1 00:00:00,615 --> 00:00:02,883 Question. I need to hire an assistant. 2 00:00:02,935 --> 00:00:04,067 Do you think it would be unethical 3 00:00:04,169 --> 00:00:05,602 to hire the second most qualified candidate? 4 00:00:05,671 --> 00:00:06,970 What's wrong with the most qualified? 5 00:00:07,072 --> 00:00:08,105 Well... 6 00:00:08,423 --> 00:00:10,357 And after graduating Stanford engineering, 7 00:00:10,459 --> 00:00:12,092 I was offered a Rhodes Scholarship. 8 00:00:13,487 --> 00:00:14,527 Do you have any questions for me? 9 00:00:15,931 --> 00:00:17,931 I definitely have to carve out some extra time for giggling. 10 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,332 You can't discriminate against the poor guy 11 00:00:19,401 --> 00:00:21,034 just because he's a smoke show. 12 00:00:21,052 --> 00:00:23,386 I've been battling hot-shaming my entire life. 13 00:00:23,455 --> 00:00:24,654 Please don't say "hot lives matter." 14 00:00:25,924 --> 00:00:27,423 Hey, Grandpa. What's up? 15 00:00:27,442 --> 00:00:29,108 Returning this to your mom. 16 00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:30,276 Who's the beefcake? 17 00:00:30,345 --> 00:00:31,363 Oh... 18 00:00:31,446 --> 00:00:32,778 I need to hire an assistant, 19 00:00:32,847 --> 00:00:34,747 and this gentleman is currently the frontrunner. 20 00:00:34,816 --> 00:00:36,015 Does he get a normal paycheck, 21 00:00:36,084 --> 00:00:38,084 or are you just gonna stuff ones down his G-string? 22 00:00:38,152 --> 00:00:40,052 I do have some trepidation about the optics. 23 00:00:40,121 --> 00:00:42,688 Well, you should. These are sensitive times. 24 00:00:42,756 --> 00:00:44,089 Perception is everything. 25 00:00:44,158 --> 00:00:46,358 I didn't care about any of that crap. 26 00:00:46,427 --> 00:00:48,694 I don't have enough work for my assistant, Margaret. 27 00:00:48,796 --> 00:00:50,195 Been with me 40 years. 28 00:00:50,264 --> 00:00:51,730 I can't just put her out to pasture 29 00:00:51,832 --> 00:00:53,432 like some worn-out plow horse. 30 00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:56,235 The old broad deserves a little respect. 31 00:00:56,303 --> 00:00:57,769 No offense, Grandpa, but I need someone 32 00:00:57,872 --> 00:00:59,604 who can hit the ground running. 33 00:00:59,673 --> 00:01:01,473 Margaret's more someone who would hit a pedestrian 34 00:01:01,575 --> 00:01:02,580 and not even realize it. 35 00:01:02,609 --> 00:01:04,242 Just because she's no Christie Brinkley, 36 00:01:04,344 --> 00:01:05,877 who, by the way, is a year older than Margaret, 37 00:01:05,946 --> 00:01:07,679 doesn't mean we throw her on the scrap heap. 38 00:01:07,781 --> 00:01:09,347 Well, she'd have to start tomorrow. 39 00:01:09,449 --> 00:01:10,982 Is she okay working on a Saturday? 40 00:01:11,051 --> 00:01:12,083 That's the advantage of hiring somebody 41 00:01:12,152 --> 00:01:13,318 with a few miles on her... 42 00:01:13,386 --> 00:01:15,520 By 6:00 a.m., she will have had two soft-boiled eggs 43 00:01:15,622 --> 00:01:17,088 and be raring to go. 44 00:01:30,303 --> 00:01:31,870 Cam, come on, let's go. 45 00:01:31,972 --> 00:01:34,139 No, hold on just a second. I need to finish this. 46 00:01:34,241 --> 00:01:36,841 Please tell me this isn't another letter-writing campaign. 47 00:01:36,943 --> 00:01:38,243 They're not going to rename our street. 48 00:01:38,345 --> 00:01:39,544 Okay, Mary Kay Place would be 49 00:01:39,646 --> 00:01:41,746 a very fun tribute to an American treasure, 50 00:01:41,848 --> 00:01:43,014 but, no, that's not what this is. 51 00:01:43,116 --> 00:01:44,282 Cam, come on. I want to go. 52 00:01:44,384 --> 00:01:46,217 The store opens in a half-hour, okay? 53 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:48,219 You know I get all my pants for the entire year at this sale, 54 00:01:48,321 --> 00:01:50,688 and 32 is a very, very common pant size. 55 00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:51,789 It'd be great if we could go a day 56 00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:53,991 without you mentioning your 32-inch waist size. 57 00:01:54,093 --> 00:01:55,226 No, this is urgent. 58 00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:58,162 Señor Kaplan cut my "Wind Beneath My Wings" number 59 00:01:58,264 --> 00:02:00,464 at the faculty follies "for time." 60 00:02:00,567 --> 00:02:03,100 So I'm turning him in to the IRS 61 00:02:03,203 --> 00:02:04,502 for deducting his breakfast burritos. 62 00:02:04,604 --> 00:02:06,637 You're wasting your life with these rivalries. 63 00:02:06,739 --> 00:02:09,240 There is a guy at work who always eats my peanut butter, 64 00:02:09,342 --> 00:02:11,609 but I just let it go because life's too short 65 00:02:11,711 --> 00:02:13,411 and so is he, and maybe the peanut butter 66 00:02:13,513 --> 00:02:15,546 is just his creamy substitute for human affection. 67 00:02:15,648 --> 00:02:17,448 Okay? Can we go? Could we please go? 68 00:02:17,550 --> 00:02:18,783 - Yes. - Thank you. 69 00:02:19,387 --> 00:02:20,651 - Oh! Ah! - Oh, my gosh. 70 00:02:20,753 --> 00:02:22,534 I'm s... Uh... C-Can we help you? 71 00:02:22,589 --> 00:02:24,155 Name's Murray Clark. 72 00:02:24,257 --> 00:02:25,756 I grew up in this house. 