1
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,629
[Claire]
Kids, breakfast!

2
00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:08,049
Kids? [Sighs]
Phil, would you get them?
[Video Game Sounds]

3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:10,510
Yeah. Just a sec.

4
00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,887
Kids!

5
00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:15,431
That is-
Okay.

6
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,893
Kids? Get down here!

7
00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:22,063
Why are you guys yelling at us
when we're way upstairs?

8
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,524
Just text me.
All right.
That's not gonna happen.

9
00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,567
And, wow! You're not
wearing that outfit.

10
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:29,153
What's wrong with it?
Honey, do you have anything
to say to your daughter...

11
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:31,823
about her skirt?
Sorry.

12
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,617
- Oh, yeah. That looks
really cute, sweetheart.
- Thanks.

13
00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:38,413
No. It's way too short.
People know you're a girl.
You don't need to prove it to them.

14
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,832
Luke got his head stuck
in the banister again.

15
00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,042
I got it.
Where's the baby oil?

16
00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:46,671
It's on our bedside tab-
I don't know. Find it.

17
00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:49,716
Come on!

18
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,802
I was out of control
growing up.

19
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,804
There, you know? I said it.

20
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,557
I-I just don't want my kids...

21
00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:59,350
to make the same bad mistakes
I made.

22
00:00:59,435 --> 00:01:03,563
I-If Haley never wakes up on
a beach in Florida, half-naked,

23
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,523
I've done my job.

24
00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,317
Our job.
Right.

25
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,319
I've done our job.

26
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,864
¡Vamos, Manny!
Kick it! Kick it!

27
00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:14,615
Don't let him-
Kick it!

28
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:17,535
Manny, go!
¡A la derecha! ¡A la derecha!

29
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:20,037
No! No, no.

30
00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:22,415
- He tripped him, Jay.
Where's the penalty?
- [Whistle Blows]

31
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:25,042
Gloria, they're 0 and 6.
Let's take it down a notch.

32
00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:27,628
[Chuckles]
We're very different.

33
00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:29,881
Jay's from the city.

34
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:32,467
He has a big business.

35
00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:34,761
I come from a small village.

36
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:37,263
Very poor but very,
very beautiful.

37
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,266
It's the number one village
in all Colombia for all the-

38
00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,976
What's the word?

39
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,605
Murders.
Yes. The murders.

40
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,440
Manny, stop him!

41
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:50,359
Stop him!
You can do it!

42
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:55,782
[Boy]
Damn it, Manny!

43
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:58,409
Come on, Coach.
You gotta take that kid out.

44
00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:01,204
You wanna take him out?
How about I take you out?

45
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,540
- Honey, honey.
- Why don't you
worry about your son?

46
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,543
He spent the first half
with his hand in his pants!

47
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,171
[Mouths Word]

48
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,049
I've wanted to tell her off
for the last six weeks.

49
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,219
I'm Josh.
Ryan's dad.

50
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,888
Hi, I'm Gloria Pritchett.
Manny's mother.

51
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,182
- Oh, and this must be your dad.
- Her dad?

52
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,558
Yeah.
No, no. That's funny.

53
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,185
Actually, no,
I'm her husband.

54
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,395
Don't be fooled by the, uh-

55
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,397
Give me a second here.

56
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:33,152
Who is a good girl?
Who's that?

57
00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:34,862
Who's that?

58
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,949
- Oh, she's adorable.
- Oh, thank you.

59
00:02:38,033 --> 00:02:40,326
Hi, precious.
Hello.

60
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:42,036
[Blows Raspberry]
Hi. Hi.

61
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,956
Uh, we just, uh-
We just adopted her
from Vietnam.

62
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,333
And we're bringing her home
for the first time, huh?

63
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:50,211
She's an angel.
You and your wife
must be thrilled.

64
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:53,047
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Daddy needed snacks.

65
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,341
Hi.

