1 00:00:04,592 --> 00:00:07,760 As great as it is bringing a baby home from the hospital, 2 00:00:08,150 --> 00:00:11,526 there's one sound you absolutely dread waking up to... 3 00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:16,481 Relatives. 4 00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:23,100 I really never saw this wedding pictures, mama. 5 00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:24,500 How handsome and young papa looks. 6 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:27,862 Ay, it makes me sad. 7 00:00:27,863 --> 00:00:29,656 Ay, I know that you miss him. 8 00:00:29,657 --> 00:00:31,393 No. Look at my ass. 9 00:00:31,394 --> 00:00:33,597 There are two things in that picture I don't have anymore. 10 00:00:35,142 --> 00:00:36,583 Sonia, can I help you? 11 00:00:36,584 --> 00:00:38,710 No, no, she's fine. It keeps her busy. 12 00:00:38,711 --> 00:00:40,851 We need more corn. Gloria, where is your garden? 13 00:00:40,852 --> 00:00:41,909 I will harvest some. 14 00:00:41,910 --> 00:00:43,321 They don't live that way, honey. 15 00:00:43,322 --> 00:00:45,362 Gloria, give me the keys. We'll go to the market. 16 00:00:45,363 --> 00:00:47,177 Hey, you're all awake. I didn't hear you. 17 00:00:47,178 --> 00:00:49,541 Oh, look at my two handsome men. 18 00:00:49,741 --> 00:00:50,941 Mi niño, Fulgencio Umberto. 19 00:00:52,198 --> 00:00:53,614 You know, about the name, we're not entirely sure... 20 00:00:53,814 --> 00:00:56,914 Sonia, vámonos. Good-bye, Fulgencio. 21 00:00:57,094 --> 00:00:58,886 Say good-bye to Fulgencio. 22 00:00:59,106 --> 00:01:00,488 Good-bye, Fulgencio. 23 00:01:00,489 --> 00:01:01,720 His name is Joe. 24 00:01:01,721 --> 00:01:03,885 You tell her that we're not naming him 25 00:01:03,886 --> 00:01:06,834 after her dead husband or his father before him. 26 00:01:06,835 --> 00:01:08,678 - His name was-- - Please don't say it again. 27 00:01:08,679 --> 00:01:11,895 Jay, I cannot go against my mother's will. 28 00:01:12,008 --> 00:01:13,522 But she likes you. 29 00:01:13,523 --> 00:01:15,329 Maybe if you convince her... 30 00:01:15,330 --> 00:01:18,933 Fulgencio Umberto-- the initials are F.U. Pritchett. 31 00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:21,278 Which is exactly the way it feels right now. 32 00:01:30,315 --> 00:01:33,815 Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 33 00:01:33,906 --> 00:01:36,480 Is there some kind of dress code for godparents? 34 00:01:36,481 --> 00:01:37,763 You're not wearing a fedora, Phil. 35 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:38,899 Can you pick up the dry cleaning? 36 00:01:38,900 --> 00:01:41,670 That sounds like an offer I can't refuse. 37 00:01:41,853 --> 00:01:43,525 Yeah, we're not doing that. 38 00:01:43,526 --> 00:01:45,848 So I got delayed picking up Lily from dance class. 39 00:01:45,849 --> 00:01:47,099 Now Gloria's got me running around 40 00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:48,615 doing a thousand things for christening. 41 00:01:48,616 --> 00:01:50,011 Son of a bitch. 42 00:01:50,012 --> 00:01:52,500 It's not that bad, really. I'm just--I'm venting. 43 00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,097 I couldn't believe it. Somebody's balloons 44 00:01:54,098 --> 00:01:55,948 were blocking my billboard. Philboard. 45 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,252 My philboard. 46 00:01:58,445 --> 00:02:00,500 Can we wear the same outfits at Crispin's party 47 00:02:00,501 --> 00:02:02,034 that we're wearing to the baptism? 48 00:02:02,035 --> 00:02:03,129 Oh, you know what? I don't know. 49 00:02:03,130 --> 00:02:04,739 Because you wanna be subdued at church 50 00:02:04,740 --> 00:02:06,090 and then fabulous at night. 51 00:02:06,091 --> 00:02:07,087 You know who would make a fortune? 52 00:02:07,088 --> 00:02:09,751 The designer who comes up with the little black dress for men. 53 00:02:10,284 --> 00:02:11,406 I'm bored. 54 00:02:11,407 --> 00:02:13,122 I know, sweetie, but daddies are talking 55 00:02:13,123 --> 00:02:14,769 about what we're gonna wear tonight, 56 00:02:14,770 --> 00:02:16,406 and that's a difficult conversation. 57 00:02:16,407 --> 00:02:18,615 - Cry me a river. - Lily. 58 00:02:19,043 --> 00:02:20,724 I-I'm not loving this attitude. 59 00:02:20,725 --> 00:02:21,785 You seem a little mean. 60 00:02:21,786 --> 00:02:25,156 Sorry. Should I call you a wah-mbulance? 61 00:02:26,210 --> 00:02:28,692 Oh, my gosh. She has been so snarky lately. 62 00:02:28,693 --> 00:02:30,249 I know. I've actually been getting nervous 63 00:02:30,250 --> 00:02:31,675 when we're making her late for something. 64 00:02:31,676 --> 00:02:33,005 Because of what she said the other day? 65 00:02:33,006 --> 00:02:35,006 - "Today, ladies." - Hurtful. 66 00:02:35,231 --> 00:02:37,447 You know, she hears us doing it, 67 00:02:37,930 --> 00:02:40,394 so we--we should try and be less negative. 68 00:02:40,650 --> 00:02:42,214 Model some better behavior. 69 00:02:42,215 --> 00:02:44,573 Yeah. Well, you know, if it's a model she needs, 70 00:02:44,574 --> 00:02:45,610 she's come to the right place. 71 00:02:45,611 --> 00:02:46,630 Oh, boy. Hmm. 72 00:02:48,278 --> 00:02:49,451 I wish Lily was in here 73 00:02:49,452 --> 00:02:51,629 so she could hear me not comment on that. 74 00:02:51,683 --> 00:02:53,339 I get it. You're modeling. 