73 00:02:25,858 --> 00:02:27,725 - Oh! Hi! - Oh! 74 00:02:27,827 --> 00:02:29,904 Well, my name is Cameron. This is my husband, Mitchell. 75 00:02:29,930 --> 00:02:31,587 Well, that's funny. 76 00:02:31,831 --> 00:02:33,064 Okay. 77 00:02:33,132 --> 00:02:35,666 Uh, so, we were just about to leave. See, I get all my pants... 78 00:02:35,735 --> 00:02:38,569 I haven't seen this house since I went off to war. 79 00:02:38,671 --> 00:02:40,404 Oh, and you'd like to come in 80 00:02:40,473 --> 00:02:41,739 and take a look around a little bit? 81 00:02:41,841 --> 00:02:43,574 No, nothing like that. 82 00:02:43,643 --> 00:02:45,676 I just came here to die. 83 00:02:45,745 --> 00:02:48,246 - Uh, excuse me? - I'm sorry? 84 00:02:48,314 --> 00:02:51,882 Oh, it's nothing sad. I'll just be a minute. 85 00:02:55,313 --> 00:02:58,233 Actually, could I get a juice first? 86 00:02:58,268 --> 00:02:58,723 Oh, of course. 87 00:02:58,791 --> 00:03:00,625 - Why not? - Sure, yeah. 88 00:03:02,928 --> 00:03:04,862 - What are you doing? - Being a gracious host. 89 00:03:04,964 --> 00:03:06,563 To a stranger who wants to die here? 90 00:03:06,665 --> 00:03:08,131 Oh, come on, Mitchell, nothing's going to happen. 91 00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:09,633 It's just a cry for help. 92 00:03:09,735 --> 00:03:12,002 Okay, if I can't get a pair of slim-cut chinos in French Blue, 93 00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:13,303 you're gonna die here. 94 00:03:13,405 --> 00:03:15,772 - Marvin? Milton? - No, it's Murray. 95 00:03:15,875 --> 00:03:18,242 - Murray? Murray! - Murray! 96 00:03:18,344 --> 00:03:19,643 Oh, my God. Did he actually die? 97 00:03:19,745 --> 00:03:21,178 Calm down! I'm... I'm first aid certified! 98 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,280 Murray? Murray!! 99 00:03:23,349 --> 00:03:25,415 Who taught you first aid, a nanny on death row? 100 00:03:25,517 --> 00:03:27,202 - Wake up! - Damn it! 101 00:03:27,237 --> 00:03:29,552 - Oh! - I flew coach all the way from Florida 102 00:03:29,604 --> 00:03:32,005 to die in this house, and you ruined it! 103 00:03:32,107 --> 00:03:33,406 Oh, my God. That's insane. 104 00:03:33,475 --> 00:03:35,575 You knew you were going to die and you flew coach? 105 00:03:36,568 --> 00:03:37,610 What are you doing? 106 00:03:37,612 --> 00:03:39,846 Oh, I'm trying to spruce up my résumé. 107 00:03:39,948 --> 00:03:41,348 This job hunt is killing me. 108 00:03:41,450 --> 00:03:43,350 I'm sorry, Mom, but if those companies 109 00:03:43,452 --> 00:03:44,718 aren't smart enough to hire you, 110 00:03:44,820 --> 00:03:46,252 you don't want to work with them anyway. 111 00:03:46,355 --> 00:03:48,088 That's what I used to tell Alex about boys. 112 00:03:48,190 --> 00:03:49,489 Just don't jump at the first offer. 113 00:03:49,591 --> 00:03:51,391 That's what I used to tell you about boys. 114 00:03:51,742 --> 00:03:54,260 He's here! He's here!! 115 00:03:54,363 --> 00:03:56,162 Today, our old neighbor-turned-tech-titan, 116 00:03:56,264 --> 00:03:57,530 Kenneth, is coming to visit. 117 00:03:57,632 --> 00:03:59,699 And he says he has a "big surprise" for me. 118 00:03:59,801 --> 00:04:02,469 I don't know if the super rich have access to time travel, 119 00:04:02,571 --> 00:04:04,371 but if they do, I'm going back to the '90s. 120 00:04:04,473 --> 00:04:06,506 Ooh, to buy a whole bunch of Amazon stock? 121 00:04:06,608 --> 00:04:08,775 No! 122 00:04:08,877 --> 00:04:11,778 I'm going to tell Felicity not to cut her hair. 123 00:04:12,816 --> 00:04:14,414 Yeah! 124 00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:17,951 Hi. 125 00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:18,962 Okay. 126 00:04:19,287 --> 00:04:22,155 - Haley, get in here! - Nah, I'm good. 127 00:04:22,257 --> 00:04:24,157 We're not letting go of each other until you get in here. 128 00:04:24,259 --> 00:04:25,325 Haley, get in the hug! 129 00:04:25,427 --> 00:04:28,862 - Oh! - Oh, this feels so good! 130 00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,030 Sure, but who needs hugs when you can... 131 00:04:31,133 --> 00:04:32,866 - man-shake! - Man-shake! 132 00:04:32,968 --> 00:04:34,701 Uh-oh. You're gonna want to give them some space for this. 133 00:04:34,803 --> 00:04:36,269 - Mm, mm, mm. - Mm, mm, mm. 134 00:04:36,371 --> 00:04:37,437 - Pew! - Pew! 135 00:04:40,041 --> 00:04:41,474 Ooh, what are the cameras for? 136 00:04:41,576 --> 00:04:43,076 Huh? Oh! 137 00:04:43,178 --> 00:04:45,712 This is for a documentary about tech visionaries 138 00:04:45,814 --> 00:04:48,181 going back to thank the people who inspired them. 139 00:04:48,283 --> 00:04:50,850 Elon Musk got his math teacher an island. 140 00:04:50,952 --> 00:04:52,018 What am I getting? 141 00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:53,353 Assuming it's... me. 142 00:04:53,455 --> 00:04:55,622 - Well, are the cameras rolling? - Yes. 143 00:04:55,724 --> 00:04:57,457 What is the one thing 144 00:04:57,559 --> 00:04:59,325 that we've always dreamed of doing together? 145 00:04:59,428 --> 00:05:00,994 Going to college in New York with Felicity? 146 00:05:01,096 --> 00:05:02,295 No. 147 00:05:02,397 --> 00:05:04,164 This man right here, 148 00:05:04,266 --> 00:05:06,866 he taught me to always dream big 149 00:05:06,968 --> 00:05:08,802 and reach for the stars. 