1
00:00:04,519 --> 00:00:08,716
Come on, boys!
It's leap day, not sleep day!

2
00:00:10,350 --> 00:00:13,038
I love leap day!

3
00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:14,844
It's kind of a big deal
in the Dunphy house.

4
00:00:14,845 --> 00:00:16,479
This year, we even
got Manny involved.

5
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:19,135
You're given this gift
of 24 extra hours.

6
00:00:19,136 --> 00:00:20,895
You can't waste it
at work or school.

7
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:22,638
You have to do
something extraordinary,

8
00:00:22,639 --> 00:00:24,448
- something shocking.
- Mm.

9
00:00:24,687 --> 00:00:28,204
This year, the entire family
is taking a trapeze class.

10
00:00:28,205 --> 00:00:29,499
How extraordinary is that?

11
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:30,446
It was my idea.

12
00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:31,622
How shocking is that?

13
00:00:31,623 --> 00:00:33,964
I can be spontaneous every four years.

14
00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:35,201
I can't wait.

15
00:00:35,432 --> 00:00:36,899
Leap day is stupid.

16
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:39,075
You're not understanding
the logic behind it.

17
00:00:39,303 --> 00:00:43,161
A year is actually 365.25 days.

18
00:00:43,162 --> 00:00:45,376
Every four years, we gain one day.

19
00:00:45,377 --> 00:00:48,018
If we didn't adjust the
calendar in, say, 40 years,

20
00:00:48,061 --> 00:00:50,666
February would almost be January.

21
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:54,637
That's not my problem, and
it's definitely not your problem.

22
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:55,272
Look at this.

23
00:00:55,273 --> 00:00:58,146
The housekeeper turned
another one of my whites pink.

24
00:00:58,186 --> 00:01:00,134
I can't wear this to a sports bar.

25
00:01:00,135 --> 00:01:02,247
Mm, they're to going to
be looking at you, Jay.

26
00:01:02,248 --> 00:01:03,986
Somebody's feeling pretty
good about herself.

27
00:01:03,987 --> 00:01:05,897
They're going to be
watching the match.

28
00:01:06,323 --> 00:01:07,875
You meant you a little bit.

29
00:01:09,462 --> 00:01:10,697
Okay, put it in there.

30
00:01:10,889 --> 00:01:12,122
All right, very quietly,

31
00:01:12,123 --> 00:01:15,676
we're gonna go to daddy's
bedroom, open the door,

32
00:01:15,677 --> 00:01:17,020
and-- Aah!

33
00:01:18,699 --> 00:01:20,238
Happy Birthday to me.

34
00:01:20,239 --> 00:01:22,786
I'm 10! 40!

35
00:01:22,847 --> 00:01:24,359
I was born February 29th,

36
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:25,909
and there have been
ten of those...

37
00:01:25,910 --> 00:01:28,500
In my lifetime, therefore I'm 10!

38
00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:29,415
It's fun.

39
00:01:29,416 --> 00:01:31,226
It's so much fun.

40
00:01:31,387 --> 00:01:33,665
Anyway, I-I've spent
the last four years

41
00:01:33,666 --> 00:01:35,793
trying to figure to what kind
of party to throw this one.

42
00:01:35,794 --> 00:01:37,102
Oh, honey, you know I'd be fine

43
00:01:37,103 --> 00:01:39,171
with just a nice casual
evening at home with you.

44
00:01:39,172 --> 00:01:40,525
Don't--don't even.

45
00:01:40,613 --> 00:01:42,705
No. No! That's what he said last time.

46
00:01:44,411 --> 00:01:46,809
Okay, birthday boy, what's it gonna be--

47
00:01:46,810 --> 00:01:48,450
rom com or horror?

48
00:01:48,451 --> 00:01:50,696
Or we can do both and watch
"maid in Manhattan."

49
00:01:50,925 --> 00:01:51,953
Whatcha doing?

50
00:01:52,061 --> 00:01:53,604
Canceling our baby.

51
00:02:07,287 --> 00:02:09,922
Okay, love to dad. Bye! Mwah!

52
00:02:12,812 --> 00:02:14,464
Daddy, what are you doing?

53
00:02:14,465 --> 00:02:16,172
Yeah, daddy, what are you doing?

54
00:02:16,757 --> 00:02:19,476
Snooping for hints about
your birthday? Wow.

55
00:02:19,477 --> 00:02:20,613
No, I-- come on.

56
00:02:20,614 --> 00:02:23,291
No, I'm just excited,
and I wanna be helpful.

57
00:02:23,292 --> 00:02:25,108
I know party planning isn't your thing.

58
00:02:25,109 --> 00:02:26,162
Wow.

59
00:02:26,529 --> 00:02:28,292
Y-you need to trust me, cam.

60
00:02:28,293 --> 00:02:29,874
I know, and I do.

61
00:02:29,969 --> 00:02:31,986
It's not like you're
gonna do anything tired,

62
00:02:31,987 --> 00:02:33,731
like appletinis or ice sculptures.

63
00:02:33,732 --> 00:02:35,367
Or synthetic napkins
or anything mylar.

64
00:02:35,368 --> 00:02:36,562
Cam, that's enough!

65
00:02:36,563 --> 00:02:38,850
I've been paying for your
last party for four years.

66
00:02:38,851 --> 00:02:40,668
And I find it a little insulting

67
00:02:40,669 --> 00:02:42,421
that you don't think
I can pull this off.

68
00:02:42,422 --> 00:02:43,361
You know what?

69
00:02:44,239 --> 00:02:46,090
I trust you. I'm letting go.

70
00:02:46,091 --> 00:02:47,651
- Okay.
- Okay?

71
00:02:48,164 --> 00:02:49,291
You know orange is over, right?

72
00:02:49,292 --> 00:02:51,089
It's a simple party. I can do it.

