey, let... let's all turn off our phones. Come on. 208 00:07:51,146 --> 00:07:53,080 Yeah, you can... No, come on. Live in the moment. 209 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,249 I mean, appreciate the fact that we live in a town 210 00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:56,750 with family and friends 211 00:07:56,851 --> 00:07:58,586 all sitting at the same table where... 212 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,755 Oh, yeah, "Eisenhower planned the D-Day invasion." 213 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,057 Well, that's probably not true. 214 00:08:03,158 --> 00:08:04,225 Sounds like somebody's nervous 215 00:08:04,326 --> 00:08:05,693 about a possible move to Missouri. 216 00:08:05,794 --> 00:08:07,361 No, I'm... I'm just pointing out 217 00:08:07,462 --> 00:08:09,663 that there are a lot of really great things here. 218 00:08:09,764 --> 00:08:10,998 Like... Like, wouldn't it be a shame 219 00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:13,300 to cut that blossoming relationship short? 220 00:08:13,401 --> 00:08:15,903 Actually, I'm not so sure how much I trust that Randy guy. 221 00:08:16,004 --> 00:08:17,905 I mean, what kind of sicko is attracted to a 12-year-old? 222 00:08:18,006 --> 00:08:19,640 I wonder if his parents messed him up, too. 223 00:08:19,741 --> 00:08:21,208 You know, I read on a mommy blog 224 00:08:21,309 --> 00:08:23,728 that bad parenting is a direct link to future criminality... 225 00:08:23,763 --> 00:08:25,312 - and deejaying. - Okay, you know what? 226 00:08:25,313 --> 00:08:26,580 You two need to be careful 227 00:08:26,681 --> 00:08:29,216 because you can read so much about how to parent, 228 00:08:29,317 --> 00:08:30,651 you miss out on being one. 229 00:08:30,752 --> 00:08:32,386 Mitchell struggled with that. 230 00:08:32,487 --> 00:08:34,388 Just relax. 231 00:08:34,489 --> 00:08:35,556 Aww, sweetheart. 232 00:08:36,071 --> 00:08:36,958 Oh. 233 00:08:37,019 --> 00:08:38,926 - Did you put hair spray in this? - Just a little bit, yes. 234 00:08:39,027 --> 00:08:40,294 I'm gonna put some music on. 235 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:42,196 - No, Cam, I have to go work. - Dance with her! 236 00:08:42,297 --> 00:08:43,764 - Come on. I don't have time for this. - Put a little boogie in it. 237 00:08:43,865 --> 00:08:44,999 - No, come on, it... - ♪ Stand up ♪ 238 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,001 Just dance. You know you love this song. 239 00:08:47,102 --> 00:08:48,469 Alright. Okay. 240 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,471 Who's the dancing queen, huh? 241 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,539 ♪...all over town ♪ 242 00:08:52,641 --> 00:08:54,341 Put a little boogie in it. 243 00:08:54,442 --> 00:08:55,743 See? Fun. 244 00:08:56,647 --> 00:08:57,911 - Oh, my... - Was that her head? 245 00:08:58,013 --> 00:09:00,080 Sorry. I forgot how that story ended. 246 00:09:00,181 --> 00:09:02,383 It ended with us in the ER 247 00:09:02,484 --> 00:09:04,918 of one of the best hospitals in the world. 248 00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,587 Nice having that only a mile away. 249 00:09:06,688 --> 00:09:08,722 I'll have you know that the life expectancy in Missouri 250 00:09:08,823 --> 00:09:10,624 just climbed above Arkansas and Guam. 251 00:09:10,725 --> 00:09:12,493 Okay, give me back my phone. I'm ordering baby helmets. 252 00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:13,827 Stop worrying. 253 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,763 Kids get bonked all the time. 254 00:09:15,864 --> 00:09:18,058 Do you know how many tumbles Luke took? 255 00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,802 I think he wants to go out. 256 00:09:21,903 --> 00:09:23,470 Good boy! 257 00:09:23,571 --> 00:09:25,205 Smart dog. 258 00:09:25,307 --> 00:09:27,408 I hate to break it to you, but I think all dogs can do that. 259 00:09:27,509 --> 00:09:28,842 I'm gonna play outside. 