1
00:00:02,055 --> 00:00:03,116
Listen up.
2
00:00:03,134 --> 00:00:04,980
Any of youse goes stool-pigeon on me,
3
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,327
you'll find yourself
in a Chicago overcoat.
4
00:00:07,352 --> 00:00:08,919
Honey, you're not gonna talk like that
5
00:00:08,944 --> 00:00:10,375
all the way to the wedding, are you?
6
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,698
Or all the way to that overpass?
7
00:00:11,723 --> 00:00:13,257
Hey, at least you look cute.
8
00:00:13,282 --> 00:00:14,745
Who picked my outfit?
9
00:00:14,770 --> 00:00:16,260
I did.
10
00:00:16,361 --> 00:00:19,596
My dad and Lorraine decided
to have a 1920s-themed wedding.
11
00:00:19,621 --> 00:00:20,931
Such a romantic time.
12
00:00:21,032 --> 00:00:24,234
Yeah, dust bowls, the Klan, Prohibition.
13
00:00:25,794 --> 00:00:28,287
Oh, I'm... I'm sure
they'll have alcohol.
14
00:00:28,668 --> 00:00:29,968
Self-serve?
15
00:00:29,993 --> 00:00:32,895
I guess the grease monkeys
must be out back shooting dice.
16
00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:34,745
Can they come out here and shoot us?
17
00:00:34,770 --> 00:00:36,013
Oh, God, look down.
18
00:00:36,038 --> 00:00:37,105
Haley?
19
00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:38,816
We're going somewhere fancy, okay?
20
00:00:38,841 --> 00:00:40,017
Where, the past?
21
00:00:40,042 --> 00:00:41,061
Hi, Kimmy.
22
00:00:41,086 --> 00:00:42,920
You didn't feel like dressing up, too?
23
00:00:42,945 --> 00:00:44,647
What do you say those
pretty peepers of yours
24
00:00:44,672 --> 00:00:46,866
never saw the famous gangster Phillinger
25
00:00:46,891 --> 00:00:49,722
and his ex-prostitute getaway driver?
26
00:00:49,894 --> 00:00:52,296
I think a, uh... a
sawbuck should do the...
27
00:00:52,397 --> 00:00:54,160
That's too much. I'm
gonna get some change.
28
00:00:54,474 --> 00:00:56,340
Enjoy dress-up day.
29
00:00:57,595 --> 00:00:59,513
Mom, you need to control your man.
30
00:00:59,538 --> 00:01:01,140
I cannot listen to
this character all day.
31
00:01:01,165 --> 00:01:03,883
Guys, you know your dad.
You know your dad's dad.
32
00:01:03,908 --> 00:01:07,644
We are up against
unimaginable forces of goofy.
33
00:01:07,669 --> 00:01:10,738
Just remember he does it out of love.
34
00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:13,332
It's Johnny Law! Let's hot-foot it!
35
00:01:13,363 --> 00:01:14,564
Ohh!
36
00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:16,135
Phil!
37
00:01:25,965 --> 00:01:29,262
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:01:30,566 --> 00:01:32,369
What the hell is all this?
39
00:01:32,394 --> 00:01:33,980
I got a rush order for my sauce,
40
00:01:34,005 --> 00:01:36,049
and the kitchen that I
usually use was booked,
41
00:01:36,074 --> 00:01:37,571
so I have to do everything myself.
42
00:01:37,596 --> 00:01:39,401
You know, I think I
slept funny last night.
43
00:01:39,441 --> 00:01:41,895
No, don't. I know better
than to ask for your help.
44
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,778
Ah, good, 'cause I have a tee time.
45
00:01:44,779 --> 00:01:47,114
On the way, could you take
me to pick up my prom tux?
46
00:01:47,115 --> 00:01:48,448
That sounds like
something you'd love to do.
47
00:01:49,451 --> 00:01:51,389
I so don't want to do that.
48
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,087
I'm turning 70 next year.
49
00:01:54,089 --> 00:01:55,789
I know... I look great.
50
00:01:55,790 --> 00:01:57,724
One of the few perks of getting up there
51
00:01:57,725 --> 00:02:00,093
is the ability to say no without guilt.
52
00:02:00,128 --> 00:02:02,196
"Can I have a ride to the airport?" No.
53
00:02:02,197 --> 00:02:03,764
Do I want to see your niece's recital?
54
00:02:03,765 --> 00:02:04,898
Nuh-unh.
55
00:02:04,899 --> 00:02:06,700
"Want to do a walk-a-thon
to end global..."
56
00:02:06,701 --> 00:02:08,769
I'm gonna stop you right there.
57
00:02:08,770 --> 00:02:11,071
Was anyone in my room last night?
58
00:02:11,072 --> 00:02:12,790
Not after I tucked you in.
59
00:02:12,815 --> 00:02:14,841
Great. I have a monster.
60
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,777
- I'm sure you're mistaken.
- Nope.
61
00:02:16,778 --> 00:02:19,713
And we have to catch him
before I go to bed tonight.
62
00:02:19,714 --> 00:02:22,382
Joe, there's no such thing as monsters.
63
00:02:22,383 --> 00:02:25,631
Calm down. I'm not
gonna ask you to help.
64
00:02:26,412 --> 00:02:28,689
Shaping up like a pretty good year.
65
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:30,584
Cake for breakfast? Now we're talking.
66
00:02:30,609 --> 00:02:31,842
No, don't touch that!
67
00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:34,295
I'm making that for Uncle
Pepper's costume party tonight.
68
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:35,919
The theme is famous movie duos.
69
00:02:35,944 --> 00:02:38,745
Daddy and I are going as
Leo and the "Revenant" bear.
70
00:02:38,770 --> 00:02:39,856
You know what?
