1 00:00:03,990 --> 00:00:05,390 If I get just, everybody's attention... 2 00:00:05,590 --> 00:00:06,790 Real quick. 3 00:00:07,695 --> 00:00:09,450 Um, on this wonderful occasion-- 4 00:00:09,742 --> 00:00:12,318 our daughter leaving tomorrow for college... 5 00:00:12,753 --> 00:00:15,136 If I could get everyone to raise their glass 6 00:00:15,564 --> 00:00:17,990 as I quote from one of our nation's great fathers-- 7 00:00:18,053 --> 00:00:19,197 Jefferson. 8 00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:20,723 George Jefferson. 9 00:00:21,399 --> 00:00:22,591 "I never dreamed that one of my own 10 00:00:22,592 --> 00:00:24,147 "would be going off to a university, 11 00:00:24,148 --> 00:00:26,047 "but here I stand, a proud black man, 12 00:00:26,048 --> 00:00:28,312 knowing that all those hours I put in at the dry cleaner--" 13 00:00:28,313 --> 00:00:29,990 - Phil. - Not now, weezie. 14 00:00:30,226 --> 00:00:30,923 Where was I? 15 00:00:30,924 --> 00:00:32,038 Quoting that president. 16 00:00:32,164 --> 00:00:33,583 Okay, if she's the future of America, 17 00:00:33,584 --> 00:00:35,407 we should start using Chinese money now. 18 00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:36,947 We already are. 19 00:00:37,065 --> 00:00:39,265 My arm is tired. To Haley. 20 00:00:39,266 --> 00:00:40,914 To Haley! 21 00:00:41,091 --> 00:00:42,766 And before everyone puts their glasses down, 22 00:00:43,208 --> 00:00:45,423 uh, uh, we're also very proud of Lily. 23 00:00:45,424 --> 00:00:47,968 Tomorrow is her first day of kindergarten. 24 00:00:49,533 --> 00:00:50,371 - To Lily. - Oh, Lily. 25 00:00:50,372 --> 00:00:52,455 To Lily. To Lily. And you'll be impressed to know 26 00:00:52,456 --> 00:00:54,018 that she's gonna be one of the smartest girls there. 27 00:00:54,019 --> 00:00:56,345 Lily, sweetie, what's the square root of 64? 28 00:00:56,346 --> 00:00:57,125 8. 29 00:00:57,127 --> 00:00:58,053 Wow. Hey! 30 00:00:58,054 --> 00:00:58,969 Nice trick. 31 00:00:58,970 --> 00:01:01,608 Hey, Lily, what's the square root of this potato? 32 00:01:01,609 --> 00:01:02,307 8. 33 00:01:02,308 --> 00:01:04,394 Congratulations. You have a parrot. 34 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,190 We couldn't even get through the toast to Haley 35 00:01:08,191 --> 00:01:09,900 before you pulled focus to Lily. 36 00:01:09,901 --> 00:01:12,537 Oh, come on. It's-- it's a big day for both of them. Huh? 37 00:01:12,671 --> 00:01:14,687 Haley going to college is a miracle. 38 00:01:14,795 --> 00:01:16,435 Lily going to kindergarten is the law. 39 00:01:17,377 --> 00:01:20,410 Well, Haley and Lily aren't the only ones starting school. 40 00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:23,053 My mom and Jay are going to parenting class. 41 00:01:23,054 --> 00:01:24,255 We're doing it for the baby. 42 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:26,590 Not this baby. That baby. 43 00:01:26,731 --> 00:01:29,196 Manny doesn't believe that we know what we're doing. 44 00:01:29,580 --> 00:01:31,416 A couple of new hairs under his arm, 45 00:01:31,417 --> 00:01:33,775 and now he thinks he knows more than his own mother. 46 00:01:33,776 --> 00:01:35,132 I know not to embarrass my son 47 00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:36,737 as he stands on the threshold of manhood. 48 00:01:36,738 --> 00:01:38,337 I don't know why I have to go to this thing. 49 00:01:38,338 --> 00:01:40,721 In case you've forgotten, I raised two kids. 50 00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:42,891 - Ow! - Ow! Stop pulling my hair. 51 00:01:42,892 --> 00:01:45,181 - Stop twisting my nipple. Ow! - Shut up. Shut up. 52 00:01:46,743 --> 00:01:48,998 Why look at me? It was their mother's fault. 53 00:01:49,203 --> 00:01:50,384 I was barely around. 54 00:01:50,385 --> 00:01:51,216 No! Ow, ow! 55 00:02:01,876 --> 00:02:05,376 Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 56 00:02:05,566 --> 00:02:06,957 Haley, this is, like, the third bag 57 00:02:06,958 --> 00:02:08,299 of makeup and hair care products. 58 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,846 Dad, if you want me to get good grades, I have to look cute. 59 00:02:10,847 --> 00:02:11,898 Don't say a word. 60 00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,444 No. No. I agree with that premise. 61 00:02:13,469 --> 00:02:15,365 Thank you. Wait. 62 00:02:16,260 --> 00:02:17,332 Yeah, thank you. 63 00:02:20,235 --> 00:02:21,644 - Claire. - Mm-hmm? 64 00:02:21,714 --> 00:02:23,978 In Haley's stuff, a box of condoms. 65 00:02:24,289 --> 00:02:26,545 Yeah. Um, I-I bought those for her. 66 00:02:26,678 --> 00:02:29,258 What? Why don't you just buy her some fishnet stockings 67 00:02:29,259 --> 00:02:30,829 and a nurse's outfit? 68 00:02:30,928 --> 00:02:33,072 Not that that's my thing. That just popped into my head. 69 00:02:33,073 --> 00:02:35,410 Honey, she's an adult, and she's going to college. 70 00:02:35,411 --> 00:02:36,667 I want to be realistic. 