66
00:02:55,425 --> 00:03:00,596
[Grunts]
So, what are we talking about?

67
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:02,932
Uh, we have been together for-

68
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,101
guh, five-
five years now?

69
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:08,145
And, uh, we just-
we decided we really
wanted to have a baby.

70
00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:12,024
So, we had initially asked
one of our lesbian friends
to be a surrogate, but-

71
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,193
Then we figured,
they're already mean enough.

72
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,112
Can you imagine
one of 'em pregnant?
Pregnant, no.

73
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,864
No, thank you. Ick.

74
00:03:17,948 --> 00:03:20,491
You saw that, right?
Everybody fawning over Lily,

75
00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,618
and then you walk on
and suddenly it's all,

76
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,370
"Ooh, SkyMall.

77
00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:26,330
I gotta buy
a motorized tie rack."

78
00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:29,417
All right, you know,
I'm gonna give the speech.
You are not giving the speech.

79
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,878
You're gonna be
stuck with these people
for the next five hours.

80
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,713
You're right, you're right.
Okay. I'm sorry.

81
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:36,632
- Look at that baby
with those cream puffs.
- Okay. Excuse me.

82
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,509
Excuse me.

83
00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:41,596
This baby would have grown up
in a crowded orphanage if it
wasn't for us "cream puffs."

84
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,848
And you know what?
Note to all of you who judge-
Mitchell!

85
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,767
- Hear this. Love knows
no race, creed-
- Mitchell.

86
00:03:46,852 --> 00:03:48,185
Or gender.

87
00:03:48,312 --> 00:03:50,479
And shame on you,
you small-minded, ignorant few-
Mitchell.

88
00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:52,940
Mitchell!
What?

89
00:03:53,025 --> 00:03:55,735
[Whispers]
She's got
the cream puffs.

90
00:03:55,819 --> 00:03:57,778
Oh.

91
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:04,118
We would like to pay
for everyone's headsets.

92
00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,788
[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

93
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:11,876
♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

94
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,962
♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

95
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,884
Buddy. Why do you keep
getting stuck like this?

96
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,594
I thought I could
get out this time.

97
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:26,140
I'm just gonna say it.
He needs to be checked
by a specialist.

98
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:28,601
Ow!
There. Be free.

99
00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:30,686
Excalibur.
[Chuckles]

100
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,647
I'm having a friend over today.
Who?

101
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:36,359
Uh, you don't know him.
Him? Him?

102
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,861
Ooh, a boy.
You gonna kiss him?

103
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:41,197
- Shut up.
- [Phil] Easy. Easy.

104
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,324
Yeah, shut up!
No, you shut up!

105
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,534
- Luke, Alex, why don't you
take it outside, okay?
- And do what?

106
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:48,412
Fight in the sun.
It'll be a nice change.
Haley.

107
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,289
[Phil]
I'm kidding.
Who's the boy?

108
00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:51,999
His name is Dylan.

109
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,751
I might as well tell him
not to come...

110
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,670
because you guys
are just going to
embarrass me again.

111
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,547
Sweetie, hang on a second.

112
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,967
You're 15, and it's the first time
you've had a boy over.

113
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:04,428
I'm bound to be a little surprised,
but I'm not gonna embarrass you.

114
00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:06,681
- I better charge the camcorder.
- [Cries Out]

115
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:10,226
I'm kidding. Come on.
Who are you talking to?

116
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:13,688
I'm the cool dad.
That's- That's my thing.

117
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,523
I'm hip.
I- I surf the Web.

118
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:19,485
I text.
"LOL"- Laugh out loud.
"OMG"- Oh, my God.

119
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,654
"WTF"- Why the face?

120
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:25,616
Um, you know,
I know all the dances to
High School Musical, so-

121
00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:28,786
[With Recording]
♪ We're all in this together ♪

122
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,496
♪ Yes, we are ♪

123
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,833
♪ We're all stars
Something, something
you know it ♪♪

124
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:36,502
[Alex]
Mom! Dad!
[Claire] What happened?