73
00:02:51,090 --> 00:02:52,219
Simple.

74
00:02:52,950 --> 00:02:54,105
Perfect.

75
00:02:54,887 --> 00:02:56,955
Yeah, just a simple party.

76
00:02:56,988 --> 00:03:00,477
I'm simply taking Cam's favorite
movie, "The Wizard of Oz,"

77
00:03:00,478 --> 00:03:03,612
and turning our house into
an Oz-themed extravaganza--

78
00:03:03,613 --> 00:03:07,077
yellow brick carpet,
waitstaff in full costume,

79
00:03:07,078 --> 00:03:09,286
and custom-made Ruby slippers for Cam.

80
00:03:09,329 --> 00:03:10,765
Whazzup?!

81
00:03:11,023 --> 00:03:12,483
So is this safe?

82
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,350
It's a trapeze.

83
00:03:13,351 --> 00:03:16,395
Relax. More people are killed
by knife-wielding strangers

84
00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:18,109
than from trapezing.

85
00:03:18,318 --> 00:03:20,073
I'm thinking about going home now.

86
00:03:26,546 --> 00:03:27,986
Honey, are you okay?

87
00:03:28,226 --> 00:03:29,413
I'm fine.

88
00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:30,932
I'm watching...

89
00:03:31,190 --> 00:03:32,599
It's so sad.

90
00:03:34,886 --> 00:03:36,939
Oh, no. Not today.

91
00:03:37,388 --> 00:03:38,217
What's wrong?

92
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,181
Nothing. No, your mom's just, uh...

93
00:03:40,674 --> 00:03:41,514
Feeling emotional.

94
00:03:41,515 --> 00:03:44,475
She was like this last month
and the month before

95
00:03:44,561 --> 00:03:45,708
and the month before.

96
00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:47,450
What?! I could kill someone!

97
00:03:47,451 --> 00:03:48,999
No, I can't hear you!

98
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,476
This stupid phone gets no reception
in this stupid house! Aah!

99
00:03:54,589 --> 00:03:55,598
Dear God, no.

100
00:03:55,898 --> 00:03:57,235
I'd heard rumors.

101
00:03:57,590 --> 00:03:59,227
Yeah, we all had,

102
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,955
that females living or
working in close quarters

103
00:04:01,956 --> 00:04:04,792
could eventually get on the same... cycle.

104
00:04:04,793 --> 00:04:06,658
But I always assumed that
was a story designed

105
00:04:06,659 --> 00:04:08,640
to keep women out of submarine corps.

106
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,576
This isn't milk.
What's wrong with me today?

107
00:04:13,577 --> 00:04:15,246
My brain's not working right.

108
00:04:15,247 --> 00:04:16,293
No.

109
00:04:16,672 --> 00:04:18,001
I can't focus...

110
00:04:19,186 --> 00:04:20,569
Three legs?

111
00:04:20,806 --> 00:04:22,091
It's not fair.

112
00:04:22,092 --> 00:04:23,115
I know.

113
00:04:23,116 --> 00:04:24,601
Oh, no! It's sad.

114
00:04:24,982 --> 00:04:27,114
Oh, my God.
They're gonna ruin everything.

115
00:04:27,115 --> 00:04:29,947
No. We--we just need to be extra sensitive.

116
00:04:29,948 --> 00:04:31,637
Phil, honey, when do we need to leave?

117
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:34,017
Whenever's good for you, sweetie.
Maybe 20 minutes?

118
00:04:34,018 --> 00:04:35,409
- 20 minutes?!
- Then which one is it, Phil?

119
00:04:35,410 --> 00:04:38,743
Is it whenever it's good for
me or is it 20 minutes?!

120
00:04:38,744 --> 00:04:40,025
Whenever you're ready!

121
00:04:40,576 --> 00:04:43,098
It happened-- Satan's trifecta.

122
00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:51,822
They're gonna ruin trapezing.

123
00:04:51,823 --> 00:04:53,223
I bet they don't even catch me.

124
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,089
Why are you so afraid of them?
They're reasonable.

125
00:04:56,090 --> 00:04:57,649
Why don't we just suggest they stay home,

126
00:04:57,650 --> 00:04:59,658
- considering they're all on
their menst-- - Shh!

127
00:04:59,872 --> 00:05:01,828
The first rule of dealing with the cycle--

128
00:05:01,986 --> 00:05:03,323
you never mention the cycle.

129
00:05:03,324 --> 00:05:04,695
You tiptoe around it.

130
00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:07,337
The woman's actually taken great pains

131
00:05:07,338 --> 00:05:09,621
to hide the monster she's become.

132
00:05:09,622 --> 00:05:12,749
But if you acknowledge it,
that brings the monster forth.

133
00:05:12,750 --> 00:05:14,095
My God.

134
00:05:14,301 --> 00:05:15,840
And there's three of them.

135
00:05:15,841 --> 00:05:16,920
It's okay.

136
00:05:17,739 --> 00:05:19,056
I have a plan.

137
00:05:19,996 --> 00:05:22,641
It's kind of traditional
for people to lean in

138
00:05:22,642 --> 00:05:24,477
when somebody says, "I have a plan."

139
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,033
Okay...

140
00:05:27,034 --> 00:05:31,281
Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja!

141
00:05:31,282 --> 00:05:32,400
Ooh! No!

142
00:05:32,401 --> 00:05:34,466
Si! Si! Si! Si!

143
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:36,780
Goal!

144
00:05:36,781 --> 00:05:39,219
Goal!

145
00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:41,681
You should call your
country "the never-lands"

146
00:05:41,682 --> 00:05:43,876
- because you're never-- - Ja, because
we are never going to win.

147
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,362
You said that a billion times.

148
00:05:45,363 --> 00:05:46,599
Just go home.

149
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:48,969
Why don't you Dutch people go home?

150
00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:51,263
Someone should shut your Colombian mouth!

