1
00:00:03,593 --> 00:00:05,075
Shh!
2
00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:07,267
Do you hear that?
I can't find my phone.
3
00:00:07,353 --> 00:00:09,251
I think it's coming
from the fruit bowl.
4
00:00:12,989 --> 00:00:14,619
Oh, no.
5
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:21,095
I've been doing
sleep magic again.
6
00:00:21,564 --> 00:00:23,126
You look like
you haven't slept at all.
7
00:00:23,212 --> 00:00:24,595
Maybe an hour or two
a night.
8
00:00:24,681 --> 00:00:26,033
I've tried everything:
9
00:00:26,388 --> 00:00:28,681
warm shower before bed,
meditation,
10
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:31,080
reading my operating system's
user agreement.
11
00:00:31,166 --> 00:00:33,247
Did you try asking Alex about
the struggles that are unique
12
00:00:33,332 --> 00:00:34,376
to women in science?
13
00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:36,431
Late last night.
I think she's still going.
14
00:00:36,565 --> 00:00:38,177
It's the worst
possible timing.
15
00:00:38,363 --> 00:00:40,236
I have a video shoot
for a big listing today,
16
00:00:40,322 --> 00:00:41,417
and I'm supposed to
be on camera.
17
00:00:41,502 --> 00:00:42,549
I gotta go.
18
00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:44,697
Dad, your keys.
19
00:00:46,670 --> 00:00:48,628
You know what?
I'lldrive.
20
00:00:50,427 --> 00:00:51,689
Good luck
with your interview.
21
00:00:51,775 --> 00:00:54,494
Oh, you know what?
I decided to pass on that.
22
00:00:54,752 --> 00:00:55,776
Why?
23
00:00:55,862 --> 00:00:58,345
That's an amazing job,
and you were so excited.
24
00:00:58,431 --> 00:01:00,870
I think I was flattered.
25
00:01:00,956 --> 00:01:03,134
Like when you go to a bar
and a guy sends you a drink.
26
00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:05,660
I'm at the leading scientific
university in the country.
27
00:01:05,794 --> 00:01:07,841
Those guys can't even
look their robotsin the eye.
28
00:01:07,927 --> 00:01:11,454
I was asked to interview
for CEO of Uncle Ned's Cookies,
29
00:01:11,540 --> 00:01:13,973
a major player
in the snack food industry.
30
00:01:14,059 --> 00:01:15,673
The position opened up
because it turns out.
31
00:01:15,758 --> 00:01:18,009
Uncle Ned liked to play
fast and loose with...
32
00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:20,079
his genitals at work.
33
00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,571
Mom, you need
to take that interview.
34
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:24,485
Now that they're purging
male creeps
35
00:01:24,571 --> 00:01:25,876
from executive positions,
36
00:01:25,962 --> 00:01:29,098
strong women are finally getting
their seat at the table.
37
00:01:29,184 --> 00:01:31,048
Honey, I already have a seat
at the table.
38
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,798
In fact,
at the headof the table.
39
00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,192
You mean
when Grandpa's not there?
40
00:01:34,277 --> 00:01:35,298
Tables have two heads.
41
00:01:35,384 --> 00:01:37,907
I'm only bringing out
my trademark hard truths
42
00:01:37,993 --> 00:01:39,302
because I don't want you
to pass up
43
00:01:39,387 --> 00:01:42,435
an amazing opportunity
in deference to the patriarchy.
44
00:01:42,521 --> 00:01:45,439
Honey, I have a lot of amazing
opportunities at my current job.
45
00:01:45,525 --> 00:01:47,751
And isn't Uncle Ned's
basically just stoner food?
46
00:01:47,837 --> 00:01:48,985
We love
Uncle Ned's!
47
00:01:49,071 --> 00:01:50,852
I miss those.
48
00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:54,114
Thank you for your concern,
but I'll be fine.
49
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,560
Maybe I'm just projecting
my own frustrations
50
00:01:56,646 --> 00:01:57,911
with the science world.
51
00:01:58,005 --> 00:02:00,622
You know, there are
only three female PhDs...
52
00:02:00,708 --> 00:02:03,349
Sweetheart, I'm sorry,
but I have to stay alert.
53
00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:14,493
*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 16
54
00:02:14,579 --> 00:02:16,579
*MODERN FAMILY*
Episode Title: "Red Alert"
55
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,422
Lily, sweetie, open up.
We're gonna be late for school.
56
00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,336
I'm not going!
Leave me alone!
57
00:02:22,422 --> 00:02:23,454
Another meltdown.
58
00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:24,666
She's locked herself
in the bathroom.
59
00:02:24,751 --> 00:02:26,447
Now don't you wish you'd let me
build that outhouse?
60
00:02:26,532 --> 00:02:27,444
Still no.
61
00:02:27,530 --> 00:02:28,571
Hey, hey.
62
00:02:28,657 --> 00:02:30,282
W-What is going on
with her?
63
00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:32,265
S-She's been
so moody recently,
64
00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:34,112
screaming one minute,
crying the next.
65
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:35,133
You know what?
66
00:02:35,266 --> 00:02:36,835
I think I know
what this might be.
67
00:02:36,921 --> 00:02:37,858
O-Oh?
68
00:02:37,944 --> 00:02:41,093
She had a volcano due
in science class today,
69
00:02:41,179 --> 00:02:42,727
and when I was her age
and had a big project,
70
00:02:42,812 --> 00:02:44,516
I'd get stressed out
and act just like this.
71
00:02:44,601 --> 00:02:45,977
You know, I still have
nightmares about
72
00:02:46,062 --> 00:02:47,577
my War of Northern Aggression
diorama.
73
00:02:47,663 --> 00:02:49,171
Okay. What did we say
when we got married?