75 00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:56,241 Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again. 76 00:02:56,993 --> 00:02:58,503 I-I got cut off by your machine. 77 00:02:58,504 --> 00:03:00,384 I'm, uh, not sure where I left off there, 78 00:03:00,385 --> 00:03:01,514 but I'll attempt to be brief, 79 00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:04,371 as I do appreciate when people do the same for me. 80 00:03:04,715 --> 00:03:08,184 Anyhoo, uh, your balloons are co-- Damn it! 81 00:03:08,185 --> 00:03:10,111 Is anyone home? Mom! 82 00:03:10,112 --> 00:03:11,515 I need her first. Mom! 83 00:03:11,516 --> 00:03:13,837 - She's out. - Why is she always gone when we need an adult? 84 00:03:13,838 --> 00:03:15,656 - I can help. - What's with the cage? 85 00:03:15,657 --> 00:03:17,560 - Science project. - Mom, where are you? 86 00:03:17,561 --> 00:03:19,392 - Out. It's just the three of us. - Four. 87 00:03:19,393 --> 00:03:21,031 - I need her. - Rats. 88 00:03:21,032 --> 00:03:22,055 I know, right? 89 00:03:22,056 --> 00:03:24,093 Guys, I'm right here. What do you need? 90 00:03:24,094 --> 00:03:24,608 - No, it's okay. - We're good. 91 00:03:24,609 --> 00:03:26,725 - Okay, never mind. - No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 92 00:03:26,726 --> 00:03:28,611 Family meeting. Everybody grab some 'za. 93 00:03:28,612 --> 00:03:30,076 We're gonna talk about this. 94 00:03:31,799 --> 00:03:34,401 Listen, I know you guys like to go to mom 95 00:03:34,402 --> 00:03:36,553 because she's Mr. tough guy problem-solver. 96 00:03:36,554 --> 00:03:37,488 She gets results. 97 00:03:37,489 --> 00:03:39,784 Yeah, she does. She does. You're right. 98 00:03:40,121 --> 00:03:42,261 Like the last time we got pizza from our favorite place here. 99 00:03:42,262 --> 00:03:43,902 Remember that? We got shortchanged, 100 00:03:43,903 --> 00:03:46,232 she cursed a blue streak and got our money back? 101 00:03:46,669 --> 00:03:48,148 How's that pizza, by the way? 102 00:03:48,151 --> 00:03:49,952 - Pretty good. - It's okay. - Liars! 103 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,314 It's garbage. 104 00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,773 That's not Scardino's, it's Scandoni's. 105 00:03:53,902 --> 00:03:55,025 You know why? 106 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:56,734 'Cause your mom's little blow-up 107 00:03:56,735 --> 00:04:00,799 got us banned from Scardino's for life. 108 00:04:01,108 --> 00:04:03,396 So maybe your mom's way isn't always the best way. 109 00:04:03,629 --> 00:04:05,463 Now why don't you guys tell me what's going on? 110 00:04:05,777 --> 00:04:08,257 I'm having a '60s-themed birthday party next week. 111 00:04:08,258 --> 00:04:10,258 Hippies, bell-bottoms, tie-dye. 112 00:04:10,481 --> 00:04:11,688 Karen Sullivan heard about it, 113 00:04:11,689 --> 00:04:14,633 and decided to have the same party... tonight. 114 00:04:14,968 --> 00:04:16,232 Not groovy. 115 00:04:16,359 --> 00:04:18,424 I accidentally called my teacher "mommy." 116 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:21,312 My "friend" Reuben went around and told everyone. 117 00:04:21,672 --> 00:04:22,855 Oh, hey, Reuben, 118 00:04:22,856 --> 00:04:24,931 do you remember that class field trip to the zoo 119 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:27,652 when the zebra rushed the fence and you peed your pants? 120 00:04:27,714 --> 00:04:30,426 I didn't tell anyone, not even on the bus ride home 121 00:04:30,427 --> 00:04:31,828 when he had to sit next to mom-- 122 00:04:31,829 --> 00:04:33,744 Ms. Bockman! Damn it! 123 00:04:33,745 --> 00:04:34,903 Our neighbor's out of town, 124 00:04:34,904 --> 00:04:37,627 and she's paying me to move her car on street cleaning days. 125 00:04:37,628 --> 00:04:39,293 Now I would just park it in her driveway, 126 00:04:39,294 --> 00:04:41,714 but she already has a camper and a cord of wood there. 127 00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,540 Pretty sure she's a lesbian. 128 00:04:43,541 --> 00:04:45,346 Anyway, easy money, right? 129 00:04:45,833 --> 00:04:47,473 Oh, my God, I can't see anything! 130 00:04:47,474 --> 00:04:48,735 Hard starboard! 131 00:04:48,736 --> 00:04:50,204 What does that even mean?! 132 00:04:50,205 --> 00:04:52,684 - Move your car! - How much longer do I have to block people? 133 00:04:52,685 --> 00:04:54,302 - Come on! - I'm late for the airport. 134 00:04:54,303 --> 00:04:55,975 Dylan, you are being no help right now! 135 00:04:55,976 --> 00:04:58,467 Sorry, but I'm already in trouble with dispatch 136 00:04:58,468 --> 00:05:00,371 for drinking all those little waters. 137 00:05:00,372 --> 00:05:02,219 - Drive! Do it now! - Aah! 138 00:05:04,674 --> 00:05:06,244 How do I tell her I snapped a branch 139 00:05:06,245 --> 00:05:07,798 on her beloved lemon tree? 140 00:05:07,799 --> 00:05:09,073 I mean, she boils the leaves 141 00:05:09,074 --> 00:05:11,570 to add a scent to her own work boot oil. 142 00:05:11,614 --> 00:05:14,089 Did I mention she plays in two softball leagues? 143 00:05:14,090 --> 00:05:14,915 Now what are you guys gonna do? 144 00:05:14,916 --> 00:05:16,154 You gonna have your mom go around 145 00:05:16,155 --> 00:05:19,708 and yell at all these people and burn a bunch of bridges? 