260 00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:31,779 Ow! 261 00:09:33,048 --> 00:09:34,448 What happened? 262 00:09:34,549 --> 00:09:36,116 And he's fine. 263 00:09:36,217 --> 00:09:37,284 ...ish. 264 00:09:37,385 --> 00:09:40,137 I love the guy, but we're aiming a little bit higher than Luke. 265 00:09:40,238 --> 00:09:42,039 Haley, you kind of want your kids to get knocked around a little. 266 00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:43,174 It toughens them up for things 267 00:09:43,175 --> 00:09:45,047 that we all go through in adulthood. 268 00:09:45,082 --> 00:09:46,444 Daddy wins! 269 00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,446 Do you believe in miracles?! 270 00:09:48,547 --> 00:09:50,948 USA! US... 271 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,083 Oh, no! 272 00:09:52,184 --> 00:09:53,574 Oh, geez! 273 00:09:54,653 --> 00:09:56,153 Oh, my... What was that? 274 00:09:56,254 --> 00:09:57,088 - Was that a person that fell... - I'm good! 275 00:09:57,089 --> 00:09:58,122 Dad?! 276 00:09:58,123 --> 00:09:59,190 Hey, Dad, think fast. 277 00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:02,626 Aren't you being a little... 278 00:10:06,164 --> 00:10:07,498 But this isn't an emergen... 279 00:10:12,337 --> 00:10:14,572 Now it i-i-i-i-is! 280 00:10:14,673 --> 00:10:16,907 I mean, sure, I can no longer taste salt, but... 281 00:10:17,009 --> 00:10:18,809 I know that they're going to get bumps and bruises, 282 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:21,345 but I'm talking about psychological scars. 283 00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:23,247 I've had some experience with that myself. 284 00:10:23,794 --> 00:10:24,882 - Surpri... - Oh, oh! 285 00:10:25,575 --> 00:10:27,218 No! Oh! 286 00:10:27,319 --> 00:10:28,685 - No! - No! 287 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:29,822 I'm sorry! 288 00:10:29,857 --> 00:10:31,455 - Nothing's happening! - Oh, my God! 289 00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:32,957 It still haunts her. 290 00:10:33,058 --> 00:10:34,925 Not to be weird, but she still won't let me 291 00:10:35,027 --> 00:10:36,861 mention your names while we're making love. 292 00:10:36,962 --> 00:10:40,164 - Okay. - Well, well, well. 293 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:43,200 Yes, well, well, well. 294 00:10:43,301 --> 00:10:45,436 I see your cold is better. 295 00:10:45,537 --> 00:10:47,638 Turns out it was, like, an allergy... thing. 296 00:10:47,739 --> 00:10:49,874 And Pepper's Great Danes? 297 00:10:49,975 --> 00:10:51,842 Oh, uh, well, you know, they're big dogs. 298 00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,078 They... um, and they don't, uh, uh, live long. 299 00:10:54,179 --> 00:10:55,246 So they're... 300 00:10:55,247 --> 00:10:56,514 they're dead. 301 00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,616 I must look like Frederick Seward 302 00:10:58,717 --> 00:11:00,684 during the Alaska Purchase, 303 00:11:00,786 --> 00:11:03,554 because, apparently, you think that I'll buy anything. 304 00:11:03,655 --> 00:11:05,156 Gloria, okay, okay. 305 00:11:05,257 --> 00:11:06,891 We're s... We're sorry... We're sorry we lied to you, 306 00:11:06,992 --> 00:11:08,726 but if it makes you feel any better, 307 00:11:08,827 --> 00:11:10,861 Longinus took this really great photo of you 308 00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,930 at the Shakira concert the night that you missed 309 00:11:13,031 --> 00:11:14,532 Lily's clarinet recital because of pink eye. 310 00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:15,666 Ohh! 311 00:11:16,668 --> 00:11:18,569 I see that you've been waiting 312 00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:20,071 to spring that attack on me, 313 00:11:20,172 --> 00:11:23,274 just like Andrew Jackson in the Battle of New Orleans. 