125
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:39,964
Luke just shot me!
I didn't mean to.

126
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,049
Are you okay?
No.

127
00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:44,343
- The little bitch shot me.
- [Chuckles]

128
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:48,264
- Language!
- They're only plastic BBs.
It was an accident.

129
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,891
What did I tell you would happen
if you got him a gun?

130
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,978
Deal with this.
Buddy, uncool.

131
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:58,566
That's it? That's-
No, no, no, no.

132
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:01,777
The agreement was
that if he shoots someone,
you shoot him.

133
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,613
We were serious about that?
Yes, we were.

134
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,907
And now you have to
follow through.

135
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:09,618
- [Crying]
I'm so sorry.
- Liar.

136
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,955
Go.
He's got a birthday party.

137
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,249
- What's more important here, Dad?
- You can shoot him afterwards.

138
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:18,419
He'll be home at 2:00.
I can't shoot him at 2:00.
I'm showing a house at 2:00.

139
00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:21,422
- What about 3:00?
- No, he's got
a soccer game at 3:00.

140
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,884
And then-
Oh, we gotta leave for
that dinner thing at 5:00.

141
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,719
4:15. You could
shoot him at 4:15.

142
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,971
Yeah, I guess that works for me.
Oh!

143
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:32,099
"Shoot Luke."
Sorry, dude.
It's on the calendar.

144
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:34,643
Oh, come on!

145
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,355
I'm quitting soccer.
It is a game for children.

146
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,066
No, you're not quitting.

147
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,943
You would have stopped that goal
if you weren't staring at that little girl.

148
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:46,530
She is not a girl.
She's a woman.

149
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:50,785
You know, Gloria,
that little blowup
with that other mom-

150
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,578
Why do you have to
do things like that?

151
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:55,498
If somebody says something about
my family, I'm going to-
I'm just saying.

152
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,500
You could take it
down here a little bit.
That's all.

153
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,335
Oh, yeah.
'Cause that's where
you live, down here.

154
00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,463
But I live up here!
Yeah, but you don't have to be
so emotional all the time.

155
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:05,216
That's all I'm saying.
Manny, you're with me
on this, right?

156
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,885
I wanna tell Brenda Feldman
I love her.
Oh, for God sakes.

157
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:11,388
Manny, she's 16.
Oh. It's okay for you
to take an older lover?

158
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:14,809
Hey, watch it.
I wanna go to the mall
where she works.

159
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:18,062
But first I need to get
my white shirt, the silk one.

160
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,606
Okay. If that's what
you really want to do.
Seriously.

161
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,776
Not to be the evil stepdad,
but if you put on
a puffy white shirt...

162
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:25,778
and declare your love
for a 16-year-old,

163
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:29,156
you're gonna be swinging
from the flagpole in your
puffy white underpants.

164
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,409
Stop the car.
Oh, where are you going?

165
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,913
[Car Horn Honking]

166
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:40,292
See? You hurt his feelings.
Ah- Well, if it toughens him
up a little bit then-

167
00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:43,003
Oh, geez.
He's picking flowers.

168
00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:46,132
Manny's very passionate,
just like his father.

169
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:50,261
My first husband-
he's very handsome,
but too crazy.

170
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:55,683
It seemed like all we did was
fight and make love, fight and
make love, fight and make love.

171
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:59,436
One time, I'm not kidding you,
we fell out the window together.

172
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:01,397
[Laughing]
Which- Which one
were you doing?

173
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,149
[Chuckles]

174
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,901
I'm hearing this
for the first time.

175
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,362
This doesn't worry you?

176
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,656
She barely slept on the plane
and she's still wide awake.

177
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,701
- Oh, stop worrying.
- I can't.

178
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,661
That- That orphanage
was all women.

