1 00:00:01,661 --> 00:00:04,382 No, Margaret, I want you to triple check 2 00:00:04,450 --> 00:00:06,250 with the compliance officer about that. 3 00:00:06,352 --> 00:00:08,350 - What are you doing? - I'm working on a little something. 4 00:00:08,355 --> 00:00:10,087 You know how when you're making pancakes, 5 00:00:10,189 --> 00:00:11,355 - your hands are always full? - No. 6 00:00:11,457 --> 00:00:13,057 Well, this'll solve that. 7 00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:15,593 Did you take the batteries 8 00:00:15,695 --> 00:00:17,094 out of the smoke detector for this? 9 00:00:17,163 --> 00:00:18,763 No, no, still here. Still here. 10 00:00:18,865 --> 00:00:20,197 Yeah, no, I want to read the investor statement 11 00:00:20,300 --> 00:00:21,399 this afternoon, 12 00:00:21,401 --> 00:00:22,833 but, Dom, you're gonna have to resend it. 13 00:00:22,935 --> 00:00:24,368 You accidentally e-mailed me 14 00:00:24,437 --> 00:00:26,003 the first chapter of your novel, 15 00:00:26,072 --> 00:00:27,772 and just a tiny little note, 16 00:00:27,874 --> 00:00:30,241 maybe not all bosoms are heaving. 17 00:00:30,343 --> 00:00:32,109 - Thanks, guys. - [CELLPHONE BEEPS] 18 00:00:32,895 --> 00:00:34,745 Work call on a Saturday morning? What's going on? 19 00:00:34,847 --> 00:00:35,946 [GROANS] 20 00:00:35,948 --> 00:00:37,148 Honey. 21 00:00:37,833 --> 00:00:39,083 You probably don't want to get into this right now, 22 00:00:39,152 --> 00:00:41,886 but is this a bald spot or the center of your swirl? 23 00:00:43,222 --> 00:00:45,489 My job has been miserable. 24 00:00:45,591 --> 00:00:47,825 I'm always working, I never sleep, 25 00:00:47,893 --> 00:00:50,027 and all I do is clean up other people's messes 26 00:00:50,062 --> 00:00:52,596 because I'm the only adult in the room. 27 00:00:52,698 --> 00:00:53,864 Oh, my God. 28 00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:57,401 I'm a mom again, but to people I don't love. 29 00:00:57,863 --> 00:00:58,895 Sweetheart, listen. 30 00:00:58,964 --> 00:01:00,163 For years, you supported me 31 00:01:00,265 --> 00:01:03,178 while I juggled realtoring and... and juggling. 32 00:01:03,213 --> 00:01:04,701 And now it's my turn to support you. 33 00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:06,970 Anything that's not work, I'm your guy. 34 00:01:07,072 --> 00:01:08,238 Oh, God! 35 00:01:08,738 --> 00:01:20,438 Modern Family S11E06 A Game of Chicken Original Air Date on Nov 06, 2019 36 00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:23,720 Hey, look at you guys. So playful. 37 00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:25,755 When I get married, I hope my wife and I 38 00:01:25,858 --> 00:01:27,557 never lose that sense of whimsy. 39 00:01:27,559 --> 00:01:28,658 - Thank you, Luke. - What do you want? 40 00:01:28,660 --> 00:01:29,860 Okay, here's the deal. 41 00:01:29,962 --> 00:01:31,027 My buddy Scooter and I 42 00:01:31,096 --> 00:01:32,696 came up with this really cool business idea. 43 00:01:32,798 --> 00:01:33,964 We think it's gonna be huge. 44 00:01:34,032 --> 00:01:35,398 That's great, pal! 45 00:01:35,501 --> 00:01:36,666 We are so proud of you. 46 00:01:36,768 --> 00:01:39,069 - Get to the bad part. - There is no bad part. 47 00:01:39,171 --> 00:01:41,338 Actually, you guys are gonna make money. 48 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,039 Because I have to drop out of school to do it. 49 00:01:43,108 --> 00:01:44,875 [LAUGHS] You're not dropping out of school. 50 00:01:44,977 --> 00:01:46,009 - Honey... - No. 51 00:01:46,078 --> 00:01:47,177 ...I... I got this. 52 00:01:47,179 --> 00:01:48,311 But we should've seen it coming. 53 00:01:48,413 --> 00:01:49,579 After all, his dad is the creator 54 00:01:49,681 --> 00:01:52,215 of the Hey Batter, Batter. 55 00:01:52,317 --> 00:01:53,483 The name's a placeholder. 56 00:01:53,585 --> 00:01:54,851 But probably still available. 57 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,420 Dad, I want you to know I love your pancake shooter. 58 00:01:57,523 --> 00:02:02,826 Have you seen the updates... to... 59 00:02:02,928 --> 00:02:04,861 the Insta-Cold straw? 60 00:02:04,963 --> 00:02:06,296 You should be on a stamp. 61 00:02:06,365 --> 00:02:08,532 Has that ever not electrocuted someone? 62 00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:10,567 Sometimes you have to shock a few people 63 00:02:10,669 --> 00:02:12,035 before you shock the world. 64 00:02:12,137 --> 00:02:13,870 - Huh. - That should go on your stamp. 65 00:02:13,972 --> 00:02:15,980 Okay, stop flattering your dad. 66 00:02:16,015 --> 00:02:17,040 You're not dropping out of school. 67 00:02:17,042 --> 00:02:18,375 You're almost done! 68 00:02:18,443 --> 00:02:19,976 And more importantly, 69 00:02:20,078 --> 00:02:21,545 we don't quit things in this family. 70 00:02:21,647 --> 00:02:22,846 Haley quit college. 71 00:02:22,948 --> 00:02:24,948 And Alex quit her job in Antarctica. 72 00:02:25,050 --> 00:02:27,083 And Dad has never finished a Sudoku. 73 00:02:27,152 --> 00:02:28,318 They are hard. 74 00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:29,786 Mom, this isn't some goof. 75 00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:31,955 Scooter and I really believe in this idea. 76 00:02:32,057 --> 00:02:33,156 Can we at least show you 77 00:02:33,258 --> 00:02:34,858 in the investor presentation this afternoon? 