71
00:02:39,881 --> 00:02:40,981
Where is Pam?
72
00:02:40,982 --> 00:02:42,716
She said she was gonna
be here two hours ago.
73
00:02:42,717 --> 00:02:44,359
She has no respect
for anyone else's time.
74
00:02:45,431 --> 00:02:48,555
You know, she says she's gonna
pop in for a "short stay."
75
00:02:48,556 --> 00:02:51,591
It's like we're just supposed
to rearrange our lives?
76
00:02:51,592 --> 00:02:52,798
Hmm.
77
00:02:53,561 --> 00:02:55,929
It's taken me a long time,
but I've finally learned
78
00:02:55,930 --> 00:02:58,286
that when it comes to Cam's sister,
79
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,902
anything I say can and
will be used against me.
80
00:03:01,903 --> 00:03:03,646
Do you think maybe we should, you know,
81
00:03:03,671 --> 00:03:05,405
have the bartender cut Pam off?
82
00:03:05,406 --> 00:03:08,041
Oh, God, you know what? She
is getting a little bit messy.
83
00:03:08,042 --> 00:03:09,709
Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of
84
00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:11,250
making a fool out of yourself.
85
00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,165
Go to hell, Mitchell!
86
00:03:13,564 --> 00:03:16,483
You go straight to hell!
87
00:03:16,812 --> 00:03:19,614
Whoo!
88
00:03:20,488 --> 00:03:23,723
Well, her majesty has finally arrived.
89
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:25,592
I can sense how angry you are.
90
00:03:27,494 --> 00:03:29,071
I know. I know. I'm late.
91
00:03:29,096 --> 00:03:31,664
No, there's no late when you're family.
92
00:03:31,665 --> 00:03:33,259
Although Mitchell was just saying...
93
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,548
So what brings you into town?
94
00:03:34,549 --> 00:03:35,876
- Modeling.
- Oh.
95
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,049
I'm sorry. Modeling?
96
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,484
Real-person modeling.
97
00:03:38,485 --> 00:03:41,320
Back home, they put me on a
billboard for the feed store,
98
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:42,542
- and I caught the bug.
- Oh. Wow.
99
00:03:42,567 --> 00:03:44,156
Next stop... Hollywood.
100
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:45,257
- Okay.
- Wow.
101
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:46,592
So how long are you gonna be in town?
102
00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:48,627
Well, who's to say?
103
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:50,333
Well, I was hoping it'd be you.
104
00:03:50,358 --> 00:03:53,210
- You can't put a date on a dream.
- Mnh-mnh.
105
00:03:53,235 --> 00:03:55,778
Speaking of, we need to
take me to an audition,
106
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,661
and I'm a little jittery,
so I was hoping you guys
107
00:03:57,686 --> 00:03:59,772
would want to ride
along for moral support.
108
00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,240
Oh, actually, Mitchell and I have a r...
109
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,109
We have a really busy day.
Isn't that right, Mitchell?
110
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:04,276
Uh, yeah.
111
00:04:04,277 --> 00:04:06,378
Oh, this won't take long. Let's go.
112
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,635
On the ride over, I can
practice my joint-pain grimaces.
113
00:04:09,660 --> 00:04:11,228
- Hmm. Oh.
- Oh!
114
00:04:11,253 --> 00:04:12,885
- Ohh!
- Are you okay?
115
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,191
- I am! I am!
- Oh, yeah, I know.
116
00:04:14,216 --> 00:04:15,329
You're good. You're good.
117
00:04:21,964 --> 00:04:23,417
Ohh!
118
00:04:23,442 --> 00:04:24,763
Again?!
119
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:28,096
Joe hasn't slept in that
chewed-up sweater snagger in years,
120
00:04:28,097 --> 00:04:30,078
but Gloria won't let
me get rid of anything
121
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,638
the kid has ever touched,
so I needed a plan.
122
00:04:32,639 --> 00:04:35,508
Fortunately, when you
say no to everything,
123
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:39,512
it frees up time to
concoct ingenious schemes.
124
00:04:39,962 --> 00:04:42,296
Look, Joe, there's no monsters anywhere.
125
00:04:42,321 --> 00:04:44,383
There's nothing underneath the bed,
126
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:46,835
nothing inside the teepee.
127
00:04:46,860 --> 00:04:47,953
Are you sure?
128
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,556
Yes, monsters need places to hide.
129
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:51,977
They're not like the evil spirits,
130
00:04:52,002 --> 00:04:53,425
which are all around us.
131
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:55,608
- What?
- No, no, nothing, baby.
132
00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:57,730
- Nothing.
- Look, my window's open!
133
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,397
Maybe that's how he got in.
134
00:04:59,422 --> 00:05:00,499
Impossible.
135
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:01,867
If he came across the roof,
136
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:05,485
there'd be broken tiles
or monster prints or...
137
00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:07,306
My monogrammed money clip.
138
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,078
I snuck in through
Joe's window last night
139
00:05:09,103 --> 00:05:10,600
because it was past curfew,
140
00:05:10,625 --> 00:05:12,453
and I must have dropped
my clip on the roof.
141
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,180
I needed to get it before Mom saw.
142
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,826
I can't afford to get grounded.
143
00:05:15,851 --> 00:05:17,540
David Sedaris is coming
to Barnes and Noble
144
00:05:17,565 --> 00:05:18,731
on a school night.
145
00:05:18,906 --> 00:05:22,061
I guess I can go out on the roof
and check for monster slobber.
146
00:05:22,086 --> 00:05:24,000
- Okay.
- No!
147
00:05:24,027 --> 00:05:26,552
If he falls from the roof and dies,
148
00:05:26,577 --> 00:05:28,578
his ghost will haunt you forever.
149
00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:31,625
Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.
150
00:05:31,650 --> 00:05:33,783
Manny, help me out in the garage.