151
00:05:51,264 --> 00:05:53,677
- Okay, I wanna see you try!
- Uh, is there a problem over here?

152
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:56,359
Yes. There is a problem,
and you're married to her.

153
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,618
Really? Well, let me make a suggestion.

154
00:05:59,519 --> 00:06:01,666
Why don't you sit down,
I send you over a beer,

155
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,179
my wife and I watch from over there?

156
00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:05,074
That way, everybody enjoys the game--

157
00:06:05,087 --> 00:06:08,052
except me, 'cause I prefer a
game where something happens.

158
00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:09,614
Gloria, let's go.

159
00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:11,714
Let's go.

160
00:06:13,795 --> 00:06:16,231
I thought you were going to
punch that guy back there.

161
00:06:16,232 --> 00:06:18,036
Ah, I got 60 pounds on the kid.

162
00:06:18,037 --> 00:06:22,048
Yeah. It's just that I've heard so
many stories about you fighting.

163
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,592
And-- it's not worth the trouble.

164
00:06:23,730 --> 00:06:26,283
Yeah, and he has all those friends and...

165
00:06:26,284 --> 00:06:27,783
Well, his friends had
nothing to do with it.

166
00:06:27,784 --> 00:06:29,843
I mean, sometimes it's better
to take the high road.

167
00:06:29,844 --> 00:06:31,964
Yeah, it's better that you walked away.

168
00:06:33,214 --> 00:06:34,377
Gloria, I get-- I get the impression

169
00:06:34,378 --> 00:06:36,822
- you're disappointed I didn't
punch that guy. - Of course not.

170
00:06:36,823 --> 00:06:40,736
Who needs all that manly,
protect-your-woman stuff?

171
00:06:40,737 --> 00:06:42,703
- No, see, like, right there.
- You're saying one thing,

172
00:06:42,872 --> 00:06:44,448
but it feels like you mean the opposite.

173
00:06:44,449 --> 00:06:46,162
- No.
- That's a "yes."

174
00:06:46,442 --> 00:06:48,773
Look, Jay, I just came to watch the game.

175
00:06:48,774 --> 00:06:50,665
- I don't want to fight.
- Neither do I.

176
00:06:51,603 --> 00:06:52,559
I know.

177
00:06:53,745 --> 00:06:55,266
So in keeping with the film,

178
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:56,905
this area will be in black and white,

179
00:06:56,906 --> 00:07:00,060
and then an explosion of technicolor.

180
00:07:00,227 --> 00:07:02,562
Best part--as the guests are coming in...

181
00:07:02,788 --> 00:07:05,030
Auntie em! Auntie em!

182
00:07:05,821 --> 00:07:07,353
A simulated tornado.

183
00:07:07,354 --> 00:07:08,821
Yeah. Oh, he's gonna love that.

184
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,814
- So the appletinis are canceled...
- Yes.

185
00:07:10,815 --> 00:07:12,584
The little Toto dog is ordered, and...

186
00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:15,377
Please tell me that you are
not mixing punch in costume!

187
00:07:17,753 --> 00:07:20,350
Oh, no! W-what is Cam doing home?

188
00:07:21,576 --> 00:07:22,767
- Hey.
- Hey.

189
00:07:22,768 --> 00:07:23,262
We're the monkeys.

190
00:07:23,263 --> 00:07:25,738
Yes, hi. Hi. Come on inside.
Quickly, quickly.

191
00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:28,020
Hi. Okay, one second.

192
00:07:28,504 --> 00:07:30,101
Hey! Whatcha doing home?

193
00:07:30,102 --> 00:07:31,569
Are you checking on me
and the party again?

194
00:07:31,570 --> 00:07:33,225
No, no. I left my cell
phone in your car

195
00:07:33,226 --> 00:07:34,346
and I gotta be in touch
with mama today.

196
00:07:34,347 --> 00:07:36,503
She's talking to the insurance
agency for the first time

197
00:07:36,504 --> 00:07:38,716
to see if they're gonna
rebuild grandpa's farm.

198
00:07:38,717 --> 00:07:39,699
Rebuild the...

199
00:07:40,606 --> 00:07:41,999
Because of the tornado.

200
00:07:42,739 --> 00:07:44,215
I totally missed the connection.

201
00:07:44,216 --> 00:07:46,239
A month after the
most devastating twister

202
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:49,673
to ever hit Cam's hometown,
I throw a party

203
00:07:49,674 --> 00:07:52,542
based on gay cinema's
most famous tornado.

204
00:07:53,852 --> 00:07:56,018
Yeah, you know, it's been a month,

205
00:07:56,019 --> 00:07:58,845
and she hasn't heard anything,
and she's just beside herself.

206
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,381
And then you know what else?

207
00:08:00,382 --> 00:08:01,873
Lily succumbed to her injuries.

208
00:08:01,874 --> 00:08:04,288
- Your aunt Lily died?
- No, the family pig.

209
00:08:04,339 --> 00:08:05,391
Aunt Lily was a...

210
00:08:05,523 --> 00:08:06,910
We named our daughter after a pig?

211
00:08:06,911 --> 00:08:09,611
Could you just witness
my pain instead of criticizing?

212
00:08:09,612 --> 00:08:11,744
I just want to be in touch
with my family today,

213
00:08:11,745 --> 00:08:14,863
get all this tornado stuff
behind me so I can enjoy...

214
00:08:14,864 --> 00:08:17,868
The fabulous party
you're planning for me!

215
00:08:17,869 --> 00:08:19,282
Yeah! You gotta get outta here!

216
00:08:19,283 --> 00:08:20,811
- Okay. Hey, listen. Hey, Cam?
- Yeah?

217
00:08:20,812 --> 00:08:23,352
You just call your family,
tell them I said "hi."

218
00:08:23,353 --> 00:08:25,617
And don't worry about being
back at 6:00 on the dot.