78 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,359 We'd love to hear it, wouldn't we? 79 00:02:36,461 --> 00:02:38,028 Of course. 80 00:02:38,096 --> 00:02:40,063 Yes! You guys aren't gonna be disappointed. 81 00:02:40,165 --> 00:02:41,464 I'm gonna call Scooter now. 82 00:02:43,101 --> 00:02:44,882 He's not dropping out of school. 83 00:02:44,917 --> 00:02:47,107 You have got to listen with an open mind. 84 00:02:47,142 --> 00:02:48,705 After all, what kind of world would we live in 85 00:02:48,807 --> 00:02:50,340 if all parents forced their kids to stay in school 86 00:02:50,409 --> 00:02:51,575 and not pursue their dreams? 87 00:02:51,677 --> 00:02:55,478 No Steve Jobs, no Mark Zuckerberg, no Cindy Crawford. 88 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,881 Steve Jobs put a computer in everyone's pocket. 89 00:02:57,983 --> 00:03:00,684 Luke almost died taking off a hoodie on an escalator. 90 00:03:00,752 --> 00:03:03,420 My point is, dreams need to be fostered. 91 00:03:03,522 --> 00:03:04,921 And if I'm being honest, 92 00:03:05,023 --> 00:03:06,690 I kind of love the idea of being a mentor 93 00:03:06,792 --> 00:03:07,857 to these two young minds. 94 00:03:07,859 --> 00:03:09,459 [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, GROANING] 95 00:03:09,561 --> 00:03:10,894 [MUFFLED] Wooden spoon! 96 00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,596 Knock it away with a wooden spoon! 97 00:03:12,664 --> 00:03:13,930 Thank you. 98 00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:15,932 [THUD] 99 00:03:16,034 --> 00:03:17,300 [LAUGHS] 100 00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:19,088 Oh, this is amazing! 101 00:03:19,090 --> 00:03:20,156 - Oh, my God. - Oh. 102 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,491 Daddy so walks like that! 103 00:03:21,593 --> 00:03:22,759 [BOTH LAUGHING] 104 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:24,861 CAMERON: Why are you guys laughing? 105 00:03:24,863 --> 00:03:25,962 We... We were happy? 106 00:03:25,964 --> 00:03:27,196 Since when? 107 00:03:27,298 --> 00:03:28,665 Were you watching that video again? 108 00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,833 Recently, the high school dolphin mascot 109 00:03:30,935 --> 00:03:33,503 has been, uh, mocking Cam during football games. 110 00:03:33,605 --> 00:03:35,838 He's... and I don't use this word lightly... 111 00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:37,573 a genius. 112 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,742 How about we get our heads in the game?! 113 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,711 [WHISTLE BLOWS] 114 00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:46,449 Rick, you're gonna be streaking through. 115 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,618 So it's gonna be boom, boom. You got it? 116 00:03:50,121 --> 00:03:51,754 I'm surprised you can't see the humor 117 00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,489 in what the mascot is doing. 118 00:03:53,591 --> 00:03:55,058 Isn't it a lot like clowning? 119 00:03:55,126 --> 00:03:56,926 - What did you just say? - Are you insane? 120 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:59,062 Mascot-ing is nothing like clowning! 121 00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:01,497 Clowns are descendants of the court jester, 122 00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:03,599 truth-teller to the king. 123 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,902 Mascots know nothing of veritas and beauty. 124 00:04:06,004 --> 00:04:08,037 Don't you just make wiener dogs out of balloons? 125 00:04:08,139 --> 00:04:10,573 You are just jealous because no kid ever said, 126 00:04:10,642 --> 00:04:12,075 "Hey, Mom, this year for my birthday, 127 00:04:12,177 --> 00:04:13,576 can we get a narc?" 128 00:04:13,678 --> 00:04:15,011 Okay, look, I'm... I'm sorry. 129 00:04:15,113 --> 00:04:16,779 I'm just stressed out. This mascot is under my skin! 130 00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:17,947 [EXHALES SHARPLY] 131 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:20,416 I can't have him making me look like a fool today. 132 00:04:20,518 --> 00:04:21,617 I just found out a recruiter 133 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,352 from the University of North Central Missouri 134 00:04:23,455 --> 00:04:24,954 is coming to watch me coach. 135 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,255 A recruiter? 136 00:04:26,357 --> 00:04:27,890 Did you apply for a job in Missouri? 137 00:04:27,992 --> 00:04:29,192 I just said I was available. 138 00:04:29,294 --> 00:04:30,927 W-Without consulting me? 139 00:04:30,995 --> 00:04:32,195 - [SCOFFS] - Well, you always said you were okay 140 00:04:32,297 --> 00:04:33,863 with moving back to Missouri at some point, 141 00:04:33,965 --> 00:04:36,099 turning our little family into a "farmily." 142 00:04:36,201 --> 00:04:37,266 You know I hate that word. 143 00:04:37,268 --> 00:04:38,401 Why? It's descriptive and fun. 144 00:04:38,503 --> 00:04:39,969 And you know what? Look, if I got this job, 145 00:04:40,071 --> 00:04:43,740 I would be the first openly gay college football coach in history, 146 00:04:43,842 --> 00:04:46,442 and I would think you'd support that. 147 00:04:46,544 --> 00:04:48,544 And I would think that you would ask me 148 00:04:48,646 --> 00:04:50,919 before uprooting our whole farmily... 