179
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,497
Maybe she just- she can't
fall asleep unless she feels
a woman's shape.

180
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:22,084
I guess that's possible.
So here.

181
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,295
What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

182
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:27,548
Yes, I've gained
a few extra pounds while
we were expecting the baby,

183
00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:30,092
which has been
very difficult.

184
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:34,305
But apparently your body does
a nesting, very maternal,
primal thing...

185
00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:38,809
where it retains nutrients-
some sort of
molecular physiology thing.

186
00:08:38,894 --> 00:08:40,769
But that's science.

187
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:44,440
You can't-
You can't fight it, so-

188
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,362
- I'm not saying anything.
- You're saying everything.

189
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:53,199
Count to three.
One, two-

190
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,576
Three.
Okay.

191
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,078
Oh, Cam. This is beautiful.
Oh, my God.
Do you love it?

192
00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,914
Yes, I-

193
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,624
What the hell is that?

194
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:06,170
I had Andre do it
while we were gone.
Is that us, with wings?

195
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,631
We're floating above her,
always there to protect her.

196
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,258
Okay. Well, that's
reassuring, right, Lily?

197
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:14,511
Yes, we tore you away from
everything you know, but don't
worry, things are normal here.

198
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,722
Your fathers
are floating fairies.
No, can you call Andre,

199
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:19,058
have him paint something
a little less gay?

200
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:22,811
By the way, we need
to stop having friends
with names like Andre.

201
00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,939
Redheaded dad
is angry daddy.
No, I'm not.

202
00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,983
Yes, you are.
Even Pepper pointed it out on
the way home from the airport.

203
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,069
Okay, that's another one-
Pepper.

204
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,071
Okay, what's up?

205
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:35,282
All right, look. I-

206
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:39,203
I- I never told my family
we were adopting a baby.

207
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,580
And-
I know.

208
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:45,292
You do?
Yeah, and I don't blame you.
I know your family.

209
00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:47,544
You'd tell 'em. They'd say
something judgmental.

210
00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:49,338
Exactly.
You'd get mad.

211
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,840
I know. And then something that's
supposed to be nothing but joyful...

212
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,550
suddenly turns into this huge fight.

213
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:56,804
And who wants a big,
emotional scene like that?
Thank you. Thank you.

214
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,098
I'm so-
I'm so relieved you understand.

215
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:01,433
I invited them over
for dinner tonight.

216
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,603
What?
I had to.

217
00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,981
This would have gone on forever.
You're an avoider.

218
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,650
No. No. No.
Cam, I'm calling them
right now and canceling.

219
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:13,404
No, you're not.
You're telling your family
you adopted a baby, tonight.

220
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:16,657
And you do have
avoidance issues.
Even Longinus said so.

221
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:19,451
Are- Are you really
not hearing these names?

222
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,498
[Doorbell Rings]
[Haley] Don't answer it!
I'll get it!

223
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,258
Hi.
Hey, you must be Dylan.

224
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,969
Hey.
Dylan. Yeah.
I'm Haley's mother.

225
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,137
Hey.
Mm-hmm.

226
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,472
Come on. Let's go.
[Clears Throat]
Okay. Um-

227
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,933
Hang on one second.
Um- Whoa.

228
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:46,437
Dylan, you're still
in high school?

229
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,939
Yeah, I'm a senior.
A senior.
Okay. Cool.

230
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:53,944
Hey, Phil. Sweetie. Honey.
He is Dylan, and he is a senior.

231
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,780
[Whispers]
You have to scare him.

232
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,616
Let me meet this "playa."

233
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,702
Phil Dunphy, yo.

234
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,250
It's like that. You just-
You just stare down at 'em,

235
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,502
let the eyes do the work.

236
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,504
Your mouth might be saying,
"Hey, we cool,"

237
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,548
but your eyes are like,
"No, we not."

238
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:17,426
"Nice to meet you."
"No, it's not."