74
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:50,216
Never go to bed angry
75
00:02:50,301 --> 00:02:51,711
and you have to call it
the Civil War.
76
00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:53,393
Okay, I'll go check
and see how far she's gotten.
77
00:02:53,478 --> 00:02:56,296
Okay, Lily, honey, come on.
Come out, all right?
78
00:02:56,382 --> 00:02:58,022
We can help you
fix your volcano,
79
00:02:58,108 --> 00:02:59,890
and... and you'll still
make it to school.
80
00:02:59,976 --> 00:03:00,929
Worst comes to worst,
81
00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,691
you'll be a little late
for your first period.
82
00:03:02,776 --> 00:03:04,393
Actually,
she's a little early.
83
00:03:04,479 --> 00:03:06,244
- Hm?
- So...
84
00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:07,721
Lily is
a menstruator now.
85
00:03:07,807 --> 00:03:08,729
That's not
what you call it.
86
00:03:08,815 --> 00:03:10,049
Well, I'm just
ashamed to admit
87
00:03:10,135 --> 00:03:11,589
that we never really
prepared her for it.
88
00:03:11,674 --> 00:03:13,885
Hey, we tried
that one time.
89
00:03:15,734 --> 00:03:17,458
Hey, girl. Hey!
Hey!
90
00:03:17,544 --> 00:03:19,940
So, sweetie, Daddy and I
were wondering if,
91
00:03:20,026 --> 00:03:21,943
now that you're wearing
a training bra,
92
00:03:22,028 --> 00:03:25,207
if you had any other questions
about your changing body.
93
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:26,208
Can we just not?
94
00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:27,731
Sounds good.
Yeah, perfect.
95
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:29,385
I thought
you were gonna ask Claire
96
00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:30,604
to talk to Lily
about this.
97
00:03:30,689 --> 00:03:33,095
Well, I was, but when I tried,
Claire was in such a mood,
98
00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:34,347
because, ironically...
99
00:03:34,432 --> 00:03:37,350
Okay, we can't screw this up.
We cannot give her a complex.
100
00:03:37,435 --> 00:03:40,396
Okay, you see
if you can track down Claire.
101
00:03:40,481 --> 00:03:41,615
I will
go to the pharmacy
102
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:44,226
and try and conquer my fear
of the feminine care aisle.
103
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:45,619
Poor Lily.
104
00:03:45,704 --> 00:03:46,850
You know,
it could be worse.
105
00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:49,202
If she were a sheep, she'd be
dealing with this every 17 days.
106
00:03:49,287 --> 00:03:51,530
Promise you won't say that
while I'm gone.
107
00:03:52,913 --> 00:03:54,983
All right,
let's try the swaddle again.
108
00:03:55,228 --> 00:03:57,058
Our blankets are folded
into triangles,
109
00:03:57,144 --> 00:03:58,626
we do a left tuck,
110
00:03:58,712 --> 00:03:59,932
a toe tuck,
111
00:04:00,018 --> 00:04:01,163
a right tuck,
112
00:04:01,249 --> 00:04:03,233
and voilà,
baby burrito.
113
00:04:03,319 --> 00:04:05,311
Ugh! How did you
do yours?!
114
00:04:05,463 --> 00:04:07,467
I guess that summer
working at Burrito Basement
115
00:04:07,553 --> 00:04:08,729
was worth the E. coli.
116
00:04:08,814 --> 00:04:11,210
Dylan and I have been taking
a baby care class.
117
00:04:11,296 --> 00:04:13,663
It's frustrating, because
even though he's missed some,
118
00:04:13,749 --> 00:04:14,795
he's crushing it.
119
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,389
The class,
not the practice doll.
120
00:04:16,474 --> 00:04:18,264
That was me.
121
00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:21,390
Let's move on. What else
do we have to get down for today?
122
00:04:21,476 --> 00:04:22,983
- Burping.
- Great!
123
00:04:23,069 --> 00:04:25,931
A bur-bur-burp.
Boom. What's next?
124
00:04:26,017 --> 00:04:26,803
Hold on, Mom.
125
00:04:26,889 --> 00:04:28,400
Do you remember
the four other methods
126
00:04:28,486 --> 00:04:29,920
in case over-the-shoulder
doesn't work?
127
00:04:30,005 --> 00:04:32,342
Uh, was one scare 'em?
128
00:04:32,428 --> 00:04:33,561
There's over-the-lap,
129
00:04:33,758 --> 00:04:34,795
over-the-knee,
130
00:04:34,881 --> 00:04:36,663
Grandmother's burp,
and the bounce burp.
131
00:04:36,749 --> 00:04:38,884
Ugh.
Why do I suck at this?
132
00:04:39,027 --> 00:04:41,546
I know it's overwhelming,
but you're gonna get there.
133
00:04:41,632 --> 00:04:43,071
Don't worry.
134
00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:46,569
Stop showing off.
135
00:04:47,430 --> 00:04:49,389
Oh, good.
You're sitting down.
136
00:04:49,475 --> 00:04:50,444
We have a problem.
137
00:04:50,530 --> 00:04:53,272
I went on the company website,
and somebody left off
138
00:04:53,358 --> 00:04:55,491
the brushed brass upgrade
on the Executive Premiere.
139
00:04:55,577 --> 00:04:57,319
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I eighty-sixed that.
140
00:04:57,405 --> 00:04:58,583
I already signed off
on it.
141
00:04:58,669 --> 00:05:00,320
They probably just wanted
to double-check with me.
142
00:05:00,405 --> 00:05:02,670
You know, I do have
30 years' experience.
143
00:05:02,756 --> 00:05:05,313
Closet Time Magazine
once called me.
144
00:05:05,399 --> 00:05:08,157
"The Neil Armstrong
of the storage space race."