71 00:02:36,668 --> 00:02:38,377 I don't want her to get caught unprepared. 72 00:02:38,378 --> 00:02:41,290 24 times? What, are you buying her a 4-year supply? 73 00:02:41,409 --> 00:02:43,336 Please. Phil, that would've lasted me 74 00:02:43,337 --> 00:02:44,535 and my college boyfriend, like, a long-- 75 00:02:44,536 --> 00:02:46,780 La, la, la, la, la, la, la! 76 00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,015 Okay, we gotta hit the road. 77 00:02:49,016 --> 00:02:50,536 Give your sister a hug good-bye. 78 00:02:52,784 --> 00:02:53,920 Don't dork up our room. 79 00:02:53,921 --> 00:02:55,658 Don't slut up your college. 80 00:02:59,454 --> 00:03:02,174 Seriously, though, don't study too hard, okay? 81 00:03:02,233 --> 00:03:03,793 I'm totally going to have fun. 82 00:03:04,081 --> 00:03:06,073 I'm Iceland in the mock U.N. 83 00:03:06,904 --> 00:03:08,273 Mom, we're gonna lose her. 84 00:03:08,274 --> 00:03:09,874 I am doing my best. 85 00:03:10,392 --> 00:03:12,670 Luke, come say good-bye to your sister. 86 00:03:12,671 --> 00:03:14,000 I'm right here. 87 00:03:15,541 --> 00:03:17,549 Bye, Haley. Have fun. 88 00:03:17,761 --> 00:03:20,036 Don't drink too much beer and shots of Tequila. 89 00:03:20,037 --> 00:03:21,589 Why are you wearing that mask? 90 00:03:22,211 --> 00:03:23,483 Uh, I like it. 91 00:03:23,582 --> 00:03:25,140 He doesn't want you to see him cry. 92 00:03:25,141 --> 00:03:26,996 He's literally masking his emotions. 93 00:03:26,997 --> 00:03:27,698 No! 94 00:03:27,699 --> 00:03:29,564 - That's so sweet. - Come here. 95 00:03:29,662 --> 00:03:32,371 It's not sweet. I'm an evil cyborg. 96 00:03:32,372 --> 00:03:35,133 Half my face was burned off in an industrial accident, 97 00:03:35,134 --> 00:03:38,148 and the mask is hiding the servos that control my mouth. 98 00:03:40,283 --> 00:03:42,372 Yes, I am sad Haley is leaving, 99 00:03:42,373 --> 00:03:45,204 but I'm gonna be okay knowing I've done everything I can 100 00:03:45,205 --> 00:03:49,382 to get her set up and prepared and off on the right foot. 101 00:03:49,383 --> 00:03:52,193 Not me. When we're standing in her dorm room saying good-bye, 102 00:03:52,194 --> 00:03:54,778 it's gonna be one of the most emotional moments of my life. 103 00:03:55,746 --> 00:03:58,083 I'm gonna cry harder than the first time I saw "Air bud"... 104 00:03:59,244 --> 00:04:00,764 Especially when I give her this. 105 00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:03,763 - "Phil's-osophy." - Hmm. 106 00:04:03,764 --> 00:04:06,676 A hardbound collection of all the life lessons I've learned, 107 00:04:06,677 --> 00:04:07,733 such as... 108 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:12,274 "Always look people in the eye, 109 00:04:12,826 --> 00:04:14,194 "even if they're blind. 110 00:04:14,265 --> 00:04:16,720 Just say, 'I'm looking you in the eye.'" 111 00:04:17,626 --> 00:04:18,698 or... 112 00:04:19,666 --> 00:04:21,954 "If you get pulled over for speeding, 113 00:04:22,542 --> 00:04:25,047 tell the policeman your spouse has diarrhea." 114 00:04:28,648 --> 00:04:29,936 Phil's-osophy. 115 00:04:32,470 --> 00:04:34,950 Look how much fun you're gonna have here, Lily. 116 00:04:35,117 --> 00:04:36,941 So many great toys to play with, 117 00:04:36,942 --> 00:04:38,870 and you're gonna make so many new friends. 118 00:04:39,193 --> 00:04:40,825 Oh, I wish I was in kindergarten again. 119 00:04:40,878 --> 00:04:42,548 Oh, not me. Did I ever tell you about David Anthony? 120 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,317 He used to call me "Cam the ham." 121 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:45,700 - Okay, Lily's day. - Yeah, you're right. 122 00:04:45,701 --> 00:04:47,685 You know what? It's gonna be a great day. 123 00:04:47,686 --> 00:04:48,839 I'm just saying, it's difficult to grow up 124 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,111 with a name that rhymes with "ham." 125 00:04:50,112 --> 00:04:52,855 Hello? Mitch? Witch. Twitch. 126 00:04:52,997 --> 00:04:53,998 Bitch. 127 00:04:54,082 --> 00:04:55,247 Elaine Stritch. 128 00:04:55,248 --> 00:04:56,013 What? 129 00:04:56,014 --> 00:04:57,481 Not all bullies are straight. 130 00:04:57,808 --> 00:04:59,359 Okay, parents... 131 00:04:59,628 --> 00:05:01,396 - Oh! - We'll see you at 12:00. 132 00:05:01,541 --> 00:05:02,654 - All right. - Mm! 133 00:05:02,691 --> 00:05:04,160 - This is when the crying starts. - Mm! 134 00:05:05,079 --> 00:05:06,319 Does it ever stop? 135 00:05:06,444 --> 00:05:07,427 Come on, Cam. 136 00:05:07,428 --> 00:05:09,358 Okay. You know what, Lily, sweetie? 137 00:05:09,359 --> 00:05:10,770 I know this is gonna be difficult-- 138 00:05:10,771 --> 00:05:11,843 Bye! 139 00:05:12,126 --> 00:05:14,246 Okay. That was a knife to the heart. 140 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,103 No, it's-- it's a good thing. Come on. 141 00:05:16,856 --> 00:05:18,576 - Oh, you know what? She forgot her snack. - Oh. 142 00:05:20,969 --> 00:05:21,977 Where'd she go? 143 00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:25,715 Ow! That hurts! Ow! That hurts! 