239
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,179
"It's all good."

240
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:22,348
[Mutters]

241
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:23,599
Yo.
Yo.

242
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,603
Okay, I see you two guys-
Wait, wait, wait.

243
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,314
You two-

244
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,860
You two keep it real,
know what I mean, son?

245
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,653
Not really.

246
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,739
Please, stop.
That's cool.

247
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,492
Ow.
Oh, God! That's my back.
Oh, honey. Sweetheart.

248
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,869
Ow! Oh!
I slipped in the baby oil.

249
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:47,164
"Oh, where you from
originally?"

250
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:50,751
"I could defeat you if it came to
a physical confrontation."

251
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,587
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
I don't know about this.
Should I call a doctor?

252
00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:56,423
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay.

253
00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,717
You're very strong, homes.
Thanks.

254
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,595
Okay. Nice-
Nice soft landing.
There you go.

255
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,139
Okay.
I am on my side though.
Okay, let's go. Come on.

256
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,892
So just flip me right back,
and we're good.
[Sighs]

257
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,727
We'll be good.

258
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:12,439
I just need to get
flipped right on my back,
and we should be fine. So-

259
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,695
Brenda Feldman.

260
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,908
What is that?
A poem I have written
for Brenda Feldman.

261
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:27,746
- Of course it is.
- I put my thoughts into words
and now my words into action.

262
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:30,290
Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks
not to do this.

263
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:33,001
I'm 11 years old.
What am I gonna do
with money?

264
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,212
What are you gonna do
with a 16-year-old?

265
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:39,925
He's like a bullfighter.
Mmm.
You ever see a bullfight?

266
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,886
- I can't watch this.
- You're in such a bad mood.

267
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:46,432
And I know why.
It's because that man
thought you were my father.

268
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:47,891
No.
Yes.

269
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:51,228
No.
When you say "No" like that,
it's always "Yes."

270
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,565
Come on. We're in the mall.
Let's get you, like,
some younger clothes.

271
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:57,693
There's a store there.
I don't need
any younger clothes.

272
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:01,196
And I don't care what
some jackass in a pair
of ripped jeans thinks about me.

273
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,948
Good. You shouldn't.

274
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,159
You should only care
what I think.

275
00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:07,911
I love you,
and I don't care
how old you are.

276
00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:11,290
So stop being a gloomy goose
and stop being so hard on Manny.

277
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,292
The only reason
I'm hard on Manny...

278
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,961
is just because
I don't wanna see him
make a fool of himself.

279
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:19,047
And I can smell that
hair goo of his from here.

280
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,092
Look, I don't know what's gonna
happen to him over there.

281
00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:25,888
But you're his family now,
and that means only one thing-

282
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:30,476
You be the wind in his back,
not the spit in his face.

283
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:33,437
What?
It's something
my mom always says.

284
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:36,773
It's gorgeous in Spanish.
Look, he's there.

285
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:45,616
She has a boyfriend.
Oh, I'm sorry,
mi niño.

286
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,618
I gave her my heart,

287
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,954
she gave me a picture of me
as an old-time sheriff.

288
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,456
Oh.

289
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,792
That was pretty stupid of me,
wasn't it?
No, mi amor.

290
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:58,212
It was brave.
Right, Jay? Brave.

291
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,381
W-Well, you'll know better
next time.

292
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,425
Come on.
Let's get a pretzel.

293
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,971
Mentira.
A mí sí me gusta.

294
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:14,728
Uh, excuse me, sir.
We ask that all mall-walkers
stay to the right.

295
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:31,411
[Haley]
Alex, get out! Mom!

296
00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,413
Alex, leave your sister alone.

297
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,207
I was just getting my book.
Gosh.

298
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:38,877
I know, sweetie.
But you need to respect
their privacy.

299
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,255
What are they
doing up there?
Nothing.

300
00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:44,716
Lying on her bed,
watching a movie.