149 00:04:50,954 --> 00:04:52,047 Gah. 150 00:04:52,050 --> 00:04:53,649 Damn it, it's in there now! 151 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:55,985 [DOORBELL RINGS] 152 00:04:56,966 --> 00:04:58,554 - [GASPS] Hi. - Hi. 153 00:04:58,656 --> 00:05:00,590 Hello, mis niños. 154 00:05:00,692 --> 00:05:01,991 Thank you so much for watching the babies 155 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,159 for a few hours. 156 00:05:03,228 --> 00:05:04,861 If you have trouble telling them apart, 157 00:05:04,963 --> 00:05:06,229 just take off their diapers. 158 00:05:06,331 --> 00:05:07,764 I wrote George's name inside his. 159 00:05:07,866 --> 00:05:09,332 There's my great-grandchildren. 160 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:10,466 Do they recognize faces? 161 00:05:10,568 --> 00:05:12,268 Do I need to start slipping them cash 162 00:05:12,370 --> 00:05:13,736 - to let them know who's in charge? - [LAUGHS] 163 00:05:13,838 --> 00:05:16,005 Grandpa, you don't need to buy their love. 164 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,840 Buy mine, and I'll talk you up. 165 00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:20,109 Are we babysitting? Should I cancel golf? 166 00:05:20,211 --> 00:05:21,611 No, no, no, no, I know how important it is 167 00:05:21,713 --> 00:05:23,179 for you and your friends to complain about 168 00:05:23,248 --> 00:05:25,381 how young people today 169 00:05:25,483 --> 00:05:27,350 are slightly different than your generation. 170 00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:29,719 Vin Diesel is just Telly Savalas 171 00:05:29,821 --> 00:05:32,522 without the lollipop and a great catchphrase. 172 00:05:33,105 --> 00:05:35,958 Okay, and you two, I know how precious alone time is 173 00:05:36,060 --> 00:05:37,326 for new parents, 174 00:05:37,428 --> 00:05:38,928 - so everybody go. - Bye-bye! 175 00:05:39,030 --> 00:05:41,397 Have a great afternoon! 176 00:05:42,179 --> 00:05:43,533 Okay, mis niños, Gloria has planned 177 00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:46,202 a very exciting afternoon for you. 178 00:05:47,535 --> 00:05:49,071 Let's see. 179 00:05:49,174 --> 00:05:52,542 Who is ready to reject Satan 180 00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:56,279 - and all his empty promises? - [BABIES COOING] 181 00:05:56,381 --> 00:05:59,215 Today, I'm having the babies secretly baptized, 182 00:05:59,284 --> 00:06:02,185 both into Catholicism and into the crazy things 183 00:06:02,287 --> 00:06:04,634 we do to each other in this family. 184 00:06:06,304 --> 00:06:10,420 - Absolutely not! - Okay, be reasonable, Tashi. 185 00:06:10,489 --> 00:06:12,122 I... Tonight's a big game for me. 186 00:06:12,190 --> 00:06:14,157 I... I need to project authority, 187 00:06:14,192 --> 00:06:15,925 and your antics undermine me. 188 00:06:16,028 --> 00:06:17,127 Well, buckle up, Coach, 189 00:06:17,162 --> 00:06:18,895 'cause I'm taking it up a giant notch 190 00:06:18,964 --> 00:06:20,997 and taping today's game for my college apps. 191 00:06:21,099 --> 00:06:22,732 Okay, you're gonna get into college. 192 00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,134 You have fantastic grades. 193 00:06:24,202 --> 00:06:27,270 Oh, you're right... an Asian kid with great grades. That's fresh. 194 00:06:27,339 --> 00:06:28,705 I need to guarantee a spot. 195 00:06:28,807 --> 00:06:30,173 Mascot-ing sets me apart. 196 00:06:30,275 --> 00:06:31,641 Listen, you little punk. 197 00:06:31,743 --> 00:06:32,909 I could suspend you. 198 00:06:33,011 --> 00:06:34,077 How would your fancy colleges 199 00:06:34,179 --> 00:06:36,108 like to see that on your record, huh? 200 00:06:36,143 --> 00:06:37,421 - [CHUCKLES] - Nice try, 201 00:06:37,456 --> 00:06:38,856 but, uh, my free expression 202 00:06:38,891 --> 00:06:40,142 is protected by the Supreme Court ruling 203 00:06:40,177 --> 00:06:41,929 in North Dakota vs. Bandito. 204 00:06:41,964 --> 00:06:45,101 Oh, you... you halftime hacks. 205 00:06:45,256 --> 00:06:47,156 No scruples, no honor. 206 00:06:47,158 --> 00:06:48,223 [SCOFFS] 207 00:06:48,225 --> 00:06:50,125 Is this a clown thing again? 208 00:06:50,194 --> 00:06:52,027 We clowns have more humanity 209 00:06:52,096 --> 00:06:55,397 in one of our whimsically oversized pinkies, 210 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:58,333 more than you do in your entire stinky costume. 211 00:06:59,570 --> 00:07:00,769 You powder-faced elitists, 212 00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:02,838 looking down your red noses at everybody! 213 00:07:02,940 --> 00:07:05,374 Wipe the pie out of your eyes. 214 00:07:05,476 --> 00:07:07,276 The revolution is coming! 215 00:07:09,747 --> 00:07:10,813 [SIGHS] 216 00:07:10,899 --> 00:07:13,949 - Do we really need to do this on a Saturday? - I'm sorry. 217 00:07:14,047 --> 00:07:15,213 Nick was supposed to sign these 218 00:07:15,282 --> 00:07:16,681 - before he left for Fiji... - Mm. 219 00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:18,784 ...and people need to get paid. 220 00:07:18,886 --> 00:07:22,020 We don't all live in mansions. 