151
00:05:33,784 --> 00:05:35,785
Do I get to say no to
things I don't want to do?
152
00:05:35,786 --> 00:05:37,190
No, at your age, it's unlikable.
153
00:05:37,215 --> 00:05:38,776
At my age, it's delightful.
154
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,590
Can you get those Easter
decorations down for me?
155
00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:41,612
I don't know if you remember,
156
00:05:41,636 --> 00:05:43,403
but my back's been bothering me lately.
157
00:05:43,606 --> 00:05:46,107
Uh, do I need to change my shirt?
158
00:05:46,132 --> 00:05:47,573
It looks cobwebby up there.
159
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,565
No, just give it a tug.
160
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,697
You know, I never realized
how close to the edge
161
00:05:51,745 --> 00:05:55,337
that cinder block is to falling
right on this beautiful crib.
162
00:05:57,562 --> 00:05:58,742
Whoa!
163
00:05:59,137 --> 00:06:00,331
Son of a...!
164
00:06:00,356 --> 00:06:02,596
You got to be kidding me!
165
00:06:02,621 --> 00:06:04,046
Come on!
166
00:06:07,027 --> 00:06:09,252
Quite the shindig, huh?
167
00:06:09,253 --> 00:06:10,541
You mooks cool your heels.
168
00:06:10,573 --> 00:06:12,273
I'll grab some hooch for this parakeet.
169
00:06:12,274 --> 00:06:13,274
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
170
00:06:13,275 --> 00:06:15,743
Phil, why are we the
only ones in costume?
171
00:06:15,768 --> 00:06:17,393
Oh, you're right, doll.
172
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:18,455
Something's screwy.
173
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,352
The invitation clearly said
"gangster attire optional."
174
00:06:21,377 --> 00:06:23,416
- Optional?!
- Ow!
175
00:06:23,441 --> 00:06:25,555
You dumbasses actually did it!
176
00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:27,021
Jerry, get this!
177
00:06:27,022 --> 00:06:28,523
No, Jerry, don't get this.
178
00:06:28,524 --> 00:06:31,025
Uh, everyone, this is
Lorraine's son, Ray.
179
00:06:31,036 --> 00:06:34,171
Mother-daughter... my
favorite search category.
180
00:06:34,196 --> 00:06:36,046
Shouldn't you be partially upright
181
00:06:36,071 --> 00:06:37,799
on a "stages of man" chart somewhere?
182
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:38,944
- What?
- Yeah.
183
00:06:38,969 --> 00:06:41,257
Honey, you need to hear this right now.
184
00:06:41,282 --> 00:06:42,537
Your family's embarrassed.
185
00:06:42,538 --> 00:06:43,805
We're the only ones in costumes.
186
00:06:43,806 --> 00:06:44,972
You do this all the time.
187
00:06:44,974 --> 00:06:46,240
I'm wearing wool underwear.
188
00:06:46,242 --> 00:06:48,343
That's an extra step you chose to take.
189
00:06:48,344 --> 00:06:50,483
I'm sorry. I thought this would be fun.
190
00:06:50,508 --> 00:06:53,581
Yes, but your idea of fun is
often our idea of a horror show.
191
00:06:53,582 --> 00:06:56,044
When you picked me up from
school in that hot-dog car.
192
00:06:56,069 --> 00:06:58,038
Repeatedly screaming, "That's
what I'm talking about!"
193
00:06:58,063 --> 00:06:59,247
at my graduation.
194
00:06:59,272 --> 00:07:01,089
Walking into my science fair on stilts.
195
00:07:01,090 --> 00:07:03,904
Your exhibit was on daddy
longlegs. I had no choice!
196
00:07:03,929 --> 00:07:05,526
Oh, honey, you always have a choice.
197
00:07:05,527 --> 00:07:08,147
You just keep making the wrong ones.
198
00:07:08,764 --> 00:07:10,288
Guys.
199
00:07:10,313 --> 00:07:11,794
Come on, now.
200
00:07:11,819 --> 00:07:14,135
Well, look, it's Pretty Boy Dunphy.
201
00:07:14,136 --> 00:07:15,903
Looking good yourself, Pops.
202
00:07:15,904 --> 00:07:17,505
How, uh... how you doing?
203
00:07:17,506 --> 00:07:19,307
Well, I got my rings, got my vows.
204
00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:21,376
Now all I need is a way to escape.
205
00:07:21,377 --> 00:07:23,470
Please, someone help.
206
00:07:23,495 --> 00:07:24,929
I'm kidding, of course.
207
00:07:24,954 --> 00:07:27,682
Actually, I'm really looking
forward to being married.
208
00:07:27,683 --> 00:07:29,250
Then... then what's
with the getaway bag?
209
00:07:29,251 --> 00:07:30,860
Oh, I got to ask you to help me out
210
00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:33,290
with what I think is
a doozy of a surprise.
211
00:07:33,315 --> 00:07:34,430
Come here.
212
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,424
Get this... mid-ceremony,
you know, when you ask
213
00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:38,361
- if anyone has any objections?
- Yeah?
214
00:07:38,386 --> 00:07:40,080
I'm gonna pull out a Tommy gun
215
00:07:40,105 --> 00:07:42,029
and tell you to skip that part.
216
00:07:42,031 --> 00:07:44,031
Sweet maple syrup. I like it.
217
00:07:44,033 --> 00:07:45,851
I'm just getting warmed
up. I got a script,
218
00:07:45,876 --> 00:07:47,735
prop guns, exploding paint capsules.
219
00:07:47,736 --> 00:07:50,738
I even hired a few of the local
theater people to help out.
220
00:07:50,739 --> 00:07:53,708
And, uh... and Lorraine's
cool with all this?