219
00:08:25,618 --> 00:08:26,732
There's a little breathing room.

220
00:08:26,733 --> 00:08:28,406
Oh, what, are you kidding me?

221
00:08:28,527 --> 00:08:29,854
- Mnh-mnh.
- The sooner I can start to party,

222
00:08:29,855 --> 00:08:31,462
the sooner I can start to forget.

223
00:08:31,917 --> 00:08:32,554
But then again,

224
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:35,529
hey, if you keep running from
every reminder of the tornado,

225
00:08:35,530 --> 00:08:36,970
doesn't the tornado win?

226
00:08:36,971 --> 00:08:39,049
Mitchell, my grandpa runs to
his pickup truck every morning

227
00:08:39,050 --> 00:08:41,273
because he thinks the pitchfork
is gonna come back down.

228
00:08:41,274 --> 00:08:43,287
The tornado always wins.

229
00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:46,447
Okay, well, it's gonna
be so much fun tonight!

230
00:08:46,448 --> 00:08:48,409
I know! The big 1-0!

231
00:08:48,410 --> 00:08:49,542
4-0!

232
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:50,764
Hey, Mitchell!

233
00:08:51,479 --> 00:08:53,781
- I'm over here! But you didn't!
- I could've hit you!

234
00:08:53,782 --> 00:08:55,032
I'm doing my "I love ya" dance.

235
00:08:55,033 --> 00:08:57,085
Okay, I'm doing
my "I love you" car dance.

236
00:08:57,086 --> 00:08:58,352
Look at you!

237
00:08:58,353 --> 00:09:01,113
- I do the best moves!
- Stop that! Okay! Go!

238
00:09:01,114 --> 00:09:01,947
I got-- this is dangerous.

239
00:09:01,948 --> 00:09:02,778
Okay, okay. Go.

240
00:09:02,779 --> 00:09:03,637
Get out of here, you. Out!

241
00:09:03,638 --> 00:09:05,211
It's my birthday!

242
00:09:07,036 --> 00:09:09,563
All right, guys, come here.
We need to talk.

243
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,311
- There they are.
- Stop rushing us!

244
00:09:15,796 --> 00:09:17,106
Buddy, what's wrong?

245
00:09:17,107 --> 00:09:19,898
Yes, you've been
a little off all morning.

246
00:09:19,899 --> 00:09:22,183
I've been feeling
a lot of stress lately.

247
00:09:22,184 --> 00:09:24,584
My head's all foggy, and
I'm kind of emotional.

248
00:09:24,585 --> 00:09:26,703
Oh. Well, I sure hope
you feel better soon

249
00:09:26,704 --> 00:09:29,478
'cause you really need your wits
about you when you're trapezing.

250
00:09:30,267 --> 00:09:32,488
This is weird because the three of us

251
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,097
haven't exactly been feeling
our best today either.

252
00:09:35,098 --> 00:09:35,861
- Really?
- Mm.

253
00:09:35,862 --> 00:09:37,380
I can't find my other sock!

254
00:09:37,381 --> 00:09:39,123
Try looking under
the one you have one.

255
00:09:39,124 --> 00:09:41,825
I am not you. I don't do that. See?

256
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:44,352
Oh, God, I am you.

257
00:09:45,553 --> 00:09:47,929
Would you mind if
we sat out trapezing?

258
00:09:47,930 --> 00:09:48,588
- Really?
- Yeah.

259
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:49,912
Are you sure? Okay.

260
00:09:50,284 --> 00:09:51,553
Why does he do that?

261
00:09:51,554 --> 00:09:52,688
Every month.

262
00:09:52,689 --> 00:09:54,793
Yeah, I get a little moody,

263
00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,458
but unrelenting physical discomfort

264
00:09:56,459 --> 00:09:58,005
will do that to a person.

265
00:09:58,488 --> 00:09:59,467
Doesn't he know

266
00:09:59,468 --> 00:10:01,757
that tiptoeing around
someone like they're crazy

267
00:10:01,758 --> 00:10:03,020
makes them crazy?

268
00:10:03,288 --> 00:10:04,510
All right, you and Manny go ahead.

269
00:10:04,511 --> 00:10:06,693
- Luke can just stay here with us.
- Wait. What?

270
00:10:06,694 --> 00:10:08,290
Luke's actually looking better.

271
00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:10,470
- I am better.
- Well, let's not take any chances.

272
00:10:10,471 --> 00:10:12,943
- He can stay here. You go ahead.
- Dad?

273
00:10:12,944 --> 00:10:14,668
- Um, I...
- Daddy?

274
00:10:14,679 --> 00:10:16,047
See you later, buddy.

275
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:17,769
What are we going to do?

276
00:10:17,770 --> 00:10:19,452
We leave no man behind.

277
00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:21,016
I think I'm just gonna go home.

278
00:10:23,116 --> 00:10:23,845
We have time.

279
00:10:23,846 --> 00:10:26,299
Just take down the decorations
and have a normal party.

280
00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:27,823
Yeah, and throw a boring
party in our house

281
00:10:27,824 --> 00:10:29,836
that looks like I just threw
it together this afternoon?

282
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,688
- Think!
- Okay, we have a few options.

283
00:10:31,689 --> 00:10:33,539
I can get you
the back room at Amelia's.

284
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:34,836
Spilled juice on the owner's white rug

285
00:10:34,837 --> 00:10:36,414
and almost killed her toddler. Next.

286
00:10:36,415 --> 00:10:37,111
Bowling alley?

287
00:10:37,112 --> 00:10:38,696
Not classy enough.
What have you got?

288
00:10:38,697 --> 00:10:40,106
- Uh...
- You're no help. You.

289
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,323
Well, last weekend,
I did a party on a boat.

290
00:10:42,698 --> 00:10:44,116
You said you were visiting your parents.