144 00:05:25,979 --> 00:05:26,678 Oh, Lily, honey! 145 00:05:26,679 --> 00:05:28,607 Sweetheart, come here. Come here. 146 00:05:29,376 --> 00:05:32,792 If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, 147 00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:35,420 I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole, 148 00:05:35,421 --> 00:05:38,188 and let the birds peck out your eyes. 149 00:05:38,936 --> 00:05:39,976 You understand? 150 00:05:40,261 --> 00:05:42,502 Mr. Tucker, put that boy down! 151 00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,742 He pulled my daughter's hair. 152 00:05:47,792 --> 00:05:49,474 Please apologize to Connor 153 00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,715 for using your hands instead of your words. 154 00:05:53,536 --> 00:05:54,690 Sorry, little fella. 155 00:05:55,679 --> 00:05:57,666 - I would like to see you in my office. - Right. 156 00:05:57,667 --> 00:05:59,547 - Now, please. - Me, too? Oh. 157 00:06:07,685 --> 00:06:09,413 Stop it. Leave him alone. 158 00:06:17,563 --> 00:06:19,787 Mr. Tucker, what happened out there was unacceptable. 159 00:06:19,788 --> 00:06:22,229 I agree. Is this kindergarten or "The hunger games"? 160 00:06:22,310 --> 00:06:24,073 I'm speaking of your behavior. 161 00:06:24,132 --> 00:06:25,624 We've never had an incident like this, 162 00:06:25,625 --> 00:06:27,225 and now we've had one on the first day, 163 00:06:27,235 --> 00:06:28,554 before circle time. 164 00:06:28,903 --> 00:06:30,312 What the fudge were you thinking? 165 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,513 Now the boy's parents are coming in, and trust me, 166 00:06:32,514 --> 00:06:33,941 they're mad as Hello Kitty. 167 00:06:33,942 --> 00:06:35,918 Oh, you told his parents on us? 168 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,126 That is-- that is so not cool. 169 00:06:38,127 --> 00:06:39,525 Well, I'm sure once they hear what their boy did, 170 00:06:39,526 --> 00:06:40,974 they will be understanding. 171 00:06:42,156 --> 00:06:43,707 All right, whoever made our son cry 172 00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:45,435 has messed with the wrong moms. 173 00:06:47,227 --> 00:06:48,459 Lesbians. 174 00:06:49,177 --> 00:06:51,459 While often lumped together, gay men and lesbians 175 00:06:51,460 --> 00:06:53,497 have less in common than one might think. 176 00:06:53,498 --> 00:06:56,337 Like in the Venn diagram of sexual identity, 177 00:06:56,473 --> 00:06:57,712 you have gay men... 178 00:06:57,771 --> 00:06:58,883 And straight men. 179 00:06:59,815 --> 00:07:01,191 Both the same gender. 180 00:07:01,582 --> 00:07:03,118 Then you have gay men... 181 00:07:03,262 --> 00:07:04,616 And straight women. 182 00:07:04,971 --> 00:07:07,027 Both attracted to the same gender. 183 00:07:07,539 --> 00:07:09,235 But gay men and lesbians? 184 00:07:10,505 --> 00:07:11,135 No. 185 00:07:11,136 --> 00:07:12,138 Nothing. 186 00:07:12,612 --> 00:07:14,947 I am so sorry we have to meet like this, 187 00:07:14,948 --> 00:07:16,728 but I'm sure you can understand, as parents, 188 00:07:16,729 --> 00:07:18,810 the instinct to protect your child. 189 00:07:19,215 --> 00:07:21,648 Yeah, it's what makes me want to punch you in the neck right now. 190 00:07:21,662 --> 00:07:23,918 Wow. I see where your son gets all of his aggression. 191 00:07:24,039 --> 00:07:25,881 Okay, let's all take a time-out. 192 00:07:25,882 --> 00:07:27,989 That's a good idea. This is getting a little heated. Right? 193 00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:30,934 Yeah, Pam, we don't want another incident like at the lumberyard. 194 00:07:31,094 --> 00:07:33,654 Oh, my God. You guys go to the lumberyard, too? D-- 195 00:07:33,948 --> 00:07:35,613 I didn't know they had a ladies' night. 196 00:07:35,631 --> 00:07:37,215 Not the bar, Sally. 197 00:07:37,346 --> 00:07:39,245 Okay, you know what? He's trying to be nice, 198 00:07:39,246 --> 00:07:40,539 and you just called him "Sally." 199 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:42,644 Yeah, you're not being very helpful, Peppermint Patty. 200 00:07:42,722 --> 00:07:44,311 Okay. Let's just stick to our actual names. 201 00:07:44,573 --> 00:07:45,710 Enough. 202 00:07:45,729 --> 00:07:47,945 I'm gonna give you a little homework assignment. 203 00:07:47,946 --> 00:07:50,874 I want you and your kids to have a family playdate. 204 00:07:50,969 --> 00:07:52,265 Maybe if the four of you can get along, 205 00:07:52,266 --> 00:07:54,571 you can set a better example for your children. 206 00:07:54,572 --> 00:07:56,853 I think that's a wonderful idea. Pam? 207 00:07:57,675 --> 00:07:58,951 - Fine. - Cam? 208 00:07:58,959 --> 00:08:00,831 Fine. We'll host, obviously. 209 00:08:00,865 --> 00:08:01,703 "Obviously"? 