145
00:05:08,243 --> 00:05:10,009
Okay, Dad, you work
two days a week,
146
00:05:10,095 --> 00:05:12,321
and you spent
the entire last staff meeting
147
00:05:12,407 --> 00:05:13,399
doodling a pineapple.
148
00:05:13,485 --> 00:05:15,577
How about this... take the helm
on the Berkshire line.
149
00:05:15,662 --> 00:05:16,735
I discontinued that.
150
00:05:16,821 --> 00:05:19,055
Yeah, but then Jeff cornered me
in the men's room,
151
00:05:19,141 --> 00:05:20,048
and I relaunched it.
152
00:05:20,134 --> 00:05:23,313
Okay, Dad,
you are putting me
153
00:05:23,446 --> 00:05:25,445
in an impossible
position.
154
00:05:25,531 --> 00:05:28,319
I make decisions, and then
you go around undermining them.
155
00:05:28,405 --> 00:05:30,765
Everybody values your opinions
around here, Claire.
156
00:05:30,851 --> 00:05:32,637
In fact, I'd like your opinion
right now.
157
00:05:32,723 --> 00:05:34,687
Does this
look like an igloo?
158
00:05:36,063 --> 00:05:38,328
Uncle Ned's Cookies
wants me to be their CEO.
159
00:05:38,413 --> 00:05:40,375
What?! You're considering
Uncle Ned's?!
160
00:05:40,461 --> 00:05:41,725
Are you on reefer?!
161
00:05:41,811 --> 00:05:43,689
That company has
tremendous growth potential.
162
00:05:43,775 --> 00:05:45,987
It's snacks!
This is closets!
163
00:05:46,073 --> 00:05:47,667
You're already
at the show!
164
00:05:47,753 --> 00:05:49,589
At least there,
I can be the boss
165
00:05:49,675 --> 00:05:51,722
and not just
the boss's daughter.
166
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,769
Is this the part
where I apologize
167
00:05:53,863 --> 00:05:55,026
for handing you a company.
168
00:05:55,112 --> 00:05:57,237
Closet Fancy once called
"top shelf"?!
169
00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,846
No, this is the part
where I take an interview
170
00:05:59,932 --> 00:06:03,280
with people who actually
recognize my value!
171
00:06:04,804 --> 00:06:06,651
Damn whisper slides.
172
00:06:07,994 --> 00:06:09,581
Is Lily still
in the bathroom?
173
00:06:09,713 --> 00:06:11,473
No, I used Larry's cat box
for fun.
174
00:06:11,559 --> 00:06:13,135
- Ew!
- Okay.
175
00:06:13,221 --> 00:06:15,135
Really?
She needed all of this?
176
00:06:15,221 --> 00:06:16,581
It was
totally overwhelming.
177
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,280
I just... I just grabbed
as much as I could.
178
00:06:18,365 --> 00:06:21,448
I have tampons, maxi pads,
variety packs...
179
00:06:21,534 --> 00:06:22,752
Oh, and this thing
called a Diva Cup,
180
00:06:22,837 --> 00:06:24,901
'cause, I don't know, sounded kind of cute.
- Mm.
181
00:06:24,987 --> 00:06:26,495
So, what are we
supposed to do?
182
00:06:26,581 --> 00:06:29,108
We can't just throw these boxes
in there and wish her good luck.
183
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,706
Oh, thank God.
184
00:06:30,792 --> 00:06:31,886
Is that Claire?
Did you reach her?
185
00:06:31,971 --> 00:06:35,604
No, she wasn't answering,
so I... I called for backup.
186
00:06:35,690 --> 00:06:38,018
Thank you for including me
in this special time.
187
00:06:38,104 --> 00:06:40,990
I brought flowers
because our Lily's blossoming!
188
00:06:41,076 --> 00:06:43,120
Well, we really appreciate
you helping us out.
189
00:06:43,206 --> 00:06:44,377
Of course.
190
00:06:44,463 --> 00:06:46,721
This is when it's good
to have a woman in the house.
191
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,789
Not that two men
raising a daughter
192
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,948
is unnatural
in any way.
193
00:06:51,034 --> 00:06:52,474
Pretty sure
no one was thinking that.
194
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,502
Sorry... I-I panicked
and sent a group text
195
00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,463
because I didn't know
who would respond.
196
00:06:57,549 --> 00:06:59,466
Hey. I brought Lily
some pamphlets.
197
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,252
Understanding the biology
will help make her
198
00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:02,987
more comfortable
with her menses.
199
00:07:03,081 --> 00:07:06,347
Mensies? How is that not
a gay bar for little men?
200
00:07:06,451 --> 00:07:08,144
We should... We're not buying
another domain name.
201
00:07:08,229 --> 00:07:10,018
She doesn't need pamphlets.
202
00:07:10,104 --> 00:07:11,581
She needs
love and support.
203
00:07:11,667 --> 00:07:13,307
It's a beautiful
rite of passage
204
00:07:13,393 --> 00:07:15,920
that is going to connect her
with women everywhere.
205
00:07:16,006 --> 00:07:17,979
Let's not get poetic.
It hurts like hell.
206
00:07:18,065 --> 00:07:20,292
And that's why I brought
all the ingredients
207
00:07:20,378 --> 00:07:23,377
to make her a traditional
Colombian period poultice,
208
00:07:23,463 --> 00:07:26,077
and she can rub it on her belly
when she gets cramps.
209
00:07:26,163 --> 00:07:27,775
Or she could just
take some ibuprofen.
210
00:07:27,861 --> 00:07:29,952
Oh, but is that going to
draw out all of her sins?
211
00:07:30,038 --> 00:07:32,521
'Cause that's why women get
their period in the first place.
212
00:07:32,607 --> 00:07:35,299
Okay, very helpful.