146 00:05:19,709 --> 00:05:22,183 Or are you gonna talk to your Reubens, 147 00:05:22,184 --> 00:05:25,505 your Karens, your lemon... lady, 148 00:05:26,068 --> 00:05:27,252 tell 'em how you feel, 149 00:05:27,253 --> 00:05:29,125 appeal to their human side? 150 00:05:30,651 --> 00:05:32,402 The choice is pretty simple, huh? 151 00:05:35,281 --> 00:05:36,241 So she's out all day? 152 00:05:36,242 --> 00:05:37,842 - I'll try her cell. - It's off. 153 00:05:37,843 --> 00:05:39,700 I texted her while dad was talking. 154 00:05:42,070 --> 00:05:43,687 Pilar, I brought you a coffee. 155 00:05:43,688 --> 00:05:46,111 - Oh. - I put a little something extra in it. 156 00:05:46,490 --> 00:05:49,042 Jay, you devil. 157 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:51,160 Hey, by the way, look... 158 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,225 It's beautiful, no? 159 00:05:54,226 --> 00:05:56,933 It's the dressing gown for Fulgencio's christening. 160 00:05:56,934 --> 00:05:58,973 All the men in our family wear this. 161 00:05:58,974 --> 00:06:00,529 What's one more son in a dress? 162 00:06:00,530 --> 00:06:03,714 Oh, tradition. Oh, it's so important. 163 00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:07,654 I have a gift in here for little Fulgencio 164 00:06:07,655 --> 00:06:10,241 that has been in my family for three generations. 165 00:06:10,242 --> 00:06:12,003 You know, about this naming thing-- 166 00:06:12,004 --> 00:06:15,654 In America, it's not real common to hear the name Fuljencio. 167 00:06:15,655 --> 00:06:17,177 It's "Ful-hen-cio." 168 00:06:17,178 --> 00:06:18,523 - Hen? - Hen. 169 00:06:18,524 --> 00:06:21,349 I don't need to practice it 'cause I can't name my son that. 170 00:06:21,563 --> 00:06:23,171 I'm just being honest with you. 171 00:06:23,538 --> 00:06:25,512 No. No, no, no, no, that's good. 172 00:06:25,513 --> 00:06:27,467 That's good. I should be more honest with you sometimes. 173 00:06:27,468 --> 00:06:29,111 Well, we've known each other a few years. 174 00:06:29,112 --> 00:06:30,458 - I don't like you, Jay. - Huh? 175 00:06:30,459 --> 00:06:33,574 Nah. We can act like everything is fine for the family, 176 00:06:33,575 --> 00:06:35,414 but, you know, I have never liked you. 177 00:06:35,415 --> 00:06:38,677 The way you take whatever looks good to you-- 178 00:06:38,678 --> 00:06:42,518 you know, like my daughter or the last piece of meat. 179 00:06:43,224 --> 00:06:45,513 You're always too busy to pick me up at the airport. 180 00:06:45,514 --> 00:06:48,556 You send a total stranger with a cardboard sign. 181 00:06:48,557 --> 00:06:49,827 - Hi, grandma. - Hey. 182 00:06:49,828 --> 00:06:51,419 Hey, buddy. Get over here. 183 00:06:51,739 --> 00:06:53,803 I sure do love the cross you got me. 184 00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,191 But do I have to wear it today? 185 00:06:55,192 --> 00:06:57,167 It's kinda hard to close my shirt over it. 186 00:06:57,168 --> 00:06:58,691 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 187 00:06:58,692 --> 00:07:00,584 You do whatever you want, padrecito. 188 00:07:00,585 --> 00:07:02,433 I know that's the way in this house. 189 00:07:02,484 --> 00:07:05,731 But if you wear it, ooh, you'll make me proud. 190 00:07:05,732 --> 00:07:08,021 It's been in my family for five generations. 191 00:07:08,022 --> 00:07:09,894 - Okay. - I'll walk you out, buddy. 192 00:07:10,771 --> 00:07:12,329 Is anything in her family new? 193 00:07:14,003 --> 00:07:15,275 Just you. 194 00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:26,060 Okay. Excuse me. Sorry. 195 00:07:26,755 --> 00:07:29,346 All right. Here we've got the deli platter, 196 00:07:29,538 --> 00:07:31,018 and there's more in my car. 197 00:07:31,332 --> 00:07:33,022 But those are not from Rumpernook's. 198 00:07:33,023 --> 00:07:34,963 No, because the cheese at Rump... 199 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,519 I don't go there anymore. 200 00:07:36,864 --> 00:07:38,187 I'm going to do the laundry. 201 00:07:38,188 --> 00:07:41,033 Okay, Sonia. I love you so much. 202 00:07:41,034 --> 00:07:43,030 Wow. Pretty cozy with the new housekeeper, huh? 203 00:07:43,031 --> 00:07:44,620 She's my sister. 204 00:07:45,079 --> 00:07:47,167 Wow. Pretty weird with your sister. 205 00:07:47,168 --> 00:07:50,210 She likes to keep busy. But I feel bad for her. 206 00:07:50,211 --> 00:07:52,159 I have so much, and she has nothing. 207 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,174 Okay. Well, people make their own choices. 208 00:07:54,175 --> 00:07:55,372 It's not like you're responsible. 209 00:07:55,373 --> 00:07:56,589 No, no. 210 00:07:57,570 --> 00:07:59,042 Maybe just a little bit. 211 00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:02,625 I was older and I had opportunities to travel, 212 00:08:02,626 --> 00:08:03,769 and I took them. 213 00:08:03,770 --> 00:08:05,922 Well, it didn't prevent her from going anywhere. 214 00:08:05,923 --> 00:08:07,035 No, no. 215 00:08:07,611 --> 00:08:09,083 Maybe just one time. 216 00:08:09,301 --> 00:08:11,390 There was a letter that arrived from America 217 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,362 about a job opportunity. 