210 00:08:01,704 --> 00:08:02,427 Well, I assume you have 211 00:08:02,428 --> 00:08:04,279 an unfinished woodworking project at your house. 212 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:05,578 You've got a lot of nerve. 213 00:08:05,579 --> 00:08:07,718 Yeah, and you've got half a canoe in our living room. 214 00:08:09,380 --> 00:08:11,148 I look forward to your frittata. 215 00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:13,535 Oh. Why, are you visiting us in 2008? 216 00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:14,728 Oh, my God. 217 00:08:17,117 --> 00:08:17,950 Okay, thanks. 218 00:08:17,951 --> 00:08:20,524 Baby for you. 219 00:08:21,233 --> 00:08:23,065 You have some explaining to do. 220 00:08:23,168 --> 00:08:26,192 I'm so sorry that you had to find out like this, Jay. 221 00:08:27,433 --> 00:08:29,354 Wow, you two are really far along. 222 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,704 We're, uh, we're still in our first trimester. 223 00:08:31,705 --> 00:08:32,939 Ay, that's nice. 224 00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:35,000 Yeah, we've been trying to get pregnant for ages. 225 00:08:35,001 --> 00:08:37,258 She's latina. You just gotta look at her funny. 226 00:08:38,366 --> 00:08:41,727 Okay, now that everyone has their doll, 227 00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:43,705 let's talk about swaddling. 228 00:08:43,706 --> 00:08:46,450 Now you want to start by turning one corner of the blanket 229 00:08:46,451 --> 00:08:48,395 toward you, like a diamond, 230 00:08:48,488 --> 00:08:50,497 and folding the top down, 231 00:08:51,353 --> 00:08:52,416 like this. 232 00:08:52,724 --> 00:08:55,371 I think they made a mistake at the hospital. 233 00:08:57,792 --> 00:08:58,800 Tough room. 234 00:08:58,987 --> 00:09:02,143 Now we are going to pull the other corner 'round, 235 00:09:02,199 --> 00:09:04,895 and tuck it in nice and snug 236 00:09:05,242 --> 00:09:06,284 like a burrito. 237 00:09:06,285 --> 00:09:08,454 Done! I win. 238 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:09,904 It's not a race. 239 00:09:09,905 --> 00:09:11,556 You're darn right. It wasn't even close. 240 00:09:14,892 --> 00:09:18,144 Okay, it's good, but it's a little tight. 241 00:09:18,145 --> 00:09:20,883 It's a burrito. You don't want the meat to fall out. 242 00:09:20,884 --> 00:09:22,948 Here. And try like this. 243 00:09:25,585 --> 00:09:26,745 And see? 244 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,865 Now your baby can breathe. 245 00:09:31,936 --> 00:09:35,621 I wrapped my son with one hand while driving a stick. 246 00:09:35,622 --> 00:09:37,685 I think I know how to keep a baby safe. 247 00:09:41,421 --> 00:09:43,410 Man, I love being back in the dorms. 248 00:09:43,411 --> 00:09:44,899 It's like I never left. 249 00:09:45,944 --> 00:09:48,584 Throw up a David Copperfield poster, this could be my room. 250 00:09:49,068 --> 00:09:51,430 Honey, Haley and I have to go fill out some paperwork. 251 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,974 Why don't you throw the linens on the bed? 252 00:09:53,975 --> 00:09:56,225 - Oh, and move the car before they tow us. - Okay. 253 00:09:56,418 --> 00:09:57,797 Oh, my God. What is that shirt?! 254 00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:00,335 Pretty sweet, huh? "Haley Dunphy moving Co." 255 00:10:00,336 --> 00:10:02,618 'Cause we're moving you here and here. 256 00:10:02,924 --> 00:10:04,059 And also... 257 00:10:04,916 --> 00:10:06,036 Here. Mm. 258 00:10:06,711 --> 00:10:08,807 Man, you used to love it when we swung you like that. 259 00:10:09,356 --> 00:10:10,604 I bet we could still do it. 260 00:10:10,875 --> 00:10:11,993 - Yeah! - Yeah. 261 00:10:11,994 --> 00:10:13,210 Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. 262 00:10:13,211 --> 00:10:14,998 Don't you dare pick me up! And take that shirt off. 263 00:10:14,999 --> 00:10:17,209 - What? Why? - It's cute! 264 00:10:17,210 --> 00:10:19,556 It's not cute! Do you see what's happening out there? 265 00:10:19,557 --> 00:10:21,737 People are walking around and judging each other. 266 00:10:21,738 --> 00:10:22,862 No, they're not. 267 00:10:22,863 --> 00:10:23,457 Oh, really? 268 00:10:23,458 --> 00:10:24,948 You didn't see the way muffin top across the hall 269 00:10:24,949 --> 00:10:28,121 was looking at me? People can be cruel. So take it off. 270 00:10:28,536 --> 00:10:29,592 Fine. 271 00:10:31,758 --> 00:10:33,296 Oh, my God! Put on a shirt! 272 00:10:33,297 --> 00:10:35,236 I don't know what you want from me! 273 00:10:35,237 --> 00:10:37,855 "You only get one chance at a first impression. 274 00:10:37,856 --> 00:10:41,200 I suggest Julia Child, because it's easy to do." 275 00:10:41,979 --> 00:10:43,849 "Save the giblets." 276 00:10:46,274 --> 00:10:47,626 Time to go to the beach! 277 00:10:47,627 --> 00:10:49,560 - You're gonna go to the beach with a dog? - That dog on the beach. 