301
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,302
Okay. Okay.

302
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:51,640
Um, I'm making a cake
for tonight. You wanna
help me with the frosting?

303
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,475
Sure.

304
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,603
So, you know,
if Haley got pregnant,

305
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,897
would you ever pretend
she has mono for a few months,

306
00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:01,692
and then, like, tell everyone
the baby's yours?

307
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:04,945
What?
This senior at school was
"out sick" for four months,

308
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:08,865
but Jenna Resnick swears
she saw her breast-feeding
at a coin-op car wash.

309
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:13,036
[Sighs]

310
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,832
Buddy, what are you wearing?

311
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,835
- Nothing.
- Uh-uh. No jacket.

312
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:23,630
One hat.
How many pairs of underwear
do you have on?

313
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:27,467
One.
[Sighs]
Six.

314
00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:30,429
First of all,
it would be really cool
to see Haley that fat.

315
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:34,099
And how awesome would it be
to have a fake little brother
who's really my nephew.

316
00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,852
Haley is not getting pregnant.
[Clears Throat]

317
00:15:36,978 --> 00:15:38,895
Just saying "if."
I know.

318
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:42,691
And I know you like to make
trouble for your sister, but
it's not gonna work this time.

319
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,652
You know why?
'Cause your sister's a good girl.

320
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:49,740
I know. I was just
like her when I was-

321
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,492
I want you to know,
I'm not enjoying this.

322
00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:54,995
But this is an important lesson
that you're learning.

323
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:57,623
So, soak it.
Keep it.

324
00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:00,125
[Clearing Throat]

325
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,294
You're too close.
It's gonna hurt.

326
00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:04,087
It's supposed to hurt.

327
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:07,591
- And why are you smiling?
- I'm- What?

328
00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:21,980
Oh, forget it.
I can't do this.

329
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:24,274
The point is you're scared.
I think you've learned
your lesson.

330
00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:25,317
[Shoots]
Wow.

331
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:26,026
Ow!

332
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:30,113
Mom!
What are you doing?

333
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,866
Oh, hey! I was just, um,
dropping off some laundry.

334
00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,910
- Is this a bad time?
- Yeah.

335
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:38,246
Oh. Okay.

336
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,915
Uh, can you
shut the door, please?

337
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:43,001
Actually, we're just gonna
go ahead and leave that open.

338
00:16:43,086 --> 00:16:44,294
Why?

339
00:16:44,379 --> 00:16:47,381
Because I have, uh,
seen this little show before-

340
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:50,050
lying on the bed
with a tall senior.

341
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,052
One minute you're just friends,
watching Falcon Crest,

342
00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:54,971
and the next you're lying
underneath the air hockey table
with your bra in your pocket.

343
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,473
Whoa.
Mom!

344
00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:59,393
- [Whimpering]
You hit my bone!
- It was an accident!

345
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:02,979
- I thought you were my friend!
- I am your friend.

346
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:05,190
Dad! Dad, Dad.
You have got to talk to Mom.

347
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:08,068
She is, like,
completely freaking out
and embarrassing me!

348
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,986
Honey, your mom isn't always
as cool about things as-

349
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,029
- [Shoots]
- Ow!

350
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,614
What is with this thing?

351
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,282
[Shoots]
Ow!

352
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:21,832
My dad. Uh, my dad still isn't
completely comfortable with this.

353
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,626
Um- He-He still does this thing.
It's been five years now.

354
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,170
And he still does this thing
where he announces himself...

355
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,214
before walking into
any room we're in...

356
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:32,884
just to make sure he doesn't
have to ever see us kiss.

357
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,095
Wish my mother
had that system.

358
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,472
Remember?
Not now.

359
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,725
I still can't believe
you did this to me.

360
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:43,687
Would you get
in the spirit of things?
It's a celebration.