291
00:10:44,117 --> 00:10:44,989
Shh! You're suffocating me.

292
00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:46,505
What's this boat? Tell me about the boat.

293
00:10:46,506 --> 00:10:49,027
Okay, we did an elegant dinner
party on a luxury yacht

294
00:10:49,028 --> 00:10:50,013
for about 25 people.

295
00:10:50,014 --> 00:10:52,711
It takes you around the harbor,
dancing under the moonlight.

296
00:10:52,712 --> 00:10:55,631
Okay, okay. Uh, maybe we can--
we can make a theme out of this.

297
00:10:55,632 --> 00:10:57,634
You know, Cam's life
is like a long voyage.

298
00:10:57,635 --> 00:11:00,630
Sometimes choppy but--but
always forward, ever forward.

299
00:11:00,631 --> 00:11:02,180
- We have two hours.
- Book it.

300
00:11:04,350 --> 00:11:06,919
Hey, you survived trapeze class, huh?

301
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:07,788
Didn't happen,

302
00:11:07,789 --> 00:11:10,214
and common decency prevents
me from telling you why.

303
00:11:10,988 --> 00:11:11,978
How was the soccer match?

304
00:11:11,979 --> 00:11:13,794
Thrilling. 1-1 tie.

305
00:11:13,980 --> 00:11:15,542
One of the goals was an accident.

306
00:11:15,543 --> 00:11:16,895
I'm sure my mom was happy you went.

307
00:11:16,896 --> 00:11:18,510
I don't know
what to make of her today.

308
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,761
She got into it with this guy,

309
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,205
and I swear she was pushing
me into a fight with him.

310
00:11:22,694 --> 00:11:23,987
Now is that something she'd want?

311
00:11:23,988 --> 00:11:24,976
I don't know.

312
00:11:25,076 --> 00:11:27,582
I always thought of women
as the more evolved sex.

313
00:11:27,583 --> 00:11:29,837
But after today... I've seen things, Jay.

314
00:11:29,838 --> 00:11:31,699
'Cause, you know, I had
my share of fights in my time.

315
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:32,681
You know that.

316
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,489
Mmm! Mm. Mm. It's too warm for me.

317
00:11:36,727 --> 00:11:38,905
Yeah, I remember this time I was
crossing the street with Dede,

318
00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:41,122
and some jackass almost clipped her.

319
00:11:41,215 --> 00:11:43,493
I had the guy on the ground,
my foot on his neck,

320
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:45,071
before the car stopped moving.

321
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,928
Yeah, we've heard all those stories.

322
00:11:46,929 --> 00:11:49,195
Maybe my mom wouldn't mind
a glimpse of that Jay.

323
00:11:50,514 --> 00:11:51,373
That's her.

324
00:11:51,374 --> 00:11:53,187
She wants me to help
pick out Cam's gift.

325
00:11:53,188 --> 00:11:55,457
I'm still that guy, you know. 100%.

326
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:57,935
What the hell?
How do you cut your finger on a cracker?

327
00:11:57,936 --> 00:11:59,705
Anyway, if I thought there
was a fight worth fighting,

328
00:11:59,706 --> 00:12:00,743
I'd fight it.

329
00:12:00,744 --> 00:12:03,520
Ow! Now I got salt in this.
That stings!

330
00:12:08,576 --> 00:12:10,730
Next time, don't scream at your boss

331
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,722
so that he doesn't make you
work during the weekends.

332
00:12:12,723 --> 00:12:15,519
And you can come to see your son!

333
00:12:15,548 --> 00:12:16,763
Si. Adios.

334
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,583
Hey, mom. Who were you yelling at?

335
00:12:19,979 --> 00:12:21,422
Your father, baby.

336
00:12:21,815 --> 00:12:23,585
He cannot make it this weekend.

337
00:12:26,753 --> 00:12:28,169
Okay, I admit it.

338
00:12:28,170 --> 00:12:32,138
I wanted Jay to kick that little
Dutch man's ass at the bar.

339
00:12:32,516 --> 00:12:34,604
But two seconds
on the phone with Javier,

340
00:12:34,605 --> 00:12:38,655
and I remember what that stupid
hothead behavior gets you-

341
00:12:38,917 --> 00:12:39,901
Nothing.

342
00:12:40,011 --> 00:12:42,298
It's better to be calm like Jay.

343
00:12:42,417 --> 00:12:44,044
Like Jay and me.

344
00:12:45,258 --> 00:12:46,371
Like Jay.

345
00:12:48,575 --> 00:12:49,802
I'm back!

346
00:12:50,024 --> 00:12:53,029
Wouldn't you know, I forgot
my ding-dang sunglasses.

347
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,635
Luke, could you give me a hand?

348
00:12:56,636 --> 00:12:59,744
What were the chances that Phil
had come back to apologize

349
00:12:59,745 --> 00:13:01,126
for all the game playing

350
00:13:01,127 --> 00:13:03,097
and have an open conversation with me

351
00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:04,619
about what I was feeling?

352
00:13:04,620 --> 00:13:07,732
Okay, I got a bottle of fake blood
out of the Halloween supplies.

353
00:13:08,125 --> 00:13:10,054
Put a dab on your finger,
say you cut it.

354
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:12,564
I say I need to run you by the doctor.
Easy trapezy.

355
00:13:12,565 --> 00:13:13,268
Got it?

356
00:13:13,269 --> 00:13:14,901
See ya on the other side, brother.

357
00:13:15,827 --> 00:13:19,429
Just once, I would like Phil
to have a little empathy,

358
00:13:19,430 --> 00:13:22,465
give me some sense
that he understands

359
00:13:22,466 --> 00:13:23,853
what women go through.

360
00:13:23,992 --> 00:13:25,922
- You feeling any better?
- Mnh-mnh.

361
00:13:25,974 --> 00:13:28,286
Hate to see the whole team on the D.L.