221 00:07:22,122 --> 00:07:24,055 This is hardly a mansion, Margaret. 222 00:07:24,158 --> 00:07:27,192 Whoa, why are we writing a huge check to a shaman? 223 00:07:27,227 --> 00:07:30,228 Oh, Nick took the interns on a vision quest. 224 00:07:30,330 --> 00:07:32,197 Well, the female ones. 225 00:07:32,399 --> 00:07:33,531 - Gross. - Mm. 226 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,300 Hey, guys. Scooter's here. 227 00:07:35,368 --> 00:07:36,601 Great. 228 00:07:36,703 --> 00:07:39,103 Can't wait to hear this amazing idea. 229 00:07:39,172 --> 00:07:40,672 Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. 230 00:07:40,740 --> 00:07:42,807 Can we just remember we're on the same team 231 00:07:42,876 --> 00:07:44,042 and Luke can't drop out of school? 232 00:07:44,077 --> 00:07:45,310 So please don't make me the bad guy. 233 00:07:45,412 --> 00:07:47,545 Honey, they're kids. I don't want to crush their spirit. 234 00:07:47,647 --> 00:07:48,656 They're just... 235 00:07:48,715 --> 00:07:49,881 They're just looking for a little guidance. 236 00:07:49,950 --> 00:07:52,483 Oh, we're gonna guide them right back into college. 237 00:07:52,535 --> 00:07:54,068 Margaret, this is gonna take a few minutes. 238 00:07:54,137 --> 00:07:55,670 Do you mind hanging here while we're in the living room? 239 00:07:55,705 --> 00:07:58,906 I'll just wait here in this other living room. 240 00:07:59,008 --> 00:08:01,442 My God, the waste. 241 00:08:01,904 --> 00:08:04,845 - Hey! - Mom, Dad, this is Scooter Rivael. 242 00:08:04,914 --> 00:08:07,147 - Phil, Claire, nice to meet you. - Hi. 243 00:08:07,249 --> 00:08:09,016 Luke said such wonderful things. 244 00:08:09,118 --> 00:08:11,185 Wait. Um, you're... you're Scooter? 245 00:08:11,253 --> 00:08:12,553 I-I was expecting someone younger, 246 00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:15,155 maybe wearing Heelys and a backpack. 247 00:08:15,157 --> 00:08:16,166 [LAUGHTER] 248 00:08:16,225 --> 00:08:17,725 Uh, well, my real name's Scott, 249 00:08:17,793 --> 00:08:19,259 but Luke and I met at the club 250 00:08:19,328 --> 00:08:21,128 where everyone calls me Scooter. 251 00:08:21,230 --> 00:08:22,296 Or worse. 252 00:08:22,298 --> 00:08:23,797 [BOTH LAUGH] 253 00:08:23,799 --> 00:08:25,899 So, let's hear this big idea, huh? 254 00:08:25,968 --> 00:08:28,835 Okay. Well, just like we rehearsed it. 255 00:08:28,938 --> 00:08:30,370 You got this, buddy. 256 00:08:32,074 --> 00:08:34,374 Remember when I took nighttime medicine in the daytime 257 00:08:34,476 --> 00:08:35,742 and fell down the stairs? 258 00:08:35,811 --> 00:08:36,977 - [LAUGHS] Yeah. - Remember? 259 00:08:37,046 --> 00:08:39,012 I bent all your fingers back into their sockets. 260 00:08:39,081 --> 00:08:41,014 Well, I had to go to three different doctors, 261 00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:43,417 and every one of them made me fill out the same forms. 262 00:08:43,885 --> 00:08:45,652 Introducing FormFiller Med, 263 00:08:45,754 --> 00:08:47,220 a secure encrypted mobile app 264 00:08:47,289 --> 00:08:49,255 that transfers your medical and insurance info 265 00:08:49,257 --> 00:08:51,191 to your doctor's office with a tap of your phone. 266 00:08:51,226 --> 00:08:53,159 No more filling out the same boring forms 267 00:08:53,261 --> 00:08:54,527 over and over again. 268 00:08:54,596 --> 00:08:56,262 I ran the idea by a couple old guys at the club, 269 00:08:56,365 --> 00:08:58,565 - and they loved it. - Yeah, and we weren't even drunk yet. 270 00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:01,301 [BOTH LAUGH] 271 00:09:01,730 --> 00:09:04,597 Alcoholism kills millions of people a day. 272 00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:06,899 I know what you're thinking... 273 00:09:06,968 --> 00:09:08,468 Will doctors go for this? 274 00:09:08,536 --> 00:09:11,270 We polled over 200 doctors and medical personnel, 275 00:09:11,339 --> 00:09:14,674 and 93% said that they would happily pay our monthly fee 276 00:09:14,776 --> 00:09:16,375 to reduce their administrative load. 277 00:09:16,798 --> 00:09:18,030 But don't, uh, doctor's offices 278 00:09:18,132 --> 00:09:19,965 all use, like, different systems? 279 00:09:20,068 --> 00:09:21,233 Great question, Claire. 280 00:09:21,335 --> 00:09:23,002 The top two medical software systems 281 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,537 have 90% market share, 282 00:09:24,639 --> 00:09:25,838 and we're compatible with both. 283 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,373 Wow. And, uh, what do you do, Scooter? 284 00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:29,975 Other than befriend children, I mean. 285 00:09:30,010 --> 00:09:31,577 I'm a venture capitalist. 286 00:09:31,645 --> 00:09:35,147 I've invested in 22 companies over the last 30 years 287 00:09:35,215 --> 00:09:36,381 and personally led three of them 288 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:38,083 from initial concept through IPO. 289 00:09:38,185 --> 00:09:39,251 Fascinating. 290 00:09:39,253 --> 00:09:40,519 You ever thought about starting a business 291 00:09:40,588 --> 00:09:42,554 with, um, I don't know, your... your own son? 292 00:09:45,025 --> 00:09:46,044 Okay. 293 00:09:46,093 --> 00:09:48,961 Let me show you the device itself. 