150 00:05:08,904 --> 00:05:11,337 And as a thank-you, Phil, 151 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,507 would you make me the happiest man on Earth 152 00:05:14,609 --> 00:05:17,143 and leave Earth with me? 153 00:05:17,245 --> 00:05:18,912 W-W-What?! 154 00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:23,483 I just got us two tickets on the next Russian flight 155 00:05:23,585 --> 00:05:27,086 to the International Space Station! 156 00:05:27,189 --> 00:05:29,055 This is the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me! 157 00:05:29,157 --> 00:05:30,757 Except of... of course, 158 00:05:32,461 --> 00:05:35,462 ...winning two non-consecutive Realtor of the Year Awards. 159 00:05:35,564 --> 00:05:37,397 I'm... I'm going to cry. 160 00:05:37,499 --> 00:05:39,466 Uh, don't cry yet. I'm so sorry. We had a sound issue. 161 00:05:39,568 --> 00:05:40,600 Can we do all that again? 162 00:05:40,702 --> 00:05:43,136 Yeah! Should we take it back to the hug? 163 00:05:46,739 --> 00:05:48,975 So, tickets for my show today are at will call. 164 00:05:49,077 --> 00:05:51,010 And good news... I was able to get you comps. 165 00:05:51,660 --> 00:05:52,845 I'm sure it'll cost me in other ways. 166 00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:55,314 It's from Dad. "I'm almost there." 167 00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:58,551 If "almost there" was a place, Javier would be the mayor. 168 00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:01,354 Please stop taking pot shots at his expense. 169 00:06:01,422 --> 00:06:02,621 Pot shots are the only thing 170 00:06:02,690 --> 00:06:04,623 that we can take at his expense. 171 00:06:05,245 --> 00:06:07,493 I mean it, Mom. You've even poisoned Joe. 172 00:06:07,595 --> 00:06:09,762 You mean with her cooking? 173 00:06:09,831 --> 00:06:11,297 Hey, we're only making fun of Javier! 174 00:06:12,212 --> 00:06:13,432 No, we're not. 175 00:06:13,576 --> 00:06:15,545 - Promise me. - Okay, fine, I promise. 176 00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:17,670 If my good-natured ribbing is making you uncomfortable, 177 00:06:17,739 --> 00:06:19,772 I will refrain. 178 00:06:20,663 --> 00:06:21,907 I've got her on Word a Day cards. 179 00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:23,509 We'll see how long it holds. 180 00:06:25,529 --> 00:06:26,828 Hola, Gloria. 181 00:06:26,897 --> 00:06:28,597 Oh, Javier, h... Eeeee. 182 00:06:28,699 --> 00:06:29,998 Nice teeth. 183 00:06:30,067 --> 00:06:33,068 Did you get them at the dentist or at the piano store? 184 00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:35,403 I haven't seen anything so white and square 185 00:06:35,506 --> 00:06:37,572 since the Mormons knocked on my door. 186 00:06:37,674 --> 00:06:40,175 And those were just off the top of my head, 187 00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:42,077 but I promised Manny, so... Pbht! 188 00:06:42,179 --> 00:06:43,745 Nice to see you. Come in. 189 00:06:43,847 --> 00:06:46,348 - Hey, Dad! - There's my boy! 190 00:06:47,985 --> 00:06:49,284 Whee! 191 00:06:49,386 --> 00:06:53,221 Someone has been wearing my custom-made cologne... 192 00:06:53,323 --> 00:06:54,623 Javier! 193 00:06:54,725 --> 00:06:57,392 For the man who wants to smell a little bit like a woman. 194 00:06:57,494 --> 00:06:58,627 Thanks for coming to my show, Dad. 195 00:06:58,729 --> 00:06:59,961 Of course. I wouldn't miss it. 196 00:07:00,063 --> 00:07:02,664 But, hey, that is not the only reason I am in town. 197 00:07:02,766 --> 00:07:05,066 I, um... I have a proposition... 198 00:07:05,169 --> 00:07:07,936 something for you to chew on. 199 00:07:08,038 --> 00:07:09,571 Couldn't you chew on it for us 200 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,007 with your giant, new beaver mouth? 201 00:07:12,746 --> 00:07:14,509 I don't know why I made that stupid promise. 202 00:07:14,578 --> 00:07:15,911 I am on fire! 203 00:07:15,979 --> 00:07:19,581 I was in a high-stakes poker game with a King-high Flush. 204 00:07:19,683 --> 00:07:20,816 So I bet my house. 205 00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:21,983 No, no, no, no, no. 206 00:07:22,052 --> 00:07:23,418 You're not living in Manny's room. 207 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:27,088 I won a year-long cruise around the world. 208 00:07:27,191 --> 00:07:29,891 I want you to set sail with me for the entire voyage! 209 00:07:29,993 --> 00:07:31,793 - What?! - Absolutely not. 210 00:07:31,895 --> 00:07:33,395 I should ask my gal at Nordstrom 211 00:07:33,497 --> 00:07:34,863 to pull some cruise looks for me. 212 00:07:34,965 --> 00:07:36,798 Look at him, he's chomping at the bit. 213 00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:38,567 Stop setting me up! 214 00:07:40,550 --> 00:07:43,753 Here you go. A cup of joe, the old-fashioned way. 215 00:07:43,821 --> 00:07:45,488 - Oh, thanks, Margaret. - Mm-hmm. 216 00:07:47,037 --> 00:07:50,359 Mnh! Oh, God. I-Is there bourbon in this? 217 00:07:50,411 --> 00:07:51,710 When you asked for coffee, 218 00:07:51,812 --> 00:07:54,079 didn't you give me a "wink-wink"? 219 00:07:54,181 --> 00:07:55,981 No. It's the morning. 