278 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:52,392 - I don't know what I did to deserve this. - Yeah. 279 00:10:52,767 --> 00:10:54,530 I want to show Connor my toys. 280 00:10:54,531 --> 00:10:56,141 Oh, okay. You do that, sweetie. 281 00:10:56,179 --> 00:10:58,163 Hey, Connor, uh, no hair pulling. 282 00:10:58,445 --> 00:10:59,619 Thank you for that. 283 00:10:59,620 --> 00:11:02,629 Okay, we have an assortment of spring rolls here. 284 00:11:03,383 --> 00:11:05,016 All vegetarian, of course. 285 00:11:05,184 --> 00:11:07,871 Oh, 'cause I'm a lesbian, I'm automatically a vegetarian? 286 00:11:08,266 --> 00:11:10,442 Well, I saw it on "The L word." I assume they have consultants. 287 00:11:10,443 --> 00:11:12,210 I'm just saying it's an offensive stereotype. 288 00:11:12,211 --> 00:11:14,880 Okay, Pam, you are a vegetarian. 289 00:11:14,881 --> 00:11:15,723 Wow! 290 00:11:15,724 --> 00:11:16,524 Knock it off. 291 00:11:16,525 --> 00:11:17,442 Worked out. 292 00:11:18,624 --> 00:11:21,006 Yeah. So glad that we are doing this. 293 00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:22,840 - Yeah. Yeah, me, too. - Yeah. Yeah. 294 00:11:22,841 --> 00:11:24,905 I mean, we're the only gay parents in the class. 295 00:11:24,906 --> 00:11:26,431 Yeah, we should be supporting one another. 296 00:11:26,432 --> 00:11:28,269 I mean, we have so much in common. 297 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,347 Exactly. 298 00:11:33,363 --> 00:11:34,883 So... 299 00:11:35,163 --> 00:11:36,231 Tell us about yourselves. 300 00:11:36,232 --> 00:11:38,017 I'm an environmental lawyer. 301 00:11:38,045 --> 00:11:39,517 Uh, and I'm a homemaker. 302 00:11:41,727 --> 00:11:43,226 And-- and, uh, and what do you do? 303 00:11:43,227 --> 00:11:45,064 I'm a financial consultant. 304 00:11:45,065 --> 00:11:46,425 I'm a contractor. 305 00:11:48,637 --> 00:11:50,316 You thought I was a P.E. teacher? 306 00:11:50,317 --> 00:11:51,406 - Well, figured. - Mm. 307 00:11:51,407 --> 00:11:52,464 Hey, I have a question real quick. 308 00:11:52,465 --> 00:11:54,538 How do you guys get the car seat on the motorcycle? 309 00:11:54,539 --> 00:11:57,014 Uh, you know, Connor is having a birthday next week. 310 00:11:57,015 --> 00:11:58,327 Maybe Lily would like to come. 311 00:11:58,328 --> 00:11:59,516 Oh, she would love that. 312 00:11:59,517 --> 00:12:01,085 Oh, great. Are you guys having a clown? 313 00:12:01,086 --> 00:12:02,294 Oh, God, no. 314 00:12:02,345 --> 00:12:04,457 I hate clowns they're so creepy. 315 00:12:04,645 --> 00:12:06,758 Maybe you just don't like them because they wear makeup. 316 00:12:08,334 --> 00:12:10,234 You know what? I'm out. 317 00:12:10,235 --> 00:12:11,212 Okay. Pam. 318 00:12:11,213 --> 00:12:12,566 Uh... Connor, we're leaving! 319 00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:14,673 Pam! Pam! You-- you don't understand. Cam used to be a clown. 320 00:12:14,674 --> 00:12:16,207 "Used to be"? Once a clown, always a clown. 321 00:12:16,208 --> 00:12:18,009 God! Not now! Not now! 322 00:12:18,277 --> 00:12:19,523 Connor, let's go. 323 00:12:19,524 --> 00:12:20,556 Pam. 324 00:12:24,392 --> 00:12:25,271 Why is this door locked? 325 00:12:25,272 --> 00:12:26,641 Here. Let me, please. 326 00:12:27,318 --> 00:12:29,345 Lily, open this door right now. 327 00:12:30,290 --> 00:12:32,223 Okay. I'm not hearing anything. 328 00:12:32,224 --> 00:12:33,412 I'm sure they're fine. 329 00:12:33,413 --> 00:12:34,813 Oh, how are you sure? 330 00:12:35,704 --> 00:12:36,570 Connor! 331 00:12:36,571 --> 00:12:37,916 - Lily! - Connor! 332 00:12:37,917 --> 00:12:38,995 Lily! 333 00:12:45,657 --> 00:12:47,859 Make the water comfortably warm 334 00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:50,271 90 to 100 degrees max. 335 00:12:50,272 --> 00:12:53,296 And never leave the tub unsupervised. 336 00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:58,214 Is there something you two want to share with the class? 337 00:12:58,215 --> 00:12:59,783 No. It's dirty. 338 00:13:00,451 --> 00:13:02,912 Excuse me. We're trying to learn here. 339 00:13:02,913 --> 00:13:06,880 Don't worry so much. Babies are tougher than you think. 340 00:13:06,881 --> 00:13:09,887 When I was 5 years old, my babysitter was a goat. 341 00:13:09,888 --> 00:13:10,773 What? 342 00:13:10,774 --> 00:13:12,559 Ay, please. You know about Lupe. 343 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:13,708 You never said she was a goat. 344 00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:14,870 You know, it's great that we have 345 00:13:14,871 --> 00:13:18,039 a couple of experienced parents in the class. 346 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:21,604 Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the rest of us. 347 00:13:21,605 --> 00:13:23,460 Absolutely. It's not rocket science. 348 00:13:23,461 --> 00:13:25,221 It's babies. They're hungry, you feed 'em. 349 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,761 They're teething, you give 'em some scotch. 350 00:13:26,762 --> 00:13:27,321 Scotch? 