218 00:08:13,363 --> 00:08:15,410 And it was only for one person, 219 00:08:15,611 --> 00:08:16,622 and I went. 220 00:08:16,623 --> 00:08:19,639 But it's not like the envelope was addressed to her, 221 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,525 and you opened it and... 222 00:08:21,616 --> 00:08:22,402 You're evil. 223 00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:24,795 I had to get out of there, Claire. 224 00:08:24,825 --> 00:08:26,489 You just strapped on those high heels 225 00:08:26,490 --> 00:08:28,734 and walked right over her back, didn't you? 226 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,743 Maybe a little bit. 227 00:08:31,208 --> 00:08:32,511 Where is the river? 228 00:08:34,988 --> 00:08:36,696 Hey, boys! 229 00:08:36,697 --> 00:08:37,717 Crispin. 230 00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,088 Hey, shouldn't you be preparing 231 00:08:39,089 --> 00:08:40,661 for your annual party of the century? 232 00:08:40,662 --> 00:08:41,595 It's done and it's perfect. 233 00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:43,084 In my mind, I'm already into next year's. 234 00:08:43,085 --> 00:08:44,309 Listen, I'm here with Brett. 235 00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:45,508 I don't know if you've seen his new look, 236 00:08:45,509 --> 00:08:47,346 but you are going to have a heart attack and die. 237 00:08:47,347 --> 00:08:48,008 No one's dying. 238 00:08:48,009 --> 00:08:49,692 - It's just an expression. - Yeah. 239 00:08:49,974 --> 00:08:51,700 Hey, handsome. 240 00:08:51,701 --> 00:08:52,926 Yep, I did it. 241 00:08:52,927 --> 00:08:54,537 Pulled the trigger and got a perm. 242 00:08:54,538 --> 00:08:55,829 You sure did. 243 00:08:55,830 --> 00:08:57,867 Did it myself, right in the kitchen. 244 00:08:57,868 --> 00:08:59,353 You don't need to spend a million 245 00:08:59,354 --> 00:09:00,809 to look like a million. 246 00:09:01,025 --> 00:09:03,080 Uh, you know, my coffee's probably ready, so... 247 00:09:04,776 --> 00:09:06,023 Bye. 248 00:09:06,562 --> 00:09:08,265 Okay, that's like a chia pet, right? 249 00:09:08,404 --> 00:09:10,140 Maybe a drag production of "Annie"? 250 00:09:10,314 --> 00:09:11,477 Oh, actually, Lily, 251 00:09:11,478 --> 00:09:13,149 I-I think Uncle Crispin's forgetting 252 00:09:13,150 --> 00:09:14,603 that Brett has feelings, 253 00:09:14,604 --> 00:09:16,084 and we need to try and not hurt them. 254 00:09:16,085 --> 00:09:17,828 Yes, and maybe we should remind Uncle Crispin 255 00:09:17,829 --> 00:09:19,556 that when you say nice things to people, 256 00:09:19,557 --> 00:09:21,326 they say nice things back. 257 00:09:21,722 --> 00:09:23,970 Well... consider me reminded. 258 00:09:24,838 --> 00:09:25,489 Gotta run. 259 00:09:25,490 --> 00:09:26,696 Yeah, we'll see you tonight. Bye. 260 00:09:26,697 --> 00:09:27,740 Okay. Yeah, can't wait. Can't wait. 261 00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:28,737 He's funny. 262 00:09:28,738 --> 00:09:30,860 Yes, he is, but he can also be biting. 263 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,187 - He bites people? - Well, with his words, 264 00:09:33,188 --> 00:09:34,922 not with his teeth like Xander from art class. 265 00:09:34,923 --> 00:09:36,360 We need to confirm he got his shot. 266 00:09:36,361 --> 00:09:37,170 Yeah. 267 00:09:37,293 --> 00:09:39,781 Oh, my God. Okay, Crispin-- 268 00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:42,493 "Too many RSVPs. Have to make cuts to party. 269 00:09:42,494 --> 00:09:44,422 Maybe next time." Sad face. 270 00:09:46,016 --> 00:09:47,460 Because we refuse to abuse, 271 00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:49,759 we get banned from the party of the century? 272 00:09:49,847 --> 00:09:52,686 Does somebody need a wah-mbulance? 273 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,070 No. I do not need a wah-mbulance. 274 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:59,930 Hey, kids. How was your day? 275 00:10:00,042 --> 00:10:02,018 I knew the answer to that question. 276 00:10:02,172 --> 00:10:03,481 I'd had kind of a busy day 277 00:10:03,482 --> 00:10:06,028 going around solving everyone's problems. 278 00:10:06,029 --> 00:10:09,195 I started by going to see my buddy Stavros the florist. 279 00:10:10,270 --> 00:10:11,551 Stavros, I assume? 280 00:10:11,552 --> 00:10:12,181 Yes? 281 00:10:12,182 --> 00:10:14,316 I just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood. 282 00:10:14,317 --> 00:10:14,826 Oh, thank you. 283 00:10:14,827 --> 00:10:17,248 Yeah, I brought you some sandwiches, by the way. 284 00:10:17,249 --> 00:10:18,890 How good is lamb, huh? 285 00:10:19,765 --> 00:10:21,620 - Nikos! - Oh! Gotcha. 286 00:10:22,930 --> 00:10:24,234 Get back in there. 287 00:10:24,467 --> 00:10:25,667 I'm so sorry. 288 00:10:25,936 --> 00:10:27,684 Is there anything I can do for you? 289 00:10:27,685 --> 00:10:29,967 Oh, no. No. I... 290 00:10:31,354 --> 00:10:32,319 Well... 291 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,685 That's when I realized my kids didn't understand 292 00:10:34,686 --> 00:10:36,325 the concept of killing with kindness 293 00:10:36,326 --> 00:10:38,179 because they'd never seen it. 294 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:40,796 So I decided I'd prove it to them 295 00:10:41,123 --> 00:10:43,683 by going on a huggacidal rampage. 