362
00:13:28,287 --> 00:13:29,535
Ow! My finger!

363
00:13:29,607 --> 00:13:31,893
I don't like the sound of that.

364
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:36,564
I said a little bit!

365
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,794
The cap fell off.
I decided to just go with it.

366
00:13:38,795 --> 00:13:40,336
Okay, we gotta get you out the back.

367
00:13:41,269 --> 00:13:43,902
- God, what happened?!
- Oh, it's just a little cut.

368
00:13:43,903 --> 00:13:45,556
But to be safe,
I'll run him by the doctor.

369
00:13:45,557 --> 00:13:47,906
No, are you crazy?! Call 9-1-1!

370
00:13:47,907 --> 00:13:49,173
No, no, they're so busy.

371
00:13:49,174 --> 00:13:51,154
Where's the wound?!
We need to put pressure on it, right?

372
00:13:51,155 --> 00:13:52,380
- I'm gonna be sick!
- My--my finger.

373
00:13:52,381 --> 00:13:54,342
Oh, he needs a tourniquet!
Where do I put it?!

374
00:13:54,343 --> 00:13:56,840
- On my finger. - Stop!
There is nothing wrong with h..

375
00:13:57,073 --> 00:13:59,087
- Luke, what's going on?
- I cut my finger?

376
00:14:00,309 --> 00:14:01,636
- Dad?
- How crazy is that?

377
00:14:01,637 --> 00:14:03,476
They were in my pocket the whole time.
I'll see you.

378
00:14:03,477 --> 00:14:04,477
Phil!

379
00:14:05,251 --> 00:14:06,404
What is going on, Luke?

380
00:14:06,405 --> 00:14:07,562
Dad staged the whole thing

381
00:14:07,563 --> 00:14:09,808
so we could go on the
trapeze without you three.

382
00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:10,880
Why?

383
00:14:10,881 --> 00:14:12,073
Because...

384
00:14:12,282 --> 00:14:13,589
B-because...

385
00:14:13,927 --> 00:14:16,702
Because of this! You're all monster-ating!

386
00:14:16,703 --> 00:14:19,298
- Luke, no! - Are you kidding me?!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my lord.

387
00:14:19,299 --> 00:14:21,640
Sorry! I know you told me
not to say it, but I...

388
00:14:21,641 --> 00:14:22,882
Phil!

389
00:14:22,883 --> 00:14:24,644
Is this what you've
been teaching our son?

390
00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:26,997
That--that women are some
kind of unclean lepers

391
00:14:26,998 --> 00:14:29,573
that should be hidden away
under sheets for a week?

392
00:14:29,574 --> 00:14:31,338
Do you have any idea
how offensive that is?

393
00:14:31,339 --> 00:14:32,752
I do, honey.

394
00:14:32,753 --> 00:14:34,730
And from the bottom of my heart,

395
00:14:34,731 --> 00:14:36,164
I am so...

396
00:14:36,273 --> 00:14:38,385
S-s-scared.

397
00:14:39,069 --> 00:14:40,191
- Ugh!
- Oh, no!

398
00:14:41,498 --> 00:14:42,763
Oh, my.

399
00:14:48,115 --> 00:14:49,305
Okay.

400
00:14:49,368 --> 00:14:51,665
3, 2, 1!

401
00:14:51,666 --> 00:14:53,275
Surprise!

402
00:14:53,276 --> 00:14:55,269
Oh, my gosh! Oh, it's amazing!

403
00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,026
- Yeah, it's a boat party.
- Oh! Because?

404
00:14:57,027 --> 00:14:58,422
Your life is like a voyage.

405
00:14:58,423 --> 00:15:00,599
Oh! Well, everyone's is, but I love it

406
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,747
because none of our other
friends have ever done it.

407
00:15:03,711 --> 00:15:05,685
Aw. That's so sweet.

408
00:15:05,686 --> 00:15:09,652
Oh, it must be easy with no dirty,
broken woman in the relationship.

409
00:15:12,106 --> 00:15:13,194
What are you laughing at?

410
00:15:13,195 --> 00:15:16,093
Okay, everybody follow the birthday flag!

411
00:15:16,094 --> 00:15:18,025
What'd you call me?
Oh. Uh, oh, yes.

412
00:15:18,026 --> 00:15:20,894
Oh, my gosh. It's so elegant.
I'll bet Pepper is dying.

413
00:15:20,895 --> 00:15:22,548
Oh, you know, actually,
Pepper couldn't come

414
00:15:22,549 --> 00:15:24,934
because he hates boats.
You know, after the Navy.

415
00:15:24,935 --> 00:15:26,151
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

416
00:15:26,152 --> 00:15:29,189
I guess longinus got over
his fear of--of water?

417
00:15:29,190 --> 00:15:29,732
Mnh. No, no.

418
00:15:29,733 --> 00:15:31,478
Why don't we just focus on
the 30 people who are here,

419
00:15:31,479 --> 00:15:33,178
having a great time!

420
00:15:33,436 --> 00:15:36,259
Ew! It smells like somebody's dead.

421
00:15:36,260 --> 00:15:37,872
Ugh! What is that smell?

422
00:15:37,905 --> 00:15:40,805
That faint odor is-- is
a tiny, tiny blue whale

423
00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:43,486
who apparently has indeed died, uh, nearby.

424
00:15:43,487 --> 00:15:44,458
But...

425
00:15:44,559 --> 00:15:46,886
Si, but it's getting all over my coat.

426
00:15:46,887 --> 00:15:48,215
I don't smell anything.

427
00:15:48,558 --> 00:15:51,113
Maybe that's because you smell
like a bouquet of flowers.

428
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,546
Oh, yeah. Watch out for that.

429
00:15:53,547 --> 00:15:56,126
Ugh! It smells like puke married poop

430
00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:58,296
and had the ceremony in my nose.