220 00:07:56,050 --> 00:07:58,050 Well, that's why there's coffee in it. 221 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,620 Could you just make me a lunch reservation, please? 222 00:08:01,672 --> 00:08:04,172 Oh. No problem. 223 00:08:04,274 --> 00:08:05,440 What's that thing? 224 00:08:05,509 --> 00:08:07,776 Oh, these are all the great restaurants 225 00:08:07,845 --> 00:08:09,277 that Jay used to go to. 226 00:08:09,379 --> 00:08:12,347 Oh. Do you like Steak Diane? 227 00:08:13,383 --> 00:08:16,818 It took her 12 tries to find a place that had a salad. 228 00:08:17,821 --> 00:08:19,988 Uh, w-what are you doing? 229 00:08:20,090 --> 00:08:21,923 Oh, I was just getting the couch ready 230 00:08:21,992 --> 00:08:23,658 for your afternoon "meeting." 231 00:08:23,727 --> 00:08:26,027 Why are you saying "meeting" like it's not really a meeting? 232 00:08:27,122 --> 00:08:28,012 Just so you know, 233 00:08:28,047 --> 00:08:30,764 when I say something, that's exactly what I mean. 234 00:08:30,817 --> 00:08:32,483 Also, when you called me from your car, 235 00:08:32,585 --> 00:08:33,884 I couldn't really understand you. 236 00:08:33,986 --> 00:08:35,519 You may want to fix your Bluetooth. 237 00:08:35,621 --> 00:08:37,421 Oh. You noticed? 238 00:08:37,523 --> 00:08:40,024 The nerve died a few years ago. 239 00:08:40,092 --> 00:08:42,960 But if it bothers you, I'll have it yanked. 240 00:08:44,096 --> 00:08:46,764 So, Manny, what is your show about? 241 00:08:46,833 --> 00:08:49,300 Will there be pirates and tasteful nudity? 242 00:08:49,368 --> 00:08:50,901 It'll be different from my last one. 243 00:08:51,270 --> 00:08:52,603 This is a one-man play 244 00:08:52,705 --> 00:08:54,771 in which I portray four characters in a café 245 00:08:54,874 --> 00:08:56,239 from different walks of life. 246 00:08:56,258 --> 00:08:57,290 When the Internet goes out, 247 00:08:57,359 --> 00:08:59,092 they're forced to talk to each other. 248 00:08:59,194 --> 00:09:02,629 I call it "Who, What, When, Where, Wi-Fi." 249 00:09:02,731 --> 00:09:03,797 I'd throw in a pirate. 250 00:09:04,454 --> 00:09:05,999 I should go get into characters. 251 00:09:07,853 --> 00:09:09,586 Manny's not going on that trip. 252 00:09:09,688 --> 00:09:12,255 I know what an adventure with you means. 253 00:09:12,357 --> 00:09:14,124 Seedy bars, con men, 254 00:09:14,192 --> 00:09:16,026 souvenir pens that when you flip them, 255 00:09:16,128 --> 00:09:17,761 the lady's clothes come off. 256 00:09:17,829 --> 00:09:19,829 If my son wants to spend some time with me, 257 00:09:19,931 --> 00:09:20,947 he should be able to. 258 00:09:20,966 --> 00:09:22,832 Jay... back me up. 259 00:09:22,934 --> 00:09:24,100 He's not gonna back you up. 260 00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:26,069 Gloria, let Manny go on the trip. He'll be fine. 261 00:09:26,138 --> 00:09:28,371 He's been 40 since he was 10. 262 00:09:28,439 --> 00:09:30,339 And he's been 10 for 40 years. 263 00:09:30,441 --> 00:09:31,541 It's not happening. 264 00:09:31,609 --> 00:09:33,442 Look, I understand your concern, 265 00:09:33,511 --> 00:09:35,811 but I want to bond with Manny before it's too late. 266 00:09:36,915 --> 00:09:39,248 I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. 267 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,867 You probably didn't notice, but I got veneers. 268 00:09:41,969 --> 00:09:43,469 Oh, that's what that is! 269 00:09:44,672 --> 00:09:46,439 Please don't die in our house. 270 00:09:46,541 --> 00:09:47,673 What the hell do you care? 271 00:09:47,742 --> 00:09:49,675 For starters, if we ever want to sell this place, 272 00:09:49,744 --> 00:09:51,276 we'll have to disclose that someone died here. 273 00:09:51,345 --> 00:09:52,778 Why? The last owners didn't. 274 00:09:52,847 --> 00:09:54,813 For the millionth time, I moved that chair. 275 00:09:54,915 --> 00:09:57,583 My wife passed years ago. I don't have any other family. 276 00:09:57,651 --> 00:10:00,252 I just want to close my eyes and drift off. 277 00:10:00,321 --> 00:10:02,787 There are lots of reasons to want to continue to live. 278 00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:04,406 I know you miss your missus, 279 00:10:04,475 --> 00:10:06,007 but living alone is underrated. 280 00:10:06,076 --> 00:10:08,243 For one, you can have whatever you want for dinner. 281 00:10:08,312 --> 00:10:10,679 - Huh. - Two, you can move the couch wherever you'd like. 282 00:10:10,747 --> 00:10:11,947 It's been 10 years. 283 00:10:12,015 --> 00:10:13,381 Where... Where would the couch look better? 284 00:10:13,484 --> 00:10:16,318 I appreciate what you think passes for support. 285 00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:18,253 I'm just not interested. 286 00:10:18,271 --> 00:10:20,138 I think you need a more positive outlook on life. 287 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,240 Our neighbor Herschel, he's about your age. 288 00:10:22,342 --> 00:10:24,075 - Herschel Braverman? - Yeah. 289 00:10:24,144 --> 00:10:26,177 - We grew up together. - We love Herschel! 290 00:10:26,246 --> 00:10:28,513 We... We bring him a corned beef sandwich every time we go to the deli. 291 00:10:28,615 --> 00:10:30,749 Yeah, see? There's something to live for. 292 00:10:30,784 --> 00:10:32,799 - Yeah. - You should go reunite with your old friend. 