296 00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:46,899 Is that Reuben rockin' the Potter specs? 297 00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:48,684 Quiddiculous! 298 00:10:49,050 --> 00:10:49,917 Hey, listen, buddy, 299 00:10:49,918 --> 00:10:51,787 I heard about Luke calling his teacher "mommy." 300 00:10:51,788 --> 00:10:53,428 Epic fail, by the way. 301 00:10:53,622 --> 00:10:55,245 But, you know, since you're one of the cool kids, 302 00:10:55,246 --> 00:10:58,062 maybe you could ge the other ones to ease off a little? 303 00:10:58,546 --> 00:11:00,378 Cool. Air bump. 304 00:11:00,606 --> 00:11:02,653 Hey, Lee, it's Phil Dunphy from down the street. 305 00:11:02,654 --> 00:11:04,013 We haven't met. I was actually calling 306 00:11:04,014 --> 00:11:05,312 to leave a message for your wife, 307 00:11:05,313 --> 00:11:07,999 just to say thanks for hiring my daughter Haley. 308 00:11:08,170 --> 00:11:11,182 Listen, we'd love to have you and the missus over for a glass of wine, 309 00:11:11,183 --> 00:11:13,249 or--or, uh, maybe you and I could go out for a boys' night. 310 00:11:13,250 --> 00:11:14,612 But anyway, if you could-- 311 00:11:14,613 --> 00:11:15,771 Damn it! 312 00:11:17,204 --> 00:11:19,715 Hey, Karen Sullivan. Alex's dad. 313 00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:22,148 Well, look whose teeth got so nice and straight. 314 00:11:24,002 --> 00:11:25,689 Who wants to go first? 315 00:11:25,709 --> 00:11:26,796 - Are you kidding? - Are you crazy? 316 00:11:26,797 --> 00:11:28,770 - What are you trying to-- - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 317 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,008 One at a time! 318 00:11:30,009 --> 00:11:31,869 You called Ms. Cooper a man! 319 00:11:31,870 --> 00:11:32,683 No, I didn't. 320 00:11:32,684 --> 00:11:35,193 - I got her husband Lee on the machine. - There is no husband! 321 00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:36,203 She's Lee! 322 00:11:36,204 --> 00:11:38,571 Weirdly deep-voiced, alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper 323 00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:40,921 who you invited out for a glass of wine! 324 00:11:40,922 --> 00:11:42,855 Thanks to your little charm offensive with Karen, 325 00:11:42,856 --> 00:11:44,327 one thing did change about her party-- 326 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:45,415 I'm not invited! 327 00:11:45,416 --> 00:11:47,323 "Quiddiculous"? "Epic fail"? 328 00:11:47,324 --> 00:11:49,924 Now the whole school is just laughing at both of us. 329 00:11:53,429 --> 00:11:55,116 Stavros, hey! 330 00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:58,097 Why not?! 331 00:12:01,535 --> 00:12:02,545 What? 332 00:12:02,546 --> 00:12:04,018 Change of plans. 333 00:12:04,331 --> 00:12:05,436 This isn't over. 334 00:12:06,246 --> 00:12:08,561 I want you to wear something beautiful tonight. 335 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,322 So please, choose. 336 00:12:10,745 --> 00:12:12,016 What is this room? 337 00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:13,886 This is the closet. 338 00:12:14,264 --> 00:12:15,767 So all the people of the town, 339 00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:17,576 they leave their nice clothes with you? 340 00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:20,044 No. These are all my clothes. 341 00:12:20,045 --> 00:12:24,278 But... I do miss the simple things at home. 342 00:12:24,562 --> 00:12:27,572 So tell me, how-- how are things in the village? 343 00:12:27,573 --> 00:12:28,715 We had a flood. 344 00:12:28,716 --> 00:12:31,645 Ay, but it-- it wasn't a bad one, right? 345 00:12:31,706 --> 00:12:32,775 We had a boat. 346 00:12:32,776 --> 00:12:34,376 Ay, that's great. 347 00:12:34,563 --> 00:12:36,066 We had a boat. 348 00:12:37,103 --> 00:12:38,847 Are you dating anyone? 349 00:12:38,848 --> 00:12:41,152 You remember Antonio Marquez? 350 00:12:41,173 --> 00:12:42,232 Yes, of course. 351 00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:44,297 The most handsome boy in the school 352 00:12:44,298 --> 00:12:46,362 with those beautiful eyes. 353 00:12:46,363 --> 00:12:48,448 His father with the wooden leg... 354 00:12:48,716 --> 00:12:50,244 He lost it in the flood. 355 00:12:51,330 --> 00:12:53,122 So is it serious? 356 00:12:56,714 --> 00:12:57,582 Don't look at that. 357 00:12:57,583 --> 00:12:58,893 I won't. Trust me. 358 00:12:58,894 --> 00:12:59,895 Please. It's pathetic. 359 00:12:59,896 --> 00:13:01,249 Crispin getting all of our friends 360 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:03,559 to text us the details of his great party. 361 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,253 Such torture, huh? 362 00:13:05,830 --> 00:13:07,998 Oh, catering by Amelia's. Ow! 363 00:13:07,999 --> 00:13:09,847 Topless valet Parkers. 364 00:13:09,848 --> 00:13:11,267 - Sting. - Exactly. 365 00:13:11,268 --> 00:13:14,217 No, Sting is at the party. Mitchell, I wanna be there. 