Two equally worthy paths.
213
00:07:35,385 --> 00:07:37,253
Yeah, gotta say
I'm leaning toward the pamphlet.
214
00:07:37,338 --> 00:07:38,823
Hey, how's Lily?
215
00:07:38,909 --> 00:07:40,237
Oh, great...
More voices.
216
00:07:40,345 --> 00:07:41,666
- Where is she?
- She's still locked
217
00:07:41,751 --> 00:07:42,737
- n the bathroom.
- Damn it!
218
00:07:42,823 --> 00:07:45,268
I have two fetuses
kicking me in the bladder,
219
00:07:45,385 --> 00:07:46,674
and I really
have to pee!
220
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,926
Okay, well, Larry's litter box
is on the porch.
221
00:07:49,012 --> 00:07:50,802
She's pregnant!
You can't ask her to go outside
222
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:51,989
- and squat ov...
- Be right back!
223
00:07:52,074 --> 00:07:53,426
Gross!
224
00:07:53,661 --> 00:07:55,692
You're not better than us,
you know.
225
00:07:57,491 --> 00:07:58,934
Why do you think
you're not sleeping?
226
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,090
I don't know.
227
00:08:00,376 --> 00:08:02,076
I guess I got a lot
on my mind.
228
00:08:02,162 --> 00:08:04,021
Bills, my one numb toe,
229
00:08:04,107 --> 00:08:05,670
is Haley gonna be
a terrible mom,
230
00:08:05,756 --> 00:08:06,740
global warming...
231
00:08:06,825 --> 00:08:08,029
Back up, back up,
back up.
232
00:08:08,115 --> 00:08:09,177
Which toe is numb?
233
00:08:09,263 --> 00:08:11,178
Left foot.
The one that goes to market.
234
00:08:11,395 --> 00:08:13,256
And why are you
worried about Haley?
235
00:08:13,396 --> 00:08:16,880
At her baby class,
she did not seem ready.
236
00:08:17,294 --> 00:08:19,373
I'm kind of glad
Dylan had to work today.
237
00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:20,952
I'm excited to see
what you've learned.
238
00:08:21,037 --> 00:08:23,951
Okay, everybody.
Quick review before we start.
239
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:27,264
At what age can you first
give babies solid food?
240
00:08:27,499 --> 00:08:28,732
- Six months.
- Two years!
241
00:08:28,818 --> 00:08:31,443
And when you put baby down to
sleep, you place him on his...
242
00:08:31,529 --> 00:08:32,756
- Back.
- Mattress.
243
00:08:32,842 --> 00:08:34,693
And the fontanelle is...
244
00:08:34,779 --> 00:08:37,156
- Soft spot.
- A hotel in Miami?
245
00:08:37,686 --> 00:08:39,984
Phil.
You ready to sell a house?
246
00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:41,937
Yes. Yes.
Let's do this.
247
00:08:42,023 --> 00:08:44,007
Uh, Desmond,
this is my director, Luke.
248
00:08:44,093 --> 00:08:45,040
I'm your son.
249
00:08:45,126 --> 00:08:47,331
Aww.
You always will be.
250
00:08:47,417 --> 00:08:48,531
Ohh!
251
00:08:49,624 --> 00:08:50,279
Dad.
252
00:08:50,365 --> 00:08:52,101
Desmond is the brains
253
00:08:52,187 --> 00:08:55,203
behind thebest high-end
real-estate walkthrough videos.
254
00:08:55,289 --> 00:08:57,511
He's helped move more houses
than, um...
255
00:08:57,663 --> 00:08:59,014
than, uh...
256
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:00,460
What's the...
What's the crack
257
00:09:00,546 --> 00:09:02,430
that... causes
all the earthquakes?
258
00:09:02,516 --> 00:09:04,065
The San Andreas fault.
259
00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:06,902
That's funny.
260
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,538
So, to recap
our discussion,
261
00:09:09,914 --> 00:09:11,483
we'll start with the camera
coming down the walk.
262
00:09:11,568 --> 00:09:15,052
You open the door, say "Welcome
to 15683 Canyon Ridge Drive",
263
00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:17,707
a six-bedroom, seven-bathroom,
8,600 square-foot home
264
00:09:17,792 --> 00:09:19,742
"in the prestigious
90212 ZIP code."
265
00:09:19,828 --> 00:09:20,992
Ah.You got it?
266
00:09:21,078 --> 00:09:24,158
15683, 15683...
267
00:09:24,244 --> 00:09:25,127
I got it.
268
00:09:25,213 --> 00:09:27,179
Desmond:
Good. Let's try one.
269
00:09:27,510 --> 00:09:28,774
Here we go.
270
00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:30,656
Ready, and...
271
00:09:30,742 --> 00:09:31,945
action.
272
00:09:32,091 --> 00:09:35,765
15683.
273
00:09:37,783 --> 00:09:39,352
Cut. Moving on?
274
00:09:39,522 --> 00:09:40,875
N-No.
275
00:09:41,137 --> 00:09:43,578
No, that wasn't right
at all.
276
00:09:43,664 --> 00:09:45,070
Um...
pretty sure it was.
277
00:09:45,156 --> 00:09:46,398
Phil.
278
00:09:46,484 --> 00:09:47,773
You've got to do
the whole thing.
279
00:09:47,859 --> 00:09:48,961
Oh.
280
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,765
Oh, yes.
Yeah, of course.
281
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:51,898
Yeah.
282
00:09:51,984 --> 00:09:52,941
All right.
283
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,390
Back to one.
284
00:09:55,234 --> 00:09:56,953
Ready, and...
285
00:09:57,473 --> 00:09:58,691
action.
286
00:10:04,273 --> 00:10:05,450
Thank you.