221
00:07:53,709 --> 00:07:55,977
That's the beauty part. She
doesn't know a thing about it.
222
00:07:55,978 --> 00:07:57,912
80% of comedy is surprise.
223
00:07:57,913 --> 00:08:00,281
The other 20% is wordplay.
224
00:08:02,851 --> 00:08:04,188
Something wrong, son?
225
00:08:04,213 --> 00:08:05,869
I think this might be a terrible idea.
226
00:08:05,894 --> 00:08:06,977
What do you mean?
227
00:08:07,002 --> 00:08:08,955
Lorraine might be one of
those old-fashioned brides
228
00:08:08,980 --> 00:08:11,672
that doesn't want a body
count on her special day.
229
00:08:11,697 --> 00:08:13,768
Dad, you and I like to have fun,
230
00:08:13,793 --> 00:08:15,395
but not everybody's like us.
231
00:08:15,397 --> 00:08:16,877
Some people...
232
00:08:16,902 --> 00:08:19,066
some people think our brand
of humor is embarrassing.
233
00:08:19,068 --> 00:08:21,602
Oh, you're right. Maybe I do overdo it.
234
00:08:21,603 --> 00:08:25,253
I remember your mother was really
ticked off at me at your baptism
235
00:08:25,278 --> 00:08:28,258
when I kept pretending
the holy water was boiling.
236
00:08:28,283 --> 00:08:30,072
Ouch! Ouch!
237
00:08:30,097 --> 00:08:33,043
Okay, we don't have to
do anything crazy today.
238
00:08:33,068 --> 00:08:34,816
- Don't worry about it.
- Thanks, Pops.
239
00:08:34,817 --> 00:08:36,417
But, wait, you're still
gonna do my funeral
240
00:08:36,418 --> 00:08:37,985
the way we talked about, right?
241
00:08:37,986 --> 00:08:39,821
That recording of you
banging on that piece of wood
242
00:08:39,822 --> 00:08:42,105
screaming, "Let me out of here!"
243
00:08:42,130 --> 00:08:44,732
It's a real shame I'm gonna miss that.
244
00:08:48,552 --> 00:08:49,732
What are you doing?
245
00:08:49,769 --> 00:08:51,635
That accident that Manny caused earlier,
246
00:08:51,660 --> 00:08:52,827
gave me quite a start.
247
00:08:52,860 --> 00:08:54,309
So I figured I'd pull everything out
248
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,057
and put it back in a safer fashion.
249
00:08:56,082 --> 00:08:58,199
Gloria, could you plug this in for me?
250
00:08:58,224 --> 00:08:59,824
I want to dust off some of this stuff.
251
00:08:59,849 --> 00:09:01,562
Did you call me outside just for that?
252
00:09:01,587 --> 00:09:03,090
I got a back situation.
253
00:09:03,115 --> 00:09:04,871
Maybe Manny mentioned it.
254
00:09:06,277 --> 00:09:08,676
Oh, no! Wrong cord!
255
00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:10,886
What have you done?
256
00:09:14,644 --> 00:09:17,702
Geez, it seems like Joe's
crib's damaged beyond repair!
257
00:09:17,737 --> 00:09:19,051
No, no, it's fine.
258
00:09:19,076 --> 00:09:21,477
It just Froggered across the street.
259
00:09:21,502 --> 00:09:23,737
Leave it there. The garbage
man is coming tomorrow.
260
00:09:23,762 --> 00:09:25,082
And you're fine with that?
261
00:09:25,107 --> 00:09:27,275
You're attached to everything
related to that kid.
262
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,183
Yeah, but not to that stupid crib.
263
00:09:29,199 --> 00:09:32,074
Do you know how many clothes
I've ruined walking by it...
264
00:09:32,106 --> 00:09:34,199
nice dresses, sweaters,
a pair of high heels?
265
00:09:34,558 --> 00:09:35,875
How do you snag a pair of high heels?
266
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,403
I kicked that stupid thing.
267
00:09:37,428 --> 00:09:38,653
How else?
268
00:09:38,678 --> 00:09:40,338
- Oh!
- Ay!
269
00:09:40,363 --> 00:09:41,824
My trap worked!
270
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:43,739
I caught the monster!
271
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,183
I got you now, monster!
272
00:09:47,208 --> 00:09:49,463
Wait, wait, wait,
stop! It's me... Manny.
273
00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:51,724
Prove it. Do I like vegetables?
274
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,549
Only with ketchup.
275
00:09:53,574 --> 00:09:55,128
Manny, what are you doing here?
276
00:09:55,129 --> 00:09:57,332
Uh, I just needed a place to practice
277
00:09:57,357 --> 00:09:59,621
some new dance moves for the prom.
278
00:09:59,902 --> 00:10:01,918
- Do it.
- What?
279
00:10:01,943 --> 00:10:03,582
Do the dance moves.
280
00:10:05,436 --> 00:10:06,902
Uh...
281
00:10:08,966 --> 00:10:11,102
I have to admit that that is very good.
282
00:10:11,127 --> 00:10:12,779
But I know that you're lying.
283
00:10:13,808 --> 00:10:14,820
Fine.
284
00:10:14,845 --> 00:10:16,482
I was the one in here last night.
285
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,618
I came in through the window
because I broke curfew.
286
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:21,320
I dropped my money clip, and I
was just trying to get it back.
287
00:10:21,322 --> 00:10:23,423
Forget about going to David Sedaris.
288
00:10:24,931 --> 00:10:26,533
I was wrong, Joe.
289
00:10:26,558 --> 00:10:28,759
There is a monster in this room.
290
00:10:30,824 --> 00:10:32,708
The key to real-person modeling
291
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:35,869
is not to attract a lot
of attention to yourself.
292
00:10:36,462 --> 00:10:37,631
This is me...