366 00:13:14,218 --> 00:13:15,412 - Cam. - No, come on. 367 00:13:15,413 --> 00:13:16,802 Who are we kidding? You do, too. 368 00:13:16,803 --> 00:13:18,193 Today, ladies! 369 00:13:18,194 --> 00:13:19,280 Okay, right there. That. 370 00:13:19,281 --> 00:13:20,900 That is why we are making the sacrifice-- 371 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:21,692 for our daughter. 372 00:13:21,693 --> 00:13:22,571 Oh, yeah, you're right. 373 00:13:22,572 --> 00:13:24,744 I mean, I'm the last one who should be complaining 374 00:13:24,745 --> 00:13:27,597 when, let's face it, Lily's snarkiness is my doing. 375 00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:29,252 Well, what's done is done. 376 00:13:29,253 --> 00:13:30,981 Let's just get ready for church. 377 00:13:31,497 --> 00:13:33,216 Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to not feel guilty, 378 00:13:33,217 --> 00:13:34,987 you know, when it's mostly my fault. 379 00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,191 I get it. Just don't beat yourself up. 380 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,365 Hey. Pocket square? No pocket square? 381 00:13:39,366 --> 00:13:42,463 Really? You're taking zero of the responsibility, or... 382 00:13:42,568 --> 00:13:45,163 Oh. We're you trying to get me to take the blame? 383 00:13:45,164 --> 00:13:46,671 Maybe just a little. Uh-huh. 384 00:13:46,672 --> 00:13:49,061 Oh, and deny you the chance to play the martyr? 385 00:13:49,232 --> 00:13:51,286 Look, Cam, if you're looking for me to be the bad guy, 386 00:13:51,287 --> 00:13:53,414 you're snarking up the wrong tree, okay? 387 00:13:53,506 --> 00:13:56,319 You are the one who can't let a single situation pass 388 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,897 without making a comment. 389 00:14:00,254 --> 00:14:02,341 Oh, well, maybe I'll just start today. 390 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:03,768 I think it'll make you feel better. 391 00:14:03,769 --> 00:14:05,256 I think I already do. 392 00:14:05,294 --> 00:14:07,270 Right to my face, "I don't like you." 393 00:14:07,606 --> 00:14:08,633 Nobody doesn't like me. 394 00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:11,017 I'm Jay. I'm-- I'm salt of the earth. 395 00:14:11,486 --> 00:14:12,905 Why are you inhaling my baby? 396 00:14:12,906 --> 00:14:15,177 Oh, they only smell perfect like this for a little while. 397 00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:16,870 Yeah. That's the stuff. 398 00:14:16,871 --> 00:14:19,272 From day one, I've treated this woman like a queen. 399 00:14:19,273 --> 00:14:20,857 I've flown her back and forth, 400 00:14:20,858 --> 00:14:23,022 I've... I've tasted her native food. 401 00:14:23,023 --> 00:14:24,436 You know what chin tastes like? 402 00:14:24,437 --> 00:14:25,692 - Mm. - 'Cause I do. 403 00:14:25,779 --> 00:14:27,251 And now to find out... 404 00:14:28,566 --> 00:14:29,567 What? I'm listening. 405 00:14:29,568 --> 00:14:31,130 You're rubbing yourself with the baby. 406 00:14:31,131 --> 00:14:33,058 I have seen you French kiss your dog. 407 00:14:33,059 --> 00:14:34,942 She was taking a treat out of my mouth. 408 00:14:34,943 --> 00:14:35,797 That's a trick. 409 00:14:35,798 --> 00:14:37,034 I am sure you know 410 00:14:37,035 --> 00:14:38,860 what I find funny about this situation. 411 00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:39,727 What? 412 00:14:39,728 --> 00:14:42,373 You have an in-law who, no matter what you do, 413 00:14:42,374 --> 00:14:45,152 no matter how hard you try, you can't win over. 414 00:14:45,153 --> 00:14:46,232 What about it? 415 00:14:46,785 --> 00:14:48,273 Wait. That doesn't sound familiar? 416 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:51,348 You're not saying... 417 00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:52,852 Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am. 418 00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:55,729 Son of a bitch, I'm Phil. 419 00:15:02,239 --> 00:15:03,523 Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold. 420 00:15:03,524 --> 00:15:05,104 Here. Why don't you take my jacket? 421 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,805 Sure, yeah. Make me the rude one. 422 00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:08,547 Look, I'm sorry that I pointed out 423 00:15:08,548 --> 00:15:10,473 that we're both to blame here, all right? 424 00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:12,297 But let's not turn this lovely event 425 00:15:12,298 --> 00:15:14,588 into a competition. Here you go, sweetie. 426 00:15:14,588 --> 00:15:16,629 Oh, you know what? You're right. I shouldn't be picking at you. 427 00:15:16,630 --> 00:15:18,129 But don't forget to light your candle. 428 00:15:18,130 --> 00:15:19,696 I think everyone in the immediate family's doing it. 429 00:15:19,697 --> 00:15:21,368 Oh, yeah? Okay. Good--good idea. 430 00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:25,651 What the hell is that? 431 00:15:25,652 --> 00:15:28,357 Some kind of gay protest thing? 432 00:15:28,358 --> 00:15:30,218 It's a candle, dad. What are you talking about? 433 00:15:30,219 --> 00:15:31,829 You' purple panty tail. 434 00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:33,347 Oh, no. Oh, come on. 435 00:15:33,348 --> 00:15:35,964 We're in church, Mitchell, not some disco. 