294 00:09:49,063 --> 00:09:50,662 All a doctor's office has to do 295 00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:52,931 is plug this into the USB slot 296 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,366 of their reception room computer. 297 00:09:54,435 --> 00:09:55,734 [COMPUTER BEEPS] 298 00:09:56,306 --> 00:09:58,406 A patient opens the app on their phone 299 00:09:58,475 --> 00:10:00,375 and taps it against the device. 300 00:10:00,477 --> 00:10:02,310 And just like that, 301 00:10:02,379 --> 00:10:03,711 all of your encrypted and pertinent 302 00:10:03,780 --> 00:10:05,080 medical and insurance information 303 00:10:05,148 --> 00:10:07,148 is instantly in your doctor's database. 304 00:10:07,217 --> 00:10:08,950 Well, I am so sorry, guys, 305 00:10:09,019 --> 00:10:11,224 but I like filling out medical forms, 306 00:10:11,259 --> 00:10:13,521 and I think there are millions of hardworking Americans just like me, 307 00:10:13,623 --> 00:10:15,356 so this Shark is out. 308 00:10:15,359 --> 00:10:16,457 Uh, Mom? 309 00:10:16,460 --> 00:10:17,625 Oh, good luck with that one. 310 00:10:17,694 --> 00:10:18,827 She's a lot tougher than me. 311 00:10:18,929 --> 00:10:21,629 Well, it brings me absolutely no joy to say this. 312 00:10:21,731 --> 00:10:23,198 Luke, I'm impressed. 313 00:10:23,300 --> 00:10:25,100 - But...? - But nothing. 314 00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:26,467 Do you have any idea 315 00:10:26,523 --> 00:10:28,389 how much I hate filling out those medical forms? 316 00:10:28,458 --> 00:10:30,525 It seems like you have really done your homework, 317 00:10:30,627 --> 00:10:33,928 and most importantly, you got a great partner here. 318 00:10:34,907 --> 00:10:36,096 I say go for it. 319 00:10:36,165 --> 00:10:37,665 - Seriously? - Mm-hmm. 320 00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:38,999 MARGARET: Psst, Claire? 321 00:10:39,068 --> 00:10:41,235 - Um, I have Nick on the phone from Fiji. - [SIGHS] 322 00:10:41,337 --> 00:10:42,436 We're in the middle of something, Margaret. 323 00:10:42,538 --> 00:10:45,172 - He says it's an emergency. - Ugh. 324 00:10:45,274 --> 00:10:46,473 He's on my phone. 325 00:10:46,542 --> 00:10:48,008 It's in the solarium. 326 00:10:48,077 --> 00:10:49,343 It's a bay window, Margaret. 327 00:10:49,445 --> 00:10:50,511 We did it, buddy! 328 00:10:50,580 --> 00:10:52,179 PHIL: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. 329 00:10:52,281 --> 00:10:53,380 It's not settled yet. 330 00:10:53,382 --> 00:10:54,782 Well, I thought we heard a yes. 331 00:10:54,851 --> 00:10:57,284 No, I'm... I'm still having a conversation with my wife. 332 00:10:57,353 --> 00:10:59,219 Please, make yourself comfortable. 333 00:10:59,255 --> 00:11:01,488 Maybe kick off those rubber-soled shoes 334 00:11:01,557 --> 00:11:04,024 while I grab you an instantly cold beverage. 335 00:11:04,126 --> 00:11:06,326 "I'm just your husband." "Oh, your husband?" 336 00:11:06,428 --> 00:11:07,528 "You're gossiping. That's what I do." 337 00:11:07,596 --> 00:11:09,329 Looks like someone had a fight. 338 00:11:09,431 --> 00:11:11,331 [SIGHS] Hey, um, Mrs. Pasternack. 339 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,966 Um, was it that obvious? 340 00:11:13,068 --> 00:11:14,868 Eh. I say that to everyone. 341 00:11:14,937 --> 00:11:16,603 More often than not, I'm right. 342 00:11:16,705 --> 00:11:18,738 - Martini? - No thanks, I'm... I'm good. 343 00:11:18,841 --> 00:11:20,140 No, you're not. 344 00:11:20,175 --> 00:11:21,675 - [SIGHS] Marriage is hard. - [SLURPING] 345 00:11:21,777 --> 00:11:23,109 I know! 346 00:11:23,145 --> 00:11:25,879 Everyone's always trying to change each other. 347 00:11:25,948 --> 00:11:28,114 It's like, I'm an adult film director 348 00:11:28,217 --> 00:11:30,434 who collects Precious Moments Dolls. 349 00:11:30,469 --> 00:11:31,517 Let me be me! 350 00:11:32,688 --> 00:11:33,887 So, what's up with you two? 351 00:11:33,989 --> 00:11:36,756 Uh, Cam started looking for a job out of state 352 00:11:36,858 --> 00:11:38,058 with... without consulting me. 353 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,360 Don't worry. You'll meet someone else. 354 00:11:40,429 --> 00:11:41,594 No, he wants me to go with him. 355 00:11:41,697 --> 00:11:43,996 Ah, that's the Cam I know. 356 00:11:44,048 --> 00:11:46,115 He's always going on about you. 357 00:11:46,217 --> 00:11:47,350 He is? 358 00:11:47,418 --> 00:11:49,485 Haven't you ever seen his Facebook page? 359 00:11:49,587 --> 00:11:50,987 He's obsessed with you. 360 00:11:51,682 --> 00:11:54,023 "How gorgeous does Mitchell look in this picture?" 361 00:11:54,699 --> 00:11:58,027 Aww. "Proud to be married to a man who fights for justice." 362 00:11:58,096 --> 00:12:00,062 Aww. "Mitchell over his cold. 363 00:12:00,131 --> 00:12:02,365 Hope my hubby brings the love tonight." 364 00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,534 Ew, my dad liked that. Euch. 365 00:12:04,602 --> 00:12:05,968 All right, Lily, I'm on my way to the game. 366 00:12:06,070 --> 00:12:07,136 How bad is it? 367 00:12:07,238 --> 00:12:09,138 LILY: The dolphin is eviscerating Dad. 368 00:12:10,525 --> 00:12:12,224 Oh! Aah! Aah. 369 00:12:13,094 --> 00:12:15,361 Oh, if it was me, he would totally do something. 