287
00:10:05,536 --> 00:10:07,742
Claire!
Thanks for coming in.
288
00:10:07,828 --> 00:10:09,414
I'm Ben.
This is my brother, Evan.
289
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:10,198
Hi.
290
00:10:10,284 --> 00:10:11,390
Our dad's Uncle Ned.
291
00:10:11,476 --> 00:10:12,957
But we just call him Dad.
292
00:10:13,089 --> 00:10:14,658
We are so happy
you're here.
293
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,871
Well, thank you so much
for having me.
294
00:10:16,957 --> 00:10:19,855
And can I say...
It smells amazing in here!
295
00:10:19,976 --> 00:10:21,588
It's the cookies.
296
00:10:21,827 --> 00:10:22,897
Yeah.
297
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:24,492
We are so very impressed
298
00:10:24,578 --> 00:10:27,090
with what your closet company
has done, fiscally speaking.
299
00:10:27,176 --> 00:10:29,871
Well, to be fair, my dad is
the one who built the business.
300
00:10:29,957 --> 00:10:31,221
We can relate to that.
301
00:10:31,307 --> 00:10:32,571
But we mean
since youjoined.
302
00:10:32,657 --> 00:10:35,140
Many people are saying
that's when it really took off.
303
00:10:35,226 --> 00:10:37,691
It is so nice
to be recognized.
304
00:10:37,777 --> 00:10:41,044
I... I see tremendous growth
potential in this company.
305
00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:42,262
We think so.
306
00:10:42,348 --> 00:10:44,701
That is, with the right captain
steering the ship,
307
00:10:44,787 --> 00:10:46,181
fiscally speaking.
308
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:50,339
Which is why we're prepared
to offer you a big salary,
309
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,628
stock stuff...
310
00:10:51,714 --> 00:10:53,934
And all the cookies
you can eat.
311
00:10:54,628 --> 00:10:58,009
I didn't expect this to
be going so fast. Um...
312
00:10:58,095 --> 00:11:00,113
Well, we're kind of
on a clock.
313
00:11:00,199 --> 00:11:03,222
You see, the IRS has called
some of our bookkeeping...
314
00:11:03,504 --> 00:11:05,152
"flagrantly illegal."
315
00:11:05,238 --> 00:11:06,459
How could that happen?
316
00:11:06,545 --> 00:11:09,144
We were hoping
youcould tell us.
317
00:11:09,506 --> 00:11:11,206
We don't know anything
about business.
318
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:12,651
- Fiscally speaking?
- Yeah.
319
00:11:12,737 --> 00:11:13,777
- Mm.
- Exactly.
320
00:11:13,863 --> 00:11:15,344
That was kind of
our dad's thing.
321
00:11:15,429 --> 00:11:19,264
Also, making them, selling them,
all that other stuff.
322
00:11:19,456 --> 00:11:22,767
Just to be clear,
what are your roles here?
323
00:11:22,869 --> 00:11:24,870
We used to
taste the cookies,
324
00:11:24,956 --> 00:11:26,956
but now
we're chairmen of the board.
325
00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:28,572
I see.
326
00:11:28,658 --> 00:11:30,855
As such, we are legally
bound to mention
327
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:33,160
a little situation
we have with the FDA.
328
00:11:33,246 --> 00:11:34,566
Thanks to Evan,
329
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,553
we keep failing something called
the "hairs-per-million test."
330
00:11:37,647 --> 00:11:41,066
And due to the videotaped
evidence against our father,
331
00:11:41,152 --> 00:11:43,917
we need a highly qualified woman
such as yourself
332
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:46,308
to testify
in front of Congress.
333
00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,761
Hmm.
334
00:11:47,847 --> 00:11:50,728
Uh... guys,
this is a lot to take in.
335
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:54,206
Well,
I think we know what that means.
336
00:11:54,355 --> 00:11:55,385
Yeah.
337
00:11:55,535 --> 00:11:57,268
Welcome to Uncle Ned's.
338
00:12:02,609 --> 00:12:05,844
Whether you're a bachelor,
a couple, or a flamily...
339
00:12:05,930 --> 00:12:08,144
"Flamily"...
I just said "flamily."
340
00:12:09,405 --> 00:12:10,785
Wait, is it "flamily"?
341
00:12:10,871 --> 00:12:11,923
All right.
342
00:12:12,009 --> 00:12:13,386
Let's just take it from,
343
00:12:13,472 --> 00:12:16,674
"This is modern California
living at its finest."
344
00:12:16,871 --> 00:12:18,637
And action.
345
00:12:18,808 --> 00:12:22,018
This is modern California
living at its finest.
346
00:12:22,196 --> 00:12:23,812
Stop! You're doing
the British accent again.
347
00:12:23,897 --> 00:12:26,167
I'm not hearing it!
348
00:12:26,253 --> 00:12:27,502
And action.
349
00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:29,801
You'll have state-of-the-art...
350
00:12:30,236 --> 00:12:31,684
appliances...
351
00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,887
I'm sorry.
I got this.
352
00:12:40,140 --> 00:12:42,507
Imagine life
from this perspective.
353
00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,195
That thing is gonna hit me!
354
00:12:44,281 --> 00:12:47,148
And best of all,
the entire house is fully automated.
355
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:50,135
You can turn on the gorgeous
fountains right from your phone.
356
00:12:51,736 --> 00:12:53,369
Shoot.
They're not working.
357
00:12:53,659 --> 00:12:55,612
Hey, I can feel my toe!
358
00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:59,159
And this one is about
hormonal fluctuations
359
00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:01,515
that can cause
radical mood swings.
360
00:13:01,601 --> 00:13:04,268
One minute, you're totally fine,
and then the next,
361
00:13:04,354 --> 00:13:06,004
- you're just...
- Go home, nerd!