293
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,006
- thinking about buying a car.
- Uh-huh.
294
00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:41,340
This is me with a toothache, obviously.
295
00:10:41,342 --> 00:10:42,508
Oh, this is me smart.
296
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:44,077
- What was that, Mitchell?
- I didn't say anything.
297
00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:46,079
I thought you said something
about that we had a busy day.
298
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,081
No. No, I'm just happy to be here
299
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:49,432
watching a career get launched.
300
00:10:49,457 --> 00:10:50,487
- Oh.
- Yeah.
301
00:10:50,512 --> 00:10:52,097
Hey, tell me if they call my name.
302
00:10:52,122 --> 00:10:53,454
I'm gonna go pretty down.
303
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,776
- Mm.
- Okay.
304
00:10:54,801 --> 00:10:56,034
Can you believe her?
305
00:10:56,059 --> 00:10:57,956
She just barges into
our life and expects us
306
00:10:57,981 --> 00:11:00,415
to drop everything and
invest in this crazy dream.
307
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,550
Well, she really does look like
someone who just broke her mop.
308
00:11:02,574 --> 00:11:04,150
Okay, what is going on with you?
309
00:11:04,175 --> 00:11:06,185
I'm not doing it anymore, Cam, okay?
310
00:11:06,210 --> 00:11:08,845
Okay, you're too afraid to
confront your big, scary sister,
311
00:11:08,870 --> 00:11:10,213
so you use me to do it.
312
00:11:10,238 --> 00:11:11,538
Well, I'm out, okay?
313
00:11:11,539 --> 00:11:13,487
Until you learn how to
confront her yourself,
314
00:11:13,512 --> 00:11:14,774
you're never gonna get
the respect from her
315
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,315
that you clearly crave.
316
00:11:16,340 --> 00:11:19,642
Okay, you know what? I am not in
the least bit intimidated by her.
317
00:11:19,667 --> 00:11:20,848
"Her" who?
318
00:11:20,849 --> 00:11:22,349
Oh, the lady at the costume store that,
319
00:11:22,350 --> 00:11:23,597
uh, M-Mitchell's pressuring me
320
00:11:23,622 --> 00:11:24,722
to go pick up the costumes right now.
321
00:11:24,747 --> 00:11:26,053
I go... Okay, I'm going, Mitchell.
322
00:11:26,054 --> 00:11:27,521
My gosh. My gosh.
323
00:11:28,607 --> 00:11:29,656
Hey, give me a dollar
324
00:11:29,658 --> 00:11:31,332
- so I can get me some gum.
- Oh.
325
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,885
- Here.
- Thank you.
326
00:11:32,910 --> 00:11:34,978
My God, you're perfect.
327
00:11:35,003 --> 00:11:36,597
It's happening!
328
00:11:36,622 --> 00:11:39,123
You're absolutely unremarkable!
329
00:11:39,148 --> 00:11:40,634
Terry, get out here!
330
00:11:40,635 --> 00:11:43,293
This better not be another false...
331
00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:46,279
I can't not take my eyes off him.
332
00:11:46,304 --> 00:11:48,238
Oh, I'm... I'm not here to audition.
333
00:11:48,263 --> 00:11:49,417
Say that again.
334
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,416
Yes, I've already
forgotten what you said.
335
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:54,754
When they made him, they kept the mold.
336
00:11:58,293 --> 00:12:00,886
Are you looking at me?
Are you looking at me?
337
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:02,254
Please tell me you're
doing a scene from a movie
338
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,386
and not confused about what a mirror is.
339
00:12:04,519 --> 00:12:06,104
Hi, honey. What's that?
340
00:12:06,129 --> 00:12:08,502
A bag of plastic guns.
341
00:12:08,527 --> 00:12:10,862
My dad was planning this
crazy stunt at the wedding
342
00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:12,791
that Lorraine didn't even know about.
343
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,463
There's a whole script
for it and everything.
344
00:12:14,488 --> 00:12:16,776
Don't worry. I talked him out of it.
345
00:12:16,801 --> 00:12:18,335
No more embarrassing the Dunphys today.
346
00:12:18,336 --> 00:12:21,005
I heard what you guys said,
and I'm... I'm truly sorry.
347
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:22,639
Oh, quick.
348
00:12:22,886 --> 00:12:25,576
What nickname did Jennifer
Lopez steal from Jon Lovitz?
349
00:12:25,577 --> 00:12:27,207
J... Never mind.
350
00:12:27,232 --> 00:12:29,113
Hello? Yes, the rings.
351
00:12:29,138 --> 00:12:32,340
Wow. He didn't say "J-Lo."
352
00:12:32,365 --> 00:12:34,269
He also heard that siren and didn't say,
353
00:12:34,294 --> 00:12:35,460
"There's my ride."
354
00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:36,752
Did we break Dad?
355
00:12:36,777 --> 00:12:38,277
And when was the last time you saw him
356
00:12:38,293 --> 00:12:39,420
pick up a can of whipped cream
357
00:12:39,421 --> 00:12:41,827
and not do his "I've got rabies" gag?
358
00:12:41,852 --> 00:12:43,753
Oh, my God. Did we go too far?
359
00:12:43,778 --> 00:12:45,253
Have we knocked the fun out of him?
360
00:12:45,278 --> 00:12:47,155
No, no, no. Stop this thinking.
361
00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:48,547
We are this close to
having a normal dad,
362
00:12:48,572 --> 00:12:50,773
and you are not ruining it.
363
00:12:50,798 --> 00:12:53,586
Hey, guys, can I have
Claire for a second?
364
00:12:53,587 --> 00:12:54,766
Sure.
365
00:12:57,461 --> 00:13:00,029
Ew, they're spending their
wedding night right next door?