370 00:12:15,463 --> 00:12:17,296 But what?! Ah, just give me a sign! 371 00:12:17,398 --> 00:12:19,398 [INHALES SHARPLY] 372 00:12:21,435 --> 00:12:24,070 Is there any way I could just throw money at it? 373 00:12:24,138 --> 00:12:25,738 [FOOT TAPPING, DOORBELL RINGS] 374 00:12:25,807 --> 00:12:28,874 [GASPS] Ay. Ay. 375 00:12:29,565 --> 00:12:33,044 _ 376 00:12:33,045 --> 00:12:35,739 _ 377 00:12:38,353 --> 00:12:40,185 [COUGHS] 378 00:12:40,254 --> 00:12:41,954 Except for Father Ramirez, 379 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,155 all the priests I asked 380 00:12:43,257 --> 00:12:46,992 were "uncomfortable" with my secret baptism. 381 00:12:47,061 --> 00:12:50,362 They said it was "borderline kidnapping," 382 00:12:50,464 --> 00:12:52,965 that they found my trickery "devilish." 383 00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:57,569 It's like, when did Catholics become so judgmental? 384 00:12:57,929 --> 00:13:00,547 _ 385 00:13:00,548 --> 00:13:05,361 _ 386 00:13:05,362 --> 00:13:09,507 _ 387 00:13:09,508 --> 00:13:16,311 _ 388 00:13:16,312 --> 00:13:18,812 _ 389 00:13:18,859 --> 00:13:20,459 [BOTH LAUGH] 390 00:13:20,859 --> 00:13:22,620 _ 391 00:13:23,147 --> 00:13:27,821 _ 392 00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:28,900 [DOOR OPENS] 393 00:13:28,902 --> 00:13:29,967 [GASPS] 394 00:13:30,036 --> 00:13:32,070 Jay, you're back! 395 00:13:32,172 --> 00:13:33,204 Why do you sound surprised? 396 00:13:33,306 --> 00:13:34,439 You cut my brakes or something? 397 00:13:34,507 --> 00:13:35,573 [LAUGHS] 398 00:13:35,675 --> 00:13:37,575 What the hell's a priest doing here? 399 00:13:37,644 --> 00:13:39,577 Oh, it's just a check-up. 400 00:13:39,679 --> 00:13:42,914 One of the babies maybe is... possessed. 401 00:13:43,016 --> 00:13:44,415 Wait, are you baptizing them 402 00:13:44,517 --> 00:13:46,384 behind Haley and what's-his-name's back? 403 00:13:46,486 --> 00:13:48,219 You can't do that to other people's kids! 404 00:13:48,221 --> 00:13:49,320 It's not a big deal. 405 00:13:49,322 --> 00:13:51,789 If it works, the babies are protected, 406 00:13:51,891 --> 00:13:53,224 their souls are safe, 407 00:13:53,326 --> 00:13:55,259 and they're gonna spend eternity in Heaven. 408 00:13:55,361 --> 00:13:56,460 If it doesn't, 409 00:13:56,463 --> 00:13:58,196 it's just like I gave them a little bath. 410 00:13:58,428 --> 00:14:02,722 _ 411 00:14:02,869 --> 00:14:05,169 - "Viejo." I know that word. - Hmm? 412 00:14:05,271 --> 00:14:07,138 Did Father Time here just call me old? 413 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:08,773 Okay, let's all calm down. 414 00:14:08,875 --> 00:14:11,409 Let's introduce the babies to the one true God, 415 00:14:11,511 --> 00:14:13,511 then we'll have some coffee cake. 416 00:14:13,580 --> 00:14:14,946 You know you're crossing a line here. 417 00:14:15,048 --> 00:14:17,415 Haley and Dylan doesn't even have to know. 418 00:14:17,517 --> 00:14:19,117 Know what? 419 00:14:19,219 --> 00:14:20,785 Why is there a priest here? 420 00:14:20,887 --> 00:14:22,954 I told you, Poppy's possessed! 421 00:14:23,056 --> 00:14:24,388 Everybody can see it but you. 422 00:14:27,031 --> 00:14:29,143 Why didn't you just ask us? 423 00:14:29,144 --> 00:14:31,744 _ 424 00:14:31,814 --> 00:14:33,314 I did. I did ask you. 425 00:14:33,383 --> 00:14:35,483 You said yes. I think you were very drunk. 426 00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,818 Haley, New-Phil, 427 00:14:37,887 --> 00:14:39,353 do you really want this baptism? 428 00:14:39,772 --> 00:14:42,840 I don't know. We've barely thought about it. 429 00:14:42,909 --> 00:14:45,809 Dylan did say that he was going to research some religions. 430 00:14:45,878 --> 00:14:48,412 I'm halfway through this Jim Jones documentary. 431 00:14:48,481 --> 00:14:50,347 So far, that religion seems pretty cool. 432 00:14:50,449 --> 00:14:52,616 I'm sorry that I didn't ask you before. 433 00:14:52,685 --> 00:14:55,319 I really wanted to do this for George and Poppy. 434 00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:58,155 Baptism is gonna allow their souls 435 00:14:58,257 --> 00:15:00,157 to find eternal peace. 436 00:15:00,159 --> 00:15:01,191 What's the catch? 437 00:15:01,293 --> 00:15:03,060 Well, there's a lot of donations 438 00:15:03,095 --> 00:15:04,528 and some shame around sex, 439 00:15:04,597 --> 00:15:05,929 but Christmas is fun. 440 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:08,332 Ugh. I don't even know how I can decide, 441 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,701 but I guess it can't hurt. 442 00:15:10,803 --> 00:15:11,935 GLORIA: Yahoo! 443 00:15:12,071 --> 00:15:13,971 You're going to the kingdom of Heaven. 444 00:15:14,073 --> 00:15:16,740 And there, you're going to join the souls 445 00:15:16,842 --> 00:15:18,141 of some of our greats, 446 00:15:18,243 --> 00:15:20,711 like Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, 447 00:15:20,813 --> 00:15:22,946 Danny DeVito when he dies. 448 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,581 Go. 449 00:15:24,775 --> 00:15:25,849 Yes. 450 00:15:25,850 --> 00:15:29,850 _ 451 00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:32,322 - Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. - What now? 452 00:15:32,324 --> 00:15:33,390 Well, I'm sorry. 