362
00:13:07,107 --> 00:13:08,706
lashing out when someone
is trying to help you.
363
00:13:08,775 --> 00:13:09,964
Okay, well, thank you for helping,
364
00:13:10,049 --> 00:13:11,026
and don't take it personally.
365
00:13:11,112 --> 00:13:13,128
At least now we know why
she called my signature cuffs
366
00:13:13,213 --> 00:13:15,073
tackier than
the Debbie Reynolds museum.
367
00:13:15,215 --> 00:13:17,181
Y-Yes, that was definitely
the hormones talking.
368
00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:19,884
Look, everyone's taking this
whole thing way too seriously.
369
00:13:19,986 --> 00:13:21,452
When my daughter
has her first Shark Week,
370
00:13:21,521 --> 00:13:22,887
we're just gonna
laugh about it.
371
00:13:22,989 --> 00:13:24,088
That's what girls want.
372
00:13:24,174 --> 00:13:25,401
I mean, it is bananas
373
00:13:25,487 --> 00:13:26,816
what happens down there
every month.
374
00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:29,190
Only good thing is,
it reminds me to pay my bills.
375
00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:31,541
Oh, that's why my credit card
keeps getting denied.
376
00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:33,557
Hey, if there's somewhere
you need to be...
377
00:13:33,643 --> 00:13:35,099
- Just watch this.
- Mm.
378
00:13:37,478 --> 00:13:39,479
- Hey, bitch.
- Haley's here?!
379
00:13:39,565 --> 00:13:41,018
That's right.
And cheer up.
380
00:13:41,104 --> 00:13:43,229
You're missing the whole
silver lining in all of this.
381
00:13:43,315 --> 00:13:45,690
A period is
a Get Out Of Jail Free card
382
00:13:45,776 --> 00:13:47,588
for everything.
383
00:13:47,681 --> 00:13:48,813
Didn't study for a test?
384
00:13:48,882 --> 00:13:50,748
"Oh, wah.
I have cramps."
385
00:13:50,858 --> 00:13:52,244
Don't want to go
to gym class?
386
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:54,002
"Sorry... lady problems."
387
00:13:54,088 --> 00:13:56,447
Wanna eat a whole sheet cake?
Shut down a bad date?
388
00:13:56,533 --> 00:13:58,495
Smuggle some weed into a
concert in your tampon box?
389
00:13:58,580 --> 00:13:59,706
Ain't nobody
looking in there.
390
00:13:59,791 --> 00:14:01,059
What is wrong with you?!
391
00:14:01,161 --> 00:14:03,229
That's the advice you want
to give your daughter?!
392
00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:04,854
I know! I'm a disaster!
393
00:14:04,940 --> 00:14:08,057
How am I going to be a mother?
I can't even make a swaddle!
394
00:14:08,168 --> 00:14:10,416
I'm gonna raise a couple losers,
just like me!
395
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:12,434
It's not your fault,
you sweet dummies!
396
00:14:12,854 --> 00:14:14,072
Lily!
397
00:14:14,174 --> 00:14:15,971
Oh, my God. You too?
398
00:14:16,057 --> 00:14:18,354
I made you
a Colombian poultice.
399
00:14:18,478 --> 00:14:20,645
Is that what stinks?
It's making me sick!
400
00:14:20,747 --> 00:14:22,313
We're gonna rub it
all over your belly,
401
00:14:22,415 --> 00:14:23,665
and it's gonna make you
feel better.
402
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:26,994
It's also not terrible on toast
with a fried egg.
403
00:14:27,159 --> 00:14:28,453
How many people
are out there?!
404
00:14:28,555 --> 00:14:30,541
Just a few
supportive women.
405
00:14:30,627 --> 00:14:31,860
Hello, sisters.
406
00:14:31,986 --> 00:14:33,713
I must've texted the wrong thread.
407
00:14:33,799 --> 00:14:35,727
Allow me
to talk to the Earth Goddess.
408
00:14:35,829 --> 00:14:36,971
U-Um...
409
00:14:37,111 --> 00:14:39,831
Lily?
Step-Uncle Manny's here.
410
00:14:39,933 --> 00:14:41,065
Cherish this.
411
00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:43,568
You've been given
the ability to create life.
412
00:14:43,670 --> 00:14:46,270
Each cramp, each migraine
should remind you...
413
00:14:46,373 --> 00:14:48,539
Get the **** out of here,
Manny!
414
00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:51,421
Take care, everybody.
415
00:14:51,507 --> 00:14:53,846
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
416
00:14:54,813 --> 00:14:56,705
Claire, get in here.
417
00:14:57,581 --> 00:14:59,388
How'd the interview go?
418
00:14:59,474 --> 00:15:00,641
Amazing.
419
00:15:00,727 --> 00:15:03,261
First of all,
that place smells delicious.
420
00:15:03,430 --> 00:15:05,397
They made me
an offer on the spot.
421
00:15:05,499 --> 00:15:07,627
CEO, travel...
422
00:15:07,902 --> 00:15:09,690
hobnobbing with Congressmen.
423
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,209
Well, I'm not surprised.
424
00:15:11,295 --> 00:15:12,916
You're a terrific candidate.
425
00:15:14,074 --> 00:15:15,307
I turned them down.
426
00:15:15,432 --> 00:15:16,524
Why?
427
00:15:16,610 --> 00:15:18,844
Well, first of all,
because I made a commitment
428
00:15:18,913 --> 00:15:20,212
to everyone here
and to you.
429
00:15:20,314 --> 00:15:23,482
And it just...
didn't feel right to leave.
430
00:15:23,658 --> 00:15:26,205
That makes
what I'm about to say awkward.
431
00:15:26,813 --> 00:15:27,986
I'm quitting.