314 00:11:23,375 --> 00:11:24,608 Is this my life now? 315 00:11:24,709 --> 00:11:25,943 I'm gonna use the restroom. 316 00:11:26,044 --> 00:11:28,312 Will someone order the table-side baked potatoes? 317 00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,514 I mean, that's half of why you come here... for the show. 318 00:11:32,184 --> 00:11:34,285 - Public restroom, huh? - Mm. 319 00:11:34,386 --> 00:11:36,554 Shame he can't go in the privacy of his own car. 320 00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:38,989 It's true. The RV does have a bathroom. 321 00:11:39,091 --> 00:11:40,858 And a bolted-down Mr. Coffee, 322 00:11:40,959 --> 00:11:42,827 bear-proof undercarriage food bins. 323 00:11:42,928 --> 00:11:44,695 And how many miles would you say is on it? 324 00:11:44,796 --> 00:11:45,796 Wait! 325 00:11:47,032 --> 00:11:48,599 You're selling her on Craigslist? 326 00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,301 And this isn't even a good picture! 327 00:11:50,402 --> 00:11:51,902 This is her bad side! 328 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,138 Hey, look, I get the value of an RV, Claire. 329 00:11:54,239 --> 00:11:57,575 There is so much natural beauty to explore here in California. 330 00:11:57,676 --> 00:11:59,176 The Golden State! 331 00:11:59,277 --> 00:12:00,778 Are you really trying to get out of moving to Missouri? 332 00:12:00,879 --> 00:12:02,146 No, no! 333 00:12:02,247 --> 00:12:05,983 Sounds like what we need is a Missouri Compromise. 334 00:12:06,084 --> 00:12:08,686 Gloria, are you drugging Grandpa's Potato-tini? 335 00:12:08,787 --> 00:12:10,955 You saw how bent over he is. 336 00:12:11,056 --> 00:12:13,224 For some reason, he's scared of pills, 337 00:12:13,325 --> 00:12:15,259 and I can't watch him suffer anymore. 338 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,062 I hate it when they get cute with the bathroom signs. 339 00:12:18,163 --> 00:12:19,864 Why would French fries mean ladies 340 00:12:19,965 --> 00:12:21,765 and baked potato gents? 341 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,300 Just throw one of them into a skirt. 342 00:12:23,401 --> 00:12:25,236 So, uh, Dad, 343 00:12:25,337 --> 00:12:27,905 Gloria says that you won't take pills for your back? 344 00:12:28,006 --> 00:12:29,773 I got to get this from all sides now? 345 00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:32,176 I don't like what they do to me, alright? 346 00:12:32,277 --> 00:12:34,445 They make me feel super... 347 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,514 Horny? Constipated? 348 00:12:36,615 --> 00:12:38,115 Emotional. 349 00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:40,951 You know, sometimes you can just ride out a pause, buddy. 350 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:43,387 Anyway, the pain got so bad, I broke down. 351 00:12:43,488 --> 00:12:44,688 I took a couple in the men's room, 352 00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:47,358 which is the maximum dose, so strap in. 353 00:12:47,459 --> 00:12:48,526 N-N... 354 00:12:50,128 --> 00:12:51,428 You know, I'm gonna miss this place. 355 00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,265 Look, Spuddy Holly! 356 00:12:54,366 --> 00:12:55,866 He just about said it all, didn't he? 357 00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:58,536 "Scalloped, fried, lyonnaise. 358 00:12:58,637 --> 00:13:00,905 Spuds' potatoes do amaze." 