366
00:13:00,093 --> 00:13:01,694
Calm down. The loudest noise
367
00:13:01,695 --> 00:13:04,396
you're gonna hear is Grandpa
getting out of a chair.
368
00:13:04,398 --> 00:13:05,698
- You look great.
- Oh.
369
00:13:05,699 --> 00:13:06,832
How are you feeling?
370
00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:08,667
Well, you'd think on my fourth marriage,
371
00:13:08,669 --> 00:13:09,969
I wouldn't be this nervous.
372
00:13:09,970 --> 00:13:11,837
Ah, I guess it never gets easier.
373
00:13:11,838 --> 00:13:14,737
I remember my wedding. My stomach
was filled with butterflies.
374
00:13:14,762 --> 00:13:16,871
And Haley.
375
00:13:17,377 --> 00:13:19,178
I've always married such serious men.
376
00:13:19,179 --> 00:13:21,247
Frank is not that at all.
377
00:13:21,248 --> 00:13:24,004
Oh, I know, but if
you can see past that.
378
00:13:24,029 --> 00:13:25,066
Past that?
379
00:13:25,091 --> 00:13:27,697
Yeah, he's got a lot of
wonderful qualities, too.
380
00:13:27,721 --> 00:13:29,628
Oh, sweetie, you're missing it.
381
00:13:29,653 --> 00:13:33,050
All my ex-husbands were
accomplished, serious men,
382
00:13:33,075 --> 00:13:34,393
but bone-dry.
383
00:13:34,394 --> 00:13:37,417
A day hasn't gone by that
Frank hasn't made me laugh.
384
00:13:38,522 --> 00:13:39,932
I hope I keep up.
385
00:13:39,957 --> 00:13:42,124
- Oh.
- But who am I telling?
386
00:13:42,126 --> 00:13:43,593
You got lucky, too.
387
00:13:54,439 --> 00:13:56,408
Sweet victory!
388
00:14:02,345 --> 00:14:03,775
Okay, wait, wait.
389
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,634
- Charge!
- No, no, no!
390
00:14:05,659 --> 00:14:07,464
Not my hair!
391
00:14:07,490 --> 00:14:09,213
Not my hair!
392
00:14:09,238 --> 00:14:10,519
What are you doing? What are you...?
393
00:14:10,521 --> 00:14:12,768
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?
394
00:14:12,792 --> 00:14:15,160
Oh, nothing. We're painting Joe's wall
395
00:14:15,185 --> 00:14:17,920
with monster repellent to protect him.
396
00:14:17,945 --> 00:14:19,549
- Looks like you're having fun, huh?
- Honey, don't worry.
397
00:14:19,574 --> 00:14:21,434
We're not gonna ask you to do anything.
398
00:14:21,459 --> 00:14:22,859
The trick to the corners is if you...
399
00:14:22,860 --> 00:14:24,127
Yeah, yeah, we got it.
400
00:14:24,128 --> 00:14:25,996
Go fix yourself a drink!
401
00:14:27,131 --> 00:14:28,532
"Fix yourself a drink."
402
00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:29,733
Right there, right there, Joe.
403
00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:34,671
The thing about saying no...
404
00:14:34,672 --> 00:14:36,673
you say it too much...
405
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:40,157
people just stop asking.
406
00:14:45,550 --> 00:14:47,050
You stole my dream.
407
00:14:47,051 --> 00:14:49,386
Okay, would you please stop saying that?
408
00:14:49,387 --> 00:14:51,088
If you hadn't distracted those ninnies
409
00:14:51,089 --> 00:14:52,963
with your striking regularness,
410
00:14:52,988 --> 00:14:55,330
they would have put me in
a national TV ad campaign
411
00:14:55,355 --> 00:14:56,827
instead of neither of us!
412
00:14:56,828 --> 00:14:58,362
Why are you flipping out?
413
00:14:58,363 --> 00:15:00,964
I-I am not in competition with you.
414
00:15:00,965 --> 00:15:03,233
Oh, so now you think I'm crazy?!
415
00:15:03,234 --> 00:15:05,794
- N-No.
- Well, maybe I am crazy,
416
00:15:05,819 --> 00:15:07,471
but I have a damn good reason.
417
00:15:07,472 --> 00:15:09,306
Connect the dots, you dummy.
418
00:15:09,307 --> 00:15:10,868
I'm wearing real loose clothes.
419
00:15:10,893 --> 00:15:12,586
I need money real bad.
420
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:15,648
My hair is lustrous like a lion's mane.
421
00:15:15,673 --> 00:15:17,147
Uh, you're in love?
422
00:15:17,148 --> 00:15:19,727
No, the opposite! I'm pregnant!
423
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,335
Okay. Oh, God.
424
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:24,197
The family didn't want me to
get back together with Beau
425
00:15:24,222 --> 00:15:26,823
on account of he's six-parts
Chicopee and married,
426
00:15:26,824 --> 00:15:28,779
but I did it anyway,
and now he's in County
427
00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:30,951
for punching a police horse in the face.
428
00:15:30,976 --> 00:15:32,826
And if they find out,
then they'll just know
429
00:15:32,851 --> 00:15:35,799
that everyone was right about
me being such a screw-up.
430
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,100
Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea.
431
00:15:38,125 --> 00:15:39,874
I mean, how many months along are you?
432
00:15:39,875 --> 00:15:41,536
- Oh, all of them.
- All of them.
433
00:15:41,561 --> 00:15:43,907
Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me.
434
00:15:43,908 --> 00:15:47,374
I can see the judgment all
over that generic face of yours.
435
00:15:48,421 --> 00:15:51,415
This strap is cutting
into me like a piano wire.
436
00:15:51,416 --> 00:15:53,283
Would you mind going through my luggage
437
00:15:53,284 --> 00:15:55,260
and pulling out my after-dinner bra?