436 00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:38,795 You did that on purpose! 437 00:15:38,796 --> 00:15:40,558 Oh, this stained glass is beautiful. 438 00:15:40,559 --> 00:15:41,894 Now listen, before we dunk the kid, 439 00:15:41,895 --> 00:15:43,877 you mind if I make a few casual remarks? 440 00:15:43,878 --> 00:15:45,438 I think you already did. 441 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,069 Claire asked me a good question-- 442 00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:49,396 how did Phil win me over? 443 00:15:49,728 --> 00:15:51,015 Well, he hasn't yet. 444 00:15:51,016 --> 00:15:53,463 But when he stops trying so hard, 445 00:15:53,464 --> 00:15:55,954 and he acts like a real person, he comes close. 446 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,204 That's what I needed to do with Pilar. 447 00:15:58,407 --> 00:16:00,131 I'd like to tell you the story 448 00:16:00,132 --> 00:16:02,171 of how I came to meet my incredible wife, 449 00:16:02,172 --> 00:16:04,080 because up until the birth of this child, 450 00:16:04,081 --> 00:16:06,122 it's the best thing that ever happened to me. 451 00:16:06,260 --> 00:16:07,262 Mm, that feels good huh? 452 00:16:07,263 --> 00:16:09,471 So it's morning. My car's getting waxed. 453 00:16:09,472 --> 00:16:10,863 I hop in the diner. 454 00:16:10,864 --> 00:16:12,213 I hear this adorable accent. 455 00:16:12,214 --> 00:16:14,836 I turn. I see this pretty girl talking to her friend. 456 00:16:14,837 --> 00:16:16,471 I send over a piece of pie. 457 00:16:16,472 --> 00:16:17,804 - All class. - Mm-hmm. 458 00:16:17,805 --> 00:16:18,939 Couple of minutes later, 459 00:16:18,940 --> 00:16:22,300 who comes over to thank me but Gloria, 460 00:16:22,587 --> 00:16:24,401 the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. 461 00:16:24,402 --> 00:16:25,226 Amen. 462 00:16:25,227 --> 00:16:27,203 She sits down, we start talking, 463 00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:28,882 and we haven't stopped talking since. 464 00:16:30,204 --> 00:16:31,587 But here's the crazy part-- 465 00:16:31,588 --> 00:16:33,323 I didn't send the pie to Gloria. 466 00:16:33,768 --> 00:16:35,042 Her back was to me. 467 00:16:35,043 --> 00:16:36,397 I sent it to her friend, 468 00:16:36,398 --> 00:16:38,150 who went to the bathroom and missed it. 469 00:16:38,608 --> 00:16:40,337 And that person is here today-- 470 00:16:40,338 --> 00:16:42,202 Gloria's sister Sonia. 471 00:16:42,841 --> 00:16:44,823 Isn't it funny how a simple twist of fate 472 00:16:44,824 --> 00:16:45,994 can change the whole-- 473 00:16:45,995 --> 00:16:47,357 You stole my life! 474 00:16:47,358 --> 00:16:50,205 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. 475 00:16:50,206 --> 00:16:51,177 I got Sonia! 476 00:16:54,225 --> 00:16:56,569 No more. I want my own life, my own bed, 477 00:16:56,570 --> 00:16:58,174 my own e-mail account! 478 00:16:58,175 --> 00:17:00,248 Yeah, leave your poor old mother alone. 479 00:17:00,448 --> 00:17:02,248 Don't worry mamá, you can come and live with us. 480 00:17:02,368 --> 00:17:03,983 Whoa. Pump the brakes here. 481 00:17:03,984 --> 00:17:05,605 What? Do you have a problem with my mother? 482 00:17:05,606 --> 00:17:07,141 No. Your mother has a problem with me. 483 00:17:07,142 --> 00:17:09,666 You think she's helpless. Ask her what's in that box. 484 00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:11,044 It's not the family gun? 485 00:17:11,045 --> 00:17:13,661 Jay, if anything should happen to Gloria, 486 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,016 I am there for you. 487 00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:17,034 What, Sonia? What's going to happen to me? 488 00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:19,162 You might go for a walk in your closet one day 489 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:20,805 and never come back! 490 00:17:23,499 --> 00:17:24,812 See what you're missing? Huh? 491 00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:29,194 Where is Luke? 492 00:17:29,228 --> 00:17:31,053 I think he's the one standing next to Matthew. 493 00:17:31,054 --> 00:17:32,246 Phil. 494 00:17:32,444 --> 00:17:33,801 He was feeling a little under the weather. 495 00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:34,697 I let him stay home. 496 00:17:34,698 --> 00:17:36,576 Or is he just too embarrassed to leave the house? 497 00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:38,036 Why would he be embarrassed? 498 00:17:38,037 --> 00:17:39,778 Because dad tried to fix all our problems, 499 00:17:39,779 --> 00:17:41,617 and instead, ruined all our lives. 500 00:17:41,618 --> 00:17:42,809 Nightmare. 501 00:17:42,857 --> 00:17:44,737 You girls are so dramatic. 502 00:17:44,765 --> 00:17:47,161 Do I need to call you a wah-mbulance? 