431
00:15:58,297 --> 00:15:59,621
You paint with words.

432
00:15:59,622 --> 00:16:01,039
Okay, don't worry, everybody.

433
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,111
Soon we'll be way, way out
at sea, bouncing on the waves

434
00:16:04,112 --> 00:16:06,803
with all of his sweet-smelling
brothers and sisters. Okay?

435
00:16:06,850 --> 00:16:08,093
- Mitchell Pritchett?
- Oh, yes. Hi.

436
00:16:08,094 --> 00:16:10,127
Hi. I'm your captain tonight.
We've got a problem.

437
00:16:10,128 --> 00:16:11,657
I can't fit this many people on my boat.

438
00:16:11,658 --> 00:16:13,475
No, no. I was--I was
told you could take 30.

439
00:16:13,476 --> 00:16:14,712
I have exactly 30 guests.

440
00:16:14,713 --> 00:16:16,839
Plus six in help.
You gotta drop a few people.

441
00:16:17,542 --> 00:16:19,531
Come on. There--there must be
something that we can do here.

442
00:16:19,532 --> 00:16:20,649
Well, we have bigger boats,

443
00:16:20,650 --> 00:16:22,773
but this is the best I could
do on two hours' notice.

444
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,915
- Please, um...
- What is the problem?

445
00:16:24,945 --> 00:16:27,755
Apparently, Mitchell started planning
my birthday party two hours ago.

446
00:16:27,756 --> 00:16:29,881
Mnh-mnh. No. No, I-I did not.

447
00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:32,668
Uh, apparently, we have too
many people for his boat.

448
00:16:32,669 --> 00:16:34,282
So... that's crazy.

449
00:16:34,283 --> 00:16:37,227
I've seen more people
clinging to a floating door.

450
00:16:37,228 --> 00:16:38,867
I'm sorry, lady. It's a safety issue.

451
00:16:38,868 --> 00:16:40,964
Oh, no. You're going
to have a safety issue

452
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:43,390
if you don't take me away
from this whale.

453
00:16:43,391 --> 00:16:45,270
Okay, little too much finger,
little too much attitude.

454
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:46,071
What's all this?

455
00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:48,730
Uh, two hours of Mitchell's
hard work going down the drain.

456
00:16:48,731 --> 00:16:51,969
Look, I can't fit more than
30 people on the boat,

457
00:16:51,970 --> 00:16:53,594
as I was just explaining to the lady here.

458
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:55,562
Well, first of all,
that "lady" is my son.

459
00:16:55,563 --> 00:16:57,127
He wasn't talking about me.

460
00:16:57,128 --> 00:16:58,444
I was talking about her.

461
00:16:58,445 --> 00:17:00,191
Oh. Her. Oh, it's "her" now.

462
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,333
Well, "her" happens to be my wife.

463
00:17:02,502 --> 00:17:04,860
You got a problem with her,
you got a problem with me.

464
00:17:05,017 --> 00:17:06,313
- No, no, Jay...
- You know...

465
00:17:06,314 --> 00:17:08,002
- Calm down.
- I didn't have a problem before,

466
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:08,882
but now I'm starting to.

467
00:17:08,883 --> 00:17:11,146
No, your problem's about
to get a lot bigger.

468
00:17:11,147 --> 00:17:13,728
No, Jay, I know you think this
is what I want, but it's not.

469
00:17:13,729 --> 00:17:15,451
- I've got this, Gloria.
- No, Jay.

470
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:18,651
I was just being stupid today.
I like that you're calm,

471
00:17:18,652 --> 00:17:21,319
that you think first, and you act second.

472
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,216
I need that in my life.

473
00:17:23,265 --> 00:17:24,802
Yeah, so walk away, grandpa.

474
00:17:24,803 --> 00:17:25,614
You know what?

475
00:17:26,197 --> 00:17:28,331
Nobody call him "grandpa"!

476
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:29,521
I do.

477
00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:31,309
Okay, that's it!

478
00:17:31,408 --> 00:17:34,318
No boat! Everybody off my dock,
or I'm calling the cops!

479
00:17:34,319 --> 00:17:35,694
Wait, w-wait. So no party now?

480
00:17:35,695 --> 00:17:37,467
No! No, of course! Just...

481
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:38,947
Just... just give me a minute okay?

482
00:17:38,948 --> 00:17:40,189
Oh, we, after what
you did with two hours,

483
00:17:40,190 --> 00:17:43,022
- I can't wait to see what
you do with a minute. - Cam!

484
00:17:44,089 --> 00:17:46,008
Poor Cam. He seems so upset.

485
00:17:46,141 --> 00:17:47,286
Oh, is that hard for you, Phil,

486
00:17:47,287 --> 00:17:48,856
that he's have a feeling around you?

487
00:17:48,857 --> 00:17:50,543
- I'm so sorry.
- Too many emotions?

488
00:17:50,550 --> 00:17:52,849
Okay, okay, I give up!

489
00:17:53,702 --> 00:17:56,162
- Yeah, I made a mistake today.
- Mm.

490
00:17:56,181 --> 00:17:58,148
But only because the three
of you ganged up on me

491
00:17:58,149 --> 00:18:00,344
like when the wolfman,
Dracula, and frankenstein

492
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:02,025
show up in the same movie,

493
00:18:02,035 --> 00:18:03,599
except this wasn't awesome!

494
00:18:04,643 --> 00:18:07,190
I have been on an emotional
roller coaster all day today.

495
00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:09,707
I'm afraid. I'm mad.
I'm mad because I'm afraid,

496
00:18:09,708 --> 00:18:10,553
and now I can't even think straight

497
00:18:10,554 --> 00:18:13,018
because I'm in so much pain from
what just happened over there!