359 00:13:03,206 --> 00:13:05,900 - Four pills? Is he gonna be okay? - He can handle it. 360 00:13:05,961 --> 00:13:08,134 Dad lived through the closet scene in the '80s. 361 00:13:08,136 --> 00:13:09,169 So did I. 362 00:13:09,270 --> 00:13:11,538 Oh, my God. He's talking to Lily and Dylan! 363 00:13:12,773 --> 00:13:14,107 I'm Dylan. 364 00:13:14,208 --> 00:13:17,110 You know, Randy, you remind me of a young me, 365 00:13:17,211 --> 00:13:19,546 prowling Saigon with a Vietnamese beauty. 366 00:13:19,647 --> 00:13:21,114 - There was this one bar I used to... - Let's go. 367 00:13:21,215 --> 00:13:23,016 Let's get you some black coffee. 368 00:13:23,117 --> 00:13:25,819 Peekaboo! George! Poppy! 369 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,888 Hello? Is anybody home? 370 00:13:29,457 --> 00:13:32,047 What gives? Mister Napkin usually kills. 371 00:13:32,082 --> 00:13:33,960 - Who wanted coffee? - Ah, here! 372 00:13:33,961 --> 00:13:35,028 - Ohh! - Ohh! 373 00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:38,031 They're laughing! See? They're psychos! 374 00:13:38,132 --> 00:13:40,934 Ay! Sorry, mister. Are you okay? 375 00:13:41,035 --> 00:13:43,937 I actually don't feel anything, which is even more scary. 376 00:13:44,038 --> 00:13:45,772 Don't be scared to feel, buddy. 377 00:13:45,873 --> 00:13:47,474 You could end up running away 378 00:13:47,575 --> 00:13:50,243 from an emotional situation with your kids, 379 00:13:50,344 --> 00:13:53,146 and those are always the most rewarding. 380 00:13:53,247 --> 00:13:54,481 You ask me, you're lucky. 381 00:13:54,582 --> 00:13:55,982 She dumped me by text 382 00:13:56,083 --> 00:13:57,817 while making out with her old boyfriend. 383 00:13:57,919 --> 00:13:59,319 I broke down crying. 384 00:13:59,420 --> 00:14:01,821 My charcoal ran like mascara. 385 00:14:01,923 --> 00:14:04,357 I had to be comforted by the other team's mascot. 386 00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:05,825 Lucky? 387 00:14:05,927 --> 00:14:07,394 Aw, I'm not gonna lie to you. 388 00:14:07,495 --> 00:14:11,231 It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while. 389 00:14:11,332 --> 00:14:13,533 I just wish I could say some magic words 390 00:14:13,634 --> 00:14:15,669 or give you a hug, make it all go away. 391 00:14:18,806 --> 00:14:20,874 In a way, he raised me. 392 00:14:20,975 --> 00:14:23,443 Pull yourself together, man! 393 00:14:23,544 --> 00:14:25,245 Haley, um, 394 00:14:25,346 --> 00:14:28,782 I think what your... chemically humanized grandfather 395 00:14:28,883 --> 00:14:31,030 is trying to say is that kids are built to last. 396 00:14:31,586 --> 00:14:32,919 Sure, they... they go through stuff, 397 00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:35,088 but they survive, especially when you're around to help. 398 00:14:36,524 --> 00:14:38,024 I miss him. 399 00:14:38,125 --> 00:14:40,060 Yeah. 400 00:14:40,161 --> 00:14:42,462 He was your first real boyfriend. 401 00:14:42,563 --> 00:14:45,432 I keep expecting him to show up. 402 00:14:45,533 --> 00:14:48,535 He used to come by at night, and I'd sneak out to see him. 403 00:14:48,636 --> 00:14:50,070 Yeah, I know. 404 00:14:50,171 --> 00:14:51,371 You knew? 405 00:14:51,472 --> 00:14:54,975 His car is 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler. 406 00:14:55,076 --> 00:14:56,509 And he honked. 407 00:14:58,312 --> 00:14:59,613 I loved that car. 408 00:14:59,621 --> 00:15:01,481 I know it hurts now, sweetheart, 409 00:15:01,582 --> 00:15:05,685 but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having. 410 00:15:11,392 --> 00:15:13,159 Aw. 411 00:15:13,261 --> 00:15:14,694 Well, what happened? 412 00:15:14,695 --> 00:15:15,729 Did he come back? 413 00:15:15,730 --> 00:15:17,631 That... 414 00:15:17,732 --> 00:15:18,965 That was you, buddy. 