293 00:10:32,834 --> 00:10:33,951 - Right now. - Okay, you know what? 294 00:10:33,953 --> 00:10:35,720 Don't be rude. We'll walk him over. 295 00:10:35,789 --> 00:10:37,488 He's just in a hurry to get to a pants sale 296 00:10:37,557 --> 00:10:38,756 that started 30 minutes ago. 297 00:10:39,121 --> 00:10:40,680 What are you, a 32? 298 00:10:40,715 --> 00:10:41,726 I am. 299 00:10:42,028 --> 00:10:44,762 All the good stuff's already gone. 300 00:10:46,566 --> 00:10:48,265 If you guys want to keep up with the Russians, 301 00:10:48,334 --> 00:10:50,201 - you're gonna have to train. - Oh. 302 00:10:50,269 --> 00:10:51,402 I'll get the vodka! 303 00:10:53,472 --> 00:10:55,072 If I could build a fembot with lifelike skin, 304 00:10:55,174 --> 00:10:56,407 it would be just like her. 305 00:10:56,509 --> 00:10:58,342 Did you get a weird vibe from Claire? 306 00:10:58,444 --> 00:11:00,611 No, she seemed super positive and supportive. 307 00:11:00,713 --> 00:11:01,979 That's exactly what I mean. 308 00:11:03,816 --> 00:11:06,783 Oh, while I'm here, I'm gonna see if we have any Tang! 309 00:11:06,787 --> 00:11:09,186 I don't want to go to space, Claire! I'm terrified! 310 00:11:09,204 --> 00:11:11,304 What happens if I break something and we can't breathe? 311 00:11:11,407 --> 00:11:13,540 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't breathe right now. 312 00:11:13,609 --> 00:11:16,510 Honey, calm down! The Russians know what they're doing! 313 00:11:16,578 --> 00:11:18,211 I'm going to die up there! 314 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,913 Just tell him you don't want to go. 315 00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:21,982 This is such an amazing gift, it'll crush him. 316 00:11:22,084 --> 00:11:24,117 Plus, I'll look like a coward in that documentary. 317 00:11:24,219 --> 00:11:25,686 You're right, we don't want to see this on film. 318 00:11:25,788 --> 00:11:27,721 I'm taping over it already in my mind. 319 00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:29,756 - You've gotta shut this down. - What?! 320 00:11:29,808 --> 00:11:31,774 Help me, Claire. You're my only hope. 321 00:11:31,877 --> 00:11:33,076 Fine. 322 00:11:33,178 --> 00:11:34,477 But if I do this, you're not allowed 323 00:11:34,579 --> 00:11:35,845 to quote "Star Wars" to me anymore. 324 00:11:35,947 --> 00:11:37,714 - I love you. - I know. 325 00:11:40,519 --> 00:11:42,318 Hey... Kenneth. 326 00:11:42,420 --> 00:11:44,420 I was just talking to Buzz-kill Aldrin over here... 327 00:11:44,523 --> 00:11:45,889 Claire, I-I hope you don't mind terribly, 328 00:11:45,957 --> 00:11:47,624 but I was just taking a peek at your résumé. 329 00:11:47,726 --> 00:11:49,692 It is very impressive. 330 00:11:49,794 --> 00:11:51,026 Have you landed anywhere? 331 00:11:51,129 --> 00:11:52,495 Uh, not yet, no. 332 00:11:52,563 --> 00:11:55,292 - You know, speaking of landings, unfortunately... - Wow, really? 333 00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:58,067 Well, we should talk about a really interesting job opportunity 334 00:11:58,169 --> 00:11:59,468 that just opened up at my company. 335 00:11:59,570 --> 00:12:00,836 I would love that. 336 00:12:00,938 --> 00:12:04,073 I'm looking for a bold candidate who loves to take chances. 337 00:12:04,175 --> 00:12:06,642 No, you are looking at a bold candidate 338 00:12:06,744 --> 00:12:08,310 who loves to take chances. 339 00:12:09,447 --> 00:12:11,480 I know, but, still, um, Claire has... 340 00:12:11,582 --> 00:12:13,415 Claire has some concerns. 341 00:12:14,524 --> 00:12:17,086 If I'm working for you, do I still get hugs? 342 00:12:17,188 --> 00:12:18,454 - No, not in this climate. - Oh. 343 00:12:18,556 --> 00:12:20,790 Best I can offer is a wo-man shake! 344 00:12:20,892 --> 00:12:22,124 Ha! What? 345 00:12:22,226 --> 00:12:23,826 Uh, uh, pew! 346 00:12:23,928 --> 00:12:25,161 - Whoa! - What? 347 00:12:25,263 --> 00:12:26,695 - Wow, you are a quick study. - How am I doing this?! 348 00:12:28,043 --> 00:12:30,547 Remember, shred this, don't fax it. 349 00:12:30,616 --> 00:12:32,883 - Hey, honey. - Hi, Jay. - Grandpa. 350 00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:34,110 Cup of coffee, Margaret? 351 00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:36,507 Grandpa, what are you doing here? 352 00:12:36,542 --> 00:12:39,050 A terrible thing happened today at Manny's one-man show... 353 00:12:39,085 --> 00:12:40,426 He got me a ticket. 354 00:12:40,759 --> 00:12:43,426 No, I just stopped in to see how Margaret's working out. 355 00:12:43,478 --> 00:12:44,483 She's not. 356 00:12:44,512 --> 00:12:45,912 As much as I enjoyed her pairing 357 00:12:45,980 --> 00:12:48,781 the glass of Chablis with my surprise shrimp cocktail, 358 00:12:48,850 --> 00:12:51,083 that's not a skill I need in an assistant. 359 00:12:51,186 --> 00:12:52,418 You have to fire her. 360 00:12:52,487 --> 00:12:54,587 I can't. She worked for me her whole life. 361 00:12:54,655 --> 00:12:57,389 She slept on the sidewalk to get me Nancy Sinatra tickets. 362 00:12:57,458 --> 00:12:58,891 Fine. I'll do it. 363 00:12:58,926 --> 00:13:00,492 Margaret, could you come in here, please? 364 00:13:00,561 --> 00:13:02,528 This is the second thing today I can't watch. 