438
00:15:55,285 --> 00:15:56,685
If I must.
439
00:15:56,710 --> 00:15:58,232
I'm home!
440
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:00,669
I didn't get picked. Thanks for asking.
441
00:16:00,694 --> 00:16:03,339
Well, I have good news.
442
00:16:03,364 --> 00:16:06,194
Mitchell and I are early contenders
443
00:16:06,219 --> 00:16:08,562
to win the best costume
444
00:16:08,587 --> 00:16:11,686
in the human/animal category.
445
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,616
What are you doing?
446
00:16:13,641 --> 00:16:15,560
Self-comforting with food.
447
00:16:15,585 --> 00:16:17,061
I've been working on that all morning,
448
00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:18,437
and it is for a party tonight.
449
00:16:18,438 --> 00:16:20,382
What are a bunch of
gays gonna do with a cake
450
00:16:20,407 --> 00:16:22,741
but stand around screeching
about how pretty it is?
451
00:16:22,742 --> 00:16:24,142
Okay, that's it.
452
00:16:24,143 --> 00:16:26,255
Pam, you are rude.
453
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,374
You are disrespectful.
454
00:16:27,399 --> 00:16:28,613
And you are going in for another bite?!
455
00:16:28,614 --> 00:16:31,216
Put the fork down! Put it down!
456
00:16:31,217 --> 00:16:33,827
It is high time that
you start thinking...
457
00:16:33,852 --> 00:16:36,224
about somebody other than yourself!
458
00:16:36,249 --> 00:16:38,590
Oh. So that's how you feel?
459
00:16:38,591 --> 00:16:39,925
Yes, it is.
460
00:16:39,926 --> 00:16:42,522
Then I guess it is on!
461
00:16:42,547 --> 00:16:43,546
Don't. No!
462
00:16:43,571 --> 00:16:44,905
- You better run!
- No!
463
00:16:45,335 --> 00:16:47,332
Get off of me! I wasn't ready!
464
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:48,867
Then get ready for this!
465
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:53,585
Hey! Cut it out!
466
00:16:53,610 --> 00:16:54,877
Hey! That hurts!
467
00:16:54,902 --> 00:16:57,022
Good, then it's working!
468
00:16:58,381 --> 00:17:01,213
Oh, cut it out, you faker.
I'm not even touching you.
469
00:17:01,238 --> 00:17:02,972
I assume it's this one.
Oh, what are you doing?
470
00:17:02,997 --> 00:17:04,593
- She's pregnant!
- What?!
471
00:17:04,618 --> 00:17:06,394
Hey! Hey!
472
00:17:06,419 --> 00:17:07,553
- Cut it out!
- Oh! Oh!
473
00:17:07,578 --> 00:17:08,638
- Ow!
- Okay, okay.
474
00:17:08,663 --> 00:17:10,722
Oh, no, I think my water just broke.
475
00:17:10,723 --> 00:17:12,190
Is it on me?!
476
00:17:12,191 --> 00:17:14,716
I'm fixing to reproduce right now!
477
00:17:14,741 --> 00:17:15,903
Call 811.
478
00:17:15,928 --> 00:17:17,162
No, Mitchell, that's for livestock.
479
00:17:17,163 --> 00:17:18,186
Call 911.
480
00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:19,498
Yeah, I-I know. I know.
481
00:17:19,499 --> 00:17:22,334
Pamela, why didn't you tell me?
482
00:17:22,335 --> 00:17:23,702
Well, why do you think?
483
00:17:23,703 --> 00:17:25,537
I didn't want to disappoint you.
484
00:17:25,741 --> 00:17:28,718
You know you're the person
I look up to mo-o-o-o-o-st...
485
00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:30,114
Whoa! Oh, my gosh.
486
00:17:30,139 --> 00:17:31,943
- ... in the family.
- I am?
487
00:17:31,944 --> 00:17:34,304
- Why do you think I came here?
- Oh.
488
00:17:34,329 --> 00:17:37,115
I wanted to be near you
when the baby po... Aah!
489
00:17:37,116 --> 00:17:38,678
Ow!
490
00:17:39,655 --> 00:17:41,820
But I thought maybe
if I got a job first,
491
00:17:41,821 --> 00:17:44,890
I wouldn't look like such
a pathetic me-e-e-e-ss!
492
00:17:44,924 --> 00:17:46,258
Ow!
493
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,861
- What?
- I'm so cold, Cam!
494
00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:51,677
Oh, oh, here, put on
Mitchell's bear costume.
495
00:17:51,702 --> 00:17:53,031
Here you go. Come on.
496
00:17:53,032 --> 00:17:56,401
Okay, so they are gonna
be here in, uh, 10 minutes.
497
00:17:56,402 --> 00:17:57,569
I'll never make it!
498
00:17:57,594 --> 00:17:58,603
- Okay.
- It's a-coming!
499
00:17:58,604 --> 00:18:00,764
Okay! Mitchell! Mitchell, okay.
500
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:01,916
It's all right. We're here for you.
501
00:18:01,941 --> 00:18:03,343
- Help me get her pants off.
- Okay. Yes.
502
00:18:03,368 --> 00:18:05,277
All right, we need to get some
pillows up underneath her hips
503
00:18:05,278 --> 00:18:07,679
to get her birthing
canal properly angled.
504
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:08,757
- Yeah!
- All right, here we go.
505
00:18:08,782 --> 00:18:09,681
Relax.
506
00:18:09,682 --> 00:18:10,764
Mitchell!
507
00:18:10,789 --> 00:18:12,278
I want to make sure that
they don't miss the house,
508
00:18:12,303 --> 00:18:14,593
- so I'm just gonna...
- Breathe, breathe.