351 00:13:27,322 --> 00:13:28,930 Really? Are you serious? 352 00:13:28,931 --> 00:13:29,971 What? 353 00:13:30,506 --> 00:13:31,564 So we left. 354 00:13:31,565 --> 00:13:33,725 I didn't need a lecture from Mary Poppins. 355 00:13:33,726 --> 00:13:35,686 And I was suddenly in a mood for a burrito. 356 00:13:43,818 --> 00:13:45,523 I'd like admission to your student body. 357 00:13:46,501 --> 00:13:47,357 Aah! Oh, my goodness! 358 00:13:47,358 --> 00:13:49,057 I am so sorry. I thought you were my wife. 359 00:13:49,058 --> 00:13:49,885 What's going on? 360 00:13:49,886 --> 00:13:51,489 He grabbed me and said-- 361 00:13:51,490 --> 00:13:53,410 I thought she was my wife. My wife works out a lot. 362 00:13:53,411 --> 00:13:54,491 Dad? 363 00:13:54,563 --> 00:13:55,452 How'd he grab you? 364 00:13:55,453 --> 00:13:57,389 He squeezed my butt. 365 00:13:57,582 --> 00:13:58,150 He what? 366 00:13:58,151 --> 00:13:59,773 - Phil! - I thought it was you! 367 00:14:00,111 --> 00:14:02,070 Believe me, sir. I'm a respected realtor. 368 00:14:02,071 --> 00:14:03,165 This is an innocent mistake. 369 00:14:03,166 --> 00:14:04,911 Honey, turn around and show him your-- your butt. 370 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,479 - It-- it's uncanny. - Dad. 371 00:14:06,492 --> 00:14:09,172 I am very normal. Please do not judge me based on them. 372 00:14:09,174 --> 00:14:10,807 Are those your My little pony sheets? 373 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:12,114 What? No! 374 00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:14,017 Mm. Oh. I ordered them online. 375 00:14:14,018 --> 00:14:15,311 They must've sent the wrong ones. I'm very sorry. 376 00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:16,736 - That's what was in the box. - Oh. 377 00:14:19,803 --> 00:14:20,781 Okay. 378 00:14:20,782 --> 00:14:23,850 Uh, for the record, I am a respected realtor. 379 00:14:24,352 --> 00:14:25,688 Those are not my condoms. 380 00:14:26,026 --> 00:14:27,194 She bought 'em. 381 00:14:27,316 --> 00:14:28,264 Oh, my God. 382 00:14:28,265 --> 00:14:29,905 Apparently, that's what people do these days-- 383 00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,340 - buy condoms for their kids. - Uh-huh. 384 00:14:31,748 --> 00:14:32,313 When I went to college, 385 00:14:32,314 --> 00:14:33,781 my parents bought me a bicycle helmet. 386 00:14:33,782 --> 00:14:35,045 That was their idea of safety. 387 00:14:35,314 --> 00:14:36,441 Certainly didn't need condoms. 388 00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:37,293 Mm, not if you were wearing 389 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:40,179 a bike helmet around campus, you didn't. Am I right? 390 00:14:41,567 --> 00:14:43,405 Why don't we let you guys finish, 391 00:14:43,406 --> 00:14:44,622 and we'll come back later? 392 00:14:45,042 --> 00:14:46,088 - Okay. - Okay. 393 00:14:46,089 --> 00:14:46,637 Yeah. 394 00:14:46,638 --> 00:14:47,928 Yeah. Yep. Yeah. 395 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:49,097 Yeah, that sounds good. 396 00:14:49,542 --> 00:14:50,902 See you on parents weekend! 397 00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:54,399 They seem nice. 398 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,807 - Guys. - I-- I know. I know. 399 00:14:55,808 --> 00:14:57,303 Look, we need to reorganize a little. 400 00:14:57,304 --> 00:14:59,404 Your dad will go out and get us some new sheets. 401 00:14:59,405 --> 00:15:01,557 You and I can hang up all the pictures on the walls. 402 00:15:01,789 --> 00:15:04,133 You know what? I think it's best if you guys get going. 403 00:15:04,912 --> 00:15:06,639 But we-- we wanted to help you, sweetie. 404 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,340 No, I got it. 405 00:15:07,858 --> 00:15:09,541 W-what if you wanna move the furniture around? 406 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,519 And we were gonna take you to dinner before we left. 407 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:14,032 I like the furniture where it is, and I'm not hungry. 408 00:15:14,046 --> 00:15:15,052 So... 409 00:15:15,172 --> 00:15:16,484 - Okay. - Okay. 410 00:15:16,558 --> 00:15:18,776 Um, well, uh, before we leave, 411 00:15:18,821 --> 00:15:20,295 - I wanted to give you a little present. - Ohh. 412 00:15:20,335 --> 00:15:21,680 It's actually not a little present. 413 00:15:21,681 --> 00:15:24,018 It's probably the best present you're ever gonna get. 414 00:15:24,894 --> 00:15:26,874 - It's a collection of all the things I've learned-- - Thanks. 415 00:15:29,567 --> 00:15:30,365 Attention. 416 00:15:30,366 --> 00:15:31,985 Dorm meeting in the common room. 417 00:15:31,986 --> 00:15:33,274 Okay, so... 418 00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:34,612 I better go. 419 00:15:34,886 --> 00:15:35,757 Okay. 420 00:15:35,758 --> 00:15:37,846 Okay, come here. That's my girl. 421 00:15:38,950 --> 00:15:40,397 - Let me get in there. - Okay. 422 00:15:40,862 --> 00:15:42,134 - All right. - Bye! 423 00:15:42,190 --> 00:15:43,294 Bye. 424 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,398 "The most amazing things that can happen to a human being 425 00:15:49,399 --> 00:15:50,686 "will happen to you 426 00:15:50,971 --> 00:15:53,222 if you just lower your expectations." 