365 00:13:03,097 --> 00:13:05,197 I did everything I could for you. 366 00:13:05,265 --> 00:13:06,364 She's a cold one. 367 00:13:06,433 --> 00:13:08,700 What's going on here? 368 00:13:08,769 --> 00:13:10,102 Am I fired? 369 00:13:10,170 --> 00:13:11,336 I'm afraid so. 370 00:13:11,438 --> 00:13:13,071 Oh, thank God! 371 00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,173 I've been wanting to retire for years now, 372 00:13:15,242 --> 00:13:17,309 but I could never let Jay down. 373 00:13:17,377 --> 00:13:20,545 I just want to sleep, tend my cannabis garden, 374 00:13:20,614 --> 00:13:22,581 and never work again. 375 00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:25,150 Margaret, I want you back at Dog Beds. 376 00:13:25,252 --> 00:13:27,585 Oh, whatever you say, Jay. 377 00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:28,720 See you tomorrow. 378 00:13:28,788 --> 00:13:31,456 No! Grandpa, Margaret wants to retire. 379 00:13:31,558 --> 00:13:34,425 It's not what I want. It's what Jay needs. 380 00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:36,294 Ugh, what is wrong with you two? 381 00:13:36,363 --> 00:13:37,695 You don't need an assistant, 382 00:13:37,764 --> 00:13:38,997 and she doesn't want to work anymore. 383 00:13:39,065 --> 00:13:41,165 Is this true? Do you really want to hang it up? 384 00:13:41,184 --> 00:13:43,784 There are some things I wouldn't mind trying. 385 00:13:43,853 --> 00:13:45,953 Well, then you should do it. I'll manage. 386 00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:47,154 It's going to be weird, though. 387 00:13:47,223 --> 00:13:49,857 I mean, you're the longest relationship I've ever had. 388 00:13:49,925 --> 00:13:52,259 Four husbands, three heart attacks, 389 00:13:52,361 --> 00:13:54,028 countless lovers, 390 00:13:54,096 --> 00:13:57,164 and you stood by me through it all. 391 00:13:57,533 --> 00:13:58,865 I love you, Jay. 392 00:14:00,836 --> 00:14:02,269 I love you, too, Margaret. 393 00:14:03,439 --> 00:14:04,504 It's been a great run. 394 00:14:04,573 --> 00:14:06,073 And we'll always have Mitchell. 395 00:14:06,175 --> 00:14:08,608 - What?! - She's messing with you. 396 00:14:10,543 --> 00:14:12,412 No, our kid moved away a long time ago. 397 00:14:15,918 --> 00:14:17,718 Hey, forget what I told you earlier. 398 00:14:17,786 --> 00:14:19,319 It's okay to hire the hot one. 399 00:14:19,421 --> 00:14:21,088 You may make a friend for life. 400 00:14:24,142 --> 00:14:26,476 Hey, fellas! 401 00:14:26,544 --> 00:14:28,444 - Hey, Herschel! - You bring me a sandwich? 402 00:14:28,513 --> 00:14:30,380 Oh, no, we didn't go to the deli today. 403 00:14:30,448 --> 00:14:32,448 - Eh... - No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! 404 00:14:32,517 --> 00:14:35,218 But how about a trip down memory lane instead? 405 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,420 - Eh... - W-Wait, wait, wait. 406 00:14:37,522 --> 00:14:39,422 Herschel, look, we have your old friend 407 00:14:39,524 --> 00:14:42,058 - Murray Clark! - Clark! 408 00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:43,993 Well, what do you know? 409 00:14:44,062 --> 00:14:45,161 Hello, Hersch. 410 00:14:45,229 --> 00:14:46,729 It's been a lifetime. 411 00:14:47,398 --> 00:14:50,933 Don't give me that, you smug sonuvabitch. 412 00:14:51,001 --> 00:14:52,234 What... W-What's happening? 413 00:14:52,336 --> 00:14:55,704 This bastard told our football coach I was a communist. 414 00:14:55,773 --> 00:14:57,439 Got me kicked off the team. 415 00:14:57,541 --> 00:14:58,674 I could've gone pro! 416 00:14:58,742 --> 00:15:01,910 I only did that 'cause he stole my paper route! 417 00:15:02,012 --> 00:15:04,813 I had to deliver ice to support my family. 418 00:15:04,882 --> 00:15:06,348 Deliver ice? How old are you guys? 419 00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:08,383 - You're a snake! - You're a rat! 420 00:15:08,752 --> 00:15:10,852 He stole my girl when I went to war, 421 00:15:10,921 --> 00:15:12,887 and he stayed home with a fake limp. 422 00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:14,289 You should be grateful! 423 00:15:14,358 --> 00:15:15,824 That woman gave me the clap! 424 00:15:15,892 --> 00:15:17,826 That was a little gift from me! 425 00:15:17,928 --> 00:15:19,027 Eh! 426 00:15:19,096 --> 00:15:20,395 Murray, what the heck was that? 427 00:15:20,497 --> 00:15:21,630 Just the beginning. 428 00:15:21,698 --> 00:15:22,964 The beg... the beginning? 429 00:15:24,334 --> 00:15:27,168 Oh... Murray. Uh, what are you doing, buddy? 430 00:15:27,637 --> 00:15:29,237 Nobody talks to me like that. 431 00:15:31,007 --> 00:15:32,240 Oh. 432 00:15:32,342 --> 00:15:33,342 Fine. 433 00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:34,942 I'm taking it. 434 00:15:35,011 --> 00:15:37,412 And when I get home, I'm going to sign him up 435 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,213 for a bunch of those fringe religions. 436 00:15:39,282 --> 00:15:42,183 Let's see how he likes getting all those singing visitors 437 00:15:42,252 --> 00:15:44,185 and all those free Bibles. 438 00:15:44,253 --> 00:15:46,320 I'm going to ruin the rest of his life. 439 00:15:46,422 --> 00:15:48,389 See, Mitchell, he's making plans for the future. 