509
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:18,208
Frank and Lorraine, today
marks the public and legal
510
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:21,026
joining of your souls,
marriage being above all else,
511
00:18:21,027 --> 00:18:22,380
a contract.
512
00:18:24,087 --> 00:18:26,598
Uh, one of my favorite
authors once wrote,
513
00:18:26,599 --> 00:18:28,733
"If love is not all, then it is nothing.
514
00:18:28,734 --> 00:18:31,171
"This principle, and its opposite,
515
00:18:31,196 --> 00:18:34,532
"collide down all the years
of... of my breathless tale."
516
00:18:35,993 --> 00:18:39,511
Seeing Phil bomb up there,
I felt like a mama bird
517
00:18:39,512 --> 00:18:41,413
who had just nudged her
chick out of the nest
518
00:18:41,414 --> 00:18:43,833
without a single pun to break his fall.
519
00:18:43,858 --> 00:18:47,519
"For man can no more
survive without love
520
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,688
"than a cooper without his billhook,
521
00:18:49,689 --> 00:18:52,460
"nor a whaler less his flensing knife."
522
00:18:52,485 --> 00:18:54,125
Words as true today as they were
523
00:18:54,126 --> 00:18:55,927
when they were written 18,000 years ago.
524
00:18:55,928 --> 00:18:57,132
That can't be right.
525
00:18:57,486 --> 00:19:00,041
Now is the moment when
I ask if anyone here
526
00:19:00,066 --> 00:19:03,568
has reason to object to the
union of these two people.
527
00:19:04,522 --> 00:19:06,171
- Thank you.
- I object!
528
00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:08,054
I object to you not handing over
529
00:19:08,079 --> 00:19:09,627
those diamond rings, Preacher!
530
00:19:09,652 --> 00:19:10,718
You heard her.
531
00:19:10,743 --> 00:19:13,366
Hand over the ice, or I
fill you full of... leed.
532
00:19:13,391 --> 00:19:15,311
- Lead.
- Honey, what are you doing?
533
00:19:15,336 --> 00:19:17,030
Sorry, Padre, you had your chance.
534
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:18,874
I now pronounce you dead!
535
00:19:20,359 --> 00:19:21,726
When in the world did...
536
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:24,028
A lot of questions for a cadaver!
537
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:26,616
Ohh! Ohh!
538
00:19:26,641 --> 00:19:28,599
Don't you see? These
twos is in on it together!
539
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,568
Mind your own potatoes, Daisy.
540
00:19:30,569 --> 00:19:32,577
- Ohh!
- Excuse me.
541
00:19:32,602 --> 00:19:35,449
This is my wedding and your funeral!
542
00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:38,585
- Ohh!
- And one for the choir boy!
543
00:19:38,843 --> 00:19:40,538
Missed me.
544
00:19:44,436 --> 00:19:48,327
Hey, uh, you guys feel like
doing one more paint job?
545
00:19:48,352 --> 00:19:50,720
Only all of us this time?
546
00:19:51,327 --> 00:19:52,790
Sure.
547
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:55,326
Sometimes life can be
simpler than we think.
548
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:56,366
We're born...
549
00:19:56,391 --> 00:19:58,296
You know, um, maybe we
should let Pam and the baby
550
00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:00,460
stay upstairs for a little while.
551
00:20:01,085 --> 00:20:03,630
Mitchell was just saying...
No, he hates when I do that.
552
00:20:03,655 --> 00:20:05,636
I was just saying that
maybe you and the baby
553
00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:07,405
should stay upstairs for a while?
554
00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:09,038
Oh, Cam!
555
00:20:09,063 --> 00:20:10,163
... we die...
556
00:20:10,188 --> 00:20:12,319
You're all mad with the devil's brew!
557
00:20:12,936 --> 00:20:14,885
... and in between...
558
00:20:14,910 --> 00:20:16,725
- Ah!
- ... if we're lucky...
559
00:20:16,921 --> 00:20:18,210
... we laugh...
560
00:20:19,529 --> 00:20:22,171
... which makes the
journey worth taking.
561
00:20:22,296 --> 00:20:23,911
With that in mind...
562
00:20:23,936 --> 00:20:27,608
Do you, Frank Dunphy,
the silliest man I know...
563
00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:31,356
... take Lorraine to be
your long-suffering wife?
564
00:20:31,381 --> 00:20:33,202
- I do.
- Ohh.
565
00:20:33,793 --> 00:20:35,803
You may kiss the tomato.
566
00:20:38,130 --> 00:20:39,413
Yay!
567
00:20:47,278 --> 00:20:50,223
Your bedtime was an hour ago, señor.
568
00:20:50,254 --> 00:20:51,816
I want to finish this.
569
00:20:51,841 --> 00:20:53,809
You don't even know how to read.
570
00:20:53,834 --> 00:20:55,965
Stop worrying. There's
no monsters upstairs.
571
00:20:55,990 --> 00:20:57,493
That paint works.
572
00:20:57,494 --> 00:20:59,295
Mommy, can you check it?
573
00:20:59,296 --> 00:21:00,762
Okay.
574
00:21:02,076 --> 00:21:04,543
Your mother won't even let me
get rid of this sticky, old tarp.
575
00:21:04,568 --> 00:21:06,002
She's attached to everything.
576
00:21:06,027 --> 00:21:08,037
Someday soon, that
will work in your favor.
577
00:21:09,098 --> 00:21:10,573
Hey, careful of that cinder block.
578
00:21:10,574 --> 00:21:12,489
Man, you couldn't budge
that thing with a...
579
00:21:12,514 --> 00:21:13,776
Oh!
580
00:21:13,777 --> 00:21:15,699
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Oh!
581
00:21:21,569 --> 00:21:25,172
Great! Now I have a swamp monster!
582
00:21:25,296 --> 00:21:29,671
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com