453 00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:35,191 It just... It suddenly just got very real, 454 00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:36,893 and it does not feel right, 455 00:15:36,962 --> 00:15:38,128 and I don't know why, 456 00:15:38,230 --> 00:15:39,896 Grandpa, am I making too much of this? I... 457 00:15:39,998 --> 00:15:42,632 Don't ask him because he doesn't even believe in God. 458 00:15:42,701 --> 00:15:43,767 I just don't think 459 00:15:43,835 --> 00:15:46,102 you need church, costumes, all that stuff 460 00:15:46,204 --> 00:15:47,704 to feel a higher power. 461 00:15:48,535 --> 00:15:49,906 But you think there is one? 462 00:15:50,008 --> 00:15:51,807 Yeah, I felt it when my kids were born, 463 00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:53,676 and, um, when I met this crazy woman here 464 00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:55,745 that I want to spend the rest of my life with, 465 00:15:55,847 --> 00:15:58,114 but, you know, it can be just a normal everyday thing, too. 466 00:15:58,182 --> 00:15:59,582 You know, like the way it makes me feel 467 00:15:59,651 --> 00:16:01,851 when I hear a baseball thump into a mitt 468 00:16:01,953 --> 00:16:03,953 or the way Tom Waits' voice 469 00:16:04,022 --> 00:16:07,757 can somehow be ugly and beautiful at the same time. 470 00:16:07,825 --> 00:16:09,125 Am I making any sense? 471 00:16:09,859 --> 00:16:10,893 You know, last year, 472 00:16:10,895 --> 00:16:12,561 Dylan and I went to Yosemite, 473 00:16:12,663 --> 00:16:14,864 and we woke up really early one morning, 474 00:16:14,966 --> 00:16:17,633 and it was just us and those gorgeous mountains, 475 00:16:17,735 --> 00:16:21,036 a bunch of huge trees, and a family of deer. 476 00:16:21,973 --> 00:16:23,539 It was so beautiful, 477 00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:26,075 and it made me feel like I was connected 478 00:16:26,177 --> 00:16:28,444 to something bigger than myself. [CHUCKLES] 479 00:16:28,879 --> 00:16:30,078 You know what, maybe one day 480 00:16:30,180 --> 00:16:31,680 we can get them baptized in a church, 481 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,181 but for now, 482 00:16:33,250 --> 00:16:35,617 why don't we take them up to Yosemite 483 00:16:35,719 --> 00:16:38,487 and look up and say thank you? 484 00:16:39,937 --> 00:16:42,090 That sounds like a great plan, Haley. 485 00:16:42,159 --> 00:16:42,952 - [BABIES COO] - GLORIA: Yeah. 486 00:16:42,994 --> 00:16:45,327 And maybe roast some marshmallows while you're there 487 00:16:45,429 --> 00:16:48,163 so that they get used to being around fire. 488 00:16:48,462 --> 00:16:50,595 No, Nick, you can't keep taking money from marketing. 489 00:16:50,697 --> 00:16:51,763 They need... 490 00:16:51,865 --> 00:16:52,898 What? 491 00:16:52,966 --> 00:16:54,466 No, I will not stay on the phone 492 00:16:54,568 --> 00:16:56,001 while you moon a cruise ship. 493 00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:57,068 Are you... 494 00:16:57,070 --> 00:16:58,003 - PHIL: Claire? - Hang on. 495 00:16:58,071 --> 00:17:00,038 Claire. What was that out there? 496 00:17:00,107 --> 00:17:02,040 I thought we were supposed to be on the same team. 497 00:17:02,042 --> 00:17:03,408 We are. I... 498 00:17:03,477 --> 00:17:04,576 They've got a great idea. 499 00:17:04,678 --> 00:17:07,245 You're just jealous because Luke went to Scooter and not to you. 500 00:17:07,247 --> 00:17:08,880 That is not true. 501 00:17:08,982 --> 00:17:10,482 Really? You don't think they're on to something? 502 00:17:10,584 --> 00:17:12,083 - It's an amazing idea. - Okay. 503 00:17:12,185 --> 00:17:14,519 But why didn't he come to me? 504 00:17:14,621 --> 00:17:17,288 Because you love everything I do. 505 00:17:17,307 --> 00:17:19,507 I wanted to make sure this was actually a good idea. 506 00:17:19,609 --> 00:17:21,109 That is so smart. 507 00:17:21,177 --> 00:17:23,111 How is someone this handsome... 508 00:17:23,213 --> 00:17:25,546 Okay, this is what I'm talking about. 509 00:17:25,615 --> 00:17:28,383 I love inventing with you, but this is a business. 510 00:17:28,485 --> 00:17:30,485 And Scooter has a lot of experience. 511 00:17:30,587 --> 00:17:31,719 That doesn't take away from 512 00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:33,688 all of the things that we've made together. 513 00:17:33,706 --> 00:17:35,439 All of that stuff brought me here. 514 00:17:35,541 --> 00:17:38,376 - Really? - You can't spell FormFiller without Phil. 515 00:17:38,478 --> 00:17:40,044 But you know you can, right? 516 00:17:40,113 --> 00:17:41,779 The man's hurting. I'm throwing him a bone. 517 00:17:41,848 --> 00:17:43,614 - I'm proud of you, Luke. - [SIGHS] 518 00:17:43,716 --> 00:17:45,983 Damn it, I'm proud of Scooter, too. 519 00:17:46,946 --> 00:17:47,985 Wow. 520 00:17:48,187 --> 00:17:50,654 You know, seeing your guys' pitch, 521 00:17:50,756 --> 00:17:54,591 and the... the passion, that sparkle in your eye, 522 00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:57,628 I... I don't remember the last time 523 00:17:57,730 --> 00:17:59,463 I saw you care about anything that much. 524 00:17:59,565 --> 00:18:01,198 [SIGHS] 525 00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:02,766 I don't remember the last time I did. 526 00:18:02,835 --> 00:18:03,934 That's super hurtful. 