498
00:18:13,380 --> 00:18:15,560
And the whole thing makes me so
sad, and I'm not even sure why,

499
00:18:15,561 --> 00:18:18,280
and I'm nauseous from that
smell but I'm so hungry.

500
00:18:22,055 --> 00:18:23,106
Yeah.

501
00:18:25,202 --> 00:18:27,631
Cam, the--the boat wasn't
even part of the plan.

502
00:18:27,632 --> 00:18:28,521
No, it's fine.

503
00:18:28,522 --> 00:18:31,221
It's my fault for letting my
expectations get too high.

504
00:18:31,247 --> 00:18:32,844
- I'll get over this one, too.
- No, no.

505
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:35,378
I had this whole "Wizard of Oz"
party planned,

506
00:18:35,379 --> 00:18:37,329
only today I realized that it might be

507
00:18:37,330 --> 00:18:39,257
a-a little too tornado-y.

508
00:18:39,278 --> 00:18:40,198
- Today?
- Yes!

509
00:18:40,199 --> 00:18:42,292
I'm sorry I-I didn't make
the connection, okay?

510
00:18:42,293 --> 00:18:44,362
Probably 'cause I've been
planning for months

511
00:18:44,363 --> 00:18:46,663
so that you could have
the perfect party and be happy,

512
00:18:46,664 --> 00:18:48,834
which now I don't
even think is possible.

513
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:50,425
Oh, I'm sorry that I would like to have

514
00:18:50,426 --> 00:18:52,536
a nice 10th birthday party.

515
00:18:52,554 --> 00:18:54,015
Well, you can't have it, Cam!

516
00:18:54,016 --> 00:18:56,390
You wanna know why?!
Because you're 40!

517
00:18:56,958 --> 00:18:59,056
You're a 40-year-old man!

518
00:19:02,123 --> 00:19:03,215
I am 40.

519
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,819
- I'm 40.
- Yes.

520
00:19:10,529 --> 00:19:12,057
Oh, Cam, stop it.

521
00:19:12,058 --> 00:19:15,634
I'm 40 and I'm--I'm on this
stupid--wait, what is that?!

522
00:19:15,635 --> 00:19:16,878
Oh, it's this...

523
00:19:17,598 --> 00:19:18,331
Thing!

524
00:19:18,332 --> 00:19:20,228
Suddenly, it all made sense.

525
00:19:20,229 --> 00:19:23,205
Cam's craziness all day
wasn't about a party.

526
00:19:23,206 --> 00:19:24,976
It was about turning 40.

527
00:19:25,015 --> 00:19:28,738
And once he realized that,
everything got much worse.

528
00:19:28,889 --> 00:19:31,622
- I've done nothing with my life!
- Oh, w--stop it.

529
00:19:31,623 --> 00:19:33,278
Come on. How--how can you say that?

530
00:19:33,279 --> 00:19:36,147
You're--you're a wonderful father. You...

531
00:19:36,148 --> 00:19:38,395
You--you graduated from clown college.

532
00:19:38,396 --> 00:19:40,277
You've been to France.

533
00:19:40,830 --> 00:19:43,314
I don't want to be 40. It's not fair!

534
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:44,621
- I know.
- Nothing's fair.

535
00:19:45,456 --> 00:19:47,026
2 Miles from here is an amusement park

536
00:19:47,027 --> 00:19:49,644
full of happy families
swinging on a trapeze.

537
00:19:50,735 --> 00:19:53,129
That's all I wanted for
my special bonus day.

538
00:19:57,105 --> 00:19:58,074
What?

539
00:19:58,163 --> 00:19:59,371
I'd been trying so hard

540
00:19:59,372 --> 00:20:01,516
to figure out what Cam
wanted for his birthday.

541
00:20:02,831 --> 00:20:04,540
He'd been telling me all along.

542
00:20:05,512 --> 00:20:06,756
He wanted to be 10.

543
00:20:17,442 --> 00:20:19,586
Seriously? There's nothing you can do?

544
00:20:19,738 --> 00:20:21,729
I'm sorry. You just missed the cutoff.

545
00:20:21,730 --> 00:20:23,016
How about we see you next time?

546
00:20:23,576 --> 00:20:26,983
How about you make an exception
and strap him in there?

547
00:20:26,984 --> 00:20:29,299
Yeah, we're, like, ten minutes
past your deadline, anyway.

548
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,073
And you don't want
to make us angry today.

549
00:20:31,074 --> 00:20:32,996
- Ladies, uh, I really can't
make any exceptions. - "Ladies"?

550
00:20:32,997 --> 00:20:37,827
- Seriously, Pete?
- No, I don't think "ladies"...

551
00:20:37,828 --> 00:20:41,294
And that was
how they apologized to me.

552
00:20:41,302 --> 00:20:43,544
- Whoo!
- Come on, Phil!

553
00:20:43,545 --> 00:20:46,400
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Ohh!
Oh, God, Phil!

554
00:20:47,464 --> 00:20:48,885
Aah! You did it!

555
00:20:48,937 --> 00:20:51,901
At least, I-I think it was.
I could never ask them.

556
00:20:56,866 --> 00:20:58,226
This is so satisfying!

557
00:20:58,227 --> 00:20:59,923
Best I've felt all day!

558
00:21:01,951 --> 00:21:05,098
Can I rent one of these on a monthly basis?

559
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,369
Ohh, ha ha! Yes!

560
00:21:08,370 --> 00:21:10,152
Oh, yay!

561
00:21:11,367 --> 00:21:13,103
Best 40th birthday party ever.

562
00:21:13,104 --> 00:21:15,456
No, no. 10th.

563
00:21:15,485 --> 00:21:17,158
- Really?
- Yeah.

564
00:21:17,159 --> 00:21:19,079
In fact, you're still that
sexy little 8 year old

565
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:20,463
I fell in love with.

566
00:21:23,510 --> 00:21:25,537
Oh, um... no, just go.

567
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:28,750
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