427 00:15:55,378 --> 00:15:57,330 Oh, they've got something over the hole. 428 00:15:57,438 --> 00:15:59,006 - Lily! - Connor! 429 00:15:59,380 --> 00:16:00,656 We can't see anything from outside. 430 00:16:00,657 --> 00:16:01,961 The curtains are closed. 431 00:16:02,675 --> 00:16:05,475 Open up, Connor! We'll let you have a hot dog! 432 00:16:05,712 --> 00:16:07,111 What if something happened to them? 433 00:16:07,112 --> 00:16:08,731 What kind of hazards do you keep in there? 434 00:16:08,732 --> 00:16:10,535 Well, let's see. That's where we keep our gun collection, 435 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:11,734 our abandoned refrigerator, 436 00:16:11,735 --> 00:16:13,199 and our chocolate-covered hypodermic needles. 437 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,929 Why are gay men always so sarcastic? 438 00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,047 It's my coping mechanism! 439 00:16:16,048 --> 00:16:17,172 Okay, that's it! 440 00:16:17,453 --> 00:16:19,525 Lily, Connor, if you can hear me, 441 00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:22,009 back away from the door. I'm gonna break it down. 442 00:16:22,010 --> 00:16:22,597 I'll help you. 443 00:16:22,598 --> 00:16:24,660 I don't want Connor to go! 444 00:16:24,726 --> 00:16:26,110 I wanna stay! 445 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,640 Oh, thank God they're alive! 446 00:16:27,662 --> 00:16:28,733 I love him! 447 00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:31,838 No, you love the idea of him. Now open this door, sweetie. 448 00:16:32,319 --> 00:16:34,389 Can we really have hot dogs? 449 00:16:34,390 --> 00:16:35,614 Yes, we promise. 450 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,179 Oh! Come here, sweetheart. 451 00:16:39,622 --> 00:16:40,740 If you ask me, 452 00:16:40,741 --> 00:16:43,412 sometimes we get so hung up on our differences, 453 00:16:43,438 --> 00:16:45,374 we forget the one thing we have in common. 454 00:16:45,702 --> 00:16:48,238 When it comes to the safety and well-being of our children, 455 00:16:48,813 --> 00:16:50,323 we're all a little bit nuts. 456 00:16:52,146 --> 00:16:54,514 You have dainty little hands, just like your daughter. 457 00:16:54,636 --> 00:16:56,052 You have boots like my dad. 458 00:16:57,997 --> 00:17:01,803 I'm not saying that the goat put me to sleep or brushed my teeth. 459 00:17:01,865 --> 00:17:04,114 It just stayed outside my bedroom window 460 00:17:04,115 --> 00:17:05,818 and scared all the strangers away. 461 00:17:05,819 --> 00:17:07,795 Well, I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little disappointed. 462 00:17:07,869 --> 00:17:08,901 Hey, kid! 463 00:17:09,137 --> 00:17:11,424 Jay, mom, how was class? 464 00:17:11,425 --> 00:17:14,334 It was great. It was very educating and-- 465 00:17:14,335 --> 00:17:16,743 and now we know everything about the baby, no? 466 00:17:17,706 --> 00:17:20,095 Interesting, because your teacher called, 467 00:17:20,096 --> 00:17:22,112 and you forgot your sunglasses when you left... 468 00:17:22,490 --> 00:17:23,682 Three hours early. 469 00:17:25,042 --> 00:17:26,249 Ay, Manny, don't be mad. 470 00:17:26,250 --> 00:17:28,746 I'm not mad. Just disappointed. 471 00:17:29,323 --> 00:17:31,646 I hate this. I prefer when he screams. 472 00:17:31,647 --> 00:17:33,189 Manny, it's no big deal. 473 00:17:33,190 --> 00:17:35,545 They weren't telling us anything we didn't already know. 474 00:17:35,546 --> 00:17:36,877 We're going to have a baby. 475 00:17:36,878 --> 00:17:38,466 Am I the only one who's terrified? 476 00:17:38,467 --> 00:17:39,697 But why? 477 00:17:40,205 --> 00:17:42,363 Why are you so terrified? 478 00:17:42,364 --> 00:17:44,201 What if it doesn't know not to pick up knives 479 00:17:44,202 --> 00:17:46,050 or stick its finger in an electric socket? 480 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,662 You were pretty lax, mom. 481 00:17:47,756 --> 00:17:48,822 I was the one who told you 482 00:17:48,823 --> 00:17:50,269 to turn the pot handles towards the stove 483 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,231 so I couldn't reach them. 484 00:17:51,232 --> 00:17:53,073 Manny, I didn't worry about those things 485 00:17:53,074 --> 00:17:55,378 because you worried for the both of us. 486 00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,623 What if this baby doesn't think things through? 487 00:17:57,630 --> 00:17:58,544 It's part Jay. 488 00:17:58,545 --> 00:17:59,753 No offense taken. 489 00:18:00,975 --> 00:18:03,039 If the baby's different, we'll be different. 