440 00:15:48,424 --> 00:15:50,691 That's why you have rivals. It's something to live for. 441 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,893 Okay, you're just justifying bad behavior. 442 00:15:52,962 --> 00:15:54,795 Okay, Murray, Mitchell has somebody at work that keeps stealing his peanut butter, 443 00:15:54,864 --> 00:15:56,197 and he won't do anything about it. 444 00:15:56,299 --> 00:15:59,333 You want to stop it? Try mixing in some laxatives. 445 00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:00,835 And then put an "under construction" sign 446 00:16:00,937 --> 00:16:02,303 on the bathroom door. 447 00:16:02,371 --> 00:16:04,338 And if you really want to ruin his day... 448 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,381 Okay, now, hold on, hold on. Let me write these down. 449 00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:08,476 - Alright. - You call his wife... 450 00:16:09,278 --> 00:16:11,745 Hey, the Wi-Fi's out. 451 00:16:14,116 --> 00:16:15,549 Huge bummer, man. 452 00:16:15,617 --> 00:16:18,185 I was just about to finish writing my poem. 453 00:16:19,588 --> 00:16:22,923 You're a writer, too? Well, knock me over with a feather. 454 00:16:22,991 --> 00:16:25,392 Blaine Lemarque, playwright. 455 00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:27,694 Power used to go out all the time in the bayou. 456 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,930 So crazy, I'm writing a movie 457 00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:33,182 set in the bayou called "Swamp Cops." 458 00:16:33,218 --> 00:16:36,686 I'm in film school, but soon, everyone's gonna know my name... 459 00:16:36,755 --> 00:16:38,351 Keith Fank! 460 00:16:38,386 --> 00:16:40,256 I couldn't help overhearing. 461 00:16:40,292 --> 00:16:43,444 I'm Rhonda Jamowitz, gossip columnist for the local rag. 462 00:16:43,479 --> 00:16:45,728 You'll never guess which starlet was in here yesterday 463 00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:48,598 with a new man and a newer nose. 464 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,735 I was hoping that the play was gonna get better. 465 00:16:52,803 --> 00:16:55,404 With maybe a little less Rhonda. 466 00:16:55,506 --> 00:16:57,872 I know I'm going on and on, 467 00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:00,091 but for the first time since Mother passed, 468 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,259 I don't feel alone. 469 00:17:01,361 --> 00:17:02,727 Brilliant. 470 00:17:02,796 --> 00:17:04,663 I don't miss the nudity at all. 471 00:17:04,731 --> 00:17:06,831 We're so worried about staying connected, 472 00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,134 ignoring the walls that are being erected. 473 00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,403 We let the information confound us, 474 00:17:11,471 --> 00:17:14,506 when there's so much love swirling around us, 475 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:16,174 that all we need to do is... 476 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,843 Wi-Fi's back on! 477 00:17:29,989 --> 00:17:32,123 I blame myself. 478 00:17:32,192 --> 00:17:33,524 "You got an A? Have a hat." 479 00:17:33,593 --> 00:17:35,793 "You skinned your knee? Have a hat." 480 00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,162 Sorry for making you guys wait. 481 00:17:38,264 --> 00:17:39,664 It took me a little longer than I thought 482 00:17:39,766 --> 00:17:41,032 to find my way back to Manny. 483 00:17:41,134 --> 00:17:42,400 Bravo, bravo! 484 00:17:42,502 --> 00:17:43,701 Another triumph, eh? 485 00:17:43,803 --> 00:17:44,869 Thanks. 486 00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,937 You know, I really think I have something here. 487 00:17:46,956 --> 00:17:48,355 Maybe instead of going on that cruise, 488 00:17:48,424 --> 00:17:49,623 I should stay home and work on... 489 00:17:49,692 --> 00:17:51,358 You are going on that cruise! 490 00:17:51,961 --> 00:17:53,327 It's gonna be good for you. 491 00:17:53,396 --> 00:17:55,029 It's so important for your father. 492 00:17:55,097 --> 00:17:56,897 He planned a whole adventure! 493 00:17:56,966 --> 00:17:59,132 We'll drink tequila in Honduras. 494 00:17:59,334 --> 00:18:00,867 We'll swim with the dolphins in Bali. 495 00:18:00,936 --> 00:18:03,003 But when we travel through the Panama Canal, 496 00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:04,738 we'll be required to do some light housekeeping. 497 00:18:04,806 --> 00:18:05,839 It's part of the deal. 498 00:18:06,580 --> 00:18:08,508 Okay, then. I'll just go grab my stuff 499 00:18:08,577 --> 00:18:10,577 and take some selfies with my fan. 500 00:18:11,913 --> 00:18:13,480 Gloria, dime... 501 00:18:13,548 --> 00:18:15,749 why are you suddenly so on board with this trip? 502 00:18:15,817 --> 00:18:17,617 I've sheltered him for too long. 503 00:18:17,986 --> 00:18:21,621 He needs something real that he can write about. 504 00:18:21,690 --> 00:18:23,990 Take him to the seediest bars, 505 00:18:24,059 --> 00:18:26,125 introduce him to con men. 506 00:18:26,194 --> 00:18:28,595 Let him taste danger. 507 00:18:28,663 --> 00:18:32,899 But not shrimp, because it makes his eyelid feel funny. 508 00:18:33,901 --> 00:18:35,100 No, señor! 