415 00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:21,534 I love this kid. 416 00:15:21,636 --> 00:15:23,036 I remember when he was a baby. 417 00:15:23,952 --> 00:15:26,773 We met my senior year of high school. 418 00:15:26,874 --> 00:15:28,308 Who does everyone think I am? 419 00:15:28,409 --> 00:15:29,943 You know, it's... 420 00:15:29,956 --> 00:15:33,480 Thing about babies, you... you fall in love with a baby 421 00:15:33,581 --> 00:15:35,315 with the cutest little fat folds, 422 00:15:35,366 --> 00:15:37,367 and then... bam... they're gone. 423 00:15:37,468 --> 00:15:39,536 But it's okay, because in its place 424 00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:42,005 is this... toddler 425 00:15:42,106 --> 00:15:44,107 with the greatest laugh on Earth. 426 00:15:44,208 --> 00:15:46,410 And then one day, the toddler's gone, 427 00:15:46,511 --> 00:15:48,545 and in its place, a little kid 428 00:15:48,646 --> 00:15:52,516 that asks the most interesting questions you've ever heard. 429 00:15:52,617 --> 00:15:54,251 And this keeps going on like that, 430 00:15:54,352 --> 00:15:56,853 but you never get the chance to miss any of them, 431 00:15:56,954 --> 00:16:00,457 'cause there's always a new kid to take the place of the old. 432 00:16:00,558 --> 00:16:01,992 Until they grow up. 433 00:16:02,093 --> 00:16:05,328 And then... in a moment, 434 00:16:05,430 --> 00:16:08,999 all those kids you fell in love with 435 00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:11,034 walk out the door at the same time. 436 00:16:11,903 --> 00:16:12,936 Jesus. 437 00:16:12,937 --> 00:16:14,337 Oh, I don't mean to be a bummer. 438 00:16:14,439 --> 00:16:16,606 I'm just saying it goes fast. 439 00:16:16,707 --> 00:16:19,209 Like the expression... 440 00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:21,645 "You never know the last time you pick up your kid." 441 00:16:21,746 --> 00:16:23,246 The point we're making, Haley, 442 00:16:23,347 --> 00:16:25,348 is that it's natural to worry over your kids. 443 00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,417 It... It just means that you love them. 444 00:16:27,518 --> 00:16:30,187 So, I'm always gonna feel like I screwed them up somehow? 445 00:16:30,288 --> 00:16:31,822 Kind of. 446 00:16:31,923 --> 00:16:33,990 I mean, eventually, you'll be able to laugh at it... 447 00:16:34,092 --> 00:16:37,160 probably around the time that you're reassuring your own children 448 00:16:37,261 --> 00:16:38,562 that they didn't screw up their babies. 449 00:16:39,402 --> 00:16:40,463 Thanks. 450 00:16:40,465 --> 00:16:42,599 No, actually, thank you. 451 00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,035 It's nice to know, as parents, that we can still have... 452 00:16:45,136 --> 00:16:46,169 Dad? 453 00:16:46,170 --> 00:16:48,105 I miss picking up my little girl. 454 00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:50,273 And it won't be the last time, damn it! 455 00:16:50,374 --> 00:16:51,641 - Oh! - You want a piggyback ride, honey? 456 00:16:51,742 --> 00:16:53,043 No. No. No. 457 00:16:53,144 --> 00:16:54,411 - You sure? - Okay, I'm calling it. 458 00:16:54,512 --> 00:16:55,579 Oh, my gosh! 459 00:16:55,580 --> 00:16:56,580 Okay, this is it! 460 00:16:56,581 --> 00:16:57,647 Uh... 461 00:16:57,648 --> 00:16:58,782 Hello? 462 00:17:01,359 --> 00:17:03,186 - The French fries were only okay. - Sorry about that. 463 00:17:03,287 --> 00:17:05,322 - Took a minute getting Jay to his car. - Mm. 464 00:17:05,373 --> 00:17:07,441 He saw a cloud that looked like his old football coach, 465 00:17:07,542 --> 00:17:09,743 - and he didn't want to be alone. - Ohh! 466 00:17:09,844 --> 00:17:12,112 - Turned out to be kind of a fun night, huh? - Yeah. 467 00:17:12,213 --> 00:17:13,280 Yeah. 468 00:17:13,381 --> 00:17:15,616 By the way... 469 00:17:15,717 --> 00:17:18,485 I got a response to my Craigslist ad. 470 00:17:18,586 --> 00:17:20,354 Oh. Oh, that was fast. 471 00:17:20,455 --> 00:17:21,521 Yeah. 472 00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,323 Yeah, really nice couple, 473 00:17:23,424 --> 00:17:24,858 soon to be empty nesters... 