432
00:15:28,072 --> 00:15:30,362
Oh, wha...
You're that mad at me?
433
00:15:30,457 --> 00:15:32,775
No, I listened
to what you said,
434
00:15:32,927 --> 00:15:34,650
and you're never
truly gonna be in charge
435
00:15:34,736 --> 00:15:36,136
until I get out
of your way.
436
00:15:36,263 --> 00:15:37,564
You didn't have to do that for me.
437
00:15:37,649 --> 00:15:38,781
I didn't do it
just for you.
438
00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:40,850
Every good closet man
knows when to hang it up.
439
00:15:40,944 --> 00:15:43,585
And I... I think
I'm ready for a new challenge.
440
00:15:43,671 --> 00:15:45,470
Oh, Dad,
not window tinting.
441
00:15:45,539 --> 00:15:48,686
It's like printing money,
but no, it's not for me.
442
00:15:48,771 --> 00:15:50,371
Here's what
I'm excited about.
443
00:15:50,578 --> 00:15:52,311
Let me show you.
Mm.
444
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:55,396
What am I looking at?
445
00:15:55,482 --> 00:15:56,648
The future.
446
00:15:56,717 --> 00:15:58,460
Fun dog beds.
447
00:15:58,752 --> 00:16:01,253
Oh, my God. This is
the pineapple you were doodling.
448
00:16:01,355 --> 00:16:03,288
Yes!
I designed it myself!
449
00:16:03,390 --> 00:16:05,057
Cool. Cool.
450
00:16:05,159 --> 00:16:06,462
So, the pharmacy tracks
451
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:07,929
how all of your medications
interact, right?
452
00:16:08,014 --> 00:16:09,711
Claire, every year,
453
00:16:09,797 --> 00:16:13,632
people in this country
spend $70 billion on their pets.
454
00:16:13,734 --> 00:16:15,000
People or just you?
455
00:16:15,069 --> 00:16:16,401
I got a manufacturer
lined up.
456
00:16:16,470 --> 00:16:18,303
I'll sell them online,
keep the overhead low,
457
00:16:18,372 --> 00:16:20,153
go to a bunch of dog shows...
super fun.
458
00:16:20,239 --> 00:16:23,224
And if I don't lose all
the money that I made
459
00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:25,474
selling my share
of this place,
460
00:16:25,795 --> 00:16:26,928
I'm happy.
461
00:16:27,014 --> 00:16:28,114
Wow.
462
00:16:28,215 --> 00:16:30,036
It's kind of
the end of an era, huh?
463
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:32,534
Are you sure
you want to do this?
464
00:16:32,620 --> 00:16:34,920
I'd have quit years ago
if you weren't here.
465
00:16:35,772 --> 00:16:37,724
It's gonna be weird
coming to work without you.
466
00:16:37,825 --> 00:16:39,091
Well,
if you miss me too much,
467
00:16:39,159 --> 00:16:42,427
there'll always be a position
for you at Dog Beds by Stella.
468
00:16:42,496 --> 00:16:44,662
Thank you, but I think
maybe it is time
469
00:16:44,748 --> 00:16:45,951
I prove myself on my own.
470
00:16:46,037 --> 00:16:47,967
You sure?
'Cause this could be huge.
471
00:16:48,077 --> 00:16:50,068
I got
a million dog-bed ideas.
472
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:52,647
I got a hot-dog bun,
I got a space capsule,
473
00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:53,999
I got an igloo.
474
00:16:54,085 --> 00:16:56,248
What about one
shaped like a dog bone?
475
00:16:56,971 --> 00:16:57,971
You'll get there.
476
00:17:01,966 --> 00:17:03,557
Hey, how's Lily doing?
477
00:17:03,643 --> 00:17:06,143
Well, I certainly didn't help.
I only made it worse.
478
00:17:06,229 --> 00:17:08,432
What am I gonna do
when our kids need me?
479
00:17:08,518 --> 00:17:09,817
You're overthinking it.
480
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:12,065
The minute you see a sweet
little face that needs you,
481
00:17:12,151 --> 00:17:14,354
your instincts will kick in,
and you'll know what to do.
482
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:15,910
That's what
everybody keeps saying,
483
00:17:15,996 --> 00:17:17,604
but what if it's not true?
484
00:17:19,557 --> 00:17:20,722
Hey, Mr. D.
485
00:17:20,808 --> 00:17:22,526
- Hey.
- Are you okay?
486
00:17:22,628 --> 00:17:24,595
I haven't slept for days,
487
00:17:24,681 --> 00:17:26,729
and I screwed up at work
today.
488
00:17:26,815 --> 00:17:29,221
Oh, I'm sure
it's not as bad as you think.
489
00:17:29,307 --> 00:17:31,948
Well, the cameraman called it
"Disaster-piece Theatre,"
490
00:17:32,034 --> 00:17:33,578
and everybody was like,
"Good one, Craig."
491
00:17:33,647 --> 00:17:36,415
And you know what? It was.
It was a good one, Craig.
492
00:17:36,483 --> 00:17:37,776
Hey, it's okay.
493
00:17:37,862 --> 00:17:39,393
I had to rehire the crew
494
00:17:39,479 --> 00:17:41,186
to shoot the whole thing
again tomorrow.
495
00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:42,254
I'm way over budget.
496
00:17:42,340 --> 00:17:43,394
I'm probably gonna
lose the listing...
497
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,645
Shh.
498
00:17:44,858 --> 00:17:46,358
You're just overtired.
499
00:17:46,427 --> 00:17:48,126
Why don't you
close your eyes?
500
00:17:48,228 --> 00:17:49,961
Dylan,
make some white noise.
501
00:17:50,064 --> 00:17:52,745
I am going to try
something.
502
00:17:52,831 --> 00:17:54,064
Oh. That's nice.