509 00:18:35,169 --> 00:18:37,703 The cycle ends here! 510 00:18:40,612 --> 00:18:42,602 Really? You just sold me out for a job? 511 00:18:42,610 --> 00:18:45,076 Honey, he wants a risk-taker. 512 00:18:45,146 --> 00:18:47,513 How's it going to look if I squash your boys' trip? 513 00:18:47,615 --> 00:18:50,482 Boys' trip?! We're leaving the planet! 514 00:18:50,584 --> 00:18:52,417 You know the scariest part of a roller coaster? 515 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:53,552 It's a month of that! 516 00:18:53,621 --> 00:18:55,287 Dad, you don't want to go to space? 517 00:18:55,389 --> 00:18:57,322 No, I do. I-I just... I worry 518 00:18:57,424 --> 00:18:59,124 that it might be too traumatic for you... 519 00:18:59,193 --> 00:19:00,692 Oh, no, it'll be fun to tell the kids 520 00:19:00,761 --> 00:19:02,127 their Pop-Pop is an astronaut. 521 00:19:02,229 --> 00:19:04,530 Pop-Pop might be the last sound I make. 522 00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:06,164 Claire, if it's not too much trouble, 523 00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:08,834 would you please, um, pick out a family photo for me to clutch 524 00:19:08,903 --> 00:19:10,235 after my tether snaps 525 00:19:10,304 --> 00:19:12,604 and I tumble endlessly through the void? 526 00:19:12,656 --> 00:19:14,823 It is much more likely 527 00:19:14,891 --> 00:19:17,492 that you will just incinerate upon re-entry. 528 00:19:17,561 --> 00:19:18,760 You guys talking about space? 529 00:19:19,197 --> 00:19:21,963 Yeah. Um... look, buddy, 530 00:19:22,065 --> 00:19:24,632 I appreciate all this, but I don't want to go. 531 00:19:25,203 --> 00:19:28,203 - What? - I'm sorry. I'm just so scared. 532 00:19:28,271 --> 00:19:29,337 But y-you're my rock. 533 00:19:29,406 --> 00:19:31,339 I-I can't... I can't do this without you. 534 00:19:31,408 --> 00:19:32,413 I'm your rock? 535 00:19:32,442 --> 00:19:35,310 What did I get us into? 536 00:19:35,412 --> 00:19:37,979 I didn't even want to go. 537 00:19:38,448 --> 00:19:41,082 I just wanted to look cool in front of Bezos 538 00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:44,318 and Elon and Zuck-Zuck. 539 00:19:44,387 --> 00:19:47,121 That's the reason why you're going? 540 00:19:47,123 --> 00:19:49,423 I'm sorry, but launching white dudes into space 541 00:19:49,525 --> 00:19:50,691 hasn't been cool for years. 542 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,092 But the cameras. 543 00:19:52,161 --> 00:19:53,694 How am I going to get out of this? 544 00:19:53,796 --> 00:19:55,362 Well, if you're trying to look cool, 545 00:19:55,431 --> 00:19:56,964 just throw some splashy event 546 00:19:57,066 --> 00:19:58,665 and auction off the space trip to charity. 547 00:19:58,768 --> 00:20:00,367 That could work. 548 00:20:00,436 --> 00:20:02,469 - What kind of charity? - Wolves are hot right now. 549 00:20:02,571 --> 00:20:05,572 I love that. I'm going to save the wolves! 550 00:20:05,674 --> 00:20:07,241 - We're saving them, right? - Yeah. 551 00:20:07,309 --> 00:20:09,943 I like the way you think outside the box. 552 00:20:10,046 --> 00:20:12,446 I may have a really interesting job opportunity for you. 553 00:20:12,548 --> 00:20:14,548 Haley, we could be working together! 554 00:20:14,650 --> 00:20:16,583 No, it's really just the one job. 555 00:20:16,685 --> 00:20:20,087 And, Phil, while it's not a trip to space, 556 00:20:20,189 --> 00:20:23,457 I hope that the Phil Dunphy Center for Wolves 557 00:20:23,559 --> 00:20:26,093 will be a fitting honor for the man who changed my life. 558 00:20:26,195 --> 00:20:29,063 We'll have a big opening ceremony. 559 00:20:29,165 --> 00:20:30,297 You'll meet all the wolves! 560 00:20:30,399 --> 00:20:32,299 Now let's go do this again in front of the cameras! 561 00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,872 I'm terrified of wolves! 562 00:20:40,890 --> 00:20:42,393 Oh, good, you're here. 563 00:20:42,417 --> 00:20:45,351 Manny's about to model his new cruise wear for me. 564 00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:46,552 This should be good. 565 00:20:46,654 --> 00:20:48,587 Jay, don't make him self-conscious. 566 00:20:48,689 --> 00:20:50,155 Promise you're going to be nice. 567 00:20:51,525 --> 00:20:52,892 Very smart. 568 00:20:52,993 --> 00:20:53,993 Thanks, Mom. 569 00:20:53,995 --> 00:20:55,561 Jay, what do you think? 570 00:20:56,631 --> 00:20:58,397 Hey, El Capitán Kangaroo. 571 00:20:58,499 --> 00:21:00,332 What are you, the Untalented Mr. Ripley? 572 00:21:00,434 --> 00:21:02,568 You should be directing traffic in the Bahamas. 573 00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:03,669 Tennille called... 574 00:21:03,671 --> 00:21:05,004 D-Did I do that one yet? 575 00:21:05,106 --> 00:21:06,906 Anyway, she thinks you look like the kid 576 00:21:07,008 --> 00:21:09,608 in an '80s movie we're supposed to hate. 577 00:21:10,758 --> 00:21:11,844 You look amazing. 578 00:21:11,846 --> 00:21:15,481 Amazing-ly like the last Kennedy picked in a touch football game. 579 00:21:15,583 --> 00:21:17,750 These are too good. I gotta tell him. 580 00:21:17,852 --> 00:21:19,919 Manny, put the outfit back on! 581 00:21:25,531 --> 00:21:27,579 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com