474 00:17:24,959 --> 00:17:27,561 three kids, two new grandkids. 475 00:17:27,662 --> 00:17:29,730 Wife's a little high-strung. 476 00:17:29,831 --> 00:17:31,331 Husband's a bit of an oddball 477 00:17:31,432 --> 00:17:33,233 with an infectious lust for life. 478 00:17:33,334 --> 00:17:35,002 They sound like weirdos. No sale. 479 00:17:35,103 --> 00:17:37,037 Phil, I'm talking about us. 480 00:17:37,138 --> 00:17:38,272 We should keep the RV. 481 00:17:38,373 --> 00:17:40,073 That is amazing. 482 00:17:40,174 --> 00:17:42,242 What changed your mind? 483 00:17:42,343 --> 00:17:45,812 I think it was hearing all those stories tonight. 484 00:17:45,914 --> 00:17:47,147 And the kids'll be gone soon. 485 00:17:47,248 --> 00:17:49,449 We'll probably spend a lot of time on the road. 486 00:17:49,550 --> 00:17:52,319 Might as well do it in the height of luxury... 487 00:17:52,420 --> 00:17:55,822 with a carpeted bathroom and a four-in-one game table. 488 00:17:55,924 --> 00:17:57,457 - You're incredible. - Mm. 489 00:17:57,558 --> 00:17:59,459 What did I do to deserve a wife cool enough 490 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,529 to let me keep my dad's RV and his newborn parrot? 491 00:18:03,007 --> 00:18:06,033 - His newborn what? - Mmmmmwah. 492 00:18:06,134 --> 00:18:07,968 - Honey, parrots live like 70 to 8... - Mmmmmm. 493 00:18:14,175 --> 00:18:16,243 That was not the call I was expecting. 494 00:18:16,344 --> 00:18:18,312 Sweetie, I know. 495 00:18:18,413 --> 00:18:20,914 I-I saw the other coach celebrating on Instagram, 496 00:18:21,015 --> 00:18:23,350 uh, drenching himself in Gatorade... in the house. 497 00:18:23,451 --> 00:18:25,319 There was a rug. Who's gonna clean that up? 498 00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:26,987 Not him, I bet. 499 00:18:27,088 --> 00:18:29,323 I'm reading from your face that you didn't know until I just told you. 500 00:18:29,424 --> 00:18:30,624 Now I'm just talking out of nerves. 501 00:18:30,725 --> 00:18:31,959 Damn it! I... 502 00:18:32,491 --> 00:18:34,127 I didn't get it?! 503 00:18:34,228 --> 00:18:37,497 I mean, I know I'm hard to read, but I really wanted that job. 504 00:18:37,598 --> 00:18:40,067 I'm so sorry. C-Come here. 505 00:18:40,168 --> 00:18:41,868 Wait, is that why you were selling California 506 00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:43,403 all night long to me? 507 00:18:43,504 --> 00:18:45,072 Because you wanted to soften the blow when I heard? 508 00:18:45,173 --> 00:18:47,975 - Yeah. - Well, that is weirdly sweet. 509 00:18:48,076 --> 00:18:49,876 - I'll be there in a second. - Okay. 510 00:18:49,978 --> 00:18:53,580 - Um... - Just wanted to let you know the donkey story killed. 511 00:18:53,681 --> 00:18:55,315 - Ha ha! - It totally broke the ice. 512 00:18:55,416 --> 00:18:56,783 We've been having so much fun! 513 00:18:56,884 --> 00:18:58,018 Oh, honey! I'm so happy! 514 00:18:58,119 --> 00:18:59,353 Thanks. Me, too. 515 00:18:59,454 --> 00:19:01,288 He asked if I could go outside and get ice cream. 516 00:19:01,389 --> 00:19:03,357 - Can I? - O-Of course, yes. 517 00:19:03,458 --> 00:19:06,093 But just make good choices about the toppings. 518 00:19:06,094 --> 00:19:07,928 Don't get sprinkles. They're just wax. 519 00:19:09,998 --> 00:19:12,866 Well, now, there's a small victory at least, right? 520 00:19:12,967 --> 00:19:15,803 First date was a success, and we get an assist. 