527 00:18:04,036 --> 00:18:06,003 No, sweetie, I'm talking about work. 528 00:18:06,105 --> 00:18:08,706 I... Honestly, I used to get up in the morning, 529 00:18:08,774 --> 00:18:11,208 and I couldn't wait to get to the office. 530 00:18:11,310 --> 00:18:13,110 And now I dread it. 531 00:18:13,834 --> 00:18:19,416 I do. I miss loving my job or even liking it. 532 00:18:19,452 --> 00:18:22,886 Now all I do is put out fires and manage complaints 533 00:18:22,955 --> 00:18:25,222 and... and lose sleep over stuff 534 00:18:25,324 --> 00:18:28,025 that really doesn't matter. 535 00:18:30,029 --> 00:18:31,895 Yeah. I think I'm... 536 00:18:31,997 --> 00:18:34,298 I think I'm gonna quit my job. 537 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,499 Are you serious? 538 00:18:36,194 --> 00:18:37,267 Yeah. 539 00:18:37,369 --> 00:18:38,935 Is that... Is that crazy? 540 00:18:39,463 --> 00:18:42,372 Uh, no. No, not necessarily. 541 00:18:42,508 --> 00:18:44,107 I mean, crazy is sticking with something 542 00:18:44,159 --> 00:18:46,226 that's been making you miserable for months 543 00:18:46,328 --> 00:18:47,961 when there are so many companies out there 544 00:18:48,063 --> 00:18:50,030 who would want someone with your skills. 545 00:18:51,180 --> 00:18:52,580 Hey, Nick, you still there? 546 00:18:52,615 --> 00:18:55,068 I told my son this morning that he should never quit. 547 00:18:55,137 --> 00:18:56,937 Well, I was wrong. 548 00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:58,071 I'm out. 549 00:18:58,707 --> 00:18:59,806 [CELLPHONE BEEPS, THUDS] 550 00:19:01,409 --> 00:19:03,276 Aah! That felt so good! 551 00:19:03,345 --> 00:19:05,044 It was so scary, but it was so good. 552 00:19:05,146 --> 00:19:06,980 - [LAUGHS] - I'm so proud of you, too! 553 00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:08,982 - Ohh! - Hear, hear! 554 00:19:09,084 --> 00:19:11,017 To our next adventure! 555 00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,386 Oh, I found this in the wine cellar. 556 00:19:13,488 --> 00:19:15,355 It's a basement, Margaret. 557 00:19:15,423 --> 00:19:16,656 CAMERON: No, no, close the gap! 558 00:19:16,725 --> 00:19:18,725 Ball, ball, ball, ball, ball! 559 00:19:18,827 --> 00:19:20,560 Oh! [GROANS] 560 00:19:21,363 --> 00:19:22,795 CAMERON: It was a nightmare. 561 00:19:22,897 --> 00:19:24,831 The biggest opportunity of my career, 562 00:19:24,933 --> 00:19:26,399 and I couldn't focus. 563 00:19:26,501 --> 00:19:28,801 I tried not to make any mockable movements. 564 00:19:29,917 --> 00:19:33,139 David Tashi was just operating at too high a level. 565 00:19:33,241 --> 00:19:35,174 But then something wonderful happened. 566 00:19:37,846 --> 00:19:39,479 [YELLS] 567 00:19:39,547 --> 00:19:41,447 Oh. You hurt me. 568 00:19:41,549 --> 00:19:42,648 [CROWD CHANTING "DOLPHIN!"] 569 00:19:42,751 --> 00:19:44,984 That's when I realized I knew that chicken... 570 00:19:45,086 --> 00:19:46,185 Those weak punches, 571 00:19:46,287 --> 00:19:48,721 a run that said "Pick me last" in gym class. 572 00:19:48,823 --> 00:19:50,089 It was my Mitchell. 573 00:19:50,191 --> 00:19:52,392 Okay, guys, come on! Let's huddle up. Huddle up. 574 00:19:52,494 --> 00:19:53,526 Let's get out there and play our hearts out. 575 00:19:53,628 --> 00:19:55,561 Let's go, let's go! Bring it in! 576 00:19:55,892 --> 00:19:56,896 Pitkowski, come on. 577 00:19:56,898 --> 00:19:58,364 Something more interesting going on over there? 578 00:19:58,466 --> 00:19:59,475 Yeah, does anybody else 579 00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:01,467 see the dolphin fighting the chicken? 580 00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:03,269 'Cause I got hit pretty hard in the head earlier. 581 00:20:03,271 --> 00:20:04,370 [BAND PLAYS] 582 00:20:04,372 --> 00:20:05,438 All right, let's go. 583 00:20:05,540 --> 00:20:06,773 All right, so this is what we're gonna do. 584 00:20:06,875 --> 00:20:08,975 We're gonna go up, right, you're gonna be cutting... 585 00:20:09,077 --> 00:20:11,544 ♪ 586 00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:16,358 Where's Daddy? 587 00:20:16,430 --> 00:20:18,030 He went to go return the chicken costume. 588 00:20:18,132 --> 00:20:20,165 That was like two hours ago. 589 00:20:20,267 --> 00:20:21,867 You don't think... 590 00:20:22,336 --> 00:20:24,236 CAMERON: Okay, Mitchell? 591 00:20:24,338 --> 00:20:25,937 Is that you in the mascot costume? 592 00:20:28,542 --> 00:20:30,509 Is someone forcing you to do that? 593 00:20:31,145 --> 00:20:33,278 Okay, then get in the car now. 594 00:20:33,380 --> 00:20:34,479 I stayed in California. 595 00:20:34,481 --> 00:20:36,081 I married outside of my religion. 596 00:20:36,150 --> 00:20:38,917 I spend every waking moment with your family. 597 00:20:39,019 --> 00:20:41,258 But my love is not unconditional. 598 00:20:43,335 --> 00:20:44,434 O-Okay. 599 00:20:44,536 --> 00:20:46,369 Alright. 600 00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:48,938 I love it when they honk for me. 601 00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:54,043 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com