361
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,648
[Doorbell Rings]

362
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,860
- Oh, God.
- Okay, I'm gonna go get Lily ready.

363
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:52,946
Okay.
And I want you to just
come straight out with it.

364
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,698
All right.
Okay. You can do this.

365
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,032
Yeah.
Sports guy chest bump.

366
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:57,284
No.
Sports guy chest bump.

367
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,745
Cam. Oh!
All right. Go.
Do it. Go.

368
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,788
Sorry.
Oh.

369
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,710
[Exhales]

370
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,879
Hey. Hi.
Hey.

371
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,423
How are you?
Hi, guys.
Hey.

372
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,550
That looks good.
Oh, thank you. Thanks.

373
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:15,594
Don't thank us. Open it.
Dad is coming right behind.

374
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,304
[Doorbell Ringing]
[Knocking]

375
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:19,848
[Jay]
Knock, knock! We're here.
Coming in!

376
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,768
Don't worry, Dad.
Nothing gay going on here.

377
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:25,437
May I take your multicolored
coat and bejeweled cap?

378
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,898
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, Jay.

379
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:30,859
Gloria, hi.
Hi.

380
00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:33,570
How are you?
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Gloria. How are you?

381
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,615
Oh, what a beautiful dress.
Ay, thank you, Phil.

382
00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:40,076
Okay.
Oh, hey-
Phil.

383
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,746
That's how she says "Phil."
Not "feel." Phil.
Oh.

384
00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:45,373
- So how was your trip?
- It was good.
It was good actually.

385
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:49,628
But, um, about that, I-
I have something
that I need to tell you guys.

386
00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:52,005
Um- Uh, we didn't
just go to Vietnam
for pleasure.

387
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,466
We, uh, kind of have
some big news.

388
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,344
Oh, God.
If Cam comes out here
with boobs, I'm leaving.

389
00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:59,971
- [Claire] Dad.
- I hope he didn't
embarrass you, Mom.

390
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:03,350
Oh, don't mind her.
Haley had her first
boy over today...

391
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:05,393
and Phil shot him.

392
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:09,314
Anyway, um, so, about-
about a year ago,

393
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,483
Cam and I started feeling
this longing, you know,

394
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,361
for something more,
like, uh, maybe a baby?

395
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,905
- Ooh, that's a bad idea.
- What do you mean, "bad idea"?

396
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,617
Well, kids need a mother.
I mean if you two guys
are bored, get a dog.

397
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,869
Okay, we're not bored, Dad.

398
00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:25,247
I support you, Mitchell,
even though you're not my son.

399
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:27,666
I-I-I-I think what Dad
is trying to say...

400
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:30,836
is that, Mitchell,
you're a little uptight.

401
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,172
- Kids bring chaos, and-
and you don't handle it well.
- That's not what Dad's saying.

402
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:37,342
That's what you're saying.
And it's insulting
in a whole different way.

403
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,970
Okay, people.
Let's all "chillax."

404
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:42,848
Hey, where's Uncle Cameron?
Thank you. Thank you.

405
00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:45,600
Someone who's not insulting me
notices he's not here.

406
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:49,521
Oh, so that's
the big announcement, huh?
You two broke up.

407
00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,606
Well- Well, a baby
wasn't gonna help that anyway.

408
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:55,443
And let me tell you.
You're better off, because
he was a bit of a drama queen.

409
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,028
No, no, no.
Stop. Stop. No.

410
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:59,823
You come into my house
and you insult me and my boyfriend,

411
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,117
who, by the way,
is not that dramatic-

412
00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:05,912
♪♪ [Stereo: Man Singing In Zulu]
Oh, God.

413
00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,501
♪♪ [Chorus Singing In Zulu]

414
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:18,800
[Man]
♪ It's the circle of life ♪

415
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,011
We adopted a baby.
♪ And it moves us all ♪

416
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:22,554
Her name is Lily.
Oh.

417
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,515
Exciting!
Just turn it off.