521 00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,404 S... Uh, sorry... football term. 522 00:19:17,505 --> 00:19:18,906 Eh, except it isn't. 523 00:19:19,007 --> 00:19:20,641 Uh, by the way, what was that phone call you got? 524 00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:23,510 Oh. Uh crazy. 525 00:19:23,611 --> 00:19:24,912 Our adoption agency. 526 00:19:25,013 --> 00:19:26,246 From years ago? 527 00:19:26,347 --> 00:19:30,017 Y-Yeah, apparently, uh, they were migrating the database, 528 00:19:30,118 --> 00:19:33,554 and somehow, our profile got accidentally reactivated and... 529 00:19:33,655 --> 00:19:34,855 and somebody picked us. 530 00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:36,423 Wait, picked us? 531 00:19:36,524 --> 00:19:38,659 A-As in there... there's a baby? 532 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:39,993 I know. Wild, right? 533 00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:41,995 W-Well, you... you told them no? 534 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:44,198 Well, it felt wrong until I talked to you about it, 535 00:19:44,299 --> 00:19:46,400 but, yeah, I-I'll... I will. 536 00:19:46,501 --> 00:19:47,501 I'll tell 'em. 537 00:19:49,237 --> 00:19:51,038 It was really fun telling those stories tonight. 538 00:19:51,139 --> 00:19:52,206 Yeah. 539 00:19:52,207 --> 00:19:54,074 Really puts losing a job in perspective. 540 00:19:54,175 --> 00:19:55,676 You know, none of our best memories 541 00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,112 have anything to do with work. 542 00:19:58,213 --> 00:20:00,180 They all have to do with that little girl right out there. 543 00:20:00,281 --> 00:20:02,282 Well, you know, she's not so little anymore. 544 00:20:03,818 --> 00:20:06,086 Oh. Oh, I think we're about to have a hand-holding moment. 545 00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,693 You know, we got pretty good at this parenting thing, 546 00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:13,827 didn't we? 547 00:20:16,642 --> 00:20:20,167 Um... so, uh, we... we have to tell the agency tonight? 548 00:20:22,303 --> 00:20:26,473 Well, technically, we have 24 hours to, uh... decide. 549 00:20:26,574 --> 00:20:27,608 Okay. 550 00:20:36,671 --> 00:20:39,011 Jay. I'm sorry. 551 00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:41,180 I will never drug you again. 552 00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:43,716 But it was so nice to see you so open and honest. 553 00:20:43,817 --> 00:20:46,200 Yeah, I was a regular "Honest Abe." 554 00:20:46,235 --> 00:20:47,252 Who's that? 555 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:51,123 It's probably good to be emotional every now and then. 556 00:20:51,224 --> 00:20:54,893 I should probably practice letting it out without a pill. 557 00:20:54,995 --> 00:20:57,162 Hey, I was proud of you in that show you did. 558 00:20:57,264 --> 00:20:58,464 I love you! 559 00:20:58,565 --> 00:21:01,391 I know. We had this conversation four times last night. 560 00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:02,101 Really? 561 00:21:02,102 --> 00:21:05,604 Um, maybe you should check your call history. 562 00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:08,641 Oh, no. 563 00:21:09,743 --> 00:21:11,510 You inspire me. 564 00:21:11,611 --> 00:21:13,145 And I think I'm rude to you sometimes 565 00:21:13,246 --> 00:21:15,047 because I'm scared of that, Phil. 566 00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:16,882 This is a long way of saying 567 00:21:16,983 --> 00:21:20,252 I think I finally have a best friend. 568 00:21:20,353 --> 00:21:21,954 You inspire me. 569 00:21:22,055 --> 00:21:23,322 And I think I'm rude to you somet... 570 00:21:26,226 --> 00:21:28,301 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com