503
00:18:01,875 --> 00:18:03,008
Honey.
504
00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:04,922
You're getting
really good at this.
505
00:18:05,124 --> 00:18:06,423
You think so?
506
00:18:06,563 --> 00:18:07,891
I do.
507
00:18:08,215 --> 00:18:09,406
Thanks.
508
00:18:09,811 --> 00:18:12,245
All right.
You just rest now.
509
00:18:12,331 --> 00:18:14,298
Everything's
gonna be okay.
510
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:16,918
Yeah. It is.
511
00:18:17,101 --> 00:18:19,399
Can I stop now?
I'm gonna pass out.
512
00:18:23,030 --> 00:18:25,364
We could just pick the lock
and get her out of there.
513
00:18:25,432 --> 00:18:27,199
And then what?
She doesn't want to talk to us.
514
00:18:27,267 --> 00:18:29,916
She never wants to talk to us.
That hasn't stopped us before.
515
00:18:30,002 --> 00:18:31,025
We're only letting it now
516
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,454
because we're
uncomfortable, right?
517
00:18:32,539 --> 00:18:33,588
Obviously, you're right.
518
00:18:33,674 --> 00:18:36,189
Why else would I be devouring
Gloria's poultice?
519
00:18:36,472 --> 00:18:37,505
You know what?
520
00:18:37,939 --> 00:18:40,080
Come on.
We're her dads.
521
00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:41,498
We'll figure something out.
522
00:18:41,744 --> 00:18:43,119
Hey, honey?
523
00:18:43,578 --> 00:18:44,744
Everyone's gone.
524
00:18:44,918 --> 00:18:46,518
And we're sorry
we embarrassed you.
525
00:18:46,620 --> 00:18:49,236
We should've never included
all those people into...
526
00:18:49,556 --> 00:18:50,922
this situation.
527
00:18:50,991 --> 00:18:53,258
And just because we're
boys doesn't mean we...
528
00:18:53,327 --> 00:18:54,963
we can't talk you
through your first...
529
00:18:55,049 --> 00:18:57,424
"sloughing off of your
endometrial tissue."
530
00:18:57,510 --> 00:18:59,847
Yeah, "which typically
lasts between two and..."
531
00:18:59,933 --> 00:19:01,689
- seven days"?
- Seven?
532
00:19:01,775 --> 00:19:03,455
- Oh, my God.
- That's crazy.
533
00:19:03,541 --> 00:19:06,236
Look, Lily,
your whole life, it's been...
534
00:19:06,373 --> 00:19:09,374
it's been the three of us
figuring out stuff together.
535
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:12,084
Yeah, don't you remember
in the... in the second grade,
536
00:19:12,179 --> 00:19:15,603
when you came home crying
because Julie Kwan made fun
537
00:19:15,689 --> 00:19:18,350
of your Ricky Martin
"She Bangs" lunch box?
538
00:19:18,445 --> 00:19:20,285
You didn't want to talk about
that, but then,
539
00:19:20,387 --> 00:19:23,189
when you finally did,
you felt better.
540
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,407
Yeah, you... you don't
have to figure this out alone.
541
00:19:25,492 --> 00:19:28,384
Yeah, we may not have gone
through the exact same thing,
542
00:19:28,470 --> 00:19:30,327
but, you know,
in the seventh grade,
543
00:19:30,413 --> 00:19:32,113
our bodies
started changing, too.
544
00:19:32,199 --> 00:19:33,331
Sixth for me.
545
00:19:33,434 --> 00:19:34,634
It's not a competition.
546
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,697
And those changes...
547
00:19:37,237 --> 00:19:38,403
they were confusing.
548
00:19:38,505 --> 00:19:41,139
Yeah, they were con...
confusing and scary
549
00:19:41,225 --> 00:19:43,017
and also, um...
550
00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:46,197
exciting because, um...
551
00:19:46,584 --> 00:19:49,030
you're growing up...
Lily.
552
00:19:49,116 --> 00:19:50,486
And we're your parents,
okay?
553
00:19:50,572 --> 00:19:51,612
We are gonna make mistakes,
554
00:19:51,697 --> 00:19:53,919
and we are not gonna have
all the answers,
555
00:19:54,021 --> 00:19:56,674
but when you do want
to talk about it,
556
00:19:57,298 --> 00:19:59,088
we're... we're here for you.
557
00:19:59,291 --> 00:20:00,490
Yeah.
558
00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:01,917
We love you.
559
00:20:09,784 --> 00:20:12,447
Uh-oh.
Here comes The Great Snoozedini.
560
00:20:12,533 --> 00:20:15,283
You see before you
three ordinary cups.
561
00:20:15,377 --> 00:20:17,533
Cups you'd find
in any kitchen.
562
00:20:17,619 --> 00:20:19,384
Nothing magical
about them.
563
00:20:19,577 --> 00:20:21,752
Here, we have
one new potato.
564
00:20:21,861 --> 00:20:24,783
Keep your eye on the
cup with the potato.
565
00:20:28,075 --> 00:20:30,666
Anybody here
from out of town?
566
00:20:30,752 --> 00:20:32,517
I feel bad.
Should we wake him up?
567
00:20:32,603 --> 00:20:34,796
Not until we find out
where the potato is.
568
00:20:34,882 --> 00:20:36,142
It's under that one,
right?
569
00:20:36,228 --> 00:20:38,134
Is the potato here?
570
00:20:38,828 --> 00:20:40,753
Is the potato here?
571
00:20:41,181 --> 00:20:42,212
Ohh.
572
00:20:42,298 --> 00:20:44,431
This trick's a real...
573
00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:45,980
lemon.
574
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,244
Good night, everyone.
575
00:20:51,889 --> 00:20:53,174
Amazing!