418
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,851
I can't turn it off.
It's who I am.

419
00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:29,978
The music.
Oh, yes, the music.
[Chuckles]

420
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,730
♪♪ [Stops]
Come say hi to Lily.

421
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:35,650
Ay, miren a la princesita.
The little princess.
[Haley] She's so cute!

422
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,652
So cute.
Thank you.

423
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,739
[Claire]
Let me see her. Let me see her.
Let me see her.

424
00:20:40,823 --> 00:20:42,699
Hi there, Lily.

425
00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:45,619
"Lily." Isn't that gonna be
hard for her to say?
[Haley] So cute.

426
00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:48,246
Phil.
Excuse me.

427
00:20:48,331 --> 00:20:51,541
Okay, I-I-I know that I said
I thought this was a bad idea.

428
00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:56,171
But, uh, what do I know?

429
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,757
I mean, it's not like
I wrote the book on fatherhood.

430
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:02,427
Been trying all my life
to get it right.
I'm still screwing up.

431
00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:05,472
- Right, Manny?
- I wrote a song about it in the car.

432
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:08,725
Of course you did. Uh-

433
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:12,812
Anyway, I'm happy for you.
And, uh, you should know that, uh,

434
00:21:12,897 --> 00:21:15,649
I'm not here
to spit in your face,

435
00:21:15,733 --> 00:21:18,526
I'm here to...
blow at your back.

436
00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:20,737
I don't understand
what that means.
I don't-

437
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:24,115
Well, it's- it's supposed to
sound better in Spanish.

438
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:28,495
Voy a ser la brisa
en tu espalda, no quien
te escupa en la frente.

439
00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,872
Oh, that's beautiful.
That's really nice.

440
00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:33,750
And thank you too.

441
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,794
Anyhow, Mitch, uh-

442
00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:38,463
- No, Dad, it's- it's-
- [Lily Crying]

443
00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,465
I got her.
I got her.
Oh, she's crying.

444
00:21:40,591 --> 00:21:42,050
She wants her grandpa!
She wants her daddy!

445
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:44,260
Do you wanna meet Grandpa?
What? Are you kidding?

446
00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:48,306
She's one of us now.
Let me see the little pot sticker.
[Chuckling]

447
00:21:48,391 --> 00:21:51,810
Hey, you're a cutie,
aren't you?

448
00:21:51,936 --> 00:21:55,397
Ah. Look at this.
[All Fussing]

449
00:21:55,481 --> 00:22:00,151
[Jay]
We're from different worlds,
yet we somehow fit together.

450
00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:02,654
Love is what binds us,

451
00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:05,699
through fair or stormy weather.

452
00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:08,326
I stand before you now
with only one agenda-

453
00:22:08,411 --> 00:22:11,079
"To let you know
my heart is yours,

454
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:13,540
Feldman comma Brenda."

455
00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,460
I mean, seriously.

456
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:22,132
Luke, so far,
hasn't beaten me
in basketball.

457
00:22:22,216 --> 00:22:24,426
It's 2-0. 2-0.
Okay. Okay.

458
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,678
[Grunting]

459
00:22:26,804 --> 00:22:29,931
Get that weak stuff
out of my kitchen!
Dad, stop it!

460
00:22:30,016 --> 00:22:32,058
Can you do me a favor?
Just grab-

461
00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:34,602
Ooh! How's the weather
down there?

462
00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:37,105
But when the day comes
that he does win-

463
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,107
if- you know- if/when-

464
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:41,359
he beats me,
I'm just gonna be like,

465
00:22:41,444 --> 00:22:43,403
"Well done. Well done."

466
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,780
Just, like, let him-
Just support him...

467
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,782
in- in- in that kind of stuff.

468
00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:51,953
I mean, I'd probably want to go,
like, two out of three and just
see what happens there, but-

469
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:57,834
ENGLISH - US - PSDH