503 00:17:47,162 --> 00:17:49,666 Wah-wah, wah-wah. 504 00:17:51,282 --> 00:17:52,935 - Did you hear that? - Yes! 505 00:17:52,936 --> 00:17:54,787 Claire's been driving Lily to dance class all week. 506 00:17:54,788 --> 00:17:55,847 That's where she gets it from! 507 00:17:55,848 --> 00:17:58,032 - We're not bad parents. Claire is. - Huh. 508 00:17:59,014 --> 00:18:00,077 I said I wasn't gonna cry, 509 00:18:00,078 --> 00:18:01,767 but, oh, boy, here it comes. Hmm! 510 00:18:03,237 --> 00:18:05,442 - No, no, Cam. Not with those. - Huh? 511 00:18:07,549 --> 00:18:08,966 Okay! That's it! 512 00:18:09,216 --> 00:18:11,248 We're in a House of God, damn it. 513 00:18:11,463 --> 00:18:14,464 Fine. Everyone just abandon me. 514 00:18:14,465 --> 00:18:15,967 Pilar, all due respect, 515 00:18:15,968 --> 00:18:17,439 no one's buying the martyr act. 516 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:18,761 Not even this guy. 517 00:18:18,772 --> 00:18:20,972 You ask me, you've been keeping this one under your thumb 518 00:18:20,973 --> 00:18:22,879 'cause you're afraid of going on with your life. 519 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,676 But you're an attractive woman with a lot to offer. 520 00:18:25,677 --> 00:18:27,102 This could be an opportunity. 521 00:18:27,103 --> 00:18:28,916 Hell, I don't even think I knew what happiness was 522 00:18:28,917 --> 00:18:29,894 till I was 60. 523 00:18:29,895 --> 00:18:31,218 And the hits just keep coming. Okay. 524 00:18:31,219 --> 00:18:33,307 Sonia, we're gonna help you get your own place, 525 00:18:33,465 --> 00:18:34,881 have some independence. 526 00:18:34,882 --> 00:18:36,139 And if you ever get lonely, 527 00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,260 you come visit us as much as you want... 528 00:18:38,414 --> 00:18:39,950 With-- within reason. 529 00:18:40,050 --> 00:18:42,522 - And we'll send this one down to visit you. - What? 530 00:18:42,524 --> 00:18:45,221 But he's not gonna become a priest 'cause he likes girls. 531 00:18:45,352 --> 00:18:47,216 Can't get 'em, but he likes 'em. 532 00:18:47,312 --> 00:18:49,944 So... everybody think about it. 533 00:18:49,945 --> 00:18:50,804 But not for too long. 534 00:18:50,805 --> 00:18:52,693 There's an A.A. meeting here at 6:00. 535 00:18:54,012 --> 00:18:56,100 Sonia, please, let us do this for you. 536 00:18:56,237 --> 00:18:58,110 I really want you to be happy. 537 00:18:58,533 --> 00:19:00,038 Can you forgive me? 538 00:19:00,284 --> 00:19:01,622 It will take some time. 539 00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:03,047 As much as you need. 540 00:19:03,230 --> 00:19:04,335 And some dresses. 541 00:19:04,336 --> 00:19:05,575 As many as you want. 542 00:19:05,576 --> 00:19:06,897 And some shoes. 543 00:19:07,370 --> 00:19:08,777 You're angry now. 544 00:19:10,375 --> 00:19:11,831 Whatever happened with the kids, 545 00:19:11,832 --> 00:19:13,768 I don't want you to feel bad about it. 546 00:19:13,896 --> 00:19:15,049 I don't. 547 00:19:16,041 --> 00:19:19,882 I now invite the godfather and the godmother to join us. 548 00:19:20,051 --> 00:19:21,059 Don't worry. 549 00:19:21,083 --> 00:19:22,808 I will take care of everything tomorrow. 550 00:19:22,809 --> 00:19:25,081 That may not be necessary, my wife. 551 00:19:26,614 --> 00:19:29,123 Phil and Claire, as godparents, 552 00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:30,230 are you ready to help 553 00:19:30,231 --> 00:19:32,811 the parents of this child in their duties? 554 00:19:32,812 --> 00:19:34,052 - We are. - We are. 555 00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:36,326 Do you renounce Satan? 556 00:19:41,086 --> 00:19:42,982 - I do renounce him. - I do renounce him. 557 00:19:48,042 --> 00:19:49,650 And all his works? 558 00:19:54,488 --> 00:19:56,448 I do renounce them. 559 00:19:59,752 --> 00:20:02,392 Hey! Hey! 560 00:20:07,151 --> 00:20:09,215 And all his empty promises? 561 00:20:14,609 --> 00:20:16,065 Oh, my God! 562 00:20:17,386 --> 00:20:19,002 I do renounce them. 563 00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:24,510 Godfather, is it your wish that this child be baptized? 564 00:20:25,479 --> 00:20:26,623 It is. 565 00:20:42,195 --> 00:20:45,474 In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit, 566 00:20:46,114 --> 00:20:48,035 what name have you given the child? 567 00:20:48,051 --> 00:20:50,770 Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett. 568 00:20:51,906 --> 00:20:53,841 May God be with you all. 569 00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:55,591 Thank you, Jay. 570 00:20:55,592 --> 00:20:57,136 We're never gonna call him that. 571 00:21:07,007 --> 00:21:10,343 So I heard that somebody released a bunch of rats 572 00:21:10,344 --> 00:21:12,415 into Karen Sullivan's party the other night. 573 00:21:12,416 --> 00:21:16,865 And Lee Cooper's camper just rolled into her lemon tree. 574 00:21:17,117 --> 00:21:18,694 Luke isn't having any problem at school anymore, 575 00:21:18,695 --> 00:21:21,270 because Reuben admitted he made the whole thing up. 576 00:21:21,591 --> 00:21:22,480 Isn't that crazy, 577 00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:24,881 how all our of kids' problems just disappeared? 578 00:21:25,515 --> 00:21:27,819 Don't ever ask me about my business, Claire. 579 00:21:28,697 --> 00:21:30,102 What are you talking about? 580 00:21:30,198 --> 00:21:31,882 Don't ask me about my business. 581 00:21:31,882 --> 00:21:32,882 I wasn't. 582 00:21:33,163 --> 00:21:34,283 Good. 583 00:21:34,911 --> 00:21:36,031 Don't. 584 00:21:36,231 --> 00:21:44,831 Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net