490 00:18:03,479 --> 00:18:04,535 Hey. 491 00:18:05,435 --> 00:18:06,419 When you were growing up, 492 00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:08,714 you had to be the man of the house and the kid. 493 00:18:08,715 --> 00:18:10,963 Now I'm here. You just have to be the kid. 494 00:18:11,259 --> 00:18:13,475 I'm not gonna let anything happen to the baby, 495 00:18:13,489 --> 00:18:16,724 just like I'm not ever gonna let anything happen to you. 496 00:18:16,725 --> 00:18:17,701 Okay? 497 00:18:18,144 --> 00:18:20,223 Okay. That is a load off. 498 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:24,501 Although you forgot to pick me up last week after tango class. 499 00:18:24,502 --> 00:18:26,902 We didn't forget. We were just ten minutes late. 500 00:18:26,942 --> 00:18:28,831 Ten minutes is a long time in a sketchy neighborhood. 501 00:18:28,832 --> 00:18:31,272 Please. It was between a Gymboree and a Pottery Barn. 502 00:18:32,087 --> 00:18:33,836 "Dance until your feet hurt. 503 00:18:34,546 --> 00:18:36,834 "Sing until your lungs hurt. 504 00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:39,635 Act until you're William Hurt." 505 00:18:44,260 --> 00:18:45,524 How you doing? Are you okay? 506 00:18:46,354 --> 00:18:47,722 Yeah. No, I'm... 507 00:18:48,026 --> 00:18:49,550 I'm-- I'm-- I'm good. You? 508 00:18:49,551 --> 00:18:50,638 Fine. Yeah. 509 00:18:51,379 --> 00:18:52,498 Great. 510 00:19:04,470 --> 00:19:06,287 "Take a lesson from parakeets. 511 00:19:06,826 --> 00:19:08,378 "If you're ever feeling lonely, 512 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,360 just eat in front of a mirror." 513 00:19:12,177 --> 00:19:14,439 "Never be afraid to reach for the stars, 514 00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:16,165 "because even if you fall, 515 00:19:16,483 --> 00:19:19,427 you'll always be wearing a parent-chute." 516 00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:20,705 TM." 517 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,496 Haley. Hi, honey. You okay? 518 00:19:27,228 --> 00:19:28,316 Yeah. 519 00:19:29,064 --> 00:19:29,985 Where are you guys? 520 00:19:29,986 --> 00:19:31,370 Almost home, honey. 521 00:19:31,598 --> 00:19:33,150 Dad, I really like that book. 522 00:19:33,749 --> 00:19:34,796 You do? 523 00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,979 Sweetheart, is everything okay? 524 00:19:37,311 --> 00:19:40,751 Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you for everything, 525 00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:42,783 you know, today and stuff. 526 00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:46,931 O-of course. 527 00:19:46,932 --> 00:19:48,889 - Sure. - Of course. If--if you need anything at all... 528 00:19:48,890 --> 00:19:50,036 You just call us. 529 00:19:50,354 --> 00:19:52,109 I'll probably need some more condoms soon. 530 00:19:52,110 --> 00:19:53,246 Not funny. 531 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,205 I'm sending you some Care Bear sheets. 532 00:19:55,652 --> 00:19:56,724 Anyway, 533 00:19:57,090 --> 00:19:59,914 I should probably get going. We have orientation at 7:00 a.m. 534 00:20:00,226 --> 00:20:01,682 G-good luck with that, sweetie. 535 00:20:03,752 --> 00:20:04,968 I love you, guys. 536 00:20:06,062 --> 00:20:07,294 We love you, too, honey. 537 00:20:08,372 --> 00:20:09,724 So, so much. 538 00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,030 Bye. 539 00:20:11,163 --> 00:20:12,226 Bye, Haley. 540 00:20:13,609 --> 00:20:14,736 I'll miss you. 541 00:20:29,338 --> 00:20:33,131 "Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed." 542 00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:35,564 See? 543 00:20:36,215 --> 00:20:39,351 "Older black ladies make the best iced tea." 544 00:20:41,318 --> 00:20:43,782 "Success is 1% inspiration, 545 00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:46,273 "98% perspiration, 546 00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,019 and 2% attention to detail." 547 00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,723 "You can tell a lot about a person 548 00:20:51,724 --> 00:20:53,387 from his biography." 549 00:20:55,162 --> 00:20:57,178 "Watch a sunrise at least once a day." 550 00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:01,298 "If you love something, set it free, 551 00:21:01,622 --> 00:21:02,886 unless it's a tiger." 552 00:21:04,375 --> 00:21:05,856 "If you're ever in jam, 553 00:21:05,857 --> 00:21:07,535 "a crayon scrunched up under your nose 554 00:21:07,536 --> 00:21:09,528 makes a good pretend mustache." 555 00:21:10,272 --> 00:21:11,872 "When life gives you lemonade, 556 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,779 "make lemons. 557 00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:15,757 Life will be all like, 'what?!'" 558 00:21:15,957 --> 00:21:23,457 Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg www.addic7ed.com 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net